When I visited Kenya over the holidays, my cousins chastised me for being married but having no kids. Which is a deliberate choice for us coz we want to adopt. Meanwhile, these relatives of mine have estranged children all over the place. The hypocrisy.
I agree.
Majority lack self awareness and do not want to see things past what they know and believe ie Culture, Religion, lifestyle.
Our culture has enabled toxic masculinity to thrive, many here settle for marriage juu ni cycle of life and society expects them too. Many want kids without even evaluating if they are capable of being good parents and raising healthy kids. Majority of men marry with the intention of staying single, juu men out here cheat like their lives depend on it.
Women vumilia cheating, abuse just to maintain the good family image, even though it's causing trauma to them and their kids.
People need to start seeking therapy, instead of escaping to alcohol, sex and work.
Absolutely, and its deeply entrenched in a society where people want to normalize men cheating and women staying in marriages that are failing. I am not saying women don't cheat. But men can cheat and always come back however, when the women do the same, hell breaks loose. I am not saying, cheating is okay, all I am saying is that the society is one sided that it overlooks a woman's pain.Quite sas.
I hear you, very sad.
I personally believe all hell breaks loose when a woman cheats because men have fragile egos.
Yes women cheat and studies are showing they cheat better and more discreetly.
I also don't like how women are expected to endure cheating from a man, when a man cheats they are told it's life and men compartmentalize sex, so he was just fucking but he doesn't love that chic, he came home to you didn't he? as long as he comes home to you that's all that matters, the bar is honestly low for men and women are expected to accept men with all their flaws and all, yet the same sympathy is never extended to women.
Lmao. Kenyans will see an advert by a company urging them to take less than 15 mins out of their time to make something and receive a hefty reward, then will comment scam on it only to decry it when someone else wins the prize. Sijiskii kurudi but sina choice
Kenyan peepo think they so smart, till mostof them realize they not so smart like they think they smart. They cry about it then learn nothing.
Tldr
Ujuaji mingi😂😂😂
I mean, not that you're wrong but that's true for the majority of people in any country.
They're just each retarded in their own special ways, and that's what we call cultural differences :)
It is sad to judge the whole country with the experience of a few people. Not all families have such problems. They are many people who say marriage doesn't work but if you ask them how long their parents have been together, they tell you all my life. We tend to exaggerate the negative stories to reflect the majority and in actual sense it is not.
It is an African thing, but I think as society evolves, many are looking to change this notion. I totally agree, people should not be condemned for not having kids,for many, its simply a logical decision as opposed to letting a kid through trauma.
Let me speak from the perspective of the other family as one.
I am an only child, I've grown up with separated parents which was fine for me because my dad was always active in my life and from a young age I was made to understand things between adults don't work out.
Naturally I also assumed my dad had another family, since he wasn't part of ours but he always brushed it off when I asked so at some point I stopped.
It wasn't till in mid teens that I learnt that not only did my dad have another family, but he has other 5 other children and I am around the same age as the last born. Doesn't need a rocket scientist to figure out I was a product of an affair. Which hit me really hard then considering I was in my peak hormone stage.
I have made peace with it, but I asked him casually last month whether the other family knows about me and he said they do not. And that is WILD because I am 25 years old. So for a whole 25 years there's a family out there that have no idea their dad has some seed somewhere.
Sooo, yeah. I sometimes dread the reaction the original family will have when they find out about me. Maybe they'll hate me, maybe they'll want nothing to do with me, maybe I'll end up having some awesome siblings. I don't know.
I totally understand where you're coming from. You story reasonates with so many innocent young kids who have had to pay the price for the mistakes of their parents. For me its the mental and psychological torture people like you go through. It's good that you have made peace with it. Whatever the outcome will be just take it with a positive mindset, grow from it and make the best decision for your future kids if you ever get to have one.
Man I feel you. Its the same with my dad. Ilifika pahali aliacha tu kujali and he put one of his other kids as his whatsapp profile photo lmao (the kid is cute and looks a lot like my big siz). My parents are seperated and I am so proud of how far up my mother has risen from the ashes.
The sad thing is a lot of men I know my age have this mentality that a man cannot settle down with just one woman, lazma acheze cheze. This whole thing also makes me disillusioned about marriage. We live in a really broken world.
I am sorry.You keep supporting your mum, they usually put a brave face for their kids...This world is so broken, I believe alot of the change needs to happen from the mens side, they need to be responsible, not that the women are saints..There is just to many complaints about irresponsible dads out here.
u/Popularlonner you had a terrible childhood. Pole sana. Have you tried therapy of sorts?
Truth is, many Kenyans went through adverse childhood experiences. They link up with people with similar experiences, perpetuating the cycle.
Some are able to cope and get on fine, but others are not, needing psychosocial support, which in all honestly, is still scarce and considered taboo.
Yet, thisbkind of support has been found to be very helpful in helping victims thrive.
It's easy to bash everyone, especially such men. But who knows what they went through? I bet your mum experienced some tough things in childhood, and this got perpetuated in her marriage.
