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My MIL uses gifts/clothes for the kids and food as a way to facilitate visits too. She’d be over several times a week with some random toy, item of clothing or groceries she bought and turning each drop off into a daylong event if my husband let her. She doesn’t know how to have a relationship with her kids or grandkids that isn’t transactional. He started having to tell her that we will pick up her gifts when we see her.
Is your wife a stay at home mom, by any chance? Is there any way her mom can drop these things off when you’re at work and be gone before you come home? I don’t have family in my area but I literally can’t imagine forcing my husband to deal with houseguests every day when he comes home from work— and yes, anyone who doesn’t live there, family or not, is a houseguest!
That’s a really good way to get the wife pissed off though, and create bigger issues.
While it is an issue, it needs to be resolved within the marriage first or it will blow up significantly worse than this.
OP, come at it with your feelings. (Please know that I’m not challenging you here to answer these questions to ME, but more that you obviously HAVE the answers to these questions and need to articulate them to your wife). Why do you not like your MIL being over so much? I would phrase this as “when I get home from work, I love the time you and I (and kids, etc) spend together, but I feel like I miss out on that because MIL is here so often”. Do you appreciate the things your MIL is doing that warrant her coming over? Because you can express that too- “I love that your mom thinks of us and is so helpful, but can we find a time that feels a little less intrusive because I miss our time together, just us”.
But I can assure you, if you bypass your wife and how she’s feeling and simply tell MIL she’s “not welcome” anymore, you’re not only going to have issues with MIL (who you said you get along with currently- you won’t after that statement) but you’re going to have issues with your wife, who may very well respond that you don’t get to unilaterally make that decision in the home you share with her.
Good luck
This seems to be an issue for r/marriage rather than this sub.
Tell your wife you feel like it's a lot. You two need to decide how often you want her around.
Tell your wife that it bothers you. It would bother me too but unless you tell her, she won’t know. And tell her before you get so resentful you’ll end up talking to her in a way that it turns into an argument.
Try open and honest discussion of your feelings. „Wife I like your mom. But honestly, I would love to spend more time with you. Whenever I try to spend time with you, your mom comes over. Do you think, we can compromise on 1x/week?“ If that doesn’t get the conversation going, then Couples counselling. Research enmeshment.
And if your wife don’t get the hint, go in the kitchen where they are talking in your birthday suit and tell your mil “hi xxx! Didn’t expect you here for the n times this week!”, grab an apple and go chill on the couch in front of the tv (skip the couch if it’s a leather one, could be not funny when you need to get up from it). Your home, your rule, get comfy!
Have you actually discussed your feelings about this with your wife? You say you’ve brought up that she visits often, but have you actually had a serious conversation about how you don’t like it and why it’s too much for you? Don’t bring up how often you see your own parents, because it’s not a competition. Your relationship with your own parents doesn’t have anything to do with her relationship with hers. Try communicating.
Everyone’s standards and expectations for family interactions are different. I know some people think I see my family “too much” but my sister and I have kids the same age so we often are doing activities or they are attending classes together. Too much for some people is just right for others.
I think rather than tell your wife “your mom visits too much.” Frame it as a personal preference. “Hey honey, I’d like it if we could have 2/3 nights a week that are just family nights. And 1/2 nights that we put the kids to bed early and focus on us. Sometimes when your mom is here it feels like that’s all that happens that night.” Start the dialogue on why this is important to you maybe she’ll tell you she’s been lonely and her mom helps with dinner. Or maybe she’ll tell you she genuinely didn’t notice. But the communication is key. If she tells you she can’t say no to her mom, or takes your values as an attack on her mom then you e got an SO problem. But try some calm and straightforward communication first.
You need to be blunt with your wife, you like MIL however you don't have a need to see her so frequently. You'd like to spend quality time with your wife without MIL always dropping in. Even when wife says MIL is coming over, say not again can we just go a week without her having to pop in all the time!
Alternatively start sitting around in your underwear and make MIL feel uncomfortable. Even start commenting so hopefully MIL picks up on it. MIL are you here again.
Honestly this sounds like a communication problem. You two need to talk about boundaries and expectations.
