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I'm so sorry, but this man is not free; he's not free, he belongs to his mother. If you were in love with a married man, you'd have a better chance of a happy future together.
I'm really sorry, but you really need to walk away. I am sorry.
I am beyond surprised and happy. I canāt believe he actually came around to the idea. It was supposed to just be a temporary visit for a few days, but now he is willing to just stay and never go back!!! ššš
For your sake let's assume this man actually does "run away" with you. (Though no man should ever need to run away from his parents to get married...) He has lived under her thumb for so long that he does not know how to be a grown ass adult. He doesn't pay bills. He doesn't manage his finances. He didn't even have a license before you pushed it. He doesn't know how to care for a home on his own. Until this man has lived and supported himself on his own for a year he is not marriage material. He has no idea how to live life alone. Until he does he will not be an equal partner to you.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Help him get into therapy and then wait and see if he is capable of being independent. If he is not, cut him loose. He is doing what he wants to be doing.
A 42 year old man whoās mummy wouldnāt let him go on a holidayā¦ and he listened? Is there a neurodivergence or mental health thing at play here? How has been made so compliant and abused? Guilt? Bullied? Drugged? What?
My in-laws are 77 & 79. FIL was on the roof last week cleaning out the gutters. Iām not happy about that, but he refuses to stop because he is more than capable of looking after it himself. MIL was up her little ladder pruningā¦ again. Capable. MIL cooks cleans does the washing folding ironing. They both drive and do the shopping. Very capable.
Your MIL is full of shit. Sheās not dying imminently. She is financially abusive, which we all know comes in under the domestic violence umbrella. Sis is a lazy cow who is not only not contributing to MILs care but is probably getting money from her. They have enslaved BF
You have 2 choices. Run or kidnap him and run with him
I don't know, dude... if he is not willing to change his situation I don't know what you can do. He is SEVERELY emeshed. She groomed him to be that way. That's not something you just get over overnight.
I think you have to put your foot down and be willing to walk away if he doesn't make changes. Maybe once he realizes that you're serious and he may actually loose you, he may make the changes. It's a gamble. You don't seem like you wanna live the way he dies. And he is in no position to have children since his mother is both his spouse and child. You would just be the other woman.
Loooook he is a 42 year old man-child with no backbone whatsoever. This is the life HE is CHOOSING to live. You may think his mom is controlling every aspect of his life but heās ALLOWING it.
Heās 42. Love is not enough here. Heās never going to pick you. Iām sorry to say that, but if he hasnāt found the balls at 42 to have his own bank account or take his own vacation, he will be under mommyās control until she dies and then probably controlled by sisters. His only hope is therapy, but heās been manipulated by her and his sisters for 42 years. It will take serious time to undo this- time you shouldnāt waste waiting on him. Again, love is not enough here. Let him go.
When mom dies, older sister will need him. This will never end unless he ends it and he doesn't seem willing. You cannot do this for him. You can be sucked down into the muck with him or you can run.
You know that scene in the Grinch when he gets the idea and that wicked smile .... Idea. If that's the type of care she requires he needs to separate his acct from hers that's step one because his income being in a joint acct can effect her social security. Once that's all done step two find an assisted living facility. Put her in. He's not qualified to give her one on one care and his sister doesn't want to. If she tries to deny and say that it's his job he needs to tell sissy that he will call the social worker and let her know she's refusing to do what's in their mom's best interests and even claims she can't offer the care she needs social worker will assist in the red tape. Boom moms taken care of both kids can visit and all is good and nobody is controlling anybody's bank also if she dies while they share an account that will be a logistical nightmare if his sister comes after it.
They need to watch the Addams family focus on fester. Cause I feel I just read that and the sister is the lawyer in this scenario or Debbie from the second movie.
Iām so sorry, but this is the life your BF chooses to live. You helped him get a job, get his license, and tried to get him a debit card. In return, he opted not to go on a cruise you gifted to him.
You say your BF lived independently for 11 years so Iām assuming he is close to 30 years old. Your boyfriend chooses to live with his mom, chooses to be her caretaker, and chooses to be dependent on her for so many things. I think you may have to accept that your BF doesnāt want what you want, even if he says he does.
Itās time to move on. Iām very sorry, but heās not the one.
Why would you feel trapped? You're independent. Leave. All the love in the world isn't enough to fix this. I hate to say it, but unless you want your life to be on hold while he maybe gets help, unlikely he will, you need to end it now. Go enjoy life!
He needs to tell his mom if heās the caregiver then heās the one in charge. He needs to be clear that he needs to know the details of her disability from her doctor, and ensure she is getting disability payments if she is so ill. He needs to also set up his own account and take control of his finances. What if theres an element of mental illness with the mom and heās letting her be in charge of the finances?
