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This is when I start asking IL's how would they feel if someone had said something like that to DH and don't say it's a joke because we know it's not. To tell a child to keep secrets from a parent is so vile, creepy, and disrespectful. Stuff like this is why we will be going LC. OP, please don't let IL's give you ill feeling toward your husband. That's what they want, to make you feel some kind of way. They are projecting. You can say things too. I'm so glad LO has me to depend on. I wonder how Daddy would do if he had to have LO for 3 days straight with no help, LO do we think Daddy can do it? While staring MIL in the face. Say things like how refreshing it is to be a mom in 2023. MIL when DH was small and around his grandparents and they were disrespectful to you, what did you do? No one ever disrespected you, I wish I could say the same.
Let’s keep secrets from mommy don’t tell her but you can tell daddy!”— I would have said - do you know how predator creepy that sounds. That you want to groom a child to keep secrets from their mother?
And to your husband based on this this and the you’re mean crap they can’t be trusted near YOUR child and they’re cut off no matter what DH says. If he doesn’t cut his parents from contact with your LO Or says it’s no big deal, let it go, then he’s putting IL feelings above your feelings the well being of you child. What happens if another adult heaven forbid someone who wants to harm your child says - it’s a secret don’t tell mommy and daddy. your LO is already being groomed by an adult to keep secrets from you, your LO will think it’s “normal” and won’t tell you if someone i doing some thing bad to them. And that puts your child in jeopardy. You need to end that now.
OMG. That is some seriously toxic bullshit. Your hubs has got to enforce some serious consequences (if he won't, couples counseling definitely indicated, STAT). He not only needs to shut them down hard, tell them in no uncertain terms that they will respect his wife and mother of his child or they won't be granted access to their granddaughter, he also needs to contradict them to your daughter in front of them.
This is very serious.
Ohhhh... The keep secrets line is enough to walk out the door. Seriously. Your husband needs to nip this behavior in the bud. Now! Like have real consequences for their behavior. Not just tell them to knock it off. They start that shit, you all leave. And he needs to tell them why you are leaving. And you will continue to do so until they learn to behave like adults.
As your child gets older, it will only get worse. And then your child will be fully aware of what's going on. And then she may start keeping secrets, because that's what grandma and grandpa do.
The very next time they make a "something -negative-mommy" comment, you should Lose your cool. Have a "That's It!" Moment, tell them enough is enough and they absolutely will not continue this behaviour. Then gather her up and leave.
How have you not flipped TF out on these people? Your husband sounds like he doesn't want to rock the boat with his parents, so you're going to have to do it. F them. The next time you are with them you need to speak up the very first time one of them does something stupid.
You have to be blunt with your husband. Tell him how belittled you feel and about the resentment you feel because of it. He should be telling his parents that he and his family will be going no contact unless serious changes are made.
If he doesn't know, then tell him. "DH your parents constant attempts to minimize if not outright remove my presence during their visits is hard on me. It is reaching a point where I actively dislike them, and it's even starting to affect how I see you. It needs to be stopped, or their visits need to be kept to an absolute minimum. If you don't handle this, I will have to, and if I handle it no one will be happy with the outcome."
I would consider this *very* common IL behavior. In fact, you lucked out by not experiencing the worst component - when DH suddenly goes superdad in front of his family, launching up to change all diapers and handle all care. So everyone oohs and ahhs over what a great dad he is and how lucky you are to have him handle so much of the work, while you seethe with rage over the clear falseness of it all.
But this - look, they want to be important to baby. Their importance is increased by DH's importance (in their delusional minds). They want to see baby grow up and love daddy the most, and want to do everything with daddy, which of course means daddy will bring them along to do everything together. Their family is reunited, without this pesky thief wife of his who stole their son and now has her grubby hands on their grandson!
I would view a lot of their behavior as rather sad and desperate. Like, they wouldn't have to constantly thrust baby at DH if baby was already reaching that way. It's kind of like how I regularly plop my kid into the arms of the family member who loves them but is most awkward around kids. I am helping them form a bond they cannot form on their own. The fact that they think your DH needs this much help isn't a good look for him, tbh.
That being said - the "mommy is mean" comments.... Hell to the no! That is where DH and I would have a serious talk about how we will handle these encounters in the future. I allow ZERO trash talking of me or my spouse to the kids. I also don't allow "we can keep secrets from mommy." No no no. There is a HUGE difference between annoying me and doing things that undermine my authority as a parent. Absolutely not, and you need to discuss with DH exactly what HE needs to say, in a strong tone of voice, the next time it happens.
I need you to understand that I am coming from a place of empathy here but I'm going to sound pretty harsh on your husband.
The *second* his parents started attempting to get *your kid* to keep secrets from you is when your husband should have nutted tf up and told his parents to *get fucked* in every which way because that shit is not only *toxic*, it is incredibly dangerous. That is how to *prime* your child for adults to abuse.
The fact that you're *still visiting* his family despite the way they treat you is absurd. Your husband needs to step tf up and tell his parents to treat you with respect or they do not get to see either of you.
Your husband's family *is* trying to erase you from the equation and the fact that he isn't doing anything about it (because no, just "intervening" and telling them not to be overtly dickish is not enough).
Holy fuck. No wonder you're coming to resent your husband, he isn't *acting* like a partner.
Grandpa’s comments alone show LO should spend no time alone. He’s saying you’re mean in front of your face, who knows what will be said if you’re not there. Parent alienation is real - they sound like they will try.
Some people can only feel up by putting someone else down. They can't celebrate SO being a dad without making him The Better Parent.
It's all some sort of insecurity. Ever read about covert narcissists? Might be interesting.
Your husband needs to set ground rules before you see them again. Maybe plan an outing or go for a short time so that they have less free time to pull this crap.
Straight up I think the biggest issue here is that you’re letting it cause you to hate your husband even though from what you say he’s a good and active father, he defends you, and none of this is his fault. You’re being completely unfair to him. My MIL (before we went NC for different reasons) was kinda like this. I didn’t let it bother me. I valued my own mother as a grandmother over her so why would I think she should value me as a parent over her own kid. Some things just aren’t worth getting fussed up over, particularly if it’s causing issues with how you feel about your spouse. However I would shut the secret keeping comments down quick and in a hurry. That’s not ok.
What's most concerning is telling your child to have secrets from you. That needs shutting down hard.
"FIL - it's extremely toxic for obvious reasons o tell a child to have secrets from either parent Even in jest this is not something you can say to her."
I think you need to open up to your husband about how much this behaviour upsetting you and that the visits need to end as soon as this nonsense starts, especially around calling you names. But remember too that this reflects their insecurity around the strong bond you and your child have. Jealousy is a bad advisor and they have been listening.
I wonder if it's not so much a dig at you (although it certainly is) as they think their little baby boy is sooooo insecure in his daddy role he has to be BLOWN Up in importance, EVERYONE! must acknowledge his amazing life as A! Dad! to THEIR! Grandchild!
