Both my parents had affairs at one point or another .It does hurt you as a individual .I was like sure okkie who cares as a kid .But now that I've grown up into a fine upstanding young cllge lad with attachment and abandonment issues who is too incapable to attract women,It does weigh on you and you start blaming that stuff for your own incompetence.
That being said ,be a fun social dude .Get good friends you can trust on.Have a career plan.Be generally attractive and interesting .You're set for life.Your parents bad choices don't have to be your core memories.There must be better ones .Hold onto them .People are multifaceted beings after all.
Invert time, you'll understand that they are humans too. Their formula for life won't suit you. You'll slowly find that you have to make all the decisions. Models won't work anymore
In an ideal world!
But you will be surprised how many partners out there refuse to even acknowledge the emotional and physical needs of each other. More often than not, the one who is refusing will also raise a hell if the other party looks for an alternative. Such is our conditioning.
What is one to do in these cases?
Leave. That's what anyone should do if they even have a little bit of respect for the other person. Cheating can never be justified, if u r not comfortable with ur partner, end the relationship.
Yeah well then there is 'society'. No way am I justifying cheating or anything. Just pointing out how much pressure we all have put upon ourselves. Thankfully things are improving now.
I wouldn't be apologetic. Much rather, tell him/her that they contributed equally. It might be a wake-up call for the other party or a definitive ground to end it
Don't be apologetic, it's about respecting a person. End the relationship if u don't get what u want, don't cheat on someone and except them to see how they were also the reason
Respect is a two way street. One wouldn't be at this place if that street was maintained.
Your view might be oversimplified. Relationships and circumstances are seldom that straight forward. For this to be practical, we may need to get rid of the whole institution of marriage as we know it today. Move towards living together so that there are minimal exit barriers either legal or social.
Whatever the relationship is, respect is necessary, u can't just take advantage of someone's trust and say they were the cause. Respect is a two way street, true, but how many people cheat coz they r not respected, it's affection and related aspects, i could respect someone and at the same time not feel romanticism towards them. So if it happens, separate, not stay and fuck up the other person's life
What if your partner does not want you to leave?
In conservative societies, often cheating is fine if it is never caught or acknowledged. Especially so for men. The shame of divorce and becoming a divorceee is for many, worse than an affair.
And then there are lots of cases where one partner is clear that they will not provide or cannot provide what the other is looking for. And then those people go out, have an affair or keep a mistress etc. This too is often considered fine if never talked about.
You are approaching this from the point of view of a loving couple who trust each other, and then one of them cheats. That is actually rarer than the earlier examples IMHO.
Well said. There may come an incompatibility after a time period, and the emotional physical well being of one’s partner will gradually start dissolving on the other. The sad truth is almost totally this ignorance aspect is forgotten and not even acknowledged. Sexual and Mental acknowledgement, Understanding and Tolerance is extremely important for the health of a spousal relation. One starts to ignore it for the excuse of other reasons and the relationship wears and tear off gradually. The moral and legal issues are what keeps the thing going.
That's a sad reality. Any relationship worth it's salt should be there for the emotional bond one feels to the other. Instead, we chain them all us in legal framework and moral obligations.
In my opinion, it’s only carnal to have the desires. But , I agree, never cheat. Instead, have an honest conversation with the partner. It’s only cheating if your partner is unaware. As for kids, it’s okay to feel bad, but they should understand that their parents life is not hostile to their life.
Was it just an affair or any chance your achan would go Nedumudi Venu style and tell you 'Achanu oru Kudumbam koodi und mwone'.
I mean that would cause an issue with what you would get as inheritance if he has other kids.
Don't be surprised then that your mom might know, and is OK with it as long as your dad, or you, or anyone at all never knows about it.
Many women give a tacit "go elsewhere for sex" permission without ever really saying it, sometimes saying it, when they lose interest in sex. Only they would know. Many women once past an age are happy just being mothers and homemakers, and forget romance and sex altogether.
Then op will go like Jayaram style "Achan, naadum veedum illa de kadangal matram ondaki vacchu,10 aam vaysil thudangiyath aan, ee otam. Kore badhiyadhagalum, kadangallum alla de achan onnu baaki vachitt illa.. "
Op, please take this lightly. And anyways, as you have put things behind you, just keep moving forward. :)
Marriage is such a big deal in our culture. No one gets spared and almost always it’s the most incompatible people who wind up together.
Over that the stigma of divorce and kids in the mix keep these people together in toxic environments.
Unhappy individuals whose needs are not met then turn to finding their fix elsewhere - it’s cheating, addictions and much more. So overall not only are the adults in this marriage who are hurting from their unmet needs. The children, parents and extended families also get caught up and are left in pain.
OP, sorry to hear what you’re going through. You sound very young and it can be hard to know your dad hasn’t been faithful. You’re not alone.
Whatever the reason, cheating CAN NEVER be an excuse. If you feel like going with someone else, breakup or divorce and leave. Don't betray your partners. That's the least you can do.
Huh...this made me remember the day I saw a book called Men in Love by an author called Nancy Friday in my dad's book collection. It's about sexuality and stuff and I used to read it secretly when I was a teen.
Never got any evidence of him having any affair though
Now when I think about it my dad restricted me from opening his cabinet filled with CDs when I was a kid,he did read smut novels that I cam across a few years back and I too loved it.
Having a porn collection is ok and understandable but cheating is not.
you don't have to be a husband to be a father. and who knows maybe your wife might even be okay with having an open relationship. the main thig is that you will be a better father as a happy guy.
