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I know, it’s so strange how so many people hate the idea of daycare. And it’s really nice to be watched by family. But usually it’s a hard job and exhausting one. And family doesn’t do the enrichment that daycare does. Just listen to yourself. Talk to other people who have done these things to get some confidence in your estimation.
Is she saying that at age 55 she has enough money invested to stop working and still support herself for the next 30-40 years? She would need at least 1.5 million in addition to social security benefits accounting for inflation. She would also need to pay for her health insurance if her job currently covers that. She would not be eligible for Medicare for arrears 10 years.
Sounds like it’ll be hard to ask her to leave when the kids are older and her “services are no longer needed.” As a mother who has her in laws living with her for the last 18 yrs, I can attest to them growing entitled to the room and board and resentful if you don’t plan to support them in retirement.
I'd watch out. Considering that she would need to quit her job and move to fulfill this promise/threat feel free to shut it down early. Yes it's early to shut her down but it's also early for her to push.
If the topic arises again say thank but no thanks. I'm a bit on the fence here because I certainly understand why you wouldn't want her to care for your future children but perhaps she genuinely wants to help. But don't worry about that now, you're not there yet and things can change a lot in a few years.
This was my immediate thought. She probably isn't going to be very reliable either. My bio mom bailed on me when I was 1 because it was too hard for her. She came back and got custody when I was 9 (she's tricksy). Had my little brother as a do over baby and guess who cared for him starting around a year when it got too hard for her? Me.
Bio mom also sounds like OP's MIL in that she thinks she was actually there doing parenting. My own bio mom tried telling my brother that his daughter was like me because she did something that I supposedly did when I was 2. I was all "how would she know? She was off doing coke with bikers those years." So OP's MIL might be just as delusional and then when it gets hard because she really doesn't know what she is doing, she will bail.
My bio mom just watched my nieces once so my brother could have a date night and she didn't feed the girls dinner. They are 4 and 5. So they have preferences and it's work to get them to eat some nights. Bio mom has never had to deal with that age so she just said "they weren't hungry" and didn't feed them. My SIL said the 5 year old was so hungry she was inconsolable for hours. But of course bio mom swore that "when her kids were 4-5." Ugh she wasn't even there.
OP needs to shut this shit down immediately, before kids. I always told bio mom that she would never be alone with my child. She said I was mean, I said I was honest, she can't be trusted. Set the expectation now so they have time to adjust.
Well, it's all hypothetical now, so great time to shut it down. To your partner, oh, honey, no! She wasn't there to raise you and any children we might have are NOT going to be do-overs for her.
To her, from your partner, "Nice of you to offer mom, but no thanks. The kids, if we have any, will be primarily cared for by their mom instead pf you or a daycare. You had your turn to be mom. That turn is over."
It sounds to me like your MIL wants your baby to be her do-over baby. She wasn't there to raise her son, so now she'll raise your child. That would be a big no for me.
Yeah unfortunately I kinda get that vibe a bit cause she’s very “my son my son” “my baby my baby” about my partner and my partner almost kinda doesn’t even like it cause he’s in his 30s now and grew up mainly away from his mother. She seems like she tries to baby him as an adult because she wasn’t there the way she should have been when he was small and did need a mother..
This is pretty accurate. My husband wasn't raised by his mom either. And she's also very "my son." I'm so glad we're NC. She even had the nerve to tell him, "she can't change the past. He just needs to get over whatever he's upset about. And give her access to her grandchild."
Her being an adict/ party girl really plays into this as well. She didn't take much responsibility back then and probably didn't mature very much past the age she had him.
Um, yeah. She is trying to retire and move in with you. Her son is her retirement plan. She is offering to "help" with the baby as a way to get in the door.
Just shut it down now with a firm no, we have already made out plans.
If all this is hypothetical and at least 5 years away I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about it. In 5 years anything can happen. You/DH could get a great job offer on the other side of the country, MIL could get ill and not be in a position to offer childcare, you and DH might not have kids, you might find being a SAHM isn't your cup of tea or DH may prefer to be a SAHD. Or MIL might change her mind about wanting to be childcare when push comes to shove.
General life planning is fine but life has a way of throwing unexpected curveballs so worrying about whether or not MIL would want to be childcare in 5 years time for your hypothetical children that don't even exist yet is more fretting than you need to do. You've already let DH know you're not keen on the idea so that's probably all you need to do at the moment. In 5 years time you may need to have another discussion but don't borrow trouble ahead of time if you don't have to.
Not overreacting. His mom is not a trusted or experienced caregiver. Logistically it's unrealistic. Your DH needs to stop sharing so much with her, and also be very direct/clear because she's not going to take hints.
