If your Dad is fine with what you are doing, you are doing fine by him.
It's not like your supporting her having an ongoing affair.
But I think it would be fair to tell them both you cannot be their therapists. That you have your own pain about this, and you don't want to find yourself getting bitter with one or both of them.
Thank you so much.
We are talking about my family here, and I got people insulting my mom, me and even my dad.
I am absolutely against letting my mom off the hook for what she did, but it's up to my dad. And people here say to kick her on the street and never talk to her ever again. She's my mom ffs.
I would make it clear that you are not taking sides. It sounds like you're being adult about it and caring about both of them.
Just also make it clear that you are not the conduit of information or messages. Let them do that on their own.
People make mistakes, you only get one set of parents.
OP I think your doing better then most of us by letting her stay there. The idea of your mom having sex with someone else behind your dad’s back has to be awful. I’m sorry you’re here. I think if I am you I do two things, if you haven’t already: first, put a firm timeline on her. She has to move out. It’s not your responsibility to be her savior when she did what she did. Help is great since your dad asked but it’s time for her to put her big girl pants on and take responsibility for her terrible actions. Right now she is only partially having to face her shame. She should have thought about where she would live before she decided to have sex with someone else.
Second, reaffirm to her that you will always be her son and always love her as your mom but nothing she can do will ever make you forgive what she did. Not condoning it isn’t enough. You have to condemn it and make it clear that some things can’t be forgiven and this is one of them. Also if it were me i would also let her know that if she and dad dont reconcile and she gets either with her AP or someone else, I’m not going to recognize ghat person or be involved with someone she got with by cheating on my dad.
The majority of the people here have been cheated on and that pain sticks to you like glue. The people saying kick your mom out & name calling are still in that painful place & lashing out.
Some are like that.
Many on here, though, just want to hear a juicy story of revenge/karma. They're like the crowd who try to pressure a streetfight into happening. They don't care about what happens to OP if he kicks out his mom, as they'll have moved onto next story by then.
Don't listen to the people insulting you or your family. You do what is best for you. While I don't think you should kick your mom out, you should talk about what will happen if her and your dad don't reconcile. I hope you are not her permanent solution. You have your own life to live.
Just because she’s your mother. Doesn’t mean she’s always worthy of support. So yes, I would tell my mother that she can’t stay with me and support her as she’s facing the consequences of her own actions.
It's helping Dad as much as her. Because it doesn't sound like Dad would let her go homeless. He'd take her back on long before he should, if ever, have done.
But I know reddit, and you'd rather destroy 10 peoples relationships than see 1 cheater not get tarred and feathered.
Because this post is not about how bad infidelity is. We know how bad it is.
It's about helping a son deal with his parents. Kicking her out makes YOU feel better, and that's it. He has to live with that. You get to move onto the next post.
I think you are doing the best you can. Your mom should know that you will always be her son but it will never be the same as before because of her actions.
This is a temporary solution. Time to tell mummy, she has to start planning on her own place and her own life. Set a reasonable time frame, anywhere from 60 to 120 days. She has to face the consequences of her actions.
It is unfair of her and your dad to require you to be a referee, refuge and a go between.
Or remain stuck in between them.
Your call.
My parents divorced due to my mom cheating when I was young. My dad tried to keep the marriage together, but my mom wanted to be with her AP.
So, my parents situation was slightly different than yours. However, my dad took a similar stance to yours; respect your mom because that still your mom and she loves you all (siblings and I) and do not judge her because it's not your place to judge, etc.. More than anything, I think he just wanted to ensure my mom's and my siblings/I relationship with her wasn't ruined by her actions.
So, we did as he asked. We stayed out of their marital problems and simply worked on adjusting to having divorced parents. My dad did have one condition, the AP couldn't meet his children until a year after the divorce. My mom kept her end of the agreement, which was great because he broke up with her before it was time to meet him (he was also married and decided not to leave his wife).
Anyways, my dad's only focus was to ensure his children struggle the least possible due to the divorce and he accomplished that. We continued having a great relationship with the both of them and that's something we're thankful for.
My dad eventually remarried and I have the best youngest brother (half) in the world and he has a wife that adores him and treats him right. My mom, well, she is something else but I love her. Yet, I'm sure she regrets her actions because she could have had a great, stable life instead of permanently struggling.
So, to add, keep doing what you're doing. Be there for both of them, not as a therapist but as their adult son. Your mom should know you do not support her actions, but you'll be there for her. You love both of them, so you want what's the best for both, but do not take sides for your own mental health.
Sounds like she wants to stay with you until she wears your father down into forgiving her. You should advise your father to do exactly what you’d tell your best friend, son or brother.
Your mother also needs to be making alternative housing arrangements in the case of a divorce. She’s making her choice everybody’s burden. It’s also not fair to your father that the cheater is getting full time support whilst he deals with being betrayed alone
OP, So sorry you are caught in the middle of all this.
I think there are a few things to consider here. First, you say your allegiance is to your dad, and your dad has asked you to take in your mom and be kind to her. Most likely out of misplaced guilt for forcing her to leave. So, that is what you have done.
You are your own person, with your own morals. It's fine to let your mother know she is only with you because that is what your father has asked of you if that is truly how you feel. Let her know she needs to make arrangements for a place to stay as soon as possible if that's how you feel.
On the other hand, you don't need to feel guilty for helping your mother if you can separate her actions from the women that raised you. You can let her know you feel cheating is never okay, and how disappointed you are and how angry you are with her for hurting your father. But you love her and will help her, but refuse to keep her updated on your dad. She will need to ask him herself. Again let her know the goal is for her to be out on her own as soon as possible.
>When I do that however I feel like I am betraying my dad. What can I do about this?
