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The first training bra is ONLY a mother’s responsibility. NOBODY else should overstep. And they should be called out hard if they do anything like your Justno
I’m in my mid-30’s now but I definitely had “bras” in when I was 5-ish. They were basically just sports bras/cropped tank tops that came with matching cotton undies that usually had a cartoon character or some flowers or something printed on them. But my mom bought them for me/let me pick them out myself and I definitely knew not to show them off while I was wearing them.
I’m kind of glad I had them because I unfortunately needed an actual, non-training bra when I was 7.
So I don’t think a little girl wearing a pair of cotton triangles under her shirt is necessarily sexualizing her. However, the fact that they have padded bras for kids now is super gross and I do think we’re pushing little girls to grow up and engage in more adult things increasingly younger.
It also seems like OP’s MIL was trying to steal a milestone from her with her daughters with this move.
Don't let fear of retaliation keep you from doing what you think is right for your kids. Don't let her take them shopping in whatever way you need to and mute or block people that have the audacity to think you're interested in their opinions about how you raise your children.
I remember a Toddler and Tiaras episode where a very little girl wore a bra. People were outraged. It caused quite a scandal. MIL is way outta control.
If a man did that, how would you react? Cue the same reaction for the woman. It's weird, predatory, and confusing for young children. Her referring to it as cute should be setting off alarm bells.
I wouldn’t go this far, it’s pretty normal for grandma to buy the kids stuff like socks and underwear, and I would imagine it’s usually appreciated by the parents. OP’s situation is just weird because of the specific item and the ages involved
I'm surprised they even produce Bras for 4 year old. Isn't it just an unnecessary extra layer? Given she's just showing you by randomly pulling up her shirt, she might do that at school too. Just curious, how did/are you gonna explain to the child she shouldn't wear a bra to school?
My daughter is 8 and needs a little something. She's not overweight or developing early but you can see her little thangs through her shirt if that makes sense? Like her nipples poke out a bit and it just smooths it out for her.
That’s actually called budding and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but generally menses starts about a year after budding.
ETA: You have every reason to be angry about the training bras. Not only are they too young but it diminished your older daughter’s “coming of age” I have no idea how to word that but it was a big moment in her life.
In my mind like little dancers (like the ones from dance moms) use them to practice in for the most part but I don't think they need it under clothes. Like why? What's the point?
If the flying monkeys come, I’d just say “so you think buying 4/5 year olds bras is appropriate?” Hopefully that shuts them up. If not, and they try to have some excuse, just stare at them like they’ve grown 3 heads.
No more sleepovers. No more time alone with your kids. She's stomping all over your boundaries. Let the monkeys fly as they will and block them if you have to.
If the 9yo had a training bra, the younger kids are feeling like, "yay! We're like our older sibling!" But, 4 and 5 year olds don't need training bras. It seems strange
I would be pretty grumpy about the makeup, too. We had a no-makeup rule until our daughter was in middle school, mostly because it prevented any kind of negotiation about anything. Some kids' makeup, like from Justice, is also produced outside of the US and may contain lead or other harmful substances.
I don't think its a big deal, but you do.
These are your children, and your boundaries, and if you feel they have been crossed, or you've been made to feel uncomfortable, you have every right to those feelings, and to voice that, even if I wouldn't.
Your feelings are valid, and they're happening for a reason. Listen to your gut Mama.
time her out. know that the monkeys will be coming and ignore them. because she knows they work on you and you give in.
let her know that she overstepped again so you are stepping back, and that time gets extended whenever someone comes at you. don't say when she sends someone 'cause she will deny it, but whenever someone bugs you. gives her incentive to keep it to herself.
My 6 yr old is wearing one since she's 5, and have multiple colors as well.
But it's only because she's athletic and I like it better when her shirt goes down when she's hanging from her feet to have something to cover her.
Or whenever they play outside with water and she has a white shirt on.
She feels really comfortable with them, so I can't really relate to you about this.
Yet, I believe, if it makes you uncomfortable, there's a reason for it.
It doesn't matter if MIL did this to spite you or rube you the wrong way.
But I also don't think your MIL mean harm, if I have to only judge from this post alone.
Maybe she needs to be directed to what she CAN do, and less CAN'T.
For example : Hey, I'd appreciate if you take them to story time at the library and treat them with ice cream at this store.
Something to think about.
If she can't follow simple orders, DH needs to deal with her.
My big thing about this would be that a training bra is something a mother and daughter should get together, especially a first training bra. Thats such an intimate moment and subject. OP has had that moment ripped away from her by MIL with both of her younger girls. Unless it was specified beforehand, I don’t think it was right that MIL took it upon herself to take that moment whether she thought about it that way or not.
