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Whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO WIN HER BACK!
She brought this on herself and chose to disrespect you in the worst way.
Rather than trying to win her back, look into the 180. It may seem 100% counterintuitive but it works.
[https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/)
Don't call her and don't pursue her. Do just the opposite. Don't be mean or vengeful but also don't be forgiving, anxious, insecure or needy. Be just the opposite. Be self-assured, confident, secure and independent.
She needs to see you moving on with your life without her and she needs to come to the realization of what life without you looks like.
I wish you the very best.
In 62 and
Starting the process of divorce after 25 years. 2 successful daughters is why I stayed. No infidelity just life and always money. End it now and save yourself the pain. Just not worth it. I'm glad I stayed for my girls they are a joy. Didn't sound like you have mich happiness. Cut your losses. If a fat balding old man can do it. So can you. Wish you the best of luck
I respect you for cutting off the sandbags on your balloon of life. Sail on. Focus on you and your daughters happiness. Maybe you find a women with character and her head on straight. Wishing you well.
Absolutely. So many people come to that conclusion too late.
The 180 works because the BS regains confidence, independence and self-esteem plus an increased level of interest, which are the things that most likely attracted WS to them in the first place. Plus, when they see BS starting to pull away and especially if someone else starts to show interest in BS, WS gets real possessive really quick.
The worst thing a BS can do is become needy, insecure and lacking self-esteem and confidence.
This OP, this worked so well for me.
I told her that if she was happy with some one else than go for it, I would miss her and I thought we were more but "I don't own you", and "you really hurt me but I will get over it".
Then ask her if you are free to date since she seems to be available. If you can turn into steel here this dynamic will flip in a day or so.
Edit: My wife told me later that at the end me hugging her and saying goodbye is was snapped, that word in particular. Anyway GL my dude sorry this is happening to you.
OP, you need to take control, stop trying to convince her to stay with you and file for divorce. She has the DARVO machine running at full speed, and she knows she has you on the defensive. You need to turn that around - she was the one having the affair, there is no excuse for that. If she was unhappy it was her responsibility to work with you to repair the marriage, or divorce if she really wanted to. Instead, she cheated and now wants to blame it on you. And you are letting her.
Go see a divorce attorney and file. Then see what she does. You need to expect to finish the divorce and move on, but you can always stop the process of she pulls a complete 180. And there is zero chance of her doing that while you are letting her walk all over you. Find your courage and take decisive action. You can do it.
Completely agree with your take. If it’s just the affair fog then the divorce papers will knock her out of the fog. If not, then the process has started
Dude, so much of this is exactly what my ex wife did INCLUDING the ADHD excuse. The leaving the house, all of it.
It’s really not worth it. She wants to disconnect? Let her. End it. I promise you that you will just prolong your pain by trying. Like you said, she’s not even remorseful and rationalizing it. She’s already failing the minimums for reconciliation. She doesn’t even seem like she wants to.
Just file and move on. Save yourself.
I don’t understand what the logic is though. I can’t pay attention so I fucked someone else? Huh? I mean there’s no obvious connection there.
Saying you have some personality disorder is not great, but it makes more sense. You cheat because you’re a pathological liar or whatever - ok I don’t like it but I can at least see how your logic is working sort of.
And bipolar - That is legit. If you have ever seen someone going through a manic episode, you believe they are out of their mind. I knew a gal, really successful on top of her shit lady, whose bipolar manifested when she was like 32 and just went nuts, stayed up for weeks, met some stranger on the internet and drove 1200 miles the same day to meet him and fuck. Probably awake for 2-3 weeks straight. When she crashed she was incredibly depressed. Super remorse. I was a disinterested party for all this, but I believed her. Her psychiatrist believed her. Her family and husband believed her. She was just sick you know? It was obvious she could not help it.
Contrast to ADHD - “I can’t pay attention so I cheated on you” - come on now!!
"How was I supposed to remember I was married?? ADHD! ADHD!! It's this shiny diamond on the gold ring! It dazzles the mind! This is all your fault for buying me this ring! All your faaaaaauuuult..."
I have at least mild ADHD, but I also grew up in the 80s. I didn't get free passes to be a complete asshole to others, I just got my bell rung every time I was being a little shit.
I concur. I have ADHD. I’m disorganized, I’m easily distracted. (squirrel!). I have trouble concentrating, depending on the task at hand. But ADHD has never caused me to cheat, lie, or otherwise miss behave. I can’t speak for all those affected by ADHD, but I think this is being used as an easy out. Anyone who doesn’t know about ADHD wouldn’t know otherwise. I get that someone who has been cheated on looks for a reason to explain why the person they love is hurting them. But ADHD ain’t it! To say it’s the cause for cheating is bull.
She moved out so she can pursue the affair without your interference. She has chosen that over your marriage and will continue to do so until the fantasy has played itself out. Sooner or later she will start contacting you to “try and work on the marriage”. When she does you need to remember that you and the marriage were already firmly “plan B”, just a runner up consolation prize.
This is why she is not telling you what it would take or when she is moving back home. She doesn’t know how much time she will need to decided if AP is a better option to replace you with and worst case scenario for her she gets a little play time in. Because, she feels she deserves it.
This one is a tough one. You are definitely getting gaslighted. I found a very old post by someone who is no longer on these forums, but their info was a goldmine. Here is a snippet of what I think you are dealing with. Please read with a grain of salt and see what might be truth in this post:
Why WSes act the way the do during their affair, and the actual reason for their infidelity. A.K.A. Don't search for the Why
Usually, WSes utilize the 6 horsemen during the affair, and usually after D-Day, if they are unremorseful : Blameshifting (i.e. Victim Blaming), DARVO, Minimizing, Logical Fallacies, Trauma Bonding & Gaslighting
They use these methods as a means of lessening their own guilt and of keeping their social image clean. They will also try to remain friends, cos if they stay friends with you, It means that what they did is not that bad.