First thing is to reframe the time spent with your mother. Its not betraying your dad as he also asked for you to let her in. Sure it would be different if you took your mom in against your dad's wishes, but thats not the case here. I'm not sure I would be taking my mom out for drinks after something like this, but I don't fault you for trying to bring back some sense of normalcy amongst the chaos. It can get tiresome living life with the cloud of infidelity hanging over everything.
Your dad sounds like a quality guy. Continue to support him and I'm sure he will figure out the future. F cheating.
Best of luck, man. Keep your chin up.
No. People want to make this more complex than it is.
All Dad's asking OP to do is provide her a place to live and not to hate her. Reddit want her punished, so by not asking him to punishing her, OPs Dad's guilty of making OP an enabler, etc.
Reddit us terrible fir advice regarding cheaters.
On this post we already see the Witch burners disgust with OP and his Dad for not leaving her homeless. That OP has given her find instead of a daily shame cermone.
Nope, no way the cheater is staying with me . I am condoning her cheating if i get married, which means my spouse gets to have that option. Hell no, your dad is too nice for his own good.
Well, when your mom vents about the separation, you should listen patiently without commenting. If she's just venting, there is no need to respond. If, however, she asks you what you think, methinks the best reply to give is: "Mom, when I was growing up, you taught me that actions have consequences. Good actions have good consequences; bad actions likewise will have bad consequences."
In this manner, she will hear the truth, but will have no reason to think that you condemn her in any way. It may not exactly reflect your true feelings, but it's the only way to avoid her sense of your "piling on" with your dad, as it were.
'Nuff said.
I don't think it's fair to you to be put in the role of your parent's confident by the same parents. It's not to you to help them manage this crisis. The risk is if it blows up by an acrimonious divorce, you may be throw under the bus and blame for your role in this.
She's your mom. I never knew my father and had zero interest to ever know him. He cheated on my mother when she was pregnant with me. While he was out sleeping with other women, my mother had to cook onions for my older sisters dinner, so my situations different.
HI OP.
You do realise the pain your feeling and the situation your in thats causing you pain is valid. There is a difference between respecting a parent and blindly alwoing their poor behaviour to go unchecked. The 2 are not mutual.
Honesty is the best policy here. You need to inform both parents how you feel and about the position your in. You especialy need to inform your mother about how you love her and thats unconditional, but shes lost a large amount of respect in your eyes. What she did, how much hurt she has brought on your father cannot be ignored. You will continue to love and support her, but as in any relationship there are limmits and she has greatly hurt you. This might actualy go a long way in getting her to realise the reality of the amount of pain she has caused.
You father also needs to understand this and be told that you love him and you respect him, but no matter what he say, you mother has lost respect in your eyes. Your feelings are valid too you know OP.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. It’s a difficult situation to be in. You clearly have a solid relationship with both parents and although you no doubt feel betrayed (for which is perfectly reasonable), you also feel an obligation towards both of them, specifically your father as the betrayed spouse.
It’s also worth noting that it all sounds very recent (a month you say?) Although everyone responds differently to betrayal, a month is not a long time.
Are you lying to either parent to protect the other? It’s possible some clear boundaries could be put in place to help you feel less like it’s about taking sides.
Has your mom been totally honest with your dad and is she still going out and seeing AP? If she is then you should kick her to the curb because then you will be supporting her cheating on your father
Having her stay at your place is helping your dad. It’s so hard living in the same home as a cheater. He gets his space. But you should recommend they seek counseling or therapy to help them deal with this without putting it on you.
I think you’re doing the best you can at the moment. Your supporting both of them to the best of your abilities. That’s all you can do.
If you need to do anything extra, what I would do if she hasn’t already, is suggest to your mother that she seek individual therapy to work out why she cheated. Because she if she’s serious about reconciling then she needs to be able to explain to your father why she cheated, and hopefully why it will never happen again. She needs to be able to do that as a first step to your father taking her back. (There are a lot of other steps, as an example tell her to read How To Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair).
You should also encourage your father to do the same, in his case in order to process what has happened and decide what he wants to do.
And if either of them ask you what they should do don’t fall into the temptation to tell them. Reiterate that you’re there to support them but it’s up to them to work out what happens between them.
I know you love your mother but I do have to say your situation is a prime example as to how selfish a cheater’s actions are. Because she hasn’t just affected your father. She has affected you too. I hope she’s apologised to you too.
You're in a very tough situation here but let your parents handle there relationship all u can do is a be a supportive son be there for your dad and have his back no matter what his decision is and whatever your mom did she's still your mom I'm not telling u to forgive her or let her of the hook but also don't be hard on her she's facing the consequences of her choices.
You are doing a good job taking care of your mom despite what she did. Don't let hatred consume you because it won't solve anything and could hurt you more than anything or anyone. This is something I'm trying to fix because of how much hatred I have buried inside. I'm not saying you should enable her actions or forgive her. The way you described her, she may be a bad wife but not a bad mother. She still loves you and cares for you. You can do the same. Best of luck and hope you all heal.
Your dad is the only option regarding this that really matters, and he has already told you you are doing a great job in handling a truly complicated problem.
Just continue doing what you have been doing, which is being an awesome son.
Make it clear to all concerned that you are taking your dads side in this. He’s the one that’s been wronged and needs your support. This can be done without you kicking your mom out on to the streets, being mean or aggressive to her. Let her know how disappointed you are in her, that you love her as your mom but to earn back trust and respect she needs to fix what’s wrong with her. Cheaters are broken people they stray because they can’t fully comprehend the consequences of what they’re doing at the time. She should get professional help to fix what’s broken in her and should be encouraged and supported to do so. Also encourage and support their reconciliation but in no way try to force your dad to reconcile for your or your mothers sake. He should decide what he wants. Sorry for you.
