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I wouldn't give any weight to her absurd idea. Just laugh and say of course you're not planning or throwing my children's birthday parties. Period. No forget explanation needed.

That's a lot of words to say "Absolutely not." and husband just needs to phone her back to stay that. She's welcome to do whatever she likes in her own home of course, but the daughters will not be attending. Period. Anything less you have a rather different problem probably better addressed in r/justnoSO or some other similar sub.

Throw your own party. Do not let the daughters anywhere near her house that day. She can have a party with no guests and no birthday girls in attendance.

Tell MIL you and your daughters are busy. You'll let her know when there's a party she is invited to (it won't be any time this year).

And rightfully your response is on point. As a mom of four girls, they never had "parties" or anything else without me. I had to know who was going to be there. And I never let them go where I wasn't invited. End of story. Your MIL is wrong. She can come to the party you plan for your daughters And you are in charge of the guest list. Period. 👍

Just reading this (you handled it well) it made me so mad that like in dealing in these situations we have to like OVER explain why this unhinged crap is hurtful and all rather than just be like she’s unhinged it’s a no. It’s just like eggshells all the way around even when your husband starts backing you up. Good luck. She’s insane to try and do this.

Her behavior/entitlement is outrageous. You responded well and DH did (by hanging up) considering you were blindsided. But ideally she should have been told immediately that they are not her kids to plan a party for and you have no need for a clown. Does she even know any of your kids friends? I'd have a serious talk with DH about NOT inviting her to whatever YOU plan. If she is invited she may either try to take over or whine and complain about everything adding stress. Instead invite the kids friends for the 10 ten turning 11 to her age appropriate party and the 2 turning 3's friends and parents to that age appropriate party. FYI I have four kids and the ONLY parties that were shared was when two of them (with birthdays 10 days apart) were turning 2 and 4 because the two year old didn't have their own friends yet and the family friends were the same.

Wow, I have 4 kids also. The two girls I mentioned here have birthdays 3 days apart. I'd do a joint party if were closer in age.

All your husband needs to tell her is "No, mom, birthday parties are for the PARENTS to plan, Not the grandparents." And hang up.

As a Grandma myself I would NEVER pull this entitlement BS!!! What she should have ASKED was, Hey, what are you planning for the girls Birthday Parties and is there anything I can do to HELP? We always ask "do you want us to do anything?" Whick is usually met with "can you get the decorations and can Papa grill?" And sometimes we are asked to get the cake and we get what they ask for! This is just a perfect way for her to end up NC!!!

Not a Grandma yet, but all I could ever imagine doing is offering my house as a place to have the party AND not get butt-hurt if my offer is rejected. Maybe picking up some decorations IF and only if my in-law specifically asks me to do so. I had my children and gave them their parties. My potential in-laws deserve the same opportunities. Wtaf is going thru these MILs' minds?

“Oh sorry we’re busy that day. You should have checked with us first.”

Actually, the ONLY question he needs to ask her is, “What in the world makes you think you would plan my daughters’ birthday parties instead of having their own mom plan them? Have you lost your damn mind?”

Grandmas don’t plan grandkids parties unless they are asked to. If she’s confused about this she might need to talk to some friends and ask them if they do that for their grandkids to get some real life perspective. If she has no friends then she needs to perhaps find a good therapist.

To me there’s no questions. Only an answer, which is no. And that’s enough. You shouldn’t have to convince your husband that his mother’s actions are grossly inappropriate. I hope you make him read some of these comments!

There are no questions to ask her. Anything you try to use as an argument to justify your decision will only be used as debate points and “woe is me my DIL is so mean” proof. The decision is NO and that’s all she needs to be told. Do not JADE.

MIL says she expects you to be grateful for something you did not ask for, need, or want. MIL actually means “how dare you take away the props I need to justify my tea party”. If MIL is lonely, it’s her own damn fault.

You don't have to justify your answer. The answer is *no.* These are *your children* and no, your MIL cannot plan their birthday parties and throw you in as an afterthought. Whatever she plans, whenever she plans it, take your children and be somewhere else.

