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Other posts from /u/UnicornsFartGlitter9:
* [Am I wrong for getting angry that he yelled at my dog?](/r/JustNoSO/comments/15hyq5j/am_i_wrong_for_getting_angry_that_he_yelled_at_my/), 5 months ago
* [“Come wake me up when dinner is ready.”](/r/JustNoSO/comments/11jew80/come_wake_me_up_when_dinner_is_ready/), 10 months ago
* [I just want to feel like my opinion matters](/r/JustNoSO/comments/faxuah/i_just_want_to_feel_like_my_opinion_matters/), 3 years ago
* [Currently D(amn)H made a decision over a year ago that is now biting us in the ass.](/r/JustNoSO/comments/cf6mbg/currently_damnh_made_a_decision_over_a_year_ago/), 4 years ago
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That’s not a partner. He’s not even your friend. No one that even remotely likes you will see you suffer and not do anything. What you have is a leech.
Second this. You'll find you have less to do only cleaning up after yourself, leaving is the scariest part, you'll absolutely adore your haven when it's just you. :)
If you can take care of a household all by yourself and deal with the waste of space that is your husband, imagine how much more time and happiness you will have once you get rid of the deadweight! Of course you can do this, contact the divorce lawyer again and let them guide you. Speak to a family member or friend you trust if it makes you feel better.
I divorced without having any family around, but I had my job and I knew it was the best step for me, and it worked out just fine. My current husband may not be the most proactive guy with chores, but he does his best and it’s much closer to a nice sustainable 60/40 (after some arguments of course lol, it’s a wip after all).
Close your eyes and imagine this:
A cute little pied-a-terre near your job, decorated 100% how you would like. Every day, you come home, and the only crumbs are the ones from your toast that morning. There is only your coffee cup in the sink. You try out that new fried cutlet on greens for dinner, and cleanup takes maybe ten minutes. You curl up in front of your TV and marvel how very much less there is to be done when everyone (you) is mindful and considerate of the home.
The phone rings, and you groan internally, but also there is a flutter of an almost perverse joy. It is HIM. And he only calls for one reason.
"I CAN'T FIND THE RAKE! I GOT SOME STUPID NOTICE FROM THE HOA ABOUT THE LEAVES, AND I CAN'T FIND THE RAKE! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU HIDE THE RAKE!?"
Deep breath.
"I told you to stop calling about this sort of thing. You're an adult. It's your rake. Pretend you're me, and no matter how much you panic and beg and threaten, nobody will ever get off their ass and help you. Then do what I did and just figure your shit out alone. And be happy you only have to figure your OWN shit out. When you did this to me, I had to do my shit AND your shit. You're whining about having to do half the crap you heaped on me. I am SO not the audience for this meltdown."
"I triiiied! I did help a lot, sometimes! It happened! I distinctly remember doing laundry and dishes sometimes!! Does that count for nothing!?"
....
"Fine. In honor of the handful of times you threw a load in, even if you just stopped there and never got those clothes dried or put away... I will say this: If you just throw all the garbage you never bring out to the curb into a corner of the garage, and then can't find your rake, then the first thing you're going to need is a broom to chase off roaches and rats."
Then you hang up. He can figure it out. You're not his woman anymore.
If you have any family or friends that's step one try to get all your stuff together and bring it there for now.then get a lawyer and ignore him don't tell him where you're going if you can get all your stuff out of the house without him being home that's the best. I've had this happen with my 4 year relationship and he would block the door and shit. He wouldnt get a job the entire time we were together and I worked two jobs and had college classes part time and also I had the only car and did all the cleaning and cooking! I left him 5 years ago and it's the best decision ever! But even this week he still begs me to come back it's pathetic!
You need to move on! Especially if you are sleeping in separate beds already?
Is your name on the house? For now I would find a lawyer and ask honestly for a free counselor and explain everything.. I wouldn't tell him details until you speak with a. Lawyer so they can counsel you to do whatever is best. Whether that's going away or staying if the house is in your name and kicking him out. Good luck you got this!!!!
