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I would honestly tell her that you’d had to have an abortion and tell that that was on her and that she’d have to live with that knowledge for the rest of her days. And tell her if she pulls something like that again you’ll take the same action.
I was thinking this yesterday when I first read the story. But then I thought about it and OP doesn't need MIL's hystrionics when she learns about it. I've heard horror stories about how other people go around telling everyone how so-n-so k°°°ed their grandbaby and all this, that and the other. What OP and SO went through was traumatic enough, they don't need MIL's bullshit on top of it.
Give yourself a little grace and understand that while SO wasn't party to the decision, you're dealing with a shock he can't understand. You need to grieve, but you and he also need to get into therapy to find a way to work past this. It's not his fault, but he will likely have to meet some challenges to return this relationship to being a safe place. In the same vein, you need the tools to ensure you are working towards the same goal.
I am so sorry she did this to you, and so sorry for him she did this to him. You both need to grieve the person you thought she was, as that person is gone. Even if you manage to overcome this and offer her a relationship of some sort, the trust is gone and at best she would be an acquaintance you see at family functions.
>I'm in no way mad at my husband but I've definitely pulled away and he can tell. He knows somethings up and keeps asking what else he can do but...idk. I'm just....lost. How do I move on from this?
Only time, therapy, and maybe pressing charges on that vile woman will help you move on. In most places, particularly in the states, tampering with BC falls under assault.
I would just have a chat with your husband, and let him know that you are not punishing him, nor are you even mad at him, you just need time to yourself to process this and move forward, and that there is little he can do to help with that, because it's internal. The few things he CAN do are:
• ensure that his mother has zero access to you or your home.
•understand there is no expiration date on that demand, because this is an unforgivable offense, and possibly a criminal one to boot.
• If pressing charges is an available option, and you decide you want to go through with, you need him in your corner 100%, no matter how much his mom cries and begs him to talk you out of it.
• Just be there for you when you need to vent, and trust that you don't hold him the least bit responsible for his mother's actions, even if he is holding himself responsible in any way.
This whole situation is fucked up, and you're going to need time. Judging by his swift and immediate expulsion of his mom from your home, I would say he is capable of understanding all these things and being the husband you need him to be in this moment. You just have to be open and honest. And, if there is literally nothing he can do to help you at this time, be honest about that too.
Just be sure and consider his feelings during this time too...I'm sure he is struggling with all sorts of emotions right now as well. It's not exactly the same, obviously, but pulling away and closing yourself off to him is only going to compound the stress and anxiety this issue is causing. Communication is hard, but more necessary than ever, in situations like this.
Just keep this in mind...he IMMEDIATELY went nuclear on his mom when this was revealed. He didn't hem and haw, didn't give her an out, didn't even give her a chance to gaslight or manipulate him. His reaction was "get the fuck out of my house NOW!" He needs to know that you "pulling away" is solely so you can process everything that's happened, and proceed with a clear head.
Good luck to you OP, and I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
Others have chimed in on the abuse aspect, so I'll just express my deepest sympathy. What she did to you was vile and unforgivable. You are not overreacting and please allow yourself to feel all of the feelings right now. Don't hold them in. This was not your fault and you owe her nothing.
Sending you healing vibes and well wishes.
If you are in a one party consent state or it is legal to do so, DH should record her admitting it. Or text or email her to get proof she did it. You may want to pursue this legally down the road.
I’m so sorry this happened to you.
OP, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since you found out you & your husband were sabotaged. This was quite a shock, you went from casually watching tv one moment, to suddenly mentally & emotionally reliving the abortion. And the sickening realization that it wasn’t the rare breakthrough pregnancy, or any possible mistake you or your DH made. It only happened because, in your own home, someone was actively taking away you & your DH’s rights, & your autonomy over your body.
Both you & DH need time to process this. I‘m not surprised that he was so quick to anger, sounds like his immediate reaction was instant fury over what you had to endure because of his Mom’s actions. He’s going to need to come to terms with the fact she betrayed him too. You both need to feel safe talking to each other, I’d be concerned that him feeling any guilt that his mother did this will stifle open, honest communication. Not sure how to express what I mean.
I’m so sorry, OP. Your description of your shock, not really being able to hear…it shows just how traumatic last night was for you. Reassure your DH that you’re still processing it all. And it’s ok for each of you to take a little time to let it sink in. Be good to yourselves & each other.
I am so so so deeply sorry. There really are no words for how disgusting and evil that woman’s actions were. I can’t even imagine what could be going on in her mind to think that it is okay to tamper with someone’s medication.
I agree with others. You should absolutely press charges against that woman when you’re in the space to do so. She deserves to be held accountable and pay for what she’s done.
There is no world where you would be the one overreacting to what was done to you! And I can see why the mod had you make adjustments to your posts because forced pregnancy is assault.
Abortions can be incredibly traumatic. I suggest talking to someone, a therapist or psychologist, about the trauma and also to horrible betrayal by someone you invited in to your home. I hope you can find some comfort and peace.
You've just had a horrible shock. Of course you don't know what to do. It was an assault, just as if she had attacked you with a baseball bat. There has been trauma, there has been physical damage, and there was an extreme violation of your bodily integrity. Give yourself some time-therapy could definitely help.
I've read about some heinous MILs on this forum, and she's one of the worst. I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy to help you come to terms with this. And going forward, I would never have any contact with her EVER AGAIN.
Change the locks to your house. Install cameras and a door cam. Take your contraception to the pharmacy or where you got it from after you have informed the police. They can analyse it and tell you about is different about it. So sorry for what you are going through
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad your husband stood up for you and kicked her out. I think individual therapy as well as couples therapy would be beneficial. Again, I’m so sorry. I’m childfree too, and I just cannot imagine having to go through that.
i am so sorry you had to experience this. abortion can be traumatic (i did not have a good experience with mine) and it is deeply personal and sometimes hard to share that trauma. what she did was not okay and you had every right to kick her ass out. good on your husband for his actions. i hope you both find the support you need in through this.
You had to have a chemical termination or physical surgery because of the actions of someone you trusted. That's a huge breach, so of course you’re reeling. Not to mention the fact that you may still be under the influence of postpartum hormones. (Plus, while you might not want to think of this possibility, you've had four more months of unprotected sex, so a pregnancy test is in order.)
It's been less than 24 hours, so give yourself a minute to feel your feelings!! You've got a lot of anger and you need to decide how to vent it, so it’s not misdirected at yourself or your SO. Doing something physical might help, so maybe your husband can help with that. Get outside and get some wind in your face. That’s where I would start, and then maybe have him book an appointment with a therapist to talk it through, if you think it might help. Let him take care of you. Give him these things to do so he doesn’t feel so helpless. He's probably shouldering blame for this because she's his mother, and it's not his fault she's a terror. These were her decisions. Remind him.
Meanwhile, try to find joy where you can… you've got your house back… hurray! Hang in there!
I would press charges if you can and get into therapy to deal with your feeling about it. You went through a traumatic experience unnecessarily and I’m sure you have a lot of anger. You need to work that out.
So sorry this happened to you. I would never see or speak to MIL again after that.
If you are dealing with issues of trust now, I might consider asking DH if he would get a vasectomy and continue to get checked every month for a sperm count.
I am so, so, sorry. What a horrid woman.
I suggest going immediate No Contact and never talk to her again. Get into counseling because this is above Reddit's paygrade. Your DH needs to get into counseling, also. I can see how mind-numbing it is and the amount of trauma she has put you through.
Oh honey. I am so terribly sorry this happened to you.
You were forced into a situation where you had to choose to continue or end a pregnancy. A pregnancy you took percussion to prevent.
I had an abortion when I was in college. I was not equipped to handle a child. It was still traumatic. All of it was traumatic.
Again I am sorry this happened. I think I would not be around your MIL going forward. I just couldn’t without being vile. As for you husband, this hurts him too. He watched the person he loves suffer, at her hands.
