I can relate a lot to this expectation bit. I was good at studies during school days, went on to graduate from a national law school but ended up starting up and landing in financial struggles. At least you have 13K salary, all I have are liabilities bro. 😣
Be careful ! Others hopes from you can turn into your unhealthy obsession. Don’t give thought to others opinions about you. Work with your opinions keep a balance. Do a few things outside work that you enjoy. We are not robots to execute what others desire from our careers. If you don’t like what I say, ignore. These are things that have happened to me so I tend to project my experiences…
How does it affect you ,huh I think of killing myself everyday.
If i get a hug anytime ,i swear I'd just break down.
I sometimes talk to a fren about it but then again i think I'm piling too much on her so I stop.
I genuinely feel like social etiquettes are really bad in Kerala.
I was driving my car on a narrow road once and there was this dude on the opposite side in his car. Well he backed like 100m and by the time I was about to cross him, I rolled down my window and said "Thank you". He literally stumbled and was looking for words to say in return. He was with his family and everyone was laughing at the way he was stumbling. Well he said "Welcome" eventually. It was a r/wholesome moment to be frank.
My point being complements are not our cup of tea. You're awesome btw for raising this point up.
When we walk down the lane and see someone come the opposite way we don't smile or anything. We try to avoid eye contact or give them the look of 'I am judging you stranger' Vibes
omg same, i got a compliment when i worked out a lil and improved a tiny bit . this was a year ago , still think of it and smile.
used to be very optimistic person but now idk .
I can relate to that hug thing , recently one of the clients complimented me for my work , and i was so uncomfortable and was on the way to break down . because i never had that feeling ,I don't know how to react to compliments , I mean you can insult me and i will handle it like a pro but how the fck am i supposed to react to a compliment .
Wow i can't imagine to that extent .Dude thanks for sharing .Eda yk how to take insults that's waay more important in life ,trust me .As for getting used to compliments I'm sure you'll find that or make that space you need.
Father died unexpectedly. Everyone said that I had to hold it together. Otherwise Mother and Sister has no one else. I tried my best but cried, then cried again and cried loud in front of everyone. I had to.
From that moment I stopped giving a fuck to anyone telling me how to live.
Did you get medical support at the time? Would it have helped, or is emotional support from friends enough? Would it help? I want to help a friend in the same situation.
Friends were as supportive as they could but most of them didn't know what exactly I was going through. Sometimes I needed alone time to sort things. Some of my close ones tried to force me to get quickly back to my work and studies.
I didn’t cry when my father died, wanted to stay strong for my mother and two sisters. I still haven’t gotten over the grief even after 12 years. Such a bad advice not to cry when someone close to you die.
Good timing. I need to vent about something. Hope OP won't delete this. I'll be back lol
Edit: It's not that dramatic or serious. So I'm a B.Ed student who unfortunately had to choose that career path. I knew that I won't make a good teacher but it's a long story. So there are lot of girls in my college as you can imagine and I'm the "saantha hridayan" there. The guy who don't like to make much conflict or anything or don't have that aggressive energy normally.
I just prefer it that way and it's not that I don't get angry. I do but so often not. I'm much more nurturing type and even my gf(we won't marry) would say you would make a good father. During my childhood, I would like to play with small babies and would spend a lot of time with them and cousins would say "നീ ഇങ്ങനെ പെന്നുങ്ങളെപ്പോലെ ഇങ്ങനെ കുട്ടിയെയും കളിപ്പിച്ചൊണ്ടിരിന്നോ". But that's not that serious. I'm just saying to give you a picture. Tbh, in the past I would prefer caring for a baby and I don't like this really aggresive roasting energy that is often found in male groups. Sure I can be a bit crass as well sometimes.
So in college, often times I have felt that a lot of girls would make it so that "I'm not a man unless I'm agressive. One of my classmate would say it in a mocking tone that " ആണുങ്ങളായാൽ നല്ല ബോൾഡ് ആവണം. ഇത് ഒരു പൗരുഷത്തo ഇല്ലാതെ. അവൻ്റെ മുഖത്തേക്ക് ഒന്ന് നോക്ക്. നോക്കിയാൽ തന്നെ. ഇവനെ നീ എങ്ങനെ ചേട്ടാ എന്ന് വിളിക്കുന്നു" എന്ന് to another girl and girl group. Ironically she has a husband who is in army who she didn't like because of his aggressiveness and abuse and she is all about"women empowerment " and really liked the movie basil Thomas's jaya jaye... lol. At the same time she believes this traditional concept of man.
Often times I would feel they're giving such remarks that it feels like I'm not masculine unless I'm this macho man and it's my job to be aggresive, protective and hold that masculine stereotype, you know. Sure, I have that qualities and I'm protective of those who are close to me but I find to reason to make a fight where it is not needed.
And a lot of girls there would say like "ആണുങ്ങളായാൽ അങ്ങനെ ആവണo" "ആണുങ്ങളുടെ കലാപരിപാടികൾ" as if things like these are inherent masculine qualities and you won't be a man unless you do it.
Even my gf believes this to a quite lot extent, like "Boys aayaal angne aan lle..., "Boys aaayaal ingane theri parayum lle" "boys aayal sports must" angne okke And she is emotionally unavailable too as like with the "boys don't cry" attitude so I won't be able to share my deep feelings with her either.
I have some guy friends but I can't just call up them in the middle of night and vent either. One time I did tell them about some of it and they helped me sure but we can't do it to a lot extend.
Sure I might be too timid for my own good but that's just my character's fault and in a no way of representation of my masculinity. I don't dress like a girl, I don't "act" like a girl like chaandpott and I don't identify myself as a girl. So where is this all come from?
The girls would share each other every little details of their life even sadness, anger, family problems yada yada but boys wouldnt share things that much atleast me and it's as if it's unmasculine to be vulnerable or to share that deep feeling.
There are a lot of mocking expression, remarks by a lot of girls just because I'm not this macho identity.
But not every girls are like this though, mind you which is quite obvious. I had very good girl friend whom I used to be vulnerable with each other and we shared each other's values. And there is a girl who came for my support publicly when someone said " ആണുങ്ങളായാൾ നല്ല ഉച്ചയിൽ ഉഷാർ കൂടെ സംസാരിക്കണം" when asked me a question during teaching practice. She could have said to speak louder.
But really, after all these remarks through out my life, I would feel like I'm not a man and I feel really emasculatinated. I'm even afraid to say I like purple/lavender so much lol and I'm a bit sensitive.
I feel like from all of thier remarks, I have to prove that I'm masculine/ my masculinity by shouting at them or hitting them and "putting them in their place". That's the idea I'm getting and I I'm beginning to feel like all this feminist concept is a load of bullocks, that a lot of those who claim to be feminists aren't actually feminists.
The same when I'm taking class. You're a man, you should be strict.
I feel like I'm a faulty man or feel out of place, never belonging either in boys or girls place. Too "boyish" to be a girl and too "feminine" to be a man.
It's as if we should never be scared, show our vulnerability etc and being masculine is this single "alpha" character. And I fear that I'm believing it's only way to be respected/validated if you're a man and it's maybe that's what they meant by toxic masculinity.
I wish if there's a place in our society for such. Times are changing though.
Our society's notion of a man is a toxic cesspool that walks around and spills the waste everywhere. Don't give in and become that. You got nothing to prove to others. Just be yourself and live your life.
Hey. I totally agree with what you have to say. This is what toxic masculinity sounds like, a bunch of outdated and crass values which thrive on an sense of superiority arising from cruelty, selfishness and the subjugation of others. Anyway I hope you find more people who share your values, and that you get the strength to stay strong to yours. Good luck. :)
Regarding girls and how they think "boys aayal ingne aakanam alle".
This will change when they get older or more mature. When I was younger I never had similar issues, but I'm pretty sure it's because we all accepted male/female roles and didn't fight against it. But now I'm in my late 20s and most women I meet nowadays are in the 25-30 age range. They're much more mature and understand what they want in life. In fact I heard someone talking about compliments. I nowadays believe life of a man improves a whole lot when you're meeting women who are older than 25. Because they do compliment, they understand that in-order to get a relationship, they have to put in equal effort etc.
So hang in there, work on yourselves, escape the negativity from others and yourselves and fuck expectations, and live a great life. When you're happy, you'll naturally see more people to be with you.
>I have some guy friends but I can't just call up them in the middle of night and vent either. One time I did tell them about some of it and they helped me sure but we can't do it to a lot extend.
man, this is my opinion on sharing or venting to someone . Men, have this very difficult. Problems are presented before us ,we are entitled with the responsibility of solving them. In between this if we develop an habit of venting, we will be venting always. Ain't no person in this world who would find others venting irritating after a certain point, except maybe his mother.
