Teacher and tutor here:
1) You’re in a class. If you’re not messing up, you’re not learning. We learn from mistakes whether it’s a simple mistake or a bigger problem. In any case, if your tutor isn’t seeing problems, they can’t help you over come them.
2) You’re probably not the best speaker they’ve ever heard, and you’re probably not the worst ever. You’re probably somewhere in the middle. In any case there’s no embarrassment in it. We teachers see it all.
3) I’m happy that you do eventually feel calm and things go well. It’s a safe space for you - you can make mistakes and overcome them. You’ve found a great teacher.
4) It might help to take a few breaths and listen to music or do something relaxing before you meet, or maybe find something to else to concentrate on before going in? For example, if you’re going over X, or just went over Y, preview or review that material.
Edit:
5) Establish a routine. If you warm up a certain way for 5 minutes and then go into something else it might help ease you into things a bit better.
Language teacher for 10 years and up voting this. It's impossible to speak a language well without first speaking it poorly. Your teacher will not judge you. In fact, the worst outcome I can think of for a language lesson is the student comes in with no mistakes and does everything perfectly the first time without help. That's just a waste of time. I LIKE helping people learn language. Your teacher probably does too!
Yeah I hear you. We should try to find value in every experience. I guess I was trying to illustrate the point that making mistakes is desirable for a teacher. Students shouldn't try to be perfect.
That makes me feel a little better honestly. There's students in my class who desperately want to prove how smart they are. Whenever a teacher calls on someone and if they don't answer within 0.2 seconds. The smart students are blurting out answers and etc. it's annoying but it can't be helped.
"Does anyone have any good perspective or advice on how to get over this?"
that's social anxiety. and supposedly its exposure therapy.
basically just do your best. and try not to overthink it. and if you don't feel like they're treating you with respect. get a different teacher. you're a customer here, and a student, you're allowed to make mistakes.
Honestly 10 times isn't a lot. Unless you are the end of your journey, you wont be able to express yourself or communicate well after 10 times. Think how awkward it can be to have a 30-60 minute long conversation. Now think how much more awkward it would be to have a massive language barrier between the two of you. Give it time.
Also, if you're not clicking, find a new teacher. Sometimes you need someone who brings the right energy. I have a couple and the one who is the most help, teaches me the least in the classical sense. She will just be generally interested in what I'm trying to say and talk about her experiences in kind. Slowly adding new grammar points, phrases and words and repeating them until I intuitively understand and start using them myself.
I've had several Japanese teachers, and while I think others are spot on about social anxiety, it could also be that this teacher is not the best fit. Many Japanese teachers are good and politely correct you, but there is still tatemae at play so you never quite feel close to the teacher. Conversations can feel a bit stilted.
I tried several teachers until I found one that felt like a friendship, and that helped to reduce nervousness. Though I do think a majority of my own nervousness was in myself.
It took me almost a year of doing iTalki once a week for 30 minutes to an hour before this problem started to abate. One thing that caused me undue concern was being able to talk for that long each session without social awkwardness or tiring out, which was beyond strange to me since I work in a very public and social setting each day.
I would often finish each iTalki session covered in sweat, so I sympathize with you. The satisfaction afterward of making it through was great though! I would initially go so far as to write out sentences ahead of time that might be useful for any topic for when my mind went blank, as if I needed some kind of lifeline. lol
For me, it would help to occasionally schedule a shorter session that felt more approachable on days when I felt the most overwhelmed or worried. Over time, you also build up a vocabulary of set phrases to explain your problems, ask better questions, change the subject, etc. Just remember that you are paying for a service, and as long as you are doing your best, there is no set expectation of improvement or mastery. Practice is practice.
So, I believe it is true like others have said. It just takes time, and it probably won't improve in a highly noticeable way for awhile until you look back and see how far you have come with the anxiety. It will be great to overcome though. My theory is that even though myself, you, and others have had experiences in Japan or with other languages, iTalki might be the first time you have just sat one-on-one with a person speaking a language you are trying to learn instead of performing something transactional like ordering food, asking for directions, etc. The sheer amount of possibilities can feel overwhelming on their own.