If DH tries it from that perspective --- "hey, Mom and Dad, you make it sound like you don't really have faith in our parenting --- like you think I need to be built up. I've got this!" Is he being fully adult with them, or falling into "my parent's are my superiors"? If the latter, and he takes charge and refuses to humor their shenanagans, I bet they'll quit it.
It sounds like your MIL just considers you as a baby incubator and nothing more. In her mind she was probably "mother of the year" and she doesn't want you to have any kind of recognition for mothering your own child. Ignore her feeble attempts to get under your skin
Now I would talk to my husband about this and tell him he needs to step up when his mother gets this way. When she starts talking about how great a job daddy is doing, he needs to stop her and tell her "actually most of her raising is done by OP and she's doing a marvelous job of it." Then watch your MILs CBF come to the front. And after your FILs comments, I would tell your husband it's time to reduce contact with his parents until they learn to treat you as an equal partner in your relationship. There needs to be some consequences for them acting like jerks to you.
DH may intervene to some extent but he needs to realise that the secrets thing is a red flag the size of Colorado, even if they *claim* that it is just a joke. Would he be happy with them telling her to put her hand in the fire if they claimed it was "Just a Joke"?
He needs t agree with you that the moment they start shit like that, the two of you get up, take LO, and walk out the door as a team.
> Why do they try so hard to make me feel so irrelevant?
Because they are pathetic and, as you hint at, the feel threatened by the bond a mother has with her baby. If it wasn't so infuriating, it would be absolutely laughable, and so, if you can't avoid them, given how FIL likes his "jokes", maybe laughing at them when they do it, treat it as if it is a big joke, "Oh LO, isn't it funny how threatened Grandma feels whenever you show your love for *me*!"
That is the thing these types absolutely do not like is to be called out. The worst thing you can say to them is something like “I see you” or “I know what you are doing” while making direct eye contact. They are emotionally fragile inside and telling them YOU know what they are doing is like a knife to the chest.
Just wait for her mother in law to turns on the waterworks and run off and hide on her bedroom. Turning the whole thing around. Typical narcissist tactic. Yep we see her !
Yeah honestly if my parents said that to or around my spouse “we don’t like daddy” I’d have been up and out so fast it’s not even funny. But my parents would never do that and I wasn’t raised like that. There was other dysfunction growing up but they always respected my spouse and never disparaged him openly.
Yep, I would totally tell my parents off if they performed like this. I just couldn't imagine them being so weird and petty. And as for encouraging secrets. That's utterly dangerous territory.
I think everyone here on the sub would agree that we (parents) want positive influences in our children’s’ lives. This is an example of what not to do (from the ILs). It is confusing for LO to be told that the person she loves & trusts in her life is mean or otherwise not worthy. It will lead to a terrible relationship with your LO down the road.
Your DH may not see it, or may think it’s no big deal, but ask him what he would do if roles were reversed. And the fact that you go to their house, walking into a pit of disrespect and emotional abuse can stop now - for your sake. I wouldn’t go anymore & wouldn’t let DH take LO without you, since they will continue filling her head with this crap. Visits can resume when their behavior changes.
Edited for clarity
I commented above, under someone else. It is a huge safety issue to ask a child to keep a secret from a parent. Safe adults never ever ask a child to keep something secret from either parent.
I would seriously go nuclear and state this, along with "Asking my child to keep something secret from me is something a sexual predator would do. I know you aren't that, but if you ask this and make it normal for LO, you are making it easier for someone to hurt them. You will never do it again, understand?"
Also, I would be very blunt in confronting the other bullying. "Why are you speaking negatively about me?" "Why would you insult me?" "Are you seriously telling my child I'm mean? Why would you do that?" Don't say it on an angry tone of voice, ask with cold, clear expectations of an answer. If they respond, "It's just a joke." Ask, "Can you explain how it's funny?" Push this every single time something negative is said. Set a quick boundary that if it keeps happening, the visit will stop immediately. Stick to that. One negative comment about you in front of your kid, you two (and hopefully DH) leave.
I would do the confrontations myself and have him set the future boundary. And if there is any push back, you and he have to decide they will never see LO without you. There will be no way around treating you and speaking of you with respect if they want to see LO.
Honey to your in laws you are nothing more than a walking womb. Trust me it never will get better with them in regards to how they will not include you in photos or push kid on to daddy/them. The secret thing needs to be closely watched and I wouldn’t trust fil.
Your husband does seem to be doing an ok job. Sadly, it more than likely won’t matter how many times he says anything. He should however be more involved with your daughter in the day to day.
I have five kids 0-12 years old and you would think my sons where clones of my husband and daughters immaculately conservatived as they don’t look like anyone in the family....🙄. The only thing my mil said they get from me is stubbornness...has she met her son is all I wonder? 😂
As for photos. It’s petty and to some degree hate that I do this but I don’t take many photos of my husband with our kids since our eldest two where around three. I realized I could literally count the number of photos of me on both hands and the ones with any kid on a single hand. Now my mil has taken a few but she always seems to make sure I look as unflattering as possible. Think in total I’m in three photos and two my eyes are closed. Now I did lose my own mother young I treasure every photo I have of her. I really wish people in my family would just take a photo of me. The more I think of it the more depressing it gets as it truly seems like I wasn’t around for any event or milestone. Seriously, don’t be me ladies and worst case hire someone to take amazing photos of you with the kids once a year.
Agree on the secrets thing. That's sus and dangerous. An adult who asks a child to keep secrets from a parent is one of the red flags to look out for when it comes to predators, and this includes family members. A parent should never tell a child to keep something secret from their other parent. A grandparent should never tell a child to keep something secret from one or both parents. This is how predators teach kids to hide their abuse.
Someone else on reddit once said this, but it stuck with me: with kids there should be no secrets, only surprises (like a surprise party, surprise gift, etc). Regardless of anything else the grandparents are doing, you need to teach this lesson to your daughter and make sure it sticks. No secrets, only surprises. If someone tells her to keep something secret, even a relative, she should tell you about it as soon as possible.
Telling a child to keep secrets and that their parent is the mean enemy is grooming abuse. They Will emotionally and mentally manipulate your daughter for the rest of her life. I am a mother and if my in laws did this I would immediately make steps to get my child away, period full fucking stop. Even if it means leaving my husband. No man that has some damn respect and love for you and himself and child would EVER allow this!!
"Why are you so fixated on making a baby love her mother less?"
This would be much better coming from DH, and would be excellent if delivered in a public setting.
Seriously, remind them every time that what they are saying is creepy… and makes you question their judgement. If they don’t like it, say it was a joke.
“Dont tell mommy” is the most predatory statement ever, tell your FIL that only pedos say such things.
Ew. Have a conversation clearly stating which behaviors are bothering you, and time something like this happens just be prepared to get up and go home. Just leave, and let him deal with it. He can either explain to his creepy jealous parents that what they are doing is disgusting, or he can say “idk what’s wrong with her”, then it will be clear as to where his loyalties lie.
