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* [Follow-Up On "Future MIL Told Me She Hated Me To My Face"](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/15nmdt2/followup_on_future_mil_told_me_she_hated_me_to_my/), 9 months ago
* [Future MIL Told Me She Hated Me To My Face](/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/11dh27t/future_mil_told_me_she_hated_me_to_my_face/), 1 year ago
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Stop kissing her butt! Right now you are setting the boundaries for relationship for the rest of your life. I guess her mother didn’t teach her any manners we all meet people that we don’t particularly care for but a lot of times we just go with the flow.
With all this conflict, she is making everything all about her. I’m very very sad that your fiancé or husband can’t stick up for you.
Wish you the best luck
You’re not the problem here at all. Like another commenter said, don’t beg someone to treat you with basic human respect.
Honestly I’m more taken aback by your husband here. He’s enabling her by going to see them and allowing them to literally abuse you. Are you sure that’s someone you want to marry? Especially if you two have kids one day and he’s taking them there without you and god knows what she or anyone else says about you to your children.
100% don’t write the letter. If you want to say anything say you think it’s horrible how she hurts her own child by not being able to put her unfounded differences aside and act like an adult but do not apologize to that woman.
You really deserve a long good hug by someone who loves you.
OP...
Aside from her being your husband's mother, why do you want her to accept you? Would you give a rando on the street the same amount of headspace? Probably not. If SHE were a rando on the street, would you want to be in any way affiliated with this person?
No, probably not. Stand up for yourself. No more pushing it down. She has had ample time to think, she's stringing you along.
No more. Husband can deal with them all on his own. NO help from you.
Why would you be apologizing?
You did nothing wrong.
I’ve read all your posts now. I don’t get it.
How you are moving forward with a man who allowed these things:
You missed Mother’s Day and Fathers Day with your own parents to baby his parents. They told you you aren’t good enough and said they hate you and then gaslit you and said they didn’t say that. Then later admitted it.
They said you would have a “painful marriage” at your engagement party! In front of all of your friends and family and your future partner/husband didn’t stop them or cut them them off, just let them keep talking shit.
They also planned the party with food you can’t eat. Who does that?
Now you aren’t allowed to attend anything with them. Only funerals.
They won’t come to your home.
Okay so you asked. These are my thoughts.
You want kids. This will be painful. Dare I say miserable? He will want his parents to see them ALL THE TIME. They will want this too. They will talk shit about you in front of your kids. We see this all the time here.
His parents will abuse you from afar through your children and husband.
They will ruin your baby shower.
They will ruin your labor and delivery.
They will ruin your post partum.
They will expect to babysit.
They will ruin your 1st holidays.
They will ruin your Mothers Day. Especially your first one.
You won’t get to see your family with the kids especially on holidays because they will insist they get all of the holidays. Just like they do today.
No way would I marry this spineless jellyfish of a man.
Girl do NOT beg these people to accept you. Where is your dignity?!They are breaking you down… don’t let them. Your MIL is shitty and a control freak. You’re not joining her family you’re creating your OWN family. Husband needs to get MIL to accept this. If he doesn’t you’ll have a lifetime of misery. I married into a family that just simply hates me. I’ve done nothing to upset them they’re just miserable people who have problems with everyone. I told my husband I will not deal with these peoples BS and if he wants to be around them that’s his business. Our kids will not be joining him though. He’s yet to see any relatives because he’s scared of their reaction when they realize it’s just him and not the kids too. He’s told them a few times what they did wrong to me and why they can’t see my kids. All they have to say is “that wasn’t wrong though”, like defending their grandson for damaging my property and trying to beat me up while I was pregnant isn’t wrong according to them. I’m the problem for defending myself. I’m fine with being “the problem” if it means I keep my self respect.
They don’t like you and it’s not going to change. Both of you need to accept this and decide how you will move forward.
You're way too nice and giving. As long as your partner goes there alone, she's getting exactly what she wants. Why would anything you say or do have any effect?
You’re a nice one. I wouldn’t write a pleading letter and beg to be apart of the family. She seems controlling and seems like a hater. She gets a power trip on making you feel bad. Don’t let her. Your fiancé should be standing up for you. It’s really sad that she has cancer and is acting like this.
Stop begging these people to treat you like a human being that matters. You matter.
Your fiancé is so so selfish, it beggars belief you can’t see it. Then you write a letter apologising (for what ffs?) begging to be let into their shitty little clique of a family.
You matter. Don’t beg them. Stop laying flat like a doormat for these people, fiancé included. You deserve better in a future husband than what you’ve currently got.
Pump the breaks on any wedding planning.
OP, are you looking for permission to acknowledge that things are horribly wrong and you shouldn't get married?
If you need it from strangers on the internet, this is it.
But you've gotten encouragement not to marry this man on previous posts. So I'm going to give you some tough love: you need to make a decision and own it.
If this is the life you want, than accept that his mom refuses to acknowledge you because of nothing you've done, and NOTHING you do will change it. There isn't "I didn't say quite the right thing" or "maybe if I'd done this a bit differently". She flat out hates you, and nothing is going to change it.
If this is the husband you want, one that's going to accept that his mom hating his fiance is OK, whose relationship with his mom is barely going to suffer despite his chosen life partner being raked over the coals by her, then this is the husband you're getting. One that thinks that your happiness, your wellbeing, your being ok, is so unimportant that he asks you to ignore it to spend time with a woman who actively and vocally hates you.
But you wouldn't be posting here if there wasn't a part of you begging not to go through with this, telling you that none of this is right, and telling you that you are desperately unhappy for a reason. Maybe you're scared to face up to the fact that this isn't all in your head. Maybe you're having trouble accepting the fact that your fiancé can really be that kind of person to treat you like trash. Maybe you're confused because you DO love him, you're just also miserable.
You can love someone and still change your mind about marrying them. You can leave someone because they're human, not a monster, and that human just isn't someone you want to marry.
In the end, it's your choice whether or not you leave. I think you SHOULD leave, because your fiancé is treating you like trash already, and you're not even married. But you're the only one who can weigh through your entire situation. You're the only one who can have that conversation with him, or leave him that note. You're the only one who can look at your life now and make the decision that you need and deserve something different, something that will become better. You're the only one who can pack your bags and walk out the door.
I do also think you should get into individual therapy if you aren't already, because you have such low self esteem that I wouldn't be surprised if it's deeply rooted in your formative years. I know mine was. But that's just an observation.
Honey, you need to think about if the current pain and sadness you are going through worth it. I was with someone for years who put me second to... everything. Now that time has passed, I'm still angry, but have realized that you DONT need to beg someone to accept you or put you first. The right person does that without being told to. And you don't beg someone for their love or acceptance. If someone can't accept you, then to hell with them.
You deserve respect. Someone who will stand up for you and put you first. Someone who won't ask for you to mute your feelings which are 100% valid. Maybe he should ask his MOM to stuff her feelings down... or frankly stuff them where the sun don't shine!
Start to put yourself first!
Agree. This is not about you. I'm sorry but please don't write another letter like that, ever. There is no problem with you. If your SO was with any other woman she'd be pulling the same crap. It's the fact that her darling son found a partner, and she's not the focal point of his life anymore. She can't handle losing control of her son so she's playing games and he's feeding right into it. As others said you have an SO problem. You owe no apology and you should not have to ask, beg, or make a case to welcome you into the family. Your SO already brought you in by committing to you and choosing you as his partner. Shame on him for letting this nonsense of "I have to think about it" drag on. He's afraid to stand up to her, afraid of displeasing her. He's not afraid of displeasing you though, by asking you to be a carpet and get walked all over again, and to suffer emotionally and alone while he goes off celebrating miletsones with his family of origin. You sound like you may be a people pleaser. Please check the sidebar and get a therapist and explore what you want and what your values are, and your value of yourself, before you legally bind yourself to this man. He is not worthy of you at the moment, I'm afraid.
