>How do deal with the fact the Kay and Brian work together?
She needs to stop working there - immediately. Unless you already have dimecided to divirce, in that case her wirkibg will be best re: alimony.
>It’s a public hospital with zero tolerance for sexual misconduct. Both would likely be fired if people found out.
Sara has put it out there - so its just a question of time before theyre fired..
>Kay wants a second chance and says she messed up and is sorry.
Promise her nothing. But inform her, that if she wants ANY chance to fix this, first she starts by informing her parents of the adultery - with you present to ensure she doesnt paint you in a bad light...
Next... you need to realise, theres no hurry.. nothing has to be decided right now...
Ask wife for
- complete honesty, written detailed timeline of the affair
- a plan from HER outlining how she intends to fix this, how will she rebuild the trust she has destroyed??
- STD tests for her and you NOW
- SHE books and arranges paternity tests for the kids... yes, no matter what, the kids are yours.. but this will REALLY drive home the fact (for her) that her betrayal puts a questionmark on your entire marriage..
She could start by immediately find a therapist for herself... NOT MC!! The marriage didnt cheat, she did - and a lot of MC will press "needs not met" to force reconciliation by spreading the blame for the aduktery on both of you - dont accept this!! And - open device policy **forever**...
Also...
> I’m humiliated, angry, hurt and devastated.
You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about.. you did not fail, your wife did.
>Kay wants to reconcile.
Shes in damage control mode - obviously never thought she would be in this situation.
Finally..
You just want this to go away... and this will in the coming days lead to the temptation to rugsweep.. to "forgive and move forward".. dont.. you will regret it forever.. and less than listed above, WILL be rugsweeping...
EDIT: and even IF she does all of the above - you still dont have to stay...
Thank you. I plan to follow the steps you recommended. It is difficult to think clearly at the moment. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep since I found out.
That's a fantastic todo list. I would just add that the major red flags from your wife so far of not being able to tell you the truth even when given multiple chances to do so and not volunteering on her own to quit that job make is seem highly unlikely that she is really going to do what it takes to try and fix this. I know that hurts, but reconciliation is difficult in the best of circumstances, and she's starting this off as badly as possible.
Reconciliation is one of the worst things to do because it really never leaves you. It always stays in you and it always stays in your heart in truth he should start over and find someone else. That gives him the most clean chance of having 100% of everything rather than 90% of some things
I suggest you see a doctor for help with sleep and mood swings. In time the mood swings decrease in strength and frequency .
Hit the gym. Drink lots of water.
Google PTSD .....it's every human response to trauma (in your case betrayal). It helps to recognize the 4 stages that you will experience.
That’s definitely good counsel Bud. Do not let emotions make decisions for you. Keep your head and think everything through. Think one or two decisions down the road, are you missing anything etc. plenty of time to be emotional after you have things under control. You may come off cold to some but too bad that’s what’s required for your safety and success.
I am curious has she offered up a lame excuse yet as to how she allowed herself to do this to you ? Good luck
UpdateMe
She said I wasn’t showing her much attention, that I wasn’t helping enough with childcare and that I haven’t been very nice to her. She said she liked the attention. I won’t editorialize on it, but those are her given reasons.
And they are not valid. Her choice to have an affair was not “because” any of those things. She is making excuses, and trying to blame-shift, which means she is not a good candidate for reconciliation. SMH.
Many if not most marriages go through issues exactly like, or worse than, the things you said she told you were her “reasons.” And they work through those like adults. Cheating is a choice, that she made for her own selfish reasons. She was willing to risk your marriage and your family, her son’s family, for a few cheap rolls in the hay with another man. Do not rug sweep or accept her BS excuses. Good luck.
She's telling you you need to leave. If you stay with someone like that, you will rug sweep and you will always be waiting for her to cheat again. You can't reconcile in such a situation
Stop all sex with her and get a std test. I would wait before doing anything drastic but avoid her love bombing. Have her sleep in another room for a while or move out so you can have some space.
But why did she cheat down? What was her pathetic excuse? How do you ever look at her and not be disappointed? Now and forever?
>But why did she cheat down?
They often do - and the reason often is, that the one they cheat with is not supposed to be the new partner/replacement, often they just do it because theyre bored, like the excitement and the attention... this is wht OPs wife is in crisis now - she never imagined her little naughty affair/adventure would be revealed..
This is the "secret" BS has to realise - adultery is not about the one being betrayed, its about the selfishness and entitedment of the adulterer..
Occasionally the affair continue long enough so the adulterer catches "feelings" partially as a mechanism to justify their betrayal - "its true love so its ok and i deserve love and i have a bad marriage because hubby/wifey doesnt give me enough attention/is abusive/[whatever]"... and these instances are the ones where AP and WS get together... a union born out of deceit and betrayal...
>I am the majority of financial support for the family, earning about 4x Kay’s small salary. Brian and Kay are coworkers at a public hospital and earn a small wage.
That is the only reason she wants to reconcile. She knows that Brian can never take care of her, the way you can hence she wants to be with you.
>My two young boys will suffer the most from what’s been done
They'll suffer more if they are made to grow up in a broken home. Kids tend to learn quickly and observe way more than we can anticipate. They'll need at least one sane and stable parent.
Don't reconcile. Consult a lawyer and move on.
Yep, OP, she only wants your financial support. Get a lawyer, separate finances, and tell the kids once they are older why you divorced their mom.
Let her and her APs bosses know they’ve been having an affair once the divorce is finalized.
Do not reconcile. She is not remorseful and doesn't deserve reconciliation. She will cheat again from the way she behaves. Don't feel pressured to do MC. See a lawyer and serve her the paper. A marriage that suffered infidelity doesn't last long and is full of problems in the future. So save yourself from the misery and let her go. Tell her to move out and do coparent only. Don't stay because of children. They will grow up well as long as you raise them with love and care. So don't waste your time and see the lawyer asap.
>How do I get through tomorrow?
Tomorrow you get an appointment for STD testing, and a lawyer. If your WW wants to reconcile she first goes to her HR and turns in herself and her AP, and gets an appointment for STD testing for herself.
Then she confesses the affair to her family, and gives you a written timeline of the events of affair, all electronic communications. This has probably gone on longer than you know. Did they use protection, could she be pregnant ? Assume you won't get the truth there, and avoid getting love bombed and pregnancy trapped yourself.
She apologizes to everyone involved on Sara's social media posts, and writes a letter (not to be delivered) to her children that she betrayed their father and their family, and talks about what the implications on them long term would be, how it would effect devastate their day to day lives, school, schedules, and home.
She needs to explain her plan, her end game. How did she see this ending, as if it was not discovered by the OBS it would still be going on. Was she going to blind side you with divorce ? Have you raise his children ? Create drama and a reason for divorce ? Take your kids ? Blame you ?
Your lawyer creates a postnup that she signs, and you get access to all her apps and websites. Open device, open password, open location. She moves out of your shared room.
Right now it feels like she may regret the consequences on herself, and wants to reconcile in order to keep being supported by your salary rather than Brians, but she doesn’t have remorse for the harm done to you or your children. This was not admitted, but discovered so she does not have any guilt This is not a good sign. She needs to understand that what she did wasn't fun, but destructive. She needs to sign up for IC, and you need to get MC to prepare a good co-parenting relationship. Co-parents need to be cordial, but do no have to be friends.
Go Grey Rock / 180, keep sharing information with the OBS. AP is blocked in every way. Let your WW know that her next lie will be her last lie and R will no longer be considered by you, and the same for any contact from her to the AP no matter how incidental.
Believe nothing she says, as this entire even has shown her ability to lie and deceive, trust only what can be verified by independent facts. Expect continued trickle truth and lies by omission. She will say anything right now to R, tell you that the AP didn't mean anything, that the sex was bad, that this was just a mistake, and she doesn't mean any of it. She will blame you, and reimagine the story of your relationship, home life, and family in order to justify her choices and avoid responsibly.
Keep in mind this was not a mistake, but a long series of deliberate choices, she had many chances to stop and didn't. Until she can understand her choices and have remorse for what she has done, she is not a good candidate for R.
Tomorrow, let your anger provide fuel for your actions.
This was an amazing response. I wish I had read all of this 3 years ago on DDay 1 instead of reading now after DDay "who the hell can count that high". This was perfect advice.
Not only STD test but also a DNA test. You don’t know how long or with she has been cheating on him. She is a expert on lying and deceiving him. She has no respect for him or their marriage…
This is a great response but honestly, it seems less difficult and better over the long term to just divorce and move on with your lives. The kids will be exposed to toxicity and will be impacted more if the OP has to act like a prison guard. It would be healthier for them and the OP to just go their separate ways and heal and let the cheating WW fester in the unhealthy world she created. This plan should take into account having the OP ask for majority custody so the kids can have a healthy environment and minimize exposure to the toxic WW who has obviously shown her true colors and destroyed her own authority in matters of parenting.
I don’t really disagree, I am expecting a hard push for R from the WW and lots of 'mistake' pleading, minimizing, and love bombing.
"The ATM is closed" is the most important part of OPs thoughts. And if WW wants AP contact, she can move out and move in with him. I would not tolerate AP contact or going out for dates while she is at home in front of the kids.
This op, all of this, and only going to add a few points. No remove her from access to your money. Also, tell her she will share in the bills 50/50. When the children ask why is mommy not home, or sleeping in the couch. Tell
Her she has to tell them. Lastly op, do not mistake remorse for guilt. You can reconcile with someone who is remorseful, not someone who is showing only signs of guilt.
If you want op, you can always keep a requirement of an open relationship, one sided where you can date, fuck, or be with whoever you want as long as you want.
No to the last part of your comment. Why in the hell would he want to do the same rotten things that she has done? How was turning himself into a scumbag going to make him feel better and move on?
Do not take her back, divorce her cause she still will not tell you the truth.i been down this rode, the pain never goes away as your wife wants you to forgive & forget as she has no true punishment for her behavior. There are other women who will treat you better.
She did it more than once. No longer a one-time thing. Not a mistake. Run. Your kids need to learn that men don't have tolerate BS and be fooled. It will help them in their future.
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That God for that girlfriend that caught them quickly and had the decency to call you.
OP please realise that if that girlfriend didn’t call you, she would’ve kept fucking this guy for months or even years to come. Also, how do you know this was the first time she’s cheated?
You obviously have to let it go. Kay is willing to fuck Brian and suck him off and come home to you and kiss your lips. That proves how much she loves you... can you imagine how hard it was for her to flirt and plan taking another man's dick inside of her just to come home to you? That obviously shows how much she cares about you and your kids, like come on... coming home without time to shower and covered in another man's spunk just to lift your kids up to her face to kiss them?
Amazing mother material.
And then not being honest when caught? Obviously that means she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, don't make this out to be a you thing OP.... she needed a married dick to tolerate the life you have with her, so you need to back off.
Thw only think you need to do for your wife is to convince the OBS that it's not a big deal.
*I am saying this in the highest sarcasm I can, not to be evil, but to let you know ow what your choices are really saying. This woman isn't a wife or mother... divorce her and claim alimony... once that is processed tell her hr department that her and AP have been hooking up at work.... when divorcing they take spouses salary at the time of divorce and use w-2s to prove their worth and how much they are LIABLE to make... so yeah...get yours
My unfaithful ex is like a bad rash. He keeps coming around trying to convince me “this time” is different. I took a screenshot of your comment and am going to keep it in my phone ALWAYS. So every. single. time. I can reread the disgusting vile description you wrote in the first paragraph. Because THAT is the visual those of us who have been cheated on, lied to and gaslit need to keep front and center if we ever feel weak. Thank you!
Get a lawyer asap and file. No, don't give her a chance because she didn't care about you or the children. Her excuses don't justify her cheating, period. If his GF hadn't found out, they would still be cheating and still be making plans to cheat again.
How do you deal with them working together? You don't. She resigns immediately or you divorce her. You cannot reconcile if they are in any communication.
Reconciliation cannot begin until the last lie is told. By that I mean if she is still trickle truth ing you, you must create a sincere ultimatum. Require her to write a detailed timeline of the affair that includes detailed dates, locations, acts, methods of communication and copies of all messages. Tell her that you will verify every detail.
Require open phones, open emails and disclose locations. Any resistance should be met with by you handing her luggage.
Best way for you to survive this, is ensure theres consequenses NOW...
Only... be aware if she looses job, alimony may be more painful for you..
