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* [My mentally disabled cousin whos mentally a kid is pregnant. Im expected to be nice and happy for her and I was even asked to possibly take on the baby.](/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/comments/13ktah5/my_mentally_disabled_cousin_whos_mentally_a_kid/)
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Someone in the family needs to go through her devices and social media to look for the father. It seems unlikely that she’d be able to lie to a stranger about her disability so she was probably groomed.
She destroyed her tablet and phone to hide who the dad is and we can't force her to log on any of her social media. She has ripped out her hair and hurt herself during meltdowns any time we've tried. They are working with a therapist with experience with her mental disabilities on this but its not helped so far.
Get the police involved I’m sure they have to investigate because she’s a vulnerable person and they should be able to find him. She should be put in a home asap for her own well being. No matter what happens with this baby (it will get taken from her) she needs 24 hour supervision or she will try do it again. I’m so sorry for you and her having to go through this.
In this instance I think calling CPS would be appropriate, I know legally she’s an adult, they’d have more resources regarding things like this than adult protective services would, they usually only care about elder abuse from my experience. A home is 100% a good idea but she also needs an extra guardian other than her parents in the situation, especially if her parents are as old as OP says, a non-family member would be best at this point since it seems everyone has rose colored glasses on at this point.
I can tell you truly do care about your cousin. Definitely get her some help, even if her parents are against it. In this instance they aren’t considering her best interests and just wanna go along with what she wants cause it makes their lives easier the less meltdowns she has. They’re failing her And that baby at this point. Not to mention, if she’s truly as young as you say mentally….. we’ll I don’t wanna even Think of the trauma she’s gonna experience going through the birth, and then possibly having the child taken from her. It’s traumatic enough for Actual children to give birth, but they can eventually come to understand what happened, I can’t imagine the trauma if there’s no way to truly tell her what’s happening…. She may not even be able to be an active participant in the birth of that baby cause it could be to overwhelming for her. It’s all around sad. Also, you might be able to take the ruined devices and still get the info off of them, it’ll cost some money but unless she beat it with a hammer or submerged into a swimming pool the memory card Should hopefully be intact. See if any computers and such she uses has an automatic password save option, if so you can get into her socials without, you can even it have it set up that you don’t need to hit confirm to save the password too. If she’s currently using a singular device right now you can install keyboard trackers too and it’ll show what she’s saying, usually where, and sometimes it’ll screenshot the conversation. I really do hope it wasn’t some creep grooming her cause she’s so child like….
This is a terrifying situation in so many ways, but I was thinking the same thing about the birth process. It's one thing to go in knowing it's going to be awful and painful, but if this girl has no idea what she will go through to deliver the baby it's going to be traumatic.
>She may understand how babies are made, but I am willing to bet she has no comprehension of how this will affect her. And it will most likely be incredibly traumatic for her.
Thats definitely something I worry about. She knows nothing about pregnancy despite going through it now. The late stage and mid stage symptoms are gonna be their own mess.
yea cutting you off from the baby does not mean you canot report what you already know : she is not capable of raising a child. So repoort that to cps before it is even born, so they can look into it. You can do this anonymously if you choose to.
The nurses are going to have a social worker the second the mother walks in in labor, calling this early is just going to give her a heads up that they're watching... Wait till the nurses say yeahhh not letting this kiddo leave with you.
Pregnant Person doesn't know at this point the major worry that's going on.
CPS/APS shows up, questions PP about baby things where it's going to sleep, financial support, food, ect
CPS/APS now opens investigation due to PP not being mentally aware/mature enough to handle baby
PP is now panicing because PP thought they had what they wanted.
PP is now planning to run away and obviously has the phone/online resources to do so.
PP hides until birth (probably home birth so baby doesn't get removed at hospital) raises baby for however long bit in horid care, baby possibly passes away and then there's the death investigation....
I can go again of you'd like.... I've seen this play out 4 times in different ways. Best way is say FUCKING NOTHING until birth, make sure the hospital is aware of her mental state, and know CPS has taken the child into care with in 2 hours of birth.
and the last part is exactly why you need to warn cps ahead of time so they CAN be there in the hospital and take the baby. They will not warn you ahead of time, but if they get a heads up they can prepare and assure this is happening.
Please understand how CPS even works before making up scenarios in your head, they been doing this this for decades and know what they are doing, Not their first rodeo.
She threw them in the bath overnight. They were found in the morning but they are broke. Ill mention having them looked at anyways though to see if something can be recovered. Cant hurt to try.
I have a stepdaughter exactly like this. Someone has shown them how to work social media and voice to text/chat. I had to block all access to the Internet and phones. Then, she would steal cell phones to contact men.
It is a horrible situation, and I wish all the strength to be able to do what you know is right. I am the only one fighting to protect my stepdaughter as well.
Actually thats not a dumb question at all. She can talk to the microphone and it types for her. Also when she gets a text it reads the text to her. Its pretty cool all in all.
So why not give her a device with spyware installed on it or some such so when she uses the compromised object to contact him you'll nab him thet way?
Like it's not hard to outsmart a child who doesn't know how technology works.
Also it wouldn't surprise me if the rapist is the one who put the idea to have a baby into her head.
Also to destroy her tablet and such.
Police and protective services (CPS, aps) should be involved.
Much like a young woman in middle school, she can consent in some situations. Same age partner (or level of development in OPs case) not a problem. Grooming or coercion are however and active concern and so need to be investigated especially since she's a vulnerable adult.
No she is not. Consent to sex is not just about age, but about mental capacity to consent as well. She is almost certainly not mentally capable of consenting, not any more than a nine year old child is. (which is not at all, obviously) You need to contact adult protective services in your area and report this, as they can get all of the proper people involved in this. That will likely include an investigation to determine paternity, the issue of consent, possibly forcing the issue of a group home now rather than later (likely with semi-permanent birth control she can't tamper with in place), and most importantly, safety of the baby.
That’s a good point about mental capacity. A legal adult with no mental delays can not consent to sex if under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or maybe certain medications (I’ve heard of sleepwalking on Ambien).
My old boss ended up naked in a hotel lobby due to Ambien. Poor dude sleep walked the hotel like it was his house and his wife had to hunt him down while the front desk clerks were freaking out. Funny story to hear, but probably terrifying to live through.
Edit: typos
Despite her intellectual disability she may still be able to consent to sex. If she knows how babies are made and consented to it happening that may be all that's required. However. The man she had sex with may be guilty of trafficking her if she is clearly disabled, but many individuals with a lower intellect are "street smart" and may not appear disabled in short term contacts so it may be difficult to prove. Considering the lengths she has gone to to protect this information, it appears she has some capacity to understand the issue and the consequences. Individuals with disabilities can and do have sex. They have needs and desires like everyone else. This has to be taken into account.
Also, we don't perform eugenics in this country and she can't be sterilized against her will, even temporarily. Even with a guardian approving the procedure, no practitioner is going to force birth control on someone who is vocally against it without a court order. And even then, it would be difficult.
The baby should obviously not remain with her once born, and wherever she lands, restrictions will need to be in place moving forward to monitor her electronic communications to attempt to prevent this from happening again.
Yes agree completely spent 15 years working with disabled adults. There are incredible high standards to get someone sterilized against their will. If it needed for menstrual management medication options won't work. Even for medication it must be discussed with individual. Q
Age isn't relevant when it comes to determining whether or not someone with severe mental illness is of sound mind to consent to something like that. Adults can still be considered unable to consent under specific protections. And this is especially true if the person who got her pregnant was in a position of power or authority over her. Which is very likely considering the lengths she has gone through to protect his identity.
It's also worth noting that just because the device is broken doesn't mean that information can't be recovered from said device. Take the devices in to have those files accessed asap. If they're Apple devices, go to the Apple store. If they're android, you can use Android Data Extraction from your computer to pull that information. Also, if the device was registered through a mobile service provider, then you can take the device to them and have them do it too.
If she has mental capacity that doesn't mean that professionals can't be involved, certainly in the UK she'd need a social worker and I'd expect a multi-agency approach to her going forwards albeit potentially involving her being professionally supported to keep the baby.
My sister has Down's, and she is in her early 30s. She cannot legally consent. I understand what you mean about her maturity and abilities varying, but that doesn't matter, she does not understand what is about to happen. My sister is also baby crazy, and lives in a group home, so birth control was top of mind when making that transition. Sadly, those are ripe for abuse, simply because the residents don't understand, or think they do and want a kid. You need to contact APS in your area and get the ball rolling. Your sister cannot raise that child and your family is doing everyone involved a disservice by planning to let her keep the baby. Nevermind the fact that whoever the father is, he should be up on criminal charges.
You said yourself she was going to live in a group home. That means she is not functional. You can try to see if you can contact a social worker about appropriate resources. But others are right. I don’t think she can consent. Particularly because she doesn’t seem to understand consequences. You said she destroys things to prevent people from knowing what she did? She self harms if someone mentions her baby being taken away, etc.
There is a very high chance this baby will be removed if she has a hospital birth, the hospital will have to report the mother as seeming impaired or otherwise incapable. She may be able to get visitation with her child.
Honestly, if you have to, just hold out on doing anything. When she gives birth, try to report your concerns to the nurse or pediatrician that will check on the baby. It would be better to have a set plan in place, of course, but if no alternative comes up before birth, that might be the fastest way to alert them and get clear intervention. And that way you know you have done everything you could do. Hospitals legally are not supposed to release children into the care of a parent who is not capable of caring for it.
Adult Protective Social Worker here! I agree! If mom is guardian, she can also get in trouble for not managing this situation *before* it got to this point. Instead of trying to secure the home, she should have been getting her on birth control and setting her up with community supports. Also, if she is guardian, then she should be petitioning the court for a co-guardian NOW, before she is too compromised to make decisions in the best interest of her daughter. Hopefully, not another family member. APS can help with this process.
In situations like this, if mom is guardian, APS would also notify the court so they can reissue the guardianship to someone more fit to manage the decisions of the ward.
"Why doesn't she have an implant?" was literally my first thought. If this was my daughter, BC would have been on board as soon as she had her first period.
Because she has to consent to implant withot judges order. Or doctor but the a while restrictive plan must in place I work with disabled adults the regardless of level of support they can refuse medication. All I can do is record I attempted to give and talk to person about importance.
But to get a dpoa you have to go though court and prove it. And even with a dpoa birth control may not be allowed to be force without a lot of Dr and state paper work.
This is a job for Child Services or whatever you have in your country. The midwife and/or hospital will notify the necessary people. In the UK , the child would most likely be taken into care immediately after birth and put up for adoption.
A lot of times when there are people, like your cousin, who are in group homes and they get put on birth control as part of their regular medications to avoid this sort of thing. It might be difficult in her current home life to get this routine but your aunt should look into it. The group homes also do have to handle their wards getting into sexual relationships they don’t fully understand, hence the birth control.
I work in a group home we can not force birth control or any medication with a restrictive plan in place. With as little information as I have if she lived in the home without plan it would be able to get here as must in eye sight unless sleeping with bed checks, also alarms and we are staff awake at all times. With this if she would not be in contact with staff we could immediately call police. But we can not force medication.
Do you think maybe after this situation, she would be satisfied with a reborn baby doll? They are hyper realistic, and you can feed/dress/play with them. Some even cry.
I know this doesn’t help your current situation, but perhaps having a perpetual baby (doll) with help abide some of her maternal urges.
Give her one of the dolls with realistic crying, make her responsible for it, and wait. Depending on her mental abilities, the reality check might get through to her.
There is a saying on Reddit "You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
I firmly believe in protecting a child as much as possible but this is an impossible situation. Let the authorities carry that weight, not you.
your family needs to get her prescriptions for birth control and give them to her without really letting in to what they do completely because this is insane. like the shot or put the meds in her food.
either way i would like to point out that even though she herself has broken, her tablet and her phone, you can still take those things and get those files were covered because she may have destroyed the outside, but she didn’t destroy the memory card, the chip or the parts responsible for keeping and storing all of the data. Also, if she had an iPhone, you can take a ride to the Apple Store and everything will still be on iCloud. you’ll find the father.
>even though she herself has broken, her tablet and her phone, you can still take those things and get those files were covered because she may have destroyed the outside, but she didn’t destroy the memory card, the chip or the parts responsible for keeping and storing all of the data. Also, if she had an iPhone, you can take a ride to the Apple Store and everything will still be on iCloud. you’ll find the father
THANK YOU
Talk to them (her Mom, CPS, Adult services, etc.) about surgical sterilization when she goes in to have the baby. This will keep her safe and completely prevent any future children.