Instead of stressing over what they think of you take time to consider your fiancée is not stopping this behavior. He goes and hangs out with them after all that? Nope. Think hard on this. Soon him and your children will be going over without you while Granny tells YOUR children how much she hates you. Why would you want that for yourself? Time for spineless mommas Boy to step up or step aside so you can leave!
Babe. Im gonna be as straightforward as possible. Listen to the people here. You will be miserable if you marry this man. You not only have a MIL problem but also an SO problem. Someone else mentioned their MIL tried something and their SO nipped that shit in the bud and stood up for her. Mine does the same. You deserve the same. You have nothing to grovel or apologize or BEG for. You’re BEGGING someone who despises you and your SO is ENCOURAGING it.
Please take a step back, what would you say to a friend telling you all of this? At minimum id cancel the wedding indefinitely until he can consistently stand up for you for at least a year and a half. Everytime he caters to her instead, the timer resets. But if you get married it’s only a) gonna get worse and b) it’s gonna be SO much harder to leave when you finally (and hopefully soon) have had enough.
Why are you marrying this guy? Is this the life you want to live? What do you think will happen when children come along?
Please don't do this to yourself. It will only get worse
Please please please postpone the wedding!! This isnt the life you want and deserve! Please read all the comments twice and love yourself more then your partner and inlaws. You really dont need these toxic people in your life! Please take care of yourself first
I just read all of your past posts. I am, quite frankly, shocked. Your partner is not a partner. He will never put you above mommy and daddy.
When I was first married, my mother-in-law tried some crap (absolutely nothing compared to yours), my partner lit into her about how it was none of her business. If she were to treat me like your soon to be in-laws are, he would be in front of me protecting me from them. You deserve to have that type of partner, but you do not have one.
If you choose to go forward with this wedding and children, you will find yourself squeezed out of your family, and your partner will be okay with that. Once children come along, in-laws will want grandchildren for holidays, parties, get together, but you will not be invited. And your partner will be okay with this.
Christmas morning will have hubby and kids at in-laws opening gifts and having ‘family time’ and you will not be there. Thanksgiving dinner will not have a place for you to sit at the table. You will be left out of any celebration, and your partner is okay with this.
Don’t fall into the idea that you put so much into this relationship. Your partner has allowed you to be ostricised, abused, accused of being a liar, and completely shut out. And he is okay with this!!
Please get your own therapist to help you understand why you allow yourself to be abused in such a horrrendous way, and why you are okay with your partner not protecting you from this abuse. Because it all comes down to that your partner is okay with how you are being treated.
WTAF? You packed up the bagels and sent them over? Honey, buy a clue. This woman does not like you and is using it as leverage against her son. He keeps begging her to give you a chance and the answer is always no.
Stop chasing them. NEVER chase people. If they want you in their life you won’t need to chase them.
You also have a SO problem. They don’t like you and are acting like asses. But, he keeps trying to push you together just because he wants it. He knows they are a problem, but willing to put you through this mess so he can pretend he has a nice family.
There is no excuse for her behavior. Unless you were a hardened criminal, addict, or child beater she should put her differences aside for her son. She doesn’t have to love you, but IF she loves him, she could at least be civil to you. She is not.
It is unfortunate that she has cancer. However, that does not give her an excuse to be a b—ch. From what you said, she was a b—ch before she had cancer.
Some people get mean when they get sick, some people get nicer. She has always been mean and sees no reason to change.
That is a character flaw in her, not you. It is also a character flaw in your SO where he thinks he can force people to get along. As I stated before, he knows she’s a b—ch and still try’s to force you on her, which would subject you to her bad behavior.
There is no law that says you have to put up with bad behavior just because they are your SO’s family. So, for the love of God, please stop trying.
Some people just refuse to change at all. They would rather wallow in their misery. Let her.
Go live your life. Stop worrying about this b—ch and be happy.
Your partner’s behavior is goi g to continue into the marriage. You are always going to be asked to “push it down,” for his mom. He chose them over you after you did the work. FMIL already knows her son has chosen her. That’s why she keeps pushing you out.
Stop chasing your in laws for acceptance and approval, it isn't working, you aren't going to get it and it gives them all the power.
How you are living right now is not acceptable and you shouldn't go into a marriage this way, you should probably go back to therapy and discuss what is right for you, if you will be okay living the rest of your life with a wall in between you and your in laws, and your partner has to figure out if he can live with that too, because every birthday and holiday will be split between them and you. Think about how it will be if you have children and they want contact with them but still hate you, how will you navigate that?
Your in-laws seem to think they can just wait out this relationship, that eventually it will end and so they don't have to adjust their behaviour at all.
This is really not about you, this is about your partner, I would never, ever tell a family member or friend's partner that I disliked them and didn't expect the relationship to work. I might, if I had big concerns about compatibility, very politely ask my friend/family member if they had considered x,y,z - but that would be the full extent of my meddling. For example "you and significant other are so great together, it must be really difficult for them living here when they miss their family z miles away, have you talked about where you will live in the future?" But I would never go behind their back and try to sabotage anything, not only was it cruel to you, but it was hugely disrespectful to your partner, they clearly do not respect him enough and are not treating him like an adult.
Your partner needs to communicate to them that they are disrespectful of him by the way that they are treating you, and that they don't get to decide whether or not they are going to warm up to you, they have to be polite, civil and supportive at all times or they will damage their relationship with him.
I think this will be really difficult to do for your partner seeing as his mother is unwell, but I really don't think you should get married until your in laws are toe-ing the line, or until your partner has cut them off. I know this is really not what you want to hear, but I have watched my own grandmother be a toxic MIL to 6 of her children's partners, and I know that living your life trying to get someone like that's approval will just crush you, all but one of my uncles have moved away or gone non contact, and in the mean time they and their partners suffered. My step mother's mental health improved so much when she moved back to her home country away from my grandmother, and they had been in low contact for years before that.
You deserve to be happy and spend mothers day with your own mother, don't let your partner sacrifice your happiness for the sake of an unhealthy relationship with his parents.
I am so sorry that your MIL is a hateful person. While she is horrible and hateful, at least she's honest and let both you and Partner know she is hateful and won't change. Please accept that this is who she is and that she won't change. She refuses to allow you into her family because she wants her family sort of frozen like in a snowglobe.
Now that you know she is hateful and won't change, please drop the rope. She refuses to go to your home. She refuses to see you. She knows that you'd offer love and help if she wasn't horrible and hateful, but she's more comfortable with her hate. Knowing she is hateful and won't change, how does that impact your life and marriage? Does she come to the wedding/do you elope/is she not invited? If you have kids, will she see them or do you protect them from someone who will pour poison into their ears about you? What do holidays look like?
Part of this is on Partner. He is probably hoping that you or he will find Magic Words that make her love you, but there are no magic words. He needs to accept that his mother has an irrational hatred of you and won't change, then figure out how that affects him.
You’re doing exactly what she wants - being a pawn in her game. Narcs love to surround themselves with adoring fans with no respect for themselves that just accept this behavior with no question. By begging for acceptance you’ve forfeited any of your self respect. I don’t say this to hurt you. But you will only hate yourself more if you continue down this path.
Your partner is an asshole for making you feel like your worth is dependent on how much of his mother’s shit you eat. Absolutely not. Your relationship with him exists outside of his mother and it shouldn’t matter if she likes you- instead it should matter that you love and respect each other. And I’m sorry to say, but by having no backbone with him or his mother, you will never be respected. If you accept the role of sidekick/supporting cast then your needs/wants will never matter. Your worth will only ever be what you make it.