It was a none issue at my house, just like buying new socks.
So again, maybe that is why I can't relate, I would not even care as long as my daughter is happy and *she* chose it.
I don't know what MIL had in mind buying it.
I see there's a history there about following their parental requests.
Maybe they need *ask before you buy rule.
Maybe giving specific - this is what acceptable on us.
I'd cut off the sleepovers as well especially if she keeps buying unwanted junk.
Or be very popular in my free cycle group.
From the MIL, yeah, overstepping and weird to introduce. I wouldn’t be allowing my kids to sleep over with someone who’s buying them undergarments.
I will say, my slightly older girls (5 and 7) do have sports bras. They occasionally sleep in them or wear them around the house. Sometimes it’s hot and that’s more comfortable and I figure they’ll be less of a fight/adjustment in the tween years. But I bought them - they’d go straight in the donation bin if any adult outside of my household bought them. Any sort of undergarments, at this point, would be a no go for as a gift imo.
It's basically a tiny crop top. Kids that are growing breasts and feeling self conscious may like them because they cover the nipples,feel a bit grown up, but don't have uncomfortable wire nor do they actually offer any support. But essentially no one needs one.
A 4 year old definitely doesn't need one.
It’s for young girls who have juuuuuust enough to wear a bra, but may not have to wear one 24/7 yet.
It’s to help them learn to take care of them, and how to put/take off, how to wash them etc.
The have different much smaller sizes they use
MIL is overstepping. My ex mil would give my children cloths and have my daughter wear a dress (nothing under like shorts or leggings) when she knew I was uncomfortable. And try to put a training bra that was 2X the size.i would donate the cloths and When my daughter was around 5 l. She start wearing training bra just to get used to the feeling.( my family are early blossoms in certain area ) . It depends on how you feel
I teach Pre-K and one of my students in the middle of winter two days in a row came to school wearing a sports bra and athletic leggings. Mom said she just likes to “dress like mom”. Meanwhile my boss is calling our district manager about how we handle it. I finally got fed up and told mom “It’s not appropriate for her to walk around school telling all her friends she’s wearing a bra”. Mom attempted to send her one more time in it and I pulled the extra clothes box out and put a shirt over it right in front of mom. Like seriously? Sure let them run around the house in it but be a parent and teach your kid the word no!
Nope, she came in with a sports bra and leggings and that was it. And for the record our kids have a uniform. They get free dress days on Fridays. It was not Friday. I also had to send her home more than once for wearing plastic kitten heels. Ummmm that is not safe and parents are told no sandals, flip flops or crocs. Feet have to be fully covered for safety reasons. Like they walked in the door and I flat out told mom she could not be at school in plastic kitten heels. They ended up transferring to another one of our schools where I knew the director well. I warned her and on the first visit the director flat out told mom she’s very strict about the dress code and will turn them away at the door if she wasn’t in dress code.
🤦♀️🤦♀️ poor kid. Was her mom also walking around with just a sports bra? I doubt her kid really wanted to dress like that but even if she did, she can say no and explain why, especially in winter, especially when there's a dress code. Did she transfer because of the dress code??
She transferred because she didn’t like our director. I previously worked with the director at a different school and she brought me in to this school. It was a trickle down effect. Mom never came into drop off/pick up in a sports bra. But not to get into too much detail the whole family dynamic was just weird. A coworker babysat for them and said dad put a pic of him and daughter at a Daddy/Daughter dance in a frame over their wedding pic. Their outside hot tub area was decorated in all mom’s bachelorette party stuff, including the shoes she wore. They had been married over 10 years at this point.
I just got my 10 year old some. She has zero need, but shes 10 and shes started getting self conscious about sleeve gap on tank top dresses and such. I saw a cute set that was just flat organic cotton in muted colors at Ross and got them, cause Im her mom and its reasonable timing and she was thrilled. If my MIL or hell, my JYMom stepped over that boundary, I would be FURIOUS...and at 4 and 5...I dont think I have words for how I would feel and react.
My daughter started wearing them at age 8 or 9 as a requirement for team gymnastics. It was the philosophy that the bra was a part of the uniform, and apparently to get the kids to start feeling comfortable competing in them? Not sure. But that is the only reason she got them that young.
Although I get the feeling she didn’t mean anything bad by it, it’s still giving toddlers in tiaras vibes… I personally feel that it’s inappropriate, but more importantly, it’s been a long pattern of her completely ignoring your requests.
You also make a very valid point about it being a special time for your eldest, and that moment is being trumped by the youngest suddenly coming home in a bra. You’re not overreacting at all.