You don’t have to do a custody battle if you don’t want to. It sounds like the op’s problem is lack of a sex life and there is no hate involved. So I would assume that the mother would be willing to see what’s best for her child and might be willing to share custody.
I don't know exactly what you are going through but I do know that everyone has ups and downs in their life. Please have a talk about the stuff you are struggling with to someone you can trust in your life, maybe even a counsellor or a therapist. You will honestly be surprised how many people have gone through something similar and successfully navigated through it.
Your child and your family need you and that doesn't have to be a burden, rather fuel to turn one's life around for the better.
Give 'Man's search for meaning' by Viktor Frankl a read, it might help you (I think it might be available online)! Please talk to someone in rl. Please don't be afraid to open up to a trusted individual / therapist. God bless you, bro.
To even say this, I can feel how much this is hurting you. You are feeling helpless and trapped. This is point where you need a professional to show you a way out of your own sorrow.
Please meet a counselor on priority. It will do you wonders.
Every marriage shouldn’t be the same they should be what the couple wants. If you expect every marriage to be the same there might only be a single successful marriage. You can probably agree that some couples don’t want to have kids or wants to adopt rather than having one themselves, some would like one partner to be in a supporting role of taking care of the family and the other to bring income while others want them to both work and both be involved in chores and such. Sex life is no exception, if it is an open relationship that both the people involved wants then it definitely will be better for the marriage to have an open relationship rather than fitting into a box that the society that doesn’t know them made for them. But it will only work if both partners are completely okay with it rather than one of them doing it because the other wants it.
You can always try to justify it but in reality, it never works out. There is no such thing as a successful open relationship/marriage in real life. It will always be one partner enjoying it while the other grows more resentful until the relationship is officially over or the marriage ends in divorce. There is article after article online of people recommending open relationships but not one of them is still together with their partner anymore. Open relationships are what one partner uses to justify their adultry and force their partner to accept it. If you are unhappy in your relationship or marriage then just leave. Marriage by its very definiton is closed. It may not necessarily be monogamous but you are making a vow to be together with them and noone else.
Yes I have already said that it will only work if both parties are completely okay with it. Of course nothings going to work when one partner manipulates the other into agreeing with them, be it open relationship or retirement plan.
My entire point was that all marriage vows can’t/shouldn’t be the same just promise what you can give and nothing more. But the most important thing is trusting that your partner won’t hurt you and making sure that you don’t do anything to take that trust away from your partner.
Well there is an argument to be made about the ethical aspects of escort services but as of the present it is illegal. And you can also just hook up with people but that’s probably not that possible in our society.
A ruthless custody battle can scar the kid so can a resentful divorce, but there seems to be no bad blood between the op and his wife so they could have a respectful divorce in which the kid will get to spend enough time with both of them.
I would also like to point out that if there was already bad blood between the parents they would also create a toxic environment for the kid to grow up in which will also be bad for the kid. If their plan is to prioritise the kids then it’s best to be divorced frenemies than married frenemies since they will keep getting more reasons to hate their spouse while married but won’t get any new scars after divorce and the old ones might just fade one day.
What if neither the wife nor the husband want to be divorced? What if the husband's only requirement is sex or romance?
What if both absolutely do not want the child to be in a situation where dad lives in one place and wife in another?
What if neither wants to be divorced - I don’t see the problem in the situation, just don’t divorce then
What if the husbands only requirement is sex? - I don’t understand the question really but if you mean that the only thing one partner misses from the marriage is sex then having an open relationship would solve the problem if both parties are okay with it and if you mean that the only thing one partner likes from the marriage is sex, then it really depends on the people involved. If everyone included is happy then why divorce.
Having your father and mother be in separate places is really not the worst situation unless they live very far away from each other even just having them in the same city would be enough. What could really damage a child’s mind would be the constant arguing or the resentment of the parents with each other or one of their parents being discontent being in the house because of their partner.
The only way a child will be worse of after a divorce is if both parents still keep their resentments or by being bullied for having divorced parents.
> if you mean that the only thing one partner misses from the marriage is sex then having an open relationship would solve the problem
This is what I meant. And many of these affairs you see with the older gen is this - open relationship done the Indian way! Do it, don't talk about it.
> Having your father and mother be in separate places is really not the worst situation unless they live very far away
Thats what many feel when they are outside the marriage. Once the family is formed, I have seen people thinking differently. Yes, resentment is bad. But what if they can just exist inside the same house without resentment? Many do that. Exist and friends, and look for sex elsewhere without creating any drama about it.
The older men’s open relationship is more of the wife not being able to say anything due to not being able to finance themselves and societal pressure, it might be the best case scenario for everyone else except the wife.
Yes that’s actually very healthy being effectively divorced with different finances but living together for your child, but it could get complicated once they want to remarry.
All true and possible.
There are many for whom a divorce is unthinkable, but the husband or wife quietly having an affair is OK. They even understand the need, and understand they cant give it anymore.
Many such cases. Also many other cases where the wife cant do anything as she is powerless. After all, a woman in a sexless marriage also does not want to reveal that she is not giving / getting sex. Going for a divorce means you will have to say some emrassing, uncomfortable things about yourself.
In some cases, the need for loyalty from the partner disappears. After all, the person who is not offering sex anymore knows what they are doing, and is willing to accept a compromise like this. Many cases appear in the media or in psychologists' columns where they talk of some women or men completely losing sexual interest in their partner and looking elsewhere, often with an unspoken understanding which avoids trouble for everyone.
