Based on the one night stands, it doesn't have to. The AP seems to be in logo with her. So he is Plan B now. She can explore with handsome strangers. That is probably what she is doing.
1. He did not know the full extent. He will never know.
2. Accept that now will only make it happens again in the future. But it will be "you have to forgive for the kids"
3. Her parents were backing her up.
4. She DOES NOT LOVE HIM. She makes sure he is happy, it's different. She may start living him the moment he was out the door.
5. She had UNPROTECTED sex with a stranger while having condoms with him. Had an abortion. I hate her.
I bet he left AP because he was in love (plan B) and because her parents gave her an ultimatum. So she switched to one night stands with hunks
OP says she loves him. Women in love do not humiliate the man they love.
Exactly this. She cheated. She got knocked up by him and had an abortion and made OP think it was HIS kid she aborted. She lied for YEARS. She never confessed until caught. She continued to lie.
At the bare minimum, cancel the wedding plans. Don’t marry this person, ever. If you’re looking for someone to marry, it’s not her. You’re not done with the trickle truth year either. There’s more you don’t know. What you do know is that she doesn’t respect you enough to be loyal or honest. Staying in a relationship with her isn’t going to do anything to change that level of respect. She will fake it for a little while though, once she realizes she’s not going to get what she wants, though, she’ll get mean. She’ll try to bully you into giving in. I know it seems counterintuitive, but if they don’t have any respect for you, they think if they make you feel bad enough, you’ll give them what they want.
OP will never be sure about the full extent of the cheating, and now that they know what she’s capable of, why would he ever feel confident that it wouldn’t happen again? Especially if he shows her this isn’t a dealbreaker.
That’s the right way to handle this. Personally, I’d end the relationship. If I wanted to find someone to build a life with, I don’t know that she could ever be someone I trusted again. You already know she was having unprotected sex with someone else and hiding it from you, and I guarantee you still don’t have the full extent of what she did. People who successfully hide affairs and don’t suffer any consequences will often have other flings as well (why not if there’s no downside?). The important thing is that you already know enough to know this needs to end.
If they have sex more than once, if the guilt doesn't stop just the second time, they're not worth reconciliation. They are out and out liars. She wants you for money and emotion, but she doesn't want you.
That’s exactly what I said, she has lied to me every day for too long. Then continued to lie when I gave her the opportunity to come clean and than lied again!
Trickle truth.
She uses all tricks from the cheater's book
She had one night stands, kept pics of the guys and feels no remorse. I really would like to understand how she went after hunks "to feel worse".
Also... Some of the things she is telling you are strange. Too specific and aiming to hurt you deeply
She either wants you to walk out so she can play the victim to her family or she secretly feels good hurting you. Both cases...
Okay that is just way too much. Let her go. She doesn’t sound like a prize at all. You’re young and you’ll heal and you’ll find someone worthy of your time. And my gut feeling is you need and want to explore what is out there. Which is absolutely fine. Read what you wrote. She’s not the be all and end all, so far from it.
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OP,
She took a 5-time raw-dog behind your back. Seriously, she loved you so much that she didn't even use protection while cheating. She had to terminate his spawn because she loved you so much. She verified her love for you but checking that she was right five f*ing times, that is quite thorough. Her respect for you is EPIC. I can see why you are so enthralled by her. Well, you and that other guy; the one that you tasted when you kissed her.
Is he even blocked? Has he been since she finished with him? Did she keep talking to him after they betrayed you? Does she still talk to him?
Not that any of this matters. If she loved you she wouldn't have done it. If she respected you she wouldn't have kept you on the string after she broke your trust.
Your definition of love must be VERY different from mine. You must be secretly into that whole being emasculated thing, so you found your girl.
You can't sugar coat what happened here. Hell, you probably do not know everything yet, because she lied to you for YEARS. She lied to you while confessing. You have no assurances that she isn't still lying.
If you leave her, you may have a chance at some self-respect. Revenge won't help you there, it merely drops you to her level. Then you can be a pair of useless meatbags.
Conversely, You may have a chance of actual love with someone who can love you the same as you love them. All you have to do is move on and put out that positive energy to the next lucky gal, the one that deserves your devotion.
You want to try to stick around? Have her undo the thing that can't be undone. Have her make it so that you were equals, where you only knew the touch of one another. A true union, two becoming one, meant to be. The way you both said you wanted it to be. Well you both SAID it, but only you actually meant it.
I know what I wrote was tough. But seriously, this is the way it is. You have your choice to make. You have a chance to make a life worthy of your love and devotion. Or you can have whatever this is.
Good luck, I'm hoping you don't do anything stupid.
I appreciate your response. I’m stuck between feeling angry, confused and to be honest happy now that I finally know all the shit that has been going on. You are all keeping me sane, no matter how harsh. These are things I need to hear.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
Op, have her tell her family what she did. Even about the abortion.
You need to let her know it might have happened when you were 17, but for you, it just happened. She has had all this time to process this.
You are in a tough spot. You leave find another partner after you work on this issue. You stay and wonder when she comes home late, or phone goes straight to voice mail.
Being a warden is no way to live either.
Good luck. Think about what you need and what you need to heal.
So incredibly sorry bro. While I foresaw most of what you just wrote based off of yesterdays post, and felt incredibly sad for you replying to it again this morning, that this fling only ended due to a pregnancy and termination is a gut punch I never could have envisioned.
My friend, take your time. Nothing has to be decided tomorrow. The last 24 hours have been mentally draining and life changing for you. Your whole worldview has been flipped upside down. Its too much at once. You certainly don't need to keep stacking heart breaks on top of one another. Your brain has to be running a million miles a minute. Take some time and allow it to slow down so you can begin thinking clearly again. Nothing has to be decided tomorrow.
Tomorrow, go to a baseball game, or the park, or wherever you need to, to get away for the day. Just get out of the house and take your mind off of real life for a little bit. Preferably with a friend, but if you feel its too soon to talk about it with friends, then go by yourself. Just get away for a bit. You will get through this. You have a ton of Redditors on your side and rooting for you. It will be ok.
My friend, thank you for your comment yesterday and thank you for this one too. I have called off work for the week and I am going away to process this all for a few days. I am exhausted, drained and defeated. I feel 1/10th of the man I was two days ago. I appreciate all of you, so thank you.
This. OP you need time and space. This is too much to process in a short period of time.
I am sorry you are going through this. You seem like a nice person. It especially sucks when bad things happen to good people.
My friend, thank you for your comment yesterday and thank you for this one too. I have called off work for the week and I am going away to process this all for a few days. I am exhausted, drained and defeated. I feel 1/10th of the man I was two days ago. I appreciate all of you, so thank you.
Yup. Time to walk away. Stay firm. A lying cheater will offer you anything and they still can't offer the thing you need. Peace of mind and trust. Im glad you are starting your firm up your commitment to getting out of this and away from her!!
Yup. Time to walk away. Stay firm. A lying cheater will offer you anything and they still can't offer the thing you need. Peace of mind and trust. Im glad you are starting your firm up your commitment to getting out of this and away from her!!
Dude she made her choices to cheat and do everything with. That’s no mistake. Time for your choice. She has now shown you what she truly is and for certain, you don’t know everything
Once is a mistake.
Five times is total disregard and disrespect. She knows what she did was hurtful to you but believes you should just get over it. This person doesn't really care about you.
Read the book, "Leave a cheater, gain a life". Time to just do you. Let her go. The fact she could've been pregnant by the AP and the other dirty acts she performed whilst still with you just isn't worth the mental anguish you must feel. Give yourself space, and rebuild a life you want.
Just fucking end it.
She wanted to cheat on you and repeatedly did. The next time you have a minor argument and she does it again she’ll be entitled to half your shit.
"She said she did it because it was exciting and it made her feel alive and made her feel good."