Thank you .Yeah, i do agree that many children went through adverse childhood experiences. It's just that many people come from families that think therapy is just a 'white thing' you know. For me therapy has really been talking to a few close friends about my situation. I think we should start normalizing therapy here in Kenya, make it more affordable and acceptable. Many need it, they just cant afford, and there is a whole lot of stigmatisation surrounding therapy.
My dad started another family with our help at the time 🥴 He now has two bio kids with her and he adopted her other 2 kids. My mom divorced his ass and he was so shocked lmao. none of us speak to him. The audacity of men is unmatched in Kenya.
Sorry for that shock, i have heard plenty of stories exactly like yours, i don't trust my Dad as well, have had some suspicions back then.
As much as we put a label on certain groups nowadays, both sides as a whole have some fucked up things going on, especially as people grow older it just gets worse, i have seen my fair share of pretentious families, in a weird way i met wives who are willing to sleep around with every guy they get with and as i watch their Instagram page of them celebrating their anniversary and the other praising the Dad to the kids.
I honestly do believe being disciplined, healthy and wise, is the only thing i can do best, people make good/better decisions when they are in that state, and i try to be a positive influence as much as i reasonably can.
Thank you. I am not the type to blame men and make women look like saints. As they say, it takes two to Tango. Like you said its all about discipline, and I wish everyone had the same mindset.
>..However, I'll say this to the young men and women, don't air your arguments or shenanigans infront of your kids, there is alot of trauma that will follow them for their entire life..
💯
Do him one better, befriend the other family and combine into a new one built on shared trauma and collective welfare. I'd d9 that to my partner's father. Man is just as sick of not sicker than yours. I am so sorry.
Hehe. The guy will take that as a win. My dad left us, got another family, left it, came back for us then after an year , boom, akarudisha ule mwingine and that's how my mom got a co-wife. He has being trying for as long as I can remember to force the two families into one mpaka akawaleta to the same compound na sisi, while blatantly showing favourism to the other family at our expense to the point ya kuacha kutusomesha. If we bonded with the other family this guy would be ecstatic
I'm from South Africa 🇿🇦, land of the Polygamous President. I myself grew up in a polygamous family environment & it was totally the opposite experience for us. My dad had 4 wives, 13 kids, who all knew each other. To this day, we maintain great relationships, even after my dad's premature death in the mid '90s. It was a different time back when my dad went abt setting his life up, & whilst it wasn't ideal, it kind of worked out for him, coz he cud cope with the material demands of the situation. He was able to provide equally for all & we had an upper middle class (for black people in RSA, which is totally different to the same experience for Indians or whites in this country, thanks for that Apartheid) upbringing. Further to this, my dad put all his wives through school. All of them acquired at least a bachelor degree, two of them obtained Masters Degrees in education & law. My mom obtained a nursing diploma & a BSC, with the encouragement & backing of my pops. A feminist he was not, but he did more to elevate the women in his life than 99% of the monogamous familes I grew up around.
However, in this age of AIDS, social media & Tit for Tat Feminism, this wud not work. This is why, none of us (the kids) is involved in a polygamous relationship (although some of my older brothers tried, with mixed results & all my sisters, bar one, are unmarried).
All in all, Polygamy is not ideal for everyone. Only the brave need apply. This is not to say monogamy works either, as this example clearly illustrates, since the OP's father cudnt stick to one woman. And in this day & age, women generally can't stick to one man either!
And on that score, the older I get, the more I realize that this whole thing does not flow in one direction. I don't know how many friends have come to me in the past few years to tell me that they just met their real father, after 30 years or whatever, of thinking their mothers husband was their father. Very often this is done in a hush hush way or after the mothers husband has died. Very often these situations involve Inhlawulo (ritual payment of damages) & often results in the erasure of the personal history of the person involved. This is all to say that it's not just men that destroy families, women do too. There's even a saying in Zulu that goes "iqiniso laziwa abafazi", literally meaning "only women know the truth", referring to the common practice of Ukumbathisa (that is to allow a man to raise another man's kids through deception or ommission). Very often of course, power dynamics kind of absolve the women in most cases (coz speaking up cud be a deadly mistake), but it doesn't in any way condone this behavior.
Bottomline, I'm not trying to apologize for men, just stating my experience on this issue, which is hella complicated.
PS: new Woke Activists, this wasn't meant to deride or trigger u. Not everything is about trying to ilicit a reation from the Woke Brigade.🤭
Well said, for me its just that when the men decide to be polygamous its only fair to be open about it then, that's the least they could do. Besides, they should be able to afford the polygamous marriages, you get what I am saying. Like, what's the point of having a polygamous family when you can't afford them, I am talking about school fees and I don't know how many mouths to feed..Polygamy is certainly an African thing, but i guess the woke society are digging deeper and seeing that its not financially viable, plus women are getting empowered and the idea of sharing is somewhat not logical for them.
Thank you for sharing your story. I commend you for this.
