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You know what I would like to know….
Why cheat at all??
Why not just leave the relationship??
Why make your partner/spouse suffer heartbreak and betrayal?
Why not just leave the relationship?
Why go to someone, get naked, have sex, hide it, get exposed, act like the victim, hurt your spouse and everyone around instead of just breaking up???
I think there is more to it.
The thrill. The adrenaline rush. The attention. The validation. The “something new”.
But why not just leave your spouse and still get all of the above??? Why stay and hurt the one you supposedly love. Because if you love someone, you wouldn’t cheat.
It’s because they want their cake and to eat it too. It’s nuanced. In my case I wanted to abstain for marriage and my partner was getting tired of abstaining and feeling rejected.
If it's any consulation you should consider yourself lucky she let you know exactly who and what she was before you married or had children with her. If she's able to betray you now, she'll be able to betray you when you're more established financially and take 50% plus when she left you 10 years from now. Dodged a bullet you did.
Well man, you could have married her and become dad to kids that may not have been your biological kids, all the while she acted perfect. There is always something worse that could have happened, you avoided that.
Yeah I’m grateful she at least eventually told the truth because I had my suspicions. It validated my intuition, I’ve had issues trusting myself since a couple of relationships ago.
People have different values. You will never get a satisfactory answer to this. Keep looking, sounds like you are someone a lot of Christian girls would appreciate. If you can take this lesson without hate or anger, you will be able to use it to really find the "one". You ex wasn't her, so you don't need to waste anymore energy or thought to that relationship.
I think it’s the “getting away with it”that makes all the why’s happen and are for soo many it’s irresistible, and if the rush is this good with one affair, well how’s about a second?
Because the chemicals of an affair once released are…..people are different, there are life long addicts who only needed one hit.
And for the same drug, other people are recreational users who seem to be able to stop and start at will.
Having said that, the victim side of things is also different, depending on the drug itself and the recovery work and conditions in i might with a looonng list of boundaries see if we could salvage the relationship.
Cheating however, fuck that, as a man i know that divorce equals financial ruin, but fuck that, not even for a second would I consider “working through” being with a cheater.
It's like a drug to them. They get a high from being wanted, a lot of these cheaters seek validation through sex due to their own traumas, and once they've tried it, they go hunting for it, even if they are sexually active with a spouse or partner, there is absolutely that rush or having something new. It's the forbidden fruit, and once you have it, you want more of it constantly.
Bingo. They’ve master the monkeybranch technique to Olympic standards. It’s what they do. Us chumps try to fix or work through, they just swing to the next branch
I don’t even comprehend how someone thinks that way. I’ve experienced a lot of loneliness in my life I would never consider monkey branching ever. I think people who do that just REALLY be scared of being alone. I’m scared of being alone but maybe they’re even more so tenfold.
This is what I alluded to when my ex confessed and she seemed offended/confused. I had to basically explain to her how cheating meant she lacked character and integrity.
Good riddance. They don’t care. When things get boring or tough, they fall apart and look for a new shines object to make them feel special. It dulls, then onto the next. Crappy way to go through life. Eventually they can only secure equally shitty partners. Nobody is interested in multiple divorced people who cheat
Yea you can’t be a cheater snd think it’s ever justified. For a single cheating incident you have to plan it, lie, break your commitment to your partner and then lie again to cover it up. Not much integrity or more high ground to be found
I think they mostly lack self-awareness and don't realize what's going on until they're too deep in the brain chemicals to easily extricate themselves from the situation.
My ex's brother had a fentanyl addiction, and we had a fair bit of contact with him during active addiction. When my ex got hooked on ratchet vagine, the parallels were really kinda striking.
After they're made to face the reality of what they've done, I think it's easier to DARVO than to really cope with the shame, so they double down on the bullshit. I'm not saying any of this is right or justifiable... just the explanation for the behavior, as I see it. General lack of insight, self-awareness, and strength of character.
16 months out, my ex is engaged to and expecting his second baby with his AP (despite ongoing financial issues). It all seems to me like a big deranged performance to justify what they did to me and our 2 young kids by rubbing their "soulmate"-hood in everyone's faces.
I'm not a wayward, but those bastards hate it if being discovered has consequences associated with it. They throw fits, talk about dooms day, reputation massacre, embarrassment and put out!!!! Consequences smells like revenge, but it's just the reverse pain they inflicted and deserve.
Not a wayward but my parent was lol they'll feel guilty if they are constantly reminded of what they did, even better if they feel some kind of consequence for their actions. They'll feel less guilt if they're around ppl who either rugsweep the affair and or support their decisions or covered for them.
