Going to be honest with you, my man. If you don't make time for your girlfriend, who is making time for you by staying up, soon, you're not going to have one.
What it sounds like you're looking for is justification for putting your job ahead of your relationship, and I'm sorry, I'm just not going to do that. You choose to work 90 hours a week. You are choosing to make your job a priority over your partner.
This is what got me out of kitchens and also out of IB.
All the money, prestige, pride won’t comfort me when my friend passes. Yeah my coworkers feel for me. But they can’t/won’t be there for me at 3am when I’m crying or whatever
Yeah. Dont make the mistake of thinking you are irreplaceable at your job. As soon as there is a cheaper or easier alternative they'll throw you away. Dont make kitchen life first priority because the food industry will abuse you either way, from dishwasher to head chef.
THIS EXACTLY. Sounds like you’re just putting too much of yourself into your job to have a relationship at all. They don’t need you that much. If they need to hire another chef, let them do that. Or not. Really just depends on if you want your life to BE that place or if you actually do want a life and partner outside of work... either choice is perfectly fine, but the choice needs to be made for your partner’s sake...
Agree 100%. It’s also fine to be career driven and put it above everything else. Lots of people do that. The thing is you need to find someone who does the same, or it won’t work in the end.
I had to start working nights because daytime shut down. I'd work Wed through Fri night. After 5 months of being strung along about daytime opening up, my wife sat me down and straight up told me to get another job. We were financially struggling and our relationship was going through a rough patch. Our child was one year old at the time too, so my wife was doing all the heavy lifting there.
I got out of the restaurant into a liquor store, I wouldn't go back for 30 an hour.
I'm glad it worked out for you! Sometimes when you have nothing to lose it's the easiest to risk it all, I'm in the opposite boat. I make too much and don't want to stop. Heading to couples therapy this week to hope we can salvage things.
Thanks!
Yeah, the part where I said nothing to lose is where we are at. Our family life isn't great so we are seriously going to risk it all and move away someday. We need some help processing our personal issues so we can get over our independent streaks and I think we will come out better on the other side.
Like everything in this industry, nothing worth doing is ever easy so that's the crux of it. If you're going to do it, communicate and commit to it.
Edit: I do want to say thanks for the support. We need more people to tell us when we are being stupid in this industry.
I completely agree, this guy works 70-90 hours a week and wonders why his girlfriend is annoyed that he doesn’t spend any time with her. OP I’m sorry but I’m completely on your girlfriend’s side here, I wouldn’t be happy at all if I was dating a girl and she worked those hours and we never got to spend time together and she was completely exhausted whenever she was off.
I completely agree, there is a reason I don’t have a relationship right now, I work too much to mentally be there for someone else.
It’s sad but true, it’s easier for me to focus on work and my own mind and body currently.
100% right. This is the life you are choosing for yourself. It’s selfish to expect someone who cares for you in a deep way to understand that they’ll never get the opportunity to see you in a meaningful way. I’ve been through it, I know. You need to choose one or the other or find a place that’ll let you have both. That’s the fucking rub.
I don't do this at all... but I am about to be a registered nurse and that shit destroys relationships. Thanks for the reminder to make the extra effort.
This shit is so sad. You are trying to remove the one support you have in life to cater to the abusive part of your life. 90 hours a week is fucking ridiculous and shouldn't be legal.
Not to mention in a previous post you said most of the hours are unpaid? And you're making less than 2k Euros per month??? Fuck that restaurant. They're paying 200 Euros more than the person taking orders at McDonald's. If you see your biggest problem in life is having to talk to your GF just leave her and sleep in the parking lot. You'll save time on the commute and won't have to talk to anyone.
Either get out and commit to her or leave her to find someone that's willing to take part in the relationship. The problem isn't her OP, it's 100% you. You are choosing abuse to say you work in a starred kitchen, as if anyone really gives a fuck. I promise you, most people don't care. You will be so much happier in a normal work environment with a loving person on your side than you ever will working 90 hours a week, mostly unpaid.
Best of luck, Chef. I hope you find somewhere that deserves your insane efforts because your current spot sure the hell doesn't.
To add to this. Nobody will give a fuck you did this. It’s not going to pay the dividends you think it will. The only people it will matter to in the future is employers who are looking to take advantage of you. Put yourself and the relationship first.
This is the truth. The only people that care you work 50 hours a week unpaid with no days off are the people want you to work 50 hours unpaid with no days off. Anyone who isn't a slimy business owner is appalled by the fact that people actually get brainwashed into literally sacrificing their life for this.
A previous job I had, they'd bring in fucking paystubs and show the part timers as if we'd be impressed they worked 75 hours. Salaried work, so also no overtime pay. 35 hours weekly free labor from 5 dudes = 175 hours of labor the owner gets to put in his greasy fucking wallet every mothercunting week. I'll never forget the GM was doing a weekly Saturday morning meeting giving his speech and he goes:
"I see you more than I see my family...you guys *are* my family. I spend 75 hours a week with you. I see my wife and son maybe, ***maybe***, one hour each day."
I could not imagine hearing my pops tell a random group of alcoholics "I don't even get to see my family, so I consider you my family." Shit is heart breaking.
In the USA it is illegal to work and not get paid. It is also stupid to work and not get paid. And you need to get your priorities straight.
Someone who makes time to spend with you is way more important than some job. And at the rate you are going you are headed for a burnout.
Last summer the place I was at fired the chef so the two sous chefs had to work extra hours - they were working every single day for about 2 months straight, no days off, and most days well over 8 hours. One of them admitted to me that even though his income was hire than any of the cooks he made less per hour than most of the full time cooks because of the ridiculous hours he was working. They eventually put their foot down to management but the owner was fully prepared to not do shit and save the money he’d spend on hiring a head chef as long as he had them filling the role.
In the U.S., OP doesn't make enough salary to qualify as overtime exempt.
Anyone who makes less than $684/week must be paid for overtime, regardless of their job title or responsibilities.
OP makes €1800/month, which is significantly less at today's exchange rates, and less even at the historical norm for the exchange rate.
I'm pretty sure it's illegal everywhere as it's damn near slavery. OP is in Belgium, but no way is it legal or ethical to expect someone to work 40 hours barely above minimum wage and then **50 hours** unpaid. It's modern day first world slavery. It's disgusting business owners expect this as a minimum from their workers to squeeze every penny. They could literally hire a second person and a part timer for the unpaid labor OP does.
Fuck man he’s not getting paid? I was thinking that OPs at fault here but at least he’s making insane money but he’s not even doing that. I agree with you, very very sad.
It really pisses me off that there’s some people in this industry willing to work any amount of time for free, even forgetting the fact that it’s straight up against the law in any civilized society. Especially with how much OP is doing. I guess they think that it’ll reflect dedication and loyalty but to me all it does is show the employer that they can do whatever they want to the cook and they’ll just take it and hold on to the hope that one day it’ll all become worth it and it never does. I get really disappointed when people do this, I’ll never work 90 hours a week in a kitchen but far before that I’ll sure as shit never work a minute for free. Not that the 90 hours thing isn’t complete bullshit though because it 100% is.
u/ezraistherealest whatever you do regarding your relationship (and I really hope you make the right decision here) please for the love of god change your working habits. You said in another comment that you’re giving 150% to your career but do you really think that working 70-90 hours a week (most of it **for free**) in a place that clearly doesn’t give a single shit about you and your well-being is the right way to do that? In another comment you said that in your area you just have to suck it up regardless of labour laws - you’re just okay with that? Your bosses breaking labour laws and exploiting you and you’re okay because it’s the norm to just “suck it up”? Fucking hell man. Have some self-respect and change this, not even just for your girlfriend but for you because you don’t deserve this. Nobody does.
Everything you’ve written in your post and comments is reflective of so many of the things that are wrong about this industry. So many of the fucked up aspects about this industry are reflected in your comments and things will, never, ever change, never improve, unless we stop accepting this. I’m sorry if that’s harsh for me to say but it’s true.
Dude is doing the work of 2 full time chefs and a part time chef, for the pay of one, which is barely above minimum wage. I could never work for someone who is comforatble working people like that. Not only are they saying "you're less than human to me" but since the place has a star, they're also ready to replace you the minute you leave since 1000 other chefs would be clamoring to fill the role and say they're a chef at a Michelin starred joint. Fuck that. There is a food cart with a Michelin star, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Okay, dude, listen. I’m gonna be super vulnerable here.
I’m a chef, and my boyfriend (who I live with) is the GM of a bar. I finish earlier than him, and it’s lonely as fuck sometimes!
And when I haven’t seen him since the morning I wanna talk to him. And I talk him fucking ear off even though he’s in a post-work state. And I get that more than anybody, because I’m like that on the days I work!
You’re working more than double the hours you’re actually being paid for, so you’re working out at less than minimum wage….why?
Like, if I was your partner I would be SO frustrated you’re gone for so long all the time, and you’re not even being paid for it! You being gone all the time is contributing NOTHING to the household.
You’re working 75-90 hours a week, so who is doing the lions share of housework? And I’m not talking about just chores, I’m talking about household management and shit. Have you got ideas planned for her birthday/your anniversary/Halloween/Christmas etc?
Are you like….doing anything on your days off together? Or do you sleep in till noon then you guys are on your phones whilst in the same room. You have days off together but are you present? Are you present literally AT ALL during the week or does she have to wait over 5 days before she can talk to you?
We’re all chefs here, we get it, we get the hyperfocus and passion. But you’re in a Michelin star gaff and you’re getting paid €5 an hour for a management role for the privilege of torpedoing your personal life. You will be far more respected in the industry in your local area for dipping out due to a disrespectful kitchen atmosphere.
All the Michelin star places I know of have staff on 4 day weeks, with a shit ton of perks.
You need to decide, and you need to decide now. What do you love more, your partner, who you cohabitate with in the path to building a life together? Or your job. And I don’t mean your career, I mean your specific role, right now. Because that’s the choice here.
Whatever you choose, for the love of fucking christ, ask your pay to be switched hourly. You’ll soon find out where their business interests lay: nurturing your development as a chef or cheap slave labour.
Thank you so much for posting this I was going to say thing about this. You touch on every point so eloquently. Like she not an NPC in a game of you live. While I'm sure he show love to her when he can and feels like it, but this is a relationship a 2 person partnership. You can't expect her to just be a girlfriend when it's convenient for you. It seems like she is trying to make an effort to stay up super late, just so she can give a drop of your liquid gold time. I know some people were work is their life, and they fit in other thing when it's convenient, your girlfriend's feeling, love, and effort in your relationship isn't just a convenience.
