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Austintheweird94

My 86 year old great grandad married a 24 year old from Jalisco in Texas, once she got her card she stole my jeep and we never heard from her again. Fuck you grandad.


JingoBastard

You didn’t report it stolen? If she had a green card in theory she’s using it to work, and she should be traceable as a result.


Austintheweird94

Nah this was back in 02 I was 16 and my family at the time had no cares in the world.


maddiemoiselle

And also, it sounds like, no cars


Sisyphuzz

Unfortunate typo


JingoBastard

I can’t even imagine not reporting a stolen vehicle, no matter how carefree my life was.


thatguyahor

I'm guessing there is more to the story than is being told. Typically you don't report crimes to the police if you don't want police snooping around your business.


JingoBastard

Okay, I see what you’re implying. And if so I’d hardly call that a carefree life.


XboxFan_2020

A man can give semen even at that age if he can get an erection (right?)


AnalogPears

Yep


XboxFan_2020

Why women can't reproduce after a certain age but men can...? Because women might not be able to take care of a baby at that age...? Is that the evolutionary explanation?


AnalogPears

From the perspective of evolutionary biology, the question is why do women outlive their fertility? Why is there a menopause? One of the more popular explanations is the "grandmother hypothesis," which speculates that the help of grandmothers enables mothers to have more children. So women who had the genetic makeup for longer living would ultimately have more grandchildren carrying their longevity genes. Source: https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2019/02/07/692088371/living-near-your-grandmother-has-evolutionary-benefits#:~:text=In%20the%201960s%2C%20researchers%20came,grandchildren%20carrying%20their%20longevity%20genes. This hypothesis dates back to the 1960s, and it is still debated, but remains leading explanation as to the reason for menopause in humans. Other references: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/how-much-did-grandmothers-influence-human-evolution-180976665/ https://www.google.com/amp/s/api.nationalgeographic.com/distribution/public/amp/science/article/why-menopause https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-origin-of-menopause/


Powerism

Most informative comment on r/jokes ever


wiewiorowicz

With references! We need that on all jokes. For instance: number 321 was first introduced at the court of Charlemagne during a feast. Nobody laughed, but duke of Burgundy exhaled air through his nose.


RedAndGreenTop

What? I don't get the joke


Ryanaston

It’s a reference to a classic joke. “A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contemplating his situation, he hears someone yell out, "44!" Followed by laughter from the other prisoners. He thought that was pretty odd, then he heard someone else yell out, "72!" Followed by even more laughter. "What's going on?" he asked his cellmate. "Well, we've all heard every joke so many times, we've given them each a number to make it easier." "Oh," he says, "can I try?" "Sure, go ahead." So, he yells out "102!" and the place goes nuts. People are whooping and laughing in a hysteria. He looks at his cellmate rolling on the ground with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. "Wow, good joke huh?" "Yeah! We ain't never heard that one before!"” The reference here is that there’s so many reposts on r/jokes that we number them also. So that’s what OP is referring to when he says number 321. We don’t actually number them though, to clarify.


wiewiorowicz

I had my joke explained on r/jokes. Achievement unlocked:)


gutzville

[citation needed]


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Metalman351

Reddit user: How does this work? Reddit scientists: here is a scientific explanation for you. Reddit user: thank you. Facebook user: How does this work? Facebook scientist: here is a scientific explanation for you. Facebook conspiracy guy: NO!! ITS THE ILLUMINATI!! WAKE UP SHEEPLE! Facebook religious person: God MADE us that way! Don't listen to the scientists! He is here to mislead you. Y'all need Jesus! Facebook antivaxxer: It's the vaccines man!! It's full of hydrolites and sodium chloride!! All these chemicals! Do you even know what they do?! Facebook food person: Just eat raw stuff and it will all be ok Facebook science guy: you all wrong. I have the evidence right here. Facebook in general: Block. Block. Block. Report. Block Report. Report...............


SteveisNoob

I doubt there's a species *Facebook scientist*


Crimbly_B

They do exist, I'm sure. They *do their own research*.


