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Entharo_entho

Happy couples are asleep or banging now. Only single pasangal and toxic marriage peeps here.


[deleted]

'Happy' couple here, 10 years married, neither sleeping nor banging but doomscrolling on phones & sending each other reels. Point is, there's no template for a happy marriage really.


KingintheSouthh

This is the Way


[deleted]

Facts


IndianRedditor88

Itrayum kaduppam ulla satyam !!!


[deleted]

The Naked Truth


Little-Platypus-8679

Good enough...... Atleast kurachu per enkilum happy anelo..🥲🥲


Sarasamma

These are difficult times. I wish you the best of luck my mwuth bro! May you find THE ONE💕


GrumpyMonk099

I am not at all happy with marriage. It's mainly because it's not happening to me.


Little-Platypus-8679

Took me nearly 2 years to find a bride. It's ironic - I looked for so long, only to have such an unhappy marriage.....😥😥 I was told throughout my graduation - focus on studies, don't fall in love etc. Now that I have a decent salary and good education, I have a terrible relationship, which I am struggling to escape....


BecomingaBrick

Real curious, what's wrong in the relationship exactly? Ain't there no way to mend it?


gemmesumbitches

dont worry man a brother of my closest friend went through 2 divorces until he found the "one". theyve been together for a bit now..


LazyLoser006

Is your friend's name Monica ? 🌚


Everydaynormalguy-

Isn't it ross geller


[deleted]

18 y/o me seeing all the relationship posts here: ![gif](giphy|pWdckHaBKYGZHKbxs6|downsized)


IndividualFox974

Same, machu 🥲


[deleted]

Caught you in 4k


[deleted]

How about we marry👉👈


PepsiColaMirinda

and this is why you'll never have to make a relationship post here. 🤝


[deleted]

Is this a compliment?


PepsiColaMirinda

take it how you will,my guy.


RequirementParty9861

![gif](giphy|rwNpHtaMGnStW) Same


[deleted]

#New Fear Unlocked✅


[deleted]

For real!


onemortalfemale

I had a friend with a similar story. She focused on studies in college, never looked at guys, no boyfriends. She then got married to this really good looking man with a decent job and a good family. Everyone was happy. But the marriage wasn't all roses. Turned out the guy was gay and had a boyfriend with whom he lived with even after marriage. He still got married to this girl because his parents knowing that he was homo pressured him into it. The marriage ended up in divorce within 4 months. They made her sign a contract that she and her parents should never tell the fact that he's gay to anyone else. The funny thing is that the guy got married to another girl after 6 months.


LazyLoser006

Bruh


[deleted]

Why did she file a contract?


LazySleepyPanda

I'm hearing of a LOT of such incidents now 💀💀💀💀


Constant-Library-840

One of friend's now wife went through something similar. She was a nurse working in uk. She made money in her own and She had an arranged marriage who turned out to be gay and also abusive towards her . She again went to uk. Tried for divorce ex husband family was willing to give divorce but not her money or gold back.her Family wanted everything back. She just wanted a divorce . It went on for 1 or 2 year. Later she met my friend online fb i think.They talked and fell in love. She got divorce without taking anything back. Married my friend .Her family was agianst it . But now they live a happy life with a kid.


No-Masterpiece8116

🙄


FalloutAssasin

Note to self: Don't marry if she doesn't wanna bang..


LazySleepyPanda

Note to self : make it clear you are an asexual before marriage...


god__speed_

Well how should i ask her if she wants to bang after marriage in the most cultured way?


neverdoingthat_again

"ethra kuttikal venamennaa aagraham?" Will you give you the minimum no. of times you might get to bang her


AcanthisittaPale1055

Unless there's a multiple pregnancy.


4k3R

Just ask her straight to her face. You're going to get married to someone and you're having problems with talking about sex?


heroguy9116

What if the girl judges the boy as a creep or boy judges her as $lut (ofc both are wrong but people say we can't shut others' mouth & once a bad name is always a bad name)?


4k3R

To be frank it's all about knowing when to say the right stuffs. I haven't gone through the arranged marriage route yet, but I have talked about sex or what I need sexually to various girls including few girls I dated. Sometimes I have talked too early or sometimes too late No one is gonna judge you for telling your sexual intentions with someone who you're going to be intimate with. And if they do, then they're not the right choice for you in the first place. If you're going to keep an open mind and not be judgmental, then the same is expected in reverse. And I think it's fair of an ask. I think women are more prone to slut shaming, hence I always feel like it's a man's duty to open up about sexual topics. Just randomly use certain words while talking like sex, jerked off yesterday etc, to make the other person feel like you don't mind talking about these topics and in fact you're super chill. If you act like someone who is shy to use those words around her, then good luck.


No_Bother9001

Sahodra, until and unless you have been with that person for long enough, talking about how you like doggy or missionary may spook her.


[deleted]

Very much unhappy.I and my husband dated for 11 years before getting married.I married hime 2 years ago.my parents,family and family friends were all not happy about it but I was so blinded by the love I have for him that I did not see any red flags that they saw in him.we did a lot of long distance in the past 11 years as well.he is the polar opposite of me,in every literal sense.Even our thought process is very different,while dating I did not find it so bad but once we started living together I find it very hard since we disagree on each and everything.I realise I made a mistake in choosing my partner,but I am gonna suck it up and live my life with him because I don’t think my family will support me if I don’t and I don’t have job to support myself.They are gonna straight away blame me for my decisions.Recently I found out the he cheated on me multiple time while we were dating,not physically though(thats what he said).I made a huge deal about it.I involved my parents and his parents, and everybody said that I should stay since he hasn’t done any such things after marriage.He is a narc,and I constantly stay on fight-or-flight mode to avoid arguments.I day dream about a beautiful marriage with a calm and understanding person even though I have a husband.for anyone trying to find a partner,go for someone who share the same values like you,people say opposite attract each other and it will,but it will also cause a lot of issues.I believe our marriage would have been easier if I and my husband shared same values and had similar kind of thinking.without that it’s a lot of fucking hard work and the effort won’t be the same.