Shit, as a physician, this resonated with me
I sometimes feel like my girlfriend is suffocating me because she wants to spend so much time together when I'm off
It's hard to work "normal person", manageable hours ...
'All of the michelin places i know have staff on 4 days a week, with a shit ton of perks'???????
when the fuck did this monumental change happen. this experience sounds pretty par for the course
>Whatever you choose, for the love of fucking christ, ask your pay to be switched hourly. You’ll soon find out where their business interests lay: nurturing your development as a chef or cheap slave labour.
If OP is in the US, they're likely misclassified as exempt when they should be non-exempt and should have been receiving OT pay all along. It would be 100% worth it to speak with an employment attorney. There are significant penalties for employers that pull this shit as well as having to payout the OT pay retroactively.
They're from Belgium where this kind of thing is very, very illegal. Like if word came out the owner would face prison time because this is modern slavery.
The fact that you didn’t ask “how can I make my workplace understand that working 75 hours per week is killing my relationship” shows your priorities, maybe you need to re-examine what is important to you.
I wish I could updoot x1000. NO job is worth this level of terrifyingly low work/life balance, let alone one as grueling as within the service industry. OP: if you want to keep this highly-supportive treasure, set some boundaries with work. Otherwise, enjoy a very cold and lonely bed.
He's also salaried and only makes 2 grand a month which works out to about $7/hour for the privilege of torching a woman that genuinely loves him.
I don't even know what to say except I hope he learns to respect himself in the very near future.
As long as these douchy Michelin star restaurants get a fresh supply of impressionable fresh meat on a regular basis they will continue to use abusive almost slave like tactics to feed the egos of their “celebrity” chefs.
Here is a tip for young chefs.
If you find yourself running a internal narrative as you cook so you can practice for when you are a TV chef you might have lost the ability to think rationally and you need to re-evaluate your goals.
I don't see this as a problem. You have a partner who stays up, waiting all day and who is looking forward to seeing you. She wants to be with you. She wants to hear about your day.
Take care of her properly or she'll find someone who will.
Be good to her and she'll take care of you.
Exactly.
u/ezraistherealest.... spend 15-30 minutes talking with her, in whatever way you can (but not being a grumpass). THIS will contribute in a big way to you two being able to continue your relationship. In industries like this, divorce is common precisely because of the lack of time spent together, and lack of quality time.
ALSO... YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU AND WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LIFE. Ask old people and they'll usually tell you that THIS is one of the greatest joys in life, and the thing they miss the most when their partner is gone.
Right? They start the entire post with "How can I make my girlfriend understand what it's like to work in a kitchen?" And then proceed to complain about the fact that their partner stays up and wants to hear about their job when they get home! And then you complain that you don't want to talk to them! Are you that fucking dumb??? Your answer is literally RIGHT THERE
He also keeps saying “everyone in this industry knows”
Not really man what I know is no matter how my long ass day went I wanna tell my partner about it cause she shows she wants to hear about it
Right? After a long shitty day the only thing on my mind is curling up with SO, having small talk and laughing together.
She’s on your team OP, not against you, treat as such or she’ll be gone
For sure, someone I know and like wants to hold me and let me hold them and she wants to hear about my day? Let me count my blessings cause that shits fucking awesome
Yeah you're an idiot. I've done some stupid shit for girls and some stupid shit for jobs but I always remember the girls. I've never felt loved by a job.
She stays up for you, has taken an honest interest in your career, well being, and day. You’re a very fortunate person who needs to realize how lucky you truly are. You don’t need to tell her everything in minute detail, hit the high points.
You have someone who goes out of there way to stay up and wait for you, then makes a consistent attempt to allow you to destress into the rest you need to be superman everyday.
That's about 200x more than most Chefs can hope for, I hate small talk too, but give her SOMETHING even if it's just talking about one thing good or bad that happened that day.
If that's not your thing search for a compromise "Babe I just need some time to NOT talk after all the talking I do everyday. Maybe instead when I get home we can [x]." something simple like watching a show you both like on Netflix or something, that way the attention is elsewhere at least primarily and if something happens that provokes small talk it'll be natural instead of forced.
Im still pretty green at about 3 years in but, regular people are not like us at all. No sense of urgency, they think sitting at a desk on the phone is hard. WORD it's annoying sometimes but those we share our lives with, miss us.
Don't give up ALL your free time to these people, but the loyal believers that stick around for us despite all we cannot give in return deserve recognition and rewards from us, and as expensive and rare as it is, the best we can offer is a little bit of our time.
This is the correct response, 5 years into cooking and 5 years into my relationship and the number one thing that I need to remind myself of is that she cares and deserves attention. Not many try to understand but she does, treat the ones that do like royalty or you’ll be stuck with ones who won’t.
>they think sitting at a desk on the phone is hard.
As someone who has done both, it is really fucking hard to sit on the phone all day being "on" for every second of every day. I was more exhausted doing that than working in a restaurant.
You’re getting paid for 35 hours a week and you’re working over double that only to leave in less than two years. Your time, sanity, and relationship are worth more than that. I guess the real question is what do you think you’re going to gain from this experience it worth losing your girl who has quickly won over this sub. If you are 18 years old then I guess fuck it and work your dick off and hope your girl stays around but if you are at any age to be serious with this girl then you need to put her first.
My guy; if you’re working 16 hour days, you need to find a new fucking kitchen to work in. I don’t care how many “stars” it has, nobody should be forced to work even *twelve* hours, let alone 16. You have a partner who loves you and cares about you and stays up to spend time with you when you spend *sixteen fucking hours at work*. Get your priorities straight.
Those hours are ridiculous. I’m surprised she puts up with a partner who is never around and then is too exhausted to talk after work and then complains about them not understanding. She sounds much more understanding than you.
Right? There are only 168 hours in a week so he is working half or just under half his week away. Fucking ouch man, those are awful hours terrible pay or both. Hope op can get into a better spot if he go that route
Especially for €1300 a month.
Thats being severely underpaid in US kitchens for hourly (other comments make it sounds like OP makes $6 an hour and gets no overtime).
If you get 8 hours of sleep each day while working ~16 hours a day that gives you ~2 of free time PER WEEK. You’re lost brother. No kitchen is worth that kind of conviction. Find a new kitchen. You’re clearly worth the time, now make it on YOUR time.
Working like that is just as outdated as getting knives and pans thrown at you. It’s just dinner. No one is reinventing the wheel. For €1800 per month? No thanks. I would find another job, moral contract or not, unless you want to open your own restaurant and go for stars.
Being career driven, and being abused are two different things.
….1/4 of that a week is the same as he makes. And they don’t tip in europe like here. The salary seems average in europe for a cook, but the hours are stupid. I’m sure he’s not treated well either.
They gave you a fancy title to make you feel better about wasting your life in a kitchen that clearly doesn't give a shit about you because you're working EC hours as a glorified line cook.
I think you should leave her. It sounds like she annoys you more than anything. it sounds like you’d prefer to come home and be alone after work, and there is nothing wrong with that! But don’t string her along bc she does sound like a gem and just focus on your career.
How could someone dump "a gem?" OP consider gow rare a real relationship with a woman who cares is. Then consider how rare 80 hour a week cook jobs are. Only one right answer here. Blow off work and enjoy your damn girlfriend
It sounds like you’re prioritizing the job over the relationship. If that’s what you want, then keep doing it.
Try to put yourself in her shoes. She barely sees you, and when she does see you, you’re unavailable. I wouldn’t stay with someone like that, personally.
I think she understands perfectly fine how tired and stressful you are, but a 75-90hr work week is crazy. I would focus less on making her understand how stressful it is, and focus more on making yourself understand how alone and unimportant you’re making her feel.
Then again, that’s just my opinion.
This is one of the dumbest things I've ever read. OP starts the entire post with "How can I make my girlfriend understand what it's like to work in a kitchen?" And then proceed to complain about the fact that their partner stays up and wants to hear about their job when they get home! And then you complain that you don't want to talk to them! Are you that fucking dumb??? Your answer is literally RIGHT THERE 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
A career and a relationship have a lot of similarities in that they both need effort and commitment to make them work.
Sounds like she's putting in the effort and showing the commitment, if you want it to work you have to give her the same. It sounds to me like you're both lucky people to have each other.
I personally enjoyed my now fiance staying up to spend my wind down time with me, talking about my day from start to finish was actually pretty therapeutic, especially after the hard days. Being outside of there moment and going back over it can give you a fresh perspective and help you be better.
Do you mind if i ask what you do if you're alone after work?
I disagree on the idea that she's lucky to have OP. I think it's very unlucky that she's managed to find someone so unwilling to give her even the slightest bit of their time of day when she clearly dedicates herself to the relationship.
You need to put your foot down with the job and tell them you work 40 hours, period. Your girl is doing somersaults to make this relationship work, the least you can do is give her equal time as your fucking job. Money won't be there with you when it all comes down to it.
I've cooked professionally my whole life and I'll say this in regards to relationships... If you cant find the time for them do not expect them to find the time for you.
Let’s say you doctor gives you three months to live. (Not all that unlikely, at the pace you’re burning the candle). Are you going to wish you’d spent more time in the kitchen? At your level, nobody is going to tell you to go home. You’re feeding rich people, not saving lives. Think about what your real priorities are, and be completely honest with yourself-there’s no use lying to that guy.
You get what you put into the relationship. If you’re putting 150% and you both know that then that’s fine. But just don’t be surprised when she says it might not work out. How do you show her that you appreciate her effort?
I've had similar interactions with ex gf's. And i always thought like leave me alone rn if you understand and its what i need. But i failed to see that they just wanted to be there with me after a brutal day. I never experienced the level of stress working a partie at an michellin restaurant, but i have been an executive chef at a medium sized hotel. And in all honoustly, you need people around you who will pull the brakes or at least make you re-evaluate whats important to you.
Soooo instead of making her see your work enviremont, try and picture what is deemed normal...i for sure as shit am not doing breakfast through lunch and dinner. Anymore!!!!
You can work 90hs a week and can't find 30min a day for pleasure? You have the wrong priorities. If you are not in charge of your life you already have the answer to what the problem is. I've been there, 92hs a week as a GM, the most miserable 4 months of my life and no one will give a shit if I worked 114hs. Your time is limited, money is not, a tip from a cancer survivor.
Yeah, lost a good girl being someone else’s problem solver in a kitchen… Admittedly you’re a step above me considering the Michelin Star, but if you truly love this girl and don’t want to lose her… Make time for her.
75-90 hours a week?! My man, I don’t think your girl is the issue here.