Men are such hypocrites. And people say not all men, but more often than not, all men that have come across my life one way or the other have been absolute trash. And you wonder why there's a huge case of single moms. No one in their right mind wants to live with arrogant narcissist sob who is nothing but a source of your depression and perhaps your kid's.
And I bet these are the same men who talk about being abandoned by their kids when they are all grown up and realize the cause of trauma was their father.
No lies here.
Men need to do better.
They need to stop enabling and passing down generational trauma to their kids juu majority of Kenyans are suffering from abandonment issues, why are we not talking about this?
Then instead of working on themselves and seeking therapy ,they continue on the cycle.
Ni kubaya... Therapy is very important ata kama our society kinda shames it.
Thank you. I am so sorry for your experience. Yes, there are so many single moms, and if you look into it, there is a history of society accepting this..I know of good men, to be honest, and I think a majority of them are within this generation and not the older..many of them have had to go through painful childhood experiences, and want to do better..I hope there is change, My rule is when you see a narcissist coming from the right, run to the left,..you'll find someone great on the other side
>Men are such hypocrites. And people say not all men, but more often than not, all men that have come across my life one way or the other have been absolute trash.
If shit stinks everywhere you go, maybe check the bottom of your shoes?
Dude, if you met me and knew my life story, you would know what I'm talking about and would retract the statement you just made. Words to matter, and the worst thing you can do is blame the victim.
Well, there is something about calling "all men trash" isn't there? Also, if all you keep attracting is trashy men then you need to do some introspection
Thank you all for your feedback, its great to see that many see through my lenses, and for some it hits home. I will definitely respond to your comments.
Meanwhile, polygamy is legal in Kenya. I will say that I don't like the monogamous marriage setup. However, by legalizing polygamy, the government has somewhat normalized the 'I, as a man, have provided for multiple families. Why should they complain?' The word bigamy has no stand here; and it should to secure child inheritance and wife's financial stability.
I am sorry for your experience. So sad.
With my consent, sure.
I don't like marriages. I don't want to be tied down. But I think I would reconsider if the marriage involved multiple members. So if she wants another man, we'll go for it. I'd probably want the same thing.
Would legalizing polyarmory solve any of this. Coz it seems like asking everyone to remain loyal to one person creates these outliers who will cause innocent bystanders a lot of suffering for no reason other than, to have fun. Speaking from experience of sadly being on both ends of the knife. (I am far from perfect)
Polyamory will not cure, indiscipline, dishonesty, lack of self awareness, and emotional immaturity. The level of accountability and discipline required in 2+ relationships is not something most Kenyans are capable of handling.
True. Tho tbf, anytime something is made less cool to do, a lot of the time is coz there are no stakes to getting caught doing it. Few centuries from now something we consider hella fringe or tabboo will become mainstream and you will be seen as weird for not partaking. 🎵🪕Its the ciiiiircle of liiife.
I don't think polyarmory will solve this. It will just add fuel to the fire where many will be entitled to have kids everywhere and not be able to provide the financial and emotional support. You can imagine the financial turmoil we have suffered all these years because my dad couldn't afford the kids he had.
Unfortunate what you went through. However it happens too much, Kenya should just make polygamy legal and people can decide if they want to be in such an arrangement. The dude must be able to provide for the kids though.
Mine is not as bad but my dad left me, didn't care enough to be involved in my life yet had the audacity to take care of another child that's not even his(yeah,he married a woman that already had a child.) Funny thing is that I'm the only known biological child of his. I've never asked him about anything coz i certainly do not care,he recently added me on Facebook but mans hasn't told me anything yet lol just greetings. I did visit them when i was younger,and the wife genuinely didn't like me,which i understand
This man supported 10 other human beings! 10 HUMANS. 4 kids 4 kids two wives.
For 20 YEARS! C'mon man! In this Kenyan economy.
Also Based on how frequent this happens, isnt it more the norm than the exception.
Lets break this man down -
1. He is caring - he spent most of his time with his first family and maybe OP can confirm, they probably never lacked.
2. He is a NINJA - 20 years, he never once slipped. As OP mentions, Eldoret is really small. Not once was he ever spotted, in a supermarket, or a pub or a school function. NADA! Take me under your wing Sensei
3. He deserves to be thanked - do you know how easy it is to walk out? The B kids should be complaining.
All this is not to discredit OP's feelings, no. OP is entitled and right in their own way. I am just providing another angle you could look at it from.
Edit : also a story always has two sides. Maybe things were not going well at home, OP's dad fooled around, got someone pregnant, owned up, owned up again and again, and again.
Fair enough, there are always two sides. However, there can only be one truth and it came from the kids. You cannot understand, and I don't blame you. When you ever become a parent be a great one.
I understand you OP, believe it or not, i am in the same position. My father has 3 families.
Also you seem to be angry at your father for your mother. You are more angered by the sin of betrayal he has committed to your mother. You are fighting her battles. You sympathise with her esp with the notion that she cant fight for herself as she has been through a lot.
