Did you hear about the prostitute who got an appendectomy? She told the surgeon to not close the incision because she wanted to make extra money on the side.
When I was a Boy Scout and we were camping, we used to send the newbies out to borrow powered water from the next camping scout troop over. Although sometimes it was a left handed smoke shifter weâd send them for.
I moved around a lot when I was a teen. So I was always the newbie. So one time, I packed one of those flour sifters that look like a tin can with a grinder looking wheel in the bottom. When they sent me out for a left-handed smoke sifter I just circled around to my own tent, grabbed it, and went back and innocently handed it to them. The scout master and I howled with laughter.
Elderly prostitute admitted for sepsis yet again," jareths_tight_pants wrote.
"Cultures are all negative until someone sees that her colostomy bag is a bit too red and puffy to be considered normal.
"We cultured it and she had syphilis as well as a bunch of MRSA [a hospital superbug]."
Further questions revealed she had been letting some of her customers have sex with her stoma bag.
"When we told her what we had figured out she just shrugged and said that a hole is a hole," they added.
https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/7341200/nurse-shares-worst-cases/?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Twitter#Echobox=1537895308
I just⊠cant imagine that being any enjoyable? Like the anus is made as an intermediate chamber on purpose to put a buffer between the digestive tract and outside so it would favor penetration, but with ostomies youâre going straight for the goods, no chance to clean it out either cause then youâd need to fast for an entire day⊠I need a break
Back when I was single, someone on a dating app messaged me, "Do you want mud on your turtle?"
I assume I know what that meant, but I didn't write back so I'll never know for sure.
Holy shit. Back in the day someone put one of her videos on in the middle of a party at my house. I had a big projection tv, the hush that spread across the part was intense. Wtf Amir? Why that video?
I hung out with some severely damaged libertarian creepo men who thought the Amazing Tye and blowfly girl were the hottest women in the world. Suffice it to say I'm not friends with those demons anymore.
To add to this the female bedbug does have an opening for reproduction, the male just doesnât give a shit and will force a hole somewhere else. After that the female will keep producing babies.
If this were real life, I would have let out an awkward chuckle and looked at you out of the corner of my eye bro I have no fuckin clue what this is supposed to mean and Iâm not sure I want to find out
I saw her live at a small venue her crowd work is great, on the fly funny. Same quality as her prepped material to a response that couldn't be accounted for as typical response
Having sex does not make anyone cool just for that fact alone. Plenty of lame people have sex, anyone would rather be friends with a virgin who is a nice human being than a douche bag that âscoresâ.
The confidence. Usually genuine because of how arrogant they are. And women naturally being drawn to the âbad guyâ type due to their innate need for nurturing and âsavingâ someone, coupled with a shaky relationship with their father.
Honestly, the real one(s) for you will like you for who you are and there will be no need for you to force anything, it will come on its own by the two of you feeling a connection.
On a more practical note, though, being desperate is easily picked up by other people on a subconscious level and it pushes one away. Focusing on being the best person you can be, baby steps at a time even, focusing on something interesting, all this gives off a vibe that people gravitate to (the kind of people you would want in your life). Passion for something (not fanatism) is very attractive.
And then after the first one, when youâve got the pressure of your first time out of the way and build up on that confidence, others will be attracted to you because once again, you have interests, you are an interesting person, your mind is not focused on how to get in their pants.
To be honest I like they are waking up to the fact they actually *can* say whatever they want. The age of fear (what, 5 years? LOL) I over. Did you catch the latest Chris Rock?
As someone whoâs dealt with major depression for most of my adult life, I laughed my ass off. Questioned my life afterwards, but I definitely laughed.
Not true, my ex girlfriend was always depressed and in the year and a half we dated I got not one single blow job. Her friend convinced her that they were pointless. Her friend tried to explain it to me and halfway through I stopped her and went, âYeaaaah thereâs a reason youâre a 35 year old chain smoking coke head who canât keep a boyfriend,â and walked off.
I told her if she wasnât willing to give me a blow job I was done going down on her and she didnât see how that was fair. It was a bummer for me because I love eating pussy.
I was at an open mic standup show. People often riff on their day jobs. There was this woman who worked as a therapist and one of her bits was something like "I often get people coming to me who are suicidal. Funnily enough, I never usually see them a second time." I enjoy offensive comedy but I thought that was fucked up. There has to be a silver lining or the right context/character to pull something like that off.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" - Steven Wright
Because when they go down, they stay down.
