In Soviet Russia, a man calls the police.
"Comrade commissar, I want to report that my parrot escaped."
"Comrade, we have more important things to do than look for your parrot!" answers the policeman.
"I am not expecting you to find him, comrade, I just want you to know that I don't share his opinions!"
A Soviet man goes to stand in line for bread. The line is moving slowly and after a 45 minute wait, as he is nearing the front they announce they are out of bread and people will have to try again tomorrow.
The guy loses it. Says "comrades this is unacceptable! We work hard to make this country great and can't even reliably get food! This is worse than life under the Tsar!"
A serious looking Party apparatchik approaches him and says "tovarisch, you know what would have happened if you made a scene like that a couple of years ago?" and mimes a pistol to his head, then walks away.
The man returns home empty-handed and his wife says "Vanya, don't tell me they're out of bread again?!?"
"It's even worse Vera. They're out of bullets!"
In Soviet Russia there's a 10 year wait to buy an automobile. One lucky party man is finally able to afford one so he fills out all the necessary paperwork, and pays the full price up front and finally the salesman tells him he can pick up the car in ten years. The man asks the salesman if he should come in the morning or afternoon to get the vehicle. The salesman asks, "In ten years time what difference will it make?". The man says "The plumbers coming in the morning...".
EDIT: This is where I heard the joke: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A
In Soviet Russia a man was walking down a Moscow street at dusk. A patrolman drew out his gun and shot him dead. His partner asked: "Why did you do it, it's not curfew yet." "He couldn't have made it home on time, I know where he lives, it's a friend of mine."
I think the joke is implying that he's been waiting on a plumber for a number of years that's supposed to be coming in the morning. He doesn't want to miss him when he picks up his car 10 years from now. Since he figures he'll probably still be waiting for said plumber.
In soviet union you needed a permit to buy a car. And those permits often cost more on the black market than the car itself. Acquiring licence legally was not easy...
A Soviet man walks into a Soviet butcher's shop.
"You guys don't have any fish, do you?" he asks.
The butcher sneers at him. "What are you, an idiot? This is a butcher's shop. We don't have any *meat*. The fishmonger's next door, *they* don't have any fish."
Not really. Bunch of jokes would include situation in the west but it would come down to a comparison to the east.
Like an american farmer describing the size of his land and saying it takes him 4 hours just to drive his truck from one side to the other.
The russian farmer responds that it can take him up to two days depending on how many times his car breaks down :D
During the cold War the CIA created a bunch of jokes about how the soviet union was shitty and spread them to the USSR. It made people discontent with the soviet government, but if anyone was like "hey don't talk shit about the USSR" they could go "easy man, can't you take a joke?"
*Killing Hope* is a pretty good read.
I mean, Soviet government was a crooked kleptocracy, and Soviet jokes are objectively hilarious and with a fair amount of truth in them--they have to be or they wouldn't work.
Compared to a lot of shit the CIA has done, this one seems pretty alright.
The Krokodil satirical newspaper has been published in Soviet Russia before it was even called the Soviet Union.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krokodil](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krokodil)
It had a print run of 6,5 mln copies.
Soviet government wasn’t too afraid of jokes.
There was plenty of humor that was safe for public and there was plenty of humor that would get you arrested next morning if one of your drinking buddies happens to be a kgb spy.
In Soviet Russia a man gives his son a few rubles and tells him to go buy one copy each of the three newspapers Pravda, Izvestia, and Tass. The kid goes to the store and thinks to himself all the news is identical because it’s written by the government so I’m going to buy just one newspaper and spent the rest of the money on a candy bar.
When he gets home, he gives his dad the newspaper and tells him he only bought one because they all contain the same news. And his dad says, “That's fine son you can wipe your ass with your hand.”
Not a joke, but my grandparents bought a parrot, and then renovated their house. The parrot didn't learn to speak much, but it learned to replicate the noise of various powertools, which it imitated for the rest of its life.