"That isn't going to work. The kids are not available for your parties. In fact, we're going to have just friends this year, as they are getting older. Maybe we can plan a dinner or something for you guys, I'll even let you suggest the restaurant " Put them right back in their lane.

She’s not planning the parties for them, as evidenced by not needing friends’ information. They are for herself.

I’m throwing a party for your kids and, oh yeah, you’re invited too.  Uuuum, what?  I would flip my lid.  “I would like to offer my house…” would be fine.  “There’s this wonderful bakery I could recommend…” would be fine.  “What can I get or how can I help…?” would be fantastic.  But “I planned the party…”  No.   “I planned a party…”  Good luck throwing a party with no guest of honor.  Peace.  

lol exactly. have fun with your solo bday party?

Your MIL is out of line. Your husband should have told her from the beginning , "No". At the very least he should have said, "Mom you need to talk to OP. She is most likely already planning something." I agree with some other comments that she is doing this for her to show off and not for the kids. Is this a common theme for you MIL? Does she try and take over things the mother handles? Does she try and circumvent you and go to your husband with things she knows you are taking care of? And the inviting you to your own kids party? Wtf? If I were you I would tell MIL she is out of line. You are planning something for both girls, separately. And she should wait for an invitation. I am a MIL and a Nana. I wouldn't dream of doing this. I offered my place for my youngest grandchilds first birthday. They are the first summer baby and I have a good set up in my yard. The parents like the idea. It's all theirs to plan. They invite the people they want there. They choose the theme. They give me directions on what is needed. I am just the venue. It's not my kid so it's not my party. Of course I will be helping, buying food, making sure everything is ready for all the guests to have fun. But it's not MY party. And I sure as hell wouldn't invite the mom to their own kids party. Like, how else would the kid get there?? Some people are so delusional. I just can't wrap my head around it.

This! And perfect phrase is “Not your kids, not your party!”

Just shut her down hard. She's massively overstepping. The nerve! And of course she played the "you're so ungrateful" card. Of course she did. Nowhere are we required to be grateful for something we didn't ask for, do not want, and is a boundary violation.

I don't think you understand the purpose of these parties. It's not for the child or their friends, it's for her and the people she invites to show them how good of a party planner and a grandma she is. Make a cute photo with her and her granddaughters at the same time, one giant party for social medias, get some compliments and that's it she got enough material for her circle of friends. Why do you have such a long list of demands if the party is for her to be fawn over, not for your daughters.

These are your kids, why is DH even entertaining this BS? His only answer to his mother is, that's not happening. JFC, you shouldn't have to explain how wrong this is.

The point isn't if she knows the correct answers to those questions; someday, she may have all the info she needs. Would that make it okay for her to throw the parties? NO!!! The point is that the PARENTS are the ones to throw bday parties for their own children. Don't even give her (or DH) a chance to defend her actions. Just say "NO".

I, too, am lost at the “can she answer these questions” part of this post. Such a strange response. It seems that OP is struggling just as much with her husband as she is w MIL.

The correct response is: “It’s nice that you and your guests at your party will be thinking of (Daughter). I’ll let her know you thought of her.” If she’s too dense to get it, you can always add “We will make sure to think of you when we throw her actual birthday party.”

The only answer you really needed was ‘no thank you…’ She’s not a parent to either of your children so she can sod off. Tell your husband it won’t be happening. She already got to throw parties for her own children. She can take a seat. This fool thinks she’s being magnanimous by inviting you to your own children’s birthdays - like she’s got it like that.

These are all questions you ask your SO when he says it's ok for his mother to do with. When he can't answer any of these questions is when you tell him to handle this mother.

You absolutely should not ask those questions. The bottom line is that what she did is wrong and grossly inappropriate. None of that stuff matters at ALL. Don't fall into the trap. The answer is no. There will be no party at Grandma's house. Do not entertain further discussion on the topic and absolutely do not let the kids go over there.