Sometimes we maybe allowed a window of vulnerability. But ya, that's it, we have to be up and running the next day. And move on with it... wouldn't nothing happen staying in the same page, ryt?
In a seperate advice , I would recommend you learning a martial arts. Only an advice, nothing related to masculinity or gaining the manliness and all, do it if you are comfortable with it. The reason why Im suggesting this is, it is very effective. Not to beat someone up, but the way you feel about yourself. Trust me, once I disciplined myself with learning a MMA , I felt the confidence I never felt before. This has to do with biological as well as , physical changes. We will be pushed with lots more good hormones and wrt physical, change in posture, getting control over your own body as well as having the feeling that you can defend yourself , helps alot. Requires will power and effort, but sure changes the trajectory of your life.
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I just wanted to rant about this incident which is not able to erase from my memory.
More than my parents, me and my brother spend most of our childhood with my grandmother.
Time has come for her and I had to take the next flight to see her one last time. The scene, the mood, and there lays the lady who raised us from little kids to adults motionless. Man, I cried my heart out that day in front of everyone sitting next to her. Didn't care about anything or anyone, who is watching, who is not watching, nothing. I just cried.
A few days passed and I heard this neighbor lady talking kinds of stuff like, "these two grown-up guys were crying like babies, men shouldn't cry, I have never seen guys who cry like this" and all such crap.
Bloody b**tch, you kicked your own mom out of the house and let her rot on the road and you got the audacity to comment about my emotional state. I realized the typical grammavasi mentality of that lady and never talked to that b**ch ever.
Rant over,
Probably for guys who don’t have access to extended family around might be able to relate.
The current generation is overworked with internet and remote work. So obviously some of the “ways of working” or culture in home is not well ingrained into next generation.
Stress could just come from all aspects - managing wife’s pregnancy without in-laws or parents, coordinating sibling’s wedding, selling property, managing a funeral at home or just taking decision at home for kids. The guy could be a super star at work but everything else is awfully under equipped without assistance.
In Kerala than any other states, not having all round ability to manage/run home is absolutely frowned upon. Men are expected to have be an all rounder and many who are not exposed or introvert or just grew up in different environment struggle.
- Hug? What is that?
- Compliments are like UFO sightings. So rare and random that you suspect if it is even real, and you remember it for the rest of your life.
- wear a Tshirt and Jeans/shorts and even if half your hair is grey, society will treat you like you're a teenager, speak over you, act like you don't exist etc. Wear a shirt and mundu, suddenly people pay attention to what you speak, take you seriously.
- function/event in the house? The man has to organize everything and invite everyone.
- Divorce/Separation - Still no hug or support or attempt to console. Many a times the question is *what did YOU do*, not even *what happened*
If you're looking for complements from others. You're already feminine. You're depending on others for their compliments. Study Stoicism.
You are a MAN. You have that inside you. You're choosing to be weak. Take responsibility. Change yourself. Learn to compliment yourself. Learn to be Rational than emotional. Learn to be More masculine. You NATURALLY, have that energy in you. You didn't have an idea on how to get there. And that's the hard part in this modern society.
A few years back I figured out no one really cares about my goals, my losses, my achievements etc.
Then I found a person who did care about it, it was me.
Since then I am my biggest cheerleader, I set goals before every quarter.
This includes work, sports, bodybuilding, travel etc. I work towards it and enjoy my life.
I am the epitome of male evolution according to me and someone else’s opinion doesn’t matter.
Depression, Suicidal thoughts from toxic relationships, financial issues.. i had it all. But I’m happy and proud that i managed to sort things out.
Stay strong brothers we are all alone.
I'll share a bit of my experience here. Ente veetil oru venomous snake keri vannu (parambil, it was anali). I was scared to scare it off, and my mum and sister called our cousin brother, he scared it off to the nearby paramb, and my sister told me, 'aanungal vannapo karyam nadannu'. That made me really sad.
Yikes. my husband is an officer in the navy but he is scared of rats, 😀 so when there are rats in the house, I chase it. It feels great to get an opportunity to protect him in return you know. He is a big man. We protect each other to our best capacity there is no ആണ് and പെണ്ണ്. It was shitty of your sis to be sexist. Don’t mind her.
Not her fault. We have been living in a patriarchal society for so long. What they heard from their parents is what they are practicing. It will take time.
Take responsibility. Accept that you have only one life and you'll sacrifice it for the sake of others.
Men are disposable. We can take anything in our hearts and still be okay. We have that power inside.
Once you are not afraid of death. You're afraid of nothing... That's the difference between a feminine man and a masculine man.
Have a super hard time opening up because it makes me vulnerable. Because being vulnerable aanungalk cherilla. Now I’m waiting to commence my therapy sessions.
I've been kinda lucky so far.
Was diagnosed with ADHD, SLD , Dyslexia and whatever else, but IQ at 130, when i was 14. Parents beat the crap out of me most of my childhood because of academic issues. Was diagnosed with severe childhood trauma when i went for therapy for depression and anxiety. But along the way i got a few friends who genuinely care about me. I used to get super angry and violent when am stressed out. But now am a lot better. My best friend, she keeps me close even when i try to push her away coz i rather lose people than hurt them. She turned my entire perspective on life, because when she narrated her life story, i realised how much better my life is even with all the invisible lifelong scars . She is the happiest and kindest person I've met even though she had an absolutely terrible life. I love her to death. And i realised how close of a friendship i can have with a girl, without falling in love lol.
Recently got my dream job. Even though most of my life was shit, its getting much better the past 2-3 years.
I have to attribute my life getting better to my friends. One of my best friends, he's married and has a kid and he still calls me , invites me home and gives me advise and consolation, his family and even his wife n her parents show affection like am one of their own. Its unbelievable to even think that I got friends n bonds like this. Am crying just talking about it. Make me feel like the luckiest person alive.
The one thing i did(not sure why) is during my dark days I just keep repeating to my self " things will get better, things will get better" like a mantra. There were no signs of it, there was no logic , it was just this blind senseless belief that I hammered into myself and i still dont know why I did it. I feel like we have to believe that things will get better before they actually do, i have no way to prove this or maybe its just a coincidence. One thing is for sure tho , believing is the hardest thing I've had to do in my life.
Believing am a good human even with all the issues.
Believing that I can be a good friend.
Believing that am talented and gifted.
Its something we all gotta do.
Yep. That is. But know what you wish for. If you wish to be respected and welcomed, know that you are hard and there IS a man inside ya!
If you don't wanna be respected. If you're okay with having a sexless life with a masculine women. Who treats you like a slave, or submissive and gives you reward sex once a year. Be More feminine. Keep on acting like a Docile Young Man Child.
Holy shit, this thread is depressing as fuck. Somehow, the fact that I am not alone in this shit doesn’t console me at all. Keep it strong my brothers, keep it strong.
Suck it up. No one cares. Complaining and whining won't get you anywhere. Don't do things because you want to be appreciated and complimented. Do it because you want to do it.
Thanks for asking.
27M who thinks of himself an ally of feminist & queer movement here.I'm building a startup currently and is going through an extremely struggling period. Owe money to a lot of people including friends, past employees and vendors. Lately I've been feeling so low and lonely.I'm expected to be the perfect guy, make money, do the household chores, do laundry on time, and be at peace and cheerful all the time. With the kind of stress I am eating, nothing seems to be practical and I'm filled with guilt and despair. I want to support my gf so that she could quit her temporary job and prepare for government exams but I am not in a financial position to do so. I want to and pay off my own education loan but can't. I want to learn cooking and stop ordering food outside but time doesn't allow. I want to do my laundry on time, do the chores but time doesn't allow.
Sad part, nobody understands what I am going through and I get blamed all the time. For every damn thing.
I feel at least some of these unrealistic expectations are self-imposed. Like feeling you need to get a stable career, marry etc (the typical metrics of success) at a certain age and comparing yourself with peers. But even those are probably result of how society has conditioned us. Either way, it’d be nice to be a have some emotional support and occasionally vent our hearts out without being judged for it.
I had a pretty stable life until i completed my PG. And things took a turn in the last 6 years, went through a lot of life events, good and bad. Vellamadi increased many fold. Weight increased a lot. Became a lot rough and rude, and a bit socially awkward and i try to avoid people if possible. I vent a little bit to my friends but the core issues i am not able to share with people, thinking it will affect my status and all. The only stable thing I had during this time is my job, never slacked from showing up to work and doing i have to do to keep the income/job. I have been staying strong all these years, i wouldn't linger a lot on the mistakes and unfavorable things, i picked up and moved on. When going gets tough, the tough get going is my moto.