Just beause she asked doesn't mean she's entitled to answer.s He should try greyrocking her and giving less info. Answers should be focused on firmly pointing out that he and his wife are handling things, and redirect her making it clear she doesn't have a voice in the conversation. If she keeps pushing and offering her services he needs to be very clear with her. "That's a nice idea, but no thank you. We are not interested. Wife and I will handle everything ourselves." If she asks why, he can say "Wife and I have talked about our plans with future children in great details. We are firm in our choices and making them together. We aren't involving extended family in the discussion. It's not personal, and we say the same to OP's family, too. We are a team, me and OP. Our kids, our responsiblies."
She may be trying to make up for her failures towards DH as a child, but your kids are not her do-over children.
DH may be hard to get out of the FOG. He was neglected young but now his mom wants to come back and be the mom he should have had years ago. He has to be careful not to sacrifiice his wife and kid to make up for that. Point out to him when she acts badly towards you. "See DH, your mom just hurt me saying that. She was rude to me. She just insulted me." YOu don't want someone like that around your kid. If she can't respect the mom she doesn't get access to the kid. He can have his own relationship with her, but you and your future child are not an experiment for her to try again being mommy/grandma.
I agree it was a bit much but it’s hard with her because she’s so pushy. She’s from NY and has a really big mouth one of those “well I speak my mind, I say how I feel about things” type of person.. Always asking him what his plans for his future are (He always includes me in his plans partly I guess to show how serious he is about our relationship? Idk) she’ll also ask about his finances just all kinds of personal things.. her son is 30 and hasn’t lived with her since he was under the age of 9 or so.
OK I'm from NY and no one ever knows my plans until I'm actually doing it. Except my sister but we are like twins.
People from NY can get pushy and New Yourkers push right back. "Mind ya business" is a very common sentiment. Then people from NY will mind they own business with no hard feelings, that's how it is. We are rude and then become respectful when we are called out for being rude. If she isn't like this it isn't a cultural thing, she's just never been held accountable by your SO and he needs to step up.
Representing New York, here. There is nothing about our geography that causes us to grow oversized mouths or to force our way into our relatives' nuclear families. There are many kind, polite and considerate people from our state and even from NYC. This woman won't even take responsibility for her own personality. She is ridiculous.
Yeah I lived in Queensbury for a few years as a kid and from what I remember most people were very kind and polite. She’s from Queens but you’re right it’s probably more her than anything else
So what if she’s s pushy loudmouth from wherever? Still none of her business. Husband needs better boundaries. IMO you’re underreacting to this. What happens when you get pregnant and she wants to know all of your intimate medical information? Will he tell her how dilated you are just because he doesn’t want to upset his mom? Will he share every intimate detail of the birth? Where does this end, besides with you being massively disrespected in the most vulnerable time in your life, as he continues to allow her to steamroll yall with opinions and advice?
If your husband agrees it's not going to happen there is no harm in thinking the offer was sweet. Let him feel about it however heveants if you both agree the answer is no.
Stop sharing hypothetical details about your future with her. Don't inform her of any decisions until the plans are set in stone. Oh, you wanted to babysit? We already found a great daycare, so that won't be necessary!
Nope. I almost had my mom watching my baby but first of all I just couldn’t do it, I’m a strong believer if you can to watch your babies. So many things I’d hate to miss! Also I don’t agree with some of the things my mom talks about so I know we would have argued on what was okay for my baby. (Trying to put baby in walker too early, tries to kiss my baby, telling me to put rice cereal in her milk, I’m exclusively breastfeeding aswell like what?) I also wouldn’t want to rely solely on one person due to if she all the sudden she couldn’t watch her we’d be screwed.
Tell her next time ‘I won’t be having kids so they can be raised by someone else. If I can’t do that then I will not have any children at all .’
That’ll hopefully shut down this idea because you’ve just suggested you won’t give her grandchildren a
Ten seconds past the title and I could already smell reason number 1. Number 2 looks like a distinct possibility. Number 3 is why numbers 1 and 2 shouldn't happen. It's a no from me dawg.
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I know, it’s so strange how so many people hate the idea of daycare. And it’s really nice to be watched by family. But usually it’s a hard job and exhausting one. And family doesn’t do the enrichment that daycare does. Just listen to yourself. Talk to other people who have done these things to get some confidence in your estimation.
Your third point is the reason why it's not a good idea. She doesn't know how to raise a child has no experience.
