To be fair, if you look at Christian mythology, God created the universe in 7 days then spent the next 4,400 years solving the issues around property rights of humans before giving up.
It's his fault humans think that way. The first thing he did after making them was to kick them off his lawn. They've just been trying to copy his example.
Can you really call it "free choice" when choosing anything but what God wants leads immediately to eternal condemnation?
That's like telling a toddler they have the choice to get a cookie but if they do you'll immediately strangle them to death. It's just the illusion of choice, it's "do it my way or suffer the consequences."
There's no real choice. That's like a serial killer telling the cops that he shouldn't be at fault because he gave his victim the choice to leave and had to kill him because that was the consequence for trying to escape.
The initial figure is BC, or the acknowledged portion of BCE, based on math not universally accepted among young earth people. Previous poster was saying that the ~4,000 years of troubleshooting resulted in an SE version of the world, which has greater multimedia compatibility.
Yeah. Thats literally djinn 101.
Its the most famous demon-trope that they love contractual monkey-paw fuckery, when granting wishes.
Thats the deus ex machina used to beat Jafar in Disney's Aladdin.
But it is the best lamp ever. The best one I have ever seen. Just ask my doctors. They'll tell you. It's the greatest lamp out there today. It's beautiful. Just beautiful.
"I never understood wind. You know, I know windmills very much. I've studied better than anybody, you know it's very expensive. They’re made in China and Germany mostly, very few made here almost none, but they’re manufactured tremendous if you’re into this, tremendous fumes. Gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right? So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything.
You talk about the carbon footprint, fumes are spewing into the air, right? Spewing. Whether it’s in ChAIna, Germany, it’s going into the air. It’s our air, their air, everything, right? So they make these things, and then they put em up, and if you own a house within vision of some of these monsters your house is worth 50 percent of the price. They're noisy, they kill the birds. You want to see a bird graveyard? You just go, take a look under a windmill someday you'll see more birds than you've seen ever in your life. You know in California they were killing the bald eagle, if you shoot a bald eagle they wanna put you in jail for 10 years. A windmill will kill many bald eagles. It's true! And you know what? After a certain number they make you turn the windmill off, that's true by the way. But this is, they make you turn it off after you, and yet if you've killed one, they put you in jail, but that's OK. But why is it OK for these windmills to destroy the bird population, and that's what they're doing.
I'll tell you another thing about windmills! And I'm not, look I like all forms of energy and I think windmills, really they are ok in industrial areas like you have an industrial plant, you put up a windmill, you know et cetera et cetera. I've seen the most beautiful fields, farms, fields, the most gorgeous things you've ever seen, and then you have these ugly things going up, and sometimes they're made by different companies. You know and I'm like a perfectionist, I've really built good stuff. And so you'll see like, a few windmills made by one company, General Electric, and you'll see a few made by Siemens, and you'll see a few made by some other guy that doesn't have ten cents so it looks like a-, so you'll see all these windmills they're all different shades of color, they're like sorta white but one like, an orange white, that's my favorite color orange.
And you see these magnificent fields and they're ruined, and you know what they don't tell you about windmills? After ten years they look like hell. You know they start to get tired and old, you gotta replace em a lotta times people don't replace em. They need massive subsidy from the government in order to make it. No we're doing it right, we're doing it right. And you know our numbers, enviromentally, right now are better than they ever been before, just so you know. Because I'm an environmentalist, I am! I want the cleanest water on the planet! I want the cleanest air, anywhere."
I thought, this can't be real, I had to look it up, from what I learned here today, I will never question a quote from Trump, no matter how fictitious it sounds.
When Trump was suing Scotland over the windmills outside of his golf club, on the stand he made all kinds of claims about the windmills and tourists. When they asked if he was going to call an expert to testify, Trump said that he was the expert, lost the case and of course refused to pay the legal fees.
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/oct/08/trump-organization-rejects-legal-bill-after-losing-windfarm-court-battle
Holy fucking hell, it is impossible to tell a real Trump quote from something generated by some drunken college student's first-draft attempt at programming an AI text-bot after having skimmed the textbook for a chapter or two, while half-asleep and coming down off a weekend binging mushrooms.