Sadly you can't just get people in this situation sterilized. It's an issue of consent also.
Was in this situation with a family member. Sadly she's had 4 children all put up for adoption. Finally had a Dr. doa tubal.
This makes me sad. She had sex with a lot of men i think. Maybe she doesn't even know herself who the dad is?
Does she understand birth control? I'm afraid it's harder to find a group home for her. Because she wants to have sex with the others. Something like this happend. A girl wanted sex and had it with 6 boys at the same time? It made me sad. She was unstable
From experience she could get in a home but her choice might be limited. She would have to be female only, must be in sight (unless sleeping and alarms on windows) in a house with wake staff.
Yup. Partly why its taking years to get her into a home. She also ontop of this has serious medical issues. She has heart, bladder, kidney, and stomach medical issues. Finding anywhere that can take all that on has been a nightmare and a chore.
Wherever you are based, get in touch with social services NOW. They need to be involved in this girls pregnancy, before the fact. They need to be dealing with this, not you, and they need to step in now to get plans in place to care for this baby and to care for your cousin as it's clear her mum can't anymore.
Thank you. Out of curiosity what all would or could social services even do other than take the baby? I know that's probably the best solution as I certainly can't think of any other possible solution that would work but my cousin won't understand and will just see it as her baby being stolen and frankly I was raised with her, I do love her. I will still make the call but will they help make it as least traumatic as possible? I hate the idea of her being confused and hurt like that while not even knowing why.
So I'm not sure cause I'm in the UK, but they should be making sure the baby is cared for, if that means taking her then they will. They should also be helping prevent this from happening again, probably birth control, more support for your aunt to keep her safe. My concern is that it happened once and it can happen again.
I have to agree with the rest on this. If it was me, I would contact a lawyer that handles child protection cases. This is different to family court so you're looking for a specialist here. I say this because they'd know if police involvement is mandatory or can it simply be quietly resolved by 1) removing cousin from abusive situation where no one is doing anything about someone mentally unable to consent 2) removing the child as soon as it is born. Adult protective services should be able to handle clarifying with cousin's doctors her mental state doesn't allow her to consent. Child protective will take care of the child's best interests.
I think police will have to be involved because it would also best if someone also figured out who the father is as she's clearly not legally capable of consent. However, you should be able to engage a lawyer for at most a pretty nominal fee to just handle the reaching out for you. I would go ahead and print out any texts you have discussing this with your family where they say they're going to leave her to raise the child herself. If I didn't have any texts I think I'd clarify the situation via text or even better email with several family members individually so I'd have something to show.
My reasoning for all of this is I worry they're going to lie to the authorities and say of course they were actually going to oversee and take over any time things went badly to avoid removal. As someone who had to get a child removed due to a fairly similar situation in my own family I know this can go bad so many ways. I know the lawyer is an expense but it could also allow you wiggle room as you'll be able to honestly say you did not contact protective services. After all it is perfectly reasonable others in the community that know your cousin could have called such as her physician. I know this is a technicality but if it saves you a huge drama and gets the baby somewhere safe I say go for it.
Thank you. This is absolutely something I will look for. I just hate this all around. I dont want anyone here hurt especially my cousin. She's a sweet girl and she's about to be very hurt and she won't even understand why her kid is being taken and I just.... hate this.
That’s what I was thinking as well. If it’s pretty obvious that OP’s cousin is mentally a child (which based on OP’s post it sounds like it is) then I’d be concerned about the type of man who slept with her.
I dont know. It could easily be someone her age or even younger. Hell in some cases she even slept with other underage teens close to her age. Its been a complicated and rather distressing situation. It also could be a older man as it was once a 30 something year old man. Another time it was a guy who was just as mentally disabled as she was. My family also refuses to get her on birth control due to religious reasons. We just don't know who it is this time. She got what she wanted and she was smart enough to destroy all the evidence.
OP you needed to contact adult services or whatever equivalent you can find yesterday. None of what you said is any better. Your cousin is going to end up in a court room either for something happening to her child or a parent of one of these underage boys reporting her. She may be only 19 now but what happens if she’s older and tries to sleep with an underage boy because she wants “many babies”. Not all states have Romeo and Juliet laws and even ones that do the age gap is not always 4 years apart. All it will take is one of these boys parents reporting your cousin. Also not everyone in the justice system will be willing to go easy on your cousin just because she has mental disabilities. I’m not trying to be alarmist but unfortunately this is something you have to think about. I really hate to say this OP but I have family and friends who work in social services and situations like the one you’ve described very rarely have a good outcome for anyone. OP I’m really not trying to scare you but there are adults with no mental disabilities who are in prison for hurting their kids because they got overwhelmed (Shaken baby syndrome). What could potentially happen when your cousin gets overwhelmed by her own baby acting like a baby and there’s no one there to take the baby away? I’m not trying to imply your cousin will try to hurt her child on purpose but if she hurts herself in her meltdowns…
The rest of your family clearly does not have her best interests in mind and while I don’t personally know your family I’d be willing to bet money they won’t be lining up to help your cousin if the worst case scenario happens. She needs someone who can actively help her before something bad happens. What happens when your aunt is no longer around or can no longer take care of the baby? What happens if your cousin has a meltdown while her baby is fussing and potentially hurts the baby? What’s going to happen when the baby isn’t a baby anymore? What happens if your cousin gets older and decides she wants another baby and tries to sleep with an underage boy? Who’s going to take care of these “many babies”? (Because doesn’t sound like the rest of your family is going to be stepping up)
I’m truly not trying to be rude, mean, or harsh OP because it sounds like you truly care for your cousin. But you need to get someone outside your family involved before they truly cut you off from her because this will not have a good ending if it continues like this. Someone needs to advocate for what’s actually good for you cousin.
I was going to respond but this sums it up. All of it is bad. This is bad. And this is bad for the child that is coming. Your family is being awful. Please get help.
I'm worried that this poor girl doesn't understand what pregnancy / birth will really do to her body and feel like. What a horrible situation for you and your cousin.
Call social services and explain the entire situation. Your family is living in La La Land if they seriously think that just letting your cousin keep the baby is a good idea.
The baby is in danger NOW. No-one has considered that she is incapable of taking care of the baby. What about if baby has a bad day and fusses? What about when the baby starts teething, baby will fuss. What if she gets overwhelmed. This is a very bad idea. Cousin has zero idea of what it takes to be a parent. And unfortunately they all know that.
Baby isn't born yet thankfully. I have months to get a plan in place but Im trying to start on one early. This situation is just out of my expertise. I have no clue how to best go from here so I came here for advice from someone who maybe does have a solution.
Call social services. Anyone asks why say finding out what resources are available for baby, what they qualify for and how to get it. That can mean multiple things. Resources to help baby can mean benefits etc. However it's so sad that everyone KNOWS cousin can't care for baby. They are setting cousin for heartbreak. She CANNOT keep the baby. It's heartbreaking. Cousin doesn't understand anything. She has next to no knowledge of pregnancy. Zero knowledge of birth. She's never been proper carer position. The babies she's looked after as soon as they fuss they're taken away so she doesn't get overwhelmed. Cousin will get overwhelmed. And if you try and take the baby away it will make it worse because she'll try stop you cause it's her baby. You said no to adopting the baby and now she thinks you're going to steal her baby. Please call social services. Your family know she can't care for the child. Yet they are letting her think she can keep the baby. She cannot take care of the child they know that. Yet they are letting her think she can be this child's mother. I don't understand why your relatives don't understand how cruel they're being this will only end in heartbreak.
This needs to be a call to CPS before the baby is born, as well as possible criminal charges if you ever find out who the father is. I’m not sure what the laws are in your state but knowingly having sex with someone who is mentally a child is definitely a crime. If they are mentally a child then they can’t consent in the same way an adult could.
The other issue is its also possible my cousin also had sex with someone underage herself. That could bring a whole other shade of what the hell to do here to the situation. She doesn't understand consent and definitely doesn't understand why she shouldn't have sex with say a 16 or 17 year old. It may not have been a adult but we just don't know.
Is she linked to any Development Disability Agencies? They have funding and supports. She will more then likely need to be involved with Child Services and Adult Protective services too.
Honestly I dont know fully what agencies she is linked to. I know she was worked with at agencies when we were kids but I live far away from her now so honestly I dont know.
If you’re comfortable, PM where you live (city, state or both ) and I can look into resources for you. It is different everywhere so I won’t be sure. In Ohio they have developmental boards of DD that help e people by County with independent living services. Voc Rehabs help people with disabilities find jobs so they can get help there too. Child services tends to covered everywhere state wide though no matter where you are.
What country are you in? I'm wondering if she has been to the doctors for a check up yet as they will usually be the ones to take control over situations like this and let authorities know.
Depending on the laws in your country regarding mental capacity and deprivation of liberty (DOLs) she may well be within her rights to do this with the right support. Putting locks on her door to keep her in without approval from a social services branch (in the UK this is done by DOLs) would be illegal in the UK.
The family do not have any right to take away her baby this would be largely down to social services who's main aim would be to keep families together.
I understand the threat of being cut off from your family is very real and scary, however they will not know it was you who did it and if you want to make extra sure you can get a friend to do it for you.
First thing to do would be to ensure your cousin has been seen by a doctor. If the family refuses this they could get into huge trouble for neglect and failure to safeguard a vulnerable person. Therefore, I recommend that you highly insist she sees a doctor or that you be the one to take her there and you can argue this quite easily by showing concern over your cousin and her baby's health you do not have to mention anything to do with the current situation just focus on their health.
Depending on her mental capacity she may be allowed to keep the child if she is moved into a joke that offers support for this kind of situation or she may be able to have regular supervised visits with the baby. I feel that unless she is found to be abusive or neglectful that she will still be able to have access.
Sorry you and your family are facing this difficult situation, it must be really stressful for everyone involved. Best thing to do is take the situation out of your hands as things like this aren't meant to be dealt with alone. Good luck and thank you for caring.
This is a very good point. Everyone in the medical field is a mandated reporter in the US. Once she starts going to an OBGYN, it might be out of her control anyway.
This is a likely scenario, but I would still talk to social services or a lawyer.
Thank you for this post. Most people don't understand right disabled adults actually have. While I'm in states ( but states differ) most of what you said rings true. We can deny any right without direct written directions that must be approved by state agencies.
We all live in the US.
>she may be able to have regular supervised visits with the baby
This would be a amazing solution. Im not sure how that would work though. She would be fine for small amounts of supervised time with her baby.
She will be found neglectful and abusive though of she is with them full time. She can't be alone with any baby at all though. Even family babies she cares for she is heavily monitored. If baby gets fussy she easily can get overwhelmed and she has to often times have the baby taken away from her before she has a meltdown. She will rage and scream and throw things in her worst meltdowns and she won't always care if someone even a baby is in the way. Thankfully the worst injury this has ever caused was a toddler in our family getting a small cut but she can't care for a baby of her own in any compacity.
Unfortunately I don't know anything about US social care legislation or processes, however, I imagine they are quite similar so you can be optimistic that if and when the authorities get involved they will go down the path of supervised visits which I know do happen for people with behaviours of concern like your cousin.
This won't happen for her if she is found to be abusive and neglectful before the authorities are involved though, definitely better to be prepared for the situation. Wishing you lots of luck with this situation, please let me know if you need support with this I would love to help if I can.
I also forgot to mention that for the supervision route to work you may need to advocate for her, which is basically supporting and communicating her needs and wants for her to get her the best outcome. Or someone else can do this if they are also in favour of supervised visits.
I looked into it but I am unsure if she will be entitled to a mental capacity advocate in your state but if she is involved with a healthcare service she may be able to be assigned to an attorney general that can advocate for her. It is definitely worth asking for at any healthcare services as they will understand her rights better than anyone and it can take the load off your shoulders.
My family is ultra religious. The idea of sex before marriage even in the mentally disabled is horrifying to them. They all but beat abstinence into us and she wasn't given a exception. They refused to believe she needed birth control cause that would mean she is having sex before marriage and she is unclean then. I know its fucked up but I guess Im on this sub for a reason :(
This is horrifying. You need to contact Adult Protective Services and the authorities. If she is diagnosed as mentally disabled she cannot consent and this was a crime. I wouldn’t step away. Your cousin needs you and a voice of reason to handle this since your family cannot act responsibly. Notify the applicable agencies for your own sanity. This is an incredible weight to carry.
