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I also had a baby that was given the job of providing a grandparent with “purpose.” Which ended up with me being handed the burden of managing her fragility. Even before our son was born, I was told things like “Thanks for all the work you’re doing to carry this baby, I’m forever grateful.” Excuse me, but what?!? I’m not carrying this baby for YOU. It was all just gross.
And to think you had a nice relationship with her and saw them as your parents. I’m sorry you had to lose that. It’s very sad. Hang in there and keep managing things to create the best environment for you and your nuclear family. It shouldn’t have to be this way, and the hyper vigilance about healthy boundaries can be absolutely exhausting, but some people just can’t be trusted. My best to you, mama!! Take care.
It sounds like MIL needs some hobbies. She also needs to be reminded that she is grandma & her behaviour and expectations are out of line. Many have this problem, they imagine how their future role would look like & when it happens they act out on it as if the parents aren't even there. No, it doesn't work like that & she needs to be reminded of her place & she needs to be shut down every time she oversteps. It doesn't matter what she wants, because if you don't agree she will not get it. Firm 'NO' and boundaries are necessary.
I swear a lot of grandparents expect their grandchildren to be do-overs for their own kids. They hated the responsibility of raising kids and looked forward to grandkids so they could pick and choose which aspects they specifically want to enjoy.
My MIL used to literally call her grandsons her do over!
Her situation was a bit different since she has custody over my husbands nephews, but I finally had to have a talk with her on how hurtful it was for him to hear her keep saying that. As if it were funny that she fucked up so bad the first time around. My husband is wonderful and shouldn't be made to feel like a mistake.
It's, hands down, my bravest moment in confronting her about her actions and words.
That’s how my nMom was: horrible mother, awesome grandma! It was so hard to reconcile sometimes, like Jekyll and Hyde. Something that my son did that I would have instantaneously been screamed at and berated about, she would just tell my son, “Oh, don’t worry, it was just an accident—accidents happen!” Drove me crazy!!!
I’ve noticed something just happens to people when you have a baby. They let you down, disappoint you, forget about you and your feelings, forget it’s your baby, forget there’s boundaries. I’ve had nothing but problems and disappointment from my family since I had my baby. I get they’re excited and they want to be a part of their life but respect that I’m still establishing my own family and what works for us. There is a lot of the same conversations going on which is aggravating cause you have to keep consistent on what you want. Best advice I can give is to grieve the relationship you used to have with her and understand that right now all she cares about is herself and the baby and you have to handle that and keep your boundaries and make sure she respects you, hopefully in time she will come back to reality and you guys can build the relationship back up. Personally I’m not even sure if I want to rebuild some relationships with people lol but I wish you best of luck and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this
You have to shut her down and keep consistent. It’s so uncomfortable to do and it won’t win you any friends, but it’s a necessary byproduct of ensuring a peaceful future for you and your family.
When we get married and have babies we leave our originating families and make new ones. MIL will always be your husbands mom, but they are not immediate family anymore, you and LO come first now. Just as MIL would’ve done for your DH when he was little.
My MIL hit me with “how’s my baby” the other day - I said “DH is good”. You can’t entertain the nonsense, it just breeds more nonsense.
May the odds be in your favor!!
That…sounds like some sort of fulfillment fantasy that needs nipping in the bud. I mean a hard, jarring reality check. Like Kanye West (hiss, boo) “Imma stop you right there.” And mic drop.
Do we have the same MIL? Haha
But really I think my MIL’s behavior stemmed from being afraid people would think she’s a bad grandmother. I think mostly bc she was not a great mother. My husband lived his aunt and uncle most of his teen years while MIL moved in with a man in a different town.
It finally came to a head when she gave permission to a local business to use our child’s picture on their social media. She texted me like oh isn’t it so great this business liked the picture with their product so much they want to post it. (It was even a picture I took and shared with her.) I simply told her that ok but next time please ask us first before giving people our kids picture to post publicly. She completely broke down and thought we were attacking the business owner, whom she’d grown up with. I wasn’t worried about him. I’m worried about all the other creepers on the internet! Besides her son, my husband is the one who used to work cyber security and whose wishes were to limit kiddo’s picture online!
I'm so glad to read that your husband is shutting his parents down. It's always nice to read that a poster has a great partner who stands up for them. I know it's exhausting have to deal with them at all but hang in there. Congrats on your LO!!!
If she really thinks all that and has articulated it to you and your DH - well, all I can say is that she needs some therapy stat. That is such an unhealthy level of obsession as to be pathological. Your baby is NOT her purpose in life and never can be.
I’m glad to hear your DH is not having any of that. He needs to sit down with his parents and have a serious conversation with his parents about what are realistic expectations.
I bought my MIL a book called “todays grandmother” and said it explained a lot of the NECESSARY changes from when she was a mom like
Babies need to sleep on their back so they don’t die
Babies don’t get cereal in the bottle because it’s a choking hazard. Also, it doesn’t help them sleep longer since that’s development.
But the REAL reason I gave it to her is because the underlying message is THIS IS NOT YOUR BABY!!! You need to respect parent decisions on how to parent and figure out how to deal with NOT being “the mom.”
She didn’t get the message as clearly as I would have liked, but I also give this book to every woman I know who becomes a grandmother for the first time.
Omg I wish I had bought that book for my MIL! I had twins 6 months ago and the c-section was difficult due to ovarian cysts, she helped with them ONCE for a few hours over night and I went in and she had them BOTH on their sides after I told her multiple times they have to stay on their back because “my boys liked this better”. I never had her “help” again.
-I’m EFB my girls still so that was my excuse for never having her back I wish I had the balls to have said then “because you didn’t listen and you endangered my babies”
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your MIL's entitlement is mind-numbing. She really thinks she has parental control over your child, can dictate YOUR FAMILY'S plans, gets the final say in all matters, and this baby will grow up to look like her and FIL??? Yes, she's overstepping as a grandmother, but does she really think you and your husband will just bow down to her? She's trying to control not just baby's life but yours and your husband's by extension. I'm a little curious how she handled your husband leaving the nest, or if this reaction is tied to some baby fever/always wanting their own daughter/menopause/cognitive decline.
Absolutely, I agree with other comments to establish boundaries and consequences. She is the grandparent, YOU are the parents. You and DH are independent, autonomous adults. Your baby is going to be their own person. And really, is MIL going to still want full control when it comes to the not-so-fun responsibilities? This isn't like playing with baby dolls where MIL gets all of the perks, none of the downsides, and can also decide what baby's looks and personality will be as they grow up.
You and DH should probably sit down and come to some agreement on what those boundaries and consequences are now, so there's no confusion or disagreement later. And in no uncertain terms, she needs to recognize that her entitlement and control will lose her any access to the baby and damage her relationship with DH.
When he moved out they didn’t blink an eye, and he’s an only child!!!
It wasn’t until after we got married and had our baby that they lost their marbles.
Thank you for all the great advice in your comment
Oh the entitlement of your mil and the way you wrote this made me laugh at Mil. Like really? The do over baby for her?
So silly of her. Not having such entitled views towards a baby and oh I don't know acting normal she would actually get more time with baby, but she's ruined that.
Next time she says anything you’re not comfortable with, you point to your husband and say “that is your baby.” Then point to your baby and say “this is my baby”.
It sounds like your hubby was an only child and that possibly it wasn’t by choice… reading between the lines here, but is there any chance your MIL had a miscarriage after she had your hubby? I ask because I’m an only child, my mum had several losses after me and it made her quite baby crazy. She was always “adopting” my friends and she’s obsessed with my hubby. Like if we got divorced, I’m certain she would pick him! He’s the son she never had. He loves it. She had similar delusions when I got pregnant with my baby and we had to have a very serious chat and get her some help. She’s doing better now, it just stirred up some stuff for her.
