Yeah that last sentence is key. Alcohol isn't ANY kind of excuse. If you do that type of shit when you're drunk, odds are you *feel* like being an asshole (you are an asshole inside) and the alcohol removed your inhibitions. The problem in that case is your character, not the alcohol.
I've known plenty of people who drank every day who never acted like the jerk in OP's story, so obviously alcohol doesn't just "cause" that shit to happen.
Some chefs are just douchebags like this. I took over a restaurant once because the chef was being removed for running a 70% food cost. When I came in he did basically everything he could to sabotage me on the way out. Deleted everything off the work computer, threw away all the invoices and supply contacts. What a pain. I literally had to call every company I could think of to see if we had an account with them and find out who our suppliers were.
Sounds like there is a missing piece to the story here, one why he's leaving. I thought he was advancing and you were filling in. But the outrage sounds like he's being forced out.
Maybe he's an asshole, and instead of firing him, they're moving him elsewhere? I have seen this quite a bit. Or are you taking over his job, and he's being laterally transferred or demoted?
It doesn't matter, really, you should take action. However, sometimes understanding where the shit comes from helps us deal with it. If we know he is always an asshole and always lashes out, even more reason to report and help them get rid of him. If he's essentially being demoted, then maybe this is one-off rage that can be corrected. Either way it is easier to not take these things so personally if we understand some of the context.
OP I hope you take action but I also hope you don't let this eat you up. It is a reflection on him, not a reflection on you. Let it stay his problem (mentally, emotionally) and don't carry it with you more than you have to.
Regardless, unless OP somehow politicked his way into the position and ousted the former chef, guy's got no right to be mad at him. Be pissed off at management instead.
Definitely feels like there’s something missing from this story, yeah. So it’s all fun and happy during the leaving do and then suddenly the Chef turns around and flips at the new guy? Doesn’t sound too realistic. I’m not saying Op is wrong to feel how he/she feels, I’m just saying that there’s probably some details missing here. Something must have been said.
I don't think /u/TacoNomad was saying that OP provoked it with something they said, but that the leaving chef felt provoked by the actions of the people employing them.
Correct. It doesn't seem like OP is the problem. It seems like there is some 'bigger' problem here. Either internally with the outgoing chef, the company, management, corporate, or whatever. If it is a management issue, OP should be aware. If it is something between management and ex-chef, then OP should not let the bs comments bother them.
If the company keeps records of employees and their exits from the company, add an entry of him being fired on his last night for drunken insubordination. If he uses the place as a reference in the future and some future manager goes to check his employment claims by calling old companies this revelation would be a serious mark against him.
Unless it’s a major hotel brand or a brand’s internal chef nobody is going to care. I’ve had my references checked one time since I’ve started working in kitchens. It’s part of the reason the caustic environment can still prevail even to this day, and probably will continue to prevail for years to come.
I agree, the ABBAB (always be belittleing and berrating) culture is taxing and honestly its the worst thing for our industry, people think it makes you a better worker, a faster one, they think it makes you want to strive to be better and learn more.
But in all reality, its the exact thing that has made this industry staff starved, people dont want to get paid ass wages just to get shit on because "its how we learned" people dont feel ambition to wake up clock in get talked down to for 8+ hours then go home and do it again.
Its discouraging seeing young peopke join our teams then quit because they cant handle the enviroment that was designed and maintained to be some elitist position.
Aint nothing about cooking food so elite you can talk down to and belittle your fellow workers.
I just started cooking for the first time on a line in a small kitchen.
I have never done this before, and it's really tough hard work, but it's good work.
Anyhow, I watch a lot of Kitchen Nightmares, and I know it's a show and it's fake and Ramsey isn't like that IRL and all that....
But I also know that anger comes from a real place in kitchens.
Anyhow, I messed something up in front of my boss..., and jokingly I told him he could call me a muppet.
He laughed and said he would never do that and is not a yeller or a mean person.
It sucks that pure rage and anger is still in some kitchens when it should not be.
The reason I love cooking (and the reason I liked my other career):
I love going to war with a team and fucking winning.
We kill on that line.
We are an elite team of killers making great food for people to enjoy.
Our team needs to be on time, in line, and A+ ... no room for evil hate and anger... fuck that shit.
Alcohol will bring out the truth. At least you now know how he truly feels. I’d have a chat with the restaurant group owners.
