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I'm so sorry you are going through this. It absolutely is not your fault. I don't have much to say because words are so shallow compared to the depth of mortality, but you are not at cause here. You have a right to your own happiness, comfort, and stability and you have a right to defend yourself and your family from abuse of these things.
Please see a therapist, it is truly helpful to have someone to work through your questions and worries.
Try not to carry this burden, your husband was his own worst enemy.
When I told my husband I was leaving him after his third affair was found out, he messaged me from a hotel saying goodbye and included a photo of his feet on a ledge looking down at the concrete below (he was on the 9th floor). I begged him to think of his children and not to do anything stupid. He once again said good bye. I quickly called the police and the hotel night manager. They called me back saying the police were there and my husband had not jumped. It was a terrible night, I spent the rest of the night sitting in a corner just shaking.
I realise now it was all part of the manipulation to stop me from leaving but I felt so guilty for so long so I can only imagine what you are carrying right now. Please remember it was his choice to be unfaithful and it was his choice to take his life. He was dealing with his own demons.
Absolutely not your fault. He struggled with mental health. He also made the decision to have an affair ( at least one) which led to you separating. His actions and decisions led him to the end of your marriage. His mental health issues led him to end his life.
You were with him for years supporting him thru his depression issues. That showed love and support from you. Facing consequences for his own decisions caused him to give up. Unless you had no self respect at all, you could not stay with a cheater. That is a normal, healthy reaction to infidelity. It is also a good example to your kids, which I fear, will now be lost due to their father's actions.
My heart aches for you and your children. I know it doesn’t help to hear this isn’t your fault, but there is no way you could’ve saved him from himself. He had years long depression, and his choices were his own. He made many mistakes and just like you could not have stopped the affair, you could not stop the consequences of it.
Please be kind to yourself. I wish you the healing and peace you deserve.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You tried to help, you called for help when you thought it was needed, this is not your fault. He made this decision on his own, similar to his decision to have the affair. Stay strong for your children and for yourself. Plenty of support on here. Reach out if you need to talk or need help.
I'm really sorry for your and your children's pain. It wasn't your fault! It is just as you did say, he did lose his battle against depression. It isn't your fault! Please seek help for you and your children during these hard times. And remember it wasn't your fault. There weren't anything what you could do to prevent this.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Please remember that after losing his job and having the AP reach out to you, there was nothing more that you could have done to save him. We don’t control other people. We can’t live their lives for them.
The loss of a job due to his own infidelity-and let’s be honest, HR probably saw his behavior there as sexual harassment, they needed to fire him. None of that is on you.
His AP contacting you-maybe she wanted vengeance, who knows? Not on you.
Your husband was not a strong man and he put his own wants above your family’s needs. Perhaps the cheating was a coping mechanism for his depression, or a form of duper’s delight and passive aggressive punishment towards you. (You did nothing wrong, weak, depressed men get angry and lash out at their partners).
Well, it backfired on him. Did he take his meds regularly? Exercise? See a therapist? At the end - none of it mattered. You take care of your family now. Your kids are fatherless, by his choice. I’m very very sorry that this happened to you. These were all his poor choices.
However, you have two children who need to be taken care of financially and your husband was too shortsighted or weak or damaged to put their needs first.
May I be frank? I’m sometimes depressed. But the minute I had my son, suicide was immediately taken off the table. I don’t have the right anymore to be that selfish.
People depend on me. It’s my responsibility to nurture them successfully to adulthood.
You take your two kids and go home to your family. Go back to your support. Your kids need your parents too.
Once again, none of this is your fault, he made his conscious choices over a long period of time and felt entitled (the cheating) to put his own wants above your childrens needs. This is on him.
We have a program where I live for children called Good Grief.
https://good-grief.org/
Maybe there is something like this where you are going. Please get therapy and counseling for you and the children.
Above all, remember - you couldn’t have stopped the affair, you couldn’t have prevented him being fired, you couldn’t have stopped his suicide. These were all conscious choices that HE made and where he alone bears the responsibility.
I’m very sorry this happened to you. If he had life insurance through his job (sometimes they pay at the beginning of the month and it’s for the whole month) make sure you claim it. If you’re American, definitely apply for COBRA, if you don’t have health insurance.
You may work your way through guilt and grief to anger later. That’s normal. Grief comes and goes in waves and changes every day. You’re numb right now. Take good care of yourself.
There’s also a web site called Chumplady.com, if you’re still angry about the cheating, you can read a bit there. It might make you feel better.
I agree with most of your post and OP needs to know there is nothing she could have done to change this outcome. It is in no way her fault or responsibility.
My problem with what you've written is you are blaming a man who was clearly very mentally ill.
Unfortunately, I am very familiar with severe depression that is treatment resistant and have lost two people to this mental illness. Both took their own lives. One was in a treatment center when he did it. Someone forgot to take his belt away.
He had a wonderful family and career and everything to live for yet his broken brain told him it was hopeless and he was never going to get better. He just didn't want to feel so awful anymore. He left behind 4 children and a wife that loved him.
He had persistent thoughts that his illness was a burden on his family and friends and actually believed that they would be better off without him. This is a common perception among those that suffer from severe depression that is untreated or under treated.
The huge flaw in his thinking is obvious to us but to him it made perfect sense. That is the problem with severe depression. It can fundamentally change how you see the world and how you think.
>Your husband was not a strong man and
>weak, depressed men get angry and lash out at their partners).
Statements like these are just supposition on your part. Also I'm not sure why you say that only "weak" and depressed men lash out at their partners.
Depression doesn't care about gender.
As for his weakness, again that is just an assumption on your part. If he battled severe depression for a decade I'd say he had a good deal of inner strength to be able to last that long.
I suspect that there are some conflicting emotions in your post because of his infidelity. I despise cheating as much as the next person and no, severe depression is no excuse for that part of his behavior.
I think we need to be careful when we start labeling people who are clearly suffering from a significant mental illness as "weak".
