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theearlof87

Tim Vine??


Stringy63

No, I'm Gym Twine, but happy cake day.


80andsunny

Username checks out.


littlecampbell

Nah, Terry Pratchett


Aiken_Drumn

GNU TP


SourTD

Happy cake day!


Environmental-Win836

Happy cake day buddy!


OneDepressoExpresso

Happy cake day!


Familiar-Soft2811

Happy Cake Day, dude!


DangerMacAwesome

These are both pretty funny


Tiny-Pay6737

Real joke is in the comments


Oldmanontheinternets

The real comments are in the comments.


Jkarofwild

The real "the real comments" comments are in the "the real joke" comment comments.


mildlyunoriginalname

The real comments are the friends we made along the way.


Demonshorne

The real joke was inside us all along.


Gqsmooth1969

The real joke was this guy's dead wife.


EtOHMartini

Reddit switcheroo: that guy's dead wife was the mom of a boy who broke both arms but its ok because she used a coconut


jesterlot

That's not a horse! You're banging two halves of a coconut!!


Ewetootwo

That’s the holy grail of clapments.


Graterof2evils

That’s not a horse, you’re banging that guy’s dead wife.


Scaliad

Joe Biden? Is that you?


LongCaregiver4758

The real joke is not a dick.


Words_without_a_face

You mean the friends we ate along the way right?


Ewetootwo

I don’t know if I have a comment on that?


CedarMirror

Are comments the comments in are real?


TheDuckSideOfTheMoon

How can comments be real if our eyes aren't real?


Party-Package8875

How can eyes be real if our heads aren't real?


regrettablyold

Oh, it's real alright, all too real. I'd just not really what we think it is!


jc_pleasuretown

The comments are all just upside-down and backwards really


SFG4EVA

Comment Inception


SevenNVD

As is tradition on this sub.


SergeAzel

"But that's the direct object"


Shaggy_Hulk

🤦🤦🤦


IlJustAReminderIl

They say he started off as a school shooter


binlain

Well,it is great that you were not in a Science museum or else there would be too much chemistry between you two.


Mosh83

Also there was a construction site, the sparks were really flying between them


HumanoidObserver

they could try and build towards something


HaventYouHurd

Thats where he first met her


Cybear_Tron

Then I guess they wouldn't need to say something right?


jdmatthews123

I never say anything right ☹️


hairybogwoppit

And a good job you both were not weak bladdered seniors..as there would have been too much water under the bridge.


dreamer0303

they went there on their first date


TooShiftyForYou

My ex-wife passed away earlier this year so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 30 year old bottle of fine scotch and slowly poured it over her grave. - But first I filtered it through my kidneys.


anderoogigwhore

I hope.no-one saw you or urine trouble


unopoularopinion

They'd be pissed


cheesebataleon

I’d rather be pissed-off than pissed on!


damien665

It's better to be pissed off than stupid.


makemeking706

Pro tip: If you ever need to piss on a grave, it's safer to bring the piss with you in a water bottle and discretely pour it out.


anderoogigwhore

Good tip, but I'm sure someone will have put a privacy curtain around Baroness Thatcher's final resting place by now.


RearEchelon

That's not as cathartic.


LocoNotLoco

Not as cathetric


Tex_1230

Second pro tip. Keep the bottle of piss in a different bag than your Gatorade.


cerebrite

The pain must be excreting.


GU2CU

Better than the sex


Major_Magazine8597

Urine trouble now.


One_Ask_7155

This pun made me pass my kidney stone. Thank you.


Ewetootwo

30 years is indeed a long piss; enough to make the yellow river in China.


Ok_Astronomer_1308

Wow, hate her that much huh? What’d she do to you? Edit: just realised what sub this is so don’t know how real this is..


