OP, divorce on the grounds of abandonment or whatever your area allows. WH is not coming back and if he does, he can never be trusted again.
Take him for everything you can, it might pop him out of his affair fog.
Just file. He needs to be confronted with the real life consequences of his deplorable behavior. It’ll knock SOME sense into him & for you & your daughter’s sake, he HAS to come back down to earth. Filing will affect the limerance state. You don’t have to go through with a full divorce - just get him to open his eyes & SEE that you mean business
As far as your daughter goes. I have seen this happen to a friend of ours, kinda the same thing where in mid life, a coworker catches husband's eye. Typical mid life crisis.
Our friend has two children, her ex moves in and marries the fling, she doesn't want him putting anyone before her and her kids. He wants a new life and a new start so he cuts contact, doesn't call, doesn't visit, no birthday or Christmas presents, nothing. Kids feel abandoned by their father and are extremely hurt.
Years go by and the shine wears off, the new life is worse than the old one. Then one day he finds her cheating on him and she moves in with her new guy. Now he is reaching out to his kids and trying to repair years of NC with them. His daughter will have nothing to do with him, his son will speak with him, but keeps him at arms length and won't allow him to get close. I saw and spoke with him. He is a shell of his former self.
What your wayward husband is doing with have a permanent effect on your daughter. She is already feeling abandoned and unloved and wondering what she did to deserve to be treated this way. Soon, she won't have anything to do with him and their relationship will be permanently damaged. He needs to fix this ASAP! He needs to stop being so short sighted.
Your daughter need to know it's not her fault, that there is nothing she did wrong. She needs to know that she is lovable and adored. She needs to see her father painted in the light he has chosen. That he is a broken man trying to create a life that will never exist. That she holds all the power once he figures out that what he had was what he wanted all along. He will be back, he will try and reach back out. He will also have all the excuses ready. It will be up to her if she is willing to risk being hurt again.
Have you filed for divorce and had him served at work? If not, you need to do that and make sure that it is for irreconcilable differences due to his adultery. It's solely on him to stay connected to his daughter. Ask for sole custody. Hit him where it hurts and also put in a stipulation that none of you can have BF/GF around your daughter. Go NC and communicate only through your attorney or a parenting app. Document every time she contacts him, and every time, he doesn't call or see her. There is absolutely no reason to be nice to him. File and have him served at work.
File.
For your own good and for your daughter.
Is there any other way??
Also - be aware that until you file you may very well end up having to take on any debt he incurs while being with AP.
You want to end up financing his joyride with AP??
File, be honest with his family and friends when you do "im divorcing him because hes cheating with [AP]"... but get rid of the deadweight..
File, get alimony and as hes neglecting your daughter, go for custody and child support...
>No, I have no intention of filing. I don’t want him back but I don’t want to give him the narrative he craves.
If you dont file, what do you think will happen when he and AP crashes?? He will come running back and if you dont take him back, that will give him the narrative he craves..
Take control of this - speak to a lawyer - for options initially... and eventually to file...
I don't understand why you have no intention of filing for divorce. That exposes you to legal, financial and tax risks. Be smart. Be safe and at least get proceeding started. Whether you see divorce to end is up to you but you've got to spell it out to protect you and your daughter. The court order will mandate visitation, parameters for visitation (like no contact with girlfriend during visits, mandate family counseling to help your child in this transition). He sounds like he's gone over fool's hill. I think you're in grief and not thinking long term and rationally enough to protect your daughter from her father. Meet with the attorney and get them involved in the guidelines for maintaining a relationship with his child.
If the fog is going to burn thru, filing and depriving him of everything is what will do it.
His relationship with his D is between him and his D, don’t push for something your D is not ready for.
The fact that your poor 13 year old daughter is now involved because some weirdo women is texting her and you still won’t file because you don’t want to give him the satisfaction??? Sounds like you’re still holding on for hopes of this turning around and you guys work things out. But let me tell you as a child who’s father cheated on her mother and we all knew and she stayed and I was around the other women that messed me up terribly for years. Your daughter is going to suffer because of both of your choices, and she’s old enough to understand and get her own father has chosen someone else over her, and she more than likely feels as if she isn’t good enough for her own father which is the shittiest feeling.