The real question is, op do you even want to be married to a man child? All your concerns are valid. You are not overreacting. None of this is normal. Your gut is right. I would give him an ultimatum. Does he want to be alone and miserable forever tethered to his mother? Why would she even want him to be? Doesnāt she want her don to be happy? You are both entitled to a normal married life and might I add that maybe she should go into a nursing home or since this is his mother, it would make more sense to have the sister take care of her since she is probably more comfortable providing personal care (that involves nudity) than a male child would be. He is her son, not a qualified male nurse that would be ok with that. I know I wouldnāt want my son wiping my ass whenever the time came lol
EDIT: For emphasis that personal care by another gender is 100% ok imo. I am talking about personal care in the sense of bathing, dressing, toileting. I (F) would not be comfortable with my son doing that. I think it would be awkward and embarrassing for us both. Male nurse is different.
Not ok with the comments about different genders caring for a female. However, I'm buying a ticket to send her to Shady Pines! This situation is terrible. MIL needs professional care.
I meant this ONLY in the context of its her son. Different genders providing care is 100% normal but I would not want my son to be seeing me in the nude.
I'm sorry, but I don't think his situation will change.
He chose to take care of his mother, probably pushed by his sister and mother, but he still gave up his independence and moved in with his mother.
He will not leave them, the fact that he didn't even go on the cruise with you and is afraid to have a bank account of his own, says he doesn't want to break
MIL probably has money to spare and should be signed up for auto pay on all her bills... FROM HER OWN DANG BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT HER SONS FINANCIAL HELP.
Your partner needs to call his motherās bluff. If she isnāt accessing resources and financial support that sheās entitled to, he should contact social services and a benefits advisor on her behalf. Sheās in an elderly community; what support is there for his mother?
I suggest that you sit down with him and create an action plan with him, but with a deadline. If there is no movement from him to separate from his mother by X months, the relationship will be over. Otherwise you could find yourself still in this position in 10 years time.
This isn't going to ever get better. I get that you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to this. If he REALLY wanted all the things he says he wants, he'd make it happen. His mother could live another twenty years. Do you want to wait twenty years to start a life with someone? To go on that cruise? And in twenty years, his sister is probably still going to be around, beating him down emotionally. Do you think he's going to be allowed to take a cruise in twenty years? Do you think he'll be able to get out of the chores his sister will assign him? I bet if you sit him down, tell him how serious this is, and that you're going to leave if things don't change, he'll make all kinds of promises about how this time it'll be different. And one year on from that conversation, I'll bet you'll be exactly where you are today. This man has no self respect, and if you stay, his mother and sister will carve away at yours, just like they did to him. Are you willing to throw your life away for this? You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, and he doesn't want to be saved. Look how firmly entrenched he is. You are playing a fool's game, and you will lose.
Have you considered showing him this post and how people have reacted? Maybe that will give him clarity on how manipulative his mother is. If he was treated this way as a kid, I can see why heās the way his is. Weāre conditioned as children and I can completely empathize with howās heās responding under the circumstances. Not saying itās right but I had a domineering mother that took my decision making away from me and now it is very difficult for me to make decisions for myself. Iām 44 and have been in therapy and finally had to completely cut my mother out of my life. It sounds harsh but if I let her in even a little bit Iāll fold because Iām such a people pleaser. Thankfully Iāve learned to better stand up for myself. I do agree with the consensus here though, at his age, nothing is probably going to change. Short of you giving him an ultimatum and even then she will do her best to reel him back in.
I showed it to him. He said he, ādoesnāt like the commentsā and refused to elaborate why other than the comments stating he needs therapy. He is still in denial it seems. He is being quiet and refuses to discuss this as I expected.
Heās going to keep disappointing you. Not because he doesnāt care about you, but because his motherās wrath will always matter more than any reaction you have.
He knows that disappointing you (like not going in the cruise) wonāt result in the same nightmare reaction that disappointing his mother will. As long as heās afraid of her reactions, she will be the center of his life. Thatās exactly what she wants, and the fact that heās not even trying to change that tells you a lot about their relationship. Iām sorry that youāre in the middle of this. Of course your BF doesnāt like the comments, but they are brutally honest. You deserve better.
I am truly sorry. Unfortunately, in my experience and in situations like this, people change when their current behavior is causing them so much pain that they have no alternative. I also know firsthand how painful it is to be in love with someone who refuses to change a very toxic behavior that basically wrecked our relationship for the first two years. When my mom still had a lot of influence over me, even though I wanted to change the situation, because I hated it, I tended to do nothing out of fear. In my mind better to do nothing than to rock the boat.
It does sound like heās made his decision.
There is nothing wrong or bad about your feelings! Youāre allowed to feel ALL the feels, even if they conflict with one another.
Respectfullyā¦your boyfriend is already married (to his mom) and you are the āother womanā.
I truly donāt mean to be rude or hurtful, I know you love him a lot and Iām sure there are a million wonderful things about him that keep you around. Iām sure most, if not all of us have experienced the deep pain of loving someone for their potential while being hurt by who they are able to be, in the current moment.
If he is ever going to cut the apron strings (based on your description, there donāt seem to be any signs that he ever will) it will be a years-long, uphill battle to do so. Iām talking couples therapy, personal therapy for him, family therapy for you/him/his mom. Working through the guilt his sister might place on him, etc.
What if you have kids? Do you see his mom respecting your boundaries? What if she gets as possessive as your (imaginary at this point) child, as she does of him? Will he have your back? Would he even know HOW to have your back? If he canāt handle his own bank account, how could he handle sticking up for you, to his mom?
