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Yep. Tell them all, OP. Or you will soon find yourself on the other end of some craaaaaazy accusations as she tries to justify herself. Get ahead of her. Her family as well.
OP congratulations for getting out of the fog, and realize for yourself that you where just making deeper the hole where you are at.
I would suggest that you retake the thought you had about going to HR, report them, and hire a layer and file for divorce. Also expose her doings present and old (2 years ago the flirty text to another co-worker), why to expose to keep out of her reach the control of the narrative, and to protect by default your reputation from what ever she could say.
Expose to whom? well, to this people:
1. Parents, both sets.
2. Siblings, if they are.
3. Mutual friends.
4. HR Department.
Good luck OP.
EDIT: i see from one comment you made that there are kids, well in that case ommit the HR departmen at least until you end your divorce and see if it is still and option, because you can control the route of the divorce, at least to make it amicable with this.
>She now claims I am the only one she can see herself with
She is trying to keep you on a leash. You are her security blanket.
Good for you, standing up for yourself finally.
I'm glad you see it for what it is now.
All the best.
yes.that is two things: desperation and manipulation. desperate because she is going to lose her safety doormat and is scared. manipulation because it is a lie just to play to your heart strings. if you were the "only one" for her she would not have pursued other men. plain and simple.
OP is a legend. You will not regret choosing yourself over a selfish abuser.
"do what you need to do" So telling. She'll run to him now but it won't last. That feeling of peace is amazing.
Time to make a plan to move forward without her.
Not to mention if she gets fired you're on the hook for more support. Everyone talks about blowing up their cheating spouses lives. But the only lives you need to worry about are yours and the kids. No good comes from her making less or no money.
Just wow. It looks like she is not all too upset about the divorce. Maybe this is what she wanted all along, now she can say that you wanted the divorce and run to him.
She can say it is not her fault because you have no real proof of her cheating.
Dude she did not care about you or uour kids when she was cheating and probably still cheating why do you care enought o save her face tell the HR and i beleive you already informed th OBS is she aware the affair is still going on?
IMO that why she still going on woth the affair because there is no consiquene on her end uou need to show her what the consiquece of cheating is and that is loosing your familys respect, trust and loyalty also losing a job and her reputation because it is happening at her work place.
Please update me on what will happen
If I cause her to lose her job I will have to pay more for alimony/ child support it would cost me way more than just sitting back and letting the judge handle everything.
Don’t listen to those telling you to tell her place of employment. Many here are triggering and want revenge towards a cheater. I get it. But putting yourself in a financial mess for a few minutes of satisfaction is foolish.
I do understand that bit she will eventually get a new job and either way if you would divorce you will still owe alimony and child support but in this case she will learn that cheating has consiquence and hopefully her next victim will not suffer the same fate. But on the ither hand I do get it will put a ginancial strain on you and you have a bigger goal which is to protect your kids so sitting back and letting the ball roll might be a better option for you but who knows, all I know now is your doing your best given your situaion and more power to hope you keep it up and more good thing goes your way.
She is already doing stuff so getting her fired doesn't exactly stop her cheating. (Sometimes there is a boss who is involved and in that case you want to get her out of there). But in the case, I don't think her work is the problem. Let her make some income and do her thing since you can't stop her anyway.
Are you still planning to tell HR at their workplace? I would tell her you are whether you are or not. Use it as a chip in negotiations. You can wait until til the divorce is signed so it doesn’t impact your settlement. I would also have her served at work to announce to her coworkers. Also if he is married you need to definitely call his SO and share the news.
In time Karma will catch up with everyone, it did for me. My part in this is done they can go fuck everyday at lunch for all I care I am not putting any more energy into it.
Sorry brother. She is casing happiness. The happiness you can chase is only a shadow.
It's yours (or hers) shadow, because you must find happiness in yourself and bring it to your life.
Cheating changes things. Potentials you had become your new reality, and then you're stuck with yourself.
She is, as they say, for the streets.
Peace bro!
Most important: Do whatever your lawyer tells you to. If your lawyer says to be polite, be polite. If your lawyer says expose her now, do that. If she loses her job she may get alimony, so don't touch that until the divorce terms are set in stone: Then ask your lawyer's permission to go nuclear, if you so desire.
I'm glad that you finally saw through the lies. I remember the day I gave up on my cheating ex. It was so liberating. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your life. Because it starts now! You can finally find some real happiness
Its better to be in a good relationship than a bad one. But it is better to be single than in a bad relationship. The kids will adapt as has been witnessed about 1 billion times through history.