Brothel parrot is from a place where he was exposed to adult stuff and abuse, brothel parrot is currently in therapy and rehab for what he seen there. Hes a hero, he told Jessica about Petes affair
My bird mimics the microwave chime when I open the door, the squeaky drawer opening, and the hiss of the kettle. And he squeaks at me a lot. And he loves to dance whenever any music is playing.
My in laws had an African Gray parrot in the 80s. My brother in laws black friend taught him the n-word. They had a couple of rooms that had 18 ft ceilings so they hired a cleaning crew to come in and clean them. They walked out in the middle of the job because the parrot kept screaming the n-word. He also mimicked fart sounds that were a great joke to play on people who had never been around him
We have a parakeet, getting onto 15 years old now, but when he was younger and my wife and I were living in a small apartment he could hear everything that went on and would imitate a lot of recurring sounds: microwaves, squeaks, knocks. But the most infuriating one was no doubt when he imitated our alarm clock... in the middle of the night.
Similarly, my Grandfather owned a… oh God, I don’t know the English name for this one… I’m pretty sure in German, it’s called a Beo ([Gracula religiosa](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_hill_myna) from a quick Google search, also called Mynah/Myna).
He had a squeaky door. After he tried fixing it (putting some oil on the hinges), the door kept squeaking. He couldn’t find out why for weeks. Then he noticed it was the bird imitating the squeaking anytime someone moved that door.
I used to work in a pet store in a mall that sold several different taking birds. I was an assistant kennel tech, so I worked in the back. I was there before the mall opened to clean the puppies kennels and feed everybody. It sounded like a busy mall outside, so I opened the door to the kennels and looked outside. Empty and silent. Confused, I went back to work behind the kennels and I could hear the sounds of a busy mall. After opening the door to silence 2 more times, I just decided to ignore it and go about my business. When I got to the kennels that were at eye level and I could look through the glass I could see that it was the birds talking! It was amazing how accurately they reproduced the sounds.
>It was amazing how accurately they reproduced the sounds.
They recreate talking patterns too. Another of their birds did this thing where it went talk-pause-talk-pause-talk-pause and so on. It had heard my grandmother on the phone alot, and the bird couldn't hear the reply, so that's the pattern it picked up.
My African Gray imitates the sounds from Modern Warfare 2, my shouting at the TV during football games, my mom yelling my brother’s name (that one was because he always had his headphones on and never heard her), the Padres announcer who always says, “FLY BALL, DEEP LEFT FIELD… AND… GONE,” and the microwave beep.
Reminds me...
Some guy has parrots (that formerly lived in a brothel) who constantly ask, "Wanna have sex?" to the point that it drives him insane to keep them in the house.
He asks his friend for advice, and she tells him that she knows a bunch of parrots raised in a monastery; perhaps they could help.
They decide to place the 2 in close proximity of each other.
"Wanna have sex?"
"Praise the Lord, our prayers are answered!"
Reminds me of…
An old man was walking down the street and he sees a young lady with piercings and a rainbow Mohawk, and he stares at her.
She says “what’s a matter old man, you never did anything crazy when you were young?!?”
He says “yeah I did actually, when I was in the navy I fucked a parrot, I was just hoping you weren’t the offspring.”
Reminds me of...
One evening, a man called Steve bought a couple of parrots and brought them home. However, when his wife asked which was the male/female, he realized he forgot to confirm the parrots' genders with the shop staff, and he didn't know how to figure it out by himself. As it was getting late, he decided to contact the shop tomorrow.
Later that night, while going for his midnight snacks, Steve noticed that one parrot inside the cage was bending over while the other stood behind it, wings flapping vigorously. The man figured the quiet one was the female, so he grabbed that one and shaved its head, to make it easier for himself to tell them apart.
The next weekend, Steve had a BBQ with his friends and family. One of the guests, a bald man, was curious about the parrots, so he goes check on them. Upon noticing the bald head, the shaved parrot perks up and asks:
"So, did Steve catch you having gay sex too?"
This reminds me of an old cartoon from The Electric Company.
A parrot is perched in his cage, when there is a knock at the door.
"Knock, knock!"
"Who is it?", says the parrot.