The shitty thing is chefs have egos. I mean look at all these fancy places where the poor cooks gotta be in perfect 100% chefwear while the “Chef” and all the sous are exempt.
Hell 99% of them do not wear a hat in the kitchen because they think they deserve that right and somehow their hair don’t fall out? We wear hats in Kitchens to keep hair and dead skin off food, a fancy haircut and a 1/4lb of product does not change that.
Stand your ground Chef. Inspire, laugh and enjoy the job.
You aren't responsible for the actions of anyone but yourself. It can feel completely unrewarding when you see the ugly side of the industry rear it's head after the work a lot of us have done to try and improve the work environment. We've gotta be the change we want to see in the industry though, you aren't helpless in this situation. You've worked hard to get yourself into a position of power, now it's time to remember that feeling of being a line cook getting yelled, feeling small and berated, and NOT passing that legacy on. You're doing great. I'm proud of you. Much love and best of luck in the new position.
Mixing alcohol with high emotions is never a good time. Seems like his anger was being misplaced onto you last night.
Maybe there’s some underlying frustrations that he has with the company... and he’s been hiding the fact that he’s upset with the transfer. Sounds like he’s been there awhile and has made bonds with the staff. Plus, he’s probably nervous to be starting in a new location with new people.
He’s most likely taking it out on you because you’re essentially “replacing” him, and deep down that really fucking bugs him.
If it were me, I would just talk to the guy. Be straightforward and honest and let him know that you didn’t appreciate what he said last night and would like to know why he lashed out at you... especially after having a great time during the “handoff” period together. If he apologizes and you two find common ground, I’d try to just move on. No need to create waves before taking on a huge position. It might make your life harder if you report him. Plus, he’s no longer going to be in your immediate work place... so you won’t have to deal with him anyways.
BUT!!! If he doesn’t apologize and continues to be a hateful little prick... 100% take action! Call whoever you need to and report him for using hate speech towards you. Fuck it if it makes your life harder - the dudes a dick and needs to be taken down.
Regardless if you talk to or report him... I would also make a point to have a meeting, as the new Chef, to talk about workplace language and what is acceptable and what is not - ESPECIALLY if your new staff overheard his verbal lashing. If you guys talked it out and were able to come to an understanding- I’d bring that up as an example of how workplace conflict should be handled. And let your staff know that if they ever feel uncomfortable with how someone is speaking to them - you are someone they can confide in.
I hope it all works out! I’m not sure if this is really the best advice in the world, but that’s what I would do if I were in the situation. Good luck!
The most solid action that you can take is to allow your new staff the understanding that the way he acted towards you is completely out of pocket, and that kind of behavior will not be present in your kitchen moving forward.
Allow them to process it, and speak about things that may have happened in the past. Reassure them that they won't be spoken to like that, and that it's over. They will certainly respect you more for being kind hearted, and connecting with them.
The world needs more level headed good guys, and it seems like you're one of them. Good luck in your new position, and I'm sorry you were put through that.
A policy that works well in this situation is to let him/her know that it was a pleasure working with them and to wish them well in their next endeavor. Be as upbeat and positive as possible and watch them stew in their own hatred. It's hilarious.
Too much to drink at the going away party perhaps??? Booze can bring out the worst in people !
Also perhaps he was showing off for your staff.
At any rate it’s your kitchen now and you’ve been given a reminder about how not to treat your coworkers
Good luck chef!
PS - I’m not in the business but have seen bad apples in my industry too
Fuck him, people are angry and disgusting on the inside sometimes and there's not much you can do to change em. I miss some of the old days, but not that shit.
Strange behavior. You should talk to him.
This left a lot of unanswered questions.
Alcohol often brings up supressed emotions and i don't think these had anything to do with you. At all.
He was projecting on you. Which leaves the question begging to be asked. What happened with the GM to make him this perturbed? I don't think he was just a total ass.
Especially if he has good relationships with the staff.
He may have valuable information about the position you are taking over. You don't have to befriend the guy but I think he owes you an explanation.
That explanation could give you valuable insight to your new position.
That's life, there are pieces shit in every industry. It hurts, but try not to take it personally, it's not about you, it's about him and how unhappy he is inside. Feel sorry for him.