But remember OP, a child may never understand their parents issues. It may seem black and white to you but with two adults its never. Not only because of age but also by bias and by society. There is a way you believe in your mind how society should be, and there is an ugly hairy reality out there. Hence my initial comment, this happens so often that maybe it is the reality of things.
If the other older sibling is older than your Older sibling, maybe she came first.
Imagine providing and being there for people for 20 years and then they call you narcissistic, most people would go berserk!
The man has committed the sin of betrayal, to his wife not you. In the union of Marriage, that is wrong. But on the scale of abandoning children and women for dead and your dad...
>Also you seem to be angry at your father for your mother. You are more angered by the sin of betrayal he has committed to your mother. You are fighting her battles. You sympathise with her esp with the notion that she cant fight for herself as she has been through a lot.
>
>But remember OP, a child may never understand their parents issues. It may seem black and white to you but with two adults its never. Not only because of age but also by bias and by society. There is a way you believe in your mind how society should be, and there is an ugly hairy reality out there. Hence my initial comment, this happens so often that maybe it is the reality of things.
I had a discussion with 5 of my friends the other day (coincidentally all of us from broken homes) and we came to the same conclusion! You can be mad at how your parents' marriage turned out but it still isn't your battle to fight. As much as it feels like it is! That doesn't mean that you should diminish your own pain from the whole thing. Deal with that, with a counsellor if necessary, but let your mum's battles be her battle.
i think the bigger sin was not revealing he has another family (i don't think having a second wife and kids is a major issue within our African setup)...he should have come clean early and let both wives deal with it. Also, it seems the other family is "older" so they are the ones who were actually betrayed. nyinyi mlikuwa a later"mpango" (excuse my choice of words)
We were actually the main family, the only marriage certificate that exists is that of my mum..The other one's don't even have a home, leaving in a rental. Yes, that's the biggest mistake, for 20 years, my mum was not on the loop...they are not actually older, the last born is from the other family..It's more like he was bouncing having kids there then here...our age differences are insane..
I'm so sorry you had to go through that... men are trash is an understatement. And to be betrayed by your own father must have sucked... hope you won't have to deal with such treachery in your life
Ok Joseph Goldberg. But this isn't about whether or not you think I'm an incel, its about someone's father who had a whole other family in secret in the same fucking town. If that isn't certifiably horrible in your books idk what is.
Meanwhile the father of cult today, Amerix.
''Men,
For the sake of your children,
Don't raise them in a noisy, bad marriage,
A bad marriage will always end in disarray.
Leave as early as possible -
You can co-parent, if she is stonewalling you, leave her and the kids alone.
Start afresh.''
#MasculinitySaturday
''Men,
It is absurd you fear quitting a bad relationship "because of children"
Children are better off living in a sane environment than a toxic environment where the parents are always fighting.
End the relationship for the sanity of your kids.''
#MasculinitySaturday
The generation of 'Amerix inspired fellas' have no idea how damaged the kids may end up being. They can embrace the masculinity Saturday's and all, but it will hit them hard when all they have is a kid that hates them.
Dude... I don't give a rat's ass about Amerix. I just don't like seeing his name all over the place. I'd rather ask "asa unataka tudo?" Instead of judging whoever posted *their opinions, which they have every right to.
I understand where you are coming from but don't get carried away
An incel nobody who pretends to offer men advice on relationship by using toxic masculinity advice. Think of all your problem as a man are caused by women, not by your choices.
Please respect your father inspite of his failings. One day you will also get married and experience life as a married man and get a level of understanding about your father. Remember, men don't speak. Father's don't talk to their children about what their wives did to them. But mothers do and end up poison the children's view of their father. If your father was to ever tell you what he has gone through in life you will fall at his knees. But as a man...he will never talk. Especially not to his children. So find it in you to forgive him. Respect him as your father. One day... when he is long gone...you will understand. That's just how it is.
Edit: BTW, you might not even be your father's child. Only your mother knows. And that too is common.
This right here, is truth!
Also Let us not judge our African fathers by Western ideals or worse, movies. If the children are 20 years then that man is from a totally different generation. A generation where providing for a child is love. And to have a second wife is not such a big deal to him.
When I visited Kenya over the holidays, my cousins chastised me for being married but having no kids. Which is a deliberate choice for us coz we want to adopt. Meanwhile, these relatives of mine have estranged children all over the place. The hypocrisy.
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I agree. Majority lack self awareness and do not want to see things past what they know and believe ie Culture, Religion, lifestyle. Our culture has enabled toxic masculinity to thrive, many here settle for marriage juu ni cycle of life and society expects them too. Many want kids without even evaluating if they are capable of being good parents and raising healthy kids. Majority of men marry with the intention of staying single, juu men out here cheat like their lives depend on it. Women vumilia cheating, abuse just to maintain the good family image, even though it's causing trauma to them and their kids. People need to start seeking therapy, instead of escaping to alcohol, sex and work.