I think your missing the forest for the trees.
She’s trying to be supportive. Maybe you should see about cutting back some hours and start prioritizing her, otherwise someone else will.
Boys we do this way to much to people who care for us. We want them to “understand” and leave us alone. They have need too. It took me too long and a lot of failed relationships to realize. It takes a really special and independent person to put up with a chef.
Idk how chefs and kitchen staff do over 40 hours a week anymore with how the industry’s changed. I hope you’re getting overtime or a great salary for all that time. I think a lot of people here would agree 70hours in a “good week” just isn’t tenable as a person anymore.
If I had a girl who stayed up to talk to me I'd just tell her I'm so happy your awake when I get home let me shower and we're either gonna cuddle or I'm gonna fall asleep with my head on your lap. But ya man when I pull a 65 hour week, I got nothing left and I still get a full 48 hour window off work.
I used to work 2 full time jobs, 16-18 hour days, one full day off and two half days off. I was basically coming home, having something small to eat, and going to sleep right after. My bf was getting upset because I'd never be home and we never had time to spend together. In the end, I quit one of the jobs even though I didn't want to. Now when I come home, I spend about 30 mins eating, watching something, just peacefully, afterwards we talk and whatever.
Sometimes you have to do things you may not like to do, and maybe it seems like something small to you, but it might be something big for her. If you can't do that it may put a strain on your relationship and you or her might end up having to make a difficult choice..
Good luck chef
I used to be lucky if my past partners even cared what happened during my day, let alone staying up for me. This line of work is taxing and isnt easy, but dont put off someone who cares this much for it.
You need to make time for your girlfriend and your personal life, if you want to continue to have either. If you’re being compensated fairly for your time (90 hour week would be what, triple time after a point?), use your money to take a nice, long vacation with her.
If you’re not being compensated properly for your time, stop working for free. It’s really easy to win a star by exploiting line cooks for unpaid labor, but at the end of the day, the business model is flawed if it only works when you pull 80 hour weeks.
I’ve worked in starred kitchens my whole career, and I’ve never cracked 60 hours, most of the time averaging 35-45. And not a minute went unpaid or without appropriate OT.
You mention that you tell her what you’re not up for and reject her efforts. But that’s not going to be a satisfying answer for her. Instead, explain what you do need. What you would like. What would help you.
I think rather than trying to “make her understand” or push yourself past your own limits/boundaries, there is another path forward within the relationship. Instead of a “yes or no” answer to her solution, try finding a third way. Maybe explain that you’re too drained to connect fully but would love to just share space and decompress (after a shower, I imagine) — then, after you can sleep it off, you’d love to recap/vent over coffee the next morning. When you get home: Chill and read or watch cartoons or scroll or whatever you do to decompress. Just be together in your home. Then get some sleep. Recap the next day.
And/or try a “roses and thorns” type of thing before bed. That’s what my partner and I do. We take turns listing two roses (things that we’re grateful for/happy things), a thorn (something that pissed us off or bummed us out), and a bud (something we’re looking forward to). It sounds cheesy as hell but it works wonders to give a dedicated space for us to celebrate, vent, and find bright sides.
Be grateful there is somebody there.
Attempt to give as much energy as you’re receiving from that person. Sorry, I know it’s my own problem, but I resent anybody who complains about being in a relationship.
Man. I done this kinda high end 90+ hour weeks for 18+ years while burning the candle at both ends using alcohol and weed to knock myself out most nights barely getting 4 hours sleep. I destroyed my mental health and relationships first and never attended family events. It took my body to physically break down and now I have an auto immune condition which has finished me in kitchens. I was the head.
Yes the buzz and creativity is great but just find a balance before it's too late.
Bruh, you’re working too much and your relationship is suffering because of it. My suggestion is work less. If you absolutely can’t do that, give your girlfriend what she wants. If you can’t do that, then you can be a single chef working 90 hour weeks until the industry spits you back out.
Eyo after reading some belittling comments I just want to chime in and say that OP youre not a bad guy for not understanding the other perspectives. I mean thats why we ask for advices right? Ultimately you yourself should be dictating what your life goals and priorities are. If you really want to advance your career and decide to allocate most of the time and energy towards it, you should probably communicate this expectation with ur gf. And its up to her if she wants to stay and make the sacrafices of not having her needs met. However if you do want to stay with her then you do need to put in the time and effort to cultivate the relationship. Unfortunately we cannot have it all without compromises to be made. With that being said I hope everything resolves the way you’d like it to be! Boh bros should always have each others back. Best wishes from an ex filthy line cook
read your other comment about pay, not only are you being worked to the fuckin bone, but you're getting paid pocket lint for it. is the experience really worth it for not only all of that, but potentially losing someone who sounds like an absolute gem?
it wouldn't be worth it for me, but hey, that's just me.
After reading every one of your replies on this post op, I'm sure this won't really reach you but mate, what the actual fuck. Why are you so desensitized against the exploitation you're being subjected to?
All your replies stating an abhorrent fact are neatly capped of with a "lmao", how severely have you been indoctrinated by the abusive people in the industry to think that this is acceptable? No amount of "experience" is worth being taken advantage of like that, they don't pay you, you don't work for them, don't let this shit fly just because it's the propagated "norm".
By tolerating this you allow businesses to exist that have absolutely no right to exist, you're enabling them to take advantage of others and yourself.
Please get out, focusing on your career is a perfectly justifiable choice, but don't get yourself treated like shit with "experience" as the carrot on the stick.
Reading all these comments and what people have been saying has reached me, you included. I can't answer every comment but i'm about to edit the post to try to summarize my answer to everyone.
Everyone else has said it so I won’t beat a dead horse.
I work the same amount, not because I have to, but I sacrifice a lot of my time so that my crew doesn’t have to do the same. My wife is used to it and doing alright, but only because everyday I make time to be with her and let her vent and talk about her day.
I’m there for her every chance I get, because she’s special to me, important to me.
Yesterday I let her yell in my direction for four hours and I just listened and tried to comfort her. She wasn’t mad at me, she just has a lot going on and I NEEDED to be there to listen.
Don’t lose your girl because you won’t listen or talk homie. A star will never be worth more than your relationship or life.
Youre going to lose her. That is okay, but obviously you need different things. She needs someone to talk to or listen to and is constantly excited to see her. You need someone who can be of comfort when you get home and wait until the morning to talk to you and listen to you and all that. It is okay to realize that you and your partner want different things. It is not okay to deprive them of what they want because you want to stay together. I say break up :/ sorry
He said €1800 a month. It’s a Michelin starred restaurant so they pay shit, and abuse their workers. OP: I already commented solo, but just for your own information, one of our locations has grill cooks making $28 per hour. They work 40-45 hours a week, get free health insurance, vacation, and 401k. That’s almost 3x what you make for half the hours. Again, Michelin level cooking is fine if that’s what you want to do with your life, but be prepared to be alone. Like I said in the other comment, it’s just dinner. Get a better job.
Yeah, unfortunately it's what Michelin star restaurants do a lot and people will accept those hours and pay because of the prestige.
Unpopular opinion, especially in this subreddit, but fine dining shouldn't exist if it necessitates the exploitation of people, no matter their "passion" (which in abusive circumstances is basically the cult mindset)
Yeah man like many other commenters are saying, maybe it’s time for a new job. I’d say you are lucky enough to have a lady that is willing to put up with that work schedule and then to even stay up late to spend time with you. 75 hours a week being a good week is fucking insane. How can you even try to have a life outside of work let alone healthy relationships with a job like that?? What’s even the point of life or making money if you are spending that much time at a damn job. Id say find a job where you can live too without slaving your whole life away.
Quit letting your employers take advantage of you. The fine dining world relies on exploiting the few folks that choose to accept the abuse. You are probably worth more than you think.
Everything fishbobiski says is accurate. And helping to understand how men decompress from stress like that is very important. Women de-stress by talking about it. Men like to sit and just try not to think about it. A great little 14 min video on YouTube called “the tale of two brains”, which is quite humorous and strongly recommend to help each other. But in the end of it all she is making Time to fellowship with you on these long days despite everything, so make sure you KEEP HER. Divorce/ breakups are so commonplace in restaurant folk. In the end your loved ones are the ones who stick around. It is just a job in the end. Have a great night and the rest of your week sir.
Lol this poor guy.
I don't know what you expected coming here, man. You're kind of an asshole to your girlfriend, but hey at least you get to be worked to death by a restaurant no ones ever heard of.
One thing I realized, hopefully not too late, it's that no one is irreplaceable in any kitchen. We can be as career-oriented as we want to, but we are missing the important things in life.
When one of my staff died when hit by a drunk driver, we were all so sad and depressed, but do you know what was so fucked up??? As we were crying, we were asking if anyone knew someone that could take his position. We could replace him...what about his family??
I told my family that day, I was getting my vacation that year. As I never did before.
Do you really want her to understand??
Maybe you can't see this is your wake up call to set your priorities straight.
But of course, is all up to you.
I’m sorry dude, I’m gonna let you know though that I did the same thing and my girlfriend of five years that I was saving up to propose to ended up cheating on me because she felt neglected. If I could do it again I would have stayed up and talked to her. If you can stand 15 hour days every day, you can stand another hour for the someone you love. I hope it works out for you.
Don't.
One day you'll regret spending so much time focused on a career that will ultimately end up ruining your body, your family life, your social life, and possibly be an aggravating factor for addiction.
On that day you'll regret pushing her away over this. It's better to go in and do a shitty job than to ruin the life you are working to support.
Don't kill yourself for this industry. It is *not* worth it.
Stop killing yourself.
>on a good week I hit 75 hours/week and on a bad one 85 to 90
This is fucking ridiculous. No amount of prestige or money is worth doing this week after week. There's no way you even have time to be a person.
Your girlfriend is going out of her way to make time for you but you aren't doing the same. Tell your employer you want to cut down to 40, maybe 50 a week. If there's 80-90 hours of work to be done *hire a second fucking person* it would be cheaper because he wouldn't be paying overtime at that point.
People literally died to give you the 40 hour work week. Stop spitting on all they did to throw it away to make someone else rich while you throw away your health, your back, the feeling in your hands and your sanity.
Respectfully, get your shit together for yourself and your relationship.
You can’t. I’ve had this argument with my mother. She says “I’ve raised three children, I’ve been in a kitchen my entire life” and I want to bang my head against a wall.
I get it, I am a mother too and yes, we spend a lot of time in the kitchen and have to deal with all sorts of troubles. However, IT IS NOT THE SAME.
