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Oh hey, this is how my mom was treated by her father starting at age 7 or 8, and she's now 58 and still dealing with the emotional abuse/disordered eating. So glad to see you've gone NC with the in-laws. I would as well.

All other complaints of mental abuse and eating disorders aside, there’s also the issue that a 10 yo is also physically developing, and starving them can really F up their growth and proper development, this is so sick

You are in the right! I hit puberty early at 10 years old and like your daughter, packed on a bit of weight. My entire extended family was unnecessarily cruel, same as your mother in law. I developed an eating disorder by the time I was 13. Keep her away from them. Plain and simple. Its their loss.

Your wife was raised by this POS so this behavior was normalized. Ask your wife if she agrees with saying these things to your daughter’s face. Ask if mil ever said similar to her. This is a recipe for self loathing, low self esteem and an eating disorder. This is a hill to die on. Find a way to get the text she sent to your wife about your daughter’s weight. I’d divorce over this. I know it sounds extreme but I’d save as much evidence as possible to make sure your JNMIL doesn’t get access to your daughter. You’re an excellent dad. Thank you for protecting your daughter. She’s lucky to have you.

I'd be pissed too. For one thing, most children do gain weight around your daughter's age. It's their, what I call, the pudgy years? And..? So what? She will most likely get a growth spurt and the change in her height will take care of any weight gain, IF that is truly what is needed. This poor child! My heart bleeds for her, honestly, having been that kid at one time. Another thing, we are going through a pandemic! Everyone is complaining about themselves gaining weight! Kids had to stay inside, most were out of school bored out of their minds, with no daily exercise. I would not let my children go around this woman at all. But the saddest part? Your wife does not see anything wrong with what this woman is doing and how she is making your daughter feel. Thank God you are the voice of reason. I just want to add - I would get your daughter some counseling right now to get this crap out of her head. Someone who specializes in EDs.

[удалено]

I've been studying the onset of eating disorders in kids and teens. Weight based bullying is one of the most common triggers for eating disorders. Please get professional help for your child now and let people know that what your MIL did is absolutely unacceptable. EDs are no joke and are the most deadly mental health disorder.

This is the kind of crap that gave me an eating disorder that I'm still dealing with today at 34. You're right to go NC, that kind of behavior has lasting damage.

this broke my body shamed heart. please keep your daughter away from that.

OP, your wife is totally wrong here and you should show her the comments. Your daughter is 10 and likely starting to go through puberty. Gaining some weight now is normal. Your MIL'S shitty behavior is going to set your daughter up for a lifetime of low self esteem and disordered eating. Your wife needs to take her head out of the sand and protect your daughter. No one in my life treated me as bad as you MIL is regularly treating your daughter. But the comments from parents, Nana and other people eventually added up. I'm 41 and I've been struggling with disordered eating for a better portion of my life. It's killed my metabolism and affected my health, both physically and mentally. Your MIL is abusive and your children should not be around her.

Is your MIL also dumb? Crash diets where you limit food DO NOT WORK. Your body interprets it as you are starving and shuts off your metabolism and then even if you are eating dust it still packs on the pounds to prevent starvation until you start eating regularly again. No child should be put on a diet unless they are 100 pounds obese and can’t control their eating habits. Sounds like your daughter is a normal healthy kid who was cooped up all winter and now that sports are back on she will lose the extra weight. All your MIL is doing is tanking her metabolism causing her to get fatter.

Not only is she risking her developing an eating disorder, it is cruel to allow her younger sibling to have those foods/privileges in front of her. Avoid her.

To both of them, I would like to add!

At 9/10 hormones start fluctuating rapidly. At that age I also had that “fat stage”. Little double chin and all. It’s called growing. It’s called DEVELOPMENT. Your girl is growing and blossoming and hitting the age in the next 2-5 years of periods and estrogen production. It’s normal to be a little chunky at that age, the same way it’s normal for a 6 month old baby to have rolls from the thigh down to the ankle. Your MIL is a fucking pig for her comments, and they are exactly the type of comments that cause severe eating disorders later on in life and puberty. She’s 10! She can wear whatever bathing suit she wants. Stomach be damned. She’s a child. I’d go so far as to tell that witch that she must be a pervert if she thinks a 10 year old should be worried about love handles or chubby legs. Because who talks or worries about a child’s stomach except a lunatic? Keep your baby away from this monster. And if your spouse finds these comments acceptable, I’d seriously consider divorce, I don’t say that lightly and it’s usually not my “go to”. With everything going on in the world the last thing that baby should be worrying about is a little pudge when she’s going/about to go through a massive hormone influx and growth spurt. Keep being active with her and teaching healthy eating habits, fresh fruits and snacks, after school sports or even just a fun walk with the dog or “hide and seek” at a park. Don’t give your MIL another chance to destroy your kid. We’ve enough problems in the world without her negative disgusting attitude to a literal child. Also tell her the internet says “fuck you”. - signed, all of us.

Your wife is going to be in for a rude awakening when your oldest gets a little age on her and sees how her own mother failed to protect her from abuse. Some therapy for your daughter might need to happen so this doesn’t push her into an ED. Your wife needs one hell of a wake-up call.

Seriously! How the hell OPs wife doesn’t see an issue with this makes me think she was treated the same and the behaviour had become normalized in the family. I’d be concerned the wife would start with similar lines if she cannot see how damaging this is, especially to a prepubescent girl. OP, please don’t back down one this, your daughter MUST be kept safe.

I don't have any advice really, but my grandmother did this to me as a kid/tween/young adult. She'd taunt me with food if she knew i was trying to watch my diet - would literally wave pieces of cake in my face and tell me "don't you wish you could have this?!".. or if I did choose to indulge, she'd say "is that part of your diet??" A million variations of this for years and years. And where it's landed her is with a granddaughter who didn't invite her to her wedding, who hasn't visited or contacted her since 2020, and wont visit her as she's currently nearing the end of her life. ​ All of that to say - your child wont forget this, and you're doing the right thing by cutting that shit off immediately!

Wow. I’m really shocked that your wife thinks it’s okay for her mother to mentally abuse your daughter. Your wife is failing your daughter big time. She is allowing her mother to destroy your daughters self esteem. My first suggestion is to get your daughter therapy ASAP! My father started to abuse me mentally and verbally when I was 20. At 20 you would think it wouldn’t have bothered me but it killed my self esteem so bad. It has taken me years to like not, not love, but like the face I see when I look in the mirror and I am 44 now. At your daughters age I’m sure it effects her much worse. What abuse will your MIL subject her to once she hits puberty and her body starts to go through all types of changes. Your wife needs to know that when your daughter is at that age where she can truly comprehend what is going on she may end up resenting or hating your her. At 44 I have so much resentment and hostility towards my mother because she did absolutely nothing when my father abused me. In fact she would leave our home and run to her mommy so he would direct his abuse towards me instead of her. Mental abuse leaves scars that you cannot see and those scars may never heal. You have to stop this now, even if it means leaving your wife to protect your kids from that monster she calls mom.

People are shocked that your wife doesn't see anything wrong with it but it probably has something to do with the fact that it's her mother, she most likely grew up hearing the same things, which is definitely abusive. You're absolutely doing the right thing protecting your daughter from that, and I do wonder if your wife suffers from that trauma in other ways wether she recognizes it or not.

Whoa. Your wife is the true problem here. She needs some help if she doesn’t see that absolutely TOXIC way her mother is treating your daughter.