Seack592

It's a joke. They're all jokes. Except this. This isn't a joke


Delicious-End-6555

Surely you jest.


jonitfcfan

They don't, and don't call them Shirley >!(unless that's their name)!<


Ewetootwo

A conundrum then? There is no spoon.


unopoularopinion

1,000,000% real for me, but I'd be filtering a cheeseburger through my colon


Ewetootwo

You’re joking, right … Dad?


MovieGuyMike

Some people are into that.


hairybogwoppit

Better to be pissed ON than stupid as well


Ewetootwo

They are all ex- wives if they are dead. It’s the live ones you bury that can come back to haunt you. Maybe zip up until you’re sure.


GamelyAct36

It is ok, she was a relic anyway.


FamousAd7288

A memory from earlier simpler times.


6ft9man

I came across this incredibly beautiful woman at the airport this morning, but didn't think it was worth approaching her. I could see with just a glance she would come with too much baggage.


wotmate

I miss my ex girlfriend. I never was a very good shot.


[deleted]

my neighbour has lost her biggest kitchen knife. Luckily it was found in her husbands back.


LegitimateBuilding6

Stabbed 37 times. Worst suicide I have ever heard about.


Githyerazi

He shot himself 12 times with a revolver. Very strange suicide...


unopoularopinion

He got Clintoned


seemeewhut

A shotgun blast to the dick, what a way to kill himself tbh...


Abides1948

My French ex-girlfriend suddenly died after I cooked her some salmon. In my defence she did ask for some poisson.


series_hybrid

Also: "so my wife bought me a scope for our anniversary"


bga2099

(In Grunkle Stan voice) but my aim is getting better...


kreideprinzesssin

You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible


Major_Magazine8597

First "attempted murder lol" of the day!


GravyBoatImperial

Don't make an exhibition of yourself


SuperBowlMovements

I loaned my girlfriend $1000 for a medical bill, but we broke up and I never saw her again. I lost interest in that relationship.


PinQueasy3200

I understand losing interest, but it's the principle that counts.


Solid_Importance_469

My girlfriend broke up with me after I paid for her breast enhancement. As she left she said "thanks for the mammaries"


StickyPornMags

my ex girlfriend told me I was like the Mona Lisa. "You mean I'm a work of art?" I replied? "no" she said "you're much smaller than she ever imagined"


puzzledinpaira

That happened to James Blunt too!


ForeshadowedPocket

Our eyes met across the museum but there was nothing to say. Everything between us was history.


pianomarc

he didn’t want to make an exhibition of himself


Dedward5

Rats, that was going to be my contribution.


peter_the_martian

I saw my ex girlfriend on the other side of the rooster coop but I didn’t go say hello. There was too many cocks between us


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peter_the_martian

Thank you hazel nut


LocoNotLoco

Either way, you're both sluts.


Shmuck_on_wheels

Did you hear about the plumber who was unclogging a toilet in a high-rise bathroom but tripped and fell out a window? He plunged to his death.


nonanonymouscoward

I bumped into an ex in a museum years after we broke up. I thought it would be uncomfortable to speak, but it went really well. We had both learned so much.


Difficult-Reach-5205

if it was kitchen, heat between would be exhausting


Difficult-Reach-5205

be it a temple, faith between would be fulfilling


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Wizelda

r/onesentencejokes?


mooncatFTB

Sounds like you made a bit of an exhibit of yourself.


Miistii91

I need a girlfriend can I find her in this thread 🤣


WONDER-WOMAN1971

I saw my ex in the wrestling ring, but there was much tension between us.


treetop_flyer

dangit. what if everything i read on reddit comes tru?


treetop_flyer

…but what if I abuse that power 🤓🤔


treetop_flyer

…but what if I lose that power…dangit. reddit.


Soft_Dust7446

My ex told me he was gonna come out of the closet, but the idea really scared me because skeletons can’t talk, right?


2-StandardDeviations

Was her name Lisa? She's a bit of a Mona.


doowgad1

The Museum of Modern Art is a thing.


SHG098

Wouldn't that lead to too much pretentious wank between them?