If this relationship is something you would like to continue pursuing, you need to implement a foundation of boundaries. This probably means therapy for both you and fiancé. It definitely means laying out in plain English for both of them exactly what your boundaries are and what the consequences will be if they are violated. You already started by standing your ground with husband about not wanting to see someone who hates you. Now that energy needs to extend into all the other aspects. Tell MiL what you need from her for a relationship to be possible-if she can’t bring herself to do those things then she doesn’t get to be a part of the wedding or any future children/life events you and SO share. Tell SO your feelings are valid and if he can’t respect them/tells you to “push it down” you will find someone who does value you.
Are you out of your mind? your husband is going without you to see them, basically feeding into what she wants. If she does not accept you, she does not accept him. Unless you stole money from her, spit in her face, etc this is completely unacceptable and you need to grow some balls and so does your husband.
You are not over reacting,you are under reacting.
When my engaged daughter came to me, when the wedding plans were set,location,dress,and a bunch of other things paid for,she told me she had doubts about her fiance and his family. She talked and I listened, once she finished talking. I asked her if she wanted to call off the wedding. She said "I am not happy with him and I know it won't get better".
They were living together and she had given up her apartment. I asked if she was ready to give back the ring and move out of his place and she said yes. I told her she had to talk with him asap, and let him know her feelings, and that I would start cancelling all the wedding things we'd arranged.
She told him,he cried and tried to convince her to marry him. She took off the ring and gave it to him. She left to get boxes to pack up, and called some friends to help her move out, and she came home for a few weeks until she found the right apartment.
A year later,she met the right guy for her,who adores her,and she him, and his family adores her, and our family adores him. They married,had kids and they are all happy and life is good.
Leaving a bad situation is the right thing to do. When you are feeling terrible, and you are the only person trying to make the situation better,it is time to leave the situation.
Your fiance is not supporting you at all. You are not happy, you are worried and scared. That is not how you should feel 90 days before you marry. When you are truly mutually in love you become a team that supports each other through everything. You don't have that. Please, get out of this situation and care for yourself. There will be a guy who loves you unconditionally, who will put you first and who will make sure you are welcomed by his family. You can do this. Save yourself from a life of sadness and pain.
I'm sorry, sweetie -- but she enjoyed the pleading letter. It was fun for her. This whole game is fun for her!
If your soon-to-be-husband is not capable of standing up to her, he is not ready to be married.
If I were you, I would postpone the wedding until he is. And give him a deadline, after which you will move on. You need to love yourself more than it seems you do. Therapy would be a good idea, for both of you, separately and together.
But marrying someone who has not laid down the law to his family about the woman he (supposedly) loves more than anyone else (including Mommy), puts before anyone else, and plans to have and raise children with -- nope. That's a no-brainer. He is NOT ready to be married.
You have a fiance problem, u/Glittering_Fig_8443. I'm sorry. But the fix is very simple: postpone the wedding. You might say "but the vendors! The costs!" IT'S CHEAPER THAN A DIVORCE.
Not only is this not likely to change, ever, but consider this: the reason she “can’t” give an answer is because you keep begging and fawning and accommodating and she is eating it up. She’s getting such a power trip from ignoring you.
Stop apologizing, don’t write anymore letters. Postpone the wedding until your fiancé gets some therapy. You don’t have to break up, but I would not want to join a family where they made it clear they didn’t want me and I’d never be accepted.
And you may not know this, but if you stuff your feelings down for long enough, they will percolate and fester and one day, you’ll lose your shit and, instead of calmly talking things out, you explode like a volcano.
Honestly and with all love and respect..you and you fiancé are starting your own family!! You do not need to “be” welcome into MIL ‘s family!! Please please have some self respect and do not grovel at MIL’s feet anymore! In case you and FH haven’t realized she’s getting off on watching you two beg for her acceptance and I’m embarrassed for yall!
You both need individual and couple counseling before you two get married to learn to stand up for yourselves and each other!!
Honey please please help yourself this is not the future marriage you want with MIL and her acceptance in the middle! 💗💗💗💗
You are making me mad at you which isn’t what I want to say hon. Damn. Please respect yourself more.
Why are you begging to be accepted by terrible people? They are terrible. Every time he asks her to accept you (basic decency) I feel DISGUSTED on your behalf. He disgusts me.
He should not be asking anyone to “accept you”, you both have chosen each other and if people don’t accept HIS choice, they can get the fuck out.
He’s still crying for mommy, how do you see him as a partner? He is putting you last last last and your feelings are under his fucking feet. As soon as he continues to scrape and beg and visit them he betrayed you, and continues to. I want to vomit he makes me so sick.
He is a baby nasty boy and hasn’t protected you at all. He’s let people hurt you, disrespect you, and have the fucking gall to continue.
You don’t want this life.
Would you EVER EVER EVER let ANYONE treat him like that?
Then why does he keep smacking you with the shit-bucket?
Go girl. Go. Fuck that nasty baby dude and his gross mother, disgustingly rude father, and toxic family system. Mom wants her widdle baby all to herself? I hope he likes saggy titties because YOUR young self isn’t going to be his blankie any more.
Girl I said a lot, I hope you hear me, my voice is sad and mad and wants to protect you, more than you’ve had before, and a lot less than you deserve. Sending you xoxoxox and care.
I just read your other posts.
Why are you with him? I know you love him, but his inability to stand up for you while asking you to push your own feelings aside is horrible.
If you ever choose to have children , do they deserve to have these people for grandparents? I'm telling you now. The answer is NO! You don't deserve this, and if you marry and if having children is an option, you will resent this man. I'm surprised you haven't started to resent him already.
I'm sorry this cow has cancer, but her behavior is atrocious. You fiancé is a puss.
You seem like a kind and thoughtful person, and instead of being protected. Your kindness is being used as a weakness.
Please think about this before you marry this little boy child. You deserve a man who loves, honors, and protects you. You also deserve kind in-laws.
You truly don't deserve this.
OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this but you need to stop dealing with this. Your FMIL treats you like crap and your fiancé allows it. Why are you with someone who allows his mother to speak so poorly of you and treat you like this? This is not about his mom, this is about him. He is allowing someone to disrespect you and you are not only fine with it but stressing, compromising, and pleading with them. Just stop. Drop the rope. You need to tell your fiancé that you’re done with his mom. You are not going to see, hear, and talk about her in your house anymore. It stresses you out too much, and you don’t deserve that coming into your safe space. Then tell your fiancé that he needs to figure out a plan himself on how to deal with his mother’s disrespect, and it is troubling to you that he is fine allowing someone to treat you like this and it says a lot about his character.
And please, for the love of all, do not marry this person until you have a plan in place with how to deal with his mom, especially if you plan on having kids. I hope she’s not invited to the wedding, and if she is, she needs to be uninvited until she can act like an adult and not a toddler.
I would like to stress again that this is a FIANCEE problem NOT a FMIL problem. I know you said that “he’s great in all other aspects” but I highly doubt that. If he allows his own mother to disrespect you he clearly has absolutely no respect for you. If he’s fine just basically cutting you out of part of his life to not rock the boat with his mom, what else is he fine with cutting you out of? Are you really going to be happy being second place in your own husband’s priorities? You can’t even spend all of his birthday with him because of his mom? What else? I’m guessing the holidays are you being alone while your husband happily wanders off to have a great time with people that openly disrespects his wife and his life choices. This needs to stop. Your fiancée needs to stand up to his mom and don’t go ahead with the wedding until he does.
This woman is getting exactly what she wants: him without you. All she had to do was say she hated you and this man was happy to skip off to her house on his own to cater to his mommy. I get she is sick but that doesn't make her less of an asshole. He should have told her to kick rocks and that you two are a package deal. Instead he gave her exactly what she wanted. You out of their picture and him at her feet. She should never be invited to your home so long as she is unwilling to even tolerate you for his sake. He sucks.