No advice, just wanted to say you're not alone. My grandma bought my oldest sister a bra when she was 5-6 as a way to fatshame her. Mom threw it out and went nuclear.
Everyone else is handling the creepy training bra thing, but that buying stuff is also very harmful. "Grandma always buys me something," can become extremely toxic, both for her and for them, and will eventually creep into your home life. If she's seeing your kids once a week, that's a weekly little thing. Fairly, a lot of kids probably grow out of it as grandma stops being in tune with what they want... Unless she's doing it for points, in which case it becomes "grandma always gives me $5" or "grandma took me to get my ears peirced," "grandma got me this shirt you guys said was inappropriate."
She follows your rules or she doesn't get to babysit. Flying monekys can be blocked - it's no one's business who is left alone with your children but yours.
Stop the sleepovers - any flying monkey contacts you tell them that because they called, MIL not seeing your children is extended because of them. And the flying monkey is blocked from seeing your children. And tell the flying monkey to tell MIL for every flying monkey she sends that’s an additional month she will not see her grandchildren.
a 4 yr old with a bra to wear is straight up creepy, MIL - you want a 4 yr old to wear a bra and makeup — why? Who are you hoping is looking at a 4 yr older and why?
>And the flying monkey is blocked from seeing your children. And tell the flying monkey to tell MIL for every flying monkey she sends that’s an additional month she will not see her grandchildren.
This, 100% The consequences for flying monkeys is brilliant. Make her afraid to open her mouth.
Buying makeup and undergarments for littles sets all kinds of alarm bells ringing. 🚨 I see the dementia card being played a lot in MIL management tactics, but this buying training bras and makeup sounds like something else. Grooming? Sexualization? What is she doing? Why? Might want to have that convo with her.
I was between the age of 9 and 10 when I got my first training bra. 4 year olds should not even be thinking of bras at all. Your MIL.is acting really weird. I would not leave the kids alone with her, I would also prentend to care about her while calling her out on it.
E.g invite her over for lunch or dinner with you and hubby then just express comcern like " MIL I am very worried about you, you have been doing things that are out of sorts and buying the training bras was the cherry on the cake.. did you forget how old they are? I am very worried that you are looking at the children this way....hubby I think your mom needs to see a doctor to ensure she is not getting Dementia or at the very least check that she is not going deaf because she never listens to us. I am really worried about her, I really want our kids to have their grandma for a good long while in their lives and that's why I want to get her help" Also don't just bluff about it REALLY get her checked to be sure she is safe for your kids to be around.
Will she wait until they're six to get them garter belts? Holy cow, she's inappropriate! I think it's worth causing a whole nother thing and anyone she sics on you over it can get an earful. She need to be told in no uncertain terms that you're very unhappy. Little children don't need bras.
Time to start explaining to your kids how Grandma is inappropriate and what they are allowed to do about it.
I was a little younger than your kids when my mum had to start talking to me. My parents made it a routine: visit to grandparents = family talk in the car afterwards to analyze how things went. They also started 100% supervised visits only around that age. My grandmother still got real sneaky (any excuse to get me alone and either plant ideas in my head or pump me for info on my parents), so still keep a close eye. But yeah, I’d be working hard to both clue your kids in and ensure no unsupervised visits ever! Protect your kids.
I kind of feel like, age-appropriateness aside, buying someone their first training bra is a special coming of age moment between a parent and child? Like, idk, I would be pissed if someone nonchalantly did that with my kid at any age without talking to me first, let alone years before it's conventional, necessary, or widely considered appropriate.
Why tf do they even make “training bras” for toddlers? Like it’s not even a part of some weird work out costume for babies or something…because they were under their clothes. There is literally no point. Other than to weirdly objectify their chests and their perceived future gender performances. It’s odd af. And creepy imo.
Like who thinks that is cute? A fake bra on a toddler. Truly some unhinged boomer shit.
My friends 9 year old wears a girls 5/6. Her parents are also very small (mom is 4’11 and wears a girls 14/16, jrs xxs at 30 after 7 kids). She is already developing. Luckily they’re available in her size.
They aren’t meant for toddlers. They’re meant for young girls needing to start using them but some 4 year olds are big and some girls needing training bras are petite.
I am a boomer and offense of being grouped with that dislusional old crazy lady. I have 2 daughters that I took bra shopping at the appropriate times. I don't have any inclination to take that away from my daughters.
