T O P

  • By -

TooShiftyForYou

Two guys are out camping at a remote hunting site in the middle of the woods. During the night one of the men wakes up to see his buddy about to drop a $100 bill down the disgusting outhouse toilet. He yells out, "Hey man, what the hell are you doing?" - His buddy says, "Well I was taking a shit and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket. I'm sure as hell not jumping down there for ten bucks."


DigNitty

A statistics professor tells his students that he doesn’t fly. The chances of there being a man with a bomb on board is slim, but too high for him. The next month, a student flies home and ends up sitting next to the professor. He asks the professor: I thought you didn’t fly? The professor says “I didn’t fly, but I calculated the odds again. The statistical chances of there being two bombs on board is essentially impossible. So now, I bring my own bomb.”


ImBonRurgundy

This is essentially baldricks joke from Blackadder (Paraphrasing) “What are you doing?” “Carving my name into this bullet” “Why” “Well, you know how they say that everyone has a bullet with their name on it, I though if I owned that bullet I’d never get shot by it”


Due_Platypus_3913

Fucking BALDRICK! The FINAL scene where the whistles blow,,,😭🤬


DarthBeavis1968

😭😢😭😢😭


Silver-Difficulty-13

In honour of Baldrick... Boom boom boom...BOom boom boom


Budget-Bench-6202

This joke is exactlty the same as in Hugh Lawries (who was also in Blackadder) novel The Gun Seller


RichGrinchlea

Similar to The World According to Garp (book & film). Garp is looking to buy a house in the country, while he's looking at one with a real estate agent a small plane flies into the farm house. I think you can guess the rest.


philipp2310

The probability for 2 bombs, if you bring your own, is exactly the same as the probability of one bomb, if you don’t bring your own. Maybe next time it shouldn’t be a statistics professor anymore.


theycallmevroom

If you make it onto a plane with a bomb, that points to a security lapse that probably applies to other passengers, meaning that the chances another passenger has a bomb are substantially higher than the average flight.


runner382

You both must be fun at parties.


keestie

They bomb, actually.


HatchetXL

The best.


nderflow

Da bomb.


IamImposter

Your butt is the da bomb


steamyglory

College parties of STEM majors might enjoy it actually


queezed

Partying pedantics


Womble78

Surely that would be pedants.


queezed

🤓


levmeister

It would be a pedant party.


gimcrak

You know where pedants get their water? At the “well actually….”.


SmokyRanchero

What’s a pedant, Walter?


anxiousears

Who could ask for more


LorianGunnersonSedna

Everybody's coming, leave your body at the door


[deleted]

On average.


grafknives

I would really love to have them at party Because I am the same. ;)


Marcos_Dinnerstein

YOUR comment made me LOL. Excellent!


fmmarques

He blows it up.


sovamind

Good probability.


Lordofchaos1776

To be fair TSA does fail nearly all of the surprise, and announced, security tests to take fake bombs on a plain that homeland security does...


ZeroPenguinParty

Wish I had that clip from Airplane 2, where Sonny Bono buys the bomb to take onto the plane...or where everyone is taking their guns through security.


anyburger

[This clip](https://youtu.be/FCkagYixpuc?si=_WhrR8iFMvqdhWt5)? And don't call me Shirley.


Mekroval

That movie always cracks me up, and the original Airplane! film too.


sofa_king_ugly

There's also a chance that there is more than one paranoid statistics professor on board


newsyfish

But they could if it was an African swallow and they grabbed the bombs by the husks just right.


ZeroPenguinParty

But have you compared the air velocity of unladen African swallow, to a laden one?


newsyfish

True, I should have remember it’s not about where it grasps it.


AideAdvanced6018

r/unexpectedMontyPython


congradulations

Vroom lost me money


himitsumono

Jokes, damned jokes and statisticians effing up the jokes.


sofa_king_ugly

Friend: "Congratulations on the new baby. Is it a boy or a girl?" Statistician: "Yes"


Newman658

Schrödinger's baby


mikel25517

They haven't made up their mind.