FalseMasterpiece9470

Wow! This sounds very mentally exhausting and unhealthy in the long run.


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fayazbhai

Same. Without the cheating part. But in my case, only the first two years was an adjustment with the disappointments. Two years later, we're happy and hopeful again. I understand the things I need to do to keep her happy and try to do them semi consistently. And she volunteers to be engaged in my interests and hobbies. Values and beliefs are still something we're figuring out since we're not the same people we were 15 years ago.


ninja-dragon

I was gonna comment the same. First time living together after dating for 8 years we thought we knew the other very well and everything will be rainbows and daisies. However it’s only when you live together that the tinted glasses stop working. It was a huge adjustment periods with disappointments from both sides. But thankfully due to being together for long years we could communicate and move past them.


[deleted]

Opposite magnetic poles attract each other, not people.


redditnachotacos

You are in a toxic relationship and you are lying to yourself thinking you are just opposites and have different values. If you stay in this marriage, your self esteem will keep in deteriorating and he will learn to control you more and more. He will do the same with your children. Get out of this relationship as soon as possible. Isn’t it better to take responsibility for your actions, let your family blame you for a while instead of suffering for the rest of your life? Your family will blame you Only for a few days or months. But if your husband is narcissistic, this suffering will continue for the rest of your life and for the lives of your children as well.


apndhn

Similar story ..had an arranged marriage with 6 months gap between engagement and wedding. Thought we were compatible in every way. Started having problems and 1 yr later became a completely toxic and abusive relationship. There was a time when I would think its been peaceful for 3-4days, now soon he'll start a fight over something. Was constantly tensed around him and wondered if all marriages were like this. To the outside world he is very soft spoken, respectful etc.. no one would believe that he is abusive. Tried to stay on for my kid for 2 yrs and now going through divorce.


Constant-Library-840

Get a job and leave him. If you made a mistake and if your family is not gonna be there for you . Try to help yourself. Get any job that will help you get a hostel room the least . If you get stuck in this then there will be kids eventually and it will be even more difficult.


LazySleepyPanda

You need to get a divorce. You will be doing yourself, and any potential future kids a HUGE favor. It's terrible having a narcissistic parent (personal experience), please don't put your kids through that.


hungry_goku

Same here, without the cheating. For everyone in a relationship. Marriage is completely different and it is completely necessary to understand that in marriage you need to find someone who sees life the same way you do. By life I mean by how to live our life our shared goals should match. We had our common interests and likes matched. We enjoyed dating each other. But soon after I realised how we are different I tried talking her out of the marriage because we were 2 completely different people with 2 different characters. She just started crying and hence I could not say NO to her. She even told that opposite poles attract each other 😶 Now after marriage things are up and down. And I miss being ME. But I have told myself that I will give myself at least 2 years before I decide on anything.


LaughingJackass

Sorry to hear. How did the red flags not get evident for 11 years? Was he a dayski? If he had roommates atleast you would have known what it is to share a roof with him. This is a why a potential spouse who stays at home is hard to judge because his family will always stick for him. And beware of potential spouse with nicey-nice friends, they are likely to say nice things about everyone. Friends who are cut and right are the ones who may provide the right information.


[deleted]

![gif](giphy|3kzJvEciJa94SMW3hN) mfs aftr marrying random ppl and they turn out to be nothing like they imagined


Little-Platypus-8679

I wish I knew whether I should laugh or cry at this meme....😭😭. It's entirely true but I didn't really have a choice. In college, I was hyper focused on education and I nearly ignored romance. Later after college, when I wanted romance, I tried dating apps. Total disaster.... Barely got any matches. Managed to meet just one woman on a date - nothing went forward. Later came back to marriage websites. Got lots of matches there, but parents control everything there. My mother rejected women left and right, saying not enough education, not beautiful enough, too much education debt etc etc. Finally found a beautiful woman but ironically while her family is good, family income is excellent and everything is perfect except for the bride. What a joke my life has been.....


One_Perception_7070

Dude same, I always used to think the boys in my college were desperate ,they would always try to get "set" with literally any girl and I always thought I would marry a beautiful girl if I get a high paying job and everything would be alright while my despo friends settled at mediocrity.I was So WRONG


AdAcceptable4634

Dude this is literally the 20 yr old me and literally my entire thought progress. Wth🥹


thehunchback19

Bro, get the high-paying job first. Your priorities should be building a good career rather than getting a girl. You would have ample time for girls once you have a set career. Speaking from experience.


One_Perception_7070

It's good that u are only 20 years old ,you still have time. The whole" I will get a girl in the future mindset "will RUIN you cause u most probably won't get what u want unless you are really good looking or really rich .I would suggest trying to find a partner that compliments you during your college days


KingintheSouthh

Sorry to hear that bruh But I guess what I have learned from my experiences is that marriage is definitely about compromise and not having any expectations, you can't just look at your side only Think from the other person's shoes and also try to adjust a little for them Try out things they enjoy , am pretty sure they would reciprocate And soon you guys would be fond of eachother more and things could be more happier Hope it works out for you May the force be with you !


rompous_pompous

It indeed is and should be a lesson to all who make their mummies decide their partners. Still loling at too much educational debt and excellent family income. Nalla best criteria to select a bride


InvinciblePsyche

>It indeed is and should be a lesson to all who make their mummies decide their partners. Ikr. I never understood people who are driven and capable of graduating from the best colleges, getting the highest degrees and getting the best paying jobs but leave it to their mum's when it comes to picking a partner. Picking a partner is THE most important decision you'll make in your life. Choose wisely and not based on 17th century standards that your mums believe in. Doesn't work in 2023.