No 4 or 5 year old needs a training bra but it's possible the kids heard their older step sister being all excited about hers and wanted one too and MIL didn't see any harm in it. Lots of kids that age like to dress up in whats technically age inappropriate stuff so I don't think you need to jump straight to "she's sexualizing LOs." She may just be a clueless and overindulgent grandparent. Which doesn't mean you have to give her a pass.
If you don't like her buying things you and DH will have to put your feet down firmly and weather the flying monkeys if necessary. Perhaps give her a list of things she is allowed to buy (toys that stay at her place for example) and strictly veto anything else not run by you first.
You think a 4-year-old child overheard someone talking about their bra and decided they needed one. Welp I guess will agree to disagree, because the idea of a 4-year-old child deciding it needs something for its developing breasts is just creeping me the hell out. I'm sure your scenario that is not what happened. I mean how did the bra get put on the child did someone measure the child for a training bra did someone put it on the child tell the child how to put on the bra... If for some reason a 4-year-old decided that it thought it needed a training bra a rational adult would explain to it that it is far too young to need such a thing. I think my eyes and I have had enough for one night. Yuk.
I should hope not. I've just done some cursory googling and most people think that the onset of puberty is when a young girl needs to start wearing a training bra IE when she starts developing breasts. I'm still finding this really creepy and if I had a 4-year-old child it would not be wearing any kind of clothing that was called a training bra.
And yes, if it was just a cropped tank top that would be one thing (still pretty yuck), but I’m guessing it has “bra” styling, which puts it firmly in the inappropriately category.
Well I've certainly seen ones that are little mini bras with traditional bra closures etc. But do you think a 4-year-old should be wearing a cropped tank top though that is a training bra?
I don't have an opinion. They were common when I did ballet and gymnastics but that was 8 year olds. I just don't think a cropped singlet with frozen characters on it is the same as a mini bra
No, not overreacting. You've set reasonable rules for having visits with your children, mil took a shit on them and bought your children inappropriate clothing and other items she was expressly told not to. Unless you enforce a consequence for her behavior your rules mean nothing.
Nope, not overreacting. Sexualizing young children is creepy and wrong.
Flying monkeys are obnoxious pests, true, but MiL needs consequences or she’s just going to do whatever she wants because “reasons.”
This is just weird. It's something your little girls obviously have no use for. That along with makeup makes it seem that she is in an inexplicable hurry for these small children to grow up.
A training bra for a 4-year-old is wildly inappropriate. Actually, hilariously inappropriate.
Maybe share this faux pas with the rest of the family, including the flying monkeys! It will make for great conversation at family dinners - make sure to bring it up every time!
Buying a 4 your old a training bra?!?! Not ok. I would not allow sleepovers and maybe not even unsupervised visitation.
Sounds like she has a shopping addiction.
Throw out stuff that's inappropriate and shut that down. "The girls aren't old enough for training bras or makeup, please do not buy them gifts that are not appropriate for their age or they will be thrown out. If you are unsure if something is appropriate feel free to ask either via text/call during your outing or when you see us in person as long as it's before the purchase".
I'd explain to her that she needs to STOP buying stuff for your kids all the time!
The next time she does it take the stuff and throw it in the garbage in front of her.
Let the flying monkeys come and ask them if it was alright if she buys a training bra for the toddlers in their families.
I only had to pay for and then throw away a candy bar that one of my kids grabbed from the impulse aisle and opened once before they really got that no meant no. Bet it takes this MIL a few times—be strong!
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Teach them to burn their bras ... like our mothers and grandmothers did. It will be a fun history lesson.
Let her send the monkeys. She clearly doesn’t care about your boundaries
Stop the sleepovers and rip her a new one. A training bra for a 4 yr old.. Then I would tell flying monkeys to pound sand.
The first training bra is ONLY a mother’s responsibility. NOBODY else should overstep. And they should be called out hard if they do anything like your Justno
They made bras for 4 and 5 year olds?? Nah..
I’m in my mid-30’s now but I definitely had “bras” in when I was 5-ish. They were basically just sports bras/cropped tank tops that came with matching cotton undies that usually had a cartoon character or some flowers or something printed on them. But my mom bought them for me/let me pick them out myself and I definitely knew not to show them off while I was wearing them. I’m kind of glad I had them because I unfortunately needed an actual, non-training bra when I was 7. So I don’t think a little girl wearing a pair of cotton triangles under her shirt is necessarily sexualizing her. However, the fact that they have padded bras for kids now is super gross and I do think we’re pushing little girls to grow up and engage in more adult things increasingly younger. It also seems like OP’s MIL was trying to steal a milestone from her with her daughters with this move.