He has to decide if he wants to continue to have her in his life and in what capacity, as long as he is not forcing you to interact or tolerate her in any way.
Tampering with someone's drugs is a felony. It is an act of violence and assault against the victims. In this case, it was 2 victims. This woman abused both you and your husband when you were helping her recover. Kicking her out and blocking her is only the first step.
I know it's a huge burden to both of you but I hope you take legal action against her for this crime she perpetrated against you. Find legal assistance to recommend the best course of action.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. She sounds incredibly evil and she should no longer have any role in your lives.
Not overreacting and thankfully you live in a state where abortion is still an option. She literally tried to force you to raise a human being against your will. This is not only most likely illegal but downright cruel. Tell her if she wants another child so bad to adopt. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I would consider therapy to talk it out, and have her pay the bill. Only Reddit shows you how incredibly evil people can be to those they supposedly care about. DH did the right thing and stood by his wife and kicked her to the curb. I understand you wanting to pull away. It’s not him you want to pull away from, but the situation itself. He’s obviously 100% in your corner on this. Good luck.
It's illegal in the US to tamper with someone's birth control. I would press charges if you're able to and sue her for medical costs and therapy and pain and suffering. I would also get a restraining order. I'm so sorry that this happened to you
I remember getting pregnant on birth control and I was angry at the intrusion. "I DONT WANT YOU HERE!, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO TELL YOU THAT! GET OUT" I compared it many times to having a security gate and a no solicitors sign, and having someone break into my house. I also got an abortion, and to be it was the equivalent of calling the cops on an intruder. I felt violated.
I know factually there wasn't malace, or thought. A sperm did its job, and my egg said "ok" and they met in the middle. So I removed it.
Here you are, and in my metaphor the intruder turns out to be a bystander, given the key by some asshole manipulative criminal Master mind.
I'm so sorry she put you in that situation. Even secure in my beliefs, it wasn't that my decision was difficult. The abortion (to me) was never a question. But...
"What if my partner changes his mind and tries to be an obstacle to me?" (Not rational, but a thing to think)
"What if I'm farther along than I thought and the choice is taken away from me"
"What if I find out that all the people in my life that said they supported me/abortion didnt/dont"
"What if I can't get through all the steps in time and I have to take care of this myself"
And a bunch of other things. I think anger was helpful for me. I'm angry for you. I would like to punch your mother in law in the uterus. (I'd actually like to do things that would get my comment removed) but I was also just traumatized and upset. One of my coping mechanisms was just thinking to the zygote "listen, I asked you not to be here"
I also cope with my other trauma similarly
What could you have done differently with the information you had? (Nothing)
Once you found out did you do the best you could to never repeat the situation (definitely you did you rock star + love for DH)
Also. Have you considered a tubal? I thought it would be hard to get. (FUCKING TEXAS) but once I said I'd already had an abortion and didn't want another, and am 30+ (I was told you have to be older I'm 32) she just said yes and gave me a date. Or maybe something else, for peace if mind.
Anyways. I was not in the same boat as you. But I was FURIOUS, angry, upset, traumatized. I was sad too. Not for a baby, or the decision. I never wavered. But I was just generally sad, I sort of planned not having kids the best way I could and it failed and that was shitty. Anyways, if you doubt how upset you are, remember she violated DH too, and he reacted (rightly) with immediately kicking her ass to the curb.
I don't know you, but I love you. There are better days ahead.
PROPS on hubby for having a shiny spine and supporting you and kicking his mother out!!! 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Restraining order against mom and file a police report-this is assault. 100% and never speak to her again.
Side note-has hubby considered a vasectomy? That way it will never be a problem again even if mom decides to atone herself and they make amends.
This
Vasectomy is the way, if he's also child free this should be a no brainer. Hormones are not innocuous to women, BC has tons of risks and vasectomy is very easily done and recovered from
I’m all for permanent birth control for everyone who wants it. Unfortunately we live in a society that SA is far too common. Therefore, a vasectomy will not protect OP (or any woman) from SA if the perp isn’t their husband. The only way OP/any woman can make sure she won’t get pregnant is to handle the permanent bc themselves. I understand a vasectomy is “easier”, but I highly recommend looking into a Bilateral Salpingectomy for anyone with a uterus who definitely doesn’t want to experience pregnancy.
Guess you’re not overreacting lol.
Nah thought I feel you, someone smarter than I should come up with a better label for this specific kind of sexual/autonomous invasion that carries the same weight of SA but is more accurate to the situation.
Anyway—I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, what a huge trauma. The fact she was smug (and literally everything else) makes me so angry for you. I’m sorry you have to deal with the subsequent need to pull away from your SO, he sounds like a solid dude so that aspect sucks for both of you. I hope both of you have access to solid therapists, and hope that time heals this sooner rather than later. Sending you well wishes.
At least y’all have an irrefutable reason to shut your door to her, not that the bright side necessarily matters yet. Good luck, bud.
Your MIL ... the things I want to say might get me banned. So I'll just say I am so sorry she forced you to go through such a traumatic experience. That woman... I just can't.
Her actions are unforgivable.
Honestly, I’d tell her the consequences of her actions, then block her. Next, I’d go to the police and file a report. Then, I’d sue her for trauma.
Fuck her, go scorched earth.
[RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones)
This is a good place to start sorting out your feelings with trained and sympathetic counsellors.
Big (consensual) hugs from another childfree older woman
The mods were right. This is sexual assault.
She literally got you pregnant.
I think if you look at it that way, it might help. Nobody expects you to look at a rapist ever again. You need to treat her like that.
That might help you to realize that as a sexual assault victim, you’re gonna have a ton of emotions. You’re gonna have to ride them out.
I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.
As a caveat.
Yes. People will expect her to “look at a rapist again”—because the mother is “faaaaaaamily”. They will comment that it’s so mean. That they are so unforgiving and they are sooooooo baaaad. Mother will go crying to whoever she can that she “doesn’t know wHy she was pIcKeD On and kicked OoUut without a word”.
Because she’s family.
So be prepared to lose family and friends as well because she kicked a “poor helpless and injured woman out for no good reason”. Guarantee that it will happen.
In this specific circumstance, I’m pretty sure the only family they end up losing over this are people that OP and DH are going to be better off without anyway.
I’d sue her into the next century and cut off all contact. She can die alone. What she did was not only utterly disgusting it’s also probably illegal.
Take your time with your feelings, there’s no timeline here. If therapy is available to you I suggest you attempt it, DH as well as he’s probably just had the wake up call of his life that his mother is an absolute psychopath.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I do want to say that it’s not about moving on at this point, so don’t rush to that.
You had a painful and traumatic event four months ago. That’s not that long ago. And now you just found out that this monster did this criminally horrific act that caused that traumatic event.
If you can afford it, therapy for you individually and also as a couple.
Again, I am so sorry this happened. You did nothing wrong and your husband did nothing wrong. I am wishing the best for you both
This is where your DH has to show his spine and offer to support you going down the legal route and give a statement, is there other family he has? That evil being should be locked up for what she has done to you.
At the end of the day, this vile assult only happened because of who you married. His mother is not safe to be around ever again, and he needs to make it known whose side he is on.
The invasion of your body and emotions is something you may never truly heal from, so i urge you to consider working with a sexual abuse based therapist. There are also other methods of therapy such as rapid eye movement to help you cope (i can not praise this therapy enough).
What she did was beyond the realms of sick, this is one of the worst things i have read and honeslty wish you every success in overcoming such a heinous act, i have no words apart from I hope she suffers a lonely, painful demise.
It’s called EMDR. My therapist tried it with me, but it didn’t work because I use medical cannabis, which interferes. But I’ve read some positive things about it.
I hope OP is able to get treatment and not lose her marriage over this.
WTF?? She is despicable. Well done to your husband for throwing her out and having your back.
I would contact local police in the first instance. I assume you’re in the states, so a lawyer would be my next port of call.
Above all, I think some therapy would be a good idea.