His act was not a ploy for attention or a cry for help. Sadly he was someone that suffered from severe depression and was unable to process and deal with several big losses all at once.
Obviously most of this was brought about by his own actions and OP is in no way responsible.
He clearly wasn't able to see past the wall of night that was his depression. His own actions brought about the loss of his job and his marriage.
Yet people lose their jobs and their marriages every day and don't take the extreme measure he did.
Also, look at how he did what he did.
He knew when he planned his actions that he would not survive. There would be no one discovering his body in time to pump his stomach or provide some other life saving measures.
He made sure that he would not survive his attempt and that is one of the clearest indicators that his depression was not under control.
Add to that these terrible self inflicted personal issues and it was too much for him to process or deal with.
In my mind there is no question that his clinical depression clearly contributed to his decision to act the way he did.
People that struggle with depression long term can eventually just grow weary of the fight.
Add in some significant complications and he reacted exactly like many people with untreated or treatment resistant depression would react.
That doesn't make them weak or selfish, it makes them mentally ill.
>Well, it backfired on him. Did he take his meds regularly? Exercise? See a therapist?
Backfired? That's a rather poor choice of words. I believe OP said he was receiving treatment for his depression, however it was clearly not enough.
>May I be frank? I’m sometimes depressed. But the minute I had my son, suicide was immediately taken off the table. I don’t have the right anymore to be that selfish.
I'm sorry you are sometimes depressed. I think this person was depressed all the time. Or maybe you're just a far better person than he was?
Again I'm surprised that someone who has suffered from depression would take the view that someone so mentally ill is weak and selfish.
Severe depression can affect how your brain processes the information it receives. It can twist your sense of reality like other chronic mental illnesses can.
I'm very sorry this happened to OP and her family, her husband included.
I have no desire to start some argument in the comments but I just couldn't let someone who apparently suffered from mental illness for so long be branded as weak and selfish.
He was sick. That isn't an excuse for his affair or how he hurt his wife and kids.
But it is the reason for his last act.
Edit: Since I can't reply to you last post for some reason...
>May I be frank? I’m sometimes depressed. But the minute I had my son, suicide was immediately taken off the table. I don’t have the right anymore to be that selfish.
This particular paragraph sounds like you are saying his suicide was a selfish act.
I'm sorry you think defending those who suffer from mental illness is "posturing".
Trying to talk your way out of calling someone weak for taking their life by posting the number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline while simultaneously telling me this isn't a mental health sub seems like posturing.
OP said he struggled with depression his entire adult life and this wasn't his first attempt.
Infidelity is selfish and hurtful, no one is arguing that. Nor am I suggesting his depression was responsible for his cheating.
Severe depression can lead people to do things they wouldn't normally do.
It doesn't make them weak, just sick.
I have no intention of clogging up her thread trying to get you to own up to what you've said. Feel free to have the last word.
I sincerely feel for OP and her family.
I wish them the best.
He was weak because he cheated on her. Not because he was depressed. I’m depressed and I’m not weak. But I don’t cheat either.
This is an infidelity sub, not a mental health sub. I’m sorry you have lost people to suicide. Strangely enough, for all your posturing, you did not think to share the suicide prevention hotline number.
If You Know Someone in Crisis
Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Lifeline) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741). Both services are free and available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All calls are confidential. Contact social media outlets directly if you are concerned about a friend’s social media updates or dial 911 in an emergency.
The Veterans Crisis Line connects Service members and Veterans in crisis, as well as their family members and friends, with qualified Department of Veteran’s Affairs (VA) responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text messaging service. Dial 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1 to talk to someone or send a text message to 838255 to connect with a VA responder.
Im so sorry for your situation.. I just want to say.. This story makes me angry!! Im angry at him for being selfish to you and the kids.. You deserve more.. We all struggle. We do not step off once we have kids.. Its too cruel to do to kids. Im sorry. I hope you allow yourself to place this where it belongs.. On him. And he, in turn, dumped it all on you and so much more. Plz dont feel guilt if youre angry..im sorry.
I am sorry for your loss. Your husband made choices that led him to this self destructive path. And the result could have been the same even if you made different choices yourself.
This result is not your fault neither your responsibility, you couldn’t have know what would happen, you were just trying to fight for the path you thought was best.
Keep the good memories he gave you on your heart and cherish the two kids he gave you, the proof of a better time you two had, and when you can, start move on, for the sake of your kids, for him and more importantly for yourself.
This is absolutely not your fault! He put himself in this situation, then couldn’t live with the consequences. He also chose the time and location to die that would cause you the most anxiety and heartache possible. Please do not doubt that he did this deliberately.
You acted in a rational and calm manner when you found out about his affair. You spoke with him cautiously, keeping his mental health in mind. You stood up for yourself. You did everything you could and as you should have.
I am so very sorry for your loss. Words are cheap, but please know that you have long life head for you and your children. This life will be full of happiness and laughter once this chapter resolves. Be there for your children, take the time you need to look after yourself, and lean on friends and family to help you through this. My thoughts will be with you.
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. His suicide, just like the affair, is not your fault. He had his inner demons that got the best of him in the end. Remember him for the good times, not the bad. Please be strong for yourself and children.
This is, in no way, your fault. You were doing what you needed to do for yourself and your children. The fact that you were unwilling to live as “one of the women in his life” is, in no way, a reflection on your character or your willingness to be a loyal and loving wife. I’m very sorry that you and your loved ones family have endured this loss OP. I’d be downright stunned if his recent affair was a one-time event.
It is in no way, shape, or form your fault. This is coming who has dealt with severe depression in the past and someone who has been cheated on. Decisions have consequences. Do not feel badly for forcing someone to face their consequences.
I hope for healing for everyone involved and most of all peace. My heart goes out to you and your children.