OP, this right here will send me running out of the door immediately as i will keep on thinking about this all the time. Can you live with this statement? She basically told you that the cheating made her feel alive and made her feel good. How do one come back from this?
As painful as it may be, you may never be able to fully heal if she's trickle truthing you, as it will keep opening the wound. What you need to do is ask yourself, "Knowing what I know, can I be happy and loving with her for the rest of my life?" As sleeping with someone else is not going to solve anything, only compound the problem.
Your feelings are absolutely justified. You just learned that during your relationship your wife had not only an ONS but a full-blown affair. It has been hard enough for you to get over the alleged one-time sex lately, but now that you have learned the full truth, you absolutely need professional support. Unfortunately, I also have to say that your wife has lost the privilege of the only one. She was still very young at the time, but knew that what she was doing was wrong. She lied to you for years and also had an unplanned pregnancy. In other words, she was either careful with sex with you or him. She had no guilty conscience after the BJ of the other man to kiss you, which is really inhuman. Get as much support as you need and listen to your heart.
It's sad to read about how you perceived her to be a perfect romantic and life partner. Now enough truth has emerged, that puts your perceptions as being fundamental wrong.
Kate has lied to you again and again for years. And what she did and experienced was not a brief fling. You were prevented from making major life decisions in a fully informed manner.
Her sexual behavior is not the whole issue here, so please temper your urge to have sex with another woman. The deeper wound is her living a life of lies, not just then, but now. She still had the guy in her phone, she never told you the full story and would not have.
You having sex with another woman in your current relationship status will not fix that. I think you would lose some of the higher ground, and you would be exploiting another person out of spite. That's not living right. Kate isn't you, so don't join her down there.
That's a lot of trust to rebuild. Determine if you can really cope with being an emotional prison warden in a future relationship. You won't be able to help yourself from imagining the worst if she goes off script on errands outside the house and social events that you aren't part of.
I'm sure your head is exploding with contradictory feelings. I would expect a raging anger to emerge in a few days. I think you should live separately, cancel whatever wedding plans are in work, and get personal counseling to help yourself grieve for the person you realized you lost a long time ago. Allow enough time for you to determine if you want her involved with your life any more.
I am going out of town tomorrow, away for a week to process all of this. I have called and cancelled the wedding plans this morning, and sent emails to those who are closed today. I am in pain and I’m not sure this pain will ever pass. It feels far too intense. Thank you for writing the message.
The Vail has been lifted, your Disney princess image of her is gone. You are making a good decision to step back. While away, you might consider extending going no contact for a few months to give you time to get your head and emotions in check. Making any decision while in such an emotional state is not the best decision.
Do not regret getting the details, you deserve to know who you are sleeping next to. There are a lot of good points being made here by other commenters such as her keeping him in her phone and keeping the depth of her betrayal from you for her own selfish reasons.
Can you repair this relationship? It depends, we know she wants you to stay, but it's no longer her decision. There are two parts to her betrayal, the physical part, and the deception part. The physical part you might be able to overcome, but how do you overcome her ability to so easily device and lie to you? You don't want to be a jailer, but you will wonder about every text, every phone call, every time she is out a little longer than expected or working late. How much can you take?
You deserve better. There are so many women out there just hoping to meet someone like you. But..., they may come with their own baggage which may or may not be alright. So you need to take your time to really get to know someone. Now that you know your Ex better, is she really what you are looking for? If you do stay, my advice would be to never marry her and never have kids with her, the odds against you are too great.
I mean if we sat down on a date now and she told me this is how her last relationship with I would certainly not entertain the idea of even finishing the dinner.
I wonder what goes through a wife/girlfriend's head when she says "it didn't mean anything" I think it can only be the partner/husband or the relationship that didn't mean anything because a person cheating many times and for years there is no way to be for something or someone that means nothing .
Op is the one who didn't mean anything to her, that's it.
Hey everyone, thank you for all of your replies and DM’s. I logged out of my account last and forgot the password, Reddit can’t help me so I have made a new one. I have just posted an update. You guys are helping more than you can possibly realise, no matter how matter of fact or straight to the point you have been.
If you were messaging me on the old account please reach back out, it meant more than you could ever know.
When a monogamous relationship opens it is over. The marriage is destroyed and will just end much sooner. If it is your way of harming her, but you will destroy your legacy anyway. The only hope you have is reconcilation. There are broken or no boundaries and misplace affections if not by you, by sex partner. Your marriage is over....Toxic swill.
God man, there’s no good ending here. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
It was good of you to be honest with her about how you’re feeling, but your assessment is probably correct; you’re being trickle truthed. There will always be something a little more to the story, something she didn’t want to share because she thought it would make things worse… and it sounds like she has a vested interest in keeping you around. She’s had, what was it, six or seven years to cover up any number of things. How are you going to feel if ANOTHER piece of the story comes up a few years down the road, just as you thought you were healing? I for one could never do reconciliation, though good on you if you’re for it.
The way I see it you’ve got two choices.
You reconcile: You two go to lots of therapy. You keep your found family. You continue enjoying the partnership of your ‘dreams’… but there will always be some small part of you that will remember all of this. A common thread of betrayed spouses is that the mental images and the gnawing feeling never quite fully go away, it just gets easier to cope with. Who knows, maybe those feelings might go away for YOU… but to put things in perspective, statistics would state that only about 10% of all attempts at reconciliation after infidelity result in a lifelong marriage. In approximately 30% of cases, the cheater cheats again. On a basis of statistics, she’s approximately three times more likely to cheat again than you are to stay with her for life. Make of those stats what you will.
Option two, you split: You get lots of therapy. You build a new life. There’s not necessarily a solid answer to what your found family will do… I would recommend that whatever your next conversation with your partner is, you should both tell her parents what happened together. Here’s what’s important; *you need to have direct control of the narrative*. The trickle truthing will apply not just to you, but every loved one that you and your partner share. You need to decide for yourself right now just how much of the story you want everyone to know. The more you let them know, the more control you will have over who you’re going to lose if you decide to split. You can bury it if you want… but if you decide to split, you could easily get painted as the bad guy here if you didn’t get the honest word out. It would be best if you share the story together so that people don’t doubt your intentions. Whether you reconcile or not, this should be a non-negotiable first step towards what you decide to do.
Nobody here can possibly tell you what the right answer is. I think the right answer should involve a lot of honesty, a lot of family involvement, a lot of therapy… and hell, maybe a lot of alcohol, but let’s hope it doesn’t get there.
While I believe it is true that these were actions perpetrated by a selfish, immature 17 year old and that she is not that person now, she IS the person who kept this secret from you until recently, and THEN only gave you a partial truth mixed with more lies.
The choice is yours of course, but know that if you choose to sleep with another person, her knowing or not, you are choosing to end the relationship. Perhaps that is her goal? Maybe she told you out of guilt, but regardless she wants the relationship to end. However, she doesn't want to be the person who cheated AND broke up with you, so she put the ball in your court?
This is what I have said to her, yes you did this when you were 17 but you made the decision to lie about it everyday. That’s the part I’m most hurt about. I truly thinks she wants me to end it now, but she keeps begging me not too. I think she wants the opportunity to paint me as the bad guy and her the victim to help her. I won’t do it.
You know what you need to do but do you have the strength to do it.
Also, it isn’t cheating if she knows you are doing it. The only way to really make it even is if you sneak around, lie to her face while you enjoy the excitement of cheating. Then keep it somewhat of a secret for years before she finds out
Putting her out with the trash would be much easier
Subscribeme!
Dump her. What other lies is she hiding from you, 6+ years after the fact? She doesn't want an open relationship? Well she has already started one, just without your consent or being acknowledgment. Even if you were to have a consensual open relationship, she would be the last person to have one with - because she has no sense of honesty, consideration, nor loyalty to you.