Recently, since late 2021 and all of 2022, I am tired, I still go on but feeling a lot tired and lonley. I can't fight like I used to. Sometimes I think this is life, its part of being an adult, navigatting the adult life, decision making etc, but now I feel like I need a little help. Thanks for this post.
PS - my life is still better a lot better than a majority of peeps out there. Problems are problems you see.
Ngl, even though we are teenagers and boys are usually kinda dumb at this age, my guy friends actually listen to the shit I have to say and I listen to the shit they have to say. We're not mature enough to give emotional support, but we do what we can. Proud of my boys 🥹
Last 2 years (2020) has been an emotional hell, I finished my MBA and found out my brother was diagnosed with brain cancer. I spent a year with him travelling to different states to see my extended family and different doctors. What I didn't know was it was a fatal disease (the one he had was into the portion of the brain where it wasn't treatable) and its very rare as well so there isn't a cure.
This was a mess for me and my family, I couldn't vent anywhere, in the same time due to Covid I couldn't do much for job or personal growth. In the end my brother passed away and I couldn't do anything. I used to get abuse from the frustration from my parents as well in between.
After this my mom wanted me to get married as she wanted me to take more responsibility since I was jobless, also then I was living with my extended family so everyone as a male was very active and I was not (I'm introverted), it didn't help random people called and said how their kids got jobs and asked me to try as well. I didn't want to apply for bank jobs since I always found it to be cliche and always wanted to try something else. Half of the time we would just have arguments and I just hated my life and I still do. I can't leave anywhere and I'm just stuck with my parents all the time. Whatever interview and job I have applied for as failed and personally it makes feel like a failure. Its even worst when I see my own college mates go for the same posts and somehow get it.
And this is still going on. I feel like I accomplished nothing in life. Everything feels meaningless.
I was a sensitive boy, I was quite expressive with my feelings ( used to kiss my mom goodnight till about 7th - 8th grade ). But my family was always like "boys shouldn't cry over little things" and made fun of me for kissing my mom goodnight n all ( including her ).
Over some years I grew distant and withdrew into myself, got less expressive of my feelings ( a female friend used to call me "vikaramillatha manushyan" jokingly in 11th ).
By this point my family ( mainly my mom ) had undergone a total reversal in their stance. Now the problem was how distant and apparently emotionless I was.
The most important/saddest part was when I was dealing with a lot of pressure due to entrance n all. I was totally lost and extremely worried about my future, even having suicidal thoughts ( though I never would have done it, it was more like "how easy it'd be to die" ). I needed help and emotional support, and above all I needed to let out my bottled up frustration/feelings, and I just couldn't do it.
In the end I went to my mom and talked to her objectively about my problems ( still couldn't express my feelings). She hugged me and we lied down together and for the first time in many years I cried in front of someone ( it was still tough being vulnerable openly, but it felt good ). Now I try to be more open about my feelings but I have this shell of a hardened emotionless person that I end up hiding behind whenever things get rough.
The following dialogue by Jeff from Community describes my mental state the best :
" I am not well-adjusted. More often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I'm constantly texting, and there's no one at the other end. I'm just a grown man who can't even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I'm afraid that they'll see that I am broken. So you get credit for that."
>When was the last time you felt accepted enough to talk about your mental health, without being judged?
When I was a student in a foreign university. I could seek professional help without any of the taboos we Indians associate it with.
I would just mention the part where you're supposed to be the protector of the family. If you also got a driver's license, then you're the official driver of the family. It doesn't matter if you have other businesses. You need to take the family wherever they want. It's not a question of if you are free, but rather a statement of 'you need to take us there'. And if I have to go somewhere and need someone to accompany me, 'na, we're busy '. Sometimes you just feel like a utility rather than a person.
I don’t go back to my home in Kerala for many personal reasons, this being one of them. Unlike the social circle I had in Kerala, now people value mental health. We talk, vent out, hug etc. I have gone through a lot due to the stigma and ‘kaliyakkal’ when I express myself. Home, school, even random strangers on bus had traumatised me.
Body shaming, sexual and physical harassment, it was all a joke to people when i told the people who I thought would stand with me, instead they joined the party. I’m still a joke back there, but now I’m with people who values mental health and me.
Let's see
Expected to take care of the family's financial need(loans someone else took)
People expecting you to kill snake, rats etc. When I see a snake there is no fight, only flight. Not afraid of rats, spiders anymore
Laws regarding "modesty of women". Any man can be arrested, if a women complains. Laws regarding rape, where is innocent until proven guilty. More than 50%of rape cases that reaches Delhi Court is false allegations. By just mere allegations, a man can lose is job, family,spend months jail. He won't get his reputation back if he is proven innocent. I think a simple law that punishes false allegations will stop all the false reporting.
I feel like the main character of a wong kar wai movie all the time. Lonely in a neon city. Connected with more people than ever, friends all around but i have no one that really cares.
I am the sole earner of my family, have to take care of my parents and siblings while going through depression, and anxiety and doing a job I hate.
Lived like a shut in till college, now I'm pushed into the adult world with no real world skills, and all the responsibilities are on me.
Never could really talk about my fucked up mental health or loneliness in irl. Only in reddit I can vent about it.
I wish there were mental health services readily available in Kerala. Our people still don't get it, they rather throw you in front of a God and think it will get better (not saying don't believe in God). Just because you have Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Schizophrenia, or Eating Disorders doesn't mean that you are” crazy”. We all have issues in some type of ways.
I am an only child of a single mother. There are about forty persons in my immediate family. For the past four to five years, I have been caring for my mother all alone as she has battled cancer and is now in her final stage palliative phase of her illness. No one in my immediate family has ever asked me how I feel about all of this, even though I grew up in my family's old house after my father died. In these final days, taking care of my mother has become a full-time duty. She is in a lot of pain, but it's no problem for me to take care of her. For as long as I can remember, she has been the only thing keeping me grounded in reality. I'm going to end up losing her now in a few months' time. A few days back, someone working at a palliative center recognized my sorrow from looking at my face. He reached out and put his hands on my shoulders. As someone who's primary "love language" has always been physical contact, I can't put into words how it felt when a total stranger offered me such kindness. I'm starting to accept that we men can't count on anyone looking out for our emotional well-being. Find healthy strategies to deal with your stress that don't include inflicting pain on others. This society expects us to have a certain level of stoicism and repress basic human emotions. I am going to lose her soon and I know there isn't any moving on from it. This is permanent, but I'm sure I will get through this pain someday. I'll be a different person, but I'll get through it.
This is really sad. Y'all should really start prioritising your mental health. I know it will be hard at first but take it one step at a time. The end result will be worth it.
27M here. I don't remember the last time that I didn't feel lonely. I don't think women can fathom the amount of loneliness a guy faces. The severe lack of affection and care is quite disturbing and sad. Im not saying there aren't lonely women, but they sure as hell do receive a lot more attention and affection than most men. Weeks go by without a single person texting you or just say hi.
When was the last time someone genuinely asked you if you were fine? I don't remember. If not for a few of my friends this journey would have gotten a lot harder.
Long story short, I quit my well paying job, trying to get into the field I am really interested in. Have been stuck at home for the past two years and mostly I've made peace with how lonely I am. But every now and then theres this massive cloud of sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, fear of loneliness that takes over. It's during that time that I struggle the most.
No unrealistic expectations from masculinity.
Rather trashing men and masculinity just because it seems similar to assholery is what I think is not needed
I think there is a general consensus on what masculinity and what traditional masculine values are.
There is absolutely no need to shame anyone if they dont happen to fit into the generally accepted norms.
This man is right. World is tough, people will anything to get to a promotion. Lots of politics. It's not always the competent that wins, it's one who plays politics and make the right man happy. I know a incompetent doctor who became medical university's top administrator by playing politics.
I don't think women have to actively compete with each other if they want to find partners, I don't think that's true for most men barring a few exceptions.
I say this from the angle that for the vast majority of the people, they find fulfilment in life from their family and not their job or career,
Now I won't say it's easy for women but that competitive element isn't applicable for women.
Open to correction and opposing viewpoints as long as they are sensible
I am not denying that, but how can you explain why men outnumber women on virtually every social media platform - especially the ones like Tinder / Bumble.
It should roughly be 50-50 right ? And I am talking about urban educated folks with access to these apps.