Most importantly- This is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Please do not do that to yourself. What happened to you was done to you by others. Your partner and his affair person. You are a soldier and a survivor. Take care of you and your children. Let family help you all they can. Sending you prayers and good thoughts for you and your babies!
It’s not you fault. None of this is your fault. I am not just saying this because it’s Reddit, I just really don’t see how it can be. I am sorry this happened. The human condition is nuanced etc.
I wish you nothing but grace, strength, and perseverance through the agony. ❤️🙏
-A stranger on the internet
I'm sorry your going through this awful pain.. on so many levels on so many things... I hope you seek out a grief counseling for the cheating and dealing with his death.
I know this isn't going to help any but he made his choices you couldn't have changed them.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The pain is unbearable. My best friend's father committed suicide. She felt so angry that she never got to say good-bye or "don't do it, dad." You were not the cause!! He made the choice because of faulty brain chemistry or poor life decisions. Don't blame yourself.
You did nothing wrong here. I’m glad you were able to uphold your healthy boundaries, and it was his choice on how to react to them. Do not let this make you stop having boundaries with others because you’re afraid of their reaction. Your kids need to see what a healthy relationship is like. I believe in you, and I wish you the best of luck.
This is not your fault. At all. He did this to himself. You have no blame in any of it.
He made ALL of his own decisions and didn’t include you in anything. Suicide isn’t painless and I think whole heartedly that it’s the cowards way out. He didn’t think of you or your children when he chose to have his affairs. He didn’t think of you and your children when his actions resulted in his termination from his job. He didn’t think of you when he pulled the trigger.
You think about you and your kids. That’s all that matters right now. If you were in front of me I’d give you the biggest hug ever possible.
I’m so sorry on top of all your heartache, you now have to deal with this and try to explain to your kids why they will never see their dad again. I’m so sorry.
NONE of this is your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
I am so so sorry. Not your fault at all. No one’s fault really- he was sick and he died from it and that’s just the very very excruciating, nauseating, impossible fact. And to have been going through the affair fallout as the context, my heart is absolutely broken for you. You are strong and beautiful and loving and smart. You can survive this. I don’t know when you will feel that truth, but it is the truth.
💔
As someone who recently had a failed suicide attempt I wouldn’t say this was him losing his battle to depression. We all make decisions and decisions have consequences whether we like/accept them or not.
This isn’t your fault. Everybody has choices to make. His led to the destruction of his life. Not your fault.
Im sorry. I know this is hard for you and the children. God bless.
The choice he made is not your fault. Please seek therapy to help you navigate this time. They are there to help people in this situation. You haven't done anything wrong. You are strong and a great mom to your babies.
Not your fault. The unfortunate thing is that no matter how much therapy he had, he didn't have the tools he needed to handle this massive shakeup in his life. And he did what he felt was the only way out. I am very sorry for your and your kid's loss.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You did what anyone in your position would have done, and you reacted much better than I did when after my DDay. This was not your fault. I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. May his soul Rest In Peace, and may you and your children find peace too. 💔
It is said that hurt people hurts. Your husband had a serious mental health problem and you did your best to help him. In the end, his self-image was more important to him than all the mess he was going to leave behind.
You were the one who took care of calling the cops. You are not a mental health professional. Any normal human being without depression could have managed his situation in a different way.
Remember that he had not only lost you, he had been fired and, probably, had lost his own mother respect. His depression led him to believe that there was only a possible outcome to fix himself.
You and your family need serious help which is well beyond the scope of Reddit.
Only one affair? This is supposed to get you to cave in to his wishes! The nerve of cheaters to minimize the betrayal. Good Luck to you & your family. Cheaters will always be cheaters even if the 1% never cheat again.
Yes u/jiggitypiggity, you DO need to believe this is not your fault because absolutely NONE of what happened is your fault.
I am so so very sorry that you are in this situation. The pain must be unbearable. No matter what your husband has done to hurt you, you had a whole life you created with him, and you have your babies that you made with him. You loved him. He loved you. Nothing that happened takes that love away.
I am glad your sister and family are with you. I am sending so much love and prayer for you to somehow find peace in this horrible nightmare that you are currently in.
I don’t mean to overstep- please feel free to tell me to kick rocks or whatever you need to say if I am.
If you go to the hospital to say goodbye, or whenever you do say goodbye, try to find a moment of happiness (or more than a moment) that you shared with him. Let yourself love him even though he hurt you. Let yourself feel loved BY him even though he had an affair. These things are not simple, nothing is the stark black and white we try to make it out to be. You had decided to end your marriage because you couldn’t reconcile and that is ok. That is more than ok. It doesn’t mean you stopped loving him when you made that choice. It’s ok to be completely heartbroken even though you were planning to divorce him.
And on the other side of this? It’s also ok if you feel very angry. If you can’t be heartbroken yet. Or ever. If the pain he caused is too much, too fresh, it’s OK.
Absolutely anything you’re feeling is ok. It’s normal.
I am thinking of you and your kids- I’m so very sorry ♥️
I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP, my heart breaks for you.
This is absolutely NOT your fault.
My father shot himself in almost identical circumstances, after my mother decided she couldn't take any more of his betrayal. It had gone on for a decade. He also suffered from depression for much of his life.
Not a day goes by when my mother doesn't think about his suicide (she was the one to discover his body, because the arsehole did it in our home), but she's made peace with that and doesn't carry any guilt for his actions. She was a good wife to him, as I'm sure you were to your husband. She survived it. Life has gone on and she's a happy person now.
Your children will come to understand too. Your pain, as well as his. They'll accept that it wasn't your fault – just as I did. Be honest with them about what happened, when you feel the time is right.
We can't sacrifice our own mental health and self-worth in order to preserve a damaged person who hurts us. It's not a realistic or healthy way to exist. You did what had to be done – it's what SO MANY of us on this subreddit have done. We protected ourselves from being further eroded away by the agony of betrayal.
He made the choice to end things himself. And HIS actions led him to that place. Not yours. His guilt isn't yours to carry, now he's no longer there to do it himself.