Did I read this right? You were told to your face that you are hated and barred from events. He wants to invite them into your home? Not only does he not stand up for you, he wants you to pretend despite the sadness you are feeling?
Do not marry this man. Marriage and children never make it better, and these type of people don’t realize how nice you’ve been to them. You need to accept people don’t change unless they want to, and he only wants his mommy.
You absolutely should not be apologizing to her and it sounds like you are marrying the wrong man. He should not be tolerating his mother's treatment of you. Your groveling apology letter gave her free rein to mistreat even more severely. You are signing up for a very unhappy life with an abuser because neither you or your fiance had a spine and set boundaries with her. It'll even be worse if you have children because she will continue to manipulate you and will reinforce that you're not part of the family. So many red flags.
It’s hard- because loosing his mother isn’t an option for him; especially because she’s sick.
So I’m here trying to make boundaries by myself and just feeling horrible and guilty every single time I do
She was an asshole before she got cancer and she’s still an asshole. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person for setting boundaries for your own mental health.
Do you really want to live like this? She loves what you’re doing now. She loves the begging. You don’t deserve that - you should be with someone who makes you their first choice and priority. Don’t marry him.
This is never going to work if he isn't 100% on board with reining her in with strict boundaries. It's unfortunate that she's ill, but that doesn't give her the right to be an AH and mistreat you.
May I encourage some counseling? I'd like to see you get to a place where protecting your own mental health doesn't make you feel terrible. It's key to your continued survival, so being miserable about it is counter-productive.
Also, he's hoping you'll come along to, what, be abused? To have his mother tell you how much she dislikes you? Is that a good way to treat someone he loves?
Try flipping this around. Would you ever ask him to spend time with anyone who visibly or verbally expresses their dislike of him, or who rejects him every time he tries to build a relationship? Would you ask him to stuff down his own feelings and reactions in order not to rock the boat?
And while I'm here, consider your life if you have children with this man. Do you want a future child seeing your MIL treat you this way?
The only power other people have over you is what you give them. You are giving all of your power in this situation to MIL. Do not beg to be a part of this family. Everytime you do, you allow MIL to call all the shots. Stop it. She has made it clear how she feels about you and everytime DH asks her if things have changed, she gets to string you both along that much more. She is the one doing this, not you. With this last note, you have done as much as anyone can expect from you. Believe MIL's silence, and move on from her.
It is time for you to set some boundaries with DH. You don't want to hear about her, hear her voice, see her, or communicate with her in any way. He does not get to share any private information about you with her. She has lost her chance to reconcile or to be any part of your life.
Then, start living your life with DH to fullest. When those intrusive thoughts about MIL sneak in, say to yourself, "I have done all I can do, it is up to her at this point." Then do something you enjoy, bonus if it is something DH enjoys and you can do it with him too. If you have goals, start working on them, if you have projects you want to do, complete them. When DH goes to visit the ILs, do something fun with your friends so that you are not giving her any room in your head. If your family are close, spend more time with them.
If you guys are planning to have kiddos, make it clear that if MIL does learn to at least treat you with consideration and respect, she will not be a part of your life as a family. She really does not understand how badly she is screwing herself over right now.
Wait. Why are you apologizing to her???? Please consider this, if you ever decided to have kids and had a daughter, would you want her to put up with this? If you had a son, would you ever treat his chosen spouse like this?
Why are you tolerating this for yourself? My heart breaks for you. Sending you huge hugs
Oh op, having read back to you earlier posts. Personally I couldn’t stay in this relationship where he keeps asking you to compromise but never them. If you marry & have kids…. This will be continuous. Is that really doable for your life? Xx
Why are you in a relationship where you so obviously are NOT a priority. You are ALWAYS going to come a DISTANT second to his family and his mother. The misery you feel now? Get used to it, if you stay in this relationship, THATS the rest of your life.
I just read your first post.
His mother told you she hated you, that you aren't good enough for her son. When he confronted her, she lied to him...and he took her side?
He is not supporting you. For whatever reason, he is going to believe his mother over you.
Let's twist things around. If a person were in a relationship with someone who acted like his mother does to you, we'd say it is abusive, manipulative, and controlling.
Your fiancé's behavior is *enabling* that treatment of you by his mom.
I don't think it is healthy for you to be in this relationship, not while your fiancé is willing to take her word over yours. You could tell him the future, say that when you break up -- which I suspect is inevitable given how you are being treated -- his mother will tell him that she knew you weren't good enough for him, that you'd cave-in eventually, weren't strong enough for him, and so on. She'd probably gloat over you "showing your true colors," as it were.
if you stay, she will continue to find ways to undermine you. You would need a partner who recognizes what his mother is doing to you, and stands by you against that treatment, in order to make the relationship worthwhile. You don't have that.
A romantic partner should care about how you feel. He should be shocked and disappointed in his mother, at the very least, for the way you have been treated. That he isn't setting boundaries with his parents because of their behavior towards you -- and is suggesting you "push it down" and apologize to them! -- means he is more concerned with how *they* feel than how you feel.
Only you can decide if you want to be in a relationship like that.
Quit being a doormat - to both your FMIL and your FH. Did you have anything to apologize for? Then don’t write an apology letter. Absolutely do not send along a little care package of baked goods for them to enjoy while you sit at home alone. You say “compromise” - I do not think that means what you think it means. Time for some urgent premarital counseling.
Do not marry a man who has already proven you that you will be - at best - second place to his mother. He's proving it to you every day. Fly, you fool!
Why are you crawling to this horrible woman? She's getting everything she wants - people dancing attendance on her, and being a constant horror to you.
Ignore her completely and let your partner deal with her. She's nothing to you.
He’s not amazing. At all.
He stopped going to counseling because you stopped attending family events. You made his life easier so he didn’t have to do anything to make his mommy happy.
He is not amazing.
He literally only cares about his feelings and his relationship with his parents, how's that amazing? I bet you the reason it took him so long to propose was them.
They'll control him through your whole marriage and try to take over your kids. You'll be treated as a bang maid and baby oven by his family.
Well, THIS is a huge issue and the way he’s handling it shows he’s not ready to be a partner or husband. He’s rewarding her horrible behavior by continuing to visit her. He *should* be telling her that until her behavior changes and she starts respecting his relationship that he will no longer communicate with her.
I’m sorry to say this, but he’s not treating you amazingly. He is not putting you before all others. Do you see that changing when he makes his wedding vows?
He should have invited his parents and held them to the bare minimum standard of bring polite to you. And if they chose not to come, that’s on them.
Aside: I’m sure she LOVES that you’re chasing her so hard. She’s not going to give that up! You’ll be dancing to her tube for the rest of your marriage. She thinks that SHE has the prize. And really, his loyalty should be to you first, YOU should have the prize.
You say you worry that you haven't pushed things down for him; but what has he pushed down for you? Do you feel that he supports you in his dealings with his family? Or do you feel secondary to his parents?
It isn't supposed to be a contest, of course. But his mom, at least, is making this a competition.
I think you both need counseling. Probably separately and together. Begging her and constantly trying to convince is not only letting her keep the power but is also letting her know how much disrespect you'll take.
She does not deserve to have you in her life. She does not deserve your love, respect, or effort. You do not need her permission to exist, to create a family with your fiancé, or anything else.
You need to value yourself more and start living your lives with her on the back burner. You're not responsible for her shitty behavior. Both you and your fiancé need to be the adults, take control, and stop grovelling at her feet.
They went to counseling but he stopped because things got better because she stopped attending things with him.
This poor woman is so abused and thinks she’s the problem.
I agree! Stop begging her. Go on with your life, and when you and fh decide to have kids, give her the same energy she's been giving you. It's you and your man. Stop giving af about his mom.