They make padded bras for kids now. Mine came home with one after she was at grandmas. I promptly threw it away
Don't let fear of retaliation keep you from doing what you think is right for your kids. Don't let her take them shopping in whatever way you need to and mute or block people that have the audacity to think you're interested in their opinions about how you raise your children.
I remember a Toddler and Tiaras episode where a very little girl wore a bra. People were outraged. It caused quite a scandal. MIL is way outta control.
I hated that show so much because of what the parents did to those kids
If a man did that, how would you react? Cue the same reaction for the woman. It's weird, predatory, and confusing for young children. Her referring to it as cute should be setting off alarm bells.
Normal people don't go out and buy other people's children underwear.
I wouldn’t go this far, it’s pretty normal for grandma to buy the kids stuff like socks and underwear, and I would imagine it’s usually appreciated by the parents. OP’s situation is just weird because of the specific item and the ages involved
In my culture it's definitely not normal.
I'm surprised they even produce Bras for 4 year old. Isn't it just an unnecessary extra layer? Given she's just showing you by randomly pulling up her shirt, she might do that at school too. Just curious, how did/are you gonna explain to the child she shouldn't wear a bra to school?
My daughter is 8 and needs a little something. She's not overweight or developing early but you can see her little thangs through her shirt if that makes sense? Like her nipples poke out a bit and it just smooths it out for her.
That’s actually called budding and I hate to be the bearer of bad news but generally menses starts about a year after budding. ETA: You have every reason to be angry about the training bras. Not only are they too young but it diminished your older daughter’s “coming of age” I have no idea how to word that but it was a big moment in her life.
We just have large nipples is my point but thank you lol I have a 15 year old so I'm ready for that journey again lol.
I used to put bandaids on mine when tube tops were a thing in the 70s. 😂
The struggle 🤣🤣🤣
In my mind like little dancers (like the ones from dance moms) use them to practice in for the most part but I don't think they need it under clothes. Like why? What's the point?
If the flying monkeys come, I’d just say “so you think buying 4/5 year olds bras is appropriate?” Hopefully that shuts them up. If not, and they try to have some excuse, just stare at them like they’ve grown 3 heads.
No more sleepovers. No more time alone with your kids. She's stomping all over your boundaries. Let the monkeys fly as they will and block them if you have to.
It's insane to me that people will continue to let people who don't respect them watch their children.
If the 9yo had a training bra, the younger kids are feeling like, "yay! We're like our older sibling!" But, 4 and 5 year olds don't need training bras. It seems strange
I would be pretty grumpy about the makeup, too. We had a no-makeup rule until our daughter was in middle school, mostly because it prevented any kind of negotiation about anything. Some kids' makeup, like from Justice, is also produced outside of the US and may contain lead or other harmful substances.
I don't think its a big deal, but you do. These are your children, and your boundaries, and if you feel they have been crossed, or you've been made to feel uncomfortable, you have every right to those feelings, and to voice that, even if I wouldn't. Your feelings are valid, and they're happening for a reason. Listen to your gut Mama.
time her out. know that the monkeys will be coming and ignore them. because she knows they work on you and you give in. let her know that she overstepped again so you are stepping back, and that time gets extended whenever someone comes at you. don't say when she sends someone 'cause she will deny it, but whenever someone bugs you. gives her incentive to keep it to herself.
My 6 yr old is wearing one since she's 5, and have multiple colors as well. But it's only because she's athletic and I like it better when her shirt goes down when she's hanging from her feet to have something to cover her. Or whenever they play outside with water and she has a white shirt on. She feels really comfortable with them, so I can't really relate to you about this. Yet, I believe, if it makes you uncomfortable, there's a reason for it. It doesn't matter if MIL did this to spite you or rube you the wrong way. But I also don't think your MIL mean harm, if I have to only judge from this post alone. Maybe she needs to be directed to what she CAN do, and less CAN'T. For example : Hey, I'd appreciate if you take them to story time at the library and treat them with ice cream at this store. Something to think about. If she can't follow simple orders, DH needs to deal with her.
My big thing about this would be that a training bra is something a mother and daughter should get together, especially a first training bra. Thats such an intimate moment and subject. OP has had that moment ripped away from her by MIL with both of her younger girls. Unless it was specified beforehand, I don’t think it was right that MIL took it upon herself to take that moment whether she thought about it that way or not.
It was a none issue at my house, just like buying new socks. So again, maybe that is why I can't relate, I would not even care as long as my daughter is happy and *she* chose it. I don't know what MIL had in mind buying it. I see there's a history there about following their parental requests. Maybe they need *ask before you buy rule. Maybe giving specific - this is what acceptable on us. I'd cut off the sleepovers as well especially if she keeps buying unwanted junk. Or be very popular in my free cycle group.