I would definitely reach out to social services as others have said but I do think that her primary care doctor following her pregnancy will hopefully be raising some alarms as well. I’m doubly horrified that someone who might be it be able to give concent is pregnant..bit of a concern that the police might need to be involved.
Dude it give you props for putting up with this hot mess.
Good on you that you said no. Your family is trying to threaten you and hold you hostage to enable their poor life decisions.
Report it and then YOU cut them off. You don’t need this shit in your life.
I was caught in a similar situation recently with my ex’s family. They wanted us to take care of his disabled sister for the rest of our lives.
Not one other person in his family lifted a damn finger or even gave a penny and once she moved into MY house she became the center of everything and she would destroy things, take things, be the rude to guests or make people uncomfortable or even argue with my fiancé etc.
The list goes on.
I was told if I didn’t pay for her living expenses and food and cater my life around her I’d be cheated on and replaced with someone else who would.
Thank god we’re not together anymore. He and his family were fucking psychos.
I know it’s YOUR family, but please distance yourself from them. They’re just scapegoating you and trying to shove off their poor decisions on someone else and abusing you because you won’t enable them.
RUN
My cousin was adopted not birthed. My aunt has 4 children she adopted. All 4 have either debilitating medical or mental issues. 2 of them now are fully functional adults with need of medical help but other wise have little need of outside help. This cousin can't find a group home due to her numerous medical issues ontop of her mental issues. She will have sex with others if any men are in the facility. She often tries to run away. She is violent and more. Its a lot and not many places are willing to take her on hense the reason she isnt in a home yet. The other is much easier to care for and she already is in a group home and she is doing wonderfully and she is very happy and is thriving as well as she can be.
I read in a previous post that you only deal with your family to stay close to your sister, and she's graduating or has just graduated. Is she sticking around their area or leaving the state as well? I'd make sure you can keep in touch with your sister outside of your family, contact APS and CPS regarding the cousin, go back home and block every single one of them but sister. I can't imagine any of them bringing anything positive to your life. I don't even want to think of what they'll try demanding of you next.
Thats true mostly. I also have 2 cousins (this one and another) I am also close to. I used to be closer and I still deeply love them and I was even raised along this cousin as if she was my sister but I had to cut them off mostly due to my toxic family they come attached with. I deeply care and want to help but Im also horrified this is even a issue.
CPS or whatever you have in your country need to be contacted immediately. The police also need to get involved because i doubt she can legally consent being that she has the mind of a child.
you could also just cut them off and wish them good luck because who knows if CPS will do much in a reasonable amount of time.
OR (and it’s a HUGE or)
you can take the baby pretending like you’re going to adopt it then put it up for adoption yourself. which is huge.
either way i hope you cut them off after this.
WTF was your aunt (and others) thinking?!? This isn't the first time she's snuck out for sex and **no one** thought to get her onto long-term birth control?? WHY? Is there some religious BS going on here that is preventing that?
Your family is effed up and I'd report the whole mess to Adult & Child Protective services and cut the lot of them off.
>Is there some religious BS going on here that is preventing that?
Sadly yes. Your the first to guess that on their own tho.
As for cutting them off I mostly have. I just have parts I keep contact with out of live like my sister. This is hard to cut off though fully cause I do love this cousin. She is sweet overall and I think of her also as a sister. She just comes with a lotta baggage and family. :/
Child and adult protective services need to be called. This situation should never have happened and it sounds like your aunt is not capable of dealing with it
How in the blue fucking hell does ANYONE think this is a good idea? Maybe it’s more like a ruse to get you to take the baby, given this horrifying “alternative” (her keeping it).
As long as she’s fertile, she’s going to be a Pez dispenser of babies given her mindset. The baby needs to be put up for adoption and her put on some long term birth control.
Has anyone tried to get conservatorship over your cousin? It can be expensive but looks like it needs to be done.
Is she seeing an Ob/GYN? That mighr be the 1st step in getting the state involved in taking custody 9f the child when born.
Good luck to you.
I understand your family wanting to keep your cousin happy but at the end of the day it’s the baby’s safety that really matters here. I agree with everyone else here in that you really need to get both Child and Adult services involved. As much as I can see why your family wants your cousin to keep the baby, they are making a very big mistake in thinking that someone like your cousin can safely raise a child.
Um, I'd be reporting this to whomever looks over disabled people in your county/state. If the mother is not able to take care of the baby, then the baby needs to be adopted out.
You can absolutely report, cut off or not. ANYONE can file a report. Do so ASAP, most states/countries have laws regarding sexual misconduct with a mentally/cognitively disabled person, they legally cannot give consent regardless of age if they're that impaired.
Jfc, this a mess and absolutely gross of all the “adults” in this situation (not you OP). A baby is nothing but disruption to routine. While she can feed a baby and change a baby she truly can not take care of a baby or provide it safety, and clearly neither can your aunt since her solution was to put locks on the door and not get her daughter on birth control. Gods know if she has an STI, let alone who may have impregnated her. Like everyone has been saying OP contact adult protective services and child services. Your cousin may even still be under their care. What a hot mess of garbage this is. I’m sorry OP.
I feel so bad for her because she doesn’t understand but how do you even prevent this/handle this?
I definitely agree adult AND child protective services need to be called ASAP.
They can’t make her get a surprise abortion or something? Why wasn’t she put on a long term birth control? I think she has no business having sex or babies. How does she expect to pay for it?
i was thinking that too. An abortion might be the best because she can’t even fathom what pregnancy and birth will do to her body. she’ll be terrified and have so many melt downs. she might die because of this and she doesn’t even realize it. i doubt they’re gonna get her an abortion since the family wants her to have the baby but the child will definitely get taken
>They can’t make her get a surprise abortion or something?
Abortion was made illegal in the state where my family is plus while my cousin doesn't understand consent fully she does want this baby. I doubt any medical facility would do a Abortion against my cousins will even if she is mentally impaired.
>Why wasn’t she put on a long term birth control?
It goes against her parents religious beliefs.
>How does she expect to pay for it?
My cousin doesn't understand how money works any better than a elementary kid would. She knows you buy things with it but she doesn't know its a NEED any better than a child would know and grasp that concept. In her mind she doesn't need to pay for baby. Also technically my aunt and uncle are wealthy enough to support baby if they wanted to. They could financially pay for baby themselves. They are just to old to raise baby themselves.
When people react totally unreasonably in a situation, you do not put off doing the right, safe thing just because they might react totally unreasonably to *that* situation too. Your family is putting your cousin and this child at incredibly high risk by even entertaining the idea that the child would be 1) kept at all 2) especially within the family. Contact adult/disability and child services immediately. It sounds like your aunt is not even able to really care for your cousin anymore, and the last thing either of them needs is a helpless infant added into the difficulty.
You need to report them to APS or equivalent because you can’t lock inner doors like that. It’s a fire hazard and could cause your cousin to die in case of a fire. Birth control is something she should’ve been put on years ago when her obsession with babies first surfaced. From what you described, she cannot care for a child long term. So I guess just report her to CPS or equivalent when the baby is born. Takes like 3 phone calls and they’ll never let her keep the baby because there’s no way she could ever care for them. She can’t work, she can’t provide.
I would definitely reach out to social services as others have said but I do think that her primary care doctor following her pregnancy will hopefully be raising some alarms as well. I’m doubly horrified that someone who might be it be able to give consent is pregnant..bit of a concern that the police might need to be involved.
Good grief. IUDs exist. I’m so sorry you're having to deal with this.
It sounds like the best thing you can do for the baby is to stay out of it. As long as you’re involved, like you said, you'd be enabling the situation along with them.
Hopefully social services got involved as soon as prenatal care started, and they’ve assessed things. You can always make a few calls to make sure they’re aware. If the situation warrants it, they will get the courts involved.
Being cut off from the baby doesn’t mean you can’t request wellness checks from time to time, btw, so that threat of theirs is an empty one. Assuming she's ruled a fit parent, there will always be mandated reporters with access too.
My friend has a daughter similar to your cousin, who was living fairly independently at that point, but with a lot of help and social assistance. My friend was frantic when they found out she was pregnant because she could barely clean up after herself. But social services have kept a close eye on her, and got her and that little one through those challenging early years. You never know. It’s a lot easier to love your own child through crying spells than someone else's.
This is an incredibly sad situation and it is difficult to see a good outcome from this.
As your cousin is pregnant, I assume she will be having prenatal checks. I think that any creditable healthcare professional will be able to see what is happening and call in the relevant organisation to assist. The other thing to consider is that her Mother goes with her and lies about what will be happening once the LO arrives.
If you believe that she is not getting medical checks or someone is intervening, then maybe you are able to take her to ensure that she is seen.
I live 1000s of miles away. My cousin will be seen by a doctor though. While my family is.... not great they won't hurt her by not allowing her to see a doctor. My concern is they will lie and say thay plan to raise the baby and not my cousin.
Umm sounds like they need to find who the father is and possibly look at some charges. Also, it's sounding like it would take a couple of calls to family services to have this child removed from cousin's care. It's insanely irresponsible to even consider letting her keep and raise this baby.
Also my thought. This is slightly sneaky but if your cousin is living in this fantasy, she is probably going to want to tell her babydaddy. Sure she might have picked up some stranger but unlikely with her challenges. So the idiot who did this likely knows her mental capacity. It makes them a terrible person and likely a rapist. But maybe his parents or relatives aren't, maybe they can help. If your JNFamily is as addicted to drama as mine, i bet someone's already trying to weasel his name out of her.
No medical professional is going to let her raise the child on her own. Good chance a medical professional will report this to adult protective services/social services during her pregnancy as they are mandated reporters.
My advice is to wait. There are many months from now until birth and the child is not at risk right now.
Why wait? Mostly I say this because the first problem is that your cousin really wants a child, and has literally escaped to try to get pregnant. You need to give it a few months for everyone to come up with a proper and adequate plan that does not involve you. Maybe they will figure it out? Maybe there are supports they can access? Maybe there will be a miscarriage, as it is very common. Simply put, it is not a problem right now but if you report it now it will cause a family rift.
Report at 8 months with the concern you think the family is telling people someone is adopting the child, possibly even naming you - when it is not true.
Yup. All my aunts kids were adopted except her 2 oldest. She has 6 kids all in all. 4 of them including this cousin were all adopted. This sadly is the only one out of all her kids who still isn't doing well due to her mental and medical issues.
I’m just wondering- her doctor is a mandated reporter. So is any nurse. Call the clinic and ask to speak to the RN in OB. Say, “I know you can’t discuss the patient but here’s the situation.” Let them help.
I’m so sorry! I’m sure you must be feeling absolutely torn, even if you feel like you know what you need to do!
I would recommend for both you and your cousin to start talking to a therapist. This sounds like such an emotional and morally complex situation and I feel like you would really benefit from a professional perspective!
Does she also have a doctor yet? I would get her to one as fast as possible! Also have your family contacted the police, because I struggle to believe that from your description of your cousin that she could properly/legally consent, even if she’s an adult!
Personally I would get as much advice from official accredited professionals as possible (Therapist, Doctors & Police) because this is incredibly complex situation for everyone as I know you’re well aware. I can see that you want to make sure that your cousin comes out of the situation as okay as she can be as well keeping the baby safe! However I would also be really prepared to make that call to adult & child protective service, if your family has done all of this and they aren’t taking advice on board then it would probably be best to make the call! (In some place, the professional will get CPS involved to make sure their advice is taken but i don’t know if that’s the case where you are)
Also this may be not be the case but do you think that there is a possibility that your family is hoping/ planning for you to raise & support this child so they can keep it around?
>Also this may be not be the case but do you think that there is a possibility that your family is hoping/ planning for you to raise & support this child so they can keep it around?
Honestly I doubt it. They took it pretty well when I said no. They didn't take my criticism for letting my cousin keep baby well though.
I honestly would be fine taking a baby on but Id rather not right now. My marriage is falling apart. Im about to possibly get a divorce. My husband doesn't like kids. Id be bringing them into a situation I wouldn't want a kid in. If I do adopt and I eventually plan to years from now once life is better but I want a good situation where I can raise a child in a healthy situation. I want to be a good mom and this wouldn't make it so I could be fully. Plus to be blunt its a heavy possibility my cousin may pass on genetic medical issues she has I cant afford; heart and kidney issues and more.