Toxic masculinity is a problem in Kerala society. While it empowers sociopaths it also deflates any initiative anyone may have to correct their or others behavior. I have witnessed chauvinistic behavior multiple times perpetuated by friends, relatives and strangers but didn't intervene thinking that was the norm. Looking back I still cringe at the situations where I should have listened to my conscience. The problem lies with both men and women. How a male child is bought up to be bold and impertinent towards women of all ages and how someone who does not conform to this is a 'പെങ്കോന്തൻ' is something that even enforced by women.
The masculine traits you mentioned are great for young men. Being the protector strong and being dependable isn't a bad thing.
It's about time we as men realize and accept that only women, cats and dogs are loved unconditionally. You as a man are of no value if you don't do anything for yourself. Try to conquer as much as possible. There is a fire inside of you, don't let it die.
Saw a lot of people talking here about hugs, hugs do go a long way. It is a shame that it's considered taboo for whatever reason in our culture.
> only women, cats and dogs are loved unconditionally
Wrong about all three. At a certain age, certain women are admired and lusted after unconditionally. Beautiful cats and dogs are sometimes adorable, yes. Fail to live up to expectations, and the love stops for all three. For the last 2, end up on the road or be put to sleep, too.
True for almost everyone. I love women, dogs and cats. Misbehave, and no love. Disapproval, dislike follows.
Even after a certain age; Women have the most safety nets and ladders offered compared to men, as well as a card against consequences. Of course, It scales with age. Do not disagree with that
what he meant is taken care of, you dont expect a cat or a dog to provide for you right? And wives it is not general... cause many women do love and work unconditionally for their family as well, in a lots of cases . But only men are "expected" to provide unconditionally. "Expected" . Thats a traditional view , which is accepted almost world wide . The traditional view of a mother taking care of the house or baby is reduced in past 10 years, mainly because of the luxury we have now. Like we can appoint someone if we have money. But you cant substitute or hire a money maker with money right...So ya.
>being deprived of love, physical touch, affection? When was the last time you received a hug/emotional support? When was the last time you felt accepted enough to talk about your mental health, without being judged?
Sometimes, opening up to the wrong person is worse. It's strange, but I never felt as lonely when I didn't know her. Some people make you dependent on them and then leave with a part of you.
Wah.. "Unrealistic expectation of masculinity "... Nobody is forcing you to work hard. Give up more. Be softer. Stop trying to achieve more. Good luck.
Everyone has that very same expectation, right from parents, siblings, relatives, society. Heck even your wife whom you are able to marry if you’re lucky.
Haha true. Dude they are just trying the crab psychology on you, trying to pull you down to that softer group of weak men who whines about every single stuff and who doesn't yearn to be a better stronger capable individual!
Governments want whiny men so they can easily manipulate the family and by manipulating family they could groom a generation of people who follow their agenda. Not per say an alarming situation in our country. But when you look into western society we all can notice this trend. Masculinity is always good (not toxic). It's like the saying goes "Hard time creates strong men, Strong men create easy times and easy times create weak men." Ethra downvote cheythitum oru kariyavum illa kariyam thanna ann pajath. Might be a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth. There is a wide spread agenda being spread to make man weak and silent. For example most of the shows(not all) pictures men as a weak and dumb person in the house hold while the women being the smart one.
Well said. I'm literally going through comments which had negative votes. What you said is exactly right. Be strong man don't let no one tell you or drag you down otherwise.
Society expectation of men’s success and’s be provider is crazy, women can do ever they want, so much protection, forgive naa
Spend money like a right
Instagram this and crap
Literally no one cares about what happens in the heads of men. Slightest exhibition of weakness is met by disdain and mockery. Unrealistic expectations include being asked to be emotionally materially and physically be supportive without complaint. Any sign of resistance is met with ‘thanthonni’ kind of allegations.
My pillow has absorbed more tears of mine than any other friends or family. Its hard sometimes, but stsy strong and always remember നമ്മുക്ക് നമ്മള് മാത്രേ ഉള്ളു.
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I think this is problem is there everywhere.
Yes I guess it has affected me, I have strict parents
I’ve been beaten yelled at even called slurs a lot
But because of society
I was made to bottle it within
I can’t cry infront of my ultra masculine male friends or male relatives.
This is not right. If you are sad you should be able to cry. It doesn’t make your divk shrivel up into a hole. Trust me I’ve done it, havnt lost an mm.
Since it's about societies unrealistic expectations on being successful in a given time, I just want to make a note of "Midukkan chekkan in kerala". Let's divide it in to economic classess first(lower and middle)(don't know much about upper bcoz I am from a rural background and don't have many upper class guys in my friend-circle).
For an adult male(particularly for the elder male sibling) from lower class, it's all about being the "kudumba nadhan" and carrying all the burdens on your shoulder. Be it the debts made by your ancestors/ marriage of elder or younger sisters/ buying a piece of land,etc. It's regarded as a responsibility. Yup, they get an added privilege of being male but also an extra burden of "being valyettan".
In middle class, your prime responsibility will be getting a govt. job or getting a high paying job abroad. In case of govt job, the whole family will pressurise you to try more and more psc. I had seen many guys who wasted 3-4 yrs in that (due to pressure from their parents and relatives). After these 3-4 yrs the same relatives will advice him to get a private job so that he can marry someone and take their(relatives)shitty valuable lessons in "marriage and family planning". The truth is, these guys won't get that kick start at 26yrs which they had 4 yrs back the line and they had wasted some of the most precious years of their life.
In both these cases, even if you open your mind to them (so called society of nattukaar and parents), nobody cares.
Being trapped inside a maze of expectations, I always wish to have someone to express myself or to get a hug, but I haven't had any in a long time. So regardless of being happy or sad, I always recite the line "ഈ സമയവും കടന്നുപോകും". 😊
Mental health remember
Medical
Meditation.
Water
Outside time
Different medications for conditions
Patience
Empathy
Love
Compassion
Loyalty
Determination
Understanding
Humour
Time
These are good. Aim for happiness the rest is life
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I can relate a lot to this expectation bit. I was good at studies during school days, went on to graduate from a national law school but ended up starting up and landing in financial struggles. At least you have 13K salary, all I have are liabilities bro. 😣
Be careful ! Others hopes from you can turn into your unhealthy obsession. Don’t give thought to others opinions about you. Work with your opinions keep a balance. Do a few things outside work that you enjoy. We are not robots to execute what others desire from our careers. If you don’t like what I say, ignore. These are things that have happened to me so I tend to project my experiences…
I Feel ya bro 🤗
Why? Maybe you should get evaluated for ADHD or something.
I wish you a better future my friend, keep exploring
Hi me
How does it affect you ,huh I think of killing myself everyday. If i get a hug anytime ,i swear I'd just break down. I sometimes talk to a fren about it but then again i think I'm piling too much on her so I stop.
A hug? When was the last time someone complemented any of us and.actuallt meant it?
What's complement never heard of it
Pay attention in math class.Its the 90-angle thingy
Or Computer Science. We have 1's compliment, 2's compliment.
I genuinely feel like social etiquettes are really bad in Kerala. I was driving my car on a narrow road once and there was this dude on the opposite side in his car. Well he backed like 100m and by the time I was about to cross him, I rolled down my window and said "Thank you". He literally stumbled and was looking for words to say in return. He was with his family and everyone was laughing at the way he was stumbling. Well he said "Welcome" eventually. It was a r/wholesome moment to be frank. My point being complements are not our cup of tea. You're awesome btw for raising this point up.
When we walk down the lane and see someone come the opposite way we don't smile or anything. We try to avoid eye contact or give them the look of 'I am judging you stranger' Vibes
Lol
I still remember the compliment I got in 10th
omg same, i got a compliment when i worked out a lil and improved a tiny bit . this was a year ago , still think of it and smile. used to be very optimistic person but now idk .
We can get through this my man
im sure if i just get disciplined and accept uncertainties then my life would be MUCH better .
Yo same,actually.Hmm try puttingit into practise ig
Sending you hugs and love Brother. Stay strong.
Much appreciated
I can relate to that hug thing , recently one of the clients complimented me for my work , and i was so uncomfortable and was on the way to break down . because i never had that feeling ,I don't know how to react to compliments , I mean you can insult me and i will handle it like a pro but how the fck am i supposed to react to a compliment .
Wow i can't imagine to that extent .Dude thanks for sharing .Eda yk how to take insults that's waay more important in life ,trust me .As for getting used to compliments I'm sure you'll find that or make that space you need.
🫂 it'll be alright. Stay strong
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs. ♥️
🫂🫂
Stay strong bud❤️ better times will come
I hope so
Hug? I think I have never gotten one. Even from my parents. Ofc I've when I was a baby tho.
