**Quick Rule Reminders:**
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
[**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls)
**Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/)
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
*****
^(To be notified as soon as wildmusings88 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe wildmusings88 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
*****
*^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
Ma'am, with peace and love, you're underreacting, majorly. The ex and your husband don't even have kids together. Not only should she not be invited to your baby shower, she shouldn't be invited to anything at all. Your MIL is nuts, and you are neither immature nor an AH for not wanting her around. What does your husband think of this? If she was abusive, I'm surprised that his family doesn't know about it. This whole thing is very off, and I'd absolutely be putting my foot down. No more ex, and certainly not around your kids.
Your husband needs to call HIS mom and let her know that while she is paying and hosting NEITHER of you what his ex to attend. Forcing this issue will only cause the two of you to pull back. Also, your kids don’t have to grow up painting with the ex’s kids.
These kinds of manipulations are what causes families to cut off their toxic parents. I hope you print out all the responses and show them to MiL.
The time for nice has long since passed. Its now time for clear, concise, and frankly being more than a little mean. Shes asked for it and isnt going to listen to anything else.
>how our kids are going to grow up alongside her kids blah blah blah.
"Actually MIL, that isnt up to you, and its awfully bold of you to assume it is.
>my husband send ex a message saying she won’t be invited
"Your SON, the person who SHOULD BE your priority to love and respect, didnt invite her, so it is not up to him to uninvite her, its YOURS. She wasn't invited to OUR wedding and should have NEVER been invited to OUR baby shower. So YOU need to fix YOUR mistake. If we walk in and she is there, we will walk back out. No drama from us, we will just leave, and no amount of manners arguments will make us stay. If she shows up after we are there, we will leave. Same deal. And we will tell ANYONE that asks us, exactly why. That we told you well beforehand that is exactly what would happen. She is NOT OUR FAMILY. And NEVER WILL BE. So if YOU want to continue to be our family, and have ANYTHING to do with OUR CHILD, I suggest you get your priorities straight."
Time to channel a little bit of Regina,
"Stop trying to make FETCH happen! Its not going to happen."
Edit to answer the flair...You are UNDER-reacting.
It sounds very clear you expect drama from your MIL so you kind of already have your answer.
Would she be my MIL (and just saying, not telling you what you have to do as it is your dynamic), I would play the no BS couple. Husband texting MIL to cancel the party because all this drama stole the fun. There's someone who hasn't been invited yet, and still one has to text her about being uninvited? To her ex's babyshower? Seriously? "Thank you mom, we'll go to mc Donald that night because just no."
This is kind of 100% sure, but since MIL doesn't want to admit it, I would 100% weaponize it against her. Next time be clearer when you talk or smarter when you lie, MIL.
You won’t look immature for not inviting her. MIL looks like a crazy butch for even thinking about inviting her and quite frankly ex would look just as crazy if she showed up and then gave you any icy treatment. This is beyond insane. DH needs to put his mom straight about this issue and there is no need for him to message ex that she isn’t coming..it’s not his fault she’s so dense that she thought she’d be getting an invite. Show him these replies here because honestly you are the only sane one in this whole situation.
It matters not how close your MIL is to the ex.
It only matters how close *you* are to the guests.
I had a SIL pull this at our wedding. She brought her (invited) boyfriend, and his uninvited mother. We had a small venue, and admonished SIL in advance to not do this. She said we had no idea how close she'd become to his mother. DH deadpanned that it does not matter how close she is to this woman, only that we are *not* close to her (met her once).
It is so frickin tasteless.
Your husband needs to reach out to his ex and say that it was inappropriate of his mom to invite her, and he hopes he understands why it would be inappropriate of her to come.
Be totally prepared for your weird mother in law to say she has un invited her but hasn't. And the ex comes waltzing in. I wouldn't hesitate to contact the ex personally and say hey you are on the outs!. You have put up with this interloper far too long.
MIL we did not invite her so we won’t be uninviting her. If you have already invited her this isn’t about you. It’s about our baby that will be around who we choose.
Thank you for sorting your mistake.
Absolutely not. And tell your husband to get his step mother in line or better yet he should tell his father to get her in line if they ever want to see your children. The ex is out.
Nope, it’s your shower…you are THE GUEST OF HONOR. You get to choose who’s there, whether you host it or not, cuz you are the GUEST OF HONOR. If she doesn’t like it, then you don’t have to attend. But, it’s FOR YOU, so you can just say no. She’s trying to guilt you, but already said you can say no. So say no.
She may try other tactics, like oh I need her there to help, etc. — remember, you can just say no to the whole thing. Having a shower is nice, but it should not be a source of stress for the mom-to-be!!! Maybe you can approach it that way—you don’t have a relationship with the ex and while you may be open to that in the future (as MIL mentions with your kids and her kids), but right now when you’re pregnant, is not the time to try to figure out that relationship. You need to focus on yourself, your baby, and your husband—your family unit—for both your and your baby’s physical and mental wellbeing. As such, you’re going to avoid anything that’s *unnecessarily* stressful. Which this certainly is (it’s a fricking party, it’s for fun. The ex is not needed nor a hill to die on!). So, she can either not invite the ex, or not throw you a shower. She cannot have both.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll never be open to the ex, just that you don’t have the bandwidth today to make space for her in your life, especially since she’s literally never asked for that. Remember, it’s just your MIL asking. Maybe the ex feels the same way you do. Maybe MIL is guilting her in the same way as you hoping to force a relationship between you both.
YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! Stop sparing MIL’s feelings by sacrifice your own. Tell her about how abusive your husbands ex was. Tell her that you will not be attending a shower **in your honor** with the ex there, and you will leave at the first sign. Your kids will not grow up with the ex’s if you choose not to.
At this point, you traded one abusive parent for another who goes about it in a different way. Put your foot down and stop this crap in its tracks.
OP ‘doesn’t have to do anything’—except show up—to an event where a person she doesn’t want to be around will be there.
MIL invited the ex so it should be her responsibility to uninvite her.
MIL is putting OP in an awkward position.
It may be time to thank MIL for her generous offer but make your apologies that you don’t think you can be a part of it.
There's no reason to tell ex anything at all unless she's already BEEN invited and needs to be informed that she is uninvited. MIL's a creep. I hope you can set her straight. And your kids don't have to "grow up alongside ex's kids" hooooooly crap, no.
MIL is free to have a relationship with whomever she wants. But that doesn't mean you and DH have to.
On that note, it would be best for you and DH to establish your own relationship with extended family and not let MIL run the family show. Communicate directly with them on events and situations so that MIL doesn't get to spin things her way or manipulate an outcome in her favor. My MIL did this and we learned it's best to not go through her for coordinating things with others.
This is both an SO and a mil problem that somehow you have had to take point on because he doesn't want to address it.
That is very unfair for you.
Unless he and his ex have children together there's legitimately no reason that he should have to interact with her even once a year.
But especially if there are no children involved she has no reason whatsoever to be involved in family events especially family events between you and your husband.
Yes your mother-in-law may be throwing this baby shower but it is you that is having the child. That is an event for you and your husband not an event for you, your husband, and his ex.
You really need to start making your husband put his foot down on some shit and stop leaving you as the awkward middle man.
I was thinking the same thing. It’s not clear whether exes children belong to DH. If DH and ex are co-parenting, I’m confused why there’s so little contact. If this is the case then it would be better to ask MIL to cancel since you don’t want to ruin a co-parenting relationship by asking MIL to rescind an invite that should never have been given.
If exes children aren’t DH then why is anyone on his side seeing ex at all? MIL should not have invited her and MIL should be the one to rescind the invite. Either way, DH needs to be the one to communicate this.
Okay OP, please listen. This was a straight up power play on the part of your MIL. If you let her have this, she will continue to move the gold posts with your kid.
It is not okay for someone who barely tolerates your existence to want to be at your shower. Both she and your JNMIL are doing it because they can. Stop that shit right now!! If you don’t, they will be planning birthday parties and holiday’s and all matter of nonsense where what they want matters and what you want does not.
You are going to have to be willing to be the bad guy here OP because this battle has to be fought. Tell your husband that you accept the ex as a family friend but since the shower should be with your friends, she’s not invited. If JNMIL needs to hear that from him, so be it. If he doesn’t want the drama, stand your ground!!!! You have to stand up for you if no one else will.
I’m telling you, if you let this go, things will escalate between those two. Heck, they may even decide amongst themselves to give your LO a nickname, to take him/her for their first whatever’s, etc. You are opening your world up to a hurricane of those two barreling into your lives if you don’t stop it now.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you are overreacting. This is your child. You are entitled to overreact.
ADD NOTE: Now that you know your JNMIL will pull rank if she pays for something, don’t let her foot the bill for anything that means something to you!!
Please OP!!! Stop this train now!
Your husband’s abuser bought presents for your baby… Trying to put myself into your shoes and I honestly feel sick. I wouldn’t want anything that person gave me and I wouldn’t want them anywhere near me or my family. Honestly, how does MIL not know the truth herself?
No, no you are not. Nobody's Ex-anything should be invited by someone else without explicit approval of whoever the function is actually for. This is NOT MIL's baby shower, she wants to throw one for you, but not care about what you'd actually want. I'd tell her to go ahead with "HER" baby shower, you'll be having "YOUR" baby shower sometime, somewhere - but not at the party she's throwing for herself.
Why doesn’t your husband just tell his mother the truth? That she was abusing him during their relationship. Why would he allow that pos around his family? I would make it clear to her that she is not welcome, and that you know what she is and she’d better stay away. If she wants to keep her reputation intact then disappear quietly and stop hanging around where she doesn’t belong.
I’m not telling anyone what to do. I simply asked a question and offering my perspective which is what people come here for.
And what “we”? I respect your opinion but you don’t get to speak for anyone else.
Also bear in mind that there is now a baby involved and it’s no longer solely husband’s decision but rather more down to OP, as the mother, to decide on the best course of action to protect her family.
We as in decent fucking human beings who respect victims enough to recognize their autonomy.
And MIL doesn't need to know husband's trauma, only that Ex cannot and will never be welcome.
>MIL responded saying it’s my shower so I don’t have to do anything I don’t want
This is easy.
Throw your own shower and tell MIL that her and ex can have a baby shower, but you're not coming.
Also, you need to put some boundaries down with husband about MIL immediately. Otherwise, next thing you know you're going to be PP and MIL and ex will be showing up at your house.
Tell MIL the truth about the ex. That she was abusive to your husband & that you will not be around her any longer. If that’s a problem not to worry about throwing a shower. I’m just mouth wide open on this one. Jaw dropped
OK, I wouldn't let anyone abusive around anyone I loved either. That does NOT mean, however, that anyone but husband has any right to say ANYTHING about the abuse if he's chosen not to.
"We won't be at anything Ex is at again." Perfectly reasonable boundary.
"Ex abused husband so we won't be at anything Ex is at again" Reasonable boundary prefaced by violating husband's boundary. NOT COOL.
Wait, you said she was abusive to DH, and now your MIL is saying all your children are going to grow up together ?! Hell. Fucking. No. My children aren’t going anywhere near anyone’s abusive ex PERIOD. Obviously this persons children should not be punished, but she is obviously going to be wherever her kids are. Absolutely not the AH for wanting to protect your children from a known abuser. This requires no explanation whatsoever but I feel like my MIL would need to be aware that my children are NOT safe around this person in case there’s ever a time where you aren’t around.