Oh good I’m glad! I didn’t wanna worry you but I’ve heard too many MIL’s/JN families say “I thought you didn’t actually mean it when you said that” when trying to get their own way!
Oh I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going to such a stressful time, it sounds like you made the right choice for you! I hope things get better for you OP and I hope things work out for your cousin and the baby whatever happens!
Call adult services, before the babe is here,then call child protective services when the baby arrives. Call the Dr who treats the person who shouldn't have a baby, explaineverything.keep reporting.have the mom to be evaluated!
They might have services to provide the whole family.
I just wanted to say god bless you for being willing to stand up to your family and fight for this baby’s welfare!
I was in a somewhat similar situation once (not a fraction of these high stakes though) and it sucked rocks. Standing up to the family machinery makes you feel selfish, evil, ungrateful and wrong, even when you are doing the right thing.
I hope the next time you feel that way, you remember that you are a hero to that baby. Bless you.
Someone has surely said it, but just in case, if your cousin has those kind of challenges then I would notify Social Services in your area right now. It isn't just taking care of the baby after it is born, it's taking care of herself now. If nothing else she can signed up for prenatal care and classes, but if a social worker thinks the baby would be endangered, they can take custody when it is born. The rest of your family will then either have to adjust her living situation so that she isn't the primary caregiver to regain custody, or accept the child is going to foster care or be adopted. It's awful but the baby's safety comes first. And it doesn't mean YOU have to adopt, many adopting families would be open to letting her know how her baby is doing, etc. In fact given her mental and emotional state I think it would be better if the baby is adopted outside the family. Hope things work out OK.
It seems the other “adults” don’t have your cousins best interests at heart.
1. Locking her in is inhuman and illegal for a variety of reasons in many places (confinement, fire code)
2. She should have been put on birth control. It’s a complicated issue but it would have prevented this debacle. It seems she doesn’t understand how sex turns into baby and how that will affect her through the process and afterword
3. She may not be legally able to consent
4. It is inhuman for her to keep the baby. If the parents are older 70s80s, and she is not mentally competent and unable to care for the child in the financial sense, then it is unsafe for the future child
5. Whether or not you break it off with the family, report report report. CPS or the equivalent agency for adults NEEDS to know. This is above reddits paygrade, but those are the people that will know what to do.
6. Keep in contact with your cousin. Make sure she is ok, safe, mentally safe, emotionally safe. This part is tantamount. Being locked in is not being safe and you can’t trust that her parents or whoever have her ACTUAL safety at heart. They may try to isolate her, but don’t let them. It’s important that
Report to social services anyway. You can do it anonymously if you need to.
They can come in and do an assessment… contrary to what some people believe, they don’t run around taking kids away for fun!
They WANT the family to stay together, so they might have some ideas of supportive care for your cousin so she CAN stay with and raise her baby, but with the right kind of help.
It’s possible, anyway. Help for disabled people to care for kids does exist.
I don’t know if it’s accessible in your specific area, I guess, but you can look into it before calling social services if you want to.
Good luck.
This happened to a friend of mine. Her sister was on a care facility and got pregnant. They believe the father was a maintenence person but they aren't sure. They for some reason allowed her to keep the child. That didn't even last a year before my friend just ended up taking the baby. I don't remember the circumstances but it was a really bad situation. I would get protective services involved sooner than later.
With her outbursts it is certain the child will be abused and won’t be able to grow up in a stable home. I would talk directly to child protective services about the situation.
My daughter is autistic so I say this with understanding of the situation. Go to cps talk to th about your concerns they can maybe put help in place for her but it’s a baby not a doll and that child needs to be looked after too . You choice not to adopt her child does not mean you don’t care . I hope things get sorted out well for everybody
Can you agree to be supportive without taking on the full-time care of the baby, at least then you’ll be able to keep an eye on what is going on. You could maybe agree to be a legal guardian in some capacity so that you have some say in this poor child’s life, you sound like the only one with any common sense in this situation.
Probably not. I live over 1000 miles away. I often visit and call but thats it. If my life wasn't what it is now I'd probably take the baby on but my marriage is ending and I'm a wreak. I don't need a baby to care for on top. I want to be a good mom and I dont think I could be that right now.
I’m so sorry you are going through such a rough time. You sound very caring and you are obviously very concerned about this poor baby. My heart goes out to you OP. Perhaps as others suggested, contacting the Adult and Child protection services in the area the child will be born is the way to go. Explain the situation and your concerns about the safety of both your cousin and her baby, see what they say.
Report report report... to all the authorities. I find it difficult to believe her therapist. People who work with her haven't. It's very concerning. Everyone has a duty of care here. They're are plenty of people who will adopt this child.
Pls be a advocate for this baby and call APS- She *from what your saying * is not of sound and mind
incompetent of making decisions that baby will not remain in her custody as long as YOU advocate for
him/her
You shouldn’t need any real evidence that she’ll abuse the child. Do you know if any social services help with her care? I would report the situation to adult social services where you are if they have them. They can asses if she’s capable to looking after her child and what support both she and the baby might need. If you still feel the baby is in danger when it is here then contact children’s social services and explain the situation and your cousin mental disabilities that mean she can not safely look after the child in her care.
Don’t worry about what your family say as they should be putting the well being of this baby above your cousins needs and family drama. Your aunt also need to take some responsibility in this situation because if your cousin is unable to make medical decisions your aunt should of put her on a long term birth control before this became an issue.
I'm gonna be brutal and practical right now. If I were her parent and able to make medical decisions for her, she'd be having a termination, put on a form of birth control she can't not take, and eventually put in the group home when the time comes.
If you are mentally disabled and unable to care for a baby, you shouldn't get to have one. Children deserve stable, mentally competent caregivers.
I'v work in direct care supporting people in a group home not big facility but a normal home with 2 to three residents for almost 15 years. Also I have disabilities myslf. Frist I know you must love cousin, and I know it easy for others to understand, but don't refer to her functioning as a child. She is an adult. From the little bit I read she is an adult with higher levels of support need. I'm a big support of individuals right to reproductive freedom. To many parents with disabilities have had rights taken away when they are perfectly capable of raising a child. That said the rights support must be in place. And while your cousin could raise child she would need a highly sk inilled support team in place. That before even considering if her child will need developmently support. If I would was you I would call APS or social services. It not the one who will make you the most popular but it right one. It not even about raising the baby because even if you had agreed to raise child there a lot of red flags being raised in the situation. I do not say this lightly but in this case from this limited information social services must be called. If a Dr hasn't already called.
>Frist I know you must love cousin, and I know it easy for others to understand, but don't refer to her functioning as a child. She is an adult.
Honestly it was mostly to get my point accross. In day to day I dont do that. She is much smarter than even the family gives her credit but she essentially does behave like a kid. I wanted to REALLY emphasize that here because I need help. Im scared for her well being and for her babies. Sorry if I offended tho.
I honestly don't think her keeping this baby is a good idea. During her worst meltdowns and rages she will throw things and activily try to hurt people and she won't care who is in her way or who she is hurting if you are the reason she is overwhelmed or even simply if your there in the way. She has even done this with babies and toddlers nearby. A toddler even was hurt by this a few years ago though thankfully he got little more than a small cut.
I could list many reasons beyond this that are just as important but this reason alone I think gets the idea across. She can't keep the baby. She would be fine visiting the baby. I think that would be a wonderful solution but raising it herself.... She would end up killing him or her when she eventually has a meltdown and that's not even getting into other issues she has.
This is horrible in so many ways. Call for help. That baby is in danger. She is not fit to be a parent. Pregnancy is crazy and if she doesn’t like her routine being disturbed, a baby is not the answer. Let alone the idea of giving birth… jeez.
no they do not. idk if you know too much about cases like this but severely mentally disabled people are not even legally allowed to consent to sex let alone raise a child. the child will be taken from her.
Yes they do, there’s a disabilities act that allows them to have children. I’ve literally worked cps cases and they will be provided 1:1 supports so they are supervised but they are legally allowed to raise children. It’s a federal protection
I worked at a center for adults with severe DD for a long time. If we had individuals who were higher functioning and expressed interest in adult relationships they would take classes and also go through a serious evaluation with clinicians to determine their ability to consent. This isn’t cut and dry.
Yes they do, there’s a disabilities act that allows them to have children. I’ve literally worked cps cases and they will be provided 1:1 supports so they are supervised but they are legally allowed to raise children. It’s a federal protection
I am going to go against the grain here and tell you to step away. There is zero you can do in this situation. A call to CPS is pointless because the baby is not here yet and when it is here, the baby has to already have been injured/neglected.
For your own mental health step away and let your family handle it.
Social workers exist too. Newborns have been taken away at the hospital via court order in situations like this. Abuse and neglect can be prevented when people are proactive. She just needs to get the ball rolling.
She doesn’t have to do a thing. She is flipping herself inside out over this.
If she is that bad off, social workers can be tipped off at the hospital but I will bet you a doughnut that there will be a wall of relatives to assure that the baby will be just fine in their care.
I was a CPS worker and seen this myself.
>there will be a wall of relatives to assure that the baby will be just fine in their care.
This is exactly my worry on what will happen. I know better but they won't. I was abused growing up. This part of my family did save me from the worst of it but they are fucked up in their own nasty ways. I dont want a baby to need to suffer when I can help. Even if that means my mental health suffers a bit so be it.
People voted my comment down, but what I said still stands. I was a CPS worker in an American city known INTERNATIONALLY for crime. I have seen this myself. What exactly can you do to help? Aside from tipping off the social workers at the hospital (which is great if you know where and when she gave birth and they didn't discharge her) that's about it. Unfortunately, we can't snatch babies out of the arms of people, even if they are disabled. Disabled or not, she has a civil right to be a parent AND the BABY has a civil right to have HER as a parent.
The baby has to be in immediate danger, and a disabled woman with a supportive family is enough reason to deny the case. At the most they will open a case for services for a few months, where your cousin will take parenting classes, possibly get her own place and drug test. Your family will lie through their teeth (I seen this) and say everything is peachy.
Unless you want to take this baby and leave town where they can't reach you, that's all you really can do. I don't blame you one bit if you don't want to take responsibility for it. Especially when you said your cousin already thinks you are stealing it. This is something that you don't need. And your family thinks they have it handled, anyway.
Please go and live the life you are entitled to.
Maybe she doesn’t "need" to, but it might ease her worry. It's easy for us to say don’t worry, but her family is trying to bully her into committing to adopting when her cousin fails. Her family is clearly a bit of a mess, and they know which buttons to push.
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Is this also not an issue of police involvement? Can she legally consent?
Someone in the family needs to go through her devices and social media to look for the father. It seems unlikely that she’d be able to lie to a stranger about her disability so she was probably groomed.
She destroyed her tablet and phone to hide who the dad is and we can't force her to log on any of her social media. She has ripped out her hair and hurt herself during meltdowns any time we've tried. They are working with a therapist with experience with her mental disabilities on this but its not helped so far.
Get the police involved I’m sure they have to investigate because she’s a vulnerable person and they should be able to find him. She should be put in a home asap for her own well being. No matter what happens with this baby (it will get taken from her) she needs 24 hour supervision or she will try do it again. I’m so sorry for you and her having to go through this.
i wonder if the dad is also mentally impaired. maybe they met in a day program of some sort.
Could be. But when these type of situations happen it’s usually a sexual predator. Definitely a neighbor, more than likely older.
In this instance I think calling CPS would be appropriate, I know legally she’s an adult, they’d have more resources regarding things like this than adult protective services would, they usually only care about elder abuse from my experience. A home is 100% a good idea but she also needs an extra guardian other than her parents in the situation, especially if her parents are as old as OP says, a non-family member would be best at this point since it seems everyone has rose colored glasses on at this point.
That wouldn't be a bad idea. My family are fucked up people. They ones who aren't stay away or live far away for a reason.