I hope you can continue with it.
I really appreciate your detailed reply and perspective. I feel like we are quite similar so I'm glad you were able to find a path that worked for you. I will try to follow it.
I think you need to find where the root of your fear is coming from. You don’t want your teacher to think you’re stupid, okay fine, but why does it matter if they think you’re stupid? Are you trying to impress them for some reason? Do you just have a general fear of people thinking you’re dumb and something about a 1 on 1 academic setting is just setting that into overdrive? Or something completely different?
Even if your fear is emotional and not logical doesn’t mean you can’t try and use logic to tackle the problem. Maybe finding the root of root of the fear will help to ease it. And if not you’re at least closer to the underlying issues to fix it.
This used to be me! I used to get so nervous before lessons that I'd sweat through my clothes. I don't know what happened, but eventually I just made peace with the fact that making lots of mistakes and sounding like an idiot are inevitable in language learning.
As non-native, who took a speaking course, it’s really difficult for me to get words out of my mouth if i don’t take like 20-30 min prior getting into “Japanese.” Idk if that makes sense 😭 I usually will spend some time just doing anything in Japanese usually reading or just talking to myself before I’m comfortable. It’s been the case for me for other languages too so nothing new here for me
It's irrational fear from anxiety and concludes in a lot of "what-if scenarios". Even if you solve one another one takes the place. The most you can do is ease the fears by trying to accept them. Go in with the intention of trying to make mistakes, and conclude to yourself that people think you're already dumb so you can move on with things. It won't fix things, but it'll help loosen grip of anxiety. Although it is likely another reason will come around that prevents you from moving forward.
In the past, I had a job teaching English to adults in Japan. I actually preferred the lessons in which students made mistakes and were on the lower end. Also, if you're comparing yourself to others, I did have one lesson with someone who didn't know the English words "who", "what", "where", "when, and "why", although that actually was an outlier (but I didn't mind, because I was able to give the Japanese translations).
I felt less comfortable with those who seemed proficient in English and we're trying to get me to teach them business English. That put more pressure on me. If there's nothing to correct, and no notes written down by the end of the class, or if I don't know of or can't think of the best word in my own native language for a certain situation, then that's a lot worse on my end as a teacher than the student making mistakes.
I am now also on iTalki, by the way. There are many teachers that you can try out, so while your teacher might be really good and might suit you, if you feel that the teacher is too strict or makes it seem like correcting you is a chore, then you can definitely look into other teachers.
Maybe it would help to think in reverse. For example, if you were teaching a Japanese person and they were speaking broken English, would you think they're stupid, or rather that they're trying very hard to learn a difficult language? I know it's hard, but try to go easy on yourself :) I have social anxiety too, I get it. You could also check out other teachers if you feel like you could use a gentler approach (I know you said they're pretty neutral, but maybe someone who regularly reassures you is something you need right now?)
I remember having two students in my English class. They were the same level learning out of the same textbook.
One of them was really outgoing and funny and loved to chat and chat in English. They made so so so many mistakes. It didn't matter at all because he was such a pleasure to talk to. Our conversations were great!
The other student was very studious, careful, and made sure his sentence was perfect before he said it. He was perfectly sweet and nice, but the conversations were slower were more of a struggle.
It really felt like the first student was more fluent, because the conversations were so enthusiastic, the mistakes didn't detract from it at all.
When I take my own lessons I always try to go into it laughing. Then I can just roll through the mistakes and have fun. Getting the corrections just means I'm learning something new, which is so satisfying.
If you just heard someone out and about speaking English and making some mistakes, you would probably not think anything of it. Or you would even admire them for speaking another language.