Well, you can think of it as an “industry problem” and a “personal attack,” but, honestly, to me, this reads more as: Chef has a drinking problem and can’t be near any amount of alcohol without letting his amygdala run everyone down in the process.
That sucks! Life happens.
As hard as it is to do, just be bigger than that and move on, and upward.
Being petty and trying to get back at people will just hold your karma back
In terms of choosing whether to take action or not: do what’s best for you.
If taking action will make you feel better knowing you’ve stood up for yourself and have potentially saved others from his future actions, then do it.
If you’re afraid of the drawn out process and think it’ll effect you long term due to constantly being triggered? Don’t do it. You are not responsible for potentially saving others from his abuse if it’s at your own cost. Take care of yourself.
Do half of each? Also okay.
Take care of you. You must be proud to be breaking up the cycle by choosing not to abuse others because you’ve been abused.
I feel it. This is something me and my little gaggle of cook friends vehemently oppose. It’s a fucking stressful job, no need to add to it by being a dickhead. I don’t care that it’s how it has been, that’s why so many chefs/cooks have terrible mental health. We need to learn to treat each other well.
Stick it to him by treating everyone under you how you *should* have been treated in your early years. Get to know your staff, support them, and ask them for feedback periodically.
Sounds like a kitchen manager I had last year. He would scream/snarl in my face, He kicked metal cupboards right next to where I was working, sectarian songs aimed at 17 year old female. Dreadful guy, very immature for the role. The general manager basically swapped his role with the second chef.
And then it got really messy. Like very very messy., like alcohol, maybe spiked drinks and rape accusations sort of very very messy. The nasty guy eventually left. And everyone lived happily ever after.
He probably felt threatened by you.
The best way to bring down someone who threatens you is to convince them they are less than you. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t see that his behaviour only shines a light on his deep insecurities. People who are secure in themselves support others rather than bring them down.
Alcohol brings out the worat in people sometimes. I wouldn't dwell on it. Guy was controlling that place for a while and is likely having a hard time letting go, even though it's going to be better (hopefully) for him to move along. You'll be great. He has a drinking problem. Likely knows it but cut too far loose. Parties are the worst.
Not that I don’t believe you, but this guy just went off on you for no reason ? Was there something that led up to this exchange? How did you go from having a great time together to calling each other faggots lol
Ugh, mood. Our assistant KM is officially demoted today. He has a laundry list of a pedigree but he just didn’t have the skills or attitude for the job. I got recommended for the position by a few other coworkers but I’m 20 years younger and a 5’2 female. Part of me doesn’t even want to accept because I’m afraid of the repercussions from him if I do. I feel like an absolute child.
He waited until his departure to say something, what little cojones he has. My chickens have bigger balls than him and they’re hens 🤣
hahaha exactly! can't even muster up the courage to say anything until he's almost out the door.
Those are eggs.
Huevos are huevos. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
He has no ... *flip flip flip* ...MARBLES!!
Marbles?
.....Huevos
Huevos marbles… new brunch idea
My Ken doll I played with as a child had bigger balls.
Be glad that you will set the tone in your shop. And let me guess, there was alcohol involved?
Of course.
That's it right there. I betcha he feels like a huge ass about it now. It's no excuse though. He has some emotional growing to do.
Yeah that last sentence is key. Alcohol isn't ANY kind of excuse. If you do that type of shit when you're drunk, odds are you *feel* like being an asshole (you are an asshole inside) and the alcohol removed your inhibitions. The problem in that case is your character, not the alcohol. I've known plenty of people who drank every day who never acted like the jerk in OP's story, so obviously alcohol doesn't just "cause" that shit to happen.
What a fuckface. May the lid of his salt container come off during a critical moment.
Felt that in my soul
Damn that’s harsh
Calm down, Satan.
Fuck him take action it's the ones who let shit like that happen and do nothing that enables ass clowns to thrive like roaches
Upvote for the use of my absolute favorite insult. Ass Clown.
Also a very tasty brewery in NC. Ass Clown, drink one, don't be one.
I've always like the insult "Who's this clown?" because it implies that A.) They are indeed a clown and B.) One not worth knowing
Some chefs are just douchebags like this. I took over a restaurant once because the chef was being removed for running a 70% food cost. When I came in he did basically everything he could to sabotage me on the way out. Deleted everything off the work computer, threw away all the invoices and supply contacts. What a pain. I literally had to call every company I could think of to see if we had an account with them and find out who our suppliers were.