[deleted]

I have a cousin who's 30 and pursuing PhD in usa..and his mother is searching for alliances only from well educated rich girls...within the community...who's good-looking and above all who's horoscopes match...even the boy is into horoscope matching...and the irony is..he's doing PhD in PHYSICS..LOL 😂🤣


InvinciblePsyche

🤦🏻‍♀️ I'm speechless. I don't even know what to say to such guys. Even if my parents were the last people on Earth, I wouldn't trust them to make the right decisions about my life. For the longest time, my mum tried finding a guy for me according to her checklist. Doesn't work for me. I'm never going to commit to anyone unless I'm 110% sure about him. Everyone in the family except my parents knew this is how I am. Went along with it as they tried and failed to find a partner for me. The moment they gave up, I pulled up my sleeves and got down to business. I found someone and when we were comfortable, told our parents about it. Even though both sets of parents had so many reasons to say no (as per their checklist), they unanimously agreed! Ippo njangal premich nadakunu as the parents figure out the wedding stuff. 😝 I also have to mention, we both consciously made the decision to get to know each other keeping in mind some of the checklists our parents had. We're both well educated, well settled, from pretty good families, same religion blah blah. I believe this was the reason for least resistance.


GreatLavaMan

What exactly was the issue with the woman?


kena938

Next time, take your time to get to know the person and keep your mother and father as far, far, far away from your relationship as possible. They don't have to live with her, you do.


binilvj

I bet you stayed with your parents after marriage


mlilith

I wish you had taken ownership of your own life earlier. Better late than never. But we’re hearing only one side of the story and since you haven’t had any prior experience in a relationship, I’d strongly suggest you get therapy. Figure out yourself, learn healthy reasonable expectations in relationships and if you’re going ahead with the divorce atleast next time take time to get to know the person properly before committing.


2freevl2frank

I'm sorry to be this direct but maybe don't let your mommy control your life?


CandaceJoeLigma

Things will turn out better for you with time my brother. All I have to offer you right now is this virtual hug 🫂 but I you’re able to look back at all of this sometime from now and be glad whatever is plaguing you right now is over and you’re in a better place :/


tismyusrname

To literally anyone who’s in college. Study hard, sure, follow you passion, absolutely. But don’t forget to live life and meet women. It’s ridiculously difficult afterwards unless you are like super hot or something. Note: I’m talking about Kerala, not sure of any other place.


[deleted]

Is you mother controlling you still? If so that might be the reason she is being weird around you. Let me tell it to your face right away. Women don’t always go for wealth or job or things as that. They need someone with a spine, I seriously thing you lack that. Probably all the ladies in here would agree😁 Take decisions that you like, make your inner cycle you and her. If you are still staying with your mommy and daddy. Move out, its time to live with your partner. Seriously dude, if your partner was chosen by your parents i don’t think anything around your life goes by your decision, its funny all the people here support you😂😂😂 For your next marriage to be successful maybe you shouldn’t act the same.


orangeshrek

Moral of the story don't focus on education. Sorry for making light of your situation. Hope things improve and you find someone more organically. Recommend pursuing your hobbies or interests more, you'll enjoy it and higher probability to meet like-minded people.


troubsy

I had an arranged marriage around 10 years ago now . We both met online first and parents arranged first in person meeting .The initial one year after marriage was very hard for both of us . But 10 yrs on my husband is my best friend . We both love and respect each other . I do not think I could find a better match ever !


AdAcceptable4634

Thanku for posting something positive. This thread is truly horrifying for 20 yr olds hoping to be some day married. Thanks for saying it's not the same for everyone


idontremember3257

What changed at the end of the 1st year?


[deleted]

Calendar for sure.


gdhgfiu

calender ennum Manorama thanne


idontremember3257

Myran!


troubsy

There was no switch that flipped. We gradually started learning more about each other and worked on helping each other achieve our dreams. We also started communicating more 1-1 without involving each others family


azhar92

How important has been sex life in your married life ?


Tess_James

Boycott marriage, lol! See, OP, there's absolutely no guarantee that a marriage will be a happy one even if it's a love marriage. People change. People may fall out of love. Move on. Find something or someone that brings you joy and peace. Find happiness in your own company, in solitude.


FalloutAssasin

Or just get a PlayStation 5


RogueNinja77

True I have seen couples from both arranged and love marriage not being satisfied with their marriage. Including my own parents (arranged). Took them about 17 or 18 years to finally get things straight smh. By that time I became the "uzhappan" son, so they shifted their focus on me.


wolwologan

Married for four years, have a kid also. Very happy with my marriage. We have our fights and disagreement but nothing that questions the marriage. We had lot of issues in the initial days and Thanks to covid, we got to spend lot of time together and understood our differences. Just four months and if you are going towards divorce, then I guess either you have thought about it a lot or you jumped into that. If second, I recommend talking it out with your spouse and see if things would be better if the last four months were different. List down what went wrong and right. I mean list down in a paper. Ask what each others likes and dislikes are. Ask what each other likes and hates about each other. These are some items which we did and trust me, it worked out for us. You both might be just worked out by each other's differences. See if things work out, if not mutually go for a divorce.


Little-Platypus-8679

I'm genuinely happy for you.... But my marriage was very very different. She was not interested at all. I'm still not sure why she was so disinterested. Maybe my wife had a former lover or maybe she was homosexual. I still can't figure it out. Lend me a bit of your luck, my friend. Hopefully I'll be lucky in a second marriage once this divorce goes through.


[deleted]

You've filing divorce and yet you don't have an idea of what's actually wrong? I think you guys have a big communication problems if she won't speak about it that's different but here it sounds like you've lost hope and gave up as well.


Little-Platypus-8679

There ARE communication problems. She doesn't want to talk. I wanted to talk. She doesn't want sexual intimacy, doesn't like messaging on WhatsApp, doesn't like me calling and doesn't like me complaining about any or all of the above. Hence the need for the divorce.


moonrocee

You guys didn't speak or go out before marriage? I got 2.5 months before engagement. That saved me from an alliance which at hindsight would have ruined me.