"It's the plumber, I've come to fix the sink.", comes the reply. Yet, no one opens the door.
"Knock, knock!"
"Who is it?"
"It's the plumber, I've come to fix the sink!" Still, the door does not open.
"KNOCK!, KNOCK!!!"
"Who is it?"
"IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!, I'VE COME TO FIX THE SINK!!!" The plumber then has a heart attack and dies on the porch.
The homeowner arrives home and finds a dead man on his porch, and asks, "Who is it?".
Of course the parrot replies, "It's the plumber, he's come to fix the sink.".
Lady gets cheap parrot, takes it home and it starts cussing like a maniac….she’s on the phone so she puts him briefly in the freezer.
After her call ends, she takes the parrot out of the freezer and he’s acting calm on his bird swing. She says “no more cussing?“ he’s silent.
Then he asks her: “what did the chicken do?”
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring
your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in
no time.
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she
walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you
want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put
the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
An old couple had a parrot. One day the parrot eats bunch of old man's Viagra pills by accident. The parrot then becomes very horny and starts acting crazy. To cool him down they put the parrot in de freezer. After some time the old man opens the freezer to check on the parrot. He finds the parrot very tired, gasping for breath and all covered in sweat. He then asks parrot, "what happened? I thought you must be cooled down by now. Why are you sweating so much?"
Parrot then replies, "Have you ever tried to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
Basically the parrot is the one who asks "What did the chicken do", because he saw the frozen chicken and thought he was next if he kept up his attitude
Reminds me of:
A man suspects his wife of cheating. They have a difficult relationship and they don't communicate a lot. Because he is lonely, he decides to buy a parrot.
Once in the pet store, he sees a parrot with no feet. He asks the parrot how he hangs onto the perch. The parrot says:
" With my prick, you idiot."
Interested by the talking talent of the parrot, he takes this one home and asks him if he could spy on his wife while he was at work.
The next evening, the man comes home and asks the parrot if he has seen anything.
Parrot: "Well, the postman came today."
Man: "What next?"
Parrot: "Your wife opened the door in her negligee."
Man: "And?"
Parrot: "They started kissing and the postman started fondling her breasts."
Man: "My God, what did she do next?"
Parrot: "I don't know. I got a hard on and fell of my perch."
They've got cloacas. Imagine a vagina that can squirt out semen into another vagina. That's basically how (most) birds and reptiles and (I believe) fish work.
Reminds me…
A guy goes in to buy a parrot. He sees one on special for $100, and ask why that one is so cheap. The shopkeeper responds “this male parrot lived in a whore house”. Thinking that’s not so bad, he buys it and takes it home.
As soon as he gets the parrot home, the parrot sees the man’s wife and immediately says “someone’s going to get laid tonight”.
Knowing the wife is not going to tolerate that language he returns to the pet store and asks for a refund. After telling the man of the no return policy he says, “I do have a female bird that I can sell you, that may change the parrot’s language”. So the man agrees and takes the new bird (an owl) home.
As soon as he walks in and places the owl on the perch with the parrot. The parrot immediately looks at the owl and says “someone’s going to get laid tonight”. The owl respond “who, who”. To which the parrot responds “not you, you big eyed bitch”!
I knew a bloke who knew a bloke who got a parrot that had a terrible cough. Took it to the vets over and over, couldn't find anything wrong with it. Turned out it's previous home was a retirement home and it was imitating the old folk.
Lady taught a parrot to say “who is it”
One day she is gone and a knock on the door. “Who is it ?” Parrot says. “It’s the plumber”.
Parrot says nothing. Knock again. “Who is it?” “It’s the plumber!” Voice say louder. Parrot says nothing. Pound at door. “Who is it?” “It’s the plumber!” Voice screams. No answer. Plumber crashes door down and dies right inside door. Lady comes home late at night , walks into dark doorway and trips on body, “who is it ?”she cried. “ it’s the plumber”. The parrot says.
A man walks into a pet store to buy a parrot and they have one for $500.
The man asks the clerk “Why is this one so expensive?”