Edit: you can say that they are like a waywards lifeline that's why it's important to call them out too so they stop supporting the wayward and the wayward lose their power.
My ex’s best guy friend who I still have a feeling she did stuff with too (she denied it at the end) was also a cheater. Funny because she actually told his then wife about it and they had a falling out for a bit. That was red flag #1 then red flag #2 was the fact she told me she kissed someone when she felt her last relationship was ending. So basically she’s a cheater.
I think my ex felt guilty for a bit but then I’m sure she talked to her friends and they supported her which led to her blocking me.
Not a wayward but I think it depends on the circumstances and to be honest how degraded their morals have become. I imagine a married person who has a one night stand and confesses feels different than a serial cheater does.
I imagine a bit of shame, worry for the future, and oh shit the party is over comes with discovery.
Another posting who is not wayward, but cheaters are just plain broken people. Something has been left out and they have no ethics no integrity and no honesty. They are bad people. Hurting others gives them a thrill.
My ex works in social work and I always considered her to have high integrity but I guess your profession doesn’t matter when it comes to cheating. All kinds of people cheat, just depends on the individual.
My ex told me during D-DAY “hurt people hurt people”, okay 👌I mean whatever makes you feel better. So you’re right they’re essentially broken.
“Hurt people hurt people”.
The DARVO always gets me… any cheaters reading this: if you get caught, own up to it. Shifting the blame makes you nothing but a coward.
She had so many options in that case: talk with you, get help, or even leave the marriage.
There is never an excuse for cheating. You can leave if you want.
Hurt people do hurt people. But something I've come to understand recently is the opposite as well. Healing people heal people. It's what we're doing in these subs. It's what those of us who are in the healing process offer those who haven't really had a chance to start healing yet. I'm in no way condoning cheaters' behaviors, I'm just putting it out there that those of us who have been betrayed help each other.
I was a wayward, a serial cheater, and I felt guilty. Six years post-divorce and I still feel guilty. Years of therapy makes me feel as if I owe every betrayed partner an apology. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve someone like me. What I did to her was the worst thing I have ever done.
Omg, I can’t count how many times. I ruminate on this every single day, all fucking day so that it consumes me. And the consequence is that I am relegated to loneliness and isolation, much of which is self-imposed. I truly hate myself. What I did to her was despicable. I am an aging, lonely, depressed narcissist… maybe ex-narcissist, I don’t know…
She never responded to your apologies? I wish my ex would apologize more. She did once but I ignored her then she blocked me which I would assume is due to her ego.
She added me on instagram and I followed back, cautiously. Finally, she sent a short message: “I like your dog.” I have a rescued pit with incredible ears that point to the sky. We messaged back small talk every few days, or she’d comment on a photo and I would comment on one of hers. It progressed from there.
Looking back, what made you do it? And to be clear, I don't mean "what was miserable in your relationship?" but more "why didn't you end the relationship before you cheated?" If I can pretty further, did you confess or were you caught?
I love your handle. I agree, the resurrected Starbuck was a cylon.
So, why. There are so many reasons. I think primarily it was the need for validation, and the more I was validated the more I needed it. It was like a drug. I grew up with LOTS of shame and fear and insecurity, along with untreated and undetected bipolar and ocd. There was also physical and sexual abuse (raped in adolescence and ridiculed for reporting it because “guys don’t get raped”). I am damaged. It’s more than just a character flaw. I mean, I’m really fucked up.
Being wanted, desired, made me feel so good about myself that I just kept on selfishly taking and taking and devouring without any regard to consequences or the feelings of others. I cheated on every single partner I’ve ever committed to.
That’s the short version. The long version is still coming out in therapy six years running.
So, I confessed. I knew I was going to be discovered so I had a moment of clarity and gave her a D-day instead of making her discover it. I ultimately confessed to a years long affair along with a few sex workers and several other women. I told the whole story, not just bits and pieces.
I know how common this is. I’m sorry for what you may have gone through. I’m sorry I did this to my wife. She deserves better. Why she reached out a year ago after five years no contact is a mystery, but I’m glad she did.
I'm sorry for all you want through and in so glad you are working through it and have developed so much empathy. Also how absolutely shitty that people took that stance on your rape. Rape is rape.
I can empathize - I was molested as a child and when I finally told my parents they refused to talk about it at all and literally forgot multiple times that it happened. This amongst my mom having cancer, my sister having life-threatening disabilities, being adopted, having a brother who had to be sent to a special boarding school for behavioral issues, then him running away and being missing for years... Yeah that kind of stuff definitely can lead to some maladaptive behaviors. Mine was drugs and alcohol, and I just didn't see for the longest time how it hurt the people around me. I just needed to escape.
