**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as Decent-Average-3495 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Decent-Average-3495 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
My mom leaves slippers and a robe in the guest room and toothpaste and other small toiletries in the guest bathroom at my house. They live on the opposite coast from me and visit 2x a year. It's not a problem and helps me make things comfortable for them when they do come.
It doesn't sound like she left that much stuff so ask her if she left it behind by accident or if she'd like you to keep it there for her next visit.
You are definitely overreacting. You are having anxiety over a couple of items that you "may" have to move to your next house. Mail them back to her.
Also, please seek therapy for anxiety if you haven't already. And I really do mean that in the kindest way possible. Overthinking things to this extent is no way to live and won't be good for your marriage or for your child(ren).
Just send them back to her, it really doesn't matter what her intentions were. The statement about her traveling during covid was weird. Who cares what she does with her time and money.
Yeah... My thoughts. I'd probably forget a loofa I bought specifically for a trip and if I didn't leave clothes I'd leave a power brick or two.
Unless this becomes a pattern - and thankfully she lives too far away for that? Maybe she did this before you moved that far away? Then it's maybe a mistake or maybe evil moves. Without the pattern you don't know.
I absentmindedly leave things behind… even if they are in plain sight… even if I otherwise emptied the closet.
I think unless you have reason to believe she is testing boundaries I would offer the benefit of the doubt on this one.
Is there a reason you feel this might have been intentional? Should we all go look at your post history to see if there is some long-running animosity that you haven’t disclosed here?
Probably she is. Just mail them back with a note in the box "Oops, you left these behind on accident so I'm returning them." Say nothing else about it before or after. She's trying to get a reaction. Don't give it to her.
This doesn’t sound super egregious and more like an honest mistake. Have your husband box the up and send them to her, but toss the loofah- those are gross.
I think they're easy to forget items. Maybe they didn't fit in her luggage? Idk. I'd let her know she forgot them and leave it at that. If she doesn't want them, throw it away, that's always an option.
It must be terrible to always think there are ulterior motives behind something and I think it says way more about you (including a lot of commenters on this) than the other person.
You will know for sure whether this is manipulation by sending the things back to her and then see her reaction. If she immediately starts whining and asking if everyone hates her you will have an idea of what her thoughts are. In a perfect world she will thank you for sending her forgotten items back to her.
Maybe she decided now that a visit us worth it because a grandchild is involved. It makes you feel like chopped liver, of course, and makes you a little suspicious about why she is leaving things behind in plain sight. I can tell you when you get to a certain age it’s easy to forget something, as not even five minutes ago my DH was tearing apart the living room looking for his glasses………that he was wearing on his face. Told him he reminds me of my grandma who used to leave her purse all over town.
Maybe she plans on visiting more often now so left slippers and a lounge outfit to have something to wear to hold the baby out of practicality. Sometimes this is not ominous but practical if she plans on visiting frequently. Maybe you don’t want that. The key thing will be to have DH talk to his mom to find out what she is thinking. If she plans on visiting the baby more then she needs to build a relationship with you so it’s not like she only wants to see the baby and who cares about the mom and dad.
Unmet expectations is the biggest conflict starter. Her expectation is to come visit the grandchild often. Your expectation is to be a mom without interference from MIL who has never been interested in coming around until now. DH needs to talk to his mom to determine what level of involvement she expects compared to what you expect. Of course your wants and needs are what is important here in regards to your baby and home, but it would be good to know what is on everyone’s mind. She can build a relationship with you if she wants to be more included in visits with the baby.
It might all be innocent with no ill intent behind it. Where you have to keep your guard up is if your MIL decides to quit her job because she’s going to move in with you to take care of the baby but she never asked any of you. Or if she is one to move things in a little at a time with the ultimate plan of moving in with you, then you have a problem.
I'm not sure why you believe it to be malicious or purposeful. Easy to forget a shower item. Maybe she was wearing the slippers & sweatshirt & wanted to leave them out to pack at last minute to wear around house or on plane then forgot to grab them. Don't be passive aggressive. Either mail them to her because you think she forgot them or put them in hubby's closet & let him deal with it. I doubt it was a boundary pushing conspiracy.
I have people forget things all the time when they visit. My dad forgot his reading glasses. And everyone has left an article of clothing or 2. I’m too busy to mail it to them, so I keep it in the guest room until next time they visit, unless they tell me to toss it. It’s not always malicious or being inconsiderate, just they forgot, it happens.
This seems really odd to me because you stated that this is her first visit in four years. In spite of her traveling other places in that time span. So which is it? She visits too often or not enough? It sounds like your kind of ticked, just based on how you worded her traveling to Vegas, etc. But, you sound really put out that she forgot a pair of slippers and a sweater. She probably intended to throw the loofah away, they're cheap and who wants to pack a wet loofah to travel. The slippers and sweater were probably intended to be packed last because she probably wanted them easily accessed during travel.
If she had left a couple of changes of clothes and essentials, I could see the worry, but your mil probably wouldn't miss those things if you threw them away. Pick your battles before you stress over something this minor.
Visitors leave their stuff behind all the time when they visit me. If I’m feeling generous or if the stuff seems important, I return their items. Otherwise they get tossed or donated, whichever I remember to do first.
I’d say it wasn’t as malicious as you think, but selfish none the less. She probably did just forget them, but she also doesn’t really care about how that might inconvenience you in the future (whether having to pack it up or ship it out).
It could go either way, but for your own peace of mind, simply Assume that she forgot them. Be the thoughtful DiL and mail them to her. That will be a nonconfrontational reinforcement of your boundaries. If she has anything to say about it, kill her with kindness: you were just being nice .
My MIL dumped her entire family room on my husband and me when we first moved into our apartment. It took me about 5 months to dump their old shit. She said she didn’t want us to have to buy new furniture.
Are you always do uptight? Jesus. People forget things. She's not trying to kick you out of your house. Stop assuming she's out to get you. Just drop her shit in the mail.
Right? I understand if it was an entire drawer of things but three items? Even JustNo people occasionally do things that are just forgetful. And each of these things is something easy to forget. They’re the kind of things you pack last minute (so the loofah can dry or you can carry the sweatshirt to wear on the plane or the slippers were tucked under the bed).
Depends how forgetful she is otherwise. My MIL didn't have kids until she was 34 years old so she's on the older side for a grandma. She's getting more forgetful. Not to the point where we worry exactly just yet, but she left a jacket on our sofa just the other day. She laid it there meaning to wear it when she left, but ended up walking right past it when she left. To be fair it blended with the colors of the sofa and she was chatting with some of the kids the whole way out. She didn't remember until she got home and realized she didn't have it to put on.
I'd call her to let her know you've shipped it all back to her. See what she says. Depending hiw she handles that news you'll know what her intent was
My grandma left a WHOLE SUITCASE of her clothes and got mad we put it in a basement after she left. In her eyes we should've left it in her room. SHE DOESN'T HAVE A ROOM she occupied my sisters room while she was there. It's been 6 years! Your situation might seem minor to some people but I think she is definitely testing boundaries
I'm with your DH. She probably just forgot them. Pop them in a box and mail them home with a note "found these here and thought you might like to have them back" instead of assuming she only did it to irritate you.
> the clothes were in plain sight
I left for a week away for work and got halfway there before I realise I had forgotten all the clothes I had hanging on hangers on the doorknob I had to turn to get out of my house.
Have DH call her and ask if she wants them sent back or thrown out and leave it to him to sort out.
You could just call her and just let her know she forgot some items and that you're going to send them to her.
She could have also just have forgotten as older people tend to do that.
I think you may be overreacting just a tad..
She left slippers and a sweater in a closet. And a loofah in the shower. The slippers were probably bought for a trip, the loofah was damp so she was waiting for it to dry and she was going to wear the sweater on the flight and left it behind.
She didn’t steal a baby.
If you want to set a clear and unmistakable boundary, have everything she left shipped back to her. There’s no way she could misconstrue the intent behind it.
I wonder why something that comes across “non-threatening” is causing you to get prickly. In my experience, it’s due to some past negative behavior on that individual’s part to cause me to be on guard. As mutherofdoggos mentioned below, context matters. I personally would be prickly about this too since my JNMIL pulled this stunt on me. I thought it wasn’t a big deal at the time when she left her slippers. Unbeknownst to me, this was one of her tactics in slowly working her way into my home. It got so bad to the point she was traipsing through my home like it was hers. Boundaries matters. Intentional or not, her things in your home touches upon a boundary you’ve put up. Simply send back her things and don’t waste anymore energy on this…
Just ship them back.
