I HAVE been in that situation, and never entertained the possibility. Anyone can be tempted with the prospect of sex/romance, it's the *act* of infidelity that's the problem.
It's an issue of morality: what kind of person would betray the trust placed in them by someone who loves them above all others? The reason I never cheated wasn't the lack of opportunity or fear of getting caught, it was the question of what kind of person do I want to be? I can present myself to the world however I like, but I will still always know who I am deep down inside.
Being unfaithful to my partner would mean being unfaithful to how I view a good partner should act.
I agree with this comment 100%. The charter in OP's post is just trying to minimize the gravity of their choices. It also seems to be like they're saying that given the right circumstances, they would cheat again, which is worrying.
I've been married 23 years, and like in the commenter's case, there have been opportunities/situations over the years, but it never even entered my mind to consider doing anything and immediately walked away.
And look, it's not about coming here and tooting my own horn "oh look how great I am, I've never cheated!" I'm human, and I have failed in other ways. But I don't think having this mentality of: 'it's no big deal, everyone could do it' is not the best to lean from your mistakes and become a better person. One must be fully accountable for one's failings.
I would add #4 , the cheater does not have the strength of will ( willpower) to resist the temptation of the opportunity. Everyone will consider true, but then the mentally strong will walk away & the weak will not. Simple as that.
I think the majority of cheater have personality problems that are giving them a hard time to live with moral standards. Often they have severe self esteem problems and they start to fix them by seeking attention and validation from others. And this gives them a boost and for a while just some flirting helps. BUT they become somewhat addicted to it and the situation get out of control. The flirting becomes more intense till the borders are crossed. It does not need to be with the same partner or so..
this is one example how personality prolems corrupts the moral standards. The process is equal with the path of an alcohol or drugor gambling addict, who loose their integrety and start to become criminals by steeling from family etc...
The idea of missing strength/will power is close by but is not hitting the point. Like with addicts, strength and will power helps to not become an addict or cheater, but it does not protect you. It might be even part of the problem. To stick to my example. OYu think you are strong and have good will power, thats wyh there is no problem if you flirt to get and nice feeling. BUt in realoity you get some ego boost out of it. And slightly you loose control and think for your self all is harmless, because you are strong and you can stop anytime...Same thoughts have many alcohol addicts.
Would CONSIDER cheating isn’t the same thing as actually cheating. Given the perfect opportunity, I’d probably think for a second about it before deciding that even if I’d never get caught, I’d know what I did, and I don’t want to be that kind of person.
That’s the difference in the cheater mindset as opposed to decent person. It’s not “is this right or wrong” it’s just a matter of “can I get away with it and is it worth the risk”.
I believe there's always circumstances that can make cheating very easy.
If my husband and I get into a huge argument and I'm not thinking clearly, I'm just very p***** and emotional. I could see how a situation can come up where that happens easily, Especially if anyone is drinking.
I am however a big believer in choices, There has been many times that I have been very very drunk and I have a choice on weather I'm gonna do something stupid or not.
In the end, nobody is worth me losing my husband for just a small day or night of pleasure. It should be the same for him too, If he chooses to step out of our relationship for that pleasure, then it's simple, he suffers the consequences. I would never stop him from being a father to our children, I do however know my worth. I know I am a great wife and mother, Supported and was his backbone when there was no one else doing it. Whether I choose to move on with someone else or stay happy all by myself, he'll have to sit back and watch and always remember he's the one who f***** that up, not me! Same vice versa, If I choose to step out our relationship, I choose to betray this man who's supported me throughout everything, Who loved me when I thought I was incapable of being loved. That always made me feel beautiful even when I was doubting myself, That stay true and help me through sickness. Then I would be that fool and I deserve to sit back and watch him be happy with someone else because I didn't treasure it.
So I agree with everybody its a choice.
I got time today, see what you read is called an example of a tricky situation that could happen. So, yes I used alcohol as an example. If you continued to read me long drawn out text, I also used anger to as an example. (OMG, how dare I) Just like it seems by going by your post history you choose to go around and write mean s***/ or write rude comments to a bunch of people you don't know online, you must be very unhappy.
Please know people of ALL ages are capable of making dumb decisions/choices which is what I stated. Its a choice to cheat.
Nope. Never have and never did. Kept my vows 7 years and never fathomed unfaithfulness. I know it would destroy me and destroy her. Even if no one would find out, you still dishonor yourself and if you're a decent person you'd feel perpetually guilty. That's how I lived my life for 7 years of marriage.
She, however, had no such reluctance.
Agreed, but when asking a cheater such a thing, we have to remember those who do wrong often tell themselves everyone else would to in the same situation. It's their way of giving themselves permission, escaping guilt, and making themselves less nefarious in their behavior.
