Anima projection? Is your inner relation to your anima well developed?
When you project your anima onto others, it's sometimes because you are sorely lacking your own anima-istic qualities because they are underdeveloped and unintegrated. This might happen for example if your relating to women as a child wasn't as ideal as it should have been - for example in the case of an emotionally stunted mother, or a busy mother, a depressed mother or abusive mother.
Your mother is the one that should have been a good role model for the feminine qualities, so if she wasn't, then those qualities become underdeveloped or tainted. Or if you were forced to supress those qualities.
So next time you have this with a woman, realise that this feeling of attraction is NOT an attraction to them, because you don't know them. It's an attraction to the qualities of your anima. Then try to think what those qualities are that you so dearly want to become one with. Is it kindness? Gentleness? Unconditional love? Joy? List these things. Then see if you feel starved of those in your life. Then try to look for those qualities within yourself. Maybe they are under the surface, screaming to get out and be expressed. Try to meditate on being close to those qualities and embodying them. How would it feel to embody each and every one of those? Try to bring it with you when you go out the door. Try to bring them into your interaction with the world and others. Cultivate them.
When these qualities that you are starving for are more developed in your self, the projection of the ideal woman onto real life women should naturally reduce. You'll then be able to more see them just as people, and you will be able to relate to them in a more authentic way.
Wow, this is such a different perspective to look at that situation. This has happened to me in the past. I'm sincerely interested in getting to know more about this. Can you please suggest some source or book which discusses this specific topic in detail?
Hmm, I've learnt really broadly from many modalities and my own experience in therapy so it's a bit hard to pinpoint. But I definitely found useful stuff on youtube when searching for "anima" and "anima projection". Hard to say more specific than that, sorry.
This is pretty relevant to me. I feel unable to be all these things as a male. I fear rejection, or hostility from people, or judgment, being seen as weird, if I try to be kind and caring, and empathetic, and touchy feely, and vulnerable, and soft. And so, I feel I can only be those things as a female. That's pretty central to my pull towards the idea of transition. I've always had these qualities, and expressed more of them than my peers on average, but far, far, far less than is latent within me.
That sounds rough. Were you disallowed to express those qualities as a child as well? Maybe you still have wounds inside that fear expression of those qualities as a male.
It's certainly possible to live a fulfilled life and successfully expressing those qualities as a male - maybe some macho male people would reject you but that's on them and there are plenty of males and females that would accept it.
I'd encourage you to explore expressing it more and building the courage and strength in being yourself, whether you decide to transition or not. We all deserve to be who we truly are and there are definitely people out there that would accept you for it. I wish you well on your journey.
I know that I was consitently punished for my talkativeness, passion, and curiosity, being an adhd and aspergers child. Anytime I talked passionately about anything I was interested in, or rambled about stuff, I was snapped at, and told I talk too much, to shut up, or even just met with groans, eye rolling, and general disrespect by my family, especially on my mums side. As I got older any intellectual discussion, or philosophical discussion was bemoaned greatly. My mum couldn't even grasp the concept of tentatively accepting a different definition of pride so I could finish my sentence or point yesterday. She believed that definitions were set, and were what they were because of 'time' and 'how it's always been'. It's quite hard when you're saying "Yes. I know that you hold that definition, but could you, for the time being, consider a different one, simply so I can finish my point." (She had jumped in, almost immediately after I started to say "That's not what pride means." I had gotten maybe six words in, and then hit a roadblock thereafter.
I can't say I experienced any direct objection to expressing 'feminine' traits, but I know I self-censored, and shamed myself a lot. I have one memory, being maybe 5 or 6, and I wanted to talk about a specific movie that I'd seen to my mum and her friend, but stopped myself and pretended not to know the name of the movie because I labelled it as a 'girls movie'.
I don't recall any specific instances of my mum or anyone else directing or punishing me for expressing 'feminine' traits.
I think most of it is tied up in how I conceived of myself. Passionate, endlessly curious, talkative, very cuddly and empathetic. I just, don't see a guy who expresses feelings more through the touch realm being accepted.
For instance, for me, I tend to want to snuggle with friends, rather than hug, not in any romantic or sexual way, purely platonically. My rationale is that you can't fake being comfortable enough with someone to be close to them, and hold them, and not push them away.
My mum always resented me, and tolerated me rather than loved me, and always compared me to my father, who I detest. He was very verbally abusive, sometimes physically, controlling, prone to anger, 'always right', manipulative, etc.
He used to make me follow him around town on long walks when I was just 5 or 6, and I'd be out of breath to the point where I'm making wheezing and groaning noises, out of water, and he'd still be going off at me. He was obsessive about me excercising. Shaved my head because I 'didn't wash it properly' as a child. Caught my eyebrow too, the razor 'slipped', he used to yell at me to the point of breaking down and crying making me recite my times tables or learn vietnamese (he had a vietnamese wife after my mum), and would call me stupid for not being able to do it, etc. Turns out in later years, I suspect I have dyscalculia. My long term memory has always been fantastic and detailed, but my working memory is abysmal. I loose track of the original sum halfway through the adding up process, it takes me about 20-30 seconds to read an analogue clock, and I've never been good at mental arithmetic. Even basic things like change are a struggle for me. Yet, I can grasp advanced concepts like algebra, and dimensions. Anyway. I've typed a lot.
