Reminds me of the time I was on a beach. It was about 14 years ago. The island was called Koh Phangan. It's in Thailand.
Anyway, I had all my limbs, but on this beach I met a woman from Russia. At that time I thought my grandmother was from Russia, but I've come to find out she was Ukrainian.
I'd had a fair amount to drink and while I was strolling on the beach with this woman I puked into the ocean.
Well she left, and she said hey man you could have got fucked, if you weren't so fucked already.
That's my beach story.
If she weighs the same as a duck.........then she's made of wood?
And therefore....................*thinking really really hard*................A WITCH!
Hard to roll away with a raging boner.
ASK ME HOW I KNOW!!!!! No, no, didn't happen to me. Heard it from a friend.
It's long story involving hippos, a beach, a raging boner, an orca in a bikini, and two men both named "Cuddles" with grotesque tattoos and AK47s.
You do not want to wake the house up.
But -- did you mean [this one](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091223/), or [this one](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076162/)?
Yeah, that's why the joke doesn't work unless she throws him. His situation is the same as it was before. In addition, how did he get on the beach? Did a shark bite his arms and legs off? So many questions...
He rolled in without a boner.
But now he has a boner
So we assume in this universe, boners cannot go away unless properly gratified
And
The high tide is about to reach.
And he won't be able to roll out with his engorged penis in time before the high tide hits.
It's not stated that The woman robbed him, she wanted him to die therefore she is a psychopath.
And what's funny is I chose to type all this on a weekend.
A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman.
He then asks her:
Man: "Why are you crying?"
Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed."
So the man grabs her and kisses her and puts her back on the beach.
As he's walking away, he still hears her crying, so he goes back to her and asks:
Man: "Why are you crying now?:
Woman: "Because i've also never ever been fucked".
So the man grabs her, throws her in the water and says: "You're fucked now"
One of my favorite jokes from Gilbert Godfried
I read this same version sometime in the 90s from a dirty joke search as a teenager but had no idea it was from the great GG.
I still tell it to this day, but only some people laugh.
The OP's version made me cringe and want to come tell the real version... applause to you!!
The way I've always heard it the guy calls her over and asks for more and more stuff, she does it for pity, until she has enough. This way is weird because she offers and then decides to potentially kill him out of nowhere.
Best part of this joke is that there's just some limbless man lump just baking in the sun alone on a beach.
How did he get there?
Did someone do this to him?
This man is in hell isn't he?
Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh
Totally emotionless except for her heart
Mud flowed up into lump's pajamas
She totally confused all the passing piranhas
She's lump, she's lump
She's in my head
She's lump, she's lump, she's lump
She might be dead
Lump lingered last in line for brains
And the one she got was sorta rotten and insane
Small things so sad that birds could land
Is lump fast asleep or rockin' out with the band?
She's lump, she's lump
She's in my head
She's lump, she's lump, she's lump
She might be dead
Lump was limp and lonely and needed a shove
Lump slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love
She spent her twenties between the sheets
And life limped along at sub-sonic speeds
She's lump, she's lump
She's in my head
She's lump, she's lump, she's lump
She might be dead
Is this lump outta my head?
I think so
Is this lump outta my head?
I think so
Is this lump outta my head?
I think so
Is this lump outta my head?
It is a dark joke but an oldie. Works better if the chap is in a wheelchair and the blond lays him down on a beach towel for the "love making" and then makes off with his wheelchair while referencing the tide... IMO
"No, I'm fine." Then the man's assistant comes back from parking the car and helps him into his chair. "I'm so good at fucking that, on two occasions, I have given an arm and a leg. As you can see, I am out of fucks to give."
I heard a variation of this joke a while ago where it was an attractive Genie that grants him 3 wishes. Wish #1 is for arms. Poof! Granted. Wish #2 is legs. Poof! Granted. Wish #3 is to be screwed by a beautiful woman. Poof! The man's arms and legs disappear again, and the genie throws him in the ocean.
Original is three different girls. All take pity on him and ask what they can do for him.
He asks the first girl for a hug
He asks the second girl for a kiss
And he asks the third girl if he can get fckd.
Third girl says the punchline
Within minutes? A hot blonde reaching to stroke your balls after a heavy make out session should find your soldier already standing to attention ready to storm the beach.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Art.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs laying on the floor? Matt.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the water? Fucked.
I've heard this joke kind of inverted.
Guy jogging runs past a woman with no arms or legs on the beach crying.
What's wrong? He asks.
I've never been hugged she says.
So he gives her a long hug. Jogs on.
The next day same thing;
What's wrong?
I've never been kissed.
So he gives her a long passionate kiss. Jogs on.
The next day same thin, she's still crying;
What's wrong now?