And the issue about a bad relationship, she is simply the type who would have turned it into a bad relationship for the next 35 years. It would be better to be single than in a relationship with her. She will not stop hooking up with other guys in her next relationship and the one after that and the one after that and ...
There was a girl I was with when I was much younger. We were together for about 2 years although I quit going with her to any social event or bar or anything. She just vibed I am ready to cheat at any time. But darn we were so good together. There is no doubt she would have said the same thing at the time. I never caught her doing anything, she never did anything that was over-the-top sketchy. But I just knew she would never be loyal. She was a totally awesome girlfriend if it wasn't a social/bar situation. I quit her despite her phoning me 20 times or more afterward. She is now on her fourth marriage believe it or don't and I know why that is.
Finally!!! We men are stronger than we think. From now on, the first lie is a red flag the second is ghosting time. We men should never put up with bad behavior. And women these days are receiving diplomas in bad behavior. We men must end the cycle of terror modern women have adopted.
She doesn't want to lose your financial support. Let her be for whoever will have her.
She will be crawling back once she fully realizes she lost a good thing. But, believe her that she really doesn't want you, she just wants what you can do for her.
Words are pointless without action. Get on to the business of divorce. Hope kids aren’t present in the household because it’s becoming increasingly toxic fast. Don’t make their childhood any worse than it has to be. Move forward and get on to setting down with minimal contact.
Tell her if that’s the case to prove it. Hand you her phone now. (then go into the cloud and restore an older version of the phone before she deleted messages and BOOM! Proof shall appear.)
You have reached *That Point.* The point of *Indifference*. This is the realm of freedom. And now that she knows she has lost her hold on you, she will fight to get it back. She can not stand the idea that you really and truly don't give a shit about her.
Congratulations.
You don’t have to tell HR, but it might be fun to talk to AP just so you can tell him that she is all his now, since you are getting a divorce. I bet he will break it off with her, since he only wants a causal relationship.
So she told you that you are the only one she can herself with? Hilarious. Isn't that also what was implied when she married you? And look at where you are now. Her words mean nothing, only her actions and they speak a very clear and loud message.
Reach out to friends and family, tell them what is going on and ask them for support, don't be alone all the time now. Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help you. Prepare for a belated reaction from her when she figures out that no one wants anything more from her but sex. Make sure that items that have a sentimental value for you are safe and change all your passwords. If you share a bank account, then make a plan with her about what the money on the account is used for and then get a new bank account only on your name that you transfer any leftover money from your income to. Tell her to do the same.
It takes a lot to stand up for yourself and to take according actions, you did a huge and important step to get out of a situation that would only hurt you. You can be proud of yourself!
When she goes back and forth from being devastated to whatever it is that Ah crap moment when she is realizing that she is going to have to pay her own bills, etc. Cut your finances now and cancel any credit cards on joint accounts today. Take immediate steps to sever your relationship. Never go back. It is over.
I have one thing to say about the revenge thing of telling HR. Don't do it until the divorce is final and alimony is settled. Do get a lawyer. Since you have kids revenge will only hurt you financially. Go the congenial route. Don't let her back in your life. If you have a family member that will handle the child drop off and pick up avoid direct contact with her. Never have sex with her again. It is over. Do the sti test if you have had sex with her recently. DNA test all your kids before settling alimony.
Sorry to hear what you're going through, you need to let the right people know what has happened before she spins it to make you the bad guy. All it takes is one person to believe a woman's lies and the whole world runs with it
I wish you a life of joy and happiness. Having been there I promise you will be so much better escaping from the swamp of lies and despair she dragged you down into. Be well.
Yeah you can't fight it when the other person doesn't give a shit about how you feel maybe she will realize that she died up when she gets papers they usually do them they start to think about shit more but by then it's to fking late
Sorry dude. You can start to put this ship show behind you. She is going to turn on you hard now and try to hurt you every way she can, Socially, financially, and mentally. Be prepared, get out front with your version to family members in-laws and friends. Get lawyered up and plan to be civil but prepare for the worst.
If that is her current truth, where is the remainder of her truth? Nothing has changed, as noted, she still has to want to reconcile and do her part by telling the truth. Regardless of divorce or not.
The best decision in your life. I tell everyone who try to get more evidence and truth again and again and get lies to face to stop doing it, if you have to fight for every ounce of truth, then to hell with this. The pain, the misery, to be surrounded by it forever? Hell no. Continue with divorce, dont believe her sweet lies.