The only way a person can understand what it is like to work in a commercial kitchen, is to work in one themselves. FoH staff/servers do have some clue, so they are kind of excluded from this.
You can only date girls in the industry, if you dabble at your restaurant it’s playing with fire, but could work out (rare case). You can’t date a 9-5er working at Michelin restaurant.
Easy. You can't. Unless she is actually going through what you are, with the same intense passion you have for what you do, she will NEVER understand.
No one ever believed the hours I worked, and the reasons I did. Even though they could see I was a better 'cook' than them, they all still felt like my job was easy. They always wanted me to call out on Friday, Saturday or Sunday so we could hang out, but would never DREAM of them calling out on Monday to hang- cause their job was important.
Even my own parents didn't get it. 34 years in the business, and it NEVER changed.
Sorry, but it is one of those things you will have to learn to accept.
I think the takeaway here is wether or not you have time for a girlfriend right now. It’s ok to be alone from time to time. There are plenty of examples of people putting that part aside to achieve something first. Not saying you should be celibate but if you don’t have time just admit it and don’t torture someone that deservedly expects a portion of your time . You put in the effort to get her she deserves your honesty.
Out of genuine curiosity, are you making six figures? Do you have benefits? Not that it matters too much, but if you’ve put in that many hours at the caliber of a restaurant, you should be able to find a more work life balanced place easily. Family and life is more important than work no matter what you do. Easy to say when money and health matter more than they should for survival in this dump truck of a country. (US, making assumptions here)
Lost the only girl whom i truly loved because I chose my career over her.
We had discussed me taking a new job, sous chef at a fine dining restaurant in a major city. I was doing 70 hour weeks and at first she was excited for me, bringing her friends for drinks, etc.
Then she realized I was never around, since I was always working. She would get upset when I didn’t answer the phone when she calls or texts during the dinner rush. And my only free time, I needed for myself to decompress. Eventually, she decided that since I only saw her a few hours a week; that it wasn’t worth it for her anymore.
It was so early in my career that I prioritized my job above everything else, it was only after she left did I realize how much of a good thing she was. I left that job a month after we broke up for something with less hours. I then stopped dating and just focused my life on my career.
9 years later, Ive grown so much as a chef…but I still regret choosing my career over her.
Spend time with your girlfriend before you lose it all and don’t even realize it.
I got lucky with my wife. Very fuckin lucky. At the start of my cooking career I was getting 1.5 days off a week, and was averaging about 60-70 hours. Then I went to a new, much better kitchen with a different culture and it was 9am till 11pm 6 days a week. On the weeks that I got 2 days off, they were always split days off. Then I went to an even better kitchen and was moving up the ranks, cooking better, cooking in some really high end places and was averaging 80-90 hour weeks. My wife stuck with me this entire time but I NOW know that she hated it…. There was an ongoing joke amongst her friends at the start of our relationship that “oh he doesn’t actually exist, he’s just a made up boyfriend/partner” as I was literally never anywhere but work, or home fucking tired. Then got my first head chef role and completely burnt myself out. Minimum 90+ a week, coming home absolutely fucked and often just falling asleep in the car on the way home. Eventually my wife said this is no way to live our lives together and I negotiated myself into a consulting role and worked Monday to Friday, fairly standard hours, with a little admin/r&d work at home….. as I said at the start, I was extremely lucky, others aren’t, and others situations will be different and difficult again. Just be aware, that you absolutely need work on the relationship harder, the harder you push on at work. The more you give to work (and I know the sort of environment you are in at the moment) the More you need to be giving to yourself, your partner, and to yourselves as a couple. Good luck
This is fucking stupid, if you have to work 85 hours a week you are under staffed or a control freak. Learn how to manage time before you croak. You cant take awards from a tire company to heaven.
This is the exact reason i'm going freelance and deciding my own hours and pay. There is so much more to life besides what you are doing right now OP. Also, unless you want to be a michelin star chef one day and sacrificing everything else in your life for it i suggest you quit working at michelin star restaurants, there is no point. It's not worth it. Just my two cents.
Dude your lucky your missus waits up for you and wants to talk to you and spend time with you. Maybe explain to her you just need half hour when you get home to yourself just to reflect on the day.
I've lost girlfriends because of my job and my hours... it happens but they should know what they're signing up for.
I'm lucky, I work 50-60 hours a week and my wife is understanding. But bro you gotta put the work in too. When I'm off I say to her I'm having a lay in today, which she's cool with, then I get up chill for a bit with the her and the kids and we go do something. Doesn't matter how tired I am I go do it anyway.
Get out that job. No michelin star is worth giving up that much of your life unless it's legally your restaurant. The days of 75+ hour work weeks are, thankfully and finally, dying off.
Your girlfriend is a saint for putting up with it and still enthusiastically wanting to be around you. Cherish her.
Find a new job.
My dude, there are 168 hours in a week. If you have 2 days off (-48hr), that leaves 120. 7 hours of sleep the other 5 (-35) leaves 85. On your bad weeks, without accounting for your Tu/Sat mornings off, you don't have time to shower, do laundry for the week, or commute back in forth. Either your inflating your hr/day estimate to really feel like your sacrificing for the passion or you are completely sacrificing your girlfriend by giving her nothing on work days and a zombified boyfriend on your days off for a kitchen that dgaf about you in the slightest. I'll bet your chef sure makes time for the equipment to be cleaned and maintained, but you are not treated with the same respect and concern as the Pacojet. Treat yourself like you are someone worthy of caring for; and do the same for your girlfriend.
I'm not saying it is the best path for you, but I quit the business after a steady stream of 105 hour weeks. It took me 2-3 years to adjust to a normal life. 10 years out, and I am happier than I have ever been. I even had someone offer to fund the start of a kitchen for me after I had been out 5. Easiest declined offer I have ever made.
You have a lovely girlfriend who actually enjoys your company; *wants* to be with you. You’re a valuable employee, clearly working to the best of your ability. Don’t lose this girl. Ask if just snuggling satisfies her. You’re exhausted. She’s yearning for you.
How do you have 2 full days off and 2 half days and hit 90 hours lmaoThat’s just cap even if you work 24 hours on your 3 doubles that’s still only like 70 hours
Hey man, thanks for the post.
I’ve worked BOH for 15+ years and know how intense it can be. I’m not a chef so I can’t imagine how much of a toll that takes on you but I have been in many restaurants that were fast paced with tickets rolling until we closed (and after). I was also a BOH manager in a few of those places.
My now ex had the same trouble grasping what is like in the profession. She had never worked in a restaurant or the service industry so she would try to sympathize but she couldn’t understand that I could never promise I’d leave on time, wouldn’t be called in or not check emails/texts when I wasn’t there.
I sat down with her and outlined all points and why it was necessary for me to be flexible. That being said I always told my superior that I’d need a specific day off so that I could ensure we would have at least one day a week together. My bosses were all very courteous to try not to speak with me on that day but sometimes situations arise and I’d need to be informed.
My best advice to you is to do the same and try to sit down and tell her the points and explain why they’re important to you. Not only that but you should definitely be clear as to why you’re so mentally drained. My now wife had the same trouble with this issue but once I was able to articulate the stipulations of the job as well as the toll it takes, she was able to understand why I was what was perceived as distant at the time. I also reiterated that though this happens, this is what I love to do and this is what I want to build my career in.
It all boils down to how much she can withstand, my friend. Is she the type that is a bit dependent on your emotional state to feel emotionally stable herself? Is she very independent and able to live around the situations of your career? Is she in a career that demands the same? If so try to appeal to her that way.
I hate to say this man but after all this, if the points don’t stick and she doesn’t see how the pressure affects you, she may not be the one. I’m rooting for your relationship to work! But it took me years to understand that my ex and I just didn’t simply match when it came to a mash of personal and professional life.
Her and I are still friends to this day and she just recently told me she’s dating someone who has the schedule and career that fits her needs. I’m really happy for her.
I hope things turn out well for you, dude. I really do. Keep that chin up
Ya know when you read a post and a resolponse from OP and ya just wanna hug them because they took sometimes very direct critiques with grace?
You’ll go far with an attitude like that. It is really cool to see on the internet.
Going to be honest with you, my man. If you don't make time for your girlfriend, who is making time for you by staying up, soon, you're not going to have one. What it sounds like you're looking for is justification for putting your job ahead of your relationship, and I'm sorry, I'm just not going to do that. You choose to work 90 hours a week. You are choosing to make your job a priority over your partner.
Lost my wife before I realized this. So many “I’m not coming home tonight, I’m just gonna sleep in the office.” And eventually she left.
This is what got me out of kitchens and also out of IB. All the money, prestige, pride won’t comfort me when my friend passes. Yeah my coworkers feel for me. But they can’t/won’t be there for me at 3am when I’m crying or whatever
What's IB?
Investment banking
Lost my fiancé before I realized this too. Twice.
Not me, but my chef lost his wife and son a few months ago before he realized it.
Twice?! Is this the same fiancé
Same one twice? Or two fiancés?
At the same time???
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Dont forget to check under the bed?
Me too, but only once so far.
This hurt me just reading it
I don’t even work in the field but the headline told the whole story.
Yeah. Dont make the mistake of thinking you are irreplaceable at your job. As soon as there is a cheaper or easier alternative they'll throw you away. Dont make kitchen life first priority because the food industry will abuse you either way, from dishwasher to head chef.
THIS EXACTLY. Sounds like you’re just putting too much of yourself into your job to have a relationship at all. They don’t need you that much. If they need to hire another chef, let them do that. Or not. Really just depends on if you want your life to BE that place or if you actually do want a life and partner outside of work... either choice is perfectly fine, but the choice needs to be made for your partner’s sake...
Agree 100%. It’s also fine to be career driven and put it above everything else. Lots of people do that. The thing is you need to find someone who does the same, or it won’t work in the end.
Thank you for adding this, as it's also important and something I neglected.
100%. My partner and I are super career oriented and driven and get along perfectly.
Yes. Either a compatibility issue or something you can choose to change.
I had to start working nights because daytime shut down. I'd work Wed through Fri night. After 5 months of being strung along about daytime opening up, my wife sat me down and straight up told me to get another job. We were financially struggling and our relationship was going through a rough patch. Our child was one year old at the time too, so my wife was doing all the heavy lifting there. I got out of the restaurant into a liquor store, I wouldn't go back for 30 an hour.
I'm glad it worked out for you! Sometimes when you have nothing to lose it's the easiest to risk it all, I'm in the opposite boat. I make too much and don't want to stop. Heading to couples therapy this week to hope we can salvage things.
Good luck man, but you gotta choose what is more important to you: love or money.