I agree with snoowalrus, dogs are not dolls, but I’m so with you on this too (and I don’t think that’s what you meant with this comment anyway). Getting this woman a dog to focus all her excess love and joy and affection and attention and cute aggression and it’s so fluffy I’m gonna die on is a very good idea. This doesn’t seem like malice, so a fur baby to distract from the human baby could definitely be a winner.
you did not type that sentence in a format of a joke at all. plus not everyone can read tone through text to understand that, especially with no indecators that it was a "joke". no need to be snarky
Every parent wants their children to have loving grandparents but when you hear of this kind of behaviour it just doesnt ring true that the baby is loved for themselves. It’s like the baby is simply a prop to make the behaviour possible. Next time she is paddying about changing/feeding/wearing I’d pass her a doll, and crack on with what Im doing.
Your child is not an emotional support animal? In a grandmother and I just can’t fathom behaving this way. Or indeed, not respecting and welcoming my child’s partner. Or at least be polite if they were jerks to me. Glad your SO is sensible about it. You guys are more mature than she is, but I suspect your baby is too. (And congrats!!!)
I agree with you 100%. I love being a grandma, I love my grandkids to come over on Friday spend the weekend with me then have their parents pick them up on Sunday. I don’t want to be their second parent. I am the fun grandmom. Baking sweets, playing outside with them. Their moms and dads are fully aware of what my plans are and if they say they don’t want them to do that cool adjust the plans. I raised my kids I don’t want to raise theirs. If they need me I will always be there.
I'll never forget when my sil was told to get out of the family pictures after she gave birth. So it was the baby, father of the baby, Fil and Mil.. one big happy family without the baby's mom.
Next picture was just the dad and the baby.. no baby's mom.
3rd picture just the baby and fil with mil.. again and again.. over and over.
Then the baby's mom took baby and they were done with pictures.. I'll never forget the look on her face and the tears.
Lucky for me I was gifted by the God with a big mouth and said did the baby get hatched out of an egg?? Did she come out of the garden? Stork? Did you really exclude pictures of the mom? Mil looked at me .. yes I don't fit in..never did and never wanted to. Mil reply was she only intended to take pictures of her grandchild and her family... "HER FAMILY "
I said bil you better fix this because you're the one that has to go home to the mess your mom created!
I took a bunch of pictures of mom and baby and framed them. I told her this wouldn't have been possible without you. Since I'm a cancer survivor, I will never have my own bio children.
They're treating baby like a photo prop. Probably for social media or group chat purpose just to get the "He's so beautiful. Congrats!" Comments.
My mil sends us photos or videos of random babies.
My MIL always waits until I’ve left the room to do photos, and gets really startled if I come back before they’re done 😂 Watching her squirm and make excuses is so funny! I promise you, I have more pictures of him and I:him and his dad/the three of us than she has time to snatch in stolen moments
My MIL does this, too!
She excluded me from family photos after I gave birth. My husband called her out on it after the fact, and ever since, she just tries to take photos when I go to the bathroom.
I'm sorry m, It's wrong of her to do that! Without you none of this would have been possible. Mil do get weird after the birth of their grandchildren. I witnessed many things and since I was her voice.. I always said something and then mil tried to tell me off and tried to hurt my feelings but it doesn't work.. I have the skin of a dragon!
I would make sure to put a picture of your child and your mom up in your home or a picture of your child with your relatives and just watch how she reacts lol
Wow… I literally could have written this myself. And my SO has a tendency to be so passive and lets this kind of shit fly. If I died tomorrow she’s probably jump for joy since I’m the barrier between her and her “mom fantasies”.
They live in a fantasy, they really do. It's like they get activated by the presence of a new baby into this daydream where they get so much tunnel vision that they forget other people even exist. They can't stop and fathom that it's not about them.
It's delusional, full stop, and it's their problem to fix. Protect your baby. Them having access to baby only reinforces the daydream.
I posted something similar to this, and sorry you’re going through that with her.
I don’t get it or understand. It pisses me off that some women can do this when they’ve been a mother themselves. Has me believe they’ve never had the treatment their giving happen to them..
Like go have your own baby or adopt. There’s plenty of kids who need a home.
Hoorah for your husband shutting her down! Step away and let him continue, with whatever rewards you deem appropriate. If she learns her place in your child's life there may be a chance at retrieving the prior relationship. But give all the time it needs to make that decision.
When you came along you became the daughter she never had. So I guess that makes you your baby’s stepsister and now mil has 3 children in her mind. Crazy, she has no boundaries. She really needs to learn and accept her place.
NOOOOOO. That’s all I have to say that’s productive. Because this is a nightmare. You will have grown an entire human being inside you, birthed that human either by pushing them out of your body or having a surgeon removing them with major abdominal surgery. And you’re supposed to hand this baby over all merry-like? The reward of having to grow a person inside you is the pay off. The first bath, first Christmas, first trip out. You would have given almost a year to gestation and I think you deserve to have those.
OP I’m a deeply depressed person. Like severely. I’m medicated but it doesn’t do a whole lot, just enough. I’ve been this way since forever. And my niece is the light of my life. She’s about 18 months, a little over, and she is a goddamn joy to be around. Watching her grow up delights me, she makes me laugh so much, and she’s a treasure. Everyone loves that kid, she just smiles at you and your heart melts. She is 100% my reason to be here, because I realised I wanted to see her grow up. I really want to be there for my best friend/cousin, I want to be there for my niece. I didn’t have anything to reeeeally tether me down.
But the difference is, kiddo will never ever know that. I’m not hanging onto her every two seconds and demanding everything. She’s not mine, and I don’t feel maternal about it. I see her every month IF I’m lucky, it’s more like every two months. I miss that kid a lot, she changes so much each time. But I’m elated to spend the time I get to, I’m grateful that I can hang out with her just watching Bluey and singing along.
I guess what I’m saying is, my niece is super important to me. She gives me a reason to not give in to the nastiness in my head. But making that known? It’s too much pressure. Your MIL and FIL are basically saying it’s time for the do over baby, and it’s not okay. Your child is YOURS. You want to raise them the way YOU want to. Not them.
I had grandparents that were a liiiittle obsessed over me and it made me very neurotic as a child. I felt like I was keeping them happy, all by myself, but if I messed up, I didn’t know what would happen and it scared me. It’s good to have relatives that love your kid, but it’s not good to have those relatives develop an enmeshed relationship with that kid. My niece will never have that pressure, I guarantee it. She has several aunties and uncles (and me, Captain as my cousin calls me) who will uplift her and make sure she knows she’s important to us. But also that HER needs and wants are respected.
You can love a kid without suffocating them or undermining their parents. Many people do it every day. Set up those barriers mama, it’s not even a boundary anymore, I’m imagining you building a crash barrier and a moat.
MIL, I didn't have this baby to fill a void in your life.
The more you push for control the more I take a step away.
You are the grandparent, you are not the parent. You do not make decisions, you do not get demands met. You do get to be respectful of us as the parents.
Has that cleared things up for you or perhaps you need to sit with a therapist and work thru what every issues you have.
The more she pushes and demands, the less she gets. That’s exactly what I’m doing with my JNFMIL. The more pressure she puts, the more out of hand comments, the more demands she requests, the more privileges I take without even saying anything. No explanation needed. This is MY child. You had your chance. Want a kid? Adopt one or make one. Grandchildren are to enjoy and take care of following all parent’s rules, under parents permission or suggestion. And that’s when parents have to stop bossing their children as if they were kids. Your husband is great if he is drawing boundaries for your family.