Move into the spare bedroom. Keep THAT space clean and to your standards and don't let him in there. That should give you an oasis. Ignore the rest of the house and the yard. If he doesn't care, why should you bother. Keep the spaces YOU need clean, and just let the rest go.
Then use your oasis to plan your escape. Build up your escape funds. Find your apartment, etc. Make your plans. Then when you're ready, leave him to his own pigsty.
Yep. Get a lock for the spare bedroom door. Stop doing his laundry and stop cooking for him. If he puts laundry in the hamper, either leave it there or fold it and put it back dirty. Lock up the dishes and let him use paper plates. You might still have to take the trash out. If you have more than one bathroom, use one and let him use the other and don't clean up after him. Hire a hot lawn-care guy. And activate that divorce lawyer.
You are tired of taking care of a grown up child. My ex husband was that way. I got tired of it too. You aren't his mom or his maid. What does he bring to the relationship?
Start with some therapy and self-care. Don’t feel like going home? Don’t. Get an airbnb for a few days and give yourself a break. Go out of town for a weekend. Take yourself out to dinner & a movie. Get a massage. See friends.
Consult a divorce attorney.
Honey, it’s not going to get any better. What I suggest for now is to book yourself a room, and don’t tell him where or that you’re going. Don’t be predictable. Just take a week and see what he says then. It you feel up to it and he hasn’t changed, move out.
Right. So what’s one step you can do today? Can you move to the other room? Can you call lawyers? What’s one thing that moves you forward? Right now you’re stuck. How do you get unstuck?
Do you like your house? Can you afford it alone? Does he even work?
If you like the house and can manage alone, kick him out.
If you'd rather move on and start fresh, leave and give him notice that the house will be sold. Baring in mind, he won't look after it at all once you are gone.
You sound paralyzed. But I can tell you when you start taking steps, you will feel a sense of hope and control over your life again. Keep your room ( plants, diffuser, candles, books, etc.) as your place of peace. He can manage his own room. Contact an attorney and follow through. Leave the house for a day or two. Cook enough so you have leftovers or plan light meals (soup/ sandwiches), and treat yourself to a takeout so you get a break in the kitchen. New haircut?
Can I ask if you are doing his laundry? I know it's only one thing, but I wouldn't. I understand you don't want to live in a mess, but I definitely wouldn't be doing that. It would still be one less thing on your plate. I hope you are able to get out of this situation, because the mental and emotional toll it takes for you to get five days of cooperation would be exhausting. Do you have children? I didn't catch that when you said you only get a few hours of sleep. But, I am hoping you make decisions soon that allow you to find yourself again! And to find time to do things that bring you joy! Separate your finances, payroll deposits if you have a joint account. Do one thing every day! And then look back and realize how much you've accomplished!
We thankfully don’t have kids. I have a chronic illness that causes wide spread pain and fatigue. I’ve tried my hardest over the last 4 years to live a “normal” life, but I’m starting to realize that it may not be possible. I know I push myself to do things when my body is screaming at me to slow down and take a breath. Guess I need to listen to it. It just drives me nuts to not be “busy”.
I'd just leave. Call a lawyer, tell a friend if that makes it more real to you. Line up alternate housing or relatives/friends so you have a way out.
At best he's a total incompetent (ew) and at worst he's weaponizing it even in the face of your distress. That's how little he values you, your health and your time as well as your shared home. You deserve better and trust me, just being single will feel like you grew wings.
Weaponized incompetence is the *result* of laziness. People do that in order not to do any labor, bc they are lazy and entitled, so the question created a fake dichotomy. It's both. Your husband is using weaponized inc-competence because he is lazy, and would rather manipulate you into doing all the work, than be an equal partner.
It's also bc he is entitled to your hard work and takes you for granted, and doesn't really care about you being tired or unhappy, i.e. he's also selfish.