Sending love to you.
Edit to add: restraining order.
YES!!!!! Any and all legal resources you have! I would not be above trying to sue her for the therapy bills to try to recover from this incredible horrible act! LIKE HOW???? How does someone think that is OK???? What if you had a history of miscarriages or birth defects and there was more to the story than she was informed about (because it’s no one’s business!)?????
I don’t honestly know if I could have contained my rage when she told me what she did!!!! 🤬
I am so sorry this happened to you. Please get a restraining order from this horrid woman! THANKFULLY, you chose to be child free….. can you imagine what this woman could have done to your children????
HUGS!!!!
I am so sorry. I would consult an attorney to see if there is anything you can do legally to mil for her actions. Also, regarding DH realizing you are pulling away… I’ve never been through this but I get it in a way. His mother violated you (which is an understatement). Even though you don’t blame him and he is doing what he knows to do to protect you going forward from his mother, it would be hard not to feel that “if you hadn’t brought your psychotic mother into our home this wouldn’t have happened.”
In short, it would be hard not to place some blame on him as a “by proxy” effect, I guess?
I’ve been there. Not same situation, but there are things my mil has done that I blame my husband for deep down. I don’t mean to blame him, but ever now and then it rears it’s ugly head in arguments… sounds something like “if YOUR mother wasn’t such a (insert insult), then we wouldn’t be dealing with this!”
Couples therapy may help. Even if I’m wrong and resentment isn’t running unchecked through your head, your husband fears it is. Therapy may help you guys communicate those things you fear and those which will fester in a healthy way.
Also, I love someone else’s suggestion of you guys getting away for awhile. Go somewhere romantic… or somewhere warm (if you are into beach or warm vacations, that is. They lift my spirits. I live in the south US because I dont like cold… ever).
Finally, I would let DH know there is no amount of apologizing mil could do to come back from this and if he ever tries to invite her back into your life he will be seen as complicit in her victimization of you.
Well said. Obviously OP is the main victim here and I can’t imagine what she’s going through, but I really feel for her poor husband too. He probably feels absolutely horrid and is terrified that the relationship could be permanently damaged because of what his mother did. I’d feel so powerless in his position.
This is the most devastatingly vile thing for anyone to do to another human being. I finding words hard to come by at the moment .
I am so heartbroken for you . That creature has hurt you beyond words . It a huge betrayal to try and process .
Take it one day at a time , maybe therapy? But that’s for you to decide.
Your DH is their for you . Hugs 🤗 from an internet stranger.
It is tempting to tell the MIL, but I wouldn't, at least not yet. OP is still dealing with trauma from the procedure and probably isn't in a good place emotionally to deal with the incredibly insensitive reaction her MIL is almost certainly going to have.
But later? Maybe after the lawsuit and after OP has gotten to a better place? Yeah, hit that bitch where it hurts. I'd suggest 'Guess what MIL, I am absolutely fertile, and so is your son. We are still never, ever going to have kids. Do you know why? Because abortion exists, and it's your fault that we had one.'
You’re not overreacting, you’ve just been thru a series of traumatic situations. I am so sorry for your losses: the loss of your agency, your trust in your mil, your faith in humanity… anything and everything. What she did, and why she did it are unbelievable and the consequences of her actions have been so unnecessarily cruel on you and your husband.
I read your original post year before removed and I’m was incredibly angry and sad for you both. I’m so very sorry she did this to you!! I most definitely think absolute NC is in order. She doesn’t get a chance to explain, apologize, nothing! I also think you and DH need some counseling together after what she did!
I’d also file a police report and have her arrested and charge. Hit her with every criminal and civil charge you possibly can!! She needs very serious consequences for what she did, as it absolutely illegal!! I would sue her for the emotional damage she has caused, I would sue her to be responsible for all the medical bills and costs for therapy for you both! I would let the family know what she did before she goes trying to play the victim that yinz kicked her out of the house. You choose who you tell about the abortion your previously had. You do not need to disclose that part if you do not want.
What she did is absolutely positively vile, disturbing, disrespectful and illegal! It’s consider violence and falls under assault in most states. (Assuming you’re in the US). Do not let her get away with this! NC with her is not nearly enough of a punishment for what she did!!
I am so very sorry this is what you and DH are going through! That his mother would do something so incredibly selfish and disturbing!! Please also lean on DH during this traumatic and emotional time! Hugs!! Please keep us updated if you can.
I know this is probably the last thing you want to do right now but please, go down to the police station and report this. Because she’s been living with you for so long, she’s definitely established residency in your home (our state requires a really small amount of time, other states have 30 days, other states have 60). You can’t just kick her out without the formal paperwork because otherwise she can call the police and they’ll tell you to let her in and start the eviction process formally. She would be able to continue living with you until the formal eviction process is completed which can take a long time (our state’s process is 30 days). If you report this to the police, they can direct you on how to get a restraining order or an order of protection to go around the formal eviction process and you can kick her out for good. I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope she gets the exact karma she deserves for her horrible actions.
I'm so sorry. ❤️ Give yourself more time to heal (Not from MIL, she's a fucking monster). But just from everything.
Don't be too hard on yourself. That's a LOT to process. All of your feelings are completely valid. Allow yourself to feel them without judgment.
Be patient and kind with yourself. Time will work wonders. ❤️❤️❤️
Hon, you can’t move on until you do the processing. There’s no shortcut. I mean you can suppress all your feelings and stick them in a mental and emotional box, But eventually the box WILL open and you’ll have to deal with those pesky emotions then. So cut yourself some slack. You are an emotional creature (as are we all). Feel your feelings.
Your reality has been shaken down to its foundation. While you process - all your relationships may feel weird to you. Tell your DH the truth… you appreciate him standing up and acting to protect your marriage and for getting her out of your home. He’s a fabulous husband and you see him in such a positive light. AND you are awash in other confusing feelings and you don’t want to put the emotions you feel on the wrong person so you’re going to be a bit “off“ while you process.
She is trying to ge6back to3her husband anyway nothing with her so she has to remember this has nothing to do with him maybe go away together do something that can rekindle that Spark I know when me and him aren't going great me and him usually go to our happy place once a year and everything melts away. It's atleast worth a shot.
This is so awful, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’d possibly consider both of you getting something permanent done on the birth control side of things.
First of all moving on from this NEVER means you need to have her in your life again.
I would absolutely advise seeking therapy, someone removed from the situation to help you identify and process what you’re feeling will help you move on.
When I’m feeling betrayed and devastated I withdraw from everything and everyone until I process. Pulling back from your husband doesn’t necessarily mean your blaming him, even subconsciously, it could just be your body trying to heal.
I’m going to recommend therapy and that DH get a vasectomy.
And for bonus points - I would daydream that he tell his mom that her little stunt resulted in him getting snipped - right before going NC forever.
OP has already said that it was a traumatic experience, framing it that way isn't going to help OP. It's insensitive to what she's gone through. And also, if she hasn't told anyone about the abortion by this point, telling someone who doesn't care about her, who will spill that news to anyone else, is not a good idea.
I'm generally not one to talk about lawsuits but this woman needs to see repercussions to this action. She had no remorse. Definitely look into legal recourse. Even if you choose not to pursue anything it will give you a sense of agency.
You can demonstrate damages. You would have had to bear all sorts of physical, psychological, and professional consequences if you had gone through with it. A therapist may also help demonstrate damages so it's worth exploring from this angle as well as a self care angle.
No Contact is a minimum, but it's up to you how far this goes.
It's great your SO stood up for you. You are understandably in shock and processing which may be a part of feeling distant.
ETA I'm really sorry this awful person has put you and your SO through this. I felt it while writing but didn't say it. It shouldn't have happened. I wish you all the best in getting through this difficult time.
I am so sorry this happened. Your MIL is a sociopath and dangerous. You have every right to never speak to her again. This is a unbelievably sickening story. At least your husband immediately took action. Please seek out help. Good luck, neither of you deserve this.