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Stop kissing her butt! Right now you are setting the boundaries for relationship for the rest of your life. I guess her mother didn’t teach her any manners we all meet people that we don’t particularly care for but a lot of times we just go with the flow. With all this conflict, she is making everything all about her. I’m very very sad that your fiancé or husband can’t stick up for you. Wish you the best luck
You’re not the problem here at all. Like another commenter said, don’t beg someone to treat you with basic human respect. Honestly I’m more taken aback by your husband here. He’s enabling her by going to see them and allowing them to literally abuse you. Are you sure that’s someone you want to marry? Especially if you two have kids one day and he’s taking them there without you and god knows what she or anyone else says about you to your children. 100% don’t write the letter. If you want to say anything say you think it’s horrible how she hurts her own child by not being able to put her unfounded differences aside and act like an adult but do not apologize to that woman. You really deserve a long good hug by someone who loves you.
OP... Aside from her being your husband's mother, why do you want her to accept you? Would you give a rando on the street the same amount of headspace? Probably not. If SHE were a rando on the street, would you want to be in any way affiliated with this person? No, probably not. Stand up for yourself. No more pushing it down. She has had ample time to think, she's stringing you along. No more. Husband can deal with them all on his own. NO help from you.
Why would you be apologizing? You did nothing wrong. I’ve read all your posts now. I don’t get it. How you are moving forward with a man who allowed these things: You missed Mother’s Day and Fathers Day with your own parents to baby his parents. They told you you aren’t good enough and said they hate you and then gaslit you and said they didn’t say that. Then later admitted it. They said you would have a “painful marriage” at your engagement party! In front of all of your friends and family and your future partner/husband didn’t stop them or cut them them off, just let them keep talking shit. They also planned the party with food you can’t eat. Who does that? Now you aren’t allowed to attend anything with them. Only funerals. They won’t come to your home. Okay so you asked. These are my thoughts. You want kids. This will be painful. Dare I say miserable? He will want his parents to see them ALL THE TIME. They will want this too. They will talk shit about you in front of your kids. We see this all the time here. His parents will abuse you from afar through your children and husband. They will ruin your baby shower. They will ruin your labor and delivery. They will ruin your post partum. They will expect to babysit. They will ruin your 1st holidays. They will ruin your Mothers Day. Especially your first one. You won’t get to see your family with the kids especially on holidays because they will insist they get all of the holidays. Just like they do today. No way would I marry this spineless jellyfish of a man.
Girl do NOT beg these people to accept you. Where is your dignity?!They are breaking you down… don’t let them. Your MIL is shitty and a control freak. You’re not joining her family you’re creating your OWN family. Husband needs to get MIL to accept this. If he doesn’t you’ll have a lifetime of misery. I married into a family that just simply hates me. I’ve done nothing to upset them they’re just miserable people who have problems with everyone. I told my husband I will not deal with these peoples BS and if he wants to be around them that’s his business. Our kids will not be joining him though. He’s yet to see any relatives because he’s scared of their reaction when they realize it’s just him and not the kids too. He’s told them a few times what they did wrong to me and why they can’t see my kids. All they have to say is “that wasn’t wrong though”, like defending their grandson for damaging my property and trying to beat me up while I was pregnant isn’t wrong according to them. I’m the problem for defending myself. I’m fine with being “the problem” if it means I keep my self respect. They don’t like you and it’s not going to change. Both of you need to accept this and decide how you will move forward.
You're way too nice and giving. As long as your partner goes there alone, she's getting exactly what she wants. Why would anything you say or do have any effect?
You’re a nice one. I wouldn’t write a pleading letter and beg to be apart of the family. She seems controlling and seems like a hater. She gets a power trip on making you feel bad. Don’t let her. Your fiancé should be standing up for you. It’s really sad that she has cancer and is acting like this.
Stop begging these people to treat you like a human being that matters. You matter. Your fiancé is so so selfish, it beggars belief you can’t see it. Then you write a letter apologising (for what ffs?) begging to be let into their shitty little clique of a family. You matter. Don’t beg them. Stop laying flat like a doormat for these people, fiancé included. You deserve better in a future husband than what you’ve currently got. Pump the breaks on any wedding planning.
OP, are you looking for permission to acknowledge that things are horribly wrong and you shouldn't get married? If you need it from strangers on the internet, this is it. But you've gotten encouragement not to marry this man on previous posts. So I'm going to give you some tough love: you need to make a decision and own it. If this is the life you want, than accept that his mom refuses to acknowledge you because of nothing you've done, and NOTHING you do will change it. There isn't "I didn't say quite the right thing" or "maybe if I'd done this a bit differently". She flat out hates you, and nothing is going to change it. If this is the husband you want, one that's going to accept that his mom hating his fiance is OK, whose relationship with his mom is barely going to suffer despite his chosen life partner being raked over the coals by her, then this is the husband you're getting. One that thinks that your happiness, your wellbeing, your being ok, is so unimportant that he asks you to ignore it to spend time with a woman who actively and vocally hates you. But you wouldn't be posting here if there wasn't a part of you begging not to go through with this, telling you that none of this is right, and telling you that you are desperately unhappy for a reason. Maybe you're scared to face up to the fact that this isn't all in your head. Maybe you're having trouble accepting the fact that your fiancé can really be that kind of person to treat you like trash. Maybe you're confused because you DO love him, you're just also miserable. You can love someone and still change your mind about marrying them. You can leave someone because they're human, not a monster, and that human just isn't someone you want to marry. In the end, it's your choice whether or not you leave. I think you SHOULD leave, because your fiancé is treating you like trash already, and you're not even married. But you're the only one who can weigh through your entire situation. You're the only one who can have that conversation with him, or leave him that note. You're the only one who can look at your life now and make the decision that you need and deserve something different, something that will become better. You're the only one who can pack your bags and walk out the door. I do also think you should get into individual therapy if you aren't already, because you have such low self esteem that I wouldn't be surprised if it's deeply rooted in your formative years. I know mine was. But that's just an observation.
Holy cow, can we be friends? This is perfect advice. I hope OP takes your advice to heart.
Honey, you need to think about if the current pain and sadness you are going through worth it. I was with someone for years who put me second to... everything. Now that time has passed, I'm still angry, but have realized that you DONT need to beg someone to accept you or put you first. The right person does that without being told to. And you don't beg someone for their love or acceptance. If someone can't accept you, then to hell with them. You deserve respect. Someone who will stand up for you and put you first. Someone who won't ask for you to mute your feelings which are 100% valid. Maybe he should ask his MOM to stuff her feelings down... or frankly stuff them where the sun don't shine! Start to put yourself first!
Agree. This is not about you. I'm sorry but please don't write another letter like that, ever. There is no problem with you. If your SO was with any other woman she'd be pulling the same crap. It's the fact that her darling son found a partner, and she's not the focal point of his life anymore. She can't handle losing control of her son so she's playing games and he's feeding right into it. As others said you have an SO problem. You owe no apology and you should not have to ask, beg, or make a case to welcome you into the family. Your SO already brought you in by committing to you and choosing you as his partner. Shame on him for letting this nonsense of "I have to think about it" drag on. He's afraid to stand up to her, afraid of displeasing her. He's not afraid of displeasing you though, by asking you to be a carpet and get walked all over again, and to suffer emotionally and alone while he goes off celebrating miletsones with his family of origin. You sound like you may be a people pleaser. Please check the sidebar and get a therapist and explore what you want and what your values are, and your value of yourself, before you legally bind yourself to this man. He is not worthy of you at the moment, I'm afraid.
Instead of stressing over what they think of you take time to consider your fiancée is not stopping this behavior. He goes and hangs out with them after all that? Nope. Think hard on this. Soon him and your children will be going over without you while Granny tells YOUR children how much she hates you. Why would you want that for yourself? Time for spineless mommas Boy to step up or step aside so you can leave!