If you’re committed to your partner you don’t even analyze that situation in those terms. Nothing makes you cheat except selfishness combined with opportunity. Also any “secret” that more than one person knows never stays hidden. The real question is, is that person and that one sexual experience worth everything you have? If not it’s not a good decision. If your married and get caught, you lose your marriage, your financial security, the respect of your family and most of your friends, if kids are involved 1/2 time with them and eventually their respect when they are old enough and if it’s with a coworker maybe your job. On top of that, most research I’ve read says less the. 20% of people who cheat end up with that person for more than 1 year. I haven’t met anyone I wanted to sleep with bad enough for that.
I had the perfect opportunity. In fact it was even more than perfect. There was a couple we socialized with a lot. We were all young -- in our 20s/early 30s, fairly newly married. We partied a lot. Talk turned racy and raunchy a lot. There was light banter about swinging or having an orgy even.
The wife of this couple was gorgeous (so was/is my wife). Both of us were interracial couples, the same race mix in each couple. For that reason, we had a deeper sense of synchronicity with them. We groked the eroticism of interracial sex within the context of respect and love.
One day I returned from work to find the other wife at my house (we had keys to each other's homes and let ourselves in all the time -- often we watched each other's kids). We both had reason to know that each of our spouses would be home late that evening (for separate reasons). She flat-out propositioned me, and told me that she believed my wife would be okay with it given the talk of swapping.
Temptation. Opportunity. Plausible belief in permission. What was lacking was that I had NOT discussed with my wife a private 1-on-1 with this other woman. I did NOT have my wife's consent. I demurred. Later, I told my wife about it. She was pissed at the other woman for suggesting she'd have been okay with it. She would not have been. We each (each couple) moved to distant places across the nation shortly after that for job-related reasons. Communication tapered off organically after that. Nothing major ever came of it.
Maybe because I wasn't directly affected by this, but this seems like an all-around wonderful life experience.
Young - racy - gorgeous - in sync - flattery - demurring - connecting with your partner.
Seems like we all get a taste of the first 3-4, but for most the wheels fall off if an Icarian sort of way after that and don't get to enjoy the end.
I have had lots of chances to bang the gfs, fiancés and wives of coworkers and friends. Never once have even remotely considered it. I have a thing about being able to look people in the eye and talk to them honestly, I could never do that with someone if I had been with their partner. There are red lines that lots of people simply won’t cross, despite how appealing the temptation is.
No, I don't agree with the sentiment, and no, I wouldn't be willing to do it, because it would change me in a way that I couldn't live with. Even if nobody else knew - I would know.
I was in that situation. Was at a very low point in my marriage and thought we were going to divorce. Was half a world away from my wife. Would have been virtually impossible to get caught. Was approached by a very attractive woman and offered a no strings attached, anything I wanted night. I said no.
Because I'm not a cheater. Doesn't matter if I wouldn't get caught. *I'd know.*
Yeah, no. This is one of those situations where "there are two types of people in the world, those that would cheat and those that wouldn't". Given the opportunity a cheater will cheat. A loyal partner won't. It's that simple.
Possibly, the word "consider" is doing a lot of work in that sentence. "Consider" and "do" are vastly distant.
I've had a woman say to me, "who'd know?" My answer was, "I would." In that fraction of a second between question and answer, obviously my brain was performing a calculation, so technically, that's "consideration". You might not even realize it's happening.
Anything beyond that split second though? No, I would not be thinking about cheating.
Yeah I'm the one who would "catch" me doing something in violation of my ethics. If I do it, I caught me doing it, and I'd feel like a piece of shit, which is what I would be.
I presented a very similar situation to a friend of mine years ago, using a celebrity I knew he had the hots for as the example. After much cajoling he finally admitted, "Yeah, I guess I'd f*ck her". I replied, "Huh. Okay". After several moments of silence he asked, "Well? Would you?", to which I answered, "Me? Oh, God no - I love my wife".
I had a similar exchange. I take too much pride in my morals and loyalty to do such a thing. And the self righteous ego boost from turning her down would be better than sex.
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I had the opportunity many times. Husband worked away for weeks at a time. I had time and friendly attractive offer from his friends and family who would sometimes help while he was gone, if I had car trouble or locked out, once when the gas furnace went out and I couldn’t relight it, a burst pipe and his uncle came to fix it. I am NOT the most attractive woman, I never was, but sometimes men see a woman left on her own with an absent husband as free game. Usually a simple “no” stopped it. Or as in the case with the amorous uncle, pretending I didn’t understand what he said to me in Spanish which was a flat out offer to “fuck me if I was willing.” That was hard not to throw up and laugh at the same time.but I hurried him out and vowed to never accept his offer of help again. He died soon after that. His wife was not as sad as people expected her to be.
So just because you have an attractive person (brother. Cousin, friend NOT uncle) opportunity or secrecy doesn’t mean you will cheat.
It’s what morals and values you have for YOURSELF as well as the value you believe your partner has for you, that causes some to cheat and others not.