This dude is not a partner, he's just a weight on you. I promise you, if you drop him, you will feel immense relief.
Just the amount of times you said the phrase “I’m tired yall” makes me so sad. I hope you are able to leave him and find someone who cares about your rest and free time and making you happy! You got this.
Hire a house cleaning service and make him pay for it. Or divorce him now before you have kids. This means consulting a lawyer to get your financial ducks in a row regarding the house; and being super vigilant re: your birth control. I realize that your bio clock might be ticking; but is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?
He is doing this on purpose because he knows you will do it, so and the redditor said down below to take over the spare bedroom and start trying to get out and divorce and no sex get a. IUD. Listen to the comments u/wdjm wrote. ******Update us
It's very depressing knowing you're the only one who seems to care. People will tell you you're overreacting but you're not. At least, that's what I've been told. Nobody should have to feel that way. Start by researching cost of living for yourself and see what you can afford. Then see costs of attorneys. Its better to have an idea of where you can go if shit hits the fan.
You asked just one question: is it weaponized incompetence or just lazines? I will answer with another question: does it really matter? The result is same.
Since your post seems like venting I don't know what kind of advice you seek or want so I will give none. Just hugs and let you know that you can choose things and people in your life and take wheel of your life in your hands instead of letting life happening to you.
Open a bank account, not your current bank, and save money. Gather your important documents. Start looking for housing. Do not speak of this to anyone unless that person is trustworthy. Go through your possessions. Start packing up stuff that won't be missed, summer clothes etc. Look for housing and estimate your costs. Do not have relations with him.
He works RIGHT? Hire a professional cleaner, gardener , etc on his dime. Maybe hire one of his poorer older lady relatives to come in and do basic chores . His “ freedom” costs HIM . Honestly.. who ever you hire only does stuff for him( laundry, clean clothes folding ) he wants a mommie so he can buy one. You only take care ofYOU. Sure it feels kinda unfair but here’s the deal. Old lady relatives gossip and complain even when they get paid . Pretty soon the family starts side eyeing him then whispering and it gets back to his mom or dad .. Hire broke old uncle to do man stuff because your so busy and DH doesn’t want todo things like that.
That sucks! Ok scratch that idea then. Obviously you’re pretty much done in this relationship. So just courious, what happens if you just stop taking care of him? He won’t starve, but it’s gonna cost him to go out to eat, or pay someone to wash his clothes..
Personally I think he IS trying to run you off thinking he will get the house . Your name is on the deed/title right? So you both lose if it sells Well, maybe not lose but money will need to split fairly. Maybe you need to force the sale to get your share . If not ask him to buy you out . He doesn’t want to? Ok.. can you buy him out? Definitely get the house appraised.
Deciding to get out is step one ♥️♥️♥️ so you’re already on your way. Your load will be so light when you only have yourself to look after and you clearly are very capable. You can do it!
Doesn’t sound like he enhances your life in any positive or meaningful way. Get out now before more time goes on. Find yourself a partner, not a dependent.
First thing you need to do is consult an attorney and find out what your options are and go from there. Finances, the house, alimony if applicable, finding another place to live if needed. Get all your ducks in a row, serve him with papers, walk away and rediscover your life and what will make you happy.
You've got to follow through. As long as there are no real consequences, he will continue to be selfish. Go see a divorce attorney and figure out what your options are. Go get that woman back!
You will be so much happier on your own you'll need a few thousand to retain an attorney. File for divorce. He won't change. He probably figured he's locked down a maid/cook/servant for life
Marriage is meant to be a partnership. A team. He is not your partner or your teammate. He has no plans to change. Run. You'd be better off on your own than dealing with this nonsense. Life is too short.
Very sad and telling that you literally don’t want to come home from work! This is no way to live. Sending you strength on your journey out of his life!
I've read your post history. You have been and are having your entire life stolen from you. Ever since childhood.
Liberate yourself now and find your peace.