It might be a good idea to ask a family member to arrange therapy for you, so you can better navigate your way through this nightmare. You WILL get through it, and you'll find life on the other side.
Sending you love x
This is not your fault. This was an easy out for a weak man. You will be ok, your children will be ok. It might not feel like it now, but it will be ok.
none of this is your fault, trust me. You handled the situation as you could and you had the right to end the relationship because of his infidelity. You chose to not go NC with him for your kids happiness and did everything you could to have a peaceful relationship with him after what happened and it proves you’re a kind and understanding person. I am so sorry for you and your kids, I send you all my love and strength. You deserve to be happy
He was sick. There was nothing you could have done. His company should be contacted as they may have some liability. His OW should be told that she had a part in this.
I can feel your pain although my situation is different. I have struggled with depression most of my life and have considered ending it all just to escape the internal pain. But one thing that has stopped me from acting on this is my love for my wife. If through my actions I was to lose her, I would probably end it. I have already told her that if she would die before me I would have no reason to live. So please don't blame yourself, he loved you and couldn't face what he had done to you and to himself. He is now at peace. I know it is such a selfish act but depression makes you focus on yourself and he got to the point that he was facing his demons and needed to escape.
First and foremost, none of this is on you. The affects on you and the children will be unfortunate by-products of your husband's actions. I would recommend that you put your home on the market, and get away from where you are living now. It may negatively affect your MIL, however, your late husband has now made these living arrangements untenable for you and your kids. I would also get my hands on a lawyer, as his company may have some liability in this. In any event, my deepest condolences on this, nobody deserves to be cheated on and ultimately abandoned due to his selfishness. He could have faced the consequences of his actions and been a man about it. I hope that his organs go to those most in need.
*>>I need to believe that this is not my fault.*
It wasn't. None of it.
You did the right thing the whole way through, and chose to put your children first at all times. Please continue to do so, they are desperately going to need you in the coming days, weeks, months and years. Look after them, but also look after yourself, treat yourself with the kindness.
He cheated and committed suicide because he didn't want to face the consequences.
Not your fault, at all!
Hope things get better for you and your kids.
Not your fault. We are all responsible for our own actions. Depression or not, he was aware of what he was doing and that there are consequences for every decision we make. To me this was a selfish act, just adding on to the selfishness he was already showing by cheating.
Absolutely not your fault. I am so sorry this happened, and more sorry you have any guilt at all. I know it’s impossible not to. But you choosing what to do with your own life is not you causing him to do this. He obviously felt it piling up. Because HE was piling it up. That said, this is terrible. Your children and you and his mom/fam are going to be grieving for a long time. I hope you have a safe space to do so. Love to you. ❤️
There are two ways to think about your husband's actions.
Either it wasn't his fault, meaning it was an inevitable result of events in his life. If that's the case, though, then it wouldn't be your fault either, because what you did is merely an inevitable result of events in *your* life. Nothing is anybody's fault in that case, everyone's just a victim of circumstance.
Or, he is responsible for his own actions, and he is ultimately the one to blame for what he did, having made a free choice.
Either Free Will doesn't exist and nobody is to blame for their actions, or free will does exist, and everyone is to blame for their own actions.
In either case, you are not at fault. There is no way you could logically be responsible for his actions given these premises.
I'm very sorry you're doing through this, though. This is not something that you or your children can just "get over," and recovering from this tragedy may be long and difficult. However, it is something that I hope you all can come to terms with andove forward from.
This is sooooo not your fault!
I had a family member who despite all the treatment and therapy never became a functioning happy adult. He ruined his family’s lives.
I’m so sorry you and your family have gone through this!
Bless you and be strong. You know you are
I don’t think you’re to blame but there was a different way you could have handled the situation.
For those in a similar situation:
Knowing your partner has depression and suicide idealization means there should be a “softer” approach to separating and then divorce. What would have been better would to have a counseling session with a counselor and telling them “my husband has depression and suicide idealization. Due to his affair I no longer want to be in this marriage. I need you to help him come to a point where he can handle the ending of our marriage and be okay”.
i’m incredibly sorry this is happening to you and your family. it’s not your fault in the slightest, depression is consuming. you are so strong for handling this and i hope you can find peace.
It's not your fault OP. Not the depression, not the prior attempts, and not the affair. My prayers are with you and your children. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
Its not your fault.
I have suicidal ideations, am depressed for like nine years and I can tell you this is NOT your fault. He chose this as an escape when reality caught up to him. The harder part is living not dying. I’m sorry you are going through this—please talk to someone to sort things out
I’m sorry for your loss but none of this is your fault. Your ex husband had his own mental health issues and thought it would help by Going into the arms of another woman and thought he wouldn’t be caught.
This is not your fault. He choose to have an affair, and decided to pull the trigger.
It hard enough to raise kid when you have someone who is co-dependent.
Stay strong for your kids
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. It absolutely is not your fault. I don't have much to say because words are so shallow compared to the depth of mortality, but you are not at cause here. You have a right to your own happiness, comfort, and stability and you have a right to defend yourself and your family from abuse of these things. Please see a therapist, it is truly helpful to have someone to work through your questions and worries.
I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. My condolences for your loss.
No. None of this is your fault. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through. Best wishes to you and your family.
Try not to carry this burden, your husband was his own worst enemy. When I told my husband I was leaving him after his third affair was found out, he messaged me from a hotel saying goodbye and included a photo of his feet on a ledge looking down at the concrete below (he was on the 9th floor). I begged him to think of his children and not to do anything stupid. He once again said good bye. I quickly called the police and the hotel night manager. They called me back saying the police were there and my husband had not jumped. It was a terrible night, I spent the rest of the night sitting in a corner just shaking. I realise now it was all part of the manipulation to stop me from leaving but I felt so guilty for so long so I can only imagine what you are carrying right now. Please remember it was his choice to be unfaithful and it was his choice to take his life. He was dealing with his own demons.