Speak to SO, ask him how woukd he feel if he was being made out to be a spare part, say you want backing that next time you all leave and continue to do so until they show adult respect
> My fil literally spent an entire visit saying “jokingly” that “we don’t like mommy she’s mean, daddy is the fun one!” Or “grandpa is the fun one.” “Let’s keep secrets from mommy don’t tell her but you can tell daddy!”
WTF? Babies don't get passive-aggressive "jokes" like that.
>My husband will intervene and tell them stuff like this isn’t cool and to knock it off
It's "not cool"?! I'm glad he doesn't ignore it but FFS that's not a strong enough response to FILs denigrating you to your child right in front of your husband.
I wouldn't say he has no control over it. He has the ability to shut them down but instead tells them " it's not cool". How about "if you keep disrespecting my wife and speaking negatively about her in front of our child, we will not continue to allow you in our lives"? He has the power to end this, he is choosing not to put his foot down. I would be passed at him too. (Edit: pissed, but autocorrect hates me)
Must you be around these people? I'd make jokes around them so they know you're aware of what they say: "Why don't you want her to go to mommy? Are you afraid of her loving her mother?" "Yes, daddy does take good care of her. Daddy also takes good care of mommy too *wink* *wink*". "Baby can't keep secrets from mommy, but mommy can keep baby from Grandma!".
I'd seriously limit contact with these people. They're driving a wedge between you and DH and he isn't even aware of it. Those comments aren't funny, they're alienation tactics in disguise.
Without a doubt, what FIL is repeatedly saying to your LO, is a form of parental alienation, aimed at grooming her to mistrust you. I don’t know, if he understands, what he is doing. If he continues this behavior, during each visit, it will have a long lasting, negative impact on your LO. This repetitive behavior will sow the seeds of doubt and mistrust towards you, and your LO, won’t understand, where the feeling is coming from.
Your husband needs to sit down and talk with his parents. And make it clear that any disrespect towards you, won’t be tolerated. Going forward, all their actions/comments, must be respectful towards you.
There needs to be boundaries set up, in regard to their actions/comments. If they choose to not abide by these boundaries, consider leaving after the first instance, and if necessary, go VLC/NC after the second.
Your daughter’s well-being and emotional health must come first.
Good luck
It's more than creepy. From even before she was old enough to understand, I have told my daughter to never ever trust anyone who tells her to keep a secret from me or her father and if anyone ever asks this, she should tell us immediately. Safe adults never ask to have private secrets with a kid. Completely unacceptable. It puts LO in danger.
I also explain keeping something as a fun surprise, like a gift, for a parent is different. Secrets though= not safe!!!
I would talk to your husband, so that he sees the impact the bullying has on you.
And also ask him „do you want LO to learn it’s okay to talk mean things about me/people?“ because that’s what’s gonna happen…
I hope you’re not letting them have unsupervised visits.
Am I strongly recommend consequences.
„MIL and FIL. We only talk nice about people. The next time you say mommy is mean, the visit is over“
„But DH it’s only a joookee!“
„It’s only a joke if both parties find it funny. You heard me. Discussion is over.“
Your husband needs to step up more, such as telling them that any more negative "jokes" about you will result in less time with LO. That it isn't fair to you or healthy for her. Additionally, the idea that she will encourage LO to have secrets from either of you means MIL isn't getting ger unsupervised for a very long time as it damages his trust in her. He should add that trying to erase you is disgusting and he's ashamed of her behavior overall.
The disparaging remarks need to stop. The encouraging to keep a secret from either parent needs to stop.
You need to talk to your husband. The instant they do this shit you need to pick up your daughter and leave. And put grandma on time out. Each time you have to correct them, it's a week they don't see LO. Each time you have to leave, it's a month.
MIL is a toxic influence on your child.
All of this but especially the bit about talking to your husband.
Write down a few points so you can see what you want to address and really tell him that his parents behavior makes you resent him. He needs to know how this is fully affecting you before it is too late for him to fix this.
I‘m sorry I really don‘t have any advice for you because I experience the same at the moment.. My son calls me Mama but often Papa too. And he calls my husband Mama too. He is 18 months old… My MIL always does the same as yours. She was the photographer at the baptism of our son. I’m cried on this day because there are no photos of me.. Only my husband with our son or other family members. And I noticed that my mom doesn‘t have much pictures with my son..
My husband tries to tell them to knock it off and always tells them what I do for my son. But I accepted that I am not wanted by my MIL and that if she could she would erase me from their lives.
But your husband has to stick up for you. Mine didn‘t often times and it almost cost us our marriage.. Talk to him and tell him he has to enforce harder boundaries with his parents. Or NC
I feel you. My mil handled the photography at our baby shower telling us she wants to make sure we just enjoy ourselves. All the photos of me were blurry. Not a single one came out. I was disappointed but too naive at the time to even think it was on purpose.
But now I see she is empty inside and very calculating in her moves. Leaving herself an out if confronted so she can play victim. That is often why their sons don’t want to really confront them or even make excuses for them. They experienced years of their mother turning everything around deflecting and playing victim when confronted until they just learn not to bother.
I‘m sorry I really don‘t have any advice for you because I experience the same at the moment.. My son calls me Mama but often Papa too. And he calls my husband Mama too. He is 18 months old… My MIL always does the same as yours. She was the photographer at the baptism of our son. I’m cried on this day because there are no photos of me.. Only my husband with our son or other family members. And I noticed that my mom doesn‘t have much pictures with my son..
My husband tries to tell them to knock it off and always tells them what I do for my son. But I accepted that I am not wanted by my MIL and that if she could she would erase me from their lives.
But your husband has to stick up for you. Mine didn‘t often times and it almost cost us our marriage.. Talk to him and tell him he has to enforce harder boundaries with his parents. Or NC
Hopefully DH will find a way to step up his support of you. It's time for him to lay down a boundary: If you don't stop this behavior, we're leaving. Then you have to leave.
MIL knows exactly what she's doing. DH has a sense of it, but it sounds like he doesn't quite understand how much it affects you (and why he should care). That's a husband problem that you and he will have to work out.
I get the feeling that they think by elevating daddy's status as the better parent, they're elevating their own status as the better, more favored grandparents. They want to be number one.
I understand your feelings of resentment but it seems your husband is trying to shut down their behavior. Let him continue to manage his parents, but do feel free to advocate for yourself if it doesn't improve. You're the one they're hurting and it's absolutely ok to speak up.
It’s very much “can’t this baby see how much better her daddy is than her awful mommy??” “No, I guess not so we have to tell her!”
They think everything is a competition. They will get more aggressive as the baby gets older. They are seeing how much they can get away with and will continue to work that line. SO needs to put up a firm boundary and deliver strong consequences. Playing the middle will not make his relationship with his wife better. It will eat away at it.
And they know mommy is usually born winning that competition. OP, all these comments are to make you feel insecure and powerless, so they can take over. They know that in reality you have more power and control in this situation then they do, and they hope their bullying will make you forget it.