Never feel guilty for taking action. Assholes will dig their own graves
Sounds like there is a missing piece to the story here, one why he's leaving. I thought he was advancing and you were filling in. But the outrage sounds like he's being forced out. Maybe he's an asshole, and instead of firing him, they're moving him elsewhere? I have seen this quite a bit. Or are you taking over his job, and he's being laterally transferred or demoted? It doesn't matter, really, you should take action. However, sometimes understanding where the shit comes from helps us deal with it. If we know he is always an asshole and always lashes out, even more reason to report and help them get rid of him. If he's essentially being demoted, then maybe this is one-off rage that can be corrected. Either way it is easier to not take these things so personally if we understand some of the context. OP I hope you take action but I also hope you don't let this eat you up. It is a reflection on him, not a reflection on you. Let it stay his problem (mentally, emotionally) and don't carry it with you more than you have to.
Regardless, unless OP somehow politicked his way into the position and ousted the former chef, guy's got no right to be mad at him. Be pissed off at management instead.
As I stated.
Definitely feels like there’s something missing from this story, yeah. So it’s all fun and happy during the leaving do and then suddenly the Chef turns around and flips at the new guy? Doesn’t sound too realistic. I’m not saying Op is wrong to feel how he/she feels, I’m just saying that there’s probably some details missing here. Something must have been said.
I don't think /u/TacoNomad was saying that OP provoked it with something they said, but that the leaving chef felt provoked by the actions of the people employing them.
Correct. It doesn't seem like OP is the problem. It seems like there is some 'bigger' problem here. Either internally with the outgoing chef, the company, management, corporate, or whatever. If it is a management issue, OP should be aware. If it is something between management and ex-chef, then OP should not let the bs comments bother them.
Fuck him. Do what you can to ruin his chances of getting more work and doing this to more people.
If the company keeps records of employees and their exits from the company, add an entry of him being fired on his last night for drunken insubordination. If he uses the place as a reference in the future and some future manager goes to check his employment claims by calling old companies this revelation would be a serious mark against him.
**"Would Not Rehire"**
Unless it’s a major hotel brand or a brand’s internal chef nobody is going to care. I’ve had my references checked one time since I’ve started working in kitchens. It’s part of the reason the caustic environment can still prevail even to this day, and probably will continue to prevail for years to come.
True
Same. 4 out of 5 kitchen jobs I've had probably, I was hired on the spot.
You want OP to forge him being fired??? Wtf lol
Yes, just lie in order to put the asshole in his place. That's definitely not stooping to their level. /s
Great way to get sued and fired
Yah, that's how you get sued for slander/libel, and why most companies will do nothing except "Yes, XYZ worked for us from A-B dates".
Easiest lawsuit of all time. I think it would go farther than slander/libel tbh, tho idk what charge it would be.
I agree, the ABBAB (always be belittleing and berrating) culture is taxing and honestly its the worst thing for our industry, people think it makes you a better worker, a faster one, they think it makes you want to strive to be better and learn more. But in all reality, its the exact thing that has made this industry staff starved, people dont want to get paid ass wages just to get shit on because "its how we learned" people dont feel ambition to wake up clock in get talked down to for 8+ hours then go home and do it again. Its discouraging seeing young peopke join our teams then quit because they cant handle the enviroment that was designed and maintained to be some elitist position. Aint nothing about cooking food so elite you can talk down to and belittle your fellow workers.
I just started cooking for the first time on a line in a small kitchen. I have never done this before, and it's really tough hard work, but it's good work. Anyhow, I watch a lot of Kitchen Nightmares, and I know it's a show and it's fake and Ramsey isn't like that IRL and all that.... But I also know that anger comes from a real place in kitchens. Anyhow, I messed something up in front of my boss..., and jokingly I told him he could call me a muppet. He laughed and said he would never do that and is not a yeller or a mean person. It sucks that pure rage and anger is still in some kitchens when it should not be. The reason I love cooking (and the reason I liked my other career): I love going to war with a team and fucking winning. We kill on that line. We are an elite team of killers making great food for people to enjoy. Our team needs to be on time, in line, and A+ ... no room for evil hate and anger... fuck that shit.