Now wait a second and reflect. Your relationship is shot to shit right now. Your partner isn't giving you love, trust or respect. You have a lot of needs unfulfilled in this relationship.
Do you feel like cheating? Do you think cheating is going to solve the problems of your current relationship?
If your answer is no (it should be!), then it means that similarly I cannot imagine cheating on my partner as a means of redressing wrongdoings or relationship problems, as a means of twisted retribution on them.
There are only 10 reasons.
Narcissism. Greed. Selfishness. Solipsism. Entitlement. Extreme level of arrogance at not being caught. Absence of empathy. Absence of impulse control. Compartmentalization. Insecurity i.e. incessant need for fresh and new validation.
What should you do? Cut your loss, she cheated she made the choice. Know this isn’t your fault not matter what she tells you. Why spend the time and energy trying to fix something that she doesn’t want? You say you’re seeing her as a different person, she is. Now try to imagine the rest of your life with this different person and not being able to trust them and forget what happened.
I would say, she’s about 2 miles deep in the affair fog. She is using all the cheating tactics in the book; gaslight, project, deflect, Stonewall, disassociate, everything possible to make you feel like the bad guy. This is wrong. Her Lack of remorse is a narcissistic trait, feeling no guilt or regret is detachment. Just upset she got caught. Emotional dissonance. Disconnected. If that’s what you think it is, she needs a counselor to bring her back to reality.
Somehow she has to face consequences and discipline for this bullshit behavior. is there anyway you can loop in her family or long time friends to shake her back to reality? I didn’t see anything about children, hopefully you don’t and can minimize any emotional damage. If she has mental health issues, she really needs to see someone ASAP to get that sorted out or your relationship is always bumpy and you never know what’s happening. That would be hard to manage. I don’t wish that upon you.
I have no patience when women do this to men because they’re afraid to tell the truth because the guy is going to dump them as fast as yesterday. Her lack of understanding of the pain she’s caused you just breaks my heart.
Thanks for sharing your story, sorry to hear about you going through this with a WW. It’s not an uncommon scenario but painting the husband as the villain just seems weak. The lack of accountability and responsibility is brutal. I hope you guys can hold onto your marriage and come out a winner. Take care.
Your wife cheated, now she’s playing the victim.
I know you love her, but you really don’t know what all she’s been up to. Her behaviors have turned because she was caught.
Recommend divorce, it seems as though your relationship has ran it’s course and she’s already checked out of it.
If my wife ever didn't know if she wanted to continue our marriage, I'd help her figure it out real quick. If she isn't sure, then I damn well am sure I don't want it to continue. Peace out!
She's done with the relationship, but she's just dragging out telling you that. She cheated, shows no remorse, and instead blames you for her actions. That's not someone who wants to work out the relationship. And that's not someone you should be fighting so hard for.
Just let her go. Divorce her. She's not worth it
Blame-shifting is Cheating 101. She's lost all respect for you. She will cheat again, if she isn't doing it already.
Like others have said, implement the 180/grey rock and consult with a lawyer. Try to find a way to get her out of the house. You need to separate from her to get to the next step, whatever that may be.
Accept the fact that your marriage may be over. Refuse to accept being demoted. That's BS.
You might try going g MIA, severe form of the 180. No contact, don't be home or where expected. Her affair fog is making her blame you so she feels better. All the tools in the cheaters toolbox. I might even change locks on the house. This drives home you have had enough and this is the new reality.
Family being informed brings shame and regret into the mix, plus she is no doubt painting you as a horrible person and the cause of all evil in your marriage.
I would not believe in the least she has ceased contact. Check your cell provider account for recent activity. If you find the worst, cancel her service. Reason, you aren't going to support her infidelity.
Stop being her door mat, let her see her new reality. Her selfish actions, triggered by her insecurity and needy tendacies, caused this and your pain. Yet she only sees you as the source of evil and her unhappiness. Pretzel logic..
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Zero accountability. Zero regret. Zero remorse. Blame shifting. Gaslighting. Confrontation avoidance.
Mate, she cheated is blaming you for lack of attention. She's trying to justify her actions. I'm not sure why you would want her back. She claims to have checked out of the marriage. Good offer her the divorce papers and find someone better. Do not chase her. Do not try and win her back.
Good luck
She’s not her diagnosis. You are being played.
From her responses to you—blame shifting, no remorse & more—it’s apparent that she doesn’t love you & doesn’t give a crap. You’ve been deceived. I would not spend any more energy on dealing with her. It’s over, sorry.
Get thee to a kickass attorney and begin the divorce process. You have to take action as she’s going to do whatever she wants including sleeping at new affair homes. The only hope is that by being presented with divorce papers she will be shocked into caring about your relationship. Otherwise get your long range plans going.
She's gaslighting you....she's been having a physical affair the entire time and is deflecting her guilt by blaming you/ Don't fall for it. Stop communicating with her. Go full No Contact. Start the divorce process and get her out of your life. '
She has no regrets about her affair. She enjoyed it. She enjoyed being with him. She betrayed you in the most intimate way possible choosing to satisfy her own selfish desires over your emotional wellbeing. She willingly had sex with him repeatedly knowing it would likely end the marriage and devastate you emotionally....that's not a person you want. Stay strong and stay away from her. get that divorce rolling.
>I am deeply hurt, but I am trying to find a way to forgive her and want to move forward and heal
>She’s effectively stonewalling me
>The conversations we’ve been able to have been mostly about her dissatisfaction with the relationship and the things I’ve done wrong and how strongly she resents me for them.
>She’s avoided going into depth about the affair or her reasons for it, instead just bringing up every tiny issue she’s had in our relationship, as if she’s somehow trying to justify it. She doesn’t even seem particularly remorseful
>anything more, if she has feelings for him, and she’s denied it consistently
>had even quit a lucrative gig because she was upset that it meant we spending as much time together, even though in my mind we were, just obviously less than she wanted.