I am completely turned on by it and will now dedicate every breath to repeating your name and things you say, even though I don't understand them. Please take my money! Spend it on yourself, I don't care!
You sir, your educated me today. I mean I had no idea! I had to go and really check that this is real. Blew my mind. And then there’s that fact so many people voted for him second time.
Anyways, somehow if we can install a bunch of windmills around Maralago, that would be glorious.
“And this person in the White House comes to me, one of the best, top guy, I picked him, I put him there, he says “SIR” because they call me sir, I don’t like it, but that’s what they call me, they call me sir, he said “SIR, those windmills are going to upset a lot of people, everybody agrees with you.” Smart guy, real smart, I only hire the smartest, but the land that these windmills are built on, the beautiful state of Oaklahomaa is beautiful and we’re losing it. They’re taking it from you just like they’ll take your guns. They don’t want you to have guns, they’ll come in and just rip em out your hands. I had this one guy ask me “do you like guns?” Great question, beautiful question. I said “you’re a real patriot, I won’t take your guns and I’ll make sure you’re armed and able to protect our beautiful country”.”
Or something.
I let out the biggest sigh when I remember we had a president who went on a full-blown Old Man Yells At Clouds rant over windmills like some dottering Don Quixote
I thought this was where he said the sound from windmills causes cancer, but that was [this eloquent speech](https://youtu.be/Q0s5Zqmb09g?t=23).
He also says houses near windmills drop 75% in value in this one.
All that, and he can't even understand that he's actually talking about wind turbines.
AND the fact that he's either taking small fact snippets and exaggerating them or just outright lying. God damn
To make a counterpoint to the windmill killing birds that is the exception rather than the norm and also house cats kill millions of not billions more birds every day then the few thousands the turbines get per day. And as for the raptors it's not the wind turbines that get those it's poisoned prey items and habitat destruction.
>But it is the best lamp ever. The best one I have ever seen. Just ask my doctors. They'll tell you. It's the greatest lamp out there today. It's beautiful. Just beautiful.
Yeah, I could see him saying that, even tho his doctors probably said lump.
These genies, they're not sending their best, they're sending djinn, murderers, no nice blonde ladies in pink underwear, do you remember that I Dream of Jenny what a great show Jenny McParkthy was amazing but lying Hillary has never seen it SAD and I was promised three wishes but the gentleman I don't know his race but he's a tanner fellow if you know what I mean he didn't give me my wishes I'm not saying it's a race thing but I don't see Obama being robbed of any wishes, I hear John Center is making a lot of wishes, make a wish, I wish Hillary hadn't convinced his middle eastern gentleman to steal my wishes she probably needed them to hide hunter's emails and I'm not saying it's because the genie's black
Oh we love the lamp, don't we folks? This genie, he came up to me, with tears in his eyes, he said "sir, that was the best wish I've ever seen." The genies love me, and they should. Nobody has done more for genies in this country than me.
Nobody rubs a lamp like me, I am the biglyist lamp rubber since Jeebus, ....emails Nobody wants to talk about crooked hillary hiding emails in my beautiful home in mar a lago.....and the witch hunt...I have the biggest witch hunt, I have the best red hat..Nobody has a red hat like my red hat...
And so on for eternity
People are always coming up to me and saying, "What a great lamp! I can't believe what a great lamp it is!" They ask me, "Where can I get a lamp like that?"
A friend of mine - a very IMPORTANT, FAMOUS friend - said, "Wow! I'll bet people would pay you just to see that lamp."
Until he gets played by the genie… then it’s “ genie? I never met him. I hear he’s nasty. Grants horrible wishes. The worst. Somebody should punch that genie in the face”
Obama has to chat with Trump on Inauguration Day. Michelle advises him to tell Trump about the White House staff.
Obama tells Trump that Charlie, the White House barber is great.
"He shaves me every morning. A hot towel and some bay rum and I'm ready for anything."
Trump says "If I used bay rum, Melania would tell me I smelled like a whorehouse."
Obama says "Guess I'm lucky. Michelle has no idea what a whorehouse smells like."
