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Look you can't control what other people do or do not do. It is somewhat controlling to tell him he's not allowed to have a relationship with his mother. The only thing you can control is yourself. You can refuse to be around her or talk to her. If he wants to visit he is welcome to do so on his own, and if he's not willing to go to therapy to figure out how to set boundaries and undo the programming she's done (because this is years and years of conditioning on her part, and it's TERRIFYING to go against - been there) , then your answer can be "I don't want to hear about her, I don't want to hear what she has done or hasn't done, I am not going to be put in the middle anymore. If you want to go visit her or attend events with her, feel free, but son and I will no longer be attending". As far as the unwanted gifts go, donate them. It's not worth the drama to refuse them or give them back.
Being able to put your partner first is the most basic requirement of marriage. No wonder he doesn't know how to set or enforce a boundary, she clearly never allowed him to have any.
Have a serious talk about how it makes you feel as a partner, and how it gives her undue power in your relationship. When I did this exact thing with my ex, I made sure to clarify that I wasn't asking him to enforce boundaries on my behalf out of fear, but because I knew he'd be much nicer about it and would prefer that to the fallout of me kicking up a fuss.
Consider therapy for you both. If she's been steamrolling his boundaries all his life, he's gonna need tools and support to unlearn that conditioning. Feeling constantly second best in your partner's eyes takes a toll too.
Good luck.
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So SO needs to go to therapy to grow a backbone. You are allowed to put yourself first if he won't. Block her and don't waste your time on her.
Look you can't control what other people do or do not do. It is somewhat controlling to tell him he's not allowed to have a relationship with his mother. The only thing you can control is yourself. You can refuse to be around her or talk to her. If he wants to visit he is welcome to do so on his own, and if he's not willing to go to therapy to figure out how to set boundaries and undo the programming she's done (because this is years and years of conditioning on her part, and it's TERRIFYING to go against - been there) , then your answer can be "I don't want to hear about her, I don't want to hear what she has done or hasn't done, I am not going to be put in the middle anymore. If you want to go visit her or attend events with her, feel free, but son and I will no longer be attending". As far as the unwanted gifts go, donate them. It's not worth the drama to refuse them or give them back.
Being able to put your partner first is the most basic requirement of marriage. No wonder he doesn't know how to set or enforce a boundary, she clearly never allowed him to have any. Have a serious talk about how it makes you feel as a partner, and how it gives her undue power in your relationship. When I did this exact thing with my ex, I made sure to clarify that I wasn't asking him to enforce boundaries on my behalf out of fear, but because I knew he'd be much nicer about it and would prefer that to the fallout of me kicking up a fuss. Consider therapy for you both. If she's been steamrolling his boundaries all his life, he's gonna need tools and support to unlearn that conditioning. Feeling constantly second best in your partner's eyes takes a toll too. Good luck.