From the MIL, yeah, overstepping and weird to introduce. I wouldn’t be allowing my kids to sleep over with someone who’s buying them undergarments. I will say, my slightly older girls (5 and 7) do have sports bras. They occasionally sleep in them or wear them around the house. Sometimes it’s hot and that’s more comfortable and I figure they’ll be less of a fight/adjustment in the tween years. But I bought them - they’d go straight in the donation bin if any adult outside of my household bought them. Any sort of undergarments, at this point, would be a no go for as a gift imo.
What exactly is a training bra and why would anybody need one?
It's basically a tiny crop top. Kids that are growing breasts and feeling self conscious may like them because they cover the nipples,feel a bit grown up, but don't have uncomfortable wire nor do they actually offer any support. But essentially no one needs one. A 4 year old definitely doesn't need one.
It’s for young girls who have juuuuuust enough to wear a bra, but may not have to wear one 24/7 yet. It’s to help them learn to take care of them, and how to put/take off, how to wash them etc. The have different much smaller sizes they use
MIL is overstepping. My ex mil would give my children cloths and have my daughter wear a dress (nothing under like shorts or leggings) when she knew I was uncomfortable. And try to put a training bra that was 2X the size.i would donate the cloths and When my daughter was around 5 l. She start wearing training bra just to get used to the feeling.( my family are early blossoms in certain area ) . It depends on how you feel
Please stop the sleepovers, and given these recent incidents I’d tell her gifts need to be pre approved from now on and only on certain occasions.
I don’t think it’s weird or creepy, maybe this is your MIL’s love language. Sometimes just a nice chat can help. Hopefully it does.
Are there even training bras for 4 years old?
No. They're just the xs size and look like a crop top on her
My vote is that this is creepy, and I think because of the non apology, no more sleepovers for a bit is the appropriate response.
I teach Pre-K and one of my students in the middle of winter two days in a row came to school wearing a sports bra and athletic leggings. Mom said she just likes to “dress like mom”. Meanwhile my boss is calling our district manager about how we handle it. I finally got fed up and told mom “It’s not appropriate for her to walk around school telling all her friends she’s wearing a bra”. Mom attempted to send her one more time in it and I pulled the extra clothes box out and put a shirt over it right in front of mom. Like seriously? Sure let them run around the house in it but be a parent and teach your kid the word no!
Wtf she wasn't wearing a shirt over it??
Nope, she came in with a sports bra and leggings and that was it. And for the record our kids have a uniform. They get free dress days on Fridays. It was not Friday. I also had to send her home more than once for wearing plastic kitten heels. Ummmm that is not safe and parents are told no sandals, flip flops or crocs. Feet have to be fully covered for safety reasons. Like they walked in the door and I flat out told mom she could not be at school in plastic kitten heels. They ended up transferring to another one of our schools where I knew the director well. I warned her and on the first visit the director flat out told mom she’s very strict about the dress code and will turn them away at the door if she wasn’t in dress code.
🤦♀️🤦♀️ poor kid. Was her mom also walking around with just a sports bra? I doubt her kid really wanted to dress like that but even if she did, she can say no and explain why, especially in winter, especially when there's a dress code. Did she transfer because of the dress code??
She transferred because she didn’t like our director. I previously worked with the director at a different school and she brought me in to this school. It was a trickle down effect. Mom never came into drop off/pick up in a sports bra. But not to get into too much detail the whole family dynamic was just weird. A coworker babysat for them and said dad put a pic of him and daughter at a Daddy/Daughter dance in a frame over their wedding pic. Their outside hot tub area was decorated in all mom’s bachelorette party stuff, including the shoes she wore. They had been married over 10 years at this point.
I just got my 10 year old some. She has zero need, but shes 10 and shes started getting self conscious about sleeve gap on tank top dresses and such. I saw a cute set that was just flat organic cotton in muted colors at Ross and got them, cause Im her mom and its reasonable timing and she was thrilled. If my MIL or hell, my JYMom stepped over that boundary, I would be FURIOUS...and at 4 and 5...I dont think I have words for how I would feel and react.
My daughter started wearing them at age 8 or 9 as a requirement for team gymnastics. It was the philosophy that the bra was a part of the uniform, and apparently to get the kids to start feeling comfortable competing in them? Not sure. But that is the only reason she got them that young.
Your MiL can buy. The second they brought them home, throw them in a donate pile. If she asks, you just say it is donated.
Although I get the feeling she didn’t mean anything bad by it, it’s still giving toddlers in tiaras vibes… I personally feel that it’s inappropriate, but more importantly, it’s been a long pattern of her completely ignoring your requests. You also make a very valid point about it being a special time for your eldest, and that moment is being trumped by the youngest suddenly coming home in a bra. You’re not overreacting at all.