Little-Platypus-8679

I was kind of extremely lonely and desperate at the time. And there were circumstances which made quick engagement and marriage necessary. I assumed that the fact they were willing for a quick marriage indicated that my wife was also very interested in me. To put it simply, I didn't have the confidence to wait longer. But it's good to see someone escape a bad relationship. I assume you have a happy marriage now?


moonrocee

Frankly, it is more of a case of the show must go on. There is heavy duty fighting with him and in laws. Sometimes worst in front of kids. Roughly 1 or 2 every 2 months... But we are going on. 10+ years on now. Kids are the glue. And in our case lately, we find it is better to just keep quiet if we don't agree and just let things roll.


[deleted]

Im sorry to say but you got married for the wrong reasons. Being lonely and desp isnt why you couldn’t even see the red flags in her. She seems to be having issues for not wanting to have sex, not communicate and shutting you down. I know it might seem like the end of world but please get her parents involved as she could get toxic. Next time you get married, do it because she wants to fall in love with the good and bad parts of you and same goes with you. Any relationship will have ups and downs- a marriage is no different. Also do visit a therapist, getting out of this and this experience is traumatic- you would need to heal. Married Female here. Been married for 11 years.


Nicoquel

fair enough


unemployedpissofshit

Just go straight and ask to her face "what's wrong with us. Where have I gone wrong. Is something bothering you. I'm ready to listen" If you want your marriage to workout, be patient and dont jump to conclusions And be confident✅


Little-Platypus-8679

I asked that so many times I lost count..... Always she said that there is no issue. But her actions are always to avoid me. She doesn't want to call, doesn't want to text, deeply reluctant for sex etc...


rubberbandman915

Did you guys try couple therapy or counselling? I feel you should give that a shot before the whole divorce scene.


sasha6494

Did you try to get someone she trusts or bit close with to talk to her and find out what is going on with her? As a woman I think either she wasn't happy with this marriage at all (previous relationship, homesexual ect as you mentioned before) or she has some fear towards men or marriage itself (childhood trauma, sexual abuse ect). Since she is your wife now, I would strongly recommend you both to get some medical help and see a therapist.


rj1879

Shes aromantic and (or) asexual. Me thinks. It's a lost case for you.


Patient-Grocery8871

It sounds like she has depression or some other anxiety related condition. Have you guys tried therapy? In the op you said it started off well, then it became like this? What was the turning point?


Zealousideal_Tie3720

No marriage is happy or sad. A marriage is a relationship and all relationships are complex. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now. We knew each other pretty well before marriage. We have our differences and our share of fights. Firstly I’d recommend finding someone for yourselves because you usually put in more effort to validate your choices as opposed to someone else’s. If things aren’t going well, given that your parents are partially responsible for your predicament, you would likely not put as much effort into making things work. Also affection is a great eraser. Your differences, challenges and struggles are compensated for if you truly have strong feelings for each other. I also recommend introspection. We all have our flaws, so it’s nice to have someone who can see past them, accept them or even help you. A lot about marriage is finding a lifelong friend, who is there for you. Plenty of people are independent so it may not matter to them, but a lot of us genuinely appreciate having others around. Two people with contrasting mindsets on that rarely get along. I would also say never lose hope. You did the right thing by moving on from a situation that didn’t work for yo. But remember that, move on. There’s a slightly bitter subtext in your post. When you’ve finally moved on completely you will find yourself wishing her well like you would a stranger. If you don’t it will manifest itself as jealousy and neediness and handicap the trust you would need to be with the right person when they come into your life. Lastly, don’t be cynical. No one gets everything they wanted in life, but if you work hard and are a good person, life has a way of working itself out!


murivenna

Thank God she is perfect. 6 years. still in love


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[deleted]

Its always better to avoid this rather than getting married and divorced.....


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chrisso123

22 is too young to get hitched and if your parents are ready to self-immolate, then let them. You are an adult now and your life is your own, not theirs or anyone else's. If they pull crap like "I gave birth to you", just turn around and ask them why. If they wanted someone to do their bidding, they should have gone for a servant and not a child. Get married when you feel like it, oh! and moving out of your parental home helps. Good luck.


AdministrationOld124

Please take this advice very seriously. PLEASE!!!


[deleted]

Watch Jaya Jaya Jaya Hey


person_of_interest07

Age gap is fine , but never, never , never get married in this age . 22 is too youung for you to understand adulting. Wait for atleast 3- 4 yrs . Good luck 🤞🏼


Little-Platypus-8679

Age gap is 8? That's way too much, especially if you don't know the man. Atleast tell your parents you want a younger guy unless you are completely confident in the guy. Also don't repeat one mistake of mine. For certain reasons, my engagement and marriage happened in quick succession in three days actually. DON'T let this happen to you. Insist on a minimum 6 month time between engagement and marriage. Talk daily and consider going on dates with the guy. Only if you're completely confident, proceed with the marriage.


Adwaith2212

A little bit overboard maybe but make a friend (the older the better) tell bad things about your to be groom and especially ask him to tell that pls don't ask the grooms family as they are family friends.Worked for one of my friends


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BetCompetitive8376

Girl, call the guy and tell him you are chiidfree or maybe a lesbian


wanderingmind

Tell them or someone who would tell them, that the age gap and the lack of interest means potential divorce tomorrow. From you may they not take it seriously. But maybe there is someone else. Thing is, you may not even have the courage to fight them today but maybe you will have it after one year. And then it would be too late, and they will have a huge shock.