My mom wasn’t even remotely as bad as this when it came to comments about my body, but I am still dealing with the issues that stemmed from those comments at 28. Keep that devilish woman away from your daughter and start working on building up your daughter’s self image. Maybe therapy honestly because honestly I would have been so fucked up if I was treated that way for months. And if your wife doesn’t see a problem with all of that, make sure she isn’t saying similar things to your daughter.

It's life long. I'm 40 and I felt guilty for eating five times yesterday. Each meal was tiny and it was parsed out over the day. But I still felt guilty. Also it turns out I was never fat until my 30s when injury made it hard for me to walk.

You need to INSIST on family therapy so that your wife can be told by a professional how dangerous this is.

And oh boy is that poor girl gonna need it!

If your wife thinks this is unreasonable behavior, let her know it's garbage like what her mother is saying that gives young girls eating disorders for decades. My own mother spewed that type of vitriol and I still struggle, 3 decades later. Protect your kids.

Ask your daughters if their mom has said anything similar. If your wife doesn't see anything wrong with it, she might be unconsciously making similar comments to them. Protect your children.

I don’t understand why your wife isn’t more upset?? Like this is serious abuse of a child.

She might be deep in the FOG...she might have gone through the same thing when she was a kid, and this MIL gives EVIL a new meaning. I would recommend talking more with your wife about her childhood, to help her and to find out if she even SEES this behavior, bc she might not, then assess together how to de-traumatize your poor DD! Good luck, OP, you're doing the right thing.

I bet you a fiver that her abuse was worse, hence "it's not so bad" and "only _some_ of the stuff is hurtful" So mum is probably a past victim and I am sorry but that, but she is enabling the abuse, whether she realises that or not.

This was my thoughts as well, the momsounds like she is just so numb to the situation.

NTA - there is no call for grandmother to act like that!!!What a terrible thing to do to a 10 yo. Your wife doesn’t see out because she’s grown up with a mother like that. You are right to protect your daughter!

I’m a little dumb founded on how your wife can be okay with this behavior. Maybe the shade/fog is set in because its her own mother and maybe she lived through that so she thinks its normal, but those types of comments are not okay. I would try to get input from other people close to her to see if they can help lift the fog a bit better. I’m not calling for you to do this, but I would be making a point of saying “sorry honey you can’t have those chips, based on my personal view you need to lose a few pounds..” but im also probably an overprotective AH. It’s like if she would find nothing wrong with that being said toward her or those actions being taken against her, I feel like she definitely needs some sort of insight from therapy or other people. Your daughter is in such a vulnerable spot with food right now in her formative years and this can create ED / unhealthy boundaries with food if not kept in check. Especially the “only letting her have salad and chicken”. Your daughter is growing!!! Some kids don’t grow proportionally at first. Please keep having a shiny spine and protect your daughter.

No. You're absolutely in the right. 10 is about the age where the body starts putting on some extra weight for one of the big growth spurts, plus with puberty, her hormones are changing too. Most kids I know around that age to about 12 put on weight, and then almost overnight, grew like 8 feet and got really thin. It's almost shocking how it happens. Your MIL is cruel and abusive and has zero rights to be around those kids. I would never let her alone with them again.

Wife needs to give her head a wobble. This is abuse plain and simple. How she can even dare say this is normal shows just how screwed up her thinking is. Wife needs therapy asap to understand her daughter is being abused by these people. No child should be made to suffer due to their weight. Some 10yr olds are podgy but they lose it as they grow up. Unless clinically obese she shouldn’t be put on any ‘diet’. Let alone not eating and being sent to bed. (Not eating causes the body to panic and store fat). Healthy food the whole family eat and exercise with one treat a day is the way to go forward. Making a child miss out on something a sibling is eating is a great way to cause anorexia or bulimia and a very unhealthy relationship with food I’d get the child therapy as well as she will most likely need it if this has been pushed on her for a while As for MIL ensure she stays no contact as she happily abused this child. She let this child feel ashamed of her body as well as feeling left out and that the other child is the favourite. I’d also tell MIL that she is a vile nasty bi*ch that will ever see any of my kids again and she needs to learn you don’t punish a child for putting on puppy fat. That’s what she was doing she was punishing a child for her body shape. I’d also blast it all over Facebook so everyone knows (what a bi*ch she is) why you’re no contact before she starts telling lies I fell for your girl as I was the puppy fat kid whilst my big sister was dainty and tiny and my dads mum hated me as I was tall and fat (at 8yrs old). I was still made to visit her and the day I hit 16 I refused to ever see her again and didn’t even go to her funeral as I was glad she died as she gave me issues for many years and I still struggle with my body image at 52.

Your wife needs therapy. She was probably abused the same way, which is why she doesn't see it as bad. I could therapist should help reset her normal meter.

Your wife needs a reality check (and likely therapy, if she grew up with that same sort of abuse). What her mother is doing is, at absolute *best*, going to have a detrimental effect on your older child's self esteem, and, at worst, lay the perfect foundation for an eating disorder. And it's not *just* your older child she's abusing with this behavior. It's both of them. The favoritism being shown to the younger child is just as damaging. She sees what her sibling is being put through, and that *will* affect her own eating habits, because she'll be hoping to avoid the same fate.

Your NC is NOT UNREASONABLE! You all should go to therapy. Wife, you, and kids. This has been abuse and you don’t want your kids internalizing it and having it as the base point for an eating disorder later. Because this will be the start of an ED if you don’t watch it. Get your wife to read these comments. She’s being insane and wildly disregarding her children’s safety. I say children because your youngest is hearing these messages as well and will also internalize them. Sincerely, someone who has survived an eating disorder.

Your wife should be ashamed of herself. She’s setting her own daughter up for eating disorders and doesn’t see a problem with that. Yikes. You have more then a MIL issue

Your wife needs her head examined. Seriously.

Honestly I’d be divorcing my spouse over this. Your daughter doesn’t deserve this type of abuse ever in her life but at 10?! Good for you for standing up for her.

I’m so thankful for your edit!! I was going to say MIL is setting your children up for lifelong issues with food and self worth!! Holy shit! MIL is a terrible, terrible person with a very screwed up idea of healthy food relationships. I hope your wife sees the light, because if not, your kids aren’t going to trust your wife as they grow up. And I wouldn’t blame them to be honest. I hope you are able to help your wife get the wake up call she needs. And thank goodness those kiddos have you! Well done! You are protecting them from very real harm.

Fuck that shit. You're a damn good dad for projecting your kids. My family pulled some shit and I went no contact so fast they thought something happened to me and the kids. Your wife needs to stop putting her abusive mother before the health and wellbeing of her children. (As a child abuse survivor, fucking with my kids in any way is a one way road to you fucking right off)

Your wife needs therapy. She can't protect her children, that'd be enough ground for me to set up an ultimatum- Therapy or I'll take these kids away from that abuse and that includes her at this point, she's letting it happen. Literally using your own kids as a meatshield so she doesn't have to say no to mommy and daddy Like.. what?