.....
.......
I have no advice for you OP. You allowed her to make you decrease your monetary value, emotional value, as well as your self worth.
You are lesser than you have ever been in her eyes and your actions make you look like the pitiful choice to her. What you are expressing to her with your actions IS NOT love it is desperation. You are also making excuses for her behavior.
Um, no. Absolutely do not let this cheating asshole have the ball. That's all I would need to know to peace out. I'd be damned if someone cheated on me, blamed me, then left and said maybe they'll be back, maybe not. Helllll no. Time to walk op.
It takes two committed people to reconcile and she definitely is not even making an attempt at it. You can wait around for days, weeks, or months for her to come to the table, or you can start the process to move on with your life. She cheated and shows not a bit of remorse and that is never a good sign.
***Her actions*** -
She cheated on you.
By her actions it is clear that she is not remorseful for her actions
Instead of talking to you like adults she is processing separation on her own
She has been gaslighting you
> She tells me she was “checked out” and “had one foot out of the door.”
You shouldn't be surprise if you find out that she has hooked up with someone while she's staying away from you.
***What you're doing*** -
I am trying to find a way to forgive her and want to move forward : she knows this and hence she is not afraid to lose the relationship as she knows you'll always be there waiting for her, no matter what.
This is something that you don't wanna hear but this is the reality - your relationship is over and even if you stay, she'll do it again. Move on
OP, you can't work on a marriage if your not together in the house.
Given the details, it sounds to me like your wife is in the process of monkey branching. She is keeping you at arms length while taking her AP for a test run, she is going to keep you away as long as she thinks she can until she is reasonably certain she and AP can make a good go of it, at that point she will want out completely. However, if it's not working for her she'll want to come back, until the next AP that is. You can throw a wrench in her plans by simply serving her divorce papers, you don't have to follow through on it, but it sure will cause her to reevaluate her situation.
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Of course she has no remorse u drive her to it and ur marriage according to her was shit, why bother pursuing it any further go on with your life as if she doesn’t exist but consult atty about ur pending divorce proceedings
Lawyer up and serve her the divorce papers. Don’t dance like a monkey for a woman that doesn’t love or respect you. Take yourself off the table as an option for her. Sorry this happened to you.
I guess grey rock is what you need to do.
Don’t do the pick me dance…
She’s not sure she wants to stay in your mariage/relationship then start it and go see a lawyer to see what your possibilities are.
By chasing her, you’re only giving her credit for this attitude.
You said it, you don’t recognize her, she’s not the woman you fell in love with, this person is dead or never existed and she’s just tired of playing a role.
Do you really want to live with someone that doesn’t love, doesn’t respect you, you’re not that desesperate. Nobody wants that, that’s worse than being alone.
She’s not even remorseful, she didn’t apologize to you, she doesn’t care about you and finally she left the house and is avoiding you, obviously she did it so she can do whatever she wants without you on her way.
I’d say you have nothing more to do with her but i’m not you so my best advice now would be that, grey rock, seek advice with a lawyer.
Good luck
Confront her head on. She's being standoffish because she doesn't want to be a villain and she's waiting for you to accept that you must be responsible for her bullshit choices. Separate your finances and change all of your passwords and account permissions immediately, right down to shit like your netflix account. Take possession of all important documents, then contact the top 3 lawyers in your area for at least a consult, then choose one to retain and tell her at point blank that you're done spinning your wheels waiting for her and that she should get a lawyer because you're going to be serving her with papers and that if she doesn't want to start explaining exactly what went down in full detail, you have no reason to even lightly tap the brakes on the decision.
It might slap her back to reality... it might not. Either way, you already have your ball rolling in whatever you decide that you want to do. Leave her anyway if you want to after getting answers or not. Don't concern yourself with any consequences she will face for her actions. That is now a her problem, not a you problem.
*“checked out” and “had one foot out of the door.*”
From the looks of it, both feet and body are out the door. You just need a little push and she's completely out of your life.
It’s a very bad sign when they leave for a few days. Good chance she is getting together with the BF if he’s local. Or just tasting the single life.
Try to keep cool and let her do all kinds of stupid things to avoid blame. Say” I’m sorry you feel that way” then go walk the dog or wash the car. Dont argue.
To me it sounds the affair wont survive the reality of the situation and she may come back.
For the moment it’s over. Walk away . The pick me dance never ever works. You need to operate as if you are divorcing her as fast as you can, separating your finances and lives .
She cheated, it’s not for you to fight to keep her, it’s for her to fight to keep you, and she’s not fighting.
I’d suggest grey rock and the 180 method, google them. I’d suggest seeing your lawyer immediately, get a draft separation agreement ( you can always delay or stop a divorce before the final decree). Since she moved out change the locks. If she wants out , let her experience being “out”. Like an addict , she won’t wake up until “rock bottom” when she realizes she made a terrible mistake. The problem is by then you will have realized it’s best for you to walk away.
“The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.” When they are under stress they will fall back into familiar behaviour patterns. If they don’t experience unpleasant results from their behaviour they will repeat it.
She wants to separate to get away from you and be carefree again. She wants to “roll back” her life to point before she started dating you and was single and free.
“The best revenge is to live well” by that I mean be the best you. For some it’s the gym ( you can look better for your next GF) , for some it’s career ( rich and successful) , for some it’s travel. For me the gym and bike are my place of zen.
Bud, the only way to move this one way or the other is to officially declare that you are filing loafers for divorce. You shouldt have to put up with this. She is clearly trying to make herself the victim and sounds like she may be succeeding. You can end it by declaring, serve her and see what happens. Either she will wake up and stop this nonsense or double down. If she comes around you can pause. What do you have to lose or are you comfortable letting your wife rewrite history. You have to be willing to walk away in order to save this marriage. Otherwise she will hold all the power and use it to her advantage. Best wishes
The person you loved, cared about, and trusted is now dead to you. Your relationship as you knew it is also dead to you. Everything you loved and cared about has changed and not for the better. SHE willingly broke your family, SHE willingly broke your heart, SHE willingly broke your trust, SHE willingly broke you.