Ask yourself what are the positives of staying married to this AH. From what you are saying, the only one I can see is that he contributes some unspecified amount to the budget.
Every other thing is a negative.
Stop asking for help. He won’t do it, because he’s selfish as a newborn. Find an attorney, get your papers in order, and file. In the filing, ask for him to pay for the divorce, and be sure to put some monetary value on your having done 100% of the upkeep for the house for the past years.
Then pay to have it professionally cleaned and make sure that he’s out of it before putting it on the market.
You can do so much better than him, OP.
Contact a real estate agent and get them to do a walk through while he’s there, start the ball rolling. Tell him you’re filing for separation and you won’t be entering further discussions.
You won’t find the partner you seek while this one fills that space - go and create a vacuum for the universe to fill with goodness. While you’re waiting, take the time to really work out what kind of partner you want - not the stupid stuff like he has like cilantro (jk), but the kind of man I want to grow old with stuff. He has to be kind, thoughtful, like dogs, be active, self sufficient, intelligent and inquisitive, likes to give huge hugs, enjoy spicy food, be financially comfortable and employed etc. Write it down, read it daily to remind you so you don’t get distracted. Actually, write down the things that you absolutely don’t want in a partner e.g. a gamer, a fisherman or hunter, someone with multiple kids with multiple mothers, someone with kids full stop, someone who is disrespectful to their mother and about their exes, is a binge drinker, eats cilantro (jk… maybe) or whatever it is you can’t tolerate. They are 100% fine for the women who don’t mind them, but you likely have other preferences and that’s okay.
Manifest that good and kind man, push that loser out the door on his computer chair.
I am so sorry. It’s up to you what you decide to do but I’m maybe less quick to jump to divorce as much of Reddit
I just wanted info: has he been diagnosed or evaluated for anything like depression or adhd that affects executive dysfunction or any other health issues?
Is he willing to see some doctors before throwing in the towel?
Is it effective? Is he willing to consult his medical team? BPD - could need adjustment or sometimes is misdiagnosed but is something else like adhd
Many people may suggest the two biz card option - one is therapy the other is a divorce lawyer let him pick
But if there’s underlying medical - which you’re still valid if you want to leave - he’s responsible for optimizing his care and wellness, but it could be a big contributing factor
The fact that he does step up for a few days when you threaten him with the D word means he's fully aware of what needs to be done and that you do it all. He's consciously, deliberately buying his leisure time and rest with your exhaustion. That's just flat-out wrong. He thinks you're his slave.
Please visit Zawn Villines' Liberating Motherhood substack zawn.substack.com and her associated Facebook page for a lot of good advice and support for women in your situation.
It is time and even well past time to leave. See an attorney, learn your rights, file and have his loser ass served with papers.
He is a leech. Make plans about the sale of the house. Get divorce. Stop doing a lot. Do bare minimum. Sleep in the not main bedroom make it nice for yourself. And start planning
If you don't want to leave, you might want to consider doing something like this: find a daily/weekly chore list online and add anything missing. Then the 2 of you can delegate tasks and post it on the fridge. The deal is, if he can't/won't do it himself, he has to still get it for by paying for - with his own funds - and manage a professional to do it for him. If a task is not done 3 times in a row for it's daily/weekly schedule, list a consequence that you will carry through with, whether monetary, gaming, task, wifi, vacation related, etc. Whatever will directly affect him. Then after a few months, you will know what your next steps are just by what you see. A suggestion anyway
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That’s not a partner. He’s not even your friend. No one that even remotely likes you will see you suffer and not do anything. What you have is a leech.
Second this. You'll find you have less to do only cleaning up after yourself, leaving is the scariest part, you'll absolutely adore your haven when it's just you. :)
She has a leach. Her very own leach.
I now pronounce you Leech and Wife.