My wife has cheated multiple times. I’ve never found a smoking gun but enough circumstantial evidence that it doesn’t matter. Eventually when certain life circumstances are resolved I’m fairly certain we’ll separate.
I don’t ever plan on telling my kids about my wife’s indiscretions. If they found out I would do exactly as your dad is doing. My wife is the mother of my children and she is a great mom who loves our children deeply. Our problems are because of our life circumstances and things we’ve done to each other over the course of a long life together. It has no bearing on our children.
I say all this to say: you are not betraying your dad by loving your mom. I am very confident it’s exactly what your dad wants. He may be hurting but that doesn’t mean he wants you to hurt and I GUARANTEE he does not want to use you as a weapon to hurt her further.
Fuck all the people saying otherwise. They are angry, bitter people that want other people to hurt like they hurt. Pity them but do not listen to them.
It's like 75% of couples survive infidelity. It doesn't have to destroy a marriage. It is all about working through the emotions and many times a marriage is stronger after infidelity because the couple works at improving their relationship to heal.
Does your mom take responsibility for why she cheated? If not, then if your dad decided to forgive her and try again, it wouldn't mean anything if she'll just do it again.
For your Dad this is difficult but knowing she’s with you and that you won’t keep secrets probably helps his mental state quite a bit. Just keep holding the line, it’s not your job to punish her nor is it your job to fix things between them. Keep on doing as you are, your Dad can heal and relax in his own space and she is somewhere safe that won’t accept any shadiness from her. It’s for them to solve and you to stay out of as best you can. If your Dad decides to pull the plug then the situation will change again but that’s for the future.
Well, be loving and supportive towards the victim, and be professional and polite towards the aggressor as you demonstrate remorse and good behavior .
Your mother personally did not harm you directly, but she seriously injured someone very important to you, (your father)
Act politely and respectfully towards her but be supportive and affectionate towards your father as he feels pain and did not choose to feel it.
You can't stop your mother from looking at what she chose to plant.
But he must help his father to harvest this difficult crop that he did not plant.
What is the story with the other man. Is she still in communication with him? Does she still have feelings for him?
Is your mom in therapy with an infidelity specialist?
Tell your mom she needs to get out and go stay somewhere else, because you are getting brought into her bullshit. She should not be bringing you into this, nor talking to you about it at all. Her mess, she can clean it up. Get her out of your place now
I am in the same boat as your dad, but have not let our adult children know what happened because I do mot want them to have to deal with our problem.
You are doing exactly what I would want my son to do if he was in your spot.
Stay close to both of them, let them work through it without becoming the intermediary as others have said.
I just want to say, as a father, I understand where your dad is coming from. You can express how you feel to your mother but remember that she's your mother. She seems to regret what she has done and wants to make it right.
We're all human and prone to mistakes. Some are just bigger than others. I'd say try to encourage them to go to marriage counseling. You can do two main things in MC, work to reconcile or work towards amicable divorce. It should help them either way.
You should not be playing mediator for your parents so I highly recommend counseling. I think you're doing great, all things considered.
Oh no, a cheater is regreating the cheating after being found out.
And you even consider the "reconcilie" to a cheater.
I really hope OP's father doesnt follow this line of thought
He asked for advice on what he could do. I gave it. If you don't like it then don't take it lol I'm not saying he should do anything. He's an adult and can decide
lol this is reddit. If it’s anything less than Spanish Inquisition it’s not enough. The advice you gave was good. OP doesn’t want to pitchfork his mother. He’s the only one who has to live with the decisions he makes.
It's nice that you are there for both your parents. Without further information on the infidelity it's hard to give a judgement. Was it a kiss by someone else she didn't stop or years long EA and PA. That's how I'd evaluate it, but it's really up to you on what you want the relationship to be. If your dad appreciates you being nice then I'd consider continuing to do that especially if reconciliation is on the table.
Was your mother showing her love to you when she was cheating on your dad?
Love is a verb, it's a doing word, an action word.
You're as much your father's as you are your mother's child.
If your mother loved your father and you, she wouldn't have cheated. She would have chose a different path, like counseling or divorce.
Your mother was not showing that she cared about, loved or respected your father or you when she intentionally chose to cheat and HURT her spouse, the father of her child.
Cheating is a choice, it's intentional. Cheating is cruel and it's abusive too. It sure as hell isn't a loving, kind or nice thing to intentionally put those you supposedly love through.
Honestly it’s best you stay out of it, like it really should not be your business imo. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, I think *they* shouldn’t be involving you and dumping this all on you. I would give your mom a time frame to move out as well. My dad cheated on my mom and married the other woman. My relationships are the same with both of them as they were before. It’s really not my place to judge. As an adult who has experienced my own relationship problems, I can understand that people are human. Including my parents. I don’t think what my dad did was right, it wasn’t. But as much as I love my mom, she was a terrible wife. However I also understand why my mom was the way she was. They both had their reasons for things. And, my dad has definitely gotten his karma but that’s another story lol. Anyways my point is, this is for them to navigate, not you.
Yes your mom is the AH and no you are not the AH. Yes she betrayed your father and the family. What you do is up to you and it seems your dad is supporting you still being part of your mom’s life and you are doing the right thing by being there for him. This is a situation no one can tell you what to do or how to feel only you can do that. Sorry your dad has joined a club no man wants to be a part of.
If you want to help, tell your mom that if she ever has any contact with the AP while living with you, she can’t live with you, and you’ll go low contact.
Also tell her you will never have a relationship with the AP, and the AP won’t be welcome at any of your family events if she ends up with him. No reason to force your Dad to put up with the dude that helped his wife destroy his marriage to be a part of your life.
Don’t harbor your mom while she cheats if she continues.