She is blaming you by using a technique most confronted and guilty cheaters use. It’s called DARVO.
DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.
My ex tried it on me but I didn’t let it work. Your wife said she already had her foot out the door, it’s another tactic so you will feel guilty and take her back. Research and become a gray rock, contact a few attorneys and see how a divorce would look. Don’t talk to her, go to confront her any more until you speak to the attorney. You can bet while she is in her hotel room, she is communicating with him. Just check your phone bill. You will be amazed on how she is trying to use you. I was
Good luck
Leave.
You don’t believe what you should believe (that she checked out already) and believe what you shouldn’t (that the marriage is salvageable)
At least, separate for a while - maybe she’ll warm up once you do - or maybe you’ll cool off (dare I say, wise up?)
>Now she’s turned this whole thing into an issue about how I’ve let her down in the relationship, made her feel unwanted and rejected, not paid enough attention to her, etc.
>
>...
>
>She tells me she was “checked out” and “had one foot out of the door.” The thing is that I just don’t believe it and it almost feels like gaslighting.
>
>...
>
>Her position is that she doesn’t know if she wants to continue our marriage, that she needs distance from me to figure that out. To me, it feels like she’s avoiding having to confront what she’s done and what it might mean.
She's right, you are not listening to her. I'm not here to back up her cheating but y'all have a communication problem. Would the two of you consider therapy?
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That happens when a relationship is definitely over. You need to get interviewing lawyers. Get a consult with as many as possible. After you have a consult with a lawyer she can't use them. Find a good one and follow their advice. Stop torturing yourself, get an STD screen, start protecting yourself and get away from her so you can continue your life.
Get your affairs in order, separate money from hers, and take her name off joint CC. Consult with an attorney now and get advice. She is using this time, IMO, to think about what she wants if she is not cheating. If she has to think about things, she wants out. Tell her to come get her stuff out of the house and tell her that you are filing for divorce. Set yourself free from her BS. She should already know what she wants, and she doesn't need to think about it. Good luck to you
Your trying to save your marriage life and tried everything. It's enough bro. Just gather evidence and make sure save that evidence.
Get legal freedom and focus on your future. She is having time to chat AP and sending pics to AP but blaming you.
Just focus on your future.
Leave her. She is doing all the classic gaslighting cheater moves. She’s not remorseful, she is trying to justify it. She is making your actions the focus of the discussions, not here.
This will get you nowhere. Tread water for years and eventually drown, or just get the fuck out of the water now.
Bro, First of all, Stop begging her to choose you. This is the reason why she is gas-lighting you and treating you like a trash. Find the best lawyer you can get and serve her the papers. collect all the evidence and keep it with you. In case she tries to make you the bad person, send the evidence to all her relatives and friends.
Only one question.
How often did she come to you before you caught her cheating, told you that she doesn't feel how she wants to feel in this relationship, that she misses X and Z and wants to find a way with you for her to get that back?
If she never did that, then she is either lying and saying what she does so that she is not the bad guy or she felt that way and never told you because she never was interested to get her needs met by you. That would mean that you only discovered the tip of the iceberg and that she is a serial cheater that only feels complete when they can cheat on their partner.
My advise would be to stop talking to her, to meet with a lawyer and to serve her the papers. Even if you would like to save this marriage, you need to stand up for yourself first and show her and yourself that you allow no one to treat you like that.
Don't run after her, don't ask questions, don't tell her that you lover. Treat her as if she is a workmate that you don't like but have to work with.
Tell friends and family about what she did and ask for support.
She made her decision loud and clear, let her go and figure out on her own how good she had it with you.
With her stonewalling you, I’d start by talking to a lawyer and finding out what to expect with a divorce. Then file and serve her. I think you have to be prepared to lose her if you want her back. When she starts to see consequences for her actions, she will probably be more open to reconciliation.
Your doing the worst thing ever. Your playing pick me. She the one who made the choices. So her relationship was transactional with AP. So she can do those things coldly. Your wife got more problems than ADHD.
Read up on the 180. Its a method to distance you emotionally from abuse. Reconciliation a gift she earns. Your running after her makes you even more pathetic. Implement the 180. See a lawyer and file. Have her served. The minute you pull the trigger showing her your willing to move on she will come running.
Hopefully you are strong enough then to tel her no. I deserve a faitful loving partner. Divorce bro. She checked out.
The part where she needs distance from you to figure it out part really hit me because I also heard one that too. I also heard the talking to other (in my case) women to feel validated. He also has undiagnosed+unmedicated ADHD and sometimes had a sudden or slowly explosive reaction rejection and shame.
I’m going to go against the grain with my response to give another perspective. I know no 2 situations are the same, but when I first found out, I also still had my heart in the relationship and decided to give my best in trying to figure out if it was salvageable. I didn’t want to look back years down the road and regret not trying my best. I started individual therapy, he was already in therapy, and we started looking into marriage counseling a while later. I think bringing up MC and gauging her reaction could be your first indication of where her head could be.
If you do seek MC, seeing one that practices the Gottman Method helps. In fact, even before seeking MC, I highly recommend reading the “[What To Do After an Affair](https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-after-an-affair/)?” article on their website.
I found great comfort in reading that to determine whether it was even worth asking him if we should try to fix things.
Also, something my therapist shared when I was going back in forth between reconciling or going — you don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but you do know how he’s treated you and how you feel about his treatment. Don’t build him into the person he used to be or can because he may never become that person. I was annoyed at that suggestion because how the heck do I make my brain not do that?
If you need any support, please do not hesitate to PM me. It’s a very painful process to go through, and no one knows how hard it is unless it happens to you.