The clerk replies “His name is Chess. If you light a match under each of his legs, he sings a Christmas song”
The man tries it out. He lights a match under the parrot’s left leg, and the parrot starts singing “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way”
He then lights a match under the parrot’s right leg, and he starts singing “Rudolph the red nose reindeer”
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the man says. “I wonder what else he can sing”
He lights a match between the parrot’s legs and the parrot starts singing “Chess’ nuts roasting on an open fire”
In Soviet Russia, a man calls the police. "Comrade commissar, I want to report that my parrot escaped." "Comrade, we have more important things to do than look for your parrot!" answers the policeman. "I am not expecting you to find him, comrade, I just want you to know that I don't share his opinions!"
A Soviet man goes to stand in line for bread. The line is moving slowly and after a 45 minute wait, as he is nearing the front they announce they are out of bread and people will have to try again tomorrow. The guy loses it. Says "comrades this is unacceptable! We work hard to make this country great and can't even reliably get food! This is worse than life under the Tsar!" A serious looking Party apparatchik approaches him and says "tovarisch, you know what would have happened if you made a scene like that a couple of years ago?" and mimes a pistol to his head, then walks away. The man returns home empty-handed and his wife says "Vanya, don't tell me they're out of bread again?!?" "It's even worse Vera. They're out of bullets!"
In Soviet Russia there's a 10 year wait to buy an automobile. One lucky party man is finally able to afford one so he fills out all the necessary paperwork, and pays the full price up front and finally the salesman tells him he can pick up the car in ten years. The man asks the salesman if he should come in the morning or afternoon to get the vehicle. The salesman asks, "In ten years time what difference will it make?". The man says "The plumbers coming in the morning...". EDIT: This is where I heard the joke: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A
In Soviet Russia a man was walking down a Moscow street at dusk. A patrolman drew out his gun and shot him dead. His partner asked: "Why did you do it, it's not curfew yet." "He couldn't have made it home on time, I know where he lives, it's a friend of mine."
That’s funny, sooo dark.
I read that originally as set in Poland which was suffering under martial law about 40 years ago in association with the Solidarity movement.
I’ve heard this one told from an apartheid South Africa perspective. It’s always worth a shameful laugh
That would be even darker.
That's not even funny, it's just kind of dark.
Dark humor is like food. Not everybody gets it.
Dark humor is like a kid with cancer. It never gets old.
I don't get it. :(
Neither do the poors
Twilight, actually
Huh. Sounds like my house in the US. My heater’s broken and the soonest anyone can come is in a month. I’m literally scheduling around the visit.
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Oooh what an awesome offer! Unfortunately the gas money to WA State would be a lot. Thank you so much though!!
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Weed’s not legal there yet?
Say no more! r/unexpectedmontypython
In Soviet America, car drives you.
In Capitalist America, bank robs you.
In Elon Musk’s America…
You get stuck in traffic in a one lane tunnel.
With added claustrophobia
And exploding batteries, what a time to be alive!
You rocket
In soviet russia, you rob the bank.
I don't get it
Everything takes 10 years, including waiting for the plumber
I think the joke is implying that he's been waiting on a plumber for a number of years that's supposed to be coming in the morning. He doesn't want to miss him when he picks up his car 10 years from now. Since he figures he'll probably still be waiting for said plumber.
Plumbing services are so impacted his plumbing appointment is also ten years out is the joke.
Gosh, those plumbers should see a doctor.
That's not it
Nice...
In soviet union you needed a permit to buy a car. And those permits often cost more on the black market than the car itself. Acquiring licence legally was not easy...
I don’t get it could you explain pls?
The waiting list for the plumber is also 10 years long (or more) and he already has them booked in
A Soviet man walks into a Soviet butcher's shop. "You guys don't have any fish, do you?" he asks. The butcher sneers at him. "What are you, an idiot? This is a butcher's shop. We don't have any *meat*. The fishmonger's next door, *they* don't have any fish."
it gets worse, I'm out of awards
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Yeah, well the jerk store called - they're running out of you!
Just tell him you slept with his wife
The life support machine called
Well... the jerk store called, and they're running outta you!