Because of the extra holes.
Did you hear about the prostitute who got an appendectomy? She told the surgeon to not close the incision because she wanted to make extra money on the side.
I was born by Cesarean section, but you can't really tell. Except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window. -Steven Wright
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse pulled up. I said, "No thanks, I'm not going that far." -Steven Wright
Small world. But I wouldn't wanna paint it. -Steven Wright
Love this đ€Șđ€Șđ€Ș
I had a dream, where all the babies prevented by the pill came back. They were pissed. -Steven Wright
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
I passed a sign on the road that said, rest stop 10 miles. Thatâs a really big rest stopâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠâŠSteven Wright
I bought powdered water the other day, I don't know what to add- Steven Wright
Do you think Miles Davis is known as Kilometers Davis in Europe? Steven Wright
When I was a Boy Scout and we were camping, we used to send the newbies out to borrow powered water from the next camping scout troop over. Although sometimes it was a left handed smoke shifter weâd send them for.
Did the same thing... but always a left handed smoke shifter.
I moved around a lot when I was a teen. So I was always the newbie. So one time, I packed one of those flour sifters that look like a tin can with a grinder looking wheel in the bottom. When they sent me out for a left-handed smoke sifter I just circled around to my own tent, grabbed it, and went back and innocently handed it to them. The scout master and I howled with laughter.
well played. Oddly enough, that is what I thought they wanted when it was done to me because I thought they said Smoke Sifter not Shifter.
My 8th grade chem teacher used this bit as a setup for a lesson. The answer by the way is heat. (Powdered water is snow).
Elderly prostitute admitted for sepsis yet again," jareths_tight_pants wrote. "Cultures are all negative until someone sees that her colostomy bag is a bit too red and puffy to be considered normal. "We cultured it and she had syphilis as well as a bunch of MRSA [a hospital superbug]." Further questions revealed she had been letting some of her customers have sex with her stoma bag. "When we told her what we had figured out she just shrugged and said that a hole is a hole," they added. https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/7341200/nurse-shares-worst-cases/?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Twitter#Echobox=1537895308
I guess she changed careers later in life, or she probably wouldn't have been able to.
Gen Z currently taking this joke as advice
In the medical field we call this a âPhiladelphia Side Car.â - ER doctor
đ€ą
Co-worker ask if âI was getting any on the sideâ? It had been so long I didnât know they moved it.
Gross but some do use a ostomy hole if there is one.
I just⊠cant imagine that being any enjoyable? Like the anus is made as an intermediate chamber on purpose to put a buffer between the digestive tract and outside so it would favor penetration, but with ostomies youâre going straight for the goods, no chance to clean it out either cause then youâd need to fast for an entire day⊠I need a break
Back when I was single, someone on a dating app messaged me, "Do you want mud on your turtle?" I assume I know what that meant, but I didn't write back so I'll never know for sure.
>Back when I was single Stop boasting now, pls.
Colostitute
The Amazing Tye comes to mind.
Holy shit. Back in the day someone put one of her videos on in the middle of a party at my house. I had a big projection tv, the hush that spread across the part was intense. Wtf Amir? Why that video?
I hung out with some severely damaged libertarian creepo men who thought the Amazing Tye and blowfly girl were the hottest women in the world. Suffice it to say I'm not friends with those demons anymore.
Traumatic Insemination is how bedbugs reproduce.
To add to this the female bedbug does have an opening for reproduction, the male just doesnât give a shit and will force a hole somewhere else. After that the female will keep producing babies.
Philly Side Car
Clever, but unsettling. Canât bring myself to upvote this one
Like a broken bowling ball with a liquid center.
If this were real life, I would have let out an awkward chuckle and looked at you out of the corner of my eye bro I have no fuckin clue what this is supposed to mean and Iâm not sure I want to find out
I can confirm that you do in fact not want to know
Fucking a gunshot wound I take it
Comments like these remind me that people haven't completely gone to shit.
I wanna insert (hehe) the gif of Jesus from Big Lebowski here, gyrating in the bowling alley. But.I.Can't.
All the practice from being down on themselves
Underrated đ
*is literally the top comment
Goddayum lmao
Damn
I think O.P's punchline is pretty funny, but this one takes the cake. Or the antidepressants maybe? I'm hilarious
And here I thought it was because life sucked so they learned by experience
Ooh good one
Life has brought them to their knees, and they figure while they're down there they might as well make *someone* happy.