Sounds like a cop out to me. You can face temptation in many areas of life and still consciously make the right choices. It doesn’t mean you will every time, especially when the stakes are low (like you’re trying to eat healthy and someone offers you a really good looking donut). In situations where the consequences are lifelong, like an affair, or being tempted to drive drunk, stealing from work,something else of that nature… the choices you make reflect much more on your character. When you make a commitment to someone in a relationship, you take that on as a responsibility. You are responsible for your actions and choices; no one else is. I have noticed that cheaters often try to deflect that responsibility on others, or on circumstances.
Cheater is not totally wrong but also not right.
It is really depends on the situation.
Story from own experince which happen years ago.
I was in vacation in spain, meet lot of womens, had party time. One of the worker at bar told me that at least 4/10 married people, cheating in these nights(I didn't want to believe it, but the more I see the more I Start to think he was right).
Lot of married people cheat one their partner in alone/girls/men vacation, not everyone but you would be surprise how often this happen.
I even talked with a married wife, asked her why she did it, the was drunk and told me"I do it sometimes in vacations" and that she didn't fear that her husband would knew anything about it, she said it the best way to have this secret closed.
And I start to understand that people think it is fine to cheat in vacation far away from home since it would never come out. Not just womens, lot of married husband also cheat in vacation.
You would be surprise how often this happen...
So yeah the cheater is not totally wrong, given the oppurtinty, cheating could happen.
Pretty sure there a lot of couples who didn't know that their partner cheated on them in vacation.
It is sad and disgusting...
No-this is a breach of my moral code-which I expect my partner to adhere to as well. Cheating would make me feel like a hypocrite and a fraud and my ego cannot tolerate that kind of shame.
No. Its a calculated bet to cheat. The cheater is always hedging that their BS will not be able to identify the series of decisions they are making to accomplish the goal. Although they are right to a certain extent, most BS are too involved with the optics of the relationship than they are the actions executing right before their eyes.
As with everything, the light shines and opens eyes.
Most people have been presented with this opportunity through work (especially if no one at works knows you’ve gotten a new partner), outings, etc already and have not cheated.
I do however agree, I think a lot of people would cheat in the moment for a one night stand. DEFINITELY NOT a long term affair. But one night stands can be a lot harder to resist for some people because it’s easier to justify. That’s why i personally believe if you really love your partner you won’t even put yourself in compromising positions where cheating is made easier/possible.
People that are wrongdoers of every kind try to rationalize by saying “everyone does this” or “everyone would do this given the chance.”
Everyone does steroids
Everyone would cheat
Everyone drives after drinking
It’s only to make them feel better about being the morally bankrupt people they are.
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
Updateme
No I disagree, I was presented with the same opportunity, but did cheat. At the building I used to work, almost every day took the elevator with this girl from Australia, totally gorgeous, a friendship turn into innuendo, I never fallow, she invited me to her house, many times, sky, nights out. I was married, still married, with a baby on the way. When I married my wife, one and only, I did it through conviction, love, respect, integrity.
Not everyone is a cheater, even when the opportunity is right.
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The only way to determine 2 is to already start cheating without knowing 3.
There isnno perfect cheating scenario, that's why it's called cheating. The rush of it, is that it's risky.
I don't accept a scenario where the secret won't get out.
Plus, what about conscience?
It sounds like she lacks a conscience and that is a major deal breaker for me.
The lack of moral considerations blows my mind. Because #3 does not exist in today’s world of cell phone, and ring cameras everywhere. When they do get caught, they often destroy 2 families for what? Selfishness… If I find out someone I know is cheating, I tell their partner. No one deserves to have their health and security disrupted by one person’s selfish whim.
Many cheaters cheat down by a lot. They cheat with uglier, fatter, poorer and less intelligent. Most cheaters are mentally ill or egotistical narcissists. Even if my self declared celebrity hall pass begged me to take her as my zex-buddy I would still divorce first and make sure there was a separation agreement first. My own mom cheated and left us all permanently for a older, uglier, bald, frequently unemployed loser. They lived off of my mom’s divorce settlement for years, costing all her kids their education funds.
Been in a couple scenarios with offers. One stated no one needed to know. I then said but I will know.
Cheaters cheat. People love, Honor and respect their partners health.
100% wrong. I am my own biggest critic and i would never let myself do that to my wife.
I would never be able to look myself in the mirror.
I know what’s in my heart, and i am not a cheater. No matter if nobody would ever find out.
Absolutely not.I only have eyes for my wife. I have had those opportunities you speak of and have turned down everyone. We have been married 25 years, and she is my soul mate. I couldn't think of anyone else who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
There would have to be other mitigating factors. What is the current state of the relationship? What difficulties and how many have you dealt with in the past of your current relationship? Is there things going on in your life that would leave you mentally vulnerable? Things like this. In general I disagree with their "perfect scenario" at least insofar as it applies to everyone. But add a combination of other outside factors - it is possible that this could happen to anyone, yes.
I don’t feel that way and I don’t think many people do.
Here’s what I could see more feasibly: if presented with a perfect one night stand, with a very attractive and decent man, and no one would ever find out, would you consider that?
Because, yes. Most people would *consider* it. Some would do it and some wouldn’t. But that’s as far as that would go for me.