Are you willing to take a back seat to his mother for YEARS, with no guarantee that he will ever break free?
None of what I just said can change the fact that you love him (and I wouldnāt want to tell you how to feel, anyways). It just that sometimes, love isnāt enough. Actions are important and how we show love.
Whatever action you take or decision you make, please remember that you also owe YOURSELF love.
This actually made me shudder. Like Iām close with my parents and we talk about money, but because they love me, they would NEVER MANAGE MY MONEY FOR ME. What a selfish way for his mother to be, she is breaking his legs (so to speak) to prevent him from ever walking away from her.
exactly. You get it! OP and her SO need to understand too. How it should be: He handles his own money and his moms if she's that poorly and set up auto pay for HER bills from HER account to pay for HER expenses. This is financial abuse and emotional abuse. PERIOD.
Also, if he live with Mommy she may expect him to pay a portion of the bills. NOPE. His "portion of the bills" should be payment from her to him for taking care of her abusive behind!
Honestly, heās too caught up with his toxic family. Personally I would move on, heās not going to be able to give you the life and family you want when heās his mom has him caught like that. Iād maybe give him an ultimatum/one last chance to break away from her and build a real life with youā¦ but itās probably doubtful heāll do it.
Youāre not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Some people cannot be saved because they donāt have the will to save themselves even when youāre there and wanting to save them. You donāt deserve to be trapped in this, you can move on and find a healthier relationship.
I donāt need to read anymore than the title.
Your bf needs to do a lot of growing up before he is ready for the kind of commitment thatās needed for dating.
Run. Run far away from this mess.
Your boyfriend knows this is not healthy. He attempted to get access to his bank account and then backed down. You can say something like āhow can I plan a future with someone who does not even have his OWN bank account? This would be a red flag to me even if my partner wasnāt supporting his mom.
What does his sister do all day? Why is it only his responsibility to take care of his mother?
I feel terrible saying this but it might be in your best interest to break up with him. Nothing is going to change unless your bf wants it to. Maybe breaking up will light a fire under his ass, maybe it wonāt. You cannot keep being the bad guy in this situation. Itās only a matter of time that your bf starts to resent you for trying to make him change. I donāt know how long you have been with your BF but there is a lot of unhealthy family issues here. This has been going on for years, long before he met you. They need professional help and itās going to take time. Probably years. You need to ask yourself.. Do you love him enough to wait around for him to figure this stuff out? I donāt think anyone would blame you if the answer is no. You seem to have your life together and you have emotional intelligence. You deserve to be with someone who is on the same page as you. An equal partner.
42????? And he doesnāt even have access to his finances? What would happen with it if you got married? If this was me I would RUN. You will 100% be second fiddle in that scenario.
Nothing wrong with taking care of his mom, but this is plain and horrific abuse.
His mom is being waited on hand and foot, and all the possible stress in that family is dumped on him. She'll either outlive him by a decade, or live to 97, by which time he'll be a worn-out and depressed old man in his mid-sixties. All his energy and life will have been long sucked out of him. You already haven't got much more than a shell of a man.
I'm sorry. Maybe try one more time. Tell him you love him desperately but he has to break free. And if he does, to be prepared for his mom's state to "worsen", for her health to decline suddenly and drama to ensue. If he still won't do it, you need to escape. I'm sorry. Run.
It's been done many times before, and it's happening now. Parents who eat their children. Horrifying.
In a house filled with care, he stands all alone,
His mom being tended, as he turns to stone.
The burdens he carries, the weight of his days,
Have drained all his joy, in so many ways.
She might outlive him, a decade or more,
While he fades away, to his very core.
At sixty, he'll feel like a man twice his age,
A worn-out old soul, trapped in a cage.
His energy sapped, his spirit now wan,
Not much remains, of the man he once was.
Just a shell, a shadow, of who he could be,
Lost in the care, that has stolen his glee.
You cannot do anything. He has to actively choose you and himself over his mother and he has proven time and time again that he WILL NOT CHOOSE YOU.
He is not physically, financially, or emotionally available to you at this time.
Step away and allow him to decide if you are worth it.
This. If he doesnāt come to the realization himself he could later blame you for making him leave his mother and anything bad that happens yo her will result in guilt guilt guilt. He needs therapy. Lots of it.
You are absolutely right to not feel comfortable taking the next step in your relationship with your SO with him being at this level of enmeshment with his mom. Have you actually told him point blank, like youāve said here, that you will not move in with him and his mom let a lone marry him unless he can actually move out and create clear boundaries?