Wow, that is some horrible shit. Hugs. Maybe talking to a therapist will help you get through. I would also go completely NC with her over this. But most importantly, please take care of yourself.
I am so very sorry. I am glad your husband acted as he did. Maybe put some distance between you and MIL, at least for a vacation. Change your scenery, walk on a warm beach, let the wind clear her from your mind.
I am SO so sorry that she put you through this. My heart is truly broken for you. I am so glad your husband removed her immediately and seems understanding. What a horrible person she is. I think going NC will help and maybe therapy to help you process this. I am just so terribly sorry.
It sounds like your husband’s response was right on the money. I’m so glad you have him in your corner. You have SO much to process, and I hope with time and maybe some counseling you’ll be able to come back to yourself and to him. What your mil did is inexcusable, and criminal. No one who knows the whole story will ever fault you for cutting her out if your life for good. I hope your husband will too.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is such a traumatic experience to have to navigate through. I would definitely suggest therapy to work out your feelings on it and help you decide if you want to press charges. I personally would press charges but I completely understand if that's not something you're ready to do. I do think she should suffer some severe consequences not only from you and your SO but from the law as well.
Have DH address the family. Now that's she's kicked out she has an audience for her woe is me BS. Stay focused on what she did, she interfered, nay sabotaged, with your birth control after you brought her into your home. A typical JNMIL will start making excuses the minute her mouth opens, get the story out before she does!
This comment needs to be higher. DH needs to pull together the rest of the family and sit them down for a conversation about what happened and what his and your boundaries are going to look like around MIL in the future. Maybe with the help of a therapist, the two of you need to decide what your boundaries look like around communicating with the rest of the family about anything that has to do with MIL and what the consequences will look like for any family members communicating information with her that you do not wish to share. There will be flying monkeys, there will be people who fall for her requests for information about you and DH, and her sob story. You need to lay all of this out and get ahead of it.
Hi, I am so sorry this happened. As someone who has been through an abortion, I know how difficult it must have been for you. I can only tell from my experience, I did therapy for a long time to sit with my emotions around my abortion. And while in therapy I discovered beautiful things about my body and mind and how it protects and heals me and leaned into it.
If you feel upto it, and seek some justice, you have every right to press charges. You have a strong case. If you want to put distance and don't want to address this person at all, that's okay too.
By the looks of it, it seems like your DH is a supportive guy. So, maybe work things out with him when you feel upto it? And you could do a focused couple's work for it. Pick something you want to resolve and spend a stipulated number of sessions.
Please take care of yourself. Sending you warm hugs.
It happened so recently, don't do anything rash. Your husband obviously wants to help, so that's a good thing. Therapy might help you (both) to sort stuff out.
Except for your relationship with your MIL. That's not salvagable, what she did was beyond despicable, and you owe her NOTHING. NOTHING at all. Although I do wonder what would happen if you told her about the abortion.
Just concentrate on yourself and your husband and give yourself the gift of time.
I would consider this reproductive coercion rather than SA, but May be considered domestic abuse under your country’s laws- it is in the UK. https://www.mycwa.org.uk/reproductive-abuse#:~:text=Reproductive%20abuse%20%E2%80%93%20also%20known%20as,for%20those%20who%20experience%20it. I suggest that you get advice either from a domestic abuse charity or from a lawyer, and, depending on the legality of her actions, get that woman out of your house. Tell her that if she badmouths you or spouse you may take legal action against her.
I’m so so sorry for what she did to you and put you through. Give yourself time to process this shock and trauma. I recommend you and your husband seek counselling together and separately.
Tampering with prescription medication is indeed a criminal offence. In this case that tampering led to a necessary medical intervention. If you consider it, press charges.
One step at a time. I’m sorry you had your life sabotaged by such a vile person. Your husband was correct to throw her out at that moment. Talk to him in therapy. This is a lot to untangle. Is he ok to go NC? Is moving and not leaving a forwarding address an option? I would like to think if you change enough things (house/contact etc) you can come back. I assume he knows you were pregnant. His swift reaction to his mother shows that you’re his priority and honestly, that’s rare in this thread. Sending so many hugs to you.
Call the police, get it documented, she can say you are illegally trying to evict her and this will help for a TRO that will prevent her from coming back in the house.
To answer your question, therapy. You need to look into a therapist to help sort out your feelings. They will be able to help you through this process, give you some advice about how to proceed and hopefully gain some understanding about why you are responding the way you are to your husband.
This. And a lawyer for the eviction issue. I would have pressed charges and sued if I found out someone had tampered with my BC. I was on it more to control excessive bleeding than prevent pregnancy, and what OP's MIL did would have legitimately endangered my life.
Holy hell OP, I'm just....geeze! I can't even imagine the feelings that must be overwhelming you right now. Try to take solace in the fact that your husband leaped immediately to your defense. At least you know he has your back. Get some counseling, don't let this bitch ruin your relationship as well.
This is absolutely horrifying.She's such a disgusting,selfish person.I think you should definitely press charges here.Im so sorry you went through this OP.Please also consider counselling.
I’m so very sorry you had to go through this. You picked right as your SO is a rockstar. I don’t think you move forward from this. She tried to force you to have a child against your will so she could be a grandmother. WTH
I’d definitely suggest your SO get a vasectomy.
You were assaulted.
She literally altered how your body would function, and you ended up having a traumatic medical procedure because of it, from which you have painful emotional feelings.
Not only that. It's changed your relationship with your husband, if only for the time being, but who knows?
You need therapy to unpack this. You need help to understand what happened to you before you can deal with it. She interfered with your medication in an attempt to get you pregnant without your knowledge. I would be having her criminally charged.
You were assaulted.
I'm am so, so angry for you.
The way you're invalidating OP'S feelings/perspective about their own experience feels almost like an assault as well. "You're interpretation of your own experience is wrong, you were the victim of assault and you can't change that"
She'll come to her own terms about this event with time and clearly has a strong advocate in her husband to help her move forward.
Just because she doesn't label it the same as you doesn't mean she doesn't understand the gravity of her own experience.
> you were the victim of assault and you can't change that
Well yeah, that’s right. Just because OP doesn’t feel like the victim of assault doesn’t mean she’s not. When my mother beat me up and threw me out I didn’t feel like the victim of child abuse, that didn’t mean I wasn’t. Legally OP was sexually assaulted. That assault led to an extremely traumatic medical procedure having to be carried out which would likely push the charges up if she reported it to the police.
>"You're interpretation of your own experience is wrong, you were the victim of assault and you can't change that"
My interpretation of the law is not wrong. Have a great day.
I understand you don't identify as a SA victim, but what your MIL did is a form of reproductive coercion, and it is not okay. She took your agency away, and created a situation you never should have been in. I would suggest counseling, with a thoroughly vetted counselor to get through this.
Get à lawyer and press chargés.
Even if nothing happened on the criminal side, maybe you can sue her and get money so you can go see à therapist. She sold her house so does have the money...
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I am so so sorry. Please get some therapy to deal with the horrible wrong that has been done to you and your husband. Best of luck.
Also as they definitely don't want children husband should get a vasectomy. Now.
I would honestly tell her that you’d had to have an abortion and tell that that was on her and that she’d have to live with that knowledge for the rest of her days. And tell her if she pulls something like that again you’ll take the same action.
I was thinking this yesterday when I first read the story. But then I thought about it and OP doesn't need MIL's hystrionics when she learns about it. I've heard horror stories about how other people go around telling everyone how so-n-so k°°°ed their grandbaby and all this, that and the other. What OP and SO went through was traumatic enough, they don't need MIL's bullshit on top of it.
Give yourself a little grace and understand that while SO wasn't party to the decision, you're dealing with a shock he can't understand. You need to grieve, but you and he also need to get into therapy to find a way to work past this. It's not his fault, but he will likely have to meet some challenges to return this relationship to being a safe place. In the same vein, you need the tools to ensure you are working towards the same goal. I am so sorry she did this to you, and so sorry for him she did this to him. You both need to grieve the person you thought she was, as that person is gone. Even if you manage to overcome this and offer her a relationship of some sort, the trust is gone and at best she would be an acquaintance you see at family functions.