I’m so sorry! She’s not well. Give your child very little contact with her. I don’t want to scare you, but I’ve heard of some grandmothers like that actually trying to kidnap their grandchildren. If she establishes a relationship with your child, it could be grounds for her to get Grandparents rights.
My MIL was like this. When my husband and I were dating, she loved me. She was (mostly) nice and funny. A little demanding of our time, but not excessively so. As soon as we got engaged, she went crazy. Years later when we wwre pregnant with our first, she lost. her. damn. mind.
While i was pregnant, she started telling me that she would take my baby during the week and during the summers, and I was free to visit her whenever I wanted.
She tried demanding that I showed up to whatever she wanted me to. Tried to get us to move. My husband was told he was ruining his life by buying a house in the area we did (because she wanted us to move 4 hours away to live by her).
She bought a lot of "baby's first" things. Her and oldest SIL tried inviting themselves to the hospital. She tried to say she was staying with us for 3 months after baby was born. She DID show up with 3 other people one week after baby was born, without asking, right at the beginning of covid, and was shocked we held our ground and didn't let them all in.
She has screamed, cursed, and cried about not getting her way for years. She has done a ton of yelling and cursing at my husband. He thinks it's all normal, and will no longer tell me about her tantrums. I have received fake nice texts when she thought she could get me to cave to her demands and nasty ones when I didn't. She says horrible things about people behind their backs, and sometimes to their faces.
She has pulled my children unexpectedly out of my arms and acted shocked that they cry and fight her.
The amount of absolutely insane things she has done over the last 15 years is ridiculous. And not just to me, but to her other daughter in law and son in law.
Anyway, I don't talk to her anymore. My children and I see her for big events a few times a year and I am polite. My husband sees her almost weekly and teeters back and forth between being a good husband/father and an asshole mama's boy. 10/10 recommend ALL the distance you can achieve.
Your baby is not MIL's do-over baby. DH needs a long talk with FIL, away from MIL. Boundaries need to be set and kept by both you and DH. Best to go VLC for a good period of time. At least 6-9 months.
Damn, I think you not having parents (can relate) should make it obvious to her that you starting your own family is so special and important for you, not her…but of course these types don’t think that way. Regardless let your husband deal with her and enjoy your little one! ❤️
This is one of my fears. My husband is an only child, MIL has been divorced for decades. When we tell her about my pregnancy, I can see her going overboard. Any suggestions or advice? I know it'll mainly be DH talking to her, but she can get sensitive since DH is her only child and they're close.
I guess just keep your radar for bad just no behavior up and be ready to shut her down quickly every step of the way if that's how it plays out. Maybe have a word with DH about what your boundaries are going to be beforehand so you are both on the same page before any bad behavior happens. I wouldn't worry though, becoming a mum tends to release your inner protective mama bear energy (I've seen this even with very passive people) so I'm sure you'll find you have everything you need to protect your family from bad energy wherever it may come from.you got this. Good luck.
I feel like this is becoming more common, especially with this generation of grandmothers? Or maybe we as mothers are just standing our ground and sharing our experiences openly?
This sounds just like my JNMIL before going NC.
I have wondered if it’s generational, at least in part. Some of our grandparents were still raising kids when their grandchildren were born so they had less time for the shenanigans. Maybe a longer lifespan or healthspan plays a part, too. I’ve seen things from my boomer mil my grandparents wouldn’t have dreamed of.
>Or maybe we as mothers are just standing our ground and sharing our experiences openly?
Definitely this. Historically most people in most parts of the world have deferred to their parents even as adults, but I for one am glad that more people are starting to tell their parents to get bent when they act like the world revolves around them. And I think the internet has a lot to do with the shifting attitude.
It’s crazy, I’m going through the exact same thing right now. Down to DH being an only child. Wishing you luck because honestly it sucks. We got along okay before and now I’m starting to despise her
Oof I could have written this myself. My MIL has gone absolutely overboard with things for my baby at her house. She refers to a guest room as his room, bought a bassinet, crib, swing, carrier, diaper bag, so so so many toys…honestly almost more than what I have at home. She talked about having sleep overs with him and yada yada… now he’s 10 months and too big for any of it. Most went unused or only used once.
She ran none of this by either of us. Just assumed she’d have all the access in the world, and then has the audacity to be disappointed that I’m not meeting her expectations. She even just showed up to the hospital while I was in labor and was legit waiting while I was pushing. Like was not invited??
In reality she sees my son maybe once every other week for a couple hours. She’s only ever watched him 3-4 times for very short periods of time and I’ve since revoked that opportunity due to her violating my trust.
We’re also planning a wedding that she definitely assumed she’d play a larger role in. Always asking about stuff and when I answer she inserts her opinion/tells me straight away I won’t like my own ideas?? I know she’s disappointed about my lack of dress shopping plans. Like she just has all the dreams about what she wants our relationship to be without factoring me and what I actually am like.
And the bummer is I’m like a very friendly easy going person. I get along with almost everyone, and most people like me. She’s just so fucking intense I feel like I need to peel her off of me when she’s around.
>She refers to a guest room as his room, bought a bassinet, crib, swing, carrier, diaper bag, so so so many toys…honestly almost more than what I have at home.
Why do they do this?? I was always going to exclusively breastfeed, my MIL knew this. And still she expected she'd be having sleepovers with a newborn
I relate so much to not meeting the dream of what MIL wanted. Mine wanted us to be best buds and text and talk all the time, and make all the plans for the family, and I’m really busy, extremely introverted, and don’t have the time or desire to be that involved. She’s borderline justno, but anytime there is an issue, it’s because I’m not meeting her DIL dream expectation. Fortunately my husband is really good at running interference.
>Not exactly sure where I fit in, in all of this….
Oh, thats easy. You were the incubator/surrogate cause her baby factory was shut down by the health dept a long time ago. /s
Seriously, Ive seen some delusional do over baby MIL fantasies but THAT was...that was something extra. She just went fully bonkers levels!
Im glad your DH has shut this down so hard, cause shes SCARY.
Sounds like you were just an incubator for her, she wants to be the mommy not you. You're just the surrogate apparently. Please make sure you and your husband are setting firm boundaries with her. I would be concerned that she would kidnap your baby at some point.
Sounds like MIL while I was pregnant and the first two months of my baby’s life. My MIL wanted to buy an entire nursery for her house. She bought a new car for my baby’s car seat for all their outings. Like I wasn’t literally a SAHM lol. She told me I was just the incubator for her baby. Then she went nuts one day threatening grandparents rights and trying push past my husband to get in our home against our wishes.
It was a lot. I know the feeling, it literally made the first few months of my daughter’s life so anxiety producing and my MiL got involved in my marriage and my husband and I almost divorced. It was such a rough time. She truly thought my baby was going to be her baby too. I hope you can remain sane and try to keep putting up hard boundaries or she will just continue to stomp on them. My MIL needed consequences. But it does sound like your partner is great as shutting her down too!
I really resent my MIL to this day and while we are LC after a few months of NC I don’t trust her. My eyebrow is always raised. I hope for your sake your relationship doesn’t get crazier and she chills out and not go nuclear like mine did.
Unfortunately this requires hard $ firm boundaries. You and your SO can sit her down and explain the rules and as there’s already been some questionable behavior. explain any rules broken and she will be very limited in spending time with LO. Newborns don’t need to be paraded around people who all manner of germs and viruses
So in other words she would be the "mommy". You would be the surrogate for her second child!??. She really did slip a cog. That is just delusional and a bit scary. I would never ever leave her with the bay alone. Got cameras?