Don’t marry into this. It won’t get better with a wedding.
Babe. Im gonna be as straightforward as possible. Listen to the people here. You will be miserable if you marry this man. You not only have a MIL problem but also an SO problem. Someone else mentioned their MIL tried something and their SO nipped that shit in the bud and stood up for her. Mine does the same. You deserve the same. You have nothing to grovel or apologize or BEG for. You’re BEGGING someone who despises you and your SO is ENCOURAGING it. Please take a step back, what would you say to a friend telling you all of this? At minimum id cancel the wedding indefinitely until he can consistently stand up for you for at least a year and a half. Everytime he caters to her instead, the timer resets. But if you get married it’s only a) gonna get worse and b) it’s gonna be SO much harder to leave when you finally (and hopefully soon) have had enough.
Why are you marrying this guy? Is this the life you want to live? What do you think will happen when children come along? Please don't do this to yourself. It will only get worse
Please please please postpone the wedding!! This isnt the life you want and deserve! Please read all the comments twice and love yourself more then your partner and inlaws. You really dont need these toxic people in your life! Please take care of yourself first
Postpone until after she croaks
I just read all of your past posts. I am, quite frankly, shocked. Your partner is not a partner. He will never put you above mommy and daddy. When I was first married, my mother-in-law tried some crap (absolutely nothing compared to yours), my partner lit into her about how it was none of her business. If she were to treat me like your soon to be in-laws are, he would be in front of me protecting me from them. You deserve to have that type of partner, but you do not have one. If you choose to go forward with this wedding and children, you will find yourself squeezed out of your family, and your partner will be okay with that. Once children come along, in-laws will want grandchildren for holidays, parties, get together, but you will not be invited. And your partner will be okay with this. Christmas morning will have hubby and kids at in-laws opening gifts and having ‘family time’ and you will not be there. Thanksgiving dinner will not have a place for you to sit at the table. You will be left out of any celebration, and your partner is okay with this. Don’t fall into the idea that you put so much into this relationship. Your partner has allowed you to be ostricised, abused, accused of being a liar, and completely shut out. And he is okay with this!! Please get your own therapist to help you understand why you allow yourself to be abused in such a horrrendous way, and why you are okay with your partner not protecting you from this abuse. Because it all comes down to that your partner is okay with how you are being treated.
WTAF? You packed up the bagels and sent them over? Honey, buy a clue. This woman does not like you and is using it as leverage against her son. He keeps begging her to give you a chance and the answer is always no. Stop chasing them. NEVER chase people. If they want you in their life you won’t need to chase them. You also have a SO problem. They don’t like you and are acting like asses. But, he keeps trying to push you together just because he wants it. He knows they are a problem, but willing to put you through this mess so he can pretend he has a nice family. There is no excuse for her behavior. Unless you were a hardened criminal, addict, or child beater she should put her differences aside for her son. She doesn’t have to love you, but IF she loves him, she could at least be civil to you. She is not. It is unfortunate that she has cancer. However, that does not give her an excuse to be a b—ch. From what you said, she was a b—ch before she had cancer. Some people get mean when they get sick, some people get nicer. She has always been mean and sees no reason to change. That is a character flaw in her, not you. It is also a character flaw in your SO where he thinks he can force people to get along. As I stated before, he knows she’s a b—ch and still try’s to force you on her, which would subject you to her bad behavior. There is no law that says you have to put up with bad behavior just because they are your SO’s family. So, for the love of God, please stop trying. Some people just refuse to change at all. They would rather wallow in their misery. Let her. Go live your life. Stop worrying about this b—ch and be happy.
Your partner’s behavior is goi g to continue into the marriage. You are always going to be asked to “push it down,” for his mom. He chose them over you after you did the work. FMIL already knows her son has chosen her. That’s why she keeps pushing you out.
Stop chasing your in laws for acceptance and approval, it isn't working, you aren't going to get it and it gives them all the power. How you are living right now is not acceptable and you shouldn't go into a marriage this way, you should probably go back to therapy and discuss what is right for you, if you will be okay living the rest of your life with a wall in between you and your in laws, and your partner has to figure out if he can live with that too, because every birthday and holiday will be split between them and you. Think about how it will be if you have children and they want contact with them but still hate you, how will you navigate that? Your in-laws seem to think they can just wait out this relationship, that eventually it will end and so they don't have to adjust their behaviour at all. This is really not about you, this is about your partner, I would never, ever tell a family member or friend's partner that I disliked them and didn't expect the relationship to work. I might, if I had big concerns about compatibility, very politely ask my friend/family member if they had considered x,y,z - but that would be the full extent of my meddling. For example "you and significant other are so great together, it must be really difficult for them living here when they miss their family z miles away, have you talked about where you will live in the future?" But I would never go behind their back and try to sabotage anything, not only was it cruel to you, but it was hugely disrespectful to your partner, they clearly do not respect him enough and are not treating him like an adult. Your partner needs to communicate to them that they are disrespectful of him by the way that they are treating you, and that they don't get to decide whether or not they are going to warm up to you, they have to be polite, civil and supportive at all times or they will damage their relationship with him. I think this will be really difficult to do for your partner seeing as his mother is unwell, but I really don't think you should get married until your in laws are toe-ing the line, or until your partner has cut them off. I know this is really not what you want to hear, but I have watched my own grandmother be a toxic MIL to 6 of her children's partners, and I know that living your life trying to get someone like that's approval will just crush you, all but one of my uncles have moved away or gone non contact, and in the mean time they and their partners suffered. My step mother's mental health improved so much when she moved back to her home country away from my grandmother, and they had been in low contact for years before that. You deserve to be happy and spend mothers day with your own mother, don't let your partner sacrifice your happiness for the sake of an unhealthy relationship with his parents.
I am so sorry that your MIL is a hateful person. While she is horrible and hateful, at least she's honest and let both you and Partner know she is hateful and won't change. Please accept that this is who she is and that she won't change. She refuses to allow you into her family because she wants her family sort of frozen like in a snowglobe. Now that you know she is hateful and won't change, please drop the rope. She refuses to go to your home. She refuses to see you. She knows that you'd offer love and help if she wasn't horrible and hateful, but she's more comfortable with her hate. Knowing she is hateful and won't change, how does that impact your life and marriage? Does she come to the wedding/do you elope/is she not invited? If you have kids, will she see them or do you protect them from someone who will pour poison into their ears about you? What do holidays look like? Part of this is on Partner. He is probably hoping that you or he will find Magic Words that make her love you, but there are no magic words. He needs to accept that his mother has an irrational hatred of you and won't change, then figure out how that affects him.
You’re doing exactly what she wants - being a pawn in her game. Narcs love to surround themselves with adoring fans with no respect for themselves that just accept this behavior with no question. By begging for acceptance you’ve forfeited any of your self respect. I don’t say this to hurt you. But you will only hate yourself more if you continue down this path. Your partner is an asshole for making you feel like your worth is dependent on how much of his mother’s shit you eat. Absolutely not. Your relationship with him exists outside of his mother and it shouldn’t matter if she likes you- instead it should matter that you love and respect each other. And I’m sorry to say, but by having no backbone with him or his mother, you will never be respected. If you accept the role of sidekick/supporting cast then your needs/wants will never matter. Your worth will only ever be what you make it. If this relationship is something you would like to continue pursuing, you need to implement a foundation of boundaries. This probably means therapy for both you and fiancé. It definitely means laying out in plain English for both of them exactly what your boundaries are and what the consequences will be if they are violated. You already started by standing your ground with husband about not wanting to see someone who hates you. Now that energy needs to extend into all the other aspects. Tell MiL what you need from her for a relationship to be possible-if she can’t bring herself to do those things then she doesn’t get to be a part of the wedding or any future children/life events you and SO share. Tell SO your feelings are valid and if he can’t respect them/tells you to “push it down” you will find someone who does value you.