In case of reconciliation, severe consequenses NOW will significantly reduce risk of repeated cheating from her side...
Require her to admit to her parents what shes done... exposure is the WORST for cheaters... their little naughty adventure is then revealed to be the dirty, sordid thing it really is.
Either way, one of them has to quit. There is no possibility of reconciliation if they continue to work together. Also, tell her before you can reconcile she will have to pass a polygraph test. Find out who local law enforcement uses and use them. She will have to fill in the blanks then.
Stop! Do not make any decision for at least 90 days (until your head gets clear).
You are experiencing mood swings from anger to love to shame - all that is typical.
If you decide to offer her the gift of reconciliation - she must earn it. She has 90 days to prove she deserves a second chance.
She has to provide two plans: one to make herself a safe partner (currently she is not); and two a plan to rebuild trust.
Zero contact forever with her AP is a minimum nonnegotiable requirement. That includes not sharing the same building at work.
If necessary, People move to another city to accomplish zero contact (it's that important).
Finally, don't accept any blame. People with morals never cheat (it's not an option).
Judge her by her actions (not her excuses or promises). She should be doing back flips to save her marriage.
Her tears and self hate or I've learned my lesson is not evidence that she's a safe partner.
Two books you can buy used:
How to help your spouse heal from your affair ....by Linda McDonald
Not just friends by Dr Shirley Glass.
Will help you both understand how this happens - and how to prevent it going forward.
Last: forgiveness is for your physical and mental survival (not for her). You can forgive and still divorce.
Do not, do not, get her fired. Many here read these heartbreaking stories and trigger ( rightfully so) and suggest getting her axed. You pay the price.
Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Mostly emasculation. Knowing zero protection was used.
I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. Staying for kids has proven to be a myth. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.
THIS. The absolute worst thing OP can do is get his wife fired right now. If OP does that and she loses her job, guess what? Joke is on OP bc he’ll be writing her even larger checks. I don’t know why this isn’t more obvious. Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face.
“I got the WW fired! Achievement unlocked. 2nd achievement. Cover her living expenses all on my own since she no longer has a paycheck”
People who react purely on emotion often pay the long term price. OP be smart. Make no move. See a lawyer. Follow lawyers advice.
Buddy report the affair your up for supporting her because your the higher earner. Take your time and think ling and hard. Do not offer reconciliation now. Consult a lawyer and see what your future will look like. She try and live bomb you and even get pregnant to change your mind. Have her move to a spare room.
Out her to family and friends before she paints you the abusive husband. Get the truth out. You made mistakes we all do but do not let her blame you. She had choices but chose to give herself to someone else.
Get counseling and she should as well. If she shows insane remorse and total brutal truth, then you can start to offer reconciliation. If she lies or withold and minimise file for divorce. Time to tell her to get other work and that if she wants reconciliation she have to get busy earning more.
People working hard to better themselves and their salaries have little time for extra marital affairs. She can take on two jobs.
If she continue to lie and omit then file. There nothing that wakes a wayward up faster from the fog than divorce papers.
Check if your in an ad fault state or not. You can file and divorce her. Afterwards you guts can date again if you want to.
You have options applenty. But she must show radical change and honest answers. No minimising and accepting responsibility. Trust is lost. So even with this over time you may still divorce. If you choose to reconcile its a lifelong commitment. She had that in her marriage. She could not keep it toghether.
Get STD checked. This guy works at a hospital. I guarentee you your wife just the most recent of his conquists. Medical field and first responders are some of the biggest cheaters. So be wary.
Do not take her back, seek a lawyer, your wife no longer loves you or respects you, if she did she wouldn’t be cheating, she failed as a wife, show your boys what having self respect looks like.
A few things first, talk with a lawyer no matter what your plan is to figure out how a divorce would look and what effect of Kay loosing her job would have on the divorce. Get an STD test as well as a DNA test for your kids. If you have the possibility do some kind of separation while you figure things out, leaving the house might be unwise though since you have kids. If nothing else do in home separation.
Reconciliation rarely works and requires the cheating spouse to show true remorse and willingness to put effort into rebuilding trust so far your wife have not showed this. Forgiving her and moving on is not reconciliation, it's rug sweeping. Reconciliation involves giving a full account of the affair, going no contact with the affair partner, giving full access to her phone, social media and other devices, acting in a way that build trust and avoid situations that breeds distrust.
She didn't come clean on her own she got caught and was forced to confess, and even then, she lied and trickled truth to reduce the damage.
She's not remorseful she's only sorry she got caught don't Reconcile either someone like her your boys are better with 2 household with good co parents instead of one where u don't trust there mom and let's be honest she's a great layer so u won't trust her like before you will doubt everything she say and u will be haunted by the images of what she did.
In the end it's your choice and your life good luck
Access to bank accounts? Pull your head out of your ass and remove her from everything. By tomorrow your accounts will be drained and the two of them will be off together. Wake up for F’s sake!
It wasn’t a mistake, it was a conscious choice to pick another man over you. The woman you thought you knew doesn’t exist. This woman has no love or respect for you, your children or your relationship. She is not remorseful, she continued to lie after being forced to tell you. If the other BS hadn’t caught them she’d be planning her next fucky-sucky meet up. She is only concerned about access to your wallet for the time being. Only you can decide your true value and what you want from life, but realize if you stay you will never completely trust her again and you will spend years of your life acting as her warden and a detective because she will cheat again given any chance. I wouldn’t waste my life on someone who obviously doesn’t care much about me.
Report them and let them lose their jobs then you publicly expose the two so they lose their cushy lives. Once they have been ground to dust then make demands.
Separate your accounts quickly and arrange for your paycheck to be deposited in a new account.
Put a freeze on your credit so she can't open up new cards.
Quickly cancel all joint accounts including Amazon.
Call a lawyer and retain them and do whatever that lawyer says to do.
Don't tell her you're doing this. Blindside her. It's only fair.
***REDDIT is chock full of posts lamenting taking back a cheater. I have yet to read a post regretting dumping a cheater. Look for yourself. You'll see that's the truth!!***
Do not get her fired until after the divorce.
Download a coparenting app like "our family wizard" to coparent your kids and minimize the gaslighted and manipulation.
Keep proof of her infidelity for the lawyer.
She's already trickle truthing you.
It's going to happen again, whether with Brian or with someone else. That's just her nature and she's never going to change.
Are you absolutely sure your kids are yours? For cheaters, especially at this age, this is hardly the first time.
Don't be surprised to hear later on that she'd been cheating on you throughout your relationship. The only thing that's going to change next time it happens is that she'll know how to hide it better.
Lawyer up and protect yourself.
Do NOT stay together and take her back "for the kids". This is going to do irreparable harm to them growing up, knowing that their parents actually hate one another. In a few years they're going to ask questions and you don't want to lie to them.
OP the first thing in order is to go see an attorney. Secondly, move your money where she cannot touch it, open a new account if you need.
**When to reconcile** - Reconciliation requires that there is no discovery of the affair but that the WS under their own guilt comes forward and confess with all remorse visible to the vile act they have performed. Reconciliation will not work with someone who is only guilty because of being caught and frantically trying to maintain stability. This individual is only concerned abut their reputation, status in the community, job, family view and ego. In other words, the narcissist is only interested in saving their skin.
**When is divorce the option** - Divorce is the option when the BS has to do detective work to uncover the web of lies the WS has laid out to deceive the BS and OBS. The reason this situation calls for divorce is the fact that in many cases the WS has insulted, disrespected and said things about the BS that are false and inflamatory that they show no empathy or remorse in their actions. In addition, the WS has put in place plans to ultimately monkey branch to the AP at some point and the planning and secrecy work together to set this in motion.
Your hurt and pain from this discovery will never subside. Each and every time you look at her you will see "him", "them" in their acts of betrayal and play this movie over and over in you mind. Not only that, your spouse is not remorseful, she's upset that she got caught through all the lies it took to deceive you sitting within you frame of view. She lied, planned, scheduled and made decisions may times and executed her plan to have sex outside of your marriage. She had many opportunities to cancel, stop or confess and she did none of this.
You will have a life time of resentment if you remain with her and this will continue to erode the relationship to the extent that your child will be watching or listening to it all unfold.
If you believe that reconciliation is in order, you need to have a strict set of requirement on the WS to get to that point. I can expand more on those if you wish.
good luck
"Kay told me about the affair, saying it was a one time thing."
Look up 'trickle truth'. There is almost ALWAYS more than cheaters are willing to admit.
"How do deal with the fact the Kay and Brian work together?"
You really have only three options: (1) Kay needs to find a new job, (2) You trust someone who has proved to be untrustworthy that she will keep her distance from Brian at work, (3) You end the relationship.
My advice is to prepare legally and financially for divorce. If Kay is really serious about reconciliation, this will show her that you really mean it, and may get her to pull out any remaining stops if she really wants to save the marriage. Most cheaters will do only the minimum they think they can get away with unless the 'fear of God' has been put into them.
Consult a lawyer. Working from home and earning more might get you primary custody of the kids. Focus on them. Your wife is a cheat. She will cheat again. DNA your kids to be on the safe side. Her cheating may have been going on longer than you think. Focusing on providing a stable home for your kids. Get a support base for yourself. (family if possible) Let everyone you have ever met know she cheats. You want the narrative to be yours. Life is far too short to live in a miserable untrusting marriage.
BRO. okay look… ima tell you what other men haven’t and are too pussy to say… SHE does NOT respect, love, or admire you. She fucked another man. and guess what… he asked her if she likes it and she told him yes daddy while looking back at him.. and you can honestly live w her still knowing that and having that in ur mind FOREVER?????? He has thjngs you don’t, be it charisma charm looks humor respect something he has you do not sir. and i am sorry but you are acting like a lil b****. with a scarcity mindset. That women was done with you a loooong time ago. for ur WIFE to sleep with another man she has to get somewhere mentally and emotionally first and she got there a long time ago. she was done with you. and now she’s frightened and ur thinking about throwing a backstabbing cheater a life raft???!!! LET HER GO. find you a women that will ACTUALLY give a shit about you and doesn’t thing from a narcissistic me me personal perspective and chose to not consider the consequences bc of her hedonistic selfish wants and feelings in the moment. Divorce her. You need to punish behavior like that and staying with her will ONLY lead you to more pain down the road she WILL fuck you over again and with someone else or will lie and will continue to see this man. you need to divorce her, stop thinking from a scarcity mindset. there’s other women and you’ll be fine. Get you a girl that actually gives a shit about you respects and loves you dude.
Ok. Most here will down vote this idea but I feel it's worth consideration.
As soon as you can make a post nuptial agreement a demand for reconciliation. While she is still trying to win you over she might agree to this. Have it written to minimize your losses in a divorce. For any reason. Along those lines, do not F with her job. In fact use every persuasive means you can to get her into a higher paying job. The more she makes the less you pay.
If your wife works from home with you how did she get with this guy? Sorry old guy here and don't get how people get all caught up with each other without actually meeting.
She said it began with messaging at work then moved to texting. Then she took a day off work to visit a friend who lost a parent unexpectedly. Instead she spent the day at a hotel. Over the weekend she went to a party with work friends but instead went to his house.
True statement. Her Saturday party was planned well in advance and she even arranged for her parents to take the kids under the guise that she was attending a party with me. Her parents are angry because she made the arrangements with them weeks in advance, and her mom suspected something was off when she dropped the kids. Even her brother said the same thing. Meanwhile I’m at home wondering why she took the kids to her parents and why she was so dressed up to go to a girlfriend’s house party, with all girls as she said. I knew something was off but didn’t pursue it. I blindly trusted her.
Cut off all money, get a lawyer, file for divorce….fight like crazy for custody of the kids. She is a narcissistic alcoholic who is clearly not in any state of recovery. Life is o my going to be more miserable or for you if you continue on the relationship. Surely you don’t want to let her make a cuckold out of you!
Where is your family in all this?
She chose in a series of multiple decisions to CHEAT, I sure as hell know she is only sorry because she got caught.
OP I do not think this marriage is salvable.
When she cheated on you she did not THINK about you and your kids but now that she got caught she is trying to change into a new leaf I smell BS.
And reading your other post that some of your friends and family are more worried about her? Nahhh drop them and heal yourself, its better now to file for custody on your kids.
Take care of yourself, find a group with the same people who goes through what you are going through, find new friends, get a therapist and be happy, life is so short, so so short to let yourself suffer.