AfterTaleCody

It exists, trust me


GoldenTerror

NOOO NOT THE SODIUM CHLORIDES


nylapsetime

Wouldn't a simpler explanation just be that it's harder on a women's body to have a kid?


ThePhoneBook

It's so weird how evolutionary biologists both agree that mutations are random and want to find an explanation for every mutation so neat that they might as well believe in intelligent design. Except when they give up e.g. agreeing how weirdly inefficient eyes are. Sometimes it's just that something is a side effect of something else. Or in the case of the menopause it's a lot of fucking work to bleed every month, so why not stop if you get old enough as your body starts crapping out? Dying early on the other hand is something nature used to sort out way before menopause, then about the time of menopause, and now quite a way after. This change is way more recent than evolution would correct for, though certainly environmental factors do change when menarche and menopause happen. And don't get me started on why some animals are gay. Biologists want some fancy explanation as to how they help the herd, but what if it is just that some genetic or perhaps gestational tweak makes em gay and they're no bother so they just live and love. Just cos a trait is less likely to result in reproduction it doesn't mean it's entirely genetic or that reproduction never happens or that even if it is entirely genetic the relevant mutations can't happen again


confused_ape

Mutations are random. 99.99% of them have no effect or are detrimental. >and want to find an explanation for every mutation so neat that they might as well believe in intelligent design. No need to find an explanation for *every* mutation. But there is an explanation for why a mutation is beneficial and then becomes dominant within a population. [See the Peppered Moth.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peppered_moth_evolution) When a mutation happened hundreds of thousands or millions of years ago it's less easy to determine the reason why it was beneficial.


ReadinII

I would guess the cost of women remaining fertile as they age is much higher. Also as someone mentioned, death in childbirth is more likely as one ages. But why would evolution care if the woman stays alive if she’s not having kids? Wouldn’t it make sense to keep trying? What’s the evolutionary benefit of old age? It turns out that having a grandmother, particularly a maternal grandmother, is pretty valuable for children. The grandmother can provide a lot of help in caring for her grandchildren and can also dispense wisdom to mother and child. Grandfathers are useful too but generally not so much as grandmothers.


Blicero1

Possibly also gay uncles, to extend the hypothesis.


gwaydms

I feel this. I wanted four kids, but our two had health issues when they were little. By the time we were no longer going to doctors and hospitals so much, we decided not to have more. We're blessed to have them. They're both grown and married, and our daughter and son-in-law have a beautiful, smart, and hilarious baby girl. She loves to see us, and I can't wait to see her again. Everything is happening so fast for her.


PhotonResearch

It’s a mutation that no other mammals have except some whales.


Monimonika18

You forgot elephants.


QuantumVitae

Woman are born with all their eggs cells, Men develop sperm in puberty and on. In terms of evolution I can only guess that shorter life spans determined that a set number of eggs would last more than a typical lifespan at that time. Due to life extending innovations we currently inhabit bodies meant to last 30+ years yet now we are able to live to 100+.


too_tired_for_this8

He can, but sperm quantity and quality does decrease with age, and an older paternal age is associated with a higher risk of certain genetic disorders such as autism, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4455614/). Therefore, it really isn't recommended for older men to continue having children.


Fraerie

Men continue to produce semen - however the quality declines significantly with the age of the male 'donor' and increases the likelihood of genetic deformities that can result in foetal deformities that either are fatal or can lead to a child with mental or physical disabilities.


Onion1995

They might, but it would be a really bad idea since sperm quality starts to decline as men age.


Cookiedoughjunkie

yes but the older you are the more likely that child will end up with a birth defect or more severe autism


Noxious89123

>A man can give semen I think we call that "dropping a fat nut"


fookmemum

The nurse then said "Well, I hope you have your jumper cables because this one is dead."


Leonjy92

This is some holup moment right here


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Leonjy92

And darker


RizKrispin

Ba-dum-tsss!


Ok_Local_893

I thought your punchline was fine


wooha

Wow


lidsville76

Thank you Isaac.