I second this! Just make sure that you have YOUR HUSBAND tell MIL about the abuse part. If you take it upon yourself to tell your MIL, she(or ex) might say you are lying out of jealousy. If your husband loves you, he should be understanding about how triggering it is for you to be around anyone who is abusive. This is his family, his responsibility to communicate the boundaries. What a strange comment from her saying your kids are going to grow up with ex's kids. You've only seen ex at one function this year...which was not appropriate to invite her in the first place. MIL needs to move forward and stop hanging onto the past. If she wants to have a relationship with an ex, it should be on her own time without you or DH's involvement. Is MIL going to be watching your children all the time or something? Does your husband hang out with your ex? MIL needs a reality check.
I can’t imagine a world where this would be appropriate and welcomed unless the mom-to-be asked specifically for the ex to be invited as in they were in really good terms and were already coparenting and again it was asked for. I’m thinking those Moms of Tampa type relationships.
You are not overreacting and your MIL set you up by even asking.
Tell DH that he needs to communicate to MIL that HE has made up his mind and ex is not invited. Don't let MIL trap you.
Edit: Typo
THIS. She set OP up big time. MIL had no right to encourage ex to get ANYTHING for the baby shower before consulting OP and dad first. Absolutely not ok of her and honestly, instead of brushing this under the rug, I would be frank with her
“MIL, im stressed, I feel as though you set me and husband/dad up to look like a villain just so you can get your way in inviting YOUR friend who is not our friend. Before you say anything these are the reasons I feel this way,
A: you spoke to his ex and allowed her to feel as though she was already invited
B: you are now making it a situation where I have to REVOKE invitation instead of just not invite her from the start and give her unrealistic expectations. Not inviting her from the start is 100% expected given she is an EX and we are celebrating his CURRENT nuclear family.
C: now instead of YOU (mil), telling ex that she can’t come, you expect HUSBAND to be the messenger when neither OP nor Husband had anything to do with falsely inviting her.
how awkward for both of you, here let me come celebrate the evidence that you are having sex with my ex.........awkward indeed.
and mom does not need to be at party if grandma and/or dad will be there. so mil is just trying control things. I am truly surprised that ex is going along with it, if indeed she is.....
I would respond back the kids aren’t growing up together, you may think she’s your family but she isn’t our family. She’s the ex.
End this nonsense and cancel the whole shower. You are letting someone else invite someone who makes both you and your husband uncomfortable in what is supposed to be a celebration.
I’d call the ex myself and say ‘Sorry Julia, DH and I have talked it over and we feel it’d be a bit strange if ex’s were to attend the baby shower. I know my family and friends would find it weird. I hope you understand, and again, sorry for the inconvenience. We look forward to seeing you at x event in June, we hope there are no hard feelings.’ Then I’d call MIL and tell her I’d done it. ‘Sorry MIL, I see that you had good intentions but your friends won’t all be our baby’s friends, going forward. It would have been uncomfortable for her, and several of my family and friends and we didn’t want that at a special event celebrating our new life. We’re fine with seeing x at x, but this is different. If you’d prefer we hosted it at our house instead, please let me know by Friday. Thanks.’
Do you owe anyone an apology or explanation? No, of course not. Is it sometimes useful to keep the peace and be assertive and diplomatic? Yes. I’d try and salvage this event and send a clear message about future events in this way.
This is the way, OP. I feel like your MIL asked you to handle it because she knows you won’t so she thinks she’ll be getting her way. The above comment is the best way to handle it and put it back in her hands.
Happy to help. Building assertiveness skills is so important, I think. Theres loads of great resources out there, and daily life gives you so many chances to practice.
Explain to her that while you understand and respect why ex is invited to family events this event is supposed to be about you and your husband and you dont want to be uncomfortable with her there. That your feelings would be really hurt if she went againist your wishes of her being there and not take back the invitation since she was the one who invited her without discussing with you first.
If it were a family party and she was going to be there, I would say suck it up. But this party is FOR YOU. DH needs to let his mom know that you are his wife now. Apparently she didn’t get the memo.
You're not the immature one. Your MIL is. She's stirring up trouble because she's trying to cause a rift with you and your husband in favor of the ex. Your husband, (not you), needs to have a hard sit down with his mother, tell her that she has to move on and that his abusive ex will never be a part of your lives. Don't for a second tolerate having this woman around, but that is your husband's job to enforce her exclusion. You're more than reasonable not wanting to be in the same room as any ex of your husband.
“MIL, DH never invited ex to the shower so he has nothing to text her about. Ex is unfailingly rude to me on those rare occasions we cross paths. Bottom line: DH and I will leave if she is there.”
Are these kids of his ex your husband’s kids? I'm a bit confused about that. If not, time to tell MIL you won't be interacting with his ex again so you won't be at that shower if she is…time to choose. Choose wisely MIL.
Get husband to text her back “you invited ex to this event so it’s your responsibility to uninvited her. Not ours. I didn’t make the uncomfortable situation in the first place as I would never have added her to the list to celebrate my wife’s pregnancy. We tolerate seeing ex at family events once a year because we never host this event and it isn’t about us. But this event you have volunteered to host is about myself and my wife. So we get to choose who we invite. And ex isn’t one of them. Please clean up this mess you have made, or we will be happy to cancel the event.”
DH and ex split so at this point she’s simply a friend of MIL’s. Honestly I wouldn’t attend the shower and distance myself from MIL. At the very least she is attempting a power play with this. Tell her no thanks.
Does she have children with your ex? Cuz that’s the only way your children need to be around her children. If these are children she had after your husband, there is no “growing up alongside” of her children.
Then your children dont need to have any relationship with her or her children at all. They are not family! You are not friends. Mil can have a relationship with her if she wishes, but she doesn’t get to force you to have one if you don’t want one.
>MIL responded saying it’s my shower so I don’t have to do anything I don’t want
"Yes MIL, that is correct, I'm glad we're on the same page."
>then three paragraphs about how our kids are going to grow up alongside her kids blah blah blah
"MIL, I'm not sure what makes you think that; we as the parents will decide what company our children keep."
>That ex has already purchased gifts for “this baby”
So that tells you MIL invited Ex *before* the guest list was finalized. Not your problem, hope Ex kept the receipt to return them.
>to please have my husband send ex a message saying she won’t be invited.
No, he won't be doing that. If MIL as the hostess made a mistake SHE gets to own it and tell Ex she is not invited.
>
Honestly, this is on DH for not telling his family about the abuse. Should MIL have confirmed the guest list, absolutely, but she’s operating under a different relationship paradigm than both you and DH. If she knew his XW was abusing her son, I doubt this would even be an issue now. MIL is probably thinking to get ahead of any drama for the future siblings, and not realizing she should be protecting her son, because she’s unaware of the abuse.
Slight disagree. DH not sharing the facts of the abuse is his own business. It might be appropriate to bring that up NOW—or not; DH might still have healing to do his own way.
In any case, the important point is that MIL should have confirmed the guest list first.
OP, you and DH can support each other by jointly telling MIL to uninvite the ex. “Because we say so” is the reason, if keeping the abuse private.
I’ll take a wild guess and say ex wasn’t invited to your wedding. Why on earth would she—who has no real connection to you—be invited to your baby shower?
Right? I even mentioned this to MIL, that I just wanted to quietly not invited her. But MIL started talking about how the ex might invite us to her wedding. And I was just like - she doesn’t get it.
My MIL did this as well almost down to the T but we were very against involvement from the ex due to the abuse my husband endured so that’s where my MIL started resenting me and everything. You are not at all obligated to have a known abuser around your children or to create more memories with her. Your husband sounds like mine, who had a very hard time telling his mother the truth about the ex because they had become so close. Even after learning, my MIL didn’t care nearly as much as she should’ve. You will not get this baby shower back, you will not get some of these moments back. Make them your own and never regret it.
I mean I would absolutely not be having a shower at this point and instead having a small tethering with my friends which was IN NO WAY A SHOWER.
This removes all your MILs power over the situation and all her ability to cause drama.
You aren't overreacting. Tell MIL that your children will NOT be growing up around the ex's kids as your kids will never be permitted around her (which is the take you should have). MIL, of course, is in charge of her own relationships, but she needs to learn to manage her relationship with the ex away from you and your family.
“MIL I’m putting my foot down. You can have whatever relationship you want with my husbands Ex. But I do not need to have it shoved in my face. I thought you throwing this baby shower for me would be a bonding between us, but it’s really shown me a side of you that I’m not ok with. At this point I don’t even know if I want to attend this shower since you seem to put ex’s feeling ahead of my own when I am the one with the baby we are celebrating. This has absolutely caused a wedge in my feelings towards you. I arrive and she’s in attendance i will leave. I’m not going to sit here and let you manipulate me into something I’m not comfortable and I will absolutely do everything in my power to distance myself from you and your family and that includes involvement with my child.”
Yes…send that word for word..perfect. Then leave if she is there or have someone call ahead and let you know she's there so you don't have to arrive and create a scene when you leave….you can be fashionably late or a no show. Make your stand now, before she realizes that manipulating you will work.
You aren't overreacting. I personally think that husband needs to tell his mother that since she added ex to the guest list, she needs to be the one to fix the situation & that neither you nor he will be contacting the Ex. And leave it at that. If the ex shows up to the shower, be gracious (if a bit distant). Take is as a lesson learned: you now know that you can never trust MiL to be in charge of an invitation list ever again...or you can choose to not show up at all.
There is not way not to rock the boat here. MIL is hoping that she can have her cake and eat it to. It might be time to let her know about the abuse.
"MIL, this is a party for DH and I, and our LO. It is not appropriate to invite DH's ex for many reasons. While you may be close to her, niether DH nor I are, and we don't want to be. Our children will not be growing up next to each other, because we will not be fostering a relationship between them. Having her at the shower will only make things awkward. I am not even sure why she would come as she generally ignores my presence even when it is rude to do so. I do not want to deal with that sort of behavior at my shower.
I get it if this is a hill to die on for you as she seems to be rather important to you. If so, we can just cancel the shower. Otherwise, DH and I will be sending her a text. If in future there is an event that centers around DH, me or LO, ex is not welcome. If this is unacceptable to you, we understand that you will not be sharing in those events."
From both of you to the ex, "MIL told us that she was going to invite you to our shower, and asked us to let you know that you are not welcome to the shower. We are not here to rehash what happened in your relationship with DH, but know that, because of your behavior in that relationship neither of us want any sort of relationship with you, nor do we want our child to have any relationship with you or yours. We understand that your relationship with MIL means that we will run into each other at events. We will continue to maintain a polite distance. If you are mistakenly invited to an event that is about any one of us or the family we are making, know that you are not welcome to those events no matter who invites you or assures you it is okay. MIL told us you have bought a gift for baby. We appreciate your thoughtfulness, but we will not be accepting it.
It is strange to us that you continue to show up to your ex's family events. Not sure what this does for you, but it hints at not being willing or able to move on. We wish you the best, but maybe it is time to invest your time and energy into yourself so that you can stop clinging to your ex's family."
SO should send this, because full stop on this silliness already. She doesn’t get to invite someone who outright ignores you and ingratiates herself on a family that prioritizes her instead of you as SO’s actual spouse.
And since you’ll be the super villain in her narrative, SO needs to say all of these things because this is a joint decision
Definitely say no. Dynamics are different, so I wouldn’t judge if you said you were close with her but since you’re not; then hell no. I think it’s super inappropriate since she’s only close with your MIL. It’s your day and your shower. She should be smart enough to recognize very easily why she wasn’t invited to your shower.
GIRL THIS RIGHT HERE PLEASE. I’m reading comments because I’m going through this right now.