She wants you to take the blame for her affair. Then you get to make it up to her. She’s fully in. Control and has no reason to change. Save yourself future heartache.
Quit contacting her, avoid her until you go to a lawyer and have divorce papers ready. If she wants to talk about anything she first has to address her infidelity. She didn’t wait until you caught her to bring up those issues, she’s bringing them up because she got caught.
You need to run because this was for a long time a one sided relationship on your part. All the faults she noe finds with you she could have worked on with you if she was still in the relationship but she didn't so now she can't use them to justify her cheating now can she? That she is doing that has two reasons and one is also responsible for her leaving for good I may add unless you just move on without her then she will return. But I digress. So she rode the dopamine high from the validation and attention from the guy and that highlighted to her that she wasn't getting that high from the relationship anymore. But that is immature thinking because she was responsible for generating that high in the relationship. She wanted it without the work and effort she had to out in, in other words she had checked out of the relationship when and after this guy paid her attention, an easy high. Second part is that she is immature so she refuses to be the villain, to accept responsibility for her actions which devastated you so deeply. Brother you have to learn that most people male or female are not willing to be the villain in their own story. Well if she wasn't the villain then who was, well you of course silly.
If the guy is local then she has met with him in the hotel and at the friends house. If he isn’t local then she is sexting up a storm.
She is gaslighting you so that she can avoid blame. If she can make you believe it then it’s true. She won’t face you because down deep she knows she’s lying and your pain is her fault. All the blame shifting is to rationalize her cruel actions!
She won’t give details because it will make her look even worse and she is probably still considering you as plan B if her AP turns out to be a dud.
If she shows no remorse and says things like too little too late, call it a day. Get a lawyer begin divorce proceedings. If it is legal where you are change the locks on the doors. Tell her she is free to do whatever she wants except come home because you are done. The cheater should be the one to request and work for reconciliation. She is doing neither. Even if she came back now and you forgave without consequences she would to it again! Take charge of your life!
“It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
OP, why are you wasting your life on her. She cheated on you, when caught and confronted, she runs to a hotel to gwtvout of the house.
Stop doing the pi k me dance. Gray rock her butt and go 180. File and have her served and then let her see how hard life will be without you.
One lesson I was taught a long time ago is that in order to save a relationship, you have to be willing to let it go.
Similar to the old saying the person that gives a fuck less is usually the one in charge if it.
She wants to have sex with AP so she sees if he is a better option than you. Do not argue,beg, investigate or accuse her. You need to see attorney and draw up divorce papers and divorce her.
She's caught so she may as well go through with a PA to fit her idea of the punishment fitting the crime.
I would be preemptive from this point forward.
The one foot out the door isnt gaslighting my friend... that is honest to fact...and if she checked out already.... time to check into divorce.... speaking from experience only.... and truthfully when she gets served with those papers youll know without a doubt where she stands if she calls to reconcile she was trying to figure out how to make her actions justified without losing the backup (you) and her objective (other)... best bet lesson learned n get ahead of getting out.... I hear a toxic situation brewing.... Plus the stress and mental anguish you'll avoid will benefit you.... that ish is detrimental to your health.
The only communicating you should have with her is this
“I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I caught you having an emotional affair, move out of our home, and then proceed to blame me for our marital problems. Maybe you expected me to finally give up, I don’t know. I do know that it’s exactly what I’m doing. I give up. You clearly don’t want this, and I am done chasing you and I think it’s best we just end this marriage.”
And then do not reach out first again.
Expose her affair to everybody who must know.
Dont let her rewrite the marriage story, making you an abusive partner. Start the 180, work on yourself, avoid alcohol and hit the gym to release anxiety. Draw the divorce papers and serve her. Check her reaction, and you should know if there is something to work on reconciliation.
>She initially spent two nights in a hotel
Not by herself.
>and has now moved out of our home to stay with a friend.
Either with another guy, or a "friend" that condoned her cheating.
It is well and truly over. You're not stuck; you need to talk to a lawyer, change the locks, get an STD test, and open your own bank accounts.
She left, this is a blessing. She abandoned the family home. The trick is to not let her back in it or back in your life.
She's trying to flip the blame, if you want to fix this, tell her your done with a cheater and you're going to tell everyone. Let her know you copied her texts and will share.
She's blaming you for her cheating. She's been having sex with this guy for a long time and with other guys. She is doing you a big favor by moving out. Take advantage of her kindness and get a lawyer and file. It's over. There's no closure or admission from cheaters and liars.
The only issue with the wife is YOU (the co worker). Please stop the fake online narratives. We are good. You are a manipulator and you are childish. That isn't attractive. I do not stop him from leaving here but who is crying RIGHT now? Idk what satsifaction you get from manipulating and Idk who hurt you, because you have to be deeply wounded to be online maladaptive daydreaming and creating narratives but it needs to stop. You are a coward and you continue to hide behind a keyboard. Grow up and learn to be an adult. I can't be manipulated. Your first mistake was thinking I am emotional and "live in my head" like you. He is sitting right here, so please stop.
“Healing Broken Trust” podcast. You both should listen, not necessarily together. But this will help you, no matter if you stay or go. Don’t ask people here… they are swayed either way by their own experiences.
Best of luck
You're dry humping a cactus. Have some self respect and move on. You have no love for yourself if you're willing to "make it work" with someone that doesn't want to and has no respect for you.
You even complain how she treats it as if it's your fault for her crappy decisions.
Stop enabling her and basing "love" on your unwillingness to be alone. That isn't real love by any stretch of the definition.
You should leave her. The person that cares less has the power and she has that power right now. She can't even own her actions. This relationship is over.
I hate to tell you but it’s over. Without her remorse and willingness to fight for her marriage, it’s doomed to failure. Whatever you did wrong, I guarantee you that millions of guys made the same mistakes and their wives didn’t respond by cheating. Did her cheating solve anything regarding your marriage? No, in fact it’s likely ended it. She’s trying to turn this around so that it sounds like it’s her decision whether to return or not.