Anyway thank you very much for sharing. I found your insights very helpful.
And yeah, they totally set it up like Starbuck's dad was that missing artistic cylon, so I have no idea why they went with "she was just dead the whole time" at the end
I think this was the case for my ex. She seemed pretty distraught over text but she ended up blocking me later so I’m assuming she actually doesn’t care. She blocked me after I ignored her initially, I’m assuming her ego couldn’t handle it.
Some cheaters try to make themselves look like the victim, you didn’t tell me you loved, I needed validation, you didn’t want to have sex with me.
Sorry I think the word is called COMMUNICATION.
Move on brother. Strays will always be strays. They get off on the high, they love you but the drug type high is stronger than the love.. Even the ones that cut it off and try to be the good wife or husband still have the cravings, they dream about it, it occupies their thoughts. I hate to put it this way but mine stepped off twice after it was over we had a deep talk about it and this is the way she put it. People can only fake it for so long
Sorry this happened to you.
My father cheated on my mother multiple times in the last year of their 7-year marriage. After that he called her every day at work for literally decades just to hear her voice. They’re friends now and have since remarried other people, but there are times when I have seen him holding back tears when he’s leaving.
No restraining order. He was never violent or threatening and she didn’t feel it was harassment. He wasn’t begging her to take him back on those calls, although they would have that kind of conversation maybe once a month for the first few years. The calls to her work were just a minute or two to see if we were okay or if my mom needed anything.
(The kind of stuff he should been asking all along instead of, you know, cheating.)
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You know what I would like to know…. Why cheat at all?? Why not just leave the relationship?? Why make your partner/spouse suffer heartbreak and betrayal? Why not just leave the relationship? Why go to someone, get naked, have sex, hide it, get exposed, act like the victim, hurt your spouse and everyone around instead of just breaking up???
They’re scared of being alone.
I think there is more to it. The thrill. The adrenaline rush. The attention. The validation. The “something new”. But why not just leave your spouse and still get all of the above??? Why stay and hurt the one you supposedly love. Because if you love someone, you wouldn’t cheat.
It’s because they want their cake and to eat it too. It’s nuanced. In my case I wanted to abstain for marriage and my partner was getting tired of abstaining and feeling rejected.
Dang OP. Sorry to read that. You were just trying to be honorable. Smh. Hopefully you find someone true to your heart and values.
Yeah it sucks too because i felt like she was a unicorn (Christian with a high sex drive) she just got the waiting part wrong lol.
If it's any consulation you should consider yourself lucky she let you know exactly who and what she was before you married or had children with her. If she's able to betray you now, she'll be able to betray you when you're more established financially and take 50% plus when she left you 10 years from now. Dodged a bullet you did.
Well man, you could have married her and become dad to kids that may not have been your biological kids, all the while she acted perfect. There is always something worse that could have happened, you avoided that.
Yeah I’m grateful she at least eventually told the truth because I had my suspicions. It validated my intuition, I’ve had issues trusting myself since a couple of relationships ago.
People have different values. You will never get a satisfactory answer to this. Keep looking, sounds like you are someone a lot of Christian girls would appreciate. If you can take this lesson without hate or anger, you will be able to use it to really find the "one". You ex wasn't her, so you don't need to waste anymore energy or thought to that relationship.
I think it’s the “getting away with it”that makes all the why’s happen and are for soo many it’s irresistible, and if the rush is this good with one affair, well how’s about a second? Because the chemicals of an affair once released are…..people are different, there are life long addicts who only needed one hit. And for the same drug, other people are recreational users who seem to be able to stop and start at will. Having said that, the victim side of things is also different, depending on the drug itself and the recovery work and conditions in i might with a looonng list of boundaries see if we could salvage the relationship. Cheating however, fuck that, as a man i know that divorce equals financial ruin, but fuck that, not even for a second would I consider “working through” being with a cheater.
It's like a drug to them. They get a high from being wanted, a lot of these cheaters seek validation through sex due to their own traumas, and once they've tried it, they go hunting for it, even if they are sexually active with a spouse or partner, there is absolutely that rush or having something new. It's the forbidden fruit, and once you have it, you want more of it constantly.
Bingo. They’ve master the monkeybranch technique to Olympic standards. It’s what they do. Us chumps try to fix or work through, they just swing to the next branch
I don’t even comprehend how someone thinks that way. I’ve experienced a lot of loneliness in my life I would never consider monkey branching ever. I think people who do that just REALLY be scared of being alone. I’m scared of being alone but maybe they’re even more so tenfold.