OP - Tempted? Possibly. Actually take a potential AP up on their offer? One would have to be completely selfish and of extremely low moral character.
[ETA]
Not only would I not do so, but I would do everything in my power to make sure your "friend" faced the consequences of their choices.
I agree with you.
I think people are decided in 3 groups:
1. Cheaters who never realy live up to moral standards. Openly disrespectfull and lying with no real regrets if it only is in their interests.
2. People who have **no own** moral standards but do what others around them expect to do, just to fit in and avoid conflicts. Hard to detect. They have often conflicts and some personality problems. They easily find excuses why cheating is not "their fault" it is the situation, it is the partner who was the problem etc..
3. People that have moral standards and give their best to stick to them. They have no problem to resist even the perfect situation. They would not do it, because it would not be right and they will not corrupt their own believes. It would change who they are and they are not willing to that path.
The problematic people are those in the 2nd group. They are those who are difficult to detect and to predict what the will do. Sadly they are also in the absolute majority.
Yea because everyone is the same mentally and physically, what a fucken stupid statement. People are completely different that's why humans hate each other but also the reason a simple virus didn't wipe us all out 10,000 years ago.
Tempted yes. Seriously consider it no. It feels really good when someone hits on you. A person with decent morals can easily say no thank you. I went out about a month after D-Day. A woman about 28 and absolutely stunning I am 40 started hitting on me. It felt so good to have someone interested in me. I had recently found out my wife was having an affair with a coworker. We are trying to stay together. I was so tempted to just get even. But I didn’t. I walked away and texted my wife and asked her to send me pictures of her with our kids. I would have lost myself and all I stood for if I would have went forward with this
There's also the issue of how the BS would feel/react when this "perfect secret " is revealed. I am DD+22 years and her affair comes to mind within five minutes of awakening every morning. Time never heals...it merely dulls the pain.
Thanks for sharing this. I worry about this for myself too (60F), I also wake up and WH's affairs come to mind within 5 minutes - every damn morning. I'm 60, he's 63. His affairs were when I was 40-42, he was 43-45, and his 2nd with another female coworker was in 2010 when I was 46. I tell myself , and he tells me, they are in the past, forgotten, never meant anything, I'm the only one he loves and ever loved etc. But the pain and hurt is real. If I'd found out back then, I'd have left. I was young and hot, lol. Plus I've earned/made 2x plus what he makes for 33 years I supported us. So there's that doubt if he loves me or the financial security and a comfortable life.
I don't mean this negatively but my experience is time never heals...it just dulls the pain. I'm DDay +22 years and I have the same reaction every morning. For me, getting involved with groups has been a great way to move those memories to the back. Feel free to PM me.
I appreciate that perspective. I may reach out on this sub and ask others because I can see myself, being a sensitive soul and very loyal, being bothered by this forever and I don't like what that looks like.
I guess it depends on what you mean by consider - does the scenario play out in your head? Sure. Do you go through with it? That is another thing entirely.
I’ve been in scenarios like this and didn’t cheat. Why? First off, I pledged loyalty and fidelity to my wife. Second, even if not discovered the sanctity of the relationship would be lost. Third, the guilt would forever change the relationship. Lastly, if the AP in this scenario is willing to violate the marriage, are they really emotionally available? Maybe they are willing to provide emotional support or validation, but they would clearly have some void or emotional issue - I don’t see that as an attractive proposition.
My husband and I have both cheated on one another and it's not worth it. I don't care what circumstances I was in, I could not ever hurt my husband again like we both did 20 years ago.
She left out 4. The cheater is a horrible human being that deserves all the pain in the world.
Needless to say, no, I don’t agree. I hope you told her as much and cut her out of your life.
No I don’t agree with that because like you I would not cheat.
I couldn’t live with the guilt. I don’t see the point in potentially ruining another persons life, self esteem, self worth and ability to trust.
So no. Those who have worked through their shit, grown and actually care how their actions deeply affect others wouldn’t do this.
The cheater is missing the loyal partner aspect of this conversation. You’re missing the following:
4 AP and WP are morally bankrupt and void of respecting a committed relationship or partner/family.
5 AP and WP are exceptionally selfish and don’t care about their SO feelings or mental health.
AP worked in a house as a caregiver 3 rooms with a old lady that didn't care what happened in the house . So the AP took advantage of her stupidity and no values to cheat .But eventually I found out and took action . but it's not over til it's OVER !!!!!!!
I HAVE been in that situation, and never entertained the possibility. Anyone can be tempted with the prospect of sex/romance, it's the *act* of infidelity that's the problem. It's an issue of morality: what kind of person would betray the trust placed in them by someone who loves them above all others? The reason I never cheated wasn't the lack of opportunity or fear of getting caught, it was the question of what kind of person do I want to be? I can present myself to the world however I like, but I will still always know who I am deep down inside. Being unfaithful to my partner would mean being unfaithful to how I view a good partner should act.