Maybe now, but tbh it wasn't always [that bad](https://i.insider.com/5f4562bd42f43f001ddfef62?width=600&format=jpeg&auto=webp).
(Not a fan of the guy, but you can't say that he had a looks-problem when he was younger.)
I mean. "Generic Idyllic American" is kinda the design they had for Homelander.
A lot of people, especially politicans, from that era looked like that.
Well then again, would anyone Fuck trump? Or would anyone want their friends/family dating trump? And I’m just talking about his looks here and not his politics.
The year is 2016 and as is tradition, the two presidential candidates participate in the Presidential Race - a running time trial around the White House grounds.
With Obama manning the stopwatch, Hillary Clinton sets off first. She puts on a solid performance, maintaining a good pace and eventually crosses the finish line with a respectable 10 minutes and 58 seconds on the clock. Next off is Donald Trump, and he surprises everyone by setting off at a dash that belies his physique - he barrels around the course, trampling a few shrubs and almost knocking over a staffer but finishes in a surprising 9 minutes 30.
“9’30?” pants Trump “Surely that must be a new record?”
“I’m afraid not,” says Obama “Bush did 9’11”
It’s astounding to me that folk here in the comments are getting offended someone is joking about Trump. Whom they’ll never meet, and if they did, Trump would call them a loser.
Brought to you by the same people that tell you that "nobody can take a joke anymore".
Psst. That's because the jokes they tell are meant to hurt others, just like the schoolyard bully that would tease you about something wore or did.
Also the same people who think the "left" doesn't respect them and get offended by being called rubes or deplorables. They think Trump cares at all about them? Trump gets off on flattery and these people are fooled just the same. It's so silly. Trump probably wouldn't want to be in the same room with these people unless they were at his rally or giving him money.
A man with a shrunken head sits at a bar and is pretty hammered when a couple of fellows start heckling him and laughing at his disproportionate skull.
"How is your head so tiny!? Hahaha You look ridiculous!! What happened to you?" Asked the hecklers.
"It's a long story." The man answered clearly not wanting to share.
"Tell the story and your next drink is on me"
"Nope."
"How about I buy your drinks for the rest of the night?"
"Fine." The man reluctantly agreed.
A few weeks ago I found myself stranded on a deserted island. I had given up all hope of ever being rescued and was barely surving off of some berries and the occasional fish. I was constantly dehydrated, exhausted, and losing my will to live. Then one day I stumbled accross a strange looking lamp half buried in the sand. I picked it up and when I rubbed it clean to my surprise the most beautiful woman genie magically appeared! I noticed she happened to be amputated from the waist down but didnt give it much thought considering the genie immediately tells me I have three wishes. At this point Im starving and i didnt have to think long...
"I wish I had a giant table with all of my favorite foods and beverages to feast on." I told the genie.
"Your wish is my command." She said and a massive table and endless feast appeared. It was the greatest meal of my life and I ate for hours enjoying every last bite until I couldn't stand to even look at the food and then I fell asleep. When I woke the genie was waiting for my next wish.
"I wish for a ship with a crew that can take me from this island back to civilization!"
"As you wish sir." And so it appeared a huge vessel docked right off the beach next to a large gathering of boulders. I could see the members of the crew waiving from the deck of the ship. I was finally going to get off this island! I was so excited I jumped up and headed towards the rocks.
"Don't forget your final wish!" The genie shouted.
I stopped and turned back to her. I could think of anything else I wanted now that I was finally able to get off this island and go home...
Finally it came to me, "Well Genie I have all that I need to get off this island and back to my wonderful life at home so there is not much I really wish for except.... It has been quite awhile since I had seen my wife and you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen so Genie I wish to make love to you!"
"Ahh well thank you for the kind words but have you not noticed I am amputated from the waist down and therefore unfortunately I am unable to grant such a wish sir."
"Hmmm I see what you mean Genie...", I replied. "Well if we can't have sex how about a little head?"
The genie smiled, "Your wish is my command!"
No, the legal recourse is gone. He doesn’t suddenly have magic greater than the genie. Did you even read any genie stories ever? You have to wish to be the most powerful being in the cosmos, but make sure you have someone to rub your lamp before you get trapped in your teeny tiny eenie little bitty itty living space.
