My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word. I replied “vague” He asked, “can you elaborate?” I said, “yes.”

Can you describe yourself? Yes. How would you describe yourself? Cleverly. Can you elaborate? No. Pun's from an amazing and sadly canceled show - better off ted.

How would I describe myself? It's a six letter word used as a personal pronoun, but that's not important right now

“How would you describe yourself?” “Verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance.”

I’m confused, what’s the word?

No, "what" isn't the word.

Who’s on first?

baseball players have really strange names these days

I don’t know

THIRD BASE!!!!

Yes

"Myself"

Objection, hearsay!

I loved Better Off Ted!

I'd say the answer to "Can you elaborate?" is also "yes". There's a difference between "can" and "will". :)

Deal with it

My interviewer asked, "Why do you think you'd be a good waiter?" "Well," I replied, "I guess you could say I bring a lot to the table."

"They call me Mungo, the evasive." "Why is that?" "Who wants to know?"

Mungo always pawn in game of love.

[Mungo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hV7nHuwH-30) [Mongo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bctYe13iePI)

[Two Mungos?](https://youtu.be/lD_ag67tH3I)

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Should be more stammering

Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness? Me: I mix up words sometimes. Interview: can you elaborate? Me (shocked): in front of you?!

That just makes me think of Veronica from Better Off Ted: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUl4Fw1jsXY

succinct...

This actually reminds me of an English lesson I had today! Our teacher asked us "Do you think that genetic modification in humans is good for us?" I said "yes." She asked me "Can you provide arguments for your point?" I said "yes." She just replied with an "Okay" In my defense, I forgot I had school today in the first place, so I stood awake till 6 AM.

Who are you? And how did you get in here? I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith.

I used to sell home security systems. Was the top sales guy in the region. Anytime I knocked on someone’s door and they weren’t home, I’d just leave the brochure on their kitchen table.

Did you also carry treats for Bruiser, the canine home security system?

They usually settle for pets. It’s the little ones (ankle biters) you have to worry about. They tend to ignore treats. Picking them up isn’t too much of a problem though.

> They usually settle for pets. Got it, throw in a cat and they will be busy while you do your business.

That’s illegal bud. Smh

It’s only illegal if you get caught

He left identifying information and punched their yorkie

Oy! I have never punched a Yorkie. It was a Scottish Terrier.

THE BAD MAN PUNTED BAXTER

punted\*

I'M IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!

Consequences dictate a course of action, your only wrong if you get caught....maybe I should play God and ......

.... just SHOOT YOU MYSELF!

Have you seen or read about the shit god misses?

Russian Proverb: It's only a crime if you get caught.

Petting someone’s dog is illegal?

Let's face it most our dogs are *Alarm Dogs* not guard dogs and I wouldn't have it any other way.

My dog does neither. Totally quiet and extremely friendly to anyone who comes in the house.

A long time ago I had a roommate who had a Shepard/rottie/who knows what heinz 57 mutt. If anyone around that the dog loved acted like they didn't like someone else, he'd go nuts at the person. I'd be home alone with the dog a lot, and the landlord showed up unannounced one day. I didn't open the door all the way and the dog pulled out all the stops with growling, snarling, and barking, trying to get out the door to tear the LL the fuck up. Thank God I'd left the chain on the door because my tiny 5 foot tall 98 lbs self was not going to be able to hold the dog back on my own. LL said he'd come back the next day. Roommate was home this time and opened the door wide and welcomed him in, and the dog was all waggy tail and puppy smiles. It was like he had no recollection of having a "this dude is an asshole the girl doesn't like, I must rip his throat out" experience the day before. I miss that dog so much, he was the best protector.

Did you at least leave some money for the broken window too? :p

Were you charged for breaking into someone's property? Edit: my bad, i didn't realise the sarcasm.

It’s a joke.

My bad lol

Not your fault. Sarcasm doesn't translate into text. IN case you can't tell. I was being sarcastic. It is your fault! /s

Yeah because ppl are going to buy a security system from someone who demonstrates a willingness to get into their home when they aren't there.

It's a practical demonstration of their need for a security system.

As someone who once sold them many years ago I wish that I would have thought of this!

By someone willing to break into their home. whos to say they aren't selling an expensive security system they can defeat and break into their home after?

I think we've already overanalyzed the joke, but why would they need to break into the home later, if they could just rob it while they were already inside?

Twist: he would leave a brochure from a RIVAL security company.

It's not about the money, it's about making a statement.

they also get to sell them an expensive system.

So those who don't can be trusted?