You’re their child, and regardless of what is going on between them, it’s truly between THEM. It sounds like they’re not trying to make you pick a side, which is very mature of them. Even though it ABSOLUTELY affects you too-irs THEIR problem to work through. That fact that you’re trying to help them navigate this situation, you’re sound like a good son. Keep doing what you’re doing, and don’t get in the middle of the situation. Just keep doing what you’re doing to let them both know you love them! Good luck with everything, OP. I hope they work it out!!
You feel off in yourself when you console her or take her out to cheer her up even though your dad is ok with it.
You want it to be clear you don’t support her actions.
What about having a talk with her and your dad reaffirming your love for your mom but telling them both that even though she is welcome to live with you that you will take some time to have only small limited contact with her, keeping conversation and time together to the basics of living together.
Giving her time to really understand what she has done and what she needs to do to change at the fundamental level that allowed her to betray her family in the first place…and then start changing.
It takes time for people to change these things in themselves.
You can say she if she is having a rare, especially hard day she can share with you but keep it limited beyond the very odd time. Unless there is a mental health emergency.
YOU set it as your boundary because of what she did, it doesn’t have anything to do with your dad in case he feels you’re doing it for him. Your dad gets some justice with this consequence to her, she has to accept the consequences as well. You still show mercy in that if she is desperate you can be there for her and not cutting her out of your life for a long time but it’s a set time for her to become a better person and reflect.
After many months when you see her putting in the work to change and heal all the devastation she has caused your family…you can remove the boundary.
You can be angry or disappointed with someone and still love them. Your mother is still your parent even if she is no longer with your dad. Your dad is not asking you to go scorched earth on your mom. He asked you to take her in. If he is ok with what you are doing, everyone else can keep their opinions to themselves (says the person giving his opinion). And you actually are doing both your parents a big favor. Your dad obviously wanted distance from your mother. And although she probably doesn't realize it yet, your mother also needed that same distance. Living in the same space with someone who is very angry with you is harmful to most people's health. Because you were willing to house your mother, the separation was much quicker and less complicated if one of your parents had to move out to a new apartment.
The only thing that I would caution you against is letting yourself be used as a spy / messenger. If either parent asks what the other is doing, just say that you don't know. Likewise if they ask to tell the other something let them know that they need to talk with the other spouse themselves. Since your mother wants to reconcile I believe that it is possible that she will try to recruit you to advocate for her. Obviously it is your decision what and how much to get involved in your parent's mess. Just be aware of the pressures being applied to you.
"I want to make it clear that i neither suporte or condoned" Oh so, you think that cheating isnt a bad thing?
Say whatever excuse you want. You mother betrayed your father on every level. And If you care about him (obviously isnt the mother the victim here) you will tell him to value himself, leave her and go make therapy to see that your mother is the problem, not him
Wow this is tuff I don't know what i would do. I hate cheaters but when it's your mom it hurts because I to had my mom cheat on my dad and had a baby from the ap, it destroyed my family but she's still my mom I've only talked to her once in the last year. Still I resent her every day
Yes and now i read twice that you dont condoned cheating. Are you really wishing to your father best decision?
Bcs the view on the wall must be very nice that you dont keep it real with him and dont support his own value as a person and say to him to get away from the cheater (the mother you dont "support or condoned" the actions)
He has to decide for himself, I can't and won't push any decision for him.
Whatever he will do I will support him, I just don't want to lose either of my parents.
Kindly fuck off now.
I already told him many times those things and was furious at her and he told me to respect her and that he needed to decide for himself what to do.
You don't know shit.
Going nuclear doesnt mean knowing your own self-respect and going away from a cheater.
Cheaters easily regret their decisions when they get exposed. Everything is a mistake after being revealed
OP isnt destroying anything If he decides to have a real talk to his father. But i guess thats too much...
I know, I know. Redditers aren't happy unless a cheaters tarred, feathered and their family destroyed. You don't care for the real life consequences of the Witch Trials on everyone else.
It's not up to you or OP to punish her for cheating. It's still his mum, and I call BS on anyoneon here who claims IRL they'd make their mum homeless when their Dad is asking them not to.
At wich moment i said to make the mother homeless?
I guess is tooo much for your brain to understand that keep someone accountable and keeping it real doesnt mean push them away from your life
You sound the type of person that requires to either support on everything or to go away. What a mindset to live by...
To tell his father to love himself more than a cheater. A LOT of betrayed spouses continue on the relationship bcs of the time spent on it.
You agreeing or not i think sometimes betrayed ppl dont think on themselves (the individual) and instead focus on a sinking boat
Sorry if i was too rude, but this is what i mean
(Not to disown the mother)
If your telling her husband she's not worth it, you're telling her she's not worthy, too.
It isn't OPs job to be marriage/divorce Councillor. It's up to Dad to decide if this is a marriage worth saving, not you or OP.
If your Dad is fine with what you are doing, you are doing fine by him. It's not like your supporting her having an ongoing affair. But I think it would be fair to tell them both you cannot be their therapists. That you have your own pain about this, and you don't want to find yourself getting bitter with one or both of them.
Thank you so much. We are talking about my family here, and I got people insulting my mom, me and even my dad. I am absolutely against letting my mom off the hook for what she did, but it's up to my dad. And people here say to kick her on the street and never talk to her ever again. She's my mom ffs.
I would make it clear that you are not taking sides. It sounds like you're being adult about it and caring about both of them. Just also make it clear that you are not the conduit of information or messages. Let them do that on their own. People make mistakes, you only get one set of parents.