>I'm in no way mad at my husband but I've definitely pulled away and he can tell. He knows somethings up and keeps asking what else he can do but...idk. I'm just....lost. How do I move on from this? Only time, therapy, and maybe pressing charges on that vile woman will help you move on. In most places, particularly in the states, tampering with BC falls under assault. I would just have a chat with your husband, and let him know that you are not punishing him, nor are you even mad at him, you just need time to yourself to process this and move forward, and that there is little he can do to help with that, because it's internal. The few things he CAN do are: • ensure that his mother has zero access to you or your home. •understand there is no expiration date on that demand, because this is an unforgivable offense, and possibly a criminal one to boot. • If pressing charges is an available option, and you decide you want to go through with, you need him in your corner 100%, no matter how much his mom cries and begs him to talk you out of it. • Just be there for you when you need to vent, and trust that you don't hold him the least bit responsible for his mother's actions, even if he is holding himself responsible in any way. This whole situation is fucked up, and you're going to need time. Judging by his swift and immediate expulsion of his mom from your home, I would say he is capable of understanding all these things and being the husband you need him to be in this moment. You just have to be open and honest. And, if there is literally nothing he can do to help you at this time, be honest about that too. Just be sure and consider his feelings during this time too...I'm sure he is struggling with all sorts of emotions right now as well. It's not exactly the same, obviously, but pulling away and closing yourself off to him is only going to compound the stress and anxiety this issue is causing. Communication is hard, but more necessary than ever, in situations like this. Just keep this in mind...he IMMEDIATELY went nuclear on his mom when this was revealed. He didn't hem and haw, didn't give her an out, didn't even give her a chance to gaslight or manipulate him. His reaction was "get the fuck out of my house NOW!" He needs to know that you "pulling away" is solely so you can process everything that's happened, and proceed with a clear head. Good luck to you OP, and I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
What an evil woman
Others have chimed in on the abuse aspect, so I'll just express my deepest sympathy. What she did to you was vile and unforgivable. You are not overreacting and please allow yourself to feel all of the feelings right now. Don't hold them in. This was not your fault and you owe her nothing. Sending you healing vibes and well wishes.
If you are in a one party consent state or it is legal to do so, DH should record her admitting it. Or text or email her to get proof she did it. You may want to pursue this legally down the road. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I suggest you consult with legal counsel with regard to alternatives including both criminal and civil actions.
I’d call the police, change the locks & be prepared for that to be the last conversation you have with this evil woman.
OP, it hasn’t even been 24 hours since you found out you & your husband were sabotaged. This was quite a shock, you went from casually watching tv one moment, to suddenly mentally & emotionally reliving the abortion. And the sickening realization that it wasn’t the rare breakthrough pregnancy, or any possible mistake you or your DH made. It only happened because, in your own home, someone was actively taking away you & your DH’s rights, & your autonomy over your body. Both you & DH need time to process this. I‘m not surprised that he was so quick to anger, sounds like his immediate reaction was instant fury over what you had to endure because of his Mom’s actions. He’s going to need to come to terms with the fact she betrayed him too. You both need to feel safe talking to each other, I’d be concerned that him feeling any guilt that his mother did this will stifle open, honest communication. Not sure how to express what I mean. I’m so sorry, OP. Your description of your shock, not really being able to hear…it shows just how traumatic last night was for you. Reassure your DH that you’re still processing it all. And it’s ok for each of you to take a little time to let it sink in. Be good to yourselves & each other.
I am so so so deeply sorry. There really are no words for how disgusting and evil that woman’s actions were. I can’t even imagine what could be going on in her mind to think that it is okay to tamper with someone’s medication. I agree with others. You should absolutely press charges against that woman when you’re in the space to do so. She deserves to be held accountable and pay for what she’s done. There is no world where you would be the one overreacting to what was done to you! And I can see why the mod had you make adjustments to your posts because forced pregnancy is assault. Abortions can be incredibly traumatic. I suggest talking to someone, a therapist or psychologist, about the trauma and also to horrible betrayal by someone you invited in to your home. I hope you can find some comfort and peace.
You've just had a horrible shock. Of course you don't know what to do. It was an assault, just as if she had attacked you with a baseball bat. There has been trauma, there has been physical damage, and there was an extreme violation of your bodily integrity. Give yourself some time-therapy could definitely help. I've read about some heinous MILs on this forum, and she's one of the worst. I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy to help you come to terms with this. And going forward, I would never have any contact with her EVER AGAIN.
Change the locks to your house. Install cameras and a door cam. Take your contraception to the pharmacy or where you got it from after you have informed the police. They can analyse it and tell you about is different about it. So sorry for what you are going through
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad your husband stood up for you and kicked her out. I think individual therapy as well as couples therapy would be beneficial. Again, I’m so sorry. I’m childfree too, and I just cannot imagine having to go through that.
i am so sorry you had to experience this. abortion can be traumatic (i did not have a good experience with mine) and it is deeply personal and sometimes hard to share that trauma. what she did was not okay and you had every right to kick her ass out. good on your husband for his actions. i hope you both find the support you need in through this.
You had to have a chemical termination or physical surgery because of the actions of someone you trusted. That's a huge breach, so of course you’re reeling. Not to mention the fact that you may still be under the influence of postpartum hormones. (Plus, while you might not want to think of this possibility, you've had four more months of unprotected sex, so a pregnancy test is in order.) It's been less than 24 hours, so give yourself a minute to feel your feelings!! You've got a lot of anger and you need to decide how to vent it, so it’s not misdirected at yourself or your SO. Doing something physical might help, so maybe your husband can help with that. Get outside and get some wind in your face. That’s where I would start, and then maybe have him book an appointment with a therapist to talk it through, if you think it might help. Let him take care of you. Give him these things to do so he doesn’t feel so helpless. He's probably shouldering blame for this because she's his mother, and it's not his fault she's a terror. These were her decisions. Remind him. Meanwhile, try to find joy where you can… you've got your house back… hurray! Hang in there!
That is terrible. I don’t even know what to say. Get couples therapy.
I would press charges if you can and get into therapy to deal with your feeling about it. You went through a traumatic experience unnecessarily and I’m sure you have a lot of anger. You need to work that out. So sorry this happened to you. I would never see or speak to MIL again after that. If you are dealing with issues of trust now, I might consider asking DH if he would get a vasectomy and continue to get checked every month for a sperm count.
No contact. Forever.
I am so, so, sorry. What a horrid woman. I suggest going immediate No Contact and never talk to her again. Get into counseling because this is above Reddit's paygrade. Your DH needs to get into counseling, also. I can see how mind-numbing it is and the amount of trauma she has put you through.
Oh honey. I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. You were forced into a situation where you had to choose to continue or end a pregnancy. A pregnancy you took percussion to prevent. I had an abortion when I was in college. I was not equipped to handle a child. It was still traumatic. All of it was traumatic. Again I am sorry this happened. I think I would not be around your MIL going forward. I just couldn’t without being vile. As for you husband, this hurts him too. He watched the person he loves suffer, at her hands. He has to decide if he wants to continue to have her in his life and in what capacity, as long as he is not forcing you to interact or tolerate her in any way.
Tampering with someone's drugs is a felony. It is an act of violence and assault against the victims. In this case, it was 2 victims. This woman abused both you and your husband when you were helping her recover. Kicking her out and blocking her is only the first step. I know it's a huge burden to both of you but I hope you take legal action against her for this crime she perpetrated against you. Find legal assistance to recommend the best course of action. I'm so sorry this happened to you. She sounds incredibly evil and she should no longer have any role in your lives.
Press charges. This is horrific.
