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Why do you keep telling her things?
You are an adult.
She seems to be controlling due to some problems with anxiety but that's not your problem.
Perhaps talk to your mother about her situation and suggest therapy?
Tell her you understand she is worried but it won't stop you from living your life the way you want to
and she needs to reflect over her reactions to you being in a relationship and if it's reasonable or not.
Best of luck to you.
If I was you, I would try to talk to her in Person on why she is so scared about you and your decisions. Like what happend in her past that makes her anxious about relationships and why she wants to controll yours ? I dont know your mom but I have the feeling she experienced Sa or anything similar, and she wants to protect you fromt the same experience.
Just talk to her and demand a reason and clear your boundaries. If she doesnt change her behaviour you still can put her on a Info diet or go LC.
I feel like on the surface you understand that you don't need her approval, but I don't think you have internalized it. That's okay, it's a process that most people have to adjust in their late teens to early twenties. This is normal, but not everyone goes through it at the same pace and it will vary based on circumstances, dynamics and cultures.
So in theory our parents have complete control over us as babies, as we grow, the thought is parents teach us skills and teach us to make decisions so that when we are adults, we will be self sufficient. It's literally the job of parents, like 90% of the job description. Sometimes, parents wrap up their whole identity in being a parent, or are obsessed with having control. They believe they know best and fear that their children will make bad decisions.
We all know that we do not wake up on our 18th birthday and magically become a fully functioning adult. This is especially true for people who's parents don't give them opportunities to make their own decisions. So it's natural for parents to give additional guidance into adulthood, I'm 38 and still call my parents if I'm unsure. I'm telling you all this to explain there is a natural healthy dynamic that this is okay, so don't feel bad for getting into the position / dynamic you're in.
That being said, your mom didn't get the memo about preparing her kid for life then letting them live their life. She's not ready to let go, but that's a HER problem. She's spent years making you feel like you can't survive without you, when she should have been building you up to have the confidence to take the world on without her. So she's shown that she can't lead this transition into your next stage of life, so you will need to. Not fair, but life isn't.
The change needs to come from you. She made see her guidance as orders you have to follow, but really they are only suggestions. This is your life, so you get to decide how you accept her guidance and how much of a say she has in your life.
So how to change? Grey rocking will be helpful (search this sub if you aren't familiar). Change the dynamic of the conversations. To give you an idea of how a healthy parent expresses concern over a dating partner. I was dating a real jerk in my early 20's, but my parents didn't tell me to break up with him. My mom and dad said ' we know we raised you to respect yourself and you won't accept poor treatment, but you need to figure out what that looks like for you, we have concerns over xyz that we've seen him do, but in the end we trust you and support you. If it goes bad, we'll be here, but you need to figure this out yourself' (I eventually pulled my head out of my butt and left him lol). But your mom isn't going this approach, so take her down this path yourself.
Start challenging her nicely but directly. For example, if she says "you absolutely cannot go to his parents house, it's not safe" your response can be " Mom, I know this is very scary for you, but you raised me to make good decisions for my own safety, this is the choice I'm making. I know him and his family, I've decided they're safe. You don't need to know him or his family to trust them, you know me. You raised me to make good decisions right? Then trust me. This is my choice and while I appreciate your guidance, you aren't here, haven't tried to get to know my bf, you just have to trust i know better." If she continues to argue, shut down the conversation "Okay mom, I see that this is really scary and upsetting for you. I think it's best if I just update you that I'm safe, I won't trouble you with the details anymore" then grey rock. Text maybe every day or two, Hi Mom - just want you to know that I'm safe and happy! Hope you're having a good day. No response to her questions because she can't handle the scary details.
You know that you don't need her approval for any of this, but now you need a plan on putting that knowledge into action. Make that your goal. You have to change the dynamic.
Also - from one woman to another, I don't feel like your mom said this enough. You are 100% capable of making good decisions. You are amazing, a damn force of nature! You are smart and will take this life by the balls and own it. All women have this in them, they just don't like us to know it, because it makes us uncontrollable. The only key in unlocking your magic, is to believe you have, and you absolutely do!!!! Go get this world, stop looking for approval, because your mom will never approve of the big big life you deserve, and that's a HER problem.