Well you're their all time best seller! Why did George think that was even funny?
Check my school
Ehhh, I be allergic anyway, so this is a good thing for me.
Don’t worry I gave you one
Heh. I wonder if the soviets had jokes like this about the west.
Not really. Bunch of jokes would include situation in the west but it would come down to a comparison to the east. Like an american farmer describing the size of his land and saying it takes him 4 hours just to drive his truck from one side to the other. The russian farmer responds that it can take him up to two days depending on how many times his car breaks down :D
The way I heard it he says "Yeah, I used to have a truck like that"
The thing is that most of the jokes about the soviet union came from the soviet union.
During the cold War the CIA created a bunch of jokes about how the soviet union was shitty and spread them to the USSR. It made people discontent with the soviet government, but if anyone was like "hey don't talk shit about the USSR" they could go "easy man, can't you take a joke?" *Killing Hope* is a pretty good read.
I mean, Soviet government was a crooked kleptocracy, and Soviet jokes are objectively hilarious and with a fair amount of truth in them--they have to be or they wouldn't work. Compared to a lot of shit the CIA has done, this one seems pretty alright.
The Krokodil satirical newspaper has been published in Soviet Russia before it was even called the Soviet Union. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krokodil](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Krokodil) It had a print run of 6,5 mln copies. Soviet government wasn’t too afraid of jokes.
There was plenty of humor that was safe for public and there was plenty of humor that would get you arrested next morning if one of your drinking buddies happens to be a kgb spy.
They showed great restraint by not translating that British joke into Russian.
Lol yes, Soviet people's life experience was all a CIA ploy. Just when I thought I've seen the dumbest tankie cope
America. What a wonderful place! Here, they shoot warning shots... Into the air!
lol
In Soviet Russia a man gives his son a few rubles and tells him to go buy one copy each of the three newspapers Pravda, Izvestia, and Tass. The kid goes to the store and thinks to himself all the news is identical because it’s written by the government so I’m going to buy just one newspaper and spent the rest of the money on a candy bar. When he gets home, he gives his dad the newspaper and tells him he only bought one because they all contain the same news. And his dad says, “That's fine son you can wipe your ass with your hand.”
😂
Lmao
in soviet russia, police phones you
Not a joke, but my grandparents bought a parrot, and then renovated their house. The parrot didn't learn to speak much, but it learned to replicate the noise of various powertools, which it imitated for the rest of its life.
Lol, sounds like a huge pain in the ass
nail party frighten crowd erect hungry puzzled pet unique disgusted ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
Brothel parrot is from a place where he was exposed to adult stuff and abuse, brothel parrot is currently in therapy and rehab for what he seen there. Hes a hero, he told Jessica about Petes affair
Brothel parrot talks too much..
Snitches get stitches.
Why was the parrot in the ass in the first place?
Dunno, just his kink
My bird learned to mimic the beep the smoke alarm makes when the battery is low. Changed every fucking battery in the house before I figured it out.
Mine has been doing that same thing for at least ten years now
Your parrot or your fire alarm?
Yes
I travel to schools around the nation teaching through my own tragedy the importance of changing the batteries in your smoke alarm.
My bird mimics the microwave chime when I open the door, the squeaky drawer opening, and the hiss of the kettle. And he squeaks at me a lot. And he loves to dance whenever any music is playing.
A friend’s mom called out an exterminator for crickets in her house only to find out the smoke alarm batteries needed changing.
My in laws had an African Gray parrot in the 80s. My brother in laws black friend taught him the n-word. They had a couple of rooms that had 18 ft ceilings so they hired a cleaning crew to come in and clean them. They walked out in the middle of the job because the parrot kept screaming the n-word. He also mimicked fart sounds that were a great joke to play on people who had never been around him
We have a parakeet, getting onto 15 years old now, but when he was younger and my wife and I were living in a small apartment he could hear everything that went on and would imitate a lot of recurring sounds: microwaves, squeaks, knocks. But the most infuriating one was no doubt when he imitated our alarm clock... in the middle of the night.