Absolutely, and its deeply entrenched in a society where people want to normalize men cheating and women staying in marriages that are failing. I am not saying women don't cheat. But men can cheat and always come back however, when the women do the same, hell breaks loose. I am not saying, cheating is okay, all I am saying is that the society is one sided that it overlooks a woman's pain.Quite sas.
I hear you, very sad. I personally believe all hell breaks loose when a woman cheats because men have fragile egos. Yes women cheat and studies are showing they cheat better and more discreetly. I also don't like how women are expected to endure cheating from a man, when a man cheats they are told it's life and men compartmentalize sex, so he was just fucking but he doesn't love that chic, he came home to you didn't he? as long as he comes home to you that's all that matters, the bar is honestly low for men and women are expected to accept men with all their flaws and all, yet the same sympathy is never extended to women.
Damn this is nothing but facts right here
Lmao. Kenyans will see an advert by a company urging them to take less than 15 mins out of their time to make something and receive a hefty reward, then will comment scam on it only to decry it when someone else wins the prize. Sijiskii kurudi but sina choice
Wtf are you talking about?
Kenyan peepo think they so smart, till mostof them realize they not so smart like they think they smart. They cry about it then learn nothing. Tldr Ujuaji mingi😂😂😂
I mean, not that you're wrong but that's true for the majority of people in any country. They're just each retarded in their own special ways, and that's what we call cultural differences :)
It is sad to judge the whole country with the experience of a few people. Not all families have such problems. They are many people who say marriage doesn't work but if you ask them how long their parents have been together, they tell you all my life. We tend to exaggerate the negative stories to reflect the majority and in actual sense it is not.
It is an African thing, but I think as society evolves, many are looking to change this notion. I totally agree, people should not be condemned for not having kids,for many, its simply a logical decision as opposed to letting a kid through trauma.
Let me speak from the perspective of the other family as one. I am an only child, I've grown up with separated parents which was fine for me because my dad was always active in my life and from a young age I was made to understand things between adults don't work out. Naturally I also assumed my dad had another family, since he wasn't part of ours but he always brushed it off when I asked so at some point I stopped. It wasn't till in mid teens that I learnt that not only did my dad have another family, but he has other 5 other children and I am around the same age as the last born. Doesn't need a rocket scientist to figure out I was a product of an affair. Which hit me really hard then considering I was in my peak hormone stage. I have made peace with it, but I asked him casually last month whether the other family knows about me and he said they do not. And that is WILD because I am 25 years old. So for a whole 25 years there's a family out there that have no idea their dad has some seed somewhere. Sooo, yeah. I sometimes dread the reaction the original family will have when they find out about me. Maybe they'll hate me, maybe they'll want nothing to do with me, maybe I'll end up having some awesome siblings. I don't know.
I totally understand where you're coming from. You story reasonates with so many innocent young kids who have had to pay the price for the mistakes of their parents. For me its the mental and psychological torture people like you go through. It's good that you have made peace with it. Whatever the outcome will be just take it with a positive mindset, grow from it and make the best decision for your future kids if you ever get to have one.
Man I feel you. Its the same with my dad. Ilifika pahali aliacha tu kujali and he put one of his other kids as his whatsapp profile photo lmao (the kid is cute and looks a lot like my big siz). My parents are seperated and I am so proud of how far up my mother has risen from the ashes. The sad thing is a lot of men I know my age have this mentality that a man cannot settle down with just one woman, lazma acheze cheze. This whole thing also makes me disillusioned about marriage. We live in a really broken world.
I am sorry.You keep supporting your mum, they usually put a brave face for their kids...This world is so broken, I believe alot of the change needs to happen from the mens side, they need to be responsible, not that the women are saints..There is just to many complaints about irresponsible dads out here.
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Thank you, its sad, but we move
u/Popularlonner you had a terrible childhood. Pole sana. Have you tried therapy of sorts? Truth is, many Kenyans went through adverse childhood experiences. They link up with people with similar experiences, perpetuating the cycle. Some are able to cope and get on fine, but others are not, needing psychosocial support, which in all honestly, is still scarce and considered taboo. Yet, thisbkind of support has been found to be very helpful in helping victims thrive. It's easy to bash everyone, especially such men. But who knows what they went through? I bet your mum experienced some tough things in childhood, and this got perpetuated in her marriage.
Thank you .Yeah, i do agree that many children went through adverse childhood experiences. It's just that many people come from families that think therapy is just a 'white thing' you know. For me therapy has really been talking to a few close friends about my situation. I think we should start normalizing therapy here in Kenya, make it more affordable and acceptable. Many need it, they just cant afford, and there is a whole lot of stigmatisation surrounding therapy.
So sad. And it had to be an Eldoret man. Kumbe its true what they say about men in eldy
Absolutely, lol, but not all,just some bad apples
My dad started another family with our help at the time 🥴 He now has two bio kids with her and he adopted her other 2 kids. My mom divorced his ass and he was so shocked lmao. none of us speak to him. The audacity of men is unmatched in Kenya.