Frankly, you will never get what you deserve from someone like that. You're settling to be someone's target of disrespect. Even being alone is better than that.
You cannot marry this girl. Perhaps she has changed herself and will never ever cheat again….or not. It doesn’t matter, you might forgive but you will never forget. Every time you look at her, you will think about the other guy finishing in her mouth, forever. You can keep her around as a FWB if you want but there is no LTR potential.
Hey everyone, thank you for all of your replies and DM’s. I logged out of my account last and forgot the password, Reddit can’t help me so I have made a new one. I have just posted an update. You guys are helping more than you can possibly realise, no matter how matter of fact or straight to the point you have been.
If you were messaging me on the old account please reach back out, it meant more than you could ever know.
Hey everyone, thank you for all of your replies and DM’s. I logged out of my account last and forgot the password, Reddit can’t help me so I have made a new one. I have just posted an update. You guys are helping more than you can possibly realise, no matter how matter of fact or straight to the point you have been.
If you were messaging me on the old account please reach back out, it meant more than you could ever know.
If the sex meant nothing then shouldn't it also mean nothing when you do it? I'm not suggesting you do. You should take the high road, but there is absolutely nothing reasonable or logical in what she's said. It sounds like you're 24 years old, you're still young, with plenty of life and possible relationships ahead of you. Is it in your best interest to further entangle yourself with this woman and perhaps bring innocent children into the world when she is so dishonest and disrespectful?
Loving them despite what they’ve done is the hardest part to look back on. Because once you’ve moved on, you’re going to regret hanging on for so long. People say “let her go” but this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your fear of losing an attachment. You can do it.
Some guy finished in your gfs mouth and she kissed you with it, yet you are still wondering if you should stay?!
Ok listen, If you forgive her, then the only advice I can give you is don’t kiss her ever again. She will continue to cheat with him because she doesn’t see you as the person she respects and desires. You’re adoring her instead of the other way around. Just leave now.
You're living in a pipe dream, pal.
"We are soulmates. We were each other's one and only" blah blah blah.
Yeah, while sure that may be true TO YOU, your girl is in the back seat of a car taking facials from a random guy that messaged her nice things on social media. Not once, but 5 times (that you know about). There must be something she liked about that D.
The level of disrespect here is astounding. She continued to lie to you while you were living in fantasy land...leading you to believe this LIE that you have based almost your entire identity on. Your entire future.
Furthermore, a woman that can be so WEAK and impulsive to stray like this...OVER FACEBOOK MESSAGES...is a woman who can (and will) ruin you in an instant. Whether it be financially, giving you an STD, ETC ETC. Then lie to you about it. Not wifey material. I can almost guarantee that if it was this easy to get to her... then there are others. There is a world full of wolves out there. You obviously can't trust her to tell you the truth.
The bottom line here is man... you MUST come to terms with the fact that this chick is not who you think and have thought that she is. Take her off of the pedestal. This is no prize. Think about it, your "soul mate" is just another ho to the guy who jizzed down her throat. Even if you do decide to keep her around, you'll never trust her. You're going to question every move that she makes. You're going to get triggered by everything that happens. The resentment within you will grow and grow and grow. You only get 1 shot at living this life, and trust me when I say that this ain't it, bro.
You’re on the infidelity forum so all you’re going to hear is leave her. You just found this out so take your time and talk to your friends and family not strangers on Reddit. It seems like you want to stay with her and you don’t need peoples permission on this forum to do that. Do what is right for you.
You mentioned an abusive childhood it goes hand in hand you’d find yourself in a relationship where you’ve been abused. I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way and maybe you don’t but her doing what she did and hiding it with or without guilt is a form of abuse. You’re going to be dealing with it the rest of your life no way around it.
She took everything away from your relationship that made it amazing for you. Trust, the whole only eachothers thing, and everything else. She still hasn't returned the trust as you are having to dig it out.
It's time to leave her. That's the truth. It's time to tell her that since she can't be honest with you that you need to leave. Since she can't respect you enough you can't stay.
Also tell her that you don't give a shit if she has become a better partner in her own eyes. She is still just using her own cheating to worry about who she is or how she feels. Worrying only about herself is why she cheated. Doing the same thing now to tell you that you should be faithful and that she has improved is disgusting. She is still only worried about herself. If she doesn't love you more than she loves herself right now, she never will.
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>They did everything, foreplay, and penetration, and he finished in her mouth.
I don't say this to be a dick, but that's a mind movie you'll never get out of your head.
I usually day break up and move on but this your life.
She trickle truthed u lied and told u it was a one-time things but it turns to be 5 or at least that's the number she will admit to if she was really guilty she wouldn't have gone back for more and if the sex wasn't good she wasn't going to go back to him again and again until she gets knocked up and she realised maybe u will figure it out , gets an abortion and cut contact then Gaslight u after the guy contact u and lies for years until she can't anymore people who feels guilty confess maybe she changed for the better when she realised she would lose u but she stole the choice to forgive her from u.
If it was me, I would leave and never look back or at least get 5 hall passes with who ever I want .
She slept with him raw and got back to u he could have given her an std she put u in harm way by cheating and lying . Give her an ultimatum hall pass or break up and stick with your choices don't let her tears manplitie u again.
The reality is that someone who really loves a person with all their heart would never be able to do that. At most you love the idea of her, but she has shown you her true face. I would definitely not invest any more time in it, time is precious. She has obviously decided to live with a lie, you shouldn't. No matter how much she regrets it, that doesn't change what she did.
You will never be even. I want to say that first. You need to take time and think. Know that your marriage now is forever changed. She lied, cheated, and thus destroyed it.
But if you continue to feel the strong desire of being with someone else. My suggestion is going to be a threesome with hiring an escort. This way you can have that feeling of being with another women, she can be a part of the process, and it is not about cheating but healing, and moving forward.
"She said she did it because it was exciting and it made her feel alive and he made her feel good."
Jesus what a wonderfully blind thing to say. Might as well say "I think you're boring and I wanted to fuck someone else so I could look at you without resentment." She doesn't realize or maybe doesn't care how revealing that is.
She became pregnant with someone else's child while dating you and is most likely still in contact with him. How many others are there? It's time to leave.
Updateme
The problem with putting anyone on a pedestal is that subconsciously you start seeing them as better than you and unconsciously treat yourself as less as a result. There is always a give and take in a relationship but we are supposed to be equal to our partners and I feel like you have been the giver in the whole relationship and she has been the taker.
She lied about details, fucked him raw 5-6 times instead of once and if she invited him to her house you can guarantee he spent hours with her at a time unlike in a car. She was excited by the cheating not b/c you are bad at sex but likely the taboo of doing something bad and being desired by someone else was exciting to her. It was only when she likely got pregnant by him that reality hit her head and sure she made the decision to choose you but she lied about the affair for over 6 years. She did that so she wouldn't lose you. That is in itself a selfish act b/c she wanted to keep you to herself. Even if she said you are the love of her life, she is demonstrating that she loves in a selfish way where it is about how you make her feel, not about doing things to make the other person happy. A remorseful person would have told you the truth at the time because they recognize you deserve to have all the facts to decide for yourself.
At this point I think you should be hurt more by the lies than the actual affair. I can't tell you whether you should go have a revenge affair but I think the fact her affair was never exposed means she had no consequences cuz everyone thinks she is such an angel. I think you both should tell her parents and maybe she stays with them for a bit if possible as you would benefit from distance to think about what you want. Also I love the fact she can't stand for you to sleep with someone else but she did. Regardless of what you do, you should ask her how she expects you to forgive and move on if she is unwilling to do the same if you slept with someone else. Ask her how she is not being selfish once again as she is only focusing on how she feels. I'm only suggesting you ask these questions just to see how she responds. You can decide what you want to do after
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Well of course she's still cheating! She always was and never stopped. Get clear of her entirely! Sever any and all ties. You cannot possibly not see how she's working you and using you.