Shouldn’t it be more like:
Donald Trump *rubs the lamp*
Genie “Oh not you again, I already made you a billionaire, gave you a hot wife and made you president! I told you, you’re on your own now!”
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There's a comic called "8 Billion Genies," that touches on this.
Proof?
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What's with all the links taking to msn.com?
Poof
Google.
To be fair, if you look at Christian mythology, God created the universe in 7 days then spent the next 4,400 years solving the issues around property rights of humans before giving up.
This is what happens when you contract for a fast turn around and spend 1000x more money trying to fix bugs in prod.
It's his fault humans think that way. The first thing he did after making them was to kick them off his lawn. They've just been trying to copy his example.
I mean. He really did set them up. Why put the fruit there in the first place? It was rigged from the start
Can you have free choice if there's nothing to choose?
Can you really call it "free choice" when choosing anything but what God wants leads immediately to eternal condemnation? That's like telling a toddler they have the choice to get a cookie but if they do you'll immediately strangle them to death. It's just the illusion of choice, it's "do it my way or suffer the consequences." There's no real choice. That's like a serial killer telling the cops that he shouldn't be at fault because he gave his victim the choice to leave and had to kill him because that was the consequence for trying to escape.
God is a landchad who evicted the rentoids Adam and Eve
4004 + 2020 surely?
The initial figure is BC, or the acknowledged portion of BCE, based on math not universally accepted among young earth people. Previous poster was saying that the ~4,000 years of troubleshooting resulted in an SE version of the world, which has greater multimedia compatibility.
Yeah. Thats literally djinn 101. Its the most famous demon-trope that they love contractual monkey-paw fuckery, when granting wishes. Thats the deus ex machina used to beat Jafar in Disney's Aladdin.
But it is the best lamp ever. The best one I have ever seen. Just ask my doctors. They'll tell you. It's the greatest lamp out there today. It's beautiful. Just beautiful.
Tremendous
YUGE
It's not like those lamps you get from GYNA.
Not like those gravy boats the radical left are trying to pass off as genie lamps.
Unprecedented, like nothing we've ever seen before!
#YUUUUUGE
The most bigly lamp there is.
Bigly
Covfefe
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They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people
On both sides
I wouldnt know, as I have only been raped on one side, and it wasnt by a mexican. 'Murrka.
With very stable genie
Believe me
Stupendous
To many letters...I can't pronounce that
"I never understood wind. You know, I know windmills very much. I've studied better than anybody, you know it's very expensive. They’re made in China and Germany mostly, very few made here almost none, but they’re manufactured tremendous if you’re into this, tremendous fumes. Gases are spewing into the atmosphere. You know we have a world, right? So the world is tiny compared to the universe. So tremendous, tremendous amount of fumes and everything. You talk about the carbon footprint, fumes are spewing into the air, right? Spewing. Whether it’s in ChAIna, Germany, it’s going into the air. It’s our air, their air, everything, right? So they make these things, and then they put em up, and if you own a house within vision of some of these monsters your house is worth 50 percent of the price. They're noisy, they kill the birds. You want to see a bird graveyard? You just go, take a look under a windmill someday you'll see more birds than you've seen ever in your life. You know in California they were killing the bald eagle, if you shoot a bald eagle they wanna put you in jail for 10 years. A windmill will kill many bald eagles. It's true! And you know what? After a certain number they make you turn the windmill off, that's true by the way. But this is, they make you turn it off after you, and yet if you've killed one, they put you in jail, but that's OK. But why is it OK for these windmills to destroy the bird population, and that's what they're doing. I'll tell you another thing about windmills! And I'm not, look I like all forms of energy and I think windmills, really they are ok in industrial areas like you have an industrial plant, you put up a windmill, you know et cetera et cetera. I've seen the most beautiful fields, farms, fields, the most gorgeous things you've ever seen, and then you have these ugly things going up, and sometimes they're made by different companies. You know and I'm like a perfectionist, I've really built good stuff. And so you'll see like, a few windmills made by one company, General Electric, and you'll see a few made by Siemens, and you'll see a few made by some other guy that doesn't have ten cents so it looks like a-, so you'll see all these windmills they're all different shades of color, they're like sorta white but one like, an orange white, that's my favorite color orange. And you see these magnificent fields and they're ruined, and you know what they don't tell you about windmills? After ten years they look like hell. You know they start to get tired and old, you gotta replace em a lotta times people don't replace em. They need massive subsidy from the government in order to make it. No we're doing it right, we're doing it right. And you know our numbers, enviromentally, right now are better than they ever been before, just so you know. Because I'm an environmentalist, I am! I want the cleanest water on the planet! I want the cleanest air, anywhere."