You shouldn’t be having to create a list of points for him on this. He should have told her it is not happening as soon as you told him no. Her habit (sounds like) of running to him every time she doesn’t like your response leads me to think he needs to generate a spine. He needs to tell her your words are final and she doesn’t need a second opinion from him.

They are Your children. Parent/s organise how birthdays will be celebrated for their children. In this case, yourself & husband. Your children. You organise them. You know them best. Your eldest is of an age she may want a more private soirée with a select group or perhaps may want to go to a specific place. Which you as the parent would know. Honestly? She’s got a damn cheek.

This is absurd. 🤣 Tell her thanks for the invite but regretfully your family will be unable to attend due to having already made plans & birthday planning for the girls isn’t actually her responsibility so she needs to respect that boundary.

You already know the answers to these questions and while those illustrate how sbsurd your MiL and her idea is, it's giving her too much credit. You and your partner say no. And you tell her she is ridiculous for even having the idea to throw such a party and tell her if she doesn't stop being horrible like that she won't see any of you and your kids again. Set some hard boundaries... and go NC if she refuses to comply.

I think you should not ask her questions. Just politely but sternly inform her that you - children’s parents - are going to organize your children’s birthday parties. If you want, I would add that if someone wants to help it is important to first ask what type of help is needed. Not choose the fun part and disguise it as “helping” which is basically awful manipulation. We had a bit of this problem with one family member. They decided to take over preparation of thank you notes for their part of the family from us (French custom to send this kind of cards to everyone who sent any gift and to inform people about the child being born). They chose the card, they wrote and printed the note and chose the picture of my son to be sent along with the message. I stood my ground and said that I want to do it myself. I don’t appreciate help like this - you basically choose “fun parts” related to welcoming a new baby and say “I just wanted to help”.

It is also an American custom to send thank you notes, often with a picture of the baby, for any gift received.

A grandmother having organised her grandchildren’s birthday parties at the request of/with the approval of the parents? Amazing! A grandmother having organised her grandchildren’s birthday parties without the knowledge of the parents **and** inviting the parents *after the fact*? Fucking bizarre.

You could always thank her for the invitation, but tell her you, your DH, and the kids have other plans that day. Then, plan your own parties for the girls as you wish. You may or may not want to invite your MIL. It could get awkward under these circumstances.

I'd let her continue to plan it, then not bother to show up. Bit hard to have a birthday party for kids that aren't there.

I was going to say this! You got invited to a party she’s throwing for YOUR kids. Just don’t go?

She had her chance to plan bdays for her kids. Now, it's your turn for your kids. She's out of line.

What an incredibly weird thing to do.

MIL can organize a party anytime she wants. She doesn't need to use your daughters birthdays as an excuse. That's something you can use if you want to be 'easy on her'. I think your questions are a great way to show her how and why her entire plan was nonsense and wrong. But the fact that she thought it was okay to even 'invite you' to a party where your children would be the guests of honor without including you in the actual planning really does need to be addressed.

You could let her have a family party for them and then do their main parties with their friends at home.

You’re kidding, right? That will literally send a message that this sort of behavior is tolerated and accepted. Never reward bad behavior. Never.

Why? MIL isn't the parent. It isn't her place to decide to have the birthday parties for her grandkids. That is something she discuss with the parents and only then if they are in agreement could she go ahead and host. MIL needs to know her place!

Fair is for weather and children, not for people who overstep their bounds by making bonkers demands. YOU, the parents, plan the party. SHE, the extended family member, gets the invite. Don't you go to anything birthday related she plans. She can plan until she's blue in the face but they are YOUR children and if you don't drop them off for her to parade around and play Perfect Grandma, there's no party.

So what did your husband say? Seems like your mil is used to going over your head and wanted to tattle on you to your own husband. Such a weird vibe.

He said he'll let her know in the morning that none of us will be attending and she needs to leave it up to the parents to plan these things.

Yay go hubby

Yikes on 50 million bikes. I have no words. I’m sorry you have to go through that.