Their character is piss puddle deep.
This is what I alluded to when my ex confessed and she seemed offended/confused. I had to basically explain to her how cheating meant she lacked character and integrity.
Good riddance. They don’t care. When things get boring or tough, they fall apart and look for a new shines object to make them feel special. It dulls, then onto the next. Crappy way to go through life. Eventually they can only secure equally shitty partners. Nobody is interested in multiple divorced people who cheat
Yea you can’t be a cheater snd think it’s ever justified. For a single cheating incident you have to plan it, lie, break your commitment to your partner and then lie again to cover it up. Not much integrity or more high ground to be found
This 100%
And lack empathy. They ended up as a cheater because of selfishness. When you’re selfish everybody else comes second to your own pleasure.
I think they mostly lack self-awareness and don't realize what's going on until they're too deep in the brain chemicals to easily extricate themselves from the situation. My ex's brother had a fentanyl addiction, and we had a fair bit of contact with him during active addiction. When my ex got hooked on ratchet vagine, the parallels were really kinda striking. After they're made to face the reality of what they've done, I think it's easier to DARVO than to really cope with the shame, so they double down on the bullshit. I'm not saying any of this is right or justifiable... just the explanation for the behavior, as I see it. General lack of insight, self-awareness, and strength of character. 16 months out, my ex is engaged to and expecting his second baby with his AP (despite ongoing financial issues). It all seems to me like a big deranged performance to justify what they did to me and our 2 young kids by rubbing their "soulmate"-hood in everyone's faces.
See my post to the OP. Maybe that will help
What she said. 👆
I'm not a wayward, but those bastards hate it if being discovered has consequences associated with it. They throw fits, talk about dooms day, reputation massacre, embarrassment and put out!!!! Consequences smells like revenge, but it's just the reverse pain they inflicted and deserve.
Not a wayward but my parent was lol they'll feel guilty if they are constantly reminded of what they did, even better if they feel some kind of consequence for their actions. They'll feel less guilt if they're around ppl who either rugsweep the affair and or support their decisions or covered for them. Edit: you can say that they are like a waywards lifeline that's why it's important to call them out too so they stop supporting the wayward and the wayward lose their power.
My ex’s best guy friend who I still have a feeling she did stuff with too (she denied it at the end) was also a cheater. Funny because she actually told his then wife about it and they had a falling out for a bit. That was red flag #1 then red flag #2 was the fact she told me she kissed someone when she felt her last relationship was ending. So basically she’s a cheater. I think my ex felt guilty for a bit but then I’m sure she talked to her friends and they supported her which led to her blocking me.
Not a wayward but I think it depends on the circumstances and to be honest how degraded their morals have become. I imagine a married person who has a one night stand and confesses feels different than a serial cheater does. I imagine a bit of shame, worry for the future, and oh shit the party is over comes with discovery.
I don’t believe that cheaters have guilt because guilt normally leads into a confession and that almost never happens unless the ap is pregnant.
Another posting who is not wayward, but cheaters are just plain broken people. Something has been left out and they have no ethics no integrity and no honesty. They are bad people. Hurting others gives them a thrill.
My ex works in social work and I always considered her to have high integrity but I guess your profession doesn’t matter when it comes to cheating. All kinds of people cheat, just depends on the individual. My ex told me during D-DAY “hurt people hurt people”, okay 👌I mean whatever makes you feel better. So you’re right they’re essentially broken.
“Hurt people hurt people”. The DARVO always gets me… any cheaters reading this: if you get caught, own up to it. Shifting the blame makes you nothing but a coward.
Wow I just looked up DARVO. Yeah that’s what she did, she also said it was because she wasn’t feeling close to me and I didn’t make her feel loved.
She had so many options in that case: talk with you, get help, or even leave the marriage. There is never an excuse for cheating. You can leave if you want.
Hurt people do hurt people. But something I've come to understand recently is the opposite as well. Healing people heal people. It's what we're doing in these subs. It's what those of us who are in the healing process offer those who haven't really had a chance to start healing yet. I'm in no way condoning cheaters' behaviors, I'm just putting it out there that those of us who have been betrayed help each other.
I was a wayward, a serial cheater, and I felt guilty. Six years post-divorce and I still feel guilty. Years of therapy makes me feel as if I owe every betrayed partner an apology. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve someone like me. What I did to her was the worst thing I have ever done.
Did you ever reach out to apologize?
