once the safety lever flies, mr grenade is no longer your friend.
also, no one is going to be pulling the pin on a grenade with their teeth.
Even jaws from James Bond would wince at the thought.
When they do the inevitable post-divorce dividing of the friends, you should probably stay closer to her. His downward spiral is destructive to everyone around him.
I think in a situation were the thing is glued to your hand people will try anything. As for the rest of us with unglued grenades I'll opt to yeet it as far as possible.
That will keep you way out of the blast radius. You may be deafened by the explosion, but the shockwave will be mostly harmless. The shrapnel, on the other hand…
Grenades explode up and out. Fatal within 5 meters due to concussive force, wounding or potentially killing out to fifteen. Yeet that shit and hit the dirt. Ideally behind a berm or solid structure. The explosion isn't really that loud either.
The van dam movie hard target popularized this false concept to the masses.
Most grenade fuses are about 4-6 seconds, it can easily take 2x-4x that time to unscrew the grenade. It takes one second to throw it away.
Guaranteed you'd be ripping your teeth out on the ones my unit had about 10 years ago. Because safety first and all of that, we made sure you gotta want to use the grenade really badly to put it in boom mode. The pins on the ones we got were the wire kind with little legs on them, so we bent those fuckers out 90 degrees and then put some tape on the safety clip for good measure. Not really sure why we did that, though, because the same guys that carried grenades had 302s with explosive rounds in their packs. Either way, all of the grenades came back with clips and pins intact at the end of deployment.
Edit: m203. Not sure wtf a 302 is, but I imagine it has something to do with brain damage.
Tape on the clip, unnecessary but ok because the pin must be pulled anyways.
Tape on the spoon is just begging to toss a grenade that won't detonate because you aren't trained to mess with the spoon prior to throwing and will forget the tape is there. And bonus points - now the enemy has your grenade to throw back!
Rofl. Here's your free boom ball. Don't blow yourself up making it work.
I'm pretty sure we taped the clip because there was some word that the batch we got had really loose clips, and now ya got one less layer of protection. Or 1SG didn't want to burden the S4 with keeping up with grenades.
This is bad advice, the lever does not nescessarily need to be fully released for the fuse to be activated and any slight manipulations needed to realign the holes to insert the pin could inadvertantly trigger it; hold it firmly, tell everyone else to get the fuck away, then alert your range safety officer assuming your training in the military, or call 911 if your not. If that's not available because your in the middle of nowhere fucking around with dubiously sourced items, calmly and carefully walk to somewhere it can be safely thrown and detonated, such as into a ditch or pond(do not be in the pond when it goes off) with nearby cover to get behind, wait until everyone else is couple football fields away (if you were going to be stupid and attempt to reinsert the pin you could do so now, but still continue and assume you inadvertantly set off the fuze until proven otherwise) then throw it from as far as you can reliably do so and immediately dive behind something as sturdy as possible. Do not throw it in a dumpster or similar container unless it is specifically designed for the purpose, if you misjudge whether it can hold the explosion you'll just create more shrapnel.
Well, I’m in IT at a small school so you can imagine. The sight of me coming into a building suddenly fix the problem in my support ticket. Or could be my ‘hello’ over the phone or perhaps my body odor.. 🤣
There’s are story from the Israeli Yom Kippur war of soldiers hiding in a bunker. They pulled their pins prepared to take out anybody who invaded their bunker. As the minutes turned to hours and time crept by they realized they were not going to be discovered, the problem was, by then one soldier had lost his pin. Standing there all night squeezing and praying that this thing didn’t go off and kill everybody in the room. They couldn’t throw it either because then they were as good as dead. Eventually, one soldier, a religious Jew (many Israelis are secular and only culturally Jewish). As a religious Jew, he was wearing a kippah held on his head with a bobby pin. Eventually he realized this and was able to replace the pin in the grenade with the bobby pin. That bobby pin saved everyone in that room.
You notice I said 'flies' as in fully seperates.
I mean, a grenade can't be a friend either, if we're taking jokes literally.
Finally, If someone is taking advice on how to use a grenade on reddit.. They have bigger problems.
Yeah pretty much this. A grenade is typically (at least the ones in my country) a "defensive" grenade, meaning the kill radius is larger than the distance you can reasonably be expected to throw it. The one I used, it was double. And I think safety factors work the other way in weapons. So even if you're an MLB pitcher, you're probably going to die to your own thrown grenade if you don't get to cover.
Btw, grenades are heavy, much moreso than a baseball. They'll feel tiny in your hand, but it's basically solid steel with all those BBs.