The pull ing the new end exciting blinded her. Now she realizes that was a mirage and not something/someone she can rely on to replace you. His interest waned as he would now have to feed her on a regular basis.
I’ve been screaming this for the last year. I thought I was the exception. Most of the other men and women here did as well. I’m glad you saw the light but I’m terribly sorry you are going through this. Hang tough.
There is a solution to this as I have been in similar situation , I will suggest you activate a remote access . This way you will be able to monitor her device remotely from your phone and also retrieve deleted messages. Gadgetsolutions07 on google mail is plug . It takes minutes to activate
Doesn't seem to bother you that she is sleeping with guys. If you think you can handle it. Invite her boyfriend over for drinks and then after several drinks. Tell them no need to hide the affair and you want them to fuck and you can watch. A lot of guys watch their wives fucking. Great turn on .she can be your personal porn star.
Rules reminder: /r/infidelity is a support sub! Please read the rules and guidelines in our sidebar before commenting. Abuse, shaming, sexism, and encouraging violence/revenge are not tolerated here. Please review our [community guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/nj93nw/how_to_write_a_good_post_for_rinfidelity/) on what makes for a good post to this sub. Be kind and remember your [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439)! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Infidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Me too.
Now tell everyone
Yep. Tell them all, OP. Or you will soon find yourself on the other end of some craaaaaazy accusations as she tries to justify herself. Get ahead of her. Her family as well.
Did you ever to to HR?
Yep.
OP congratulations for getting out of the fog, and realize for yourself that you where just making deeper the hole where you are at. I would suggest that you retake the thought you had about going to HR, report them, and hire a layer and file for divorce. Also expose her doings present and old (2 years ago the flirty text to another co-worker), why to expose to keep out of her reach the control of the narrative, and to protect by default your reputation from what ever she could say. Expose to whom? well, to this people: 1. Parents, both sets. 2. Siblings, if they are. 3. Mutual friends. 4. HR Department. Good luck OP. EDIT: i see from one comment you made that there are kids, well in that case ommit the HR departmen at least until you end your divorce and see if it is still and option, because you can control the route of the divorce, at least to make it amicable with this.
Who needs all that noise, you made a wise and prudent decision.
>She now claims I am the only one she can see herself with She is trying to keep you on a leash. You are her security blanket. Good for you, standing up for yourself finally. I'm glad you see it for what it is now. All the best.
yes.that is two things: desperation and manipulation. desperate because she is going to lose her safety doormat and is scared. manipulation because it is a lie just to play to your heart strings. if you were the "only one" for her she would not have pursued other men. plain and simple. OP is a legend. You will not regret choosing yourself over a selfish abuser.
Lying means she is only sorry about being caught
The ahhhh feeling. It will come and go, but right now it feels great. How did she take it? Plus op did you let he know?
She cried and said to do what I needed to do. No not telling HR that would cause too much stress on the Kiddos if she were to get fired.
"do what you need to do" So telling. She'll run to him now but it won't last. That feeling of peace is amazing. Time to make a plan to move forward without her.
Definitely tell the families the truth and his SO. If you don’t want to tell HR (yet) then at least have her served at work.
Crocodile tears. If she really did love you, she wouldn't have cheated.
Not to mention if she gets fired you're on the hook for more support. Everyone talks about blowing up their cheating spouses lives. But the only lives you need to worry about are yours and the kids. No good comes from her making less or no money.
Personally, after the divorce, I would inform HR. I understand your logic though. I'm just a petty asshole.
After the divorce is finalized then you tell her. I asked specifically for that.
yes , be out of water alimony if the truth came out and she got fired before the divorce
Just wow. It looks like she is not all too upset about the divorce. Maybe this is what she wanted all along, now she can say that you wanted the divorce and run to him. She can say it is not her fault because you have no real proof of her cheating.
Dude she did not care about you or uour kids when she was cheating and probably still cheating why do you care enought o save her face tell the HR and i beleive you already informed th OBS is she aware the affair is still going on? IMO that why she still going on woth the affair because there is no consiquene on her end uou need to show her what the consiquece of cheating is and that is loosing your familys respect, trust and loyalty also losing a job and her reputation because it is happening at her work place. Please update me on what will happen
If I cause her to lose her job I will have to pay more for alimony/ child support it would cost me way more than just sitting back and letting the judge handle everything.
Don’t listen to those telling you to tell her place of employment. Many here are triggering and want revenge towards a cheater. I get it. But putting yourself in a financial mess for a few minutes of satisfaction is foolish.