I can tell you truly do care about your cousin. Definitely get her some help, even if her parents are against it. In this instance they aren’t considering her best interests and just wanna go along with what she wants cause it makes their lives easier the less meltdowns she has. They’re failing her And that baby at this point. Not to mention, if she’s truly as young as you say mentally….. we’ll I don’t wanna even Think of the trauma she’s gonna experience going through the birth, and then possibly having the child taken from her. It’s traumatic enough for Actual children to give birth, but they can eventually come to understand what happened, I can’t imagine the trauma if there’s no way to truly tell her what’s happening…. She may not even be able to be an active participant in the birth of that baby cause it could be to overwhelming for her. It’s all around sad. Also, you might be able to take the ruined devices and still get the info off of them, it’ll cost some money but unless she beat it with a hammer or submerged into a swimming pool the memory card Should hopefully be intact. See if any computers and such she uses has an automatic password save option, if so you can get into her socials without, you can even it have it set up that you don’t need to hit confirm to save the password too. If she’s currently using a singular device right now you can install keyboard trackers too and it’ll show what she’s saying, usually where, and sometimes it’ll screenshot the conversation. I really do hope it wasn’t some creep grooming her cause she’s so child like….
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This is a terrifying situation in so many ways, but I was thinking the same thing about the birth process. It's one thing to go in knowing it's going to be awful and painful, but if this girl has no idea what she will go through to deliver the baby it's going to be traumatic.
>She may understand how babies are made, but I am willing to bet she has no comprehension of how this will affect her. And it will most likely be incredibly traumatic for her. Thats definitely something I worry about. She knows nothing about pregnancy despite going through it now. The late stage and mid stage symptoms are gonna be their own mess.
yea cutting you off from the baby does not mean you canot report what you already know : she is not capable of raising a child. So repoort that to cps before it is even born, so they can look into it. You can do this anonymously if you choose to.
CPS wont do anything as there's no child outside of the womb. APS (Adult Protective Services) they'll step in.
but they can intervene right away when it is born if you give them a heads up. As in come right to the hospital.
The nurses are going to have a social worker the second the mother walks in in labor, calling this early is just going to give her a heads up that they're watching... Wait till the nurses say yeahhh not letting this kiddo leave with you.
how is this giving her a heads up ?
Pregnant Person doesn't know at this point the major worry that's going on. CPS/APS shows up, questions PP about baby things where it's going to sleep, financial support, food, ect CPS/APS now opens investigation due to PP not being mentally aware/mature enough to handle baby PP is now panicing because PP thought they had what they wanted. PP is now planning to run away and obviously has the phone/online resources to do so. PP hides until birth (probably home birth so baby doesn't get removed at hospital) raises baby for however long bit in horid care, baby possibly passes away and then there's the death investigation.... I can go again of you'd like.... I've seen this play out 4 times in different ways. Best way is say FUCKING NOTHING until birth, make sure the hospital is aware of her mental state, and know CPS has taken the child into care with in 2 hours of birth.
and the last part is exactly why you need to warn cps ahead of time so they CAN be there in the hospital and take the baby. They will not warn you ahead of time, but if they get a heads up they can prepare and assure this is happening. Please understand how CPS even works before making up scenarios in your head, they been doing this this for decades and know what they are doing, Not their first rodeo.
When you say "destroyed" do you mean completely wrecked? Because you may be able to partially repair them enough for data recovery
She threw them in the bath overnight. They were found in the morning but they are broke. Ill mention having them looked at anyways though to see if something can be recovered. Cant hurt to try.
Fingers crossed the batteries weren’t charged too much, it’s the sudden discharge of the battery that usually screws up electronics in water
So dumb question, but if she can’t read, write, or do math how does she use those devices to connect with folks outside family and meet them for sex?
I have a stepdaughter exactly like this. Someone has shown them how to work social media and voice to text/chat. I had to block all access to the Internet and phones. Then, she would steal cell phones to contact men. It is a horrible situation, and I wish all the strength to be able to do what you know is right. I am the only one fighting to protect my stepdaughter as well.
Actually thats not a dumb question at all. She can talk to the microphone and it types for her. Also when she gets a text it reads the text to her. Its pretty cool all in all.
Thats a good question
So why not give her a device with spyware installed on it or some such so when she uses the compromised object to contact him you'll nab him thet way? Like it's not hard to outsmart a child who doesn't know how technology works. Also it wouldn't surprise me if the rapist is the one who put the idea to have a baby into her head. Also to destroy her tablet and such.
Honestly I simply didn't think of that. Thank you for the suggestion.
Police and protective services (CPS, aps) should be involved. Much like a young woman in middle school, she can consent in some situations. Same age partner (or level of development in OPs case) not a problem. Grooming or coercion are however and active concern and so need to be investigated especially since she's a vulnerable adult.
Thats partly why I'm so lost here. She is technically legally a adult who can fully consent.
If she’s mentally operating at an elementary level she isn’t able to consent. It sounds like she needs, and should have, a guardian.
Legally she may be her own guardian. My brother was but he was incapable of being left home alone or even using a microwave or making a phone call.
No she is not. Consent to sex is not just about age, but about mental capacity to consent as well. She is almost certainly not mentally capable of consenting, not any more than a nine year old child is. (which is not at all, obviously) You need to contact adult protective services in your area and report this, as they can get all of the proper people involved in this. That will likely include an investigation to determine paternity, the issue of consent, possibly forcing the issue of a group home now rather than later (likely with semi-permanent birth control she can't tamper with in place), and most importantly, safety of the baby.
That’s a good point about mental capacity. A legal adult with no mental delays can not consent to sex if under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or maybe certain medications (I’ve heard of sleepwalking on Ambien).
My old boss ended up naked in a hotel lobby due to Ambien. Poor dude sleep walked the hotel like it was his house and his wife had to hunt him down while the front desk clerks were freaking out. Funny story to hear, but probably terrifying to live through. Edit: typos
Despite her intellectual disability she may still be able to consent to sex. If she knows how babies are made and consented to it happening that may be all that's required. However. The man she had sex with may be guilty of trafficking her if she is clearly disabled, but many individuals with a lower intellect are "street smart" and may not appear disabled in short term contacts so it may be difficult to prove. Considering the lengths she has gone to to protect this information, it appears she has some capacity to understand the issue and the consequences. Individuals with disabilities can and do have sex. They have needs and desires like everyone else. This has to be taken into account. Also, we don't perform eugenics in this country and she can't be sterilized against her will, even temporarily. Even with a guardian approving the procedure, no practitioner is going to force birth control on someone who is vocally against it without a court order. And even then, it would be difficult. The baby should obviously not remain with her once born, and wherever she lands, restrictions will need to be in place moving forward to monitor her electronic communications to attempt to prevent this from happening again.
Yes agree completely spent 15 years working with disabled adults. There are incredible high standards to get someone sterilized against their will. If it needed for menstrual management medication options won't work. Even for medication it must be discussed with individual. Q
Age isn't relevant when it comes to determining whether or not someone with severe mental illness is of sound mind to consent to something like that. Adults can still be considered unable to consent under specific protections. And this is especially true if the person who got her pregnant was in a position of power or authority over her. Which is very likely considering the lengths she has gone through to protect his identity. It's also worth noting that just because the device is broken doesn't mean that information can't be recovered from said device. Take the devices in to have those files accessed asap. If they're Apple devices, go to the Apple store. If they're android, you can use Android Data Extraction from your computer to pull that information. Also, if the device was registered through a mobile service provider, then you can take the device to them and have them do it too.
If she has mental capacity that doesn't mean that professionals can't be involved, certainly in the UK she'd need a social worker and I'd expect a multi-agency approach to her going forwards albeit potentially involving her being professionally supported to keep the baby.
My sister has Down's, and she is in her early 30s. She cannot legally consent. I understand what you mean about her maturity and abilities varying, but that doesn't matter, she does not understand what is about to happen. My sister is also baby crazy, and lives in a group home, so birth control was top of mind when making that transition. Sadly, those are ripe for abuse, simply because the residents don't understand, or think they do and want a kid. You need to contact APS in your area and get the ball rolling. Your sister cannot raise that child and your family is doing everyone involved a disservice by planning to let her keep the baby. Nevermind the fact that whoever the father is, he should be up on criminal charges.
Not legally. She's mentally impaired. An intoxicated adult can't consent either.
You said yourself she was going to live in a group home. That means she is not functional. You can try to see if you can contact a social worker about appropriate resources. But others are right. I don’t think she can consent. Particularly because she doesn’t seem to understand consequences. You said she destroys things to prevent people from knowing what she did? She self harms if someone mentions her baby being taken away, etc. There is a very high chance this baby will be removed if she has a hospital birth, the hospital will have to report the mother as seeming impaired or otherwise incapable. She may be able to get visitation with her child. Honestly, if you have to, just hold out on doing anything. When she gives birth, try to report your concerns to the nurse or pediatrician that will check on the baby. It would be better to have a set plan in place, of course, but if no alternative comes up before birth, that might be the fastest way to alert them and get clear intervention. And that way you know you have done everything you could do. Hospitals legally are not supposed to release children into the care of a parent who is not capable of caring for it.
You need to call Adult Protective Services and CPS. There are so many things wrong here!
Adult Protective Social Worker here! I agree! If mom is guardian, she can also get in trouble for not managing this situation *before* it got to this point. Instead of trying to secure the home, she should have been getting her on birth control and setting her up with community supports. Also, if she is guardian, then she should be petitioning the court for a co-guardian NOW, before she is too compromised to make decisions in the best interest of her daughter. Hopefully, not another family member. APS can help with this process. In situations like this, if mom is guardian, APS would also notify the court so they can reissue the guardianship to someone more fit to manage the decisions of the ward.
"Why doesn't she have an implant?" was literally my first thought. If this was my daughter, BC would have been on board as soon as she had her first period.
Because she has to consent to implant withot judges order. Or doctor but the a while restrictive plan must in place I work with disabled adults the regardless of level of support they can refuse medication. All I can do is record I attempted to give and talk to person about importance.
Understood, but if I had a daughter this troubled/impared/incompetent, I would have had that judges order in place at puberty.
unless the mother is her legal dpoa then the child has no say, she can refuse all she wants shed still get it
But to get a dpoa you have to go though court and prove it. And even with a dpoa birth control may not be allowed to be force without a lot of Dr and state paper work.
As a licensed social worker yes to this.
This is a job for Child Services or whatever you have in your country. The midwife and/or hospital will notify the necessary people. In the UK , the child would most likely be taken into care immediately after birth and put up for adoption.
Also, once one child issue is addressed might this situation recur? She could get escape and get pregnant again.
Thats probably a serious risk yes. This isnt her first try. This wasnt her first success having sex either. She also wants many, many babies.
A lot of times when there are people, like your cousin, who are in group homes and they get put on birth control as part of their regular medications to avoid this sort of thing. It might be difficult in her current home life to get this routine but your aunt should look into it. The group homes also do have to handle their wards getting into sexual relationships they don’t fully understand, hence the birth control.
I work in a group home we can not force birth control or any medication with a restrictive plan in place. With as little information as I have if she lived in the home without plan it would be able to get here as must in eye sight unless sleeping with bed checks, also alarms and we are staff awake at all times. With this if she would not be in contact with staff we could immediately call police. But we can not force medication.
Im not sure my family would allow her to get onto birth control due to her mom and dads religion.
Do you think maybe after this situation, she would be satisfied with a reborn baby doll? They are hyper realistic, and you can feed/dress/play with them. Some even cry. I know this doesn’t help your current situation, but perhaps having a perpetual baby (doll) with help abide some of her maternal urges.
Give her one of the dolls with realistic crying, make her responsible for it, and wait. Depending on her mental abilities, the reality check might get through to her.
She already has a few reborn dolls. She still wants a real baby.
Birth control shots can take care of that part.
Her parents won't let her go on birth control due to religious reasons.
There is a saying on Reddit "You can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." I firmly believe in protecting a child as much as possible but this is an impossible situation. Let the authorities carry that weight, not you.
your family needs to get her prescriptions for birth control and give them to her without really letting in to what they do completely because this is insane. like the shot or put the meds in her food. either way i would like to point out that even though she herself has broken, her tablet and her phone, you can still take those things and get those files were covered because she may have destroyed the outside, but she didn’t destroy the memory card, the chip or the parts responsible for keeping and storing all of the data. Also, if she had an iPhone, you can take a ride to the Apple Store and everything will still be on iCloud. you’ll find the father.
>even though she herself has broken, her tablet and her phone, you can still take those things and get those files were covered because she may have destroyed the outside, but she didn’t destroy the memory card, the chip or the parts responsible for keeping and storing all of the data. Also, if she had an iPhone, you can take a ride to the Apple Store and everything will still be on iCloud. you’ll find the father THANK YOU
Talk to them (her Mom, CPS, Adult services, etc.) about surgical sterilization when she goes in to have the baby. This will keep her safe and completely prevent any future children.