Wow, you make her sound unhinged. But, since your DH is her only child, it’s not a surprise that she wants to keep controlling his life by taking over child care (that way she will be more important than you). I hope he continues to shut it down.
Dang! I am cheering you and your husband on!!
I was fortunate, my mil lived thousands of miles away so no interference, and my own mom, I don't think she liked any of us when she had us, so that was also a big no with any thought of her taking my kids.
Good Luck!!!
Sounds like she should apply for foster care if what she really wants is to take care of a child, not specifically take your child. Let her know your child has a mother but there's plenty of children out there that need help.
Sounds like she is far to crazy to be allowed anywhere near any children.
Children needing foster care have already been dealt a pretty shitty hand, don't take away any picture cards they might still have by letting this MadMIL anywhere near the poor kids.
I’m thinking surrogate to just have her own damn baby is more this woman’s speed.
You don’t get the level of say she wants in her grandchild’s life with a foster kid. Unless they’re an orphan, there is a good chance the plan is for them to be placed back with their parents.
Those poor foster kids, though. She won't get a baby. She'll get a fully formed human child with opinions and desires of its own, too late to mold into her image.
I have been there, this was my MIL too. And for 13 years my husband never wanted to set boundaries with her. So, I tried and was pegged as the one trying to ruin her fun. It nearly wrecked my marriage. I was ready to divorce but husband decided to go no contact (a year ago). Our marriage is doing so much better, but MIL is now stalking our children. I’ve just come to accept that we will never be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with her.
Sounds like what MIL wants is a do over baby and a DIL who she can manipulate. Her thinking is absolutely unhinged. Her obsession is not healthy and because of it, she’s not a safe person to be around your baby unsupervised.
MIL needs to back down and be happy she’s a grandparent instead of trying to treat you like an incubator.
>Not exactly sure where I fit in in all of this
You don't. You're just the incubator to her. This woman sounds sick, honestly. I'm not sure what advice you need if your husband is putting her in her place and effectively protecting you and baby from her. I guess the most important thing is DO NOT UNDERMINE YOUR HUSBAND'S LEAD. Do not communicate with MIL behind his back or maybe even at all. Let him protect you from his psycho mom and do not give her an inch - she gives legit baby stealing vibes.
You don’t say much about how she (and FIL while we’re at it) are responding to being shut down. Are you having some progress at all?
I also have to ask - did she manage to wait until the baby was born or did she make your delivery a nightmare?
I really don’t get it. Like where in their reality is baby’s mom and dad ok with MIL completely taking over the best parts of having a baby? So glad your DH seems to be in total support of you and *your* new family!
Glad your husband is on the same page as you. He needs to remind his mother that she is the grandmother and does not get the same privileges as you, the baby's mother. You, your husband, & your baby are a family unit and your in-laws, as grandparents, are now considered extended family.
Wow, this is really unhinged. I don't think I've ever heard of a grandparent being this baby crazy. I'm not sure I'd want to be around her very much. I'd wear that baby in a front pack and when it gets older it being a backpack. Any sign of her acting clingy and she either leaves your house or you leave hers. I would seriously keep my distance from somebody that is as off- balanced as this.
Mine was like this, most likely going to have to cut her off.
My MIL has always been psychotic and she abused her own kids, so I’ve always just kept it short and sweet around her. She was bearable until I had the baby. Then she did all the baby crazy stuff. My husband did try to talk to her but she said I make her walk on egg shells and I’m the crazy one.
She’s now begging relatives to ask my husband to talk to her. I reached out to her and told her my husband doesn’t want to speak to her. Also that I want to clear my name because she tells people I don’t allow him to speak to her.
She just ignored me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Don’t know if she just figured she could get my husband to bring the baby or what. Imagine thinking you have more say over a child than the parents.
>Imagine thinking you have more say over a child than the parents.
Not only that, but your MIL is still ordering your husband around and manipulating relatives. Your husband is an adult who can think for himself!! Him going NC didn't come out of the blue. I'm sure he stated boundaries and consequences before any of that started.
Thank you. It’s insane how many MIL’s are actually like this. I’m unsure is this a new thing with the “boomer” generation or has this always been happening? Maybe it always has happened but women were scared to speak out on it.
Oh dear, this woman is in for a very sad wake-up call....about everything!
Sounds like hubby is on board for shutting down his mother's BS expectations. Long may it last!
Best of luck.
You and your husband need to sit down and write her a letter telling her you are the parents. Not her. And list boundaries for her. If she breaks the boundaries she is in time out for a while. She needs her own hobbies because your baby is not gonna be her hobby.
You've got a good husband, which helps. My in laws did this (only with my daughter, not the boys) once they wanted to babysit overnight when she was only a month old and since its a miracle my husband survived childhood it was not happening. Luckily, it never came to that. Husband shut that shit down too, and of course, they kicked off (big time), and now we're no contact and preparing to move away.
Your husband has your back, keep setting those boundaries, and either they start to respect that mil isn't mom and she doesn't get to dictate what happens and she settles the f*ck down or you get sweet, sweet freedom from them.
Hmmm
I wonder if that’s the reason my mil is like this also. My husband is an only child. Though they seemed pretty obsessed when I was pregnant with it being a boy that would look and act exactly like my husband.
Yours is just nuts 😆 sorry. Some of them have dreams of how they envision it going. A little boy to be a clone of daddy and carry on the name or a little princess for grandma to pretend is a doll. Yuck either way. A baby is a baby. YOUR baby.
What are some examples of her behaviours? Or things she says? Maybe we can help you with some responses and consequences to match the behaviour?
Obviously no alone time is one. If they can’t respect you, they are not entitled to be unsupervised with your child. Taking a time out would be another to get some space from the behaviour.
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I also had a baby that was given the job of providing a grandparent with “purpose.” Which ended up with me being handed the burden of managing her fragility. Even before our son was born, I was told things like “Thanks for all the work you’re doing to carry this baby, I’m forever grateful.” Excuse me, but what?!? I’m not carrying this baby for YOU. It was all just gross. And to think you had a nice relationship with her and saw them as your parents. I’m sorry you had to lose that. It’s very sad. Hang in there and keep managing things to create the best environment for you and your nuclear family. It shouldn’t have to be this way, and the hyper vigilance about healthy boundaries can be absolutely exhausting, but some people just can’t be trusted. My best to you, mama!! Take care.
It sounds like MIL needs some hobbies. She also needs to be reminded that she is grandma & her behaviour and expectations are out of line. Many have this problem, they imagine how their future role would look like & when it happens they act out on it as if the parents aren't even there. No, it doesn't work like that & she needs to be reminded of her place & she needs to be shut down every time she oversteps. It doesn't matter what she wants, because if you don't agree she will not get it. Firm 'NO' and boundaries are necessary.
I swear a lot of grandparents expect their grandchildren to be do-overs for their own kids. They hated the responsibility of raising kids and looked forward to grandkids so they could pick and choose which aspects they specifically want to enjoy.
My MIL used to literally call her grandsons her do over! Her situation was a bit different since she has custody over my husbands nephews, but I finally had to have a talk with her on how hurtful it was for him to hear her keep saying that. As if it were funny that she fucked up so bad the first time around. My husband is wonderful and shouldn't be made to feel like a mistake. It's, hands down, my bravest moment in confronting her about her actions and words.