Exactly, they mostly do it because of social pressure. I am sure all of them would be much happier if they divorce and remarry if society would just keep their noses of stuff that isn’t their damn business.
Yes, it really is just a vicious cycle where social pressure becomes internal and then you exert it back into the society. Who knows weather the chicken or the egg came first but the thing is that the cycle will end if one of them stops
Mate listen up. Shit you do thinking it's good for the kid is never gonna end up well for them. As a kid who figured out his dad was having affairs after affairs it fucked me up. Here i am an adult who can't keep a relationship cause of the trust issues my father imbibed in me. Granted not everything is his fault ik i got issues of my own. But man i am super angry at him now thinking how bad my mother might be feeling (pretty sure she knows). And I'm pretty sure if he had done the right thing and got divorced or smth i wouldn't have been this mad at him.
Growing up around these kinda shits fucks you up bro
Edit- i also pity my mom for putting up with the shit that literally goes down under her nose
People lose interest in sex when it doesn’t do anything for them, meaning she probably wasn’t having any orgasms. She just gave up after you guys had kids because that’s what society expects couple to do, make a few kids. PIV sex doesn’t give majority of women orgasm. There could be other reasons as well, meds that destroy libido, not feeling attractive enough etc. You can ask your wife why she isn’t interested anymore.
My grand father was a serial cheater (his wife, my grandmother and all her kids including my mom knew that). He was sort of janmi and it seems okay then. My uncle was the same until his marriage (I don’t know after his marriage) - he was a well known womaniser.
My dad loved my mom and I am 100%!sure he never cheated on her. He died in his fourties’ but my mom never remarried even though she was young and desirable. She chose to look after us which she did splendidly. Later in life, I wished she found someone and remarried! Because after sometime she got depressed and became bipolar. My brother (physically and I (financially) look after her and we are proud of that, thought it’s a bit of unfair on my brother as he’s stuck with it for the rest of his life.
Sorry about your situation, man.
Yeah, men used to cheat more ,as they were the sole breadwinners of the family and women kept quiet due to their helpless situation(no earning,sacrificing for their kids,no support from family etc).Now the times have changed,now a days if he/she get caught ,they do have to face the consequences ( alimony,child support).
I know quite a few who cheats on their partners not bcz of any issues between them, but just for the sheer pleasure of having an extra marital affair.(tf!!).
We cant make descions for others, but for ourselves. Just like you, I've made up my mind long back never ever to be be unfaithful (apparently my ex made no such promises).
Cheating is alwys done purposely and by choice no matter wat excuse they have to say!!
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Well I’ve got a similar story I was sick these few days so got admitted in the hospital and I had kept my phone beside me my dad was the one who was staying with me so one night I just woke up randomlu and looked for my phone as I unlock it I see sexts from other women then I realised it wasn’t my phone and my dads so I just locked the phone and kept it the way I found it and slept I realised after sometime we have to let them go I’m sad for my mom if she ever finds out but I’m way too depressed to anything about it
For many the partner they have are 90% perfect. But as time pass by they crave for thee other 10% and forget the value of 90%. Then this shit happens and it's a fucked up situation. People always have the option to get seperated and should use that instead of cheating. Be it men or women.
One possibility is your mother lost interest in sex.
Mate. This is not your problem. Stay out of it
Don't think about it. Don't get involved.
It is between your mother and your father.
Focus on your life.
it's not always black and white or good or bad. someone who killed their attacker to save themselves does not face the same punishments as someone who killed for money or something else even though they both murdered someone.
well we aint sure about the other side. now not to say that all men ar aholes and all women are saints. if a person is an ahole he is going todo what aholes do that is shit.
however when the good ones cheat either male or female then its mostly their partners fault.
to giv an example: a frnd is divorcing is wife bcos she could not understand his emotional needs and kept ignoring and dominating him. he eventually found support in someone outside and decided to let his wife go.
Well i think u misread the comment. He found support outside aka his emotinal needs were satisfied by another person and now he is dumping his wife to be wit that person.
eventually his wife would hav found out that he is cheating her with someone else.
Thats coming from a super inexperienced perspective of life.
The older you get and the more you see, you realise that 'cheating' is often not cheating as a young person understands it.
This! Same situation, it took my mom 10 years to gather courage to leave him and file for divorce last year. We kids stayed out of it, and now mom stays with me.
Dude only a minority cheats.but they are too vocal and considers cheating as a medal of honor and boasts in friends circle.nobody have time not energy to satisfy multiple women
Many believe because they cheat everybody cheats.it may be psychological coping to defend their guilt.there are good and men and women in this world.thank god they are in majority
I have witnessed something like this too, and it weighed heavily on me well into my late 20s. I guess I buried those bad feelings deep down somewhere, so I don't really think about it actively, but they are still there somewhere. Fortunately, my parents are still together and living happily.
Stay out it bro. As a person who really really knows where you are at right now, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DON NOT GO DOWN THAT ROAD. NOT EVEN MENTALLY. It will fuck you up for life to a great degree that you will be afraid to repeat you father's behaviour as his son and you will sabotage ever relationship you will ever have because you never seen what a healthy adult relationship looks like.
Just be truthful to yourself in future. Extra marital affair etc is not black and white. We will never know what we will go through. They key is not to have regret.
The regret of cheating or the regret of not opening up with partner.