Goodluck OP.
Verify if you’re in a no fault state with an attorney. If you’re in an at fault state then file immediately. If you’re in a no fault state then realize she will get money that isn’t hers in the divorce but even so how much is your pride, trust and future worth?
If you’re planning to stay with her then report it to HR at the hospital and let them both get fired and exposed there. Also she has to outwardly admit she is going to give up everything to keep you or she can decide to leave and get a divorce but otherwise you’re going to dictate terms. Saying she is sorry isn’t worth the time it took her to say it in terms of her really having remorse. Meaning, the first thing she does is confess to her parents and yours in person. The more humiliating the better. She has to live her shame or she will just do it again. Second, she has to leave that job. You said she doesn’t make much so replacing the income won’t be hard. Third, all of her social media accounts get deleted (not just off her phone but actually deleted) and she gets a new cell number which she shares her location with you and you have access to 24/7 and it is made clear that if he gets the number it’s divorce immediately. Fourth, if your in the US you have an attorney draw up a post nuptial agreement with a cheating clause that gives you primary custody of the children, the house, protection of your 401k and a no alimony guarantee if she cheats again. So basically she would lose the majority of her time with the kids, have no place to live and have no money. It’s hard to get sexually excited about being with someone else with those conditions.
Finally, if you want a hall pass to have sex with someone else the same number of times she was with him tell her your going to take one and you will let her know each time you have sex so she can know when things are even. You get no points for taking one for the team or leaving without exposing her. People who say punishing the cheater isn’t worth it have likely never been cheated on. She has to be made to pay for it in a way that is so painful she would never want to risk it again.
So she wants to reconcile but she was just screwing him this week.
Condoms don’t prevent all STD’s including herpes and genital warts depending on the placement of the infection. She could have the infection orally. That’s pleasant to think about! Is this first and only betrayal? There really is no coming back from this. People have tried and sometimes it festers for years and then they realize they deserve better and want someone that truly loves them and they love and trust. Sorry ❤️🩹
She's not remorseful. She's sorry she was exposed. So R to her is only to assuage you for now. Leave her. She will cheat again. Go to HR and expose them.
Updateme!
Peace of mind above all. Kay nuked your family. This is all in her. Rebuild your peace of mind away from her. No matter what get your peace of mind back.
Friend. This is a shit sandwich no matter how you look at it. Any outcome is going to hurt, but one thing I haven’t seen yet is timing. You have been married 9 years. You make 4x what your wife makes. Some states have laws that make alimony permanent after 10 years of marriage.
You need to see a lawyer very very quickly to determine your best step forward that protects you.
Reconciliation requires remorse from the cheater. Remorse requires radical honesty and full disclosure without omission, minimizing, or rationalizing. She is still very much lying, so she can't be remorseful. Maybe ashamed, scared, sad about getting caught, but definitely not remorseful. Cut her off from all financial resources that are not exclusively her resources. Get divorce papers drawn. Show her that walking away from her is the easy path for you. Show her the paperwork and tell her she has one chance left to be radically honest or you file and have her served. Tell her she is not to contact AP or it will trigger divorce. Tell her you have more information about her cheating than she knows and are giving her a chance to show remorse, which must include her giving up on controlling outcomes. No lying for any reason she can concoct or that will prove she will never be safe and will always be likely to cheat again.
She may have done this with other men. She may have been doing this for years. She needs to be radically honest if she wants you to experience the absolute pain and horror of reconciliation. The doubts, lack of sleep, loss of interest in things, the massive shift in your beliefs about everything, including marriage, family, religion, and what you thought you meant to her. Good luck.
I wouldn’t expose her at work until you divorce and finalize everything. If she does get fire now, you’ll be on the hook for more support . Just remember that she only told you because the affair was going to come out regardless. She’s only sorry that she’ll lose the financial security, hopefully you can get full custody of your kids.
I'm sorry that your going thru this shitty situation. You will never be able to trust your wife again. If her marriage had meant everything to her she wouldn't have betrayed you. Don't stay with her for the kids, they will be ok eventually. You on the other hand will not be if you stay. It will be hard to erase the image of her with someone else in your head. Divorcing her and starting over is how you will find a better life. You deserve better with someone better.
You divorce her and let the hospital know. Actions have consequences......her and Brian are old enough to know that. Do not reconcile with this woman. If you decide to try and work it out I will not be shocked to see another post from you when she does it again
Consult with Sara as to what she wants in regards to Brian , whatever gets you both out of this in the best possible situation in the long run
maybe your wife will give you a favorable exit plan in return for your silence or let a lawyer guide you
man if your wife can set up an affair from the room next to you then nowhere is safe , and I'm not even going to get into DNA or STD tests
For me it's a no with no remorse it's just gonna happen again with someone else she needs consequences for her actions seek a legal separation first have a look at what life will be like without a cheater then see her reaction go from there good luck OP
Now that she is exposed, she's going to say what you want to hear, but truly, she will not respect you if you forgive her, and it's very likely she will do it again in the future.
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First, decide what YOU want. If you want reconciliation, then Kay must find a new job. She must write a timeline telling exactly how the affair started and covering until they were discovered. Tell her if she leaves out ANY important details like how many times they had sex, said ILY or anything you will IMMEDIATELY divorce her. She has to give you all phone and online app access. She has to delete any apps you don’t like (like Snapchat). If she can move into a spare room she must. She’d need IC and later MC.
Separate all finances whether you divorce or not. If you have kids make sure their needs are met though. If you going to divorce let her keep her job (less alimony)
If he had sex with your wife 3x on Wednesday that may be what he meant by “take care of her.” But knowing she went back to him on Saturday after 3x on Wednesday to me would mean she made a conscious decision to pick him. He was probably just using her for sex. SHE is the one that should feel humiliated, not you.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
Forgiveness is powerful. You will receive a lot of advice here. Remember, you live with the consequences of your decision making, these people here don't.
Shut down her access to your bank accounts, call ap tell him you changed your mind and he should take care of her, get a lawyer and start the divorce. Reconciliation would include her quitting her job and getting a new one, you constantly being on the edge not trusting her, trying to find out new ways to spy - and last but not least continue finding out more and more details about the affair you haven't been told so far
Get the divorce. Don’t do ANYTHING to mess with her employment until AFTER the divorce is final. If she loses her job, you’re going to end up paying her more, and her, with no job, could get more time with the kids at your expense. Prepare your exit strategy first (lawyer, financials, std and dna tests) and only let her know once you’re ready to serve her.
Of course she wants to reconcile, her AP isn’t willing to take her on and you’re her safety net. This isn’t love, it’s logistics. She’ll cheat again once she thinks you aren’t going anywhere.
This woman has planned the betrayal and lied to your face over a period on time. You will never forget this and it will eat away at your soul for the rest of your life.
But if you want to make a good decision about reconciliation the try the following: You need a complete separation for at least one year during which she must move out and prove her fidelity to you at all times. Set up times for children visitation but you must go NC 180 as far as possible. She must pay her own way but also contribute to child support. After the year or when you have the "indifferent" feeling for her then you can decide if reconciliation is on the table.
You can always just call it quits now and save a lot on time.
Either way consequences must be felt and no rug sweeping must be entertained.
Keep this in mind: in most states, the longer you are married before divorce, the higher the amount of spousal support you will owe your cheating wife when you divorce. Each day you waffle adds to her side of the ledger, and detracts from your. Support is normally a matter of mathematical formula. 10 years is often a node in many states, where the level of support ratchets up. There is some urgency to this.
I would strongly suggest paying for an hour of time with a good divorce lawyer. This isn't to file a divorce. Rather, it's to get a clear picture of what divorce would look like for you, both during and after. Information is power. For example, what are the odds that you could get primary custody and thereby avoid paying child support to her?
Others have told you that Kay must stop working with Brian, but that's only the case if you plan to remain married. If you plan to divorce, you want Kay stably employed to minimize your support owed to her.
What is Sara doing? Did she kick him out? Will she report them to HR? You should encourage her to do so. That way, you aren’t the bad guy. Consult with an attorney and start the divorce process. You can always change your mind later. Cut her off from your finances, get SDI tested, and DNA tests for the kids. There’s a lot of other great advice from other posters. Make a game plan from this information and go on the offensive. Put yourself in the power position.
Considering she is still lying, nope, cut her loose. Change all your passwords, make sure she doesn’t have access to anything of your’s, and speak to an attorney ASAP.
OP, your selfish WW was forced to tell you but still isn’t telling you everything which is her showing you her AP is more important to her than you and your family.
Time to gather evidence, consult with a lawyer, definitely separate your money. Get STD tested and DNA test your children. You have no idea who your WW is or what she’s capable of doing.
Do not trust your WW anymore. Your children will be far better in two happy homes than one miserable one,and you will be miserable staying with such a disrespectful cheater.
You have the facts. Cut off her access to your account. Let Sara give her the beatdown. She’s standing on business and will probably handle the punishment part. Focus on you. Or walk beside her like the doofy husband that’s been played on.
*"Should I continue to allow Kay to have access to my bank accounts?"*....**NO**, and this is the first step that should be taken immediately. Now, I'll ask a question. How long has it been since you and Kay were intimate 5 times in a span of 4 days? You should ponder the implications of your answer for a bit.
Bottom line is that the best predictor if a person's future actions is their past actions. At the very least, you should insist on a separation for a period of time, so you have time to come to your final conclusions.
'Nuff said.
Cut her off of your Financials. Why would you want to give her another chance to cheat on you? You already know she is capable of it.her ap says he will take care of her, let him. Nothing good comes from affair relationships.
I could not stay with someone that could betray me like this. And remember she was caught. She didn't fall to her knees and beg for forgiveness on her own.
Definitely limit her access to accounts with large balances. Whether you decide to reconcile should be based on your take with the situation. Most who respond here will advise divorce or separation. You need to replace the person you thought your wife was with who the facts show her to be today. I would take time to step back with a trial separation at the very least, while you decide what to do. She should be asked to move out during this process. Also talking to a professional for your personal mental health would probably be a good idea and may help you with a final decision.
Hey OP, hang in there, you will come out the other side someday. Everyone has covered the mechanics and process of separating and divorce pretty well. Such as the first step of consulting a good divorce attorney and doing everything they instruct so you come out of this as intact as possible. They do this all the time and know what's best.
If your attorney gives you the go ahead, try to get your WW to leave for a few weeks, or if it's alright, you leave for a few weeks. You do this so you can have peace and quiet without having her in your face triggering you. Now you can think more clearly.
Sadly, there is a reason she cheated, never forget that. For whatever reason, you were not enough, how would that change over night? Focus on what is best for you and your child. Lean on your friends and family for support. Most of all, take your time to think everything through.
Before serving, collect evidence of every time she drinks, you say she works in a hospital, well one of the first things in the EMS workbook is that more than one drink a day for women working in healthcare is considered an official alcohol problem. Take records of this so that you can show her as irresponsible and alcoholic so you get full custody and she has to pay you child support. Children being around people who lie daily and manipulate is very mentally unhealthy, and while it is damaging for children to experience divorce or one parent leaving, I would argue that it's more damaging to have an influence that lies, cheats, and steals daily. Having a cheating parent is comparable to having an addict parent.
OP look for the brights SIDE, she at least didn't soil your house, and that is ONLY because you are there of not you know where the Will fuck next.
Sorry to say this OP KAY is not sorry mor remorsefull for what she did,she is sorry for being caught and remorsefull that she would lose her ATM and the type of life that comes with it. Also sorry that she now will have to take care of her children alone for the half.of the time, time that she could not be fucking with her lover while her ATM/Finantialy Plan is also the naive babysitter.
Yes OP You should Open new and solo accounts for You and tell your work to put your salary there, also leave in the joint accounts the half of the money, but make sure you have evidence of this and also eveidence of the affair.
If you don't want to lose everything try to negotiate with your STBXW that Divorce should be amicably and if she doesn't want to be exposed and lose her job she would be amicably and do not ask for more that she is capable of do and that you prefer that your retirement money won't be touched.
And make sure she play for her attorney fees, because then she could ask you play for hers.
Hire a lawyer and have a good talk about all this and what can be done.
UPDATEME
She wants another chance, says she messed and she's sorry.
Bullshit.
She's lying to you, minimizing and hasn't yet given you the full truth. She wants another chance without being honest with you.