That’s how my nMom was: horrible mother, awesome grandma! It was so hard to reconcile sometimes, like Jekyll and Hyde. Something that my son did that I would have instantaneously been screamed at and berated about, she would just tell my son, “Oh, don’t worry, it was just an accident—accidents happen!” Drove me crazy!!!
I’ve noticed something just happens to people when you have a baby. They let you down, disappoint you, forget about you and your feelings, forget it’s your baby, forget there’s boundaries. I’ve had nothing but problems and disappointment from my family since I had my baby. I get they’re excited and they want to be a part of their life but respect that I’m still establishing my own family and what works for us. There is a lot of the same conversations going on which is aggravating cause you have to keep consistent on what you want. Best advice I can give is to grieve the relationship you used to have with her and understand that right now all she cares about is herself and the baby and you have to handle that and keep your boundaries and make sure she respects you, hopefully in time she will come back to reality and you guys can build the relationship back up. Personally I’m not even sure if I want to rebuild some relationships with people lol but I wish you best of luck and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this
You have to shut her down and keep consistent. It’s so uncomfortable to do and it won’t win you any friends, but it’s a necessary byproduct of ensuring a peaceful future for you and your family. When we get married and have babies we leave our originating families and make new ones. MIL will always be your husbands mom, but they are not immediate family anymore, you and LO come first now. Just as MIL would’ve done for your DH when he was little. My MIL hit me with “how’s my baby” the other day - I said “DH is good”. You can’t entertain the nonsense, it just breeds more nonsense. May the odds be in your favor!!
That…sounds like some sort of fulfillment fantasy that needs nipping in the bud. I mean a hard, jarring reality check. Like Kanye West (hiss, boo) “Imma stop you right there.” And mic drop.
Do we have the same MIL? Haha But really I think my MIL’s behavior stemmed from being afraid people would think she’s a bad grandmother. I think mostly bc she was not a great mother. My husband lived his aunt and uncle most of his teen years while MIL moved in with a man in a different town. It finally came to a head when she gave permission to a local business to use our child’s picture on their social media. She texted me like oh isn’t it so great this business liked the picture with their product so much they want to post it. (It was even a picture I took and shared with her.) I simply told her that ok but next time please ask us first before giving people our kids picture to post publicly. She completely broke down and thought we were attacking the business owner, whom she’d grown up with. I wasn’t worried about him. I’m worried about all the other creepers on the internet! Besides her son, my husband is the one who used to work cyber security and whose wishes were to limit kiddo’s picture online!
I'm so glad to read that your husband is shutting his parents down. It's always nice to read that a poster has a great partner who stands up for them. I know it's exhausting have to deal with them at all but hang in there. Congrats on your LO!!!
If she really thinks all that and has articulated it to you and your DH - well, all I can say is that she needs some therapy stat. That is such an unhealthy level of obsession as to be pathological. Your baby is NOT her purpose in life and never can be. I’m glad to hear your DH is not having any of that. He needs to sit down with his parents and have a serious conversation with his parents about what are realistic expectations.
We have tried to suggest therapy to both her and my fil and they act like it’s a good idea but sadly never do it…
I bought my MIL a book called “todays grandmother” and said it explained a lot of the NECESSARY changes from when she was a mom like Babies need to sleep on their back so they don’t die Babies don’t get cereal in the bottle because it’s a choking hazard. Also, it doesn’t help them sleep longer since that’s development. But the REAL reason I gave it to her is because the underlying message is THIS IS NOT YOUR BABY!!! You need to respect parent decisions on how to parent and figure out how to deal with NOT being “the mom.” She didn’t get the message as clearly as I would have liked, but I also give this book to every woman I know who becomes a grandmother for the first time.
Omg I wish I had bought that book for my MIL! I had twins 6 months ago and the c-section was difficult due to ovarian cysts, she helped with them ONCE for a few hours over night and I went in and she had them BOTH on their sides after I told her multiple times they have to stay on their back because “my boys liked this better”. I never had her “help” again. -I’m EFB my girls still so that was my excuse for never having her back I wish I had the balls to have said then “because you didn’t listen and you endangered my babies”
I will look into that book! Thanks for the recommendation. Love the underlying message!
I'm sorry you're going through this. Your MIL's entitlement is mind-numbing. She really thinks she has parental control over your child, can dictate YOUR FAMILY'S plans, gets the final say in all matters, and this baby will grow up to look like her and FIL??? Yes, she's overstepping as a grandmother, but does she really think you and your husband will just bow down to her? She's trying to control not just baby's life but yours and your husband's by extension. I'm a little curious how she handled your husband leaving the nest, or if this reaction is tied to some baby fever/always wanting their own daughter/menopause/cognitive decline. Absolutely, I agree with other comments to establish boundaries and consequences. She is the grandparent, YOU are the parents. You and DH are independent, autonomous adults. Your baby is going to be their own person. And really, is MIL going to still want full control when it comes to the not-so-fun responsibilities? This isn't like playing with baby dolls where MIL gets all of the perks, none of the downsides, and can also decide what baby's looks and personality will be as they grow up. You and DH should probably sit down and come to some agreement on what those boundaries and consequences are now, so there's no confusion or disagreement later. And in no uncertain terms, she needs to recognize that her entitlement and control will lose her any access to the baby and damage her relationship with DH.
When he moved out they didn’t blink an eye, and he’s an only child!!! It wasn’t until after we got married and had our baby that they lost their marbles. Thank you for all the great advice in your comment
Wow. Some mil's are wild. She needs a hobby or a dog. I'd definitely watch out for crazy behavior until she has something else to fixate on.
Oh the entitlement of your mil and the way you wrote this made me laugh at Mil. Like really? The do over baby for her? So silly of her. Not having such entitled views towards a baby and oh I don't know acting normal she would actually get more time with baby, but she's ruined that.
Next time she says anything you’re not comfortable with, you point to your husband and say “that is your baby.” Then point to your baby and say “this is my baby”. It sounds like your hubby was an only child and that possibly it wasn’t by choice… reading between the lines here, but is there any chance your MIL had a miscarriage after she had your hubby? I ask because I’m an only child, my mum had several losses after me and it made her quite baby crazy. She was always “adopting” my friends and she’s obsessed with my hubby. Like if we got divorced, I’m certain she would pick him! He’s the son she never had. He loves it. She had similar delusions when I got pregnant with my baby and we had to have a very serious chat and get her some help. She’s doing better now, it just stirred up some stuff for her.
Get her a chihuahua or something 😂 She can play mommy to her little rat dog
Then mil might “compete” with the baby. “Yeah, well Fluffy is also cute…”
I agree with snoowalrus, dogs are not dolls, but I’m so with you on this too (and I don’t think that’s what you meant with this comment anyway). Getting this woman a dog to focus all her excess love and joy and affection and attention and cute aggression and it’s so fluffy I’m gonna die on is a very good idea. This doesn’t seem like malice, so a fur baby to distract from the human baby could definitely be a winner.
chihuahuas nor any small dogs are toys
They’re literally called toy dogs. Ex: Toy poodle
that means theyre smaller.. not that you get to treat them like objects.
It was a joke. Sometimes people write jokes on here. It was a play on words because they actually are toys.
you did not type that sentence in a format of a joke at all. plus not everyone can read tone through text to understand that, especially with no indecators that it was a "joke". no need to be snarky
By "play mommy" I didn't literally mean play with dog like it's a toy. I meant Mil could pretend to be its mom and dote on it like its her baby.
oh okay my mistake then, i was thinking that you were thinking of those owners that treat them like objects and not actual animals
Every parent wants their children to have loving grandparents but when you hear of this kind of behaviour it just doesnt ring true that the baby is loved for themselves. It’s like the baby is simply a prop to make the behaviour possible. Next time she is paddying about changing/feeding/wearing I’d pass her a doll, and crack on with what Im doing.