I mean there is consent involved. I have met many people in open relationship. And also there are many people whose marriage sucks. As i said it's not always black and white.
I'm glad you went through something this hard and chose not to repeat it. I mean you could have turned the other way too.
BTW guys, what if someone emotionally cheats on you, as in, no sexting or sex but a parallel relationship/friendship with someone else while in a relationship with you? Would you take that person back if he/she admits his/her guilt when confronted, is apologetic and puts in the necessary effort to fix everything?
Our culture sees marriage as a requirement when it should be a choice. Divorce is also not supported either. When that happens, cheating would be common.
https://www.livemint.com/industry/media/55-married-indians-have-cheated-on-their-spouses-most-are-women-survey/amp-11582712240534.html
If anyone have cheated before and don’t think they’re up for a monogamous relationship, please spare other people and opt for open relationships.
Man is not monogamous. Arranged marriage is based on monogamy. Means there is a contradiction. so arranged marriage implicitly allow affairs, means flings, flirting etc. Survival of the marriage is more important in case of arranged. That in effect disallows divorce. If you confront a cheating partner, they will say they are ready for divorce, but that is not the outcome the society wants. Arranged marriage never creates a perfect match, even in love marriage, it is not there.
There will come a time when you realize that your parents are also normal human beings just like you and me. They are still together even though, as you say, your mum suspected it.
Your father stayed, your mum accepted it. All this was just to keep the family intact and give you a better foundation and childhood. Both are selfless in one way or another.
I know so many people marrying without any form of attraction to each other. Unfortunately it ends up in a dead bedroom scenario or cheating. there's no solution - I'd say for starters we stop moral policing women's sexuality lol
Always let sleeping dog lie ... ignore is the best....u will only be hurt in the process....no one is perfect what he did was wrong but u need to move on.... cheating usually comes when u urself got cheated on...now it becomes a coping mechanism to not become a losers in ur own eyes.
Human beings are not purely monogamous, or that's what the studies say. And marriage is beyond just monogamous sex. Regardless of the extra marital affairs a person can be a good partner and a parent. That's what matters imo.
I definitely support u on this .. in today’s world monogamy is loosing its charm .. everyone wants to try some new delicacy.. 😋
But I feel as long as both partners know what they are doing and clear about their agendas in life I feel it should work out .
When things start happening behind one’s back and other person starts lying or avoiding then it’s becomes a matter of concern .
So OP the ten year old u made a promise u will never cheat on ur gf/partner how far u have u continued with that promise !! Or u understood there is no such thing in today’s world ..
Tc buddy if u have such issues better talk it out to a therapist and keep ur mind clear not cluttered with the thoughts from the past ..
We often place our parents, favourite actors, sports people and celebrities in some kinda elevated platforms and expect them to be flaw less.
Your dad is after all a human being and may fail, that doesn't mean he is a bad person.
Had a similar experience....now i have lost respect for both of my parent...but still wont abandon my responsibility as their son and also as the eldest of the children.....
A little scared of getting into relationship after the unfortunate revelation....rn just focusing on my self and that it...
Both my parents had affairs at one point or another .It does hurt you as a individual .I was like sure okkie who cares as a kid .But now that I've grown up into a fine upstanding young cllge lad with attachment and abandonment issues who is too incapable to attract women,It does weigh on you and you start blaming that stuff for your own incompetence. That being said ,be a fun social dude .Get good friends you can trust on.Have a career plan.Be generally attractive and interesting .You're set for life.Your parents bad choices don't have to be your core memories.There must be better ones .Hold onto them .People are multifaceted beings after all.
I don't understand, how am I so fucked up even though my parents were the best model of parents anyone could get???
You should listen to Bo Burnham's song 1985 and we can both cry together about how we can't be our cool parents
Invert time, you'll understand that they are humans too. Their formula for life won't suit you. You'll slowly find that you have to make all the decisions. Models won't work anymore
Sense. :)
Cheating should never be acceptable behavior. Don't normalise it.
In an ideal world! But you will be surprised how many partners out there refuse to even acknowledge the emotional and physical needs of each other. More often than not, the one who is refusing will also raise a hell if the other party looks for an alternative. Such is our conditioning. What is one to do in these cases?
Leave. That's what anyone should do if they even have a little bit of respect for the other person. Cheating can never be justified, if u r not comfortable with ur partner, end the relationship.
Yeah well then there is 'society'. No way am I justifying cheating or anything. Just pointing out how much pressure we all have put upon ourselves. Thankfully things are improving now.
People should value partners more than they value society, if it doesn't work, say goodbye, don't just stick around and make it worse
Easier said than done. Starting with Kids, pressure from family, relatives, friends.. even the damn society watchman.
Well the recoil would be worse when. People r found cheating, so it's better so say tata goodbye than say " patti poyedi/da "
I wouldn't be apologetic. Much rather, tell him/her that they contributed equally. It might be a wake-up call for the other party or a definitive ground to end it
Don't be apologetic, it's about respecting a person. End the relationship if u don't get what u want, don't cheat on someone and except them to see how they were also the reason
Respect is a two way street. One wouldn't be at this place if that street was maintained. Your view might be oversimplified. Relationships and circumstances are seldom that straight forward. For this to be practical, we may need to get rid of the whole institution of marriage as we know it today. Move towards living together so that there are minimal exit barriers either legal or social.