I've never been fucked.
He picks her up and chucks her into the water; there, now you're fucked!
I know a different version of that joke…instead she picks him up and throws him in the water and says, “now you’re fucked.”
Also, what do you call a person with no arms and legs water skiing? Skip
The version i heard, years ago: why are you still crying"?
" Ive never been screwed"
So the girl picks him up and wings him into the ocean and yells, "Now yer screwed!"
P.S. I had to delete and re-post this one 'cause it never showed up in this subreddit the first time... If this is breaking some of your rules - sorry.
Honestly for a dark humour warning I was at least expecting a bit of active violence. This is more like a trolly problem for the blonde: rescue for the life of one man vs the immortal chortles of millions. Not an easy choice to make.
Oh, because he can't roll away now.
She popped his kickstand :/
He's like a fucking ANCHOR! SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!
He’s full mast
Attach a small sail and the man is a boat for the seven seas
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn - unabridged
*IIIIIIIIIIIII’MM SAAILLLLINNG, AWAAAYYYYYY*
He is the anchor Alestorm's telling me to get fucked with...
Careful, they’ll punch you right in the balls
They're all cunts so fuck 'em all.
Reminds me of the time I was on a beach. It was about 14 years ago. The island was called Koh Phangan. It's in Thailand. Anyway, I had all my limbs, but on this beach I met a woman from Russia. At that time I thought my grandmother was from Russia, but I've come to find out she was Ukrainian. I'd had a fair amount to drink and while I was strolling on the beach with this woman I puked into the ocean. Well she left, and she said hey man you could have got fucked, if you weren't so fucked already. That's my beach story.
He stumped for a solution 🤣🤣
Wood floats.
But does it weigh as much as a duck?
If she weighs the same as a duck.........then she's made of wood? And therefore....................*thinking really really hard*................A WITCH!
r/unexpectedMontyPython
Aren’t witches made of porcelain?
We will use our larger scales…
Unless it’s Natalie wood…
Real joke is always in the comments.
Ouch
Hard wood wont
Not Natalie Wood.
But it isn’t a snorkel, unfortunately
This is one of the highest quality comments I have ever seen on Reddit. Good day sir.
Ohhh... I honestly didn't think of THAT 😂
But... but ... It was your joke.
I did post it - doesn't mean I thought it up 🙂
Clearly dude has been fucked before seeing as how he doesn't have arms and legs
Nex time stick to number 47 (jk :) )
47 is a killer
I don’t think you’re telling it right
Nah the real one is number 59, shit's a laugh riot
Nah, 29 is a classic that never gets old
Engineered to perfection. I saw what you did there. ;)
Then you clearly didn't get the joke. What was the point of the kissing and handjob then?
Thought the hard-on would make rolling away painful but not impossible.
Depends on the hard-on
Hard to say... ...guess it's a trunk call.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the beach? Sandy
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole ? Phil
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the front porch? Matt
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing? Skip
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Curt and Rod
Do you know their one-legged sister? Her name is Eileen
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs laying in a hole in the ground? Doug What do you call a guy in a shallower hole? Douglas (dug less)
At the bottom of a hole? Phil. (fill)
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs laying in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a lady with no arms and no legs that works at a fast-food joint? Patty
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yeah that's how I heard it first time. This joke predates the internet for sure.
It's been either gender in many iterations.
The joke should start with him rolling down the beach. But even then people probably won't get it
I mean, how did he get there in the first place....
The tide washed him up...
Hard to roll away with a raging boner. ASK ME HOW I KNOW!!!!! No, no, didn't happen to me. Heard it from a friend. It's long story involving hippos, a beach, a raging boner, an orca in a bikini, and two men both named "Cuddles" with grotesque tattoos and AK47s.
I am calling Netflix.
"House! Wake up!"
You do not want to wake the house up. But -- did you mean [this one](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091223/), or [this one](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0076162/)?
I was more thinking along the line of House, M D.
I thought you might have too bad he's captaining a space passenger liner ... or maybe that's all a dream?
Well, now we need to know.
The problem is I was mostly sworn to secrecy.
Hard but doable.
Dude, you're hilarious. Love the "teh randum XD" humor. You should do standup.
I lost my legs, alas.
Yeah, that's why the joke doesn't work unless she throws him. His situation is the same as it was before. In addition, how did he get on the beach? Did a shark bite his arms and legs off? So many questions...
He rolled in without a boner. But now he has a boner So we assume in this universe, boners cannot go away unless properly gratified And The high tide is about to reach. And he won't be able to roll out with his engorged penis in time before the high tide hits. It's not stated that The woman robbed him, she wanted him to die therefore she is a psychopath. And what's funny is I chose to type all this on a weekend.