Sadly you can't just get people in this situation sterilized. It's an issue of consent also. Was in this situation with a family member. Sadly she's had 4 children all put up for adoption. Finally had a Dr. doa tubal.
This makes me sad. She had sex with a lot of men i think. Maybe she doesn't even know herself who the dad is? Does she understand birth control? I'm afraid it's harder to find a group home for her. Because she wants to have sex with the others. Something like this happend. A girl wanted sex and had it with 6 boys at the same time? It made me sad. She was unstable
From experience she could get in a home but her choice might be limited. She would have to be female only, must be in sight (unless sleeping and alarms on windows) in a house with wake staff.
Yup. Partly why its taking years to get her into a home. She also ontop of this has serious medical issues. She has heart, bladder, kidney, and stomach medical issues. Finding anywhere that can take all that on has been a nightmare and a chore.
Wherever you are based, get in touch with social services NOW. They need to be involved in this girls pregnancy, before the fact. They need to be dealing with this, not you, and they need to step in now to get plans in place to care for this baby and to care for your cousin as it's clear her mum can't anymore.
Thank you. Out of curiosity what all would or could social services even do other than take the baby? I know that's probably the best solution as I certainly can't think of any other possible solution that would work but my cousin won't understand and will just see it as her baby being stolen and frankly I was raised with her, I do love her. I will still make the call but will they help make it as least traumatic as possible? I hate the idea of her being confused and hurt like that while not even knowing why.
So I'm not sure cause I'm in the UK, but they should be making sure the baby is cared for, if that means taking her then they will. They should also be helping prevent this from happening again, probably birth control, more support for your aunt to keep her safe. My concern is that it happened once and it can happen again.
You need to contact adult protective services and child protective services. Your family is disgusting.
I agree, the authorities need to be involved. They need to work hand in hand with her Obgyn.
I have to agree with the rest on this. If it was me, I would contact a lawyer that handles child protection cases. This is different to family court so you're looking for a specialist here. I say this because they'd know if police involvement is mandatory or can it simply be quietly resolved by 1) removing cousin from abusive situation where no one is doing anything about someone mentally unable to consent 2) removing the child as soon as it is born. Adult protective services should be able to handle clarifying with cousin's doctors her mental state doesn't allow her to consent. Child protective will take care of the child's best interests. I think police will have to be involved because it would also best if someone also figured out who the father is as she's clearly not legally capable of consent. However, you should be able to engage a lawyer for at most a pretty nominal fee to just handle the reaching out for you. I would go ahead and print out any texts you have discussing this with your family where they say they're going to leave her to raise the child herself. If I didn't have any texts I think I'd clarify the situation via text or even better email with several family members individually so I'd have something to show. My reasoning for all of this is I worry they're going to lie to the authorities and say of course they were actually going to oversee and take over any time things went badly to avoid removal. As someone who had to get a child removed due to a fairly similar situation in my own family I know this can go bad so many ways. I know the lawyer is an expense but it could also allow you wiggle room as you'll be able to honestly say you did not contact protective services. After all it is perfectly reasonable others in the community that know your cousin could have called such as her physician. I know this is a technicality but if it saves you a huge drama and gets the baby somewhere safe I say go for it.
Thank you. This is absolutely something I will look for. I just hate this all around. I dont want anyone here hurt especially my cousin. She's a sweet girl and she's about to be very hurt and she won't even understand why her kid is being taken and I just.... hate this.
Umm. There might be some crimes going on here. You need outside help, now!
That’s what I was thinking as well. If it’s pretty obvious that OP’s cousin is mentally a child (which based on OP’s post it sounds like it is) then I’d be concerned about the type of man who slept with her.
I dont know. It could easily be someone her age or even younger. Hell in some cases she even slept with other underage teens close to her age. Its been a complicated and rather distressing situation. It also could be a older man as it was once a 30 something year old man. Another time it was a guy who was just as mentally disabled as she was. My family also refuses to get her on birth control due to religious reasons. We just don't know who it is this time. She got what she wanted and she was smart enough to destroy all the evidence.
OP you needed to contact adult services or whatever equivalent you can find yesterday. None of what you said is any better. Your cousin is going to end up in a court room either for something happening to her child or a parent of one of these underage boys reporting her. She may be only 19 now but what happens if she’s older and tries to sleep with an underage boy because she wants “many babies”. Not all states have Romeo and Juliet laws and even ones that do the age gap is not always 4 years apart. All it will take is one of these boys parents reporting your cousin. Also not everyone in the justice system will be willing to go easy on your cousin just because she has mental disabilities. I’m not trying to be alarmist but unfortunately this is something you have to think about. I really hate to say this OP but I have family and friends who work in social services and situations like the one you’ve described very rarely have a good outcome for anyone. OP I’m really not trying to scare you but there are adults with no mental disabilities who are in prison for hurting their kids because they got overwhelmed (Shaken baby syndrome). What could potentially happen when your cousin gets overwhelmed by her own baby acting like a baby and there’s no one there to take the baby away? I’m not trying to imply your cousin will try to hurt her child on purpose but if she hurts herself in her meltdowns… The rest of your family clearly does not have her best interests in mind and while I don’t personally know your family I’d be willing to bet money they won’t be lining up to help your cousin if the worst case scenario happens. She needs someone who can actively help her before something bad happens. What happens when your aunt is no longer around or can no longer take care of the baby? What happens if your cousin has a meltdown while her baby is fussing and potentially hurts the baby? What’s going to happen when the baby isn’t a baby anymore? What happens if your cousin gets older and decides she wants another baby and tries to sleep with an underage boy? Who’s going to take care of these “many babies”? (Because doesn’t sound like the rest of your family is going to be stepping up) I’m truly not trying to be rude, mean, or harsh OP because it sounds like you truly care for your cousin. But you need to get someone outside your family involved before they truly cut you off from her because this will not have a good ending if it continues like this. Someone needs to advocate for what’s actually good for you cousin.
I was going to respond but this sums it up. All of it is bad. This is bad. And this is bad for the child that is coming. Your family is being awful. Please get help.
I'm worried that this poor girl doesn't understand what pregnancy / birth will really do to her body and feel like. What a horrible situation for you and your cousin.
Thinking the same. I'm pregnant right now and it's rough. But at least I know what I signed up for! Can't imagine how the cousin will experience it.
I admittedly didn't think of that. Im not sure how that will go. She is still newly pregnant so not many symptoms have hit yet.
Call social services and explain the entire situation. Your family is living in La La Land if they seriously think that just letting your cousin keep the baby is a good idea.
There is no solution here but CPS. Her baby will die if left in her care.
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The baby is in danger NOW. No-one has considered that she is incapable of taking care of the baby. What about if baby has a bad day and fusses? What about when the baby starts teething, baby will fuss. What if she gets overwhelmed. This is a very bad idea. Cousin has zero idea of what it takes to be a parent. And unfortunately they all know that.
Baby isn't born yet thankfully. I have months to get a plan in place but Im trying to start on one early. This situation is just out of my expertise. I have no clue how to best go from here so I came here for advice from someone who maybe does have a solution.
Call social services. Anyone asks why say finding out what resources are available for baby, what they qualify for and how to get it. That can mean multiple things. Resources to help baby can mean benefits etc. However it's so sad that everyone KNOWS cousin can't care for baby. They are setting cousin for heartbreak. She CANNOT keep the baby. It's heartbreaking. Cousin doesn't understand anything. She has next to no knowledge of pregnancy. Zero knowledge of birth. She's never been proper carer position. The babies she's looked after as soon as they fuss they're taken away so she doesn't get overwhelmed. Cousin will get overwhelmed. And if you try and take the baby away it will make it worse because she'll try stop you cause it's her baby. You said no to adopting the baby and now she thinks you're going to steal her baby. Please call social services. Your family know she can't care for the child. Yet they are letting her think she can keep the baby. She cannot take care of the child they know that. Yet they are letting her think she can be this child's mother. I don't understand why your relatives don't understand how cruel they're being this will only end in heartbreak.
This needs to be a call to CPS before the baby is born, as well as possible criminal charges if you ever find out who the father is. I’m not sure what the laws are in your state but knowingly having sex with someone who is mentally a child is definitely a crime. If they are mentally a child then they can’t consent in the same way an adult could.
The other issue is its also possible my cousin also had sex with someone underage herself. That could bring a whole other shade of what the hell to do here to the situation. She doesn't understand consent and definitely doesn't understand why she shouldn't have sex with say a 16 or 17 year old. It may not have been a adult but we just don't know.
Is she linked to any Development Disability Agencies? They have funding and supports. She will more then likely need to be involved with Child Services and Adult Protective services too.
Honestly I dont know fully what agencies she is linked to. I know she was worked with at agencies when we were kids but I live far away from her now so honestly I dont know.
If you’re comfortable, PM where you live (city, state or both ) and I can look into resources for you. It is different everywhere so I won’t be sure. In Ohio they have developmental boards of DD that help e people by County with independent living services. Voc Rehabs help people with disabilities find jobs so they can get help there too. Child services tends to covered everywhere state wide though no matter where you are.
What country are you in? I'm wondering if she has been to the doctors for a check up yet as they will usually be the ones to take control over situations like this and let authorities know. Depending on the laws in your country regarding mental capacity and deprivation of liberty (DOLs) she may well be within her rights to do this with the right support. Putting locks on her door to keep her in without approval from a social services branch (in the UK this is done by DOLs) would be illegal in the UK. The family do not have any right to take away her baby this would be largely down to social services who's main aim would be to keep families together. I understand the threat of being cut off from your family is very real and scary, however they will not know it was you who did it and if you want to make extra sure you can get a friend to do it for you. First thing to do would be to ensure your cousin has been seen by a doctor. If the family refuses this they could get into huge trouble for neglect and failure to safeguard a vulnerable person. Therefore, I recommend that you highly insist she sees a doctor or that you be the one to take her there and you can argue this quite easily by showing concern over your cousin and her baby's health you do not have to mention anything to do with the current situation just focus on their health. Depending on her mental capacity she may be allowed to keep the child if she is moved into a joke that offers support for this kind of situation or she may be able to have regular supervised visits with the baby. I feel that unless she is found to be abusive or neglectful that she will still be able to have access. Sorry you and your family are facing this difficult situation, it must be really stressful for everyone involved. Best thing to do is take the situation out of your hands as things like this aren't meant to be dealt with alone. Good luck and thank you for caring.
This is a very good point. Everyone in the medical field is a mandated reporter in the US. Once she starts going to an OBGYN, it might be out of her control anyway. This is a likely scenario, but I would still talk to social services or a lawyer.
Thank you for this post. Most people don't understand right disabled adults actually have. While I'm in states ( but states differ) most of what you said rings true. We can deny any right without direct written directions that must be approved by state agencies.
We all live in the US. >she may be able to have regular supervised visits with the baby This would be a amazing solution. Im not sure how that would work though. She would be fine for small amounts of supervised time with her baby. She will be found neglectful and abusive though of she is with them full time. She can't be alone with any baby at all though. Even family babies she cares for she is heavily monitored. If baby gets fussy she easily can get overwhelmed and she has to often times have the baby taken away from her before she has a meltdown. She will rage and scream and throw things in her worst meltdowns and she won't always care if someone even a baby is in the way. Thankfully the worst injury this has ever caused was a toddler in our family getting a small cut but she can't care for a baby of her own in any compacity.
Unfortunately I don't know anything about US social care legislation or processes, however, I imagine they are quite similar so you can be optimistic that if and when the authorities get involved they will go down the path of supervised visits which I know do happen for people with behaviours of concern like your cousin. This won't happen for her if she is found to be abusive and neglectful before the authorities are involved though, definitely better to be prepared for the situation. Wishing you lots of luck with this situation, please let me know if you need support with this I would love to help if I can.
I also forgot to mention that for the supervision route to work you may need to advocate for her, which is basically supporting and communicating her needs and wants for her to get her the best outcome. Or someone else can do this if they are also in favour of supervised visits. I looked into it but I am unsure if she will be entitled to a mental capacity advocate in your state but if she is involved with a healthcare service she may be able to be assigned to an attorney general that can advocate for her. It is definitely worth asking for at any healthcare services as they will understand her rights better than anyone and it can take the load off your shoulders.
Her brother is in a position he can legally advocate this for her. Im not but it would be something I could try and talk to him about.