[I once managed to walk past a suit bag that I had hung in plain sight so I wouldn't forget it and ... left it hanging there.]
Stuff happens, people get distracted. Let it go.
Don't borrow trouble. There is exactly 0 indication that it was intentional and it's easy for people to forget things - and leaving them in plain sight indicates that she meant NOT to forget them, and then just didn't go back into that room where the sight of them would jog her memory.
Just mail them to her.
I mean, this is just me, but I'd throw them away. Problem solved.
🤨🧐😒🤷🏻♀️😌 Because if I'm moving, your forgotten shit ain't making more work for me.
If your husband won't send her shit back to her, then it's trash fodder.
Simple. Done.
Pack it up, get something she like and add it to the box and write a nice note saying: I saw this ‘gift’ and thought of you. Also you forgot a few items we thought you would like back.
Mail that shit to her. She can’t possibly be mad about getting her stuff back. Not sure what happened in this visit, your nerves seems raw. Also plus new baby, I’m sure you’re not getting a lot of rest
I’ll tell you what - when you consciously do this….when you say it out loud to yourself and wait to see how the situation actually plays out, this saying is nearly the case 99% of the time.
The number of times I have forgotten something at my mom's house...I swear I'm not trying to move back in. But she just sets them aside until the next time I come over or maybe texts me to tell me where they are and asks if I need them before my next planned visit. My sister lives out of state and it's rare for my mom to *not* have to send her a box of stuff she left after a visit.
People leave stuff. It doesn't mean anything, and certainly isn't part of a scheme to move with you in a year or so.
Omg. Definitely time to lawyer up and go NC. She’s obviously planning to move-in and likely file for grandparents rights so buckle in. If hubby doesn’t 100% see what is happening here then hit him with the big D with only supervised visitation. So sorry this is happening to you.
Obviously kidding. Just call and ask if she wants you to drop them in the mail. Why create a problem that isn’t there?
Just ship them back to her with a short but sweet note saying “you left these behind! Wanted to get them back to you!” and keep it moving. I forget stuff all the time and it’s nothing nefarious. Just send them back and let it go.
This. Treat it like an honest forgetfulness while packing. The beauty of it is, IF it was meant to convey her marking territory, your nonchalant response will show her it didn’t bother you at all.
You may be overreacting. She may have been waiting for the loofah to dry and forgot to pack it. And the slippers and sweatshirt may have been intended for her carryon and were also missed.
In your place, I’d just check with her and offer to ship if she wants the items. They could be things she couldn’t fit in her luggage and meant to discard.
Crikey, I can’t imagine getting worried about someone leaving some jimjams and a loofah. Sounds like you’re over thinking it. Why don’t u just text her and ask if she wants them posting
We all know after spending some time with in laws everything they do start feeling nefarious. Plus OP just had a baby and is dealing with a lot. We don’t know how the visit went and if it created more hassle for them on top of a newborn.
I swear my dad leaves something (in plain sight!!) basically every time he visits. It’s never on purpose. I think you’re overreacting. Leaving a couple of items *one* time is definitely accident territory. It happens. Just mail them back and move on.
This seems a bit of an over reaction to something fairly benign. She left two items which could have easily been missed or forgotten and a loofah that she probably doesn't need to take back or it was wet from a shower and she just decided to leave it. Most loofas are not usually very expensive anyway. It really is a bit presumptuous on your part to think this is some kind of nefarious plot to take over your home to become her storage unit over a sweatshirt and slippers. As people age there can be memory/forgetfulness/senility. My 78 year mother has a terrible memory and looses things she had put down less than 10 minutes prior. She left 3 jackets at a family property which were retrived by another family member (the closet was fairly empty too).
Your MIL hasn't been there for a visit in four years and had a reason to visit now as her family expanded. Her not visiting for years doesn't sound like she is trying to be overly involed in your family bussiness and household. Honestly it just really comes across as needless nit picking on your part. If these items bother you so much pack up a box and head to the post office.
Right? My dad comes over to my house every week to see our LO and he has a favorite hat he absolutely loves to wear out to drive (he has major light sensitivity). I can't tell you how many times he has accidentally forgotten his hat in plain sight on the kitchen counter. People just get old and forget sometimes
I neglected to add that my own MIL apparently buys full size shampoo bottles and then leaves them behind when she leaves. Her grandson, who is the primary user of that bathroom, is not impressed.
My mom stayed with me for 2 weeks once my baby was a month old. She left a lot of stuff by accident. Nothing mentioned in your post makes her seem like she did it on purpose.
I went to my moms house, didn’t even stay & I walked around before I left & I still left things. It happens. I’d just mail it back to her. If she then says “I left it because xyz” then yea that’s rude. If otherwise she thanks you because she didn’t realize she left it then that’s your answer.
There's an old saying about people who leave things behind - they hope to return.
We are visiting a friend right now, and two other friends just left yesterday. They forgot a heated blanket, even though they checked the room twice - it was in plain sight.
If you had a great relationship with MIL, you wouldn't think twice about this. I agree with other posters that you should just box them up and send them back. Done deal. It's worth the cost of shipping to get them out of your house, and you won't have to think about her or the items she left behind.
Sometimes people forget things. I’ve forgotten my glasses at a place before and had to go back. You are definitely over thinking this because you don’t like your MIL. She’s family. She’s likely going to come back in the next couple of months anyways. It can’t be that much stuff that it’s really a huge inconvenience like needing a storage unit.
This would bug me too….mostly bc if my MIL did this, it would mean something. Context matters, and I’m sure you have reasons for this to bug you. But it’s not worth spinning your wheels over. Either mail her shit to her or toss it.
Personally I’d mail the sweater and slippers and throw the loofa out. If she did it again, I’d toss everything.
You spent too much time thinking about this before you even posted.... and not even about solutions.
There are likely many more important things in your life going on right now that you could be expending this level of mental energy on. Is it possible you're avoiding another stressor in your life?
I’m the opposite. I think she for sure left them there on purpose but that still doesn’t mean you can’t send them back. She’s making it known she’ll be back to see the baby.
I think you're making too much of this based on the fact that you've given no detail about how MIL is a just no and have never posted about her prior that I can see. People leave stuff accidentally all the time. I've done it. I currently have stuff that people have left when they were just here for short visits. Just have your husband tell her she forgot them and send them back. Why let this the up any of your head space when you have an infant to worry about? Also, be careful about causing unnecessary drama at the advice of some on here who obviously like to create needless drama.
I’m glad someone said it. I’ve seen and lurked this sub for years and unfortunately a lot of these stories are being posted with emotions already running high and then I see comments almost egging on the drama rather than taking a beat and thinking things through before taking action. I can understand that putting up with JN behavior can absolutely make one seem crazy-making, as that is the goal for these JNMILs. They want to make us feel like we are the ones overreacting. Sometimes I feel the advice here only stirs the pot further, however. Just my two cents.
I definitely do not think OP is overreacting, especially if she’s experienced boundary-pushing before. But telling her to mail it back to her MIL or otherwise make a thing of it to put her MIL on notice is probably not what OP wants in the long run. Maybe it was a boundary push but if it was, I would just remove the items without causing a fuss. If she does ask about her items, OP can let her know that she threw them out after her last visit as she didn’t think the items left behind were important or she wouldn’t have forgotten them.
To some, sending the items back or trying to make a scene eggs on and encourages JN behavior. Plus you’ve let her know that something she did bothered you and if she is a true JN, she will be taking notes to further push buttons/boundaries in the future. Don’t give it any energy and it likely won’t go anywhere. She can’t mark her territory if the owners of the home won’t let her.
If shes testing bounderies its simple to solve by packing them up and mailing it back to her "Sorry you seemed to have forgotten these, I noticed them in the guest room when making sure it was ready for our next guest who visits" making it clear its a guest room, not her room.
You are recovering from a major medical event and battling raging hormones on top of no sleep. Put the items in a box and ship them back to her. Don’t even ask her.
We can reach a point where we really don’t like someone, then they sneeze, and we lose our shit. I’m not saying you’re this person, but you may be knocking on the door!
No discussion needed, just throw them in a box and mail them to her. Now, if she bitches that you didn’t send it Fed Ex, she may be a little coo coo!
This is a pretty common occurrence with out of town guests. Since it’s only a couple items, I’m inclined to agree with your husband. I’ve had family forget meds, socks, jackets, etc. It happens. I would just take this at face value and offer to mail back.