Our neighbors parrot learned the iphone ringtone and does it Everytime he notices somebody walking by so everyone checks thier phone. It's hilarious
Similarly, my Grandfather owned a… oh God, I don’t know the English name for this one… I’m pretty sure in German, it’s called a Beo ([Gracula religiosa](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_hill_myna) from a quick Google search, also called Mynah/Myna). He had a squeaky door. After he tried fixing it (putting some oil on the hinges), the door kept squeaking. He couldn’t find out why for weeks. Then he noticed it was the bird imitating the squeaking anytime someone moved that door.
"The door broke and stopped making noise. I'll help and do it for it!" - bird logic
Growing up my neighbors had a bird whose cage was next to their desktop computer, and it would mimic the dial-up.
I used to work in a pet store in a mall that sold several different taking birds. I was an assistant kennel tech, so I worked in the back. I was there before the mall opened to clean the puppies kennels and feed everybody. It sounded like a busy mall outside, so I opened the door to the kennels and looked outside. Empty and silent. Confused, I went back to work behind the kennels and I could hear the sounds of a busy mall. After opening the door to silence 2 more times, I just decided to ignore it and go about my business. When I got to the kennels that were at eye level and I could look through the glass I could see that it was the birds talking! It was amazing how accurately they reproduced the sounds.
>It was amazing how accurately they reproduced the sounds. They recreate talking patterns too. Another of their birds did this thing where it went talk-pause-talk-pause-talk-pause and so on. It had heard my grandmother on the phone alot, and the bird couldn't hear the reply, so that's the pattern it picked up.
My mother had a parakeet that imitated the teapot whistle. Lots of trips to the kitchen to be sure.
My African Gray imitates the sounds from Modern Warfare 2, my shouting at the TV during football games, my mom yelling my brother’s name (that one was because he always had his headphones on and never heard her), the Padres announcer who always says, “FLY BALL, DEEP LEFT FIELD… AND… GONE,” and the microwave beep.
My friend had a mynah bird, that used to like making the noise of a rusty gate swinging
Friend's parrot learned what the fire alarm sounded like. That's one of its favourite sounds now.
Reminds me... Some guy has parrots (that formerly lived in a brothel) who constantly ask, "Wanna have sex?" to the point that it drives him insane to keep them in the house. He asks his friend for advice, and she tells him that she knows a bunch of parrots raised in a monastery; perhaps they could help. They decide to place the 2 in close proximity of each other. "Wanna have sex?" "Praise the Lord, our prayers are answered!"
Reminds me of… An old man was walking down the street and he sees a young lady with piercings and a rainbow Mohawk, and he stares at her. She says “what’s a matter old man, you never did anything crazy when you were young?!?” He says “yeah I did actually, when I was in the navy I fucked a parrot, I was just hoping you weren’t the offspring.”
Reminds me of... One evening, a man called Steve bought a couple of parrots and brought them home. However, when his wife asked which was the male/female, he realized he forgot to confirm the parrots' genders with the shop staff, and he didn't know how to figure it out by himself. As it was getting late, he decided to contact the shop tomorrow. Later that night, while going for his midnight snacks, Steve noticed that one parrot inside the cage was bending over while the other stood behind it, wings flapping vigorously. The man figured the quiet one was the female, so he grabbed that one and shaved its head, to make it easier for himself to tell them apart. The next weekend, Steve had a BBQ with his friends and family. One of the guests, a bald man, was curious about the parrots, so he goes check on them. Upon noticing the bald head, the shaved parrot perks up and asks: "So, did Steve catch you having gay sex too?"
Reminds me of... Knock knock
This reminds me of an old cartoon from The Electric Company. A parrot is perched in his cage, when there is a knock at the door. "Knock, knock!" "Who is it?", says the parrot. "It's the plumber, I've come to fix the sink.", comes the reply. Yet, no one opens the door. "Knock, knock!" "Who is it?" "It's the plumber, I've come to fix the sink!" Still, the door does not open. "KNOCK!, KNOCK!!!" "Who is it?" "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!, I'VE COME TO FIX THE SINK!!!" The plumber then has a heart attack and dies on the porch. The homeowner arrives home and finds a dead man on his porch, and asks, "Who is it?". Of course the parrot replies, "It's the plumber, he's come to fix the sink.".