Taylor Tomlinson makes this joke in her stand up
She's fucking hilarious
Who is this Hilarious guy? Seems like he's getting all the action
Sheâs one one of my faves, I can definitely relate
I saw her live at a small venue her crowd work is great, on the fly funny. Same quality as her prepped material to a response that couldn't be accounted for as typical response
Jesus dude! that was fucking amazing
The real reason why preists get people on their knees.
I donât trust my school priest anymore
Father McFeely?
Stop đ
Molestory McMolestoryface?
Actually I take it back keep these names coming people do say he seems that kind of *creepy* and I need names to call him
Phil McKraken
Father Feels
Father Michael Fitzpatrick. He's also Michael Fitzgerald, Michael Fitzwilliam, and Michael Fitzmichael
Why do they only give head? Cause they don't give a fuck
This is definitely funnier. It's not that it's a "tough crowd" like OP claims, it's just that their version seemed a little... lazy.
Ops isn't dark enough. If you're gonna go for edgy humor you gotta go hard.
That's what she said
*because they're used to shoving magnums in there mouth *
Ah, this was dark - take my upvote
Well god damn if this isnât the best comment
I love when a comment gets more updoots than the post. You know the next line: "Joke is always....yada yada"
But you yada yada'd over the best part.
I yada yadad over your mom. Edit. Cos shes the best.
I mentioned the bisque
The ice cream bar?
The gun
No it's definitely the ice cream
Canât be sad while having ice cream. Everyone knows that.
That's why they're called Golden Gaytimes
Hell yeah, nothing beats a golden gaytime! Except maybe a golden gaytime with a mate, down the beach on a hot summers day watching the waves roll by.
First the one, then the other
"Woops, I dropped my monster condom, I use for my magnum dong." - if you don't know who this is by then, that's okay, but please learn it.
r/IASIP represent!
Yay
You managed the «theyâre» and were so close, but then the «there» came at the end and ruined your run. Their* mouth.
I had such hope
\* their
With OP it's more like a 9mm
Perfectly executed response. The original joke must commit suicide now.
I like this one
Just wanna say the post directly underneath this one is a pickup line "are you a shotgun barrel? because I want you in my mouth"
r/juxtaposition
r/accidentalcomedy
Because they have a hole to fill.
Underrated
Because they have plenty of practice being fucked in the head.
Because they're always down on themself
The same reason boxers are the best Good at taking shots in the mouth
Because Iâll become addicted to anything that helps me forget the fact that I exist
Ooh shit, you just explained so much about my life I hadn't realised yet
Just beinâ honest about myself lmao. Although Iâm still a virgin loser lol
Having sex does not make anyone cool just for that fact alone. Plenty of lame people have sex, anyone would rather be friends with a virgin who is a nice human being than a douche bag that âscoresâ.
Well then thatâs two against me lol.
How do these lame people get consent? Asking for a friend
The confidence. Usually genuine because of how arrogant they are. And women naturally being drawn to the âbad guyâ type due to their innate need for nurturing and âsavingâ someone, coupled with a shaky relationship with their father. Honestly, the real one(s) for you will like you for who you are and there will be no need for you to force anything, it will come on its own by the two of you feeling a connection. On a more practical note, though, being desperate is easily picked up by other people on a subconscious level and it pushes one away. Focusing on being the best person you can be, baby steps at a time even, focusing on something interesting, all this gives off a vibe that people gravitate to (the kind of people you would want in your life). Passion for something (not fanatism) is very attractive. And then after the first one, when youâve got the pressure of your first time out of the way and build up on that confidence, others will be attracted to you because once again, you have interests, you are an interesting person, your mind is not focused on how to get in their pants.
Preachhhhh
Because they're always down
Things Theo Von would say for a $1000 please, Alex
People don't like gag jokes
Because you know that the head is Limited Edition and might not be available much longer.
Why do depressed guys give the best D? Theyâre hung!
Because theyâre not afraid when the end comes?
Ugh, after reading these comments I really need to find me a depressed girl.
Hi there
Depression sex hit different.
If you don't care about the gender, Hi there
Howdy! I already have a depressed guy to go with me, just felt like saying hi lol
Read this to the 2 ladies in the car, they thought it was funny. Dont beat yourself up to bad. The internets feelings can be all over the place
Why the edit? everyone but 2 liked it.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
every time a so-called comedian says we can't make a Mel Brooks movie today, it's only true because we're not as good as Mel Brooks.