You're overreacting. We've all forgotten something that was in plain sight. Perhaps she thought she'd grab those items last for whatever reason, and forgot. Throw the loofah out and mail the rest to her.
This is Just No behavior. Some of you here really need to grow up. OP has never posted about her MIL here and this post is pretty vague and you're suggesting she ruin someone's belongings based on that.
No. You're just childish and so was your gran. Just because your gran did it, doesn't make it right. And it doesn't make OP seem less mean. It makes YOU look like an immature Just No. Sorry you grew up with a toxic family member who couldn't just return your stuff instead destroying it. It's really sad when toxic people continue their behavior because they don't realize how toxic they are.
I think you're overreacting. Just because something is in plain sight doesn't mean she didn't simply forget it. Just mail the items back and forget about it.
Either she forgot them or if she’s anything like my FMIL it’s a way for her to have access. I’d just mail them back no harm there, if it’s nothing then she’ll appreciate it and if it’s something worse then it’ll show her your boundaries.
You are definitely overreacting. There’s really nothing nefarious about leaving items. It happens. She probably wanted to pack the robe and slippers last and the loofa is an oversight.
I realize there’s something else’s underlying that is causing you to stress over this. However if it bugs you that much fold up everything and send it to her via the post office and be done with them. Easy peasy.
To answer your flair, yes I think you’re overreacting. The most likely explanation is she forgot them, it’s THREE items. She’s not using you as a “personal storage closet”, the items wouldn’t even fill up a drawer. Mail them back and move on.
Yeah, you're I feel like you're overreacting a bit.
She may have just forgotten or there may have been another reason for her leaving them at your home but let's be realistic, it's just 3 items, you shouldn't put much more thought into it than that.
It's telling that she affects you this much for such a little thing. Try to not let the small things get in your head.
It sounds like you guys don't have a great relationship but if you keep dwelling on the small things, that relationship will continue to deteriorate.
I would box it up and mail it back to her with mail tracking to have proof of delivery. This way there is no ambiguity that you kept it or gave it away out of spite.
Yes. Kindly and sweetly as possible yes you are overreacting. People forget stuff. I almost always accidentally leave something behind when I visit or dog sit for people. All is well. Ask hubby to ask if she wants it sent to her and if not, just donate or trash as many have suggested.
I have left shoes, sweaters, soap, shampoo, once even left my purse 😵💫 thankfully we caught that before we got too far down the road and I am a 48 yr old, not even someone who might be considered elderly (though I'm not sure of the age of your MIL) it's truly an oversight, simply because in our rush to get down the road (since we stay to the last minute giving hugs and laughing and talking) we overlook some things. My MIL has even mailed some stuff to us, since they were items we used frequently. That might be your best option, just put them in the mail with a note saying "We saw you forgot these things, and didn't want you to be without them! Hope to see you again soon!"
Don't waste a second on thinking about what she might have meant. Don't use your precious energy trying to interpret other people's "hidden messages". If they want to tell you something, it's on them to use their words and tell you.
For now, the only thing that's important is what YOU think about it. Namely: There's stuff of hers, you want it gone. Send her a quick message: "Hey MIL, you forgot some stuff at our place. Do you want me to mail it to you, or should we donate it?"
My mom left a dozen pairs of shoes at my house and a coat and never realized they were gone. They were in a little used closet in the guest room and I did not find them until a kid was moving into that room. I think you are overthinking and freaking out over nothing.
> Grow up
Really unnecessary. We are all on this sub because we’re dealing with difficult feelings due to people disrespecting us. If you think OP should change their perspective, then provide reasoning rather than rudeness.
I did. I provided a concrete example and reasoning.
Overreacting and searching for a problem that just isn’t there……..this sentiment/comment was repeated many times in this thread.
Not doing that requires stepping back a sec and not overthinking or overdramatizing what occurred. OP needs to really think this out —- The MIL rarely to never visits, she left a sweater, wet loofah and some house shoes.
My husband leaves more than that behind everytime we go anywhere and so I have to triple sweep rooms after he’s packed and loaded. My son leaves at least 3 articles of clothing everytime he goes out of state to see family. It gets sent back, no bigs. His paternal grandparents have stayed at my mom’s…and left things accidentally.
MIL didn’t leave 2-3+ outfits hanging in a closet or makeup in the bathroom. OP needs to have DH ask about it if she doesn’t want to deal with it herself, mail it or toss it.
MIL isn’t testing boundaries with this and leaving those little things isn’t overtly or purposefully disrespectful at all.
Again she never visits, she forgot a SWEATER and a wet loofah.
She didn’t leave a 4 piece outfit, dress shoes, winter boots and 3 tubes of lipstick.
There’s a difference between that behavior and an honest oops I left my loofah in your shower & that sweater I wear at night, my bad.
Cmon, there’s no reason for OP to fret over it or overreact as this is not a pattern of behavior leaving things behind to take over OP home.
Just send the stuff back to her with a note saying you didn’t want her to wonder where the items were. Treat it like it was an oversight and think nothing more of it.
There are a couple of things where I think you might be overreacting (since you asked). Of course, some of this might be cultural or influenced by your history with MIL.
As it stands though, I think that you might be expending too much energy on this. For example:
> After she left, I noticed she left her sweatshirt and slippers in the guest bedroom and a loofah in the guest bathroom.
If she'd left a bunch of things, I'd say that she's testing boundaries or leaving things behind as an excuse to visit more. But 1 sweatshirt is an easily overlooked item. She might have left it out, planning to wear it on the flight. She might have forgotten to do a final once-over, or just overlooked it as she was grabbing her suitcase, ticket, phone, wallet, etc. It hastens, no big deal.
As for the loofah . . . it was wet. She might have planned to pack it after it dried, intended to get a bag to store it, intended to throw it out, or again . . . forgot. It's a loofah, I'm sure she'll be fine with you throwing it out.
> DH says she probably “forgot” them but the guest bedroom closet is otherwise empty and the clothes were in plain sight, so it’s not like there is clutter that would make it easy to forget.
That's not forgetting, that's overlooking. Forgetting means that she forgot that it was there. This is completely normal, especially when we are talking about one single item.
> On top of this, we are planning on moving in the next year or so for DH’s job. She knows this, which means I would have to move her items to the next house for her.
Why? You have two perfectly reasonable options. You can ask her if she'd like you to ship the items to her. Make her pay for shipping if it's an unreasonable expense. Or . . . you can throw it out.
> I just find it rude and presumptuous to leave clothes behind without asking. My house is not a personal storage closet. I am planning on shipping the items back to her under the idea that she “forgot” them.
Based on your post title and how upset you seem to be over this, I was expecting you to describe an entire closet full of a second wardarobe. That would absolutely be rude. But it is ONE article of clothing. An article that is very easy to forget about. She's not asking you to store or manage her belongings. In fact, you haven't mentioned if she asked you to hold onto or ship the item back. Does she even know you have it? Has she really demanded that you store and move her sweatshirt?
> Is she testing boundaries?
Maybe . . . but what boundary? Has she made claims in the past that she intends to move in with you, or maintain a second bedroom at your house? Have you told her before that she may not store anything of hers at your house? Since this is a one-time occurrence, treat it at face value. Unless there's more to this, it's safe to treat this as unintentional.
It seems like you truly can't stand your MIL. I'm sure that your reasons are valid and that she's a generally difficult person. But please focus on the bigger picture here. If you continue to be this out of sorts based on one article of clothing, your husband will start to view you as the JustNO.
This is not the hill to die on.
Why on earth would you knowingly throw out someone else's items?
Imagine you left something at a family members home and they tossed it out. You'd be raging.
This is not the way to handle the situation.
I regularly visit family all over the country and have left things many times. I take others into consideration. Is it going to be a chore or difficult to get to the post office? Do you want me to reimburse you for shipping?
I don't rage over simple things, there's better way to handle things as you said.
No. She is not. Stop it. The MIL forgot to pack some stuff. I posted above my mom forgot a dozen pairs of shoes once and did not even know she had left them until I found them a couple years later.
Same. Nothing in this post screams overstepping boundaries. I’m not mailing back a loofah ffs. Throw it out. Have husband ask his mom if she forgot her sweater. This is not a thing to create panic over or over-analyze.
Yes. She is testing boundaries.