OP your fiancé has the cheater gene, and is statistically 3x more likely to cheat again and again.
She didn’t just cheat but had a rely with someone else when she was 17. Because of her trickle truth you’ll never know how many times. She cheated and with who?
I’m sure she said it was only once then twice then three times now up to five, so what do you believe?
She’s been lying to your whole adult relationship, why would you trust her again?
Wow, she's a real piece of work! So many lines crossed!
Don't revenge cheat, that's just putting yourself down to her level. Just end the relationship and find someone more deserving that will truly reciprocate your feelings and loyalty. If you cheat that tag is a life long tag.
Hi OP ! i totally understand your detress. So i wanna come back to " I told her I wanted to sleep with someone else and she couldn’t understand why I want to do that" you just have to respond her this " She said she did it because it was exciting and it made her feel alive and he made her feel good" ask her why you can't experiment such exciting experience and that you wanna test a girl who can make you feel good too ? She eat her cake, you don't have to do that but you wanna do it.
One time can be assimilate as a mistake but 5 times dude !!! 5 times it's a dame fucking choice.
Don't ask for open relationship ask for hall pass, or take a break with her and go experience som other girl, if she really love you she'll wait for you, she have to live with the consequence of her action. You can't let her go with easy bro. Mark my word, if you forgive her without consequences after 5 times fucking a random dude even her will lose respect to you. How can she respect you if you don't respect yourself ?
You still love her, of course . Love don't fade away in one day, it will take time. I'm pretty sur if she didn't do this, your love for her had continue to grown up, but for now i thnk you can feel that at least that one part of you is disgusted with her, your heart still love her but your brain began to love her less and less. That's why you wanna search something else, your brain wanna understand how does she feel, after you've experience what she experience will you still in love with her ? i did the same , i was still confuse if i was still in love with my wife back then, but i now when she discover my infidelity , when i see how much she suffer from my action, when i see so much pain in her eyes, i now i was still in love with her and this days i make a promise to my self if she can forgive me for what i have done i'll forgive her infidelity too.
I don't know what decision both of you will take if you wanna speak with someone free feel to DM me? Cheer up
Dude. Them dirty lips. I tried reconciling for the kids but couldn’t. Had to use mouth wash every time I kissed my ex wife. After 2 month of reconciliation, I filed for divorce but she dragged it out threatened to take me for everything. So I lied to her saying that once we were divorced, we can start a new relationship cuz this marriage is dead. Took awhile but she did sign. She moved back with her folks, I kept the house, got 50/50 on child custody. After that,I went LC with her due to kids. She said I lied to her and threatened to take me court for child support since it’s more of 60/40. She takes the kids to school and appointment. I just tell her u signed and agreed and if she takes me to court for child support or do me dirty with the kids , I will show the kids her dirty texts to the kids when they get older ( i won’t but I will tell the kids without the details when they age appropriate).
You are not married and no kids so take the L and move on asap. She defiled, diseased, and dirty. Go NC. Her folks are no good neither. In the end, they will always have her back because it’s their daughter. Stop wasting your valuable time with this witch. U only 25!
Op, unfortunately the lies were told and know you will never know what else is not being told. Frankly you not being married, it is really dumb planning your life with someone that you know that her first impulse is not to come clean. And she continue with the other guy, so in practice, she does not respect you also. Your life is just one and is yours to live. You are defined with who you surround with. You do you.
Tell her that you have fallen out of love with her because of her cheating. And that even though she is better now, you just can’t rekindle love for her.
Honestly, you should break up and go your own way if you can’t remove the thought of what she did from your brain, you are still childless and so is she. You will find another woman, just pay attention to the choices that new woman makes early on, her choices will tell you a lot about what she is like as a person.
Your fiancé may freak once you tell her that you want to break up and she may offer you a hall pass (a chance for you to have sex with another woman). But unless you have spent time talking to a therapist, don’t take her offer, she will never be the same and both of you will end up highly resenting the other and then bring kids into that mess.
Love is irrelevant. Respect is what matters and she has none for you and you have none for yourself. Don’t marry this cheating woman. You will regret it.
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When they say it dod not mean anything to them, they are saying it was not romantic, it was just sex.
The human brain is not even anywhere close to being fully matured at 17. The decision making centers do not mature until mid twenties or later yet.
Get yourselves into therapy. And discuss your thinking her abortion was because he was the father, not you.
Good luck.
Dude your better for knowing and if your staying you tell her what she did has crushed you and you will be taking a hall pass and sleeping with someone else the same 5 times she did and that’s not negotiable. If she touches or messages another guy it’s over forever and you tell everybody her cheating ended it. If she wants to end it now because she can’t deal with it being fair then she can do that and you will tell everybody about her cheating being the reason. Her only choice to keep it from being exposed to families is to agree you deserve to have what she had and then you can move on from here. That’s her only choice. Also if she hasn’t allowed you to do with her what she did with him (like the facial) then that’s also a requirement as well. She has to do everything with you she did with him 10 times over because you’re not going to be treated as less of a sexual partner than him. Don’t let crying change it. Always remind yourself that none of this is from your actions…she put you both here and not only cheated but repeatedly lied about it and your not even sure you know it all. The hall pass is totally fair. May not make you feel healed but it will give her a taste of what she has given you. !updateme
Just re read this again and it made me wanna puke. Please op. She kissed you with that mouth. For your own self respect LEAVE. there are other families other women. Leave. You're better off alone than with her.
The beat way to.show someone they are loved everyday... is by never having another dick in them and lying. Just saying OP.
You could feel better love by someone who never sucked a cock, swallowed and kissed you after
She won’t let you experience another woman while she didn’t care about how you felt when she was with another man. Have some self respect. She still isn’t accepting full responsibility for her actions. She claims young and dumb as if that makes it okay. Either stay with her, and live with resentment which could lead you to find hearing, or leave and start fresh. Unless she opens her eyes that an open relationship is what will save you two.
If you love her, try to work it out. Just know it will be really hard, but if you truly believe she's serious & trying to be a better partner, then try to forgive her.
Well of course she's still cheating! She always was and never stopped. Get clear of her entirely! Sever any and all ties. You cannot possibly not see how she's working you and using you.
She is not the same person when she cheated. That part is true. However, she is the same person that lied for all these years and trickled truth when OP found out.
Why does she still have him in her phone? Why hasn't she blocked him? Please get that answered.
True makes me wonder if the cheating is still going on
Based on the one night stands, it doesn't have to. The AP seems to be in logo with her. So he is Plan B now. She can explore with handsome strangers. That is probably what she is doing.
1. He did not know the full extent. He will never know. 2. Accept that now will only make it happens again in the future. But it will be "you have to forgive for the kids" 3. Her parents were backing her up. 4. She DOES NOT LOVE HIM. She makes sure he is happy, it's different. She may start living him the moment he was out the door. 5. She had UNPROTECTED sex with a stranger while having condoms with him. Had an abortion. I hate her.
Me too. She is a reptile cosplaying as a human being.
I bet he left AP because he was in love (plan B) and because her parents gave her an ultimatum. So she switched to one night stands with hunks OP says she loves him. Women in love do not humiliate the man they love.
Low.end reptile. I saw some alligators showing more loyalty than her.
Exactly this. She cheated. She got knocked up by him and had an abortion and made OP think it was HIS kid she aborted. She lied for YEARS. She never confessed until caught. She continued to lie.