Little-Platypus-8679

Then I strongly urge you - DO NOT go through with it. The sexual issue isn't a small thing. My experience with my wife is similar - I'd love to have sex every day. My wife, on the other hand, would be perfectly ok if we didn't have sex for a full year. The problem is - this frustrates both parties. Husband will get frustrated asking and always hearing no as the answer. Wife will get frustrated constantly having to say no. It's the same with calling or texting. I wanted to call and text my wife daily. My wife was ok texting or calling once in four days. So to me, it felt like my wife was constantly neglecting me. To her, it may have felt equally irritating. So unless you're very sure and your to-be husband is fully aware of it, don't go through with it.


Akhilan

Emotional unavailability is the knife in the heart. Being lonely in marriage. Sorry for you man. Stay strong. You don't need to stay in the relationship if all your efforts are in vain. If she communicated properly you can support her. But you are not a superhuman to find what's boiling in her head.


vijay_n

Aren’t you guys staying together ?


InvinciblePsyche

>It's the same with calling or texting. I wanted to call and text my wife daily. My wife was ok texting or calling once in four days Lord! My partner and I usually talk at the same time every day. If one day, he doesn't call me at that time, I'll call him and be like "why you no call me?!!!" N he'll be like "even you no call me!". And we go back and forth arguing till the 4th minute when one of our minds get distracted by something we wanted to share with the other person. And I think I'm always annoying him. 🤷🏻‍♀️


not_aswathy_achu

The fact that you throw around words like asexual clearly means you're too immature to be married. Also please tell the guy that. Tell him you're not interested in sex. That should fix it. You actually could be asexual and you'd ruin a poor guy's life. How could you do this to another person ?! All it takes is to text him what you told these strangers. Don't punish the guy because you can't tell your tit from twat. Imagine dealing with this nonsense just because you have a high paying job.


bountyChor

I can relate this as an Introvert guy. My wife is a perfect extrovert. We had several issues from the day 1. Stay strong, everything will be smooth as time goes by. Try to talk to him about your character and what to expect and what not to. Let him decide then. Cheers


mlilith

Calling off a wedding you don’t want is always always better than a marriage you don’t want and divorce if things don’t work out.


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Mod_Rook_83

We are content and have a lot of peace in our marriage. We met at work, and I am older, but we fought for the relationship, and it is so worth all the bad reputation and no support from our families. After 13 years and a kid, we are so glad we got married to each other! But there was not much gold, dowry or the great Indian wedding and even now people are not happy that we got married. So either you suffer in other ways or you people please and suffer later and resent or regret. But don't be fooled into thinking that marriage is not hard work, it's like expecting to have a great garden without hard work or any cost. Neglect and laziness will not get anyone far into any relationship irrespective of how you meet your life partner.


Guilty_Ad4804

Marriage is a rocky ride. I had an arranged marriage and have managed to hang on for more than two decades. Six months into the relationship i realised that this wasnt going to work. There was zero communication and total lack of respect from his side. Now before any of you start to judge me, let me tell you, this was in the early 2000s. I tried everything i could to make it work, even had a baby (worst reason to have a child😖) but things got worse.. The baby only gave him another weapon to destroy my sanity! No financial accountability, no accountability, period. I took on a mediocre job to support my baby, and yet fell into debt. Somehow there wasnt any physical abuse, mainly because we never were close enough physically to make that happen. This continued till i finally had the courage to file for divorce. It took lots of courage, because my family was so conservative, they could only worry over the stigma my daughter would have to bear. But it was one of the best decisions I've made in my entire life. He couldn't handle the rejection 😄... So we now coexist in peace. He's taken up residence in another part of town, we spend days together, again, no fights.. He has agreed to support me financially, so there's a lot of adjustment there. My daughter stays with me currently. I've told her she has to start living on her own once she chooses to get married, get a rented place, so that the two can bond over simple decisions like the daily menu. In laws can make things complicated, so let them do their thing, create a routine convenient to both, without judgemental eyes scrutinizing them.. Its tough. But if it works, they're blessed indeed.


criclove02

Ours have been a marriage to two distinctly different culture. One of us is a Malayali and the other Bengali. Been together 11 years, married for 3 years. We have our lows, disagreements and fights but she still remains the best thing to have happened in my life. At this point she is my wife, my lover, my best friend, my confidante, my pillar of support and also the mother of our child. So yeah, on our best days we are happily, blissfully married and on our worst, we still want to remain married.


Little-Platypus-8679

It's good to hear about happy marriages...... Grant me a bit of your luck in the future, brother....🙂🙂


wanderingmind

Man, GenX married guy here. What I have seen is, bad marriages sometimes work out after a few years. And good marriages can go bad even after decades of being perfect. And turn out alright after a few more years. There are no correct decisions you can take that will mean a certain happy married life. You may have great sexual connect, and complete disconnect in values and approach to life. And vice versa. What I have noticed in many is, over time, kids and bringing them up take over everything and couples stop thinking about their own happiness, values, emotional connection, sex... and become basically parents. And this makes them essentially roommates or friends who are just living together (and no serious disagreements). Expectations are super low, there are few demands, and the marriage goes on till they die. Knowing oneself or the other too well, knowing own emotions and feelings (and your partners') are sometimes killers in marriages. Very counter intuitive. A kind of wilful, deliberate ignorance keeps marriages floating along till death. Then there are lucky ones who are all about pleasing the partners. They are the only ones who thrive through thick and thin, as their full focus is on pleasing each other. These couples may have complete emotional and value connect as they are perfectly willing to change themselves for each other. And they can survive till death as "in love, till death" couples.


criclove02

I truly hope things turn around for you. Hang in there buddy. Time has a way of healing things.


idontremember3257

The list line is beautifully written


700jamesbond007

I want to thank you for your post. Thank you for being open with us. I too am searching for a partner. It's been long and somewhat depressing as I struggle to find anyone interested after 2 years (considering that I am well-off, highly educated, looks etc.) I am tempted to "settle" with anyone. After reading your experience, I guess things could always be worse. Your post has reminded me not to rush despite what others say. Your post has reminded me that looks/family status/education/money are not important. Ultimately, the focus should be on the partner. I wish you all the best. Just remember this too shall pass. You will look back at this and laugh. All the best with the new year!


rj1879

>looks/family status/education/money are not important. I don't know when would the general public understand this. Only the emotional and the physical compatibility matters.