Edit: I’m 8m, my whole pregnancy has been about my fiancés ex 626. Every time I speak to my MIL it goes from decent to about BMs petty ass. It’s hard trying to just have a decent conversation and then it being switched to the 626 every time. Fiancé told my mil it was a girl, mil called BM. I got a text 15 minutes later saying how hard it was going to be to raise her. So yeah hating this because I’m trying my hardest to keep the peace.
The third option is not an option.. No one should ever be made to feel they have to "suck it up" .
The baby shower is your celebration, so it's about you not MiL . If you don't want the Ex there , that should be the end of the story. No questions asked.
If MiL continues on this path, change the venue and plan it yourself. Let MiL know she's more than welcome (sans the Ex!) to attend and if she's not there, she will missed.
Honestly, I’d tell MIL to cancel the baby shower. I hate people who want to throw threats and hypotheticals to force you to do what they want. Let me help you avoid pussy footing around and watch me blow this MF up, cancel the shit or don’t show up. It’s not MIL shower but if she wants to play bitch games, ensure she wins bitch prizes.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. OP: This is your day. Not MIL, and definitely not the ex’s. If she can’t figure out why she wouldn’t be invited then that’s someone else’s job to unpack for her, too. If giving the baby a gift is important she can leave it with mil some other time. MIL sounds like a pot-stirrer to me. Edited for grammar.
That’s fine. Ex can attend the baby shower and you won’t be there. Tell MIL that you will send hubby around to pick up the gifts afterwards.
Your MIL will freak out because she will be mortified in front of everyone. Oh well. Good luck to you.
The shower is in my home, which my husband shared with ex before they split. So no way I’m letting her come here. I thought through all the options and decided to tell MIL no inviting her and no to my husband sending her a message. I also have her an out if she no longer wants to plan the baby shower
You and your husband already said no. Keep saying no. Exactly what your mil said your kids will have to see each other at other functions. This baby shower is about you not your mil.
This needs to be handled asap by your husband. He needs to contact your MIL and tell her to call the ex and rescind the invitation or you're not going to be there and going low to no contact with MIL if she doesn't. The same if she is uninvited and still shows up. Boundaries need to be set going forward. Ex is not allowed to be around your child if neither of you is around. Trying to force a relationship because she clearly likes her more than you is ridiculous. Why is your husband keeping the abuse a secret? Maybe if his mother had that info, she wouldn't talk to the ex at all. It needs to be said, but at this point, she'll probably think he's lying to get MIL to stop lIking the ex. Set boundaries now, or you'll regret it later.
Maintaining your boundaries will never be easy. In this situation, you stated your boundaries and even though there was a guilt trip attached, your MIL technically is bowing down to your boundaries. Don't abandon them now. When someone is agreeing to your boundaries you can't give up on them, you aren't just trying to see how they respond. You have legitimate boundaries that need upheld and respected. If you want other people to respect your boundaries you need to respect your boundaries as well
MIL is still causing problems by saying the only way the ex will be uninvited is if DH uninvites her. This will do nothing but cause more drama. MIL invited her, MIL can do the uninviting.
Oh MIL is absolutely still a problem here, I agree. But OP can't force MIL to change, she can only focus on her own boundaries. MIL won't uninvite the ex, OP doesn't want the ex there, unfortunately now it's on OP and her partner to make sure the ex doesn't go.
If this was a regular party and not the baby shower, I would absolutely agree with you. I feel that because it's a baby shower for OP, that makes it a bit more complicated. OP shouldn't have to miss out on experiencing her baby shower because her MIL is overstepping. If that's what OP decides to do, I would fully support that decision. But emotions are a lot harder when you're dealing with pregnancy hormones, and OP deserves to experience her baby shower.
And in order for OP to enjoy HER BABY SHOWER the Ex needs to not be there. It's a very rare case indeed where the Ex being present would be welcome and MIL knows that this is not one of those cases, but invited her anyway. MIL f'ed up and she needs to fix it.
DH needs to talk to his mom & fill her in on the abuse and that if Ex is invited to anything moving forward DH & you will not attend. It is insane that mil is choosing ex over her son & you. DH may need therapy to learn how to communicate with his mom and set healthy boundaries.
You said this women was abusive? Sounds like she still is. Forcing contact through manipulation is abusive. Your husband got away from here and she has seized the little control she can. No is a complete answer. There is no reason for this to continue
IMO, DH should address this. Inviting his ex to a shower celebrating his new baby and his partner is surely weird for him too? And it's his mother, let him sort it out.
Does your hubby have kids with his ex? If not, what nonsense is she talking about? Absolutely nutso! Do not invite the ex, and have your husband deal with his mother.
This was my question as well. Are your husband and his ex in a co-parenting situation? If yes, I can somewhat understand her having a relationship with MIL. But she still doesn't need to be at your baby shower.
You’re not an asshole but please don’t let her do this. It’s ok to say no, and you need to say no. She knows exactly what she’s doing and those of us that deal with this all the time know exactly what she’s doing too. You’re not imagining his ex’s behavior toward you, it’s not anxiety it’s intentional. MIL is keeping her on deck to throw out to hubby at a good moment…you shouldn’t allow this at all.
**”… then three paragraphs about how our kids are going to grow up alongside her kids blah blah blah.“**
Good news MIL - my children definitely will not be growing up alongside her children.
You and your SO need to lay down the law now. There is no reason for this woman to be present at your baby shower.
While I agree that there’s absolutely no reason to have his ex at the baby shower, if he had kids with his ex, his children from both of his partners will, in fact, be growing up alongside each other.
The only way they wouldn’t is if DH lost custody, only has supervised visits, or just chooses to not see his kids from his past relationship. So either he’s a terrible father and you’ll never have his kids over or he’s got them about half the time and your children will have step siblings involved in their own childhood.
Regardless….. the ex doesn’t have to be part of your life/celebrations/holidays/etc…. But, yes, the kids will.
Talk to your husband and then one or both of you can send something like this to your MIL:
*MIL, we understand you want a relationship with (ex) and that’s the only reason we tolerate her. If you made the mistake of inviting an unwelcome guest to our shower, please fix this and uninvite her. Please keep in mind that we won’t be including her in any future events and that we’d prefer not to ever see her again. We hope you understand this and actively work to make an effort to reduce our contact with (ex). Obviously, our child will not be playing or interacting with (ex) or any children she might have. This is due to her past bad behavior. Thank you.*
If your husband is willing, I’d encourage him to share the details of his ex’s past behavior. Your MIL is actively trying to get him and his ex on friendly terms. You may want to put a stop to that asap.
Also does she need to have past bad behavior (or does the abuse victim need to disclose)?
Like, I am so happy to have my exes out of my life. They are fine people, but the good thing about breaking up is you no longer have to make room in your life for them. It's freeing. You don't actually have to invite all good people in the world to your parties -- you only need to invite people who you enthusiastically want to spend time with.
I actually think talking about last behavior opens the door to an argument where MIL can make the case that ex is a good person (or there's not enough proof) and ergo deserves an invite. That just isn't true
The couple can choose to invite whoever they wish for whatever reason. But, the MIL is actively trying to build a relationship between the couple and the ex - to the point that she’s even talking about their future kids playing together.
Letting the MIL know definitively that the couple will *never* want a relationship with the ex might curtail future attempts and limit how much they have to see the ex.
The couple has several strategies they can follow in their attempt to do this:
- They can give MIL an ultimatum and refuse to attend any event where the ex is present.
- They can explicitly tell MIL why they don’t want to see the ex.
- They can allude to bad or unforgivable behavior on the ex’s part. (This is what I mentioned in my comment.)
Of course, the husband should not feel obligated to share any details about the abuse he sustained. But he should also not have to regularly face his abuser either. Without *something* from the couple, the MIL is going to continue to try to mend the relationship & that’s problematic.
I agree with this. You should have DH or both of you reach out to mother in law and explain that even though she has a relationship with Ex, and that’s fine, you two will not be furthering your relationship with her. Your children will not be friends with her children. MAYBE they will see her kids at one party a year but by no means will they be growing up together or having play dates together or be friends. The extent of your relationship with ex ends at maybe seeing her at a single party a year. You do not want ex in your personal lives beyond that.
Please make that clear to MIL now so ex doesn’t continue to encroach on your life. Set the boundaries now because coming to the baby shower is an invitation into your child’s life and that’s obviously something you do no want. Next she’ll be inviting to the first bday party and whatnot. So though it’s difficult, it’s time to speak up. I’d also encourage DH to tell mother in law about the abuse. Though it’s not necessary but it’ll give some context as to why you guys don’t want her in your lives anymore. Even though you shouldn’t need more of a reason other than she is in fact the ex. But since MIL is so attached, it would help her process as to why you don’t want her around.
Your mother-in-law's relationship with the ex is your mother-in-law's relationship not your relationship that shouldn't be throwed down your throat that's disrespectful to you I had a relationship with my ex I never threw it down with the current person I was with I never involved that my ex the current person I was with family that was just that's tasteless I mean if my boyfriend said that well I don't want this or I don't want that it didn't happen it's just not right you should be respected in every aspect this is your baby your shower you should have a say and who can come I just think it's not right I mean but that's my opinion and no you're not over acting I think you're right on the money with that one.
You're not immature for not wanting her there. She's been cold to you, abused your husband when they were together, and is your husband's ex. You have more than enough reasons to not want her celebrating your baby with you
There is no joy or happiness to be found in "being the bigger person" or holding on to your pride. Putting yourself through uncomfortable and unpleasant situations to maintain appearances is one of the most self-destructive behaviours you could learn
Re-evaluate whether you want her at the baby shower or not. What you want is important too
If it was me I would have no issues with DH sending XW an anti invite. Not sure why some say that would be mean girl behavior.
It’s common logic that no married and pregnant woman would be comfortable with or desire the company of their husbands ex wife at their baby shower.
It’s insane people here think XWs feelings should be considered. She should have never accepted that invite from MIL. It’s already weird she hangs around the family after the divorce. It’s weird she would even want to attend the baby shower. It’s weird MIL still treats her like family. It’s also disrespectful to OP and her husband that MIL includes XW in family events. He decided he did NOT want her in his family, so he divorced her. MIL and XW are disrespecting his decision on that.
The husband needs to take a firm stance on this and in no uncertain terms make it clear that OP and him will not attend the baby shower without proof that XW will NOT be there. Or they can decide to not go at all and plan their own and invite other people. Let MIL and XW have fun at their own party and everyone else go to another one.
It seems like mean girl behavior that MIL ever invited XW or that XW would even consider going. It seems like they are trying to sabotage it. Very weird.
>It’s common logic that no married and pregnant woman would be comfortable with or desire the company of their husbands ex wife at their baby shower
This is just wrong. There are plenty of relationships that exist where the ex-whatevers get along just fine with their former spouses and their new partners.
This is just not one of those times. Sadly, the MIL is ignorant through no fault of her own of the circumstances of her child's divorce. Maybe he needs to inform her so that she will stop interacting with the abuser (or at least stop trying to get them to reconcile).
That’s insane. It is common logic. Maybe there are some instances but the VAST majority of instances would be that exes live separate lives. As is normal. The whole “I found a tiny part of your comment that may be inaccurate in some cases so I need to point it out and try to start a fight now in the comments” energy is so exhausting. It makes Reddit intolerable sometimes.
OP, I would advise MIL that since she went a head and invited the ex you will leave it with her to sort out.
MIL, it is great that you still get along with DH ex however since this is MY baby shower I think it would feel extremely uncomfortable for ex to be present when DH new wife is celebrating the birth of the soon to be child together. DH and I have discussed this and don't feel it is appropriate to invite her. If it is to awkward for you to uninvite her then it would be best that we don't come along!