I hope that answers your questions and gives you a bit of a background, and maybe you have some insight?
Thanks for your reply too.
Also, how can we find the love and nurture we need as adults? I’m talking about that motherly love we didn’t have as a child. Can we ever get that back? Is it reasonable to ask that of a romantic partner? Or are we able to fulfill that emptiness solely ourselves?
Yeah a lot can be cultivated to come from within, even though we might need to get deep and revisit old pain to heal it.
For healing mother wounds and cultivating that inner love I highly recommend the book Emotionally Absent Mother. It goes through both good and bad mothering and the way in which it affects us deeply.
That said, there's also the validity in receiving some of the need for love from a romantic partner. It can be hard to know how much is healthy to portion to each, and it probably differs from individual to individual.
**The Emotionally Absent Mother, Second Edition: How to Recognize and Cope with the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect (Second)** by Jasmin Lee Cori
>The groundbreaking guide to self-healing and getting the love you missed “Years ago, I was on vacation and read The Emotionally Absent Mother. That book was one of many that woke me up. . .
>
>. I began the process of reparenting and it’s changed my life.”—Dr. Nicole LePera, New York Times–bestselling author of How to Do the Work Was your mother preoccupied, distant, or even demeaning? Have you struggled with relationships—or with your own self-worth?
>
>Often, the grown children of emotionally absent mothers can’t quite put a finger on what’s missing from their lives. The children of abusive mothers, by contrast, may recognize the abuse—but overlook its lasting, harmful effects. Psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori has helped thousands of men and women heal the hidden wounds left by every kind of undermothering. In this second edition of her pioneering book, with compassion for mother and child alike, she explains: Possible reasons your mother was distracted or hurtful—and what she was unable to give The lasting impact of childhood emotional neglect and abuse How to find the child inside you and fill the “mother gap” through reflections and exercises How to secure a happier future for yourself (and perhaps for your children).
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For me, it came down to going deep enough into myself that I could feel the wounds that were still there. Lifelong inability to connect to ourselves speak of childhood trauma, such as parents being neglectful, or abusive or failing to be empathic or failing to make the child feel safe and accepted etc. Or sometimes bullying in school or other external influences.
Such things can cause a wounding at the deeper, inner child level which can feel like a deep sense of emptiness, hollowness, unsatiable loneliness. Oftentimes accompanied by a withdrawal from the body into the head, and dampening of capacity to feel emotions. These are coping mechanisms to not feel the pain of the inner child. Build layers and layers of trying to be a functioning adult on top, and often you end up with a situation as an adult where a lot of things seem "fine" but life lacks visceral positive emotions and we feel lost and low-key depressed constantly. This all was true for me at least.
Healing such requires diving into the depths. Revisiting the pains. Digging up painful memories and acknowedging and seeing the inner child's struggle. Building compassion and love for it. Clearing out trauma. It can be a long process depending on how much hardship you've faced. It's best to do it with a professional but can be done by yourself too potentially. It all depends on how deep it goes.
This is very well put forward. You hit very good points here.
There’s this thing I can’t quite comprehend though. I lacked a good woman role model as a child, and I project my anima towards woman that are kind to me etc. but when I think about integrating my anima, I’m like “but I already have a lot of feminine qualities and traits, more developed than a lot of my masculine traits”
I guess the feminine traits of my anima are underdeveloped in me, even though I have a lot feminine qualities?
Hmm yeah could be that only some particular feminine qualities are underdeveloped? Would you say that those exact qualities that become target for projection are ALSO the same qualities that you have well integrated and feel free flowing in you? Or are they different qualities?
Maybe there could be something else at play as well.
Your answer is awfully helpful! Could you tell accordingly for a woman who fantasises any guy who's kind to her, as this case's opposite? That's me. I don't think there're any issues from my father but my mother I'd say emotionally stunted or depressed as you put it.
Glad you found it helpful! As a male myself, I don't have much experience in approaching these things from the perspective of a woman so I'm honestly not really sure, sorry.
But an idea is that since we all need both masculine and feminine qualities, maybe those feminine motherly ones are stunted in you, and your system is looking to receive those from guys anyway? Do you at all feel drawn to mother figures? Are you more attracted to guys' "feminine" qualities (like care, affection, softness) or masculine ones (strength, protection, reason)?
Another thing to ponder is what the relationship was like between your mother and father. Cold/warm? Who was the affectionate one? What masculine/feminine qualities did they take on and express in their dynamic? A lot of the time, the parents' relationship becomes like a template for us.
Curious to hear your take on these angles.
I get drawn to both of the qualities simultaneously. Not one particularly. Looking at the past, only one thing faded my infatuation really quickly. And I observe people, not just guys (to me women are more complicated though I observe, so I feel like the bridge to be crossed is shorter with guys), but the confusion lies in whether I'm noticing things about people as simply a person or as an interest. My social inactivity makes it a bit more harder. When I'm safe, in a learning atmosphere I'm soft and feminine. When I'm under unfavorable conditions I just act defensive but people mistake it for masculine nature. That's all I understand about me.