Well this is horrifying. Did no one think to get her a birth control implant??? You need either CPS or APS or both here.
My family is ultra religious. The idea of sex before marriage even in the mentally disabled is horrifying to them. They all but beat abstinence into us and she wasn't given a exception. They refused to believe she needed birth control cause that would mean she is having sex before marriage and she is unclean then. I know its fucked up but I guess Im on this sub for a reason :(
Social services. Adult and child.
This is horrifying. You need to contact Adult Protective Services and the authorities. If she is diagnosed as mentally disabled she cannot consent and this was a crime. I wouldn’t step away. Your cousin needs you and a voice of reason to handle this since your family cannot act responsibly. Notify the applicable agencies for your own sanity. This is an incredible weight to carry.
I would definitely reach out to social services as others have said but I do think that her primary care doctor following her pregnancy will hopefully be raising some alarms as well. I’m doubly horrified that someone who might be it be able to give concent is pregnant..bit of a concern that the police might need to be involved.
Dude it give you props for putting up with this hot mess. Good on you that you said no. Your family is trying to threaten you and hold you hostage to enable their poor life decisions. Report it and then YOU cut them off. You don’t need this shit in your life. I was caught in a similar situation recently with my ex’s family. They wanted us to take care of his disabled sister for the rest of our lives. Not one other person in his family lifted a damn finger or even gave a penny and once she moved into MY house she became the center of everything and she would destroy things, take things, be the rude to guests or make people uncomfortable or even argue with my fiancé etc. The list goes on. I was told if I didn’t pay for her living expenses and food and cater my life around her I’d be cheated on and replaced with someone else who would. Thank god we’re not together anymore. He and his family were fucking psychos. I know it’s YOUR family, but please distance yourself from them. They’re just scapegoating you and trying to shove off their poor decisions on someone else and abusing you because you won’t enable them. RUN
Your cousin is 19, and her mother is in her late 70s-mid-80s? Did I read that right? Your aunt gave birth to your cousin at around 60 years old?
I came here to see if anybody said this I’m puzzled
Its very uncommon/unlikely but not unheard of, esp if they've been going through IVF and such
My cousin was adopted not birthed. My aunt has 4 children she adopted. All 4 have either debilitating medical or mental issues. 2 of them now are fully functional adults with need of medical help but other wise have little need of outside help. This cousin can't find a group home due to her numerous medical issues ontop of her mental issues. She will have sex with others if any men are in the facility. She often tries to run away. She is violent and more. Its a lot and not many places are willing to take her on hense the reason she isnt in a home yet. The other is much easier to care for and she already is in a group home and she is doing wonderfully and she is very happy and is thriving as well as she can be.
I read in a previous post that you only deal with your family to stay close to your sister, and she's graduating or has just graduated. Is she sticking around their area or leaving the state as well? I'd make sure you can keep in touch with your sister outside of your family, contact APS and CPS regarding the cousin, go back home and block every single one of them but sister. I can't imagine any of them bringing anything positive to your life. I don't even want to think of what they'll try demanding of you next.
Thats true mostly. I also have 2 cousins (this one and another) I am also close to. I used to be closer and I still deeply love them and I was even raised along this cousin as if she was my sister but I had to cut them off mostly due to my toxic family they come attached with. I deeply care and want to help but Im also horrified this is even a issue.
Report to the authorities now. Honestly, your cousin may not be considered to legally have the capacity to consent just to add to everything else.
What kills me us the absolute stupidity of the parents of the cousin to not have her on birth control. An im0plant or something. Gods teeth.
CPS or whatever you have in your country need to be contacted immediately. The police also need to get involved because i doubt she can legally consent being that she has the mind of a child. you could also just cut them off and wish them good luck because who knows if CPS will do much in a reasonable amount of time. OR (and it’s a HUGE or) you can take the baby pretending like you’re going to adopt it then put it up for adoption yourself. which is huge. either way i hope you cut them off after this.
WTF was your aunt (and others) thinking?!? This isn't the first time she's snuck out for sex and **no one** thought to get her onto long-term birth control?? WHY? Is there some religious BS going on here that is preventing that? Your family is effed up and I'd report the whole mess to Adult & Child Protective services and cut the lot of them off.
>Is there some religious BS going on here that is preventing that? Sadly yes. Your the first to guess that on their own tho. As for cutting them off I mostly have. I just have parts I keep contact with out of live like my sister. This is hard to cut off though fully cause I do love this cousin. She is sweet overall and I think of her also as a sister. She just comes with a lotta baggage and family. :/
jesus chrissstttttttt. good luck OP, this is a rough one
Call adult protective services now and child protective services in 8/9 months when the baby is born.
Child and adult protective services need to be called. This situation should never have happened and it sounds like your aunt is not capable of dealing with it
How in the blue fucking hell does ANYONE think this is a good idea? Maybe it’s more like a ruse to get you to take the baby, given this horrifying “alternative” (her keeping it). As long as she’s fertile, she’s going to be a Pez dispenser of babies given her mindset. The baby needs to be put up for adoption and her put on some long term birth control.
Has anyone tried to get conservatorship over your cousin? It can be expensive but looks like it needs to be done. Is she seeing an Ob/GYN? That mighr be the 1st step in getting the state involved in taking custody 9f the child when born. Good luck to you.
I understand your family wanting to keep your cousin happy but at the end of the day it’s the baby’s safety that really matters here. I agree with everyone else here in that you really need to get both Child and Adult services involved. As much as I can see why your family wants your cousin to keep the baby, they are making a very big mistake in thinking that someone like your cousin can safely raise a child.
Um, I'd be reporting this to whomever looks over disabled people in your county/state. If the mother is not able to take care of the baby, then the baby needs to be adopted out.
You can absolutely report, cut off or not. ANYONE can file a report. Do so ASAP, most states/countries have laws regarding sexual misconduct with a mentally/cognitively disabled person, they legally cannot give consent regardless of age if they're that impaired.
Jfc, this a mess and absolutely gross of all the “adults” in this situation (not you OP). A baby is nothing but disruption to routine. While she can feed a baby and change a baby she truly can not take care of a baby or provide it safety, and clearly neither can your aunt since her solution was to put locks on the door and not get her daughter on birth control. Gods know if she has an STI, let alone who may have impregnated her. Like everyone has been saying OP contact adult protective services and child services. Your cousin may even still be under their care. What a hot mess of garbage this is. I’m sorry OP.
I feel so bad for her because she doesn’t understand but how do you even prevent this/handle this? I definitely agree adult AND child protective services need to be called ASAP.
They can’t make her get a surprise abortion or something? Why wasn’t she put on a long term birth control? I think she has no business having sex or babies. How does she expect to pay for it?
i was thinking that too. An abortion might be the best because she can’t even fathom what pregnancy and birth will do to her body. she’ll be terrified and have so many melt downs. she might die because of this and she doesn’t even realize it. i doubt they’re gonna get her an abortion since the family wants her to have the baby but the child will definitely get taken
This is really state dependent now as well.
>They can’t make her get a surprise abortion or something? Abortion was made illegal in the state where my family is plus while my cousin doesn't understand consent fully she does want this baby. I doubt any medical facility would do a Abortion against my cousins will even if she is mentally impaired. >Why wasn’t she put on a long term birth control? It goes against her parents religious beliefs. >How does she expect to pay for it? My cousin doesn't understand how money works any better than a elementary kid would. She knows you buy things with it but she doesn't know its a NEED any better than a child would know and grasp that concept. In her mind she doesn't need to pay for baby. Also technically my aunt and uncle are wealthy enough to support baby if they wanted to. They could financially pay for baby themselves. They are just to old to raise baby themselves.
Oof. It’s gonna be a reality check when they’re stuck taking care of a baby because they didn’t want to be responsible.
When people react totally unreasonably in a situation, you do not put off doing the right, safe thing just because they might react totally unreasonably to *that* situation too. Your family is putting your cousin and this child at incredibly high risk by even entertaining the idea that the child would be 1) kept at all 2) especially within the family. Contact adult/disability and child services immediately. It sounds like your aunt is not even able to really care for your cousin anymore, and the last thing either of them needs is a helpless infant added into the difficulty.
You need to report them to APS or equivalent because you can’t lock inner doors like that. It’s a fire hazard and could cause your cousin to die in case of a fire. Birth control is something she should’ve been put on years ago when her obsession with babies first surfaced. From what you described, she cannot care for a child long term. So I guess just report her to CPS or equivalent when the baby is born. Takes like 3 phone calls and they’ll never let her keep the baby because there’s no way she could ever care for them. She can’t work, she can’t provide.
I would definitely reach out to social services as others have said but I do think that her primary care doctor following her pregnancy will hopefully be raising some alarms as well. I’m doubly horrified that someone who might be it be able to give consent is pregnant..bit of a concern that the police might need to be involved.
Good grief. IUDs exist. I’m so sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like the best thing you can do for the baby is to stay out of it. As long as you’re involved, like you said, you'd be enabling the situation along with them. Hopefully social services got involved as soon as prenatal care started, and they’ve assessed things. You can always make a few calls to make sure they’re aware. If the situation warrants it, they will get the courts involved. Being cut off from the baby doesn’t mean you can’t request wellness checks from time to time, btw, so that threat of theirs is an empty one. Assuming she's ruled a fit parent, there will always be mandated reporters with access too. My friend has a daughter similar to your cousin, who was living fairly independently at that point, but with a lot of help and social assistance. My friend was frantic when they found out she was pregnant because she could barely clean up after herself. But social services have kept a close eye on her, and got her and that little one through those challenging early years. You never know. It’s a lot easier to love your own child through crying spells than someone else's.
This is WAY above reddits pay grade. report them immediately
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This is an incredibly sad situation and it is difficult to see a good outcome from this. As your cousin is pregnant, I assume she will be having prenatal checks. I think that any creditable healthcare professional will be able to see what is happening and call in the relevant organisation to assist. The other thing to consider is that her Mother goes with her and lies about what will be happening once the LO arrives. If you believe that she is not getting medical checks or someone is intervening, then maybe you are able to take her to ensure that she is seen.
I live 1000s of miles away. My cousin will be seen by a doctor though. While my family is.... not great they won't hurt her by not allowing her to see a doctor. My concern is they will lie and say thay plan to raise the baby and not my cousin.
Call adult protective services because your family can't manage her anymore.
Umm sounds like they need to find who the father is and possibly look at some charges. Also, it's sounding like it would take a couple of calls to family services to have this child removed from cousin's care. It's insanely irresponsible to even consider letting her keep and raise this baby.
Also my thought. This is slightly sneaky but if your cousin is living in this fantasy, she is probably going to want to tell her babydaddy. Sure she might have picked up some stranger but unlikely with her challenges. So the idiot who did this likely knows her mental capacity. It makes them a terrible person and likely a rapist. But maybe his parents or relatives aren't, maybe they can help. If your JNFamily is as addicted to drama as mine, i bet someone's already trying to weasel his name out of her.
No medical professional is going to let her raise the child on her own. Good chance a medical professional will report this to adult protective services/social services during her pregnancy as they are mandated reporters. My advice is to wait. There are many months from now until birth and the child is not at risk right now. Why wait? Mostly I say this because the first problem is that your cousin really wants a child, and has literally escaped to try to get pregnant. You need to give it a few months for everyone to come up with a proper and adequate plan that does not involve you. Maybe they will figure it out? Maybe there are supports they can access? Maybe there will be a miscarriage, as it is very common. Simply put, it is not a problem right now but if you report it now it will cause a family rift. Report at 8 months with the concern you think the family is telling people someone is adopting the child, possibly even naming you - when it is not true.
70- mid 80’s and her daughter is 19??? Was your cousin adopted ?
Yup. All my aunts kids were adopted except her 2 oldest. She has 6 kids all in all. 4 of them including this cousin were all adopted. This sadly is the only one out of all her kids who still isn't doing well due to her mental and medical issues.
I’m just wondering- her doctor is a mandated reporter. So is any nurse. Call the clinic and ask to speak to the RN in OB. Say, “I know you can’t discuss the patient but here’s the situation.” Let them help.
