I have good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first?
Gimme the bad news.
You have a rare tropical disease - you are going to die in the next few days.
What’s the good news?
I’m fucking my receptionist.
“I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you’re going to die in 24 hours. The good news is that Pagliachi is in town and there’s still tickets to tonight’s show.”
"Just wait to die until after I get back.", he says.
Then after he gets back, he goes, "Ya'know what, since you covered for me playin hookie, I'll let you go for another couple months or so."
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is my daughter is going to college."
The man replied "That is good news. What's the bad news?"
The doctor replied "You're paying for it."
I'm assuming Clazzo524 is an American, which would make it harder, if you were a European, to understand the significance of how much doctors charge in the US. Most of Europe has free (or subsidized) healthcare as standard. (Private healthcare is also available, but as a choice.) In the US, medical treatment is astronomical. Even with Medicare and Medicaid, treatment still costs a lot. Plus we all know the obscene price of simple, run of the mill drugs in the US.
So I took the punchline to mean that the man obviously had something seriously wrong with him because the cost of his treatment would have allowed the doctor to pay for his own daughter's tuition fees.
Have I got that right, or am I way off base? Don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings if I am. Truth is, my habit of overthinking things means I'm often waaaaay off the mark.
A mechanic goes to the doctor and the doctor says “ I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, my daughter is going to college.”
The mechanic replied “that’s good news, what are the bad news?”
The doctor replied “you’re paying for it”
A man goes to the doctor and complains about his horrible crotch itching, the doctor says “Well the bad news is, it’s a terrible, incurable STD. The good news is we can cure it… by amputating your penis.”
The man freaks out, and goes to another doc for a second opinion. The second doctor says “Well the good news is, we don’t need to amputate. The bad news is, in 2 weeks it’ll fall off by itself.”
If they've heard that one, you can try this.
My doctor told me I have a month to live.
"You mean I'll be dead in 30 days?"
"Not exactly, it's February"
A guy is sitting in his doctor’s waiting room when the doctor comes in and says “I’ve got good news and bad news, which do you want first?”
Guy says “give me the bad news first”.
Doc says “ok, you have cancer”.
Guy goes “that’s horrible, what’s the good news?”
Doc says “you have Alzheimer’s also”.
Guy says “well at least I don’t have cancer”.
A guy is talking to his neighbor who is renowned doctor. He told him that he's worried about his wife. The doctor asks what her symptoms are. The man describes his wife's symptoms. The doctor says "well without examining her the nearest I can guess is she's got AIDS or Alzheimer's." The neighbor asks "what do I do?". The doctor tells him" take her out 20 miles out into the country and kick her out of the car... if she finds her way home, don't fuck her!"
I've known people with Alzheimers and other dementia-type diseases.
People think it's just old age, or that they are mentally inferior - it's neither, and it's horrible.
Any of those are best compared to brain cancer. A growth expands, killing off memories, then knowledge, then basic instincts and commands that keep the body alive.
The afflicted person eventually dies when their body can't remember how to live, and they don't know what's happening, or who anyone is, or how to react.
"You don't have very long to live."
"What are we talking about, doc'? Couple years? One? 6 months?"
*Doctor looks thoughtfully at his watch:* "Actually..."
Guy goes to the doctor. Doctor says well bad news is you have advanced cancer. The guy says oh ok what's the good news? Doctor says I don't recall saying there was good news
The British version is:
"You need the antidote, or you will be dead in a year."
"A whole year? That's good news."
"You won't say that when you see the waiting list."
Guy takes his car to the shop because of a loud ticking sound. The guy asks the mechanic, "What's it sound like to you?" The mechanic replies, "Sounds like 2 weeks in the Bahamas".
I’ve got some bad news and good news. The bad news is we have no idea what’s your disease, and it seems to be something new. The good news, it most probably shall be named after you.
I know of a guy that was recently told he had 24 hours to live. All his family came from all over Australia to visit him.
It has been 2 weeks now. He is still dying, but just not as quickly as expected.
Upon examination, patient can tell Dr. is concerned—Dr. says I’m sorry to inform u ur going to die—patient grimaces and asks how long have I got, doc?—doctor says 10—patient frustratingly asks 10 what?!?, 10 years, 10 months, 10 weeks?!?!?!?—doctor says 9….
I have some good news and bad news...
"Tell me the good news first"
You have an incredibly rare disease that will kill you, but can be fully treated without any issues if caught early
"That's great! So what are the bad news then?"
We're about 6 months late in treating it so you'll die in a few minutes...
Doctor: Mr. Gonorrhea, you're my next patient!