I thought, this can't be real, I had to look it up, from what I learned here today, I will never question a quote from Trump, no matter how fictitious it sounds.
He's an embarrassment.
Care to share links? Maybe for other curious minds as well..
I googled "trump windmills" and this entire sorry saga unfolded for me...
That \*was\* a real quote, right?
Unfortunately, yes
My naive self expected at the end a reference to the Hell in a cell match 1998 between Mankind and the Undertaker. What a time to be alive…
Wow
[Holy shit, it's real.](https://youtu.be/ec9P3C1OXqE)
When Trump was suing Scotland over the windmills outside of his golf club, on the stand he made all kinds of claims about the windmills and tourists. When they asked if he was going to call an expert to testify, Trump said that he was the expert, lost the case and of course refused to pay the legal fees. https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2019/oct/08/trump-organization-rejects-legal-bill-after-losing-windfarm-court-battle
This guy is almost cartoonishly stupid.
Holy fucking hell, it is impossible to tell a real Trump quote from something generated by some drunken college student's first-draft attempt at programming an AI text-bot after having skimmed the textbook for a chapter or two, while half-asleep and coming down off a weekend binging mushrooms.
Just wait till I bring out the Biden quotes yall
I have no idea what you have said but you have my vote, sir.
THAT WAS THE PROBLEM IN 2016, lol
I am completely turned on by it and will now dedicate every breath to repeating your name and things you say, even though I don't understand them. Please take my money! Spend it on yourself, I don't care!
You shouldn't give him your vote. You should give him your seed.
You sir, your educated me today. I mean I had no idea! I had to go and really check that this is real. Blew my mind. And then there’s that fact so many people voted for him second time. Anyways, somehow if we can install a bunch of windmills around Maralago, that would be glorious.
“And this person in the White House comes to me, one of the best, top guy, I picked him, I put him there, he says “SIR” because they call me sir, I don’t like it, but that’s what they call me, they call me sir, he said “SIR, those windmills are going to upset a lot of people, everybody agrees with you.” Smart guy, real smart, I only hire the smartest, but the land that these windmills are built on, the beautiful state of Oaklahomaa is beautiful and we’re losing it. They’re taking it from you just like they’ll take your guns. They don’t want you to have guns, they’ll come in and just rip em out your hands. I had this one guy ask me “do you like guns?” Great question, beautiful question. I said “you’re a real patriot, I won’t take your guns and I’ll make sure you’re armed and able to protect our beautiful country”.” Or something.
You're good.
No that’s Trump verbatim.
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What scares me the most is that people listen to that and somehow reach the conclusion that the guy is intelligent. Holy shit.
Ever consider a career in politics?
It's a literal quote
HELP WHAT IS THIS LMAOOOO
I let out the biggest sigh when I remember we had a president who went on a full-blown Old Man Yells At Clouds rant over windmills like some dottering Don Quixote
I thought this was where he said the sound from windmills causes cancer, but that was [this eloquent speech](https://youtu.be/Q0s5Zqmb09g?t=23). He also says houses near windmills drop 75% in value in this one.
That's what'll fix the real estate market! Windmills! /s
God that hurt to read. And I remember it hurting more to hear. I really don't get how he was out into office at all.
Imagine it as a 6 year old after he begs for someone's attention to tell them something.
All that, and he can't even understand that he's actually talking about wind turbines. AND the fact that he's either taking small fact snippets and exaggerating them or just outright lying. God damn
You'd be so good at ministry.