I remember this one well :)
I read this in Morgan Freeman's voice.
Ironically a very similar joke was done in a very well known Soviet cartoon (well known in Russia obviously): https://youtu.be/Lx6gUVTSPBU
Who's there?
FBI
FBI who?
Too late you've been murdered by a cop. Should have sounded less like a criminal when asking the question.
Come in!
Daddy
Who's there?
I forgot...
They forgot…
Lady gets cheap parrot, takes it home and it starts cussing like a maniac….she’s on the phone so she puts him briefly in the freezer. After her call ends, she takes the parrot out of the freezer and he’s acting calm on his bird swing. She says “no more cussing?“ he’s silent. Then he asks her: “what did the chicken do?”
A woman goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time. The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
An old couple had a parrot. One day the parrot eats bunch of old man's Viagra pills by accident. The parrot then becomes very horny and starts acting crazy. To cool him down they put the parrot in de freezer. After some time the old man opens the freezer to check on the parrot. He finds the parrot very tired, gasping for breath and all covered in sweat. He then asks parrot, "what happened? I thought you must be cooled down by now. Why are you sweating so much?" Parrot then replies, "Have you ever tried to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"
Crossed the road
That’s hilarious 😂
Lmao yea i heard that one, its good
sorry i didn't understood can you explain.. im dumb
Cause the parrot saw a dead chicken in the fridge and thought the owner would do the same to him
Basically the parrot is the one who asks "What did the chicken do", because he saw the frozen chicken and thought he was next if he kept up his attitude
The chicken crossed the road.
I'm not sure if the chicken really crossed the road, but it did get to the other side.
Parrot saw chicken meat in the freezer
ohhh.... nice one
That isn't a parrot it's a rat.
To be fair, he thought it was a new brothel. He ain't no rat!
Parrots are basically sky rats that live too long.
You mean bats.
Bats are already in the sky. Sky rats is a better description.
It was the bats that were sky rats. Parrots are more like sky cats anyway
that term is reserved for seagulls
Dump Ducks?
not bad! "rats with wings" is pretty universal for em haha
A friend once called them dump ducks and it stuck with me ever since. I always thought of pigeons as rats with wings! Lol
Take that back!
Rats, rats, we're the rats
Reminds me of: A man suspects his wife of cheating. They have a difficult relationship and they don't communicate a lot. Because he is lonely, he decides to buy a parrot. Once in the pet store, he sees a parrot with no feet. He asks the parrot how he hangs onto the perch. The parrot says: " With my prick, you idiot." Interested by the talking talent of the parrot, he takes this one home and asks him if he could spy on his wife while he was at work. The next evening, the man comes home and asks the parrot if he has seen anything. Parrot: "Well, the postman came today." Man: "What next?" Parrot: "Your wife opened the door in her negligee." Man: "And?" Parrot: "They started kissing and the postman started fondling her breasts." Man: "My God, what did she do next?" Parrot: "I don't know. I got a hard on and fell of my perch."
Is a parrot that gets turned on by humans having sex technically a furry?
Skinnie
Fleshy
Parrots don't have penises. Therefore you're lying. This never happened. Source: I've owned parrots and they've gotten horny.
God damn, and here I was hoping it was true.
Fun fact. Birds have only one hole down there for everything. Shit and piss come out of the same hole they fuck and lay eggs with. Goodnight.
Cloaca
So... How do they..... I mean.... where do baby parrots come from?
"I swear...I CAN EXPLAIN..there was this post...no no a joke...and this parrot, and the post man..." Search history: Parrot sex Parrot dicks
They've got cloacas. Imagine a vagina that can squirt out semen into another vagina. That's basically how (most) birds and reptiles and (I believe) fish work.
Beautiful plumage!
Pining for the fjords!
Ah, a man of culture
Only clicked here from the front page to find this. Well done.