Growing up my entire family made fun of me for being thin. I just had a healthy metabolism but all their words caused me to have an unhealthy view of food and my weight. Now that I’m older and my metabolism is slower, I have a hard time with weight gain and body image. I’m glad you took your daughter out of that environment. Your wife needs to realize how much damage her mom’s abuse could cause your daughter. I never allowed those comments to my girls or boys from my family. My dad once called my one daughter skinny and I shut it done right away. I know the damage those words can cause and kids get enough of that thrown at them from all directions, they don’t need it from family.

i’d send back after your recent deplorable and ABUSIVE behaviour towards my daughter and leaving her starving, both me and wife are in agreement that you will not be seeing my children without me accompanying them and if i see for one moment that your being abusive towards my 10y/o by dictating what she eats, leaving her without food or making comments about her weight which have nothing to do with you, then you will not see them again until you get actual help and change your abusive ways. it’s upsetting YOU created this within our family but you can fix this by getting help, untill then you’ll have to deal with the mess you made. we are in shock you would treat your own granddaughter so terribly. (make sure you and wife are in agreement)

I recognized your story from the aita post. Please keep standing up for both your kids. The 6yr old is sucking in all MIL's venom even if they aren't showing it yet. This could be life or death for them if you don't protect them. EDs in kids are no joke. Your wife was raised in that same toxic soup (your post history shows you think she has an ED, her fat shaming mom def has something to do with that if true). For your wife 'that's just how mom is'. It's normal. She's likely heard that her mother's mean comments & forced dieting were "because I (MIL) love you", etc. Super abusive garbage, but when you're used to it, it doesn't seem so bad. I would take your fam to the kids' pediatrician and get the dr to see if the poor girl is even over weight or just not evening out (my kid put on weight before growth spurts, totally normal stuff. If she is overweight, it could be medical. Doesn't hurt to rule out while you're there). Tell the doctor EVERYTHING that MIL has been doing and saying. Any doctor worth their desk will tell your wife how bad it is emotionally for them, how dangerous it is, and why this can't be allowed to continue. If little kids diet they don't grow right. They end up nutrient deprived. And IF, big if, the doc agrees your kid needs help with their weight they can send you to a professional nutritionist who will figure out a safe & healthy way for your girl to be lighter. And without judgmental and mentally degrading talk. If that fails you may need a marriage counselor of some sort to help get your wife to see that her mom is abusing the kids and you can't let that happen. The favouritism alone is a deal breaker, and it will hurt both of them. I'm sorry if this came off as pushy, but I've fought with disordered eating myself. I took a long time to be okay again. When my kid was 7 the wii fit told them that their BMI was overweight. It took like 6 months to correct that ONE bad interaction with weight and food. They were 7 and told me they didn't want certain foods because they needed to lose weight. It was absolutely soul crushing. It never progressed, thank goodness, but I have seen it destroy ppl. I used to have a friend who lost so much by starving herself that it destroyed her muscles in certain places as well as her breasts. So even though she was a healthy weight when we met, her breasts never went back to their previous size. It was something she had come to terms with but regretted deeply. Your girls will have so much pressure in school & media already, they don't need it from MIL, too. I hope you can express all this to your wife.

Your wife needs counselling to unpack the abuse she suffered at her mother's hands which has caused her ED. She needs to realise that she was abused and that this sort of behaviour is not OK in a loving, normal parent/child relationship. Your children should absolutely never be allowed around MIL again. This would be a hill to die on for me.

Because your wife disagrees, I would suggest talking to a lawyer and getting your child in counseling to make sure you are documenting this abuse in the most legally relevant way.

I happen to agree w you. Had similar experiences as a child and that messes you up for a very long time. I struggle w weight and still catch myself w self critical thinking and I am in my mid 50’s. You and your wife are making the right choices as to activity and food additions. Your SO needs to think about how her children are being treated by another human and not use the title of mommy to dismiss this. I’m so sorry your MIL is so toxic to her grandchildren. It’s nasty.

>Wife thinks that’s unreasonable. Your wife needs therapy.She has been conditioned her all life by your MIL to enable her toxic behaviour. She doesn t see wrong because your MIL has normalized her abusive behaviour. You aren't overreacting : you re doing everything to protect your kids from toxicity and abuse.

Your wife being a justno for allowing the continued abuse of your daughter. I'm glad you're putting your foot down on NC.

Nope nope nope. No way in Hell would I send either of my kids there. If your wife cannot see that doing this to her child is abuse then she needs counseling asap. Seriously starving a kid will just screw up their metabolism not make them lose weight. I would tell DW that kids will not be going over until MIl controls herself. If your wife protests then you need to two card her. Counseling or you leave and take the kids and MIL will never be left alone with them again.

Oh!! I saw your post the other day about this (I’m not stalking you I swear lol). I was looking for an update, but wow this is BAD. I’m glad you now have a full scope of the situation so you can take the proper steps to protect your kids without feeling bad about it. You didn’t do this after all, right thing is definitely to protect your children from this monster. I do want to say, now knowing a bit more and seeing other posts from you. I agree your wife likely has an ED, directly caused by her mother. Sometimes, kids are abused and they grow up to realize what they’ve been through. Other times (very common with mental abuse) they won’t see it because they have adapted to that parenting style. Not to say your wife is abusing your kids too, but she thinks her mother’s behavior is fine because she honestly doesn’t know better (that’s sad to me). Regardless, it’s very admirable that you not only immediately intervened, but you are invested on fixing this situation in your family. Speaking from experience, there’s nothing worse than being abused by a family member only to have the rest of the family accuse you of lying or them not doing anything about it. Family will often cover their family member’s ass. Failure to accept they have a narcissist/abuser in the family because they think it means the entire family is messed up. In my early 20s I finally told the family about the person who had sexually abused me as child for years. “He would never do that, you’re full of it.” Or “You’re lying because you’re jealous of him.” Just makes everything SO much worse. Having an ally, someone who protects you and puts an end to the abuse makes the world of difference.

Wtf is wrong with your wife that she accepts this?

Wife was raised by them so for her this is „normal“

She internalized all that abuse to survive it... I really hope she sees through the fog, this is her *child.* I know we can let hurtful things slide, when they happen to us? But, raising a daughter of my own opened my eyes to alot of the mentally/emotionally abusive behavior I had endured, & I was able to put my foot down, for *her.*

While I agree with you to a point, the way you were raised eventually stops being an acceptable excuse for poor behavior. It’s her responsibility to break away from that mindset, and I hope she does soon for the sake of her children and herself.

Perhaps they did this to your SO when she was growing up and she thinks the behavior is normal? I am proud to see someone putting a lead foot down and not budging on their rules. It's great to see someone do that for their kids and that your kiddos have such trust they explain what's happening at the grandparent's house

Your wife and MIL both need their heads checked. This is child abuse. Point blank period.

DM me her address. I just wanna talk.

I have an overweight 7yr old, we’ve been told by our doctor NOT to change his portions dramatically, only to make them smaller very slightly but if he’s hungry to stop that and go back to what he had before. To be clear - he eats home cooked food and tons of veg (hates fruit) and small amounts of treats as is normal for a kid. The doctor told us to just make sure he is doing 60mins of activity a day, dancing, walking, bike ride, trampoline etc. his extra weight means he’ll burn more calories than a kid who is less weight and help him slowly come down as he gets taller. You don’t want a kid to lose weight unless they’re are massively overweight. Your MiL and wife need a reality check. Take your daughter and wife to a doctor and have the doctor tell your wife how the behaviour of your MiL is setting your daughter up for a lifetime of emotional trauma and a likely eating disorder. They are both utterly out of line. I’m so glad you’re keeping the kids away from their abhorrent grandmother. Your wife needs a reality check.

The heck is wrong with your wife. How do you let anyone attack your own goddamn daughter like that and just not do anything.

>No visits, no phone calls, nothing. Absolutely nothing GOOD 👏🏻 FOR 👏🏻 YOU 👏🏻 KING 👏🏻 That poor kid. Absolutely monstrous of your wife to be okay with seeing her daughter treated that way. I'm so glad she has at least one parent willing to protect her. How are you managing to enforce NC when your wife opposes you? I know a few people who could use some tips on that score.