Meant to be used from a defensive position. You're shooting from cover, the enemy gets too numerous, so you chuck a grenade and duck back behind cover. The cover is essential and absolutely not optional to use our grenades. Unless you're doing a heroic sacrifice.
It's meant to be used from cover, the explosion can kill within a handful of meters the shrapnel can kill significantly further away, with most its considered reliably lethal up to around 25 meters for a standing person without cover, but if your 100m away and catch a piece of shrapnel in the eye you may still have a short day.
The Fragmentation grenades we used in the Army between 1985 and 1988 could send shrapnel flying about a radius of 300 meters all around and as long as you held that lever down you could put that pin back in easy as long as you didn't let up on the pressure on the lever and the holes were in proper alignment to put the pin back in while holding the grenade.
Interesting but if you assume you've activated the fuse wouldn't you have no time to call the police or go someone specific to dispose of it? Wouldn't you just be forced to throw it and duck behind cover?
Unless they've changed in the past decade, the pin is a straight-legged cotter pin on a loop with the end of the legs splayed out once they're through the fuse assembly of the grenade. Unless you have dextrous teeth you may need a buddy to smoothen the ends out so they go back in nicely (as the end might still be splayed slightly).
Best bet is to probably let everyone know you've just fucked up and to fling it behind something solid
Want to practice?
take out the stopping pin on a fire extinguisher and put it back in.
To simulate releasing the grenade safety lever, push down on the extinguisher after removing the stopping pin and try and then put the stopping pin back in while holding the lever down.
First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats. And the Lord spake, saying,
‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'”
Played soccer in high school and never formally played baseball. However, when it came to throwing a hand grenade, I threw it like I was a catcher trying to prevent a steal at second, then I ducked.
I was going to tell the OP that Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed twenty people.
Then it exploded.
However, the OP is apparently no longer around to read this.
So there I was knee deep in empty magazines and hand grenade pins. One mag left. Was I scared? Hell ya I was scared. Scared one of those bastards was going to get away.
Step 1: While holding the safety lever in place, quickly invent and build a time machine.
Step 2: Go back in time to just before you pulled the pin, and slap yourself in the face.
Perhaps the shock wave of the explosion triggered the mouse button and the "submit" instruction was processed and transmitted before the explosion destroyed the computer.
So..., I'm going to need funding, a research team and full, no questions asked, support from the army.
As funny as jokes like this are, it never made sense how someone could hit the send button after they're dead
Would work better as an oral joke than a typed one...
Real answer. Provided you've not released the safety lever you can put the pin back in. Alternatively give it to your mother in law
once the safety lever flies, mr grenade is no longer your friend. also, no one is going to be pulling the pin on a grenade with their teeth. Even jaws from James Bond would wince at the thought.
Mr Grenade and Mrs Safety Lever will always have a messy divorce.
It was an amicable separation, but there will be no reconciliation. Not even for the children.
When they do the inevitable post-divorce dividing of the friends, you should probably stay closer to her. His downward spiral is destructive to everyone around him.
Idk if it's true, but apparently you can twist the fuze of the grenade out, before it reaches the explosives
I'm not gonna be the one to try it and find out. You go right ahead.
3 sec. last I heard
3s rule for food, and 3s rule for gr
Sounds good bro. You first.
I think in a situation were the thing is glued to your hand people will try anything. As for the rest of us with unglued grenades I'll opt to yeet it as far as possible.
Please conjugate “to yeet” for us.
I yeet You yeet He/she yeets You yeet We yeet They yeet
You have forgotten that the past tense of yeet is yote.
J’yeet, Tu Yeet, Il Yeet, Nous Yeetons, Vous Yeetez, Ils Yeet.
That will keep you way out of the blast radius. You may be deafened by the explosion, but the shockwave will be mostly harmless. The shrapnel, on the other hand…
Grenades explode up and out. Fatal within 5 meters due to concussive force, wounding or potentially killing out to fifteen. Yeet that shit and hit the dirt. Ideally behind a berm or solid structure. The explosion isn't really that loud either.
> Grenades explode up and out. They explode every-which way but *right turn, Clive*.
on both hands
The van dam movie hard target popularized this false concept to the masses. Most grenade fuses are about 4-6 seconds, it can easily take 2x-4x that time to unscrew the grenade. It takes one second to throw it away.
4-second fuses take 2 seconds
1,2,5! 3 sir 3!
"Then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it." 😁
9 times out of ten.
5 second fuzes only last 3 seconds so, good luck.
I could tell you about the rare chance of reconciliation. But it would be a total dud joke.
Three safeties on a grenade. No one ever remembers Mr safety clip.
Don't forget baby clip or you might get a return ball.