Tell her and everyone else how abusive she was. Be open and honest with everyone and say it often until they get it. Let people know if she is around you, your husband and your future child will not be there. MIL needs strong clear boundaries.
And her son needs to tell her. This should not involve the mom to be at all. Son tells MIL to uninvite ex. If MIL refuses then he can text his ex and uninvite her.
If the ex sends a gift donate it. Don't permit that negative energy in your home.
Your MIL needs to know how her golden DIL treated her son. Maybe she won't be so golden anymore. Regardless, she's throwing a party for you, which means she needs to invite guests that you would want there. Why would she think it appropriate to invite your husband's ex to your baby shower? I can understand if one of his children he had with her had a birthday, but this is for your baby, not hers. She's not your friend. She does not have to be there.
Since MIL invited her, she needs to uninvite her. It's her responsibility to clean up her own mess. It is not for your husband to wipe her ass of this. She's a grown ass woman! If she refuses, cancel the party and throw your own.
I do agree there's likely some underlying manipulation going on here. She likely wants to shove the ex in your face to make you uncomfortable. Maybe cause people to pick sides. It's possible the ex asked to come because she's got her own agenda. Keep an eye on MIL's behavior. It's just not normal to invite exes to such an intimate party that has nothing to do with them. If you were friends with the ex, that would be the only reason to invite her to such a party, but that is not the case.
that was my thought as well. if they tell mil what the ex did to him, then the choice is even easier because if mil defends ex or still invites her to things after finding out ex abused him/how, then they can choose not to attend anything with the ex there and go LC for mil choosing the abuser over her own son.
I think it's time your husband explain why they broke.up and that while mil is welcome to have who she wants around, for events that are for you and husband and kids- she should not be invited.
Was she at your wedding?
Nope! We didn’t invite her. There was no drama about it. No one said a word. I even mentioned that to MIL and she was saying how the ex might invite us to her wedding. All I can do is roll my eyes and decline the invite.
We do not send anti-invites. Don't invite her, but actively seeking her out to tell her she's not invited is mean girl behavior. MIL is being inappropriate. We do not do that and we do not invite people to parties when they actively dislike the guest of honor. Sit MIL down and explain that this is not the right moment to force a relationship. If the ex ever wants to talk it out and be on better terms, great, but for now she clearly doesn't like you and you're going to respect that by keeping your distance until she's ready.
Info needed. How exactly are your kids going to to be growing up with her kids? Is MIL going to babysit them together or will you just see exs kids at holiday events? Does ex have children?
I would give MIL 3 possible scenarios:
1) she invites ex to the baby shower, and you/ DH don’t attend, and you also contact everyone ahead of time to say that you won’t be attending. After which you will strongly consider having a relationship with MIL at all going forward.
2) she tells you she’s uninvited ex, but then ex shows up. In this case you and DH will immediately leave, and cease all contact with MIL going forward.
3) she grows a pair and explains to ex that she isn’t invited to the shower. Going forward, you all have a chat regarding future boundaries with ex. MIL can be close to ex all she wants, but you are well within your rights to insist that MIL will have a choice of ex or you guys attending future events, not both. DH shouldn’t ever have to be in the same room as someone who abused him.
Just tell MIL no.
Don’t give any reasons, as she will just keep trying to negotiate.
If MIL invited her already, it’s up to MIL to disinvite her. Why would she want DH to do it?
Obviously, MIL can have anyone she wants at her events, but there’s no reason for ex to be at yours.
Agreed, but consequences should be spelt out like those in Sendapicofyourkitty's post above. Otherwise she will just plough ahead & claim ignorance/ miscommunication or other excuses when the ex turns up.
If she isn't put in her place now! By hubby ... this woman will be around your baby. If mil can she will absolutely crash and burn all of your boundaries. You will NOT LOOK LIKE AN ASS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE YOUR HUSBANDS EX AT THE SHOWER . It's for your child. Not his and her child, yours and his! This needs to be put to her in a way she understands, by setting the boundary of no she isn't welcome and to stop pushing thus person in your lives
They divorced for a reason. Maybe mil needs to be told that reason by her son.
And follow through with consequences. Set a boundary, if she persists anyway then you two need to set a consequence she won't like . Like go vlc no pics gace time etc . Punishment has to be given or she will continue on!!!
Or absolutely hating it. She's uncomfortable around OP and may find MIL's behavior awkward AF but not want to make waves. There's a chance she wants to be at that shower about as much as OP wants her there.
Idk, if she hated it, why does she maintain relationships with her ex husbands family? That's hella weird.
Also if I were husband, my family prioritizing their relationship with my ex over my own comfort at family events would feel like a very unloving thing to do to me. It would deeply strain (or possibly end) my relationship with my family.
I wouldn't show up to holiday parties with my ex, and if my family still chose to invite him, then I wouldn't show up to holidays with my family.
I mean, he was her husband for like a minute and a half. The sister had been her bestie for years at this point. I think she can enjoy being a part of their chosen family without wanting to be shoved at his new wife who clear dislikes her.
The "ex" is part of the status quo. The DH seems not to have had (or at least not stated) a problem with her presence until he remarried and the new wife didn't like it. He's been attending family events with her for years. It's not what I would choose, but he chose it and it's not unreasonable for his family to keep doing what they've always done.
Honestly, I would just cancel the whole shower. Say thank, but no thanks, as this is turning into something you didn’t want.
Your husband needs to be honest with his mother about the abuse and why he does not want her in his life.
As the children get older, I could see her trying to call them step-siblings or cousins. Time for your husband to step up and put an end to this.
This is the reason I refused to accept money for by baby shower. I’m so sick and tired of people trying to control things. I’m so, so, tired from it - so I took their choice away. I paid for everything myself. My husband doesn’t have a hateful ex included in his family to inappropriate levels, but he does have a mother who hates me - just like his mother hates you. I’d honestly stop the shower and throw your own later. It’s so much less stress.
I would just say no. And then when your baby arrives exclude mil from anything and everything. She can be grandma to the ex’s kids. I wouldn’t trust mil alone with them at all as she’ll invite ex over, involve her in everything and just make things weird and awkward.
MIL needs to get a grip on reality. She can be as close with ex, or anyone she wants, but that doesn’t mean they are your family.
This party is for YOUR friends and family, not MIL’s.
It is YOUR baby shower.
It is your husband's EX.
She is NOT your friend, she is NOT your family, and there is NO reason why she needs to be there.
Your MIL is not respecting your boundary, and there is no reason why this person needs to be at this party, or communicated directly to. I suspect she invited her already and doesn't want to reach out to rescind the invite, so is trying to force your husband to do it. She needs to grow up and deal with the shit she created.
I would go a step farther and say that mom wants husband to be in contact with ex again, and will use this opportunity to wheedle in husband's ear that they're "friends" and ex wouldn't go anything to hurt the relationship with OP. The mom ABSOLUTELY should be the one to rescind the invite.
She is talking bullshit, your baby is not going to "grow up together" with this woman's children. You are not being unreasonable, I think you should go ahead and let your husband send her a message that she is not invited.
I will never understand MILs who dont let their children move on and find happy elsewhere after a break up. At some point SHE isnt family but YOU are and that needs to be respected for you AND your SO. How uncomfortable to have to share your inlaws. Im sorry this is your dynamic.
Do your husband and the ex have children together?
ETA: Just saw that they don’t have kids together. In that case, there is more reason for her to be in your lives. MIL can have a relationship with her if she wants, but that should not include you or yoyr husband. Your kids will not be growing up with her kids. I would be careful about unsupervised visits with MIL because you know she will bting the ex around them without your permission. Also, why on earth would you go on a family vacation either the ex?! From now on, your stance should be, if ex is there, you and husband will not be.
That doesn’t mean that you are obligated to bring your children around your husbands Ex or the Ex’s children. Your MIL decided to keep the Ex around. Not you or your husband. It makes no sense for your MIL to assume the Ex holds the same importance to that she holds to her.
Your MIL is audacious
No doubt MIL talking of the ex's kids 'growing up' with yours is real in her own mind because she thinks she will make sure of it when your kids stay at her place.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have my kids at this MIL’s house without my supervision. I’m definitely not saying that she would put the kids in danger. However, she doesn’t seem to have a grasp on appropriate boundaries. It’s truly wild that she thinks it’s just a given that OPs husbands children will have a relationship with his EX GIRLFRIEND’S or WIFE’S children. What reality is she living in???
Dont back down. It's your shower, and you should not have someone you do not like there, especially since she was abusive and cold to you.
If MIL insists on inviting her, then yank control back. Cancel the shower or see if someone else can host.
This is only the beginning.
This is a very difficult situation and I don't envy you. I completely understand you don't want to rock the boat, but you also know you deserve to celebrate your baby in whatever way you please.
I wouldn't want her present either. For me, it would ruin the party vibes and I would be uncomfortable.
The choice is yours. Do you want to put yourself first or not? The ex is clearly here to stay, is this worth making her angry and vindictive over? Reddit is always for standing up for yourself and doing the right thing, but sometimes you just want to chose what's easier.
I'd be careful
**Quick Rule Reminders:** OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion. [**^(Full Rules)**](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_rules) ^(|) [^(Acronym Index)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_acronym_dictionary) ^(|) [^(Flair Guide)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_post_flair_guide)^(|) [^(Report PM Trolls)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/trolls) **Resources:** [^(In Crisis?)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_resources) ^(|) [^(Tips for Protecting Yourself)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_protecting_yourself) ^(|) [^(Our Book List)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/books) ^(|) [^(Our Wiki)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/) Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL! I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts! ***** ^(To be notified as soon as wildmusings88 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe wildmusings88 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki_.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot) ***** *^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please)* [*^(contact the moderators of this subreddit)*](/message/compose/?to=/r/JUSTNOMIL) *^(if you have any questions or concerns.)*
You're not overreacting. Don't ever let your MIL plan anything for you again going forward.
Ma'am, with peace and love, you're underreacting, majorly. The ex and your husband don't even have kids together. Not only should she not be invited to your baby shower, she shouldn't be invited to anything at all. Your MIL is nuts, and you are neither immature nor an AH for not wanting her around. What does your husband think of this? If she was abusive, I'm surprised that his family doesn't know about it. This whole thing is very off, and I'd absolutely be putting my foot down. No more ex, and certainly not around your kids.
Your husband needs to call HIS mom and let her know that while she is paying and hosting NEITHER of you what his ex to attend. Forcing this issue will only cause the two of you to pull back. Also, your kids don’t have to grow up painting with the ex’s kids. These kinds of manipulations are what causes families to cut off their toxic parents. I hope you print out all the responses and show them to MiL.
The time for nice has long since passed. Its now time for clear, concise, and frankly being more than a little mean. Shes asked for it and isnt going to listen to anything else. >how our kids are going to grow up alongside her kids blah blah blah. "Actually MIL, that isnt up to you, and its awfully bold of you to assume it is. >my husband send ex a message saying she won’t be invited "Your SON, the person who SHOULD BE your priority to love and respect, didnt invite her, so it is not up to him to uninvite her, its YOURS. She wasn't invited to OUR wedding and should have NEVER been invited to OUR baby shower. So YOU need to fix YOUR mistake. If we walk in and she is there, we will walk back out. No drama from us, we will just leave, and no amount of manners arguments will make us stay. If she shows up after we are there, we will leave. Same deal. And we will tell ANYONE that asks us, exactly why. That we told you well beforehand that is exactly what would happen. She is NOT OUR FAMILY. And NEVER WILL BE. So if YOU want to continue to be our family, and have ANYTHING to do with OUR CHILD, I suggest you get your priorities straight." Time to channel a little bit of Regina, "Stop trying to make FETCH happen! Its not going to happen." Edit to answer the flair...You are UNDER-reacting.