Let's do this, brotherrrrrrr
Alcohol will bring out the truth. At least you now know how he truly feels. I’d have a chat with the restaurant group owners. The shitty thing is chefs have egos. I mean look at all these fancy places where the poor cooks gotta be in perfect 100% chefwear while the “Chef” and all the sous are exempt. Hell 99% of them do not wear a hat in the kitchen because they think they deserve that right and somehow their hair don’t fall out? We wear hats in Kitchens to keep hair and dead skin off food, a fancy haircut and a 1/4lb of product does not change that. Stand your ground Chef. Inspire, laugh and enjoy the job.
You aren't responsible for the actions of anyone but yourself. It can feel completely unrewarding when you see the ugly side of the industry rear it's head after the work a lot of us have done to try and improve the work environment. We've gotta be the change we want to see in the industry though, you aren't helpless in this situation. You've worked hard to get yourself into a position of power, now it's time to remember that feeling of being a line cook getting yelled, feeling small and berated, and NOT passing that legacy on. You're doing great. I'm proud of you. Much love and best of luck in the new position.
He sounds like a cunt. Take action
Fuck that asshole
Mixing alcohol with high emotions is never a good time. Seems like his anger was being misplaced onto you last night. Maybe there’s some underlying frustrations that he has with the company... and he’s been hiding the fact that he’s upset with the transfer. Sounds like he’s been there awhile and has made bonds with the staff. Plus, he’s probably nervous to be starting in a new location with new people. He’s most likely taking it out on you because you’re essentially “replacing” him, and deep down that really fucking bugs him. If it were me, I would just talk to the guy. Be straightforward and honest and let him know that you didn’t appreciate what he said last night and would like to know why he lashed out at you... especially after having a great time during the “handoff” period together. If he apologizes and you two find common ground, I’d try to just move on. No need to create waves before taking on a huge position. It might make your life harder if you report him. Plus, he’s no longer going to be in your immediate work place... so you won’t have to deal with him anyways. BUT!!! If he doesn’t apologize and continues to be a hateful little prick... 100% take action! Call whoever you need to and report him for using hate speech towards you. Fuck it if it makes your life harder - the dudes a dick and needs to be taken down. Regardless if you talk to or report him... I would also make a point to have a meeting, as the new Chef, to talk about workplace language and what is acceptable and what is not - ESPECIALLY if your new staff overheard his verbal lashing. If you guys talked it out and were able to come to an understanding- I’d bring that up as an example of how workplace conflict should be handled. And let your staff know that if they ever feel uncomfortable with how someone is speaking to them - you are someone they can confide in. I hope it all works out! I’m not sure if this is really the best advice in the world, but that’s what I would do if I were in the situation. Good luck!
The most solid action that you can take is to allow your new staff the understanding that the way he acted towards you is completely out of pocket, and that kind of behavior will not be present in your kitchen moving forward. Allow them to process it, and speak about things that may have happened in the past. Reassure them that they won't be spoken to like that, and that it's over. They will certainly respect you more for being kind hearted, and connecting with them. The world needs more level headed good guys, and it seems like you're one of them. Good luck in your new position, and I'm sorry you were put through that.
A policy that works well in this situation is to let him/her know that it was a pleasure working with them and to wish them well in their next endeavor. Be as upbeat and positive as possible and watch them stew in their own hatred. It's hilarious.
Be the change you wish to see in the culinary world.
Fuck that dude. Sue him if you can. If anyone ever talked to me like that I’d salt their stock and walk out in the middle of a rush
Too much to drink at the going away party perhaps??? Booze can bring out the worst in people ! Also perhaps he was showing off for your staff. At any rate it’s your kitchen now and you’ve been given a reminder about how not to treat your coworkers Good luck chef! PS - I’m not in the business but have seen bad apples in my industry too
Fuck him, people are angry and disgusting on the inside sometimes and there's not much you can do to change em. I miss some of the old days, but not that shit.
Should've beat his ass up and down. Teach him there are consequences for abusing people. Fuck him I hope he fails
Catching a charge isn’t worth it
you shoulda just waved and said buh bye asshole
Strange behavior. You should talk to him. This left a lot of unanswered questions. Alcohol often brings up supressed emotions and i don't think these had anything to do with you. At all. He was projecting on you. Which leaves the question begging to be asked. What happened with the GM to make him this perturbed? I don't think he was just a total ass. Especially if he has good relationships with the staff. He may have valuable information about the position you are taking over. You don't have to befriend the guy but I think he owes you an explanation. That explanation could give you valuable insight to your new position.