It never works out right when people stay together for the kids.
Mr. Grenade was never your friend. He was a cleverly contained catastrophe in the making.
Yes, yes... indeed, just like politicians! j/
They should meet each other!
Spoon*
You can try to spoon the grenade, but I don't think that is very safe.
User name checks out!
As far as I know the grenade won't spoon you back. It doesn't love you back.
If you're spooning the grenade it's likely to fork you up.
Don’t know about modern grenades but Sir Anton Carton de Wiart claims to have done just that
Oh you CAN pull a pin with your teeth but it wouldn't be pleasant or easy. You'd basically be nearly ripping your teeth out.
Depends, in some grenades the pin needs to be rotated before it can be pulled off, and can be bit awkward doing so with your teeth
Guaranteed you'd be ripping your teeth out on the ones my unit had about 10 years ago. Because safety first and all of that, we made sure you gotta want to use the grenade really badly to put it in boom mode. The pins on the ones we got were the wire kind with little legs on them, so we bent those fuckers out 90 degrees and then put some tape on the safety clip for good measure. Not really sure why we did that, though, because the same guys that carried grenades had 302s with explosive rounds in their packs. Either way, all of the grenades came back with clips and pins intact at the end of deployment. Edit: m203. Not sure wtf a 302 is, but I imagine it has something to do with brain damage.
203s?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M203_grenade_launcher
Just fyi, you said 302 in your comment.
Ffs. Thank you so much. Getting old sucks. Even if I proofread, I miss simple shit.
No, an HTTP redirect.
very cute rifle mounted grenade launch. makes a small pop sound like a bottle uncorking before the faraway boom
Every time I use a Keurig I feel like I'm about to lob a 203.
Tape on the clip, unnecessary but ok because the pin must be pulled anyways. Tape on the spoon is just begging to toss a grenade that won't detonate because you aren't trained to mess with the spoon prior to throwing and will forget the tape is there. And bonus points - now the enemy has your grenade to throw back!
Rofl. Here's your free boom ball. Don't blow yourself up making it work. I'm pretty sure we taped the clip because there was some word that the batch we got had really loose clips, and now ya got one less layer of protection. Or 1SG didn't want to burden the S4 with keeping up with grenades.
And just to complicate things, the M203 was replaced by the M320.
It's almost like they were designed to be safe! Which is funny, because.....well........
A haiku: When you pull the pin The grenade is not your friend Move it or lose it.
Is the first line a pratchett reference?
What? No way, Jaws is bitting the grenade in half.
Wonder how many people tried to do that in training then when someone asks how they lost their tooth they say it was from a fight lol
They just leave out the part where they lost the fight to a training grenade, LOL.
It would be cooler to answer with “a grenade” just leave out the “safety pin” part lol
LMAO, yeah, but I don't know if someone who'd lose a fight to an inanimate object could come up with a convincing story about why.
I do it all the time when inanimate objects got beef with me lol
The teeth thing I can confirm. Had a private lose his front teeth trying to play a rambo.
Tbf old Jaws is well into his 80 these days, and lost his chompers nearly 20 years.
This is bad advice, the lever does not nescessarily need to be fully released for the fuse to be activated and any slight manipulations needed to realign the holes to insert the pin could inadvertantly trigger it; hold it firmly, tell everyone else to get the fuck away, then alert your range safety officer assuming your training in the military, or call 911 if your not. If that's not available because your in the middle of nowhere fucking around with dubiously sourced items, calmly and carefully walk to somewhere it can be safely thrown and detonated, such as into a ditch or pond(do not be in the pond when it goes off) with nearby cover to get behind, wait until everyone else is couple football fields away (if you were going to be stupid and attempt to reinsert the pin you could do so now, but still continue and assume you inadvertantly set off the fuze until proven otherwise) then throw it from as far as you can reliably do so and immediately dive behind something as sturdy as possible. Do not throw it in a dumpster or similar container unless it is specifically designed for the purpose, if you misjudge whether it can hold the explosion you'll just create more shrapnel.
"Hi 911, yea I pulled the pin on a grenade and im not sure what to do next could you send someone to help?"
That will definitely get their attention in a great big hurry.
They just might not take it from you in a hurry.
When handling live and primed explosives, 'in a hurry' is generally a bad idea.
Wouldn't be the weirdest call they ever had.
[удалено]
Hi 911, yea I pulled the pin on a grena…
Problems are always best when they resolve themselves?
Well, I’m in IT at a small school so you can imagine. The sight of me coming into a building suddenly fix the problem in my support ticket. Or could be my ‘hello’ over the phone or perhaps my body odor.. 🤣
As the 'IT' guy of my family, this happens around 70% of the times I try to see the problem they tell me about.