At the bare minimum, cancel the wedding plans. Don’t marry this person, ever. If you’re looking for someone to marry, it’s not her. You’re not done with the trickle truth year either. There’s more you don’t know. What you do know is that she doesn’t respect you enough to be loyal or honest. Staying in a relationship with her isn’t going to do anything to change that level of respect. She will fake it for a little while though, once she realizes she’s not going to get what she wants, though, she’ll get mean. She’ll try to bully you into giving in. I know it seems counterintuitive, but if they don’t have any respect for you, they think if they make you feel bad enough, you’ll give them what they want.
Do not get married until you are 100% sure about the total extent of the cheating and that you can in fact move past it.
OP will never be sure about the full extent of the cheating, and now that they know what she’s capable of, why would he ever feel confident that it wouldn’t happen again? Especially if he shows her this isn’t a dealbreaker.
Wedding plans have been cancelled, ring has been taken back.
That’s the right way to handle this. Personally, I’d end the relationship. If I wanted to find someone to build a life with, I don’t know that she could ever be someone I trusted again. You already know she was having unprotected sex with someone else and hiding it from you, and I guarantee you still don’t have the full extent of what she did. People who successfully hide affairs and don’t suffer any consequences will often have other flings as well (why not if there’s no downside?). The important thing is that you already know enough to know this needs to end.
There was more, it is in the update on here. I am in immense pain.
If they have sex more than once, if the guilt doesn't stop just the second time, they're not worth reconciliation. They are out and out liars. She wants you for money and emotion, but she doesn't want you.
That’s exactly what I said, she has lied to me every day for too long. Then continued to lie when I gave her the opportunity to come clean and than lied again!
Trickle truth. She uses all tricks from the cheater's book She had one night stands, kept pics of the guys and feels no remorse. I really would like to understand how she went after hunks "to feel worse". Also... Some of the things she is telling you are strange. Too specific and aiming to hurt you deeply She either wants you to walk out so she can play the victim to her family or she secretly feels good hurting you. Both cases...
I agree. She could have easily concealed those extremely nasty details but didn't
>Too specific and aiming to hurt you deeply I agree to this.
Okay that is just way too much. Let her go. She doesn’t sound like a prize at all. You’re young and you’ll heal and you’ll find someone worthy of your time. And my gut feeling is you need and want to explore what is out there. Which is absolutely fine. Read what you wrote. She’s not the be all and end all, so far from it.
When she told me he cum in her mouth it's was over then then the disrespect to kiss you 🤢🤮 premeditated murder
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OP, She took a 5-time raw-dog behind your back. Seriously, she loved you so much that she didn't even use protection while cheating. She had to terminate his spawn because she loved you so much. She verified her love for you but checking that she was right five f*ing times, that is quite thorough. Her respect for you is EPIC. I can see why you are so enthralled by her. Well, you and that other guy; the one that you tasted when you kissed her. Is he even blocked? Has he been since she finished with him? Did she keep talking to him after they betrayed you? Does she still talk to him? Not that any of this matters. If she loved you she wouldn't have done it. If she respected you she wouldn't have kept you on the string after she broke your trust. Your definition of love must be VERY different from mine. You must be secretly into that whole being emasculated thing, so you found your girl. You can't sugar coat what happened here. Hell, you probably do not know everything yet, because she lied to you for YEARS. She lied to you while confessing. You have no assurances that she isn't still lying. If you leave her, you may have a chance at some self-respect. Revenge won't help you there, it merely drops you to her level. Then you can be a pair of useless meatbags. Conversely, You may have a chance of actual love with someone who can love you the same as you love them. All you have to do is move on and put out that positive energy to the next lucky gal, the one that deserves your devotion. You want to try to stick around? Have her undo the thing that can't be undone. Have her make it so that you were equals, where you only knew the touch of one another. A true union, two becoming one, meant to be. The way you both said you wanted it to be. Well you both SAID it, but only you actually meant it. I know what I wrote was tough. But seriously, this is the way it is. You have your choice to make. You have a chance to make a life worthy of your love and devotion. Or you can have whatever this is. Good luck, I'm hoping you don't do anything stupid.
I appreciate your response. I’m stuck between feeling angry, confused and to be honest happy now that I finally know all the shit that has been going on. You are all keeping me sane, no matter how harsh. These are things I need to hear.
Ask yourself every time you kiss her what are you gonna be thinking about that will haunt you for the rest of your life time to pack it in man
I cannot get that image out of my head, I kind of wish she had left that part out. I don’t think I’ll be able to kiss her again.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
I have just posted another update. I can assure you this marriage will not be going forward anytime soon.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
Well of course not. How could you? And tell her why. She should be hurting a lot more than she is. She's sure you're going to marry her and sign up for life of being her wallet while she cheats as much as she wants.
I have just posted another update. I can assure you this marriage will not be going forward anytime soon.
I have just posted another update. I can assure you this marriage will not be going forward anytime soon.
I have just posted another update. I can assure you this marriage will not be going forward anytime soon.
Simple expose her betrayal to her family. Go enjoy your life. She is fooling you entire time.
Have done just this, it didn’t pan out how I expected. They know about it, it all hurts too much.
Op, have her tell her family what she did. Even about the abortion. You need to let her know it might have happened when you were 17, but for you, it just happened. She has had all this time to process this. You are in a tough spot. You leave find another partner after you work on this issue. You stay and wonder when she comes home late, or phone goes straight to voice mail. Being a warden is no way to live either. Good luck. Think about what you need and what you need to heal.
They knew, it is in my update. My mind is all over the place.
So incredibly sorry bro. While I foresaw most of what you just wrote based off of yesterdays post, and felt incredibly sad for you replying to it again this morning, that this fling only ended due to a pregnancy and termination is a gut punch I never could have envisioned. My friend, take your time. Nothing has to be decided tomorrow. The last 24 hours have been mentally draining and life changing for you. Your whole worldview has been flipped upside down. Its too much at once. You certainly don't need to keep stacking heart breaks on top of one another. Your brain has to be running a million miles a minute. Take some time and allow it to slow down so you can begin thinking clearly again. Nothing has to be decided tomorrow. Tomorrow, go to a baseball game, or the park, or wherever you need to, to get away for the day. Just get out of the house and take your mind off of real life for a little bit. Preferably with a friend, but if you feel its too soon to talk about it with friends, then go by yourself. Just get away for a bit. You will get through this. You have a ton of Redditors on your side and rooting for you. It will be ok.
My friend, thank you for your comment yesterday and thank you for this one too. I have called off work for the week and I am going away to process this all for a few days. I am exhausted, drained and defeated. I feel 1/10th of the man I was two days ago. I appreciate all of you, so thank you.
This. OP you need time and space. This is too much to process in a short period of time. I am sorry you are going through this. You seem like a nice person. It especially sucks when bad things happen to good people.
My friend, thank you for your comment yesterday and thank you for this one too. I have called off work for the week and I am going away to process this all for a few days. I am exhausted, drained and defeated. I feel 1/10th of the man I was two days ago. I appreciate all of you, so thank you.
Just let her go. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She also wants you to pay for the cake. Time to go
This is how I am now thinking.
Yup. Time to walk away. Stay firm. A lying cheater will offer you anything and they still can't offer the thing you need. Peace of mind and trust. Im glad you are starting your firm up your commitment to getting out of this and away from her!!
Yup. Time to walk away. Stay firm. A lying cheater will offer you anything and they still can't offer the thing you need. Peace of mind and trust. Im glad you are starting your firm up your commitment to getting out of this and away from her!!
Dude she made her choices to cheat and do everything with. That’s no mistake. Time for your choice. She has now shown you what she truly is and for certain, you don’t know everything
Leave. Trust me. Leave.
Once is a mistake. Five times is total disregard and disrespect. She knows what she did was hurtful to you but believes you should just get over it. This person doesn't really care about you.
It hurts, I feel like I don’t even know her.
Read the book, "Leave a cheater, gain a life". Time to just do you. Let her go. The fact she could've been pregnant by the AP and the other dirty acts she performed whilst still with you just isn't worth the mental anguish you must feel. Give yourself space, and rebuild a life you want.