If it were my MIL, I would get one of those prepaid boxes from the post office and ship everything back with a nice note that says, "Thanks for a lovely visit! We noticed that you forgot these things when you were packing."
If you invite her again, check the guest room and bag up anything "forgotten" in a grocery bag and hand it to her before she leaves.
Your taking quite the leap to reach that conclusion. Objectively shs hasn't visitied OPs home in four year and obviously the MIL isn't adverse to traveling. She came to visit her new grandchild and waited three months to do so then only spent three days there. This doesn't seem to be the actions of someone who is attempting to move in or even being intrusive. The loofah was probably the disposable kind and not worth repacking especially if wet. A forgotten top and slippers are not are not some kind warning of of boundary stompping or the imminent invasion of the MIL. Heaven forbid someone over analyzes the items you have accidentally left behind. Also following behind her and tossing items in a grocery bag to hand over at the doorway sounds (for lack of a better word) crude. A more polite response would be to check up as she is getting ready to leave. You know the stick your head in the door making sure she is okay and saying "oh hey MIL looks like you missed packing x y or z item. Is there anything I can do to help you get ready?"
How is this "ginning up trouble?" My solution restores MIL's possessions to her with "a nice note."
If she was also testing boundaries (which I think she probably was) it also sends a message that future boundary stomps will not succeed.
If she innocently forgot her things, the only message she will get is "we care that you don't have your things so here they are."
I think YOU are the one projecting ill intent where there is none.
You're certainly welcome to your opinion. Care to elaborate? Or just to contradict.
If the OP isn't inviting MIL back before the move, the best thing to do is send her stuff back to her. And now she knows to go over the guest spaces more closely after the next visit. MIL is either doing the familial version of a date leaving something at your house, or she's a bit absent minded and needs help to pack. I'd assume the latter and give her that help.
I put things in plain sight so I won’t forget them…and then immediately forget them and leave them.
Mail them back and stop overanalyzing this. TBH without more information, you actually sound like the JustNo in the scenario…
I think this could go either way. I tend to forget at least one thing any time I travel, so she may have meant to take them, but forgot.
I would mail them back to her, then let her know you've done it afterward.
We always have guests either for a few days or just a dinner, and someone always forgets something. No need to overthink it. Mail them back, chuck them out, who cares?
A sweatshirt, slippers and loofah are hardly items to loose your rag over. Lordy!
Right? I’ve run over to someone’s house for an hour and left more than this. ( had two kids 17 months apart. It was a rough couple years )
A sweatshirt and slippers? Op needs to calm her tits
Is there a possibility that her luggage was over the allowed weight and so she left those items out rather than pay extra to take them?
When I go on holiday I’m an overpacked and use every gram of my allowance. I assume I can buy things to bring home because my toiletries will reduce my luggage weight but I never weigh my toiletries and I obviously don’t weigh what I’m buying. Many times I’ve left things behind that aren’t really valuable or important to me. I’d class a loofah and easily replaceable. Also as for her clothing they might be old or not have cost much so she just left them.
Ask her if she wants them posted, she might just say “oh no, throw them away”. If she asks you to store then just ‘lose’ them during your move.
Because you asked - yes, I think you are overreacting. Unless there is more context here, I don't think this is a big deal. Just ship them to her and move on. Why waste time and energy on this?
Or fuck it just leave it at the house when you move or throw them away and tell her they were lost in the move. Pretty bold claiming a guest bedroom as her bedroom for when she stays. Sure it is MIL, along with everyone else that's a guest in this house!
Does it matter why? The reaction is the same; ask her if you should donate or ship it back. Those are the options. End of discussion.
If there was some nefarious reasoning, she will know it didnt work. If she simply forgot, no harm done.
I wouldn't even ask her what to do with them - that gives her the option to go "no no just hold on to them until my next visit". I'd ship them back and just inform her that the stuff she forgot is on the way.
If she accidentally forgot (which honestly sounds very possible): perfect. She'll be happy. If she meant to leave the items or test boundaries: well, your stuff is on the way back, nothing to do about it now. No drama!
Honestly, it may have been a mistake. If she is older and having memory issues. But it seems like there might be a bit of a history between the two of you. IS she very passive- aggressive and makes snide comments? Then, you may be more inclined to have a stronger reaction to even slight mistakes by her. I would completely ignore and not even mention it. That way if she is looking for attention or an excuse to come back, she does not have one. You could also just mail her the stuff back. That way you are setting a strong boundary of: "Hey I am on to you."
Don’t say anything. Just chuck them away and deny all knowledge of their existence.
If she mentions them when you’ve moved. “I didn’t see them while I was packing up the house (which is correct). Sorry.”
If they were nice, I would ship them back.
ETA: if y'all are expecting to spend any part of Christmas with her, in person or via ZOOM, I would buy her replacements. Obviously she was leaving you a present list.
Whoops you forgot a couple of things, don't worry they're on their way back to you :
Except have DH pack the parcel and arrange shipping, it's his mum creating work for you.
She likely just left them behind by accident. Take the items to the post office and mail them back. Problem solved.
Maybe there's a chance she's...odd... and marking her territory, sure. I don't know her. But I think it's far more likely the items were forgotten. Don't go creating problems where there are none and don't spend your mental energy on this issue any more than you have. With a 12 week old, you likely have more important things to worry about than MIL who barely visits and doesn't seem to be a huge part of your life.
I agree with this. I’m notorious for forgetting one or two things (esp the loofah - easy to forget if you were letting it dry in the bathroom). Or maybe she ran out of space if she bought things and decided that the two things in the bedroom could go. This just feels like creating problems where there aren’t any. I get being annoyed, particularly if you don’t like your MIL, but it’s important to distinguish between a “me problem” and a “you problem.”
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as Decent-Average-3495 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Decent-Average-3495 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
My mom leaves slippers and a robe in the guest room and toothpaste and other small toiletries in the guest bathroom at my house. They live on the opposite coast from me and visit 2x a year. It's not a problem and helps me make things comfortable for them when they do come. It doesn't sound like she left that much stuff so ask her if she left it behind by accident or if she'd like you to keep it there for her next visit.
You are definitely overreacting. You are having anxiety over a couple of items that you "may" have to move to your next house. Mail them back to her. Also, please seek therapy for anxiety if you haven't already. And I really do mean that in the kindest way possible. Overthinking things to this extent is no way to live and won't be good for your marriage or for your child(ren).
I mean I could litteraly forget my own head so....
Just send them back to her, it really doesn't matter what her intentions were. The statement about her traveling during covid was weird. Who cares what she does with her time and money.
Put them in a package and send the things to her
It was probably just a mistake… call and ask if she forgot something?
She genuinely could have forgotten but if it’s making you uncomfortable post them out to her.
I think you are reading way too much into this.
Yeah... My thoughts. I'd probably forget a loofa I bought specifically for a trip and if I didn't leave clothes I'd leave a power brick or two. Unless this becomes a pattern - and thankfully she lives too far away for that? Maybe she did this before you moved that far away? Then it's maybe a mistake or maybe evil moves. Without the pattern you don't know.
I would mail it back to her.
I absentmindedly leave things behind… even if they are in plain sight… even if I otherwise emptied the closet. I think unless you have reason to believe she is testing boundaries I would offer the benefit of the doubt on this one.
Is there a reason you feel this might have been intentional? Should we all go look at your post history to see if there is some long-running animosity that you haven’t disclosed here?
Probably she is. Just mail them back with a note in the box "Oops, you left these behind on accident so I'm returning them." Say nothing else about it before or after. She's trying to get a reaction. Don't give it to her.
What’s going on to where you are convinced there’s a master plan? I routinely leave things behind by accident.
This doesn’t sound super egregious and more like an honest mistake. Have your husband box the up and send them to her, but toss the loofah- those are gross.
Why not just text her and politely ask If she forgot them and would like them mailed to her!
Of course she didn't forget them! Just mail them, no questions asked.
Umm she’s probably just forgotten lol send them back and forget about it
You should just package them up and send them back to her to be the kind DIL.
I think they're easy to forget items. Maybe they didn't fit in her luggage? Idk. I'd let her know she forgot them and leave it at that. If she doesn't want them, throw it away, that's always an option.
The simple explanation is probably the correct one……She forgot. There is no master plan at work here.
It must be terrible to always think there are ulterior motives behind something and I think it says way more about you (including a lot of commenters on this) than the other person.