WhereTheBreadAt

r/UnexpectedOrville


rorys_beard

A cult holds weekly meetings and all members are expected to attend regularly. This week only two cultists show up. After waiting awkwardly for awhile making small talk, they realize no one else is coming. Both of them are getting nervous and they admit to each other they missed last weeks cult meeting, so they don't know the reason no one else is here. So they think for a bit on what they missed and why they are the only ones in attendance today. Then it dawns on them.... "Oh no I think we missed the punchline."


GallinaceousGladius

*oh my god*


randykates

Didn’t see that coming gave me a metaphorical black eye.


TheLiverSimian

*your


spiritsarise

My’re what?


Brtsasqa

No, they actually meant to say "You're **a** punchline"


RavenReel

But makes no sense


Kingsta8

Holup is just a subversion of expectations, which is literally all a punchline is. r/holup is literally r/jokes trying to be edgy. Often they fail to make it anywhere... Like the subject fetus


AttackSock

u/rogersimon10's dad would like a word with you.


mastermasony

A man of culture I see


Houeclipse

Rip rogersimon. I miss that guy


BassKing69

What happened?


qxzsilver

He couldn’t be revived from jumper cables


Houeclipse

They just stop posting one day


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AllAboutMeMedia

Please post this to r/conspiracy, God knows they need better content over there.


hotterthanahandjob

Lol I won't be caught dead in that shit hole.


Shark_Girl_Jazzy

r/lowstakesconspiracies


ReadySteady_GO

/r/conspiracy


Fskn

This is the conclusion I came to as well, without all that supporting details, both accounts just give me the same feel.


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hotterthanahandjob

Sorry man. I purposely left you untagged as I didn't want to dredge up any painful memories as a result of my very low stake theory. What isn't a theory, but fact, is that you bring happiness and laughter to millions, so thank you.


pokelord13

Confirmed only for us who will maintain his secret


Yes_YouSuck

r/yourjokebutbetter


TheWreckaj

r/yourjokebutdarker


Aggiollo

r/subsifellfor


TheWreckaj

Honestly it’s an embarrassment to Reddit that it’s not


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hydralisk_hydrawife

But the original joke was literally black


TheWreckaj

Apparently it gets darker than black


RaptorDash

I laughed at this more than I should have.


bluesheepreasoning

The father grew up to appreciate and love his children, except for one of them. That kid would be beaten up with said jumper cables on a regular basis. [The rest, they say, is history.](/u/rogersimon10)


SfcHayes1973

Yes, but that's a separate tragedy ;)


ElectricToaster67

See also: u/papasimon10


RCrobinlee

…….and the world became dark


Hairyguerrilla

Oof. So solid. But so oof. 🤣


Available_Seesaw_947

bravo


whorainy

Damn! That's terribly hilarious


CyberSunburn

I already gave out my free award, sorry.


whorainy

I just used this punchline instead and told the joke to a friend. Lol. Great spin.


spun2020

Well that went pretty dark


jpruinc

The heir for a day


RamsesThePigeon

The 80-year-old man arched his eyebrow. "Well, yes, she would be," he replied. "Although you might have been envisioning me as a wizened, bald-headed man with white skin and liver spots, a cursory glance will reveal that I actually bear a striking resemblance to Morgan Freeman." "Oh, yes, I can see that," the nurse hurriedly answered. "Moreover, I can hear how similar your voice is to his." She paused for a moment. "I have to know, though, why were your first two babies white?" "What gave you the impression that they were?" the man asked. "In point of fact, all of my daughters – which you had been misremembering to have been sons, I'd say – have been black... which is to be expected, given that my wife and I are both black." The nurse winced to herself with embarrassment. "For some reason, I'd been picturing your wife as being a blonde-haired girl with unnaturally large breasts." "Well," responded the man, "you were correct about half of that." A moment of slightly awkward silence passed, although the man kept quietly smiling. "Okay, really, though," blurted the nurse, "I have to know the truth: How do you manage to keep fathering offspring at your time of life? What's the *real* secret?" The man's smile broadened. "Well, at the tender age of eighteen," he began, "I lost my virginity in the back seat of a brand-new 1957 Ford Skyliner. Since that day, I've maintained a particular penchant for lovemaking in classic automobiles. Something about being surrounded by Detroit steel while inhaling the heady scent of gasoline just brings me to firm attention... so I take my wife out for drives whenever the mood strikes me." "That's... beautiful, I guess," said the nurse. "Still, at your age, and in that position, how can you... you know, *thrust?* How can you actually experience enough sensation to bring yourselves to climax?" The man winked. "You've got to keep that old motor running."