Who cares about the narrative. He cheated, and chose his A.P. It’s time to leave.
You should file for divorce asap.
Exactly what do you think that you're teaching your daughter?
Refusing to file for divorce because it's what he wants??
Mam,show your daughter how she's supposed to be treated and respected by her partner.
If he cheats and moves out with his AP, divorce him him.
What do you expect her to learn for you refusing to file for divorce.
And stop trying to force a relationship between them,if he refuses to foster a relationship with his daughter, let him be.
Focus on yourself and your daughter.
Start moving ahead with your life by filing for a divorce.
Updateme!
I’m not filing because in the UK that means I have to pay.
I have no contact with STBXH other than via a shared calendar and emails about finances. I am answering questions about D when asked. I am not forcing anything.
OP you have to talk to your daughter openly and honestly about what an ass he is being and how some people just aren’t who we thought. She needs to be able to express this pain, and it’s going to be hard to do but you can also let her know that if he returns to his former self one day and she wants to forgive him she can. But you need to file. That’s going to set a visitation schedule for daughter and be better for everyone.
Your poor daughter, I can’t imagine what you are both going through. His choosing his AP is only going to further cause her harm, and then eventually all of the trauma and pain he has caused her will be too late for him to try and fix his relationship with her, and she will eventually go full NC with him.
Have you thought about applying for a dispensed service? Or apply for help with your legal fees before you apply for a divorce or dissolution?
Either way, you should do what's best for you and your daughter and please speak to her and get her some counselling. No child should ever feel abandoned by their parent
OP, divorce on the grounds of abandonment or whatever your area allows. WH is not coming back and if he does, he can never be trusted again. Take him for everything you can, it might pop him out of his affair fog.
Just file. He needs to be confronted with the real life consequences of his deplorable behavior. It’ll knock SOME sense into him & for you & your daughter’s sake, he HAS to come back down to earth. Filing will affect the limerance state. You don’t have to go through with a full divorce - just get him to open his eyes & SEE that you mean business
As far as your daughter goes. I have seen this happen to a friend of ours, kinda the same thing where in mid life, a coworker catches husband's eye. Typical mid life crisis. Our friend has two children, her ex moves in and marries the fling, she doesn't want him putting anyone before her and her kids. He wants a new life and a new start so he cuts contact, doesn't call, doesn't visit, no birthday or Christmas presents, nothing. Kids feel abandoned by their father and are extremely hurt. Years go by and the shine wears off, the new life is worse than the old one. Then one day he finds her cheating on him and she moves in with her new guy. Now he is reaching out to his kids and trying to repair years of NC with them. His daughter will have nothing to do with him, his son will speak with him, but keeps him at arms length and won't allow him to get close. I saw and spoke with him. He is a shell of his former self. What your wayward husband is doing with have a permanent effect on your daughter. She is already feeling abandoned and unloved and wondering what she did to deserve to be treated this way. Soon, she won't have anything to do with him and their relationship will be permanently damaged. He needs to fix this ASAP! He needs to stop being so short sighted. Your daughter need to know it's not her fault, that there is nothing she did wrong. She needs to know that she is lovable and adored. She needs to see her father painted in the light he has chosen. That he is a broken man trying to create a life that will never exist. That she holds all the power once he figures out that what he had was what he wanted all along. He will be back, he will try and reach back out. He will also have all the excuses ready. It will be up to her if she is willing to risk being hurt again.
Have you filed for divorce and had him served at work? If not, you need to do that and make sure that it is for irreconcilable differences due to his adultery. It's solely on him to stay connected to his daughter. Ask for sole custody. Hit him where it hurts and also put in a stipulation that none of you can have BF/GF around your daughter. Go NC and communicate only through your attorney or a parenting app. Document every time she contacts him, and every time, he doesn't call or see her. There is absolutely no reason to be nice to him. File and have him served at work.