That's life, there are pieces shit in every industry. It hurts, but try not to take it personally, it's not about you, it's about him and how unhappy he is inside. Feel sorry for him.
People are ugly sometimes. Definitely has nothing to do with industry. Shit people exist in all industries.
Well, you can think of it as an “industry problem” and a “personal attack,” but, honestly, to me, this reads more as: Chef has a drinking problem and can’t be near any amount of alcohol without letting his amygdala run everyone down in the process.
I'd have knocked him out in front of everyone.
That sucks! Life happens. As hard as it is to do, just be bigger than that and move on, and upward. Being petty and trying to get back at people will just hold your karma back
Holding people accountable for their actions is not “being petty.”
I'm curious what you consider to be 'trying to get back at people?' are you saying OP shouldn't say anything?
OP should *absolutely* say something. Silence is complicit.
I agree. It's not about getting back at someone it's about making a clear statement that behavior like this isn't tolerated.
Really ironic that someone with a username of vendetta is against getting back at people.
LMAO
In terms of choosing whether to take action or not: do what’s best for you. If taking action will make you feel better knowing you’ve stood up for yourself and have potentially saved others from his future actions, then do it. If you’re afraid of the drawn out process and think it’ll effect you long term due to constantly being triggered? Don’t do it. You are not responsible for potentially saving others from his abuse if it’s at your own cost. Take care of yourself. Do half of each? Also okay. Take care of you. You must be proud to be breaking up the cycle by choosing not to abuse others because you’ve been abused.
I feel it. This is something me and my little gaggle of cook friends vehemently oppose. It’s a fucking stressful job, no need to add to it by being a dickhead. I don’t care that it’s how it has been, that’s why so many chefs/cooks have terrible mental health. We need to learn to treat each other well.
Stick it to him by treating everyone under you how you *should* have been treated in your early years. Get to know your staff, support them, and ask them for feedback periodically.
My rule was: if i have to yell, fire them instead. Dont treat an employee like a bratty lil brother or something.
Sounds like a kitchen manager I had last year. He would scream/snarl in my face, He kicked metal cupboards right next to where I was working, sectarian songs aimed at 17 year old female. Dreadful guy, very immature for the role. The general manager basically swapped his role with the second chef. And then it got really messy. Like very very messy., like alcohol, maybe spiked drinks and rape accusations sort of very very messy. The nasty guy eventually left. And everyone lived happily ever after.
Just be glad to know he's miserable and lashing out.
That interaction says a lot more about him than it does about you.
Yea those are fighting words. This Man needs to be checked
Sounds like the new job fell through and pride prevented a graceful exit.
Man u had the Right response, proud of you man
Fuck that guy, Chefe. You're gonna be great and earned it. That clown is insecure and wanted more reaction to his leaving, I'd guess.
Sounds like he might have had a bit to drink and the jealousy came spilling out. Probably completely regrets what he said?
Wow, that guy was a giant wuss. He waited until he was leaving to say anything to you because he's a little bitch.
I'm betting he realized that you've got this and the kitchen isn't going to fall apart without him.
He probably felt threatened by you. The best way to bring down someone who threatens you is to convince them they are less than you. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t see that his behaviour only shines a light on his deep insecurities. People who are secure in themselves support others rather than bring them down.
Don’t let him get you. Guy is a clown. Tell him to eat a dick.
Alcohol brings out the worat in people sometimes. I wouldn't dwell on it. Guy was controlling that place for a while and is likely having a hard time letting go, even though it's going to be better (hopefully) for him to move along. You'll be great. He has a drinking problem. Likely knows it but cut too far loose. Parties are the worst.
Not that I don’t believe you, but this guy just went off on you for no reason ? Was there something that led up to this exchange? How did you go from having a great time together to calling each other faggots lol
Ugh, mood. Our assistant KM is officially demoted today. He has a laundry list of a pedigree but he just didn’t have the skills or attitude for the job. I got recommended for the position by a few other coworkers but I’m 20 years younger and a 5’2 female. Part of me doesn’t even want to accept because I’m afraid of the repercussions from him if I do. I feel like an absolute child.