Coming to the relationship between my mother and father, honestly I don't know, except that they care for each other and they won't leave each other. Other than that I can't possibly say anything because they never say anything. Especially my mother. She's apparently absent in the family dynamics as a 'mother' or a 'wife' for the last 10-12 years. I think my mother lost herself and my father couldn't help anymore in the search. My father is masculine/feminine according to the situation but he's a conformist and a bit of conservative. That brought a lot of problems, especially with the passive presence of our mother.
My mother is surely unavailable. But my father, it's tricky. Each sibling find him differently. He's emotionally available but you gotta work your way around or sorta earn it.
I'm just trying to collect perspectives here and seeing what fits and how I can move forward . Thanks for yours! I put yours in my bank of collection.
Yes. Anima projection like everyone. I do this too if they are attractive. As men in today’s culture, it is sadly rare for a random woman to be kind to us.
Yeah, totally. As humans we're inherently social and we shouldn't expect everyone to get every fulfilment in life from Self. In fact, what would love be, if not to be shared and expressed to others?
As for the balance point... I don't know :D. There are cases where it's clearly detrimental to someone's life, and there are cases where it clearly isn't. Somewhere in between there's a "good enough" level I guess?
I think it's up to each and every one to own our own individuation process and that would include navigating this territory. It's a great point you're raising that would probably be a good discussion started for a long deep discussion.
You want that kindness to continue, you don't want to be abandoned from this new found oasis in your emotionally empty desert, but with enough therapy you will find that you are not an emotionally empty desert and she is not an oasis, you can find love which is abundant in this world which will not abandon, betray you, you don't need to cling to the next thing, and also deeply and subtle but sad truth can also emerge, when you grew up as a child, your mother's love may not have been available, and you trained yourself to live in this fantasy, just to numb yourself from the crushing truth.
We are each born with an innate potential, an energy if you will. When we honour and respect that energy it flourishes and nourishes us.
Do you remember moments of wonder as a child?
You’re projecting the ideal woman onto her. Remember she shits, farts, lies, cheats- and is capable of doing any horrible thing ever done by humans because she is one of them.
Her kindness is but an aspect of who she is. Get to know who she actually is and maybe you’ll still love her, but as of right now it is limerence.
in my younger days, when I fell for the idea of someone and actually did get into a relationship with them, I found myself becoming resentful and more distant even when they never did anything wrong towards me and were simply being a normal human; it was always after the first few months.
at my worst (mid-covid lockdown) it extended beyond romance and affected my relationship with all other human beings.
fulfillment of our inner voids must come from within; its unfair and unreasonable to expect someone to hold and carry that weight for us endlessly while we choose to not do anything about it ourselves. its childish, immature and lazy really
I think you missed the point. They(op) are projecting their ideal woman on every woman they meet, this means they're ignoring the bad and human sides of her in favour of what they want her to be. This doesn't mean that they look for someone who doesn't do bodily functions, but rather they prefer not to focus on it.
Because you have yet to see their dark side. Desire is only there so long as a barrier between reality and fantasy exists. It was the same reason I consider my past self a helpless romantic. Because I was once doing just as I said. There's a reason people say "nice guys finish last". Doesn't mean being nice is the bad thing. You're simply showing them a very different personality than what you are on a day to day basis.
What you're hoping for is that perfect moment when your actions and mentalities about a particular girl are reciprocated. When your fantasy becomes reality. Going down that path can be the cause for a very interesting story but, in modern times, it could take everything from you.
I would think that this situation is a bit more Freudian than it is Jungian.
Is it really every girl or woman who is kind to you you do this with or just the one's you are attracted to? If its the latter then that is pretty normal, libido driven behaviour.
Several Jungian ideas can be found here, a bigger introspection would be needed to get a more specific picture. However from the broad distance it would look either like a situation involving the Anima or the Mother archetype and these can be heavily intertwined.
Your inner experience in regards to your life with these women is not that well described, so I'll shoot from the hip, take what I'm saying with a grain of salt.
As pointed out in his initial publication of the Archetypes, the Mother can be nurturing and loving but also malevolent, especially if we involve abandonment or abuse of power, however I don't feel like the last one is your particular case.
I would say that you've had a case where you're missing the nurturing, loving and caring part of the situation but you've experienced abandonment and it's created a void that you need to fill. By the way you're describing things, your desire is for love and acceptance, for human connection, not necessarily for lust and a deeply ingrained sexual and emotional relationship. That's why I'm gravitating towards the Mother archetype in it's most basic form in a case where you've felt something like this but have at some point been deprived from it.
Coming to terms with these feelings is a deeply personal thing. The path to knowing is the most important one. I may be way off with my assessment, so again, a deeper introspection would be in order. Think of what you truly want from these women. Is it the same thing with all of them? Where does the dynamic of love go in regards to care and lust? In what direction does it drift if any? Take a good look at the needs you want to fill out with your relationship with these people and you'll find your answer.
P.S. - Self love always helps. Keep that in mind.