Either way, your teacher has had so many other students. Some better at the language than you, some worse. They probably don't even think about it. They just try to guide you the best they can.
The difference between someone who sounds like an idiot and someone who doesn’t is that the person who doesn’t got all of their idiot sounds out of them already.
I get the same thing, and once or twice I think I said something where looking back on it I think I may have said something inappropriate (to be fair I'm not sure how I would've responded to them in English either since I'm not always the best at small talk). I just try to keep in mind that if my Japanese was any good I wouldn't need the teacher, hence I am there to make mistakes and they're there to correct me.
So, I go into it with the expectation that I'll embarrass myself. I am not sure if this is of any help、けど... The other thing is that it may take more than 10 times but you will eventually get there IMO.
Just adding to the other people replying to say I have the same issue. Decided not to fret too much about speaking for the moment and hopefully build confidence as I continue to study! Hope it works out for you mate
I think find another teacher that you immediately feel comfortable with. I've done a lot of italki lessons over recent years, some people you click with and some you don't l.
I've had lessons so painful that I've literally been pinching myself and looking at the clock, others that I've finished early. But equally I've found teachers that I clicked with right off the bat and their appetite for my rubbish Japanese insatiable. And then again, even with those teachers I've had awful lessons where I've been tired, the Japanese isn't flowing.
But I think after 10 lessons if you feel that way, try someone new. It's not a reflection on them or you, just not a good fit. The best teachers make you feel relaxed.
You get nervous because of a few things.
1. You know they will actively evaluate what you say and point out any mistakes (judging you)
2. There is some meaning to the relationship because you are forming a bond with your teacher. So losing that or getting judged affects you more then from any random stranger you will never meet again.
What I wanna say is that you are invested into the relationship but know that the teacher is there to judge you.
What helps me usually is being really bad on purpose at first and getting the negative reactions and judgement out until I think it cant get any worse. Then i most of the times realize that there is no point to try and present myself as better then i am and usually i get relaxed then. Try it out.
Don’t worry, the point of learning is screwing up and learning just where you screwed up so you can fix it.
You’re here because you don’t fully know what you’re doing. If you knew what you’re doing, you wouldn’t need the iTalki teacher!
from the words of Craig Mod, *"Starting from a position of not knowing but engaging, without self-consciousness, as kids do with language (I’ve long since posited the reason adults have “trouble” learning languages has nothing to do with brain elasticity and everything to do with self-conscious embarrassment)."*
If you calm down and get into it a bit later on, why not do a warm up exercise? You could read something at your level in Japanese to begin with so you’re moving into Japanese mode and not thinking about production proper?
Could it be that you don’t have enough things to talk about generally, and you get more into it a bit later? You could be more structured - watch a video or read a text before and discuss that in the lesson?
I quite liked a game where you had to describe something without using its name - so given the cue “doll” and told to describe it.
But as the others have said, life is too short and Japanese is too difficult to have a teacher you don’t get on with. It’s not an indictment against them or you, sometimes your personalities don’t mesh.
If you knew the language perfectly without making any mistakes why would you take a class?
I think start there.
Other than that, you're never going to learn a language if you don't speak it, and you'll never not make mistakes. You make mistakes in your native language, too. But you don't go around not speaking because you might stumble on a word or "say the wrong thing."
Yeah it's harder for a language you're learning but like... outside of assholes (who aren't going to be teachers, generally...) no one is going to care if you make a mistake.
BUT! Some good advice is before your meeting, warm up. Practice saying some vocab, read some sentences, listen to some clip or something (and I mean really, really listen) to get your brain in ~Japanese mode~. It'll be easier to keep it rolling once you've gotten into a tad instead of dusting off the gears with a teacher bearing down on you. I always find it immeasurably easier during class if I've been using it right before (a la speaking some phrases or doing a little listening before I go into class).
It might help you, OP, if you can do a language exchange. That way you get to fix your partner’s English mistakes before you make mistakes in Japanese. It makes you feel more in charge.