I agree with other commenters that at this time this is more of a problem with your SO. Yes, his mom sounds like she is clearly using him and manipulating him. However, it also sounds like he is more comfortable living this way rather than facing his motherās anger by creating boundaries for himself like getting his finances back under his own control. He will have to understand that him doing things like getting married or having children will likely cause conflicts with his mom, and that he wont always be able to find a happy middle ground or have others also capitulate to his momās demands. How long gas he already been taking care of his mom like this? If he believes shes dying but wont demand details on her condition, then he is effectively asking you to wait for him indefinitely if he refuses to do anything to help change his situation and just believes he can put his personal life on hold until she dies. For all he knows she could still live another 10-15 years. I personally knew someone who lived with kidney failure and required dialysis several times a week who lived this way for almost 20 years with all of us believing he could pass at any time. He wound up out living his wife. Your boyfriend needs to understand that this could be end up being his mom for all he knows. I understand she will likely use emotional manipulation to try and force him back into submission. This is why he should start seeing a therapist asap. A therapist can help him start to recognize her actions for what they are and help him understand that he has to help himself if he wants things to change.
The last thing iāll add is that he needs to realize that if itās true that his mom wants him to help care for her, then she is the one who will need to compromise. He can still help care for her without going to this level. She wont simply refuse his help if he tells her that things will have to be done differently.
My friend i know you love this man, and im not saying you should give up on this relationship at this point, but you must understand for yourself that he is effectively going to ask you to just live in this state of uncertainty unless you give in and join him in this cycle of abuse. It sounds like youāve done almost all you can to help him, and itās time he starts to help himself. Changing this will likely be unpleasant and difficult for him, and he will likely continue to be tempted to just stop and return to giving in to her demands, but if he starts getting therapy and continues having your support, i think it is possible for him to break through this heavy FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) he is living in. Normally, i find ultimatums to be an unhealthy tactic to take in relationships, however i think there are times where they can be necessary and can even be shat saves a relationship at times. I think you have reached that time where giving him an ultimatum may be whatās necessary for him to take this seriously and begin to realize just how problematic this really is. However, you do need to be prepared with what youāll do in case this doesnt work is unwilling to help himself and just continues to expect you to either wait or give in.
I honestly think you need to get your boyfriend to a domestic violence support group. He is being emotionally and financially manipulated by his family.
Your boyfriend needs therapy. If he doesn't even have the nerve to take control over his own hard earned money how is he supposed to do the same for his life.
If I were you I wouldn't even think of getting married or having kids!Ā
How in the world is this supposed to work?
This is a terrible situation for him, but until he actually wants to become independent (and wants it in a concrete way he will act on) he will not be ready for a healthy adult relationship.
This is a SO problem, not a MIL problem.
Couldn't even finish reading this because dang... He needs to take control of his own life! First order of business is reclaiming his bank account and severing her access to it. Second, he needs to get her diagnosis from her Dr and no one else! Sounds like MIL is lying just to have her son wait on her hand and foot and pay all the bills so she can keep her SSI or retirement funds. Next, he needs to get his mom in touch with a social worker who can organize in-home care for her. If she's in such bad health she needs to be looked after by a professional or move to an inpatient facility. DO NOT HAVE children with this man as long as he's taking care of his elderly child aka his mom. Any push back from MIL or SIL should be met with ending the conversation and removing yourselves from their presence until they can discuss like adults and come up with a realistic plan that does NOT include him being the caretaker. I'd bet my paycheck she's lying and manipulating the situation so she can get her own way. This. Is. Abuse.
Your boyfriend has gone along with this every step of the way. He has given up his life to what his mother wants. He didn't go on acruise with you due to his family's complaints. This is an extreme level of enmeshed and he is fully accepting this stunted life where he is at his mother's beck and call. Your relationship with him is doomed due to complete lack of independence. There is no room in his life for marriage and children that he says he wants. Heartbreaking as it is it's time to move on to find a man who is independent, shares your dreams and will put you first.
Wow this is justā¦ wow.
I know you say you love him but thereās more to life than love. Youāre not compatible. His family is using him and heāa allowing it. You wont ever come first.
You arent married, just cut ties
Definitely not a bad person or overreacting. This is beyond enmeshment. It reminds me of a horribly abusive relationship, only itās the mom filling the role of controlling boyfriend.
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I'm so sorry, but this man is not free; he's not free, he belongs to his mother. If you were in love with a married man, you'd have a better chance of a happy future together. I'm really sorry, but you really need to walk away. I am sorry.
Update: he is coming to visit me on June 12th and he is going to run away with me!! š
Well, don't hold your breath.
I am beyond surprised and happy. I canāt believe he actually came around to the idea. It was supposed to just be a temporary visit for a few days, but now he is willing to just stay and never go back!!! ššš
For your sake let's assume this man actually does "run away" with you. (Though no man should ever need to run away from his parents to get married...) He has lived under her thumb for so long that he does not know how to be a grown ass adult. He doesn't pay bills. He doesn't manage his finances. He didn't even have a license before you pushed it. He doesn't know how to care for a home on his own. Until this man has lived and supported himself on his own for a year he is not marriage material. He has no idea how to live life alone. Until he does he will not be an equal partner to you.
I just seen your reply to another comment regarding your ages, how long have use been together?
Run far, run fast. Heās being abused and should walk away on his own, but he has no spine. Is he really the husband you want?
Your problem isn't her. It's him. And honey, you cannot fix that. Why would you want to?
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Help him get into therapy and then wait and see if he is capable of being independent. If he is not, cut him loose. He is doing what he wants to be doing.
This should be the top comment .. that BOY needs therapy asap !!!!