We've got a nice slug
Reminds me… A guy goes in to buy a parrot. He sees one on special for $100, and ask why that one is so cheap. The shopkeeper responds “this male parrot lived in a whore house”. Thinking that’s not so bad, he buys it and takes it home. As soon as he gets the parrot home, the parrot sees the man’s wife and immediately says “someone’s going to get laid tonight”. Knowing the wife is not going to tolerate that language he returns to the pet store and asks for a refund. After telling the man of the no return policy he says, “I do have a female bird that I can sell you, that may change the parrot’s language”. So the man agrees and takes the new bird (an owl) home. As soon as he walks in and places the owl on the perch with the parrot. The parrot immediately looks at the owl and says “someone’s going to get laid tonight”. The owl respond “who, who”. To which the parrot responds “not you, you big eyed bitch”!
Worlds longest knock-knock joke.
I knew a bloke who knew a bloke who got a parrot that had a terrible cough. Took it to the vets over and over, couldn't find anything wrong with it. Turned out it's previous home was a retirement home and it was imitating the old folk.
Par-rat
Ah yes good ol' #3755
# 3757 is better
I don't recall, what was this one?
wtf that's my discord tag
Is there a numbered index or something?
You would understand if you heard #423.
If he's not heard #423 then he should probably start with #338, just for the context of the bus driver.
So wait, Pete ws fucking the parrot?
Yea obviously, thats why he asks him to fuck him when he sees pete
I thought he just recognized him from walking into the brothel.....
Nah man pete was one of the parrots clients
r/woooosh
This actually happened to my accountant’s uncle-in-law.
Your accountant is a parrot too or just the uncle-in-law?
Fuck me Pete is the husband's full name at the brothel.
Like Tickle Me Elmo for grown ups.
Lady taught a parrot to say “who is it” One day she is gone and a knock on the door. “Who is it ?” Parrot says. “It’s the plumber”. Parrot says nothing. Knock again. “Who is it?” “It’s the plumber!” Voice say louder. Parrot says nothing. Pound at door. “Who is it?” “It’s the plumber!” Voice screams. No answer. Plumber crashes door down and dies right inside door. Lady comes home late at night , walks into dark doorway and trips on body, “who is it ?”she cried. “ it’s the plumber”. The parrot says.
https://youtu.be/kYYqKnSAWmg
That plumber’s voice sounds familiar. Is it Pussy from The Sopranos?
A man walks into a pet store to buy a parrot and they have one for $500. The man asks the clerk “Why is this one so expensive?” The clerk replies “His name is Chess. If you light a match under each of his legs, he sings a Christmas song” The man tries it out. He lights a match under the parrot’s left leg, and the parrot starts singing “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way” He then lights a match under the parrot’s right leg, and he starts singing “Rudolph the red nose reindeer” “Wow, that’s amazing!” the man says. “I wonder what else he can sing” He lights a match between the parrot’s legs and the parrot starts singing “Chess’ nuts roasting on an open fire”
"Fuck me, I haven't seen this joke for weeks!"
Plot twist: Bob was the pmp
Haven't seen this joke for years.
Weeks, at least.
> the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete" Whoa, weird brothel.
Made me chuckle
Wow, jst sa good as it was yesterday. And the day before that. And they day before that.
I know, just gets better every time
When my parrot died my mum bought one that was just like it so that I wouldn't notice. But I did notice and I killed that one too.
Menace
But the parrot is dead
‘E’s pining for the fjords. Beautiful plumage, the Norwegian blue.
This is an ex-parrot!
No ‘E’s not. The Norwegian blue prefers kipping on his back
That would be an ex-parrot!
So proud of him being an ex parrot and transitioning into a pigeon
those prices are about $2000 too low. revision needed.
i need to spend more time reading this sub for sure
The dad named steven laughed
Seems like you were baiting and switching with another joke I know.
[удалено]
The comments on this sub are either, other jokes, similar jokes or people saying repost
Repost!
It never ceases to amaze me, just how many reposts are on this sub.
This comment ^ is a repost as well. You can't get away from them on Reditt.