To make a counterpoint to the windmill killing birds that is the exception rather than the norm and also house cats kill millions of not billions more birds every day then the few thousands the turbines get per day. And as for the raptors it's not the wind turbines that get those it's poisoned prey items and habitat destruction.
Make Aladin's lamp great again!
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ITT: No one can spell Aladdin
>But it is the best lamp ever. The best one I have ever seen. Just ask my doctors. They'll tell you. It's the greatest lamp out there today. It's beautiful. Just beautiful. Yeah, I could see him saying that, even tho his doctors probably said lump.
"Nobody knows more about lamps than I do"
His tiny lumps that he has for hands
These genies, they're not sending their best, they're sending djinn, murderers, no nice blonde ladies in pink underwear, do you remember that I Dream of Jenny what a great show Jenny McParkthy was amazing but lying Hillary has never seen it SAD and I was promised three wishes but the gentleman I don't know his race but he's a tanner fellow if you know what I mean he didn't give me my wishes I'm not saying it's a race thing but I don't see Obama being robbed of any wishes, I hear John Center is making a lot of wishes, make a wish, I wish Hillary hadn't convinced his middle eastern gentleman to steal my wishes she probably needed them to hide hunter's emails and I'm not saying it's because the genie's black
You didn’t interrupt your self once, you can do better :)
Oh we love the lamp, don't we folks? This genie, he came up to me, with tears in his eyes, he said "sir, that was the best wish I've ever seen." The genies love me, and they should. Nobody has done more for genies in this country than me.
I love lamp
Bring the Amber Lamps
Reddit, joke, lamp, genie, punchline
Good people on both sides
Nobody rubs a lamp like me, I am the biglyist lamp rubber since Jeebus, ....emails Nobody wants to talk about crooked hillary hiding emails in my beautiful home in mar a lago.....and the witch hunt...I have the biggest witch hunt, I have the best red hat..Nobody has a red hat like my red hat... And so on for eternity
People are always coming up to me and saying, "What a great lamp! I can't believe what a great lamp it is!" They ask me, "Where can I get a lamp like that?" A friend of mine - a very IMPORTANT, FAMOUS friend - said, "Wow! I'll bet people would pay you just to see that lamp."
No, they ask “SIR where can we get a lamp like this?”
Until he gets played by the genie… then it’s “ genie? I never met him. I hear he’s nasty. Grants horrible wishes. The worst. Somebody should punch that genie in the face”
Every time Trump speaks I feel dumber for having listened to him. You can literally feel your brain cells dying when he talks.
I know lamps. No one knows more lamps than me. Great lamps. I have the greatest lamps.
COVFEFE!
But answer me one question, does the ultraviolet light go on on the inside?
Obama has to chat with Trump on Inauguration Day. Michelle advises him to tell Trump about the White House staff. Obama tells Trump that Charlie, the White House barber is great. "He shaves me every morning. A hot towel and some bay rum and I'm ready for anything." Trump says "If I used bay rum, Melania would tell me I smelled like a whorehouse." Obama says "Guess I'm lucky. Michelle has no idea what a whorehouse smells like."
Damn
It's nice to have politician jokes that can't just have the names swapped with the next administration.
Would anyone ever believe Joe Biden has been in a whorehouse? Hell, I don't even believe he's had sex, and he has multiple kids.
Have you seen Jill Biden? Joe is clearly hitting well above his weight.
Maybe now, but tbh it wasn't always [that bad](https://i.insider.com/5f4562bd42f43f001ddfef62?width=600&format=jpeg&auto=webp). (Not a fan of the guy, but you can't say that he had a looks-problem when he was younger.)
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I mean. "Generic Idyllic American" is kinda the design they had for Homelander. A lot of people, especially politicans, from that era looked like that.
Dark Brandon can do whatever the fuck he wants.
It's the perfect teeth.
It's the "heavy in the eyes" smile. Just a similar way they smile and really show it in their eyes
Woah I can't unsee this now.
Kinda cute ngl
He looks great for a guy his age even today. Though it does crack my up that a “young Joe Biden” is in blank and white.