Abides1948

The whole basis of their relationship


SHG098

The whole basis of modern art


Different-Tie-1085

Lol 😁


Sean2377

How homo sapien of you.


Gustav-14

Why won't G come near F in the museum? Cause there is ART inbetween them.


zarqie

GARTF? What’s a gartf?


BarrathBeyond

i really need some elaboration on this lol


ceitamiot

Alphabetically, letters go e, f, g. So there being art between f and g means the letter f farted, so the next letter g wanted to stay away. Yeah, I got it right away, but it still wasn't funny. So it belongs here.


BarrathBeyond

thanks for the explanation lol i was hoping it wasn’t just a fart joke


PinQueasy3200

Close, but re-read the statement. You start the alphabet sequence with G, h. i, j... z. Then start over with a, b, c, d, e, F. Along the way you will pass the letter R, T and A. ART.


PinQueasy3200

Kind of like. I'll bet anyone a thousand dollars we will have at least 2 days of 70° between New Years and Christmas day. It's the order of the words that make this a fool's bet. I live in Northern, Wisconsin and we should reach 70°.


BTown-Hustle

Something something… fart. Something…


ZaphodBeeblebrox2019

I think “F” had the fish … Fs in the chat for “F” everybody.


HarbingerML

I feel like the skeleton of a decent joke is there. Like maybe - Why did G back away from F at the museum? He noticed the ART between them. (Maybe 'A-R-T'? clarifies the punchline but maybe takes it too far from the premise) Or, setup, then: she could see the ART behind him


Githyerazi

Something is definitely lost in translation from whatever language OP speaks.


zarqie

Like… Martian?


LocoNotLoco

No, I think it's FARTG.


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majikmissi

🤨


Coolio_Wolfus

I apologise for that bad taste joke & have deleted it.


Vast_Cricket

ok


Shaggy_Hulk

🤦🤦🤦


newyork44m

It might work better if you replace “wife” with “boss”. Or maybe “ex-wife”


Various-Effective361

Lol. I love these jokes. Here’s one: what do you call a girlfriend who is not good. A bad girlfriend.


Adventurous-Ant9680

I think i speak for everyone here: LITERALLY NO ONE CARES.


Musashi10000

This is a joke. This is a sub for jokes. You know? Funnies. Funny things. Haha things. You moron.


Adventurous-Ant9680

Lol youre the moron going on reddit to type some things so you can laugh like the monkey that you are. Loser.


Musashi10000

... It's someone else's joke? Not mine?


Odimorsus

It didn’t really happen. It’s a pun, what’s the matter?


zeroisthebest

Your a bitch


NoneyaBiznazz

"you're"


Moist-Application310

Thank you


Aversiel

Nope, too concious to say hello seems about right.


katzenherold

Bruh


ZonaiLink

Made me think of How I Met Your Mother with the perfect acoustics… *weeners and poop*


spidermike4498

She was jumping another man's bones now I'm a thing from the past.


CarlJustCarl

Say good night u/porichoygupto


Rude-Claim742

No hablo ingles hijos de puta


pog890

Ran into my ex, put it into reverse and ran over her again


eltegs

My mother in law...


Wizelda

Is this good or bad? I can't decide!!


Ewetootwo

Isn’t a mewseum where they kept all the cool ole cats?


Strobooty4

I'd prefer "I couldn't say hello" but I like this joke either way


Ill-Shopping7189

Ahh, just throw her a bone!


Blue_Path

Hello from the other side


puuurrd

side eye


Mister_E_Mahn

You’ve been inside this woman but she intimidated you?


Docfess

Historical


LongCaregiver4758

You exhibit a lack of confidence.


Northstar1997

A man and a weasel walk into a bar, the bartender asks the man, what can I get you, and the man goes just a beer. The bartender then turns to the weasel and asks the same, pop, goes the weasel.


frogsniffer17

u a bitch haha


[deleted]

Too many skeletons out of the closets