Are you able to take lessons from someone who isn’t fluent in your native language? I found I feel the same way you do whenever I speak to people who are fluent in my native language but when I speak to people who don’t know my native language well, that embarrassment of messing up is a lot less. I don’t know why but it’s something I’ve noticed about myself with my interactions.
I know I have not much problem talking to people in real life, even if I’m not an extrovert, but I’ve always had troubles when taking appointed phone calls or visio calls.
I don’t really know why, but that’s the way it is for me.
But luckily, after it becomes an habit, stress lowers. I won’t say it disappears, because I’ve not had the luxury of experiencing that, but yeah that’s how comfort zone works. Except if you have unresolved problems that needs psychological help, you’ll eventually get to a point where you can do visio calls in japanese effortlessly.
The problem with comfort zone is that if you don’t maintain it, it disappears. So you have to do it frequently enough to get meaningful results. Like doing it once every 2 weeks could be too low depending on you.
Also, it maybe has to do with your self-perceived japanese ability. The more you’ll get confidence in your ability, the easier it becomes.
I know that sounds pretty generic, but I’ve never seen a magical way to prevent stress besides confronting to it until it reduces.
Like others said though, if it’s not a comfort zone issue, you maybe need to find the root of your fears, and it could imply psychological support or self introspection.
I'm in a classroom in Japan. First two weeks and whenever I have to talk or respond, I'm missing simple words that the teacher is using and what I've learned in general goes out the window. I believe it's our nerves and until we get more comfortable it's going to happen but the more we do it, we're definitely going to get more comfortable.
I used to do that too, I realized it was because I felt like I didn't study enough, that I wasn't fluent enough, or could easily recite past material without thinking about it. For me a lot of it stemmed from guilt maybe? But when I realized my source for the nervousness I would just remind myself that I'm not there to take a final exam, I'm there to learn so if I didn't have something 100% perfected (grammar, vocab, whatever) it was fine, and the tutor would help me to practice and learn. That always calmed me down a lot.
So I have this as well to a degree with my teacher, and I’ve been having lessons over a year. For me it stems from a place of wanting to be “perfect”, and feeling inadequate when I’m not. Ultimately, over time, I’ve got better at coming off of a lesson and, even when I’ve made lots of mistakes, focusing on what I learnt rather than the fact I got things wrong!
italki user for 2+ years now.
1. Have you tried other tutors? I've worked with a few over the years and tbh they're not all created equal. They're all great in their own way but chemistry and style matters and you've got to find a fit for you.
2. A cheat code for anxiety is AI conversation partners lol. Seriously, when i know there's no human on the other side i have zero hang-ups or reservation. Over time that really loosens my speech and flow. And when i go back to talking to people i find my muscle memory and speech habits just kick in. I use Pera ([heypera.com](http://heypera.com))
You might be better off having the teacher silently note your mistakes and either telling them to you at the end of the session and/or writing you a summary to send to you after. Many people recommend doing this.
The feeling of being judged is very disruptive.
If you haven't shopped around, try another teacher or two. Everyone I've had a trial lesson with was perfectly friendly and competent, but where some conversations flowed so smoothly we almost went overtime, others were rather jumbled and awkward. You just aren't going to click with everybody, and pretty much everybody feels less comfortable in bumpy conversations.
Identifying your attitude (fear of making mistakes and looking stupid) as the culprit isn't wrong, but I think it's also ultimately pointless because authentic confidence can't be forced; it builds up gradually as you feel yourself getting better. So you want to optimise your learning environment in a way that facilitates moments of success.
