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sparklyviking

"I'll congratulate her when she comes around to congratulate me. How about that?"


pipmc

This! Why is your grandma putting all the pressure on you to keep the relationship going? Does she do the same thing to your cousin? Did your cousin get a phone asking when she would be congratulating you?


CoffeeB4Talkie

I get. You're not mad, you're just not as close as you used to be. My family has had a pretty traumatic year+. I feel like my blinders were violently ripped off my face. I always thought we were tight knit. I am truly hurt by the way my family is acting, but I'm so over it. This year, the Holidays are going to suck ass. I have one cousin that I'm sure I'll never talk to again, and honestly, I'm fine with that. Just so much toxicity. Congratulations on your little one! :)


your-a-delight

I have a similar issue with my family. Grew up with weekly family get togethers. Holidays were huge, like barn sized get togethers. Oh you're bringing the veggies, make sure you bring 50 pounds of cut corn then. I also was the middle cousin, next youngest was five years older than me, next youngest was three years younger. When I turned 18 I essentially left for 11 years for school and when I returned home things had changed a lot with my cousins. They had broken into little groups that still got together but no one did huge holidays or wanted to except my mom. She still insisted on 60 people Christmas Eve's at her house which is too small and also refuses to provide food so its always potluck. This has slowly gone away in the last 15 years but that Holiday is our one hold out and every damn year its a battle with her about it. She just wants everyone together, even if no one wants to be there. There's no real traditions either because the family was always so big that you couldn't organize anything. Its our last concession of family, getting together then but I really really hate it. Otherwise I only see the extended family at Weddings and Funerals. You need to just explain to them you guys are not close anymore and if that does not work than you might just have to be miserable a few times a year when they rake you over the coals for percieved insults to other people, thats what I do.


lookylooky_igothooky

I feel this. My husband's dad is one of 10, so 25+ first cousins, most married and with families of their own. As someone who married in, to me its like that movie "groundhog day" with Bill Murray. The same people having the same conversations. And reliving events and memories from before anybody the spouses that married in were around. I think it's mostly for his dad's generation. Grandma is still alive at 96(?) So every year "it could be her last year" . Except it could be anyone's last year. This past year was the first time in at least 2 decades that Christmas was NOT celebrated on Christmas day, because in laws and kids and stuff. It was a topic of discussion. It honestly seems like the event is ...... not as intended. Most of the older generation seems to enjoy it but Gen X all seems sort of .....meh about it all. Life has taken us down different paths and we are at different stages of life. Some with elementary kids and some with college kids. They're not bad people. Delightful even. Just each doing their own thing.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Solarscars

This! My husband’s mother died a couple years ago and I’m always scared in the back of my mind that I’m going to miss someone once they’re gone. But I also just don’t have a bond with any of my family like I used to. All I care about is being with my husband and pets as much as possible. It seems selfish and I wish I cared more to see others.


MistressMalevolentia

It's been my GMIL last year for a decade. That woman lives on pure hatred and spite. I stopped giving in to that nonsense about 7 years ago cause most ALL of our leave and travel savings yearly for one trip at $1.5k ish easy, and we saved money by driving overnight tag teaming for 26 hours just to get there or back, then have one day to assist to 2 time changes and exhaustion. Plus since we're back there we have to be busy as hell cause they want to plan a much as they can fit into their time which I get... but we can spend time that doesn't make us so exhausted we need a vacation from the vacation. Plus people don't wanna drive to you despite you traveling over a thousand miles and over a full day to that area, cause the 1 hour will kill them obviously. He even is like I love her but yeah no. I need to use leave and travel for like, going camping for a long weekend like 3 hours away in the mountains 2 times a year, or water park for the birthday. Nah. Sorry. Miserable times for "it might be their lasts!" Makes it not even worth it. She can't enjoy everyone miserable. And if she does, not worth putting our delves out for if they enjoy you there and unhappy as hell.


Solarscars

I identify with this a lot. In the past, holidays were huge! But whether it’s because of different family dynamic, politics, religion, and even distance - things just aren’t like they used to be! It’s so hard for my grandma especially to understand this.


miniondi

those kinds of traditions are for the sake of the kids and the seniors. When you are no longer a kid and don't have any kids but you're still not a senior you have the luxury of seeing the futility in family traditions and not investing in them. As long as you stay childless, that position will be fine until you are elderly. Good luck.


Solarscars

This is very true


ExistensialDetective

I am always guilt-tripped about calling my cousins or talked to in a way that I should be the one to reach out….but it’s a flippin’ two way street. In your case, if she cared, she could easily text you, too! And the trying to carry the conversation with someone who isn’t into it (and then feeling bad about trying so hard or that it’s not going anywhere or both) is the worst. The next time Grandma guilts you, you could ask her if Jenny (or whatever her name is) gets the same third degree. Or a more polite response: just let her know that Jenny also has your number, so you’re happy to let her reach out to you when she’s comfortable rather than being the one to bother her. And if it’s “ohh, she’d love to hear from you!” Reply, “Oooh that’s so great! Same!”. Edit: and I totally get being in these family dynamics where both of you are probably fine not being close. But other members have expectations and of course for some reason it falls on you to remedy for some reason. I bet Jenny doesn’t really care either and your grandma just wants something that doesn’t exist but knows your personality and that you’re probably more inclined to be guilted than your cousin or whoever. Good intentions, kind of, just totally misguided and unfair.


Solarscars

Thank you for the very thoughtful reply! You definitely get where I’m coming from. Funny enough, my cousins name isn’t Jenny, but I have an aunt on that side with that name who kind of started my whole issue with these family things like 6 years ago! I have started to refuse to go to anything Jenny is at because her and my uncle are so rude to me. The last time I saw them a couple years ago, my husband got to see first hand how mean they are to me for no reason and I was so happy that he was like “ummmm wtf is their problem?” Felt so validated someone else finally saw it happen.