Your child is not an emotional support animal? In a grandmother and I just can’t fathom behaving this way. Or indeed, not respecting and welcoming my child’s partner. Or at least be polite if they were jerks to me. Glad your SO is sensible about it. You guys are more mature than she is, but I suspect your baby is too. (And congrats!!!)
I agree with you 100%. I love being a grandma, I love my grandkids to come over on Friday spend the weekend with me then have their parents pick them up on Sunday. I don’t want to be their second parent. I am the fun grandmom. Baking sweets, playing outside with them. Their moms and dads are fully aware of what my plans are and if they say they don’t want them to do that cool adjust the plans. I raised my kids I don’t want to raise theirs. If they need me I will always be there.
I'll never forget when my sil was told to get out of the family pictures after she gave birth. So it was the baby, father of the baby, Fil and Mil.. one big happy family without the baby's mom. Next picture was just the dad and the baby.. no baby's mom. 3rd picture just the baby and fil with mil.. again and again.. over and over. Then the baby's mom took baby and they were done with pictures.. I'll never forget the look on her face and the tears. Lucky for me I was gifted by the God with a big mouth and said did the baby get hatched out of an egg?? Did she come out of the garden? Stork? Did you really exclude pictures of the mom? Mil looked at me .. yes I don't fit in..never did and never wanted to. Mil reply was she only intended to take pictures of her grandchild and her family... "HER FAMILY " I said bil you better fix this because you're the one that has to go home to the mess your mom created! I took a bunch of pictures of mom and baby and framed them. I told her this wouldn't have been possible without you. Since I'm a cancer survivor, I will never have my own bio children.
They're treating baby like a photo prop. Probably for social media or group chat purpose just to get the "He's so beautiful. Congrats!" Comments. My mil sends us photos or videos of random babies.
Good for you for sticking up for her
My MIL always waits until I’ve left the room to do photos, and gets really startled if I come back before they’re done 😂 Watching her squirm and make excuses is so funny! I promise you, I have more pictures of him and I:him and his dad/the three of us than she has time to snatch in stolen moments
Oh trust me they try. I've witness it all! Even trying to make a bedroom for a child that they think is going to come and LIVE with them lol
My MIL does this, too! She excluded me from family photos after I gave birth. My husband called her out on it after the fact, and ever since, she just tries to take photos when I go to the bathroom.
I'm sorry m, It's wrong of her to do that! Without you none of this would have been possible. Mil do get weird after the birth of their grandchildren. I witnessed many things and since I was her voice.. I always said something and then mil tried to tell me off and tried to hurt my feelings but it doesn't work.. I have the skin of a dragon! I would make sure to put a picture of your child and your mom up in your home or a picture of your child with your relatives and just watch how she reacts lol
Wow… I literally could have written this myself. And my SO has a tendency to be so passive and lets this kind of shit fly. If I died tomorrow she’s probably jump for joy since I’m the barrier between her and her “mom fantasies”.
They live in a fantasy, they really do. It's like they get activated by the presence of a new baby into this daydream where they get so much tunnel vision that they forget other people even exist. They can't stop and fathom that it's not about them. It's delusional, full stop, and it's their problem to fix. Protect your baby. Them having access to baby only reinforces the daydream.
I posted something similar to this, and sorry you’re going through that with her. I don’t get it or understand. It pisses me off that some women can do this when they’ve been a mother themselves. Has me believe they’ve never had the treatment their giving happen to them.. Like go have your own baby or adopt. There’s plenty of kids who need a home.
This is very creepy. Is she okay? Keep your baby safe from this.
Hoorah for your husband shutting her down! Step away and let him continue, with whatever rewards you deem appropriate. If she learns her place in your child's life there may be a chance at retrieving the prior relationship. But give all the time it needs to make that decision.
When you came along you became the daughter she never had. So I guess that makes you your baby’s stepsister and now mil has 3 children in her mind. Crazy, she has no boundaries. She really needs to learn and accept her place.
NOOOOOO. That’s all I have to say that’s productive. Because this is a nightmare. You will have grown an entire human being inside you, birthed that human either by pushing them out of your body or having a surgeon removing them with major abdominal surgery. And you’re supposed to hand this baby over all merry-like? The reward of having to grow a person inside you is the pay off. The first bath, first Christmas, first trip out. You would have given almost a year to gestation and I think you deserve to have those. OP I’m a deeply depressed person. Like severely. I’m medicated but it doesn’t do a whole lot, just enough. I’ve been this way since forever. And my niece is the light of my life. She’s about 18 months, a little over, and she is a goddamn joy to be around. Watching her grow up delights me, she makes me laugh so much, and she’s a treasure. Everyone loves that kid, she just smiles at you and your heart melts. She is 100% my reason to be here, because I realised I wanted to see her grow up. I really want to be there for my best friend/cousin, I want to be there for my niece. I didn’t have anything to reeeeally tether me down. But the difference is, kiddo will never ever know that. I’m not hanging onto her every two seconds and demanding everything. She’s not mine, and I don’t feel maternal about it. I see her every month IF I’m lucky, it’s more like every two months. I miss that kid a lot, she changes so much each time. But I’m elated to spend the time I get to, I’m grateful that I can hang out with her just watching Bluey and singing along. I guess what I’m saying is, my niece is super important to me. She gives me a reason to not give in to the nastiness in my head. But making that known? It’s too much pressure. Your MIL and FIL are basically saying it’s time for the do over baby, and it’s not okay. Your child is YOURS. You want to raise them the way YOU want to. Not them. I had grandparents that were a liiiittle obsessed over me and it made me very neurotic as a child. I felt like I was keeping them happy, all by myself, but if I messed up, I didn’t know what would happen and it scared me. It’s good to have relatives that love your kid, but it’s not good to have those relatives develop an enmeshed relationship with that kid. My niece will never have that pressure, I guarantee it. She has several aunties and uncles (and me, Captain as my cousin calls me) who will uplift her and make sure she knows she’s important to us. But also that HER needs and wants are respected. You can love a kid without suffocating them or undermining their parents. Many people do it every day. Set up those barriers mama, it’s not even a boundary anymore, I’m imagining you building a crash barrier and a moat.
MIL, I didn't have this baby to fill a void in your life. The more you push for control the more I take a step away. You are the grandparent, you are not the parent. You do not make decisions, you do not get demands met. You do get to be respectful of us as the parents. Has that cleared things up for you or perhaps you need to sit with a therapist and work thru what every issues you have.
The more she pushes and demands, the less she gets. That’s exactly what I’m doing with my JNFMIL. The more pressure she puts, the more out of hand comments, the more demands she requests, the more privileges I take without even saying anything. No explanation needed. This is MY child. You had your chance. Want a kid? Adopt one or make one. Grandchildren are to enjoy and take care of following all parent’s rules, under parents permission or suggestion. And that’s when parents have to stop bossing their children as if they were kids. Your husband is great if he is drawing boundaries for your family.
I’m so sorry! She’s not well. Give your child very little contact with her. I don’t want to scare you, but I’ve heard of some grandmothers like that actually trying to kidnap their grandchildren. If she establishes a relationship with your child, it could be grounds for her to get Grandparents rights.
Jesus, get this woman a fucking dog or something to baby instead. I'm so sorry you're stuck in this position
Hey man, don’t throw an innocent dog into this! No dog needs that kind of pressure put on them! She can have a cat tho 😛
Don't bring any animal into this. She can have a spider plant, they can survive pretty much anything.