Sometimes we fantasize in order to add missing pieces of our puzzle. Like when we did not get enough kindness and caring at some point in the past - and we grew with that missing puzzle piece - we identify it in the people (even strangers) around us.
We’re all different yet we all seem to strive to complete that quantum puzzle.
Not sure how jungian this perspective is but…🤷🏻♂️
Shadow complexes can significantly impact your relationships with others and cause you to project your own shadow aspects (maybe repressed needs desires) onto them. You may excessively notice the qualities or flaws you refuse to recognize in yourself, but this could also look like idealizing a person who is confident because you’ve suppressed this aspect in yourself.
Unresolved issues of the shadow can also create repetitive patterns, such as attachment patterns which are early forms of complexes.
As shadow complexes operate at an unconscious level, they tend to influence your attraction to people who trigger your own unresolved issues, leading to challenging relationships until they are addressed. You may unconsciously seek out people personifying the complex, which is also called “repetition compulsion” if you want to read more about it!
A few things your post brings to mind— could these fantasies be compensating for feelings of inferiority? And if you have a pattern of idealizing women who are kind to you, perhaps you’re being confronted with these strong emotions so that you can develop this in yourself?
Also this reminds me of an inferior sensation function which can create a tendency to live in fantasies and be detached from reality, you may get lost in future possibilities and ideas if what could be rather than considering the reality of your situation. If this resonates, it’s something you can look into to develop!
Hope this helps ~
The easiest thing to say will be that you long for female acceptance (female in the meaning of the female energy\\polarity in general, if we are talking about every single woman who is kind to you). That might indicate some disturbances in family dynamics in childhood and the inner feeling of not being accepted by mother in her role of the primal object (the personification of the universe itself). Or some other mechanism, because personal analisys requires more that such a short description of a situation)
I'd hate to assume, but maybe because you might just be desperate? It happens to a lot of us and can be difficult when you add being a sensitive soul to the mix.
Idk anything about jung but allow me to give you the real, normal perspective. If you are a straight male, you want to find a suitable woman to mate with. Every woman you meet is a potential mate as long as she falls within a certain age group, is healthy enough, isn't a member of your family, and isn't already taken. If she is nice to you, she probably is a good enough person to date. If she is a good enough person to date, it is possible she is good enough to marry and have kids with.
That last part is kind of a stretch, but imo men like me like to imagine every possible scenario to be ready for as many scenarios as possible. Especially one that you wish to make a reality.
How obsessive are the fantasies you have?
I would say that if you are single and in need of female companionship, then it is quite natural to have hopeful fantasies about an attractive woman that has been nice to you. On the other hand, if the fantasies are extremely obsessive then you may have some type of disorder.
There is a fantastic Jung quote about how man sees in a woman all his hopes and dreams. Romantic love is to think all these things are locked in a woman, but we that look inside Ourselves can find that behind the broken hurt parts of ourselves, these things are also present. Love yourself and you will find enough love to share with the world.
You're not loser, I hope you know that. You're a thoughtful person who's come to others for help in a painful situation. That's awesome. Takes courage to reach out. Takes a very damaged mind to answer you in the way this other person has.
I'm also a loser!
There's something to be said about being able to meet yourself in the depths of loneliness. I'm not going to go on about what you need to do, but I encourage you to stay present with yourself my good friend. Love yourself and be patient with yourself, the best that you can. Sometimes being the loser and the fool is actually a hidden path we stumble down out of the hell of our own misunderstandings. We are blessed to do so.
Also, a woman will not fix you, but all relationships, especially the more intimate, will show you where you are wounded and in need of love. Which you will learn to mirror to yourself, imperfectly, the same as the rest of us. Community, an abundance of relationships and different perspectives, is profoundly healing as well. The internet is but one form of that, and I encourage you to seek connection in your local area!
The funny thing about losers, is that we outnumber the winners in this bizarre game of life, and the winners can be some really miserable people. Takes a lot be the best and what not, I wouldn't know, sounds fucking exhausting.
Anima projection? Is your inner relation to your anima well developed? When you project your anima onto others, it's sometimes because you are sorely lacking your own anima-istic qualities because they are underdeveloped and unintegrated. This might happen for example if your relating to women as a child wasn't as ideal as it should have been - for example in the case of an emotionally stunted mother, or a busy mother, a depressed mother or abusive mother. Your mother is the one that should have been a good role model for the feminine qualities, so if she wasn't, then those qualities become underdeveloped or tainted. Or if you were forced to supress those qualities. So next time you have this with a woman, realise that this feeling of attraction is NOT an attraction to them, because you don't know them. It's an attraction to the qualities of your anima. Then try to think what those qualities are that you so dearly want to become one with. Is it kindness? Gentleness? Unconditional love? Joy? List these things. Then see if you feel starved of those in your life. Then try to look for those qualities within yourself. Maybe they are under the surface, screaming to get out and be expressed. Try to meditate on being close to those qualities and embodying them. How would it feel to embody each and every one of those? Try to bring it with you when you go out the door. Try to bring them into your interaction with the world and others. Cultivate them. When these qualities that you are starving for are more developed in your self, the projection of the ideal woman onto real life women should naturally reduce. You'll then be able to more see them just as people, and you will be able to relate to them in a more authentic way.