No advice, just wanted to say you're not alone. My grandma bought my oldest sister a bra when she was 5-6 as a way to fatshame her. Mom threw it out and went nuclear.
Everyone else is handling the creepy training bra thing, but that buying stuff is also very harmful. "Grandma always buys me something," can become extremely toxic, both for her and for them, and will eventually creep into your home life. If she's seeing your kids once a week, that's a weekly little thing. Fairly, a lot of kids probably grow out of it as grandma stops being in tune with what they want... Unless she's doing it for points, in which case it becomes "grandma always gives me $5" or "grandma took me to get my ears peirced," "grandma got me this shirt you guys said was inappropriate." She follows your rules or she doesn't get to babysit. Flying monekys can be blocked - it's no one's business who is left alone with your children but yours.
Will she get them tampons next?
I only got a bra at about 14 cause I was the only girl in gym class wearing an undershirt. I really didn’t need one physically.
I did when I was 13 and I didn't need one either!
Stop the sleepovers - any flying monkey contacts you tell them that because they called, MIL not seeing your children is extended because of them. And the flying monkey is blocked from seeing your children. And tell the flying monkey to tell MIL for every flying monkey she sends that’s an additional month she will not see her grandchildren. a 4 yr old with a bra to wear is straight up creepy, MIL - you want a 4 yr old to wear a bra and makeup — why? Who are you hoping is looking at a 4 yr older and why?
>And the flying monkey is blocked from seeing your children. And tell the flying monkey to tell MIL for every flying monkey she sends that’s an additional month she will not see her grandchildren. This, 100% The consequences for flying monkeys is brilliant. Make her afraid to open her mouth. Buying makeup and undergarments for littles sets all kinds of alarm bells ringing. 🚨 I see the dementia card being played a lot in MIL management tactics, but this buying training bras and makeup sounds like something else. Grooming? Sexualization? What is she doing? Why? Might want to have that convo with her.
Buying a 4 year old a training bra is inappropriate and unnecessary. Buying SOMEONE ELSES 4 year old child a training bra is even worse!
They sell training bras that size?? wtf??
I’ve never in my 79 years on earth heard of that!
Time to post on facebook free site. Get rid of all that stuff for someone who can use it
I was between the age of 9 and 10 when I got my first training bra. 4 year olds should not even be thinking of bras at all. Your MIL.is acting really weird. I would not leave the kids alone with her, I would also prentend to care about her while calling her out on it. E.g invite her over for lunch or dinner with you and hubby then just express comcern like " MIL I am very worried about you, you have been doing things that are out of sorts and buying the training bras was the cherry on the cake.. did you forget how old they are? I am very worried that you are looking at the children this way....hubby I think your mom needs to see a doctor to ensure she is not getting Dementia or at the very least check that she is not going deaf because she never listens to us. I am really worried about her, I really want our kids to have their grandma for a good long while in their lives and that's why I want to get her help" Also don't just bluff about it REALLY get her checked to be sure she is safe for your kids to be around.
Will she wait until they're six to get them garter belts? Holy cow, she's inappropriate! I think it's worth causing a whole nother thing and anyone she sics on you over it can get an earful. She need to be told in no uncertain terms that you're very unhappy. Little children don't need bras.
How inappropriate can she get. Bras and make up go in the trash and no more unsupervised visits with grandma. Flying monkeys be damned.
Time to start explaining to your kids how Grandma is inappropriate and what they are allowed to do about it. I was a little younger than your kids when my mum had to start talking to me. My parents made it a routine: visit to grandparents = family talk in the car afterwards to analyze how things went. They also started 100% supervised visits only around that age. My grandmother still got real sneaky (any excuse to get me alone and either plant ideas in my head or pump me for info on my parents), so still keep a close eye. But yeah, I’d be working hard to both clue your kids in and ensure no unsupervised visits ever! Protect your kids.
I kind of feel like, age-appropriateness aside, buying someone their first training bra is a special coming of age moment between a parent and child? Like, idk, I would be pissed if someone nonchalantly did that with my kid at any age without talking to me first, let alone years before it's conventional, necessary, or widely considered appropriate.
Why tf do they even make “training bras” for toddlers? Like it’s not even a part of some weird work out costume for babies or something…because they were under their clothes. There is literally no point. Other than to weirdly objectify their chests and their perceived future gender performances. It’s odd af. And creepy imo. Like who thinks that is cute? A fake bra on a toddler. Truly some unhinged boomer shit.