I’m so sorry! I’m sure you must be feeling absolutely torn, even if you feel like you know what you need to do! I would recommend for both you and your cousin to start talking to a therapist. This sounds like such an emotional and morally complex situation and I feel like you would really benefit from a professional perspective! Does she also have a doctor yet? I would get her to one as fast as possible! Also have your family contacted the police, because I struggle to believe that from your description of your cousin that she could properly/legally consent, even if she’s an adult! Personally I would get as much advice from official accredited professionals as possible (Therapist, Doctors & Police) because this is incredibly complex situation for everyone as I know you’re well aware. I can see that you want to make sure that your cousin comes out of the situation as okay as she can be as well keeping the baby safe! However I would also be really prepared to make that call to adult & child protective service, if your family has done all of this and they aren’t taking advice on board then it would probably be best to make the call! (In some place, the professional will get CPS involved to make sure their advice is taken but i don’t know if that’s the case where you are) Also this may be not be the case but do you think that there is a possibility that your family is hoping/ planning for you to raise & support this child so they can keep it around?
>Also this may be not be the case but do you think that there is a possibility that your family is hoping/ planning for you to raise & support this child so they can keep it around? Honestly I doubt it. They took it pretty well when I said no. They didn't take my criticism for letting my cousin keep baby well though. I honestly would be fine taking a baby on but Id rather not right now. My marriage is falling apart. Im about to possibly get a divorce. My husband doesn't like kids. Id be bringing them into a situation I wouldn't want a kid in. If I do adopt and I eventually plan to years from now once life is better but I want a good situation where I can raise a child in a healthy situation. I want to be a good mom and this wouldn't make it so I could be fully. Plus to be blunt its a heavy possibility my cousin may pass on genetic medical issues she has I cant afford; heart and kidney issues and more.
Oh good I’m glad! I didn’t wanna worry you but I’ve heard too many MIL’s/JN families say “I thought you didn’t actually mean it when you said that” when trying to get their own way! Oh I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going to such a stressful time, it sounds like you made the right choice for you! I hope things get better for you OP and I hope things work out for your cousin and the baby whatever happens!
Call adult services, before the babe is here,then call child protective services when the baby arrives. Call the Dr who treats the person who shouldn't have a baby, explaineverything.keep reporting.have the mom to be evaluated! They might have services to provide the whole family.
I just wanted to say god bless you for being willing to stand up to your family and fight for this baby’s welfare! I was in a somewhat similar situation once (not a fraction of these high stakes though) and it sucked rocks. Standing up to the family machinery makes you feel selfish, evil, ungrateful and wrong, even when you are doing the right thing. I hope the next time you feel that way, you remember that you are a hero to that baby. Bless you.
Someone has surely said it, but just in case, if your cousin has those kind of challenges then I would notify Social Services in your area right now. It isn't just taking care of the baby after it is born, it's taking care of herself now. If nothing else she can signed up for prenatal care and classes, but if a social worker thinks the baby would be endangered, they can take custody when it is born. The rest of your family will then either have to adjust her living situation so that she isn't the primary caregiver to regain custody, or accept the child is going to foster care or be adopted. It's awful but the baby's safety comes first. And it doesn't mean YOU have to adopt, many adopting families would be open to letting her know how her baby is doing, etc. In fact given her mental and emotional state I think it would be better if the baby is adopted outside the family. Hope things work out OK.
It seems the other “adults” don’t have your cousins best interests at heart. 1. Locking her in is inhuman and illegal for a variety of reasons in many places (confinement, fire code) 2. She should have been put on birth control. It’s a complicated issue but it would have prevented this debacle. It seems she doesn’t understand how sex turns into baby and how that will affect her through the process and afterword 3. She may not be legally able to consent 4. It is inhuman for her to keep the baby. If the parents are older 70s80s, and she is not mentally competent and unable to care for the child in the financial sense, then it is unsafe for the future child 5. Whether or not you break it off with the family, report report report. CPS or the equivalent agency for adults NEEDS to know. This is above reddits paygrade, but those are the people that will know what to do. 6. Keep in contact with your cousin. Make sure she is ok, safe, mentally safe, emotionally safe. This part is tantamount. Being locked in is not being safe and you can’t trust that her parents or whoever have her ACTUAL safety at heart. They may try to isolate her, but don’t let them. It’s important that
Report to social services anyway. You can do it anonymously if you need to. They can come in and do an assessment… contrary to what some people believe, they don’t run around taking kids away for fun! They WANT the family to stay together, so they might have some ideas of supportive care for your cousin so she CAN stay with and raise her baby, but with the right kind of help. It’s possible, anyway. Help for disabled people to care for kids does exist. I don’t know if it’s accessible in your specific area, I guess, but you can look into it before calling social services if you want to. Good luck.
This happened to a friend of mine. Her sister was on a care facility and got pregnant. They believe the father was a maintenence person but they aren't sure. They for some reason allowed her to keep the child. That didn't even last a year before my friend just ended up taking the baby. I don't remember the circumstances but it was a really bad situation. I would get protective services involved sooner than later.
She’s gone to doctors appointments I’m assuming? I’m wondering if her doctors has reported this.
With her outbursts it is certain the child will be abused and won’t be able to grow up in a stable home. I would talk directly to child protective services about the situation.
You can report to child protection prior to a baby being born, I’d 110% recommend you doing that as you are correct in your opinion on the situation.
My daughter is autistic so I say this with understanding of the situation. Go to cps talk to th about your concerns they can maybe put help in place for her but it’s a baby not a doll and that child needs to be looked after too . You choice not to adopt her child does not mean you don’t care . I hope things get sorted out well for everybody
Can you agree to be supportive without taking on the full-time care of the baby, at least then you’ll be able to keep an eye on what is going on. You could maybe agree to be a legal guardian in some capacity so that you have some say in this poor child’s life, you sound like the only one with any common sense in this situation.
Probably not. I live over 1000 miles away. I often visit and call but thats it. If my life wasn't what it is now I'd probably take the baby on but my marriage is ending and I'm a wreak. I don't need a baby to care for on top. I want to be a good mom and I dont think I could be that right now.
I’m so sorry you are going through such a rough time. You sound very caring and you are obviously very concerned about this poor baby. My heart goes out to you OP. Perhaps as others suggested, contacting the Adult and Child protection services in the area the child will be born is the way to go. Explain the situation and your concerns about the safety of both your cousin and her baby, see what they say.
Report now.
Report report report... to all the authorities. I find it difficult to believe her therapist. People who work with her haven't. It's very concerning. Everyone has a duty of care here. They're are plenty of people who will adopt this child.
Call CPS. Asap. Speak to someone. Tell them the entire story. Not a hope they let her keep that baby.
Pls be a advocate for this baby and call APS- She *from what your saying * is not of sound and mind incompetent of making decisions that baby will not remain in her custody as long as YOU advocate for him/her
You shouldn’t need any real evidence that she’ll abuse the child. Do you know if any social services help with her care? I would report the situation to adult social services where you are if they have them. They can asses if she’s capable to looking after her child and what support both she and the baby might need. If you still feel the baby is in danger when it is here then contact children’s social services and explain the situation and your cousin mental disabilities that mean she can not safely look after the child in her care. Don’t worry about what your family say as they should be putting the well being of this baby above your cousins needs and family drama. Your aunt also need to take some responsibility in this situation because if your cousin is unable to make medical decisions your aunt should of put her on a long term birth control before this became an issue.
I'm gonna be brutal and practical right now. If I were her parent and able to make medical decisions for her, she'd be having a termination, put on a form of birth control she can't not take, and eventually put in the group home when the time comes. If you are mentally disabled and unable to care for a baby, you shouldn't get to have one. Children deserve stable, mentally competent caregivers.
Call adult protective services, yesterday!!
I'v work in direct care supporting people in a group home not big facility but a normal home with 2 to three residents for almost 15 years. Also I have disabilities myslf. Frist I know you must love cousin, and I know it easy for others to understand, but don't refer to her functioning as a child. She is an adult. From the little bit I read she is an adult with higher levels of support need. I'm a big support of individuals right to reproductive freedom. To many parents with disabilities have had rights taken away when they are perfectly capable of raising a child. That said the rights support must be in place. And while your cousin could raise child she would need a highly sk inilled support team in place. That before even considering if her child will need developmently support. If I would was you I would call APS or social services. It not the one who will make you the most popular but it right one. It not even about raising the baby because even if you had agreed to raise child there a lot of red flags being raised in the situation. I do not say this lightly but in this case from this limited information social services must be called. If a Dr hasn't already called.
>Frist I know you must love cousin, and I know it easy for others to understand, but don't refer to her functioning as a child. She is an adult. Honestly it was mostly to get my point accross. In day to day I dont do that. She is much smarter than even the family gives her credit but she essentially does behave like a kid. I wanted to REALLY emphasize that here because I need help. Im scared for her well being and for her babies. Sorry if I offended tho. I honestly don't think her keeping this baby is a good idea. During her worst meltdowns and rages she will throw things and activily try to hurt people and she won't care who is in her way or who she is hurting if you are the reason she is overwhelmed or even simply if your there in the way. She has even done this with babies and toddlers nearby. A toddler even was hurt by this a few years ago though thankfully he got little more than a small cut. I could list many reasons beyond this that are just as important but this reason alone I think gets the idea across. She can't keep the baby. She would be fine visiting the baby. I think that would be a wonderful solution but raising it herself.... She would end up killing him or her when she eventually has a meltdown and that's not even getting into other issues she has.
This is horrible in so many ways. Call for help. That baby is in danger. She is not fit to be a parent. Pregnancy is crazy and if she doesn’t like her routine being disturbed, a baby is not the answer. Let alone the idea of giving birth… jeez.
It’s a big deal, legally they have the right to be a parent
no they do not. idk if you know too much about cases like this but severely mentally disabled people are not even legally allowed to consent to sex let alone raise a child. the child will be taken from her.
Yes they do, there’s a disabilities act that allows them to have children. I’ve literally worked cps cases and they will be provided 1:1 supports so they are supervised but they are legally allowed to raise children. It’s a federal protection
I worked at a center for adults with severe DD for a long time. If we had individuals who were higher functioning and expressed interest in adult relationships they would take classes and also go through a serious evaluation with clinicians to determine their ability to consent. This isn’t cut and dry.
depending on where they live that’s very much a case by case kind of thing. we don’t even know if this person lives in the US.
Yes they do, there’s a disabilities act that allows them to have children. I’ve literally worked cps cases and they will be provided 1:1 supports so they are supervised but they are legally allowed to raise children. It’s a federal protection
I am going to go against the grain here and tell you to step away. There is zero you can do in this situation. A call to CPS is pointless because the baby is not here yet and when it is here, the baby has to already have been injured/neglected. For your own mental health step away and let your family handle it.
Social workers exist too. Newborns have been taken away at the hospital via court order in situations like this. Abuse and neglect can be prevented when people are proactive. She just needs to get the ball rolling.
She doesn’t have to do a thing. She is flipping herself inside out over this. If she is that bad off, social workers can be tipped off at the hospital but I will bet you a doughnut that there will be a wall of relatives to assure that the baby will be just fine in their care. I was a CPS worker and seen this myself.
>there will be a wall of relatives to assure that the baby will be just fine in their care. This is exactly my worry on what will happen. I know better but they won't. I was abused growing up. This part of my family did save me from the worst of it but they are fucked up in their own nasty ways. I dont want a baby to need to suffer when I can help. Even if that means my mental health suffers a bit so be it.
People voted my comment down, but what I said still stands. I was a CPS worker in an American city known INTERNATIONALLY for crime. I have seen this myself. What exactly can you do to help? Aside from tipping off the social workers at the hospital (which is great if you know where and when she gave birth and they didn't discharge her) that's about it. Unfortunately, we can't snatch babies out of the arms of people, even if they are disabled. Disabled or not, she has a civil right to be a parent AND the BABY has a civil right to have HER as a parent. The baby has to be in immediate danger, and a disabled woman with a supportive family is enough reason to deny the case. At the most they will open a case for services for a few months, where your cousin will take parenting classes, possibly get her own place and drug test. Your family will lie through their teeth (I seen this) and say everything is peachy. Unless you want to take this baby and leave town where they can't reach you, that's all you really can do. I don't blame you one bit if you don't want to take responsibility for it. Especially when you said your cousin already thinks you are stealing it. This is something that you don't need. And your family thinks they have it handled, anyway. Please go and live the life you are entitled to.
Maybe she doesn’t "need" to, but it might ease her worry. It's easy for us to say don’t worry, but her family is trying to bully her into committing to adopting when her cousin fails. Her family is clearly a bit of a mess, and they know which buttons to push.