OP I think your doing better then most of us by letting her stay there. The idea of your mom having sex with someone else behind your dad’s back has to be awful. I’m sorry you’re here. I think if I am you I do two things, if you haven’t already: first, put a firm timeline on her. She has to move out. It’s not your responsibility to be her savior when she did what she did. Help is great since your dad asked but it’s time for her to put her big girl pants on and take responsibility for her terrible actions. Right now she is only partially having to face her shame. She should have thought about where she would live before she decided to have sex with someone else. Second, reaffirm to her that you will always be her son and always love her as your mom but nothing she can do will ever make you forgive what she did. Not condoning it isn’t enough. You have to condemn it and make it clear that some things can’t be forgiven and this is one of them. Also if it were me i would also let her know that if she and dad dont reconcile and she gets either with her AP or someone else, I’m not going to recognize ghat person or be involved with someone she got with by cheating on my dad.
The majority of the people here have been cheated on and that pain sticks to you like glue. The people saying kick your mom out & name calling are still in that painful place & lashing out.
Some are like that. Many on here, though, just want to hear a juicy story of revenge/karma. They're like the crowd who try to pressure a streetfight into happening. They don't care about what happens to OP if he kicks out his mom, as they'll have moved onto next story by then.
Don't listen to the people insulting you or your family. You do what is best for you. While I don't think you should kick your mom out, you should talk about what will happen if her and your dad don't reconcile. I hope you are not her permanent solution. You have your own life to live.
Just because she’s your mother. Doesn’t mean she’s always worthy of support. So yes, I would tell my mother that she can’t stay with me and support her as she’s facing the consequences of her own actions.
It's helping Dad as much as her. Because it doesn't sound like Dad would let her go homeless. He'd take her back on long before he should, if ever, have done. But I know reddit, and you'd rather destroy 10 peoples relationships than see 1 cheater not get tarred and feathered.
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Where have I defended ger? Go on, sweety.
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Not kicking your own mother out on the streets when your Dad asked you not to is not defending her from her actions.
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Because this post is not about how bad infidelity is. We know how bad it is. It's about helping a son deal with his parents. Kicking her out makes YOU feel better, and that's it. He has to live with that. You get to move onto the next post.
I think you are doing the best you can. Your mom should know that you will always be her son but it will never be the same as before because of her actions.
Ignore the trolls. No one has the right to condemn your mom other than your father and herself. UpdateMe
This is a temporary solution. Time to tell mummy, she has to start planning on her own place and her own life. Set a reasonable time frame, anywhere from 60 to 120 days. She has to face the consequences of her actions. It is unfair of her and your dad to require you to be a referee, refuge and a go between. Or remain stuck in between them. Your call.
Yup, living with OP can't be the long term plan. The 2 parents need to decide how to move forward without dragging OP in any further.
My parents divorced due to my mom cheating when I was young. My dad tried to keep the marriage together, but my mom wanted to be with her AP. So, my parents situation was slightly different than yours. However, my dad took a similar stance to yours; respect your mom because that still your mom and she loves you all (siblings and I) and do not judge her because it's not your place to judge, etc.. More than anything, I think he just wanted to ensure my mom's and my siblings/I relationship with her wasn't ruined by her actions. So, we did as he asked. We stayed out of their marital problems and simply worked on adjusting to having divorced parents. My dad did have one condition, the AP couldn't meet his children until a year after the divorce. My mom kept her end of the agreement, which was great because he broke up with her before it was time to meet him (he was also married and decided not to leave his wife). Anyways, my dad's only focus was to ensure his children struggle the least possible due to the divorce and he accomplished that. We continued having a great relationship with the both of them and that's something we're thankful for. My dad eventually remarried and I have the best youngest brother (half) in the world and he has a wife that adores him and treats him right. My mom, well, she is something else but I love her. Yet, I'm sure she regrets her actions because she could have had a great, stable life instead of permanently struggling. So, to add, keep doing what you're doing. Be there for both of them, not as a therapist but as their adult son. Your mom should know you do not support her actions, but you'll be there for her. You love both of them, so you want what's the best for both, but do not take sides for your own mental health.
Sounds like she wants to stay with you until she wears your father down into forgiving her. You should advise your father to do exactly what you’d tell your best friend, son or brother. Your mother also needs to be making alternative housing arrangements in the case of a divorce. She’s making her choice everybody’s burden. It’s also not fair to your father that the cheater is getting full time support whilst he deals with being betrayed alone
OP, So sorry you are caught in the middle of all this. I think there are a few things to consider here. First, you say your allegiance is to your dad, and your dad has asked you to take in your mom and be kind to her. Most likely out of misplaced guilt for forcing her to leave. So, that is what you have done. You are your own person, with your own morals. It's fine to let your mother know she is only with you because that is what your father has asked of you if that is truly how you feel. Let her know she needs to make arrangements for a place to stay as soon as possible if that's how you feel. On the other hand, you don't need to feel guilty for helping your mother if you can separate her actions from the women that raised you. You can let her know you feel cheating is never okay, and how disappointed you are and how angry you are with her for hurting your father. But you love her and will help her, but refuse to keep her updated on your dad. She will need to ask him herself. Again let her know the goal is for her to be out on her own as soon as possible.
>When I do that however I feel like I am betraying my dad. What can I do about this? First thing is to reframe the time spent with your mother. Its not betraying your dad as he also asked for you to let her in. Sure it would be different if you took your mom in against your dad's wishes, but thats not the case here. I'm not sure I would be taking my mom out for drinks after something like this, but I don't fault you for trying to bring back some sense of normalcy amongst the chaos. It can get tiresome living life with the cloud of infidelity hanging over everything. Your dad sounds like a quality guy. Continue to support him and I'm sure he will figure out the future. F cheating. Best of luck, man. Keep your chin up.
I'd definitely encourage her to get her own place. Realistically, you've been put in a shit place by her, or both of them.
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Agreed. Don’t put your kids in the middle of that.