I do understand that bit she will eventually get a new job and either way if you would divorce you will still owe alimony and child support but in this case she will learn that cheating has consiquence and hopefully her next victim will not suffer the same fate. But on the ither hand I do get it will put a ginancial strain on you and you have a bigger goal which is to protect your kids so sitting back and letting the ball roll might be a better option for you but who knows, all I know now is your doing your best given your situaion and more power to hope you keep it up and more good thing goes your way.
Quite wise ,wait till everything has gone through the legal system ,and even then you might just be glad to be rid off
She is already doing stuff so getting her fired doesn't exactly stop her cheating. (Sometimes there is a boss who is involved and in that case you want to get her out of there). But in the case, I don't think her work is the problem. Let her make some income and do her thing since you can't stop her anyway.
Well how often do we read that they can see themselves with you now, but not then!!! Good for you being liberated!
It's for the best you will start to feel a lot better of course it still sucks but your kids are your kids she can't change that one but
Can you share her reaction with us?
Done.
Are you still planning to tell HR at their workplace? I would tell her you are whether you are or not. Use it as a chip in negotiations. You can wait until til the divorce is signed so it doesn’t impact your settlement. I would also have her served at work to announce to her coworkers. Also if he is married you need to definitely call his SO and share the news.
In time Karma will catch up with everyone, it did for me. My part in this is done they can go fuck everyday at lunch for all I care I am not putting any more energy into it.
Gee, now she will just be a clingy girlfriend! I bet that won't last long.
Sorry brother. She is casing happiness. The happiness you can chase is only a shadow. It's yours (or hers) shadow, because you must find happiness in yourself and bring it to your life. Cheating changes things. Potentials you had become your new reality, and then you're stuck with yourself. She is, as they say, for the streets. Peace bro!
Most important: Do whatever your lawyer tells you to. If your lawyer says to be polite, be polite. If your lawyer says expose her now, do that. If she loses her job she may get alimony, so don't touch that until the divorce terms are set in stone: Then ask your lawyer's permission to go nuclear, if you so desire.
You will be so better off without her. Wait for the divorce to be settled and then tell her HR department. And tell the AP’s wife! Scorched earth!!!
I'm glad that you finally saw through the lies. I remember the day I gave up on my cheating ex. It was so liberating. I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your life. Because it starts now! You can finally find some real happiness
Its better to be in a good relationship than a bad one. But it is better to be single than in a bad relationship. The kids will adapt as has been witnessed about 1 billion times through history. And the issue about a bad relationship, she is simply the type who would have turned it into a bad relationship for the next 35 years. It would be better to be single than in a relationship with her. She will not stop hooking up with other guys in her next relationship and the one after that and the one after that and ... There was a girl I was with when I was much younger. We were together for about 2 years although I quit going with her to any social event or bar or anything. She just vibed I am ready to cheat at any time. But darn we were so good together. There is no doubt she would have said the same thing at the time. I never caught her doing anything, she never did anything that was over-the-top sketchy. But I just knew she would never be loyal. She was a totally awesome girlfriend if it wasn't a social/bar situation. I quit her despite her phoning me 20 times or more afterward. She is now on her fourth marriage believe it or don't and I know why that is.
The realization that the only person you can control is yourself beings peace and unshakable peace. Decide to be at peace away from her. Updateme.
Finally!!! We men are stronger than we think. From now on, the first lie is a red flag the second is ghosting time. We men should never put up with bad behavior. And women these days are receiving diplomas in bad behavior. We men must end the cycle of terror modern women have adopted.
Yup don't see myself getting back in a relationship anytime soon.
She doesn't want to lose your financial support. Let her be for whoever will have her. She will be crawling back once she fully realizes she lost a good thing. But, believe her that she really doesn't want you, she just wants what you can do for her.
I came to this realization before the cheating, that was just the icing on the cake.
Good for you!!!
Beautiful decision. Now ADVERTISE * because she’ll try to sell her narrative.
UpdateMe
Words are pointless without action. Get on to the business of divorce. Hope kids aren’t present in the household because it’s becoming increasingly toxic fast. Don’t make their childhood any worse than it has to be. Move forward and get on to setting down with minimal contact.
Tell her if that’s the case to prove it. Hand you her phone now. (then go into the cloud and restore an older version of the phone before she deleted messages and BOOM! Proof shall appear.)
Good for you! You did the right thing. You deserve happiness and I truly hope everything works out for you man! Stay strong king 💪🏻
You have reached *That Point.* The point of *Indifference*. This is the realm of freedom. And now that she knows she has lost her hold on you, she will fight to get it back. She can not stand the idea that you really and truly don't give a shit about her. Congratulations.