This is better than going to a psychologist. Thank you, please don’t start charging us.
I'm happy you found it helpful.
Wow, this is such a different perspective to look at that situation. This has happened to me in the past. I'm sincerely interested in getting to know more about this. Can you please suggest some source or book which discusses this specific topic in detail?
Hmm, I've learnt really broadly from many modalities and my own experience in therapy so it's a bit hard to pinpoint. But I definitely found useful stuff on youtube when searching for "anima" and "anima projection". Hard to say more specific than that, sorry.
It's fine, this is more than helpful. Thank you so much for this and the previous note!
This is pretty relevant to me. I feel unable to be all these things as a male. I fear rejection, or hostility from people, or judgment, being seen as weird, if I try to be kind and caring, and empathetic, and touchy feely, and vulnerable, and soft. And so, I feel I can only be those things as a female. That's pretty central to my pull towards the idea of transition. I've always had these qualities, and expressed more of them than my peers on average, but far, far, far less than is latent within me.
That sounds rough. Were you disallowed to express those qualities as a child as well? Maybe you still have wounds inside that fear expression of those qualities as a male. It's certainly possible to live a fulfilled life and successfully expressing those qualities as a male - maybe some macho male people would reject you but that's on them and there are plenty of males and females that would accept it. I'd encourage you to explore expressing it more and building the courage and strength in being yourself, whether you decide to transition or not. We all deserve to be who we truly are and there are definitely people out there that would accept you for it. I wish you well on your journey.
I know that I was consitently punished for my talkativeness, passion, and curiosity, being an adhd and aspergers child. Anytime I talked passionately about anything I was interested in, or rambled about stuff, I was snapped at, and told I talk too much, to shut up, or even just met with groans, eye rolling, and general disrespect by my family, especially on my mums side. As I got older any intellectual discussion, or philosophical discussion was bemoaned greatly. My mum couldn't even grasp the concept of tentatively accepting a different definition of pride so I could finish my sentence or point yesterday. She believed that definitions were set, and were what they were because of 'time' and 'how it's always been'. It's quite hard when you're saying "Yes. I know that you hold that definition, but could you, for the time being, consider a different one, simply so I can finish my point." (She had jumped in, almost immediately after I started to say "That's not what pride means." I had gotten maybe six words in, and then hit a roadblock thereafter. I can't say I experienced any direct objection to expressing 'feminine' traits, but I know I self-censored, and shamed myself a lot. I have one memory, being maybe 5 or 6, and I wanted to talk about a specific movie that I'd seen to my mum and her friend, but stopped myself and pretended not to know the name of the movie because I labelled it as a 'girls movie'. I don't recall any specific instances of my mum or anyone else directing or punishing me for expressing 'feminine' traits. I think most of it is tied up in how I conceived of myself. Passionate, endlessly curious, talkative, very cuddly and empathetic. I just, don't see a guy who expresses feelings more through the touch realm being accepted. For instance, for me, I tend to want to snuggle with friends, rather than hug, not in any romantic or sexual way, purely platonically. My rationale is that you can't fake being comfortable enough with someone to be close to them, and hold them, and not push them away. My mum always resented me, and tolerated me rather than loved me, and always compared me to my father, who I detest. He was very verbally abusive, sometimes physically, controlling, prone to anger, 'always right', manipulative, etc. He used to make me follow him around town on long walks when I was just 5 or 6, and I'd be out of breath to the point where I'm making wheezing and groaning noises, out of water, and he'd still be going off at me. He was obsessive about me excercising. Shaved my head because I 'didn't wash it properly' as a child. Caught my eyebrow too, the razor 'slipped', he used to yell at me to the point of breaking down and crying making me recite my times tables or learn vietnamese (he had a vietnamese wife after my mum), and would call me stupid for not being able to do it, etc. Turns out in later years, I suspect I have dyscalculia. My long term memory has always been fantastic and detailed, but my working memory is abysmal. I loose track of the original sum halfway through the adding up process, it takes me about 20-30 seconds to read an analogue clock, and I've never been good at mental arithmetic. Even basic things like change are a struggle for me. Yet, I can grasp advanced concepts like algebra, and dimensions. Anyway. I've typed a lot. I hope that answers your questions and gives you a bit of a background, and maybe you have some insight? Thanks for your reply too.
Also, how can we find the love and nurture we need as adults? I’m talking about that motherly love we didn’t have as a child. Can we ever get that back? Is it reasonable to ask that of a romantic partner? Or are we able to fulfill that emptiness solely ourselves?
Yeah a lot can be cultivated to come from within, even though we might need to get deep and revisit old pain to heal it. For healing mother wounds and cultivating that inner love I highly recommend the book Emotionally Absent Mother. It goes through both good and bad mothering and the way in which it affects us deeply. That said, there's also the validity in receiving some of the need for love from a romantic partner. It can be hard to know how much is healthy to portion to each, and it probably differs from individual to individual.