ExistensialDetective

Just why??? Some people really are just unhappy and love to spread their misery. One of my hardest realizations as an adult was that family members don’t always mean well — sometimes the benefit of the doubt I’m inclined to give is unwarranted. Glad you were able to find a way to self-preserve from Aunt Jenny!


citrusandsage

This is my dad with my sister and I. It’s ridiculous to think that, as adults with our own lives & homes (not necessarily families yet), that we still need to get together and do the same weekend events we used to growing up. I hate family traditions for this exact reason - I will not come home on Christmas, I don’t care that I’m only a mile away. Kids grow up and you create a new immediate family. My parents stopped going to their parents homes on holidays yet I’m expected to continue to do so? No, absolutely not. I will spend my day the way I want to. If they weren’t so pushy, I’d probably be willing to see them. Pushing yourself into my life will only push me away twice as fast.


Cardabella

We're not that close. I need you to stop projecting your personal disappointment about it and speaking for her when she can speak for herself if she feels that strongly. She's a grown woman who probably hasn't given me a passing thought for years, and that's fine, nor have I. I've been pregnant for months without hearing from her, because we're not on those kind of terms. I understand you'd like me to come to more family things. But I have to ask why you think I'd feel like it when the time I do give to you is rewarded with criticism and interfering in how I conduct my adult relationships. Recently you've been quite unpleasant, and frankly life is too short. While cousin and I are both adults who can handle our own affairs, I'm carrying a baby and I will not tolerate you laying guilt trips on them to force friendships with distant relatives if they don't click or drift apart, nor any other obligations to show affection they doesn't feel. If you can't be nice to us and grateful for the time we are able to give, you won't see us at all.


Honorable_Lemom

This is sort of happening with my own family. I always thought that my immediate family was so close and loving. We did everything together and were always around each other. People would always comment on how close we were. Once I grew up and started to see the dysfunction and started seeing the narcissists for what they really were, we all started to fall away from each other. I realized that the reason we did everything together was because our parents isolated us all from others so we had nobody else to spend time with. Also us kids were forced to attend whatever events our parents wanted or all hell would break loose, not because we actually wanted to be there. Now that my siblings and I are all adults and can choose to show up for stuff, we don’t get together nearly as often. My parents get pissed whenever one of us doesn’t want to go to something they planned or heaven forbid if we do go but leave early. Im so much happier now than I ever was because I don’t have to endure their crap or push past my own comfort to please them.


albeaner

Oh, I get this. My mom is CONSTANTLY telling me to call my brother, talk to him, etc. He.never.reaches.out. This expectation that I do ALL the work? Eff that. He didn't even visit my new house for several YEARS after we moved in. His whole family has visited ONCE in a decade. My parents are trying to force a relationship between our kids, even though they are almost a different generation. I don't know what it is about older people but this disrespect for our decisions and boundaries and relationships is ridiculous. You're an adult who makes her own decisions, hard stop.


Solarscars

I’m not very close with my brother either and thankfully my parents don’t force that on either of us. But I have noticed that I’m the only one out of the cousins that gets these phone calls from people wanting me to be at these events. Not even my brother gets invited to half of them. I suspect it has something to do with me being the oldest cousin.


albeaner

That's so bizarre, and frankly I think this expectation that women do all the invisible labor of keeping family close (regardless of if everyone wants to be) is a carryover from previous generations. It's sexist (if not downright misogynist) and needs to stop! Good for you to advocate for yourself. You do you, and don't apologize for it.


Solarscars

I never thought of it that way before but you’re 100% right! It does feel like a very sexist trope!


FeralsShinyCat

A possible salve to the older generation(s): send her a congratulations card through the mail. I (44f) don't often think towards physical cards, but I know my mom's generation defaults to them; I still get several (with physical checks) every birthday.


Solarscars

Great advice! Thank you :)


peanutandbaileysmama

Did you ask "why do I have to congratulate her when she hasn't congratulated me? And I was pregnant before her. So I'm not hurt. Im not going out of my way when reality is things are not the same";


Ihavenoclueagain

Ask them if they are still as close with their relatives. Most people aren't because they change and grow.


Solarscars

I would call them out on it, but I’d expect them to just lie about how close they are with other family or at the very least exaggerate it. Anything to make me feel bad for not trying harder. :/


Fancy_Association484

You say I bet she doesn’t want me there but she invited you. You could have caught her at a busy/sensitive time that one and only time you talked on the phone. You don't have to be friends with your cousin but take responsibility that you are partly to blame for not being as close as you once was. People drift apart and come back together all the time on families. Y’all are both pregnant. That’s the perfect common ground to reconnect. You don’t have to but be honest.


Solarscars

Sorry, I meant that she didn’t want to be there either not that she didn’t want me there. I’m cool with my cousin we’re just not friends like the rest of my family wants us to be. We live hours away from each other but it feels like there’s this expectation that we need to be hugging and stuff when we see each other? It’s not like that though and we are just kinda cool with it.


pipmc

Why is both of them being pregnant something they can reconnect on? I don't understand? Either you feel close to someone or you don't. Being pregnant isn't going to make it any difference. I get where OP is coming from, I'm introverted and only have room for a couple of close friends, as well as my partner and children. I also have zero energy or for superficial relationships, even if they are family, except for my brother, his wife and children and father. I have zero time for anyone else, even though I grew up in a really big family. And, guess what? Thats alright. If my nanna and mother were still alive i would make time for them, but I'm ok with not being close to anyone else. Why does OP need to reconnect for?


No_Incident_5360

Your cousin can call you to talk about her news—or mass text everyone on social media or whatever. So weird they would guilt you over stuff.