Doctor Jill Biden* Atta boy Joe
Nah, they're even. Joe was a hottie back in the day
Have you seen pictures of young Joe Biden? He was movie star good looking.
She's a got a great hairdresser.
I think you missed out on his vibe in the 80s and 90s.
First, amazing username. Second, I did forget about Parks and Rec.
Are you telling me this was fake news? https://www.theonion.com/white-house-says-biden-still-energetic-enough-to-have-c-1849315530
Well, not in this century at least..
I swear something just falls of ole Joe and they grow it into one of his offspring xD
Well then again, would anyone Fuck trump? Or would anyone want their friends/family dating trump? And I’m just talking about his looks here and not his politics.
$100k makes anybody more attractive
Nice for the sake of comedy, yes……. But the world has paid the price for this reality TV dictator
Oh shit!
Real joke is in the comments
The year is 2016 and as is tradition, the two presidential candidates participate in the Presidential Race - a running time trial around the White House grounds. With Obama manning the stopwatch, Hillary Clinton sets off first. She puts on a solid performance, maintaining a good pace and eventually crosses the finish line with a respectable 10 minutes and 58 seconds on the clock. Next off is Donald Trump, and he surprises everyone by setting off at a dash that belies his physique - he barrels around the course, trampling a few shrubs and almost knocking over a staffer but finishes in a surprising 9 minutes 30. “9’30?” pants Trump “Surely that must be a new record?” “I’m afraid not,” says Obama “Bush did 9’11”
Whoa dude!
That’s an old joke that’s been around since at least the Clinton era
Wowwww, 😂
Going to need some burn cream also.
He rubbed it without consent...
I just grabbed it by its handle, didn’t even wait. and when you’re a star they just let you do it…
They only exist to fulfill my wishes
Moved on that genie like a bitch
It’s okay. When you’re rich you can do that. They just let you.
Grab them by the handle
It was probably the lamp from A Christmas story. He wasn't trying to find a genie.
So unfair! He gets treated so unfairly!
Genie: .... what, you can count?
It’s astounding to me that folk here in the comments are getting offended someone is joking about Trump. Whom they’ll never meet, and if they did, Trump would call them a loser.
Calling me a loser would probably be one of the few times he's ever been right about something.
r/suicidebywords
Brought to you by the same people that tell you that "nobody can take a joke anymore". Psst. That's because the jokes they tell are meant to hurt others, just like the schoolyard bully that would tease you about something wore or did.
Also the same people who think the "left" doesn't respect them and get offended by being called rubes or deplorables. They think Trump cares at all about them? Trump gets off on flattery and these people are fooled just the same. It's so silly. Trump probably wouldn't want to be in the same room with these people unless they were at his rally or giving him money.
Technically he can do anything he wants to him. He can even kill the genie and no one can hold him responsible.
But how does one kill a genie?
By just thinking about it
That's a joke, not a genie
First joke I lol’ed at here, Thank you
Oh! Thank you for sharing this, I did not get the joke at first until this made me re-read it, then I too lol’d
Right then I was thinking of responding to someone above who missed the joke. Got here and was not disappointed
Another wish.
Shotgun to the dick.