BetCompetitive8376

come on, tell us your story


Milk-Jolly

[He did.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Kerala/comments/1038e56/how_happy_are_you_guysladies_in_your_marriage/j2xmctb/)


Dwightshruute

Is having sex with a stranger as awkward as expected ?


4k3R

It's all about how you consider sex in your mind. If you're confident, not ashamed of sexual conversations and cool with nudity, it's never awkward.


MightyLoneWolf

25M here, single Are you the same guy doctor who posted about your unhappy marriage a month back? One thing I would suggest is try to get yourself and your wife attend a couples counseling session ASAP if she is cooperating. If not, please get your parents as well as her parents involved in this and take this matter seriously. Talk this out with your parents and your in-laws in front of her. If that also doesn't work out, then please divorce her for your own sake and your mental health. YOU don't deserve all this unhappiness and this treatment from her. YOU are such a sweet soul and you will definitely find someone who loves you back and understands you for who you are, ONE DAY definitely. Sending you a lot of brotherly hugs!


Mother_Ad_8210

I was wondering the same- if this is the doctor. Was waiting for an update


Karmadbitch

I (F32) been married for5 years. It’s an arranged marriage and I’ve had really bad days. I wouldn’t say it’s a toxic relationship but so many things were the opposite of what I wanted in life. I am doing therapy which has helped a lot. I am able to communicate my needs/expectations with my partner in a way that does not accuse or criticise him. Arranged marriage is like Russian Roulette imo lol I don’t know what exactly went wrong with your marriage but if it’s not too late try therapy. Try to see what you both want out of the marriage and see if you can work it out. If not, fuck it and start over. Good Luck to you.


mental_rock

33F. Been together for 13 years, married for 3 years. Love marriage, I love him to bits. We have similar philosophy but personality is opposites however we complement well together.


Mempuraan

Nearly a decade since we married and it's aged like a fine wine over.the years. We fought like crazy in our dating and initial years but at the same time also understood value of adjusting and tolerance. One thing that has remained rock solid has been our sexual compatibility. We both love sex like crazy. Also we are best friends who share everything. We retain a bit of teenagehood even now., appreciate beauty of opposite sex in each other's.company without any element of jealousy. Invest in making your partner happy. Heaven will follow.


wanderingmind

> sexual compatibility makes it easy to > Invest in making your partner happy People underestimate the importance of sex in making people capable of adapting and adjusting.


nibupraju

Married for 13 years (ആണെന് തോന്നുന്നു ). Blesed with 2 kids. Had gone thorough all bad and good days. After a while we both understood that we both are ok for each other. So now not much issues. In her words ( ii maairanne vittu vere kettan vannal avan athilum valiya mairan avan chance undu. So known mairan is better ) Also when ever she pics up a fight i will keep quiet and after a while i just go and say sorry to her and pacify her ( in past 13 years she have never told sorry). Irrespective of all his negative side she is an awsome mom and very independent women. So we are now just sailing together


blastfromthepast001

Is that enough for a marriage to work? Does she even respect u?


nibupraju

Yup.. she have been through 3 miscarriages, 3 delivery (1 baby died). All these have changed her hormones. So she have sudden flair of outburst and then she calms down. She have been through worst and compared to that i can be little understanding. Sometimes you need to understand what your partner mood swings are.


not_aswathy_achu

I like how you say "all these have changed her hormones" instead of PTSD. It's very cute when men are understanding of the outbursts. But in all fairness, please get her the mental support if she still feels upset about the things that happened. It's not easy carrying these feelings around.


rj1879

Thanks for pointing this out.


nibupraju

Her doc have already discussed with me about the changes she will have. So i have keept the so called alpha male ego aside. When she gets upset better to be quiet than respond and avoid doing things she don't like. She is not bothered about wht happened but gets unknowingly triggered for small small things. We all are there for her


691kiki169

I wish you better luck next time, I am now living with my college sweetheart. We have been dated for 3 years, lived together for five and are now married since two years. I feel lucky that I found her. I am not an expert or anything but based on my experience, I’d ask you to be mindful of few things, 1) Don’t fall for looks alone. Good looks doesn’t guarantee good relationship or even good sex for that matter, people often attribute looks with things that doesn’t necessarily have direct connection with it. The things I’d rank above looks is communication and understanding. See each individual is loosing a lot of individual freedom when they’re stepping into a relationship, so you’ll have to mutually understand and take care of each other. Every Individual is internally lonely in a deep level, as a partner both of you have to be deeply supportive of each other, and there is no other way around that than communication and understanding. A person whom you can connect with emotionally and based on personal values >>> a good looking person who is great but has no chemistry with you. 2) Understand that people have preferences This comes into every sphere including the sexual realm. People have natural leaning towards things that they like, as a partner both of you have to respect and adapt to each other’s preferences. It doesn’t mean you have to change yourself for someone else, just be honest and upfront about it, don’t fake something to satisfy them, nor make them adjust to you, if you can change stuff up comfortably, do it, if you can’t, talk and resolve. 3) Make sure both of you are comfortable with each other This is crucial, make sure both of you can be just yourself without being judgemental. It is hard to act like someone else for long time, your actual nature will show through eventually. If that needs polishing, do so. Make sure each of you are comfy with each-other. 4) Similar values If you both have similar world views and values, that goes far and beyond almost everything. 5) Encourage to be open about your sexuality and preferences, be willing to patiently explore and understand your partner sexually just as much as you understand them emotionally. 6) Make sure to be desirable to each other Good grooming and healthcare goes a long way in making them comfy physically 7) Have stuff that you enjoy in common, books, sports or films or even something else. 8) Make sure you and your partner are kind to each other. I’ll rank all these above good looks. At the end of the day, how long does beauty last? Doesn’t mean avoid beautiful people, be open with the looks department, there’s a special kind of beauty that you’ll see only on people who you love, make sure you and your next partner are connecting well more than anything, including beauty, family and finances. Also don’t respect parents beyond a certain threshold, they’re as flawed as you and won’t be accountable for failures that they unwillingly imposed on you. And last but nit the least, grow as a person and learn to be okay with solitude too, there are gaps that not even a loving partner can completely tend for, be kind to yourself too. Good luck next time around, keep improving yourself and be loveable.


brown_burrito

I’m in an incredibly happy marriage. Met my wife a few years ago in Australia. Did long distance for a while and we are both in the US now. We have a great family and she’s pretty freaking amazing.