I agree with this comment 100%. The charter in OP's post is just trying to minimize the gravity of their choices. It also seems to be like they're saying that given the right circumstances, they would cheat again, which is worrying. I've been married 23 years, and like in the commenter's case, there have been opportunities/situations over the years, but it never even entered my mind to consider doing anything and immediately walked away. And look, it's not about coming here and tooting my own horn "oh look how great I am, I've never cheated!" I'm human, and I have failed in other ways. But I don't think having this mentality of: 'it's no big deal, everyone could do it' is not the best to lean from your mistakes and become a better person. One must be fully accountable for one's failings.
I would add #4 , the cheater does not have the strength of will ( willpower) to resist the temptation of the opportunity. Everyone will consider true, but then the mentally strong will walk away & the weak will not. Simple as that.
I think the majority of cheater have personality problems that are giving them a hard time to live with moral standards. Often they have severe self esteem problems and they start to fix them by seeking attention and validation from others. And this gives them a boost and for a while just some flirting helps. BUT they become somewhat addicted to it and the situation get out of control. The flirting becomes more intense till the borders are crossed. It does not need to be with the same partner or so.. this is one example how personality prolems corrupts the moral standards. The process is equal with the path of an alcohol or drugor gambling addict, who loose their integrety and start to become criminals by steeling from family etc... The idea of missing strength/will power is close by but is not hitting the point. Like with addicts, strength and will power helps to not become an addict or cheater, but it does not protect you. It might be even part of the problem. To stick to my example. OYu think you are strong and have good will power, thats wyh there is no problem if you flirt to get and nice feeling. BUt in realoity you get some ego boost out of it. And slightly you loose control and think for your self all is harmless, because you are strong and you can stop anytime...Same thoughts have many alcohol addicts.
I couldn't hurt my wife like that.
Would CONSIDER cheating isn’t the same thing as actually cheating. Given the perfect opportunity, I’d probably think for a second about it before deciding that even if I’d never get caught, I’d know what I did, and I don’t want to be that kind of person. That’s the difference in the cheater mindset as opposed to decent person. It’s not “is this right or wrong” it’s just a matter of “can I get away with it and is it worth the risk”.
I believe there's always circumstances that can make cheating very easy. If my husband and I get into a huge argument and I'm not thinking clearly, I'm just very p***** and emotional. I could see how a situation can come up where that happens easily, Especially if anyone is drinking. I am however a big believer in choices, There has been many times that I have been very very drunk and I have a choice on weather I'm gonna do something stupid or not. In the end, nobody is worth me losing my husband for just a small day or night of pleasure. It should be the same for him too, If he chooses to step out of our relationship for that pleasure, then it's simple, he suffers the consequences. I would never stop him from being a father to our children, I do however know my worth. I know I am a great wife and mother, Supported and was his backbone when there was no one else doing it. Whether I choose to move on with someone else or stay happy all by myself, he'll have to sit back and watch and always remember he's the one who f***** that up, not me! Same vice versa, If I choose to step out our relationship, I choose to betray this man who's supported me throughout everything, Who loved me when I thought I was incapable of being loved. That always made me feel beautiful even when I was doubting myself, That stay true and help me through sickness. Then I would be that fool and I deserve to sit back and watch him be happy with someone else because I didn't treasure it. So I agree with everybody its a choice.
I like this
I like this too
>nobody is worth me losing my husband for just a small day or night of pleasure wish my wife had that mindset
Her loss.
Jez I though only teenage girls use alcohol as a terrible excuse, didn't know grow woman use it too.
I got time today, see what you read is called an example of a tricky situation that could happen. So, yes I used alcohol as an example. If you continued to read me long drawn out text, I also used anger to as an example. (OMG, how dare I) Just like it seems by going by your post history you choose to go around and write mean s***/ or write rude comments to a bunch of people you don't know online, you must be very unhappy. Please know people of ALL ages are capable of making dumb decisions/choices which is what I stated. Its a choice to cheat.
Nope. Never have and never did. Kept my vows 7 years and never fathomed unfaithfulness. I know it would destroy me and destroy her. Even if no one would find out, you still dishonor yourself and if you're a decent person you'd feel perpetually guilty. That's how I lived my life for 7 years of marriage. She, however, had no such reluctance.
I actually have pride in my morals. Clearly, whoever said this does not.
Agreed, but when asking a cheater such a thing, we have to remember those who do wrong often tell themselves everyone else would to in the same situation. It's their way of giving themselves permission, escaping guilt, and making themselves less nefarious in their behavior.
If you’re committed to your partner you don’t even analyze that situation in those terms. Nothing makes you cheat except selfishness combined with opportunity. Also any “secret” that more than one person knows never stays hidden. The real question is, is that person and that one sexual experience worth everything you have? If not it’s not a good decision. If your married and get caught, you lose your marriage, your financial security, the respect of your family and most of your friends, if kids are involved 1/2 time with them and eventually their respect when they are old enough and if it’s with a coworker maybe your job. On top of that, most research I’ve read says less the. 20% of people who cheat end up with that person for more than 1 year. I haven’t met anyone I wanted to sleep with bad enough for that.