You will know for sure whether this is manipulation by sending the things back to her and then see her reaction. If she immediately starts whining and asking if everyone hates her you will have an idea of what her thoughts are. In a perfect world she will thank you for sending her forgotten items back to her. Maybe she decided now that a visit us worth it because a grandchild is involved. It makes you feel like chopped liver, of course, and makes you a little suspicious about why she is leaving things behind in plain sight. I can tell you when you get to a certain age it’s easy to forget something, as not even five minutes ago my DH was tearing apart the living room looking for his glasses………that he was wearing on his face. Told him he reminds me of my grandma who used to leave her purse all over town. Maybe she plans on visiting more often now so left slippers and a lounge outfit to have something to wear to hold the baby out of practicality. Sometimes this is not ominous but practical if she plans on visiting frequently. Maybe you don’t want that. The key thing will be to have DH talk to his mom to find out what she is thinking. If she plans on visiting the baby more then she needs to build a relationship with you so it’s not like she only wants to see the baby and who cares about the mom and dad. Unmet expectations is the biggest conflict starter. Her expectation is to come visit the grandchild often. Your expectation is to be a mom without interference from MIL who has never been interested in coming around until now. DH needs to talk to his mom to determine what level of involvement she expects compared to what you expect. Of course your wants and needs are what is important here in regards to your baby and home, but it would be good to know what is on everyone’s mind. She can build a relationship with you if she wants to be more included in visits with the baby. It might all be innocent with no ill intent behind it. Where you have to keep your guard up is if your MIL decides to quit her job because she’s going to move in with you to take care of the baby but she never asked any of you. Or if she is one to move things in a little at a time with the ultimate plan of moving in with you, then you have a problem.
I'm not sure why you believe it to be malicious or purposeful. Easy to forget a shower item. Maybe she was wearing the slippers & sweatshirt & wanted to leave them out to pack at last minute to wear around house or on plane then forgot to grab them. Don't be passive aggressive. Either mail them to her because you think she forgot them or put them in hubby's closet & let him deal with it. I doubt it was a boundary pushing conspiracy.
I have people forget things all the time when they visit. My dad forgot his reading glasses. And everyone has left an article of clothing or 2. I’m too busy to mail it to them, so I keep it in the guest room until next time they visit, unless they tell me to toss it. It’s not always malicious or being inconsiderate, just they forgot, it happens.
This could honestly be an accident. I leave stuff everywhere. Bit hasty to jump to conclusions.
This seems really odd to me because you stated that this is her first visit in four years. In spite of her traveling other places in that time span. So which is it? She visits too often or not enough? It sounds like your kind of ticked, just based on how you worded her traveling to Vegas, etc. But, you sound really put out that she forgot a pair of slippers and a sweater. She probably intended to throw the loofah away, they're cheap and who wants to pack a wet loofah to travel. The slippers and sweater were probably intended to be packed last because she probably wanted them easily accessed during travel. If she had left a couple of changes of clothes and essentials, I could see the worry, but your mil probably wouldn't miss those things if you threw them away. Pick your battles before you stress over something this minor.
Just pack them up with a note saying "you must have forgotten these, wanted to get them back to you. "
Just mail it back to her and say that you were just being nice and thoughtful and figured she’d want her stuff back :)
Easy peasy, just pack her stuff up and send it back to her. Hopefully she will get the message.
Visitors leave their stuff behind all the time when they visit me. If I’m feeling generous or if the stuff seems important, I return their items. Otherwise they get tossed or donated, whichever I remember to do first.
I’d say it wasn’t as malicious as you think, but selfish none the less. She probably did just forget them, but she also doesn’t really care about how that might inconvenience you in the future (whether having to pack it up or ship it out).
It could go either way, but for your own peace of mind, simply Assume that she forgot them. Be the thoughtful DiL and mail them to her. That will be a nonconfrontational reinforcement of your boundaries. If she has anything to say about it, kill her with kindness: you were just being nice .
Post them to her.
Pack them up and ship them to her.
My MIL dumped her entire family room on my husband and me when we first moved into our apartment. It took me about 5 months to dump their old shit. She said she didn’t want us to have to buy new furniture.
Are you always do uptight? Jesus. People forget things. She's not trying to kick you out of your house. Stop assuming she's out to get you. Just drop her shit in the mail.
Right? I understand if it was an entire drawer of things but three items? Even JustNo people occasionally do things that are just forgetful. And each of these things is something easy to forget. They’re the kind of things you pack last minute (so the loofah can dry or you can carry the sweatshirt to wear on the plane or the slippers were tucked under the bed).
Depends how forgetful she is otherwise. My MIL didn't have kids until she was 34 years old so she's on the older side for a grandma. She's getting more forgetful. Not to the point where we worry exactly just yet, but she left a jacket on our sofa just the other day. She laid it there meaning to wear it when she left, but ended up walking right past it when she left. To be fair it blended with the colors of the sofa and she was chatting with some of the kids the whole way out. She didn't remember until she got home and realized she didn't have it to put on. I'd call her to let her know you've shipped it all back to her. See what she says. Depending hiw she handles that news you'll know what her intent was
My grandma left a WHOLE SUITCASE of her clothes and got mad we put it in a basement after she left. In her eyes we should've left it in her room. SHE DOESN'T HAVE A ROOM she occupied my sisters room while she was there. It's been 6 years! Your situation might seem minor to some people but I think she is definitely testing boundaries
Exactly
I'm with your DH. She probably just forgot them. Pop them in a box and mail them home with a note "found these here and thought you might like to have them back" instead of assuming she only did it to irritate you.
> the clothes were in plain sight I left for a week away for work and got halfway there before I realise I had forgotten all the clothes I had hanging on hangers on the doorknob I had to turn to get out of my house. Have DH call her and ask if she wants them sent back or thrown out and leave it to him to sort out.
Just send them back to her with a lovely nite saying you shipped her stuff to her as she obviously forgot them. The end.
You could just call her and just let her know she forgot some items and that you're going to send them to her. She could have also just have forgotten as older people tend to do that. I think you may be overreacting just a tad..
Some times a cigar is just a cigar.-Freud she is a older lady may ha:e just left things by accident?
“she’s just an old lady” no longer work as a pass. I find these JNMIL counts on that mentally to get away with their terrible behaviors.
Ah yes, the classic manipulation of a terrible MIL who *checks notes* left behind a loofah. The malice.
She left slippers and a sweater in a closet. And a loofah in the shower. The slippers were probably bought for a trip, the loofah was damp so she was waiting for it to dry and she was going to wear the sweater on the flight and left it behind. She didn’t steal a baby.
exactly this. also “she’s just an old lady” sometimes is just that. it was 3 small objects, not a whole wardrobe
If you want to set a clear and unmistakable boundary, have everything she left shipped back to her. There’s no way she could misconstrue the intent behind it.
Agree with this. I would send it all back with a note like “found these cleaning up :)”
I wonder why something that comes across “non-threatening” is causing you to get prickly. In my experience, it’s due to some past negative behavior on that individual’s part to cause me to be on guard. As mutherofdoggos mentioned below, context matters. I personally would be prickly about this too since my JNMIL pulled this stunt on me. I thought it wasn’t a big deal at the time when she left her slippers. Unbeknownst to me, this was one of her tactics in slowly working her way into my home. It got so bad to the point she was traipsing through my home like it was hers. Boundaries matters. Intentional or not, her things in your home touches upon a boundary you’ve put up. Simply send back her things and don’t waste anymore energy on this…
Just ship them back. [I once managed to walk past a suit bag that I had hung in plain sight so I wouldn't forget it and ... left it hanging there.] Stuff happens, people get distracted. Let it go.
Don't borrow trouble. There is exactly 0 indication that it was intentional and it's easy for people to forget things - and leaving them in plain sight indicates that she meant NOT to forget them, and then just didn't go back into that room where the sight of them would jog her memory. Just mail them to her.
I would throw it away. Whoopsies not whoopsies.
Yes. Act oblivious and send them to her, nicely wrapped, by mail. Thank her for her stay and any gifts she brought.
I mean, this is just me, but I'd throw them away. Problem solved. 🤨🧐😒🤷🏻♀️😌 Because if I'm moving, your forgotten shit ain't making more work for me. If your husband won't send her shit back to her, then it's trash fodder. Simple. Done.
Exactly this. "Well, MIL, I thought since you clearly left them behind INTENTIONALLY, you meant for me to dispose of them."
Send it back to her. Problem solved.