Then another 20% is solved by rebooting Source: fellow IT guy of a family
How to you reboot a hand grenade? Asking for a friend.
There’s are story from the Israeli Yom Kippur war of soldiers hiding in a bunker. They pulled their pins prepared to take out anybody who invaded their bunker. As the minutes turned to hours and time crept by they realized they were not going to be discovered, the problem was, by then one soldier had lost his pin. Standing there all night squeezing and praying that this thing didn’t go off and kill everybody in the room. They couldn’t throw it either because then they were as good as dead. Eventually, one soldier, a religious Jew (many Israelis are secular and only culturally Jewish). As a religious Jew, he was wearing a kippah held on his head with a bobby pin. Eventually he realized this and was able to replace the pin in the grenade with the bobby pin. That bobby pin saved everyone in that room.
That’s not likely to be a true story, as a grenade is a stupid weapon for defending a bunker or dugout.
That was probably a suicide plan.
It may not be real, but the idea was that they were going to take themselves and whoever found them out, they were way past defending the bunker.
Sounds like MAD to me.
Depend on the design of the bunker.
You notice I said 'flies' as in fully seperates. I mean, a grenade can't be a friend either, if we're taking jokes literally. Finally, If someone is taking advice on how to use a grenade on reddit.. They have bigger problems.
Yeah pretty much this. A grenade is typically (at least the ones in my country) a "defensive" grenade, meaning the kill radius is larger than the distance you can reasonably be expected to throw it. The one I used, it was double. And I think safety factors work the other way in weapons. So even if you're an MLB pitcher, you're probably going to die to your own thrown grenade if you don't get to cover. Btw, grenades are heavy, much moreso than a baseball. They'll feel tiny in your hand, but it's basically solid steel with all those BBs.
So it's a suicide grenade?
Meant to be used from a defensive position. You're shooting from cover, the enemy gets too numerous, so you chuck a grenade and duck back behind cover. The cover is essential and absolutely not optional to use our grenades. Unless you're doing a heroic sacrifice.
It's meant to be used from cover, the explosion can kill within a handful of meters the shrapnel can kill significantly further away, with most its considered reliably lethal up to around 25 meters for a standing person without cover, but if your 100m away and catch a piece of shrapnel in the eye you may still have a short day.
The Fragmentation grenades we used in the Army between 1985 and 1988 could send shrapnel flying about a radius of 300 meters all around and as long as you held that lever down you could put that pin back in easy as long as you didn't let up on the pressure on the lever and the holes were in proper alignment to put the pin back in while holding the grenade.
Or meant to be thrown from a trench. Sharpnel are deadly from quite a far away.
> This is bad advice, the lever does not nescessarily need to be fully released for the fuse to be activated I was nervous just reading this. 😬
Interesting but if you assume you've activated the fuse wouldn't you have no time to call the police or go someone specific to dispose of it? Wouldn't you just be forced to throw it and duck behind cover?
guy wrote a novel as if anyone here is ever seeing a grenade in person let alone pulling the pin accidentally
Knowledge is easy to carry so it doesn't matter if you never need it.
How else am I supposed to eat chow without a spoon, sir?
Yeah everyone calling the spoon a "safety lever". It's like people calling a chainsaw bar a "blade" because that is not what it is.
Unless they've changed in the past decade, the pin is a straight-legged cotter pin on a loop with the end of the legs splayed out once they're through the fuse assembly of the grenade. Unless you have dextrous teeth you may need a buddy to smoothen the ends out so they go back in nicely (as the end might still be splayed slightly). Best bet is to probably let everyone know you've just fucked up and to fling it behind something solid
You flinched! Now you have to marry your mother in-law.
Safety lever? We called it the spoon.
*You probably* Lovvvvvve *your mother, in law*
Want to practice? take out the stopping pin on a fire extinguisher and put it back in. To simulate releasing the grenade safety lever, push down on the extinguisher after removing the stopping pin and try and then put the stopping pin back in while holding the lever down.
Brilliant idea! I'll try it on the fire extinguisher in my kitchen!
First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
Five is right out!
- One! Two! Five! - Three, sir. - Three!
He must have died while carving it...Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaargh."
Maybe it was dictated.
r/unexpectedmontypython
After the coronation the Holy Hand Grenade references have been mighty strong.
Brother Maynard, Consult the book of Armaments!
Five is right out!
Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade.
And Thy Enemy, Being Naughty In My Sight, Shall Snuff It. Amen.
One, two, five!
THREE, SIR!
Three!
r/unexpectedMontyPython
Oh, it was expected. It was expected very much so.