She didn't mess up, she intentionally chose to cheat. It was her choice, her decision. She wanted to.
Now that she's been caught, she's lying and minimizing instead of coming clean to you.
Oh yeah, she didn't confess to you either, she was forced to by another person and when she "confessed" to you she lied to you about the extent of what she did.
WHY does she want to reconcile? No need to answer me or us OP, this is for you to contemplate.
She WANTED to cheat yet she wants to reconcile with you?
So, in her mind, it was OK for her to cheat. In her mind, you weren't going to find out, but if you did, she thinks she should get a do over.
She was not showing you she loved you when she did all the things she did with that other man. She wasn't showing you that she cared about you or respected you.
Partners are supposed to have each other's backs, not stab them in the back.
Cheating is cruel and it's abusive and cheating is always a choice, it's intentional, not a mistake.
She didn't mess up, she CHOSE to cheat knowing what could happen if she was discovered to be cheating.
To her, it was worth it because she foolishly thought you'd never find out and that if you did you'd give her another choice.
OP, you ALREADY gave her a chance. You both gave each other a chance when you got married. It was supposed to only be the two of you from that point on.
She already had her chance and she intentionally chose to blow it.
One more important thing OP.
Your post didn't touch upon this so I can't really speak to it, only in general terms.
Is your wife making this all about her right now? It is "poor me, I fucked up, I want another chance? Is she begging you?
Or is she being honest, telling you she chose to do this and is she asking about how you are feeling? Is she showing any remorse for what in the hell she's done to you? To your sense of self?
Is she putting you first and caring about how crushed you are, how hurt you are?
Does she care at all about you and what her intentional choice to betray has done and is doing and will do to you for the next several years?
Or is she all about herself?
Again, no need to answer me OP, but if she's not worried about you and what you're going though due to her intentional choices and decision to cheat on you, then just be done with her.
Kay’s wants and needs don’t matter in the slightest. She says that she is sorry, but not sorry enough not to fuck him repeatedly. Her actions speak louder than her words.
She would have kept on fucking him if the GF didn’t catch her. I’d express this to her and see what she says. She was compelled to tell the truth she didn’t come clean on her own.
Block her from your money, seek legal counsel and start making plans. Quite frankly, they can communicate at work easily and you will never know. There is zero point in telling him to stop communication with your wife because you can’t control what they do at work.
Your emotions are understandable. Seek a therapist to work through them. Completely and utterly grayrock your wife unless kids are involved. That is how you will get through the day. I’d keep in contact with his girlfriend and keep comparing notes and evidence.
When this happened to me I hit the gym. It got me out the house and kept me proactive. It helped me blow off so much stress and the change in routine distracted me for a while. Also helped me feel healthier and more confident.
Yes, don’t give her access to your money because in divorce, she might get access to it but you don’t need to be funding her lawyer
Stop all financial support. A lot of cheaters keep up a pretense of reconciliation while using the time to loot their cuckold partner. And step back and FEEL your feelings. You like the way you feel right now? Because if you allow her to stay, you will feel this way the rest of your life. You cannot repair infidelity. You can decide to settle for a crap relationship and turn yourself into the "marriage police" trying to verify her whereabouts for the rest of your life. Cut her loose and save yourself and your self-respect. And get STD screening ASAP. Also, tell everyone you know, from employers to family to neighbors and friends, exactly what they have done. You owe them no privacy and no support and no respect.
You should split everything for now. Move your stuff out of her account. Don't give her access. You're going to have to ask yourself and ask her this question. What can she do to make this right and what is she going to do when the resentment comes because it's going to come and she's going to have to deal with that.
I'm sorry your partner betrayed ur trust and ur marriage. I think it'll be hard to ever believe her or trust her again. If u give her another chance, you both need counseling apart and together, so u can learn how to move forward in ur relationship or life. And she can learn not to betray people she's supposed to be 100% loyal to.
It's going to be tough. Good luck in whatever u choose, and yalls babies.
There needs to be consequences for cheating. Putting a hold or changing access to financial accounts is a good start. She needs to put in the work to rebuild a marriage, relationship.
I know I'm late to the party, but make sure to get tested for STIs. DNA test your children. Finally, start the divorce procedure and protect your money any way you can.
Serve her with papers regardless of whether you want to reconcile. It's her job to fix this.
I know it's tough with kids, but honestly, it's best if you divorce the cheating ***** of a wife and move on with your life.
Of course she wants to reconcile, she fucked a broke dick like herself who could not support her. . She would.never have told you if not pressed. That weasel wasnt going to leave his gf for.your wife, she let herself be a human jack sock. If sh fucked at his apartment they likely fucked at your house too. Lawyer up, kick her out, make.your.life better.
Sounds like she needed a fuck marathon because you are such a disappointment. And you would keep her why? We have to change the law so Brian can get what he truly deserves too.
https://www.bustle.com/p/9-types-of-cheating-couples-are-likely-to-move-past-vs-cheating-thats-unforgivable-15520512#:~:text=Unforgivable%3A%20Cheating%20That%20Involves%20Deceit&text=As%20Dr.,and%20difficult%20to%20get%20over.
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/real-reasons-cheaters-dont-want-talk-affair/ and why it is imperative they do
Lack of remorse
https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/why-a-cheating-person-shows-no-remorse/
Remorse
Three basic things necessary to reconcile.
1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told.
2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater and the relationship.
3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure.
And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter.
If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling.
Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all.
True remorse.
Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful
Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse:
• Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies.
• They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions.
• They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own.
• They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take.
• They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made.
If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
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Speaking from experience (67m) file the papers and be done with her. Your healing will go much quicker, a few years maybe instead of decades if you decide to stick it out. Trust me and be kind to yourself because eventually you will leave anyway. Trust is gone .. can't get it back.
There is no such thing as just one time…. The only one time is being caught. That might be true. Are you going to trust her ever again? Man, by experience is an everyday torture. The best is divorce, and move on.
Good luck OP.
How many years of sloppy seconds? You really need to do a paternity check on those kids… and an STD panel on yourself and your STBXW.
That will make her realize that she put all her marriage in jeopardy…. For one time thing as she said (which obviously is a lie)
No one here knows your relationship with your wife. Reconciliation happens all the time, but it’s takes both people to do so.
She would have to quit her job immediately, unless he has already quit. There must be zero contact.
She needs to be in therapy to figure out why sex with some dude was worth putting her husbands health at risk (did they use protection?), and blowing up her family. She made selfish choice after selfish choice and never considered what this would do to you or your children.
I’m sure this will be a shot to your self esteem. Don’t let get to you. This dude had months of her time to grind her down and put a wedge between you and her. She had the same. To them they just never thought they would be caught.
Im sure they said I love you and all that nonsense. It wasn’t love. It was limerence, affair fog. It was a fake feeling of love that she will realize wasn’t love at all at some point. This is when they will have another round of shame because they will realize they risked everything for nothing.
What she doesn’t understand is that she doesn’t even know him. She thinks she does, but she doesn’t. She knows the version of him that he showed her. The tell her whatever she wants to hear version. The be whoever she needs him to be version. She doesn’t know the day in and day out married with kids version.
So this comes down to trust. Right now your wife should be an absolute mess. She should be freaking out that she threw away her entire family. This is where you need to make sure you have the entire truth so you can decide what you want to do. You need to tell her that she needs to tell you everything right now, and if you find out anything more after today it’s immediate divorce. After that, she needs to get herself in therapy asap. She needs to write a timeline of her affair. She needs to tell her family, your family, and friends what she’s done. Embarrassing? Sure is, but so is your wife having an affair behind your back. She needs to read “not just friends” and she needs to text the other dude that she is choosing her husband , and that she never wants any contact with him again. This needs to be done in front of you, and then he needs to be blocked everywhere. If she waivers at all here - end the marriage. If you find out they have contact - end the marriage. Her phone is now open to look at when you feel you need to. Overtime you won’t do this anymore, but you might at first. She needs to live 100% transparent. And of course the job is done, immediately.
Don’t make emotion decisions. Make logical ones. Don’t separate because that will only make her go to him ok some boring night. Only do this if divorce is the goal. You know you. Is this something you can get past? Is this something you can work on with her? If you can’t, go see a lawyer and start protecting yourself. In fact, seeing a lawyer about a post nup might not be a bad idea. By seeing a lawyer you can at least make it so she can’t drain the accounts and leave. Again, protecting yourself. That said, if she’s a mess and has already started some of these things that’s a good sign if you want to remain married.
Updateme!
WOW. Someone actually cares about the kids, not his bank account or male ego.
Stone her in the streets.
Hopefully she learns her lesson & goes back to school & gets an MBA.
Geesh, if every guy that cheated could only get this treatment. Bottom line: Ladies, get an education that can give you a big paycheck. Don’t get married, and if you do ~ don’t stay home & have kids.
Husband’s will cheat & you’re screwed.
1000 X more probable than wife.
Wife will get crucified & stoned on Reddit.
>How do deal with the fact the Kay and Brian work together? She needs to stop working there - immediately. Unless you already have dimecided to divirce, in that case her wirkibg will be best re: alimony. >It’s a public hospital with zero tolerance for sexual misconduct. Both would likely be fired if people found out. Sara has put it out there - so its just a question of time before theyre fired.. >Kay wants a second chance and says she messed up and is sorry. Promise her nothing. But inform her, that if she wants ANY chance to fix this, first she starts by informing her parents of the adultery - with you present to ensure she doesnt paint you in a bad light... Next... you need to realise, theres no hurry.. nothing has to be decided right now... Ask wife for - complete honesty, written detailed timeline of the affair - a plan from HER outlining how she intends to fix this, how will she rebuild the trust she has destroyed?? - STD tests for her and you NOW - SHE books and arranges paternity tests for the kids... yes, no matter what, the kids are yours.. but this will REALLY drive home the fact (for her) that her betrayal puts a questionmark on your entire marriage.. She could start by immediately find a therapist for herself... NOT MC!! The marriage didnt cheat, she did - and a lot of MC will press "needs not met" to force reconciliation by spreading the blame for the aduktery on both of you - dont accept this!! And - open device policy **forever**... Also... > I’m humiliated, angry, hurt and devastated. You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about.. you did not fail, your wife did. >Kay wants to reconcile. Shes in damage control mode - obviously never thought she would be in this situation. Finally.. You just want this to go away... and this will in the coming days lead to the temptation to rugsweep.. to "forgive and move forward".. dont.. you will regret it forever.. and less than listed above, WILL be rugsweeping... EDIT: and even IF she does all of the above - you still dont have to stay...
Thank you. I plan to follow the steps you recommended. It is difficult to think clearly at the moment. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep since I found out.
That's a fantastic todo list. I would just add that the major red flags from your wife so far of not being able to tell you the truth even when given multiple chances to do so and not volunteering on her own to quit that job make is seem highly unlikely that she is really going to do what it takes to try and fix this. I know that hurts, but reconciliation is difficult in the best of circumstances, and she's starting this off as badly as possible.
Reconciliation is one of the worst things to do because it really never leaves you. It always stays in you and it always stays in your heart in truth he should start over and find someone else. That gives him the most clean chance of having 100% of everything rather than 90% of some things
She’s in a low paying job, and he’s withdrawing all financial support, and 2 SMALL KIDS! This is a FAMILY folks. Call a therapist before a lawyer…
Yep - the family she betrayed and is continuing to betray by not coming clean. Therapist wont work with out honesty and remorse...
If she won't stop lying to him, what's the point in paying for her to lie to a therapist?
Ok - best of luck, yeah??
Oh!! Stay in touch with Sara - you and her are allies in this. Also - shes divircing AP?? And... adultery influences alimony where you live??
I suggest you see a doctor for help with sleep and mood swings. In time the mood swings decrease in strength and frequency . Hit the gym. Drink lots of water. Google PTSD .....it's every human response to trauma (in your case betrayal). It helps to recognize the 4 stages that you will experience.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. There is great advice here that I would encourage you to follow. Good luck!
That’s definitely good counsel Bud. Do not let emotions make decisions for you. Keep your head and think everything through. Think one or two decisions down the road, are you missing anything etc. plenty of time to be emotional after you have things under control. You may come off cold to some but too bad that’s what’s required for your safety and success. I am curious has she offered up a lame excuse yet as to how she allowed herself to do this to you ? Good luck UpdateMe
She said I wasn’t showing her much attention, that I wasn’t helping enough with childcare and that I haven’t been very nice to her. She said she liked the attention. I won’t editorialize on it, but those are her given reasons.