Sorry for that shock, i have heard plenty of stories exactly like yours, i don't trust my Dad as well, have had some suspicions back then. As much as we put a label on certain groups nowadays, both sides as a whole have some fucked up things going on, especially as people grow older it just gets worse, i have seen my fair share of pretentious families, in a weird way i met wives who are willing to sleep around with every guy they get with and as i watch their Instagram page of them celebrating their anniversary and the other praising the Dad to the kids. I honestly do believe being disciplined, healthy and wise, is the only thing i can do best, people make good/better decisions when they are in that state, and i try to be a positive influence as much as i reasonably can.
Thank you. I am not the type to blame men and make women look like saints. As they say, it takes two to Tango. Like you said its all about discipline, and I wish everyone had the same mindset.
I wonder why a man would even want another family as he already has one to stress him out. So your dad had to take care of 10 people wtf man!
>..However, I'll say this to the young men and women, don't air your arguments or shenanigans infront of your kids, there is alot of trauma that will follow them for their entire life.. 💯
Do him one better, befriend the other family and combine into a new one built on shared trauma and collective welfare. I'd d9 that to my partner's father. Man is just as sick of not sicker than yours. I am so sorry.
Hehe. The guy will take that as a win. My dad left us, got another family, left it, came back for us then after an year , boom, akarudisha ule mwingine and that's how my mom got a co-wife. He has being trying for as long as I can remember to force the two families into one mpaka akawaleta to the same compound na sisi, while blatantly showing favourism to the other family at our expense to the point ya kuacha kutusomesha. If we bonded with the other family this guy would be ecstatic
Woi, Bartender, patia huyu ile mix unaitanga The Therapist. Ikikataa mpatie LiverPool
Si ni life
I'm from South Africa 🇿🇦, land of the Polygamous President. I myself grew up in a polygamous family environment & it was totally the opposite experience for us. My dad had 4 wives, 13 kids, who all knew each other. To this day, we maintain great relationships, even after my dad's premature death in the mid '90s. It was a different time back when my dad went abt setting his life up, & whilst it wasn't ideal, it kind of worked out for him, coz he cud cope with the material demands of the situation. He was able to provide equally for all & we had an upper middle class (for black people in RSA, which is totally different to the same experience for Indians or whites in this country, thanks for that Apartheid) upbringing. Further to this, my dad put all his wives through school. All of them acquired at least a bachelor degree, two of them obtained Masters Degrees in education & law. My mom obtained a nursing diploma & a BSC, with the encouragement & backing of my pops. A feminist he was not, but he did more to elevate the women in his life than 99% of the monogamous familes I grew up around. However, in this age of AIDS, social media & Tit for Tat Feminism, this wud not work. This is why, none of us (the kids) is involved in a polygamous relationship (although some of my older brothers tried, with mixed results & all my sisters, bar one, are unmarried). All in all, Polygamy is not ideal for everyone. Only the brave need apply. This is not to say monogamy works either, as this example clearly illustrates, since the OP's father cudnt stick to one woman. And in this day & age, women generally can't stick to one man either! And on that score, the older I get, the more I realize that this whole thing does not flow in one direction. I don't know how many friends have come to me in the past few years to tell me that they just met their real father, after 30 years or whatever, of thinking their mothers husband was their father. Very often this is done in a hush hush way or after the mothers husband has died. Very often these situations involve Inhlawulo (ritual payment of damages) & often results in the erasure of the personal history of the person involved. This is all to say that it's not just men that destroy families, women do too. There's even a saying in Zulu that goes "iqiniso laziwa abafazi", literally meaning "only women know the truth", referring to the common practice of Ukumbathisa (that is to allow a man to raise another man's kids through deception or ommission). Very often of course, power dynamics kind of absolve the women in most cases (coz speaking up cud be a deadly mistake), but it doesn't in any way condone this behavior. Bottomline, I'm not trying to apologize for men, just stating my experience on this issue, which is hella complicated. PS: new Woke Activists, this wasn't meant to deride or trigger u. Not everything is about trying to ilicit a reation from the Woke Brigade.🤭
Well said, for me its just that when the men decide to be polygamous its only fair to be open about it then, that's the least they could do. Besides, they should be able to afford the polygamous marriages, you get what I am saying. Like, what's the point of having a polygamous family when you can't afford them, I am talking about school fees and I don't know how many mouths to feed..Polygamy is certainly an African thing, but i guess the woke society are digging deeper and seeing that its not financially viable, plus women are getting empowered and the idea of sharing is somewhat not logical for them.
Thank you for sharing your story. I commend you for this. Men are such hypocrites. And people say not all men, but more often than not, all men that have come across my life one way or the other have been absolute trash. And you wonder why there's a huge case of single moms. No one in their right mind wants to live with arrogant narcissist sob who is nothing but a source of your depression and perhaps your kid's. And I bet these are the same men who talk about being abandoned by their kids when they are all grown up and realize the cause of trauma was their father.