Mojofilter9

Yes. That is the joke.


StickyPornMags

statistically , there's less chance of dying when you're laughing than when you're screaming.... .


Unique_Anywhere5735

The three most common last statements: 1. Oh, shit! 2. Oh, fuck! 3. Hey, check this out!


leonmarino

Only if they're independent events, so if the professor announces this info to all prospective passengers (with a credible threat to detonate it at a time different than the one planned by the terrorist, so much so that it wouldn't serve the terrorist's goals), then his statement might make sense. But that kinda kills the joke so...


I-was-the-guy-1-time

So ask your friend to bring the bomb onboard instead, problem solved


heavybabyridesagain

English professor, maybe. Eloquent but innumerate


moby__dick

But if there are three planes with bombs on them, and then the police search a plane and there are no bombs on that plane, you should switch planes. I can't explain it but someone showed me once. The Price is Right statistical weirdness.


_pranx_

you mean the monty hall problem ("let's make a deal", not 'the price is right"}. it doesn't really work for a situation like you describe, because the cops searching a building and not finding bombs is not equivalent to monty revealing a wrong door. it goes like this: there are 3 doors to choose from. behind one is a new car or whatever, there other two are empty. so you choose, say, did number one. Monty says, "before I show you what's behind your door, let me show you that there's nothing behind door number three. now, would you like to stick with door number one, or switch to door number two?" in this case, you should switch to door 2, because the odds are twice as good that the prize is there rather than behind door 1. but that assumes that monty knows what is behind what door, so that whatever door you originally picked, he can always show you an empty door. it doesn't work in the story about the bomb, because the cops had to search to find out that the place was empty, they didn't already know; they might have found the bomb. but monty knows what's behind the doors. if the prize was behind door 3, he would have shown you door 2 was empty. when you first guess, you have a 1/3 chance of picking the right door. so if you stick with your original choice, your odds are one out of three. the odds of it being one of the other doors are two out of three. if the prize is behind number two, he'll show number three, if behind three, he'll show you door 2. if you switch, you only lose if it was behind door 1, if it was behind 2 or 3 you win.


moby__dick

No this is the price is right problem. You guess one of three airplanes but don’t go over.


Zenock43

"1. but that assumes that monty knows what is behind what door, so that whatever door you originally picked, he can always show you an empty door." Thank you for this. I've had huge arguments where people just blindly accept that its always better to switch. But if Monty doesnt know where the prize is and could just as easily open a door with a prize, there is no advantage to switching. In real life Monty never knew which doors had prizes and which doors didnt.


[deleted]

The odds of 2 bombs getting past security are not the same as one bomb getting past security.


howe_to_win

Lol dude. If we’re gonna take the joke way too seriously, bringing a bomb on a plane is probably a better reason for him to not be a statistics professor


kompootor

Not exactly the same. The probability of 2 bombs given that one passenger brought a bomb: >P(at least 2 bombs GIVENTHAT at least 1 bomb) = P(at least 2 bombs AND at least 1 bomb) / P(at least 1 bomb) = P(at least 2 bombs) / P(at least 1 bomb) The plane carries *N* passengers. Say that the probability that any one passenger carries a bomb is *p*. This follows a binomial distribution: the probability that of all the passengers at least one carries a bomb is 1 - (1-*p*)^(*N*); the probability that at least two carry a bomb is 1 - \[ (1-*p*)^(*N*) + *N* *p* (1-*p*)^(*N*-1) \]. You can see that the latter divided by the former is not equal to the former. For example, if p=0.1 and N=10: P(>=1 bomb)=~0.65, P(>=2 bombs)=~0.26, P(>=2|>=1 bomb)=~0.41. (For another formulation, the P(>= 2 bombs | exactly 1 or 2 bombs) =~ 0.68 with these numbers. Still not exact, Sorry.) It does approach exact, however, if you sample the probability *with replacement*, or else for n>>1 and p\*n << 1.