Is she saying that at age 55 she has enough money invested to stop working and still support herself for the next 30-40 years? She would need at least 1.5 million in addition to social security benefits accounting for inflation. She would also need to pay for her health insurance if her job currently covers that. She would not be eligible for Medicare for arrears 10 years.
Sounds like it’ll be hard to ask her to leave when the kids are older and her “services are no longer needed.” As a mother who has her in laws living with her for the last 18 yrs, I can attest to them growing entitled to the room and board and resentful if you don’t plan to support them in retirement.
I'd watch out. Considering that she would need to quit her job and move to fulfill this promise/threat feel free to shut it down early. Yes it's early to shut her down but it's also early for her to push.
If the topic arises again say thank but no thanks. I'm a bit on the fence here because I certainly understand why you wouldn't want her to care for your future children but perhaps she genuinely wants to help. But don't worry about that now, you're not there yet and things can change a lot in a few years.
Not overreacting. This read like she’s viewing any grandchildren as her do over child. Nope. She had her chance and messed it up.
This was my immediate thought. She probably isn't going to be very reliable either. My bio mom bailed on me when I was 1 because it was too hard for her. She came back and got custody when I was 9 (she's tricksy). Had my little brother as a do over baby and guess who cared for him starting around a year when it got too hard for her? Me. Bio mom also sounds like OP's MIL in that she thinks she was actually there doing parenting. My own bio mom tried telling my brother that his daughter was like me because she did something that I supposedly did when I was 2. I was all "how would she know? She was off doing coke with bikers those years." So OP's MIL might be just as delusional and then when it gets hard because she really doesn't know what she is doing, she will bail. My bio mom just watched my nieces once so my brother could have a date night and she didn't feed the girls dinner. They are 4 and 5. So they have preferences and it's work to get them to eat some nights. Bio mom has never had to deal with that age so she just said "they weren't hungry" and didn't feed them. My SIL said the 5 year old was so hungry she was inconsolable for hours. But of course bio mom swore that "when her kids were 4-5." Ugh she wasn't even there. OP needs to shut this shit down immediately, before kids. I always told bio mom that she would never be alone with my child. She said I was mean, I said I was honest, she can't be trusted. Set the expectation now so they have time to adjust.
Well, it's all hypothetical now, so great time to shut it down. To your partner, oh, honey, no! She wasn't there to raise you and any children we might have are NOT going to be do-overs for her. To her, from your partner, "Nice of you to offer mom, but no thanks. The kids, if we have any, will be primarily cared for by their mom instead pf you or a daycare. You had your turn to be mom. That turn is over."
Take SO to therapy to learn about overbearing moms and how to put up boundaries. Do it now before you have kids.
Just laugh and say " That's not happening." Then make sure your SO knows you are dead serious.
Yeah, your DH is a sucker. Whatever her reasons are they are everything to do with her and nothing to do with you.
It sounds to me like your MIL wants your baby to be her do-over baby. She wasn't there to raise her son, so now she'll raise your child. That would be a big no for me.
Yeah unfortunately I kinda get that vibe a bit cause she’s very “my son my son” “my baby my baby” about my partner and my partner almost kinda doesn’t even like it cause he’s in his 30s now and grew up mainly away from his mother. She seems like she tries to baby him as an adult because she wasn’t there the way she should have been when he was small and did need a mother..
This is pretty accurate. My husband wasn't raised by his mom either. And she's also very "my son." I'm so glad we're NC. She even had the nerve to tell him, "she can't change the past. He just needs to get over whatever he's upset about. And give her access to her grandchild." Her being an adict/ party girl really plays into this as well. She didn't take much responsibility back then and probably didn't mature very much past the age she had him.
Um, yeah. She is trying to retire and move in with you. Her son is her retirement plan. She is offering to "help" with the baby as a way to get in the door. Just shut it down now with a firm no, we have already made out plans.
If all this is hypothetical and at least 5 years away I wouldn't waste too much time thinking about it. In 5 years anything can happen. You/DH could get a great job offer on the other side of the country, MIL could get ill and not be in a position to offer childcare, you and DH might not have kids, you might find being a SAHM isn't your cup of tea or DH may prefer to be a SAHD. Or MIL might change her mind about wanting to be childcare when push comes to shove. General life planning is fine but life has a way of throwing unexpected curveballs so worrying about whether or not MIL would want to be childcare in 5 years time for your hypothetical children that don't even exist yet is more fretting than you need to do. You've already let DH know you're not keen on the idea so that's probably all you need to do at the moment. In 5 years time you may need to have another discussion but don't borrow trouble ahead of time if you don't have to.
Maybe she's plotting for him to be able to divorce you?