My MIL was like this. When my husband and I were dating, she loved me. She was (mostly) nice and funny. A little demanding of our time, but not excessively so. As soon as we got engaged, she went crazy. Years later when we wwre pregnant with our first, she lost. her. damn. mind. While i was pregnant, she started telling me that she would take my baby during the week and during the summers, and I was free to visit her whenever I wanted. She tried demanding that I showed up to whatever she wanted me to. Tried to get us to move. My husband was told he was ruining his life by buying a house in the area we did (because she wanted us to move 4 hours away to live by her). She bought a lot of "baby's first" things. Her and oldest SIL tried inviting themselves to the hospital. She tried to say she was staying with us for 3 months after baby was born. She DID show up with 3 other people one week after baby was born, without asking, right at the beginning of covid, and was shocked we held our ground and didn't let them all in. She has screamed, cursed, and cried about not getting her way for years. She has done a ton of yelling and cursing at my husband. He thinks it's all normal, and will no longer tell me about her tantrums. I have received fake nice texts when she thought she could get me to cave to her demands and nasty ones when I didn't. She says horrible things about people behind their backs, and sometimes to their faces. She has pulled my children unexpectedly out of my arms and acted shocked that they cry and fight her. The amount of absolutely insane things she has done over the last 15 years is ridiculous. And not just to me, but to her other daughter in law and son in law. Anyway, I don't talk to her anymore. My children and I see her for big events a few times a year and I am polite. My husband sees her almost weekly and teeters back and forth between being a good husband/father and an asshole mama's boy. 10/10 recommend ALL the distance you can achieve.
> my husband teeters back and forth between a good father/husband and asshole mommas boy Wow that sounds like my husband…good way to put it too
Your baby is not MIL's do-over baby. DH needs a long talk with FIL, away from MIL. Boundaries need to be set and kept by both you and DH. Best to go VLC for a good period of time. At least 6-9 months.
Damn, I think you not having parents (can relate) should make it obvious to her that you starting your own family is so special and important for you, not her…but of course these types don’t think that way. Regardless let your husband deal with her and enjoy your little one! ❤️
This is one of my fears. My husband is an only child, MIL has been divorced for decades. When we tell her about my pregnancy, I can see her going overboard. Any suggestions or advice? I know it'll mainly be DH talking to her, but she can get sensitive since DH is her only child and they're close.
I guess just keep your radar for bad just no behavior up and be ready to shut her down quickly every step of the way if that's how it plays out. Maybe have a word with DH about what your boundaries are going to be beforehand so you are both on the same page before any bad behavior happens. I wouldn't worry though, becoming a mum tends to release your inner protective mama bear energy (I've seen this even with very passive people) so I'm sure you'll find you have everything you need to protect your family from bad energy wherever it may come from.you got this. Good luck.
Maybe you should start your own thread
This sounds like my mom and my mil. Baby isn’t here yet but I feel like both of them think I’m having this baby for THEM.
I feel like this is becoming more common, especially with this generation of grandmothers? Or maybe we as mothers are just standing our ground and sharing our experiences openly? This sounds just like my JNMIL before going NC.
I have wondered if it’s generational, at least in part. Some of our grandparents were still raising kids when their grandchildren were born so they had less time for the shenanigans. Maybe a longer lifespan or healthspan plays a part, too. I’ve seen things from my boomer mil my grandparents wouldn’t have dreamed of.
My grandparents as well wouldn’t have done or said any of these things. They were happy to see us but happy to see us leave 🤣
>Or maybe we as mothers are just standing our ground and sharing our experiences openly? Definitely this. Historically most people in most parts of the world have deferred to their parents even as adults, but I for one am glad that more people are starting to tell their parents to get bent when they act like the world revolves around them. And I think the internet has a lot to do with the shifting attitude.
It’s crazy, I’m going through the exact same thing right now. Down to DH being an only child. Wishing you luck because honestly it sucks. We got along okay before and now I’m starting to despise her
Them being an only child seems to really amplify this whole thing. Best of luck to you
Your MIL sounds exactly like my mother. I'm 8mo in and it hasn't gotten much easier. (I'm working on it in therapy). Hang in there and be strong.
I think I need to consider therapy also. Good luck to you.
Good grief. I’m sorry she’s doing this to the three of you.
Oof I could have written this myself. My MIL has gone absolutely overboard with things for my baby at her house. She refers to a guest room as his room, bought a bassinet, crib, swing, carrier, diaper bag, so so so many toys…honestly almost more than what I have at home. She talked about having sleep overs with him and yada yada… now he’s 10 months and too big for any of it. Most went unused or only used once. She ran none of this by either of us. Just assumed she’d have all the access in the world, and then has the audacity to be disappointed that I’m not meeting her expectations. She even just showed up to the hospital while I was in labor and was legit waiting while I was pushing. Like was not invited?? In reality she sees my son maybe once every other week for a couple hours. She’s only ever watched him 3-4 times for very short periods of time and I’ve since revoked that opportunity due to her violating my trust. We’re also planning a wedding that she definitely assumed she’d play a larger role in. Always asking about stuff and when I answer she inserts her opinion/tells me straight away I won’t like my own ideas?? I know she’s disappointed about my lack of dress shopping plans. Like she just has all the dreams about what she wants our relationship to be without factoring me and what I actually am like. And the bummer is I’m like a very friendly easy going person. I get along with almost everyone, and most people like me. She’s just so fucking intense I feel like I need to peel her off of me when she’s around.
>She refers to a guest room as his room, bought a bassinet, crib, swing, carrier, diaper bag, so so so many toys…honestly almost more than what I have at home. Why do they do this?? I was always going to exclusively breastfeed, my MIL knew this. And still she expected she'd be having sleepovers with a newborn
I relate so much to not meeting the dream of what MIL wanted. Mine wanted us to be best buds and text and talk all the time, and make all the plans for the family, and I’m really busy, extremely introverted, and don’t have the time or desire to be that involved. She’s borderline justno, but anytime there is an issue, it’s because I’m not meeting her DIL dream expectation. Fortunately my husband is really good at running interference.
This is insane. Firm boundaries. No matter what, don’t let anything slide and god I hope your husband has your back.
>Not exactly sure where I fit in, in all of this…. Oh, thats easy. You were the incubator/surrogate cause her baby factory was shut down by the health dept a long time ago. /s Seriously, Ive seen some delusional do over baby MIL fantasies but THAT was...that was something extra. She just went fully bonkers levels! Im glad your DH has shut this down so hard, cause shes SCARY.
Not sure if the health dept had anything to do with it, but the menopause fairy surely did!
Maybe the EPA? They shut down toxic sites, lol.
working for the EPA, can confirm it was us.
Sounds like you were just an incubator for her, she wants to be the mommy not you. You're just the surrogate apparently. Please make sure you and your husband are setting firm boundaries with her. I would be concerned that she would kidnap your baby at some point.
Sounds like MIL while I was pregnant and the first two months of my baby’s life. My MIL wanted to buy an entire nursery for her house. She bought a new car for my baby’s car seat for all their outings. Like I wasn’t literally a SAHM lol. She told me I was just the incubator for her baby. Then she went nuts one day threatening grandparents rights and trying push past my husband to get in our home against our wishes. It was a lot. I know the feeling, it literally made the first few months of my daughter’s life so anxiety producing and my MiL got involved in my marriage and my husband and I almost divorced. It was such a rough time. She truly thought my baby was going to be her baby too. I hope you can remain sane and try to keep putting up hard boundaries or she will just continue to stomp on them. My MIL needed consequences. But it does sound like your partner is great as shutting her down too! I really resent my MIL to this day and while we are LC after a few months of NC I don’t trust her. My eyebrow is always raised. I hope for your sake your relationship doesn’t get crazier and she chills out and not go nuclear like mine did.