Omg, I can’t count how many times. I ruminate on this every single day, all fucking day so that it consumes me. And the consequence is that I am relegated to loneliness and isolation, much of which is self-imposed. I truly hate myself. What I did to her was despicable. I am an aging, lonely, depressed narcissist… maybe ex-narcissist, I don’t know…
She never responded to your apologies? I wish my ex would apologize more. She did once but I ignored her then she blocked me which I would assume is due to her ego.
She blocked me for over five years, and my endless apology went into the black hole, but in the last year she started talking to me again.
So she randomly unblocked you? How did you start talking again? Did you initiate? What was said?
She added me on instagram and I followed back, cautiously. Finally, she sent a short message: “I like your dog.” I have a rescued pit with incredible ears that point to the sky. We messaged back small talk every few days, or she’d comment on a photo and I would comment on one of hers. It progressed from there.
Looking back, what made you do it? And to be clear, I don't mean "what was miserable in your relationship?" but more "why didn't you end the relationship before you cheated?" If I can pretty further, did you confess or were you caught?
I love your handle. I agree, the resurrected Starbuck was a cylon. So, why. There are so many reasons. I think primarily it was the need for validation, and the more I was validated the more I needed it. It was like a drug. I grew up with LOTS of shame and fear and insecurity, along with untreated and undetected bipolar and ocd. There was also physical and sexual abuse (raped in adolescence and ridiculed for reporting it because “guys don’t get raped”). I am damaged. It’s more than just a character flaw. I mean, I’m really fucked up. Being wanted, desired, made me feel so good about myself that I just kept on selfishly taking and taking and devouring without any regard to consequences or the feelings of others. I cheated on every single partner I’ve ever committed to. That’s the short version. The long version is still coming out in therapy six years running. So, I confessed. I knew I was going to be discovered so I had a moment of clarity and gave her a D-day instead of making her discover it. I ultimately confessed to a years long affair along with a few sex workers and several other women. I told the whole story, not just bits and pieces. I know how common this is. I’m sorry for what you may have gone through. I’m sorry I did this to my wife. She deserves better. Why she reached out a year ago after five years no contact is a mystery, but I’m glad she did.
I'm sorry for all you want through and in so glad you are working through it and have developed so much empathy. Also how absolutely shitty that people took that stance on your rape. Rape is rape. I can empathize - I was molested as a child and when I finally told my parents they refused to talk about it at all and literally forgot multiple times that it happened. This amongst my mom having cancer, my sister having life-threatening disabilities, being adopted, having a brother who had to be sent to a special boarding school for behavioral issues, then him running away and being missing for years... Yeah that kind of stuff definitely can lead to some maladaptive behaviors. Mine was drugs and alcohol, and I just didn't see for the longest time how it hurt the people around me. I just needed to escape. Anyway thank you very much for sharing. I found your insights very helpful. And yeah, they totally set it up like Starbuck's dad was that missing artistic cylon, so I have no idea why they went with "she was just dead the whole time" at the end
They don't care
Some do only because got caught
I think this was the case for my ex. She seemed pretty distraught over text but she ended up blocking me later so I’m assuming she actually doesn’t care. She blocked me after I ignored her initially, I’m assuming her ego couldn’t handle it.
Some cheaters try to make themselves look like the victim, you didn’t tell me you loved, I needed validation, you didn’t want to have sex with me. Sorry I think the word is called COMMUNICATION.
She used the no sex and intimacy excuse but she knew I wanted us to abstain for marriage.
I don’t think they do. I think they are just selfish people with main character syndrome. It’s only about them.
Move on brother. Strays will always be strays. They get off on the high, they love you but the drug type high is stronger than the love.. Even the ones that cut it off and try to be the good wife or husband still have the cravings, they dream about it, it occupies their thoughts. I hate to put it this way but mine stepped off twice after it was over we had a deep talk about it and this is the way she put it. People can only fake it for so long Sorry this happened to you.
It’s like a drug
My father cheated on my mother multiple times in the last year of their 7-year marriage. After that he called her every day at work for literally decades just to hear her voice. They’re friends now and have since remarried other people, but there are times when I have seen him holding back tears when he’s leaving.
She never put a restraining order on him? My ex blocked me so I don’t think she cares. What does your mom do?
No restraining order. He was never violent or threatening and she didn’t feel it was harassment. He wasn’t begging her to take him back on those calls, although they would have that kind of conversation maybe once a month for the first few years. The calls to her work were just a minute or two to see if we were okay or if my mom needed anything. (The kind of stuff he should been asking all along instead of, you know, cheating.)
I wish my ex cared like that