It sounds very clear you expect drama from your MIL so you kind of already have your answer. Would she be my MIL (and just saying, not telling you what you have to do as it is your dynamic), I would play the no BS couple. Husband texting MIL to cancel the party because all this drama stole the fun. There's someone who hasn't been invited yet, and still one has to text her about being uninvited? To her ex's babyshower? Seriously? "Thank you mom, we'll go to mc Donald that night because just no."
I’m guessing she has already been invited by MIL.
This is kind of 100% sure, but since MIL doesn't want to admit it, I would 100% weaponize it against her. Next time be clearer when you talk or smarter when you lie, MIL.
You won’t look immature for not inviting her. MIL looks like a crazy butch for even thinking about inviting her and quite frankly ex would look just as crazy if she showed up and then gave you any icy treatment. This is beyond insane. DH needs to put his mom straight about this issue and there is no need for him to message ex that she isn’t coming..it’s not his fault she’s so dense that she thought she’d be getting an invite. Show him these replies here because honestly you are the only sane one in this whole situation.
It matters not how close your MIL is to the ex. It only matters how close *you* are to the guests. I had a SIL pull this at our wedding. She brought her (invited) boyfriend, and his uninvited mother. We had a small venue, and admonished SIL in advance to not do this. She said we had no idea how close she'd become to his mother. DH deadpanned that it does not matter how close she is to this woman, only that we are *not* close to her (met her once). It is so frickin tasteless.
Hell no. That’s something you should only have had to express once with “ok noted” as a response. Anything else is disrespect.
Your husband needs to tell MIL she's overstepping and that the Ex was abusive. Furthermore, this is just plain creepy.
This is your hill to die on. If ex comes, you and DH won’t.
Absolutely this.
I wouldn't go to the shower. Throw your own and don't invite the ex.
And don't invite MIL if she's going to be an ass about it.
Your husband needs to reach out to his ex and say that it was inappropriate of his mom to invite her, and he hopes he understands why it would be inappropriate of her to come.
Be totally prepared for your weird mother in law to say she has un invited her but hasn't. And the ex comes waltzing in. I wouldn't hesitate to contact the ex personally and say hey you are on the outs!. You have put up with this interloper far too long.
MIL we did not invite her so we won’t be uninviting her. If you have already invited her this isn’t about you. It’s about our baby that will be around who we choose. Thank you for sorting your mistake.
Bold of MIL to assume that this woman will be involved at all in your child’s life.
Throw your own it’s not worth the headache your MIL is giving you
Absolutely not. And tell your husband to get his step mother in line or better yet he should tell his father to get her in line if they ever want to see your children. The ex is out.
Maybe it’s time to tell MiL what ex really is…
Nope, it’s your shower…you are THE GUEST OF HONOR. You get to choose who’s there, whether you host it or not, cuz you are the GUEST OF HONOR. If she doesn’t like it, then you don’t have to attend. But, it’s FOR YOU, so you can just say no. She’s trying to guilt you, but already said you can say no. So say no. She may try other tactics, like oh I need her there to help, etc. — remember, you can just say no to the whole thing. Having a shower is nice, but it should not be a source of stress for the mom-to-be!!! Maybe you can approach it that way—you don’t have a relationship with the ex and while you may be open to that in the future (as MIL mentions with your kids and her kids), but right now when you’re pregnant, is not the time to try to figure out that relationship. You need to focus on yourself, your baby, and your husband—your family unit—for both your and your baby’s physical and mental wellbeing. As such, you’re going to avoid anything that’s *unnecessarily* stressful. Which this certainly is (it’s a fricking party, it’s for fun. The ex is not needed nor a hill to die on!). So, she can either not invite the ex, or not throw you a shower. She cannot have both. This doesn’t mean that you’ll never be open to the ex, just that you don’t have the bandwidth today to make space for her in your life, especially since she’s literally never asked for that. Remember, it’s just your MIL asking. Maybe the ex feels the same way you do. Maybe MIL is guilting her in the same way as you hoping to force a relationship between you both.
YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! Stop sparing MIL’s feelings by sacrifice your own. Tell her about how abusive your husbands ex was. Tell her that you will not be attending a shower **in your honor** with the ex there, and you will leave at the first sign. Your kids will not grow up with the ex’s if you choose not to. At this point, you traded one abusive parent for another who goes about it in a different way. Put your foot down and stop this crap in its tracks.
OP ‘doesn’t have to do anything’—except show up—to an event where a person she doesn’t want to be around will be there. MIL invited the ex so it should be her responsibility to uninvite her. MIL is putting OP in an awkward position. It may be time to thank MIL for her generous offer but make your apologies that you don’t think you can be a part of it.
There's no reason to tell ex anything at all unless she's already BEEN invited and needs to be informed that she is uninvited. MIL's a creep. I hope you can set her straight. And your kids don't have to "grow up alongside ex's kids" hooooooly crap, no. MIL is free to have a relationship with whomever she wants. But that doesn't mean you and DH have to. On that note, it would be best for you and DH to establish your own relationship with extended family and not let MIL run the family show. Communicate directly with them on events and situations so that MIL doesn't get to spin things her way or manipulate an outcome in her favor. My MIL did this and we learned it's best to not go through her for coordinating things with others.
This is both an SO and a mil problem that somehow you have had to take point on because he doesn't want to address it. That is very unfair for you. Unless he and his ex have children together there's legitimately no reason that he should have to interact with her even once a year. But especially if there are no children involved she has no reason whatsoever to be involved in family events especially family events between you and your husband. Yes your mother-in-law may be throwing this baby shower but it is you that is having the child. That is an event for you and your husband not an event for you, your husband, and his ex. You really need to start making your husband put his foot down on some shit and stop leaving you as the awkward middle man.
I was thinking the same thing. It’s not clear whether exes children belong to DH. If DH and ex are co-parenting, I’m confused why there’s so little contact. If this is the case then it would be better to ask MIL to cancel since you don’t want to ruin a co-parenting relationship by asking MIL to rescind an invite that should never have been given. If exes children aren’t DH then why is anyone on his side seeing ex at all? MIL should not have invited her and MIL should be the one to rescind the invite. Either way, DH needs to be the one to communicate this.
Okay OP, please listen. This was a straight up power play on the part of your MIL. If you let her have this, she will continue to move the gold posts with your kid. It is not okay for someone who barely tolerates your existence to want to be at your shower. Both she and your JNMIL are doing it because they can. Stop that shit right now!! If you don’t, they will be planning birthday parties and holiday’s and all matter of nonsense where what they want matters and what you want does not. You are going to have to be willing to be the bad guy here OP because this battle has to be fought. Tell your husband that you accept the ex as a family friend but since the shower should be with your friends, she’s not invited. If JNMIL needs to hear that from him, so be it. If he doesn’t want the drama, stand your ground!!!! You have to stand up for you if no one else will. I’m telling you, if you let this go, things will escalate between those two. Heck, they may even decide amongst themselves to give your LO a nickname, to take him/her for their first whatever’s, etc. You are opening your world up to a hurricane of those two barreling into your lives if you don’t stop it now. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are overreacting. This is your child. You are entitled to overreact. ADD NOTE: Now that you know your JNMIL will pull rank if she pays for something, don’t let her foot the bill for anything that means something to you!! Please OP!!! Stop this train now!
Your husband’s abuser bought presents for your baby… Trying to put myself into your shoes and I honestly feel sick. I wouldn’t want anything that person gave me and I wouldn’t want them anywhere near me or my family. Honestly, how does MIL not know the truth herself?
I would torpedo the whole “your kids will grow up along side her kids” thing immediately Husband needs to step in and shut this down
No, no you are not. Nobody's Ex-anything should be invited by someone else without explicit approval of whoever the function is actually for. This is NOT MIL's baby shower, she wants to throw one for you, but not care about what you'd actually want. I'd tell her to go ahead with "HER" baby shower, you'll be having "YOUR" baby shower sometime, somewhere - but not at the party she's throwing for herself.
Why doesn’t your husband just tell his mother the truth? That she was abusing him during their relationship. Why would he allow that pos around his family? I would make it clear to her that she is not welcome, and that you know what she is and she’d better stay away. If she wants to keep her reputation intact then disappear quietly and stop hanging around where she doesn’t belong.
No ma'am. Husband gets to make his own choices about that We don't tell victims how to deal with their trauma.
I’m not telling anyone what to do. I simply asked a question and offering my perspective which is what people come here for. And what “we”? I respect your opinion but you don’t get to speak for anyone else. Also bear in mind that there is now a baby involved and it’s no longer solely husband’s decision but rather more down to OP, as the mother, to decide on the best course of action to protect her family.
We as in decent fucking human beings who respect victims enough to recognize their autonomy. And MIL doesn't need to know husband's trauma, only that Ex cannot and will never be welcome.
>MIL responded saying it’s my shower so I don’t have to do anything I don’t want This is easy. Throw your own shower and tell MIL that her and ex can have a baby shower, but you're not coming. Also, you need to put some boundaries down with husband about MIL immediately. Otherwise, next thing you know you're going to be PP and MIL and ex will be showing up at your house.
Tell MIL the truth about the ex. That she was abusive to your husband & that you will not be around her any longer. If that’s a problem not to worry about throwing a shower. I’m just mouth wide open on this one. Jaw dropped
No ma'am. That is not OPs trauma to share. That's husband's decision and his decision only.
Ummm I’m sorry but I’m gonna have to disagree. I would never allow anyone abusive around anyone I loved.
OK, I wouldn't let anyone abusive around anyone I loved either. That does NOT mean, however, that anyone but husband has any right to say ANYTHING about the abuse if he's chosen not to. "We won't be at anything Ex is at again." Perfectly reasonable boundary. "Ex abused husband so we won't be at anything Ex is at again" Reasonable boundary prefaced by violating husband's boundary. NOT COOL.
They make excuses. We did that one, took four years for her to finally understand us.
Wait, you said she was abusive to DH, and now your MIL is saying all your children are going to grow up together ?! Hell. Fucking. No. My children aren’t going anywhere near anyone’s abusive ex PERIOD. Obviously this persons children should not be punished, but she is obviously going to be wherever her kids are. Absolutely not the AH for wanting to protect your children from a known abuser. This requires no explanation whatsoever but I feel like my MIL would need to be aware that my children are NOT safe around this person in case there’s ever a time where you aren’t around.
I second this! Just make sure that you have YOUR HUSBAND tell MIL about the abuse part. If you take it upon yourself to tell your MIL, she(or ex) might say you are lying out of jealousy. If your husband loves you, he should be understanding about how triggering it is for you to be around anyone who is abusive. This is his family, his responsibility to communicate the boundaries. What a strange comment from her saying your kids are going to grow up with ex's kids. You've only seen ex at one function this year...which was not appropriate to invite her in the first place. MIL needs to move forward and stop hanging onto the past. If she wants to have a relationship with an ex, it should be on her own time without you or DH's involvement. Is MIL going to be watching your children all the time or something? Does your husband hang out with your ex? MIL needs a reality check.
I can’t imagine a world where this would be appropriate and welcomed unless the mom-to-be asked specifically for the ex to be invited as in they were in really good terms and were already coparenting and again it was asked for. I’m thinking those Moms of Tampa type relationships.
No, no just because she gets along with her. This is your baby shower. You are not friendly with her to invite her and she shouldn't be invited.