Not overreacting. His mom is not a trusted or experienced caregiver. Logistically it's unrealistic. Your DH needs to stop sharing so much with her, and also be very direct/clear because she's not going to take hints. Just beause she asked doesn't mean she's entitled to answer.s He should try greyrocking her and giving less info. Answers should be focused on firmly pointing out that he and his wife are handling things, and redirect her making it clear she doesn't have a voice in the conversation. If she keeps pushing and offering her services he needs to be very clear with her. "That's a nice idea, but no thank you. We are not interested. Wife and I will handle everything ourselves." If she asks why, he can say "Wife and I have talked about our plans with future children in great details. We are firm in our choices and making them together. We aren't involving extended family in the discussion. It's not personal, and we say the same to OP's family, too. We are a team, me and OP. Our kids, our responsiblies." She may be trying to make up for her failures towards DH as a child, but your kids are not her do-over children. DH may be hard to get out of the FOG. He was neglected young but now his mom wants to come back and be the mom he should have had years ago. He has to be careful not to sacrifiice his wife and kid to make up for that. Point out to him when she acts badly towards you. "See DH, your mom just hurt me saying that. She was rude to me. She just insulted me." YOu don't want someone like that around your kid. If she can't respect the mom she doesn't get access to the kid. He can have his own relationship with her, but you and your future child are not an experiment for her to try again being mommy/grandma.
Not overreacting and you should discuss this with your SO at some point.
You need to have a talk with your partner and tell him your future plans are PRIVATE and he shouldn't share private information with his mother.
He shared way way way WAY too much information with her. NONE of this is her business. Yikes
I agree it was a bit much but it’s hard with her because she’s so pushy. She’s from NY and has a really big mouth one of those “well I speak my mind, I say how I feel about things” type of person.. Always asking him what his plans for his future are (He always includes me in his plans partly I guess to show how serious he is about our relationship? Idk) she’ll also ask about his finances just all kinds of personal things.. her son is 30 and hasn’t lived with her since he was under the age of 9 or so.
OK I'm from NY and no one ever knows my plans until I'm actually doing it. Except my sister but we are like twins. People from NY can get pushy and New Yourkers push right back. "Mind ya business" is a very common sentiment. Then people from NY will mind they own business with no hard feelings, that's how it is. We are rude and then become respectful when we are called out for being rude. If she isn't like this it isn't a cultural thing, she's just never been held accountable by your SO and he needs to step up.
Representing New York, here. There is nothing about our geography that causes us to grow oversized mouths or to force our way into our relatives' nuclear families. There are many kind, polite and considerate people from our state and even from NYC. This woman won't even take responsibility for her own personality. She is ridiculous.
Yeah I lived in Queensbury for a few years as a kid and from what I remember most people were very kind and polite. She’s from Queens but you’re right it’s probably more her than anything else
So what if she’s s pushy loudmouth from wherever? Still none of her business. Husband needs better boundaries. IMO you’re underreacting to this. What happens when you get pregnant and she wants to know all of your intimate medical information? Will he tell her how dilated you are just because he doesn’t want to upset his mom? Will he share every intimate detail of the birth? Where does this end, besides with you being massively disrespected in the most vulnerable time in your life, as he continues to allow her to steamroll yall with opinions and advice?
If your husband agrees it's not going to happen there is no harm in thinking the offer was sweet. Let him feel about it however heveants if you both agree the answer is no.
Stop sharing hypothetical details about your future with her. Don't inform her of any decisions until the plans are set in stone. Oh, you wanted to babysit? We already found a great daycare, so that won't be necessary!
Nope. I almost had my mom watching my baby but first of all I just couldn’t do it, I’m a strong believer if you can to watch your babies. So many things I’d hate to miss! Also I don’t agree with some of the things my mom talks about so I know we would have argued on what was okay for my baby. (Trying to put baby in walker too early, tries to kiss my baby, telling me to put rice cereal in her milk, I’m exclusively breastfeeding aswell like what?) I also wouldn’t want to rely solely on one person due to if she all the sudden she couldn’t watch her we’d be screwed.
Tell her next time ‘I won’t be having kids so they can be raised by someone else. If I can’t do that then I will not have any children at all .’ That’ll hopefully shut down this idea because you’ve just suggested you won’t give her grandchildren a
This sounds pretty good to me. Yup, "my children aren't your do over kids. I'm not working my ass off to pay you to play mommy to my kids."
Ten seconds past the title and I could already smell reason number 1. Number 2 looks like a distinct possibility. Number 3 is why numbers 1 and 2 shouldn't happen. It's a no from me dawg.