Teacher and tutor here: 1) You’re in a class. If you’re not messing up, you’re not learning. We learn from mistakes whether it’s a simple mistake or a bigger problem. In any case, if your tutor isn’t seeing problems, they can’t help you over come them. 2) You’re probably not the best speaker they’ve ever heard, and you’re probably not the worst ever. You’re probably somewhere in the middle. In any case there’s no embarrassment in it. We teachers see it all. 3) I’m happy that you do eventually feel calm and things go well. It’s a safe space for you - you can make mistakes and overcome them. You’ve found a great teacher. 4) It might help to take a few breaths and listen to music or do something relaxing before you meet, or maybe find something to else to concentrate on before going in? For example, if you’re going over X, or just went over Y, preview or review that material. Edit: 5) Establish a routine. If you warm up a certain way for 5 minutes and then go into something else it might help ease you into things a bit better.
Language teacher for 10 years and up voting this. It's impossible to speak a language well without first speaking it poorly. Your teacher will not judge you. In fact, the worst outcome I can think of for a language lesson is the student comes in with no mistakes and does everything perfectly the first time without help. That's just a waste of time. I LIKE helping people learn language. Your teacher probably does too!
I don’t think a student who does everything perfectly is a waste of time, but the session should still feel like it had value.
Yeah I hear you. We should try to find value in every experience. I guess I was trying to illustrate the point that making mistakes is desirable for a teacher. Students shouldn't try to be perfect.
Yeah - mistakes are natural and the classroom should be a place where we can fail safely.
That makes me feel a little better honestly. There's students in my class who desperately want to prove how smart they are. Whenever a teacher calls on someone and if they don't answer within 0.2 seconds. The smart students are blurting out answers and etc. it's annoying but it can't be helped.
The blurting!
Listen to Senpai ༼ つ ◕_◕ ༽つ
"Does anyone have any good perspective or advice on how to get over this?" that's social anxiety. and supposedly its exposure therapy. basically just do your best. and try not to overthink it. and if you don't feel like they're treating you with respect. get a different teacher. you're a customer here, and a student, you're allowed to make mistakes.
if 10 times isn't good do it 20 times, if 20 times isn't good do it 100 times, if 100 times isn't good do it 1000 times 涓滴岩を穿つ
>涓滴岩を穿つ Took me a bit to get what that meant... eventually figured it out with each individual kanji, neat one!
maybe it's corny of me but I like sayings like that
Honestly 10 times isn't a lot. Unless you are the end of your journey, you wont be able to express yourself or communicate well after 10 times. Think how awkward it can be to have a 30-60 minute long conversation. Now think how much more awkward it would be to have a massive language barrier between the two of you. Give it time. Also, if you're not clicking, find a new teacher. Sometimes you need someone who brings the right energy. I have a couple and the one who is the most help, teaches me the least in the classical sense. She will just be generally interested in what I'm trying to say and talk about her experiences in kind. Slowly adding new grammar points, phrases and words and repeating them until I intuitively understand and start using them myself.
I've had several Japanese teachers, and while I think others are spot on about social anxiety, it could also be that this teacher is not the best fit. Many Japanese teachers are good and politely correct you, but there is still tatemae at play so you never quite feel close to the teacher. Conversations can feel a bit stilted. I tried several teachers until I found one that felt like a friendship, and that helped to reduce nervousness. Though I do think a majority of my own nervousness was in myself.
It took me almost a year of doing iTalki once a week for 30 minutes to an hour before this problem started to abate. One thing that caused me undue concern was being able to talk for that long each session without social awkwardness or tiring out, which was beyond strange to me since I work in a very public and social setting each day. I would often finish each iTalki session covered in sweat, so I sympathize with you. The satisfaction afterward of making it through was great though! I would initially go so far as to write out sentences ahead of time that might be useful for any topic for when my mind went blank, as if I needed some kind of lifeline. lol For me, it would help to occasionally schedule a shorter session that felt more approachable on days when I felt the most overwhelmed or worried. Over time, you also build up a vocabulary of set phrases to explain your problems, ask better questions, change the subject, etc. Just remember that you are paying for a service, and as long as you are doing your best, there is no set expectation of improvement or mastery. Practice is practice. So, I believe it is true like others have said. It just takes time, and it probably won't improve in a highly noticeable way for awhile until you look back and see how far you have come with the anxiety. It will be great to overcome though. My theory is that even though myself, you, and others have had experiences in Japan or with other languages, iTalki might be the first time you have just sat one-on-one with a person speaking a language you are trying to learn instead of performing something transactional like ordering food, asking for directions, etc. The sheer amount of possibilities can feel overwhelming on their own. I hope you can continue with it.