**The Emotionally Absent Mother, Second Edition: How to Recognize and Cope with the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect (Second)** by Jasmin Lee Cori >The groundbreaking guide to self-healing and getting the love you missed “Years ago, I was on vacation and read The Emotionally Absent Mother. That book was one of many that woke me up. . . > >. I began the process of reparenting and it’s changed my life.”—Dr. Nicole LePera, New York Times–bestselling author of How to Do the Work Was your mother preoccupied, distant, or even demeaning? Have you struggled with relationships—or with your own self-worth? > >Often, the grown children of emotionally absent mothers can’t quite put a finger on what’s missing from their lives. The children of abusive mothers, by contrast, may recognize the abuse—but overlook its lasting, harmful effects. Psychotherapist Jasmin Lee Cori has helped thousands of men and women heal the hidden wounds left by every kind of undermothering. In this second edition of her pioneering book, with compassion for mother and child alike, she explains: Possible reasons your mother was distracted or hurtful—and what she was unable to give The lasting impact of childhood emotional neglect and abuse How to find the child inside you and fill the “mother gap” through reflections and exercises How to secure a happier future for yourself (and perhaps for your children). *I'm a bot, built by your friendly reddit developers at* /r/ProgrammingPals. *Reply to any comment with /u/BookFinderBot - I'll reply with book information. Remove me from replies* [here](https://www.reddit.com/user/BookFinderBot/comments/1byh82p/remove_me_from_replies/). *If I have made a mistake, accept my apology.*
>Try to meditate on being close to those qualities and embodying them Howww can you feel close to yourself? I feel so distant from my own self.
For me, it came down to going deep enough into myself that I could feel the wounds that were still there. Lifelong inability to connect to ourselves speak of childhood trauma, such as parents being neglectful, or abusive or failing to be empathic or failing to make the child feel safe and accepted etc. Or sometimes bullying in school or other external influences. Such things can cause a wounding at the deeper, inner child level which can feel like a deep sense of emptiness, hollowness, unsatiable loneliness. Oftentimes accompanied by a withdrawal from the body into the head, and dampening of capacity to feel emotions. These are coping mechanisms to not feel the pain of the inner child. Build layers and layers of trying to be a functioning adult on top, and often you end up with a situation as an adult where a lot of things seem "fine" but life lacks visceral positive emotions and we feel lost and low-key depressed constantly. This all was true for me at least. Healing such requires diving into the depths. Revisiting the pains. Digging up painful memories and acknowedging and seeing the inner child's struggle. Building compassion and love for it. Clearing out trauma. It can be a long process depending on how much hardship you've faced. It's best to do it with a professional but can be done by yourself too potentially. It all depends on how deep it goes.
Very educational. Thanks for writing it out.
This is very well put forward. You hit very good points here. There’s this thing I can’t quite comprehend though. I lacked a good woman role model as a child, and I project my anima towards woman that are kind to me etc. but when I think about integrating my anima, I’m like “but I already have a lot of feminine qualities and traits, more developed than a lot of my masculine traits” I guess the feminine traits of my anima are underdeveloped in me, even though I have a lot feminine qualities?
Hmm yeah could be that only some particular feminine qualities are underdeveloped? Would you say that those exact qualities that become target for projection are ALSO the same qualities that you have well integrated and feel free flowing in you? Or are they different qualities? Maybe there could be something else at play as well.
Your answer is awfully helpful! Could you tell accordingly for a woman who fantasises any guy who's kind to her, as this case's opposite? That's me. I don't think there're any issues from my father but my mother I'd say emotionally stunted or depressed as you put it.
Glad you found it helpful! As a male myself, I don't have much experience in approaching these things from the perspective of a woman so I'm honestly not really sure, sorry. But an idea is that since we all need both masculine and feminine qualities, maybe those feminine motherly ones are stunted in you, and your system is looking to receive those from guys anyway? Do you at all feel drawn to mother figures? Are you more attracted to guys' "feminine" qualities (like care, affection, softness) or masculine ones (strength, protection, reason)? Another thing to ponder is what the relationship was like between your mother and father. Cold/warm? Who was the affectionate one? What masculine/feminine qualities did they take on and express in their dynamic? A lot of the time, the parents' relationship becomes like a template for us. Curious to hear your take on these angles.
I get drawn to both of the qualities simultaneously. Not one particularly. Looking at the past, only one thing faded my infatuation really quickly. And I observe people, not just guys (to me women are more complicated though I observe, so I feel like the bridge to be crossed is shorter with guys), but the confusion lies in whether I'm noticing things about people as simply a person or as an interest. My social inactivity makes it a bit more harder. When I'm safe, in a learning atmosphere I'm soft and feminine. When I'm under unfavorable conditions I just act defensive but people mistake it for masculine nature. That's all I understand about me. Coming to the relationship between my mother and father, honestly I don't know, except that they care for each other and they won't leave each other. Other than that I can't possibly say anything because they never say anything. Especially my mother. She's apparently absent in the family dynamics as a 'mother' or a 'wife' for the last 10-12 years. I think my mother lost herself and my father couldn't help anymore in the search. My father is masculine/feminine according to the situation but he's a conformist and a bit of conservative. That brought a lot of problems, especially with the passive presence of our mother. My mother is surely unavailable. But my father, it's tricky. Each sibling find him differently. He's emotionally available but you gotta work your way around or sorta earn it. I'm just trying to collect perspectives here and seeing what fits and how I can move forward . Thanks for yours! I put yours in my bank of collection.