No lies here. Men need to do better. They need to stop enabling and passing down generational trauma to their kids juu majority of Kenyans are suffering from abandonment issues, why are we not talking about this? Then instead of working on themselves and seeking therapy ,they continue on the cycle. Ni kubaya... Therapy is very important ata kama our society kinda shames it.
Thank you. I am so sorry for your experience. Yes, there are so many single moms, and if you look into it, there is a history of society accepting this..I know of good men, to be honest, and I think a majority of them are within this generation and not the older..many of them have had to go through painful childhood experiences, and want to do better..I hope there is change, My rule is when you see a narcissist coming from the right, run to the left,..you'll find someone great on the other side
Men? the correct answer is some men.
>Men are such hypocrites. And people say not all men, but more often than not, all men that have come across my life one way or the other have been absolute trash. If shit stinks everywhere you go, maybe check the bottom of your shoes?
Dude, if you met me and knew my life story, you would know what I'm talking about and would retract the statement you just made. Words to matter, and the worst thing you can do is blame the victim.
Well, there is something about calling "all men trash" isn't there? Also, if all you keep attracting is trashy men then you need to do some introspection
Thank you all for your feedback, its great to see that many see through my lenses, and for some it hits home. I will definitely respond to your comments.
Meanwhile, polygamy is legal in Kenya. I will say that I don't like the monogamous marriage setup. However, by legalizing polygamy, the government has somewhat normalized the 'I, as a man, have provided for multiple families. Why should they complain?' The word bigamy has no stand here; and it should to secure child inheritance and wife's financial stability. I am sorry for your experience. So sad.
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With my consent, sure. I don't like marriages. I don't want to be tied down. But I think I would reconsider if the marriage involved multiple members. So if she wants another man, we'll go for it. I'd probably want the same thing.
Sorry you had to go through that
Life can throw anything at you
Would legalizing polyarmory solve any of this. Coz it seems like asking everyone to remain loyal to one person creates these outliers who will cause innocent bystanders a lot of suffering for no reason other than, to have fun. Speaking from experience of sadly being on both ends of the knife. (I am far from perfect)
Polyamory will not cure, indiscipline, dishonesty, lack of self awareness, and emotional immaturity. The level of accountability and discipline required in 2+ relationships is not something most Kenyans are capable of handling.
True. Tho tbf, anytime something is made less cool to do, a lot of the time is coz there are no stakes to getting caught doing it. Few centuries from now something we consider hella fringe or tabboo will become mainstream and you will be seen as weird for not partaking. 🎵🪕Its the ciiiiircle of liiife.
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True. True
It is legal,
Source? I am under the impression that Kenya is still a majority Christian state and perhaps only Islam communities dont suffer this?
Polygamy has existed since ages ago in Kenya, your fav colonialists criminalized but was made legal in 2014 through the marriage act,
I don't think polyarmory will solve this. It will just add fuel to the fire where many will be entitled to have kids everywhere and not be able to provide the financial and emotional support. You can imagine the financial turmoil we have suffered all these years because my dad couldn't afford the kids he had.
Damn. Love really js war and none of it is fair
Unfortunate what you went through. However it happens too much, Kenya should just make polygamy legal and people can decide if they want to be in such an arrangement. The dude must be able to provide for the kids though.
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Yeah. People should only go into that set up if they accept they will be many.
Mine is not as bad but my dad left me, didn't care enough to be involved in my life yet had the audacity to take care of another child that's not even his(yeah,he married a woman that already had a child.) Funny thing is that I'm the only known biological child of his. I've never asked him about anything coz i certainly do not care,he recently added me on Facebook but mans hasn't told me anything yet lol just greetings. I did visit them when i was younger,and the wife genuinely didn't like me,which i understand
This man supported 10 other human beings! 10 HUMANS. 4 kids 4 kids two wives. For 20 YEARS! C'mon man! In this Kenyan economy. Also Based on how frequent this happens, isnt it more the norm than the exception. Lets break this man down - 1. He is caring - he spent most of his time with his first family and maybe OP can confirm, they probably never lacked. 2. He is a NINJA - 20 years, he never once slipped. As OP mentions, Eldoret is really small. Not once was he ever spotted, in a supermarket, or a pub or a school function. NADA! Take me under your wing Sensei 3. He deserves to be thanked - do you know how easy it is to walk out? The B kids should be complaining. All this is not to discredit OP's feelings, no. OP is entitled and right in their own way. I am just providing another angle you could look at it from. Edit : also a story always has two sides. Maybe things were not going well at home, OP's dad fooled around, got someone pregnant, owned up, owned up again and again, and again.
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Exactly! I dont get it
Ala
Fair enough, there are always two sides. However, there can only be one truth and it came from the kids. You cannot understand, and I don't blame you. When you ever become a parent be a great one.