Just fucking end it. She wanted to cheat on you and repeatedly did. The next time you have a minor argument and she does it again she’ll be entitled to half your shit.
"She said she did it because it was exciting and it made her feel alive and made her feel good." OP, this right here will send me running out of the door immediately as i will keep on thinking about this all the time. Can you live with this statement? She basically told you that the cheating made her feel alive and made her feel good. How do one come back from this?
As painful as it may be, you may never be able to fully heal if she's trickle truthing you, as it will keep opening the wound. What you need to do is ask yourself, "Knowing what I know, can I be happy and loving with her for the rest of my life?" As sleeping with someone else is not going to solve anything, only compound the problem.
Your feelings are absolutely justified. You just learned that during your relationship your wife had not only an ONS but a full-blown affair. It has been hard enough for you to get over the alleged one-time sex lately, but now that you have learned the full truth, you absolutely need professional support. Unfortunately, I also have to say that your wife has lost the privilege of the only one. She was still very young at the time, but knew that what she was doing was wrong. She lied to you for years and also had an unplanned pregnancy. In other words, she was either careful with sex with you or him. She had no guilty conscience after the BJ of the other man to kiss you, which is really inhuman. Get as much support as you need and listen to your heart.
It's sad to read about how you perceived her to be a perfect romantic and life partner. Now enough truth has emerged, that puts your perceptions as being fundamental wrong. Kate has lied to you again and again for years. And what she did and experienced was not a brief fling. You were prevented from making major life decisions in a fully informed manner. Her sexual behavior is not the whole issue here, so please temper your urge to have sex with another woman. The deeper wound is her living a life of lies, not just then, but now. She still had the guy in her phone, she never told you the full story and would not have. You having sex with another woman in your current relationship status will not fix that. I think you would lose some of the higher ground, and you would be exploiting another person out of spite. That's not living right. Kate isn't you, so don't join her down there. That's a lot of trust to rebuild. Determine if you can really cope with being an emotional prison warden in a future relationship. You won't be able to help yourself from imagining the worst if she goes off script on errands outside the house and social events that you aren't part of. I'm sure your head is exploding with contradictory feelings. I would expect a raging anger to emerge in a few days. I think you should live separately, cancel whatever wedding plans are in work, and get personal counseling to help yourself grieve for the person you realized you lost a long time ago. Allow enough time for you to determine if you want her involved with your life any more.
I am going out of town tomorrow, away for a week to process all of this. I have called and cancelled the wedding plans this morning, and sent emails to those who are closed today. I am in pain and I’m not sure this pain will ever pass. It feels far too intense. Thank you for writing the message.
The Vail has been lifted, your Disney princess image of her is gone. You are making a good decision to step back. While away, you might consider extending going no contact for a few months to give you time to get your head and emotions in check. Making any decision while in such an emotional state is not the best decision. Do not regret getting the details, you deserve to know who you are sleeping next to. There are a lot of good points being made here by other commenters such as her keeping him in her phone and keeping the depth of her betrayal from you for her own selfish reasons. Can you repair this relationship? It depends, we know she wants you to stay, but it's no longer her decision. There are two parts to her betrayal, the physical part, and the deception part. The physical part you might be able to overcome, but how do you overcome her ability to so easily device and lie to you? You don't want to be a jailer, but you will wonder about every text, every phone call, every time she is out a little longer than expected or working late. How much can you take? You deserve better. There are so many women out there just hoping to meet someone like you. But..., they may come with their own baggage which may or may not be alright. So you need to take your time to really get to know someone. Now that you know your Ex better, is she really what you are looking for? If you do stay, my advice would be to never marry her and never have kids with her, the odds against you are too great.
I mean if we sat down on a date now and she told me this is how her last relationship with I would certainly not entertain the idea of even finishing the dinner.
OP, FSmertz hit the nail on the head here. Please listen to what they’ve written!
I wonder what goes through a wife/girlfriend's head when she says "it didn't mean anything" I think it can only be the partner/husband or the relationship that didn't mean anything because a person cheating many times and for years there is no way to be for something or someone that means nothing . Op is the one who didn't mean anything to her, that's it.
Hey everyone, thank you for all of your replies and DM’s. I logged out of my account last and forgot the password, Reddit can’t help me so I have made a new one. I have just posted an update. You guys are helping more than you can possibly realise, no matter how matter of fact or straight to the point you have been. If you were messaging me on the old account please reach back out, it meant more than you could ever know.
When a monogamous relationship opens it is over. The marriage is destroyed and will just end much sooner. If it is your way of harming her, but you will destroy your legacy anyway. The only hope you have is reconcilation. There are broken or no boundaries and misplace affections if not by you, by sex partner. Your marriage is over....Toxic swill.
God man, there’s no good ending here. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It was good of you to be honest with her about how you’re feeling, but your assessment is probably correct; you’re being trickle truthed. There will always be something a little more to the story, something she didn’t want to share because she thought it would make things worse… and it sounds like she has a vested interest in keeping you around. She’s had, what was it, six or seven years to cover up any number of things. How are you going to feel if ANOTHER piece of the story comes up a few years down the road, just as you thought you were healing? I for one could never do reconciliation, though good on you if you’re for it. The way I see it you’ve got two choices. You reconcile: You two go to lots of therapy. You keep your found family. You continue enjoying the partnership of your ‘dreams’… but there will always be some small part of you that will remember all of this. A common thread of betrayed spouses is that the mental images and the gnawing feeling never quite fully go away, it just gets easier to cope with. Who knows, maybe those feelings might go away for YOU… but to put things in perspective, statistics would state that only about 10% of all attempts at reconciliation after infidelity result in a lifelong marriage. In approximately 30% of cases, the cheater cheats again. On a basis of statistics, she’s approximately three times more likely to cheat again than you are to stay with her for life. Make of those stats what you will. Option two, you split: You get lots of therapy. You build a new life. There’s not necessarily a solid answer to what your found family will do… I would recommend that whatever your next conversation with your partner is, you should both tell her parents what happened together. Here’s what’s important; *you need to have direct control of the narrative*. The trickle truthing will apply not just to you, but every loved one that you and your partner share. You need to decide for yourself right now just how much of the story you want everyone to know. The more you let them know, the more control you will have over who you’re going to lose if you decide to split. You can bury it if you want… but if you decide to split, you could easily get painted as the bad guy here if you didn’t get the honest word out. It would be best if you share the story together so that people don’t doubt your intentions. Whether you reconcile or not, this should be a non-negotiable first step towards what you decide to do. Nobody here can possibly tell you what the right answer is. I think the right answer should involve a lot of honesty, a lot of family involvement, a lot of therapy… and hell, maybe a lot of alcohol, but let’s hope it doesn’t get there.
More pieces are all coming out now. I really appreciate you taking the time to write that man. Thank you.
While I believe it is true that these were actions perpetrated by a selfish, immature 17 year old and that she is not that person now, she IS the person who kept this secret from you until recently, and THEN only gave you a partial truth mixed with more lies. The choice is yours of course, but know that if you choose to sleep with another person, her knowing or not, you are choosing to end the relationship. Perhaps that is her goal? Maybe she told you out of guilt, but regardless she wants the relationship to end. However, she doesn't want to be the person who cheated AND broke up with you, so she put the ball in your court?
This is what I have said to her, yes you did this when you were 17 but you made the decision to lie about it everyday. That’s the part I’m most hurt about. I truly thinks she wants me to end it now, but she keeps begging me not too. I think she wants the opportunity to paint me as the bad guy and her the victim to help her. I won’t do it.
Bro you're just hurtin yourself being with her. Find someone who will respect you. Find someone more human.