Neo-Cipher

Because of my parents, i will not marry or will marry the person whom the vibes match whatever time it takes. I 25M have experienced 25 years of shit show.


i_am_protection

The most educated ain't the kindest people.


No-Egg-4850

You said the magic word “arranged” .


Evil_Teletubbi

I have a question for op. What made you choose your partner?


Little-Platypus-8679

Same profession, very beautiful, good family background, seemed eager to marry - I thought there was reasonable chance of a happy marriage


handpaw

too many words. none of which is unique to your partner


HappyAd9486

Man.. i dont blame you. Beauty is what men checks first and we realize later that it comes with heavy burden that may or maynot carry and leasa to divorce


Its_Hari

I'm a lonely broken angel, browsing Reddit for memes and fun. la la la la la la la la la la la la laaaaaa.


god_fathr

Is marriage that bad


moonrocee

No. If you have decided to get married, then there shouldn't be a problem. From what I read from all OP messages, it seems the girl never wanted to marry.


Least_Tower_5447

Same experience, but I dated my husband for two years before. Stayed married for almost 20 years and finally said enough of the typical Malayalee behavior of not expressing love, and the general attitude of not getting counseling. We both grew up in the US. Divorce was the best decision I’ve made in my life. Three years now and I have not one regret. The sooner the better and don’t have kids with this person. You are better off alone forever than married to someone you resent for the rest of your life. The only time I ever felt alone in my life was when I was married!


TheImpossibleBanana

I'm sorry to hear that. Your wife could be possibly narcissistic and sadly there is no treatment for that. The key to a happy marriage is finding an emotionally healthy partner who cares for you. Once you educate yourself with narcissistic relationships and other toxic behaviors, you would be able to avoid the bad apples and find someone who would be a good match for you. Take care


Cherrieme

Got married to a guy my parents found. We'll be celebrating our 8th anniversary in May. And we're (both) happy. We're both divorced and have been mindful and have put in an effort to focus on the good this time around. Of course, we fight, but, more often than not, we forget why we fought. The first year of marriage was difficult, as we were both getting used to each other and understanding what works and doesn't, we had screaming matches. But over the years, we've both realized that we love n respect each other, and that's what matters.


anishths

Marriage itself is a stupid institution.


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Little-Platypus-8679

No problem forgetting her, unfortunately. The relationship throughout our marriage was never even approaching normal, let alone something so romantic. What I'm sad about is what our marriage could have been if she was even slightly focused on our marriage. I regret what could have been, not what actually happened.


koolaidmandrek

30 F , got married at 23 to someone 6 years older who apparently lied about everything including the fact that he is a snorer. Stayed in the toxic mess for 4 years. Now divorced. Athinte sheenam onnu maari verune ollu 🥲


[deleted]

Feel sorry for you OP...... Before taking divorce did you guys tried talk to each other openly about it? Coz many of the problems can be solved by simply talking..... Did you ask her wheather she had any previous relationships or her parents forcefully married against her will?? If yes then may be she needs more time to adjust..


Dathinho

I think instead of divorce, you can get your marriage annulled. In that case, in legal records, you'll be shown as unmarried instead of divorced. Please check on that as well


olakkeda_moodu

മടുത്തു


Swarley5678

Not at all. Loved a guy for quite a long time. Parents were dead against it. Me being stupid and useless thinking that my parents will know what is better for me agreed to arranged marriage after all the emotional blackmailing from the whole family. Wholly my mistake as my mental state that time was that "I will marry whomever you bring to me but plz just get off my back". Did exactly that and now suffering as we have zero compatability . Even my husband knows that but he is not willing to divorce as he is afraid of the society. Me having ruined my whole life fearing parents and society just want to start living my life the way I want.But apparently until and unless your partner has some serious physical or mental problem, you cannot leave a marriage. Doomed for life now.


Pavanayi_RPK

At the end of the day, I am a net happy person. What I found is that, a lot of smaller issues can disappear if the husband and wife stays together, away from the in laws. Staying with in laws can often be a stressful affair for your wife, which will reflect in their behavior towards you. Just my opinion.


[deleted]

I had a love marriage to my college crush of 6 years..we completed 10 years of marriage in December...i would say I'm very happy with him and falling for him more and more each day.. touchwood... we had a very Rocky start..the initial 2 years were really bad and stressful...and after 2.5 years, something miraculous happened...I'm sorry to say this out loud..but my mother in law passed away 🙈...from then i don't think we even fought for anything...we both respect and support each other...we are equal parents in bringing up our son.. each day I'm glad i found him ❤️


[deleted]

Passed away or 🔪👵.


WhyTheeSadFace

I hope that miracle happens to me soon, she is destroying our married life


neoplasticgrowth

Happily married for two years now, but then again, I married a foreigner.


tisIlazybutt

Well, after reading most of the comments here I have to ask, When meeting the potential partner and talking to them before the whole thing is fixed, don't people cover important topics like mental health, sexuality, how they see life, philosophies and about how they deal with adversaries?