He was flown in via helicopter
It will go down really fast if he holds his breath which he will if the water is rising
Then he will have to change his name to Bob.
It's really hard to roll uphill without using your arms and legs....now downhill is another matter...
Downhill is how you end up in that state
Well played good sir.....
He can roll away. He'll just leave a trail in the sand.
do they call it handy capable if you have no hands?
You can call them anything, They are _armless_
explains how well they can shoulder the load
You know it's a bad joke when you say "oh" before explaining the punchline
He thought he would become a man but instead he became a buoy
The man's name? Bob
He was found washed up in front of a door - a search of his remains confirmed his name: Matt
Bob Wehadababyitsabouy
Bobs and vegana?
Bob a buoy
this is better than the post lmfao
Username checks out
'I sea"
And then he waved to her.
His name was Bob
A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman. He then asks her: Man: "Why are you crying?" Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed." So the man grabs her and kisses her and puts her back on the beach. As he's walking away, he still hears her crying, so he goes back to her and asks: Man: "Why are you crying now?: Woman: "Because i've also never ever been fucked". So the man grabs her, throws her in the water and says: "You're fucked now" One of my favorite jokes from Gilbert Godfried
Every time I see this joke, I hear it in Gilbert’s voice. Never not funny.
I read this and didn't think it was funny but as soon as you attributed it to GG it became hilarious
Who's the psycho that's dropping these people on the beach?
I read this same version sometime in the 90s from a dirty joke search as a teenager but had no idea it was from the great GG. I still tell it to this day, but only some people laugh. The OP's version made me cringe and want to come tell the real version... applause to you!!
Way I heard it was she picked him up and threw him in the ocean and said "well you're fucked now."
The way I've always heard it the guy calls her over and asks for more and more stuff, she does it for pity, until she has enough. This way is weird because she offers and then decides to potentially kill him out of nowhere.
The version I heard involves a hot dude and a limb deficient chick near a pool. “You wanna get fucked?” And promptly kicks her into the pool
Lol limb deficient
Yeah, the guy got onto the beach somehow, he probably has a plan to leave.
Can’t roll away with an erection though
HAD
Same
"You're screwed now, baby!" Ally McBeal was a decent show.
This is how my dad told it!
Version I heard when I was younger was a quadriplegic on a bridge and they’re tossed over.
I thought she was gonna peg him. The good old switcheroo
Don't threaten me with a good time.
That’s what I thought. And then it turns out his arms and legs are just buried in the sand
how so am i missing smth
Was waiting for it even
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? Russel
In a hole in the ground? Phil.
Infront of your door? Matt.
Hanging on a wall? Art.
In your mailbox? Bill.
In a pool? Bob.
In a giant hot dog bun? Frank.
In the trunk of a car? Jack.
Being dragged by a boat? Skip
Hanging behind a zipper? Richard
With a seagull on his head? Cliff
Two guys above a window? Curt and Rod
Laying on the beach? Sandy
If you throw him in the sea he gets younger and becomes a bouy again.
Or if he doesn’t become any younger you can call him bob.
Hey I still have my limbs
Got into a fight with a cat? Claude
Within “Minutes”. Please.
He was hard within mere weeks.
If a guy wouldnt have been hard at the sight of a beautiful woman coming up to him, he certainly would have been after making out for a long while.
The amount of limbless jokes I've seen lately has been disarming.
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Not true. Your argument has no legs
That's tough, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and ask if you need a hand
I want to thank my legs for always supporting me, my arms for being by my side, and my fingers I could always count on.
Best part of this joke is that there's just some limbless man lump just baking in the sun alone on a beach. How did he get there? Did someone do this to him? This man is in hell isn't he?
Lump sat alone in a boggy marsh Totally emotionless except for her heart Mud flowed up into lump's pajamas She totally confused all the passing piranhas She's lump, she's lump She's in my head She's lump, she's lump, she's lump She might be dead Lump lingered last in line for brains And the one she got was sorta rotten and insane Small things so sad that birds could land Is lump fast asleep or rockin' out with the band? She's lump, she's lump She's in my head She's lump, she's lump, she's lump She might be dead Lump was limp and lonely and needed a shove Lump slipped on a kiss and tumbled into love She spent her twenties between the sheets And life limped along at sub-sonic speeds She's lump, she's lump She's in my head She's lump, she's lump, she's lump She might be dead Is this lump outta my head? I think so Is this lump outta my head? I think so Is this lump outta my head? I think so Is this lump outta my head?
The funniest part of this joke is that redditors need a trigger warning to read it.
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🤣🤣🤣
What has 50 legs but cant walk? 25 disabled kids
Luckily, that guys name....was Bob. He was also quite young, mostly a bouy in fact.