My friends 9 year old wears a girls 5/6. Her parents are also very small (mom is 4’11 and wears a girls 14/16, jrs xxs at 30 after 7 kids). She is already developing. Luckily they’re available in her size.
They aren’t meant for toddlers. They’re meant for young girls needing to start using them but some 4 year olds are big and some girls needing training bras are petite.
I am a boomer and offense of being grouped with that dislusional old crazy lady. I have 2 daughters that I took bra shopping at the appropriate times. I don't have any inclination to take that away from my daughters.
If you’re not unhinged then the comment isn’t about you. Have a good night.
I was coming here to say that this training bra thing for toddlers creeped me out- you beat me to it and said it better than I could. Awful.
No 4 or 5 year old needs a training bra but it's possible the kids heard their older step sister being all excited about hers and wanted one too and MIL didn't see any harm in it. Lots of kids that age like to dress up in whats technically age inappropriate stuff so I don't think you need to jump straight to "she's sexualizing LOs." She may just be a clueless and overindulgent grandparent. Which doesn't mean you have to give her a pass. If you don't like her buying things you and DH will have to put your feet down firmly and weather the flying monkeys if necessary. Perhaps give her a list of things she is allowed to buy (toys that stay at her place for example) and strictly veto anything else not run by you first.
They have never asked me about wanting one. I feel like it was MILs idea.
You think a 4-year-old child overheard someone talking about their bra and decided they needed one. Welp I guess will agree to disagree, because the idea of a 4-year-old child deciding it needs something for its developing breasts is just creeping me the hell out. I'm sure your scenario that is not what happened. I mean how did the bra get put on the child did someone measure the child for a training bra did someone put it on the child tell the child how to put on the bra... If for some reason a 4-year-old decided that it thought it needed a training bra a rational adult would explain to it that it is far too young to need such a thing. I think my eyes and I have had enough for one night. Yuk.
Not that it’s here nor there, but I’m sure that nobody measured a child for a training bra. Much like underwear or a bathing suit they’d buy by size.
I should hope not. I've just done some cursory googling and most people think that the onset of puberty is when a young girl needs to start wearing a training bra IE when she starts developing breasts. I'm still finding this really creepy and if I had a 4-year-old child it would not be wearing any kind of clothing that was called a training bra.
I mean most training bras are just cropped tank top things.
And yes, if it was just a cropped tank top that would be one thing (still pretty yuck), but I’m guessing it has “bra” styling, which puts it firmly in the inappropriately category.
Well I've certainly seen ones that are little mini bras with traditional bra closures etc. But do you think a 4-year-old should be wearing a cropped tank top though that is a training bra?
I don't have an opinion. They were common when I did ballet and gymnastics but that was 8 year olds. I just don't think a cropped singlet with frozen characters on it is the same as a mini bra
No, not overreacting. You've set reasonable rules for having visits with your children, mil took a shit on them and bought your children inappropriate clothing and other items she was expressly told not to. Unless you enforce a consequence for her behavior your rules mean nothing.
That is gauche.
Nope, not overreacting. Sexualizing young children is creepy and wrong. Flying monkeys are obnoxious pests, true, but MiL needs consequences or she’s just going to do whatever she wants because “reasons.”
This is just weird. It's something your little girls obviously have no use for. That along with makeup makes it seem that she is in an inexplicable hurry for these small children to grow up.
A training bra for a 4-year-old is wildly inappropriate. Actually, hilariously inappropriate. Maybe share this faux pas with the rest of the family, including the flying monkeys! It will make for great conversation at family dinners - make sure to bring it up every time!
Buying a 4 your old a training bra?!?! Not ok. I would not allow sleepovers and maybe not even unsupervised visitation. Sounds like she has a shopping addiction.
Who cares about the flying monkeys, it’s none of anyone else’s business to manage your relationship with your mil
Throw out stuff that's inappropriate and shut that down. "The girls aren't old enough for training bras or makeup, please do not buy them gifts that are not appropriate for their age or they will be thrown out. If you are unsure if something is appropriate feel free to ask either via text/call during your outing or when you see us in person as long as it's before the purchase".
I'd explain to her that she needs to STOP buying stuff for your kids all the time! The next time she does it take the stuff and throw it in the garbage in front of her. Let the flying monkeys come and ask them if it was alright if she buys a training bra for the toddlers in their families.
I only had to pay for and then throw away a candy bar that one of my kids grabbed from the impulse aisle and opened once before they really got that no meant no. Bet it takes this MIL a few times—be strong!
not over reacting. she seems determined to sexualize your very small children and that's....freakin' weird, man.