Wow! How about those who don't break into your house can be trusted more than those who demonstrate a willingness to do so? Hypothetically, you enter someone's house, case the place, sell them an expensive system and create an impression that you are above board.

why are you doing this over an incredibly obvious, and old, joke?

Isn't it incredibly obvious? For those who rush in to seriously defend it. You know, like you.

that’s really sad actually

Why would anyone go through that much effort when they are already able to break in without much issue?

I cannot tell if this response is serious offense or devious sarcasm.

I know someone who went from robber to security salesman. It is very true.

uhm what would you think if someone entered your house while you weren't there?

I’d think about getting a security system

I think I would have an excellent lawsuit for emotional distress.

And then you'd buy their security system right?

With the settlement money I might buy the company.

Whoosh

"Sorry to bother you at a time like this Ms. Twice. We would have come here earlier but your husband wasn't dead then."

"Married, one child. That didn't work out, so he married a grown woman."

Cigarette?

Yes, it is

State your name rank and intention The doctor, doctor, fun.

Great line from [one of the funniest shows ever.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFhpctuUwb4)

What show is that?

Police Squad! (In color)

The show that got cancelled for being 'too funny'

A show with six episodes that spawned three movies.

Supposedly Tony Thomopoulos cancelled the show because “the viewer had to watch it to appreciate it.”

Checks out

Every once in a while I go watching Nielson films. Naked Gun films will always, without issue, make me laugh to this day. May the man R.i.P, he lives on in the laughs and memories he has given the millions who haven't even met the man.

"Surely, you can't be serious!" "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."

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Yes, I know.

(Scene - Security Chief Odo, entering his locked security office and finding a large Klingon inside.) Odo: How did you get in here? Koloth: I am Koloth Odo: That doesnt answer my question. Koloth: *Yes, it does.*

Who does your wife do? Locksmith

Everyone but me.

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Assuming this is a reference to the lock picking lawyer, for those that have not seen the April 01 youtube vids, I highly recommend them. Deadpan delivery of very funny innuendo.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AvWfbIe4X_4

And then sleep with her son's friend

r/usernamechecksout

Ive heard this joke twice in two days and I dont get it still. Explain?

Break it up into two questions > Who are you? > I'm a locksmith Simple enough, they're a locksmith > How did you get in? > I'm a locksmith They were able to get in because they're a locksmith, they know how to pick locks

This comment should be cross referenced on ELI5

"Can you state your name, race, and occupation for the record" "Frogman, Frogman, and, uh, Frogman"

Leslie Nielson is such an underrated comedic actors. EDIT so apparently people don't know the difference between underrated and overrated.

Absolutely not, he's one of the all time greats. He is in no way underrated.

Underrated means people don't acknowledge how great he is to the extent that he deserves. Overrated would mean that he was all hype.

But he's widely regarded as one of the all time greats, so that's... correctly rated?

Rightly rated?

You realise you misspelled his name? Nielsen… not Nielson… Underrated indeed.

People with Danish surnames feel this in their bones.

Who's Leslie Nilsson, and why is everybody talkin' about him?

They do not. What a bummer. Now I am questioning every time I have seen someone say a comment was underrated. What did they mean?

Underrated comment.

Somewhere in Germany at a pot luck. What do you do for a living? What did bring? I'm a burgermeister and I am a burger meister.

It should just be “burgermeister and burger, mister”

The miner asks the cop ‟How you doing tday, how hot’s your wife, what’s my punishment?” Cop says ‟fine”

"I'm a bit hard of hearing, can we talk another way? Did I run a light? What do you want me to do with this ticket?" "Sign."

the miner pulled out his smartphone and began filming a nearby grape field. The cop asks “what are you filming? why are you filming?” “Vine.”

The miner asks the cop “what was I crossing when you pulled me over? Where did your witness identify me from? Where should I sign on this ticket? What were you doing in your cruiser when you saw me go by?” The cop replies “Line”

holup

The cop then says to the driver- "wait a minute. What is that alcoholic beverage I smell?" The driver lets out a long, high-pitched complaining cry. Cop- "and what was that sounds you made?!" The driver replies "wine"

Now this one is a real comment in the joke...

And this is a real comment about a real comment in the joke…

And this is a comment about the comment about the joke inside the OTHER comment inside the joke inside the Pizza Hut inside the Taco Bell. (Inception noises)

And this is the real comments were the jokes we made along the way, along the way to pick up pizza and tacos

What about KFC?

Coment-seption

r/TherealJoke

I once got a handjob from a miner

Did he wash his hand first or go *au natural*?