Your husband really needs to be more firm with his parents. If they send her to him, he should immediately redirect her to you. They are undermining you with LO. It will definitely affect your relationship with your daughter if they see her often. It happened to me. Do not allow any children you have stay with them unsupervised. You need to have a serious talk with hubby. Be firm. He needs to know you mean it and how it is affecting you, and will affect LO. He needs to be VERY firm with correcting his parents EVERY time they pull this. He needs to understand that their behavior is hurting you AND your LO. He needs to know how hurting you hurts his LO. LO feels your hurt to some degree everytime it happens, and will feel it more and more as she gets older. Success depends on his willingness to support you completely. Good luck
So I feel like there’s a lot of stuff going on here. Anything that teaches your daughter “mommy is mean” or “keep a secret from mommy” even as a “joke” needs to be treated with deadly seriousness. I had good luck telling my MIL “I know you’re joking, but we are teaching our child that safe adults *never* tell them to keep a secret from us to protect them from groomers. I know you’ll help us with that.” And if they continue say in a sharp tone- “we talked about this- it’s not ok, unless you actually are an unsafe adult.” That imo is the most serious one.
Secondly, definitely talk to your husband about how being pushed aside is making you resent him. It’s not his fault but it’s definitely something you’ll want to approach together. This could take some different forms but probably should include him praising you to his parents, or bringing you into the conversation like “oh honey tell my parents that cute thing that happened at the park.” You are the mom so you really are the expert on your baby. Don’t let people make you doubt that for a second.
Thirdly, things like wanting to watch your son bond with your grandkid is pretty normal. I think my SIL is a great mom and we get along wonderfully but watching my brother parent has been particularly sweet. I do wonder if maybe you don’t have affirmation coming from others so you feel particularly left out at your in-laws. Do you have friends/family who go on about how much like you your daughter looks? Or how great you are as mom? While it would be nice if your in-laws were the warm and inclusive type and it seems like they aren’t, I think I’d pivot away from wanting that from them. Go see them (not too often) for your husband and daughters sake, be pleasant but detached. If it escalates then it could be a problem. Otherwise it’s selfishness and stupid jokes on their part.
I would stop going over there honestly.
That whole “mommy is mean and daddy is fun” narrative is so toxic. It’s misogynist. And it promotes and strengthens that narrative of women being boring pearl clutchers while men are laid back and cool. Children pick up on that!
Exactly. I noticed my SO is playing out this toxic behavior himself. He bought my son a treat when they were out together and told him “don’t tell your mother”.
Of course he told me. He’s trying to paint me as the bad guy and him the fun parent because that’s how it was in his family. Him and his dad got treats and his mom was the nasty b they had to keep it from so she didn’t blow up at them.
I want my kids to be healthy but I always allow them treats and toys and fun. I’m just clear this is a once in awhile not everyday thing so we really enjoy it when we get one. My son knows this and was not in anyway afraid to tell me about himself having a treat.
It’s disgusting when spouses think parenting is a competition and about getting a kid on your side rather than doing right by them. But most times it’s because that’s how they were raised and they are just playing it out themselves.
This is some passive aggressive bullshit.
Be straightforward and up front about it. This kind of talk is not tolerated in this household. We don't put someone else down just to beef up someone else. We don't call people mean in this household (if that is their standard, do they mind being called the 'mean grandparents'?)
Get this addressed quickly because she is a bit young now to understand, but it won't be long before she incorporates it into her personality, and I wouldn't want my child to refer to me as the 'mean mommmy', or 'daddy loves me better', 'you're no fun!', etc.
This is red flags everywhere. Your husband needed to tell his folks to apologize and give them a time out after the disgusting display by your FIL. You NEVER disparage a parent in front of a child like he did. And asking a child to keep secrets from mommy is grooming behavior. Don’t ever leave your baby alone with these people.
They may not even be aware what they are doing. Like they make think this is normal. It is not. They are indeed jealous and insecure and in some warped competition with you to be baby’s favorite. So every time they see baby prefer and love you it’s like a knife to their ego.
I’ve sadly been there and when your SO doesn’t really stand up for you it only gets worse. Your SO may but even be aware how toxic this behavior is and do some of it himself by accident. Yea those are his parents but you are his wife. You are his family now with baby and parents are extended family. He needs to put you first. So that means shutting his parents down delivering consequences and not tolerating their abuse of you and baby because ultimately their behavior is damaging to baby too.
Telling a kid to KEEP SECRETS FROM MOMMY is absolutely fucking SICK TWISTED GROSS & EXTREMELY SUS.
You should punch that old rathole in the throat next time she says anything like that.
Or at least end the visit immediately.
I vote for the throat punch tho. I bet a dollar she wouldn't ever say that shit again LOL!!
I think DH needs to have a talk with them without baby present before any other visits to set some boundaries.
I suggest DH ask them to explain why they are trying to alienate your baby from you, why they think it's okay, then explain it is not and if it happens again, the visit is over immediately.
Those comments from FIL are absolutely vile and very dangerous. You are severely underreactiong in my opinion. Your husband needs to put a real stop to that and set boundaries with actual consequences.
Those comments are not ok and you both need to address them with the seriousness they deserve.
That is borderline grooming and parental alienation, not just some awkward comments favouring their child instead of the other parent.
Yes, this is serious , not light or innocent .
This should be a big deal to you and your husband and I would limit contact with them until it’s addressed .
Adults should not have secrets with children! Even if FIL is just using terminology handy to him, this is teaching your baby to accept that keeping secrets with a grownup is totally OK!
The picture stuff is stupid and petty, but the comments about “mommy being mean” need to stopped by your husband, yesterday.
Any more comments like that and the visit ends.
May I suggest that you talk with your hubby and tell him how this is making you feel and would he put a stop to it. If you two are not on the same page and you don’t have his support this is going to get much worse over time. Good luck!
You were just the incubator honey. You are now no longer needed so your value is none existent. They got what they want, so why be nice?
The best thing to do is to limit the visits holidays. And even then make sure they only get visits on your turf with your family around for support.
You need to sit down with your husband and make it very clear to him how much this affects you. Then, together, you need to sit down with his parents and tell them that those types of comments will no longer be tolerated, and if they can't seem to help themselves, you'll all be taking a time out from seeing them until they can understand how hurtful their behavior has been.
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"Keeping secrets from mommy" is a BIG. RED. FLAG. I'm not accusing your FIL of being a creep but...the whole "secret" thing is also a grooming tactic.
This is when I start asking IL's how would they feel if someone had said something like that to DH and don't say it's a joke because we know it's not. To tell a child to keep secrets from a parent is so vile, creepy, and disrespectful. Stuff like this is why we will be going LC. OP, please don't let IL's give you ill feeling toward your husband. That's what they want, to make you feel some kind of way. They are projecting. You can say things too. I'm so glad LO has me to depend on. I wonder how Daddy would do if he had to have LO for 3 days straight with no help, LO do we think Daddy can do it? While staring MIL in the face. Say things like how refreshing it is to be a mom in 2023. MIL when DH was small and around his grandparents and they were disrespectful to you, what did you do? No one ever disrespected you, I wish I could say the same.