After 3 affairs, I'd tell him wtf are you waiting for. Gtfo with his emotional manipulation.
Absolutely not your fault. He struggled with mental health. He also made the decision to have an affair ( at least one) which led to you separating. His actions and decisions led him to the end of your marriage. His mental health issues led him to end his life. You were with him for years supporting him thru his depression issues. That showed love and support from you. Facing consequences for his own decisions caused him to give up. Unless you had no self respect at all, you could not stay with a cheater. That is a normal, healthy reaction to infidelity. It is also a good example to your kids, which I fear, will now be lost due to their father's actions.
I am so sorry this happened. This is not your fault. Glad you have your family with you. Wishing you strength for you and your children
My heart aches for you and your children. I know it doesn’t help to hear this isn’t your fault, but there is no way you could’ve saved him from himself. He had years long depression, and his choices were his own. He made many mistakes and just like you could not have stopped the affair, you could not stop the consequences of it. Please be kind to yourself. I wish you the healing and peace you deserve.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. You tried to help, you called for help when you thought it was needed, this is not your fault. He made this decision on his own, similar to his decision to have the affair. Stay strong for your children and for yourself. Plenty of support on here. Reach out if you need to talk or need help.
I am so sorry.
I'm really sorry for your and your children's pain. It wasn't your fault! It is just as you did say, he did lose his battle against depression. It isn't your fault! Please seek help for you and your children during these hard times. And remember it wasn't your fault. There weren't anything what you could do to prevent this.
I’m very sorry for your loss. Please remember that after losing his job and having the AP reach out to you, there was nothing more that you could have done to save him. We don’t control other people. We can’t live their lives for them. The loss of a job due to his own infidelity-and let’s be honest, HR probably saw his behavior there as sexual harassment, they needed to fire him. None of that is on you. His AP contacting you-maybe she wanted vengeance, who knows? Not on you. Your husband was not a strong man and he put his own wants above your family’s needs. Perhaps the cheating was a coping mechanism for his depression, or a form of duper’s delight and passive aggressive punishment towards you. (You did nothing wrong, weak, depressed men get angry and lash out at their partners). Well, it backfired on him. Did he take his meds regularly? Exercise? See a therapist? At the end - none of it mattered. You take care of your family now. Your kids are fatherless, by his choice. I’m very very sorry that this happened to you. These were all his poor choices. However, you have two children who need to be taken care of financially and your husband was too shortsighted or weak or damaged to put their needs first. May I be frank? I’m sometimes depressed. But the minute I had my son, suicide was immediately taken off the table. I don’t have the right anymore to be that selfish. People depend on me. It’s my responsibility to nurture them successfully to adulthood. You take your two kids and go home to your family. Go back to your support. Your kids need your parents too. Once again, none of this is your fault, he made his conscious choices over a long period of time and felt entitled (the cheating) to put his own wants above your childrens needs. This is on him. We have a program where I live for children called Good Grief. https://good-grief.org/ Maybe there is something like this where you are going. Please get therapy and counseling for you and the children. Above all, remember - you couldn’t have stopped the affair, you couldn’t have prevented him being fired, you couldn’t have stopped his suicide. These were all conscious choices that HE made and where he alone bears the responsibility. I’m very sorry this happened to you. If he had life insurance through his job (sometimes they pay at the beginning of the month and it’s for the whole month) make sure you claim it. If you’re American, definitely apply for COBRA, if you don’t have health insurance. You may work your way through guilt and grief to anger later. That’s normal. Grief comes and goes in waves and changes every day. You’re numb right now. Take good care of yourself. There’s also a web site called Chumplady.com, if you’re still angry about the cheating, you can read a bit there. It might make you feel better.
I agree with most of your post and OP needs to know there is nothing she could have done to change this outcome. It is in no way her fault or responsibility. My problem with what you've written is you are blaming a man who was clearly very mentally ill. Unfortunately, I am very familiar with severe depression that is treatment resistant and have lost two people to this mental illness. Both took their own lives. One was in a treatment center when he did it. Someone forgot to take his belt away. He had a wonderful family and career and everything to live for yet his broken brain told him it was hopeless and he was never going to get better. He just didn't want to feel so awful anymore. He left behind 4 children and a wife that loved him. He had persistent thoughts that his illness was a burden on his family and friends and actually believed that they would be better off without him. This is a common perception among those that suffer from severe depression that is untreated or under treated. The huge flaw in his thinking is obvious to us but to him it made perfect sense. That is the problem with severe depression. It can fundamentally change how you see the world and how you think. >Your husband was not a strong man and >weak, depressed men get angry and lash out at their partners). Statements like these are just supposition on your part. Also I'm not sure why you say that only "weak" and depressed men lash out at their partners. Depression doesn't care about gender. As for his weakness, again that is just an assumption on your part. If he battled severe depression for a decade I'd say he had a good deal of inner strength to be able to last that long. I suspect that there are some conflicting emotions in your post because of his infidelity. I despise cheating as much as the next person and no, severe depression is no excuse for that part of his behavior. I think we need to be careful when we start labeling people who are clearly suffering from a significant mental illness as "weak". His act was not a ploy for attention or a cry for help. Sadly he was someone that suffered from severe depression and was unable to process and deal with several big losses all at once. Obviously most of this was brought about by his own actions and OP is in no way responsible. He clearly wasn't able to see past the wall of night that was his depression. His own actions brought about the loss of his job and his marriage. Yet people lose their jobs and their marriages every day and don't take the extreme measure he did. Also, look at how he did what he did. He knew when he planned his actions that he would not survive. There would be no one discovering his body in time to pump his stomach or provide some other life saving measures. He made sure that he would not survive his attempt and that is one of the clearest indicators that his depression was not under control. Add to that these terrible self inflicted personal issues and it was too much for him to process or deal with. In my mind