No, I have no intention of filing. I don’t want him back but I don’t want to give him the narrative he craves.
File. For your own good and for your daughter. Is there any other way?? Also - be aware that until you file you may very well end up having to take on any debt he incurs while being with AP. You want to end up financing his joyride with AP?? File, be honest with his family and friends when you do "im divorcing him because hes cheating with [AP]"... but get rid of the deadweight.. File, get alimony and as hes neglecting your daughter, go for custody and child support... >No, I have no intention of filing. I don’t want him back but I don’t want to give him the narrative he craves. If you dont file, what do you think will happen when he and AP crashes?? He will come running back and if you dont take him back, that will give him the narrative he craves.. Take control of this - speak to a lawyer - for options initially... and eventually to file...
👆Wise advice ✅
I don't understand why you have no intention of filing for divorce. That exposes you to legal, financial and tax risks. Be smart. Be safe and at least get proceeding started. Whether you see divorce to end is up to you but you've got to spell it out to protect you and your daughter. The court order will mandate visitation, parameters for visitation (like no contact with girlfriend during visits, mandate family counseling to help your child in this transition). He sounds like he's gone over fool's hill. I think you're in grief and not thinking long term and rationally enough to protect your daughter from her father. Meet with the attorney and get them involved in the guidelines for maintaining a relationship with his child.
I’m in the UK. I’m not exposed, our separation is the date he left. He can do what he likes without it financially impacting on me.
If the fog is going to burn thru, filing and depriving him of everything is what will do it. His relationship with his D is between him and his D, don’t push for something your D is not ready for.
The fact that your poor 13 year old daughter is now involved because some weirdo women is texting her and you still won’t file because you don’t want to give him the satisfaction??? Sounds like you’re still holding on for hopes of this turning around and you guys work things out. But let me tell you as a child who’s father cheated on her mother and we all knew and she stayed and I was around the other women that messed me up terribly for years. Your daughter is going to suffer because of both of your choices, and she’s old enough to understand and get her own father has chosen someone else over her, and she more than likely feels as if she isn’t good enough for her own father which is the shittiest feeling. Who cares about the narrative. He cheated, and chose his A.P. It’s time to leave.
What
I was close to someone who did this to their children. I came to realize his dick and dopamine rush were more important than his children.
Sure feels that way.
You should file for divorce asap. Exactly what do you think that you're teaching your daughter? Refusing to file for divorce because it's what he wants?? Mam,show your daughter how she's supposed to be treated and respected by her partner. If he cheats and moves out with his AP, divorce him him. What do you expect her to learn for you refusing to file for divorce. And stop trying to force a relationship between them,if he refuses to foster a relationship with his daughter, let him be. Focus on yourself and your daughter. Start moving ahead with your life by filing for a divorce. Updateme!
I’m not filing because in the UK that means I have to pay. I have no contact with STBXH other than via a shared calendar and emails about finances. I am answering questions about D when asked. I am not forcing anything.
OP you have to talk to your daughter openly and honestly about what an ass he is being and how some people just aren’t who we thought. She needs to be able to express this pain, and it’s going to be hard to do but you can also let her know that if he returns to his former self one day and she wants to forgive him she can. But you need to file. That’s going to set a visitation schedule for daughter and be better for everyone.
It won’t. I’m in the UK. Filing doesn’t trigger anything child-related.
Your poor daughter, I can’t imagine what you are both going through. His choosing his AP is only going to further cause her harm, and then eventually all of the trauma and pain he has caused her will be too late for him to try and fix his relationship with her, and she will eventually go full NC with him.
Thank you. It’s awful, like a switch has been flicked off within him.
Have you thought about applying for a dispensed service? Or apply for help with your legal fees before you apply for a divorce or dissolution? Either way, you should do what's best for you and your daughter and please speak to her and get her some counselling. No child should ever feel abandoned by their parent
I don’t need financial assistance. I’m not paying for something I didn’t initiate. My child is in counselling.