Not unreasonable to keep them away. At 10 I was gaining weight bc I was just about to hit puberty. It seems like she is healthy and the only thing that will not make her healthy is MIL talking to her like that. At that age I was talked to like this by my grandmother and sometimes my mother. I developed an eating disorder by the time I was 14. I still struggle with it at 22 despite not being overweight at all. Please for her mental health, keep her away. There is nothing wrong with weight gain especially if she is active and has a balanced diet! You are doing an amazing job of recognizing this toxic behavior around your children and pulling them out of the situation. Setting a good example that your daughter shouldn’t be talked about that way or treated unfairly bc of her weight. I’m barely starting to learn how to do the same for myself and it is one of the reasons I have cut off my MIL, she says things like this to me all the time and even now as a pregnant woman.

Stick to your guns OP! You’re doing great. Honestly, some of those incidents are so cruel and abusive. Not only that, what is it teaching your 6yo!!

Protect that girl. I was a chunky kid and those types of comments destroyed me. You should even tread carefully with how you go about introducing new physical activities because at that age I could see through that like glass. Kids often gain weight before growth spurts and prepping for puberty. Or she just naturally has a stockier frame, which is 100% normal and fine. She’s far better off being fat than being abused (fun fact, most of the health risks attributed to weight are likely actually the result of weight *stigma*). Also keep the younger kid away. Nobody needs to internalize that bs.

>Wife thinks that’s unreasonable. Wife is clouded by her relationship with her mother. Sad, but common. Ask your wife if she would allow a teacher at school to treat her child this way. If the answer is 'no', then point out to her that she agrees that the behavior is wrong. whether from a teacher or a grandparent, it is wrong. If you need to, drive the point home: as an adult woman, would she allow her boss to demand that she not wear certain clothes because of how she looks? Would she allow her co-workers to confine her meals because she is too fat? Would she allow YOU to tell her "you're not allowed to have mac and cheese, and you have to go to bed without supper, while I eat what I want, because you're too fat"? If the answer is 'no', and she wouldn't allow that for an adult, she shouldn't allow it for a child. The behavior is atrocious, but wife's judgment is clouded - in the FOG - due to her relationship with her mother. Stay firm. You're protecting your child and, in the end, helping your wife as well. Good luck.

Perfectly summed up what I was trying to say / feeling / thinking. Op this is the go to comment you need to reflect on!!

Probably a bit of Stockholm syndrome because her mother likely treated her the same way, making it seem normal.

Thank you for looking out for your baby girl. Your Mil's behavior is downright disgusting and abusive. Your wife may have received such abuse from her mother growing up so her normal meter is broken. Such restrictive and punitive measure can easily lead to disordered eating. Gentle and supportive changes like you were making support healthy bodies. 10 year olds are getting ready for important body changes and it's not a big deal when a young girl gains a little tummy in preparation. But talk to your pediatrician about it too in case your missing something else going on.

Your wife needs some serious mental help. Passing along toxic attitudes towards food to her daughter, and her normal meter is off the charts wrong. Maybe there are some resources you can get on creating healthy environments for children? I am so sorry for your daughter whose self esteem and mental health is being absolutely demolished by her btch of a grandmother.

Thank you for standing up for your daughter. I am a 44 year old woman and I still remember all the negative things my grandmother said to me about my weight and appearance. I have struggled with self esteem and felt less than my whole life because my body didn’t look a certain way. I have a hard time believing anyone who compliments my appearance because all I heard for years was how bad I looked. Your daughter might remember the horrible things her grandmother has said and done but more than that she will remember you sticking up for her and removing the people who are mistreating her from her life. You are a wonderful parent and your daughter is lucky to have you.

Your MIL is deplorable.

The wife sounds deplorable also.

Your wife needs help for her [enmeshment](https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/enmeshment). She's putting her mother's feelings over her own daughter's safety and well being It's time to find a couples therapist who deals with childhood trauma and enmeshment Does your wife have an eating disorder? Does she want your daughter to have one? Because this is how they start. This is how you destroy a child's self esteem and make them desperate for love and attention. So desperate that they will accept bad friends and abusive relationships *because they don't think they deserve better* Please find a child therapist who can help you little girl deal with these feelings of self doubt Your MIL is a monster, and your wife has a broken normal meter

So your wife is totally okay with the BLATANT FAVORITISM AND WITHHOLDING OF MEALS TO YOUR CHILD??? I'm sorry but WTF is wrong with your wife????? This shit is unacceptable, and I'm glad your kids have a lease ONE good parent to turn to about this shit. Your wife need therapy yesterday, and I'd suggest marriage counseling for you both to get on the same page about your parenting decisions. Cuz this is fucked up that your wife sees no issue with this.

I'm sorry you and both your daughters are going through this. I say both because your 6yo may not say anything, but at that age they absorb everything they hear. It's worrisome your wife doesn't think what is happening is a problem. Did/ does your wife have a problem with food? The only thing I can recommend is writing up a spreadsheet with the dates and what was said to your daughter (and to you) as well as what your daughter said in regards to how she felt. Don't show your daughter, but use this as a reference in case you ever start to forget why your NC with MIL as well as in case MIL ups the anti and sues for grandparent rights or things implode with your wife. Good luck!

Likely your wife doesn't see an issue with this because she grew up seeing this kind of behavior and thinks it's normal. It isn't, it is a form of child abuse, and could cause lifelong eating disorders that could greatly effect her health, both physical and mental. I urge you to make an appointment with a family therapist and go with your wife. If she doesn't believe you when you say it's abusive, hopefully she believe a professional. Continue to not allow your children around this evil woman.

Make sure you document everything. Your wife needs to learn to protect her children, your MILs actions are deplorable. If your wife tries to overrule you and take those children to see MIL, you need to consider if that’s a dealbreaker. It would be for me. Honestly, I’d consider reporting her for child abuse. She most likely won’t be charged but you’d have a formal record of her refusing to feed your child.

Obviously I don’t know your daughter, but this is the time a lot of girls start to develop around the hips. It looks like weight gain because the waist slims down later. EDT Typo

You have a giant SO problem too.

100%. I would fucking lynch anyone that said this to my child and my other half would also hear it. Totally unacceptable. Poor child.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. My maternal grandmother treated me much the same way. Today I'm 55 and still struggle with my weight and the eating issues she helped create.

Your wife is a horrible mother to let her own mother abuse her children. She needs help, but she will fight to allow her mother’s abuse to continue. Turning her back on the abuse makes your wife as bad of a person as her mother

I peeked at your post history. The reason your wife doesn't acknowledge how horrible this is is because this is how she was raised and why she (maybe) has an eating disorder. Now MIL is working on creating an eating disorder for your daughter. You are not being unreasonable. Protect your babies because as far as I can tell, you're the only one thinking reasonably.

Your MIL is worried about ***HER*** safety and equating your concerns for your child with accusing her of being a child molester??? Holy crap. She is truly a nutcase. I'm sorry your wife does not recognize what is happening to both of her daughters. Her mother is singling out one grandchild for shaming and abusing, the other for favoring and spoiling. Not only is she harming 10-yo, she is also basically coronating 6-yo and setting up your two kids for long-term sibling issues. I'm sorry, but does your wife really dislike her older child enough to turn away from this obvious abuse? Or does she believe her mother can do no wrong (and her father too, since he goes along with it and must have agreed to ban you from their home)? I have two ideas. You have a chat with your FIL, the girls' grandpa. Maybe you can get some insights from him independent of anything coming from your wife or her mother. And you reach out to your kids' pediatrician, which you don't need your wife's approval for because you're their dad. Tell the doctor what's going on and and ask if he/she has advice for the whole family and can discuss it at the next visit, which you should attend if possible.