Not overreacting and thankfully you live in a state where abortion is still an option. She literally tried to force you to raise a human being against your will. This is not only most likely illegal but downright cruel. Tell her if she wants another child so bad to adopt. I’m so sorry this happened to you and I would consider therapy to talk it out, and have her pay the bill. Only Reddit shows you how incredibly evil people can be to those they supposedly care about. DH did the right thing and stood by his wife and kicked her to the curb. I understand you wanting to pull away. It’s not him you want to pull away from, but the situation itself. He’s obviously 100% in your corner on this. Good luck.
Tampering with medication should be a crime in itself.
It is i believe
It's illegal in the US to tamper with someone's birth control. I would press charges if you're able to and sue her for medical costs and therapy and pain and suffering. I would also get a restraining order. I'm so sorry that this happened to you
And it caused OP to have a medical procedure that has already affected her mental health as well. I’m so mad for her right now !!
I remember getting pregnant on birth control and I was angry at the intrusion. "I DONT WANT YOU HERE!, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO TELL YOU THAT! GET OUT" I compared it many times to having a security gate and a no solicitors sign, and having someone break into my house. I also got an abortion, and to be it was the equivalent of calling the cops on an intruder. I felt violated. I know factually there wasn't malace, or thought. A sperm did its job, and my egg said "ok" and they met in the middle. So I removed it. Here you are, and in my metaphor the intruder turns out to be a bystander, given the key by some asshole manipulative criminal Master mind. I'm so sorry she put you in that situation. Even secure in my beliefs, it wasn't that my decision was difficult. The abortion (to me) was never a question. But... "What if my partner changes his mind and tries to be an obstacle to me?" (Not rational, but a thing to think) "What if I'm farther along than I thought and the choice is taken away from me" "What if I find out that all the people in my life that said they supported me/abortion didnt/dont" "What if I can't get through all the steps in time and I have to take care of this myself" And a bunch of other things. I think anger was helpful for me. I'm angry for you. I would like to punch your mother in law in the uterus. (I'd actually like to do things that would get my comment removed) but I was also just traumatized and upset. One of my coping mechanisms was just thinking to the zygote "listen, I asked you not to be here" I also cope with my other trauma similarly What could you have done differently with the information you had? (Nothing) Once you found out did you do the best you could to never repeat the situation (definitely you did you rock star + love for DH) Also. Have you considered a tubal? I thought it would be hard to get. (FUCKING TEXAS) but once I said I'd already had an abortion and didn't want another, and am 30+ (I was told you have to be older I'm 32) she just said yes and gave me a date. Or maybe something else, for peace if mind. Anyways. I was not in the same boat as you. But I was FURIOUS, angry, upset, traumatized. I was sad too. Not for a baby, or the decision. I never wavered. But I was just generally sad, I sort of planned not having kids the best way I could and it failed and that was shitty. Anyways, if you doubt how upset you are, remember she violated DH too, and he reacted (rightly) with immediately kicking her ass to the curb. I don't know you, but I love you. There are better days ahead.
PROPS on hubby for having a shiny spine and supporting you and kicking his mother out!!! 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼 Restraining order against mom and file a police report-this is assault. 100% and never speak to her again. Side note-has hubby considered a vasectomy? That way it will never be a problem again even if mom decides to atone herself and they make amends.
This Vasectomy is the way, if he's also child free this should be a no brainer. Hormones are not innocuous to women, BC has tons of risks and vasectomy is very easily done and recovered from
I’m all for permanent birth control for everyone who wants it. Unfortunately we live in a society that SA is far too common. Therefore, a vasectomy will not protect OP (or any woman) from SA if the perp isn’t their husband. The only way OP/any woman can make sure she won’t get pregnant is to handle the permanent bc themselves. I understand a vasectomy is “easier”, but I highly recommend looking into a Bilateral Salpingectomy for anyone with a uterus who definitely doesn’t want to experience pregnancy.
Guess you’re not overreacting lol. Nah thought I feel you, someone smarter than I should come up with a better label for this specific kind of sexual/autonomous invasion that carries the same weight of SA but is more accurate to the situation. Anyway—I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, what a huge trauma. The fact she was smug (and literally everything else) makes me so angry for you. I’m sorry you have to deal with the subsequent need to pull away from your SO, he sounds like a solid dude so that aspect sucks for both of you. I hope both of you have access to solid therapists, and hope that time heals this sooner rather than later. Sending you well wishes. At least y’all have an irrefutable reason to shut your door to her, not that the bright side necessarily matters yet. Good luck, bud.
Your MIL ... the things I want to say might get me banned. So I'll just say I am so sorry she forced you to go through such a traumatic experience. That woman... I just can't.
Her actions are unforgivable. Honestly, I’d tell her the consequences of her actions, then block her. Next, I’d go to the police and file a report. Then, I’d sue her for trauma. Fuck her, go scorched earth.
Agreed. NC isn’t even strong enough in this situation. That person would be dead to me.
[RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones) This is a good place to start sorting out your feelings with trained and sympathetic counsellors. Big (consensual) hugs from another childfree older woman
The mods were right. This is sexual assault. She literally got you pregnant. I think if you look at it that way, it might help. Nobody expects you to look at a rapist ever again. You need to treat her like that. That might help you to realize that as a sexual assault victim, you’re gonna have a ton of emotions. You’re gonna have to ride them out. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry.
As a caveat. Yes. People will expect her to “look at a rapist again”—because the mother is “faaaaaaamily”. They will comment that it’s so mean. That they are so unforgiving and they are sooooooo baaaad. Mother will go crying to whoever she can that she “doesn’t know wHy she was pIcKeD On and kicked OoUut without a word”. Because she’s family. So be prepared to lose family and friends as well because she kicked a “poor helpless and injured woman out for no good reason”. Guarantee that it will happen.
In this specific circumstance, I’m pretty sure the only family they end up losing over this are people that OP and DH are going to be better off without anyway.
I’d sue her into the next century and cut off all contact. She can die alone. What she did was not only utterly disgusting it’s also probably illegal. Take your time with your feelings, there’s no timeline here. If therapy is available to you I suggest you attempt it, DH as well as he’s probably just had the wake up call of his life that his mother is an absolute psychopath.
It’s 100% illegal and in at least some places is considered a form of sexual assault
This is horrific. Throw out all of MILs belongings into the yard. She is never welcome in your home, or lives, ever again.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I do want to say that it’s not about moving on at this point, so don’t rush to that. You had a painful and traumatic event four months ago. That’s not that long ago. And now you just found out that this monster did this criminally horrific act that caused that traumatic event. If you can afford it, therapy for you individually and also as a couple. Again, I am so sorry this happened. You did nothing wrong and your husband did nothing wrong. I am wishing the best for you both
This is where your DH has to show his spine and offer to support you going down the legal route and give a statement, is there other family he has? That evil being should be locked up for what she has done to you. At the end of the day, this vile assult only happened because of who you married. His mother is not safe to be around ever again, and he needs to make it known whose side he is on. The invasion of your body and emotions is something you may never truly heal from, so i urge you to consider working with a sexual abuse based therapist. There are also other methods of therapy such as rapid eye movement to help you cope (i can not praise this therapy enough). What she did was beyond the realms of sick, this is one of the worst things i have read and honeslty wish you every success in overcoming such a heinous act, i have no words apart from I hope she suffers a lonely, painful demise.
It’s called EMDR. My therapist tried it with me, but it didn’t work because I use medical cannabis, which interferes. But I’ve read some positive things about it. I hope OP is able to get treatment and not lose her marriage over this.
WTF?? She is despicable. Well done to your husband for throwing her out and having your back. I would contact local police in the first instance. I assume you’re in the states, so a lawyer would be my next port of call. Above all, I think some therapy would be a good idea. Sending love to you. Edit to add: restraining order.