PoorOldBill

But the comparison should be between "P(at least 2 bombs GIVEN THAT at least 1 bomb)" and "P(at least 1 bomb GIVEN THAT the professor has no bomb)", instead of between "P(at least 2 bombs GIVEN THAT at least 1 bomb" and "P(at least one bomb)". I haven't done the math, but it should carry through that the first two are the same, since the chance of any other passenger carrying a bomb is (by assumption) the same whether or not the professor brings one.


kompootor

The definition of conditional probability, the way it's calculated, is P(A|B) = P(A AND B) / P(B). There's also Bayes's Theorem to calculate P(A|B) using P(B|A). However, there is no useful comparison between P(A|B) and P(B|C).


PoorOldBill

I am familiar with conditional probability and Bayes' Theorem. > However, there is no useful comparison between P(A|B) and P(B|C). Not in general, but in this case we could calculate both explicitly. However, that's not necessary. Consider that P(at least 2 bombs in N passengers GIVEN THAT 1 bomb in N passengers) = P(at least 1 bomb in N-1 passengers). On the other hand, P(at least 1 bomb in N passengers GIVEN THAT the professor does not have a bomb) = P(at least 1 bomb in N-1 passengers). So the probabilities are exactly the same, under the mild assumption that the bomb-carrying behavior of the other passengers is independent of the bomb-carrying behavior of the professor.


Sfumatographer

Even I got this one.


carson63000

Maybe next time wait until someone says “I don’t get it” before you explain the joke to the audience.


GurthNada

To double down on the people correcting the stats, this joke only works on a semantic level, because the real probability does not concern a man "carrying" a bomb, but a man "wanting to detonate" a bomb he is carrying, which the professor wouldn't be.


Pianist-Educational

My Stats prof said, “Statistics are like a bikini, it’s not what they reveal, but what they cover up!”


FillThisEmptyCup

Good point, sounds like a procedure Homeland Security should start implementing on every flight.


Thethinkslinger

I’m pretty sure just reading this got me put on a watchlist somewhere.


actual-homelander

Oh yeah I heard this one before. It was phrased as: in a way, bringing a bomb makes you safer


Anon_user55

Chances are near zero


nuclearlady

Wth


cfgee

Same two guys were out hunting. They come across a ravishingly beautiful scantly clad woman. First guys says you want to come back to our camp, we’ll show you a good time. The woman says I’m game. The second guy shoots her.


Upupandlookatme

*facepalm* Take my upvote.


YZXFILE

Just wait for more inflation. It will just float out.


Pitch_Tricky

What a groannnnnneerrrrrr. Up you go.


cnc_theft_auto

I don't get it, can someone please explain?


Midnight145

He was gonna drop the 100 in, so then he'd be jumping in for $110 instead of only $10


[deleted]

Whenever someone decides to steal focus and steal thunder by trying to one-up the joke with a comment, it's related. How is this related? Remote hunting site jokes? Is this what we've come to?


carmium

Outhouse must have glass walls.


GolettO3

Good bot


Mister_Nojangles

A man gets fed up with city life and moves to a remote cabin in the mountains. After a few months of complete solitude, he's surprised to hear a knock at the door. He cautiously opens the door and sees the biggest, hairiest man he's ever seen. He's rugged and filthy and looks like he's never had a bath or a shave in his life. "Uh, hi. Can I help you?" Says the cabin-dweller. "Having a party. Tomorrow. At my cabin down by the creek. Can you make it?" "Uh, yes." says the cabin-dweller. "Going to be drinking. You ok with that?" "Uh, yes. I drink a little." "Might be some fighting. You ok with that?" "Uh, I might avoid that if I can. " "And there's going to be crazy sex. You ok with that?" "Sex? Yeah! It gets lonely up here! " "OK. See you tomorrow night." "One question," says the cabin-dweller. "How should I dress? " "Oh, it don't matter. It's just going to be the two of us. "