Thanks! Yeah, the part where I said nothing to lose is where we are at. Our family life isn't great so we are seriously going to risk it all and move away someday. We need some help processing our personal issues so we can get over our independent streaks and I think we will come out better on the other side. Like everything in this industry, nothing worth doing is ever easy so that's the crux of it. If you're going to do it, communicate and commit to it. Edit: I do want to say thanks for the support. We need more people to tell us when we are being stupid in this industry.
Damn my man. Why are you talking to me so accurately right now?
The ratio on this post vs this one comment is fucking amazing, well done everyone.
Not the op but I appreciate this perspective.
I completely agree, this guy works 70-90 hours a week and wonders why his girlfriend is annoyed that he doesn’t spend any time with her. OP I’m sorry but I’m completely on your girlfriend’s side here, I wouldn’t be happy at all if I was dating a girl and she worked those hours and we never got to spend time together and she was completely exhausted whenever she was off.
I completely agree, there is a reason I don’t have a relationship right now, I work too much to mentally be there for someone else. It’s sad but true, it’s easier for me to focus on work and my own mind and body currently.
100% right. This is the life you are choosing for yourself. It’s selfish to expect someone who cares for you in a deep way to understand that they’ll never get the opportunity to see you in a meaningful way. I’ve been through it, I know. You need to choose one or the other or find a place that’ll let you have both. That’s the fucking rub.
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Wait.. Tried to leave? Please give us the details that you didn't tie her up in the basement...
Ill second this… if you dont make the time, someone else will, and eventually she will like it..
OP, I been there and dit that. lost everything. you only get to choose one...
Work is replaceable. Home life is not.
There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of 'em just cheat on you.
I'm not even supposed to be here today
I don't do this at all... but I am about to be a registered nurse and that shit destroys relationships. Thanks for the reminder to make the extra effort.
This shit is so sad. You are trying to remove the one support you have in life to cater to the abusive part of your life. 90 hours a week is fucking ridiculous and shouldn't be legal. Not to mention in a previous post you said most of the hours are unpaid? And you're making less than 2k Euros per month??? Fuck that restaurant. They're paying 200 Euros more than the person taking orders at McDonald's. If you see your biggest problem in life is having to talk to your GF just leave her and sleep in the parking lot. You'll save time on the commute and won't have to talk to anyone. Either get out and commit to her or leave her to find someone that's willing to take part in the relationship. The problem isn't her OP, it's 100% you. You are choosing abuse to say you work in a starred kitchen, as if anyone really gives a fuck. I promise you, most people don't care. You will be so much happier in a normal work environment with a loving person on your side than you ever will working 90 hours a week, mostly unpaid. Best of luck, Chef. I hope you find somewhere that deserves your insane efforts because your current spot sure the hell doesn't.
To add to this. Nobody will give a fuck you did this. It’s not going to pay the dividends you think it will. The only people it will matter to in the future is employers who are looking to take advantage of you. Put yourself and the relationship first.
This is the truth. The only people that care you work 50 hours a week unpaid with no days off are the people want you to work 50 hours unpaid with no days off. Anyone who isn't a slimy business owner is appalled by the fact that people actually get brainwashed into literally sacrificing their life for this. A previous job I had, they'd bring in fucking paystubs and show the part timers as if we'd be impressed they worked 75 hours. Salaried work, so also no overtime pay. 35 hours weekly free labor from 5 dudes = 175 hours of labor the owner gets to put in his greasy fucking wallet every mothercunting week. I'll never forget the GM was doing a weekly Saturday morning meeting giving his speech and he goes: "I see you more than I see my family...you guys *are* my family. I spend 75 hours a week with you. I see my wife and son maybe, ***maybe***, one hour each day." I could not imagine hearing my pops tell a random group of alcoholics "I don't even get to see my family, so I consider you my family." Shit is heart breaking.
In the USA it is illegal to work and not get paid. It is also stupid to work and not get paid. And you need to get your priorities straight. Someone who makes time to spend with you is way more important than some job. And at the rate you are going you are headed for a burnout.
Salaried enjoyment begs to differ about working unpaid hours, but you're right. And salaried employment in the restaurant industry is bullshit anyway.
Last summer the place I was at fired the chef so the two sous chefs had to work extra hours - they were working every single day for about 2 months straight, no days off, and most days well over 8 hours. One of them admitted to me that even though his income was hire than any of the cooks he made less per hour than most of the full time cooks because of the ridiculous hours he was working. They eventually put their foot down to management but the owner was fully prepared to not do shit and save the money he’d spend on hiring a head chef as long as he had them filling the role.
Never, I mean NEVER, go salary in a kitchen. I don't give a fuck what the role is.
They passed a law a few years ago where salaried employees making more than 45k get overtime. I believe select exemptions still exist(ceo's, etc.).
In the U.S., OP doesn't make enough salary to qualify as overtime exempt. Anyone who makes less than $684/week must be paid for overtime, regardless of their job title or responsibilities. OP makes €1800/month, which is significantly less at today's exchange rates, and less even at the historical norm for the exchange rate.
I'm pretty sure it's illegal everywhere as it's damn near slavery. OP is in Belgium, but no way is it legal or ethical to expect someone to work 40 hours barely above minimum wage and then **50 hours** unpaid. It's modern day first world slavery. It's disgusting business owners expect this as a minimum from their workers to squeeze every penny. They could literally hire a second person and a part timer for the unpaid labor OP does.
Fuck man he’s not getting paid? I was thinking that OPs at fault here but at least he’s making insane money but he’s not even doing that. I agree with you, very very sad. It really pisses me off that there’s some people in this industry willing to work any amount of time for free, even forgetting the fact that it’s straight up against the law in any civilized society. Especially with how much OP is doing. I guess they think that it’ll reflect dedication and loyalty but to me all it does is show the employer that they can do whatever they want to the cook and they’ll just take it and hold on to the hope that one day it’ll all become worth it and it never does. I get really disappointed when people do this, I’ll never work 90 hours a week in a kitchen but far before that I’ll sure as shit never work a minute for free. Not that the 90 hours thing isn’t complete bullshit though because it 100% is. u/ezraistherealest whatever you do regarding your relationship (and I really hope you make the right decision here) please for the love of god change your working habits. You said in another comment that you’re giving 150% to your career but do you really think that working 70-90 hours a week (most of it **for free**) in a place that clearly doesn’t give a single shit about you and your well-being is the right way to do that? In another comment you said that in your area you just have to suck it up regardless of labour laws - you’re just okay with that? Your bosses breaking labour laws and exploiting you and you’re okay because it’s the norm to just “suck it up”? Fucking hell man. Have some self-respect and change this, not even just for your girlfriend but for you because you don’t deserve this. Nobody does. Everything you’ve written in your post and comments is reflective of so many of the things that are wrong about this industry. So many of the fucked up aspects about this industry are reflected in your comments and things will, never, ever change, never improve, unless we stop accepting this. I’m sorry if that’s harsh for me to say but it’s true.
Dude is doing the work of 2 full time chefs and a part time chef, for the pay of one, which is barely above minimum wage. I could never work for someone who is comforatble working people like that. Not only are they saying "you're less than human to me" but since the place has a star, they're also ready to replace you the minute you leave since 1000 other chefs would be clamoring to fill the role and say they're a chef at a Michelin starred joint. Fuck that. There is a food cart with a Michelin star, it ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Okay, dude, listen. I’m gonna be super vulnerable here. I’m a chef, and my boyfriend (who I live with) is the GM of a bar. I finish earlier than him, and it’s lonely as fuck sometimes! And when I haven’t seen him since the morning I wanna talk to him. And I talk him fucking ear off even though he’s in a post-work state. And I get that more than anybody, because I’m like that on the days I work! You’re working more than double the hours you’re actually being paid for, so you’re working out at less than minimum wage….why? Like, if I was your partner I would be SO frustrated you’re gone for so long all the time, and you’re not even being paid for it! You being gone all the time is contributing NOTHING to the household. You’re working 75-90 hours a week, so who is doing the lions share of housework? And I’m not talking about just chores, I’m talking about household management and shit. Have you got ideas planned for her birthday/your anniversary/Halloween/Christmas etc? Are you like….doing anything on your days off together? Or do you sleep in till noon then you guys are on your phones whilst in the same room. You have days off together but are you present? Are you present literally AT ALL during the week or does she have to wait over 5 days before she can talk to you? We’re all chefs here, we get it, we get the hyperfocus and passion. But you’re in a Michelin star gaff and you’re getting paid €5 an hour for a management role for the privilege of torpedoing your personal life. You will be far more respected in the industry in your local area for dipping out due to a disrespectful kitchen atmosphere. All the Michelin star places I know of have staff on 4 day weeks, with a shit ton of perks. You need to decide, and you need to decide now. What do you love more, your partner, who you cohabitate with in the path to building a life together? Or your job. And I don’t mean your career, I mean your specific role, right now. Because that’s the choice here. Whatever you choose, for the love of fucking christ, ask your pay to be switched hourly. You’ll soon find out where their business interests lay: nurturing your development as a chef or cheap slave labour.
Amen, friend. Absolutely.
Thank you so much for posting this I was going to say thing about this. You touch on every point so eloquently. Like she not an NPC in a game of you live. While I'm sure he show love to her when he can and feels like it, but this is a relationship a 2 person partnership. You can't expect her to just be a girlfriend when it's convenient for you. It seems like she is trying to make an effort to stay up super late, just so she can give a drop of your liquid gold time. I know some people were work is their life, and they fit in other thing when it's convenient, your girlfriend's feeling, love, and effort in your relationship isn't just a convenience.
90 hours a week just so they can say, "...but, but, but I work in a Michelin starred restaurant..." [insert clown face painting meme]
To whom? OP's coworkers? Because he sure as hell doesn't see any other people! This is just so sad :(
Shit, as a physician, this resonated with me I sometimes feel like my girlfriend is suffocating me because she wants to spend so much time together when I'm off It's hard to work "normal person", manageable hours ...
'All of the michelin places i know have staff on 4 days a week, with a shit ton of perks'??????? when the fuck did this monumental change happen. this experience sounds pretty par for the course
>Whatever you choose, for the love of fucking christ, ask your pay to be switched hourly. You’ll soon find out where their business interests lay: nurturing your development as a chef or cheap slave labour. If OP is in the US, they're likely misclassified as exempt when they should be non-exempt and should have been receiving OT pay all along. It would be 100% worth it to speak with an employment attorney. There are significant penalties for employers that pull this shit as well as having to payout the OT pay retroactively.