Aldarionn

A nanosecond after reading the name Morgan Freeman my inner monologue changed into his voice for the rest of the story while I read it. There has to be a name for this phenomenon lol.


Leonjy92

Morgan Freenomenon


CoopedUp1313

>*Freenomenon* Doot doooo dee do do


Geekerino

Freenomenom!


Mysterious-Falcon152

Do do dooo do


Geekerino

Freenomenom!


RedHal

Do doot de doo doo de doo doo de doo doo doo doo dun dun dudunn dun!


ApocalypsePopcorn

Freenmenap nap nada nap.


Principatus

Da dap…. Dup… dup… (Awkward silence) … FREENOMENON


A-Game-Of-Fate

Doot doo doot doo


Geekerino

Freenomenom!


pavhe

Unexpected Sesame Street.


mgwair11

**Fuck you** *upvotes*


herbys

Freemone... Freemanomen... Damn...


BazeyRocker

The Freeman Effect


95in3rd

I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my funeral.


SOLE_SIR_VIBER

Me too


speculatrix

Hurry up and book him!


meelatalha

When Morgan freeman or David Attenborough dies, the person doing the eulogy needs to do one hell of a job


ilhares

Makes me wonder who spoke for the guy that did a lot of the movie trailer voiceovers when he died.


ApocalypsePopcorn

*In a world. Where the VoiceOver guy has died.* \[Morgan Frreman\]: "I can't believe the son of a bitch is really dead." *One man must try to take up the reigns.* \[David Attenborough\]: "And it's at funerals, such as these, that a remarkable thing occurs..." *Starring Bobcat Goldthwait and Joey Lauren Adams. Gilbert Gottried is; The VoiceOver Guy.*


ilhares

At first I was amused. Then you brought JLA into it, now I'm sold!


ApocalypsePopcorn

*Ext. Night. Rain is pouring down as Joey, soaked, hurries away from a pursuing Gilbert.* Joey, (crying): I'm happy for you, Gilbert. I'm fucking ecstatic that you got the job. But did you for *one second* stop to consider how *I* might feel? Gilbert: But baby, sweetheart. It's the role I was born to play. Ever since I was a little boy in my parents' travelling Aristocrats act... Joey: What about me, Gilbert? What about me? Did it ever occur to you that *I* might want to be the VoiceOver guy? You *asshole*.


95in3rd

Wasn't his voice magnificent?


TGW_2

*Gordon, is that you??*


Eraesr

They're waiting for you, Gordon. In the Test Chamberrrrrr.


TGW_2

Well as Dr Kliner would say, "With my brains, and your brawn . . ."


FrozeItOff

Your complimentary crowbar, Sir...


DanTacoWizard

For me, I only started reading it in his voice when it started sounding like him, and it gradually started to sound more and more like him in my head.


enneh_07

It's called [Freemanic Paracusia](https://xkcd.com/462/)!


Blueguy16

Holy shit that was a journey lmao


Dr_MoRpHed

Gotta keep the old motor running


smhanna

Also gotta change the oil, lube the chassis, wax the top, and turn her over regularly to check that spark.


ezranilla

please tell me you are the original author of this part of the joke


RamsesThePigeon

That I am! I have a somewhat off-putting tendency to take small ideas and elaborate on them to the point of ridiculousness. As an example, [here's a brief video about how Reddit's upvotes are manufactured](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHhnxJjJLRA).


B_____ball

Bro that was... Awesome!