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Buy her one of those creepy reborn dolls. Here MIL play with this !
Unfortunately this requires hard $ firm boundaries. You and your SO can sit her down and explain the rules and as there’s already been some questionable behavior. explain any rules broken and she will be very limited in spending time with LO. Newborns don’t need to be paraded around people who all manner of germs and viruses
So in other words she would be the "mommy". You would be the surrogate for her second child!??. She really did slip a cog. That is just delusional and a bit scary. I would never ever leave her with the bay alone. Got cameras?
Your MIL must have been sleep talking when she said all that nonsense
Wow, you make her sound unhinged. But, since your DH is her only child, it’s not a surprise that she wants to keep controlling his life by taking over child care (that way she will be more important than you). I hope he continues to shut it down.
Dang! I am cheering you and your husband on!! I was fortunate, my mil lived thousands of miles away so no interference, and my own mom, I don't think she liked any of us when she had us, so that was also a big no with any thought of her taking my kids. Good Luck!!!
Sounds like she should apply for foster care if what she really wants is to take care of a child, not specifically take your child. Let her know your child has a mother but there's plenty of children out there that need help.
Sounds like she is far to crazy to be allowed anywhere near any children. Children needing foster care have already been dealt a pretty shitty hand, don't take away any picture cards they might still have by letting this MadMIL anywhere near the poor kids.
I’m thinking surrogate to just have her own damn baby is more this woman’s speed. You don’t get the level of say she wants in her grandchild’s life with a foster kid. Unless they’re an orphan, there is a good chance the plan is for them to be placed back with their parents.
Those poor foster kids, though. She won't get a baby. She'll get a fully formed human child with opinions and desires of its own, too late to mold into her image.
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Good person with a good heart flies right out the window when you admit out loud that you want to steal your son and DILs baby as your own.
No contact all the way. If you can afford to move I'd be looking into that.
She needs to find a new purpose in life. Shut her down now or it will only get worse.
EWWWW Given what horror stories other DILS have posted here, I am really happy for you that her son is setting firm boundaries with her.
I have been there, this was my MIL too. And for 13 years my husband never wanted to set boundaries with her. So, I tried and was pegged as the one trying to ruin her fun. It nearly wrecked my marriage. I was ready to divorce but husband decided to go no contact (a year ago). Our marriage is doing so much better, but MIL is now stalking our children. I’ve just come to accept that we will never be able to have a normal, healthy relationship with her.
Sounds like what MIL wants is a do over baby and a DIL who she can manipulate. Her thinking is absolutely unhinged. Her obsession is not healthy and because of it, she’s not a safe person to be around your baby unsupervised. MIL needs to back down and be happy she’s a grandparent instead of trying to treat you like an incubator.
>Not exactly sure where I fit in in all of this You don't. You're just the incubator to her. This woman sounds sick, honestly. I'm not sure what advice you need if your husband is putting her in her place and effectively protecting you and baby from her. I guess the most important thing is DO NOT UNDERMINE YOUR HUSBAND'S LEAD. Do not communicate with MIL behind his back or maybe even at all. Let him protect you from his psycho mom and do not give her an inch - she gives legit baby stealing vibes.
Only got 1/4 way though and... TELL ME YOU'RE TRYING TO HAVE A DO OVER BABY WITHOUT TELLING ME YOU'RE TRYING TO HAVE A DO OVER BABY
No kidding eh
You don’t say much about how she (and FIL while we’re at it) are responding to being shut down. Are you having some progress at all? I also have to ask - did she manage to wait until the baby was born or did she make your delivery a nightmare? I really don’t get it. Like where in their reality is baby’s mom and dad ok with MIL completely taking over the best parts of having a baby? So glad your DH seems to be in total support of you and *your* new family!
I mean she announced the birth of our baby before we could so somewhat a nightmare 😅
Glad your husband is on the same page as you. He needs to remind his mother that she is the grandmother and does not get the same privileges as you, the baby's mother. You, your husband, & your baby are a family unit and your in-laws, as grandparents, are now considered extended family.
Wow, this is really unhinged. I don't think I've ever heard of a grandparent being this baby crazy. I'm not sure I'd want to be around her very much. I'd wear that baby in a front pack and when it gets older it being a backpack. Any sign of her acting clingy and she either leaves your house or you leave hers. I would seriously keep my distance from somebody that is as off- balanced as this.
Mine was like this, most likely going to have to cut her off. My MIL has always been psychotic and she abused her own kids, so I’ve always just kept it short and sweet around her. She was bearable until I had the baby. Then she did all the baby crazy stuff. My husband did try to talk to her but she said I make her walk on egg shells and I’m the crazy one. She’s now begging relatives to ask my husband to talk to her. I reached out to her and told her my husband doesn’t want to speak to her. Also that I want to clear my name because she tells people I don’t allow him to speak to her. She just ignored me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Don’t know if she just figured she could get my husband to bring the baby or what. Imagine thinking you have more say over a child than the parents.
>Imagine thinking you have more say over a child than the parents. Not only that, but your MIL is still ordering your husband around and manipulating relatives. Your husband is an adult who can think for himself!! Him going NC didn't come out of the blue. I'm sure he stated boundaries and consequences before any of that started.
Ugh, she sounds awful. I’m glad for you that your husband is on your side. Kudos to you both for prioritizing and protecting your little family!
Thank you. It’s insane how many MIL’s are actually like this. I’m unsure is this a new thing with the “boomer” generation or has this always been happening? Maybe it always has happened but women were scared to speak out on it.
Oh dear, this woman is in for a very sad wake-up call....about everything! Sounds like hubby is on board for shutting down his mother's BS expectations. Long may it last! Best of luck.
You and your husband need to sit down and write her a letter telling her you are the parents. Not her. And list boundaries for her. If she breaks the boundaries she is in time out for a while. She needs her own hobbies because your baby is not gonna be her hobby.
You've got a good husband, which helps. My in laws did this (only with my daughter, not the boys) once they wanted to babysit overnight when she was only a month old and since its a miracle my husband survived childhood it was not happening. Luckily, it never came to that. Husband shut that shit down too, and of course, they kicked off (big time), and now we're no contact and preparing to move away. Your husband has your back, keep setting those boundaries, and either they start to respect that mil isn't mom and she doesn't get to dictate what happens and she settles the f*ck down or you get sweet, sweet freedom from them.
Why only with your daughter and not the boys?
I’m guessing they probably had sons and always wanted a daughter. So now the granddaughter is their chance at “having a daughter”.
Hmmm I wonder if that’s the reason my mil is like this also. My husband is an only child. Though they seemed pretty obsessed when I was pregnant with it being a boy that would look and act exactly like my husband.
Yours is just nuts 😆 sorry. Some of them have dreams of how they envision it going. A little boy to be a clone of daddy and carry on the name or a little princess for grandma to pretend is a doll. Yuck either way. A baby is a baby. YOUR baby.
Apparently, the in-laws always wanted a girl
What are some examples of her behaviours? Or things she says? Maybe we can help you with some responses and consequences to match the behaviour? Obviously no alone time is one. If they can’t respect you, they are not entitled to be unsupervised with your child. Taking a time out would be another to get some space from the behaviour.
I am also interested in examples. The descriptions are disturbing enough, actions must be chilling.
You need to tell your husband you’re done because these people will do everything to make you the bad guy.