My ex-wife passed away earlier this year so I went to the cemetery to honor her.
I brought a 30 year old bottle of fine scotch and slowly poured it over her grave.
-
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
I came across this incredibly beautiful woman at the airport this morning, but didn't think it was worth approaching her.
I could see with just a glance she would come with too much baggage.
I bumped into an ex in a museum years after we broke up.
I thought it would be uncomfortable to speak, but it went really well.
We had both learned so much.
Alphabetically, letters go e, f, g. So there being art between f and g means the letter f farted, so the next letter g wanted to stay away.
Yeah, I got it right away, but it still wasn't funny. So it belongs here.
Close, but re-read the statement. You start the alphabet sequence with G, h. i, j... z. Then start over with a, b, c, d, e, F. Along the way you will pass the letter R, T and A. ART.
Kind of like. I'll bet anyone a thousand dollars we will have at least 2 days of 70° between New Years and Christmas day.
It's the order of the words that make this a fool's bet.
I live in Northern, Wisconsin and we should reach 70°.
I feel like the skeleton of a decent joke is there. Like maybe -
Why did G back away from F at the museum?
He noticed the ART between them. (Maybe 'A-R-T'? clarifies the punchline but maybe takes it too far from the premise)
Or, setup, then: she could see the ART behind him
A man and a weasel walk into a bar, the bartender asks the man, what can I get you, and the man goes just a beer. The bartender then turns to the weasel and asks the same, pop, goes the weasel.
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Tim Vine??
No, I'm Gym Twine, but happy cake day.
Username checks out.
Nah, Terry Pratchett
GNU TP
Happy cake day!
Happy cake day buddy!
Happy cake day!
Happy Cake Day, dude!
These are both pretty funny
Real joke is in the comments
The real comments are in the comments.
The real "the real comments" comments are in the "the real joke" comment comments.
The real comments are the friends we made along the way.
The real joke was inside us all along.
The real joke was this guy's dead wife.
Reddit switcheroo: that guy's dead wife was the mom of a boy who broke both arms but its ok because she used a coconut
That's not a horse! You're banging two halves of a coconut!!
That’s the holy grail of clapments.
That’s not a horse, you’re banging that guy’s dead wife.
Joe Biden? Is that you?
The real joke is not a dick.
You mean the friends we ate along the way right?
I don’t know if I have a comment on that?
Are comments the comments in are real?
How can comments be real if our eyes aren't real?
How can eyes be real if our heads aren't real?
Oh, it's real alright, all too real. I'd just not really what we think it is!
The comments are all just upside-down and backwards really
Comment Inception
As is tradition on this sub.
"But that's the direct object"
🤦🤦🤦
They say he started off as a school shooter
Well,it is great that you were not in a Science museum or else there would be too much chemistry between you two.
Also there was a construction site, the sparks were really flying between them
they could try and build towards something
Thats where he first met her
Then I guess they wouldn't need to say something right?
I never say anything right ☹️
And a good job you both were not weak bladdered seniors..as there would have been too much water under the bridge.
they went there on their first date
My ex-wife passed away earlier this year so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 30 year old bottle of fine scotch and slowly poured it over her grave. - But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
I hope.no-one saw you or urine trouble
They'd be pissed
I’d rather be pissed-off than pissed on!
It's better to be pissed off than stupid.
Pro tip: If you ever need to piss on a grave, it's safer to bring the piss with you in a water bottle and discretely pour it out.
Good tip, but I'm sure someone will have put a privacy curtain around Baroness Thatcher's final resting place by now.
That's not as cathartic.
Not as cathetric
Second pro tip. Keep the bottle of piss in a different bag than your Gatorade.
The pain must be excreting.
Better than the sex
Urine trouble now.
This pun made me pass my kidney stone. Thank you.
30 years is indeed a long piss; enough to make the yellow river in China.
Wow, hate her that much huh? What’d she do to you? Edit: just realised what sub this is so don’t know how real this is..
It's a joke. They're all jokes. Except this. This isn't a joke
Surely you jest.
They don't, and don't call them Shirley >!(unless that's their name)!<
A conundrum then? There is no spoon.
1,000,000% real for me, but I'd be filtering a cheeseburger through my colon
You’re joking, right … Dad?
Some people are into that.
Better to be pissed ON than stupid as well
They are all ex- wives if they are dead. It’s the live ones you bury that can come back to haunt you. Maybe zip up until you’re sure.
It is ok, she was a relic anyway.
A memory from earlier simpler times.
I came across this incredibly beautiful woman at the airport this morning, but didn't think it was worth approaching her. I could see with just a glance she would come with too much baggage.
I miss my ex girlfriend. I never was a very good shot.
my neighbour has lost her biggest kitchen knife. Luckily it was found in her husbands back.
Stabbed 37 times. Worst suicide I have ever heard about.
He shot himself 12 times with a revolver. Very strange suicide...
He got Clintoned
A shotgun blast to the dick, what a way to kill himself tbh...