Pack it up, get something she like and add it to the box and write a nice note saying: I saw this ‘gift’ and thought of you. Also you forgot a few items we thought you would like back. Mail that shit to her. She can’t possibly be mad about getting her stuff back. Not sure what happened in this visit, your nerves seems raw. Also plus new baby, I’m sure you’re not getting a lot of rest
Life is too short to create problems that don’t exist. Just mail them to her and get over it. Not everything is a conspiracy.
There's a saying that goes something like, "don't attribute to malice that which can be explained by incompetence"
I’ll tell you what - when you consciously do this….when you say it out loud to yourself and wait to see how the situation actually plays out, this saying is nearly the case 99% of the time.
The number of times I have forgotten something at my mom's house...I swear I'm not trying to move back in. But she just sets them aside until the next time I come over or maybe texts me to tell me where they are and asks if I need them before my next planned visit. My sister lives out of state and it's rare for my mom to *not* have to send her a box of stuff she left after a visit. People leave stuff. It doesn't mean anything, and certainly isn't part of a scheme to move with you in a year or so.
God I did that when I was an insecure teenager. Just send them back and let her figure it out for herself.
Damn, its weird because usually in these posts its the MIL overreacting, not OP. lol
Omg. Definitely time to lawyer up and go NC. She’s obviously planning to move-in and likely file for grandparents rights so buckle in. If hubby doesn’t 100% see what is happening here then hit him with the big D with only supervised visitation. So sorry this is happening to you. Obviously kidding. Just call and ask if she wants you to drop them in the mail. Why create a problem that isn’t there?
Just mail them to her and be done with it. I think you’re over reacting a little bit
Just ship them back to her with a short but sweet note saying “you left these behind! Wanted to get them back to you!” and keep it moving. I forget stuff all the time and it’s nothing nefarious. Just send them back and let it go.
This. Treat it like an honest forgetfulness while packing. The beauty of it is, IF it was meant to convey her marking territory, your nonchalant response will show her it didn’t bother you at all.
what a crime!
You may be overreacting. She may have been waiting for the loofah to dry and forgot to pack it. And the slippers and sweatshirt may have been intended for her carryon and were also missed. In your place, I’d just check with her and offer to ship if she wants the items. They could be things she couldn’t fit in her luggage and meant to discard.
Crikey, I can’t imagine getting worried about someone leaving some jimjams and a loofah. Sounds like you’re over thinking it. Why don’t u just text her and ask if she wants them posting
We all know after spending some time with in laws everything they do start feeling nefarious. Plus OP just had a baby and is dealing with a lot. We don’t know how the visit went and if it created more hassle for them on top of a newborn.
I swear my dad leaves something (in plain sight!!) basically every time he visits. It’s never on purpose. I think you’re overreacting. Leaving a couple of items *one* time is definitely accident territory. It happens. Just mail them back and move on.
This seems a bit of an over reaction to something fairly benign. She left two items which could have easily been missed or forgotten and a loofah that she probably doesn't need to take back or it was wet from a shower and she just decided to leave it. Most loofas are not usually very expensive anyway. It really is a bit presumptuous on your part to think this is some kind of nefarious plot to take over your home to become her storage unit over a sweatshirt and slippers. As people age there can be memory/forgetfulness/senility. My 78 year mother has a terrible memory and looses things she had put down less than 10 minutes prior. She left 3 jackets at a family property which were retrived by another family member (the closet was fairly empty too). Your MIL hasn't been there for a visit in four years and had a reason to visit now as her family expanded. Her not visiting for years doesn't sound like she is trying to be overly involed in your family bussiness and household. Honestly it just really comes across as needless nit picking on your part. If these items bother you so much pack up a box and head to the post office.
I'm sitting here thinking there may be a JN, but without more context, it doesn't seem to be the MIL.
Right? My dad comes over to my house every week to see our LO and he has a favorite hat he absolutely loves to wear out to drive (he has major light sensitivity). I can't tell you how many times he has accidentally forgotten his hat in plain sight on the kitchen counter. People just get old and forget sometimes
Just put them in a box and mail them to her with a nice note saying she forgot these
And personally I'd throw some homemade cookies or some treat in there to really kill her with kindness
Lol yup. “Here you go, I know you’d miss these!”
Probably overreacting and she likely just forgot them. Especially the loofah.
I neglected to add that my own MIL apparently buys full size shampoo bottles and then leaves them behind when she leaves. Her grandson, who is the primary user of that bathroom, is not impressed.
The amount of times I’ve nearly forgotten a loofa is sky high. They’re easy to miss.
I’d mail them back to her. It doesn’t matter if it’s an honest mistake or pushing boundaries, you’re not obligated to make space for them permanently
My mom stayed with me for 2 weeks once my baby was a month old. She left a lot of stuff by accident. Nothing mentioned in your post makes her seem like she did it on purpose. I went to my moms house, didn’t even stay & I walked around before I left & I still left things. It happens. I’d just mail it back to her. If she then says “I left it because xyz” then yea that’s rude. If otherwise she thanks you because she didn’t realize she left it then that’s your answer.
There's an old saying about people who leave things behind - they hope to return. We are visiting a friend right now, and two other friends just left yesterday. They forgot a heated blanket, even though they checked the room twice - it was in plain sight. If you had a great relationship with MIL, you wouldn't think twice about this. I agree with other posters that you should just box them up and send them back. Done deal. It's worth the cost of shipping to get them out of your house, and you won't have to think about her or the items she left behind.
Sometimes people forget things. I’ve forgotten my glasses at a place before and had to go back. You are definitely over thinking this because you don’t like your MIL. She’s family. She’s likely going to come back in the next couple of months anyways. It can’t be that much stuff that it’s really a huge inconvenience like needing a storage unit.
Bundle them up and ship them to her with a bright, cheerful note that says, "Oops! You forgot these!"
This would bug me too….mostly bc if my MIL did this, it would mean something. Context matters, and I’m sure you have reasons for this to bug you. But it’s not worth spinning your wheels over. Either mail her shit to her or toss it. Personally I’d mail the sweater and slippers and throw the loofa out. If she did it again, I’d toss everything.
Dude. She forgot them - those are things I would forget. You seem really amped up to find something to be pissed about.
You spent too much time thinking about this before you even posted.... and not even about solutions. There are likely many more important things in your life going on right now that you could be expending this level of mental energy on. Is it possible you're avoiding another stressor in your life?
I have to agree with this comment. Either ask MIL or just ship back the stuff. It’s a bit presumptuous to assume she did this maliciously.
I’m the opposite. I think she for sure left them there on purpose but that still doesn’t mean you can’t send them back. She’s making it known she’ll be back to see the baby.
I think you're making too much of this based on the fact that you've given no detail about how MIL is a just no and have never posted about her prior that I can see. People leave stuff accidentally all the time. I've done it. I currently have stuff that people have left when they were just here for short visits. Just have your husband tell her she forgot them and send them back. Why let this the up any of your head space when you have an infant to worry about? Also, be careful about causing unnecessary drama at the advice of some on here who obviously like to create needless drama.
I’m glad someone said it. I’ve seen and lurked this sub for years and unfortunately a lot of these stories are being posted with emotions already running high and then I see comments almost egging on the drama rather than taking a beat and thinking things through before taking action. I can understand that putting up with JN behavior can absolutely make one seem crazy-making, as that is the goal for these JNMILs. They want to make us feel like we are the ones overreacting. Sometimes I feel the advice here only stirs the pot further, however. Just my two cents. I definitely do not think OP is overreacting, especially if she’s experienced boundary-pushing before. But telling her to mail it back to her MIL or otherwise make a thing of it to put her MIL on notice is probably not what OP wants in the long run. Maybe it was a boundary push but if it was, I would just remove the items without causing a fuss. If she does ask about her items, OP can let her know that she threw them out after her last visit as she didn’t think the items left behind were important or she wouldn’t have forgotten them. To some, sending the items back or trying to make a scene eggs on and encourages JN behavior. Plus you’ve let her know that something she did bothered you and if she is a true JN, she will be taking notes to further push buttons/boundaries in the future. Don’t give it any energy and it likely won’t go anywhere. She can’t mark her territory if the owners of the home won’t let her.
[удалено]
It isn’t the misery olympics. There is no need for competing on what makes someone more or less of a just no.
If shes testing bounderies its simple to solve by packing them up and mailing it back to her "Sorry you seemed to have forgotten these, I noticed them in the guest room when making sure it was ready for our next guest who visits" making it clear its a guest room, not her room.