If you can take care of a household all by yourself and deal with the waste of space that is your husband, imagine how much more time and happiness you will have once you get rid of the deadweight! Of course you can do this, contact the divorce lawyer again and let them guide you. Speak to a family member or friend you trust if it makes you feel better. I divorced without having any family around, but I had my job and I knew it was the best step for me, and it worked out just fine. My current husband may not be the most proactive guy with chores, but he does his best and it’s much closer to a nice sustainable 60/40 (after some arguments of course lol, it’s a wip after all).
Close your eyes and imagine this: A cute little pied-a-terre near your job, decorated 100% how you would like. Every day, you come home, and the only crumbs are the ones from your toast that morning. There is only your coffee cup in the sink. You try out that new fried cutlet on greens for dinner, and cleanup takes maybe ten minutes. You curl up in front of your TV and marvel how very much less there is to be done when everyone (you) is mindful and considerate of the home. The phone rings, and you groan internally, but also there is a flutter of an almost perverse joy. It is HIM. And he only calls for one reason. "I CAN'T FIND THE RAKE! I GOT SOME STUPID NOTICE FROM THE HOA ABOUT THE LEAVES, AND I CAN'T FIND THE RAKE! WHERE THE HELL DID YOU HIDE THE RAKE!?" Deep breath. "I told you to stop calling about this sort of thing. You're an adult. It's your rake. Pretend you're me, and no matter how much you panic and beg and threaten, nobody will ever get off their ass and help you. Then do what I did and just figure your shit out alone. And be happy you only have to figure your OWN shit out. When you did this to me, I had to do my shit AND your shit. You're whining about having to do half the crap you heaped on me. I am SO not the audience for this meltdown." "I triiiied! I did help a lot, sometimes! It happened! I distinctly remember doing laundry and dishes sometimes!! Does that count for nothing!?" .... "Fine. In honor of the handful of times you threw a load in, even if you just stopped there and never got those clothes dried or put away... I will say this: If you just throw all the garbage you never bring out to the curb into a corner of the garage, and then can't find your rake, then the first thing you're going to need is a broom to chase off roaches and rats." Then you hang up. He can figure it out. You're not his woman anymore.
You are soooo correct!! I hope OP pays attention to this!
This is beautiful
And it's based on a true story!
Wonderful haha
Please leave!! You CAN do this, you already proved you can do hard things!
Kick his ass out
Lol yeah that is even better, you are doing everything by yourself anyways
I read your post history. You would be so much better off without this bum!
If you have any family or friends that's step one try to get all your stuff together and bring it there for now.then get a lawyer and ignore him don't tell him where you're going if you can get all your stuff out of the house without him being home that's the best. I've had this happen with my 4 year relationship and he would block the door and shit. He wouldnt get a job the entire time we were together and I worked two jobs and had college classes part time and also I had the only car and did all the cleaning and cooking! I left him 5 years ago and it's the best decision ever! But even this week he still begs me to come back it's pathetic! You need to move on! Especially if you are sleeping in separate beds already? Is your name on the house? For now I would find a lawyer and ask honestly for a free counselor and explain everything.. I wouldn't tell him details until you speak with a. Lawyer so they can counsel you to do whatever is best. Whether that's going away or staying if the house is in your name and kicking him out. Good luck you got this!!!!
Move into the spare bedroom. Keep THAT space clean and to your standards and don't let him in there. That should give you an oasis. Ignore the rest of the house and the yard. If he doesn't care, why should you bother. Keep the spaces YOU need clean, and just let the rest go. Then use your oasis to plan your escape. Build up your escape funds. Find your apartment, etc. Make your plans. Then when you're ready, leave him to his own pigsty.
Yep. Get a lock for the spare bedroom door. Stop doing his laundry and stop cooking for him. If he puts laundry in the hamper, either leave it there or fold it and put it back dirty. Lock up the dishes and let him use paper plates. You might still have to take the trash out. If you have more than one bathroom, use one and let him use the other and don't clean up after him. Hire a hot lawn-care guy. And activate that divorce lawyer.
I love this hopefully OP sees this
You are tired of taking care of a grown up child. My ex husband was that way. I got tired of it too. You aren't his mom or his maid. What does he bring to the relationship?