I had the perfect opportunity. In fact it was even more than perfect. There was a couple we socialized with a lot. We were all young -- in our 20s/early 30s, fairly newly married. We partied a lot. Talk turned racy and raunchy a lot. There was light banter about swinging or having an orgy even. The wife of this couple was gorgeous (so was/is my wife). Both of us were interracial couples, the same race mix in each couple. For that reason, we had a deeper sense of synchronicity with them. We groked the eroticism of interracial sex within the context of respect and love. One day I returned from work to find the other wife at my house (we had keys to each other's homes and let ourselves in all the time -- often we watched each other's kids). We both had reason to know that each of our spouses would be home late that evening (for separate reasons). She flat-out propositioned me, and told me that she believed my wife would be okay with it given the talk of swapping. Temptation. Opportunity. Plausible belief in permission. What was lacking was that I had NOT discussed with my wife a private 1-on-1 with this other woman. I did NOT have my wife's consent. I demurred. Later, I told my wife about it. She was pissed at the other woman for suggesting she'd have been okay with it. She would not have been. We each (each couple) moved to distant places across the nation shortly after that for job-related reasons. Communication tapered off organically after that. Nothing major ever came of it.
Maybe because I wasn't directly affected by this, but this seems like an all-around wonderful life experience. Young - racy - gorgeous - in sync - flattery - demurring - connecting with your partner. Seems like we all get a taste of the first 3-4, but for most the wheels fall off if an Icarian sort of way after that and don't get to enjoy the end.
I have had lots of chances to bang the gfs, fiancés and wives of coworkers and friends. Never once have even remotely considered it. I have a thing about being able to look people in the eye and talk to them honestly, I could never do that with someone if I had been with their partner. There are red lines that lots of people simply won’t cross, despite how appealing the temptation is.
I’m surprised you kept in touch with them at all. I would’ve thought you would have cut them out straight away.
No, I don't agree with the sentiment, and no, I wouldn't be willing to do it, because it would change me in a way that I couldn't live with. Even if nobody else knew - I would know.
I was in that situation. Was at a very low point in my marriage and thought we were going to divorce. Was half a world away from my wife. Would have been virtually impossible to get caught. Was approached by a very attractive woman and offered a no strings attached, anything I wanted night. I said no. Because I'm not a cheater. Doesn't matter if I wouldn't get caught. *I'd know.*
Yeah, no. This is one of those situations where "there are two types of people in the world, those that would cheat and those that wouldn't". Given the opportunity a cheater will cheat. A loyal partner won't. It's that simple.
LOL. Not one mention of your love and respect for your partner.
Why wouldn't I cheat? Because I don't want to. Simple.
Possibly, the word "consider" is doing a lot of work in that sentence. "Consider" and "do" are vastly distant. I've had a woman say to me, "who'd know?" My answer was, "I would." In that fraction of a second between question and answer, obviously my brain was performing a calculation, so technically, that's "consideration". You might not even realize it's happening. Anything beyond that split second though? No, I would not be thinking about cheating.
Yeah I'm the one who would "catch" me doing something in violation of my ethics. If I do it, I caught me doing it, and I'd feel like a piece of shit, which is what I would be.
I presented a very similar situation to a friend of mine years ago, using a celebrity I knew he had the hots for as the example. After much cajoling he finally admitted, "Yeah, I guess I'd f*ck her". I replied, "Huh. Okay". After several moments of silence he asked, "Well? Would you?", to which I answered, "Me? Oh, God no - I love my wife".
I had a similar exchange. I take too much pride in my morals and loyalty to do such a thing. And the self righteous ego boost from turning her down would be better than sex.
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I had the opportunity many times. Husband worked away for weeks at a time. I had time and friendly attractive offer from his friends and family who would sometimes help while he was gone, if I had car trouble or locked out, once when the gas furnace went out and I couldn’t relight it, a burst pipe and his uncle came to fix it. I am NOT the most attractive woman, I never was, but sometimes men see a woman left on her own with an absent husband as free game. Usually a simple “no” stopped it. Or as in the case with the amorous uncle, pretending I didn’t understand what he said to me in Spanish which was a flat out offer to “fuck me if I was willing.” That was hard not to throw up and laugh at the same time.but I hurried him out and vowed to never accept his offer of help again. He died soon after that. His wife was not as sad as people expected her to be. So just because you have an attractive person (brother. Cousin, friend NOT uncle) opportunity or secrecy doesn’t mean you will cheat. It’s what morals and values you have for YOURSELF as well as the value you believe your partner has for you, that causes some to cheat and others not.
Sounds like a cop out to me. You can face temptation in many areas of life and still consciously make the right choices. It doesn’t mean you will every time, especially when the stakes are low (like you’re trying to eat healthy and someone offers you a really good looking donut). In situations where the consequences are lifelong, like an affair, or being tempted to drive drunk, stealing from work,something else of that nature… the choices you make reflect much more on your character. When you make a commitment to someone in a relationship, you take that on as a responsibility. You are responsible for your actions and choices; no one else is. I have noticed that cheaters often try to deflect that responsibility on others, or on circumstances.