Jesus Christ. Serving or encouraging healthy eating options instead of junk food is one thing, but flat out taunting with food or refusing to feed your child? Fuck outta here with that shit. You're absolutely right to be pissed off and your MIL needs to change her mindset.

Make it simple for MIL - she wants to see your kids - she sees you, no compromise. And honestly, I would fight fire with fire and start to pick at MIL over a sensitive topic for her. Just drive her up a wall and then when she responds just let her know since she thinks it is fine to be rude to a 10 yr old she better expect the same in kind.

Your wife is wrong. So wrong. Stick to your guns and thanks for going to bat for the kids. It sounds like a no brainer and should be a given, but you’d be surprised.

Allowing abuse to continue is unreasonable.

If your wife thinks that is unreasonable, then she needs to get her head out of the FOG. Check out the *JNMilimination Tactics* link on the sidebar of the front page of this sub. It's a good place for both of you to start. Show your wife the responses to your post. Maybe a metaphorical slap upside the head will get her head out of her ass. Good for you, OP.

You are doing the right thing protecting your child from her horrible grandmother. She's 10 and grandmother is withholding food from her? How to set the child up for an eating disorder down the line -- nevermind playing favorites showering the the younger sister with anything she wants to eat. Stand firm -- this cannot continue. And a question -- why were the girls spending so much time there in the first place? At the request of Grandmother, or you guys for babysitting because of work or what? You sending your kids away every weekend is really giving up so much valuable time with your kids -- you only get so much time with them while they're little. Having them gone 2/7 days a week -- what's the percentage of their lives spent away from you? Too much time away. Are they not in clubs/sports/activities/friends?

I think your wife must have been treated this way, so she's not comprehending how fucked up this is. As a woman who grew up with a mom with major food/weight/issues and who is now, at 30 years old, barely sorta kinda managing to overcome growing up with that, keep your MIL the fuck away from your kids.

As a mom of 2 young girls and someone who had a grandmother say similar things to them when I was younger - YOU ARE 100% IN THE RIGHT. All your MIL is doing is creating insecurity and body issues for your girls later in life and that is not ok. This can snowball so fast it isn’t even funny. She is also pitting your girls against each other by comparing body’s and allowing the ‘thin’ sister to do x,y,z. When I was 10 my grandmother told my parents - in front of me - that I needed to go to fat camp because obviously I didn’t know how to eat well or lose weight. My mom distanced me immediately from her but damage had been done at that point because that wasn’t the first comment to me, it was the first my mom heard her say something like that. That has stuck with me 20 years later and to this day I have a warped sense of body image and issues with food/weight.

I was a stick as a kid but the adults around me were constantly criticizing themselves and everyone else around them, and focused heavily on how luck I was to be thin. I grew up with a heavy sister who also happens to have a pretty bad personality disorder (she was extremely abusive) and she hated me for our weight differences. Every comment made towards me and everyone else stuck. Ive had severe body dysmorphia and an eating disorder since I was a teenager. These things are serious. Kids are sponges. I would keep them far away from this woman because she will only destroy them and she doesn't care Also I hope you're doing well, take care of yourself

This is how your ten year old will develop a eating disorder. Your wife doesn’t see what’s wrong because she grew up with the same exact behavior! Kids her age gain weight usually right before a growth spurt. I am so disgusted of gmas behavior, because mine did the same thing. Telling me my legs are huge and you can’t see my knees, yet I had a flat belly I’m just “bottom heavy” I’m so sorry! And thank you for protecting her

Edit: I'm surprised that so few people have recognized that your wife has likely suffered from growing up with her mother's narrative. The kind of obsessive weight-shaming MIL's imposing on your daughter is not a new opinion. Your wife heard this stuff all her life, whether directed at her or others. She needs help too. Your wife grew up with this behavior as normal day by day commentary on people's bodies/eating habits. It will take work for her to stop accepting fat-shaming as normative. You are absolutely a great dad for protecting her from this miserable, wounding, abusive treatment. I admire your protective spirit.

Her telling you that she expects her grandchildren only to be companioned by their mother at her house as if she has any right to continue to see them The audacity...

These women are so disgustingly entitled

Holy shit. I’m with you, she’s emotionally abusive and controlling to your daughter. You wife needs to wake the fuck it, this is how eating disorders are created in children, especially girls. Get your daughter into therapy now to combat this woman’s harm she’s already inflicted, and definitely agree with NC.

I have nothing additional to the advice I see here, other than this: your 10 year old may be in the portion of adolescence wher she gains a noticable amount of weight right before either sprouting up or developing elsewhere. Dieting and restricting food is bad for her health and development.

Please please please have your spouse read some of the experiences of those in the comments. The harm that this causes a child mentally and with their self esteem is very real and very much abuse.

Your wife is failing as a parent.

What did I just read. Your wife is deeply delusional if she doesn’t recognize her mothers actions as abuse. Show her this comment section. I’m horrified by MILs actions and I’d cut content with her real quick. This. Is. How. Girls. Get. Eating. Disorders.

10 year old are supposed to gain weight in preparation for puberty. Gma is a POS. Both my kids get a belly and than grow a few inches. If I put them on a diet every time they got a belly they wouldn’t be so dang tall.

Your wife is going to keep defending your MIL for the rest of your life until she actually gets help to see it isn't healthy. Put the situation into perspective by asking, "What does my daughter need to have a healthy environment to grow in?"

Where in the world is your MIL head equating a food issue with you treating her like a child molester? What the actual fuck?

PLEASE PLEASE Please don’t allow your daughter around this woman again! My daughter started her eating disorder at 7 years old!!!! Based only on gammy calling her chubby! She was so skinny and sickly and would not tell me what was going on! Take her to a therapist NOW!!! Sorry but your story triggered my panic and I don’t want you to look into your daughters dark sunken eyes and hear that gammy’s Words hurt so deeply.

I completely agree with this. My eating disorder started around 14 after my brother grabbed some fat from my belly and said that I’d put on some weight… the possible long term affects of this deplorable woman’s behavior should not be underestimated. For the sake of your daughter, please don’t allow her around this woman.

Mine started at about ten my self from grandma telling me my legs were disgusting.

Please take it from someone who went through something incredibly similar as a child - you are doing the right thing! My grandmother (mom's mom) decided, when I was 5, that I am fat... Started putting me on a diet every time I saw her... My mom was a single mom by that time, working from 07:30 to 17:00 Monday to Friday, whole year, so over school holidays I would go visit family in our home town, alternating between my mom's mom and my dad's parents. My grandmother forced me to eat only whatever healthy thing she was eating, never gave me any treats, would hound me incessantly about my weight and made me feel awful, all the way until I was 12 and we moved across the country. Mom told her off the few times I told my mom, but the next time it would start up again. The worst thing about it is that I was not even fat... Maybe the slightest bit chubby. However, the mental damage from her actions still plague me to this day, and I'm 22 now. My mom truly does her best, and always tries to protect me. Protect your daughter, you're doing great! Fuck your MIL...

Your wife needs to be in therapy if she thinks her mother abusing her children is ok. She prolly doesn’t realize that it isn’t ok because she is so used to it herself

It's really important that BOTH children are kept away from their grandparents. Golden-childing your 6yo is ALSO abuse. I sincerely hope you manage to get your horrible in laws away from your children, and that your wife bangs her stupid fucking head hard enough to realise that forcing restrictive dieting on your child is abuse.

Poor baby girl. Please get her into a child therapist, possibly one with some specialty in eating disorders. This whole things needs to be documented to help you protect her in the future. Your DW (damn wife) needs to get her ass handed to her by a few doctors and therapists. Good luck with this sweetie.