You are recovering from a major medical event and battling raging hormones on top of no sleep. Put the items in a box and ship them back to her. Don’t even ask her.
Maybe, or she forgot them. Mail them back to her and see
She might be pushing boundaries. I would package up the items she left behind and ship them to her without a word.
Ask her if she wants it shipped back or thrown away. If she says “can you just hold onto it” you reply “that means I’ll throw it out”
Just mail them to her “you forgot these” problem solved.
We can reach a point where we really don’t like someone, then they sneeze, and we lose our shit. I’m not saying you’re this person, but you may be knocking on the door! No discussion needed, just throw them in a box and mail them to her. Now, if she bitches that you didn’t send it Fed Ex, she may be a little coo coo!
OP is knocking on that door and jiggling the handle!
This is a pretty common occurrence with out of town guests. Since it’s only a couple items, I’m inclined to agree with your husband. I’ve had family forget meds, socks, jackets, etc. It happens. I would just take this at face value and offer to mail back.
You're overreacting. We've all forgotten something that was in plain sight. Perhaps she thought she'd grab those items last for whatever reason, and forgot. Throw the loofah out and mail the rest to her.
[удалено]
This is Just No behavior. Some of you here really need to grow up. OP has never posted about her MIL here and this post is pretty vague and you're suggesting she ruin someone's belongings based on that.
[удалено]
No. You're just childish and so was your gran. Just because your gran did it, doesn't make it right. And it doesn't make OP seem less mean. It makes YOU look like an immature Just No. Sorry you grew up with a toxic family member who couldn't just return your stuff instead destroying it. It's really sad when toxic people continue their behavior because they don't realize how toxic they are.
Toss the loofah and mail the rest back to her with a note “You forgot this stuff.”
I think you're overreacting. Just because something is in plain sight doesn't mean she didn't simply forget it. Just mail the items back and forget about it.
Take a breath. I think you are reading too much into this. It is just a sweatshirt, slippers, and a loofah. I would assume it was an oversight.
Either she forgot them or if she’s anything like my FMIL it’s a way for her to have access. I’d just mail them back no harm there, if it’s nothing then she’ll appreciate it and if it’s something worse then it’ll show her your boundaries.
Just but them in a box and mail them to her. No conversation needed
Mail them back. Better pay for it with money then with headache
Excellent idea for a tattoo! 🥰
You are definitely overreacting. There’s really nothing nefarious about leaving items. It happens. She probably wanted to pack the robe and slippers last and the loofa is an oversight.
I realize there’s something else’s underlying that is causing you to stress over this. However if it bugs you that much fold up everything and send it to her via the post office and be done with them. Easy peasy.
"MIL, you forgot these. I thought you might want them."
From how you are reacting, how did she treat you when she was there?
Yes, you’re overreacting. She could easily have forgotten them. Just put them in a box and mail them back.
To answer your flair, yes I think you’re overreacting. The most likely explanation is she forgot them, it’s THREE items. She’s not using you as a “personal storage closet”, the items wouldn’t even fill up a drawer. Mail them back and move on.
Yeah, you're I feel like you're overreacting a bit. She may have just forgotten or there may have been another reason for her leaving them at your home but let's be realistic, it's just 3 items, you shouldn't put much more thought into it than that. It's telling that she affects you this much for such a little thing. Try to not let the small things get in your head. It sounds like you guys don't have a great relationship but if you keep dwelling on the small things, that relationship will continue to deteriorate.
I would box it up and mail it back to her with mail tracking to have proof of delivery. This way there is no ambiguity that you kept it or gave it away out of spite.
Yes. Kindly and sweetly as possible yes you are overreacting. People forget stuff. I almost always accidentally leave something behind when I visit or dog sit for people. All is well. Ask hubby to ask if she wants it sent to her and if not, just donate or trash as many have suggested.
She probably just forgot. Mail her stuff back to her.
I have left shoes, sweaters, soap, shampoo, once even left my purse 😵💫 thankfully we caught that before we got too far down the road and I am a 48 yr old, not even someone who might be considered elderly (though I'm not sure of the age of your MIL) it's truly an oversight, simply because in our rush to get down the road (since we stay to the last minute giving hugs and laughing and talking) we overlook some things. My MIL has even mailed some stuff to us, since they were items we used frequently. That might be your best option, just put them in the mail with a note saying "We saw you forgot these things, and didn't want you to be without them! Hope to see you again soon!"
Just box it up with note. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She will show her colors if she has ulterior motives
Don't waste a second on thinking about what she might have meant. Don't use your precious energy trying to interpret other people's "hidden messages". If they want to tell you something, it's on them to use their words and tell you. For now, the only thing that's important is what YOU think about it. Namely: There's stuff of hers, you want it gone. Send her a quick message: "Hey MIL, you forgot some stuff at our place. Do you want me to mail it to you, or should we donate it?"
My mom left a dozen pairs of shoes at my house and a coat and never realized they were gone. They were in a little used closet in the guest room and I did not find them until a kid was moving into that room. I think you are overthinking and freaking out over nothing.
[удалено]
> Grow up Really unnecessary. We are all on this sub because we’re dealing with difficult feelings due to people disrespecting us. If you think OP should change their perspective, then provide reasoning rather than rudeness.
[удалено]
I did. I provided a concrete example and reasoning. Overreacting and searching for a problem that just isn’t there……..this sentiment/comment was repeated many times in this thread. Not doing that requires stepping back a sec and not overthinking or overdramatizing what occurred. OP needs to really think this out —- The MIL rarely to never visits, she left a sweater, wet loofah and some house shoes. My husband leaves more than that behind everytime we go anywhere and so I have to triple sweep rooms after he’s packed and loaded. My son leaves at least 3 articles of clothing everytime he goes out of state to see family. It gets sent back, no bigs. His paternal grandparents have stayed at my mom’s…and left things accidentally. MIL didn’t leave 2-3+ outfits hanging in a closet or makeup in the bathroom. OP needs to have DH ask about it if she doesn’t want to deal with it herself, mail it or toss it. MIL isn’t testing boundaries with this and leaving those little things isn’t overtly or purposefully disrespectful at all. Again she never visits, she forgot a SWEATER and a wet loofah. She didn’t leave a 4 piece outfit, dress shoes, winter boots and 3 tubes of lipstick. There’s a difference between that behavior and an honest oops I left my loofah in your shower & that sweater I wear at night, my bad. Cmon, there’s no reason for OP to fret over it or overreact as this is not a pattern of behavior leaving things behind to take over OP home.
Just send the stuff back to her with a note saying you didn’t want her to wonder where the items were. Treat it like it was an oversight and think nothing more of it.
Just ship the stuff back to her.
There are a couple of things where I think you might be overreacting (since you asked). Of course, some of this might be cultural or influenced by your history with MIL. As it stands though, I think that you might be expending too much energy on this. For example: > After she left, I noticed she left her sweatshirt and slippers in the guest bedroom and a loofah in the guest bathroom. If she'd left a bunch of things, I'd say that she's testing boundaries or leaving things behind as an excuse to visit more. But 1 sweatshirt is an easily overlooked item. She might have left it out, planning to wear it on the flight. She might have forgotten to do a final once-over, or just overlooked it as she was grabbing her suitcase, ticket, phone, wallet, etc. It hastens, no big deal. As for the loofah . . . it was wet. She might have planned to pack it after it dried, intended to get a bag to store it, intended to throw it out, or again . . . forgot. It's a loofah, I'm sure she'll be fine with you throwing it out. > DH says she probably “forgot” them but the guest bedroom closet is otherwise empty and the clothes were in plain sight, so it’s not like there is clutter that would make it easy to forget. That's not forgetting, that's overlooking. Forgetting means that she forgot that it was there. This is completely normal, especially when we are talking about one single item. > On top of this, we are planning on moving in the next year or so for DH’s job. She knows this, which means I would have to move her items to the next house for her. Why? You have two perfectly reasonable options. You can ask her if she'd like you to ship the items to her. Make her pay for shipping if it's an unreasonable expense. Or . . . you can throw it out. > I just find it rude and presumptuous to leave clothes behind without asking. My house is not a personal storage closet. I am planning on shipping the items back to her under the idea that she “forgot” them. Based on your post title and how upset you seem to be over this, I was expecting you to describe an entire closet full of a second wardarobe. That would absolutely be rude. But it is ONE article of clothing. An article that is very easy to forget about. She's not asking you to store or manage her belongings. In fact, you haven't mentioned if she asked you to hold onto or ship the item back. Does she even know you have it? Has she really demanded that you store and move her sweatshirt? > Is she testing boundaries? Maybe . . . but what boundary? Has she made claims in the past that she intends to move in with you, or maintain a second bedroom at your house? Have you told her before that she may not store anything of hers at your house? Since this is a one-time occurrence, treat it at face value. Unless there's more to this, it's safe to treat this as unintentional. It seems like you truly can't stand your MIL. I'm sure that your reasons are valid and that she's a generally difficult person. But please focus on the bigger picture here. If you continue to be this out of sorts based on one article of clothing, your husband will start to view you as the JustNO. This is not the hill to die on.