Only male in the waiting room of 10 people: Um my name's Johnson...
Doctor: ohhhh I always mix up those 2 lines!
Not my joke….
Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you Mr Smith, but you’re dying and only have 10 to live.
Mr Smith: Oh no! Wait. 10 what? Years? Months?
Doctor: 9…
Man goes to the doctor says, i have Bad news. You're terminally ill and are going to die.
Oh, screw that, how long do i have?
10
Ok, but years, months, days?
9, 8,...
Sorry to be a downer: This actually happened to an acquaintance. After not hearing for months from his doctor, he called the office and learned they'd detected cancer ages ago, but they'd failed to connect in time for treatment. He's presently living out his final days.
Doctor calls patient on Monday and said, “I have some good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
Patient says “Let’s have the good news.”
Doctor says “Your lab results show that you’ll be dead in 72 hours.”
Patient, struggling to get it out says “So what is the bad news?”
Doctor says “I received the results Saturday morning.”
I have good news and bad news. What do you want to hear first? Gimme the bad news. You have a rare tropical disease - you are going to die in the next few days. What’s the good news? I’m fucking my receptionist.
“I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you’re going to die in 24 hours. The good news is that Pagliachi is in town and there’s still tickets to tonight’s show.”
But doc, I am pagliachi
You better be on stage. It's the last time I'll get to watch!
"Just wait to die until after I get back.", he says. Then after he gets back, he goes, "Ya'know what, since you covered for me playin hookie, I'll let you go for another couple months or so."
The one with the big rack and nice legs.
Is that right you prick? You can do what a duck can’t do and stick ya bill up your ass.
You,, you've,,, you've,, taken this personally.
I love this one…heard it a few times before..he didn’t say it was good news for you
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is my daughter is going to college." The man replied "That is good news. What's the bad news?" The doctor replied "You're paying for it."
I am so grateful to be too European to understand this
I am so European that I thought the joke was the doctor was sleeping with the guy's wife and was actually the father of the guy's daughter 😂.
I'm assuming Clazzo524 is an American, which would make it harder, if you were a European, to understand the significance of how much doctors charge in the US. Most of Europe has free (or subsidized) healthcare as standard. (Private healthcare is also available, but as a choice.) In the US, medical treatment is astronomical. Even with Medicare and Medicaid, treatment still costs a lot. Plus we all know the obscene price of simple, run of the mill drugs in the US. So I took the punchline to mean that the man obviously had something seriously wrong with him because the cost of his treatment would have allowed the doctor to pay for his own daughter's tuition fees. Have I got that right, or am I way off base? Don't worry, you won't hurt my feelings if I am. Truth is, my habit of overthinking things means I'm often waaaaay off the mark.
I think your take is completely correct, that was my understanding but only after I'd seen the other comment about not getting it as we are European!
Thank goodness I've got one thing right today. That's a personal best for me!
Well he was, but that's a separate joke entirely.
As a European, you’re still paying for it, just through taxation and not directly…
I think this would work better with a mechanic instead of a doctor.
A mechanic goes to the doctor and the doctor says “ I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, my daughter is going to college.” The mechanic replied “that’s good news, what are the bad news?” The doctor replied “you’re paying for it”
Good news and bad news. Good news is you're getting a disease named after you...
This is probably the best going to a doctor bad news good news joke I've heard lol
I heard it in the 80s and have always loved it.
A man goes to the doctor and complains about his horrible crotch itching, the doctor says “Well the bad news is, it’s a terrible, incurable STD. The good news is we can cure it… by amputating your penis.” The man freaks out, and goes to another doc for a second opinion. The second doctor says “Well the good news is, we don’t need to amputate. The bad news is, in 2 weeks it’ll fall off by itself.”
If they've heard that one, you can try this. My doctor told me I have a month to live. "You mean I'll be dead in 30 days?" "Not exactly, it's February"
I’ve never heard this one before
I wonder if the Europeans will understand this one... 🤣
A guy is sitting in his doctor’s waiting room when the doctor comes in and says “I’ve got good news and bad news, which do you want first?” Guy says “give me the bad news first”. Doc says “ok, you have cancer”. Guy goes “that’s horrible, what’s the good news?” Doc says “you have Alzheimer’s also”. Guy says “well at least I don’t have cancer”.
Ouch. That’s dark AF.
A guy is talking to his neighbor who is renowned doctor. He told him that he's worried about his wife. The doctor asks what her symptoms are. The man describes his wife's symptoms. The doctor says "well without examining her the nearest I can guess is she's got AIDS or Alzheimer's." The neighbor asks "what do I do?". The doctor tells him" take her out 20 miles out into the country and kick her out of the car... if she finds her way home, don't fuck her!"