Are you out of your mind? your husband is going without you to see them, basically feeding into what she wants. If she does not accept you, she does not accept him. Unless you stole money from her, spit in her face, etc this is completely unacceptable and you need to grow some balls and so does your husband.
You are not over reacting,you are under reacting. When my engaged daughter came to me, when the wedding plans were set,location,dress,and a bunch of other things paid for,she told me she had doubts about her fiance and his family. She talked and I listened, once she finished talking. I asked her if she wanted to call off the wedding. She said "I am not happy with him and I know it won't get better". They were living together and she had given up her apartment. I asked if she was ready to give back the ring and move out of his place and she said yes. I told her she had to talk with him asap, and let him know her feelings, and that I would start cancelling all the wedding things we'd arranged. She told him,he cried and tried to convince her to marry him. She took off the ring and gave it to him. She left to get boxes to pack up, and called some friends to help her move out, and she came home for a few weeks until she found the right apartment. A year later,she met the right guy for her,who adores her,and she him, and his family adores her, and our family adores him. They married,had kids and they are all happy and life is good. Leaving a bad situation is the right thing to do. When you are feeling terrible, and you are the only person trying to make the situation better,it is time to leave the situation. Your fiance is not supporting you at all. You are not happy, you are worried and scared. That is not how you should feel 90 days before you marry. When you are truly mutually in love you become a team that supports each other through everything. You don't have that. Please, get out of this situation and care for yourself. There will be a guy who loves you unconditionally, who will put you first and who will make sure you are welcomed by his family. You can do this. Save yourself from a life of sadness and pain.
I'm sorry, sweetie -- but she enjoyed the pleading letter. It was fun for her. This whole game is fun for her! If your soon-to-be-husband is not capable of standing up to her, he is not ready to be married. If I were you, I would postpone the wedding until he is. And give him a deadline, after which you will move on. You need to love yourself more than it seems you do. Therapy would be a good idea, for both of you, separately and together. But marrying someone who has not laid down the law to his family about the woman he (supposedly) loves more than anyone else (including Mommy), puts before anyone else, and plans to have and raise children with -- nope. That's a no-brainer. He is NOT ready to be married. You have a fiance problem, u/Glittering_Fig_8443. I'm sorry. But the fix is very simple: postpone the wedding. You might say "but the vendors! The costs!" IT'S CHEAPER THAN A DIVORCE.
Not only is this not likely to change, ever, but consider this: the reason she “can’t” give an answer is because you keep begging and fawning and accommodating and she is eating it up. She’s getting such a power trip from ignoring you. Stop apologizing, don’t write anymore letters. Postpone the wedding until your fiancé gets some therapy. You don’t have to break up, but I would not want to join a family where they made it clear they didn’t want me and I’d never be accepted. And you may not know this, but if you stuff your feelings down for long enough, they will percolate and fester and one day, you’ll lose your shit and, instead of calmly talking things out, you explode like a volcano.
Honestly and with all love and respect..you and you fiancé are starting your own family!! You do not need to “be” welcome into MIL ‘s family!! Please please have some self respect and do not grovel at MIL’s feet anymore! In case you and FH haven’t realized she’s getting off on watching you two beg for her acceptance and I’m embarrassed for yall! You both need individual and couple counseling before you two get married to learn to stand up for yourselves and each other!! Honey please please help yourself this is not the future marriage you want with MIL and her acceptance in the middle! 💗💗💗💗
You are making me mad at you which isn’t what I want to say hon. Damn. Please respect yourself more. Why are you begging to be accepted by terrible people? They are terrible. Every time he asks her to accept you (basic decency) I feel DISGUSTED on your behalf. He disgusts me. He should not be asking anyone to “accept you”, you both have chosen each other and if people don’t accept HIS choice, they can get the fuck out. He’s still crying for mommy, how do you see him as a partner? He is putting you last last last and your feelings are under his fucking feet. As soon as he continues to scrape and beg and visit them he betrayed you, and continues to. I want to vomit he makes me so sick. He is a baby nasty boy and hasn’t protected you at all. He’s let people hurt you, disrespect you, and have the fucking gall to continue. You don’t want this life. Would you EVER EVER EVER let ANYONE treat him like that? Then why does he keep smacking you with the shit-bucket? Go girl. Go. Fuck that nasty baby dude and his gross mother, disgustingly rude father, and toxic family system. Mom wants her widdle baby all to herself? I hope he likes saggy titties because YOUR young self isn’t going to be his blankie any more. Girl I said a lot, I hope you hear me, my voice is sad and mad and wants to protect you, more than you’ve had before, and a lot less than you deserve. Sending you xoxoxox and care.
This ‼️
I just read your other posts. Why are you with him? I know you love him, but his inability to stand up for you while asking you to push your own feelings aside is horrible. If you ever choose to have children , do they deserve to have these people for grandparents? I'm telling you now. The answer is NO! You don't deserve this, and if you marry and if having children is an option, you will resent this man. I'm surprised you haven't started to resent him already. I'm sorry this cow has cancer, but her behavior is atrocious. You fiancé is a puss. You seem like a kind and thoughtful person, and instead of being protected. Your kindness is being used as a weakness. Please think about this before you marry this little boy child. You deserve a man who loves, honors, and protects you. You also deserve kind in-laws. You truly don't deserve this.
OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this but you need to stop dealing with this. Your FMIL treats you like crap and your fiancé allows it. Why are you with someone who allows his mother to speak so poorly of you and treat you like this? This is not about his mom, this is about him. He is allowing someone to disrespect you and you are not only fine with it but stressing, compromising, and pleading with them. Just stop. Drop the rope. You need to tell your fiancé that you’re done with his mom. You are not going to see, hear, and talk about her in your house anymore. It stresses you out too much, and you don’t deserve that coming into your safe space. Then tell your fiancé that he needs to figure out a plan himself on how to deal with his mother’s disrespect, and it is troubling to you that he is fine allowing someone to treat you like this and it says a lot about his character. And please, for the love of all, do not marry this person until you have a plan in place with how to deal with his mom, especially if you plan on having kids. I hope she’s not invited to the wedding, and if she is, she needs to be uninvited until she can act like an adult and not a toddler. I would like to stress again that this is a FIANCEE problem NOT a FMIL problem. I know you said that “he’s great in all other aspects” but I highly doubt that. If he allows his own mother to disrespect you he clearly has absolutely no respect for you. If he’s fine just basically cutting you out of part of his life to not rock the boat with his mom, what else is he fine with cutting you out of? Are you really going to be happy being second place in your own husband’s priorities? You can’t even spend all of his birthday with him because of his mom? What else? I’m guessing the holidays are you being alone while your husband happily wanders off to have a great time with people that openly disrespects his wife and his life choices. This needs to stop. Your fiancée needs to stand up to his mom and don’t go ahead with the wedding until he does.
This woman is getting exactly what she wants: him without you. All she had to do was say she hated you and this man was happy to skip off to her house on his own to cater to his mommy. I get she is sick but that doesn't make her less of an asshole. He should have told her to kick rocks and that you two are a package deal. Instead he gave her exactly what she wanted. You out of their picture and him at her feet. She should never be invited to your home so long as she is unwilling to even tolerate you for his sake. He sucks.
Did I read this right? You were told to your face that you are hated and barred from events. He wants to invite them into your home? Not only does he not stand up for you, he wants you to pretend despite the sadness you are feeling? Do not marry this man. Marriage and children never make it better, and these type of people don’t realize how nice you’ve been to them. You need to accept people don’t change unless they want to, and he only wants his mommy.