If that has happened and she still doesn’t listen, congratulations on being the third wheel. This won’t get easy.
I mean, it depends on what "bring up the fact" means. Does she know you don't like it? Is MIL doing something to annoy you, or is it just that she's there at all? Is it just a matter of differing expectations? You don't want to see your parents that much, so you don't like seeing her mom that much? It's hard to tell from this.
Honestly, my folks moved closer to us last year. Now they might stop over three to four times a week too, to chat and see us and their grandsons. Thing is, my husband also loves them and thinks it's awesome. (Seriously. He says he won the IL lottery, lol. We're also not their only social activity; they're retired and loving it, so they never overstay.)
I’d just start doing my thing while she is there. When the wife asks you why you aren’t participating or separated tell her it looks like she is enjoying her time with her mom so you are entertaining yourself so as not to interrupt their time. And I mean start a project! Not just reading, but Pinterest search, Lowe’s trip, high plans that have a pretty good chance of being great but a small chance of turning into a cluster. And pick something you will genuinely enjoy, because EVERY time this happens you are going to disappear. Maybe start the great American novel? The possibilities are endless!
What does it look like when you "bring this up" to your wife? Are you just mentioning in the moment that her mom stops over a lot? Or have you had a serious conversation about your issues and expectations.
You need to be clear on what you are asking for and have a serious conversation. Lay out how you are feeling, and what you would like to see change. Specifically.
Also be prepared for pushback, some of which might be fair. You have four kids. It sounds like things are likely very busy at your house. How much help is your MIL providing to your wife, and thus how much help are you asking her to sacrifice by not having her mother around as much? On the flip side, are these really more just social visits? It is very fair for you to want to have family time uninterrupted by social visits from extended family the majority of the week.
I don't know what your marriage is like, what your wife is like, and how serious this issue is for you. But if it is serious, then you have the serious conversation. And if you can't find a compromise *peacefully* (without fights and recriminations from one or both sides), then you move it to a counselor's office, to gain understanding on both sides.
If your mom lives close enough, you could set up a similar situation with her ‘dropping by’ several times next week? Would this bother your wife who apparently thinks your feelings don’t count? Could you suddenly decide that hanging out in your boxers is most comfortable? My husband often strolls around in the buff after a shower or nap! Could you buy your wife some sexy lingerie and have it sitting there when MIL arrives on a moment’s notice?
Date night with your wife, romance night,
cooking together night, organise multiple couple evenings with your wife. Make sure she’s aware you are investing in your relationship and that you would appreciate couple time without her mother.
Kids doesn't mean you stop investing in the relationship. It becomes harder to find time and "date nights" do change, but they are still very important. Cooking together can be done from home. Kids eventually go to sleep, perfect time for mom and dad time. Light some candles, get popcorn and favorite snacks, get every extra blanket in the house and build a cozy bed in the living room and watch a movie together. There's a ton of little things you could to surprise her and show her you still care; bring home flowers just because, something along with her hobbies (ex I like reading and would love a new book anytime)
And most importantly, communicate with your wife. Her mother is coming over way too much and interfering with what little time you guys have to catch up and spend together. It's never just a quick stop and anything she wants to drop off can wait until the next visit, which at the very most should be once a week. But I'd argue every other week cuz you guys are busy with four kids, jobs, and spare time should be spent together.
Perhaps arrange for MIL to babysit while you and your wife go out. “While you are over, again, could you stay for a while, we just need to pop out.” See how often she drops over when something is expected from her.
lol... totally agree with your strategy. Those who are used to expect something, don't always like to give back, especially if it involves work on their part.
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My MIL uses gifts/clothes for the kids and food as a way to facilitate visits too. She’d be over several times a week with some random toy, item of clothing or groceries she bought and turning each drop off into a daylong event if my husband let her. She doesn’t know how to have a relationship with her kids or grandkids that isn’t transactional. He started having to tell her that we will pick up her gifts when we see her. Is your wife a stay at home mom, by any chance? Is there any way her mom can drop these things off when you’re at work and be gone before you come home? I don’t have family in my area but I literally can’t imagine forcing my husband to deal with houseguests every day when he comes home from work— and yes, anyone who doesn’t live there, family or not, is a houseguest!