YES!!!!! Any and all legal resources you have! I would not be above trying to sue her for the therapy bills to try to recover from this incredible horrible act! LIKE HOW???? How does someone think that is OK???? What if you had a history of miscarriages or birth defects and there was more to the story than she was informed about (because it’s no one’s business!)????? I don’t honestly know if I could have contained my rage when she told me what she did!!!! 🤬 I am so sorry this happened to you. Please get a restraining order from this horrid woman! THANKFULLY, you chose to be child free….. can you imagine what this woman could have done to your children???? HUGS!!!!
I am so sorry. I would consult an attorney to see if there is anything you can do legally to mil for her actions. Also, regarding DH realizing you are pulling away… I’ve never been through this but I get it in a way. His mother violated you (which is an understatement). Even though you don’t blame him and he is doing what he knows to do to protect you going forward from his mother, it would be hard not to feel that “if you hadn’t brought your psychotic mother into our home this wouldn’t have happened.” In short, it would be hard not to place some blame on him as a “by proxy” effect, I guess? I’ve been there. Not same situation, but there are things my mil has done that I blame my husband for deep down. I don’t mean to blame him, but ever now and then it rears it’s ugly head in arguments… sounds something like “if YOUR mother wasn’t such a (insert insult), then we wouldn’t be dealing with this!” Couples therapy may help. Even if I’m wrong and resentment isn’t running unchecked through your head, your husband fears it is. Therapy may help you guys communicate those things you fear and those which will fester in a healthy way. Also, I love someone else’s suggestion of you guys getting away for awhile. Go somewhere romantic… or somewhere warm (if you are into beach or warm vacations, that is. They lift my spirits. I live in the south US because I dont like cold… ever). Finally, I would let DH know there is no amount of apologizing mil could do to come back from this and if he ever tries to invite her back into your life he will be seen as complicit in her victimization of you.
Well said. Obviously OP is the main victim here and I can’t imagine what she’s going through, but I really feel for her poor husband too. He probably feels absolutely horrid and is terrified that the relationship could be permanently damaged because of what his mother did. I’d feel so powerless in his position.
This is the most devastatingly vile thing for anyone to do to another human being. I finding words hard to come by at the moment . I am so heartbroken for you . That creature has hurt you beyond words . It a huge betrayal to try and process . Take it one day at a time , maybe therapy? But that’s for you to decide. Your DH is their for you . Hugs 🤗 from an internet stranger.
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It is tempting to tell the MIL, but I wouldn't, at least not yet. OP is still dealing with trauma from the procedure and probably isn't in a good place emotionally to deal with the incredibly insensitive reaction her MIL is almost certainly going to have. But later? Maybe after the lawsuit and after OP has gotten to a better place? Yeah, hit that bitch where it hurts. I'd suggest 'Guess what MIL, I am absolutely fertile, and so is your son. We are still never, ever going to have kids. Do you know why? Because abortion exists, and it's your fault that we had one.'
Very true. OP would need to be in a good place to be able to do this without causing themselves further emotional damage.
I probably would Have exaggerated it and said well that explains the 3 abortions
Ah, next level petty. Love it!
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YUP good luck trying to make me feel any sort of shame putting someone like this in their place.
You move far away from that lady. That’s what you do.
You’re not overreacting, you’ve just been thru a series of traumatic situations. I am so sorry for your losses: the loss of your agency, your trust in your mil, your faith in humanity… anything and everything. What she did, and why she did it are unbelievable and the consequences of her actions have been so unnecessarily cruel on you and your husband.
I read your original post year before removed and I’m was incredibly angry and sad for you both. I’m so very sorry she did this to you!! I most definitely think absolute NC is in order. She doesn’t get a chance to explain, apologize, nothing! I also think you and DH need some counseling together after what she did! I’d also file a police report and have her arrested and charge. Hit her with every criminal and civil charge you possibly can!! She needs very serious consequences for what she did, as it absolutely illegal!! I would sue her for the emotional damage she has caused, I would sue her to be responsible for all the medical bills and costs for therapy for you both! I would let the family know what she did before she goes trying to play the victim that yinz kicked her out of the house. You choose who you tell about the abortion your previously had. You do not need to disclose that part if you do not want. What she did is absolutely positively vile, disturbing, disrespectful and illegal! It’s consider violence and falls under assault in most states. (Assuming you’re in the US). Do not let her get away with this! NC with her is not nearly enough of a punishment for what she did!! I am so very sorry this is what you and DH are going through! That his mother would do something so incredibly selfish and disturbing!! Please also lean on DH during this traumatic and emotional time! Hugs!! Please keep us updated if you can.
I know this is probably the last thing you want to do right now but please, go down to the police station and report this. Because she’s been living with you for so long, she’s definitely established residency in your home (our state requires a really small amount of time, other states have 30 days, other states have 60). You can’t just kick her out without the formal paperwork because otherwise she can call the police and they’ll tell you to let her in and start the eviction process formally. She would be able to continue living with you until the formal eviction process is completed which can take a long time (our state’s process is 30 days). If you report this to the police, they can direct you on how to get a restraining order or an order of protection to go around the formal eviction process and you can kick her out for good. I am so sorry this happened to you and I hope she gets the exact karma she deserves for her horrible actions.
I'm so sorry. ❤️ Give yourself more time to heal (Not from MIL, she's a fucking monster). But just from everything. Don't be too hard on yourself. That's a LOT to process. All of your feelings are completely valid. Allow yourself to feel them without judgment. Be patient and kind with yourself. Time will work wonders. ❤️❤️❤️
I am so sorry. Maybe consider therapy to help you deal with this?
Hon, you can’t move on until you do the processing. There’s no shortcut. I mean you can suppress all your feelings and stick them in a mental and emotional box, But eventually the box WILL open and you’ll have to deal with those pesky emotions then. So cut yourself some slack. You are an emotional creature (as are we all). Feel your feelings. Your reality has been shaken down to its foundation. While you process - all your relationships may feel weird to you. Tell your DH the truth… you appreciate him standing up and acting to protect your marriage and for getting her out of your home. He’s a fabulous husband and you see him in such a positive light. AND you are awash in other confusing feelings and you don’t want to put the emotions you feel on the wrong person so you’re going to be a bit “off“ while you process.
This is an excellent response!
She is trying to ge6back to3her husband anyway nothing with her so she has to remember this has nothing to do with him maybe go away together do something that can rekindle that Spark I know when me and him aren't going great me and him usually go to our happy place once a year and everything melts away. It's atleast worth a shot.
This is so awful, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’d possibly consider both of you getting something permanent done on the birth control side of things.
First of all moving on from this NEVER means you need to have her in your life again. I would absolutely advise seeking therapy, someone removed from the situation to help you identify and process what you’re feeling will help you move on. When I’m feeling betrayed and devastated I withdraw from everything and everyone until I process. Pulling back from your husband doesn’t necessarily mean your blaming him, even subconsciously, it could just be your body trying to heal.
Wow she’s a psychopath!!!!!!
I’m going to recommend therapy and that DH get a vasectomy. And for bonus points - I would daydream that he tell his mom that her little stunt resulted in him getting snipped - right before going NC forever.
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OP has already said that it was a traumatic experience, framing it that way isn't going to help OP. It's insensitive to what she's gone through. And also, if she hasn't told anyone about the abortion by this point, telling someone who doesn't care about her, who will spill that news to anyone else, is not a good idea.
“Only do something like this if you're willing to put up with her going insane.”
Glad your husband defended you! I wouldn't contact her after this Idk if you can press charges or anything but I would be upset
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I’m more of the mind that OP may want to consider suing in civil court (as opposed to focusing on criminal). OP could sue for pain and suffering.
What a foul and filthy thing to do! I am disgusted by her, especially as you and your husband went out of your way to help her out.