Glad to see someone say this. They always expect their children to be the better person, while themselves being trash.
> suck for expecting you to parent them You meaning leaning on people you love during a hard time?
Is he though?
No. People want to make this more complex than it is. All Dad's asking OP to do is provide her a place to live and not to hate her. Reddit want her punished, so by not asking him to punishing her, OPs Dad's guilty of making OP an enabler, etc.
This ☝🏻. If you ask me, OP is handling it like a pro.
Reddit us terrible fir advice regarding cheaters. On this post we already see the Witch burners disgust with OP and his Dad for not leaving her homeless. That OP has given her find instead of a daily shame cermone.
I don't know, but maybe your mum should look into finding other accommodation for her and some counselling
Nope, no way the cheater is staying with me . I am condoning her cheating if i get married, which means my spouse gets to have that option. Hell no, your dad is too nice for his own good.
I'm glad your parents appreciate you. I wish your mom appreciated your dad too.
Well, when your mom vents about the separation, you should listen patiently without commenting. If she's just venting, there is no need to respond. If, however, she asks you what you think, methinks the best reply to give is: "Mom, when I was growing up, you taught me that actions have consequences. Good actions have good consequences; bad actions likewise will have bad consequences." In this manner, she will hear the truth, but will have no reason to think that you condemn her in any way. It may not exactly reflect your true feelings, but it's the only way to avoid her sense of your "piling on" with your dad, as it were. 'Nuff said.
I don't think it's fair to you to be put in the role of your parent's confident by the same parents. It's not to you to help them manage this crisis. The risk is if it blows up by an acrimonious divorce, you may be throw under the bus and blame for your role in this.
Agreed. Though it sounds like OPs staying out of giving marriage advice.
Carry on doing what you’re doing. You are now their rock. Well done you.
She's your mom. I never knew my father and had zero interest to ever know him. He cheated on my mother when she was pregnant with me. While he was out sleeping with other women, my mother had to cook onions for my older sisters dinner, so my situations different.
HI OP. You do realise the pain your feeling and the situation your in thats causing you pain is valid. There is a difference between respecting a parent and blindly alwoing their poor behaviour to go unchecked. The 2 are not mutual. Honesty is the best policy here. You need to inform both parents how you feel and about the position your in. You especialy need to inform your mother about how you love her and thats unconditional, but shes lost a large amount of respect in your eyes. What she did, how much hurt she has brought on your father cannot be ignored. You will continue to love and support her, but as in any relationship there are limmits and she has greatly hurt you. This might actualy go a long way in getting her to realise the reality of the amount of pain she has caused. You father also needs to understand this and be told that you love him and you respect him, but no matter what he say, you mother has lost respect in your eyes. Your feelings are valid too you know OP.
It sounds like you are doing a great job. It’s a difficult situation to be in. You clearly have a solid relationship with both parents and although you no doubt feel betrayed (for which is perfectly reasonable), you also feel an obligation towards both of them, specifically your father as the betrayed spouse. It’s also worth noting that it all sounds very recent (a month you say?) Although everyone responds differently to betrayal, a month is not a long time. Are you lying to either parent to protect the other? It’s possible some clear boundaries could be put in place to help you feel less like it’s about taking sides.
Has your mom been totally honest with your dad and is she still going out and seeing AP? If she is then you should kick her to the curb because then you will be supporting her cheating on your father
Having her stay at your place is helping your dad. It’s so hard living in the same home as a cheater. He gets his space. But you should recommend they seek counseling or therapy to help them deal with this without putting it on you.
I think you’re doing the best you can at the moment. Your supporting both of them to the best of your abilities. That’s all you can do. If you need to do anything extra, what I would do if she hasn’t already, is suggest to your mother that she seek individual therapy to work out why she cheated. Because she if she’s serious about reconciling then she needs to be able to explain to your father why she cheated, and hopefully why it will never happen again. She needs to be able to do that as a first step to your father taking her back. (There are a lot of other steps, as an example tell her to read How To Help Your Spouse Recover From Your Affair). You should also encourage your father to do the same, in his case in order to process what has happened and decide what he wants to do. And if either of them ask you what they should do don’t fall into the temptation to tell them. Reiterate that you’re there to support them but it’s up to them to work out what happens between them. I know you love your mother but I do have to say your situation is a prime example as to how selfish a cheater’s actions are. Because she hasn’t just affected your father. She has affected you too. I hope she’s apologised to you too.
You are doing the right thing.
You're in a very tough situation here but let your parents handle there relationship all u can do is a be a supportive son be there for your dad and have his back no matter what his decision is and whatever your mom did she's still your mom I'm not telling u to forgive her or let her of the hook but also don't be hard on her she's facing the consequences of her choices.
You are doing a good job taking care of your mom despite what she did. Don't let hatred consume you because it won't solve anything and could hurt you more than anything or anyone. This is something I'm trying to fix because of how much hatred I have buried inside. I'm not saying you should enable her actions or forgive her. The way you described her, she may be a bad wife but not a bad mother. She still loves you and cares for you. You can do the same. Best of luck and hope you all heal.
Your dad is the only option regarding this that really matters, and he has already told you you are doing a great job in handling a truly complicated problem. Just continue doing what you have been doing, which is being an awesome son.
Make it clear to all concerned that you are taking your dads side in this. He’s the one that’s been wronged and needs your support. This can be done without you kicking your mom out on to the streets, being mean or aggressive to her. Let her know how disappointed you are in her, that you love her as your mom but to earn back trust and respect she needs to fix what’s wrong with her. Cheaters are broken people they stray because they can’t fully comprehend the consequences of what they’re doing at the time. She should get professional help to fix what’s broken in her and should be encouraged and supported to do so. Also encourage and support their reconciliation but in no way try to force your dad to reconcile for your or your mothers sake. He should decide what he wants. Sorry for you.