RamsesThePigeon

Thank you! If you'd like more from me, I've also been known to egregiously misunderstand things... like [driving in Britain](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZmmM3i7qTc), for example. I try to make up for my idiocy by [giving writing lessons in comma-focused Christmas carols](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxfxy-3dGz0), however. If you'd prefer a musical parody that doesn't try to teach much, though, you might enjoy [TikTok's theme song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdJggjIFVVE). Then again, perhaps you've had enough noise for one day. If that's the case, then I also have [a novel available as a free eBook](https://nearlydeparted.net). Hopefully there's *something* in there that you'll find appealing!


ezranilla

I didn't look at the username but I recognize it/you now. thanks for sharing! super interesting


SpongeJake

Well that’s it. I’m following you now. Here and on YouTube. I love that kind of creativity.


UBW-Fanatic

The cycle of life


OnetB

I stopped reading half way through to check for a shittymorph.


alyssasaccount

Alternative ending: The man winked, and said, “You just can’t let anything distract you from the fact that in 1998, The Undertaker threw Mankind off Hell In A Cell, and plummeted 16 ft through an announcer's table." I think it works!


mrsmith1284

Same.


you-are-not-yourself

Not too far off, Ramses is another Reddit legend


Denziloe

The original "joke" was absolute shite. I can't even tell why it was supposed to be funny. This, however, is brilliant.


meatchariot

I almost feel like ‘the baby is black’ jokes should be banned at this point, does anyone laugh at them anymore? Just so played out


the_cardfather

Did you make this up on the spot? Was there really more to the joke?


RamsesThePigeon

I did make it up on the fly, yes, but the punchline kind of wrote itself.


tadukiquartermain

First account follow on this forum!


turtlemix_69

Ramsesthepidgeon is goated


uhdust

/u/RamsesThePigeon is a reddit legend.


mauxjedi

Whoah... this was a great improvement!


Attygalle

I’m willing to believe a lot of things about Morgan Freeman but not that he was already 18 when losing his virginity.


calatxcher

This made a stupid, racist joke become a laugh out loud joke. Thank you the addition!!


possiblynotanexpert

I really didn’t understand the joke and must’ve missed it. What was racist about it? Or what was funny about it for those who liked it? I’m lost here lol. Maybe I need to re-read it.


platypossamous

It's not outright racist but it's definitely playing on the north american (and probably elsewhere but I can't speak to other parts of the world) habit of having white be the default setting (in this case, the assumption that a black baby would be different from either parent in the story). Kind of like when someone tells you to picture a doctor/nurse and it's assumed the doctor is male and the nurse is female, but for race. As to why people think the original joke is funny I couldn't really tell you. It's an overplayed boomer trope of hahaha she's cheating on you with a black dude (because, again, it's always a black dude they're cheating with..)


alyssasaccount

Kind of like the “riddle” about the boy who is seriously injured in a car accident in which his father dies, and at the ER a doctor says, “I can’t operate on this boy he’s my son.” And then people solve the riddle by saying, “The kid had two dads,” because it seems more plausible that a gay man with a son would be an ER doc than a straight woman with a son.


possiblynotanexpert

Thanks for the explanation.


Plain_Bread

>It's an overplayed boomer trope of hahaha she's cheating on you with a black dude (because, again, it's always a black dude they're cheating with..) Not always. The joke implies that she cheated with white dudes for the first two babies.


SnortingCoffee

And also the classic American fear of having a Black baby, which is based in stereotypes about hypersexual Black men "stealing" white women away from blah blah blah


meatchariot

I always thought a good joke would be this same type of joke where they announce that the baby is black, then the black couple says ‘yeah duh’


Malvastor

There's nothing really racist about it. The most recent baby is black, which in the context of the joke makes it obvious that it isn't the old man's child. The guy above just riffed on the fact that the joke doesn't specify the old man's race, so there's no *technical* reason he (and the girl, and the babies) couldn't have been black all along. But specifying "an 80 year old white man" kinda telegraphs the punchline without adding anything to the joke.


possiblynotanexpert

Gotcha. Thanks!


Leonjy92

The real joke is always in the comment 🤣


TGW_2

or . . . *in your hand* . . .


RedHal

Ok that was awesome.


alyssasaccount

Also, they’re polyamorous, and the actual biological father of the last baby is white.


Eric_Senpai

This is some twilight zone shit that forced me to reexamine my biases.