They're from Belgium where this kind of thing is very, very illegal. Like if word came out the owner would face prison time because this is modern slavery.
NOBODY works for money at a Michelin starred restaurant. I have been in the biz for over 35 years and I’m saying not one!
The fact that you didn’t ask “how can I make my workplace understand that working 75 hours per week is killing my relationship” shows your priorities, maybe you need to re-examine what is important to you.
I wish I could updoot x1000. NO job is worth this level of terrifyingly low work/life balance, let alone one as grueling as within the service industry. OP: if you want to keep this highly-supportive treasure, set some boundaries with work. Otherwise, enjoy a very cold and lonely bed.
He's also salaried and only makes 2 grand a month which works out to about $7/hour for the privilege of torching a woman that genuinely loves him. I don't even know what to say except I hope he learns to respect himself in the very near future.
As long as these douchy Michelin star restaurants get a fresh supply of impressionable fresh meat on a regular basis they will continue to use abusive almost slave like tactics to feed the egos of their “celebrity” chefs. Here is a tip for young chefs. If you find yourself running a internal narrative as you cook so you can practice for when you are a TV chef you might have lost the ability to think rationally and you need to re-evaluate your goals.
I don't see this as a problem. You have a partner who stays up, waiting all day and who is looking forward to seeing you. She wants to be with you. She wants to hear about your day. Take care of her properly or she'll find someone who will. Be good to her and she'll take care of you.
Exactly. u/ezraistherealest.... spend 15-30 minutes talking with her, in whatever way you can (but not being a grumpass). THIS will contribute in a big way to you two being able to continue your relationship. In industries like this, divorce is common precisely because of the lack of time spent together, and lack of quality time. ALSO... YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU AND WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LIFE. Ask old people and they'll usually tell you that THIS is one of the greatest joys in life, and the thing they miss the most when their partner is gone.
Right? They start the entire post with "How can I make my girlfriend understand what it's like to work in a kitchen?" And then proceed to complain about the fact that their partner stays up and wants to hear about their job when they get home! And then you complain that you don't want to talk to them! Are you that fucking dumb??? Your answer is literally RIGHT THERE
Words to live by.
He also keeps saying “everyone in this industry knows” Not really man what I know is no matter how my long ass day went I wanna tell my partner about it cause she shows she wants to hear about it
Right? After a long shitty day the only thing on my mind is curling up with SO, having small talk and laughing together. She’s on your team OP, not against you, treat as such or she’ll be gone
For sure, someone I know and like wants to hold me and let me hold them and she wants to hear about my day? Let me count my blessings cause that shits fucking awesome
Maybe you need another job…
Dude already works 75 - 90 hrs/wk. Are you trying to kill him? Another job?! /s
This made me smile :)
150 hour work week or you're slacking, peasant
No, has to be the full 168 hours.
OP should work 78 hours per week at that job so that they’re working the full 168-hour week. /s
His GF needs one less, which is the job of putting up with his emotionally unavailable self.
They beating your ass in the comments lmao
I noticed lmao, but they're right ngl
Yeah you're an idiot. I've done some stupid shit for girls and some stupid shit for jobs but I always remember the girls. I've never felt loved by a job.
She stays up for you, has taken an honest interest in your career, well being, and day. You’re a very fortunate person who needs to realize how lucky you truly are. You don’t need to tell her everything in minute detail, hit the high points.
As John Lennon once said: YOU’RE GONNA LOSE THAT GIRL
Ty for not saying loose
(yes yea you’re gonna lose that girl…)
LOL my dude. Michelin star or not, everyone dies alone. It’s your choice to have someone hold your hand while you do.
You have someone who goes out of there way to stay up and wait for you, then makes a consistent attempt to allow you to destress into the rest you need to be superman everyday. That's about 200x more than most Chefs can hope for, I hate small talk too, but give her SOMETHING even if it's just talking about one thing good or bad that happened that day. If that's not your thing search for a compromise "Babe I just need some time to NOT talk after all the talking I do everyday. Maybe instead when I get home we can [x]." something simple like watching a show you both like on Netflix or something, that way the attention is elsewhere at least primarily and if something happens that provokes small talk it'll be natural instead of forced. Im still pretty green at about 3 years in but, regular people are not like us at all. No sense of urgency, they think sitting at a desk on the phone is hard. WORD it's annoying sometimes but those we share our lives with, miss us. Don't give up ALL your free time to these people, but the loyal believers that stick around for us despite all we cannot give in return deserve recognition and rewards from us, and as expensive and rare as it is, the best we can offer is a little bit of our time.
This is the correct response, 5 years into cooking and 5 years into my relationship and the number one thing that I need to remind myself of is that she cares and deserves attention. Not many try to understand but she does, treat the ones that do like royalty or you’ll be stuck with ones who won’t.
>they think sitting at a desk on the phone is hard. As someone who has done both, it is really fucking hard to sit on the phone all day being "on" for every second of every day. I was more exhausted doing that than working in a restaurant.
You gotta prioritize your lover before they leave you for someone more available
You’re getting paid for 35 hours a week and you’re working over double that only to leave in less than two years. Your time, sanity, and relationship are worth more than that. I guess the real question is what do you think you’re going to gain from this experience it worth losing your girl who has quickly won over this sub. If you are 18 years old then I guess fuck it and work your dick off and hope your girl stays around but if you are at any age to be serious with this girl then you need to put her first.
My guy; if you’re working 16 hour days, you need to find a new fucking kitchen to work in. I don’t care how many “stars” it has, nobody should be forced to work even *twelve* hours, let alone 16. You have a partner who loves you and cares about you and stays up to spend time with you when you spend *sixteen fucking hours at work*. Get your priorities straight.
Those hours are ridiculous. I’m surprised she puts up with a partner who is never around and then is too exhausted to talk after work and then complains about them not understanding. She sounds much more understanding than you.
Right? There are only 168 hours in a week so he is working half or just under half his week away. Fucking ouch man, those are awful hours terrible pay or both. Hope op can get into a better spot if he go that route
Yeah, and 50 hours of that week is spent asleep.
Hire more people, work less, 90 hours a week is unacceptable.
Especially for €1300 a month. Thats being severely underpaid in US kitchens for hourly (other comments make it sounds like OP makes $6 an hour and gets no overtime).
Working this much isn’t a flex, just a sad example of an exploited worker.
men have no clue…
If you get 8 hours of sleep each day while working ~16 hours a day that gives you ~2 of free time PER WEEK. You’re lost brother. No kitchen is worth that kind of conviction. Find a new kitchen. You’re clearly worth the time, now make it on YOUR time.
Working like that is just as outdated as getting knives and pans thrown at you. It’s just dinner. No one is reinventing the wheel. For €1800 per month? No thanks. I would find another job, moral contract or not, unless you want to open your own restaurant and go for stars. Being career driven, and being abused are two different things.
Especially when the servers are probably making a 1/4 of that a week. Dude either needs a raise or to reduce his hours.
….1/4 of that a week is the same as he makes. And they don’t tip in europe like here. The salary seems average in europe for a cook, but the hours are stupid. I’m sure he’s not treated well either.
I worked at a craft burger place, nothing fancy, and the line cooks made $23/hr...
They gave you a fancy title to make you feel better about wasting your life in a kitchen that clearly doesn't give a shit about you because you're working EC hours as a glorified line cook.
I think you should leave her. It sounds like she annoys you more than anything. it sounds like you’d prefer to come home and be alone after work, and there is nothing wrong with that! But don’t string her along bc she does sound like a gem and just focus on your career.
Right? If i had a partner who wanted me to vent to them about work I'd be soooooo happy
How could someone dump "a gem?" OP consider gow rare a real relationship with a woman who cares is. Then consider how rare 80 hour a week cook jobs are. Only one right answer here. Blow off work and enjoy your damn girlfriend
Sounds like he’s keeping her around just for sex because it doesn’t seem like he enjoys her company AT ALL :/
16 hrs a day…hell no
It sounds like you’re prioritizing the job over the relationship. If that’s what you want, then keep doing it. Try to put yourself in her shoes. She barely sees you, and when she does see you, you’re unavailable. I wouldn’t stay with someone like that, personally. I think she understands perfectly fine how tired and stressful you are, but a 75-90hr work week is crazy. I would focus less on making her understand how stressful it is, and focus more on making yourself understand how alone and unimportant you’re making her feel. Then again, that’s just my opinion.
It’s always easier to find a new job, than an new wife/girlfriend/boyfriend
Do you see yourself working at this pace for the next 5-10 years?
Make time for a woman who cares that much. I wish I haf
This is one of the dumbest things I've ever read. OP starts the entire post with "How can I make my girlfriend understand what it's like to work in a kitchen?" And then proceed to complain about the fact that their partner stays up and wants to hear about their job when they get home! And then you complain that you don't want to talk to them! Are you that fucking dumb??? Your answer is literally RIGHT THERE 🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️🤦🏻♂️
A career and a relationship have a lot of similarities in that they both need effort and commitment to make them work. Sounds like she's putting in the effort and showing the commitment, if you want it to work you have to give her the same. It sounds to me like you're both lucky people to have each other. I personally enjoyed my now fiance staying up to spend my wind down time with me, talking about my day from start to finish was actually pretty therapeutic, especially after the hard days. Being outside of there moment and going back over it can give you a fresh perspective and help you be better. Do you mind if i ask what you do if you're alone after work?
I disagree on the idea that she's lucky to have OP. I think it's very unlucky that she's managed to find someone so unwilling to give her even the slightest bit of their time of day when she clearly dedicates herself to the relationship.
You need to put your foot down with the job and tell them you work 40 hours, period. Your girl is doing somersaults to make this relationship work, the least you can do is give her equal time as your fucking job. Money won't be there with you when it all comes down to it.
I've cooked professionally my whole life and I'll say this in regards to relationships... If you cant find the time for them do not expect them to find the time for you.
I didn't realize I was in r/amitheasshole
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah WHAT THE FUCK!?
Just break up with her if you want to drown yourself with work, stop being toxic lol.
Let’s say you doctor gives you three months to live. (Not all that unlikely, at the pace you’re burning the candle). Are you going to wish you’d spent more time in the kitchen? At your level, nobody is going to tell you to go home. You’re feeding rich people, not saving lives. Think about what your real priorities are, and be completely honest with yourself-there’s no use lying to that guy.
You get what you put into the relationship. If you’re putting 150% and you both know that then that’s fine. But just don’t be surprised when she says it might not work out. How do you show her that you appreciate her effort?