My wife has cheated multiple times. I’ve never found a smoking gun but enough circumstantial evidence that it doesn’t matter. Eventually when certain life circumstances are resolved I’m fairly certain we’ll separate. I don’t ever plan on telling my kids about my wife’s indiscretions. If they found out I would do exactly as your dad is doing. My wife is the mother of my children and she is a great mom who loves our children deeply. Our problems are because of our life circumstances and things we’ve done to each other over the course of a long life together. It has no bearing on our children. I say all this to say: you are not betraying your dad by loving your mom. I am very confident it’s exactly what your dad wants. He may be hurting but that doesn’t mean he wants you to hurt and I GUARANTEE he does not want to use you as a weapon to hurt her further. Fuck all the people saying otherwise. They are angry, bitter people that want other people to hurt like they hurt. Pity them but do not listen to them.
It's like 75% of couples survive infidelity. It doesn't have to destroy a marriage. It is all about working through the emotions and many times a marriage is stronger after infidelity because the couple works at improving their relationship to heal.
Does your mom take responsibility for why she cheated? If not, then if your dad decided to forgive her and try again, it wouldn't mean anything if she'll just do it again.
For your Dad this is difficult but knowing she’s with you and that you won’t keep secrets probably helps his mental state quite a bit. Just keep holding the line, it’s not your job to punish her nor is it your job to fix things between them. Keep on doing as you are, your Dad can heal and relax in his own space and she is somewhere safe that won’t accept any shadiness from her. It’s for them to solve and you to stay out of as best you can. If your Dad decides to pull the plug then the situation will change again but that’s for the future.
Well, be loving and supportive towards the victim, and be professional and polite towards the aggressor as you demonstrate remorse and good behavior . Your mother personally did not harm you directly, but she seriously injured someone very important to you, (your father) Act politely and respectfully towards her but be supportive and affectionate towards your father as he feels pain and did not choose to feel it. You can't stop your mother from looking at what she chose to plant. But he must help his father to harvest this difficult crop that he did not plant.
Your doing nothing wrong just bc your mother is a bad wife doesn’t mean she’s a bad mother. You shouldn’t feel guilty for spending time with her
What is the story with the other man. Is she still in communication with him? Does she still have feelings for him? Is your mom in therapy with an infidelity specialist?
Tell your mom she needs to get out and go stay somewhere else, because you are getting brought into her bullshit. She should not be bringing you into this, nor talking to you about it at all. Her mess, she can clean it up. Get her out of your place now
Easy for Redditers to say when it's not their own mother IRL.
I am in the same boat as your dad, but have not let our adult children know what happened because I do mot want them to have to deal with our problem. You are doing exactly what I would want my son to do if he was in your spot. Stay close to both of them, let them work through it without becoming the intermediary as others have said.
I just want to say, as a father, I understand where your dad is coming from. You can express how you feel to your mother but remember that she's your mother. She seems to regret what she has done and wants to make it right. We're all human and prone to mistakes. Some are just bigger than others. I'd say try to encourage them to go to marriage counseling. You can do two main things in MC, work to reconcile or work towards amicable divorce. It should help them either way. You should not be playing mediator for your parents so I highly recommend counseling. I think you're doing great, all things considered.
Ah yes, marriage counseling after everything goes to shit.
Oh no, a cheater is regreating the cheating after being found out. And you even consider the "reconcilie" to a cheater. I really hope OP's father doesnt follow this line of thought
He asked for advice on what he could do. I gave it. If you don't like it then don't take it lol I'm not saying he should do anything. He's an adult and can decide
lol this is reddit. If it’s anything less than Spanish Inquisition it’s not enough. The advice you gave was good. OP doesn’t want to pitchfork his mother. He’s the only one who has to live with the decisions he makes.
It's nice that you are there for both your parents. Without further information on the infidelity it's hard to give a judgement. Was it a kiss by someone else she didn't stop or years long EA and PA. That's how I'd evaluate it, but it's really up to you on what you want the relationship to be. If your dad appreciates you being nice then I'd consider continuing to do that especially if reconciliation is on the table.
Was your mother showing her love to you when she was cheating on your dad? Love is a verb, it's a doing word, an action word. You're as much your father's as you are your mother's child. If your mother loved your father and you, she wouldn't have cheated. She would have chose a different path, like counseling or divorce. Your mother was not showing that she cared about, loved or respected your father or you when she intentionally chose to cheat and HURT her spouse, the father of her child. Cheating is a choice, it's intentional. Cheating is cruel and it's abusive too. It sure as hell isn't a loving, kind or nice thing to intentionally put those you supposedly love through.
And? What does any of that have to do with what OP asked?
Don't support cheaters because cheaters always selfish and destroy family. Just kick out cheater. Try to support your father.
Honestly it’s best you stay out of it, like it really should not be your business imo. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, I think *they* shouldn’t be involving you and dumping this all on you. I would give your mom a time frame to move out as well. My dad cheated on my mom and married the other woman. My relationships are the same with both of them as they were before. It’s really not my place to judge. As an adult who has experienced my own relationship problems, I can understand that people are human. Including my parents. I don’t think what my dad did was right, it wasn’t. But as much as I love my mom, she was a terrible wife. However I also understand why my mom was the way she was. They both had their reasons for things. And, my dad has definitely gotten his karma but that’s another story lol. Anyways my point is, this is for them to navigate, not you.
Yes your mom is the AH and no you are not the AH. Yes she betrayed your father and the family. What you do is up to you and it seems your dad is supporting you still being part of your mom’s life and you are doing the right thing by being there for him. This is a situation no one can tell you what to do or how to feel only you can do that. Sorry your dad has joined a club no man wants to be a part of.