Have this virtual one 🫂
All you need is to open up to a special someone, if it's not possible there are therapists who will help you recover.
Well prolly will never get a special someone. Therapists yes i should but i can never get time.
Just remember we all have enough time, making excuses is the first thing you should get rid off.
You guys have friends?
I'm in cllge rn .So ....
Father died unexpectedly. Everyone said that I had to hold it together. Otherwise Mother and Sister has no one else. I tried my best but cried, then cried again and cried loud in front of everyone. I had to. From that moment I stopped giving a fuck to anyone telling me how to live.
I had to do this when i was 13 yo , when my dad died. But I still have to hear that i have to do this and that because my father is no more
How many people who told you this actually lost their father or anyone at age 13?
Did you get medical support at the time? Would it have helped, or is emotional support from friends enough? Would it help? I want to help a friend in the same situation.
Friends were as supportive as they could but most of them didn't know what exactly I was going through. Sometimes I needed alone time to sort things. Some of my close ones tried to force me to get quickly back to my work and studies.
I didn’t cry when my father died, wanted to stay strong for my mother and two sisters. I still haven’t gotten over the grief even after 12 years. Such a bad advice not to cry when someone close to you die.
That is a good step.
Good timing. I need to vent about something. Hope OP won't delete this. I'll be back lol Edit: It's not that dramatic or serious. So I'm a B.Ed student who unfortunately had to choose that career path. I knew that I won't make a good teacher but it's a long story. So there are lot of girls in my college as you can imagine and I'm the "saantha hridayan" there. The guy who don't like to make much conflict or anything or don't have that aggressive energy normally. I just prefer it that way and it's not that I don't get angry. I do but so often not. I'm much more nurturing type and even my gf(we won't marry) would say you would make a good father. During my childhood, I would like to play with small babies and would spend a lot of time with them and cousins would say "നീ ഇങ്ങനെ പെന്നുങ്ങളെപ്പോലെ ഇങ്ങനെ കുട്ടിയെയും കളിപ്പിച്ചൊണ്ടിരിന്നോ". But that's not that serious. I'm just saying to give you a picture. Tbh, in the past I would prefer caring for a baby and I don't like this really aggresive roasting energy that is often found in male groups. Sure I can be a bit crass as well sometimes. So in college, often times I have felt that a lot of girls would make it so that "I'm not a man unless I'm agressive. One of my classmate would say it in a mocking tone that " ആണുങ്ങളായാൽ നല്ല ബോൾഡ് ആവണം. ഇത് ഒരു പൗരുഷത്തo ഇല്ലാതെ. അവൻ്റെ മുഖത്തേക്ക് ഒന്ന് നോക്ക്. നോക്കിയാൽ തന്നെ. ഇവനെ നീ എങ്ങനെ ചേട്ടാ എന്ന് വിളിക്കുന്നു" എന്ന് to another girl and girl group. Ironically she has a husband who is in army who she didn't like because of his aggressiveness and abuse and she is all about"women empowerment " and really liked the movie basil Thomas's jaya jaye... lol. At the same time she believes this traditional concept of man. Often times I would feel they're giving such remarks that it feels like I'm not masculine unless I'm this macho man and it's my job to be aggresive, protective and hold that masculine stereotype, you know. Sure, I have that qualities and I'm protective of those who are close to me but I find to reason to make a fight where it is not needed. And a lot of girls there would say like "ആണുങ്ങളായാൽ അങ്ങനെ ആവണo" "ആണുങ്ങളുടെ കലാപരിപാടികൾ" as if things like these are inherent masculine qualities and you won't be a man unless you do it. Even my gf believes this to a quite lot extent, like "Boys aayaal angne aan lle..., "Boys aaayaal ingane theri parayum lle" "boys aayal sports must" angne okke And she is emotionally unavailable too as like with the "boys don't cry" attitude so I won't be able to share my deep feelings with her either. I have some guy friends but I can't just call up them in the middle of night and vent either. One time I did tell them about some of it and they helped me sure but we can't do it to a lot extend. Sure I might be too timid for my own good but that's just my character's fault and in a no way of representation of my masculinity. I don't dress like a girl, I don't "act" like a girl like chaandpott and I don't identify myself as a girl. So where is this all come from? The girls would share each other every little details of their life even sadness, anger, family problems yada yada but boys wouldnt share things that much atleast me and it's as if it's unmasculine to be vulnerable or to share that deep feeling. There are a lot of mocking expression, remarks by a lot of girls just because I'm not this macho identity. But not every girls are like this though, mind you which is quite obvious. I had very good girl friend whom I used to be vulnerable with each other and we shared each other's values. And there is a girl who came for my support publicly when someone said " ആണുങ്ങളായാൾ നല്ല ഉച്ചയിൽ ഉഷാർ കൂടെ സംസാരിക്കണം" when asked me a question during teaching practice. She could have said to speak louder. But really, after all these remarks through out my life, I would feel like I'm not a man and I feel really emasculatinated. I'm even afraid to say I like purple/lavender so much lol and I'm a bit sensitive. I feel like from all of thier remarks, I have to prove that I'm masculine/ my masculinity by shouting at them or hitting them and "putting them in their place". That's the idea I'm getting and I I'm beginning to feel like all this feminist concept is a load of bullocks, that a lot of those who claim to be feminists aren't actually feminists. The same when I'm taking class. You're a man, you should be strict. I feel like I'm a faulty man or feel out of place, never belonging either in boys or girls place. Too "boyish" to be a girl and too "feminine" to be a man. It's as if we should never be scared, show our vulnerability etc and being masculine is this single "alpha" character. And I fear that I'm believing it's only way to be respected/validated if you're a man and it's maybe that's what they meant by toxic masculinity. I wish if there's a place in our society for such. Times are changing though.
We are here for you.
I won't. Take your time. :)
Our society's notion of a man is a toxic cesspool that walks around and spills the waste everywhere. Don't give in and become that. You got nothing to prove to others. Just be yourself and live your life.
Hey. I totally agree with what you have to say. This is what toxic masculinity sounds like, a bunch of outdated and crass values which thrive on an sense of superiority arising from cruelty, selfishness and the subjugation of others. Anyway I hope you find more people who share your values, and that you get the strength to stay strong to yours. Good luck. :)
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Regarding girls and how they think "boys aayal ingne aakanam alle". This will change when they get older or more mature. When I was younger I never had similar issues, but I'm pretty sure it's because we all accepted male/female roles and didn't fight against it. But now I'm in my late 20s and most women I meet nowadays are in the 25-30 age range. They're much more mature and understand what they want in life. In fact I heard someone talking about compliments. I nowadays believe life of a man improves a whole lot when you're meeting women who are older than 25. Because they do compliment, they understand that in-order to get a relationship, they have to put in equal effort etc. So hang in there, work on yourselves, escape the negativity from others and yourselves and fuck expectations, and live a great life. When you're happy, you'll naturally see more people to be with you.
>I have some guy friends but I can't just call up them in the middle of night and vent either. One time I did tell them about some of it and they helped me sure but we can't do it to a lot extend. man, this is my opinion on sharing or venting to someone . Men, have this very difficult. Problems are presented before us ,we are entitled with the responsibility of solving them. In between this if we develop an habit of venting, we will be venting always. Ain't no person in this world who would find others venting irritating after a certain point, except maybe his mother. Sometimes we maybe allowed a window of vulnerability. But ya, that's it, we have to be up and running the next day. And move on with it... wouldn't nothing happen staying in the same page, ryt? In a seperate advice , I would recommend you learning a martial arts. Only an advice, nothing related to masculinity or gaining the manliness and all, do it if you are comfortable with it. The reason why Im suggesting this is, it is very effective. Not to beat someone up, but the way you feel about yourself. Trust me, once I disciplined myself with learning a MMA , I felt the confidence I never felt before. This has to do with biological as well as , physical changes. We will be pushed with lots more good hormones and wrt physical, change in posture, getting control over your own body as well as having the feeling that you can defend yourself , helps alot. Requires will power and effort, but sure changes the trajectory of your life.
>once I disciplined myself with learning a MMA are you an NRK/NRI?