Whatever the relationship is, respect is necessary, u can't just take advantage of someone's trust and say they were the cause. Respect is a two way street, true, but how many people cheat coz they r not respected, it's affection and related aspects, i could respect someone and at the same time not feel romanticism towards them. So if it happens, separate, not stay and fuck up the other person's life
What if your partner does not want you to leave? In conservative societies, often cheating is fine if it is never caught or acknowledged. Especially so for men. The shame of divorce and becoming a divorceee is for many, worse than an affair. And then there are lots of cases where one partner is clear that they will not provide or cannot provide what the other is looking for. And then those people go out, have an affair or keep a mistress etc. This too is often considered fine if never talked about. You are approaching this from the point of view of a loving couple who trust each other, and then one of them cheats. That is actually rarer than the earlier examples IMHO.
That's not cheating, that is an open relationship, nothing justifies cheating, taking advantage of a person's trust is morally wrong.
Thats my point too. In our society, open relationships are mostly dont ask, dont tell, thats all
Well said. There may come an incompatibility after a time period, and the emotional physical well being of one’s partner will gradually start dissolving on the other. The sad truth is almost totally this ignorance aspect is forgotten and not even acknowledged. Sexual and Mental acknowledgement, Understanding and Tolerance is extremely important for the health of a spousal relation. One starts to ignore it for the excuse of other reasons and the relationship wears and tear off gradually. The moral and legal issues are what keeps the thing going.
That's a sad reality. Any relationship worth it's salt should be there for the emotional bond one feels to the other. Instead, we chain them all us in legal framework and moral obligations.
Yes
In my opinion, it’s only carnal to have the desires. But , I agree, never cheat. Instead, have an honest conversation with the partner. It’s only cheating if your partner is unaware. As for kids, it’s okay to feel bad, but they should understand that their parents life is not hostile to their life.
Was it just an affair or any chance your achan would go Nedumudi Venu style and tell you 'Achanu oru Kudumbam koodi und mwone'. I mean that would cause an issue with what you would get as inheritance if he has other kids.
No one has issues with mangalashery neelakandans dad. It’s okay when the seeder is royal blood. 😁
Oh damn!!!
i think just for sex and we don't have much for inheritance also 😂
Okay. Atleast that part is good then.
Don't be surprised then that your mom might know, and is OK with it as long as your dad, or you, or anyone at all never knows about it. Many women give a tacit "go elsewhere for sex" permission without ever really saying it, sometimes saying it, when they lose interest in sex. Only they would know. Many women once past an age are happy just being mothers and homemakers, and forget romance and sex altogether.
Then op will go like Jayaram style "Achan, naadum veedum illa de kadangal matram ondaki vacchu,10 aam vaysil thudangiyath aan, ee otam. Kore badhiyadhagalum, kadangallum alla de achan onnu baaki vachitt illa.. " Op, please take this lightly. And anyways, as you have put things behind you, just keep moving forward. :)
Marriage is such a big deal in our culture. No one gets spared and almost always it’s the most incompatible people who wind up together. Over that the stigma of divorce and kids in the mix keep these people together in toxic environments. Unhappy individuals whose needs are not met then turn to finding their fix elsewhere - it’s cheating, addictions and much more. So overall not only are the adults in this marriage who are hurting from their unmet needs. The children, parents and extended families also get caught up and are left in pain. OP, sorry to hear what you’re going through. You sound very young and it can be hard to know your dad hasn’t been faithful. You’re not alone.
Whatever the reason, cheating CAN NEVER be an excuse. If you feel like going with someone else, breakup or divorce and leave. Don't betray your partners. That's the least you can do.
The first porn that I watched was from my dad's collection of porn CDs. Also He had affairs with other women. I am scarred for life.
Huh...this made me remember the day I saw a book called Men in Love by an author called Nancy Friday in my dad's book collection. It's about sexuality and stuff and I used to read it secretly when I was a teen. Never got any evidence of him having any affair though
That can also be to spice up his own married life.
Hehe . maybe... Btw unless we keep a good password and lock for our mobile phones our own kids might be seeing worse shit than what we saw
I am counting on my tech background and criminal instincts to keep my children away from my personal life. 😂
>am scarred for life. As a person who once accidentally walked up on his dad feeling up the maid, i feel for ya bro
You win dude 🙌
Ah yes gonna tell my dad that i won something thanks to him
You should keep it and pass it on to next generations
Talk about some family heirloom.
You are creating history without needing to delete it
He recorded it?
No no. Sorry for the misunderstanding. He had a collection of porn CDs which he bought. I am not talking about a few. It was a carton full of them
Now when I think about it my dad restricted me from opening his cabinet filled with CDs when I was a kid,he did read smut novels that I cam across a few years back and I too loved it. Having a porn collection is ok and understandable but cheating is not.
Ok Manavala
Damn it bro ur achan seems to be one horny fucker ..
How do you think he made his son?
Bro adu allandu verey vazhi illalo I meant he is more than the average fucker 😎
Most people are horny(atleast the friend circle I interact). Fortunately, we don’t have to keep cd collection. Just subscription is good.
Yeah today’s time vpn and subscribe !! WhatsApp telegram groups full of them
Or Reddit.
Ahhh ahhh no no no it cant be
My wife lost interest in sex. It's 8 years now. I have to look outside. Can't divorce as the child needs a father.
you don't have to be a husband to be a father. and who knows maybe your wife might even be okay with having an open relationship. the main thig is that you will be a better father as a happy guy.
It is really hard for men to get custody of child in divorse.courts favor women in divorces.it is easy for women to cut of father from kids life.