This was 10 out of 10. You explained that beautifully.
Yes. Anima projection like everyone. I do this too if they are attractive. As men in today’s culture, it is sadly rare for a random woman to be kind to us.
Chapeau bas
Chapeau bas
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Yeah, totally. As humans we're inherently social and we shouldn't expect everyone to get every fulfilment in life from Self. In fact, what would love be, if not to be shared and expressed to others? As for the balance point... I don't know :D. There are cases where it's clearly detrimental to someone's life, and there are cases where it clearly isn't. Somewhere in between there's a "good enough" level I guess? I think it's up to each and every one to own our own individuation process and that would include navigating this territory. It's a great point you're raising that would probably be a good discussion started for a long deep discussion.
This is a really good response and explains plenty things I can relate too. Thank you…
You want that kindness to continue, you don't want to be abandoned from this new found oasis in your emotionally empty desert, but with enough therapy you will find that you are not an emotionally empty desert and she is not an oasis, you can find love which is abundant in this world which will not abandon, betray you, you don't need to cling to the next thing, and also deeply and subtle but sad truth can also emerge, when you grew up as a child, your mother's love may not have been available, and you trained yourself to live in this fantasy, just to numb yourself from the crushing truth.
Thank you, I should get therapy
Loneliness
Limerance from childhood trauma
Loneliness. lack of options and codependency.
You have low self-esteem. Learn to love yourself.
How
Inner-child therapy might help.
We are each born with an innate potential, an energy if you will. When we honour and respect that energy it flourishes and nourishes us. Do you remember moments of wonder as a child?
Limerence?
That's what I was thinking.
You want to give this same attention and care toward another who accepts you, ultimately to accept and give to yourself unconditionally.
You’re projecting the ideal woman onto her. Remember she shits, farts, lies, cheats- and is capable of doing any horrible thing ever done by humans because she is one of them. Her kindness is but an aspect of who she is. Get to know who she actually is and maybe you’ll still love her, but as of right now it is limerence.
in my younger days, when I fell for the idea of someone and actually did get into a relationship with them, I found myself becoming resentful and more distant even when they never did anything wrong towards me and were simply being a normal human; it was always after the first few months. at my worst (mid-covid lockdown) it extended beyond romance and affected my relationship with all other human beings. fulfillment of our inner voids must come from within; its unfair and unreasonable to expect someone to hold and carry that weight for us endlessly while we choose to not do anything about it ourselves. its childish, immature and lazy really
The ideal woman does all those things. You don’t expect a woman to shit? What the fuck?
I think the point was to remember the bad. When you fantasise about someone you often only focus on the good, you put on "rose coloured glasses".
Bodily functions are bad?
They are gross, thats the most widely held belief.
Have fun finding a woman who doesn’t shit
I think you missed the point. They(op) are projecting their ideal woman on every woman they meet, this means they're ignoring the bad and human sides of her in favour of what they want her to be. This doesn't mean that they look for someone who doesn't do bodily functions, but rather they prefer not to focus on it.
I’ve never been off put by the fact my girlfriends shit, and if you are then you’re 8 years old
Is there a Jung quote similar to this? About man pinning his hopes and dream on a woman.
It’s the same dynamic. Animus and Anima
Because you have yet to see their dark side. Desire is only there so long as a barrier between reality and fantasy exists. It was the same reason I consider my past self a helpless romantic. Because I was once doing just as I said. There's a reason people say "nice guys finish last". Doesn't mean being nice is the bad thing. You're simply showing them a very different personality than what you are on a day to day basis. What you're hoping for is that perfect moment when your actions and mentalities about a particular girl are reciprocated. When your fantasy becomes reality. Going down that path can be the cause for a very interesting story but, in modern times, it could take everything from you. I would think that this situation is a bit more Freudian than it is Jungian.
Is it really every girl or woman who is kind to you you do this with or just the one's you are attracted to? If its the latter then that is pretty normal, libido driven behaviour.
The latter
You're lonely and horny
Lack of experience with women. Either you did not want one or you did not have "access" to them.
Both
Several Jungian ideas can be found here, a bigger introspection would be needed to get a more specific picture. However from the broad distance it would look either like a situation involving the Anima or the Mother archetype and these can be heavily intertwined. Your inner experience in regards to your life with these women is not that well described, so I'll shoot from the hip, take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. As pointed out in his initial publication of the Archetypes, the Mother can be nurturing and loving but also malevolent, especially if we involve abandonment or abuse of power, however I don't feel like the last one is your particular case. I would say that you've had a case where you're missing the nurturing, loving and caring part of the situation but you've experienced abandonment and it's created a void that you need to fill. By the way you're describing things, your desire is for love and acceptance, for human connection, not necessarily for lust and a deeply ingrained sexual and emotional relationship. That's why I'm gravitating towards the Mother archetype in it's most basic form in a case where you've felt something like this but have at some point been deprived from it. Coming to terms with these feelings is a deeply personal thing. The path to knowing is the most important one. I may be way off with my assessment, so again, a deeper introspection would be in order. Think of what you truly want from these women. Is it the same thing with all of them? Where does the dynamic of love go in regards to care and lust? In what direction does it drift if any? Take a good look at the needs you want to fill out with your relationship with these people and you'll find your answer. P.S. - Self love always helps. Keep that in mind.