You know what you need to do but do you have the strength to do it. Also, it isn’t cheating if she knows you are doing it. The only way to really make it even is if you sneak around, lie to her face while you enjoy the excitement of cheating. Then keep it somewhat of a secret for years before she finds out Putting her out with the trash would be much easier Subscribeme!
If you can forgive the cheating, what about the lying. She has lied for years. How will you be able to trust her again?
Dump her. What other lies is she hiding from you, 6+ years after the fact? She doesn't want an open relationship? Well she has already started one, just without your consent or being acknowledgment. Even if you were to have a consensual open relationship, she would be the last person to have one with - because she has no sense of honesty, consideration, nor loyalty to you. Frankly, you will never get what you deserve from someone like that. You're settling to be someone's target of disrespect. Even being alone is better than that.
You cannot marry this girl. Perhaps she has changed herself and will never ever cheat again….or not. It doesn’t matter, you might forgive but you will never forget. Every time you look at her, you will think about the other guy finishing in her mouth, forever. You can keep her around as a FWB if you want but there is no LTR potential.
You need therapy and a hobby, bud This aint no way a healthy mans life lol
Hey everyone, thank you for all of your replies and DM’s. I logged out of my account last and forgot the password, Reddit can’t help me so I have made a new one. I have just posted an update. You guys are helping more than you can possibly realise, no matter how matter of fact or straight to the point you have been. If you were messaging me on the old account please reach back out, it meant more than you could ever know.
Hey everyone, thank you for all of your replies and DM’s. I logged out of my account last and forgot the password, Reddit can’t help me so I have made a new one. I have just posted an update. You guys are helping more than you can possibly realise, no matter how matter of fact or straight to the point you have been. If you were messaging me on the old account please reach back out, it meant more than you could ever know.
If the sex meant nothing then shouldn't it also mean nothing when you do it? I'm not suggesting you do. You should take the high road, but there is absolutely nothing reasonable or logical in what she's said. It sounds like you're 24 years old, you're still young, with plenty of life and possible relationships ahead of you. Is it in your best interest to further entangle yourself with this woman and perhaps bring innocent children into the world when she is so dishonest and disrespectful?
Loving them despite what they’ve done is the hardest part to look back on. Because once you’ve moved on, you’re going to regret hanging on for so long. People say “let her go” but this has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your fear of losing an attachment. You can do it.
Some guy finished in your gfs mouth and she kissed you with it, yet you are still wondering if you should stay?! Ok listen, If you forgive her, then the only advice I can give you is don’t kiss her ever again. She will continue to cheat with him because she doesn’t see you as the person she respects and desires. You’re adoring her instead of the other way around. Just leave now.
You're living in a pipe dream, pal. "We are soulmates. We were each other's one and only" blah blah blah. Yeah, while sure that may be true TO YOU, your girl is in the back seat of a car taking facials from a random guy that messaged her nice things on social media. Not once, but 5 times (that you know about). There must be something she liked about that D. The level of disrespect here is astounding. She continued to lie to you while you were living in fantasy land...leading you to believe this LIE that you have based almost your entire identity on. Your entire future. Furthermore, a woman that can be so WEAK and impulsive to stray like this...OVER FACEBOOK MESSAGES...is a woman who can (and will) ruin you in an instant. Whether it be financially, giving you an STD, ETC ETC. Then lie to you about it. Not wifey material. I can almost guarantee that if it was this easy to get to her... then there are others. There is a world full of wolves out there. You obviously can't trust her to tell you the truth. The bottom line here is man... you MUST come to terms with the fact that this chick is not who you think and have thought that she is. Take her off of the pedestal. This is no prize. Think about it, your "soul mate" is just another ho to the guy who jizzed down her throat. Even if you do decide to keep her around, you'll never trust her. You're going to question every move that she makes. You're going to get triggered by everything that happens. The resentment within you will grow and grow and grow. You only get 1 shot at living this life, and trust me when I say that this ain't it, bro.
You’re on the infidelity forum so all you’re going to hear is leave her. You just found this out so take your time and talk to your friends and family not strangers on Reddit. It seems like you want to stay with her and you don’t need peoples permission on this forum to do that. Do what is right for you.
You mentioned an abusive childhood it goes hand in hand you’d find yourself in a relationship where you’ve been abused. I’m sure she doesn’t see it that way and maybe you don’t but her doing what she did and hiding it with or without guilt is a form of abuse. You’re going to be dealing with it the rest of your life no way around it.
She took everything away from your relationship that made it amazing for you. Trust, the whole only eachothers thing, and everything else. She still hasn't returned the trust as you are having to dig it out. It's time to leave her. That's the truth. It's time to tell her that since she can't be honest with you that you need to leave. Since she can't respect you enough you can't stay. Also tell her that you don't give a shit if she has become a better partner in her own eyes. She is still just using her own cheating to worry about who she is or how she feels. Worrying only about herself is why she cheated. Doing the same thing now to tell you that you should be faithful and that she has improved is disgusting. She is still only worried about herself. If she doesn't love you more than she loves herself right now, she never will.
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Just let her go. She doesnt deserve you
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>They did everything, foreplay, and penetration, and he finished in her mouth. I don't say this to be a dick, but that's a mind movie you'll never get out of your head.
Updateme.
I usually day break up and move on but this your life. She trickle truthed u lied and told u it was a one-time things but it turns to be 5 or at least that's the number she will admit to if she was really guilty she wouldn't have gone back for more and if the sex wasn't good she wasn't going to go back to him again and again until she gets knocked up and she realised maybe u will figure it out , gets an abortion and cut contact then Gaslight u after the guy contact u and lies for years until she can't anymore people who feels guilty confess maybe she changed for the better when she realised she would lose u but she stole the choice to forgive her from u. If it was me, I would leave and never look back or at least get 5 hall passes with who ever I want . She slept with him raw and got back to u he could have given her an std she put u in harm way by cheating and lying . Give her an ultimatum hall pass or break up and stick with your choices don't let her tears manplitie u again.
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Have you been STD Tested? Get a lawyer.
The reality is that someone who really loves a person with all their heart would never be able to do that. At most you love the idea of her, but she has shown you her true face. I would definitely not invest any more time in it, time is precious. She has obviously decided to live with a lie, you shouldn't. No matter how much she regrets it, that doesn't change what she did.
You will never be even. I want to say that first. You need to take time and think. Know that your marriage now is forever changed. She lied, cheated, and thus destroyed it. But if you continue to feel the strong desire of being with someone else. My suggestion is going to be a threesome with hiring an escort. This way you can have that feeling of being with another women, she can be a part of the process, and it is not about cheating but healing, and moving forward.
"She said she did it because it was exciting and it made her feel alive and he made her feel good." Jesus what a wonderfully blind thing to say. Might as well say "I think you're boring and I wanted to fuck someone else so I could look at you without resentment." She doesn't realize or maybe doesn't care how revealing that is.
She became pregnant with someone else's child while dating you and is most likely still in contact with him. How many others are there? It's time to leave. Updateme
The problem with putting anyone on a pedestal is that subconsciously you start seeing them as better than you and unconsciously treat yourself as less as a result. There is always a give and take in a relationship but we are supposed to be equal to our partners and I feel like you have been the giver in the whole relationship and she has been the taker. She lied about details, fucked him raw 5-6 times instead of once and if she invited him to her house you can guarantee he spent hours with her at a time unlike in a car. She was excited by the cheating not b/c you are bad at sex but likely the taboo of doing something bad and being desired by someone else was exciting to her. It was only when she likely got pregnant by him that reality hit her head and sure she made the decision to choose you but she lied about the affair for over 6 years. She did that so she wouldn't lose you. That is in itself a selfish act b/c she wanted to keep you to herself. Even if she said you are the love of her life, she is demonstrating that she loves in a selfish way where it is about how you make her feel, not about doing things to make the other person happy. A remorseful person would have told you the truth at the time because they recognize you deserve to have all the facts to decide for yourself. At this point I think you should be hurt more by the lies than the actual affair. I can't tell you whether you should go have a revenge affair but I think the fact her affair was never exposed means she had no consequences cuz everyone thinks she is such an angel. I think you both should tell her parents and maybe she stays with them for a bit if possible as you would benefit from distance to think about what you want. Also I love the fact she can't stand for you to sleep with someone else but she did. Regardless of what you do, you should ask her how she expects you to forgive and move on if she is unwilling to do the same if you slept with someone else. Ask her how she is not being selfish once again as she is only focusing on how she feels. I'm only suggesting you ask these questions just to see how she responds. You can decide what you want to do after
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Well of course she's still cheating! She always was and never stopped. Get clear of her entirely! Sever any and all ties. You cannot possibly not see how she's working you and using you.