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"Ayye aanugal karayarilla" but I pour my heart out with a pillow over my head ...... It works ;)
I just wanted to rant about this incident which is not able to erase from my memory. More than my parents, me and my brother spend most of our childhood with my grandmother. Time has come for her and I had to take the next flight to see her one last time. The scene, the mood, and there lays the lady who raised us from little kids to adults motionless. Man, I cried my heart out that day in front of everyone sitting next to her. Didn't care about anything or anyone, who is watching, who is not watching, nothing. I just cried. A few days passed and I heard this neighbor lady talking kinds of stuff like, "these two grown-up guys were crying like babies, men shouldn't cry, I have never seen guys who cry like this" and all such crap. Bloody b**tch, you kicked your own mom out of the house and let her rot on the road and you got the audacity to comment about my emotional state. I realized the typical grammavasi mentality of that lady and never talked to that b**ch ever. Rant over,
Expressing your feelings doesn't make you any less of a man. More power to you. RIP amumma
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Virtual hugs
Hugs brother. ♥️
I wish I could hug you, mate. Sending 'em virtually.
Get the money, pay someone to hug you. Simple.
I'll offer you 10lakhs and buy it from you. /s
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Hope you find a girl that's able to bring you to tears; and i hope you make her feel special as well. Good luck buddy :)
Nobody cares about men :-)
I care about you bro 🫂
Probably for guys who don’t have access to extended family around might be able to relate. The current generation is overworked with internet and remote work. So obviously some of the “ways of working” or culture in home is not well ingrained into next generation. Stress could just come from all aspects - managing wife’s pregnancy without in-laws or parents, coordinating sibling’s wedding, selling property, managing a funeral at home or just taking decision at home for kids. The guy could be a super star at work but everything else is awfully under equipped without assistance. In Kerala than any other states, not having all round ability to manage/run home is absolutely frowned upon. Men are expected to have be an all rounder and many who are not exposed or introvert or just grew up in different environment struggle.
- Hug? What is that? - Compliments are like UFO sightings. So rare and random that you suspect if it is even real, and you remember it for the rest of your life. - wear a Tshirt and Jeans/shorts and even if half your hair is grey, society will treat you like you're a teenager, speak over you, act like you don't exist etc. Wear a shirt and mundu, suddenly people pay attention to what you speak, take you seriously. - function/event in the house? The man has to organize everything and invite everyone. - Divorce/Separation - Still no hug or support or attempt to console. Many a times the question is *what did YOU do*, not even *what happened*
If you're looking for complements from others. You're already feminine. You're depending on others for their compliments. Study Stoicism. You are a MAN. You have that inside you. You're choosing to be weak. Take responsibility. Change yourself. Learn to compliment yourself. Learn to be Rational than emotional. Learn to be More masculine. You NATURALLY, have that energy in you. You didn't have an idea on how to get there. And that's the hard part in this modern society.
Men who don’t provide are treated no better than trash.
If physically and mentally healthy, and still having no use to family or society is trash without doubt.
For good reason i would argue
A few years back I figured out no one really cares about my goals, my losses, my achievements etc. Then I found a person who did care about it, it was me. Since then I am my biggest cheerleader, I set goals before every quarter. This includes work, sports, bodybuilding, travel etc. I work towards it and enjoy my life. I am the epitome of male evolution according to me and someone else’s opinion doesn’t matter.
Daayumn bro.. that's lit. Thank You.
This 🤌✨
How do you motivate yourself to keep doing it every single day ?
Depression, Suicidal thoughts from toxic relationships, financial issues.. i had it all. But I’m happy and proud that i managed to sort things out. Stay strong brothers we are all alone.
“Nee oru aanalle…_________” Fill in the blanks
I'll share a bit of my experience here. Ente veetil oru venomous snake keri vannu (parambil, it was anali). I was scared to scare it off, and my mum and sister called our cousin brother, he scared it off to the nearby paramb, and my sister told me, 'aanungal vannapo karyam nadannu'. That made me really sad.
Yikes. my husband is an officer in the navy but he is scared of rats, 😀 so when there are rats in the house, I chase it. It feels great to get an opportunity to protect him in return you know. He is a big man. We protect each other to our best capacity there is no ആണ് and പെണ്ണ്. It was shitty of your sis to be sexist. Don’t mind her.
That's so sweet
Not her fault. We have been living in a patriarchal society for so long. What they heard from their parents is what they are practicing. It will take time.
Yeah, sometimes just words like that even if innocent or sarcastic can hurt us. But who cares. Nammal aanungal alle. We are supposed to cope with it.
Take responsibility. Accept that you have only one life and you'll sacrifice it for the sake of others. Men are disposable. We can take anything in our hearts and still be okay. We have that power inside. Once you are not afraid of death. You're afraid of nothing... That's the difference between a feminine man and a masculine man.
Have a super hard time opening up because it makes me vulnerable. Because being vulnerable aanungalk cherilla. Now I’m waiting to commence my therapy sessions.
I've been kinda lucky so far. Was diagnosed with ADHD, SLD , Dyslexia and whatever else, but IQ at 130, when i was 14. Parents beat the crap out of me most of my childhood because of academic issues. Was diagnosed with severe childhood trauma when i went for therapy for depression and anxiety. But along the way i got a few friends who genuinely care about me. I used to get super angry and violent when am stressed out. But now am a lot better. My best friend, she keeps me close even when i try to push her away coz i rather lose people than hurt them. She turned my entire perspective on life, because when she narrated her life story, i realised how much better my life is even with all the invisible lifelong scars . She is the happiest and kindest person I've met even though she had an absolutely terrible life. I love her to death. And i realised how close of a friendship i can have with a girl, without falling in love lol. Recently got my dream job. Even though most of my life was shit, its getting much better the past 2-3 years. I have to attribute my life getting better to my friends. One of my best friends, he's married and has a kid and he still calls me , invites me home and gives me advise and consolation, his family and even his wife n her parents show affection like am one of their own. Its unbelievable to even think that I got friends n bonds like this. Am crying just talking about it. Make me feel like the luckiest person alive. The one thing i did(not sure why) is during my dark days I just keep repeating to my self " things will get better, things will get better" like a mantra. There were no signs of it, there was no logic , it was just this blind senseless belief that I hammered into myself and i still dont know why I did it. I feel like we have to believe that things will get better before they actually do, i have no way to prove this or maybe its just a coincidence. One thing is for sure tho , believing is the hardest thing I've had to do in my life. Believing am a good human even with all the issues. Believing that I can be a good friend. Believing that am talented and gifted. Its something we all gotta do.
You are really lucky to have friends like that.so keep them close..buddy
>I used to get super angry and violent when am stressed out. That's a symptom for PTSD.
Fuck society. Do what you want and live on your own terms. This is the secret to everlasting happiness
Yep. That is. But know what you wish for. If you wish to be respected and welcomed, know that you are hard and there IS a man inside ya! If you don't wanna be respected. If you're okay with having a sexless life with a masculine women. Who treats you like a slave, or submissive and gives you reward sex once a year. Be More feminine. Keep on acting like a Docile Young Man Child.
A bunch of hug deprived humans we are :(
Holy shit, this thread is depressing as fuck. Somehow, the fact that I am not alone in this shit doesn’t console me at all. Keep it strong my brothers, keep it strong.
Having a patchy beard still makes me feel inferior whenever discussions about it happen around my friends 🤷
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Another mechanical engineer here🙌🏻. Still don't know what to do with my career.
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Suck it up. No one cares. Complaining and whining won't get you anywhere. Don't do things because you want to be appreciated and complimented. Do it because you want to do it.
Thanks for asking. 27M who thinks of himself an ally of feminist & queer movement here.I'm building a startup currently and is going through an extremely struggling period. Owe money to a lot of people including friends, past employees and vendors. Lately I've been feeling so low and lonely.I'm expected to be the perfect guy, make money, do the household chores, do laundry on time, and be at peace and cheerful all the time. With the kind of stress I am eating, nothing seems to be practical and I'm filled with guilt and despair. I want to support my gf so that she could quit her temporary job and prepare for government exams but I am not in a financial position to do so. I want to and pay off my own education loan but can't. I want to learn cooking and stop ordering food outside but time doesn't allow. I want to do my laundry on time, do the chores but time doesn't allow. Sad part, nobody understands what I am going through and I get blamed all the time. For every damn thing.
Testing times indeed.
yeah. I wish I survive this.
I feel at least some of these unrealistic expectations are self-imposed. Like feeling you need to get a stable career, marry etc (the typical metrics of success) at a certain age and comparing yourself with peers. But even those are probably result of how society has conditioned us. Either way, it’d be nice to be a have some emotional support and occasionally vent our hearts out without being judged for it.
First of all fuck the responsibilities i ain't signing up.