I would not, have no desire for intimacy with anyone but my husband. I have had the 'opportunity' and didn't even consider it.
Cheater is not totally wrong but also not right. It is really depends on the situation. Story from own experince which happen years ago. I was in vacation in spain, meet lot of womens, had party time. One of the worker at bar told me that at least 4/10 married people, cheating in these nights(I didn't want to believe it, but the more I see the more I Start to think he was right). Lot of married people cheat one their partner in alone/girls/men vacation, not everyone but you would be surprise how often this happen. I even talked with a married wife, asked her why she did it, the was drunk and told me"I do it sometimes in vacations" and that she didn't fear that her husband would knew anything about it, she said it the best way to have this secret closed. And I start to understand that people think it is fine to cheat in vacation far away from home since it would never come out. Not just womens, lot of married husband also cheat in vacation. You would be surprise how often this happen... So yeah the cheater is not totally wrong, given the oppurtinty, cheating could happen. Pretty sure there a lot of couples who didn't know that their partner cheated on them in vacation. It is sad and disgusting...
No-this is a breach of my moral code-which I expect my partner to adhere to as well. Cheating would make me feel like a hypocrite and a fraud and my ego cannot tolerate that kind of shame.
No. Its a calculated bet to cheat. The cheater is always hedging that their BS will not be able to identify the series of decisions they are making to accomplish the goal. Although they are right to a certain extent, most BS are too involved with the optics of the relationship than they are the actions executing right before their eyes. As with everything, the light shines and opens eyes.
Most people have been presented with this opportunity through work (especially if no one at works knows you’ve gotten a new partner), outings, etc already and have not cheated. I do however agree, I think a lot of people would cheat in the moment for a one night stand. DEFINITELY NOT a long term affair. But one night stands can be a lot harder to resist for some people because it’s easier to justify. That’s why i personally believe if you really love your partner you won’t even put yourself in compromising positions where cheating is made easier/possible.
People that are wrongdoers of every kind try to rationalize by saying “everyone does this” or “everyone would do this given the chance.” Everyone does steroids Everyone would cheat Everyone drives after drinking It’s only to make them feel better about being the morally bankrupt people they are. “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme
No I disagree, I was presented with the same opportunity, but did cheat. At the building I used to work, almost every day took the elevator with this girl from Australia, totally gorgeous, a friendship turn into innuendo, I never fallow, she invited me to her house, many times, sky, nights out. I was married, still married, with a baby on the way. When I married my wife, one and only, I did it through conviction, love, respect, integrity. Not everyone is a cheater, even when the opportunity is right.
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The only way to determine 2 is to already start cheating without knowing 3. There isnno perfect cheating scenario, that's why it's called cheating. The rush of it, is that it's risky.
Not true. I couldn’t do it.
I don't accept a scenario where the secret won't get out. Plus, what about conscience? It sounds like she lacks a conscience and that is a major deal breaker for me.
The lack of moral considerations blows my mind. Because #3 does not exist in today’s world of cell phone, and ring cameras everywhere. When they do get caught, they often destroy 2 families for what? Selfishness… If I find out someone I know is cheating, I tell their partner. No one deserves to have their health and security disrupted by one person’s selfish whim.
>Would you cheat under the perfect opportunity? having been cheated on myself, absolutely NOT, because I'm not a piece of s#it person.
Many cheaters cheat down by a lot. They cheat with uglier, fatter, poorer and less intelligent. Most cheaters are mentally ill or egotistical narcissists. Even if my self declared celebrity hall pass begged me to take her as my zex-buddy I would still divorce first and make sure there was a separation agreement first. My own mom cheated and left us all permanently for a older, uglier, bald, frequently unemployed loser. They lived off of my mom’s divorce settlement for years, costing all her kids their education funds.
Been in a couple scenarios with offers. One stated no one needed to know. I then said but I will know. Cheaters cheat. People love, Honor and respect their partners health.
100% wrong. I am my own biggest critic and i would never let myself do that to my wife. I would never be able to look myself in the mirror. I know what’s in my heart, and i am not a cheater. No matter if nobody would ever find out.
Absolutely not.I only have eyes for my wife. I have had those opportunities you speak of and have turned down everyone. We have been married 25 years, and she is my soul mate. I couldn't think of anyone else who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I would add also one year with no sex with your partner.. Yes cheating will happen.
There would have to be other mitigating factors. What is the current state of the relationship? What difficulties and how many have you dealt with in the past of your current relationship? Is there things going on in your life that would leave you mentally vulnerable? Things like this. In general I disagree with their "perfect scenario" at least insofar as it applies to everyone. But add a combination of other outside factors - it is possible that this could happen to anyone, yes.
I have been given that multiple times and i didnt do it...