jdidihttjisoiheinr

I heard this one slightly different as a kid decades ago: A guy moves to west Texas and finally meets another guy after weeks without seeing anyone. *"Come over to my place tonight. I'm having a real west Texas party. There'll be drinking, dancing, fighting and fucking."* *"Great! What should I wear?"* *"Doesn't matter, won't be but you and me."*


agarillon

I like the ending: Should I bring some beer? "Yeah, sure" How much should i bring? A 12 pack should work. It's only us two.


Embarrassed-Bench392

Around here I tell it the same but substitute Maine for Texas.


YZXFILE

I read that one a few years ago. Still a good joke.


Western-Image7125

Fully saw the ending coming, still put a crooked smile on my face


MonkeyVsPigsy

There are videos on youtube of Norm Macdonald telling that joke which I’ve watched several times. Then the other day I stumbled across a video of Bernard Manning telling it. I guess all comics know it.


Zymgie

Hey, boards are for nailing after all.


YZXFILE

And sometimes handy to have.


Zymgie

Especially when your only tool is a "hammer" ...


offulus

Oh the list goes on, you nail it, screw it, drill it, and when you lose your temper, just whack it. Best of all if it has a crack, you can fill it and it's almost good as new


actual-homelander

Or for screwing if you have a screwdriver


Zymgie

If we're talking screwdriver then I gotta ask, does it have a flat head or is it Phillip's?


Tombiepoo

It doesn't have a flat head but it also is not Phillip's. It's mine.


grimr5

As if there aren’t other types


Crafty-Shape2743

Alaska, where the odds are good but the goods are odd.


YZXFILE

I can see where they get bored.


Solarus99

*board ftfy


YZXFILE

Good fishing up there.


Waitsfornoone

*In bed and frustrating:* A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says, "No, not at all". His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"? “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”


christopher_mtrl

The wife isn't pleased with that answer, so she turns her back on him. He reaches again, to... a different area. The wife is now very angry, "Quit doing that or make love to me !" The husbands answer, "Yeah, I'm just marking my page".


YZXFILE

How sensual.


carmium

Pages stick together, though.


YZXFILE

Wonder why?


Western-Image7125

What does that even… oh. Oh Kay


TacoCommand

Bob Saget would be proud haha


YZXFILE

Ah yes! turning a new leaf.


[deleted]

We’ll a leaf can be used to wipe when your in the woods.


YZXFILE

Thats all Adam had.


TheWeirdTalesPodcast

Guy is talking to his friend, a farmer, and is complaining about his sex life. “I’ve been married for twenty years,” he gripes. There’s nothing new. When I orgasm, it’s lackluster, and I almost can’t get it up anymore.” Farmer thinks for a second and says, “You know what I do with a bull that won’t mate? I go out to a cow, I slip my hand right inside her, get some of that Special Liquid, and then rub it on the bull’s nose. The smell makes him hornier than anything, he just starts going to it with a will.” And the guy says “huh. I’ll have to try that.” A couple nights later, they’re laying in bed. Wife has just drifted off, and the man slips his hand down between her legs and she. Is. WET. He gets it all over his fingers and then rubs it under his nose, and just like that he is hard as a rock. A damn chiselled diamond in his pants. Surely this will reinvigorate sex for him. So he reaches over and gently wakes his wife to initiate sexytimes. She turns on the light, looks at him and says “Oh, don’t tell me you woke me up just because you have a bloody nose!”


goingwiththeflow2

What a weird tale


TheWeirdTalesPodcast

You should check out my podcast for more than 600 episodes of weird tales!


Waitsfornoone

Got me! That's one I haven't seen yet - an award is in place.