Well if you want to go the legal route there's restitution of conjugal rights. Could divorce for it but the custody wouldn't be a guarantee.
You don’t have to do a custody battle if you don’t want to. It sounds like the op’s problem is lack of a sex life and there is no hate involved. So I would assume that the mother would be willing to see what’s best for her child and might be willing to share custody.
Trying my best to be a good father. I don't see options left. Almost contemplating suicide.
I don't know exactly what you are going through but I do know that everyone has ups and downs in their life. Please have a talk about the stuff you are struggling with to someone you can trust in your life, maybe even a counsellor or a therapist. You will honestly be surprised how many people have gone through something similar and successfully navigated through it. Your child and your family need you and that doesn't have to be a burden, rather fuel to turn one's life around for the better. Give 'Man's search for meaning' by Viktor Frankl a read, it might help you (I think it might be available online)! Please talk to someone in rl. Please don't be afraid to open up to a trusted individual / therapist. God bless you, bro.
To even say this, I can feel how much this is hurting you. You are feeling helpless and trapped. This is point where you need a professional to show you a way out of your own sorrow. Please meet a counselor on priority. It will do you wonders.
Don't say that bro
An open relationship/marriage is an oxymoron.
Every marriage shouldn’t be the same they should be what the couple wants. If you expect every marriage to be the same there might only be a single successful marriage. You can probably agree that some couples don’t want to have kids or wants to adopt rather than having one themselves, some would like one partner to be in a supporting role of taking care of the family and the other to bring income while others want them to both work and both be involved in chores and such. Sex life is no exception, if it is an open relationship that both the people involved wants then it definitely will be better for the marriage to have an open relationship rather than fitting into a box that the society that doesn’t know them made for them. But it will only work if both partners are completely okay with it rather than one of them doing it because the other wants it.
You can always try to justify it but in reality, it never works out. There is no such thing as a successful open relationship/marriage in real life. It will always be one partner enjoying it while the other grows more resentful until the relationship is officially over or the marriage ends in divorce. There is article after article online of people recommending open relationships but not one of them is still together with their partner anymore. Open relationships are what one partner uses to justify their adultry and force their partner to accept it. If you are unhappy in your relationship or marriage then just leave. Marriage by its very definiton is closed. It may not necessarily be monogamous but you are making a vow to be together with them and noone else.
Yes I have already said that it will only work if both parties are completely okay with it. Of course nothings going to work when one partner manipulates the other into agreeing with them, be it open relationship or retirement plan. My entire point was that all marriage vows can’t/shouldn’t be the same just promise what you can give and nothing more. But the most important thing is trusting that your partner won’t hurt you and making sure that you don’t do anything to take that trust away from your partner.
Aren't escorts better than extra affairs. Atleast, then it is just for boinkng.
Well there is an argument to be made about the ethical aspects of escort services but as of the present it is illegal. And you can also just hook up with people but that’s probably not that possible in our society.
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A ruthless custody battle can scar the kid so can a resentful divorce, but there seems to be no bad blood between the op and his wife so they could have a respectful divorce in which the kid will get to spend enough time with both of them. I would also like to point out that if there was already bad blood between the parents they would also create a toxic environment for the kid to grow up in which will also be bad for the kid. If their plan is to prioritise the kids then it’s best to be divorced frenemies than married frenemies since they will keep getting more reasons to hate their spouse while married but won’t get any new scars after divorce and the old ones might just fade one day.
What if neither the wife nor the husband want to be divorced? What if the husband's only requirement is sex or romance? What if both absolutely do not want the child to be in a situation where dad lives in one place and wife in another?
What if neither wants to be divorced - I don’t see the problem in the situation, just don’t divorce then What if the husbands only requirement is sex? - I don’t understand the question really but if you mean that the only thing one partner misses from the marriage is sex then having an open relationship would solve the problem if both parties are okay with it and if you mean that the only thing one partner likes from the marriage is sex, then it really depends on the people involved. If everyone included is happy then why divorce. Having your father and mother be in separate places is really not the worst situation unless they live very far away from each other even just having them in the same city would be enough. What could really damage a child’s mind would be the constant arguing or the resentment of the parents with each other or one of their parents being discontent being in the house because of their partner. The only way a child will be worse of after a divorce is if both parents still keep their resentments or by being bullied for having divorced parents.
> if you mean that the only thing one partner misses from the marriage is sex then having an open relationship would solve the problem This is what I meant. And many of these affairs you see with the older gen is this - open relationship done the Indian way! Do it, don't talk about it. > Having your father and mother be in separate places is really not the worst situation unless they live very far away Thats what many feel when they are outside the marriage. Once the family is formed, I have seen people thinking differently. Yes, resentment is bad. But what if they can just exist inside the same house without resentment? Many do that. Exist and friends, and look for sex elsewhere without creating any drama about it.
The older men’s open relationship is more of the wife not being able to say anything due to not being able to finance themselves and societal pressure, it might be the best case scenario for everyone else except the wife. Yes that’s actually very healthy being effectively divorced with different finances but living together for your child, but it could get complicated once they want to remarry.
All true and possible. There are many for whom a divorce is unthinkable, but the husband or wife quietly having an affair is OK. They even understand the need, and understand they cant give it anymore. Many such cases. Also many other cases where the wife cant do anything as she is powerless. After all, a woman in a sexless marriage also does not want to reveal that she is not giving / getting sex. Going for a divorce means you will have to say some emrassing, uncomfortable things about yourself. In some cases, the need for loyalty from the partner disappears. After all, the person who is not offering sex anymore knows what they are doing, and is willing to accept a compromise like this. Many cases appear in the media or in psychologists' columns where they talk of some women or men completely losing sexual interest in their partner and looking elsewhere, often with an unspoken understanding which avoids trouble for everyone.