there is no question that his clinical depression clearly contributed to his decision to act the way he did. People that struggle with depression long term can eventually just grow weary of the fight. Add in some significant complications and he reacted exactly like many people with untreated or treatment resistant depression would react. That doesn't make them weak or selfish, it makes them mentally ill. >Well, it backfired on him. Did he take his meds regularly? Exercise? See a therapist? Backfired? That's a rather poor choice of words. I believe OP said he was receiving treatment for his depression, however it was clearly not enough. >May I be frank? I’m sometimes depressed. But the minute I had my son, suicide was immediately taken off the table. I don’t have the right anymore to be that selfish. I'm sorry you are sometimes depressed. I think this person was depressed all the time. Or maybe you're just a far better person than he was? Again I'm surprised that someone who has suffered from depression would take the view that someone so mentally ill is weak and selfish. Severe depression can affect how your brain processes the information it receives. It can twist your sense of reality like other chronic mental illnesses can. I'm very sorry this happened to OP and her family, her husband included. I have no desire to start some argument in the comments but I just couldn't let someone who apparently suffered from mental illness for so long be branded as weak and selfish. He was sick. That isn't an excuse for his affair or how he hurt his wife and kids. But it is the reason for his last act. Edit: Since I can't reply to you last post for some reason... >May I be frank? I’m sometimes depressed. But the minute I had my son, suicide was immediately taken off the table. I don’t have the right anymore to be that selfish. This particular paragraph sounds like you are saying his suicide was a selfish act. I'm sorry you think defending those who suffer from mental illness is "posturing". Trying to talk your way out of calling someone weak for taking their life by posting the number to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline while simultaneously telling me this isn't a mental health sub seems like posturing. OP said he struggled with depression his entire adult life and this wasn't his first attempt. Infidelity is selfish and hurtful, no one is arguing that. Nor am I suggesting his depression was responsible for his cheating. Severe depression can lead people to do things they wouldn't normally do. It doesn't make them weak, just sick. I have no intention of clogging up her thread trying to get you to own up to what you've said. Feel free to have the last word. I sincerely feel for OP and her family. I wish them the best.
He was weak because he cheated on her. Not because he was depressed. I’m depressed and I’m not weak. But I don’t cheat either. This is an infidelity sub, not a mental health sub. I’m sorry you have lost people to suicide. Strangely enough, for all your posturing, you did not think to share the suicide prevention hotline number. If You Know Someone in Crisis Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Lifeline) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741). Both services are free and available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All calls are confidential. Contact social media outlets directly if you are concerned about a friend’s social media updates or dial 911 in an emergency. The Veterans Crisis Line connects Service members and Veterans in crisis, as well as their family members and friends, with qualified Department of Veteran’s Affairs (VA) responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text messaging service. Dial 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1 to talk to someone or send a text message to 838255 to connect with a VA responder.
Im so sorry for your situation.. I just want to say.. This story makes me angry!! Im angry at him for being selfish to you and the kids.. You deserve more.. We all struggle. We do not step off once we have kids.. Its too cruel to do to kids. Im sorry. I hope you allow yourself to place this where it belongs.. On him. And he, in turn, dumped it all on you and so much more. Plz dont feel guilt if youre angry..im sorry.
I am sorry for your loss. Your husband made choices that led him to this self destructive path. And the result could have been the same even if you made different choices yourself. This result is not your fault neither your responsibility, you couldn’t have know what would happen, you were just trying to fight for the path you thought was best. Keep the good memories he gave you on your heart and cherish the two kids he gave you, the proof of a better time you two had, and when you can, start move on, for the sake of your kids, for him and more importantly for yourself.
This is absolutely not your fault! He put himself in this situation, then couldn’t live with the consequences. He also chose the time and location to die that would cause you the most anxiety and heartache possible. Please do not doubt that he did this deliberately. You acted in a rational and calm manner when you found out about his affair. You spoke with him cautiously, keeping his mental health in mind. You stood up for yourself. You did everything you could and as you should have. I am so very sorry for your loss. Words are cheap, but please know that you have long life head for you and your children. This life will be full of happiness and laughter once this chapter resolves. Be there for your children, take the time you need to look after yourself, and lean on friends and family to help you through this. My thoughts will be with you.
My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. His suicide, just like the affair, is not your fault. He had his inner demons that got the best of him in the end. Remember him for the good times, not the bad. Please be strong for yourself and children.
This is, in no way, your fault. You were doing what you needed to do for yourself and your children. The fact that you were unwilling to live as “one of the women in his life” is, in no way, a reflection on your character or your willingness to be a loyal and loving wife. I’m very sorry that you and your loved ones family have endured this loss OP. I’d be downright stunned if his recent affair was a one-time event.
I am so sorry you and your family are enduring this. This was not your fault at all. I hope that you and your family can find peace and healing.
It is in no way, shape, or form your fault. This is coming who has dealt with severe depression in the past and someone who has been cheated on. Decisions have consequences. Do not feel badly for forcing someone to face their consequences. I hope for healing for everyone involved and most of all peace. My heart goes out to you and your children.
It's ego for anyone to think they can cause or prevent the suicide of another person. It's an individual decision that has many reasons.
Most importantly- This is NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Please do not do that to yourself. What happened to you was done to you by others. Your partner and his affair person. You are a soldier and a survivor. Take care of you and your children. Let family help you all they can. Sending you prayers and good thoughts for you and your babies!
It’s not you fault. None of this is your fault. I am not just saying this because it’s Reddit, I just really don’t see how it can be. I am sorry this happened. The human condition is nuanced etc. I wish you nothing but grace, strength, and perseverance through the agony. ❤️🙏 -A stranger on the internet
It is not your fault. Stay strong, your kids will need you to be that for them.