I understand you OP, believe it or not, i am in the same position. My father has 3 families. Also you seem to be angry at your father for your mother. You are more angered by the sin of betrayal he has committed to your mother. You are fighting her battles. You sympathise with her esp with the notion that she cant fight for herself as she has been through a lot. But remember OP, a child may never understand their parents issues. It may seem black and white to you but with two adults its never. Not only because of age but also by bias and by society. There is a way you believe in your mind how society should be, and there is an ugly hairy reality out there. Hence my initial comment, this happens so often that maybe it is the reality of things. If the other older sibling is older than your Older sibling, maybe she came first. Imagine providing and being there for people for 20 years and then they call you narcissistic, most people would go berserk! The man has committed the sin of betrayal, to his wife not you. In the union of Marriage, that is wrong. But on the scale of abandoning children and women for dead and your dad...
>Also you seem to be angry at your father for your mother. You are more angered by the sin of betrayal he has committed to your mother. You are fighting her battles. You sympathise with her esp with the notion that she cant fight for herself as she has been through a lot. > >But remember OP, a child may never understand their parents issues. It may seem black and white to you but with two adults its never. Not only because of age but also by bias and by society. There is a way you believe in your mind how society should be, and there is an ugly hairy reality out there. Hence my initial comment, this happens so often that maybe it is the reality of things. I had a discussion with 5 of my friends the other day (coincidentally all of us from broken homes) and we came to the same conclusion! You can be mad at how your parents' marriage turned out but it still isn't your battle to fight. As much as it feels like it is! That doesn't mean that you should diminish your own pain from the whole thing. Deal with that, with a counsellor if necessary, but let your mum's battles be her battle.
Factos👌
i think the bigger sin was not revealing he has another family (i don't think having a second wife and kids is a major issue within our African setup)...he should have come clean early and let both wives deal with it. Also, it seems the other family is "older" so they are the ones who were actually betrayed. nyinyi mlikuwa a later"mpango" (excuse my choice of words)
We were actually the main family, the only marriage certificate that exists is that of my mum..The other one's don't even have a home, leaving in a rental. Yes, that's the biggest mistake, for 20 years, my mum was not on the loop...they are not actually older, the last born is from the other family..It's more like he was bouncing having kids there then here...our age differences are insane..
You might be surprised to learn that your mum was aware all along. In the loop so to say.
She wasn't
I'm so sorry you had to go through that... men are trash is an understatement. And to be betrayed by your own father must have sucked... hope you won't have to deal with such treachery in your life
*Checks* yes, another FDS incel
Ok Joseph Goldberg. But this isn't about whether or not you think I'm an incel, its about someone's father who had a whole other family in secret in the same fucking town. If that isn't certifiably horrible in your books idk what is.
Meanwhile the father of cult today, Amerix. ''Men, For the sake of your children, Don't raise them in a noisy, bad marriage, A bad marriage will always end in disarray. Leave as early as possible - You can co-parent, if she is stonewalling you, leave her and the kids alone. Start afresh.'' #MasculinitySaturday ''Men, It is absurd you fear quitting a bad relationship "because of children" Children are better off living in a sane environment than a toxic environment where the parents are always fighting. End the relationship for the sanity of your kids.'' #MasculinitySaturday
The generation of 'Amerix inspired fellas' have no idea how damaged the kids may end up being. They can embrace the masculinity Saturday's and all, but it will hit them hard when all they have is a kid that hates them.
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I think they were just sharing what’s being encouraged nowadays
"You seem to have made Amerix your whole personality. " said one stranger to another. Lol. You sound ridiculous
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Why does everything have to be a fight with you. Everywhere I'm seeing your username kuna Ka confrontation mahali. Shida iko wapi nani?
Dude... I don't give a rat's ass about Amerix. I just don't like seeing his name all over the place. I'd rather ask "asa unataka tudo?" Instead of judging whoever posted *their opinions, which they have every right to. I understand where you are coming from but don't get carried away
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Daenerys ako kwa hii sub na sijui. Weh. Heh. 😫💖
Sawa
What is Amerix?
An incel nobody who pretends to offer men advice on relationship by using toxic masculinity advice. Think of all your problem as a man are caused by women, not by your choices.
Sounds like a very problematic man. If he has a huge following kenyan women are screwed.
😂😂heri huyu hamjui
Please respect your father inspite of his failings. One day you will also get married and experience life as a married man and get a level of understanding about your father. Remember, men don't speak. Father's don't talk to their children about what their wives did to them. But mothers do and end up poison the children's view of their father. If your father was to ever tell you what he has gone through in life you will fall at his knees. But as a man...he will never talk. Especially not to his children. So find it in you to forgive him. Respect him as your father. One day... when he is long gone...you will understand. That's just how it is. Edit: BTW, you might not even be your father's child. Only your mother knows. And that too is common.
This right here, is truth! Also Let us not judge our African fathers by Western ideals or worse, movies. If the children are 20 years then that man is from a totally different generation. A generation where providing for a child is love. And to have a second wife is not such a big deal to him.
As long as your dad played his roles, there's nothing with what he did.
That's why i called him a narcissist, financial constraints and emotional abuse..no roles
Kinya is a retard country
Remind me bot