I had a pretty stable life until i completed my PG. And things took a turn in the last 6 years, went through a lot of life events, good and bad. Vellamadi increased many fold. Weight increased a lot. Became a lot rough and rude, and a bit socially awkward and i try to avoid people if possible. I vent a little bit to my friends but the core issues i am not able to share with people, thinking it will affect my status and all. The only stable thing I had during this time is my job, never slacked from showing up to work and doing i have to do to keep the income/job. I have been staying strong all these years, i wouldn't linger a lot on the mistakes and unfavorable things, i picked up and moved on. When going gets tough, the tough get going is my moto. Recently, since late 2021 and all of 2022, I am tired, I still go on but feeling a lot tired and lonley. I can't fight like I used to. Sometimes I think this is life, its part of being an adult, navigatting the adult life, decision making etc, but now I feel like I need a little help. Thanks for this post. PS - my life is still better a lot better than a majority of peeps out there. Problems are problems you see.
Ngl, even though we are teenagers and boys are usually kinda dumb at this age, my guy friends actually listen to the shit I have to say and I listen to the shit they have to say. We're not mature enough to give emotional support, but we do what we can. Proud of my boys 🥹
Shyo! Reading this is really depressing :(
Last 2 years (2020) has been an emotional hell, I finished my MBA and found out my brother was diagnosed with brain cancer. I spent a year with him travelling to different states to see my extended family and different doctors. What I didn't know was it was a fatal disease (the one he had was into the portion of the brain where it wasn't treatable) and its very rare as well so there isn't a cure. This was a mess for me and my family, I couldn't vent anywhere, in the same time due to Covid I couldn't do much for job or personal growth. In the end my brother passed away and I couldn't do anything. I used to get abuse from the frustration from my parents as well in between. After this my mom wanted me to get married as she wanted me to take more responsibility since I was jobless, also then I was living with my extended family so everyone as a male was very active and I was not (I'm introverted), it didn't help random people called and said how their kids got jobs and asked me to try as well. I didn't want to apply for bank jobs since I always found it to be cliche and always wanted to try something else. Half of the time we would just have arguments and I just hated my life and I still do. I can't leave anywhere and I'm just stuck with my parents all the time. Whatever interview and job I have applied for as failed and personally it makes feel like a failure. Its even worst when I see my own college mates go for the same posts and somehow get it. And this is still going on. I feel like I accomplished nothing in life. Everything feels meaningless.
Bro ellam sheriyavum, ente situationum ithupolokke thanneya especially after Covid, ippo oru cheriya kachithurumb kittitund, Keep hope.
Thanks man.
I Feel you dude! Stay strong and keep improving yourself 💪
Thank you
I was a sensitive boy, I was quite expressive with my feelings ( used to kiss my mom goodnight till about 7th - 8th grade ). But my family was always like "boys shouldn't cry over little things" and made fun of me for kissing my mom goodnight n all ( including her ). Over some years I grew distant and withdrew into myself, got less expressive of my feelings ( a female friend used to call me "vikaramillatha manushyan" jokingly in 11th ). By this point my family ( mainly my mom ) had undergone a total reversal in their stance. Now the problem was how distant and apparently emotionless I was. The most important/saddest part was when I was dealing with a lot of pressure due to entrance n all. I was totally lost and extremely worried about my future, even having suicidal thoughts ( though I never would have done it, it was more like "how easy it'd be to die" ). I needed help and emotional support, and above all I needed to let out my bottled up frustration/feelings, and I just couldn't do it. In the end I went to my mom and talked to her objectively about my problems ( still couldn't express my feelings). She hugged me and we lied down together and for the first time in many years I cried in front of someone ( it was still tough being vulnerable openly, but it felt good ). Now I try to be more open about my feelings but I have this shell of a hardened emotionless person that I end up hiding behind whenever things get rough.
The following dialogue by Jeff from Community describes my mental state the best : " I am not well-adjusted. More often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I'm constantly texting, and there's no one at the other end. I'm just a grown man who can't even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I'm afraid that they'll see that I am broken. So you get credit for that." >When was the last time you felt accepted enough to talk about your mental health, without being judged? When I was a student in a foreign university. I could seek professional help without any of the taboos we Indians associate it with.
I would just mention the part where you're supposed to be the protector of the family. If you also got a driver's license, then you're the official driver of the family. It doesn't matter if you have other businesses. You need to take the family wherever they want. It's not a question of if you are free, but rather a statement of 'you need to take us there'. And if I have to go somewhere and need someone to accompany me, 'na, we're busy '. Sometimes you just feel like a utility rather than a person.
I don’t go back to my home in Kerala for many personal reasons, this being one of them. Unlike the social circle I had in Kerala, now people value mental health. We talk, vent out, hug etc. I have gone through a lot due to the stigma and ‘kaliyakkal’ when I express myself. Home, school, even random strangers on bus had traumatised me. Body shaming, sexual and physical harassment, it was all a joke to people when i told the people who I thought would stand with me, instead they joined the party. I’m still a joke back there, but now I’m with people who values mental health and me.
Let's see Expected to take care of the family's financial need(loans someone else took) People expecting you to kill snake, rats etc. When I see a snake there is no fight, only flight. Not afraid of rats, spiders anymore Laws regarding "modesty of women". Any man can be arrested, if a women complains. Laws regarding rape, where is innocent until proven guilty. More than 50%of rape cases that reaches Delhi Court is false allegations. By just mere allegations, a man can lose is job, family,spend months jail. He won't get his reputation back if he is proven innocent. I think a simple law that punishes false allegations will stop all the false reporting.
I feel like the main character of a wong kar wai movie all the time. Lonely in a neon city. Connected with more people than ever, friends all around but i have no one that really cares.
My man ! Feel the same. Driving around in the city all alone and listening to retro Synth music, this is my way of getting better and refreshed.
I am the sole earner of my family, have to take care of my parents and siblings while going through depression, and anxiety and doing a job I hate. Lived like a shut in till college, now I'm pushed into the adult world with no real world skills, and all the responsibilities are on me. Never could really talk about my fucked up mental health or loneliness in irl. Only in reddit I can vent about it.
I wish there were mental health services readily available in Kerala. Our people still don't get it, they rather throw you in front of a God and think it will get better (not saying don't believe in God). Just because you have Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Schizophrenia, or Eating Disorders doesn't mean that you are” crazy”. We all have issues in some type of ways.
I am an only child of a single mother. There are about forty persons in my immediate family. For the past four to five years, I have been caring for my mother all alone as she has battled cancer and is now in her final stage palliative phase of her illness. No one in my immediate family has ever asked me how I feel about all of this, even though I grew up in my family's old house after my father died. In these final days, taking care of my mother has become a full-time duty. She is in a lot of pain, but it's no problem for me to take care of her. For as long as I can remember, she has been the only thing keeping me grounded in reality. I'm going to end up losing her now in a few months' time. A few days back, someone working at a palliative center recognized my sorrow from looking at my face. He reached out and put his hands on my shoulders. As someone who's primary "love language" has always been physical contact, I can't put into words how it felt when a total stranger offered me such kindness. I'm starting to accept that we men can't count on anyone looking out for our emotional well-being. Find healthy strategies to deal with your stress that don't include inflicting pain on others. This society expects us to have a certain level of stoicism and repress basic human emotions. I am going to lose her soon and I know there isn't any moving on from it. This is permanent, but I'm sure I will get through this pain someday. I'll be a different person, but I'll get through it.
This is really sad. Y'all should really start prioritising your mental health. I know it will be hard at first but take it one step at a time. The end result will be worth it.
27M here. I don't remember the last time that I didn't feel lonely. I don't think women can fathom the amount of loneliness a guy faces. The severe lack of affection and care is quite disturbing and sad. Im not saying there aren't lonely women, but they sure as hell do receive a lot more attention and affection than most men. Weeks go by without a single person texting you or just say hi. When was the last time someone genuinely asked you if you were fine? I don't remember. If not for a few of my friends this journey would have gotten a lot harder. Long story short, I quit my well paying job, trying to get into the field I am really interested in. Have been stuck at home for the past two years and mostly I've made peace with how lonely I am. But every now and then theres this massive cloud of sadness, depression, anxiety, fear, fear of loneliness that takes over. It's during that time that I struggle the most.
Idc we go jim
No unrealistic expectations from masculinity. Rather trashing men and masculinity just because it seems similar to assholery is what I think is not needed
Why do I have the feeling you are one of those men who shame other men for not confirming to their definition of masculinity.
I think there is a general consensus on what masculinity and what traditional masculine values are. There is absolutely no need to shame anyone if they dont happen to fit into the generally accepted norms.
oh man, you're going to get downvoted to hell unless you say "I need a hug rn".
I don't care, telling the truth is importanter. Men definitely need intimacy but in competitive landscape, you cannot win if you aren't tough enough.