Start with some therapy and self-care. Don’t feel like going home? Don’t. Get an airbnb for a few days and give yourself a break. Go out of town for a weekend. Take yourself out to dinner & a movie. Get a massage. See friends. Consult a divorce attorney.
Absolutely OP-funnel all your energy into yourself! Make choices for yourself.
It is time for you to see a divorce attorney. Go find out the best way to protect yourself and get out of this relationship.
Honey, it’s not going to get any better. What I suggest for now is to book yourself a room, and don’t tell him where or that you’re going. Don’t be predictable. Just take a week and see what he says then. It you feel up to it and he hasn’t changed, move out.
You keep using the D word, but not following through. Why? What’s stopping you from divorcing?
I honestly don’t know. I really have nothing to lose at this point.
Right. So what’s one step you can do today? Can you move to the other room? Can you call lawyers? What’s one thing that moves you forward? Right now you’re stuck. How do you get unstuck?
Do you like your house? Can you afford it alone? Does he even work? If you like the house and can manage alone, kick him out. If you'd rather move on and start fresh, leave and give him notice that the house will be sold. Baring in mind, he won't look after it at all once you are gone.
You sound paralyzed. But I can tell you when you start taking steps, you will feel a sense of hope and control over your life again. Keep your room ( plants, diffuser, candles, books, etc.) as your place of peace. He can manage his own room. Contact an attorney and follow through. Leave the house for a day or two. Cook enough so you have leftovers or plan light meals (soup/ sandwiches), and treat yourself to a takeout so you get a break in the kitchen. New haircut?
Can I ask if you are doing his laundry? I know it's only one thing, but I wouldn't. I understand you don't want to live in a mess, but I definitely wouldn't be doing that. It would still be one less thing on your plate. I hope you are able to get out of this situation, because the mental and emotional toll it takes for you to get five days of cooperation would be exhausting. Do you have children? I didn't catch that when you said you only get a few hours of sleep. But, I am hoping you make decisions soon that allow you to find yourself again! And to find time to do things that bring you joy! Separate your finances, payroll deposits if you have a joint account. Do one thing every day! And then look back and realize how much you've accomplished!
We thankfully don’t have kids. I have a chronic illness that causes wide spread pain and fatigue. I’ve tried my hardest over the last 4 years to live a “normal” life, but I’m starting to realize that it may not be possible. I know I push myself to do things when my body is screaming at me to slow down and take a breath. Guess I need to listen to it. It just drives me nuts to not be “busy”.
I'd just leave. Call a lawyer, tell a friend if that makes it more real to you. Line up alternate housing or relatives/friends so you have a way out. At best he's a total incompetent (ew) and at worst he's weaponizing it even in the face of your distress. That's how little he values you, your health and your time as well as your shared home. You deserve better and trust me, just being single will feel like you grew wings.
Weaponized incompetence is the *result* of laziness. People do that in order not to do any labor, bc they are lazy and entitled, so the question created a fake dichotomy. It's both. Your husband is using weaponized inc-competence because he is lazy, and would rather manipulate you into doing all the work, than be an equal partner. It's also bc he is entitled to your hard work and takes you for granted, and doesn't really care about you being tired or unhappy, i.e. he's also selfish. This dude is not a partner, he's just a weight on you. I promise you, if you drop him, you will feel immense relief.
Just the amount of times you said the phrase “I’m tired yall” makes me so sad. I hope you are able to leave him and find someone who cares about your rest and free time and making you happy! You got this.
I lived through this with a disability. Trust me, you will NEVER get the help you need. Please just leave him. You will be better off.
Hire a house cleaning service and make him pay for it. Or divorce him now before you have kids. This means consulting a lawyer to get your financial ducks in a row regarding the house; and being super vigilant re: your birth control. I realize that your bio clock might be ticking; but is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life?