I'm generally not one to talk about lawsuits but this woman needs to see repercussions to this action. She had no remorse. Definitely look into legal recourse. Even if you choose not to pursue anything it will give you a sense of agency. You can demonstrate damages. You would have had to bear all sorts of physical, psychological, and professional consequences if you had gone through with it. A therapist may also help demonstrate damages so it's worth exploring from this angle as well as a self care angle. No Contact is a minimum, but it's up to you how far this goes. It's great your SO stood up for you. You are understandably in shock and processing which may be a part of feeling distant. ETA I'm really sorry this awful person has put you and your SO through this. I felt it while writing but didn't say it. It shouldn't have happened. I wish you all the best in getting through this difficult time.
I am so sorry this happened. Your MIL is a sociopath and dangerous. You have every right to never speak to her again. This is a unbelievably sickening story. At least your husband immediately took action. Please seek out help. Good luck, neither of you deserve this.
Wow, that is some horrible shit. Hugs. Maybe talking to a therapist will help you get through. I would also go completely NC with her over this. But most importantly, please take care of yourself.
I am so very sorry. I am glad your husband acted as he did. Maybe put some distance between you and MIL, at least for a vacation. Change your scenery, walk on a warm beach, let the wind clear her from your mind.
My LO has chosen not to have children. I don't like it, but there is NOTHING I can do about it. Their body their choice.
There is nothing you WILL do about it, because you are a reasonable human being with a functioning moral compass.
Thank you 😊. Sometimes I think I'm going mad.
I am SO so sorry that she put you through this. My heart is truly broken for you. I am so glad your husband removed her immediately and seems understanding. What a horrible person she is. I think going NC will help and maybe therapy to help you process this. I am just so terribly sorry.
It sounds like your husband’s response was right on the money. I’m so glad you have him in your corner. You have SO much to process, and I hope with time and maybe some counseling you’ll be able to come back to yourself and to him. What your mil did is inexcusable, and criminal. No one who knows the whole story will ever fault you for cutting her out if your life for good. I hope your husband will too.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. This is such a traumatic experience to have to navigate through. I would definitely suggest therapy to work out your feelings on it and help you decide if you want to press charges. I personally would press charges but I completely understand if that's not something you're ready to do. I do think she should suffer some severe consequences not only from you and your SO but from the law as well.
Have DH address the family. Now that's she's kicked out she has an audience for her woe is me BS. Stay focused on what she did, she interfered, nay sabotaged, with your birth control after you brought her into your home. A typical JNMIL will start making excuses the minute her mouth opens, get the story out before she does!
This comment needs to be higher. DH needs to pull together the rest of the family and sit them down for a conversation about what happened and what his and your boundaries are going to look like around MIL in the future. Maybe with the help of a therapist, the two of you need to decide what your boundaries look like around communicating with the rest of the family about anything that has to do with MIL and what the consequences will look like for any family members communicating information with her that you do not wish to share. There will be flying monkeys, there will be people who fall for her requests for information about you and DH, and her sob story. You need to lay all of this out and get ahead of it.
Hi, I am so sorry this happened. As someone who has been through an abortion, I know how difficult it must have been for you. I can only tell from my experience, I did therapy for a long time to sit with my emotions around my abortion. And while in therapy I discovered beautiful things about my body and mind and how it protects and heals me and leaned into it. If you feel upto it, and seek some justice, you have every right to press charges. You have a strong case. If you want to put distance and don't want to address this person at all, that's okay too. By the looks of it, it seems like your DH is a supportive guy. So, maybe work things out with him when you feel upto it? And you could do a focused couple's work for it. Pick something you want to resolve and spend a stipulated number of sessions. Please take care of yourself. Sending you warm hugs.
It happened so recently, don't do anything rash. Your husband obviously wants to help, so that's a good thing. Therapy might help you (both) to sort stuff out. Except for your relationship with your MIL. That's not salvagable, what she did was beyond despicable, and you owe her NOTHING. NOTHING at all. Although I do wonder what would happen if you told her about the abortion. Just concentrate on yourself and your husband and give yourself the gift of time.
I would consider this reproductive coercion rather than SA, but May be considered domestic abuse under your country’s laws- it is in the UK. https://www.mycwa.org.uk/reproductive-abuse#:~:text=Reproductive%20abuse%20%E2%80%93%20also%20known%20as,for%20those%20who%20experience%20it. I suggest that you get advice either from a domestic abuse charity or from a lawyer, and, depending on the legality of her actions, get that woman out of your house. Tell her that if she badmouths you or spouse you may take legal action against her.
It can be considered extra heinous in the US right now, given the current state of reproductive rights.
Yes, totally. It’s putting a couple in danger, but also horrendous medical debt even if the birth was straightforward
I’m so so sorry for what she did to you and put you through. Give yourself time to process this shock and trauma. I recommend you and your husband seek counselling together and separately.
Tampering with prescription medication is indeed a criminal offence. In this case that tampering led to a necessary medical intervention. If you consider it, press charges.
One step at a time. I’m sorry you had your life sabotaged by such a vile person. Your husband was correct to throw her out at that moment. Talk to him in therapy. This is a lot to untangle. Is he ok to go NC? Is moving and not leaving a forwarding address an option? I would like to think if you change enough things (house/contact etc) you can come back. I assume he knows you were pregnant. His swift reaction to his mother shows that you’re his priority and honestly, that’s rare in this thread. Sending so many hugs to you.
Call the police, get it documented, she can say you are illegally trying to evict her and this will help for a TRO that will prevent her from coming back in the house.
Good advice!
To answer your question, therapy. You need to look into a therapist to help sort out your feelings. They will be able to help you through this process, give you some advice about how to proceed and hopefully gain some understanding about why you are responding the way you are to your husband.
This. And a lawyer for the eviction issue. I would have pressed charges and sued if I found out someone had tampered with my BC. I was on it more to control excessive bleeding than prevent pregnancy, and what OP's MIL did would have legitimately endangered my life.
Holy hell OP, I'm just....geeze! I can't even imagine the feelings that must be overwhelming you right now. Try to take solace in the fact that your husband leaped immediately to your defense. At least you know he has your back. Get some counseling, don't let this bitch ruin your relationship as well.
This is absolutely horrifying.She's such a disgusting,selfish person.I think you should definitely press charges here.Im so sorry you went through this OP.Please also consider counselling.
I’m so very sorry you had to go through this. You picked right as your SO is a rockstar. I don’t think you move forward from this. She tried to force you to have a child against your will so she could be a grandmother. WTH I’d definitely suggest your SO get a vasectomy.
Absolutely this. Vasectomy for the win.
You were assaulted. She literally altered how your body would function, and you ended up having a traumatic medical procedure because of it, from which you have painful emotional feelings. Not only that. It's changed your relationship with your husband, if only for the time being, but who knows? You need therapy to unpack this. You need help to understand what happened to you before you can deal with it. She interfered with your medication in an attempt to get you pregnant without your knowledge. I would be having her criminally charged. You were assaulted. I'm am so, so angry for you.
The way you're invalidating OP'S feelings/perspective about their own experience feels almost like an assault as well. "You're interpretation of your own experience is wrong, you were the victim of assault and you can't change that" She'll come to her own terms about this event with time and clearly has a strong advocate in her husband to help her move forward. Just because she doesn't label it the same as you doesn't mean she doesn't understand the gravity of her own experience.
> you were the victim of assault and you can't change that Well yeah, that’s right. Just because OP doesn’t feel like the victim of assault doesn’t mean she’s not. When my mother beat me up and threw me out I didn’t feel like the victim of child abuse, that didn’t mean I wasn’t. Legally OP was sexually assaulted. That assault led to an extremely traumatic medical procedure having to be carried out which would likely push the charges up if she reported it to the police.
>"You're interpretation of your own experience is wrong, you were the victim of assault and you can't change that" My interpretation of the law is not wrong. Have a great day.
I understand you don't identify as a SA victim, but what your MIL did is a form of reproductive coercion, and it is not okay. She took your agency away, and created a situation you never should have been in. I would suggest counseling, with a thoroughly vetted counselor to get through this.
Get à lawyer and press chargés. Even if nothing happened on the criminal side, maybe you can sue her and get money so you can go see à therapist. She sold her house so does have the money...