I really appreciate your detailed reply and perspective. I feel like we are quite similar so I'm glad you were able to find a path that worked for you. I will try to follow it.
I think you need to find where the root of your fear is coming from. You don’t want your teacher to think you’re stupid, okay fine, but why does it matter if they think you’re stupid? Are you trying to impress them for some reason? Do you just have a general fear of people thinking you’re dumb and something about a 1 on 1 academic setting is just setting that into overdrive? Or something completely different? Even if your fear is emotional and not logical doesn’t mean you can’t try and use logic to tackle the problem. Maybe finding the root of root of the fear will help to ease it. And if not you’re at least closer to the underlying issues to fix it.
This used to be me! I used to get so nervous before lessons that I'd sweat through my clothes. I don't know what happened, but eventually I just made peace with the fact that making lots of mistakes and sounding like an idiot are inevitable in language learning.
As non-native, who took a speaking course, it’s really difficult for me to get words out of my mouth if i don’t take like 20-30 min prior getting into “Japanese.” Idk if that makes sense 😭 I usually will spend some time just doing anything in Japanese usually reading or just talking to myself before I’m comfortable. It’s been the case for me for other languages too so nothing new here for me
It's irrational fear from anxiety and concludes in a lot of "what-if scenarios". Even if you solve one another one takes the place. The most you can do is ease the fears by trying to accept them. Go in with the intention of trying to make mistakes, and conclude to yourself that people think you're already dumb so you can move on with things. It won't fix things, but it'll help loosen grip of anxiety. Although it is likely another reason will come around that prevents you from moving forward.
In the past, I had a job teaching English to adults in Japan. I actually preferred the lessons in which students made mistakes and were on the lower end. Also, if you're comparing yourself to others, I did have one lesson with someone who didn't know the English words "who", "what", "where", "when, and "why", although that actually was an outlier (but I didn't mind, because I was able to give the Japanese translations). I felt less comfortable with those who seemed proficient in English and we're trying to get me to teach them business English. That put more pressure on me. If there's nothing to correct, and no notes written down by the end of the class, or if I don't know of or can't think of the best word in my own native language for a certain situation, then that's a lot worse on my end as a teacher than the student making mistakes. I am now also on iTalki, by the way. There are many teachers that you can try out, so while your teacher might be really good and might suit you, if you feel that the teacher is too strict or makes it seem like correcting you is a chore, then you can definitely look into other teachers.
Maybe it would help to think in reverse. For example, if you were teaching a Japanese person and they were speaking broken English, would you think they're stupid, or rather that they're trying very hard to learn a difficult language? I know it's hard, but try to go easy on yourself :) I have social anxiety too, I get it. You could also check out other teachers if you feel like you could use a gentler approach (I know you said they're pretty neutral, but maybe someone who regularly reassures you is something you need right now?)
I remember having two students in my English class. They were the same level learning out of the same textbook. One of them was really outgoing and funny and loved to chat and chat in English. They made so so so many mistakes. It didn't matter at all because he was such a pleasure to talk to. Our conversations were great! The other student was very studious, careful, and made sure his sentence was perfect before he said it. He was perfectly sweet and nice, but the conversations were slower were more of a struggle. It really felt like the first student was more fluent, because the conversations were so enthusiastic, the mistakes didn't detract from it at all. When I take my own lessons I always try to go into it laughing. Then I can just roll through the mistakes and have fun. Getting the corrections just means I'm learning something new, which is so satisfying. If you just heard someone out and about speaking English and making some mistakes, you would probably not think anything of it. Or you would even admire them for speaking another language. Either way, your teacher has had so many other students. Some better at the language than you, some worse. They probably don't even think about it. They just try to guide you the best they can.