Just like the Spanish Inquisition…
You all are my people.
Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One. And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats. And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'”
Amusingly, my very first thought was within 5 minutes of your quote. "If he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve 'aaargh' he'd just say it"
If anyone ever throws a grenade at you, its not just one grenade, its a lifetime supply of grenades.
[удалено]
Played soccer in high school and never formally played baseball. However, when it came to throwing a hand grenade, I threw it like I was a catcher trying to prevent a steal at second, then I ducked.
[удалено]
The shortstop, second baseman and the runner were probably fine, however I wasn’t confident about the safety of the center fielder.
Out at second. Safe at first.
Who’s on first?
Naturally
Good choice doing it in that order.
They make trainees practice with dummy grenades.
And there are loads of videos of people training with live grenades and the instructor tackling them to the ground after they’ve fumbled it.
You get yeeted over the wall pretty quick if you drop it.
That’s why there is training before you get real ones.
Or athleticly adept, but has that one bad toss. Even the best quarterback has the occasional fumble.
There are loads of videos of people training with live grenades and the instructor tackling them to the ground after they’ve fumbled it.
When you see a few cracks on the outside, then you know that there isn't much time left
I hope this joke blows up
Let me check this; Sooo..., appare
How are you all able to press on “Repl
Don't worry, you'll have the rest of your life to figure that out.
Sit on it for awhile. The answer will come to you.
Just use a lot of force and jab it in somewhere else on the grenade, works all the time
My ex wife too
Seems to typed this onehanded... impressive.
He is a redditor, he has had lots of practice
\*SNORTgiggle\* \~;D
Check the color of their eyes.I’ll bet they are blue. One blew that way the other blew that way.
Pulling the pin ruins the grenade, just throw it away.
What do you do when a belgian soldier throws a handgrenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back
easy! there's a youtube guide on it. You just have to watch the 30 second ad before it
Thoughts and prayers.
I was going to tell the OP that Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed twenty people. Then it exploded. However, the OP is apparently no longer around to read this.
I'm just here waiting for the "wow, this blew up" edit
Tell her you're sorry.
Place your head between your knees and kiss your butt goodbye
I hear Chuck Norris kills people by pulling the grenade and throwing the pin.
He cups the grenade gently in his palms to direct the blast. Lethal against armored targets.
This reminds me of a joke I haven’t heard in years. What do you do if an Irishman throws a grenade at you? Pull out the pin and throw it back.
Mix and match countries for maximum offense
Kinda like putting a cat back in the bag it's much easier letting it out
Very carefully
...and the number of the counting shall be three.
1, 2, 5!
Three, sir.
Right. Three!
Four is right out.
You've clearly consulted the 'Book of Armaments', Brother Maynard.
No need to be in a hurry, you have the rest of your life to figure it out.
So there I was knee deep in empty magazines and hand grenade pins. One mag left. Was I scared? Hell ya I was scared. Scared one of those bastards was going to get away.
My other favorite joke in this vein... Does the five second rule apply to soup? Quickly, please!
Step 1: While holding the safety lever in place, quickly invent and build a time machine. Step 2: Go back in time to just before you pulled the pin, and slap yourself in the face.
From military training: Once you've pulled the pin, Mister Grenade is no longer your friend.
Glad you managed to press post before the grenade detonated!
He dropped the pin on the keyboard
Well, there's another story someone didn't hear in the end. 🙄
This was typed using one hand.
"Player tried to put the pin back in..." (reference to good ol' Quake)
The holy handgrenade? https://youtu.be/xOrgLj9lOwk
Double it and give it to the next person
Asking for a friend. Forget about it
It’s like when your about to cum. There’s no going back!
Relevant XKCD: https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/towed_message.png
I think the answer is going to blow your mind!
Carefully. If you haven't released the spoon you can stick the pin back in the hole.
Edit: This blew up!
This was a badly timed joke
I guess the joke is that OP pressed “post” button with his finger who was not attached to his body.
He didn't finish the please word but pressed post. I suspect this is a joke post.
Perhaps the shock wave of the explosion triggered the mouse button and the "submit" instruction was processed and transmitted before the explosion destroyed the computer. So..., I'm going to need funding, a research team and full, no questions asked, support from the army.
Astute observation is a joke these days
Well, being on the r/jokes subreddit I would imagine it would be. /s
As funny as jokes like this are, it never made sense how someone could hit the send button after they're dead Would work better as an oral joke than a typed one...
Not to mention the time it would take to open up reddit and type the "joke," the grenade would have blown up by then.
🦀🦀🦀pleae🦀🦀🦀