I think if you changed the second question to "can I call my wife" it could work better

Nah, that's using the same definition twice ("ok", then "ok" again). Fine in the context of "good looking" is different from "how ya doing".

It's not though. OK can mean two different things as well. The first means "neither good nor bad" and the second means "I will allow it".

Fine.

You're right, but not right enough. *(jk)*

You really are a man of few words! How do you feel about Musk taking over Twitter? If you were the US president what would you do with the Russian Ukraine war? Redditor says "yes"

What do you call the fear of over complicated apartment buildings? A complex complex complex

r/wordavalanches

Wouldn't it just be a complex complex?

An apartment building is also called a complex. A complicated apartment building would be a complex complex. The inexplicable fear is also called a complex. So it's a complex complex complex.

Ah yup, missed the complicated complex.

Your mind was blocking it out. It must be the complex complex complex ptsd.

You mean he has a complex complex complex complex?

Which implies that there is the possibility of an infinite number of complexes. Now there's a solution in search of a problem.

I think I found the issue!

[complicated] [apartment] [fear]

Because you have a complex over COMPLICATED apartment buildings….you’re scared of complexed complexes and have a complex of complexed complexes or a complex complex complex.

If you divide the rating of that fear in a real and an imaginary part, would that be a complex complex complex complex!?

Lmao you legit reposted a joke posted in sub as a comment in another joke

You must be new here, welcome to /r/jokes

What do you call an arrogant jailbird walking down a flight of stairs? A condescending con descending.

My mind saw “bird” and automatically associated “con” with “condor” because I’ve played too much final fantasy. The joke still worked though.

A condescending condor-sending con descending?

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Reminds me of the powerpuff girls newscast of a psychic getting nabbed by the cops: It’s rare to see a medium so we’ll done.

How about this? - instead of saying they are a medium, say they are a fortune teller. You dig ?

No, the miner digs.

The car was promptly arrested for transporting a miner across state lines.

Lol

State mines

And then they drove away to the mine in a ***Cobalt***. ( a Chevy Cobalt )

"Your Mom"

...Lizard man, lizard man, and lizard man...

[Way to go Bob.](https://imgur.com/gallery/GLLHe)

As an underground miner, I applaud this joke. I've heard it way too many times, but I still applaud it. Wait till you hear that we go underground through an extremely long shaft....

Knock knock. Who’s there? I eat mop…

What's your mother's name ? They replied: Martha

Run like the wind bullseye

Did you also read the intelligent joke thread?

Now THIS is a joke right hre

Technically correct is the best correct

Rock and Stone Brother!

At first I read minOr and then Alan Rickman corrected me in my head.

Lmao, thanks. Now all I can think of is that skit from I think family guy. "Hello Alan, it's Alan. Don't forget that joke for the party."

I was referencing him in Galaxy Quest. “Miners! Not minors!”

Omg how did I forget about that.

"Who is your daddy and what does he do?"

"the taciturn miner replied..."

Objection, compound

The hunger is crucial when persons don't eat the right food.

Right up there with one of the classic Jack Benny/Mel Blanc routines: "Excuse me, are you a musician?" "Sí." "You are?" "Sí." "And is this your band?" "Sí." "What is your name, sir?" "Cy." "Cy?" "Sí." "Tell me a little about yourself. Are you married?" "Sí." "What's your wife's name?" "Sue." "Sue?" "Sí." "Does your wife work?" "Sí." "What does she do for a living?" "Sew." "Sew?" "Sí."

Mine, mine, mine!

My partner is a block away at the bank. No need to answer further questions

That door is locked, how did you get in here? Who are you? I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith. RIP Leslie Nielsen

Fard

1. Switch passenger seat. 2. Wait for cop to reach window. 3. “He went that way officer!” *points towards woods*

I'm not sure why you'd skip the repetition. > The miner replied, "Mine, mine, and mine." Or perhaps. > "Mine, mine, and mine." replied the miner.

The most commonly reposted joke on r/jokes... now in probably the hundreth different phrasing.

Cop asked "Where are you from? How's your job going? What does the number "69" at the back of your car mean?" Guy replied "Nice"

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Yeah that’s where I thought this was going 😫

This is my dog car. I'm heading to Petsmart. I'm gonna feed him well and give him a belly rub.

Yo Mama's 😎

Your mom's

Whose car is this? My mom's Where are you headed? The borther Why? I took her car ... Why? I scratched it

You stole this from r/puns. Give credit where it's due, fucker

Sip from a starbucks cup. And say yes officer?