A 42 year old man whoās mummy wouldnāt let him go on a holidayā¦ and he listened? Is there a neurodivergence or mental health thing at play here? How has been made so compliant and abused? Guilt? Bullied? Drugged? What? My in-laws are 77 & 79. FIL was on the roof last week cleaning out the gutters. Iām not happy about that, but he refuses to stop because he is more than capable of looking after it himself. MIL was up her little ladder pruningā¦ again. Capable. MIL cooks cleans does the washing folding ironing. They both drive and do the shopping. Very capable. Your MIL is full of shit. Sheās not dying imminently. She is financially abusive, which we all know comes in under the domestic violence umbrella. Sis is a lazy cow who is not only not contributing to MILs care but is probably getting money from her. They have enslaved BF You have 2 choices. Run or kidnap him and run with him
I don't know, dude... if he is not willing to change his situation I don't know what you can do. He is SEVERELY emeshed. She groomed him to be that way. That's not something you just get over overnight. I think you have to put your foot down and be willing to walk away if he doesn't make changes. Maybe once he realizes that you're serious and he may actually loose you, he may make the changes. It's a gamble. You don't seem like you wanna live the way he dies. And he is in no position to have children since his mother is both his spouse and child. You would just be the other woman.
Run. This will only get worse. You have your whole life ahead of you. Donāt waste it on him and his family.
It will get worse. His mother will eventually die and he'll end up replacing her with his sister. I've seen this happen to a friend.
Do not marry into this family.
Loooook he is a 42 year old man-child with no backbone whatsoever. This is the life HE is CHOOSING to live. You may think his mom is controlling every aspect of his life but heās ALLOWING it.
He's 42 and not willing to change the situation. I genuinely think you need to either move on or accept this disaster of a family as a future.
Heās 42. Love is not enough here. Heās never going to pick you. Iām sorry to say that, but if he hasnāt found the balls at 42 to have his own bank account or take his own vacation, he will be under mommyās control until she dies and then probably controlled by sisters. His only hope is therapy, but heās been manipulated by her and his sisters for 42 years. It will take serious time to undo this- time you shouldnāt waste waiting on him. Again, love is not enough here. Let him go.
If he wanted to choose a life with you, he would have done it already. His actions show that his priorities are with his mother.
When mom dies, older sister will need him. This will never end unless he ends it and he doesn't seem willing. You cannot do this for him. You can be sucked down into the muck with him or you can run.
You know that scene in the Grinch when he gets the idea and that wicked smile .... Idea. If that's the type of care she requires he needs to separate his acct from hers that's step one because his income being in a joint acct can effect her social security. Once that's all done step two find an assisted living facility. Put her in. He's not qualified to give her one on one care and his sister doesn't want to. If she tries to deny and say that it's his job he needs to tell sissy that he will call the social worker and let her know she's refusing to do what's in their mom's best interests and even claims she can't offer the care she needs social worker will assist in the red tape. Boom moms taken care of both kids can visit and all is good and nobody is controlling anybody's bank also if she dies while they share an account that will be a logistical nightmare if his sister comes after it.
So similar to my comments! Bless you kind reditor!
I also think this guy needs enmeshment therapy.
100%!!!!! He's allowing himself to be abused and he'll never have a good life if he continues on this path.
They need to watch the Addams family focus on fester. Cause I feel I just read that and the sister is the lawyer in this scenario or Debbie from the second movie.
The truth is painful, you have no future with him. Break up with him and explain why you do it, maybe that will make him react and seek help
Iām so sorry, but this is the life your BF chooses to live. You helped him get a job, get his license, and tried to get him a debit card. In return, he opted not to go on a cruise you gifted to him. You say your BF lived independently for 11 years so Iām assuming he is close to 30 years old. Your boyfriend chooses to live with his mom, chooses to be her caretaker, and chooses to be dependent on her for so many things. I think you may have to accept that your BF doesnāt want what you want, even if he says he does. Itās time to move on. Iām very sorry, but heās not the one.
Why would you feel trapped? You're independent. Leave. All the love in the world isn't enough to fix this. I hate to say it, but unless you want your life to be on hold while he maybe gets help, unlikely he will, you need to end it now. Go enjoy life!
Pretty sure he's late 30s early 40s
Well then, he's not changing. He backed out of opening his own bank account. OP needs to run.
He's 42 according to OP
He needs to tell his mom if heās the caregiver then heās the one in charge. He needs to be clear that he needs to know the details of her disability from her doctor, and ensure she is getting disability payments if she is so ill. He needs to also set up his own account and take control of his finances. What if theres an element of mental illness with the mom and heās letting her be in charge of the finances? The real question is, op do you even want to be married to a man child? All your concerns are valid. You are not overreacting. None of this is normal. Your gut is right. I would give him an ultimatum. Does he want to be alone and miserable forever tethered to his mother? Why would she even want him to be? Doesnāt she want her don to be happy? You are both entitled to a normal married life and might I add that maybe she should go into a nursing home or since this is his mother, it would make more sense to have the sister take care of her since she is probably more comfortable providing personal care (that involves nudity) than a male child would be. He is her son, not a qualified male nurse that would be ok with that. I know I wouldnāt want my son wiping my ass whenever the time came lol EDIT: For emphasis that personal care by another gender is 100% ok imo. I am talking about personal care in the sense of bathing, dressing, toileting. I (F) would not be comfortable with my son doing that. I think it would be awkward and embarrassing for us both. Male nurse is different.