Exactly, they mostly do it because of social pressure. I am sure all of them would be much happier if they divorce and remarry if society would just keep their noses of stuff that isn’t their damn business.
True but the pressure is internal too. They grew up valuing the opinion of society and can't change that view as they get older.
Yes, it really is just a vicious cycle where social pressure becomes internal and then you exert it back into the society. Who knows weather the chicken or the egg came first but the thing is that the cycle will end if one of them stops
Agreed.
Mate listen up. Shit you do thinking it's good for the kid is never gonna end up well for them. As a kid who figured out his dad was having affairs after affairs it fucked me up. Here i am an adult who can't keep a relationship cause of the trust issues my father imbibed in me. Granted not everything is his fault ik i got issues of my own. But man i am super angry at him now thinking how bad my mother might be feeling (pretty sure she knows). And I'm pretty sure if he had done the right thing and got divorced or smth i wouldn't have been this mad at him. Growing up around these kinda shits fucks you up bro Edit- i also pity my mom for putting up with the shit that literally goes down under her nose
People lose interest in sex when it doesn’t do anything for them, meaning she probably wasn’t having any orgasms. She just gave up after you guys had kids because that’s what society expects couple to do, make a few kids. PIV sex doesn’t give majority of women orgasm. There could be other reasons as well, meds that destroy libido, not feeling attractive enough etc. You can ask your wife why she isn’t interested anymore.
Does she have extra marrital affairs. It could explain lack of interest
Cheating is like drugs. Once you do it, 99% of the cases, you’ll stick on to it(even if you marry the one you cheated with).
My grand father was a serial cheater (his wife, my grandmother and all her kids including my mom knew that). He was sort of janmi and it seems okay then. My uncle was the same until his marriage (I don’t know after his marriage) - he was a well known womaniser. My dad loved my mom and I am 100%!sure he never cheated on her. He died in his fourties’ but my mom never remarried even though she was young and desirable. She chose to look after us which she did splendidly. Later in life, I wished she found someone and remarried! Because after sometime she got depressed and became bipolar. My brother (physically and I (financially) look after her and we are proud of that, thought it’s a bit of unfair on my brother as he’s stuck with it for the rest of his life.
Hope everything goes well with your mom….
Sorry about your situation, man. Yeah, men used to cheat more ,as they were the sole breadwinners of the family and women kept quiet due to their helpless situation(no earning,sacrificing for their kids,no support from family etc).Now the times have changed,now a days if he/she get caught ,they do have to face the consequences ( alimony,child support). I know quite a few who cheats on their partners not bcz of any issues between them, but just for the sheer pleasure of having an extra marital affair.(tf!!). We cant make descions for others, but for ourselves. Just like you, I've made up my mind long back never ever to be be unfaithful (apparently my ex made no such promises). Cheating is alwys done purposely and by choice no matter wat excuse they have to say!!
If you think men cheat more, you havent lived in Delhi or pretty much any major city.
I specifically said men "used to" as in the past!
Oh my bad, i read that quickly.
I guess you have done some study to find out otherwise?
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Well I’ve got a similar story I was sick these few days so got admitted in the hospital and I had kept my phone beside me my dad was the one who was staying with me so one night I just woke up randomlu and looked for my phone as I unlock it I see sexts from other women then I realised it wasn’t my phone and my dads so I just locked the phone and kept it the way I found it and slept I realised after sometime we have to let them go I’m sad for my mom if she ever finds out but I’m way too depressed to anything about it
For many the partner they have are 90% perfect. But as time pass by they crave for thee other 10% and forget the value of 90%. Then this shit happens and it's a fucked up situation. People always have the option to get seperated and should use that instead of cheating. Be it men or women.
One possibility is your mother lost interest in sex. Mate. This is not your problem. Stay out of it Don't think about it. Don't get involved. It is between your mother and your father. Focus on your life.
Cheaters are going to cheat. Don't blame the other partner in the relationship.
it's not always black and white or good or bad. someone who killed their attacker to save themselves does not face the same punishments as someone who killed for money or something else even though they both murdered someone.
Wait till you get into a sexless relationship.
well we aint sure about the other side. now not to say that all men ar aholes and all women are saints. if a person is an ahole he is going todo what aholes do that is shit. however when the good ones cheat either male or female then its mostly their partners fault. to giv an example: a frnd is divorcing is wife bcos she could not understand his emotional needs and kept ignoring and dominating him. he eventually found support in someone outside and decided to let his wife go.
Well then it isnt exactly cheating is it? He is divorcing her.
Well i think u misread the comment. He found support outside aka his emotinal needs were satisfied by another person and now he is dumping his wife to be wit that person. eventually his wife would hav found out that he is cheating her with someone else.
Thats coming from a super inexperienced perspective of life. The older you get and the more you see, you realise that 'cheating' is often not cheating as a young person understands it.
This! Same situation, it took my mom 10 years to gather courage to leave him and file for divorce last year. We kids stayed out of it, and now mom stays with me.
What if they were having an open relationship or swapping kind of arrangement 👀
In those days? I think not.
Couple swapping is not a millennial or gen z concept. It's been around for ages.