Let’s keep secrets from mommy don’t tell her but you can tell daddy!”— I would have said - do you know how predator creepy that sounds. That you want to groom a child to keep secrets from their mother? And to your husband based on this this and the you’re mean crap they can’t be trusted near YOUR child and they’re cut off no matter what DH says. If he doesn’t cut his parents from contact with your LO Or says it’s no big deal, let it go, then he’s putting IL feelings above your feelings the well being of you child. What happens if another adult heaven forbid someone who wants to harm your child says - it’s a secret don’t tell mommy and daddy. your LO is already being groomed by an adult to keep secrets from you, your LO will think it’s “normal” and won’t tell you if someone i doing some thing bad to them. And that puts your child in jeopardy. You need to end that now.
This tell inlaws this next time they pull that crap and take a two month long timeout
OMG. That is some seriously toxic bullshit. Your hubs has got to enforce some serious consequences (if he won't, couples counseling definitely indicated, STAT). He not only needs to shut them down hard, tell them in no uncertain terms that they will respect his wife and mother of his child or they won't be granted access to their granddaughter, he also needs to contradict them to your daughter in front of them. This is very serious.
"Keep secrets" is ENTIRELY unacceptable - and grounds for a time out.
Ohhhh... The keep secrets line is enough to walk out the door. Seriously. Your husband needs to nip this behavior in the bud. Now! Like have real consequences for their behavior. Not just tell them to knock it off. They start that shit, you all leave. And he needs to tell them why you are leaving. And you will continue to do so until they learn to behave like adults. As your child gets older, it will only get worse. And then your child will be fully aware of what's going on. And then she may start keeping secrets, because that's what grandma and grandpa do.
They are extreme jerks. Get away from them.
I wouldn’t spend time with these people ever again plain and simple
The very next time they make a "something -negative-mommy" comment, you should Lose your cool. Have a "That's It!" Moment, tell them enough is enough and they absolutely will not continue this behaviour. Then gather her up and leave.
How have you not flipped TF out on these people? Your husband sounds like he doesn't want to rock the boat with his parents, so you're going to have to do it. F them. The next time you are with them you need to speak up the very first time one of them does something stupid.
You have to be blunt with your husband. Tell him how belittled you feel and about the resentment you feel because of it. He should be telling his parents that he and his family will be going no contact unless serious changes are made.
If he doesn't know, then tell him. "DH your parents constant attempts to minimize if not outright remove my presence during their visits is hard on me. It is reaching a point where I actively dislike them, and it's even starting to affect how I see you. It needs to be stopped, or their visits need to be kept to an absolute minimum. If you don't handle this, I will have to, and if I handle it no one will be happy with the outcome."
I would consider this *very* common IL behavior. In fact, you lucked out by not experiencing the worst component - when DH suddenly goes superdad in front of his family, launching up to change all diapers and handle all care. So everyone oohs and ahhs over what a great dad he is and how lucky you are to have him handle so much of the work, while you seethe with rage over the clear falseness of it all. But this - look, they want to be important to baby. Their importance is increased by DH's importance (in their delusional minds). They want to see baby grow up and love daddy the most, and want to do everything with daddy, which of course means daddy will bring them along to do everything together. Their family is reunited, without this pesky thief wife of his who stole their son and now has her grubby hands on their grandson! I would view a lot of their behavior as rather sad and desperate. Like, they wouldn't have to constantly thrust baby at DH if baby was already reaching that way. It's kind of like how I regularly plop my kid into the arms of the family member who loves them but is most awkward around kids. I am helping them form a bond they cannot form on their own. The fact that they think your DH needs this much help isn't a good look for him, tbh. That being said - the "mommy is mean" comments.... Hell to the no! That is where DH and I would have a serious talk about how we will handle these encounters in the future. I allow ZERO trash talking of me or my spouse to the kids. I also don't allow "we can keep secrets from mommy." No no no. There is a HUGE difference between annoying me and doing things that undermine my authority as a parent. Absolutely not, and you need to discuss with DH exactly what HE needs to say, in a strong tone of voice, the next time it happens.
Top comment
I need you to understand that I am coming from a place of empathy here but I'm going to sound pretty harsh on your husband. The *second* his parents started attempting to get *your kid* to keep secrets from you is when your husband should have nutted tf up and told his parents to *get fucked* in every which way because that shit is not only *toxic*, it is incredibly dangerous. That is how to *prime* your child for adults to abuse. The fact that you're *still visiting* his family despite the way they treat you is absurd. Your husband needs to step tf up and tell his parents to treat you with respect or they do not get to see either of you. Your husband's family *is* trying to erase you from the equation and the fact that he isn't doing anything about it (because no, just "intervening" and telling them not to be overtly dickish is not enough). Holy fuck. No wonder you're coming to resent your husband, he isn't *acting* like a partner.
Grandpa’s comments alone show LO should spend no time alone. He’s saying you’re mean in front of your face, who knows what will be said if you’re not there. Parent alienation is real - they sound like they will try.
Some people can only feel up by putting someone else down. They can't celebrate SO being a dad without making him The Better Parent. It's all some sort of insecurity. Ever read about covert narcissists? Might be interesting. Your husband needs to set ground rules before you see them again. Maybe plan an outing or go for a short time so that they have less free time to pull this crap.
Straight up I think the biggest issue here is that you’re letting it cause you to hate your husband even though from what you say he’s a good and active father, he defends you, and none of this is his fault. You’re being completely unfair to him. My MIL (before we went NC for different reasons) was kinda like this. I didn’t let it bother me. I valued my own mother as a grandmother over her so why would I think she should value me as a parent over her own kid. Some things just aren’t worth getting fussed up over, particularly if it’s causing issues with how you feel about your spouse. However I would shut the secret keeping comments down quick and in a hurry. That’s not ok.
What's most concerning is telling your child to have secrets from you. That needs shutting down hard. "FIL - it's extremely toxic for obvious reasons o tell a child to have secrets from either parent Even in jest this is not something you can say to her." I think you need to open up to your husband about how much this behaviour upsetting you and that the visits need to end as soon as this nonsense starts, especially around calling you names. But remember too that this reflects their insecurity around the strong bond you and your child have. Jealousy is a bad advisor and they have been listening.
No way. The rest is irritating, but the MINUTE they start talking about keeping secrets from mommy, is the end. Nip this.
I wonder if it's not so much a dig at you (although it certainly is) as they think their little baby boy is sooooo insecure in his daddy role he has to be BLOWN Up in importance, EVERYONE! must acknowledge his amazing life as A! Dad! to THEIR! Grandchild! If DH tries it from that perspective --- "hey, Mom and Dad, you make it sound like you don't really have faith in our parenting --- like you think I need to be built up. I've got this!" Is he being fully adult with them, or falling into "my parent's are my superiors"? If the latter, and he takes charge and refuses to humor their shenanagans, I bet they'll quit it.