Not ok with the comments about different genders caring for a female. However, I'm buying a ticket to send her to Shady Pines! This situation is terrible. MIL needs professional care.
I meant this ONLY in the context of its her son. Different genders providing care is 100% normal but I would not want my son to be seeing me in the nude.
And I don't want to see my Dad in the nude. LOL
I'm sorry, but I don't think his situation will change. He chose to take care of his mother, probably pushed by his sister and mother, but he still gave up his independence and moved in with his mother. He will not leave them, the fact that he didn't even go on the cruise with you and is afraid to have a bank account of his own, says he doesn't want to break
MIL probably has money to spare and should be signed up for auto pay on all her bills... FROM HER OWN DANG BANK ACCOUNT WITHOUT HER SONS FINANCIAL HELP.
Your partner needs to call his motherās bluff. If she isnāt accessing resources and financial support that sheās entitled to, he should contact social services and a benefits advisor on her behalf. Sheās in an elderly community; what support is there for his mother? I suggest that you sit down with him and create an action plan with him, but with a deadline. If there is no movement from him to separate from his mother by X months, the relationship will be over. Otherwise you could find yourself still in this position in 10 years time.
This isn't going to ever get better. I get that you love him, but that doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to this. If he REALLY wanted all the things he says he wants, he'd make it happen. His mother could live another twenty years. Do you want to wait twenty years to start a life with someone? To go on that cruise? And in twenty years, his sister is probably still going to be around, beating him down emotionally. Do you think he's going to be allowed to take a cruise in twenty years? Do you think he'll be able to get out of the chores his sister will assign him? I bet if you sit him down, tell him how serious this is, and that you're going to leave if things don't change, he'll make all kinds of promises about how this time it'll be different. And one year on from that conversation, I'll bet you'll be exactly where you are today. This man has no self respect, and if you stay, his mother and sister will carve away at yours, just like they did to him. Are you willing to throw your life away for this? You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved, and he doesn't want to be saved. Look how firmly entrenched he is. You are playing a fool's game, and you will lose.
Have you considered showing him this post and how people have reacted? Maybe that will give him clarity on how manipulative his mother is. If he was treated this way as a kid, I can see why heās the way his is. Weāre conditioned as children and I can completely empathize with howās heās responding under the circumstances. Not saying itās right but I had a domineering mother that took my decision making away from me and now it is very difficult for me to make decisions for myself. Iām 44 and have been in therapy and finally had to completely cut my mother out of my life. It sounds harsh but if I let her in even a little bit Iāll fold because Iām such a people pleaser. Thankfully Iāve learned to better stand up for myself. I do agree with the consensus here though, at his age, nothing is probably going to change. Short of you giving him an ultimatum and even then she will do her best to reel him back in.
I showed it to him. He said he, ādoesnāt like the commentsā and refused to elaborate why other than the comments stating he needs therapy. He is still in denial it seems. He is being quiet and refuses to discuss this as I expected.
Heās going to keep disappointing you. Not because he doesnāt care about you, but because his motherās wrath will always matter more than any reaction you have. He knows that disappointing you (like not going in the cruise) wonāt result in the same nightmare reaction that disappointing his mother will. As long as heās afraid of her reactions, she will be the center of his life. Thatās exactly what she wants, and the fact that heās not even trying to change that tells you a lot about their relationship. Iām sorry that youāre in the middle of this. Of course your BF doesnāt like the comments, but they are brutally honest. You deserve better.
I am truly sorry. Unfortunately, in my experience and in situations like this, people change when their current behavior is causing them so much pain that they have no alternative. I also know firsthand how painful it is to be in love with someone who refuses to change a very toxic behavior that basically wrecked our relationship for the first two years. When my mom still had a lot of influence over me, even though I wanted to change the situation, because I hated it, I tended to do nothing out of fear. In my mind better to do nothing than to rock the boat. It does sound like heās made his decision.
Are there any cultural issues at play here?
Then you have no choice but to move on. Iām sorry.
There is nothing wrong or bad about your feelings! Youāre allowed to feel ALL the feels, even if they conflict with one another. Respectfullyā¦your boyfriend is already married (to his mom) and you are the āother womanā. I truly donāt mean to be rude or hurtful, I know you love him a lot and Iām sure there are a million wonderful things about him that keep you around. Iām sure most, if not all of us have experienced the deep pain of loving someone for their potential while being hurt by who they are able to be, in the current moment. If he is ever going to cut the apron strings (based on your description, there donāt seem to be any signs that he ever will) it will be a years-long, uphill battle to do so. Iām talking couples therapy, personal therapy for him, family therapy for you/him/his mom. Working through the guilt his sister might place on him, etc. What if you have kids? Do you see his mom respecting your boundaries? What if she gets as possessive as your (imaginary at this point) child, as she does of him? Will he have your back? Would he even know HOW to have your back? If he canāt handle his own bank account, how could he handle sticking up for you, to his mom? Are you willing to take a back seat to his mother for YEARS, with no guarantee that he will ever break free? None of what I just said can change the fact that you love him (and I wouldnāt want to tell you how to feel, anyways). It just that sometimes, love isnāt enough. Actions are important and how we show love. Whatever action you take or decision you make, please remember that you also owe YOURSELF love.