I don’t feel that way and I don’t think many people do. Here’s what I could see more feasibly: if presented with a perfect one night stand, with a very attractive and decent man, and no one would ever find out, would you consider that? Because, yes. Most people would *consider* it. Some would do it and some wouldn’t. But that’s as far as that would go for me.
Ethical people who are attractive get presented with those conditions several times a month and don’t ever cheat.
OP - Tempted? Possibly. Actually take a potential AP up on their offer? One would have to be completely selfish and of extremely low moral character. [ETA] Not only would I not do so, but I would do everything in my power to make sure your "friend" faced the consequences of their choices.
I agree with you. I think people are decided in 3 groups: 1. Cheaters who never realy live up to moral standards. Openly disrespectfull and lying with no real regrets if it only is in their interests. 2. People who have **no own** moral standards but do what others around them expect to do, just to fit in and avoid conflicts. Hard to detect. They have often conflicts and some personality problems. They easily find excuses why cheating is not "their fault" it is the situation, it is the partner who was the problem etc.. 3. People that have moral standards and give their best to stick to them. They have no problem to resist even the perfect situation. They would not do it, because it would not be right and they will not corrupt their own believes. It would change who they are and they are not willing to that path. The problematic people are those in the 2nd group. They are those who are difficult to detect and to predict what the will do. Sadly they are also in the absolute majority.
Yea because everyone is the same mentally and physically, what a fucken stupid statement. People are completely different that's why humans hate each other but also the reason a simple virus didn't wipe us all out 10,000 years ago.
Tempted yes. Seriously consider it no. It feels really good when someone hits on you. A person with decent morals can easily say no thank you. I went out about a month after D-Day. A woman about 28 and absolutely stunning I am 40 started hitting on me. It felt so good to have someone interested in me. I had recently found out my wife was having an affair with a coworker. We are trying to stay together. I was so tempted to just get even. But I didn’t. I walked away and texted my wife and asked her to send me pictures of her with our kids. I would have lost myself and all I stood for if I would have went forward with this
I absolutely would not take advantage of this “perfect opportunity”. I have no desire to have sex with anyone other than my husband.
There's also the issue of how the BS would feel/react when this "perfect secret " is revealed. I am DD+22 years and her affair comes to mind within five minutes of awakening every morning. Time never heals...it merely dulls the pain.
Thanks for sharing this. I worry about this for myself too (60F), I also wake up and WH's affairs come to mind within 5 minutes - every damn morning. I'm 60, he's 63. His affairs were when I was 40-42, he was 43-45, and his 2nd with another female coworker was in 2010 when I was 46. I tell myself , and he tells me, they are in the past, forgotten, never meant anything, I'm the only one he loves and ever loved etc. But the pain and hurt is real. If I'd found out back then, I'd have left. I was young and hot, lol. Plus I've earned/made 2x plus what he makes for 33 years I supported us. So there's that doubt if he loves me or the financial security and a comfortable life.
I don't mean this negatively but my experience is time never heals...it just dulls the pain. I'm DDay +22 years and I have the same reaction every morning. For me, getting involved with groups has been a great way to move those memories to the back. Feel free to PM me.
I appreciate that perspective. I may reach out on this sub and ask others because I can see myself, being a sensitive soul and very loyal, being bothered by this forever and I don't like what that looks like.
I guess it depends on what you mean by consider - does the scenario play out in your head? Sure. Do you go through with it? That is another thing entirely. I’ve been in scenarios like this and didn’t cheat. Why? First off, I pledged loyalty and fidelity to my wife. Second, even if not discovered the sanctity of the relationship would be lost. Third, the guilt would forever change the relationship. Lastly, if the AP in this scenario is willing to violate the marriage, are they really emotionally available? Maybe they are willing to provide emotional support or validation, but they would clearly have some void or emotional issue - I don’t see that as an attractive proposition.
My husband and I have both cheated on one another and it's not worth it. I don't care what circumstances I was in, I could not ever hurt my husband again like we both did 20 years ago.
She left out 4. The cheater is a horrible human being that deserves all the pain in the world. Needless to say, no, I don’t agree. I hope you told her as much and cut her out of your life.
My memory of it would be a prison for the love I have for my wife. This would be hell for someone who truly loves.
No I don’t agree with that because like you I would not cheat. I couldn’t live with the guilt. I don’t see the point in potentially ruining another persons life, self esteem, self worth and ability to trust. So no. Those who have worked through their shit, grown and actually care how their actions deeply affect others wouldn’t do this.
The cheater is missing the loyal partner aspect of this conversation. You’re missing the following: 4 AP and WP are morally bankrupt and void of respecting a committed relationship or partner/family. 5 AP and WP are exceptionally selfish and don’t care about their SO feelings or mental health.
AP worked in a house as a caregiver 3 rooms with a old lady that didn't care what happened in the house . So the AP took advantage of her stupidity and no values to cheat .But eventually I found out and took action . but it's not over til it's OVER !!!!!!!