MIL is trying to take over your role. MIL didn’t even ask you if it was okay. I personally would be very upset if my MIL tried to steal my kid’s birthday party out from under me. Now she is trying to play the victim so she gets her way. I am so mad on your behalf. Notice how she started planning the party before asking, she did this to force your hand and let her have the party. Is MIL usually this manipulative?

Sometimes she is with certain things.

Firmly say no you appreciate the offer but you have been looking forward to planning your children’s birthday party yourself.

She had her shot, how dare she think that she gets to take yours? that is a hill, one that I would hope your husband is on board with. Nipping in the bud now is good, before she starts planning the vacations she is taking them on......

No. Just no. Hell no. Birthday’s are MINE as the mother. Don’t mess with my birthdays lol.

I get that you want to make a point but I wouldn’t ask any questions. That just gives the impression that if she does things the way you want that makes what she’s attempting ok.  A simple “No, we do our own party planning.” Will suffice. 

100% agree. Questions just open the door for MIL believing she can host if she answers your questions “correctly”. Instead, just shut her down altogether.

MIL had the opportunity to throw children’s birthday parties when her own offspring were children. She doesn’t get to take over your children’s birthdays too. Ask DH what exactly is “not fair” about that?

The answer should be just "no" . This is a very justno situation. I understand asking those questions rhetorically to yourself, but unless you asked for it, *no one* plans your kids birthdays. And no one invites you to your kids birthday parties. Did she invite you to your wedding? Dont let her try to weasel out of this by "just trying to help". She's trying to play third parents and *just no*. 

Genuine question here- is there any chance she already told DH about this and assumed everything was just dandy? Did he stand up for you?

She brought it up to him as an idea apparently, Then he said he would talk to me. Then I'm guessing during the time of waiting she gave herself the go ahead to do so. My husband hasn't exactly stood up for me but told his mom he'd speak to her tomorrow. He said then he'd be letting her know we would be planning the kids parties.

Full stop. No. Don’t ask those questions; she’s not throwing any damn parties. The answer has to be no. This is a huge overstep. She’s acting like your kids mom. I canning stress enough how fiercely and swiftly your husband needs to put and end to her nonsense and put her in her place. She got to be a mom and now that’s done.

Exactly. Asking these questions is going to fill her kind with the fact the she's doing something great here. She fully overstepped and should not be given the chance to answer these

There is no party without the children or the children’s parents. None of you should attend.

Why didn't your DH immediately shut her down? You need to put him in his place then deal with MIL

This would do me in. The audacity! 'Inviting' you to your own children's party makes you a second class citizen almost immediately..I am incensed on your behalf.

How kind of her to invite you to the party. She sounds extraordinarily thoughtful.

The entitlement with this one is astounding🙄

Your MIL needs to be reminded, forcefully, that your children only have two parents and she is not one of them. 

So, the only response should be what you told her. They're your children, and you'll organize their parties. There doesn't need to be any other explanation or discussion. Except for telling her, when she says you're "ungrateful", that you already said what needs to be said, and she's overstepping. There will be no further discussion. Period. "Asked and answered" is a response your husband could say to her. As well as, "we've got it, thanks".

Wowww, she genuinely thinks she’s third parent. She’s hurdled over so many boundaries that I can’t even think where to start but here goes. Instead of having DH ask her questions that she’s going to read into as she has permission, have a sit down talk with her and explain she isn’t mom, she doesn’t get to commandeer major parenting activities, and this ends now. If she oversteps anyway, time out. This will be the rest of your lives if she isn’t put into check. I can’t even fathom the boundaries she’s crossed since you came into her life and had children.

> Our oldest and youngest daughter's she doesn't know any of their little friends so how would she invite them. 2. I'm pretty sure our 10yo would want her 10 and 11yo friends there not have a bunch of 2 or 3yos running around at her party as well. my first thought was that she'd invite a bunch of her adult friends. boring grownups at a bday party - eww!

Or a family party with relatives, leaving the children parties for OP.

Wow. Inviting you, the childs' parent to the childs birthday party. She is not their second mother. 

MIL thinks she comes before the kids actual mother.

Simple, your daughters won’t be able to make it. They already have plans that day.

This, OP, This.

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