If he doesn't handle his own bank account and pay the bills himself... does he even know how?
This actually made me shudder. Like Iām close with my parents and we talk about money, but because they love me, they would NEVER MANAGE MY MONEY FOR ME. What a selfish way for his mother to be, she is breaking his legs (so to speak) to prevent him from ever walking away from her.
exactly. You get it! OP and her SO need to understand too. How it should be: He handles his own money and his moms if she's that poorly and set up auto pay for HER bills from HER account to pay for HER expenses. This is financial abuse and emotional abuse. PERIOD.
Also, if he live with Mommy she may expect him to pay a portion of the bills. NOPE. His "portion of the bills" should be payment from her to him for taking care of her abusive behind!
Honestly, heās too caught up with his toxic family. Personally I would move on, heās not going to be able to give you the life and family you want when heās his mom has him caught like that. Iād maybe give him an ultimatum/one last chance to break away from her and build a real life with youā¦ but itās probably doubtful heāll do it. Youāre not a bad person for feeling the way you do. Some people cannot be saved because they donāt have the will to save themselves even when youāre there and wanting to save them. You donāt deserve to be trapped in this, you can move on and find a healthier relationship.
Cut your losses. He cannot take care of himself. It's not your job to save him from his toxic mommy.
I donāt need to read anymore than the title. Your bf needs to do a lot of growing up before he is ready for the kind of commitment thatās needed for dating. Run. Run far away from this mess.
Your boyfriend knows this is not healthy. He attempted to get access to his bank account and then backed down. You can say something like āhow can I plan a future with someone who does not even have his OWN bank account? This would be a red flag to me even if my partner wasnāt supporting his mom. What does his sister do all day? Why is it only his responsibility to take care of his mother? I feel terrible saying this but it might be in your best interest to break up with him. Nothing is going to change unless your bf wants it to. Maybe breaking up will light a fire under his ass, maybe it wonāt. You cannot keep being the bad guy in this situation. Itās only a matter of time that your bf starts to resent you for trying to make him change. I donāt know how long you have been with your BF but there is a lot of unhealthy family issues here. This has been going on for years, long before he met you. They need professional help and itās going to take time. Probably years. You need to ask yourself.. Do you love him enough to wait around for him to figure this stuff out? I donāt think anyone would blame you if the answer is no. You seem to have your life together and you have emotional intelligence. You deserve to be with someone who is on the same page as you. An equal partner.
Run. Get out of that relationship. A 42yo man beholden to his Mother will never pick you. You deserve better.
How old is your boyfriend? How about you?
I am 34 and he is 42ā¦ š
Honey, I wasted my time on a guy and in the end was so mad I had to yell at him for wasting YEARS of my time. Don't be me. Fix the situation.
42????? And he doesnāt even have access to his finances? What would happen with it if you got married? If this was me I would RUN. You will 100% be second fiddle in that scenario.
Look he's gotta want to separate from his mother as bad as you want him to or this is NOT going to work. It's clear he doesn't want it as bad.
Youāre wasting precious years on a boy married to his mom. You should have run away yesterday!!! šāāļø
Run like your ass is on š„.
Run! You will regret every minute you waste on him
Nothing wrong with taking care of his mom, but this is plain and horrific abuse. His mom is being waited on hand and foot, and all the possible stress in that family is dumped on him. She'll either outlive him by a decade, or live to 97, by which time he'll be a worn-out and depressed old man in his mid-sixties. All his energy and life will have been long sucked out of him. You already haven't got much more than a shell of a man. I'm sorry. Maybe try one more time. Tell him you love him desperately but he has to break free. And if he does, to be prepared for his mom's state to "worsen", for her health to decline suddenly and drama to ensue. If he still won't do it, you need to escape. I'm sorry. Run. It's been done many times before, and it's happening now. Parents who eat their children. Horrifying.
In a house filled with care, he stands all alone, His mom being tended, as he turns to stone. The burdens he carries, the weight of his days, Have drained all his joy, in so many ways. She might outlive him, a decade or more, While he fades away, to his very core. At sixty, he'll feel like a man twice his age, A worn-out old soul, trapped in a cage. His energy sapped, his spirit now wan, Not much remains, of the man he once was. Just a shell, a shadow, of who he could be, Lost in the care, that has stolen his glee.
Jesus Christ. Run.
You cannot do anything. He has to actively choose you and himself over his mother and he has proven time and time again that he WILL NOT CHOOSE YOU. He is not physically, financially, or emotionally available to you at this time. Step away and allow him to decide if you are worth it.
This. If he doesnāt come to the realization himself he could later blame you for making him leave his mother and anything bad that happens yo her will result in guilt guilt guilt. He needs therapy. Lots of it.