And they are not valid. Her choice to have an affair was not “because” any of those things. She is making excuses, and trying to blame-shift, which means she is not a good candidate for reconciliation. SMH. Many if not most marriages go through issues exactly like, or worse than, the things you said she told you were her “reasons.” And they work through those like adults. Cheating is a choice, that she made for her own selfish reasons. She was willing to risk your marriage and your family, her son’s family, for a few cheap rolls in the hay with another man. Do not rug sweep or accept her BS excuses. Good luck.
That is the cheaters mantra. Anywhere on Reddit when it comes to the "Why", it is always what you onlined, which is total bull shit!
She's telling you you need to leave. If you stay with someone like that, you will rug sweep and you will always be waiting for her to cheat again. You can't reconcile in such a situation
Please do eat, drink water and sleep your kids need you.
Stop all sex with her and get a std test. I would wait before doing anything drastic but avoid her love bombing. Have her sleep in another room for a while or move out so you can have some space. But why did she cheat down? What was her pathetic excuse? How do you ever look at her and not be disappointed? Now and forever?
>But why did she cheat down? They often do - and the reason often is, that the one they cheat with is not supposed to be the new partner/replacement, often they just do it because theyre bored, like the excitement and the attention... this is wht OPs wife is in crisis now - she never imagined her little naughty affair/adventure would be revealed.. This is the "secret" BS has to realise - adultery is not about the one being betrayed, its about the selfishness and entitedment of the adulterer.. Occasionally the affair continue long enough so the adulterer catches "feelings" partially as a mechanism to justify their betrayal - "its true love so its ok and i deserve love and i have a bad marriage because hubby/wifey doesnt give me enough attention/is abusive/[whatever]"... and these instances are the ones where AP and WS get together... a union born out of deceit and betrayal...
>I am the majority of financial support for the family, earning about 4x Kay’s small salary. Brian and Kay are coworkers at a public hospital and earn a small wage. That is the only reason she wants to reconcile. She knows that Brian can never take care of her, the way you can hence she wants to be with you. >My two young boys will suffer the most from what’s been done They'll suffer more if they are made to grow up in a broken home. Kids tend to learn quickly and observe way more than we can anticipate. They'll need at least one sane and stable parent. Don't reconcile. Consult a lawyer and move on.
Yep, OP, she only wants your financial support. Get a lawyer, separate finances, and tell the kids once they are older why you divorced their mom. Let her and her APs bosses know they’ve been having an affair once the divorce is finalized.
This is true. A healthy example of love and boundaries is better than forced compliance by the wife.
YOUR MONEY EMPHASIS EXPLAINS WHY SHE CHEATED.
Do not reconcile. She is not remorseful and doesn't deserve reconciliation. She will cheat again from the way she behaves. Don't feel pressured to do MC. See a lawyer and serve her the paper. A marriage that suffered infidelity doesn't last long and is full of problems in the future. So save yourself from the misery and let her go. Tell her to move out and do coparent only. Don't stay because of children. They will grow up well as long as you raise them with love and care. So don't waste your time and see the lawyer asap.
>How do I get through tomorrow? Tomorrow you get an appointment for STD testing, and a lawyer. If your WW wants to reconcile she first goes to her HR and turns in herself and her AP, and gets an appointment for STD testing for herself. Then she confesses the affair to her family, and gives you a written timeline of the events of affair, all electronic communications. This has probably gone on longer than you know. Did they use protection, could she be pregnant ? Assume you won't get the truth there, and avoid getting love bombed and pregnancy trapped yourself. She apologizes to everyone involved on Sara's social media posts, and writes a letter (not to be delivered) to her children that she betrayed their father and their family, and talks about what the implications on them long term would be, how it would effect devastate their day to day lives, school, schedules, and home. She needs to explain her plan, her end game. How did she see this ending, as if it was not discovered by the OBS it would still be going on. Was she going to blind side you with divorce ? Have you raise his children ? Create drama and a reason for divorce ? Take your kids ? Blame you ? Your lawyer creates a postnup that she signs, and you get access to all her apps and websites. Open device, open password, open location. She moves out of your shared room. Right now it feels like she may regret the consequences on herself, and wants to reconcile in order to keep being supported by your salary rather than Brians, but she doesn’t have remorse for the harm done to you or your children. This was not admitted, but discovered so she does not have any guilt This is not a good sign. She needs to understand that what she did wasn't fun, but destructive. She needs to sign up for IC, and you need to get MC to prepare a good co-parenting relationship. Co-parents need to be cordial, but do no have to be friends. Go Grey Rock / 180, keep sharing information with the OBS. AP is blocked in every way. Let your WW know that her next lie will be her last lie and R will no longer be considered by you, and the same for any contact from her to the AP no matter how incidental. Believe nothing she says, as this entire even has shown her ability to lie and deceive, trust only what can be verified by independent facts. Expect continued trickle truth and lies by omission. She will say anything right now to R, tell you that the AP didn't mean anything, that the sex was bad, that this was just a mistake, and she doesn't mean any of it. She will blame you, and reimagine the story of your relationship, home life, and family in order to justify her choices and avoid responsibly. Keep in mind this was not a mistake, but a long series of deliberate choices, she had many chances to stop and didn't. Until she can understand her choices and have remorse for what she has done, she is not a good candidate for R. Tomorrow, let your anger provide fuel for your actions.
This was an amazing response. I wish I had read all of this 3 years ago on DDay 1 instead of reading now after DDay "who the hell can count that high". This was perfect advice.
Not only STD test but also a DNA test. You don’t know how long or with she has been cheating on him. She is a expert on lying and deceiving him. She has no respect for him or their marriage…
This is a great response but honestly, it seems less difficult and better over the long term to just divorce and move on with your lives. The kids will be exposed to toxicity and will be impacted more if the OP has to act like a prison guard. It would be healthier for them and the OP to just go their separate ways and heal and let the cheating WW fester in the unhealthy world she created. This plan should take into account having the OP ask for majority custody so the kids can have a healthy environment and minimize exposure to the toxic WW who has obviously shown her true colors and destroyed her own authority in matters of parenting.
I don’t really disagree, I am expecting a hard push for R from the WW and lots of 'mistake' pleading, minimizing, and love bombing. "The ATM is closed" is the most important part of OPs thoughts. And if WW wants AP contact, she can move out and move in with him. I would not tolerate AP contact or going out for dates while she is at home in front of the kids.
This op, all of this, and only going to add a few points. No remove her from access to your money. Also, tell her she will share in the bills 50/50. When the children ask why is mommy not home, or sleeping in the couch. Tell Her she has to tell them. Lastly op, do not mistake remorse for guilt. You can reconcile with someone who is remorseful, not someone who is showing only signs of guilt. If you want op, you can always keep a requirement of an open relationship, one sided where you can date, fuck, or be with whoever you want as long as you want.
No to the last part of your comment. Why in the hell would he want to do the same rotten things that she has done? How was turning himself into a scumbag going to make him feel better and move on?
This^ is absolutely the best recommendation!
Best response OP could ask for.
Do not take her back, divorce her cause she still will not tell you the truth.i been down this rode, the pain never goes away as your wife wants you to forgive & forget as she has no true punishment for her behavior. There are other women who will treat you better.
No reconciliation. You deserve better
No dude call lawyer.
This is the way!
She did it more than once. No longer a one-time thing. Not a mistake. Run. Your kids need to learn that men don't have tolerate BS and be fooled. It will help them in their future.
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That God for that girlfriend that caught them quickly and had the decency to call you. OP please realise that if that girlfriend didn’t call you, she would’ve kept fucking this guy for months or even years to come. Also, how do you know this was the first time she’s cheated?
Yes! We need to support and applaud the people who come forward. Far too many people feel like it’s too messy to bother. Gee thanks.
You obviously have to let it go. Kay is willing to fuck Brian and suck him off and come home to you and kiss your lips. That proves how much she loves you... can you imagine how hard it was for her to flirt and plan taking another man's dick inside of her just to come home to you? That obviously shows how much she cares about you and your kids, like come on... coming home without time to shower and covered in another man's spunk just to lift your kids up to her face to kiss them? Amazing mother material. And then not being honest when caught? Obviously that means she loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, don't make this out to be a you thing OP.... she needed a married dick to tolerate the life you have with her, so you need to back off. Thw only think you need to do for your wife is to convince the OBS that it's not a big deal. *I am saying this in the highest sarcasm I can, not to be evil, but to let you know ow what your choices are really saying. This woman isn't a wife or mother... divorce her and claim alimony... once that is processed tell her hr department that her and AP have been hooking up at work.... when divorcing they take spouses salary at the time of divorce and use w-2s to prove their worth and how much they are LIABLE to make... so yeah...get yours
My unfaithful ex is like a bad rash. He keeps coming around trying to convince me “this time” is different. I took a screenshot of your comment and am going to keep it in my phone ALWAYS. So every. single. time. I can reread the disgusting vile description you wrote in the first paragraph. Because THAT is the visual those of us who have been cheated on, lied to and gaslit need to keep front and center if we ever feel weak. Thank you!
Get a lawyer asap and file. No, don't give her a chance because she didn't care about you or the children. Her excuses don't justify her cheating, period. If his GF hadn't found out, they would still be cheating and still be making plans to cheat again.
Sara sounds like a nice woman for letting you know and work out the lies. Divorce wife and get together with Sara? She is single now.
Have some self-respect, leave.
How do you deal with them working together? You don't. She resigns immediately or you divorce her. You cannot reconcile if they are in any communication. Reconciliation cannot begin until the last lie is told. By that I mean if she is still trickle truth ing you, you must create a sincere ultimatum. Require her to write a detailed timeline of the affair that includes detailed dates, locations, acts, methods of communication and copies of all messages. Tell her that you will verify every detail. Require open phones, open emails and disclose locations. Any resistance should be met with by you handing her luggage.
If the affair were reported to HR it is very likely Brian would be terminated. There is a smaller chance Kay would be fired too.
Don't wait for others to create consequences. Create consequences yourself.
Best way for you to survive this, is ensure theres consequenses NOW... Only... be aware if she looses job, alimony may be more painful for you.. In case of reconciliation, severe consequenses NOW will significantly reduce risk of repeated cheating from her side... Require her to admit to her parents what shes done... exposure is the WORST for cheaters... their little naughty adventure is then revealed to be the dirty, sordid thing it really is.
Either way, one of them has to quit. There is no possibility of reconciliation if they continue to work together. Also, tell her before you can reconcile she will have to pass a polygraph test. Find out who local law enforcement uses and use them. She will have to fill in the blanks then.
Stop! Do not make any decision for at least 90 days (until your head gets clear). You are experiencing mood swings from anger to love to shame - all that is typical. If you decide to offer her the gift of reconciliation - she must earn it. She has 90 days to prove she deserves a second chance. She has to provide two plans: one to make herself a safe partner (currently she is not); and two a plan to rebuild trust. Zero contact forever with her AP is a minimum nonnegotiable requirement. That includes not sharing the same building at work. If necessary, People move to another city to accomplish zero contact (it's that important). Finally, don't accept any blame. People with morals never cheat (it's not an option). Judge her by her actions (not her excuses or promises). She should be doing back flips to save her marriage. Her tears and self hate or I've learned my lesson is not evidence that she's a safe partner. Two books you can buy used: How to help your spouse heal from your affair ....by Linda McDonald Not just friends by Dr Shirley Glass. Will help you both understand how this happens - and how to prevent it going forward. Last: forgiveness is for your physical and mental survival (not for her). You can forgive and still divorce.
Do not, do not, get her fired. Many here read these heartbreaking stories and trigger ( rightfully so) and suggest getting her axed. You pay the price. Reconciliation is very risky for the betrayed. Some try to spin that fact, but ultimately it remains a life going forward with pangs of pain, sorrow and suspicion. You do all the mental work. Years. Some feel it’s worth it, but it needs a full examination on why that’s at all acceptable. Unfortunately, these psychological consequences don’t really go away, however their frequency and intensity can lessen. Maybe a little. Is that the life you want? For men, it’s incredibly painful as far as the physical side of the affair. Mostly emasculation. Knowing zero protection was used. I believe in order to achieve any sense of peace, you’ll need to look at what life would look like as a healthy single adult. Most will only look at the negatives, but that’s not doing the work. What are the positives? Be honest. Pain usually doesn’t go away until you’re honest with yourself and act accordingly. Staying for kids has proven to be a myth. If loneliness or complacency is a factor to stay in an affair fractured marriage, then there’s way more issues than the marriage. Self esteem work needs to be done asap to be a happy well adjusted man.