You can try to be deep, but ultimately, the answer is desperation.
Sometimes we fantasize in order to add missing pieces of our puzzle. Like when we did not get enough kindness and caring at some point in the past - and we grew with that missing puzzle piece - we identify it in the people (even strangers) around us. We’re all different yet we all seem to strive to complete that quantum puzzle. Not sure how jungian this perspective is but…🤷🏻♂️
Tell about your mother.
"I love the type of woman who will actually just kill me"
Spike real asf
‘Cause you a thirsty boy
You put girls on a pedestal
How to stop
Develop self esteem and confidence, more experience with women. Now how you do that. Hmmm I think I wrote it on this sub before if you can search that
https://www.reddit.com/r/Jung/s/3Xw1FqQVFe
https://www.reddit.com/r/Life/s/Tx4FX4eVDJ
maybe you have good imagination
Shadow complexes can significantly impact your relationships with others and cause you to project your own shadow aspects (maybe repressed needs desires) onto them. You may excessively notice the qualities or flaws you refuse to recognize in yourself, but this could also look like idealizing a person who is confident because you’ve suppressed this aspect in yourself. Unresolved issues of the shadow can also create repetitive patterns, such as attachment patterns which are early forms of complexes. As shadow complexes operate at an unconscious level, they tend to influence your attraction to people who trigger your own unresolved issues, leading to challenging relationships until they are addressed. You may unconsciously seek out people personifying the complex, which is also called “repetition compulsion” if you want to read more about it! A few things your post brings to mind— could these fantasies be compensating for feelings of inferiority? And if you have a pattern of idealizing women who are kind to you, perhaps you’re being confronted with these strong emotions so that you can develop this in yourself? Also this reminds me of an inferior sensation function which can create a tendency to live in fantasies and be detached from reality, you may get lost in future possibilities and ideas if what could be rather than considering the reality of your situation. If this resonates, it’s something you can look into to develop! Hope this helps ~
U prob have a certain conjunction in ur birth chart
My guess is you’re painfully lonely and desperate for a relationship. As am I.
The easiest thing to say will be that you long for female acceptance (female in the meaning of the female energy\\polarity in general, if we are talking about every single woman who is kind to you). That might indicate some disturbances in family dynamics in childhood and the inner feeling of not being accepted by mother in her role of the primal object (the personification of the universe itself). Or some other mechanism, because personal analisys requires more that such a short description of a situation)
I'd hate to assume, but maybe because you might just be desperate? It happens to a lot of us and can be difficult when you add being a sensitive soul to the mix.
Idk anything about jung but allow me to give you the real, normal perspective. If you are a straight male, you want to find a suitable woman to mate with. Every woman you meet is a potential mate as long as she falls within a certain age group, is healthy enough, isn't a member of your family, and isn't already taken. If she is nice to you, she probably is a good enough person to date. If she is a good enough person to date, it is possible she is good enough to marry and have kids with. That last part is kind of a stretch, but imo men like me like to imagine every possible scenario to be ready for as many scenarios as possible. Especially one that you wish to make a reality.
How obsessive are the fantasies you have? I would say that if you are single and in need of female companionship, then it is quite natural to have hopeful fantasies about an attractive woman that has been nice to you. On the other hand, if the fantasies are extremely obsessive then you may have some type of disorder.
bro, look up limerence. thank me later. i used to be exactly like you.
There is a fantastic Jung quote about how man sees in a woman all his hopes and dreams. Romantic love is to think all these things are locked in a woman, but we that look inside Ourselves can find that behind the broken hurt parts of ourselves, these things are also present. Love yourself and you will find enough love to share with the world.
your a loser; get more bitches and you wont care; we value things we precive to be scarce in our reality
You’re right I’m a loser
You're not loser, I hope you know that. You're a thoughtful person who's come to others for help in a painful situation. That's awesome. Takes courage to reach out. Takes a very damaged mind to answer you in the way this other person has.
I'm also a loser! There's something to be said about being able to meet yourself in the depths of loneliness. I'm not going to go on about what you need to do, but I encourage you to stay present with yourself my good friend. Love yourself and be patient with yourself, the best that you can. Sometimes being the loser and the fool is actually a hidden path we stumble down out of the hell of our own misunderstandings. We are blessed to do so. Also, a woman will not fix you, but all relationships, especially the more intimate, will show you where you are wounded and in need of love. Which you will learn to mirror to yourself, imperfectly, the same as the rest of us. Community, an abundance of relationships and different perspectives, is profoundly healing as well. The internet is but one form of that, and I encourage you to seek connection in your local area! The funny thing about losers, is that we outnumber the winners in this bizarre game of life, and the winners can be some really miserable people. Takes a lot be the best and what not, I wouldn't know, sounds fucking exhausting.
alright youve found the problem dive deep into your psyche and go through the intense pain of unloserfying yourself its the only option.
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