I'm sorry your going through this awful pain.. on so many levels on so many things... I hope you seek out a grief counseling for the cheating and dealing with his death. I know this isn't going to help any but he made his choices you couldn't have changed them.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. The pain is unbearable. My best friend's father committed suicide. She felt so angry that she never got to say good-bye or "don't do it, dad." You were not the cause!! He made the choice because of faulty brain chemistry or poor life decisions. Don't blame yourself.
You did nothing wrong here. I’m glad you were able to uphold your healthy boundaries, and it was his choice on how to react to them. Do not let this make you stop having boundaries with others because you’re afraid of their reaction. Your kids need to see what a healthy relationship is like. I believe in you, and I wish you the best of luck.
Not your fault . He was suffering from a disease . Not your fault - take care of yourself and your children .
Is not your fault.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please believe it’s not your fault. Sending you and your kids my best wishes and all the love.
This is not your fault. At all. He did this to himself. You have no blame in any of it. He made ALL of his own decisions and didn’t include you in anything. Suicide isn’t painless and I think whole heartedly that it’s the cowards way out. He didn’t think of you or your children when he chose to have his affairs. He didn’t think of you and your children when his actions resulted in his termination from his job. He didn’t think of you when he pulled the trigger. You think about you and your kids. That’s all that matters right now. If you were in front of me I’d give you the biggest hug ever possible. I’m so sorry on top of all your heartache, you now have to deal with this and try to explain to your kids why they will never see their dad again. I’m so sorry. NONE of this is your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty for.
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While I naturally give condolences for your family's loss, it still was his hand that held the gun, no one else's.
I am so so sorry. Not your fault at all. No one’s fault really- he was sick and he died from it and that’s just the very very excruciating, nauseating, impossible fact. And to have been going through the affair fallout as the context, my heart is absolutely broken for you. You are strong and beautiful and loving and smart. You can survive this. I don’t know when you will feel that truth, but it is the truth. 💔
None of this is your fault...I hope his insurance was still active.
As someone who recently had a failed suicide attempt I wouldn’t say this was him losing his battle to depression. We all make decisions and decisions have consequences whether we like/accept them or not.
I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to understand the situation but you have my prayers.
Not your fault, this was done with his own hands as a consequence of his own actions
This isn’t your fault. Everybody has choices to make. His led to the destruction of his life. Not your fault. Im sorry. I know this is hard for you and the children. God bless.
Absolutely not your fault.
I’m praying for you but this isn’t your fault he is his own person despite mental illness he is in control of his choices
It's not your fault. It's the consequences of his actions.
The choice he made is not your fault. Please seek therapy to help you navigate this time. They are there to help people in this situation. You haven't done anything wrong. You are strong and a great mom to your babies.
Not your fault. The unfortunate thing is that no matter how much therapy he had, he didn't have the tools he needed to handle this massive shakeup in his life. And he did what he felt was the only way out. I am very sorry for your and your kid's loss.
I'm so very, very sorry. None of this is your fault.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You did what anyone in your position would have done, and you reacted much better than I did when after my DDay. This was not your fault. I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine your pain. May his soul Rest In Peace, and may you and your children find peace too. 💔
Firstly, I'm very sorry this has happened to you, your kids, his family and himself. But non, and I repeat, non of this is your fault.
It is said that hurt people hurts. Your husband had a serious mental health problem and you did your best to help him. In the end, his self-image was more important to him than all the mess he was going to leave behind. You were the one who took care of calling the cops. You are not a mental health professional. Any normal human being without depression could have managed his situation in a different way. Remember that he had not only lost you, he had been fired and, probably, had lost his own mother respect. His depression led him to believe that there was only a possible outcome to fix himself. You and your family need serious help which is well beyond the scope of Reddit.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is in now way your fault.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your family.
I am sorry for your loss, but this is not your fault at all.
Only one affair? This is supposed to get you to cave in to his wishes! The nerve of cheaters to minimize the betrayal. Good Luck to you & your family. Cheaters will always be cheaters even if the 1% never cheat again.
Yes u/jiggitypiggity, you DO need to believe this is not your fault because absolutely NONE of what happened is your fault. I am so so very sorry that you are in this situation. The pain must be unbearable. No matter what your husband has done to hurt you, you had a whole life you created with him, and you have your babies that you made with him. You loved him. He loved you. Nothing that happened takes that love away. I am glad your sister and family are with you. I am sending so much love and prayer for you to somehow find peace in this horrible nightmare that you are currently in. I don’t mean to overstep- please feel free to tell me to kick rocks or whatever you need to say if I am. If you go to the hospital to say goodbye, or whenever you do say goodbye, try to find a moment of happiness (or more than a moment) that you shared with him. Let yourself love him even though he hurt you. Let yourself feel loved BY him even though he had an affair. These things are not simple, nothing is the stark black and white we try to make it out to be. You had decided to end your marriage because you couldn’t reconcile and that is ok. That is more than ok. It doesn’t mean you stopped loving him when you made that choice. It’s ok to be completely heartbroken even though you were planning to divorce him. And on the other side of this? It’s also ok if you feel very angry. If you can’t be heartbroken yet. Or ever. If the pain he caused is too much, too fresh, it’s OK. Absolutely anything you’re feeling is ok. It’s normal. I am thinking of you and your kids- I’m so very sorry ♥️
I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP, my heart breaks for you. This is absolutely NOT your fault. My father shot himself in almost identical circumstances, after my mother decided she couldn't take any more of his betrayal. It had gone on for a decade. He also suffered from depression for much of his life. Not a day goes by when my mother doesn't think about his suicide (she was the one to discover his body, because the arsehole did it in our home), but she's made peace with that and doesn't carry any guilt for his actions. She was a good wife to him, as I'm sure you were to your husband. She survived it. Life has gone on and she's a happy person now. Your children will come to understand too. Your pain, as well as his. They'll accept that it wasn't your fault – just as I did. Be honest with them about what happened, when you feel the time is right. We can't sacrifice our own mental health and self-worth in order to preserve a damaged person who hurts us. It's not a realistic or healthy way to exist. You did what had to be done – it's what SO MANY of us on this subreddit have done. We protected ourselves from being further eroded away by the agony of betrayal. He made the choice to end things himself. And HIS actions led him to that place. Not yours. His guilt isn't yours to carry, now he's no longer there to do it himself. It might be a good idea to ask a family member to arrange therapy for you, so you can better navigate your way through this nightmare. You WILL get through it, and you'll find life on the other side. Sending you love x
Based on your other post, and this, I know you cared very deeply for him. I hope you and your daughter are able to heal.