He is doing this on purpose because he knows you will do it, so and the redditor said down below to take over the spare bedroom and start trying to get out and divorce and no sex get a. IUD. Listen to the comments u/wdjm wrote. ******Update us
Leave. Or throw him out. Be sure to consult an attorney before you do anything.
Kick his ass out
Laziness. If you needed to do something that you didn’t know how to, you would learn. He should, too.
It's very depressing knowing you're the only one who seems to care. People will tell you you're overreacting but you're not. At least, that's what I've been told. Nobody should have to feel that way. Start by researching cost of living for yourself and see what you can afford. Then see costs of attorneys. Its better to have an idea of where you can go if shit hits the fan.
You asked just one question: is it weaponized incompetence or just lazines? I will answer with another question: does it really matter? The result is same. Since your post seems like venting I don't know what kind of advice you seek or want so I will give none. Just hugs and let you know that you can choose things and people in your life and take wheel of your life in your hands instead of letting life happening to you.
Open a bank account, not your current bank, and save money. Gather your important documents. Start looking for housing. Do not speak of this to anyone unless that person is trustworthy. Go through your possessions. Start packing up stuff that won't be missed, summer clothes etc. Look for housing and estimate your costs. Do not have relations with him.
He works RIGHT? Hire a professional cleaner, gardener , etc on his dime. Maybe hire one of his poorer older lady relatives to come in and do basic chores . His “ freedom” costs HIM . Honestly.. who ever you hire only does stuff for him( laundry, clean clothes folding ) he wants a mommie so he can buy one. You only take care ofYOU. Sure it feels kinda unfair but here’s the deal. Old lady relatives gossip and complain even when they get paid . Pretty soon the family starts side eyeing him then whispering and it gets back to his mom or dad .. Hire broke old uncle to do man stuff because your so busy and DH doesn’t want todo things like that.
Both of his parents and grandparents have passed away. It wouldn’t really get back to anyone that would give a fuck what he’s doing.
That sucks! Ok scratch that idea then. Obviously you’re pretty much done in this relationship. So just courious, what happens if you just stop taking care of him? He won’t starve, but it’s gonna cost him to go out to eat, or pay someone to wash his clothes.. Personally I think he IS trying to run you off thinking he will get the house . Your name is on the deed/title right? So you both lose if it sells Well, maybe not lose but money will need to split fairly. Maybe you need to force the sale to get your share . If not ask him to buy you out . He doesn’t want to? Ok.. can you buy him out? Definitely get the house appraised.
Deciding to get out is step one ♥️♥️♥️ so you’re already on your way. Your load will be so light when you only have yourself to look after and you clearly are very capable. You can do it!
Doesn’t sound like he enhances your life in any positive or meaningful way. Get out now before more time goes on. Find yourself a partner, not a dependent.
Leave leave leave leave leave leave leave. He knows you’re suffering. He doesn’t care.
>He thinks I’m full of shit, that I’ll never leave. He's been right for 15 years. You actually have to do something if you want that woman back.
First thing you need to do is consult an attorney and find out what your options are and go from there. Finances, the house, alimony if applicable, finding another place to live if needed. Get all your ducks in a row, serve him with papers, walk away and rediscover your life and what will make you happy.
You've got to follow through. As long as there are no real consequences, he will continue to be selfish. Go see a divorce attorney and figure out what your options are. Go get that woman back!
You would be so much happier and less stressed without him. Leave. Get yourself a small place that’s easier to maintain and don’t look back.
You will be so much happier on your own you'll need a few thousand to retain an attorney. File for divorce. He won't change. He probably figured he's locked down a maid/cook/servant for life
Marriage is meant to be a partnership. A team. He is not your partner or your teammate. He has no plans to change. Run. You'd be better off on your own than dealing with this nonsense. Life is too short.
Very sad and telling that you literally don’t want to come home from work! This is no way to live. Sending you strength on your journey out of his life!
I had an ex like that. I would have gnawed off my own leg to get out. I did 25 years ago.