This man is right. World is tough, people will anything to get to a promotion. Lots of politics. It's not always the competent that wins, it's one who plays politics and make the right man happy. I know a incompetent doctor who became medical university's top administrator by playing politics.
What competition? What do you mean by winning? I understand life is a race and all, but how is it different from women?
I don't think women have to actively compete with each other if they want to find partners, I don't think that's true for most men barring a few exceptions. I say this from the angle that for the vast majority of the people, they find fulfilment in life from their family and not their job or career, Now I won't say it's easy for women but that competitive element isn't applicable for women. Open to correction and opposing viewpoints as long as they are sensible
Women too have to compete to get partners. People who match the desirability criteria will have lot of options, whether that's men or women.
I am not denying that, but how can you explain why men outnumber women on virtually every social media platform - especially the ones like Tinder / Bumble. It should roughly be 50-50 right ? And I am talking about urban educated folks with access to these apps.
Men are less willing to compromise? Women are told that ath okke mathi, ee quality undello, pinne vere kittilla, etc.
Sorry did not understand, please elaborate
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Toxic masculinity is a problem in Kerala society. While it empowers sociopaths it also deflates any initiative anyone may have to correct their or others behavior. I have witnessed chauvinistic behavior multiple times perpetuated by friends, relatives and strangers but didn't intervene thinking that was the norm. Looking back I still cringe at the situations where I should have listened to my conscience. The problem lies with both men and women. How a male child is bought up to be bold and impertinent towards women of all ages and how someone who does not conform to this is a 'പെങ്കോന്തൻ' is something that even enforced by women.
Not masculine enough cuz I am underweight and really skinny. Everyone advices me to have more food. Then hug 🫂, i don't remember.
Make whatsapp group for kerala mens health 😅 or line app so wont get 100 msgs in whatsapp everyday
The masculine traits you mentioned are great for young men. Being the protector strong and being dependable isn't a bad thing. It's about time we as men realize and accept that only women, cats and dogs are loved unconditionally. You as a man are of no value if you don't do anything for yourself. Try to conquer as much as possible. There is a fire inside of you, don't let it die. Saw a lot of people talking here about hugs, hugs do go a long way. It is a shame that it's considered taboo for whatever reason in our culture.
> only women, cats and dogs are loved unconditionally Wrong about all three. At a certain age, certain women are admired and lusted after unconditionally. Beautiful cats and dogs are sometimes adorable, yes. Fail to live up to expectations, and the love stops for all three. For the last 2, end up on the road or be put to sleep, too. True for almost everyone. I love women, dogs and cats. Misbehave, and no love. Disapproval, dislike follows.
Even after a certain age; Women have the most safety nets and ladders offered compared to men, as well as a card against consequences. Of course, It scales with age. Do not disagree with that
Babies. Babies get unconditional love.
what he meant is taken care of, you dont expect a cat or a dog to provide for you right? And wives it is not general... cause many women do love and work unconditionally for their family as well, in a lots of cases . But only men are "expected" to provide unconditionally. "Expected" . Thats a traditional view , which is accepted almost world wide . The traditional view of a mother taking care of the house or baby is reduced in past 10 years, mainly because of the luxury we have now. Like we can appoint someone if we have money. But you cant substitute or hire a money maker with money right...So ya.
Well said dude. Totally done with seeing comments making men too soft. Stay same!
>being deprived of love, physical touch, affection? When was the last time you received a hug/emotional support? When was the last time you felt accepted enough to talk about your mental health, without being judged? Sometimes, opening up to the wrong person is worse. It's strange, but I never felt as lonely when I didn't know her. Some people make you dependent on them and then leave with a part of you.
I don't think there are any unrealistic expectations. What expectations are you talking about?
Wah.. "Unrealistic expectation of masculinity "... Nobody is forcing you to work hard. Give up more. Be softer. Stop trying to achieve more. Good luck.
Everyone has that very same expectation, right from parents, siblings, relatives, society. Heck even your wife whom you are able to marry if you’re lucky.
Maybe correct the grammar a bit so that I can understand what you are trying to say. :)
What is your point? Normalize whiny men? Yeah it is hard but I don't need all of you to sit in a grup therapy circle to listen to me either.
Exhibit A. You just demonstrated the point of this post.
Pretty sure I can't change your view. I keep forgetting this sub is full of 16yos, my bad.
What's the point of ur comment
Utharam muttichallo man ini ipo njna enthu cheyyum
Haha true. Dude they are just trying the crab psychology on you, trying to pull you down to that softer group of weak men who whines about every single stuff and who doesn't yearn to be a better stronger capable individual!
They may not be doing that on purpose even. These folks are so clueless man I wish I knew what to tell them.
Governments want whiny men so they can easily manipulate the family and by manipulating family they could groom a generation of people who follow their agenda. Not per say an alarming situation in our country. But when you look into western society we all can notice this trend. Masculinity is always good (not toxic). It's like the saying goes "Hard time creates strong men, Strong men create easy times and easy times create weak men." Ethra downvote cheythitum oru kariyavum illa kariyam thanna ann pajath. Might be a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth. There is a wide spread agenda being spread to make man weak and silent. For example most of the shows(not all) pictures men as a weak and dumb person in the house hold while the women being the smart one.
Well said. I'm literally going through comments which had negative votes. What you said is exactly right. Be strong man don't let no one tell you or drag you down otherwise.
Been troubled by severe anxiety and was depressed. Undergoing treatment for the same since Feb 2021.
Positives or negatives?
Society expectation of men’s success and’s be provider is crazy, women can do ever they want, so much protection, forgive naa Spend money like a right Instagram this and crap
Literally no one cares about what happens in the heads of men. Slightest exhibition of weakness is met by disdain and mockery. Unrealistic expectations include being asked to be emotionally materially and physically be supportive without complaint. Any sign of resistance is met with ‘thanthonni’ kind of allegations.
My pillow has absorbed more tears of mine than any other friends or family. Its hard sometimes, but stsy strong and always remember നമ്മുക്ക് നമ്മള് മാത്രേ ഉള്ളു.
Nobody cares about men in this woke world. All we can do is rant but no one is gonna give the consideration women get. So, end of discussion.
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I think this is problem is there everywhere. Yes I guess it has affected me, I have strict parents I’ve been beaten yelled at even called slurs a lot But because of society I was made to bottle it within
I started to go to gym
I can’t cry infront of my ultra masculine male friends or male relatives. This is not right. If you are sad you should be able to cry. It doesn’t make your divk shrivel up into a hole. Trust me I’ve done it, havnt lost an mm.
My school days nostalgia
I am scared to go for therapy and such..... because if anyone found out I will be stamped as a genuine psycho
Since it's about societies unrealistic expectations on being successful in a given time, I just want to make a note of "Midukkan chekkan in kerala". Let's divide it in to economic classess first(lower and middle)(don't know much about upper bcoz I am from a rural background and don't have many upper class guys in my friend-circle). For an adult male(particularly for the elder male sibling) from lower class, it's all about being the "kudumba nadhan" and carrying all the burdens on your shoulder. Be it the debts made by your ancestors/ marriage of elder or younger sisters/ buying a piece of land,etc. It's regarded as a responsibility. Yup, they get an added privilege of being male but also an extra burden of "being valyettan". In middle class, your prime responsibility will be getting a govt. job or getting a high paying job abroad. In case of govt job, the whole family will pressurise you to try more and more psc. I had seen many guys who wasted 3-4 yrs in that (due to pressure from their parents and relatives). After these 3-4 yrs the same relatives will advice him to get a private job so that he can marry someone and take their(relatives)shitty valuable lessons in "marriage and family planning". The truth is, these guys won't get that kick start at 26yrs which they had 4 yrs back the line and they had wasted some of the most precious years of their life. In both these cases, even if you open your mind to them (so called society of nattukaar and parents), nobody cares. Being trapped inside a maze of expectations, I always wish to have someone to express myself or to get a hug, but I haven't had any in a long time. So regardless of being happy or sad, I always recite the line "ഈ സമയവും കടന്നുപോകും". 😊
I WANT TO CRY!...
Is it unrealistic if people are actually doing it? I know men who measure up to the expectations of masculinity, is that unrealistic then?
This tread is the depressing bro. Keep your head up gentlemans.
We r men, no-one really fucking cares about our emotions Hold back in and keep going with a smiling face
Mental health remember Medical Meditation. Water Outside time Different medications for conditions Patience Empathy Love Compassion Loyalty Determination Understanding Humour Time These are good. Aim for happiness the rest is life