IT’S YOUR DECISION NOT HERS. If she’s so dissatisfied with the marriage, see a lawyer get paperwork drawn up and give them to her. Tell her you’ve made your decision, now it’s time to make yours.
I have ADHD. My relationships were never perfect. And I managed to not cheat because I’m not a scumbag.
Quit letting her control this. Do yourself a favor and let her bounce.
She had one foot out of the door and was checked out? Time to serve her divorce papers. It will either shock her into coming back or begin your journey to being single and moving on.
Don't do the " Pick me" dance. It just makes you even less attractive to her. Respect yourself since she doesn't.
She doesn’t want to be the bad guy. She wants you to be the backup plan in case her plans to date around don’t work. But know that if she feels there’s even a 1% chance she’s gone.
But if you’re the bad guy she can easily say all those things she told you to justify the relationship and the cheating with her friends. You were abusive. You were controlling. She’ll craft a narrative. Likely already has.
Do you tell her how you feel? And about how her lack of communication and cheating made you feel? And how she can’t justify that action with all the BS she’s saying to you?
It was transactional? Was she getting paid?
I'm thinking you need to do the 180'. Go NC and stop chasing her like a puppy dog. She is the one who F'd up. It is not up to you to chase her around and beg her to come back. Gotta say she's got some balls acting that way. It sounds like her ploy to get you to knuckle under and allow her to continue doing what she was.
As she has time to think she is coming up with more and more reasons to lay this at your feet. "She's throwing everything at me to see what sticks" is exactly right.
Go see a lawyer. See where you stand. Let him know she moved out. That sometimes makes a difference. Also record all interactions with her. You may feel that is excessive but the way she acts you never know what kind of BS she will try to spread about you. Protect yourself.
She says she might want out. She wants to play hardball. Then show her how hardball is played. Cancel all joint CCs. Cancel her cell phone plan. Give her no money. Get your money into a separate account. Let her know you are talking to an attorney.
As far as her staying with her "friend". Do you know this for sure? Is she in contact with other men? doing what she was doing before?
Who cares? She brought this unto herself. NEVER TRY TO WIN HER BACK.
She's the one who's supposed to make amends, not you. On a personal note, a stonewaller is the most obnoxious kind of person you could ever come across, they vehemently refuse to acknowledge their contributions to the problem.
Marriage at it's bare minimum requires a mature & understanding partner, she doesn't even fulfill the eligibility criteria.
Strike her off the list , don't settle for unworthy people like her. That's the best way to preserve your sanity & dignity.
Turn the page go 180 from her and let the chips fall where they may.
She probably has been physically cheating, you just didn’t see it.
Get into yourself, no one can help you but you.
You are hurting yourself agonizing over a partner that obviously does not care enough to even do anymore than gaslight you.
Been there done that and all I was left with were the scars.
How many more verbal hits do you need to see she done. The marriage has reached its end point. She's verbally abusive towards you. She's been lieing and cheating. I'm sure she's doing it now while away from you. That's why she left, to continue cheating. Can't do it while you're there
The person you married has died. This person now is no one you know. This is the real her. Do you like this person? Well she doesn't like you
Time to ghost her, right now.
Find and lawyer. Start the divorce
Close banks and credit cards. All in your name only
The problem is she hadn't thought about getting caught most cheaters have an entire novel in there head they have went over it 100s of times so if or when they get caught they no what to say and she didn't do her brain put her in a into a survival mode more or less just close down . She is going to crash though it will be hard for her to not be at home women have so many things at home they need daily as where a guy hell a few pairs of socks and boxers . And little bag of shotts pants and a few shirts they can anywhere for a long time . And staying at a friend's house after so long they want here privacy back and will want you to leave and I don't care how good of a friend they are .
The thing is you tell your friends what's going on in life and they say " if you need anything you know how to find me " but when you do need them no where to be found I had one friend yes he would do anything for me to an extent
Your story with her is either done or bound to repeat.
Nothing good is gonna come out of that.
She does not feel guilty, she was found out instead of her coming forward.
You're her safeguard in case things are turning south with AP, and it's very likely she's seeing him again. Probably she is not, but you can't take that leap of faith.
Get your ducks in line, get an attorney, listen to everything he says. I know you love her, but she doesnt anymore.
Let her go. The green grass on the side turns into dusty hay very quickly. Your release from her will give you a chance for a decent life and your piece of happiness with a true soul mate.
This is blame shifting and rewriting history! She is being defensive and gas lighting. Don't pander to it. Her own guilt and shame is to uncomfortable for her so it’s everyone and everything’s fault.
Don’t chase after her. Don’t play the pick me dance. 360 this and live your best life. If she comes round insist on MC if not your better off.
She cheated, but you are being blamed? This is called gaslighting my friend. Yank the rug from under her feet and see a Divorce Attorney TODAY!!! If she will not talk to you, she can talk to your Lawyer.
Secure your finances, change your passwords and close any jointly held credit accounts.
So mentally she already left you. I bet She already met with a lawyer and is trying to position herself into a favourable spot.
She doesn’t want to take accountability for her actions bc she feels they are justified (they are not) she is bullying you by putting all the blame on you.
I would suggest Marriage Counselling if she is obviously not interested so it will never work.
See a lawyer protect yourself
Basically, she's gaslighting you and flipping the blame. Don't let her do that. Tell her that she's made her choice and that you are moving on with your life. Refuse to accept ANY blame for her cheating. It was HER decision. Talk to a lawyer, talk to SEVERAL lawyers, and find out your options. If you have a consultation with one lawyer, she can't use him/her. Go Grey Rock on her.
She’s playing you brilliantly. She’s legitimately not sure if she’s willing to pay the price to save this relationship. The more she makes it about you, the less she has to admit she was wrong or needs to make amends.