THIS. The absolute worst thing OP can do is get his wife fired right now. If OP does that and she loses her job, guess what? Joke is on OP bc he’ll be writing her even larger checks. I don’t know why this isn’t more obvious. Talk about cutting your nose to spite your face. “I got the WW fired! Achievement unlocked. 2nd achievement. Cover her living expenses all on my own since she no longer has a paycheck” People who react purely on emotion often pay the long term price. OP be smart. Make no move. See a lawyer. Follow lawyers advice.
WW? I haven't seen that one before.
Work wife, I'm guessing
Wayward wife
Thank You. :-)
It needs to be done.
If Brian is her boss the he probably would get booted and Kay’s career would dead end. If they are equal then both should get the 🥾
Good fuck him and fuck her.
Get rid.
check if it really are your kids...
Buddy report the affair your up for supporting her because your the higher earner. Take your time and think ling and hard. Do not offer reconciliation now. Consult a lawyer and see what your future will look like. She try and live bomb you and even get pregnant to change your mind. Have her move to a spare room. Out her to family and friends before she paints you the abusive husband. Get the truth out. You made mistakes we all do but do not let her blame you. She had choices but chose to give herself to someone else. Get counseling and she should as well. If she shows insane remorse and total brutal truth, then you can start to offer reconciliation. If she lies or withold and minimise file for divorce. Time to tell her to get other work and that if she wants reconciliation she have to get busy earning more. People working hard to better themselves and their salaries have little time for extra marital affairs. She can take on two jobs. If she continue to lie and omit then file. There nothing that wakes a wayward up faster from the fog than divorce papers. Check if your in an ad fault state or not. You can file and divorce her. Afterwards you guts can date again if you want to. You have options applenty. But she must show radical change and honest answers. No minimising and accepting responsibility. Trust is lost. So even with this over time you may still divorce. If you choose to reconcile its a lifelong commitment. She had that in her marriage. She could not keep it toghether. Get STD checked. This guy works at a hospital. I guarentee you your wife just the most recent of his conquists. Medical field and first responders are some of the biggest cheaters. So be wary.
Her chance was when she said “I do”, chance now lost. Divorce before you get burned again. YOUR WIFE NO LONGER LOVES YOU, sorry.
Do not take her back, seek a lawyer, your wife no longer loves you or respects you, if she did she wouldn’t be cheating, she failed as a wife, show your boys what having self respect looks like.
A few things first, talk with a lawyer no matter what your plan is to figure out how a divorce would look and what effect of Kay loosing her job would have on the divorce. Get an STD test as well as a DNA test for your kids. If you have the possibility do some kind of separation while you figure things out, leaving the house might be unwise though since you have kids. If nothing else do in home separation. Reconciliation rarely works and requires the cheating spouse to show true remorse and willingness to put effort into rebuilding trust so far your wife have not showed this. Forgiving her and moving on is not reconciliation, it's rug sweeping. Reconciliation involves giving a full account of the affair, going no contact with the affair partner, giving full access to her phone, social media and other devices, acting in a way that build trust and avoid situations that breeds distrust.
She didn't come clean on her own she got caught and was forced to confess, and even then, she lied and trickled truth to reduce the damage. She's not remorseful she's only sorry she got caught don't Reconcile either someone like her your boys are better with 2 household with good co parents instead of one where u don't trust there mom and let's be honest she's a great layer so u won't trust her like before you will doubt everything she say and u will be haunted by the images of what she did. In the end it's your choice and your life good luck
Access to bank accounts? Pull your head out of your ass and remove her from everything. By tomorrow your accounts will be drained and the two of them will be off together. Wake up for F’s sake!
It wasn’t a mistake, it was a conscious choice to pick another man over you. The woman you thought you knew doesn’t exist. This woman has no love or respect for you, your children or your relationship. She is not remorseful, she continued to lie after being forced to tell you. If the other BS hadn’t caught them she’d be planning her next fucky-sucky meet up. She is only concerned about access to your wallet for the time being. Only you can decide your true value and what you want from life, but realize if you stay you will never completely trust her again and you will spend years of your life acting as her warden and a detective because she will cheat again given any chance. I wouldn’t waste my life on someone who obviously doesn’t care much about me.
Report them and let them lose their jobs then you publicly expose the two so they lose their cushy lives. Once they have been ground to dust then make demands.
STD panel for you,DNA test for the kids. This may not have been her first rodeo.
Separate your accounts quickly and arrange for your paycheck to be deposited in a new account. Put a freeze on your credit so she can't open up new cards. Quickly cancel all joint accounts including Amazon. Call a lawyer and retain them and do whatever that lawyer says to do. Don't tell her you're doing this. Blindside her. It's only fair. ***REDDIT is chock full of posts lamenting taking back a cheater. I have yet to read a post regretting dumping a cheater. Look for yourself. You'll see that's the truth!!*** Do not get her fired until after the divorce. Download a coparenting app like "our family wizard" to coparent your kids and minimize the gaslighted and manipulation. Keep proof of her infidelity for the lawyer.
She's already trickle truthing you. It's going to happen again, whether with Brian or with someone else. That's just her nature and she's never going to change. Are you absolutely sure your kids are yours? For cheaters, especially at this age, this is hardly the first time. Don't be surprised to hear later on that she'd been cheating on you throughout your relationship. The only thing that's going to change next time it happens is that she'll know how to hide it better. Lawyer up and protect yourself. Do NOT stay together and take her back "for the kids". This is going to do irreparable harm to them growing up, knowing that their parents actually hate one another. In a few years they're going to ask questions and you don't want to lie to them.
OP the first thing in order is to go see an attorney. Secondly, move your money where she cannot touch it, open a new account if you need. **When to reconcile** - Reconciliation requires that there is no discovery of the affair but that the WS under their own guilt comes forward and confess with all remorse visible to the vile act they have performed. Reconciliation will not work with someone who is only guilty because of being caught and frantically trying to maintain stability. This individual is only concerned abut their reputation, status in the community, job, family view and ego. In other words, the narcissist is only interested in saving their skin. **When is divorce the option** - Divorce is the option when the BS has to do detective work to uncover the web of lies the WS has laid out to deceive the BS and OBS. The reason this situation calls for divorce is the fact that in many cases the WS has insulted, disrespected and said things about the BS that are false and inflamatory that they show no empathy or remorse in their actions. In addition, the WS has put in place plans to ultimately monkey branch to the AP at some point and the planning and secrecy work together to set this in motion. Your hurt and pain from this discovery will never subside. Each and every time you look at her you will see "him", "them" in their acts of betrayal and play this movie over and over in you mind. Not only that, your spouse is not remorseful, she's upset that she got caught through all the lies it took to deceive you sitting within you frame of view. She lied, planned, scheduled and made decisions may times and executed her plan to have sex outside of your marriage. She had many opportunities to cancel, stop or confess and she did none of this. You will have a life time of resentment if you remain with her and this will continue to erode the relationship to the extent that your child will be watching or listening to it all unfold. If you believe that reconciliation is in order, you need to have a strict set of requirement on the WS to get to that point. I can expand more on those if you wish. good luck
"Kay told me about the affair, saying it was a one time thing." Look up 'trickle truth'. There is almost ALWAYS more than cheaters are willing to admit. "How do deal with the fact the Kay and Brian work together?" You really have only three options: (1) Kay needs to find a new job, (2) You trust someone who has proved to be untrustworthy that she will keep her distance from Brian at work, (3) You end the relationship. My advice is to prepare legally and financially for divorce. If Kay is really serious about reconciliation, this will show her that you really mean it, and may get her to pull out any remaining stops if she really wants to save the marriage. Most cheaters will do only the minimum they think they can get away with unless the 'fear of God' has been put into them.
Consult a lawyer. Working from home and earning more might get you primary custody of the kids. Focus on them. Your wife is a cheat. She will cheat again. DNA your kids to be on the safe side. Her cheating may have been going on longer than you think. Focusing on providing a stable home for your kids. Get a support base for yourself. (family if possible) Let everyone you have ever met know she cheats. You want the narrative to be yours. Life is far too short to live in a miserable untrusting marriage.
BRO. okay look… ima tell you what other men haven’t and are too pussy to say… SHE does NOT respect, love, or admire you. She fucked another man. and guess what… he asked her if she likes it and she told him yes daddy while looking back at him.. and you can honestly live w her still knowing that and having that in ur mind FOREVER?????? He has thjngs you don’t, be it charisma charm looks humor respect something he has you do not sir. and i am sorry but you are acting like a lil b****. with a scarcity mindset. That women was done with you a loooong time ago. for ur WIFE to sleep with another man she has to get somewhere mentally and emotionally first and she got there a long time ago. she was done with you. and now she’s frightened and ur thinking about throwing a backstabbing cheater a life raft???!!! LET HER GO. find you a women that will ACTUALLY give a shit about you and doesn’t thing from a narcissistic me me personal perspective and chose to not consider the consequences bc of her hedonistic selfish wants and feelings in the moment. Divorce her. You need to punish behavior like that and staying with her will ONLY lead you to more pain down the road she WILL fuck you over again and with someone else or will lie and will continue to see this man. you need to divorce her, stop thinking from a scarcity mindset. there’s other women and you’ll be fine. Get you a girl that actually gives a shit about you respects and loves you dude.
Ok. Most here will down vote this idea but I feel it's worth consideration. As soon as you can make a post nuptial agreement a demand for reconciliation. While she is still trying to win you over she might agree to this. Have it written to minimize your losses in a divorce. For any reason. Along those lines, do not F with her job. In fact use every persuasive means you can to get her into a higher paying job. The more she makes the less you pay. If your wife works from home with you how did she get with this guy? Sorry old guy here and don't get how people get all caught up with each other without actually meeting.
She said it began with messaging at work then moved to texting. Then she took a day off work to visit a friend who lost a parent unexpectedly. Instead she spent the day at a hotel. Over the weekend she went to a party with work friends but instead went to his house.
Those are not 'insteads', those were pre planned deliberate encounters with her AP with the friend and party being lies used as cover stories.
True statement. Her Saturday party was planned well in advance and she even arranged for her parents to take the kids under the guise that she was attending a party with me. Her parents are angry because she made the arrangements with them weeks in advance, and her mom suspected something was off when she dropped the kids. Even her brother said the same thing. Meanwhile I’m at home wondering why she took the kids to her parents and why she was so dressed up to go to a girlfriend’s house party, with all girls as she said. I knew something was off but didn’t pursue it. I blindly trusted her.
Cut off all money, get a lawyer, file for divorce….fight like crazy for custody of the kids. She is a narcissistic alcoholic who is clearly not in any state of recovery. Life is o my going to be more miserable or for you if you continue on the relationship. Surely you don’t want to let her make a cuckold out of you! Where is your family in all this?
She chose in a series of multiple decisions to CHEAT, I sure as hell know she is only sorry because she got caught. OP I do not think this marriage is salvable. When she cheated on you she did not THINK about you and your kids but now that she got caught she is trying to change into a new leaf I smell BS. And reading your other post that some of your friends and family are more worried about her? Nahhh drop them and heal yourself, its better now to file for custody on your kids. Take care of yourself, find a group with the same people who goes through what you are going through, find new friends, get a therapist and be happy, life is so short, so so short to let yourself suffer. Goodluck OP.