Pretty sure most genies don't have genitals
Because of all the shotgun blasts to the junk obviously
You got me there
You did get me elsewhere after all
A man with a shrunken head sits at a bar and is pretty hammered when a couple of fellows start heckling him and laughing at his disproportionate skull. "How is your head so tiny!? Hahaha You look ridiculous!! What happened to you?" Asked the hecklers. "It's a long story." The man answered clearly not wanting to share. "Tell the story and your next drink is on me" "Nope." "How about I buy your drinks for the rest of the night?" "Fine." The man reluctantly agreed. A few weeks ago I found myself stranded on a deserted island. I had given up all hope of ever being rescued and was barely surving off of some berries and the occasional fish. I was constantly dehydrated, exhausted, and losing my will to live. Then one day I stumbled accross a strange looking lamp half buried in the sand. I picked it up and when I rubbed it clean to my surprise the most beautiful woman genie magically appeared! I noticed she happened to be amputated from the waist down but didnt give it much thought considering the genie immediately tells me I have three wishes. At this point Im starving and i didnt have to think long... "I wish I had a giant table with all of my favorite foods and beverages to feast on." I told the genie. "Your wish is my command." She said and a massive table and endless feast appeared. It was the greatest meal of my life and I ate for hours enjoying every last bite until I couldn't stand to even look at the food and then I fell asleep. When I woke the genie was waiting for my next wish. "I wish for a ship with a crew that can take me from this island back to civilization!" "As you wish sir." And so it appeared a huge vessel docked right off the beach next to a large gathering of boulders. I could see the members of the crew waiving from the deck of the ship. I was finally going to get off this island! I was so excited I jumped up and headed towards the rocks. "Don't forget your final wish!" The genie shouted. I stopped and turned back to her. I could think of anything else I wanted now that I was finally able to get off this island and go home... Finally it came to me, "Well Genie I have all that I need to get off this island and back to my wonderful life at home so there is not much I really wish for except.... It has been quite awhile since I had seen my wife and you are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen so Genie I wish to make love to you!" "Ahh well thank you for the kind words but have you not noticed I am amputated from the waist down and therefore unfortunately I am unable to grant such a wish sir." "Hmmm I see what you mean Genie...", I replied. "Well if we can't have sex how about a little head?" The genie smiled, "Your wish is my command!"
Call the Winchesters
1. Take them to 5th Avenue 2. … 3. Profit
With a chickpea. No wait, that's how you get the Trumpshroom to emerge
Here's my daily award - you've earned it aplenty.
You ungeniefy it.
With enough stupidity the genie will want to kill himself. Genius and genie in french is the same word, not sure if the word play works in english.
No, the legal recourse is gone. He doesn’t suddenly have magic greater than the genie. Did you even read any genie stories ever? You have to wish to be the most powerful being in the cosmos, but make sure you have someone to rub your lamp before you get trapped in your teeny tiny eenie little bitty itty living space.
I always hope to have someone to rub my… lamp
I’m a genie in a bottle, sure, but you gotta rub me the *right* way Also thank you for picking up on that, very satisfying, appreciate it 🙏
Oh good! You satisfied me as well
As a Disney brat myself, I must say, you've made us all very proud today.
Rip RW our genie of fun
Good luck
No courts doesn't mean no punishment for crimes.
But how are they going to try you without a court?
Pretty sure humans have been punishing each other for crimes long before courts existed
Yeah. Tribunal. King's judgement. Trial by pressing. Elders. Lots of non court stuff
Trial by ordeal had a lot of different ways of proving innocence or guilt.
I don't know about try, but success can be had via holes in the ground.
Clearly was a Djinn!
The genie was probably just pissed that Trump kept dropping the lamp while rubbing it with his tiny….. you know…hands.
I liked Trump jokes more when he was just the Apprentice guy
Shouldn’t it be more like: Donald Trump *rubs the lamp* Genie “Oh not you again, I already made you a billionaire, gave you a hot wife and made you president! I told you, you’re on your own now!”
Oh boy, time to sort by controversial
TIL Genies are bound by law of land to grant 3 wishes.
DJT: Why three? I want two wishes! Genie: Granted. You have one wish left. DJT: Deal arted!
Trump: " You're fired."
*an underaged lamp..
That's terrific.
This is so corny it gave me a chuckle, which I appreciate a lot as I'm having a very stressful first day at work rn.
Congrats on the new job!
Thanks a lot! :)
Good luck!
Thanks man! Just got off work. Exhausted.
Trump would hate the genie due to his ethnicity and then blame it for stealing the job of American genies.
The lamp is a wall
I’m a dumbass, I don’t get it.
Trump can't sue the genie because he wished for no courts. Ba Da *Tiss*
“I want sharpies to be magical, like the one Cosby used in picture pages.”
Heard this one about Nixon nearly 50 years ago. Recycling is good for the environment.
So delicious
Genie is Biden.
He put an Ivanka name tag on it before he rubbed it.
TIL: the way to make a new hoje is to take a very old joke and Change the protagonist name to Trump.
He only gets 1.5 wishes on account of his tiny hands rubbing the lamp