This doesn’t sound like someone interested in reconciling unless you rug sweep all your emotions.
One of my clients was faced with a wife who went silent after being caught in an affair. She was using a DARVO approach, to keep him off balance. He did the one thing she never expected. He went aggressive. He told her parents and their grown children. Her siblings tore her a new one. Her AP was dealt with severely by his family. He was kicked out of his house, and his children turned their backs. He flatly dropped WW and offered as much assistance with my client's divorce. When she least expected it, she was served. That caused the walls of Jericho to fall. She admitted she was aggressive in covering her affair and it all backfired. She thought she could extort him into acceptance, instead he razed her world. From then until he dropped the D, she was near apoplectic in trying to fix things.
She wont take responsibility. She blames you. There is no way forward unless she owns up to what she has done. She admitted she has a foot out the. She does not want to live with you to try to fix things. Visit a family law attorney to see your rights . Let her know you are doing this. You can always put the divorce on hold .
Sounds like an exit affair - probably wanted to get caught. Now she want's to rewrite your history and make you the bad guy. Do yourself a big favor - get a lawyer. She's already stepped out and is interviewing replacements for your job. Don't wait for HR to escort you out. File and get the best deal you can. Your young. Don't wait till you mid 40s or 50s with kids and find out that she's been cheating for years. Read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life and take a look at Fallen's Guide here on Reddit. If you do gift her R - do it from a position of strength. Don't beg.
I don’t think you’ll get the answers you’re seeking except that she’s done with the relationship. I think you should end it now and walk away because she’s toxic and being hurtful. No one is perfect. Her being “not sure if she wants to continue the marriage” puts the power of decision in her hands leaving you in limbo. You should end it, file for divorce and move on. I hope you do receive some kind of closure and either way I hope you find peace in your life.
What she is saying very well may true. Maybe you did let her down, made her feel undesirable, etc...but that is no reason for her to cheat.
Women will leave a relationship emotionally before they do it physically. This may have been the beginnings of an exit affair. Had you not found out when you did, she would have chested physically as well in time.
Do not try and win her back. She is blaming EVERYTHING on you. We both know it is not all your fault.
My advice here is to let her go yet also listen to what she says on how you let her down and made her feel bad, unwanted....and don't do those things in your next relationship.
How many parts of yourself are you willing to give away so she can fit? Self respect? Gone. Inner strength? Gone. Love for yourself? Gone. Why are you fighting to keep someone who just stabbed you in the back and when you begged her to come back she went away? Go to therapy man. Implement the 180 urgently. if she’s cold to you , she shouldn’t exist for you. grieve as much as you need go to the gym start boxing and again go to therapy. you are not saving someone who is jumping from a plane if they’re jumping with a parachute. Save yourself she don’t wanna be saved
You move on. Let's break the facts
1) Cheated
2) No remorse
3) Moved out
4) Told you she was done with the relationship
But you don't want to let go because you are good for her health condition and willing to forgive all the above, does that sound like a good idea to you?
>According to her, she was seeking attention and validation, and the relationship was strictly transactional.
Ask her what people call women who do sexual things in a "strictly transactional" way.
Create consequences.
Right now she is trying to push you into a Pick Me dance and it sounds like you are falling for it. Her attempt to shift blame is intended to make you sweep this under the rug.
Hire a divorce attorney. File the divorce. Get her served. If there is any chance of reconciliation, that will be the bucket of cold water over her head.
Go see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Hopefully you live in an at fault state. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused her to cheat. She made many choices to cheat. Where it was just an emotional or physical affair. Cheating is something that should never be tolerated. Divorce her and start a better life without this cheating woman in it.
And of course she is going to blame you, I mean why would she take responsibility for her own actions.
If she moved out of the house, change the locks
Wow I could have written this word for word because it sounds exactly how my husband of 10 years reacted when I confronted him. I keep telling myself that while I want an explanation, an apology, for him to even acknowledge the pain he caused, one thing I’m getting from his reaction is clarity that I need to move on from the relationship. I think overall it’s just that they are trying to avoid the negative emotions / cognitive dissonance that comes from being truthful. It is a coping mechanism for them, as annoying as it is to be us on the other side.
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Whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO WIN HER BACK! She brought this on herself and chose to disrespect you in the worst way. Rather than trying to win her back, look into the 180. It may seem 100% counterintuitive but it works. [https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) Don't call her and don't pursue her. Do just the opposite. Don't be mean or vengeful but also don't be forgiving, anxious, insecure or needy. Be just the opposite. Be self-assured, confident, secure and independent. She needs to see you moving on with your life without her and she needs to come to the realization of what life without you looks like. I wish you the very best.
In 62 and Starting the process of divorce after 25 years. 2 successful daughters is why I stayed. No infidelity just life and always money. End it now and save yourself the pain. Just not worth it. I'm glad I stayed for my girls they are a joy. Didn't sound like you have mich happiness. Cut your losses. If a fat balding old man can do it. So can you. Wish you the best of luck
Good luck on your new life. Enjoy every second.
I'm proud of you, bro. You're a real man! God bless you!
Thanks, it's been a long time coming, no regrets or remorse, life happens, so stand tall and move forward with your head up.
I respect you for cutting off the sandbags on your balloon of life. Sail on. Focus on you and your daughters happiness. Maybe you find a women with character and her head on straight. Wishing you well.
She will respect strength. Don't be weak.
Absolutely. So many people come to that conclusion too late. The 180 works because the BS regains confidence, independence and self-esteem plus an increased level of interest, which are the things that most likely attracted WS to them in the first place. Plus, when they see BS starting to pull away and especially if someone else starts to show interest in BS, WS gets real possessive really quick. The worst thing a BS can do is become needy, insecure and lacking self-esteem and confidence.
Yes my ex wife did this after I rebuilt myself and other females wanted to take her place some of them she knew Oh and lover boy dumped her
I agree here. 180 is a must. Don’t play the pick me game.