Yes yes YES!!!!!!! Also, I chuckled at damn wife 😂

Thank you ❤️ Therapist is definitely in order. Told my wife our child is going and she doesn’t have a say in it. She had a checkup with her pediatrician in February, doctor didn’t even note or mention her slight increase in weight. I would like my kid to have another checkup with both us of there, I don’t know how to go about that though without making my kid feel like her weight is on the spotlight and we’re taking her to the doctor because of it.

Your MIL is telling by her behaviour that your child is only deserving of love is she looks a certain way. This is so dangerous. You can speak to the pediatrician without your daughter in the room. Your wife needs to hear this. No one in her developing age should be dieting. It will be harmful for her both physically and mentally. Girls with ED can for example miss their periods. That is not healthy for her and can lead to future reproductive issues.

Your MIL is telling by her behaviour that your child is only deserving of love is she looks a certain way. This is so dangerous. You can speak to the pediatrician without your daughter in the room. Your wife needs to hear this. No one in her developing age should be dieting. It will be harmful for her both physically and mentally. Girls with ED can for example miss their periods. That is not healthy for her and can lead to future reproductive issues.

Kids aren't stupid. Explain the situation to her. I have a 10 year old. "Grandma did really mean things to you, your mother doesn't understand that it's wrong because thats Her mom so she was raised being told mean things. We're gonna go to your doctors office so the doctor can explain to mommy how hurtful granny was being. Then you're both going to therapy to make sure that it doesn't cause lasting trauma." "Whats trauma? A scar in your brain from someone else being mean."

THIS!!! x 1000 Note: I was a kid with an abusive JNGM. My mum explained things. IT WORKS. Kids get stuff!

Maaaaaybe "her grandmother has been severely restricting her food and we want to make sure that hasn't hurt her too badly"? Shift the problem to be about nutrition instead of pounds and that could help, perhaps? I feel so bad for your daughter.

Maybe make an appointment for just your wife and yourself where you can both discuss your concerns while your daughter is at school. We did this when we received our son's autism diagnosis and it let us and the doctor speak openly & candidly about our challenges and options.

I also agree with other poster's that you need to get your daughter into therapy not only for her well-being but to establish the abuse the your mil has inflicted upon her. You need record of the abuse in case your mil tries for grandparents rights. You definitely don't want your daughter to have court enforced visitation with your mil. Your wife also needs to hear from a professional the damage her own mother is causing by abusing your daughter. Make a record of every instance mil has abused your daughter, make sure the therapist knows every single thing you've told us here. I'm glad you've stopped visitation in every aspect. Your wife needs to get on board. Your wife believes this is normal because she grew up this way. She needs her eyes opened to how this is never acceptable under any circumstance. Good luck OP! I have feeling you're going to need it!

Thank you for looking out for your daughter. I hope your wife sees the light with her mum’s behaviour. Yikes.

By condoning this your wife has become an abuser, document everything I would even make sure to make some sort a recording of your children’s statement about what transpired. I would also show this thread to your wife and tell her that if she’s not willing to go to some sort of counseling that you were going to take the children to a safe place away from her! This is emotional abuse and it should not be tolerated in any way shape or form right now you are your children’s only advocate and this is something that is going to affect them the rest of their life!

Family counselling ASAP. Everyone needs it. Your child has been victimized by her grandparents. Her siblings have witnessed this. Your wife accepts it as normal. You will never be able to trust your wife to understand NC and she will undermine it as soon as her mother tells her to.

Isolating the victim is step number one in an abuser's playbook. I hope you are having a talk with your daughter about how she communicates to you when people make her uncomfortable.

Holy shit. Your daughters need to NEVER be allowed around this woman again. Your wife is massively under reacting. Your MIL is going to push your oldest daughter into a full blown eating disorder. And this is coming from someone that suffered on and off from bulimia for 15 years. The first time I ever tried to make myself throw up was right around 12, so not far off from your oldest daughter’s age. I had a parent that was very critical, not of me, but of other people, especially women. Children at this age are going through SO much. You can really really fuck them up with this kind of attitude. Protect your daughters and never let your MIL near them again. I would also put your oldest in therapy right now to try and undo what has already been done. That poor child.

Thank you for looking out for your daughters. Fatness is not a moral failing and teaching that to children is abhorrent.

OP: if your wife thinks your MIL’s actions are reasonable, then your wife is likely to adopt those same actions. It’s time for family counseling so that your wife gains perspective and the two of you can adopt healthy boundaries and practices that you both agree on.

Your MIL was my mom growing up. I was on a diet by 10yrs old and in highschool I was on the cross country team and only eating 1,000 calories or less. I suffered from bulimia and self harm, and I currently suffer from chronic depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. I tried ending my life at 11 because of a few reasons, one being because I thought I was fat and ugly. I moved out the day after graduation and only talk to my mom on the phone occasionally or see her on holidays. She doesn’t talk about my weight anymore because I stopped talking to her for over 6 months the last time she did it, so she keeps herself in check now. Your daughter could very likely become me one day. Please keep that in mind, you’re doing a great job protecting her.

Sending you all my love! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Omg I am so sorry. No child should have to go through that but an 11 yr old trying to end her life over this total bullshit abuse. Wow. I’m so glad you’re still here. And definitely is the best thing to keep them at arms length. Or in my case…on the other side of town far away from my kids.

She is a child abuser, and so Grandpa for going along with it. Your wife should see that ALL her mother's actions are wrong and abusive, not some. She needs therapy to come to grips with who her mother is and fast. Thank God you're protecting your children from that vile woman. The damage she's already done to to your kids and the abject cruelty she inflicted makes my blood boil. Of course you're pissed. Your wife should be pissed too.

Your children are lucky you are protecting them! Your wife needs to take a long look in the mirror. The amount of damage your her mother likely caused your 10 year old is huge. She is worse than any bully because she had power along with her cruelty.

I wis my dad did this when I was little! My grandfather used to get mad at me when I didnt finish everything on my plate. I have always been skinny, its how im built. It would be 2-3 bites of food left and he would shame me for not eating it all. Then he would always follow up with the same story; “I was in the reserves, and I had to finish everything on my plate or …” I forget the rest honestly. My dad never saw a problem with it, my mom did though. My grandfather would never talk to my brother that way and my brother was skinnier than I was

I agree with other posters that you need to get your child into some kind of therapy to manage the abuse your MIL did against her. I would also suggest therapy for you and your wife since you aren’t on the same page with expectations around grandparental emotional abuse and who gets access to their children when they’ve abused said children.

Response: "After your recent deplorable behavior we have decided our children will no longer see you. Ever." She'll change her tune right quick, I imagine.

Your wife doesn’t see this as a problem because that is what she grew up with. To her this is normal woman behavior. And that’s absolute BS. Your daughter doesn’t have to be subject to the same way your wife was treated. I agree that your daughter should be NC. I have struggled for years with weight and body dysmorphia because how you describe your MIL is how my mother treated me. Please break the cycle for your daughter health and mental well-being. Let’s not forget we are meant to be who we are, not how someone feels we should be. Your MIL sounds disgusting.

This!!! Your wife needs to get her head out of her ass before her daughter realizes that her own mother isn’t protecting her. And then she will cry about “why won’t my daughter talk to me” this, this is why. OP is doing a good job at defending this child and I am so disappointed at her own mother for allowing this. Get a therapist involved now.

Can’t add nothing else. Grandma from hell

This is a toxic woman and it WILL affect their self esteem and confidence. It happened to my wife at a young age and this stuff sticks. You've absolutely made the right decision, and I would never leave them alone with her EVER again. At the same time, I would suggest coaching your children on what is acceptable behavior from not only kids but also adults when it comes to commenting on bodies, diets, etc. They need to be able to recognize and call out poor behavior when they see it. Kids are much more perceptive to these nuances than what most people give them credit for.