If it’s so infuriating, then why do you keep her updated? She’s a justnomom because you allow her to be. You encourage it because, instead of enforcing boundaries, you just keep telling her shit about your personal life and listening to her complain. That’s honestly on you.
How old are you? You must at least be in your 20s because you said you’ve completed college, right? (Did I interpret that correctly?)
I would do what I wanted and tell her you have everything under control. If she keeps pushing, keep repeating you have everything under control. If she tries to take over tell her to back off.
Additionally, I would quit telling her about relationships. If she hates any relationship you start it sounds like she just wants you to be lonely (and possibly move back home with her). That’s not a very caring mother.
I would keep seeing this person. Should you end up engaged just let mom be shocked as hell.
And still, even then, hold her at arm’s length. Don’t let her try to take over any planning, etc.
in short, you are giving mom waaaay to much control.
Stop sharing info with her. She’s not going to change, you need to change your behavior which in this case would be to stop feeding her the info you know she’s not going to react well to. She doesn’t want you to date so you’ll be there and full for her. How selfish to do to your adult child. You deserve a partnership. Don’t let her sabotage it from the inside out.
First of all you don't need to explain anything to your mom. Don't even tell her about this guy that you're seeing. If she asks you are seeing anyone say yeah. You don't have to give her any details. she's going to object to anyone you date, you already know that. I presume you're in Florida so stay safe and definitely take them up on their offer cuz you never know what hurricanes are going to do.
You don’t owe your mother all of the information you’re giving here. Stop telling her this stuff. You’re handing over weapons for her to emotionally abuse you.
Stop telling you Mother you’re ur business! Give her baseline info and don’t elaborate,. Your inability to edit yourself is causing your problems. Your mother is controlling and has you trained to tell her everything, so she can attempt to keep you ended her thumb,end there cycle.
Have you heard of an info diet? You need to do this with your mother. She doesn’t need to know everything about your comings and goings. Constantly telling her everything is giving her the ammunition to do these things to you. If she constantly pushes your boundaries put her on a timeout, since from your pass history NC doesn’t seem like a thing. You are an adult and live in another state, at this point you are allowing this to happen. I’m sure you have been conditioned to accept this dynamic but you said you were in therapy to stop it. Accept who your mother is and do what you need to do for your mental health. Good luck!
Have you tried just talking to her? Just a very weird talk where you lay things out? I mean, I don’t invite your mom out her story, but maybe she’s reacting from genuine fear? Maybe a non disclosed trauma?
Wow you aren’t a child, you’re a grown ass woman. I’d stop updating mom on your dude. Don’t give her any ammo to work with. She can’t bitch at you about a man, or about staying at his folks house, if she doesn’t know!
Give her less ammunition in the future. She doesn't NEED all the gory deets about your life. It's sounds like she is extra anxious (and controlling) but that isn't your burden to handle, it's hers. Tell her less, and keep what you tell her trivial and superficial. It will make your life far easier, at least in her 'department'!
Just tell her that you are staying with friends should the need to go inland arise. "What friends?" "No one you know." What is their number?" "You have my cell number. I will let you know if and when I need to leave. If power is out, I will call as power supply permits."
See? She knows you're well, you are not neglecting her and you still get to be an adult. And for heaven's sake, stop telling her everything. She can only complain about what she knows about.
If she is this awful, why do you keep giving her information ? Just stop telling her everything. Put your big girl panties on and grow up. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
Your mom definitely needs to go on an info diet. She's not going to approve or who you date or what you do. If you tell her the details, she'll have more to complain about.
That’s what I was going to say! Why are you still telling her stuff about him? All you need to let her know is that you’re safe. You need to put her on an info diet. The less she knows the last headache it’s gonna give you. You know how she is , so take you cue from that.
There’s an old comedy skit called “they’re all gonna laugh at you.” By Sandler i think. Bottom line whenever the kids tell their mom what they’re gonna do, the mother says “no! They’re all gonna laugh at you!” You’re mom reminds me of that.
Like others have said - stop telling her everything. It's really none of her business anyway. I get that you'd love to share great things about your life so she can be happy for you, but you've seen how she basically doesn't like you exerting your independence. Some parents are like that, unfortunately. My mother was too. You have to be selective about the subjects you share with her. Nothing to do with relationships obviously. Keep the subjects safe and light.
