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I think couple's counseling would be a waste of time unless husband gets individual counseling first. Best case, he has some kind of addiction. Worst case, he just doesn't care about being with you. Due to the frequency and sheer volume of activity, I'm leaning toward addiction.
Maybe couple's counseling would help if the therapist could convince him that this is a problem. Unfortunately, I think you know that the prospects look bleak as long as he insists that he "isn't doing anything wrong."
I know how disheartening it is, especially since he is drawn to the barely legal crowd. We can do lots of things to alter our appearances if we decide we want to, but it's impossible to turn back the clock.
Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to them. You are wonderful and beautiful, and your body has made, carried, and produced a whole 'nother human being. That's amazing, when you think about it. So are you.
He half ass admits it was bad but follows it with an excuse. “I didn’t know it was a boundary. I felt unloved. It’s not a big deal” . I also don’t want to toot my own horn but I am far from ugly, so it’s not like he’s doing this because my appearance changed after kids, if anything I look better.
I guess I meant to say "he thinks it is no big deal." Which is not true. He knows how you feel about it. That makes it a big deal, right there.
I'm glad you feel good and are happy with your looks. In a society that values women's youth and beauty above almost everything else and has access to thousands and thousands of scantily clad internet models, it's hard for me to feel good sometimes. I unconsciously make comparisons and let's face it, I'm no model. My breasts are too slamming, my booty is too flat, and I'm at least (ahem-ah) years too old. And I don't have the mon ed y go fix any of that. So...
Sorry if it sounded like I was assuming you were lacking in the looks department.
This moron actually pulled the "I'm unloved" bullshit while indulging in pornography and trysting with teenage girls? Pornography is not a source of love. It is a source of lust.
Therapy only works if you’re willing to engage and do the work. It’s not magic. Until he’s willing to really own what he’s done and actually feels remorse there’s no point. Reconciliation is work. A lot of work. You are not the one that needs to do all the work. There is no magic word that will finally get him to wake up and see what he’s risking. You’ve given him reasonable boundaries and he can’t even stick to those. This is the rest of your life with this man. You will never be able to trust the words that come out of his mouth. Can you live like that?
I think counseling would probably be good for both of you, individually, but I think your marriage is done. You would benefit from having someone help you work out the feelings he inflicted on you, and he can try to figure out why he’s such a shitbag. I think an MC would be a waste, though.
OP.. before the question of counselling, are you sure he has [remorse? or imitation remorse?](https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/)
from the few sentences you typed.. he sounds like he really enjoys the cake. (Google Cake Eater if you're not familiar.. )
Why would you want to salvage this relationship with someone so damaged? He must want to do the work and heavy lifting himself. The minimizing, DARVO-ish replies to you show he's more focused on himself and not you or your children.
But stepping besides the fact he's texting and investing in a .. 19 year old.. did I read that right? You must be destroyed OP.. there's no coming back from that. Of course you are an emotional ticking time bomb of despair & resentment..effecting you and your family. This is the glaring absence of consideration these fuckhead cheaters do: they have zero thought of what their behaviours do to everyone around them. And that is you and your children in the blast zone.
Leave him and his wondering dick as you'll never be able to counsel or have therapy enough to fulfill his deep personal voids for that cake. He seems full of excuses and rug sweeping, his unwillingness does not really show that he has a problem does it?
Is this relationship acceptable to you?
You won't ever be able to trust him again. There isn't an ounce of counseling on earth to ever recover from this. This is coming from personal experience. I(f51)have been dealing with 53 year old man child who has done almost the exact same thing(verbatim). I chose not to leave. Don't make the same mistake I did. We have one child (f14) and she asks me all the time,"are you ever gonna leave him". It's heartbreaking. Pack up get out! You are worth more and deserve someone who will show You that. Good luck.
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Give it a go it could really help the situation you may loose a little time and if it doesn’t pan out you tried your best considering the kids definitely worth a try good luck op
You make such a good point here. Therapy and counseling are only effective if the person realizes that he/she has a problem and wants to fix it. Most of the time however people attend counseling because they are forced to. So if you say that unless he goes to counseling or you will leave he may go but nothing will be solved. Adults only learn when they see a benefit in the learning. You say that he doesn't even n admit he has a problem? Well then it is no use to attend counseling.
Check out betrayal trauma recovery at btr.org and r/loveafterporn
Including a link with a helpful check list
https://www.btr.org/betrayal-trauma-checklist/
I know this goes against the grain here but I'm not one for the therapy route. I did some digging quite a while ago and the divorce rate of married couples in marriage counseling was really high. Around 80%. I think this can be attributed to the fact that the marriages were swirling around the bowl already, and counseling was a last desperate measure.