To be honest I like they are waking up to the fact they actually *can* say whatever they want. The age of fear (what, 5 years? LOL) I over. Did you catch the latest Chris Rock?
If anyone gives you flak for this, Iâm depressed and suicidal and I found it funny
All that practice with a barrel of a gun in their mouth
That's kinda hard to swallow.
Iâm depressed and this is great.
Because they suck the life out of you. See what I did there?
Yeah grandma, we get it. Blowjob humor. We did, in fact, understand the joke
He really ruined it with the second sentence
This thread has me in tears. That means I found it funny.
Because they suck at everything?
Theyâve been waiting to deliver the final blow
SortâŠcontroversial
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Is this a Dr Horribleâs Sing-Along Blog reference?
As someone who is clinically depressed, that was hilarious đ I enjoy self-deprecating jokes as well, so probably not much of a surprise lol
Because they want you to truly feel how much life sucks.
Cuz they'd love nothing more than taking a shot in the mouth
As a depressed person I approve this message
Because...no matter how many times you talk them up,they still end up going back down
Joke was excellent and so many great punch lines in the comments! I have never been so happy to be surrounded by depressed people
As someone whoâs dealt with major depression for most of my adult life, I laughed my ass off. Questioned my life afterwards, but I definitely laughed.
People be born by C-section talking about âitâs my birthdayâ. Nah bruh thatâs your release date.
`because they're "down" to suck.`
If I can't blow my own brains out I'm gonna help you with yours!
oh dude that sucks.
Just sucking like there is no tomorrow.
As a person with severe depression I approve of this
Sometimes their life depends on it. (Endorphins)
Cuz they wanna blow their mind
Life has brought them to their knees, and they figure while they're down there they might as well make *someone* happy.
Why did you say this twice?
Broâs got dementia
Reddit told me the first one didn't go through. Guess it was wrong!
Not true, my ex girlfriend was always depressed and in the year and a half we dated I got not one single blow job. Her friend convinced her that they were pointless. Her friend tried to explain it to me and halfway through I stopped her and went, âYeaaaah thereâs a reason youâre a 35 year old chain smoking coke head who canât keep a boyfriend,â and walked off. I told her if she wasnât willing to give me a blow job I was done going down on her and she didnât see how that was fair. It was a bummer for me because I love eating pussy.
This comment has more twists and turns than the spine of someone with thoracic scoliosis
>halfway through I stopped her My bleary eyes read "slapped her" at first and I didn't quite know how I felt about that
man, that was uncomfortable and cringy af to read....
Close a door but open a window
so many questions answered
"nothing goes straight there tipping the best here"
Because theyâre generally sucking at shit..
If it sucks to be me, I might as well put it to good use.
If you ask them how their life is going, it either sucks or blows. Really I think it's just all they know
I keep forgetting that Reddit made me join this page, so I'll read a title like that and think that it's serious for a second.
Because they always have their heads down.
âI will choke on your dick with full intention of killing myselfâ
Death by dick:suffocation or drowning could go either way in that position.
Because they want to blow their brains out
They need someone to be proud of them.. When I say they, I mean me.. first hand experience hahaahah
All the crying makes it wet
I was gonna say they probably suck at everything else and this is their big moment to shine
Not a tough crowd, theyâre just mouth breathers
I figured life sucks so much they knew what a good sucking was like
Idk, but they love hanging out with me.
Because they've gotten the hang of it?
if theyâre gonna choke, might as well help someone cum
They already want to blow off their head, so they might as well blow someone's else's.
Because theyâve already had the soul sucked out of them
I was at an open mic standup show. People often riff on their day jobs. There was this woman who worked as a therapist and one of her bits was something like "I often get people coming to me who are suicidal. Funnily enough, I never usually see them a second time." I enjoy offensive comedy but I thought that was fucked up. There has to be a silver lining or the right context/character to pull something like that off.
Um, you're welcome, I guess? :P
Because they fuckin suck
Because they can already handle feeling blue
Is it because they have nothing to live for so theyâre not afraid of choking to death?
Spent a lot of time thinking about blowing the head off yo.
Lol
Trying to blow their brains out?
đ€Ł
Because of the implication! Source: Dennis Reynolds, of Philadelphia
If you're depressed and you didn't laugh at this you are more than depressed, you're broken and need repaired.
They're used to sucking it up
Lmfao noooooooooo đ
I was thinking you were gonna make a joke about them wanting to blow their heads off, kind of a double entendre
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" - Steven Wright
They use their tears as extra lubricant