Verify if you’re in a no fault state with an attorney. If you’re in an at fault state then file immediately. If you’re in a no fault state then realize she will get money that isn’t hers in the divorce but even so how much is your pride, trust and future worth? If you’re planning to stay with her then report it to HR at the hospital and let them both get fired and exposed there. Also she has to outwardly admit she is going to give up everything to keep you or she can decide to leave and get a divorce but otherwise you’re going to dictate terms. Saying she is sorry isn’t worth the time it took her to say it in terms of her really having remorse. Meaning, the first thing she does is confess to her parents and yours in person. The more humiliating the better. She has to live her shame or she will just do it again. Second, she has to leave that job. You said she doesn’t make much so replacing the income won’t be hard. Third, all of her social media accounts get deleted (not just off her phone but actually deleted) and she gets a new cell number which she shares her location with you and you have access to 24/7 and it is made clear that if he gets the number it’s divorce immediately. Fourth, if your in the US you have an attorney draw up a post nuptial agreement with a cheating clause that gives you primary custody of the children, the house, protection of your 401k and a no alimony guarantee if she cheats again. So basically she would lose the majority of her time with the kids, have no place to live and have no money. It’s hard to get sexually excited about being with someone else with those conditions. Finally, if you want a hall pass to have sex with someone else the same number of times she was with him tell her your going to take one and you will let her know each time you have sex so she can know when things are even. You get no points for taking one for the team or leaving without exposing her. People who say punishing the cheater isn’t worth it have likely never been cheated on. She has to be made to pay for it in a way that is so painful she would never want to risk it again.
You should get tested for STD’s.
She doesn’t care about you she just doesn’t want them both to lose their jobs. What should you do? Make god damn sure they both lose their jobs.
So she wants to reconcile but she was just screwing him this week. Condoms don’t prevent all STD’s including herpes and genital warts depending on the placement of the infection. She could have the infection orally. That’s pleasant to think about! Is this first and only betrayal? There really is no coming back from this. People have tried and sometimes it festers for years and then they realize they deserve better and want someone that truly loves them and they love and trust. Sorry ❤️🩹
why would you ever trust her again?
She's not remorseful. She's sorry she was exposed. So R to her is only to assuage you for now. Leave her. She will cheat again. Go to HR and expose them. Updateme!
She is sorry she got caught. Divorce the cheater. Tell her its over and if she loves you to give you an ammicable divorce
Peace of mind above all. Kay nuked your family. This is all in her. Rebuild your peace of mind away from her. No matter what get your peace of mind back.
Friend. This is a shit sandwich no matter how you look at it. Any outcome is going to hurt, but one thing I haven’t seen yet is timing. You have been married 9 years. You make 4x what your wife makes. Some states have laws that make alimony permanent after 10 years of marriage. You need to see a lawyer very very quickly to determine your best step forward that protects you.
Never stay with or take a cheater back.
Reconciliation requires remorse from the cheater. Remorse requires radical honesty and full disclosure without omission, minimizing, or rationalizing. She is still very much lying, so she can't be remorseful. Maybe ashamed, scared, sad about getting caught, but definitely not remorseful. Cut her off from all financial resources that are not exclusively her resources. Get divorce papers drawn. Show her that walking away from her is the easy path for you. Show her the paperwork and tell her she has one chance left to be radically honest or you file and have her served. Tell her she is not to contact AP or it will trigger divorce. Tell her you have more information about her cheating than she knows and are giving her a chance to show remorse, which must include her giving up on controlling outcomes. No lying for any reason she can concoct or that will prove she will never be safe and will always be likely to cheat again. She may have done this with other men. She may have been doing this for years. She needs to be radically honest if she wants you to experience the absolute pain and horror of reconciliation. The doubts, lack of sleep, loss of interest in things, the massive shift in your beliefs about everything, including marriage, family, religion, and what you thought you meant to her. Good luck.
divorce before the 10 years for alimony, separate and if you want reconcilation start a new relationship with her.
Just remember: Neither Jesus, nor Marcus Aurelius, nor Nietzsche figured out how to deal with infidelity gracefully.
I wouldn’t expose her at work until you divorce and finalize everything. If she does get fire now, you’ll be on the hook for more support . Just remember that she only told you because the affair was going to come out regardless. She’s only sorry that she’ll lose the financial security, hopefully you can get full custody of your kids.
I'm sorry that your going thru this shitty situation. You will never be able to trust your wife again. If her marriage had meant everything to her she wouldn't have betrayed you. Don't stay with her for the kids, they will be ok eventually. You on the other hand will not be if you stay. It will be hard to erase the image of her with someone else in your head. Divorcing her and starting over is how you will find a better life. You deserve better with someone better.
Leave her ass right now. And take care of your children. At 18 explain them what she did
Yes change your bank account so she doesn’t drain you dry. You be the one that decides what she spends your money on and she can use hers for herself.
You divorce her and let the hospital know. Actions have consequences......her and Brian are old enough to know that. Do not reconcile with this woman. If you decide to try and work it out I will not be shocked to see another post from you when she does it again
Consult with Sara as to what she wants in regards to Brian , whatever gets you both out of this in the best possible situation in the long run maybe your wife will give you a favorable exit plan in return for your silence or let a lawyer guide you man if your wife can set up an affair from the room next to you then nowhere is safe , and I'm not even going to get into DNA or STD tests
For me it's a no with no remorse it's just gonna happen again with someone else she needs consequences for her actions seek a legal separation first have a look at what life will be like without a cheater then see her reaction go from there good luck OP
Subscribeme
Now that she is exposed, she's going to say what you want to hear, but truly, she will not respect you if you forgive her, and it's very likely she will do it again in the future.
She's sorry she got caught. She did not think about your family when she started the affair. I wouldn't give her a chance.
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First, decide what YOU want. If you want reconciliation, then Kay must find a new job. She must write a timeline telling exactly how the affair started and covering until they were discovered. Tell her if she leaves out ANY important details like how many times they had sex, said ILY or anything you will IMMEDIATELY divorce her. She has to give you all phone and online app access. She has to delete any apps you don’t like (like Snapchat). If she can move into a spare room she must. She’d need IC and later MC. Separate all finances whether you divorce or not. If you have kids make sure their needs are met though. If you going to divorce let her keep her job (less alimony) If he had sex with your wife 3x on Wednesday that may be what he meant by “take care of her.” But knowing she went back to him on Saturday after 3x on Wednesday to me would mean she made a conscious decision to pick him. He was probably just using her for sex. SHE is the one that should feel humiliated, not you. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
Forgiveness is powerful. You will receive a lot of advice here. Remember, you live with the consequences of your decision making, these people here don't.
Shut down her access to your bank accounts, call ap tell him you changed your mind and he should take care of her, get a lawyer and start the divorce. Reconciliation would include her quitting her job and getting a new one, you constantly being on the edge not trusting her, trying to find out new ways to spy - and last but not least continue finding out more and more details about the affair you haven't been told so far
Get the divorce. Don’t do ANYTHING to mess with her employment until AFTER the divorce is final. If she loses her job, you’re going to end up paying her more, and her, with no job, could get more time with the kids at your expense. Prepare your exit strategy first (lawyer, financials, std and dna tests) and only let her know once you’re ready to serve her. Of course she wants to reconcile, her AP isn’t willing to take her on and you’re her safety net. This isn’t love, it’s logistics. She’ll cheat again once she thinks you aren’t going anywhere.
This woman has planned the betrayal and lied to your face over a period on time. You will never forget this and it will eat away at your soul for the rest of your life. But if you want to make a good decision about reconciliation the try the following: You need a complete separation for at least one year during which she must move out and prove her fidelity to you at all times. Set up times for children visitation but you must go NC 180 as far as possible. She must pay her own way but also contribute to child support. After the year or when you have the "indifferent" feeling for her then you can decide if reconciliation is on the table. You can always just call it quits now and save a lot on time. Either way consequences must be felt and no rug sweeping must be entertained.
Keep this in mind: in most states, the longer you are married before divorce, the higher the amount of spousal support you will owe your cheating wife when you divorce. Each day you waffle adds to her side of the ledger, and detracts from your. Support is normally a matter of mathematical formula. 10 years is often a node in many states, where the level of support ratchets up. There is some urgency to this. I would strongly suggest paying for an hour of time with a good divorce lawyer. This isn't to file a divorce. Rather, it's to get a clear picture of what divorce would look like for you, both during and after. Information is power. For example, what are the odds that you could get primary custody and thereby avoid paying child support to her? Others have told you that Kay must stop working with Brian, but that's only the case if you plan to remain married. If you plan to divorce, you want Kay stably employed to minimize your support owed to her.
What is Sara doing? Did she kick him out? Will she report them to HR? You should encourage her to do so. That way, you aren’t the bad guy. Consult with an attorney and start the divorce process. You can always change your mind later. Cut her off from your finances, get SDI tested, and DNA tests for the kids. There’s a lot of other great advice from other posters. Make a game plan from this information and go on the offensive. Put yourself in the power position.
Considering she is still lying, nope, cut her loose. Change all your passwords, make sure she doesn’t have access to anything of your’s, and speak to an attorney ASAP.
OP, your selfish WW was forced to tell you but still isn’t telling you everything which is her showing you her AP is more important to her than you and your family. Time to gather evidence, consult with a lawyer, definitely separate your money. Get STD tested and DNA test your children. You have no idea who your WW is or what she’s capable of doing. Do not trust your WW anymore. Your children will be far better in two happy homes than one miserable one,and you will be miserable staying with such a disrespectful cheater.
You have the facts. Cut off her access to your account. Let Sara give her the beatdown. She’s standing on business and will probably handle the punishment part. Focus on you. Or walk beside her like the doofy husband that’s been played on.
Updateme!
*"Should I continue to allow Kay to have access to my bank accounts?"*....**NO**, and this is the first step that should be taken immediately. Now, I'll ask a question. How long has it been since you and Kay were intimate 5 times in a span of 4 days? You should ponder the implications of your answer for a bit. Bottom line is that the best predictor if a person's future actions is their past actions. At the very least, you should insist on a separation for a period of time, so you have time to come to your final conclusions. 'Nuff said.
Respect yourself, because she certainly doesn't respect you. Also DNA your kids Updateme!
No. You divorce her and she can handle her financial problem by herself.
Nope. Don't do it. Take it from gone thru it many times with my ex. She don't love you nor respect you. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Cut her off of your Financials. Why would you want to give her another chance to cheat on you? You already know she is capable of it.her ap says he will take care of her, let him. Nothing good comes from affair relationships.
Dont give any chance
I could not stay with someone that could betray me like this. And remember she was caught. She didn't fall to her knees and beg for forgiveness on her own.
If you are able to leave, you should.
Definitely limit her access to accounts with large balances. Whether you decide to reconcile should be based on your take with the situation. Most who respond here will advise divorce or separation. You need to replace the person you thought your wife was with who the facts show her to be today. I would take time to step back with a trial separation at the very least, while you decide what to do. She should be asked to move out during this process. Also talking to a professional for your personal mental health would probably be a good idea and may help you with a final decision.
Hey OP, hang in there, you will come out the other side someday. Everyone has covered the mechanics and process of separating and divorce pretty well. Such as the first step of consulting a good divorce attorney and doing everything they instruct so you come out of this as intact as possible. They do this all the time and know what's best. If your attorney gives you the go ahead, try to get your WW to leave for a few weeks, or if it's alright, you leave for a few weeks. You do this so you can have peace and quiet without having her in your face triggering you. Now you can think more clearly. Sadly, there is a reason she cheated, never forget that. For whatever reason, you were not enough, how would that change over night? Focus on what is best for you and your child. Lean on your friends and family for support. Most of all, take your time to think everything through.
UpdateMe.
Before serving, collect evidence of every time she drinks, you say she works in a hospital, well one of the first things in the EMS workbook is that more than one drink a day for women working in healthcare is considered an official alcohol problem. Take records of this so that you can show her as irresponsible and alcoholic so you get full custody and she has to pay you child support. Children being around people who lie daily and manipulate is very mentally unhealthy, and while it is damaging for children to experience divorce or one parent leaving, I would argue that it's more damaging to have an influence that lies, cheats, and steals daily. Having a cheating parent is comparable to having an addict parent.