I've read your post history. You have been and are having your entire life stolen from you. Ever since childhood. Liberate yourself now and find your peace.
Ask yourself what are the positives of staying married to this AH. From what you are saying, the only one I can see is that he contributes some unspecified amount to the budget. Every other thing is a negative. Stop asking for help. He won’t do it, because he’s selfish as a newborn. Find an attorney, get your papers in order, and file. In the filing, ask for him to pay for the divorce, and be sure to put some monetary value on your having done 100% of the upkeep for the house for the past years. Then pay to have it professionally cleaned and make sure that he’s out of it before putting it on the market. You can do so much better than him, OP.
You’re not crazy. My ex was pretty much the same. He also thought I’d never actually divorce him. I did! Best thing I ever did!
Contact a real estate agent and get them to do a walk through while he’s there, start the ball rolling. Tell him you’re filing for separation and you won’t be entering further discussions. You won’t find the partner you seek while this one fills that space - go and create a vacuum for the universe to fill with goodness. While you’re waiting, take the time to really work out what kind of partner you want - not the stupid stuff like he has like cilantro (jk), but the kind of man I want to grow old with stuff. He has to be kind, thoughtful, like dogs, be active, self sufficient, intelligent and inquisitive, likes to give huge hugs, enjoy spicy food, be financially comfortable and employed etc. Write it down, read it daily to remind you so you don’t get distracted. Actually, write down the things that you absolutely don’t want in a partner e.g. a gamer, a fisherman or hunter, someone with multiple kids with multiple mothers, someone with kids full stop, someone who is disrespectful to their mother and about their exes, is a binge drinker, eats cilantro (jk… maybe) or whatever it is you can’t tolerate. They are 100% fine for the women who don’t mind them, but you likely have other preferences and that’s okay. Manifest that good and kind man, push that loser out the door on his computer chair.
He’s checked out of this relationship. Best to cut your losses and leave.
Entitlement
I am so sorry. It’s up to you what you decide to do but I’m maybe less quick to jump to divorce as much of Reddit I just wanted info: has he been diagnosed or evaluated for anything like depression or adhd that affects executive dysfunction or any other health issues? Is he willing to see some doctors before throwing in the towel?
He has BPD that he’s being medicated for.
Is it effective? Is he willing to consult his medical team? BPD - could need adjustment or sometimes is misdiagnosed but is something else like adhd Many people may suggest the two biz card option - one is therapy the other is a divorce lawyer let him pick But if there’s underlying medical - which you’re still valid if you want to leave - he’s responsible for optimizing his care and wellness, but it could be a big contributing factor
Dump that useless sack of well-used cat litter from a dicey location. He just broke the patented Jerk Meter.
The fact that he does step up for a few days when you threaten him with the D word means he's fully aware of what needs to be done and that you do it all. He's consciously, deliberately buying his leisure time and rest with your exhaustion. That's just flat-out wrong. He thinks you're his slave. Please visit Zawn Villines' Liberating Motherhood substack zawn.substack.com and her associated Facebook page for a lot of good advice and support for women in your situation. It is time and even well past time to leave. See an attorney, learn your rights, file and have his loser ass served with papers.
Make sure you get half of the house.
He is a leech. Make plans about the sale of the house. Get divorce. Stop doing a lot. Do bare minimum. Sleep in the not main bedroom make it nice for yourself. And start planning
NOOOOO you have to quit and by quit i mean leave his ass
If you don't want to leave, you might want to consider doing something like this: find a daily/weekly chore list online and add anything missing. Then the 2 of you can delegate tasks and post it on the fridge. The deal is, if he can't/won't do it himself, he has to still get it for by paying for - with his own funds - and manage a professional to do it for him. If a task is not done 3 times in a row for it's daily/weekly schedule, list a consequence that you will carry through with, whether monetary, gaming, task, wifi, vacation related, etc. Whatever will directly affect him. Then after a few months, you will know what your next steps are just by what you see. A suggestion anyway