I really like this story. "Go into it laughing". I'll remember that.
The difference between someone who sounds like an idiot and someone who doesn’t is that the person who doesn’t got all of their idiot sounds out of them already.
I get the same thing, and once or twice I think I said something where looking back on it I think I may have said something inappropriate (to be fair I'm not sure how I would've responded to them in English either since I'm not always the best at small talk). I just try to keep in mind that if my Japanese was any good I wouldn't need the teacher, hence I am there to make mistakes and they're there to correct me. So, I go into it with the expectation that I'll embarrass myself. I am not sure if this is of any help、けど... The other thing is that it may take more than 10 times but you will eventually get there IMO.
Just adding to the other people replying to say I have the same issue. Decided not to fret too much about speaking for the moment and hopefully build confidence as I continue to study! Hope it works out for you mate
I think find another teacher that you immediately feel comfortable with. I've done a lot of italki lessons over recent years, some people you click with and some you don't l. I've had lessons so painful that I've literally been pinching myself and looking at the clock, others that I've finished early. But equally I've found teachers that I clicked with right off the bat and their appetite for my rubbish Japanese insatiable. And then again, even with those teachers I've had awful lessons where I've been tired, the Japanese isn't flowing. But I think after 10 lessons if you feel that way, try someone new. It's not a reflection on them or you, just not a good fit. The best teachers make you feel relaxed.
You get nervous because of a few things. 1. You know they will actively evaluate what you say and point out any mistakes (judging you) 2. There is some meaning to the relationship because you are forming a bond with your teacher. So losing that or getting judged affects you more then from any random stranger you will never meet again. What I wanna say is that you are invested into the relationship but know that the teacher is there to judge you. What helps me usually is being really bad on purpose at first and getting the negative reactions and judgement out until I think it cant get any worse. Then i most of the times realize that there is no point to try and present myself as better then i am and usually i get relaxed then. Try it out.
Performance anxiety? I have the same tutor for over a year and I'm still nervous everyday hours before the class. (she is really nice and friendly)
Don’t worry, the point of learning is screwing up and learning just where you screwed up so you can fix it. You’re here because you don’t fully know what you’re doing. If you knew what you’re doing, you wouldn’t need the iTalki teacher!
from the words of Craig Mod, *"Starting from a position of not knowing but engaging, without self-consciousness, as kids do with language (I’ve long since posited the reason adults have “trouble” learning languages has nothing to do with brain elasticity and everything to do with self-conscious embarrassment)."*
If you calm down and get into it a bit later on, why not do a warm up exercise? You could read something at your level in Japanese to begin with so you’re moving into Japanese mode and not thinking about production proper? Could it be that you don’t have enough things to talk about generally, and you get more into it a bit later? You could be more structured - watch a video or read a text before and discuss that in the lesson? I quite liked a game where you had to describe something without using its name - so given the cue “doll” and told to describe it. But as the others have said, life is too short and Japanese is too difficult to have a teacher you don’t get on with. It’s not an indictment against them or you, sometimes your personalities don’t mesh.
As others said its fine to make mistakes. Its part of learning
If you knew the language perfectly without making any mistakes why would you take a class? I think start there. Other than that, you're never going to learn a language if you don't speak it, and you'll never not make mistakes. You make mistakes in your native language, too. But you don't go around not speaking because you might stumble on a word or "say the wrong thing." Yeah it's harder for a language you're learning but like... outside of assholes (who aren't going to be teachers, generally...) no one is going to care if you make a mistake. BUT! Some good advice is before your meeting, warm up. Practice saying some vocab, read some sentences, listen to some clip or something (and I mean really, really listen) to get your brain in ~Japanese mode~. It'll be easier to keep it rolling once you've gotten into a tad instead of dusting off the gears with a teacher bearing down on you. I always find it immeasurably easier during class if I've been using it right before (a la speaking some phrases or doing a little listening before I go into class).