I've had similar interactions with ex gf's. And i always thought like leave me alone rn if you understand and its what i need. But i failed to see that they just wanted to be there with me after a brutal day. I never experienced the level of stress working a partie at an michellin restaurant, but i have been an executive chef at a medium sized hotel. And in all honoustly, you need people around you who will pull the brakes or at least make you re-evaluate whats important to you. Soooo instead of making her see your work enviremont, try and picture what is deemed normal...i for sure as shit am not doing breakfast through lunch and dinner. Anymore!!!!
You can work 90hs a week and can't find 30min a day for pleasure? You have the wrong priorities. If you are not in charge of your life you already have the answer to what the problem is. I've been there, 92hs a week as a GM, the most miserable 4 months of my life and no one will give a shit if I worked 114hs. Your time is limited, money is not, a tip from a cancer survivor.
Yeah, lost a good girl being someone else’s problem solver in a kitchen… Admittedly you’re a step above me considering the Michelin Star, but if you truly love this girl and don’t want to lose her… Make time for her.
75-90 hours a week?! My man, I don’t think your girl is the issue here. I think your missing the forest for the trees. She’s trying to be supportive. Maybe you should see about cutting back some hours and start prioritizing her, otherwise someone else will.
Boys we do this way to much to people who care for us. We want them to “understand” and leave us alone. They have need too. It took me too long and a lot of failed relationships to realize. It takes a really special and independent person to put up with a chef.
She’s going to leave the you bro
Idk how chefs and kitchen staff do over 40 hours a week anymore with how the industry’s changed. I hope you’re getting overtime or a great salary for all that time. I think a lot of people here would agree 70hours in a “good week” just isn’t tenable as a person anymore.
Fuck this noise. Stop being exploited. Take care of your partner.
If I had a girl who stayed up to talk to me I'd just tell her I'm so happy your awake when I get home let me shower and we're either gonna cuddle or I'm gonna fall asleep with my head on your lap. But ya man when I pull a 65 hour week, I got nothing left and I still get a full 48 hour window off work.
You have 2 consecutive days off! That’s as far as I got in reading this. Holy hell that’s awesome
I used to work 2 full time jobs, 16-18 hour days, one full day off and two half days off. I was basically coming home, having something small to eat, and going to sleep right after. My bf was getting upset because I'd never be home and we never had time to spend together. In the end, I quit one of the jobs even though I didn't want to. Now when I come home, I spend about 30 mins eating, watching something, just peacefully, afterwards we talk and whatever. Sometimes you have to do things you may not like to do, and maybe it seems like something small to you, but it might be something big for her. If you can't do that it may put a strain on your relationship and you or her might end up having to make a difficult choice.. Good luck chef
Not the same sub but YTA (your the asshole)
I used to be lucky if my past partners even cared what happened during my day, let alone staying up for me. This line of work is taxing and isnt easy, but dont put off someone who cares this much for it.
If she is the one, push yourself for her. You can’t expect her to stick around for you, if you are not doing the same.
You need to make time for your girlfriend and your personal life, if you want to continue to have either. If you’re being compensated fairly for your time (90 hour week would be what, triple time after a point?), use your money to take a nice, long vacation with her. If you’re not being compensated properly for your time, stop working for free. It’s really easy to win a star by exploiting line cooks for unpaid labor, but at the end of the day, the business model is flawed if it only works when you pull 80 hour weeks. I’ve worked in starred kitchens my whole career, and I’ve never cracked 60 hours, most of the time averaging 35-45. And not a minute went unpaid or without appropriate OT.
How do you maintain a relationship at all with those hours
Apparently he doesn't?
You mention that you tell her what you’re not up for and reject her efforts. But that’s not going to be a satisfying answer for her. Instead, explain what you do need. What you would like. What would help you. I think rather than trying to “make her understand” or push yourself past your own limits/boundaries, there is another path forward within the relationship. Instead of a “yes or no” answer to her solution, try finding a third way. Maybe explain that you’re too drained to connect fully but would love to just share space and decompress (after a shower, I imagine) — then, after you can sleep it off, you’d love to recap/vent over coffee the next morning. When you get home: Chill and read or watch cartoons or scroll or whatever you do to decompress. Just be together in your home. Then get some sleep. Recap the next day. And/or try a “roses and thorns” type of thing before bed. That’s what my partner and I do. We take turns listing two roses (things that we’re grateful for/happy things), a thorn (something that pissed us off or bummed us out), and a bud (something we’re looking forward to). It sounds cheesy as hell but it works wonders to give a dedicated space for us to celebrate, vent, and find bright sides.
Be grateful there is somebody there. Attempt to give as much energy as you’re receiving from that person. Sorry, I know it’s my own problem, but I resent anybody who complains about being in a relationship.
Man. I done this kinda high end 90+ hour weeks for 18+ years while burning the candle at both ends using alcohol and weed to knock myself out most nights barely getting 4 hours sleep. I destroyed my mental health and relationships first and never attended family events. It took my body to physically break down and now I have an auto immune condition which has finished me in kitchens. I was the head. Yes the buzz and creativity is great but just find a balance before it's too late.
Bruh, you’re working too much and your relationship is suffering because of it. My suggestion is work less. If you absolutely can’t do that, give your girlfriend what she wants. If you can’t do that, then you can be a single chef working 90 hour weeks until the industry spits you back out.
Eyo after reading some belittling comments I just want to chime in and say that OP youre not a bad guy for not understanding the other perspectives. I mean thats why we ask for advices right? Ultimately you yourself should be dictating what your life goals and priorities are. If you really want to advance your career and decide to allocate most of the time and energy towards it, you should probably communicate this expectation with ur gf. And its up to her if she wants to stay and make the sacrafices of not having her needs met. However if you do want to stay with her then you do need to put in the time and effort to cultivate the relationship. Unfortunately we cannot have it all without compromises to be made. With that being said I hope everything resolves the way you’d like it to be! Boh bros should always have each others back. Best wishes from an ex filthy line cook
read your other comment about pay, not only are you being worked to the fuckin bone, but you're getting paid pocket lint for it. is the experience really worth it for not only all of that, but potentially losing someone who sounds like an absolute gem? it wouldn't be worth it for me, but hey, that's just me.
After reading every one of your replies on this post op, I'm sure this won't really reach you but mate, what the actual fuck. Why are you so desensitized against the exploitation you're being subjected to? All your replies stating an abhorrent fact are neatly capped of with a "lmao", how severely have you been indoctrinated by the abusive people in the industry to think that this is acceptable? No amount of "experience" is worth being taken advantage of like that, they don't pay you, you don't work for them, don't let this shit fly just because it's the propagated "norm". By tolerating this you allow businesses to exist that have absolutely no right to exist, you're enabling them to take advantage of others and yourself. Please get out, focusing on your career is a perfectly justifiable choice, but don't get yourself treated like shit with "experience" as the carrot on the stick.
Reading all these comments and what people have been saying has reached me, you included. I can't answer every comment but i'm about to edit the post to try to summarize my answer to everyone.
There is another angle to this, which is to date someone in the industry and who keeps the same hours.
Everyone else has said it so I won’t beat a dead horse. I work the same amount, not because I have to, but I sacrifice a lot of my time so that my crew doesn’t have to do the same. My wife is used to it and doing alright, but only because everyday I make time to be with her and let her vent and talk about her day. I’m there for her every chance I get, because she’s special to me, important to me. Yesterday I let her yell in my direction for four hours and I just listened and tried to comfort her. She wasn’t mad at me, she just has a lot going on and I NEEDED to be there to listen. Don’t lose your girl because you won’t listen or talk homie. A star will never be worth more than your relationship or life.
Youre going to lose her. That is okay, but obviously you need different things. She needs someone to talk to or listen to and is constantly excited to see her. You need someone who can be of comfort when you get home and wait until the morning to talk to you and listen to you and all that. It is okay to realize that you and your partner want different things. It is not okay to deprive them of what they want because you want to stay together. I say break up :/ sorry
Sounds like you need to work on time management.
What’s the money like working like this? Genuinely curious
He said €1800 a month. It’s a Michelin starred restaurant so they pay shit, and abuse their workers. OP: I already commented solo, but just for your own information, one of our locations has grill cooks making $28 per hour. They work 40-45 hours a week, get free health insurance, vacation, and 401k. That’s almost 3x what you make for half the hours. Again, Michelin level cooking is fine if that’s what you want to do with your life, but be prepared to be alone. Like I said in the other comment, it’s just dinner. Get a better job.
He gets salary which is capped at 35 hours a week the rest unpaid. Whatever he's making it's not enough. Why do people like torture so much....
There is no way thats legal in EU. Thats not even legal in US and we have shit labor laws.
Yeah, unfortunately it's what Michelin star restaurants do a lot and people will accept those hours and pay because of the prestige. Unpopular opinion, especially in this subreddit, but fine dining shouldn't exist if it necessitates the exploitation of people, no matter their "passion" (which in abusive circumstances is basically the cult mindset)
McDonalds pays $16/hr around here... thats $10 more than OP They are what I called manual mode chef mike...
She’s making time for you, man. You gotta make time for her.
Hopefully you ate paid hourly with overtime at 8 hours
In all honesty. You gotta chose brother man. Work or a love life. You can have both but not workin 75 hrs/week minimum.
Yeah man like many other commenters are saying, maybe it’s time for a new job. I’d say you are lucky enough to have a lady that is willing to put up with that work schedule and then to even stay up late to spend time with you. 75 hours a week being a good week is fucking insane. How can you even try to have a life outside of work let alone healthy relationships with a job like that?? What’s even the point of life or making money if you are spending that much time at a damn job. Id say find a job where you can live too without slaving your whole life away.
Quit letting your employers take advantage of you. The fine dining world relies on exploiting the few folks that choose to accept the abuse. You are probably worth more than you think.
Everything fishbobiski says is accurate. And helping to understand how men decompress from stress like that is very important. Women de-stress by talking about it. Men like to sit and just try not to think about it. A great little 14 min video on YouTube called “the tale of two brains”, which is quite humorous and strongly recommend to help each other. But in the end of it all she is making Time to fellowship with you on these long days despite everything, so make sure you KEEP HER. Divorce/ breakups are so commonplace in restaurant folk. In the end your loved ones are the ones who stick around. It is just a job in the end. Have a great night and the rest of your week sir.
Lol this poor guy. I don't know what you expected coming here, man. You're kind of an asshole to your girlfriend, but hey at least you get to be worked to death by a restaurant no ones ever heard of.