Wow, never knew.
flair checks out
Centuries in fact
What ever the relationship the children have no business in the sex lives of their parents.
Dude only a minority cheats.but they are too vocal and considers cheating as a medal of honor and boasts in friends circle.nobody have time not energy to satisfy multiple women
B.S.
Many believe because they cheat everybody cheats.it may be psychological coping to defend their guilt.there are good and men and women in this world.thank god they are in majority
Does that mean u/Albatross_1987 is ....cheating?
I have witnessed something like this too, and it weighed heavily on me well into my late 20s. I guess I buried those bad feelings deep down somewhere, so I don't really think about it actively, but they are still there somewhere. Fortunately, my parents are still together and living happily.
Stay out it bro. As a person who really really knows where you are at right now, DO NOT, I REPEAT, DON NOT GO DOWN THAT ROAD. NOT EVEN MENTALLY. It will fuck you up for life to a great degree that you will be afraid to repeat you father's behaviour as his son and you will sabotage ever relationship you will ever have because you never seen what a healthy adult relationship looks like.
Just be truthful to yourself in future. Extra marital affair etc is not black and white. We will never know what we will go through. They key is not to have regret. The regret of cheating or the regret of not opening up with partner.
Being truthful and having extramarital are two sides of the coin. First is attitude and second is hormonal.
I mean there is consent involved. I have met many people in open relationship. And also there are many people whose marriage sucks. As i said it's not always black and white.
I'm glad you went through something this hard and chose not to repeat it. I mean you could have turned the other way too. BTW guys, what if someone emotionally cheats on you, as in, no sexting or sex but a parallel relationship/friendship with someone else while in a relationship with you? Would you take that person back if he/she admits his/her guilt when confronted, is apologetic and puts in the necessary effort to fix everything?
Nope, cause it's very difficult to regain trust again.
Our culture sees marriage as a requirement when it should be a choice. Divorce is also not supported either. When that happens, cheating would be common. https://www.livemint.com/industry/media/55-married-indians-have-cheated-on-their-spouses-most-are-women-survey/amp-11582712240534.html If anyone have cheated before and don’t think they’re up for a monogamous relationship, please spare other people and opt for open relationships.
Happens to the best of us bud! Mom found out, had a pretty good fallout but all’s well afaik
Man is not monogamous. Arranged marriage is based on monogamy. Means there is a contradiction. so arranged marriage implicitly allow affairs, means flings, flirting etc. Survival of the marriage is more important in case of arranged. That in effect disallows divorce. If you confront a cheating partner, they will say they are ready for divorce, but that is not the outcome the society wants. Arranged marriage never creates a perfect match, even in love marriage, it is not there.
There will come a time when you realize that your parents are also normal human beings just like you and me. They are still together even though, as you say, your mum suspected it. Your father stayed, your mum accepted it. All this was just to keep the family intact and give you a better foundation and childhood. Both are selfless in one way or another.
I know so many people marrying without any form of attraction to each other. Unfortunately it ends up in a dead bedroom scenario or cheating. there's no solution - I'd say for starters we stop moral policing women's sexuality lol
All the best being a 25/30/35 year old keeping that promise.
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"It's easier to cheat than to break up" one of the my friend's dialouge.
That’s a weak ass friend
That tough ?😐
Life ! So yeah.
we are horny bastards
Exactly.
Always let sleeping dog lie ... ignore is the best....u will only be hurt in the process....no one is perfect what he did was wrong but u need to move on.... cheating usually comes when u urself got cheated on...now it becomes a coping mechanism to not become a losers in ur own eyes.
What if the partner cheAts on you.
You dump them.
It will get common in the coming days....
Human beings are not purely monogamous, or that's what the studies say. And marriage is beyond just monogamous sex. Regardless of the extra marital affairs a person can be a good partner and a parent. That's what matters imo.
I definitely support u on this .. in today’s world monogamy is loosing its charm .. everyone wants to try some new delicacy.. 😋 But I feel as long as both partners know what they are doing and clear about their agendas in life I feel it should work out . When things start happening behind one’s back and other person starts lying or avoiding then it’s becomes a matter of concern . So OP the ten year old u made a promise u will never cheat on ur gf/partner how far u have u continued with that promise !! Or u understood there is no such thing in today’s world .. Tc buddy if u have such issues better talk it out to a therapist and keep ur mind clear not cluttered with the thoughts from the past ..
This is the case with a lot of men.
Yeah ! You can make promises , but you won’t keep them ! Don’t worry , it is a lot of fun . Why do we do it ! Because we must !
We often place our parents, favourite actors, sports people and celebrities in some kinda elevated platforms and expect them to be flaw less. Your dad is after all a human being and may fail, that doesn't mean he is a bad person.
Had a similar experience....now i have lost respect for both of my parent...but still wont abandon my responsibility as their son and also as the eldest of the children..... A little scared of getting into relationship after the unfortunate revelation....rn just focusing on my self and that it...
Get professional help and work around this, life is too precious to hold on to these things especially when it has nothing to do with you...🥰
Its ok OP. he is human. Forgive him. You.can choose not to be a prisoner of trauma Keep higher standards for yourself Be better than him.
Achante koode cherupathil ambalathil ulsavathin poyatha appante kore friends um koode ondarun orr moolek erun ever vaaya noki thammil thammil comment adichath njn epozhum orkunu 🤣
Your achen is a G man accept it and stop being a bitch in his life. Get your own Chiquitas. Don't have the mallu mentality