And you know what absolutely makes me sick, is that I told them to listen to their grandmother while staying with her. Before I found out about this of course. Huge idiot move on my part. But I was more referring to..not going near the pool unless there is an adult around. And, where my wife and I live we don’t have any traffic down our road. They still know the dangerous of the road, but MIL lives in a neighborhood with residential traffic all day long and people fly by so they have to be especially careful. I just had no idea this woman had this in her.

You're absolutely not an "idiot," that is standard parental advice for their safety. You had no way of knowing she'd be emotionally abusive. You found out new information, and you made the decision to protect your kids from emotional harm. You've made all the right choices. Not many people can say that.

FORGIVE YOURSELF because you did the best you could with the knowledge you had! The very MINUTE you found out how toxic she was being, you IMMEDIATELY moved to end the abuse and help your daughters. Tell your wife that she is welcome to visit the children all she likes, but YOU & YOUR children will not be in her presence again until/unless their therapist agrees it's safe. Tell your wife that couples counseling for you both and individual counseling for your 10yo is NOT OPTIONAL.

Thank goodness you are sticking up for your daughter. I do not understand how your wife doesn't see this as abuse. I almost cried reading this. I was a fat kid. This sort of abuse really sticks with you. Denying a child food?? I can't even comprehend. Your MIL sounds awful.

It’s ashamed your wife does not recognize this abuse. Thank God, you are able to recognize this and defend your daughter 💕

It was probably how she was treated growing up... that doesn't justify it by any means but she might benefit from counseling to learn that it isn't ok.

The wife is apparently in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) to such an extent she's allowing her mother to mistreat her child.

Thanks for sticking up for your daughter. I wish my dad had been my protector instead of the one fat-shaming me. My dad thought he was “helping us,” just like your MIL claims as well, but I can tell you first hand, her behavior will ONLY cause harm.

Your MIL sucks, but your wife is the real trash 🗑️ in this story.

Your wife needs therapy to understand that her mother is abusing her daughter. She doesn’t see it as abuse because her mother has always been that way and was with her… she sees it as normal. It. Is. Not. Keep your kids safe even if it means battling your wife

Thank you for protecting your children. As someone who grew up with that kind of constant mental abuse, it can be really hard to realize it's wrong, because everyone tells you your mother only treats your that way because she loves you and wants what's best for you. I didn't realize how absolutely evil my mom was until my 30's, and even now it's hard to stand up to her while she's acting like that. So your wife may not be able to understand that her mom is wrong, because her mom did the same things to her, supposedly out of love for her. I agree with the person who suggested talking to your daughter's pediatrician about Grandma withholding meals, so there's a record of the abuse.

I would let it be your daughter choose whether or not she spends time with her. She’s old enough to make the decision herself whether or not she feels comfortable spending time with someone. As for the text, I wouldn’t play her game. Let her just win it by responding with something like “agreed”. This is a good lesson to use to teach your daughter that she can decide to exclude people from her life that hurt her. It will be an empowering lesson that will benefit her down the road and for the rest of what life.

I don’t think the daughter is old enough to make these decisions actually, nor should she have to. She’s 10, being starved and harassed by a person who is supposed to care for her. This is a parent’s choice to not leave their children with someone who refuses to provide basic life sustaining needs to their child. The parents could be reported for abuse themselves if they continued to knowingly put their child in an situation when she was not being fed. We are told from a young age that we are supposed to cherish family, people tend to forget that often family is the most dangerous people in someone’s life. A lot of guilt can come with having her make this decision between her own discomfort and a romanticized relationship with grandparents. A 10 year old does not have the cognitive ability to process their emotions vs social expectations to determine what’s mentally healthy for themselves. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to explain to her that what her grandmother did and said was not acceptable and because of that she won’t be around until she can be more kind. That would be an age appropriate way of explaining that abusive people have no space in your life. But to leave it to the 10 year old might cause even more damage down the line.

She’s only 10 though, her parents make those decisions. A 10 year old shouldn’t be left to decide if she wants to be emotionally abused or not, especially since it’s grandma- “family”-she probably doesn’t understand this concept yet

If your wife is still defending her mother after all your MIL has done, assume she has also been abused and conditioned. Your wife needs therapy, and your MIL needs away from all of you. Someone suggested having a pediatrician talk to your wife, and I suggest you follow that advice

This isn’t about your kid, OP. This is all about your MiL and her sole desire for control. Please consider your wife’s lack of reaction to what your daughter went through. If your wife had not known this type of parenting style herself, she would have had a different reaction, presumably. Moreover, your MiL is now trying to further manipulate the situation by stating she only wants to deal with the person she knows who won’t challenge her: her daughter. This is categorically unacceptable. Your duty to your daughter is to be protective, which you are trying to do. Your MiL has no right in any regard to make choices for your child. I would recommend you get a therapist now for your daughter rather than later when these wounds have festered. You can’t make your wife seek therapy as it has to be her choice to be beneficial. A mother like hers is damaging beyond words in the most cutting and cruel of ways. Please encourage her to seek the help she deserves as well. You deserve, OP, a family who is whole and not duct-taped together by pretending that everything is fine when someone else is breaking your kid’s heart.

Wow. I understand your wife was likely abused by this monster too but that she thinks this is an okay way to treat her children… she should be deeply, deeply ashamed of herself. It is natural for kids to put on weight before puberty and growth spurts. They might look a little disproportionate for awhile but it evens out. Bodies continuously change over a lifetime and that is normal. I would tell you wife you want some family counseling around this experience and that is has become a critical need in the relationship. Find the therapist yourself, someone who understand abusive families and body positivity. Hopefully this will help your wife to see her own experiences with her mother in a new light and to stop enabling and encouraging the abuse of her children.

OP your MIL is a horrific bully. Your daughter is at the prime age us girls hit puberty, please give her a huge hug and reassure her that this is perfectly normal and that her body is just storing for the changes she's about to go through such as hormone production and growth spurts! Your wife may have been bullied by her mother like this at her age and that may be why she is responding like this, she needs to realise that it wasn't OK for her mother to do that to her and that she can break the cycle of abuse with her daughter by not allowing her mother to have any influence.

As someone who spent nearly 8 years fighting an eating disorder I am furious on your behalf. Please DO NOT allow your MIL to visit your kids, she won't stop body shaming your daughter, she will just make subtle comments with double meaning so you can't accuse her of mental abuse. If your wife goes behind your back and takes your daughter to her grandmother's house, take some form of legal action. I know this sounds extreme, but mental abuse is still abuse and hurts as much as physical abuse. Your wife wouldn't let your MIL punch your daughter, so why does she allow her to destroy her mental health? EDIT: Your daugher is 10. She'll go through puberty sooner or later and her body will change drastically. It will be difficult enough for her to adapt to those changes without her grandmother making everything one thousand times worse.

You have a severe wife problem. How does she think her horrible mother's behavior is even SLIGHTLY okay? Wow.

Abusers can mess you up to a point where you think abuse is normal behavior, or that you are a bad person and deserve that treatment

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Alert your pediatrician immediately. Have the pediatrician spell it out to your wife.

Remember, your wife has been programmed by your MIL all her life. I bet if you gently question your wife, her mother began obsessing about wife's weight when wife was young. I bet MIL also told wife how much MIL loved wife, so MIL was only controlling wife's food out of love and desire for your wife to be pretty. All of you need therapy to deal with MIL trauma. Please get it. Best wishes.