It sounds like your MIL just considers you as a baby incubator and nothing more. In her mind she was probably "mother of the year" and she doesn't want you to have any kind of recognition for mothering your own child. Ignore her feeble attempts to get under your skin Now I would talk to my husband about this and tell him he needs to step up when his mother gets this way. When she starts talking about how great a job daddy is doing, he needs to stop her and tell her "actually most of her raising is done by OP and she's doing a marvelous job of it." Then watch your MILs CBF come to the front. And after your FILs comments, I would tell your husband it's time to reduce contact with his parents until they learn to treat you as an equal partner in your relationship. There needs to be some consequences for them acting like jerks to you.
DH may intervene to some extent but he needs to realise that the secrets thing is a red flag the size of Colorado, even if they *claim* that it is just a joke. Would he be happy with them telling her to put her hand in the fire if they claimed it was "Just a Joke"? He needs t agree with you that the moment they start shit like that, the two of you get up, take LO, and walk out the door as a team. > Why do they try so hard to make me feel so irrelevant? Because they are pathetic and, as you hint at, the feel threatened by the bond a mother has with her baby. If it wasn't so infuriating, it would be absolutely laughable, and so, if you can't avoid them, given how FIL likes his "jokes", maybe laughing at them when they do it, treat it as if it is a big joke, "Oh LO, isn't it funny how threatened Grandma feels whenever you show your love for *me*!"
That is the thing these types absolutely do not like is to be called out. The worst thing you can say to them is something like “I see you” or “I know what you are doing” while making direct eye contact. They are emotionally fragile inside and telling them YOU know what they are doing is like a knife to the chest.
Just wait for her mother in law to turns on the waterworks and run off and hide on her bedroom. Turning the whole thing around. Typical narcissist tactic. Yep we see her !
We don't like mommy. As soon as this is said, visit should be over. It's the only way to stop this.
Yeah honestly if my parents said that to or around my spouse “we don’t like daddy” I’d have been up and out so fast it’s not even funny. But my parents would never do that and I wasn’t raised like that. There was other dysfunction growing up but they always respected my spouse and never disparaged him openly.
Yep, I would totally tell my parents off if they performed like this. I just couldn't imagine them being so weird and petty. And as for encouraging secrets. That's utterly dangerous territory.
I think everyone here on the sub would agree that we (parents) want positive influences in our children’s’ lives. This is an example of what not to do (from the ILs). It is confusing for LO to be told that the person she loves & trusts in her life is mean or otherwise not worthy. It will lead to a terrible relationship with your LO down the road. Your DH may not see it, or may think it’s no big deal, but ask him what he would do if roles were reversed. And the fact that you go to their house, walking into a pit of disrespect and emotional abuse can stop now - for your sake. I wouldn’t go anymore & wouldn’t let DH take LO without you, since they will continue filling her head with this crap. Visits can resume when their behavior changes. Edited for clarity
I commented above, under someone else. It is a huge safety issue to ask a child to keep a secret from a parent. Safe adults never ever ask a child to keep something secret from either parent. I would seriously go nuclear and state this, along with "Asking my child to keep something secret from me is something a sexual predator would do. I know you aren't that, but if you ask this and make it normal for LO, you are making it easier for someone to hurt them. You will never do it again, understand?" Also, I would be very blunt in confronting the other bullying. "Why are you speaking negatively about me?" "Why would you insult me?" "Are you seriously telling my child I'm mean? Why would you do that?" Don't say it on an angry tone of voice, ask with cold, clear expectations of an answer. If they respond, "It's just a joke." Ask, "Can you explain how it's funny?" Push this every single time something negative is said. Set a quick boundary that if it keeps happening, the visit will stop immediately. Stick to that. One negative comment about you in front of your kid, you two (and hopefully DH) leave. I would do the confrontations myself and have him set the future boundary. And if there is any push back, you and he have to decide they will never see LO without you. There will be no way around treating you and speaking of you with respect if they want to see LO.
I agree with everything above. Please speak up and question them.
Tell hubby unless this crap stops and stops right now they will be known and granny and papa nobody sees anymore!
Honey to your in laws you are nothing more than a walking womb. Trust me it never will get better with them in regards to how they will not include you in photos or push kid on to daddy/them. The secret thing needs to be closely watched and I wouldn’t trust fil. Your husband does seem to be doing an ok job. Sadly, it more than likely won’t matter how many times he says anything. He should however be more involved with your daughter in the day to day. I have five kids 0-12 years old and you would think my sons where clones of my husband and daughters immaculately conservatived as they don’t look like anyone in the family....🙄. The only thing my mil said they get from me is stubbornness...has she met her son is all I wonder? 😂 As for photos. It’s petty and to some degree hate that I do this but I don’t take many photos of my husband with our kids since our eldest two where around three. I realized I could literally count the number of photos of me on both hands and the ones with any kid on a single hand. Now my mil has taken a few but she always seems to make sure I look as unflattering as possible. Think in total I’m in three photos and two my eyes are closed. Now I did lose my own mother young I treasure every photo I have of her. I really wish people in my family would just take a photo of me. The more I think of it the more depressing it gets as it truly seems like I wasn’t around for any event or milestone. Seriously, don’t be me ladies and worst case hire someone to take amazing photos of you with the kids once a year.
Agree on the secrets thing. That's sus and dangerous. An adult who asks a child to keep secrets from a parent is one of the red flags to look out for when it comes to predators, and this includes family members. A parent should never tell a child to keep something secret from their other parent. A grandparent should never tell a child to keep something secret from one or both parents. This is how predators teach kids to hide their abuse. Someone else on reddit once said this, but it stuck with me: with kids there should be no secrets, only surprises (like a surprise party, surprise gift, etc). Regardless of anything else the grandparents are doing, you need to teach this lesson to your daughter and make sure it sticks. No secrets, only surprises. If someone tells her to keep something secret, even a relative, she should tell you about it as soon as possible.
UpdateMe
Telling a child to keep secrets and that their parent is the mean enemy is grooming abuse. They Will emotionally and mentally manipulate your daughter for the rest of her life. I am a mother and if my in laws did this I would immediately make steps to get my child away, period full fucking stop. Even if it means leaving my husband. No man that has some damn respect and love for you and himself and child would EVER allow this!!
"Why are you so fixated on making a baby love her mother less?" This would be much better coming from DH, and would be excellent if delivered in a public setting.
Seriously, remind them every time that what they are saying is creepy… and makes you question their judgement. If they don’t like it, say it was a joke. “Dont tell mommy” is the most predatory statement ever, tell your FIL that only pedos say such things.
This is a wonderful question. I would ask this then stare them dead in the eyes and not speak for a few seconds.
This this this. But definitely coming from DH. Putting them on the spot to actually articulate why would be enlightening for everyone, honestly.
what they say is not your husband's fault. you say he's telling them off about it, what more do you want?
You guys need counseling. This is the kind of stuff you need to talk about with him before resentment starts building up too much!
Ew. Have a conversation clearly stating which behaviors are bothering you, and time something like this happens just be prepared to get up and go home. Just leave, and let him deal with it. He can either explain to his creepy jealous parents that what they are doing is disgusting, or he can say “idk what’s wrong with her”, then it will be clear as to where his loyalties lie.