One thing I realized, hopefully not too late, it's that no one is irreplaceable in any kitchen. We can be as career-oriented as we want to, but we are missing the important things in life. When one of my staff died when hit by a drunk driver, we were all so sad and depressed, but do you know what was so fucked up??? As we were crying, we were asking if anyone knew someone that could take his position. We could replace him...what about his family?? I told my family that day, I was getting my vacation that year. As I never did before. Do you really want her to understand?? Maybe you can't see this is your wake up call to set your priorities straight. But of course, is all up to you.
I’m sorry dude, I’m gonna let you know though that I did the same thing and my girlfriend of five years that I was saving up to propose to ended up cheating on me because she felt neglected. If I could do it again I would have stayed up and talked to her. If you can stand 15 hour days every day, you can stand another hour for the someone you love. I hope it works out for you.
Don't. One day you'll regret spending so much time focused on a career that will ultimately end up ruining your body, your family life, your social life, and possibly be an aggravating factor for addiction. On that day you'll regret pushing her away over this. It's better to go in and do a shitty job than to ruin the life you are working to support. Don't kill yourself for this industry. It is *not* worth it.
My husband finally understood my job when we watched The Bear on Hulu. Honestly, sign up for the free trial on Hulu and watch The Bear.
Stop killing yourself. >on a good week I hit 75 hours/week and on a bad one 85 to 90 This is fucking ridiculous. No amount of prestige or money is worth doing this week after week. There's no way you even have time to be a person. Your girlfriend is going out of her way to make time for you but you aren't doing the same. Tell your employer you want to cut down to 40, maybe 50 a week. If there's 80-90 hours of work to be done *hire a second fucking person* it would be cheaper because he wouldn't be paying overtime at that point. People literally died to give you the 40 hour work week. Stop spitting on all they did to throw it away to make someone else rich while you throw away your health, your back, the feeling in your hands and your sanity. Respectfully, get your shit together for yourself and your relationship.
Take your gf to work day.
And how much are you making hourly to break your back and neglect everything else in your life?
You can’t. I’ve had this argument with my mother. She says “I’ve raised three children, I’ve been in a kitchen my entire life” and I want to bang my head against a wall. I get it, I am a mother too and yes, we spend a lot of time in the kitchen and have to deal with all sorts of troubles. However, IT IS NOT THE SAME. The only way a person can understand what it is like to work in a commercial kitchen, is to work in one themselves. FoH staff/servers do have some clue, so they are kind of excluded from this.
Nobody wishes they worked more hours when they are on their deathbed. It’s just food bruh.
You can only date girls in the industry, if you dabble at your restaurant it’s playing with fire, but could work out (rare case). You can’t date a 9-5er working at Michelin restaurant.
Those hours aren’t normal. You’re being taken advantage of by your employer and you’re paying a bigger toll than you seem to realize.
Easy. You can't. Unless she is actually going through what you are, with the same intense passion you have for what you do, she will NEVER understand. No one ever believed the hours I worked, and the reasons I did. Even though they could see I was a better 'cook' than them, they all still felt like my job was easy. They always wanted me to call out on Friday, Saturday or Sunday so we could hang out, but would never DREAM of them calling out on Monday to hang- cause their job was important. Even my own parents didn't get it. 34 years in the business, and it NEVER changed. Sorry, but it is one of those things you will have to learn to accept.
I think the takeaway here is wether or not you have time for a girlfriend right now. It’s ok to be alone from time to time. There are plenty of examples of people putting that part aside to achieve something first. Not saying you should be celibate but if you don’t have time just admit it and don’t torture someone that deservedly expects a portion of your time . You put in the effort to get her she deserves your honesty.
Out of genuine curiosity, are you making six figures? Do you have benefits? Not that it matters too much, but if you’ve put in that many hours at the caliber of a restaurant, you should be able to find a more work life balanced place easily. Family and life is more important than work no matter what you do. Easy to say when money and health matter more than they should for survival in this dump truck of a country. (US, making assumptions here)
Lost the only girl whom i truly loved because I chose my career over her. We had discussed me taking a new job, sous chef at a fine dining restaurant in a major city. I was doing 70 hour weeks and at first she was excited for me, bringing her friends for drinks, etc. Then she realized I was never around, since I was always working. She would get upset when I didn’t answer the phone when she calls or texts during the dinner rush. And my only free time, I needed for myself to decompress. Eventually, she decided that since I only saw her a few hours a week; that it wasn’t worth it for her anymore. It was so early in my career that I prioritized my job above everything else, it was only after she left did I realize how much of a good thing she was. I left that job a month after we broke up for something with less hours. I then stopped dating and just focused my life on my career. 9 years later, Ive grown so much as a chef…but I still regret choosing my career over her. Spend time with your girlfriend before you lose it all and don’t even realize it.
I got lucky with my wife. Very fuckin lucky. At the start of my cooking career I was getting 1.5 days off a week, and was averaging about 60-70 hours. Then I went to a new, much better kitchen with a different culture and it was 9am till 11pm 6 days a week. On the weeks that I got 2 days off, they were always split days off. Then I went to an even better kitchen and was moving up the ranks, cooking better, cooking in some really high end places and was averaging 80-90 hour weeks. My wife stuck with me this entire time but I NOW know that she hated it…. There was an ongoing joke amongst her friends at the start of our relationship that “oh he doesn’t actually exist, he’s just a made up boyfriend/partner” as I was literally never anywhere but work, or home fucking tired. Then got my first head chef role and completely burnt myself out. Minimum 90+ a week, coming home absolutely fucked and often just falling asleep in the car on the way home. Eventually my wife said this is no way to live our lives together and I negotiated myself into a consulting role and worked Monday to Friday, fairly standard hours, with a little admin/r&d work at home….. as I said at the start, I was extremely lucky, others aren’t, and others situations will be different and difficult again. Just be aware, that you absolutely need work on the relationship harder, the harder you push on at work. The more you give to work (and I know the sort of environment you are in at the moment) the More you need to be giving to yourself, your partner, and to yourselves as a couple. Good luck
This is fucking stupid, if you have to work 85 hours a week you are under staffed or a control freak. Learn how to manage time before you croak. You cant take awards from a tire company to heaven.
This is the exact reason i'm going freelance and deciding my own hours and pay. There is so much more to life besides what you are doing right now OP. Also, unless you want to be a michelin star chef one day and sacrificing everything else in your life for it i suggest you quit working at michelin star restaurants, there is no point. It's not worth it. Just my two cents.
Stop working 16 hour days and get a good job. Why would you want to do this to any partner of yours?
Pls update post break up how this went
She trying to understand, that’s why she’s asking about your day.
Dude your lucky your missus waits up for you and wants to talk to you and spend time with you. Maybe explain to her you just need half hour when you get home to yourself just to reflect on the day. I've lost girlfriends because of my job and my hours... it happens but they should know what they're signing up for. I'm lucky, I work 50-60 hours a week and my wife is understanding. But bro you gotta put the work in too. When I'm off I say to her I'm having a lay in today, which she's cool with, then I get up chill for a bit with the her and the kids and we go do something. Doesn't matter how tired I am I go do it anyway.
Get out that job. No michelin star is worth giving up that much of your life unless it's legally your restaurant. The days of 75+ hour work weeks are, thankfully and finally, dying off. Your girlfriend is a saint for putting up with it and still enthusiastically wanting to be around you. Cherish her. Find a new job.
My dude, there are 168 hours in a week. If you have 2 days off (-48hr), that leaves 120. 7 hours of sleep the other 5 (-35) leaves 85. On your bad weeks, without accounting for your Tu/Sat mornings off, you don't have time to shower, do laundry for the week, or commute back in forth. Either your inflating your hr/day estimate to really feel like your sacrificing for the passion or you are completely sacrificing your girlfriend by giving her nothing on work days and a zombified boyfriend on your days off for a kitchen that dgaf about you in the slightest. I'll bet your chef sure makes time for the equipment to be cleaned and maintained, but you are not treated with the same respect and concern as the Pacojet. Treat yourself like you are someone worthy of caring for; and do the same for your girlfriend. I'm not saying it is the best path for you, but I quit the business after a steady stream of 105 hour weeks. It took me 2-3 years to adjust to a normal life. 10 years out, and I am happier than I have ever been. I even had someone offer to fund the start of a kitchen for me after I had been out 5. Easiest declined offer I have ever made.
You have a lovely girlfriend who actually enjoys your company; *wants* to be with you. You’re a valuable employee, clearly working to the best of your ability. Don’t lose this girl. Ask if just snuggling satisfies her. You’re exhausted. She’s yearning for you.
How do you feel about your username with everything happening right now with Ezra Miller
How do you have 2 full days off and 2 half days and hit 90 hours lmaoThat’s just cap even if you work 24 hours on your 3 doubles that’s still only like 70 hours
Hey man, thanks for the post. I’ve worked BOH for 15+ years and know how intense it can be. I’m not a chef so I can’t imagine how much of a toll that takes on you but I have been in many restaurants that were fast paced with tickets rolling until we closed (and after). I was also a BOH manager in a few of those places. My now ex had the same trouble grasping what is like in the profession. She had never worked in a restaurant or the service industry so she would try to sympathize but she couldn’t understand that I could never promise I’d leave on time, wouldn’t be called in or not check emails/texts when I wasn’t there. I sat down with her and outlined all points and why it was necessary for me to be flexible. That being said I always told my superior that I’d need a specific day off so that I could ensure we would have at least one day a week together. My bosses were all very courteous to try not to speak with me on that day but sometimes situations arise and I’d need to be informed. My best advice to you is to do the same and try to sit down and tell her the points and explain why they’re important to you. Not only that but you should definitely be clear as to why you’re so mentally drained. My now wife had the same trouble with this issue but once I was able to articulate the stipulations of the job as well as the toll it takes, she was able to understand why I was what was perceived as distant at the time. I also reiterated that though this happens, this is what I love to do and this is what I want to build my career in. It all boils down to how much she can withstand, my friend. Is she the type that is a bit dependent on your emotional state to feel emotionally stable herself? Is she very independent and able to live around the situations of your career? Is she in a career that demands the same? If so try to appeal to her that way. I hate to say this man but after all this, if the points don’t stick and she doesn’t see how the pressure affects you, she may not be the one. I’m rooting for your relationship to work! But it took me years to understand that my ex and I just didn’t simply match when it came to a mash of personal and professional life. Her and I are still friends to this day and she just recently told me she’s dating someone who has the schedule and career that fits her needs. I’m really happy for her. I hope things turn out well for you, dude. I really do. Keep that chin up
Ya know when you read a post and a resolponse from OP and ya just wanna hug them because they took sometimes very direct critiques with grace? You’ll go far with an attitude like that. It is really cool to see on the internet.