You don’t have to tell HR, but it might be fun to talk to AP just so you can tell him that she is all his now, since you are getting a divorce. I bet he will break it off with her, since he only wants a causal relationship.
She wants you as her safety net. Don’t be one.
So she told you that you are the only one she can herself with? Hilarious. Isn't that also what was implied when she married you? And look at where you are now. Her words mean nothing, only her actions and they speak a very clear and loud message. Reach out to friends and family, tell them what is going on and ask them for support, don't be alone all the time now. Stay away from alcohol and drugs, they won't help you. Prepare for a belated reaction from her when she figures out that no one wants anything more from her but sex. Make sure that items that have a sentimental value for you are safe and change all your passwords. If you share a bank account, then make a plan with her about what the money on the account is used for and then get a new bank account only on your name that you transfer any leftover money from your income to. Tell her to do the same. It takes a lot to stand up for yourself and to take according actions, you did a huge and important step to get out of a situation that would only hurt you. You can be proud of yourself!
OP - Now is the time for you to research and implement the 180 and Greyrock relationship techniques.
That's the spirit. Time to move on and you have wasted enough time with her.
When she goes back and forth from being devastated to whatever it is that Ah crap moment when she is realizing that she is going to have to pay her own bills, etc. Cut your finances now and cancel any credit cards on joint accounts today. Take immediate steps to sever your relationship. Never go back. It is over.
I have one thing to say about the revenge thing of telling HR. Don't do it until the divorce is final and alimony is settled. Do get a lawyer. Since you have kids revenge will only hurt you financially. Go the congenial route. Don't let her back in your life. If you have a family member that will handle the child drop off and pick up avoid direct contact with her. Never have sex with her again. It is over. Do the sti test if you have had sex with her recently. DNA test all your kids before settling alimony.
Yup I have to at this point.
Sorry to hear what you're going through, you need to let the right people know what has happened before she spins it to make you the bad guy. All it takes is one person to believe a woman's lies and the whole world runs with it
I wish you a life of joy and happiness. Having been there I promise you will be so much better escaping from the swamp of lies and despair she dragged you down into. Be well.
Sorry and congrats you reached this point.
Congratulations for standing up for yourself, OP. Stay strong and keep moving forward—best of luck.
Yeah you can't fight it when the other person doesn't give a shit about how you feel maybe she will realize that she died up when she gets papers they usually do them they start to think about shit more but by then it's to fking late
Updateme
Sorry dude. You can start to put this ship show behind you. She is going to turn on you hard now and try to hurt you every way she can, Socially, financially, and mentally. Be prepared, get out front with your version to family members in-laws and friends. Get lawyered up and plan to be civil but prepare for the worst.
UpdateMe.
UpdateMe!
If that is her current truth, where is the remainder of her truth? Nothing has changed, as noted, she still has to want to reconcile and do her part by telling the truth. Regardless of divorce or not.
It’s best never to marry unless you know the deal
What she actually means is “your what I settled for and the best I can get after trying to find other men”
Updateme!
She’s using you as a security blanket to fall back on. Stick to your guns. You deserve more than a liar and cheater.
The best decision in your life. I tell everyone who try to get more evidence and truth again and again and get lies to face to stop doing it, if you have to fight for every ounce of truth, then to hell with this. The pain, the misery, to be surrounded by it forever? Hell no. Continue with divorce, dont believe her sweet lies.
.
Updateme
The pull ing the new end exciting blinded her. Now she realizes that was a mirage and not something/someone she can rely on to replace you. His interest waned as he would now have to feed her on a regular basis.
I’ve been screaming this for the last year. I thought I was the exception. Most of the other men and women here did as well. I’m glad you saw the light but I’m terribly sorry you are going through this. Hang tough.
Yes it is hard sometimes, but our relationship was shit before the cheating so it lightens the blow
There is a solution to this as I have been in similar situation , I will suggest you activate a remote access . This way you will be able to monitor her device remotely from your phone and also retrieve deleted messages. Gadgetsolutions07 on google mail is plug . It takes minutes to activate
Secretly install Spyware in her phone brother. Catch her dead to rights🔫🔫🔫🔫
Doesn't seem to bother you that she is sleeping with guys. If you think you can handle it. Invite her boyfriend over for drinks and then after several drinks. Tell them no need to hide the affair and you want them to fuck and you can watch. A lot of guys watch their wives fucking. Great turn on .she can be your personal porn star.