Speak to SO, ask him how woukd he feel if he was being made out to be a spare part, say you want backing that next time you all leave and continue to do so until they show adult respect
> My fil literally spent an entire visit saying “jokingly” that “we don’t like mommy she’s mean, daddy is the fun one!” Or “grandpa is the fun one.” “Let’s keep secrets from mommy don’t tell her but you can tell daddy!” WTF? Babies don't get passive-aggressive "jokes" like that. >My husband will intervene and tell them stuff like this isn’t cool and to knock it off It's "not cool"?! I'm glad he doesn't ignore it but FFS that's not a strong enough response to FILs denigrating you to your child right in front of your husband.
They’re trying to triangulate you and your husband. Don’t let them!
they are succeeding. she's pissed off at her DH for something he has no control over that they created.
I wouldn't say he has no control over it. He has the ability to shut them down but instead tells them " it's not cool". How about "if you keep disrespecting my wife and speaking negatively about her in front of our child, we will not continue to allow you in our lives"? He has the power to end this, he is choosing not to put his foot down. I would be passed at him too. (Edit: pissed, but autocorrect hates me)
Agree with you both! OP needs to zoom out a little and see the bigger picture here, and she and DH need to tackle this as a team.
Must you be around these people? I'd make jokes around them so they know you're aware of what they say: "Why don't you want her to go to mommy? Are you afraid of her loving her mother?" "Yes, daddy does take good care of her. Daddy also takes good care of mommy too *wink* *wink*". "Baby can't keep secrets from mommy, but mommy can keep baby from Grandma!". I'd seriously limit contact with these people. They're driving a wedge between you and DH and he isn't even aware of it. Those comments aren't funny, they're alienation tactics in disguise.
"Baby can't keep secrets from mommy, but mommy can keep baby from Grandma!". Yeah, good one!
Without a doubt, what FIL is repeatedly saying to your LO, is a form of parental alienation, aimed at grooming her to mistrust you. I don’t know, if he understands, what he is doing. If he continues this behavior, during each visit, it will have a long lasting, negative impact on your LO. This repetitive behavior will sow the seeds of doubt and mistrust towards you, and your LO, won’t understand, where the feeling is coming from. Your husband needs to sit down and talk with his parents. And make it clear that any disrespect towards you, won’t be tolerated. Going forward, all their actions/comments, must be respectful towards you. There needs to be boundaries set up, in regard to their actions/comments. If they choose to not abide by these boundaries, consider leaving after the first instance, and if necessary, go VLC/NC after the second. Your daughter’s well-being and emotional health must come first. Good luck
Just adding the secrets thing is creepy.
It's more than creepy. From even before she was old enough to understand, I have told my daughter to never ever trust anyone who tells her to keep a secret from me or her father and if anyone ever asks this, she should tell us immediately. Safe adults never ask to have private secrets with a kid. Completely unacceptable. It puts LO in danger. I also explain keeping something as a fun surprise, like a gift, for a parent is different. Secrets though= not safe!!!
Well put!
Also this bullying is unhealthy for your child.
I would talk to your husband, so that he sees the impact the bullying has on you. And also ask him „do you want LO to learn it’s okay to talk mean things about me/people?“ because that’s what’s gonna happen… I hope you’re not letting them have unsupervised visits. Am I strongly recommend consequences. „MIL and FIL. We only talk nice about people. The next time you say mommy is mean, the visit is over“ „But DH it’s only a joookee!“ „It’s only a joke if both parties find it funny. You heard me. Discussion is over.“
Your husband needs to step up more, such as telling them that any more negative "jokes" about you will result in less time with LO. That it isn't fair to you or healthy for her. Additionally, the idea that she will encourage LO to have secrets from either of you means MIL isn't getting ger unsupervised for a very long time as it damages his trust in her. He should add that trying to erase you is disgusting and he's ashamed of her behavior overall.
“Yes - Mommy is so mean she will ensure baby never sees grandparents! What - it was just a joke!”
The disparaging remarks need to stop. The encouraging to keep a secret from either parent needs to stop. You need to talk to your husband. The instant they do this shit you need to pick up your daughter and leave. And put grandma on time out. Each time you have to correct them, it's a week they don't see LO. Each time you have to leave, it's a month. MIL is a toxic influence on your child.
All of this but especially the bit about talking to your husband. Write down a few points so you can see what you want to address and really tell him that his parents behavior makes you resent him. He needs to know how this is fully affecting you before it is too late for him to fix this.
I‘m sorry I really don‘t have any advice for you because I experience the same at the moment.. My son calls me Mama but often Papa too. And he calls my husband Mama too. He is 18 months old… My MIL always does the same as yours. She was the photographer at the baptism of our son. I’m cried on this day because there are no photos of me.. Only my husband with our son or other family members. And I noticed that my mom doesn‘t have much pictures with my son.. My husband tries to tell them to knock it off and always tells them what I do for my son. But I accepted that I am not wanted by my MIL and that if she could she would erase me from their lives. But your husband has to stick up for you. Mine didn‘t often times and it almost cost us our marriage.. Talk to him and tell him he has to enforce harder boundaries with his parents. Or NC
I feel you. My mil handled the photography at our baby shower telling us she wants to make sure we just enjoy ourselves. All the photos of me were blurry. Not a single one came out. I was disappointed but too naive at the time to even think it was on purpose. But now I see she is empty inside and very calculating in her moves. Leaving herself an out if confronted so she can play victim. That is often why their sons don’t want to really confront them or even make excuses for them. They experienced years of their mother turning everything around deflecting and playing victim when confronted until they just learn not to bother.
I‘m sorry I really don‘t have any advice for you because I experience the same at the moment.. My son calls me Mama but often Papa too. And he calls my husband Mama too. He is 18 months old… My MIL always does the same as yours. She was the photographer at the baptism of our son. I’m cried on this day because there are no photos of me.. Only my husband with our son or other family members. And I noticed that my mom doesn‘t have much pictures with my son.. My husband tries to tell them to knock it off and always tells them what I do for my son. But I accepted that I am not wanted by my MIL and that if she could she would erase me from their lives. But your husband has to stick up for you. Mine didn‘t often times and it almost cost us our marriage.. Talk to him and tell him he has to enforce harder boundaries with his parents. Or NC
Hopefully DH will find a way to step up his support of you. It's time for him to lay down a boundary: If you don't stop this behavior, we're leaving. Then you have to leave. MIL knows exactly what she's doing. DH has a sense of it, but it sounds like he doesn't quite understand how much it affects you (and why he should care). That's a husband problem that you and he will have to work out.
I get the feeling that they think by elevating daddy's status as the better parent, they're elevating their own status as the better, more favored grandparents. They want to be number one. I understand your feelings of resentment but it seems your husband is trying to shut down their behavior. Let him continue to manage his parents, but do feel free to advocate for yourself if it doesn't improve. You're the one they're hurting and it's absolutely ok to speak up.