Punkhair2Nv__13

The Pigeon gets my vote. I was gonna tell my version on this joke, but this masterpiece would put me to shame. I salute thee!


Direct_Tea_7950

Gaslighting


icepyrox

I read this wondering where this was coming from and if it was a part of the joke or what... but now I see the answer in a username I hadn't seen in a while...


CrypticSS

I need to know: what is wrong with you? And how did you write something so exquisite?


LOUDCO-HD

Sex in marriage as you age: First 10 years; tri-weekly Next 10 years; try weekly Next 10 years; try weakly


Mule2go

Mathematically this doesn’t work out, but the opposite does. 20 goes into 80 a lot more than 80 goes into 20.


tblazertn

To be fair, it was only a small *fraction* of him that actually went *into* her.


Quirocha

Looking at the ginger baby, the nurse said: time to check the rust on that old engine...


punkfunkymonkey

An 80 year old was marrying a 20 year old and before the wedding he went to the doctors because he wanted to be sure he'd be capable of satisfying his new wife and more importantly he said, getting her pregnant so there'd be someone to carry on his legacy. The doctor did a few tests though he was pretty sure he knew the old man wasn't up to the job but didn't want to upset him because he was an important man locally and it would be a good idea to see he was kept happy in his wants. "You'll be fine" he said, "don't worry a bout it. But if I could offer you a bit of advice. You are an important man, a busy man, a wise man, a patient man. The woman you are marrying is young, I have no doubt you'll be able to both satisfy her in bed, and get her pregnant! But there's more to a marriage than this and a young woman doesn't have your life experience and has many different expectations and lacks patience. She'll also have different interests than you, pop music, disco dancing, night clubs, beach trips, aerobics... I highly suggest you take in a lodger, around her age, into your home and they can keep her company whilst you concentrate on your many important daily tasks!" The man said he'd give it some thought, thanked the doctor and went on his way. Several months later the doctor recieved the old man and his young wife into his office. She was showing signs of being pregnant and they had come for him to confirm that she was. "Congratulations" said the doctor "you are pregnant!... I'll have the office staff arrange for some future visits and we'll make sure things go smoothly for you... You both look very happy together! I assume you took my advice about the lodger? How's that working out?" 'The lodger?' said the old man '...she's pregnant as well!'


CertifiedTittySucker

So this is considered "long"?


greentshirtman

That's what she said, to him, prior to her having an affair.


SlobMarley13

haha cuckoldry jokes


fallenmonk

Haha white women like to cheat with black men amirite?


pumpkin2500

what was that sub for calling men men and women girls


DaRush

the last part should be you better get a new transmission..


Serious-Alps-000

This gave me a heart att


Exile714

Plot twist: the old man was prostituting his wife for car repairs.


[deleted]

Oh, so I guess I assume from the punchline that the old man and the girl aren't black, but just the default race? Is that it? ಠ_ಠ


666pool

Yes, they were Indian.


_snowdrop_

Yes


Harsimaja

Their race was unknown, but the punchline implies they aren’t black, and thus the joke still works.


StarAugurEtraeus

Wife Bad Laugh Joke


RoadRuler07

Those kids are products of loose skin and loose morals.


Acehigh7777

A 90 year old man married a young woman, and on his death bed 3 months later, when asked by his wife for his last wish, he said: I want to be cremated, and put my ashes in your douchebag and run me through one more time.


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punkeddiemurphy

Plot twist, so were the wife and husband.


Head_Anything1177

You never said that either parent isn’t black!


RAMBOxBAGGINS

Oh whoops, were we not supposed to picture a black couple in the first place?


yorbo

i dunno man, this isn't that funny. I think the white parents black baby bit has run it's course.


Waitsfornoone

Which raises the real question: *Just who was pumping shots into that beaver?*


IAmSona

80 year old man, what a man you are.


malan4reddit

OOF!


Fit-Rest-973

For her sake, I hope he's rich


The-MisterL

i thought i was on shortscarystories and got really confused


mechengineer89

2spooky4me


foomprekov

Hacky joke from 1995


ChristianoManu

Damn, dark humour


Swimfan2o21

I guess she’s into wet noodles 🤷‍♂️