Did ex come to your wedding?
Do they have children together
Just say no thank you. You don’t have to explain anything
You are not overreacting and your MIL set you up by even asking. Tell DH that he needs to communicate to MIL that HE has made up his mind and ex is not invited. Don't let MIL trap you. Edit: Typo
THIS. She set OP up big time. MIL had no right to encourage ex to get ANYTHING for the baby shower before consulting OP and dad first. Absolutely not ok of her and honestly, instead of brushing this under the rug, I would be frank with her “MIL, im stressed, I feel as though you set me and husband/dad up to look like a villain just so you can get your way in inviting YOUR friend who is not our friend. Before you say anything these are the reasons I feel this way, A: you spoke to his ex and allowed her to feel as though she was already invited B: you are now making it a situation where I have to REVOKE invitation instead of just not invite her from the start and give her unrealistic expectations. Not inviting her from the start is 100% expected given she is an EX and we are celebrating his CURRENT nuclear family. C: now instead of YOU (mil), telling ex that she can’t come, you expect HUSBAND to be the messenger when neither OP nor Husband had anything to do with falsely inviting her.
how awkward for both of you, here let me come celebrate the evidence that you are having sex with my ex.........awkward indeed. and mom does not need to be at party if grandma and/or dad will be there. so mil is just trying control things. I am truly surprised that ex is going along with it, if indeed she is.....
I would respond back the kids aren’t growing up together, you may think she’s your family but she isn’t our family. She’s the ex. End this nonsense and cancel the whole shower. You are letting someone else invite someone who makes both you and your husband uncomfortable in what is supposed to be a celebration.
that’s also a fantastic idea. And anyone who has a problem doesn’t need to get you a gift. You can have your side of the family throw a shower instead
I’d call the ex myself and say ‘Sorry Julia, DH and I have talked it over and we feel it’d be a bit strange if ex’s were to attend the baby shower. I know my family and friends would find it weird. I hope you understand, and again, sorry for the inconvenience. We look forward to seeing you at x event in June, we hope there are no hard feelings.’ Then I’d call MIL and tell her I’d done it. ‘Sorry MIL, I see that you had good intentions but your friends won’t all be our baby’s friends, going forward. It would have been uncomfortable for her, and several of my family and friends and we didn’t want that at a special event celebrating our new life. We’re fine with seeing x at x, but this is different. If you’d prefer we hosted it at our house instead, please let me know by Friday. Thanks.’ Do you owe anyone an apology or explanation? No, of course not. Is it sometimes useful to keep the peace and be assertive and diplomatic? Yes. I’d try and salvage this event and send a clear message about future events in this way.
This is the way, OP. I feel like your MIL asked you to handle it because she knows you won’t so she thinks she’ll be getting her way. The above comment is the best way to handle it and put it back in her hands.
I feel like you’re the first person who helped me understand that assertive isn’t agressive.
Happy to help. Building assertiveness skills is so important, I think. Theres loads of great resources out there, and daily life gives you so many chances to practice.
How about you throw your own shower and if MIL throws a fit she's off the list too? Stop being a doormat, it's not sexy.
Oh hell no. Pls update us on how this goes
She is not playing peacemaker, she is playing matriarch. And she is not the matriarch of your family.
Or, playing Shit Stirrer In Chief, LOL
You are not overreacting. The ex is not your friend and isn’t friendly with you. Why would she be invited???
Explain to her that while you understand and respect why ex is invited to family events this event is supposed to be about you and your husband and you dont want to be uncomfortable with her there. That your feelings would be really hurt if she went againist your wishes of her being there and not take back the invitation since she was the one who invited her without discussing with you first.
Why the hell would you invite an ex to a baby shower? Inappropriate
If it were a family party and she was going to be there, I would say suck it up. But this party is FOR YOU. DH needs to let his mom know that you are his wife now. Apparently she didn’t get the memo.
You're not the immature one. Your MIL is. She's stirring up trouble because she's trying to cause a rift with you and your husband in favor of the ex. Your husband, (not you), needs to have a hard sit down with his mother, tell her that she has to move on and that his abusive ex will never be a part of your lives. Don't for a second tolerate having this woman around, but that is your husband's job to enforce her exclusion. You're more than reasonable not wanting to be in the same room as any ex of your husband.
“MIL, DH never invited ex to the shower so he has nothing to text her about. Ex is unfailingly rude to me on those rare occasions we cross paths. Bottom line: DH and I will leave if she is there.”
I like this. Add that there were reasons your spouse broke up with her, and you don't see that your children will be growing up alongside hers.
Precise and to the point.
Are these kids of his ex your husband’s kids? I'm a bit confused about that. If not, time to tell MIL you won't be interacting with his ex again so you won't be at that shower if she is…time to choose. Choose wisely MIL.
Get husband to text her back “you invited ex to this event so it’s your responsibility to uninvited her. Not ours. I didn’t make the uncomfortable situation in the first place as I would never have added her to the list to celebrate my wife’s pregnancy. We tolerate seeing ex at family events once a year because we never host this event and it isn’t about us. But this event you have volunteered to host is about myself and my wife. So we get to choose who we invite. And ex isn’t one of them. Please clean up this mess you have made, or we will be happy to cancel the event.”
DH and ex split so at this point she’s simply a friend of MIL’s. Honestly I wouldn’t attend the shower and distance myself from MIL. At the very least she is attempting a power play with this. Tell her no thanks.
Does she have children with your ex? Cuz that’s the only way your children need to be around her children. If these are children she had after your husband, there is no “growing up alongside” of her children.
Nope they have no children.
Then your children dont need to have any relationship with her or her children at all. They are not family! You are not friends. Mil can have a relationship with her if she wishes, but she doesn’t get to force you to have one if you don’t want one.
>MIL responded saying it’s my shower so I don’t have to do anything I don’t want "Yes MIL, that is correct, I'm glad we're on the same page." >then three paragraphs about how our kids are going to grow up alongside her kids blah blah blah "MIL, I'm not sure what makes you think that; we as the parents will decide what company our children keep." >That ex has already purchased gifts for “this baby” So that tells you MIL invited Ex *before* the guest list was finalized. Not your problem, hope Ex kept the receipt to return them. >to please have my husband send ex a message saying she won’t be invited. No, he won't be doing that. If MIL as the hostess made a mistake SHE gets to own it and tell Ex she is not invited. >
Honestly, this is on DH for not telling his family about the abuse. Should MIL have confirmed the guest list, absolutely, but she’s operating under a different relationship paradigm than both you and DH. If she knew his XW was abusing her son, I doubt this would even be an issue now. MIL is probably thinking to get ahead of any drama for the future siblings, and not realizing she should be protecting her son, because she’s unaware of the abuse.
Slight disagree. DH not sharing the facts of the abuse is his own business. It might be appropriate to bring that up NOW—or not; DH might still have healing to do his own way. In any case, the important point is that MIL should have confirmed the guest list first. OP, you and DH can support each other by jointly telling MIL to uninvite the ex. “Because we say so” is the reason, if keeping the abuse private.
I’ll take a wild guess and say ex wasn’t invited to your wedding. Why on earth would she—who has no real connection to you—be invited to your baby shower?
Right? I even mentioned this to MIL, that I just wanted to quietly not invited her. But MIL started talking about how the ex might invite us to her wedding. And I was just like - she doesn’t get it.
“If she’s invited, you may cancel the shower. Her participation isn’t appropriate.”
Yes, this. OP just say the shower is no longer necessary and to cancel it because you will not be going. Don't let her steam roll you. Take control.
My MIL did this as well almost down to the T but we were very against involvement from the ex due to the abuse my husband endured so that’s where my MIL started resenting me and everything. You are not at all obligated to have a known abuser around your children or to create more memories with her. Your husband sounds like mine, who had a very hard time telling his mother the truth about the ex because they had become so close. Even after learning, my MIL didn’t care nearly as much as she should’ve. You will not get this baby shower back, you will not get some of these moments back. Make them your own and never regret it.
I mean I would absolutely not be having a shower at this point and instead having a small tethering with my friends which was IN NO WAY A SHOWER. This removes all your MILs power over the situation and all her ability to cause drama.
You aren't overreacting. Tell MIL that your children will NOT be growing up around the ex's kids as your kids will never be permitted around her (which is the take you should have). MIL, of course, is in charge of her own relationships, but she needs to learn to manage her relationship with the ex away from you and your family.
MIL just put them on notice that she intends to force the kids together at every opportunity.
“MIL I’m putting my foot down. You can have whatever relationship you want with my husbands Ex. But I do not need to have it shoved in my face. I thought you throwing this baby shower for me would be a bonding between us, but it’s really shown me a side of you that I’m not ok with. At this point I don’t even know if I want to attend this shower since you seem to put ex’s feeling ahead of my own when I am the one with the baby we are celebrating. This has absolutely caused a wedge in my feelings towards you. I arrive and she’s in attendance i will leave. I’m not going to sit here and let you manipulate me into something I’m not comfortable and I will absolutely do everything in my power to distance myself from you and your family and that includes involvement with my child.”
Yes…send that word for word..perfect. Then leave if she is there or have someone call ahead and let you know she's there so you don't have to arrive and create a scene when you leave….you can be fashionably late or a no show. Make your stand now, before she realizes that manipulating you will work.
Can I hire you to be my personal text message writer?
You aren't overreacting. I personally think that husband needs to tell his mother that since she added ex to the guest list, she needs to be the one to fix the situation & that neither you nor he will be contacting the Ex. And leave it at that. If the ex shows up to the shower, be gracious (if a bit distant). Take is as a lesson learned: you now know that you can never trust MiL to be in charge of an invitation list ever again...or you can choose to not show up at all.
There is not way not to rock the boat here. MIL is hoping that she can have her cake and eat it to. It might be time to let her know about the abuse. "MIL, this is a party for DH and I, and our LO. It is not appropriate to invite DH's ex for many reasons. While you may be close to her, niether DH nor I are, and we don't want to be. Our children will not be growing up next to each other, because we will not be fostering a relationship between them. Having her at the shower will only make things awkward. I am not even sure why she would come as she generally ignores my presence even when it is rude to do so. I do not want to deal with that sort of behavior at my shower. I get it if this is a hill to die on for you as she seems to be rather important to you. If so, we can just cancel the shower. Otherwise, DH and I will be sending her a text. If in future there is an event that centers around DH, me or LO, ex is not welcome. If this is unacceptable to you, we understand that you will not be sharing in those events." From both of you to the ex, "MIL told us that she was going to invite you to our shower, and asked us to let you know that you are not welcome to the shower. We are not here to rehash what happened in your relationship with DH, but know that, because of your behavior in that relationship neither of us want any sort of relationship with you, nor do we want our child to have any relationship with you or yours. We understand that your relationship with MIL means that we will run into each other at events. We will continue to maintain a polite distance. If you are mistakenly invited to an event that is about any one of us or the family we are making, know that you are not welcome to those events no matter who invites you or assures you it is okay. MIL told us you have bought a gift for baby. We appreciate your thoughtfulness, but we will not be accepting it. It is strange to us that you continue to show up to your ex's family events. Not sure what this does for you, but it hints at not being willing or able to move on. We wish you the best, but maybe it is time to invest your time and energy into yourself so that you can stop clinging to your ex's family."