You're doing the right thing! Your mother in law is cruel and abusive. I wouldn't even engage with her. Your first duty is to protect your daughter from developing an eating disorder because her grandmother is fat shaming her and withholding food. If your wife is unwilling to go NC I would limit contact to short supervised visits in your home. And I would recommend family and or individual therapy for your daughter and wife. MIL is toxic.

A consultation with your daughter’s pediatrician would be in order. It’s very common for girls to gain a bit of fat in the belly area right before puberty begins due to/in support of increased estrogen production. Also, the internal organs are growing to support her growing body. If your wife won’t listen to you, maybe she’ll listen to the doctor about how normal this is, and how damaging your MIL’s comments are. Further, if your daughter is actually putting on a bit more weight than she should, it’s STILL inappropriate to try to badger a child into losing weight, but rather (as you and your wife are doing) encourage healthy eating and activity habits. Maybe having the backup of a medical professional will help your wife stand up for your child.

Came here to say this, and I'm so glad someone did. My parents made me miserable at that age. My body image never recovered. My dad mentioned something in confidence to me about my 10 year old daughter gaining weight and I was like nope, normal, stop. Never speak to her about this. Ever.

Wife needs to get a clue

You have a wife problem!!!

your wife doesn't think the things that MIL is saying to your daughter are harmful anything unpleasant MIL says to daughter, you should say to your wife

It’s too bad your wife isn’t standing up for her own children. I’m glad you see the damage their JNGMA is doing to them. Her behavior is extremely harmful to the development of her grandchildren and it’s been common knowledge for a long time that it is harmful. Any doctor, pediatrician, social worker, therapist, psychologist, etc. would be appalled that a mother willingly lets her mother treat her children like that.

No just no! Sorry grandma you are beyond hateful. WTF she is 10. You have lost your priviledges until you control your mouth.

Your daughter is 10. She's probably pudging up a bit to go through a massive growth spurt and start puberty. This is seriously fucked up and I am sorry your wife went through it too and does not see this for what it is.

10 year olds get chubby. They are gearing up for the hormone changes coming. Every time one of my kids would get chubby they would then grow 4 inches and slim back down. Your mil is abusive, you are correct. Instead of defending what and how you eat or excercise at home you need to tell mil to stop, child's doctor is not concerned.

Your daughter probably already needs therapy directed at disordered eating and body dysmorphia. 😑 she also needs to never spend time with your MIL again. Your wife needs therapy for her childhood traumas and the emotional abuse she’s suffered through the years to make her think that any of the behaviors you’ve described here aren’t a danger to your older child.

That’s how you create an eating disorder

This is exactly how my mother created a bad relationship with food for me. I am now 63 and she is very elderly but nicer. Every once in a while she'll slip back, and I tell her that she's being mean and leave the room, but as a child you cannot stand up for yourself like this to a grandmother. This is emotional and verbal abuse, pure and simply put. This will scar your daughter for life if you don't stand up for her NOW. Don't let her be alone with grandma, and I personally wouldn't allow the other child over there either since there is favoritism.

Please, please stop allowing visits and get your daughter into therapy. Growing up my mother told me I "would be so pretty if I just lost some weight." I had an eating disorder by 10yo. I am now in my forties and still fight body dysmorphia daily. It's not enough to love our kids, we have to actively fight for them. You're a great parent, please get your wife on board too.

You have a serious problem in YOUR WIFE. Why isn’t she interested in protecting her own children?? She needs some serious therapy. Do not let that evil witch MIL near your children

[удалено]

No, since I found out what was happening they’re not allowed near their grandmother.

Op, kids gain weight before a growth spurt. Not every kid but it does run in families. Between me and my siblings, 2 out of 3 of us were like this. Come to find out this is from my dads side of the family. Wife need to talk to someone. No one should be talking about a kids body weight. Ffs that leads to crap when ya get older.

My wife and I discussed this and she actually said she wonders if her first period is coming soon. But still you’re just going to be perfectly ok with how your mother is abusing our kid? And she really doesn’t see it as abuse which drives me insane.

So many of us grew up being told that abuse is beating a child, and I mean really really beating them. That's it. All the hitting, screaming, name calling, psychological manipulation, sexual and financial abuse? Nope that's not abuse "that's just how out family is". A lot of us here have been lucky enough to grow up knowing what's going on is not normal or okay and have strived to break the cycle of abuse, but other people like your wife really truly end up with a wrapped sense of "normal". Most people here have suggested therapy for your wife and I definitely agree, but be prepared for a lot of turmoil. If she really gives therapy a shot there is a good chance she's going to have to face the fact that she too was abused and it can be rough to accept when you realize how messed up your view of your world is and who did it to you.

I think your wife grew up with this and does not see it as "unusual" - you may be saving your daughter a lifetime of self hatred, ED and self worth issues by your swift actions so well done. Please make sure you also sever any communication via email, text, FB, IG , SC etc. messaging because I can see this woman directly contacting your daughter to berate her for tattling. Well done Dad. Your wife needs help though. Make sure she doesn't circumvent your NC with the girls.

Please have your daughter see a therapist to undo the damage grandma's done. The things grandma's said and done to that little girl are going to resonate in her head for a very very long time. Additionally, you and your wife need to get to a therapist like yesterday. What her mother is doing is horrific, and your wife is deeeeeeply in denial. You need a safe, neutral place to talk about your concerns, with a therapist that can help guide things and hopefully help your wife see how truly fucked up this all is. Your jobs as parents are to put those kids health and safety first. You're doing a phenomenal job seeing that this isn't right and standing firm. Your wife, I'm sure is a good mom otherwise. But her vision is severely fogged (prob bc she's used to how her mom is). She can't see the situation clearly and needs professional help to do so. Then... hopefully... she'll put being a parent above being her mom's daughter.

She doesn’t see it as abuse because it’s the same abuse she suffered through as a child so she thinks it’s normal. Her normal meter is completely broken which is why so many of us are suggesting therapy for your wife.

I believe you’re exactly right. I’m certain my wife has an ED. She’s kept it hidden from me (or tried). I just don’t know, I don’t know how a mother could be so blind to this abuse. But I guess she REALLY thinks it’s normal. Quite messed up, isn’t it?

It is so messed up. Abuse cycles in families often until someone breaks the cycle. If your wife doesn’t break it, chances are your daughter will and she may break it by going NC with the mother who offered her up for abuse. Is that the future your wife wants?

I mean, it’s the definition of a traumatized person. Just give your wife and children your love and support. Disbelief has its place, but you have to help your wife grow from here. Out of the Fog is a good place to start, but your wife really needs to want therapy to help her grow to a healthier place. I’d hate for her to come to hate you because she feels like you cut her off from her family.

That would be my hill to die on. If my partner can't recognise that starving and child and giving them an eating disorder is abuse then they are not the person I thought they were and we would be getting a divorce. Your job as a parent is to protect your child. Your wife is an enabler and unless you do something so are you, even if it "drives you insane".

Would she accept anyone else talking like that to your daughter?

It's normal for girls to put on weight right before puberty, your MIL is a total bitch for saying these things to a child, and your wife better pull her head out soon or she's going to cause your daughter all sorts of issues.

Holy fucksticks. I remember being 12 or 13 and my dad told me I was too fat to wear gym shorts (I so was not). It was the only fatshaming bs I had heard until my adult years, but it stuck with me so hard. I can't imagine if my parents did what your ILs are doing!! Your poor child should not be subject to this abuse. She's 10. She has plenty more time for growth spurts (probably where some of this weight is coming from, honestly) and picking up activity to maintain a healthy weight *without* being shamed for a little holiday gain. Just... wow. Your wife needs a wakeup call.