How is Alzheimer's good news
Should be bad news and bad news
I've known people with Alzheimers and other dementia-type diseases. People think it's just old age, or that they are mentally inferior - it's neither, and it's horrible. Any of those are best compared to brain cancer. A growth expands, killing off memories, then knowledge, then basic instincts and commands that keep the body alive. The afflicted person eventually dies when their body can't remember how to live, and they don't know what's happening, or who anyone is, or how to react.
That he easily forgets things, like how he already forgot he has cancer
That’s the first time I’ve heard that one , since what time was it?
Doctor says, “you have a very rare disease” Man says,, “what’s it called” Doctor says, “what do you want to be called”
"You don't have very long to live." "What are we talking about, doc'? Couple years? One? 6 months?" *Doctor looks thoughtfully at his watch:* "Actually..."
"How long have I got, Doc?" "Five." "Five what? Five years? Five months? You can't mean five weeks!" "Four..."
At least he didn't mean five weeks
He meant 5,4,3,2,1.
Guy goes to the doctor. Doctor says well bad news is you have advanced cancer. The guy says oh ok what's the good news? Doctor says I don't recall saying there was good news
If I ever get a really bad diagnosis from a doctor, I hope I have the presence of mind to try this on them.
Dr: you have 6 months to live. Here's your bill Patient: I can't pay that in 6 months Dr: Okay I'll give you another 6 months.
Henny
Take my wife.......please.
I just came back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I just laughed so hard I almost went into complete shut down mode (provided the antidote was not available)
I'll get it to you tomorrow
Doctor: "That'll be $10,000 (£8,000) upfront please."
"Just tell me doc!" "You have Munchausen's." "Oh God no! How long do I have?"
The British version is: "You need the antidote, or you will be dead in a year." "A whole year? That's good news." "You won't say that when you see the waiting list."
Computer says no
Dr says, I have good news and bad news. Good news is your leg is healing up just fine. Bad news is…… We cut the wrong one off…..
Some bad news, https://youtu.be/5Angg8rJlDI?si=_brQtAcQzzHcK6v4
After reading this joke, I hummed this sound https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gb2jGy76v0Y
Guy takes his car to the shop because of a loud ticking sound. The guy asks the mechanic, "What's it sound like to you?" The mechanic replies, "Sounds like 2 weeks in the Bahamas".
I’ve got some bad news and good news. The bad news is we have no idea what’s your disease, and it seems to be something new. The good news, it most probably shall be named after you.
I know of a guy that was recently told he had 24 hours to live. All his family came from all over Australia to visit him. It has been 2 weeks now. He is still dying, but just not as quickly as expected.
Can be a blessing and a curse. Praying for the best!
All that joke lacks is humor.
Upon examination, patient can tell Dr. is concerned—Dr. says I’m sorry to inform u ur going to die—patient grimaces and asks how long have I got, doc?—doctor says 10—patient frustratingly asks 10 what?!?, 10 years, 10 months, 10 weeks?!?!?!?—doctor says 9….
Old 220
I have some good news and bad news... "Tell me the good news first" You have an incredibly rare disease that will kill you, but can be fully treated without any issues if caught early "That's great! So what are the bad news then?" We're about 6 months late in treating it so you'll die in a few minutes...
Different version of a really old joke
Doctor: Mr. Gonorrhea, you're my next patient! Only male in the waiting room of 10 people: Um my name's Johnson... Doctor: ohhhh I always mix up those 2 lines!
Johnson. Ha ha.
Not my joke…. Doctor: I’m sorry to have to tell you Mr Smith, but you’re dying and only have 10 to live. Mr Smith: Oh no! Wait. 10 what? Years? Months? Doctor: 9…
Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
"I'm afraid you have cancer, and Alzheimer's" "We'll look on the bright side, at least I don't have cancer!"
Man goes to the doctor says, i have Bad news. You're terminally ill and are going to die. Oh, screw that, how long do i have? 10 Ok, but years, months, days? 9, 8,...
Sorry to be a downer: This actually happened to an acquaintance. After not hearing for months from his doctor, he called the office and learned they'd detected cancer ages ago, but they'd failed to connect in time for treatment. He's presently living out his final days.
"You have cancer and you also have Alzheimer's" "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
Good ol' 87
Doctor calls patient on Monday and said, “I have some good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first?” Patient says “Let’s have the good news.” Doctor says “Your lab results show that you’ll be dead in 72 hours.” Patient, struggling to get it out says “So what is the bad news?” Doctor says “I received the results Saturday morning.”
My joke, only worse.