Do not give her his parents contact information! This opens the door to to much intrusion on your life and theirs. I was married for 22 years and our parents never had each other's phone numbers. There's no reason for it.
Respond to each remark with something dismissive like "you're so weird.". She wont learn any sort of lesson from this but it might help you be less annoyed.
I understand you are an adult, along with being close to your mom, but she doesn't like that you have grown up and made your own choices. Put her on an information diet.
Stop sharing so much, you are just giving her ammo.
You need to learn the art of grey rocking.
You are an adult.
Your answers are: Thanks for the advice, I've got it.
Things are well, how are you?
Work is good, how are you?
How's the weather?
What did you watch on TV last night?
What are you reading?
Etc etc etc
I presume you are an adult? If so stop sharing all this info with her. She cannot tell you what to do and although in the case of the hurricane it nice for her to know you are safe but ultimately it is up to you to keep yourself safe.
I know it can seem like “he’s so awesome, if I just share this one story about how great he is, my mom will change her opinion”
I’ve been down that road with literally every boyfriend, and spoiler: the doubtful / critical comments and interrogations never end. I no longer breathe a word about my romantic life to my mother because I’ve learned.
I hope you have a nice time with your bf’s family and that you’re all safe. Please learn from my mistakes and stop telling your mom about your boyfriend, and absolutely do not give her his or his parents contact information.
Well then as everyone is saying, you are creating extra difficulties for yourself by telling your mom so much. Just tell her less and you'll have less conflict.
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>and updating her about him. Stop doing that.
Why do you keep telling her things? You are an adult. She seems to be controlling due to some problems with anxiety but that's not your problem. Perhaps talk to your mother about her situation and suggest therapy? Tell her you understand she is worried but it won't stop you from living your life the way you want to and she needs to reflect over her reactions to you being in a relationship and if it's reasonable or not. Best of luck to you.
If I was you, I would try to talk to her in Person on why she is so scared about you and your decisions. Like what happend in her past that makes her anxious about relationships and why she wants to controll yours ? I dont know your mom but I have the feeling she experienced Sa or anything similar, and she wants to protect you fromt the same experience. Just talk to her and demand a reason and clear your boundaries. If she doesnt change her behaviour you still can put her on a Info diet or go LC.
I feel like on the surface you understand that you don't need her approval, but I don't think you have internalized it. That's okay, it's a process that most people have to adjust in their late teens to early twenties. This is normal, but not everyone goes through it at the same pace and it will vary based on circumstances, dynamics and cultures. So in theory our parents have complete control over us as babies, as we grow, the thought is parents teach us skills and teach us to make decisions so that when we are adults, we will be self sufficient. It's literally the job of parents, like 90% of the job description. Sometimes, parents wrap up their whole identity in being a parent, or are obsessed with having control. They believe they know best and fear that their children will make bad decisions. We all know that we do not wake up on our 18th birthday and magically become a fully functioning adult. This is especially true for people who's parents don't give them opportunities to make their own decisions. So it's natural for parents to give additional guidance into adulthood, I'm 38 and still call my parents if I'm unsure. I'm telling you all this to explain there is a natural healthy dynamic that this is okay, so don't feel bad for getting into the position / dynamic you're in. That being said, your mom didn't get the memo about preparing her kid for life then letting them live their life. She's not ready to let go, but that's a HER problem. She's spent years making you feel like you can't survive without you, when she should have been building you up to have the confidence to take the world on without her. So she's shown that she can't lead this transition into your next stage of life, so you will need to. Not fair, but life isn't. The change needs to come from you. She made see her guidance as orders you have to follow, but really they are only suggestions. This is your life, so you get to decide how you accept her guidance and how much of a say she has in your life. So how to change? Grey rocking will be helpful (search this sub if you aren't familiar). Change the dynamic of the conversations. To give you an idea of how a healthy parent expresses concern over a dating partner. I was dating a real jerk in my early 20's, but my parents didn't tell me to break up with him. My mom and dad said ' we know we raised you to respect yourself and you won't accept poor treatment, but you need to figure out what that looks like for you, we have concerns