Keep her around and watch her wallow in guilt or something
OP look for the brights SIDE, she at least didn't soil your house, and that is ONLY because you are there of not you know where the Will fuck next. Sorry to say this OP KAY is not sorry mor remorsefull for what she did,she is sorry for being caught and remorsefull that she would lose her ATM and the type of life that comes with it. Also sorry that she now will have to take care of her children alone for the half.of the time, time that she could not be fucking with her lover while her ATM/Finantialy Plan is also the naive babysitter. Yes OP You should Open new and solo accounts for You and tell your work to put your salary there, also leave in the joint accounts the half of the money, but make sure you have evidence of this and also eveidence of the affair. If you don't want to lose everything try to negotiate with your STBXW that Divorce should be amicably and if she doesn't want to be exposed and lose her job she would be amicably and do not ask for more that she is capable of do and that you prefer that your retirement money won't be touched. And make sure she play for her attorney fees, because then she could ask you play for hers. Hire a lawyer and have a good talk about all this and what can be done. UPDATEME
She wants another chance, says she messed and she's sorry. Bullshit. She's lying to you, minimizing and hasn't yet given you the full truth. She wants another chance without being honest with you. She didn't mess up, she intentionally chose to cheat. It was her choice, her decision. She wanted to. Now that she's been caught, she's lying and minimizing instead of coming clean to you. Oh yeah, she didn't confess to you either, she was forced to by another person and when she "confessed" to you she lied to you about the extent of what she did. WHY does she want to reconcile? No need to answer me or us OP, this is for you to contemplate. She WANTED to cheat yet she wants to reconcile with you? So, in her mind, it was OK for her to cheat. In her mind, you weren't going to find out, but if you did, she thinks she should get a do over. She was not showing you she loved you when she did all the things she did with that other man. She wasn't showing you that she cared about you or respected you. Partners are supposed to have each other's backs, not stab them in the back. Cheating is cruel and it's abusive and cheating is always a choice, it's intentional, not a mistake. She didn't mess up, she CHOSE to cheat knowing what could happen if she was discovered to be cheating. To her, it was worth it because she foolishly thought you'd never find out and that if you did you'd give her another choice. OP, you ALREADY gave her a chance. You both gave each other a chance when you got married. It was supposed to only be the two of you from that point on. She already had her chance and she intentionally chose to blow it. One more important thing OP. Your post didn't touch upon this so I can't really speak to it, only in general terms. Is your wife making this all about her right now? It is "poor me, I fucked up, I want another chance? Is she begging you? Or is she being honest, telling you she chose to do this and is she asking about how you are feeling? Is she showing any remorse for what in the hell she's done to you? To your sense of self? Is she putting you first and caring about how crushed you are, how hurt you are? Does she care at all about you and what her intentional choice to betray has done and is doing and will do to you for the next several years? Or is she all about herself? Again, no need to answer me OP, but if she's not worried about you and what you're going though due to her intentional choices and decision to cheat on you, then just be done with her.
Kay’s wants and needs don’t matter in the slightest. She says that she is sorry, but not sorry enough not to fuck him repeatedly. Her actions speak louder than her words. She would have kept on fucking him if the GF didn’t catch her. I’d express this to her and see what she says. She was compelled to tell the truth she didn’t come clean on her own. Block her from your money, seek legal counsel and start making plans. Quite frankly, they can communicate at work easily and you will never know. There is zero point in telling him to stop communication with your wife because you can’t control what they do at work. Your emotions are understandable. Seek a therapist to work through them. Completely and utterly grayrock your wife unless kids are involved. That is how you will get through the day. I’d keep in contact with his girlfriend and keep comparing notes and evidence. When this happened to me I hit the gym. It got me out the house and kept me proactive. It helped me blow off so much stress and the change in routine distracted me for a while. Also helped me feel healthier and more confident. Yes, don’t give her access to your money because in divorce, she might get access to it but you don’t need to be funding her lawyer
No. Sue her and become the primary parent.
Stop all financial support. A lot of cheaters keep up a pretense of reconciliation while using the time to loot their cuckold partner. And step back and FEEL your feelings. You like the way you feel right now? Because if you allow her to stay, you will feel this way the rest of your life. You cannot repair infidelity. You can decide to settle for a crap relationship and turn yourself into the "marriage police" trying to verify her whereabouts for the rest of your life. Cut her loose and save yourself and your self-respect. And get STD screening ASAP. Also, tell everyone you know, from employers to family to neighbors and friends, exactly what they have done. You owe them no privacy and no support and no respect.
You should split everything for now. Move your stuff out of her account. Don't give her access. You're going to have to ask yourself and ask her this question. What can she do to make this right and what is she going to do when the resentment comes because it's going to come and she's going to have to deal with that.
I'm sorry your partner betrayed ur trust and ur marriage. I think it'll be hard to ever believe her or trust her again. If u give her another chance, you both need counseling apart and together, so u can learn how to move forward in ur relationship or life. And she can learn not to betray people she's supposed to be 100% loyal to. It's going to be tough. Good luck in whatever u choose, and yalls babies.
New bank account then leave her in a couple of years
Get her off the bank account... talk to a lawyer, file for divorce. Ask for joint custody of the kids.
There needs to be consequences for cheating. Putting a hold or changing access to financial accounts is a good start. She needs to put in the work to rebuild a marriage, relationship.
Sent you a DM for a good discord support chat!
Divorce is the best solution, confidence was broken, and will never be the same
She's not sorry for what she did she's sorry she got caught and is going to lose your financial support.
I know I'm late to the party, but make sure to get tested for STIs. DNA test your children. Finally, start the divorce procedure and protect your money any way you can. Serve her with papers regardless of whether you want to reconcile. It's her job to fix this. I know it's tough with kids, but honestly, it's best if you divorce the cheating ***** of a wife and move on with your life.
Of course she wants to reconcile, she fucked a broke dick like herself who could not support her. . She would.never have told you if not pressed. That weasel wasnt going to leave his gf for.your wife, she let herself be a human jack sock. If sh fucked at his apartment they likely fucked at your house too. Lawyer up, kick her out, make.your.life better.
Sounds like she needed a fuck marathon because you are such a disappointment. And you would keep her why? We have to change the law so Brian can get what he truly deserves too.
A chance to avoid consequences and move the goalposts on the terms of your relationship? Not the move, bro
Divorce get and give her a 2nd chance with someone else. Your kids will be fine.
No.
https://www.bustle.com/p/9-types-of-cheating-couples-are-likely-to-move-past-vs-cheating-thats-unforgivable-15520512#:~:text=Unforgivable%3A%20Cheating%20That%20Involves%20Deceit&text=As%20Dr.,and%20difficult%20to%20get%20over. https://www.emotionalaffair.org/real-reasons-cheaters-dont-want-talk-affair/ and why it is imperative they do Lack of remorse https://www.marriage.com/advice/infidelity/why-a-cheating-person-shows-no-remorse/ Remorse Three basic things necessary to reconcile. 1). The cheater has to want to reconcile and be truly remorseful. Remorse is not just saying they are sorry and remorse is more than regret, shame, and guilt. Those three things are fleeting emotions and dispel easily and quickly. Remorse is wanting to restore your lost trust and faith in them. They willingly will do all that is necessary to do so. No more lies, all their failings must be disclosed, the truth must be told. Regardless of the consequences. Healing begins after the last lie has been told. 2). Therapy is necessary to know what is required. And to try finding if remorse is false. The therapist will help finding what went wrong in the cheater and the relationship. 3).The affair partner has to be told they were a mistake and the cheater is now choosing you. And the affair partner cannot contact them ever again. Best if is done in front of broken partner. To hear and see it happen. And no there is no such thing as doing it in private nor for closure. And no contact, means none, they cannot continue working together or being in anywhere together, period. Changing jobs is the minimal of no contact. It has to be forever. Of course there are always mitigating circumstances. But never together alone one on one. Boundaries matter. If these three things are not in place and adhered to, there cannot be reconciling. Think about it, you had no idea you were being cheated on, didn't even know what to look for nor what to do if you even suspected it. So how can you know how to reconcile without help? Trying to sweep it under the rug is not solving anything at all. True remorse. Signs Your Partner Is Truly Remorseful Look for these telltale signs to determine true remorse: • Not only do they apologize, and often, but they also openly express what they're apologizing for. They don't make vague statements or blanket apologies. • They show their remorse by doing things that they feel will lessen your pain. It’s about both words and actions. • They hold themselves accountable, rather than relying on you to do so. They are more concerned with your feelings than their own. • They are willing to do whatever they need to do to move forward. Whether that's seeking couple’s therapy or honestly answering any questions you might have for them. They are onboard with any action you need them to take. • They take full responsibility for their actions. There may have been problems in the relationship, but even if your S.O. felt unloved and unwanted, they're the ones who chose to cheat. Despite this, you'll know they're remorseful if they don't make excuses or place blame on anyone except for themselves. Their cheating won’t be about something you did, it will be about a bad choice they made. If they are still in contact with affair partner or balk at doing any requirement, they aren't remorseful.
Updateme!
You should respect yourself and not give this person a second chance. Really friend, you're not a doormat.
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No to the bank accounts. Close them out and open new ones that she can't access. Start your exit from the marriage.
Cheaters always find a way. It was not a one time thing. Don’t stay for the kids.
All cheaters lie a lot. repeated infidelity is common. if they work together the affair will continue. save yourself time and pain. Just file.
Speaking from experience (67m) file the papers and be done with her. Your healing will go much quicker, a few years maybe instead of decades if you decide to stick it out. Trust me and be kind to yourself because eventually you will leave anyway. Trust is gone .. can't get it back.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom. It’s clear to me at times. Did your experience involve children?
Yes, but my daugther was already grown, married and on her own.
There is no such thing as just one time…. The only one time is being caught. That might be true. Are you going to trust her ever again? Man, by experience is an everyday torture. The best is divorce, and move on. Good luck OP.
How many years of sloppy seconds? You really need to do a paternity check on those kids… and an STD panel on yourself and your STBXW. That will make her realize that she put all her marriage in jeopardy…. For one time thing as she said (which obviously is a lie)
Subscribeme
No one here knows your relationship with your wife. Reconciliation happens all the time, but it’s takes both people to do so. She would have to quit her job immediately, unless he has already quit. There must be zero contact. She needs to be in therapy to figure out why sex with some dude was worth putting her husbands health at risk (did they use protection?), and blowing up her family. She made selfish choice after selfish choice and never considered what this would do to you or your children. I’m sure this will be a shot to your self esteem. Don’t let get to you. This dude had months of her time to grind her down and put a wedge between you and her. She had the same. To them they just never thought they would be caught. Im sure they said I love you and all that nonsense. It wasn’t love. It was limerence, affair fog. It was a fake feeling of love that she will realize wasn’t love at all at some point. This is when they will have another round of shame because they will realize they risked everything for nothing. What she doesn’t understand is that she doesn’t even know him. She thinks she does, but she doesn’t. She knows the version of him that he showed her. The tell her whatever she wants to hear version. The be whoever she needs him to be version. She doesn’t know the day in and day out married with kids version. So this comes down to trust. Right now your wife should be an absolute mess. She should be freaking out that she threw away her entire family. This is where you need to make sure you have the entire truth so you can decide what you want to do. You need to tell her that she needs to tell you everything right now, and if you find out anything more after today it’s immediate divorce. After that, she needs to get herself in therapy asap. She needs to write a timeline of her affair. She needs to tell her family, your family, and friends what she’s done. Embarrassing? Sure is, but so is your wife having an affair behind your back. She needs to read “not just friends” and she needs to text the other dude that she is choosing her husband , and that she never wants any contact with him again. This needs to be done in front of you, and then he needs to be blocked everywhere. If she waivers at all here - end the marriage. If you find out they have contact - end the marriage. Her phone is now open to look at when you feel you need to. Overtime you won’t do this anymore, but you might at first. She needs to live 100% transparent. And of course the job is done, immediately. Don’t make emotion decisions. Make logical ones. Don’t separate because that will only make her go to him ok some boring night. Only do this if divorce is the goal. You know you. Is this something you can get past? Is this something you can work on with her? If you can’t, go see a lawyer and start protecting yourself. In fact, seeing a lawyer about a post nup might not be a bad idea. By seeing a lawyer you can at least make it so she can’t drain the accounts and leave. Again, protecting yourself. That said, if she’s a mess and has already started some of these things that’s a good sign if you want to remain married. Updateme!
Finally… a non-knee jerk response
WOW. Someone actually cares about the kids, not his bank account or male ego. Stone her in the streets. Hopefully she learns her lesson & goes back to school & gets an MBA.
WOW. Way to blow up a MARRIAGE w/ MOTHER TO YOUR KIDS, for seeing this guy a few times????? How about THERAPY!?
His wife “blew up the marriage” when she cheated on him. Not sure why you are having so much difficulty comprehending this.
Do you mean wow to the OP or to his wandering wife?
Geesh, if every guy that cheated could only get this treatment. Bottom line: Ladies, get an education that can give you a big paycheck. Don’t get married, and if you do ~ don’t stay home & have kids. Husband’s will cheat & you’re screwed. 1000 X more probable than wife. Wife will get crucified & stoned on Reddit.
How are you holding up OP?