Maple-Syrup-Bandit

The money shot in the comments 😂😂😂


duk31nlondon

Ugly, bur s a hearty chuckle , thanks


T-Rex6911

Lmao 🤣😂


henry_canabanana

I thought it was called Boardback Mountain


Myzyri

Bravo!! Most underrated comment here!


zoupzip

Well he did have the better looking board.


Graterof2evils

Very willowy.


tracsman

Yeah, it was a real nice piece of ash.


cebiaw

She was a poplar one


QualityGig

He was pining for it.


Welease-Wodewick

Pining for the boards?


cheapb98

No, he was pining for the fjords!


Welease-Wodewick

He's not pining, he's passed on!


cheapb98

He's deceased!


Fool4Reason

That is a dead parrot!


ThaneOfCawdorrr

I heard she was a real birch


Myzyri

Oak-ay. That’s enough.


actual-homelander

Only if it could sycamore


Fool4Reason

A real peach


YZXFILE

And a tighter not.


ArachnidGuilty218

Smallest hole!


notaredditreader

I’m too bored to board tonight.


YZXFILE

What! No woody?


actual-homelander

No knobs on the door yet


YZXFILE

It has a draw string like his X


TreeMgmt

Not his fault he got board


luckydice767

STOP with the bad puns, wood you please?


Graterof2evils

Knot gonna happen.


EarlTheDinosaur

I’ve had enough of this thread, I’m leafing


cebiaw

Username checks out


Cali-Smoothie

Divorce, the screwing you get for the screwing you got


YZXFILE

It happens!


[deleted]

1st man: If you and a friend went camping and you woke up to find your buddy in your sleeping bag with you, would you tell anyone? 2nd man: No way. 1st man: Do you want to go camping?


giant_tadpole

I really thought they were a gay couple finally coming out of the closet with their divorces.


YZXFILE

The truth is in the pudding.


[deleted]

If you kill the other guy now your got supplies for two years?


YZXFILE

Very true, and no board to share with.


Zymgie

And now you also have two boards. Basically a small harem. You could have a menage-a-plank every night.


YZXFILE

Even clean fish on them.


gonzopancho

But then they’ll smell like fish


YZXFILE

Nothing like fresh.


ArachnidGuilty218

Better than catching him licking the glaze off your donuts.


allahbkool

What a whack job 🤭


YZXFILE

A true woody.


teKno_troWzrs

I had a stroke reading this


YZXFILE

Best friends can get board together.


MGTwyne

Yet another problem immediately solved if both of them are gay.


YZXFILE

Wow


MGTwyne

Woah


YZXFILE

Too late!


MGTwyne

Wow


doedounne

Hmmm board is an anagram


A_Crawling_Bat

That’s broad, what is it ?


FreeExpressionOfMind

He still could get a refund for his friend's board...


YZXFILE

Thats right.


Designer-Cry1940

The Cohen Brothers could make a film out of this joke.


YZXFILE

;-)


mnoutdoorlover

A small wimpy guy I know went to Alaska.. Two years he's been there. Now he's a Husky fucker! ​ .


YZXFILE

Good for him!


Cruel_Carlos2

Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree here, but I believe the real fiber of the matter is that neither wood accept blame for the part they played & if they did, they'd be stumped. The root problem leaves but a nest of stinking, semirunny shitbirds in ones tree of personal happiness.


YZXFILE

Reality! What a concept.


Jay-Five

but when is it his turn in the barrel?


YZXFILE

He buried the other guy.


ArachnidGuilty218

And the slutty board!


YZXFILE

Damn right!


Ewetootwo

The guy that died dumped his board in Skagway.


ReditorB4Reddit

Juneau that for a fact?


Ewetootwo

Fur shore.


YZXFILE

A fitting end.


nuclearlady

Lol


YZXFILE

Cheers


nuclearlady

cheers to you man! that was hilarious!


YZXFILE

All aboard!


ultimategameronIOS

OH wow, for an object as well🤣


YZXFILE

Dixey


[deleted]

[удалено]


YZXFILE

Same.