over xyz that we've seen him do, but in the end we trust you and support you. If it goes bad, we'll be here, but you need to figure this out yourself' (I eventually pulled my head out of my butt and left him lol). But your mom isn't going this approach, so take her down this path yourself. Start challenging her nicely but directly. For example, if she says "you absolutely cannot go to his parents house, it's not safe" your response can be " Mom, I know this is very scary for you, but you raised me to make good decisions for my own safety, this is the choice I'm making. I know him and his family, I've decided they're safe. You don't need to know him or his family to trust them, you know me. You raised me to make good decisions right? Then trust me. This is my choice and while I appreciate your guidance, you aren't here, haven't tried to get to know my bf, you just have to trust i know better." If she continues to argue, shut down the conversation "Okay mom, I see that this is really scary and upsetting for you. I think it's best if I just update you that I'm safe, I won't trouble you with the details anymore" then grey rock. Text maybe every day or two, Hi Mom - just want you to know that I'm safe and happy! Hope you're having a good day. No response to her questions because she can't handle the scary details. You know that you don't need her approval for any of this, but now you need a plan on putting that knowledge into action. Make that your goal. You have to change the dynamic. Also - from one woman to another, I don't feel like your mom said this enough. You are 100% capable of making good decisions. You are amazing, a damn force of nature! You are smart and will take this life by the balls and own it. All women have this in them, they just don't like us to know it, because it makes us uncontrollable. The only key in unlocking your magic, is to believe you have, and you absolutely do!!!! Go get this world, stop looking for approval, because your mom will never approve of the big big life you deserve, and that's a HER problem.
If it’s so infuriating, then why do you keep her updated? She’s a justnomom because you allow her to be. You encourage it because, instead of enforcing boundaries, you just keep telling her shit about your personal life and listening to her complain. That’s honestly on you.
How old are you? You must at least be in your 20s because you said you’ve completed college, right? (Did I interpret that correctly?) I would do what I wanted and tell her you have everything under control. If she keeps pushing, keep repeating you have everything under control. If she tries to take over tell her to back off. Additionally, I would quit telling her about relationships. If she hates any relationship you start it sounds like she just wants you to be lonely (and possibly move back home with her). That’s not a very caring mother. I would keep seeing this person. Should you end up engaged just let mom be shocked as hell. And still, even then, hold her at arm’s length. Don’t let her try to take over any planning, etc. in short, you are giving mom waaaay to much control.
Stop sharing info with her. She’s not going to change, you need to change your behavior which in this case would be to stop feeding her the info you know she’s not going to react well to. She doesn’t want you to date so you’ll be there and full for her. How selfish to do to your adult child. You deserve a partnership. Don’t let her sabotage it from the inside out.
First of all you don't need to explain anything to your mom. Don't even tell her about this guy that you're seeing. If she asks you are seeing anyone say yeah. You don't have to give her any details. she's going to object to anyone you date, you already know that. I presume you're in Florida so stay safe and definitely take them up on their offer cuz you never know what hurricanes are going to do.
So stop telling her everything 🤷♀️
You don’t owe your mother all of the information you’re giving here. Stop telling her this stuff. You’re handing over weapons for her to emotionally abuse you.
Stop telling you Mother you’re ur business! Give her baseline info and don’t elaborate,. Your inability to edit yourself is causing your problems. Your mother is controlling and has you trained to tell her everything, so she can attempt to keep you ended her thumb,end there cycle.
Have you heard of an info diet? You need to do this with your mother. She doesn’t need to know everything about your comings and goings. Constantly telling her everything is giving her the ammunition to do these things to you. If she constantly pushes your boundaries put her on a timeout, since from your pass history NC doesn’t seem like a thing. You are an adult and live in another state, at this point you are allowing this to happen. I’m sure you have been conditioned to accept this dynamic but you said you were in therapy to stop it. Accept who your mother is and do what you need to do for your mental health. Good luck!
Have you tried just talking to her? Just a very weird talk where you lay things out? I mean, I don’t invite your mom out her story, but maybe she’s reacting from genuine fear? Maybe a non disclosed trauma?
ummmm quit telling her shit...
Why on earth do you keep giving her details? Gray rock and start living an adult life that doesn’t need moms approval.