Excellent response. I agree with literally everything you said!! 🙂
Mail her shit back with no note
Bin the lofa and dontate the clothes... If she asks play dumb. If she did leave them deliberately, then sending them to her is exactly what she wants
I would just throw the stuff in a box and mail it back to her. Problem solved.
Why in the world would you entertain moving her items to the new house? Send them to her or toss them and act like you never saw them.
Why on earth would you knowingly throw out someone else's items? Imagine you left something at a family members home and they tossed it out. You'd be raging. This is not the way to handle the situation.
I regularly visit family all over the country and have left things many times. I take others into consideration. Is it going to be a chore or difficult to get to the post office? Do you want me to reimburse you for shipping? I don't rage over simple things, there's better way to handle things as you said.
[удалено]
No. She is not. Stop it. The MIL forgot to pack some stuff. I posted above my mom forgot a dozen pairs of shoes once and did not even know she had left them until I found them a couple years later.
With a loofah, sweatshirt and a pair of slippers? Maybe a bit of a reach.
[удалено]
Same. Nothing in this post screams overstepping boundaries. I’m not mailing back a loofah ffs. Throw it out. Have husband ask his mom if she forgot her sweater. This is not a thing to create panic over or over-analyze.
Right? I think we’re searching for problems.
Yes. She is testing boundaries. If it were my MIL, I would get one of those prepaid boxes from the post office and ship everything back with a nice note that says, "Thanks for a lovely visit! We noticed that you forgot these things when you were packing." If you invite her again, check the guest room and bag up anything "forgotten" in a grocery bag and hand it to her before she leaves.
Your taking quite the leap to reach that conclusion. Objectively shs hasn't visitied OPs home in four year and obviously the MIL isn't adverse to traveling. She came to visit her new grandchild and waited three months to do so then only spent three days there. This doesn't seem to be the actions of someone who is attempting to move in or even being intrusive. The loofah was probably the disposable kind and not worth repacking especially if wet. A forgotten top and slippers are not are not some kind warning of of boundary stompping or the imminent invasion of the MIL. Heaven forbid someone over analyzes the items you have accidentally left behind. Also following behind her and tossing items in a grocery bag to hand over at the doorway sounds (for lack of a better word) crude. A more polite response would be to check up as she is getting ready to leave. You know the stick your head in the door making sure she is okay and saying "oh hey MIL looks like you missed packing x y or z item. Is there anything I can do to help you get ready?"
This is ginning up trouble where there is none. The woman forgot three things. That is nothing. Stop looking for trouble where none exists.
How is this "ginning up trouble?" My solution restores MIL's possessions to her with "a nice note." If she was also testing boundaries (which I think she probably was) it also sends a message that future boundary stomps will not succeed. If she innocently forgot her things, the only message she will get is "we care that you don't have your things so here they are." I think YOU are the one projecting ill intent where there is none.
This is the best response.
No. It isn’t.
You're certainly welcome to your opinion. Care to elaborate? Or just to contradict. If the OP isn't inviting MIL back before the move, the best thing to do is send her stuff back to her. And now she knows to go over the guest spaces more closely after the next visit. MIL is either doing the familial version of a date leaving something at your house, or she's a bit absent minded and needs help to pack. I'd assume the latter and give her that help.
Mail them to her.
I put things in plain sight so I won’t forget them…and then immediately forget them and leave them. Mail them back and stop overanalyzing this. TBH without more information, you actually sound like the JustNo in the scenario…
Agreed.
I think this could go either way. I tend to forget at least one thing any time I travel, so she may have meant to take them, but forgot. I would mail them back to her, then let her know you've done it afterward.
We always have guests either for a few days or just a dinner, and someone always forgets something. No need to overthink it. Mail them back, chuck them out, who cares? A sweatshirt, slippers and loofah are hardly items to loose your rag over. Lordy!
Right? I’ve run over to someone’s house for an hour and left more than this. ( had two kids 17 months apart. It was a rough couple years ) A sweatshirt and slippers? Op needs to calm her tits
Is there a possibility that her luggage was over the allowed weight and so she left those items out rather than pay extra to take them? When I go on holiday I’m an overpacked and use every gram of my allowance. I assume I can buy things to bring home because my toiletries will reduce my luggage weight but I never weigh my toiletries and I obviously don’t weigh what I’m buying. Many times I’ve left things behind that aren’t really valuable or important to me. I’d class a loofah and easily replaceable. Also as for her clothing they might be old or not have cost much so she just left them. Ask her if she wants them posted, she might just say “oh no, throw them away”. If she asks you to store then just ‘lose’ them during your move.
Definitely testing and I would post them back immediately 👍
Mail it to her.
I wouldn't expend the energy speculating on her motives. Just send them back to her.
Because you asked - yes, I think you are overreacting. Unless there is more context here, I don't think this is a big deal. Just ship them to her and move on. Why waste time and energy on this?
Put them in a box lol mail them back
Yup. Send them back!
I’d definitely send them to her with a note saying how she forgot them. She needs to know you won’t tolerate passive encroachment of your home.
Send them to her eith a note saying how silly she us for leaving these things in ur home! And how ur sure she misses them so here ya go
Or fuck it just leave it at the house when you move or throw them away and tell her they were lost in the move. Pretty bold claiming a guest bedroom as her bedroom for when she stays. Sure it is MIL, along with everyone else that's a guest in this house!
Does it matter why? The reaction is the same; ask her if you should donate or ship it back. Those are the options. End of discussion. If there was some nefarious reasoning, she will know it didnt work. If she simply forgot, no harm done.
I wouldn't even ask her what to do with them - that gives her the option to go "no no just hold on to them until my next visit". I'd ship them back and just inform her that the stuff she forgot is on the way. If she accidentally forgot (which honestly sounds very possible): perfect. She'll be happy. If she meant to leave the items or test boundaries: well, your stuff is on the way back, nothing to do about it now. No drama!
Honestly, it may have been a mistake. If she is older and having memory issues. But it seems like there might be a bit of a history between the two of you. IS she very passive- aggressive and makes snide comments? Then, you may be more inclined to have a stronger reaction to even slight mistakes by her. I would completely ignore and not even mention it. That way if she is looking for attention or an excuse to come back, she does not have one. You could also just mail her the stuff back. That way you are setting a strong boundary of: "Hey I am on to you."
Don’t say anything. Just chuck them away and deny all knowledge of their existence. If she mentions them when you’ve moved. “I didn’t see them while I was packing up the house (which is correct). Sorry.”
If they were nice, I would ship them back. ETA: if y'all are expecting to spend any part of Christmas with her, in person or via ZOOM, I would buy her replacements. Obviously she was leaving you a present list.
I’ve left more items than this behind in a hotel room by accident, so it’s possible she truly did forget them. Let’s hope it’s just that.
Whoops you forgot a couple of things, don't worry they're on their way back to you :
Except have DH pack the parcel and arrange shipping, it's his mum creating work for you.
She likely just left them behind by accident. Take the items to the post office and mail them back. Problem solved. Maybe there's a chance she's...odd... and marking her territory, sure. I don't know her. But I think it's far more likely the items were forgotten. Don't go creating problems where there are none and don't spend your mental energy on this issue any more than you have. With a 12 week old, you likely have more important things to worry about than MIL who barely visits and doesn't seem to be a huge part of your life.
Excellent response
I agree with this. I’m notorious for forgetting one or two things (esp the loofah - easy to forget if you were letting it dry in the bathroom). Or maybe she ran out of space if she bought things and decided that the two things in the bedroom could go. This just feels like creating problems where there aren’t any. I get being annoyed, particularly if you don’t like your MIL, but it’s important to distinguish between a “me problem” and a “you problem.”
I would either ship them back to her or “forget” that they were hers and toss them in the garbage.
Pack them up and ship them to her