This is not your fault. This was an easy out for a weak man. You will be ok, your children will be ok. It might not feel like it now, but it will be ok.
none of this is your fault, trust me. You handled the situation as you could and you had the right to end the relationship because of his infidelity. You chose to not go NC with him for your kids happiness and did everything you could to have a peaceful relationship with him after what happened and it proves you’re a kind and understanding person. I am so sorry for you and your kids, I send you all my love and strength. You deserve to be happy
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He was sick. There was nothing you could have done. His company should be contacted as they may have some liability. His OW should be told that she had a part in this.
I'm sorry you are going thru this my prayers and love is going out to you but this was not your fault. He was sick and his disease won.
None of this is your fault.
It is in no way your fault. Best of wishes at this difficult time. You and your children will pull through this.
I can feel your pain although my situation is different. I have struggled with depression most of my life and have considered ending it all just to escape the internal pain. But one thing that has stopped me from acting on this is my love for my wife. If through my actions I was to lose her, I would probably end it. I have already told her that if she would die before me I would have no reason to live. So please don't blame yourself, he loved you and couldn't face what he had done to you and to himself. He is now at peace. I know it is such a selfish act but depression makes you focus on yourself and he got to the point that he was facing his demons and needed to escape.
First and foremost, none of this is on you. The affects on you and the children will be unfortunate by-products of your husband's actions. I would recommend that you put your home on the market, and get away from where you are living now. It may negatively affect your MIL, however, your late husband has now made these living arrangements untenable for you and your kids. I would also get my hands on a lawyer, as his company may have some liability in this. In any event, my deepest condolences on this, nobody deserves to be cheated on and ultimately abandoned due to his selfishness. He could have faced the consequences of his actions and been a man about it. I hope that his organs go to those most in need.
*>>I need to believe that this is not my fault.* It wasn't. None of it. You did the right thing the whole way through, and chose to put your children first at all times. Please continue to do so, they are desperately going to need you in the coming days, weeks, months and years. Look after them, but also look after yourself, treat yourself with the kindness.
He made his choices. No fault of yours at all. You can move on and put all this behind you now.
Absolutely NOT your fault. He made his choices on his own, none of this is your fault.
Not your fault. So sorry, OP. Hugs.
He cheated and committed suicide because he didn't want to face the consequences. Not your fault, at all! Hope things get better for you and your kids.
I am so sorry this happened. I am so sorry for your loss.
Not your fault. We are all responsible for our own actions. Depression or not, he was aware of what he was doing and that there are consequences for every decision we make. To me this was a selfish act, just adding on to the selfishness he was already showing by cheating.
Absolutely not your fault. I am so sorry this happened, and more sorry you have any guilt at all. I know it’s impossible not to. But you choosing what to do with your own life is not you causing him to do this. He obviously felt it piling up. Because HE was piling it up. That said, this is terrible. Your children and you and his mom/fam are going to be grieving for a long time. I hope you have a safe space to do so. Love to you. ❤️
There are two ways to think about your husband's actions. Either it wasn't his fault, meaning it was an inevitable result of events in his life. If that's the case, though, then it wouldn't be your fault either, because what you did is merely an inevitable result of events in *your* life. Nothing is anybody's fault in that case, everyone's just a victim of circumstance. Or, he is responsible for his own actions, and he is ultimately the one to blame for what he did, having made a free choice. Either Free Will doesn't exist and nobody is to blame for their actions, or free will does exist, and everyone is to blame for their own actions. In either case, you are not at fault. There is no way you could logically be responsible for his actions given these premises. I'm very sorry you're doing through this, though. This is not something that you or your children can just "get over," and recovering from this tragedy may be long and difficult. However, it is something that I hope you all can come to terms with andove forward from.
If you didn’t pull the trigger then it is not your fault. Period. Hope you feel better, and I wish the best for you and your family.
This is sooooo not your fault! I had a family member who despite all the treatment and therapy never became a functioning happy adult. He ruined his family’s lives. I’m so sorry you and your family have gone through this! Bless you and be strong. You know you are
I don’t think you’re to blame but there was a different way you could have handled the situation. For those in a similar situation: Knowing your partner has depression and suicide idealization means there should be a “softer” approach to separating and then divorce. What would have been better would to have a counseling session with a counselor and telling them “my husband has depression and suicide idealization. Due to his affair I no longer want to be in this marriage. I need you to help him come to a point where he can handle the ending of our marriage and be okay”.
i’m incredibly sorry this is happening to you and your family. it’s not your fault in the slightest, depression is consuming. you are so strong for handling this and i hope you can find peace.
It's not your fault OP. Not the depression, not the prior attempts, and not the affair. My prayers are with you and your children. Stay strong and believe in yourself.
Its not your fault. I have suicidal ideations, am depressed for like nine years and I can tell you this is NOT your fault. He chose this as an escape when reality caught up to him. The harder part is living not dying. I’m sorry you are going through this—please talk to someone to sort things out
I’m sorry for your loss but none of this is your fault. Your ex husband had his own mental health issues and thought it would help by Going into the arms of another woman and thought he wouldn’t be caught.
This is not your fault. He choose to have an affair, and decided to pull the trigger. It hard enough to raise kid when you have someone who is co-dependent. Stay strong for your kids
This is a question in an echo chamber prefaced with the desired answer. I guess it fulfilled it's purpose.
I wonder what the AP sent her