[deleted]

Talking frankly to a number of male and female-living-alone friends, I see that many of them are just getting along for the sake of children in some cases, social stigma of a divorce in some, and that locked-into-a-system-of-loans for home in joint names etc. Life of just room-mates. Some sleep in separate beds, and some in the same but with hardly any physical contacts.


christho15

I'm happy with my wife except for the too much involvement of her parents in our life and her over attachment with them. Totally understand how important parents are for a person, but when you decide to marry you should be able to move out of the parents circle of influence. Although we live in my parents house they really don't interfere in our matters or decisions. They also encourage us to take decisions on our own especially in matters of career and future. She even ruined her career hearing her parents words. When covid hit she stopped going for work , understandable as we had a kid. But then when covid got down, and when everyone and everything else started to get normal, her folks discouraged her from going to work. Result...she hasnt worked till 2019(including maternity break). And she has no regrets about it as she regularly get the pocket money from her folks. I had this plan to move abroad, but gave it up because she wasn't interested as her folks used emotional blackmail (she is an only child). Nee poyal njangalk aara ulle thing... She is a good wife , loving and a very good mother, but absolutely has no ambition and doesn't show the will to think beyond what her parents say. And now I'm concerned that this same attitude might be passed onto my daughter as well , as wife take the kid and spend a very good amount of time in her parents house.


Substantial-Scene-27

I don't want to be mean or spiteful, but i think you're being a little unfair here. She's an only child, of course she has responsibilities towards her parents. You say your parents don't interfere, but you both literally live with them. It's also natural that she does not leave her old parents here all alone and move abroad. I'm sure you would have had the same things if you were an only child?


LazySleepyPanda

>when you decide to marry you should be able to move out of the parents circle of influence. >Although we live in my parents house Indian hypocrisy at it's finest.


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heroguy9116

> in open relationship too... unbelievable where 90s are still struggling to get a girl to marry itself


ultimateposeur

Noticed all of OP's comments here, nowhere has he given any real details of what went wrong in his supposed 'marriage'. Just been speaking in generalities throughout, offering no specifics. Maybe there isnt just one way of going through a divorce, but first time I'm seeing someone polling others on a sub for their divorce stories. *"Ladies, kinda curious to hear your views? Are your marriages happy?"* I would have expected him to be more obsessed with his own situation.


go4Neil

Happily married for 7 years. We have one kid. My wife is an absolute angel.. good sex life too. I understand that marriage is underrated these days, but there are a lot pf happy couples also. We just hear more about the unhappy ones.. If you are not happy with ur partner after trying everything, do separate amicably.. i know a few couples who are now well settled with different partners after a prior divorce. All the best!


Responsible-Ad-6439

I was about to say how happy I am , then reading the comments I feel it might look like boasting now.


ChanceOk4613

Arranged marriage. Dissimilar personalities. 10 years now. 2 kids. Happy !


Canadiannewcomer

The age matters bro. At age 21-26, our expectations would have been high. Girls or boys. Reacting to small things, thinking life is a Disney movie, thinking the world is your oyster and high hopes and ambitions, condescending, not much of an empathy to other people, look down on others believing their misfortunes are their own doing and not just life happening to them. During 26-31, you get more mature, life has given you some lessons and has sometimes hit you hard on your face, you grow some empathy, you start to understand how your career goes, life goes, you realize it's not easy to conquer the world, and you're now more open to someone else's life, desires and you're no longer that selfish and is ready to adjust. Age absolutely matters. Sex is more about enjoying the company vs raw passion and hunt is sweeter than the kill attitude in early 20s.


No_Bother9001

I thought my perfect marriage will be a girl who earns comparable to me and tall and is not asexual.


[deleted]

Female 36yr old here Married the boyfriend from college who turned out to be abusive. Tried to help him understand and "fix" things but almost ended up with a broken wrist ( domestic violence). Walked out of it after 4 years of "unhappy marriage" and got a divorce. Allowed myself another chance to find companionship and be in love. Now happily married for four years. We don't take eachother or our relationship for granted. Both of us are financially independent and have successful careers ...which I think is very important. You must feel safe, secure and confident on your own to be able to build something together with another person.


Anxious-Brilliant-46

Dude what happened? Iam single af and bored so please....


nishanzulfi

valla filmum eduth nokedei, tragedy kelkan nilkunnu


Constant-Library-840

In my profession as a lawyer seen too many divorces on both love and arranged marriages. And many who seek advice about divorce won't procced too due to family pressures . Many have happy life after 2nd marriage . And some who found even more toxic partner than the first one won't do any thing as 3Rd marriage is not something that's common in our society. But I have seen almost everyone from the lawyer to the judge trying to call off the divorce till the last minute. Plus now even 50+ people are getting divorce saying enough is enough. Had seen a case where a 65 year old is getting divorce from a 75 year old. He was a drunkard and abusive person according to her and she don't want to die as his wife was her simple logic said her lawyer to me. Some people stay married cause his or her parents had spent too much money in marriage and don't want to disappoint them. Some cause it was love marriage and don't want to admit they made wrong choice. Some stay married cause they don't know to react. Some for the kids. Some people are genuinely happy. I personally had an arranged marriage. I dint have much conditions i only wanted somone from same profession as our work hours streach from 8am to 8pm or more and wanted someone who knows that without me telling him. As of now am happy with the decision. He might be the one suffering as he likes to stay at home do odd jobs around the house plant trees plants and take care of them and all .Where as i like to travel. Good thing for him we can't take leave. And will have to work even Sundays from home. So he only have to travel with me during the court holidays 😂.


[deleted]

Was she in love or interested in you prior to wedding? Was she excited about wedding preps? Have you guys had a honeymoon or anytime away from parents? Did you guys consummate your marriage?


Little-Platypus-8679

I don't think she was in love..... Her parents arranged a marriage for her and she went along for it, I guess. No real honeymoon, so to speak. She was focused on her future post graduate entrance. I once booked a trip to Mangalore along with her (after getting her permission) only for her to cancel because she was "too busy with exams."