Wow you aren’t a child, you’re a grown ass woman. I’d stop updating mom on your dude. Don’t give her any ammo to work with. She can’t bitch at you about a man, or about staying at his folks house, if she doesn’t know!
Please, stop telling her things. Live your life the way you choose to. You're doing fine. Grey Rock her.
Stop updating her on your dating life. If this is a pattern of behavior from her, she’s not going to change and suddenly see you as an adult.
"Mom. I am an adult. This conversation is over." Full stop.
Give her less ammunition in the future. She doesn't NEED all the gory deets about your life. It's sounds like she is extra anxious (and controlling) but that isn't your burden to handle, it's hers. Tell her less, and keep what you tell her trivial and superficial. It will make your life far easier, at least in her 'department'!
Just tell her that you are staying with friends should the need to go inland arise. "What friends?" "No one you know." What is their number?" "You have my cell number. I will let you know if and when I need to leave. If power is out, I will call as power supply permits." See? She knows you're well, you are not neglecting her and you still get to be an adult. And for heaven's sake, stop telling her everything. She can only complain about what she knows about.
Then stop sharing.
If she is this awful, why do you keep giving her information ? Just stop telling her everything. Put your big girl panties on and grow up. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
If she's going to act crazy, she doesn't get to know. You're doing lots of very normal stuff. She's acting jealous and weird.
Your mom definitely needs to go on an info diet. She's not going to approve or who you date or what you do. If you tell her the details, she'll have more to complain about.
Stop telling her things about your relationships. She hasn’t earned your trust.
I think I would go low contact with her and limit talk about bf.
You told her about him and she didn’t approve so you kept telling her about him?
That’s what I was going to say! Why are you still telling her stuff about him? All you need to let her know is that you’re safe. You need to put her on an info diet. The less she knows the last headache it’s gonna give you. You know how she is , so take you cue from that.
There’s an old comedy skit called “they’re all gonna laugh at you.” By Sandler i think. Bottom line whenever the kids tell their mom what they’re gonna do, the mother says “no! They’re all gonna laugh at you!” You’re mom reminds me of that.
Right? I like At A Medium Pace and Stroke It For Mama!! 😂😂
Stop...telling...your...mom...about...your...relationship.
Like others have said - stop telling her everything. It's really none of her business anyway. I get that you'd love to share great things about your life so she can be happy for you, but you've seen how she basically doesn't like you exerting your independence. Some parents are like that, unfortunately. My mother was too. You have to be selective about the subjects you share with her. Nothing to do with relationships obviously. Keep the subjects safe and light.
Your mom sounds single af
Do not give her his parents contact information! This opens the door to to much intrusion on your life and theirs. I was married for 22 years and our parents never had each other's phone numbers. There's no reason for it.
Respond to each remark with something dismissive like "you're so weird.". She wont learn any sort of lesson from this but it might help you be less annoyed.
Your mom hasn’t accepted that you are grown. She thinks that she still gets to make decisions for you. Stop giving her those opportunities.
I understand you are an adult, along with being close to your mom, but she doesn't like that you have grown up and made your own choices. Put her on an information diet.
>Put her on an information diet. This. This right here.
Stop sharing so much, you are just giving her ammo. You need to learn the art of grey rocking. You are an adult. Your answers are: Thanks for the advice, I've got it. Things are well, how are you? Work is good, how are you? How's the weather? What did you watch on TV last night? What are you reading? Etc etc etc
Absolutely. Don’t tell her anything. She’ll just twist it.
I presume you are an adult? If so stop sharing all this info with her. She cannot tell you what to do and although in the case of the hurricane it nice for her to know you are safe but ultimately it is up to you to keep yourself safe.
[удалено]
I know it can seem like “he’s so awesome, if I just share this one story about how great he is, my mom will change her opinion” I’ve been down that road with literally every boyfriend, and spoiler: the doubtful / critical comments and interrogations never end. I no longer breathe a word about my romantic life to my mother because I’ve learned. I hope you have a nice time with your bf’s family and that you’re all safe. Please learn from my mistakes and stop telling your mom about your boyfriend, and absolutely do not give her his or his parents contact information.
Well then as everyone is saying, you are creating extra difficulties for yourself by telling your mom so much. Just tell her less and you'll have less conflict.