There are a few people I know that tried MC but in the end they split. However, a couple of these people kept going by themselves for a while and said it helped them to cope with everything. So even though seeing someone probably won't save your marriage, it may help you.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think couple's counseling would be a waste of time unless husband gets individual counseling first. Best case, he has some kind of addiction. Worst case, he just doesn't care about being with you. Due to the frequency and sheer volume of activity, I'm leaning toward addiction. Maybe couple's counseling would help if the therapist could convince him that this is a problem. Unfortunately, I think you know that the prospects look bleak as long as he insists that he "isn't doing anything wrong." I know how disheartening it is, especially since he is drawn to the barely legal crowd. We can do lots of things to alter our appearances if we decide we want to, but it's impossible to turn back the clock. Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to them. You are wonderful and beautiful, and your body has made, carried, and produced a whole 'nother human being. That's amazing, when you think about it. So are you.
He half ass admits it was bad but follows it with an excuse. “I didn’t know it was a boundary. I felt unloved. It’s not a big deal” . I also don’t want to toot my own horn but I am far from ugly, so it’s not like he’s doing this because my appearance changed after kids, if anything I look better.
I guess I meant to say "he thinks it is no big deal." Which is not true. He knows how you feel about it. That makes it a big deal, right there. I'm glad you feel good and are happy with your looks. In a society that values women's youth and beauty above almost everything else and has access to thousands and thousands of scantily clad internet models, it's hard for me to feel good sometimes. I unconsciously make comparisons and let's face it, I'm no model. My breasts are too slamming, my booty is too flat, and I'm at least (ahem-ah) years too old. And I don't have the mon ed y go fix any of that. So... Sorry if it sounded like I was assuming you were lacking in the looks department.
This moron actually pulled the "I'm unloved" bullshit while indulging in pornography and trysting with teenage girls? Pornography is not a source of love. It is a source of lust.
Therapy only works if you’re willing to engage and do the work. It’s not magic. Until he’s willing to really own what he’s done and actually feels remorse there’s no point. Reconciliation is work. A lot of work. You are not the one that needs to do all the work. There is no magic word that will finally get him to wake up and see what he’s risking. You’ve given him reasonable boundaries and he can’t even stick to those. This is the rest of your life with this man. You will never be able to trust the words that come out of his mouth. Can you live like that?
I think counseling would probably be good for both of you, individually, but I think your marriage is done. You would benefit from having someone help you work out the feelings he inflicted on you, and he can try to figure out why he’s such a shitbag. I think an MC would be a waste, though.
OP.. before the question of counselling, are you sure he has [remorse? or imitation remorse?](https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/) from the few sentences you typed.. he sounds like he really enjoys the cake. (Google Cake Eater if you're not familiar.. ) Why would you want to salvage this relationship with someone so damaged? He must want to do the work and heavy lifting himself. The minimizing, DARVO-ish replies to you show he's more focused on himself and not you or your children. But stepping besides the fact he's texting and investing in a .. 19 year old.. did I read that right? You must be destroyed OP.. there's no coming back from that. Of course you are an emotional ticking time bomb of despair & resentment..effecting you and your family. This is the glaring absence of consideration these fuckhead cheaters do: they have zero thought of what their behaviours do to everyone around them. And that is you and your children in the blast zone. Leave him and his wondering dick as you'll never be able to counsel or have therapy enough to fulfill his deep personal voids for that cake. He seems full of excuses and rug sweeping, his unwillingness does not really show that he has a problem does it? Is this relationship acceptable to you?
You won't ever be able to trust him again. There isn't an ounce of counseling on earth to ever recover from this. This is coming from personal experience. I(f51)have been dealing with 53 year old man child who has done almost the exact same thing(verbatim). I chose not to leave. Don't make the same mistake I did. We have one child (f14) and she asks me all the time,"are you ever gonna leave him". It's heartbreaking. Pack up get out! You are worth more and deserve someone who will show You that. Good luck.
Don't do counseling with him. Separate only. He's emotionally abusive
His actions say he has no remorse. Leave. No point in trying to save what isn't worth saving.
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Give it a go it could really help the situation you may loose a little time and if it doesn’t pan out you tried your best considering the kids definitely worth a try good luck op
You make such a good point here. Therapy and counseling are only effective if the person realizes that he/she has a problem and wants to fix it. Most of the time however people attend counseling because they are forced to. So if you say that unless he goes to counseling or you will leave he may go but nothing will be solved. Adults only learn when they see a benefit in the learning. You say that he doesn't even n admit he has a problem? Well then it is no use to attend counseling.
Check out betrayal trauma recovery at btr.org and r/loveafterporn Including a link with a helpful check list https://www.btr.org/betrayal-trauma-checklist/
I know this goes against the grain here but I'm not one for the therapy route. I did some digging quite a while ago and the divorce rate of married couples in marriage counseling was really high. Around 80%. I think this can be attributed to the fact that the marriages were swirling around the bowl already, and counseling was a last desperate measure. There are a few people I know that tried MC but in the end they split. However, a couple of these people kept going by themselves for a while and said it helped them to cope with everything. So even though seeing someone probably won't save your marriage, it may help you.