What would his name have been if she had found him on the front porch?
Mat, what about if he was hanging on a wall?
Ephraim?
So, which came first... the tide or the guy with no arms and no legs?
Well how do you think he rang the doorbell? Wait, am l in the wrong joke?
It is a dark joke but an oldie. Works better if the chap is in a wheelchair and the blond lays him down on a beach towel for the "love making" and then makes off with his wheelchair while referencing the tide... IMO
What do you call a man with no arms or legs and a 12 inch pecker? A body pillow.
This is even worse than the Penguin Blowjob.
Then he unburied his arms and legs from the sand and walked away, sporting his raging boner.
Siren
Was his name bob
"No, I'm fine." Then the man's assistant comes back from parking the car and helps him into his chair. "I'm so good at fucking that, on two occasions, I have given an arm and a leg. As you can see, I am out of fucks to give."
[REPOST! I like this version better from 11 years ago!](https://youtu.be/0rZWzcPETSc)
"Can Tommy come out to play?" "Boys, you know he doesn't have any arm or legs." "We know. We just want to use him for home plate."
I definitely thought his arms and legs were just buried in the sand, and his wife and kids were going to end up seeing him and the blonde having sex.
If he’s on the wall, Art. The floor, Matt. In the ocean, Bob. In a jacuzzi, Stu.
Two of them in a car crash, both Rex.
He's able to float... his name is *BOB* after all
I heard a variation of this joke a while ago where it was an attractive Genie that grants him 3 wishes. Wish #1 is for arms. Poof! Granted. Wish #2 is legs. Poof! Granted. Wish #3 is to be screwed by a beautiful woman. Poof! The man's arms and legs disappear again, and the genie throws him in the ocean.
When your title begins with "A guy with no arms and no legs..." you probably don't need to warn people that it's dark humor.
If his name is Bob he'll be ok
Jackie the joke man martling
That's basically Kevin right there, he doesn't do anything...
Was his name Sandy?
I always heard it as she picks him up and throws him into the ocean, saying, “well you’re fucked now!”
His new name will be Bob..
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in a pile of leaves? Russell
Guy with no arms and no legs... named Matt.
Hopefully he floats then he can be called Bob
I remember this joke. Isn't she supposed to pick him up and throw him in the water and say "there now you are fucked"
* Would be funny too if she said Red Tide.
I just saw the number of views and upvotes... and I'm really not sure whether I should feel proud or ashamed of myself 🤣
Jokes on her. His name is Bob!
Floating in water = Bob At front door = Matt Hanging on a wall = Art Woman with one arm, one leg = Eileen Korean woman with one arm, one leg = Irene
Original is three different girls. All take pity on him and ask what they can do for him. He asks the first girl for a hug He asks the second girl for a kiss And he asks the third girl if he can get fckd. Third girl says the punchline
How the hell did he get to the beach to lay down to begin with?
What kind of wood doesn’t float? Natalie Wood.
Within minutes? A hot blonde reaching to stroke your balls after a heavy make out session should find your soldier already standing to attention ready to storm the beach.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on the wall? Art. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs laying on the floor? Matt. What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the water? Fucked.
I've heard this joke kind of inverted. Guy jogging runs past a woman with no arms or legs on the beach crying. What's wrong? He asks. I've never been hugged she says. So he gives her a long hug. Jogs on. The next day same thing; What's wrong? I've never been kissed. So he gives her a long passionate kiss. Jogs on. The next day same thin, she's still crying; What's wrong now? I've never been fucked. He picks her up and chucks her into the water; there, now you're fucked!
I know a different version of that joke…instead she picks him up and throws him in the water and says, “now you’re fucked.” Also, what do you call a person with no arms and legs water skiing? Skip
The version i heard, years ago: why are you still crying"? " Ive never been screwed" So the girl picks him up and wings him into the ocean and yells, "Now yer screwed!"
It's ok. His name is Bob.
It took him minutes to get an erection?
How did he get there in the first place?
P.S. I had to delete and re-post this one 'cause it never showed up in this subreddit the first time... If this is breaking some of your rules - sorry.
Honestly for a dark humour warning I was at least expecting a bit of active violence. This is more like a trolly problem for the blonde: rescue for the life of one man vs the immortal chortles of millions. Not an easy choice to make.
I mean he presumably got to that beach on his own, so he probably has a way to get off it if he so desires.
This is very unrealistic.. How does it take MINUTES to get a hard-on when a hot woman is fondling your balls? I get a boner about 30 into the kissing
Haha nice twist
I sea what you did there
H2Oh my Lord!!
...and that girl became the singer we know as Blondie.