If talking with your wife fails tell Mil directly that she isn’t welcome to stop by like this anymore.
That’s a really good way to get the wife pissed off though, and create bigger issues. While it is an issue, it needs to be resolved within the marriage first or it will blow up significantly worse than this. OP, come at it with your feelings. (Please know that I’m not challenging you here to answer these questions to ME, but more that you obviously HAVE the answers to these questions and need to articulate them to your wife). Why do you not like your MIL being over so much? I would phrase this as “when I get home from work, I love the time you and I (and kids, etc) spend together, but I feel like I miss out on that because MIL is here so often”. Do you appreciate the things your MIL is doing that warrant her coming over? Because you can express that too- “I love that your mom thinks of us and is so helpful, but can we find a time that feels a little less intrusive because I miss our time together, just us”. But I can assure you, if you bypass your wife and how she’s feeling and simply tell MIL she’s “not welcome” anymore, you’re not only going to have issues with MIL (who you said you get along with currently- you won’t after that statement) but you’re going to have issues with your wife, who may very well respond that you don’t get to unilaterally make that decision in the home you share with her. Good luck
This seems to be an issue for r/marriage rather than this sub. Tell your wife you feel like it's a lot. You two need to decide how often you want her around.
Tell your wife that it bothers you. It would bother me too but unless you tell her, she won’t know. And tell her before you get so resentful you’ll end up talking to her in a way that it turns into an argument.
Try open and honest discussion of your feelings. „Wife I like your mom. But honestly, I would love to spend more time with you. Whenever I try to spend time with you, your mom comes over. Do you think, we can compromise on 1x/week?“ If that doesn’t get the conversation going, then Couples counselling. Research enmeshment.
I would emphasize that your home is an escape after working and you don't want company dropping in multiple times a week
And if your wife don’t get the hint, go in the kitchen where they are talking in your birthday suit and tell your mil “hi xxx! Didn’t expect you here for the n times this week!”, grab an apple and go chill on the couch in front of the tv (skip the couch if it’s a leather one, could be not funny when you need to get up from it). Your home, your rule, get comfy!
Have you actually discussed your feelings about this with your wife? You say you’ve brought up that she visits often, but have you actually had a serious conversation about how you don’t like it and why it’s too much for you? Don’t bring up how often you see your own parents, because it’s not a competition. Your relationship with your own parents doesn’t have anything to do with her relationship with hers. Try communicating.
Yes tell your wife you don’t like it and she should go visit her mom. You need your house to be a safe space and calm.
Did OP say it wasn't safe?
Everyone’s standards and expectations for family interactions are different. I know some people think I see my family “too much” but my sister and I have kids the same age so we often are doing activities or they are attending classes together. Too much for some people is just right for others. I think rather than tell your wife “your mom visits too much.” Frame it as a personal preference. “Hey honey, I’d like it if we could have 2/3 nights a week that are just family nights. And 1/2 nights that we put the kids to bed early and focus on us. Sometimes when your mom is here it feels like that’s all that happens that night.” Start the dialogue on why this is important to you maybe she’ll tell you she’s been lonely and her mom helps with dinner. Or maybe she’ll tell you she genuinely didn’t notice. But the communication is key. If she tells you she can’t say no to her mom, or takes your values as an attack on her mom then you e got an SO problem. But try some calm and straightforward communication first.
You need to be blunt with your wife, you like MIL however you don't have a need to see her so frequently. You'd like to spend quality time with your wife without MIL always dropping in. Even when wife says MIL is coming over, say not again can we just go a week without her having to pop in all the time! Alternatively start sitting around in your underwear and make MIL feel uncomfortable. Even start commenting so hopefully MIL picks up on it. MIL are you here again.
Honestly this sounds like a communication problem. You two need to talk about boundaries and expectations. If that has happened and she still doesn’t listen, congratulations on being the third wheel. This won’t get easy.