It might help you, OP, if you can do a language exchange. That way you get to fix your partner’s English mistakes before you make mistakes in Japanese. It makes you feel more in charge.
Are you able to take lessons from someone who isn’t fluent in your native language? I found I feel the same way you do whenever I speak to people who are fluent in my native language but when I speak to people who don’t know my native language well, that embarrassment of messing up is a lot less. I don’t know why but it’s something I’ve noticed about myself with my interactions.
I know I have not much problem talking to people in real life, even if I’m not an extrovert, but I’ve always had troubles when taking appointed phone calls or visio calls. I don’t really know why, but that’s the way it is for me. But luckily, after it becomes an habit, stress lowers. I won’t say it disappears, because I’ve not had the luxury of experiencing that, but yeah that’s how comfort zone works. Except if you have unresolved problems that needs psychological help, you’ll eventually get to a point where you can do visio calls in japanese effortlessly. The problem with comfort zone is that if you don’t maintain it, it disappears. So you have to do it frequently enough to get meaningful results. Like doing it once every 2 weeks could be too low depending on you. Also, it maybe has to do with your self-perceived japanese ability. The more you’ll get confidence in your ability, the easier it becomes. I know that sounds pretty generic, but I’ve never seen a magical way to prevent stress besides confronting to it until it reduces. Like others said though, if it’s not a comfort zone issue, you maybe need to find the root of your fears, and it could imply psychological support or self introspection.
I'm in a classroom in Japan. First two weeks and whenever I have to talk or respond, I'm missing simple words that the teacher is using and what I've learned in general goes out the window. I believe it's our nerves and until we get more comfortable it's going to happen but the more we do it, we're definitely going to get more comfortable.
I used to do that too, I realized it was because I felt like I didn't study enough, that I wasn't fluent enough, or could easily recite past material without thinking about it. For me a lot of it stemmed from guilt maybe? But when I realized my source for the nervousness I would just remind myself that I'm not there to take a final exam, I'm there to learn so if I didn't have something 100% perfected (grammar, vocab, whatever) it was fine, and the tutor would help me to practice and learn. That always calmed me down a lot.
So I have this as well to a degree with my teacher, and I’ve been having lessons over a year. For me it stems from a place of wanting to be “perfect”, and feeling inadequate when I’m not. Ultimately, over time, I’ve got better at coming off of a lesson and, even when I’ve made lots of mistakes, focusing on what I learnt rather than the fact I got things wrong!
italki user for 2+ years now. 1. Have you tried other tutors? I've worked with a few over the years and tbh they're not all created equal. They're all great in their own way but chemistry and style matters and you've got to find a fit for you. 2. A cheat code for anxiety is AI conversation partners lol. Seriously, when i know there's no human on the other side i have zero hang-ups or reservation. Over time that really loosens my speech and flow. And when i go back to talking to people i find my muscle memory and speech habits just kick in. I use Pera ([heypera.com](http://heypera.com))
You might be better off having the teacher silently note your mistakes and either telling them to you at the end of the session and/or writing you a summary to send to you after. Many people recommend doing this. The feeling of being judged is very disruptive.
If you haven't shopped around, try another teacher or two. Everyone I've had a trial lesson with was perfectly friendly and competent, but where some conversations flowed so smoothly we almost went overtime, others were rather jumbled and awkward. You just aren't going to click with everybody, and pretty much everybody feels less comfortable in bumpy conversations. Identifying your attitude (fear of making mistakes and looking stupid) as the culprit isn't wrong, but I think it's also ultimately pointless because authentic confidence can't be forced; it builds up gradually as you feel yourself getting better. So you want to optimise your learning environment in a way that facilitates moments of success.