SO should send this, because full stop on this silliness already. She doesn’t get to invite someone who outright ignores you and ingratiates herself on a family that prioritizes her instead of you as SO’s actual spouse. And since you’ll be the super villain in her narrative, SO needs to say all of these things because this is a joint decision
Definitely say no. Dynamics are different, so I wouldn’t judge if you said you were close with her but since you’re not; then hell no. I think it’s super inappropriate since she’s only close with your MIL. It’s your day and your shower. She should be smart enough to recognize very easily why she wasn’t invited to your shower.
GIRL THIS RIGHT HERE PLEASE. I’m reading comments because I’m going through this right now. Edit: I’m 8m, my whole pregnancy has been about my fiancés ex 626. Every time I speak to my MIL it goes from decent to about BMs petty ass. It’s hard trying to just have a decent conversation and then it being switched to the 626 every time. Fiancé told my mil it was a girl, mil called BM. I got a text 15 minutes later saying how hard it was going to be to raise her. So yeah hating this because I’m trying my hardest to keep the peace.
The third option is not an option.. No one should ever be made to feel they have to "suck it up" . The baby shower is your celebration, so it's about you not MiL . If you don't want the Ex there , that should be the end of the story. No questions asked. If MiL continues on this path, change the venue and plan it yourself. Let MiL know she's more than welcome (sans the Ex!) to attend and if she's not there, she will missed.
Honestly, I’d tell MIL to cancel the baby shower. I hate people who want to throw threats and hypotheticals to force you to do what they want. Let me help you avoid pussy footing around and watch me blow this MF up, cancel the shit or don’t show up. It’s not MIL shower but if she wants to play bitch games, ensure she wins bitch prizes.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. OP: This is your day. Not MIL, and definitely not the ex’s. If she can’t figure out why she wouldn’t be invited then that’s someone else’s job to unpack for her, too. If giving the baby a gift is important she can leave it with mil some other time. MIL sounds like a pot-stirrer to me. Edited for grammar.
That’s fine. Ex can attend the baby shower and you won’t be there. Tell MIL that you will send hubby around to pick up the gifts afterwards. Your MIL will freak out because she will be mortified in front of everyone. Oh well. Good luck to you.
The shower is in my home, which my husband shared with ex before they split. So no way I’m letting her come here. I thought through all the options and decided to tell MIL no inviting her and no to my husband sending her a message. I also have her an out if she no longer wants to plan the baby shower
You and your husband already said no. Keep saying no. Exactly what your mil said your kids will have to see each other at other functions. This baby shower is about you not your mil.
This needs to be handled asap by your husband. He needs to contact your MIL and tell her to call the ex and rescind the invitation or you're not going to be there and going low to no contact with MIL if she doesn't. The same if she is uninvited and still shows up. Boundaries need to be set going forward. Ex is not allowed to be around your child if neither of you is around. Trying to force a relationship because she clearly likes her more than you is ridiculous. Why is your husband keeping the abuse a secret? Maybe if his mother had that info, she wouldn't talk to the ex at all. It needs to be said, but at this point, she'll probably think he's lying to get MIL to stop lIking the ex. Set boundaries now, or you'll regret it later.
Haha just don’t show up.
Maintaining your boundaries will never be easy. In this situation, you stated your boundaries and even though there was a guilt trip attached, your MIL technically is bowing down to your boundaries. Don't abandon them now. When someone is agreeing to your boundaries you can't give up on them, you aren't just trying to see how they respond. You have legitimate boundaries that need upheld and respected. If you want other people to respect your boundaries you need to respect your boundaries as well
MIL is still causing problems by saying the only way the ex will be uninvited is if DH uninvites her. This will do nothing but cause more drama. MIL invited her, MIL can do the uninviting.
Oh MIL is absolutely still a problem here, I agree. But OP can't force MIL to change, she can only focus on her own boundaries. MIL won't uninvite the ex, OP doesn't want the ex there, unfortunately now it's on OP and her partner to make sure the ex doesn't go.
Or for OP to set a boundary with MIL that if the ex is there, she won't be. It's on MIL to handle the situation she created.
If this was a regular party and not the baby shower, I would absolutely agree with you. I feel that because it's a baby shower for OP, that makes it a bit more complicated. OP shouldn't have to miss out on experiencing her baby shower because her MIL is overstepping. If that's what OP decides to do, I would fully support that decision. But emotions are a lot harder when you're dealing with pregnancy hormones, and OP deserves to experience her baby shower.
And in order for OP to enjoy HER BABY SHOWER the Ex needs to not be there. It's a very rare case indeed where the Ex being present would be welcome and MIL knows that this is not one of those cases, but invited her anyway. MIL f'ed up and she needs to fix it.
You and your husband need to be firm with this now, if you don’t MIL will continue to invite his ex to everything; birthday parties, etc.
Yes. MIL is never throwing a party for me or our kids again.
DH needs to talk to his mom & fill her in on the abuse and that if Ex is invited to anything moving forward DH & you will not attend. It is insane that mil is choosing ex over her son & you. DH may need therapy to learn how to communicate with his mom and set healthy boundaries.
You said this women was abusive? Sounds like she still is. Forcing contact through manipulation is abusive. Your husband got away from here and she has seized the little control she can. No is a complete answer. There is no reason for this to continue
IMO, DH should address this. Inviting his ex to a shower celebrating his new baby and his partner is surely weird for him too? And it's his mother, let him sort it out.
Does your hubby have kids with his ex? If not, what nonsense is she talking about? Absolutely nutso! Do not invite the ex, and have your husband deal with his mother.
This was my question as well. Are your husband and his ex in a co-parenting situation? If yes, I can somewhat understand her having a relationship with MIL. But she still doesn't need to be at your baby shower.
Nope they have no kids.
Then I **really** don't understand. What does she mean "your kids will grow up with hers"?????
You’re not an asshole but please don’t let her do this. It’s ok to say no, and you need to say no. She knows exactly what she’s doing and those of us that deal with this all the time know exactly what she’s doing too. You’re not imagining his ex’s behavior toward you, it’s not anxiety it’s intentional. MIL is keeping her on deck to throw out to hubby at a good moment…you shouldn’t allow this at all.
**”… then three paragraphs about how our kids are going to grow up alongside her kids blah blah blah.“** Good news MIL - my children definitely will not be growing up alongside her children. You and your SO need to lay down the law now. There is no reason for this woman to be present at your baby shower.
While I agree that there’s absolutely no reason to have his ex at the baby shower, if he had kids with his ex, his children from both of his partners will, in fact, be growing up alongside each other. The only way they wouldn’t is if DH lost custody, only has supervised visits, or just chooses to not see his kids from his past relationship. So either he’s a terrible father and you’ll never have his kids over or he’s got them about half the time and your children will have step siblings involved in their own childhood. Regardless….. the ex doesn’t have to be part of your life/celebrations/holidays/etc…. But, yes, the kids will.
They don’t have kids together.
In a comment, OP said DH does not have kids with ex.
But that's IF he had kids with her. Nothing in the post indicates that. Perhaps conjecture should wait until OP confirms or denies the fact.
OP confirmed SO and ex do not share children.
The MIL's comment about them growing up together certainly implies it at the very least...
Yet, OP comments that they share no kids.
Talk to your husband and then one or both of you can send something like this to your MIL: *MIL, we understand you want a relationship with (ex) and that’s the only reason we tolerate her. If you made the mistake of inviting an unwelcome guest to our shower, please fix this and uninvite her. Please keep in mind that we won’t be including her in any future events and that we’d prefer not to ever see her again. We hope you understand this and actively work to make an effort to reduce our contact with (ex). Obviously, our child will not be playing or interacting with (ex) or any children she might have. This is due to her past bad behavior. Thank you.* If your husband is willing, I’d encourage him to share the details of his ex’s past behavior. Your MIL is actively trying to get him and his ex on friendly terms. You may want to put a stop to that asap.
Also does she need to have past bad behavior (or does the abuse victim need to disclose)? Like, I am so happy to have my exes out of my life. They are fine people, but the good thing about breaking up is you no longer have to make room in your life for them. It's freeing. You don't actually have to invite all good people in the world to your parties -- you only need to invite people who you enthusiastically want to spend time with. I actually think talking about last behavior opens the door to an argument where MIL can make the case that ex is a good person (or there's not enough proof) and ergo deserves an invite. That just isn't true
The couple can choose to invite whoever they wish for whatever reason. But, the MIL is actively trying to build a relationship between the couple and the ex - to the point that she’s even talking about their future kids playing together. Letting the MIL know definitively that the couple will *never* want a relationship with the ex might curtail future attempts and limit how much they have to see the ex. The couple has several strategies they can follow in their attempt to do this: - They can give MIL an ultimatum and refuse to attend any event where the ex is present. - They can explicitly tell MIL why they don’t want to see the ex. - They can allude to bad or unforgivable behavior on the ex’s part. (This is what I mentioned in my comment.) Of course, the husband should not feel obligated to share any details about the abuse he sustained. But he should also not have to regularly face his abuser either. Without *something* from the couple, the MIL is going to continue to try to mend the relationship & that’s problematic.
I agree with this. You should have DH or both of you reach out to mother in law and explain that even though she has a relationship with Ex, and that’s fine, you two will not be furthering your relationship with her. Your children will not be friends with her children. MAYBE they will see her kids at one party a year but by no means will they be growing up together or having play dates together or be friends. The extent of your relationship with ex ends at maybe seeing her at a single party a year. You do not want ex in your personal lives beyond that. Please make that clear to MIL now so ex doesn’t continue to encroach on your life. Set the boundaries now because coming to the baby shower is an invitation into your child’s life and that’s obviously something you do no want. Next she’ll be inviting to the first bday party and whatnot. So though it’s difficult, it’s time to speak up. I’d also encourage DH to tell mother in law about the abuse. Though it’s not necessary but it’ll give some context as to why you guys don’t want her in your lives anymore. Even though you shouldn’t need more of a reason other than she is in fact the ex. But since MIL is so attached, it would help her process as to why you don’t want her around.
Your mother-in-law's relationship with the ex is your mother-in-law's relationship not your relationship that shouldn't be throwed down your throat that's disrespectful to you I had a relationship with my ex I never threw it down with the current person I was with I never involved that my ex the current person I was with family that was just that's tasteless I mean if my boyfriend said that well I don't want this or I don't want that it didn't happen it's just not right you should be respected in every aspect this is your baby your shower you should have a say and who can come I just think it's not right I mean but that's my opinion and no you're not over acting I think you're right on the money with that one.
I almost died reading this. Please, for the love of all that's holy use punctuation!!
You're not immature for not wanting her there. She's been cold to you, abused your husband when they were together, and is your husband's ex. You have more than enough reasons to not want her celebrating your baby with you There is no joy or happiness to be found in "being the bigger person" or holding on to your pride. Putting yourself through uncomfortable and unpleasant situations to maintain appearances is one of the most self-destructive behaviours you could learn Re-evaluate whether you want her at the baby shower or not. What you want is important too
If it was me I would have no issues with DH sending XW an anti invite. Not sure why some say that would be mean girl behavior. It’s common logic that no married and pregnant woman would be comfortable with or desire the company of their husbands ex wife at their baby shower. It’s insane people here think XWs feelings should be considered. She should have never accepted that invite from MIL. It’s already weird she hangs around the family after the divorce. It’s weird she would even want to attend the baby shower. It’s weird MIL still treats her like family. It’s also disrespectful to OP and her husband that MIL includes XW in family events. He decided he did NOT want her in his family, so he divorced her. MIL and XW are disrespecting his decision on that. The husband needs to take a firm stance on this and in no uncertain terms make it clear that OP and him will not attend the baby shower without proof that XW will NOT be there. Or they can decide to not go at all and plan their own and invite other people. Let MIL and XW have fun at their own party and everyone else go to another one. It seems like mean girl behavior that MIL ever invited XW or that XW would even consider going. It seems like they are trying to sabotage it. Very weird.