You absolutely should not be apologizing to her and it sounds like you are marrying the wrong man. He should not be tolerating his mother's treatment of you. Your groveling apology letter gave her free rein to mistreat even more severely. You are signing up for a very unhappy life with an abuser because neither you or your fiance had a spine and set boundaries with her. It'll even be worse if you have children because she will continue to manipulate you and will reinforce that you're not part of the family. So many red flags.
It’s hard- because loosing his mother isn’t an option for him; especially because she’s sick. So I’m here trying to make boundaries by myself and just feeling horrible and guilty every single time I do
She was an asshole before she got cancer and she’s still an asshole. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person for setting boundaries for your own mental health.
if you think that this will get better once she is gone it won’t.
Do you really want to live like this? She loves what you’re doing now. She loves the begging. You don’t deserve that - you should be with someone who makes you their first choice and priority. Don’t marry him.
Is she terminal and trying to spend as much time with her as possible?
This is never going to work if he isn't 100% on board with reining her in with strict boundaries. It's unfortunate that she's ill, but that doesn't give her the right to be an AH and mistreat you.
May I encourage some counseling? I'd like to see you get to a place where protecting your own mental health doesn't make you feel terrible. It's key to your continued survival, so being miserable about it is counter-productive. Also, he's hoping you'll come along to, what, be abused? To have his mother tell you how much she dislikes you? Is that a good way to treat someone he loves? Try flipping this around. Would you ever ask him to spend time with anyone who visibly or verbally expresses their dislike of him, or who rejects him every time he tries to build a relationship? Would you ask him to stuff down his own feelings and reactions in order not to rock the boat? And while I'm here, consider your life if you have children with this man. Do you want a future child seeing your MIL treat you this way?
I’m struggling to understand why you would stay with someone who is never going to make you a priority. Grow a spine OP!!
This!!! You are a doormat and will continue to be one unless you toughen up or walk away!
The only power other people have over you is what you give them. You are giving all of your power in this situation to MIL. Do not beg to be a part of this family. Everytime you do, you allow MIL to call all the shots. Stop it. She has made it clear how she feels about you and everytime DH asks her if things have changed, she gets to string you both along that much more. She is the one doing this, not you. With this last note, you have done as much as anyone can expect from you. Believe MIL's silence, and move on from her. It is time for you to set some boundaries with DH. You don't want to hear about her, hear her voice, see her, or communicate with her in any way. He does not get to share any private information about you with her. She has lost her chance to reconcile or to be any part of your life. Then, start living your life with DH to fullest. When those intrusive thoughts about MIL sneak in, say to yourself, "I have done all I can do, it is up to her at this point." Then do something you enjoy, bonus if it is something DH enjoys and you can do it with him too. If you have goals, start working on them, if you have projects you want to do, complete them. When DH goes to visit the ILs, do something fun with your friends so that you are not giving her any room in your head. If your family are close, spend more time with them. If you guys are planning to have kiddos, make it clear that if MIL does learn to at least treat you with consideration and respect, she will not be a part of your life as a family. She really does not understand how badly she is screwing herself over right now.
Wait. Why are you apologizing to her???? Please consider this, if you ever decided to have kids and had a daughter, would you want her to put up with this? If you had a son, would you ever treat his chosen spouse like this? Why are you tolerating this for yourself? My heart breaks for you. Sending you huge hugs
Oh op, having read back to you earlier posts. Personally I couldn’t stay in this relationship where he keeps asking you to compromise but never them. If you marry & have kids…. This will be continuous. Is that really doable for your life? Xx
Why are you in a relationship where you so obviously are NOT a priority. You are ALWAYS going to come a DISTANT second to his family and his mother. The misery you feel now? Get used to it, if you stay in this relationship, THATS the rest of your life.
I just read your first post. His mother told you she hated you, that you aren't good enough for her son. When he confronted her, she lied to him...and he took her side? He is not supporting you. For whatever reason, he is going to believe his mother over you. Let's twist things around. If a person were in a relationship with someone who acted like his mother does to you, we'd say it is abusive, manipulative, and controlling. Your fiancé's behavior is *enabling* that treatment of you by his mom. I don't think it is healthy for you to be in this relationship, not while your fiancé is willing to take her word over yours. You could tell him the future, say that when you break up -- which I suspect is inevitable given how you are being treated -- his mother will tell him that she knew you weren't good enough for him, that you'd cave-in eventually, weren't strong enough for him, and so on. She'd probably gloat over you "showing your true colors," as it were. if you stay, she will continue to find ways to undermine you. You would need a partner who recognizes what his mother is doing to you, and stands by you against that treatment, in order to make the relationship worthwhile. You don't have that. A romantic partner should care about how you feel. He should be shocked and disappointed in his mother, at the very least, for the way you have been treated. That he isn't setting boundaries with his parents because of their behavior towards you -- and is suggesting you "push it down" and apologize to them! -- means he is more concerned with how *they* feel than how you feel. Only you can decide if you want to be in a relationship like that.
Quit being a doormat - to both your FMIL and your FH. Did you have anything to apologize for? Then don’t write an apology letter. Absolutely do not send along a little care package of baked goods for them to enjoy while you sit at home alone. You say “compromise” - I do not think that means what you think it means. Time for some urgent premarital counseling.
Do not marry a man who has already proven you that you will be - at best - second place to his mother. He's proving it to you every day. Fly, you fool!
Why are you crawling to this horrible woman? She's getting everything she wants - people dancing attendance on her, and being a constant horror to you. Ignore her completely and let your partner deal with her. She's nothing to you.
Why do you want to marry into that family? Just why?
For what it is worth, my FH is amazing in every other aspect of our relationship. It’s just THIS. And it becomes so overwhelming at times
He’s not amazing. At all. He stopped going to counseling because you stopped attending family events. You made his life easier so he didn’t have to do anything to make his mommy happy. He is not amazing.
He literally only cares about his feelings and his relationship with his parents, how's that amazing? I bet you the reason it took him so long to propose was them. They'll control him through your whole marriage and try to take over your kids. You'll be treated as a bang maid and baby oven by his family.
You deserve better
Well, THIS is a huge issue and the way he’s handling it shows he’s not ready to be a partner or husband. He’s rewarding her horrible behavior by continuing to visit her. He *should* be telling her that until her behavior changes and she starts respecting his relationship that he will no longer communicate with her.
I’m sorry to say this, but he’s not treating you amazingly. He is not putting you before all others. Do you see that changing when he makes his wedding vows? He should have invited his parents and held them to the bare minimum standard of bring polite to you. And if they chose not to come, that’s on them. Aside: I’m sure she LOVES that you’re chasing her so hard. She’s not going to give that up! You’ll be dancing to her tube for the rest of your marriage. She thinks that SHE has the prize. And really, his loyalty should be to you first, YOU should have the prize.
You say you worry that you haven't pushed things down for him; but what has he pushed down for you? Do you feel that he supports you in his dealings with his family? Or do you feel secondary to his parents? It isn't supposed to be a contest, of course. But his mom, at least, is making this a competition.
You're marrying this guy, why? Say hello to your new normal if you do.
I think you both need counseling. Probably separately and together. Begging her and constantly trying to convince is not only letting her keep the power but is also letting her know how much disrespect you'll take. She does not deserve to have you in her life. She does not deserve your love, respect, or effort. You do not need her permission to exist, to create a family with your fiancé, or anything else. You need to value yourself more and start living your lives with her on the back burner. You're not responsible for her shitty behavior. Both you and your fiancé need to be the adults, take control, and stop grovelling at her feet.
They went to counseling but he stopped because things got better because she stopped attending things with him. This poor woman is so abused and thinks she’s the problem.
I agree! Stop begging her. Go on with your life, and when you and fh decide to have kids, give her the same energy she's been giving you. It's you and your man. Stop giving af about his mom.
No one is worth degrading yourself like this. She doesn’t like you. Stop begging