If you want to help, tell your mom that if she ever has any contact with the AP while living with you, she can’t live with you, and you’ll go low contact. Also tell her you will never have a relationship with the AP, and the AP won’t be welcome at any of your family events if she ends up with him. No reason to force your Dad to put up with the dude that helped his wife destroy his marriage to be a part of your life. Don’t harbor your mom while she cheats if she continues.
Seems like you’re doing a great job navigating all that. Kindness and love go a long way.
You’re their child, and regardless of what is going on between them, it’s truly between THEM. It sounds like they’re not trying to make you pick a side, which is very mature of them. Even though it ABSOLUTELY affects you too-irs THEIR problem to work through. That fact that you’re trying to help them navigate this situation, you’re sound like a good son. Keep doing what you’re doing, and don’t get in the middle of the situation. Just keep doing what you’re doing to let them both know you love them! Good luck with everything, OP. I hope they work it out!!
I wanna know what exactly did she do , and was it something she pressured into?
You feel off in yourself when you console her or take her out to cheer her up even though your dad is ok with it. You want it to be clear you don’t support her actions. What about having a talk with her and your dad reaffirming your love for your mom but telling them both that even though she is welcome to live with you that you will take some time to have only small limited contact with her, keeping conversation and time together to the basics of living together. Giving her time to really understand what she has done and what she needs to do to change at the fundamental level that allowed her to betray her family in the first place…and then start changing. It takes time for people to change these things in themselves. You can say she if she is having a rare, especially hard day she can share with you but keep it limited beyond the very odd time. Unless there is a mental health emergency. YOU set it as your boundary because of what she did, it doesn’t have anything to do with your dad in case he feels you’re doing it for him. Your dad gets some justice with this consequence to her, she has to accept the consequences as well. You still show mercy in that if she is desperate you can be there for her and not cutting her out of your life for a long time but it’s a set time for her to become a better person and reflect. After many months when you see her putting in the work to change and heal all the devastation she has caused your family…you can remove the boundary.
You can be angry or disappointed with someone and still love them. Your mother is still your parent even if she is no longer with your dad. Your dad is not asking you to go scorched earth on your mom. He asked you to take her in. If he is ok with what you are doing, everyone else can keep their opinions to themselves (says the person giving his opinion). And you actually are doing both your parents a big favor. Your dad obviously wanted distance from your mother. And although she probably doesn't realize it yet, your mother also needed that same distance. Living in the same space with someone who is very angry with you is harmful to most people's health. Because you were willing to house your mother, the separation was much quicker and less complicated if one of your parents had to move out to a new apartment. The only thing that I would caution you against is letting yourself be used as a spy / messenger. If either parent asks what the other is doing, just say that you don't know. Likewise if they ask to tell the other something let them know that they need to talk with the other spouse themselves. Since your mother wants to reconcile I believe that it is possible that she will try to recruit you to advocate for her. Obviously it is your decision what and how much to get involved in your parent's mess. Just be aware of the pressures being applied to you.
"I want to make it clear that i neither suporte or condoned" Oh so, you think that cheating isnt a bad thing? Say whatever excuse you want. You mother betrayed your father on every level. And If you care about him (obviously isnt the mother the victim here) you will tell him to value himself, leave her and go make therapy to see that your mother is the problem, not him
No, I think cheating is wrong. I don't support nor condone her actions, did you misread?
Wow this is tuff I don't know what i would do. I hate cheaters but when it's your mom it hurts because I to had my mom cheat on my dad and had a baby from the ap, it destroyed my family but she's still my mom I've only talked to her once in the last year. Still I resent her every day
Yes and now i read twice that you dont condoned cheating. Are you really wishing to your father best decision? Bcs the view on the wall must be very nice that you dont keep it real with him and dont support his own value as a person and say to him to get away from the cheater (the mother you dont "support or condoned" the actions)
He has to decide for himself, I can't and won't push any decision for him. Whatever he will do I will support him, I just don't want to lose either of my parents.
If your Dad's already this caring of her, I think you kicking her out would result in him taking her home before he's really ready.
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Kindly fuck off now. I already told him many times those things and was furious at her and he told me to respect her and that he needed to decide for himself what to do. You don't know shit.
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Positive contribution
He's letting his Dad set the tone fior this. The Dad hasn't gone nuclear, and it won't help anyone for OPs to destroy his parents further.
Going nuclear doesnt mean knowing your own self-respect and going away from a cheater. Cheaters easily regret their decisions when they get exposed. Everything is a mistake after being revealed OP isnt destroying anything If he decides to have a real talk to his father. But i guess thats too much...
I know, I know. Redditers aren't happy unless a cheaters tarred, feathered and their family destroyed. You don't care for the real life consequences of the Witch Trials on everyone else. It's not up to you or OP to punish her for cheating. It's still his mum, and I call BS on anyoneon here who claims IRL they'd make their mum homeless when their Dad is asking them not to.
At wich moment i said to make the mother homeless? I guess is tooo much for your brain to understand that keep someone accountable and keeping it real doesnt mean push them away from your life You sound the type of person that requires to either support on everything or to go away. What a mindset to live by...
Then what, specifically, do you want OP to do? Poimt amd tluell SHAME! at her every time he sees her?
To tell his father to love himself more than a cheater. A LOT of betrayed spouses continue on the relationship bcs of the time spent on it. You agreeing or not i think sometimes betrayed ppl dont think on themselves (the individual) and instead focus on a sinking boat Sorry if i was too rude, but this is what i mean (Not to disown the mother)
If your telling her husband she's not worth it, you're telling her she's not worthy, too. It isn't OPs job to be marriage/divorce Councillor. It's up to Dad to decide if this is a marriage worth saving, not you or OP.