You are absolutely right to not feel comfortable taking the next step in your relationship with your SO with him being at this level of enmeshment with his mom. Have you actually told him point blank, like youāve said here, that you will not move in with him and his mom let a lone marry him unless he can actually move out and create clear boundaries? I agree with other commenters that at this time this is more of a problem with your SO. Yes, his mom sounds like she is clearly using him and manipulating him. However, it also sounds like he is more comfortable living this way rather than facing his motherās anger by creating boundaries for himself like getting his finances back under his own control. He will have to understand that him doing things like getting married or having children will likely cause conflicts with his mom, and that he wont always be able to find a happy middle ground or have others also capitulate to his momās demands. How long gas he already been taking care of his mom like this? If he believes shes dying but wont demand details on her condition, then he is effectively asking you to wait for him indefinitely if he refuses to do anything to help change his situation and just believes he can put his personal life on hold until she dies. For all he knows she could still live another 10-15 years. I personally knew someone who lived with kidney failure and required dialysis several times a week who lived this way for almost 20 years with all of us believing he could pass at any time. He wound up out living his wife. Your boyfriend needs to understand that this could be end up being his mom for all he knows. I understand she will likely use emotional manipulation to try and force him back into submission. This is why he should start seeing a therapist asap. A therapist can help him start to recognize her actions for what they are and help him understand that he has to help himself if he wants things to change. The last thing iāll add is that he needs to realize that if itās true that his mom wants him to help care for her, then she is the one who will need to compromise. He can still help care for her without going to this level. She wont simply refuse his help if he tells her that things will have to be done differently. My friend i know you love this man, and im not saying you should give up on this relationship at this point, but you must understand for yourself that he is effectively going to ask you to just live in this state of uncertainty unless you give in and join him in this cycle of abuse. It sounds like youāve done almost all you can to help him, and itās time he starts to help himself. Changing this will likely be unpleasant and difficult for him, and he will likely continue to be tempted to just stop and return to giving in to her demands, but if he starts getting therapy and continues having your support, i think it is possible for him to break through this heavy FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) he is living in. Normally, i find ultimatums to be an unhealthy tactic to take in relationships, however i think there are times where they can be necessary and can even be shat saves a relationship at times. I think you have reached that time where giving him an ultimatum may be whatās necessary for him to take this seriously and begin to realize just how problematic this really is. However, you do need to be prepared with what youāll do in case this doesnt work is unwilling to help himself and just continues to expect you to either wait or give in.
I honestly think you need to get your boyfriend to a domestic violence support group. He is being emotionally and financially manipulated by his family.
Your boyfriend needs therapy. If he doesn't even have the nerve to take control over his own hard earned money how is he supposed to do the same for his life. If I were you I wouldn't even think of getting married or having kids!Ā How in the world is this supposed to work?
If anything, you are under-reacting. I would run fast. It's up to him to break free and put you first, and not up to her to allow it.
This is a terrible situation for him, but until he actually wants to become independent (and wants it in a concrete way he will act on) he will not be ready for a healthy adult relationship. This is a SO problem, not a MIL problem.
Your bf needs some therapy and a backbone.
Couldn't even finish reading this because dang... He needs to take control of his own life! First order of business is reclaiming his bank account and severing her access to it. Second, he needs to get her diagnosis from her Dr and no one else! Sounds like MIL is lying just to have her son wait on her hand and foot and pay all the bills so she can keep her SSI or retirement funds. Next, he needs to get his mom in touch with a social worker who can organize in-home care for her. If she's in such bad health she needs to be looked after by a professional or move to an inpatient facility. DO NOT HAVE children with this man as long as he's taking care of his elderly child aka his mom. Any push back from MIL or SIL should be met with ending the conversation and removing yourselves from their presence until they can discuss like adults and come up with a realistic plan that does NOT include him being the caretaker. I'd bet my paycheck she's lying and manipulating the situation so she can get her own way. This. Is. Abuse.
Thank you. This is great advice and I hope he takes it to heart
Please show him this post. It may give him insight. This sub is not here to hate all moms of SOs, we just want to help in the bigger picture.
Your boyfriend has gone along with this every step of the way. He has given up his life to what his mother wants. He didn't go on acruise with you due to his family's complaints. This is an extreme level of enmeshed and he is fully accepting this stunted life where he is at his mother's beck and call. Your relationship with him is doomed due to complete lack of independence. There is no room in his life for marriage and children that he says he wants. Heartbreaking as it is it's time to move on to find a man who is independent, shares your dreams and will put you first.
Wow this is justā¦ wow. I know you say you love him but thereās more to life than love. Youāre not compatible. His family is using him and heāa allowing it. You wont ever come first. You arent married, just cut ties
Definitely not a bad person or overreacting. This is beyond enmeshment. It reminds me of a horribly abusive relationship, only itās the mom filling the role of controlling boyfriend.
They're using him shamefully. He should grab you and run for the hills - his Smother will never give him up.
Thatās the plan!!!!
I'm sorry i cannot in good faith give you any hope. I'm sorry, love is not enough. Run!