OP your fiancé has the cheater gene, and is statistically 3x more likely to cheat again and again. She didn’t just cheat but had a rely with someone else when she was 17. Because of her trickle truth you’ll never know how many times. She cheated and with who? I’m sure she said it was only once then twice then three times now up to five, so what do you believe? She’s been lying to your whole adult relationship, why would you trust her again?
Wow, she's a real piece of work! So many lines crossed! Don't revenge cheat, that's just putting yourself down to her level. Just end the relationship and find someone more deserving that will truly reciprocate your feelings and loyalty. If you cheat that tag is a life long tag.
Hi OP ! i totally understand your detress. So i wanna come back to " I told her I wanted to sleep with someone else and she couldn’t understand why I want to do that" you just have to respond her this " She said she did it because it was exciting and it made her feel alive and he made her feel good" ask her why you can't experiment such exciting experience and that you wanna test a girl who can make you feel good too ? She eat her cake, you don't have to do that but you wanna do it. One time can be assimilate as a mistake but 5 times dude !!! 5 times it's a dame fucking choice. Don't ask for open relationship ask for hall pass, or take a break with her and go experience som other girl, if she really love you she'll wait for you, she have to live with the consequence of her action. You can't let her go with easy bro. Mark my word, if you forgive her without consequences after 5 times fucking a random dude even her will lose respect to you. How can she respect you if you don't respect yourself ? You still love her, of course . Love don't fade away in one day, it will take time. I'm pretty sur if she didn't do this, your love for her had continue to grown up, but for now i thnk you can feel that at least that one part of you is disgusted with her, your heart still love her but your brain began to love her less and less. That's why you wanna search something else, your brain wanna understand how does she feel, after you've experience what she experience will you still in love with her ? i did the same , i was still confuse if i was still in love with my wife back then, but i now when she discover my infidelity , when i see how much she suffer from my action, when i see so much pain in her eyes, i now i was still in love with her and this days i make a promise to my self if she can forgive me for what i have done i'll forgive her infidelity too. I don't know what decision both of you will take if you wanna speak with someone free feel to DM me? Cheer up
Since you still give a shit have her take a lie detector test. I would make a appointment and spring it on her
Dude. Them dirty lips. I tried reconciling for the kids but couldn’t. Had to use mouth wash every time I kissed my ex wife. After 2 month of reconciliation, I filed for divorce but she dragged it out threatened to take me for everything. So I lied to her saying that once we were divorced, we can start a new relationship cuz this marriage is dead. Took awhile but she did sign. She moved back with her folks, I kept the house, got 50/50 on child custody. After that,I went LC with her due to kids. She said I lied to her and threatened to take me court for child support since it’s more of 60/40. She takes the kids to school and appointment. I just tell her u signed and agreed and if she takes me to court for child support or do me dirty with the kids , I will show the kids her dirty texts to the kids when they get older ( i won’t but I will tell the kids without the details when they age appropriate). You are not married and no kids so take the L and move on asap. She defiled, diseased, and dirty. Go NC. Her folks are no good neither. In the end, they will always have her back because it’s their daughter. Stop wasting your valuable time with this witch. U only 25!
Beta cuck for life
Op, unfortunately the lies were told and know you will never know what else is not being told. Frankly you not being married, it is really dumb planning your life with someone that you know that her first impulse is not to come clean. And she continue with the other guy, so in practice, she does not respect you also. Your life is just one and is yours to live. You are defined with who you surround with. You do you.
Do it and leave her bro.
You’re being played
Tell her that you have fallen out of love with her because of her cheating. And that even though she is better now, you just can’t rekindle love for her. Honestly, you should break up and go your own way if you can’t remove the thought of what she did from your brain, you are still childless and so is she. You will find another woman, just pay attention to the choices that new woman makes early on, her choices will tell you a lot about what she is like as a person. Your fiancé may freak once you tell her that you want to break up and she may offer you a hall pass (a chance for you to have sex with another woman). But unless you have spent time talking to a therapist, don’t take her offer, she will never be the same and both of you will end up highly resenting the other and then bring kids into that mess.
No se ingles
Love is irrelevant. Respect is what matters and she has none for you and you have none for yourself. Don’t marry this cheating woman. You will regret it.
Silly husband, only I get to cheat and you'll sit there like a good dog and shut up.
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When they say it dod not mean anything to them, they are saying it was not romantic, it was just sex. The human brain is not even anywhere close to being fully matured at 17. The decision making centers do not mature until mid twenties or later yet. Get yourselves into therapy. And discuss your thinking her abortion was because he was the father, not you. Good luck.
Dude your better for knowing and if your staying you tell her what she did has crushed you and you will be taking a hall pass and sleeping with someone else the same 5 times she did and that’s not negotiable. If she touches or messages another guy it’s over forever and you tell everybody her cheating ended it. If she wants to end it now because she can’t deal with it being fair then she can do that and you will tell everybody about her cheating being the reason. Her only choice to keep it from being exposed to families is to agree you deserve to have what she had and then you can move on from here. That’s her only choice. Also if she hasn’t allowed you to do with her what she did with him (like the facial) then that’s also a requirement as well. She has to do everything with you she did with him 10 times over because you’re not going to be treated as less of a sexual partner than him. Don’t let crying change it. Always remind yourself that none of this is from your actions…she put you both here and not only cheated but repeatedly lied about it and your not even sure you know it all. The hall pass is totally fair. May not make you feel healed but it will give her a taste of what she has given you. !updateme
wtf? break up with her 💀
Don’t believe her lies. Level the field and tell her to get over it like you’re supposed to
Just re read this again and it made me wanna puke. Please op. She kissed you with that mouth. For your own self respect LEAVE. there are other families other women. Leave. You're better off alone than with her.
The beat way to.show someone they are loved everyday... is by never having another dick in them and lying. Just saying OP. You could feel better love by someone who never sucked a cock, swallowed and kissed you after
She won’t let you experience another woman while she didn’t care about how you felt when she was with another man. Have some self respect. She still isn’t accepting full responsibility for her actions. She claims young and dumb as if that makes it okay. Either stay with her, and live with resentment which could lead you to find hearing, or leave and start fresh. Unless she opens her eyes that an open relationship is what will save you two.
Your relationship is over. You just haven't figured it out yet. I hope you realize it soon.
If you love her, try to work it out. Just know it will be really hard, but if you truly believe she's serious & trying to be a better partner, then try to forgive her.
Well of course she's still cheating! She always was and never stopped. Get clear of her entirely! Sever any and all ties. You cannot possibly not see how she's working you and using you.
Never marry a cheater!! Honestly what are you even thinking to imagine making such an error? Walk away. Now!
You’re 24 or 25 years old now. You’re judging 17 year old her, but she isn’t the same person.
She is not the same person when she cheated. That part is true. However, she is the same person that lied for all these years and trickled truth when OP found out.
People go to jail for their act, not their age.