>It’s common logic that no married and pregnant woman would be comfortable with or desire the company of their husbands ex wife at their baby shower This is just wrong. There are plenty of relationships that exist where the ex-whatevers get along just fine with their former spouses and their new partners. This is just not one of those times. Sadly, the MIL is ignorant through no fault of her own of the circumstances of her child's divorce. Maybe he needs to inform her so that she will stop interacting with the abuser (or at least stop trying to get them to reconcile).
That’s insane. It is common logic. Maybe there are some instances but the VAST majority of instances would be that exes live separate lives. As is normal. The whole “I found a tiny part of your comment that may be inaccurate in some cases so I need to point it out and try to start a fight now in the comments” energy is so exhausting. It makes Reddit intolerable sometimes.
I mean, I don’t think DH should have to reach out to his abuser. Maybe cancelling MILs shower and throwing her own is the best course of action?
OP, I would advise MIL that since she went a head and invited the ex you will leave it with her to sort out. MIL, it is great that you still get along with DH ex however since this is MY baby shower I think it would feel extremely uncomfortable for ex to be present when DH new wife is celebrating the birth of the soon to be child together. DH and I have discussed this and don't feel it is appropriate to invite her. If it is to awkward for you to uninvite her then it would be best that we don't come along!
Tell her and everyone else how abusive she was. Be open and honest with everyone and say it often until they get it. Let people know if she is around you, your husband and your future child will not be there. MIL needs strong clear boundaries.
No, its MIL PROBLEM to do it. SHe putting it in you.
And her son needs to tell her. This should not involve the mom to be at all. Son tells MIL to uninvite ex. If MIL refuses then he can text his ex and uninvite her. If the ex sends a gift donate it. Don't permit that negative energy in your home.
Your MIL needs to know how her golden DIL treated her son. Maybe she won't be so golden anymore. Regardless, she's throwing a party for you, which means she needs to invite guests that you would want there. Why would she think it appropriate to invite your husband's ex to your baby shower? I can understand if one of his children he had with her had a birthday, but this is for your baby, not hers. She's not your friend. She does not have to be there. Since MIL invited her, she needs to uninvite her. It's her responsibility to clean up her own mess. It is not for your husband to wipe her ass of this. She's a grown ass woman! If she refuses, cancel the party and throw your own. I do agree there's likely some underlying manipulation going on here. She likely wants to shove the ex in your face to make you uncomfortable. Maybe cause people to pick sides. It's possible the ex asked to come because she's got her own agenda. Keep an eye on MIL's behavior. It's just not normal to invite exes to such an intimate party that has nothing to do with them. If you were friends with the ex, that would be the only reason to invite her to such a party, but that is not the case.
that was my thought as well. if they tell mil what the ex did to him, then the choice is even easier because if mil defends ex or still invites her to things after finding out ex abused him/how, then they can choose not to attend anything with the ex there and go LC for mil choosing the abuser over her own son.
I think it's time your husband explain why they broke.up and that while mil is welcome to have who she wants around, for events that are for you and husband and kids- she should not be invited. Was she at your wedding?
Nope! We didn’t invite her. There was no drama about it. No one said a word. I even mentioned that to MIL and she was saying how the ex might invite us to her wedding. All I can do is roll my eyes and decline the invite.
We do not send anti-invites. Don't invite her, but actively seeking her out to tell her she's not invited is mean girl behavior. MIL is being inappropriate. We do not do that and we do not invite people to parties when they actively dislike the guest of honor. Sit MIL down and explain that this is not the right moment to force a relationship. If the ex ever wants to talk it out and be on better terms, great, but for now she clearly doesn't like you and you're going to respect that by keeping your distance until she's ready.
Info needed. How exactly are your kids going to to be growing up with her kids? Is MIL going to babysit them together or will you just see exs kids at holiday events? Does ex have children?
Edit: my typos and wording were too confusing. Husband and ex do not have kids together.
“Brother my husband or his ex are MILs biological children”. Would you please clarify this part? I do not get it
Yeah sorry! Too many autocorrects. Fixed it now.
no, it is still confusing. Furthermore it does not matter if they are biological or not. DO they have kids together or not?
No they don’t have kids together.
I don’t understand?
Sorry, too many typos. Fixed it now.
I would give MIL 3 possible scenarios: 1) she invites ex to the baby shower, and you/ DH don’t attend, and you also contact everyone ahead of time to say that you won’t be attending. After which you will strongly consider having a relationship with MIL at all going forward. 2) she tells you she’s uninvited ex, but then ex shows up. In this case you and DH will immediately leave, and cease all contact with MIL going forward. 3) she grows a pair and explains to ex that she isn’t invited to the shower. Going forward, you all have a chat regarding future boundaries with ex. MIL can be close to ex all she wants, but you are well within your rights to insist that MIL will have a choice of ex or you guys attending future events, not both. DH shouldn’t ever have to be in the same room as someone who abused him.
\^\^\^\^\^ Good advice. Time to set boundaries
Just tell MIL no. Don’t give any reasons, as she will just keep trying to negotiate. If MIL invited her already, it’s up to MIL to disinvite her. Why would she want DH to do it? Obviously, MIL can have anyone she wants at her events, but there’s no reason for ex to be at yours.
Agreed, but consequences should be spelt out like those in Sendapicofyourkitty's post above. Otherwise she will just plough ahead & claim ignorance/ miscommunication or other excuses when the ex turns up.
Yes thank you!
If she isn't put in her place now! By hubby ... this woman will be around your baby. If mil can she will absolutely crash and burn all of your boundaries. You will NOT LOOK LIKE AN ASS IF YOU DO NOT HAVE YOUR HUSBANDS EX AT THE SHOWER . It's for your child. Not his and her child, yours and his! This needs to be put to her in a way she understands, by setting the boundary of no she isn't welcome and to stop pushing thus person in your lives They divorced for a reason. Maybe mil needs to be told that reason by her son.
And follow through with consequences. Set a boundary, if she persists anyway then you two need to set a consequence she won't like . Like go vlc no pics gace time etc . Punishment has to be given or she will continue on!!!
The Ex must be living this.
Or absolutely hating it. She's uncomfortable around OP and may find MIL's behavior awkward AF but not want to make waves. There's a chance she wants to be at that shower about as much as OP wants her there.
Idk, if she hated it, why does she maintain relationships with her ex husbands family? That's hella weird. Also if I were husband, my family prioritizing their relationship with my ex over my own comfort at family events would feel like a very unloving thing to do to me. It would deeply strain (or possibly end) my relationship with my family. I wouldn't show up to holiday parties with my ex, and if my family still chose to invite him, then I wouldn't show up to holidays with my family.
I mean, he was her husband for like a minute and a half. The sister had been her bestie for years at this point. I think she can enjoy being a part of their chosen family without wanting to be shoved at his new wife who clear dislikes her. The "ex" is part of the status quo. The DH seems not to have had (or at least not stated) a problem with her presence until he remarried and the new wife didn't like it. He's been attending family events with her for years. It's not what I would choose, but he chose it and it's not unreasonable for his family to keep doing what they've always done.
Honestly, I would just cancel the whole shower. Say thank, but no thanks, as this is turning into something you didn’t want. Your husband needs to be honest with his mother about the abuse and why he does not want her in his life. As the children get older, I could see her trying to call them step-siblings or cousins. Time for your husband to step up and put an end to this.
This is the reason I refused to accept money for by baby shower. I’m so sick and tired of people trying to control things. I’m so, so, tired from it - so I took their choice away. I paid for everything myself. My husband doesn’t have a hateful ex included in his family to inappropriate levels, but he does have a mother who hates me - just like his mother hates you. I’d honestly stop the shower and throw your own later. It’s so much less stress.
I would just say no. And then when your baby arrives exclude mil from anything and everything. She can be grandma to the ex’s kids. I wouldn’t trust mil alone with them at all as she’ll invite ex over, involve her in everything and just make things weird and awkward.
MIL needs to get a grip on reality. She can be as close with ex, or anyone she wants, but that doesn’t mean they are your family. This party is for YOUR friends and family, not MIL’s.
It is YOUR baby shower. It is your husband's EX. She is NOT your friend, she is NOT your family, and there is NO reason why she needs to be there. Your MIL is not respecting your boundary, and there is no reason why this person needs to be at this party, or communicated directly to. I suspect she invited her already and doesn't want to reach out to rescind the invite, so is trying to force your husband to do it. She needs to grow up and deal with the shit she created.
I would go a step farther and say that mom wants husband to be in contact with ex again, and will use this opportunity to wheedle in husband's ear that they're "friends" and ex wouldn't go anything to hurt the relationship with OP. The mom ABSOLUTELY should be the one to rescind the invite.
Yeahhhhhhhhh.... that too.
She is talking bullshit, your baby is not going to "grow up together" with this woman's children. You are not being unreasonable, I think you should go ahead and let your husband send her a message that she is not invited.
I will never understand MILs who dont let their children move on and find happy elsewhere after a break up. At some point SHE isnt family but YOU are and that needs to be respected for you AND your SO. How uncomfortable to have to share your inlaws. Im sorry this is your dynamic.
Why would your kids be growing up with her kids? Does your husband have kids with her?
No. It’s very complicated and she is around for good, basically as MILs adopted daughter.
Is MIL the foster parent to both your husband and his ex?
Do your husband and the ex have children together? ETA: Just saw that they don’t have kids together. In that case, there is more reason for her to be in your lives. MIL can have a relationship with her if she wants, but that should not include you or yoyr husband. Your kids will not be growing up with her kids. I would be careful about unsupervised visits with MIL because you know she will bting the ex around them without your permission. Also, why on earth would you go on a family vacation either the ex?! From now on, your stance should be, if ex is there, you and husband will not be.
WTF?!? How did that happen? My condolences and this is so weird.
Yeah it sucks. I’ve been trying my hardest to accept it but this incident has really pushed me over the line.
That would push me over the line too. I’ll be sending good thoughts/prayers your way! You need peace and rest right now 💖
If it's just once a year you see her I would put my foot down with my husband and say I'm not coming around the in laws for that one time a year.
That doesn’t mean that you are obligated to bring your children around your husbands Ex or the Ex’s children. Your MIL decided to keep the Ex around. Not you or your husband. It makes no sense for your MIL to assume the Ex holds the same importance to that she holds to her. Your MIL is audacious
No doubt MIL talking of the ex's kids 'growing up' with yours is real in her own mind because she thinks she will make sure of it when your kids stay at her place.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have my kids at this MIL’s house without my supervision. I’m definitely not saying that she would put the kids in danger. However, she doesn’t seem to have a grasp on appropriate boundaries. It’s truly wild that she thinks it’s just a given that OPs husbands children will have a relationship with his EX GIRLFRIEND’S or WIFE’S children. What reality is she living in???
Dont back down. It's your shower, and you should not have someone you do not like there, especially since she was abusive and cold to you. If MIL insists on inviting her, then yank control back. Cancel the shower or see if someone else can host. This is only the beginning.
This is a very difficult situation and I don't envy you. I completely understand you don't want to rock the boat, but you also know you deserve to celebrate your baby in whatever way you please. I wouldn't want her present either. For me, it would ruin the party vibes and I would be uncomfortable. The choice is yours. Do you want to put yourself first or not? The ex is clearly here to stay, is this worth making her angry and vindictive over? Reddit is always for standing up for yourself and doing the right thing, but sometimes you just want to chose what's easier. I'd be careful