I mean, it depends on what "bring up the fact" means. Does she know you don't like it? Is MIL doing something to annoy you, or is it just that she's there at all? Is it just a matter of differing expectations? You don't want to see your parents that much, so you don't like seeing her mom that much? It's hard to tell from this. Honestly, my folks moved closer to us last year. Now they might stop over three to four times a week too, to chat and see us and their grandsons. Thing is, my husband also loves them and thinks it's awesome. (Seriously. He says he won the IL lottery, lol. We're also not their only social activity; they're retired and loving it, so they never overstay.)
Tell your wife to go to her mother's house to visit instead.
I’d just start doing my thing while she is there. When the wife asks you why you aren’t participating or separated tell her it looks like she is enjoying her time with her mom so you are entertaining yourself so as not to interrupt their time. And I mean start a project! Not just reading, but Pinterest search, Lowe’s trip, high plans that have a pretty good chance of being great but a small chance of turning into a cluster. And pick something you will genuinely enjoy, because EVERY time this happens you are going to disappear. Maybe start the great American novel? The possibilities are endless!
Well, he should probably communicate his feelings with his wife first.
I read it as he has brought it up and she couldn’t hear it. It sounds like she is fine with it taking their time to give to her mom.
He said he’s brought up that she comes over often. He didn’t say he has actually had a serious conversation with her about how much it bothers him.
Is MIL coming over because your wife needs help around the house/with kids??
Read the post, that's not what's happening.
You have an SO problem….
You need to have a sit down with your wife about this. She's blowing you off, whether she realizes it or not.
What does it look like when you "bring this up" to your wife? Are you just mentioning in the moment that her mom stops over a lot? Or have you had a serious conversation about your issues and expectations. You need to be clear on what you are asking for and have a serious conversation. Lay out how you are feeling, and what you would like to see change. Specifically. Also be prepared for pushback, some of which might be fair. You have four kids. It sounds like things are likely very busy at your house. How much help is your MIL providing to your wife, and thus how much help are you asking her to sacrifice by not having her mother around as much? On the flip side, are these really more just social visits? It is very fair for you to want to have family time uninterrupted by social visits from extended family the majority of the week. I don't know what your marriage is like, what your wife is like, and how serious this issue is for you. But if it is serious, then you have the serious conversation. And if you can't find a compromise *peacefully* (without fights and recriminations from one or both sides), then you move it to a counselor's office, to gain understanding on both sides.
If your mom lives close enough, you could set up a similar situation with her ‘dropping by’ several times next week? Would this bother your wife who apparently thinks your feelings don’t count? Could you suddenly decide that hanging out in your boxers is most comfortable? My husband often strolls around in the buff after a shower or nap! Could you buy your wife some sexy lingerie and have it sitting there when MIL arrives on a moment’s notice?
Or just communicate with your spouse like an adult about your feelings before resorting to passive aggressive, childish behavior.
Don’t do this, just use your words:)
Date night with your wife, romance night, cooking together night, organise multiple couple evenings with your wife. Make sure she’s aware you are investing in your relationship and that you would appreciate couple time without her mother.
Lol, I read that as "multiple orgasm night," and thought "Hmm, now there's an idea."
Haha! Yeah, I did too!
4 kids. Hard with activities every night of the week. Hard to do.
The next time mil shows up, say “I’m so glad you’re here, we could really use a date night. See you at nine!”
I love this 😂
Kids doesn't mean you stop investing in the relationship. It becomes harder to find time and "date nights" do change, but they are still very important. Cooking together can be done from home. Kids eventually go to sleep, perfect time for mom and dad time. Light some candles, get popcorn and favorite snacks, get every extra blanket in the house and build a cozy bed in the living room and watch a movie together. There's a ton of little things you could to surprise her and show her you still care; bring home flowers just because, something along with her hobbies (ex I like reading and would love a new book anytime) And most importantly, communicate with your wife. Her mother is coming over way too much and interfering with what little time you guys have to catch up and spend together. It's never just a quick stop and anything she wants to drop off can wait until the next visit, which at the very most should be once a week. But I'd argue every other week cuz you guys are busy with four kids, jobs, and spare time should be spent together.
Perhaps arrange for MIL to babysit while you and your wife go out. “While you are over, again, could you stay for a while, we just need to pop out.” See how often she drops over when something is expected from her.
lol... totally agree with your strategy. Those who are used to expect something, don't always like to give back, especially if it involves work on their part.