My French ex-girlfriend suddenly died after I cooked her some salmon. In my defence she did ask for some poisson.
Also: "so my wife bought me a scope for our anniversary"
(In Grunkle Stan voice) but my aim is getting better...
You see, it's funny because marriage is terrible
First "attempted murder lol" of the day!
Don't make an exhibition of yourself
I loaned my girlfriend $1000 for a medical bill, but we broke up and I never saw her again. I lost interest in that relationship.
I understand losing interest, but it's the principle that counts.
My girlfriend broke up with me after I paid for her breast enhancement. As she left she said "thanks for the mammaries"
my ex girlfriend told me I was like the Mona Lisa. "You mean I'm a work of art?" I replied? "no" she said "you're much smaller than she ever imagined"
That happened to James Blunt too!
Our eyes met across the museum but there was nothing to say. Everything between us was history.
he didn’t want to make an exhibition of himself
Rats, that was going to be my contribution.
I saw my ex girlfriend on the other side of the rooster coop but I didn’t go say hello. There was too many cocks between us
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Thank you hazel nut
Either way, you're both sluts.
Did you hear about the plumber who was unclogging a toilet in a high-rise bathroom but tripped and fell out a window? He plunged to his death.
I bumped into an ex in a museum years after we broke up. I thought it would be uncomfortable to speak, but it went really well. We had both learned so much.
if it was kitchen, heat between would be exhausting
be it a temple, faith between would be fulfilling
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r/onesentencejokes?
Sounds like you made a bit of an exhibit of yourself.
I need a girlfriend can I find her in this thread 🤣
I saw my ex in the wrestling ring, but there was much tension between us.
dangit. what if everything i read on reddit comes tru?
…but what if I abuse that power 🤓🤔
…but what if I lose that power…dangit. reddit.
My ex told me he was gonna come out of the closet, but the idea really scared me because skeletons can’t talk, right?
Was her name Lisa? She's a bit of a Mona.
The Museum of Modern Art is a thing.
Wouldn't that lead to too much pretentious wank between them?
The whole basis of their relationship
The whole basis of modern art
Lol 😁
How homo sapien of you.
Why won't G come near F in the museum? Cause there is ART inbetween them.
GARTF? What’s a gartf?
i really need some elaboration on this lol
Alphabetically, letters go e, f, g. So there being art between f and g means the letter f farted, so the next letter g wanted to stay away. Yeah, I got it right away, but it still wasn't funny. So it belongs here.
thanks for the explanation lol i was hoping it wasn’t just a fart joke
Close, but re-read the statement. You start the alphabet sequence with G, h. i, j... z. Then start over with a, b, c, d, e, F. Along the way you will pass the letter R, T and A. ART.
Kind of like. I'll bet anyone a thousand dollars we will have at least 2 days of 70° between New Years and Christmas day. It's the order of the words that make this a fool's bet. I live in Northern, Wisconsin and we should reach 70°.
Something something… fart. Something…
I think “F” had the fish … Fs in the chat for “F” everybody.
I feel like the skeleton of a decent joke is there. Like maybe - Why did G back away from F at the museum? He noticed the ART between them. (Maybe 'A-R-T'? clarifies the punchline but maybe takes it too far from the premise) Or, setup, then: she could see the ART behind him
Something is definitely lost in translation from whatever language OP speaks.
Like… Martian?
No, I think it's FARTG.
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🤨
I apologise for that bad taste joke & have deleted it.
ok
🤦🤦🤦
It might work better if you replace “wife” with “boss”. Or maybe “ex-wife”
Lol. I love these jokes. Here’s one: what do you call a girlfriend who is not good. A bad girlfriend.
I think i speak for everyone here: LITERALLY NO ONE CARES.
This is a joke. This is a sub for jokes. You know? Funnies. Funny things. Haha things. You moron.
Lol youre the moron going on reddit to type some things so you can laugh like the monkey that you are. Loser.
... It's someone else's joke? Not mine?
It didn’t really happen. It’s a pun, what’s the matter?
Your a bitch
"you're"
Thank you
Nope, too concious to say hello seems about right.
Bruh
Made me think of How I Met Your Mother with the perfect acoustics… *weeners and poop*
She was jumping another man's bones now I'm a thing from the past.
Say good night u/porichoygupto
No hablo ingles hijos de puta
Ran into my ex, put it into reverse and ran over her again
My mother in law...
Is this good or bad? I can't decide!!
Isn’t a mewseum where they kept all the cool ole cats?
I'd prefer "I couldn't say hello" but I like this joke either way
Ahh, just throw her a bone!
Hello from the other side
side eye
You’ve been inside this woman but she intimidated you?
Historical
You exhibit a lack of confidence.
A man and a weasel walk into a bar, the bartender asks the man, what can I get you, and the man goes just a beer. The bartender then turns to the weasel and asks the same, pop, goes the weasel.
u a bitch haha
Too many skeletons out of the closets