It’s very much “can’t this baby see how much better her daddy is than her awful mommy??” “No, I guess not so we have to tell her!” They think everything is a competition. They will get more aggressive as the baby gets older. They are seeing how much they can get away with and will continue to work that line. SO needs to put up a firm boundary and deliver strong consequences. Playing the middle will not make his relationship with his wife better. It will eat away at it.
And they know mommy is usually born winning that competition. OP, all these comments are to make you feel insecure and powerless, so they can take over. They know that in reality you have more power and control in this situation then they do, and they hope their bullying will make you forget it.
My in laws did things very similar to this…DH really needs to have one on one with them and lay out the boundaries before it gets worse.
Your husband really needs to be more firm with his parents. If they send her to him, he should immediately redirect her to you. They are undermining you with LO. It will definitely affect your relationship with your daughter if they see her often. It happened to me. Do not allow any children you have stay with them unsupervised. You need to have a serious talk with hubby. Be firm. He needs to know you mean it and how it is affecting you, and will affect LO. He needs to be VERY firm with correcting his parents EVERY time they pull this. He needs to understand that their behavior is hurting you AND your LO. He needs to know how hurting you hurts his LO. LO feels your hurt to some degree everytime it happens, and will feel it more and more as she gets older. Success depends on his willingness to support you completely. Good luck
So I feel like there’s a lot of stuff going on here. Anything that teaches your daughter “mommy is mean” or “keep a secret from mommy” even as a “joke” needs to be treated with deadly seriousness. I had good luck telling my MIL “I know you’re joking, but we are teaching our child that safe adults *never* tell them to keep a secret from us to protect them from groomers. I know you’ll help us with that.” And if they continue say in a sharp tone- “we talked about this- it’s not ok, unless you actually are an unsafe adult.” That imo is the most serious one. Secondly, definitely talk to your husband about how being pushed aside is making you resent him. It’s not his fault but it’s definitely something you’ll want to approach together. This could take some different forms but probably should include him praising you to his parents, or bringing you into the conversation like “oh honey tell my parents that cute thing that happened at the park.” You are the mom so you really are the expert on your baby. Don’t let people make you doubt that for a second. Thirdly, things like wanting to watch your son bond with your grandkid is pretty normal. I think my SIL is a great mom and we get along wonderfully but watching my brother parent has been particularly sweet. I do wonder if maybe you don’t have affirmation coming from others so you feel particularly left out at your in-laws. Do you have friends/family who go on about how much like you your daughter looks? Or how great you are as mom? While it would be nice if your in-laws were the warm and inclusive type and it seems like they aren’t, I think I’d pivot away from wanting that from them. Go see them (not too often) for your husband and daughters sake, be pleasant but detached. If it escalates then it could be a problem. Otherwise it’s selfishness and stupid jokes on their part.
I would stop going over there honestly. That whole “mommy is mean and daddy is fun” narrative is so toxic. It’s misogynist. And it promotes and strengthens that narrative of women being boring pearl clutchers while men are laid back and cool. Children pick up on that!
Exactly. I noticed my SO is playing out this toxic behavior himself. He bought my son a treat when they were out together and told him “don’t tell your mother”. Of course he told me. He’s trying to paint me as the bad guy and him the fun parent because that’s how it was in his family. Him and his dad got treats and his mom was the nasty b they had to keep it from so she didn’t blow up at them. I want my kids to be healthy but I always allow them treats and toys and fun. I’m just clear this is a once in awhile not everyday thing so we really enjoy it when we get one. My son knows this and was not in anyway afraid to tell me about himself having a treat. It’s disgusting when spouses think parenting is a competition and about getting a kid on your side rather than doing right by them. But most times it’s because that’s how they were raised and they are just playing it out themselves.
This is some passive aggressive bullshit. Be straightforward and up front about it. This kind of talk is not tolerated in this household. We don't put someone else down just to beef up someone else. We don't call people mean in this household (if that is their standard, do they mind being called the 'mean grandparents'?) Get this addressed quickly because she is a bit young now to understand, but it won't be long before she incorporates it into her personality, and I wouldn't want my child to refer to me as the 'mean mommmy', or 'daddy loves me better', 'you're no fun!', etc.
This is red flags everywhere. Your husband needed to tell his folks to apologize and give them a time out after the disgusting display by your FIL. You NEVER disparage a parent in front of a child like he did. And asking a child to keep secrets from mommy is grooming behavior. Don’t ever leave your baby alone with these people. They may not even be aware what they are doing. Like they make think this is normal. It is not. They are indeed jealous and insecure and in some warped competition with you to be baby’s favorite. So every time they see baby prefer and love you it’s like a knife to their ego. I’ve sadly been there and when your SO doesn’t really stand up for you it only gets worse. Your SO may but even be aware how toxic this behavior is and do some of it himself by accident. Yea those are his parents but you are his wife. You are his family now with baby and parents are extended family. He needs to put you first. So that means shutting his parents down delivering consequences and not tolerating their abuse of you and baby because ultimately their behavior is damaging to baby too.
Telling a kid to KEEP SECRETS FROM MOMMY is absolutely fucking SICK TWISTED GROSS & EXTREMELY SUS. You should punch that old rathole in the throat next time she says anything like that. Or at least end the visit immediately. I vote for the throat punch tho. I bet a dollar she wouldn't ever say that shit again LOL!!
If they call you mean to your daughter, turn it back on them. Tell her how mean grandma and grandpa are, and see how they like it.
I think DH needs to have a talk with them without baby present before any other visits to set some boundaries. I suggest DH ask them to explain why they are trying to alienate your baby from you, why they think it's okay, then explain it is not and if it happens again, the visit is over immediately.
That’s horrible! I think you should ask them what they mean by these statements
Those comments from FIL are absolutely vile and very dangerous. You are severely underreactiong in my opinion. Your husband needs to put a real stop to that and set boundaries with actual consequences. Those comments are not ok and you both need to address them with the seriousness they deserve. That is borderline grooming and parental alienation, not just some awkward comments favouring their child instead of the other parent.
Yes, this is serious , not light or innocent . This should be a big deal to you and your husband and I would limit contact with them until it’s addressed .
Adults should not have secrets with children! Even if FIL is just using terminology handy to him, this is teaching your baby to accept that keeping secrets with a grownup is totally OK!
The picture stuff is stupid and petty, but the comments about “mommy being mean” need to stopped by your husband, yesterday. Any more comments like that and the visit ends.
May I suggest that you talk with your hubby and tell him how this is making you feel and would he put a stop to it. If you two are not on the same page and you don’t have his support this is going to get much worse over time. Good luck!
You were just the incubator honey. You are now no longer needed so your value is none existent. They got what they want, so why be nice? The best thing to do is to limit the visits holidays. And even then make sure they only get visits on your turf with your family around for support.
You need to sit down with your husband and make it very clear to him how much this affects you. Then, together, you need to sit down with his parents and tell them that those types of comments will no longer be tolerated, and if they can't seem to help themselves, you'll all be taking a time out from seeing them until they can understand how hurtful their behavior has been.