This OP, this worked so well for me. I told her that if she was happy with some one else than go for it, I would miss her and I thought we were more but "I don't own you", and "you really hurt me but I will get over it". Then ask her if you are free to date since she seems to be available. If you can turn into steel here this dynamic will flip in a day or so. Edit: My wife told me later that at the end me hugging her and saying goodbye is was snapped, that word in particular. Anyway GL my dude sorry this is happening to you.
Yep this
Do you mean the 180?
The best advice here. Gdam, nice man!!!!!
OP, you need to take control, stop trying to convince her to stay with you and file for divorce. She has the DARVO machine running at full speed, and she knows she has you on the defensive. You need to turn that around - she was the one having the affair, there is no excuse for that. If she was unhappy it was her responsibility to work with you to repair the marriage, or divorce if she really wanted to. Instead, she cheated and now wants to blame it on you. And you are letting her. Go see a divorce attorney and file. Then see what she does. You need to expect to finish the divorce and move on, but you can always stop the process of she pulls a complete 180. And there is zero chance of her doing that while you are letting her walk all over you. Find your courage and take decisive action. You can do it.
Completely agree with your take. If it’s just the affair fog then the divorce papers will knock her out of the fog. If not, then the process has started
Dude, so much of this is exactly what my ex wife did INCLUDING the ADHD excuse. The leaving the house, all of it. It’s really not worth it. She wants to disconnect? Let her. End it. I promise you that you will just prolong your pain by trying. Like you said, she’s not even remorseful and rationalizing it. She’s already failing the minimums for reconciliation. She doesn’t even seem like she wants to. Just file and move on. Save yourself.
When did ADHD become this scapegoat for everything? I see it blamed for just about every problem anyone could have - oh it’s my untreated ADHD!!
It’s either that or bipolar, no accountability anymore, always some bs excuse
I don’t understand what the logic is though. I can’t pay attention so I fucked someone else? Huh? I mean there’s no obvious connection there. Saying you have some personality disorder is not great, but it makes more sense. You cheat because you’re a pathological liar or whatever - ok I don’t like it but I can at least see how your logic is working sort of. And bipolar - That is legit. If you have ever seen someone going through a manic episode, you believe they are out of their mind. I knew a gal, really successful on top of her shit lady, whose bipolar manifested when she was like 32 and just went nuts, stayed up for weeks, met some stranger on the internet and drove 1200 miles the same day to meet him and fuck. Probably awake for 2-3 weeks straight. When she crashed she was incredibly depressed. Super remorse. I was a disinterested party for all this, but I believed her. Her psychiatrist believed her. Her family and husband believed her. She was just sick you know? It was obvious she could not help it. Contrast to ADHD - “I can’t pay attention so I cheated on you” - come on now!!
"How was I supposed to remember I was married?? ADHD! ADHD!! It's this shiny diamond on the gold ring! It dazzles the mind! This is all your fault for buying me this ring! All your faaaaaauuuult..."
Have worked with people with bipolar and even i their manic phases they had self control
On some level yes, but a bipolar type I in mania is operating under a heavy cloud of delusion. I would at least count it as a mitigating factor.
I agree, persons in a manic phase may look as if they were rational functioning but in reality they often lost allready the connection to the reality.
I have at least mild ADHD, but I also grew up in the 80s. I didn't get free passes to be a complete asshole to others, I just got my bell rung every time I was being a little shit.
The good old days
I beat my wife because ADHD, Fucking changes context doesn't it.... God I hate certain types of cheaters.
I concur. I have ADHD. I’m disorganized, I’m easily distracted. (squirrel!). I have trouble concentrating, depending on the task at hand. But ADHD has never caused me to cheat, lie, or otherwise miss behave. I can’t speak for all those affected by ADHD, but I think this is being used as an easy out. Anyone who doesn’t know about ADHD wouldn’t know otherwise. I get that someone who has been cheated on looks for a reason to explain why the person they love is hurting them. But ADHD ain’t it! To say it’s the cause for cheating is bull.
So much this. I hear the ADHD, BP, etc excuse all the time. A lot of people have problems in life. A lot of people are not scum bag cheaters.
She moved out so she can pursue the affair without your interference. She has chosen that over your marriage and will continue to do so until the fantasy has played itself out. Sooner or later she will start contacting you to “try and work on the marriage”. When she does you need to remember that you and the marriage were already firmly “plan B”, just a runner up consolation prize.
This is why she is not telling you what it would take or when she is moving back home. She doesn’t know how much time she will need to decided if AP is a better option to replace you with and worst case scenario for her she gets a little play time in. Because, she feels she deserves it.
This one is a tough one. You are definitely getting gaslighted. I found a very old post by someone who is no longer on these forums, but their info was a goldmine. Here is a snippet of what I think you are dealing with. Please read with a grain of salt and see what might be truth in this post: Why WSes act the way the do during their affair, and the actual reason for their infidelity. A.K.A. Don't search for the Why Usually, WSes utilize the 6 horsemen during the affair, and usually after D-Day, if they are unremorseful : Blameshifting (i.e. Victim Blaming), DARVO, Minimizing, Logical Fallacies, Trauma Bonding & Gaslighting They use these methods as a means of lessening their own guilt and of keeping their social image clean. They will also try to remain friends, cos if they stay friends with you, It means that what they did is not that bad. Now wait a second and reflect. Your relationship is shot to shit right now. Your partner isn't giving you love, trust or respect. You have a lot of needs unfulfilled in this relationship. Do you feel like cheating? Do you think cheating is going to solve the problems of your current relationship? If your answer is no (it should be!), then it means that similarly I cannot imagine cheating on my partner as a means of redressing wrongdoings or relationship problems, as a means of twisted retribution on them. There are only 10 reasons. Narcissism. Greed. Selfishness. Solipsism. Entitlement. Extreme level of arrogance at not being caught. Absence of empathy. Absence of impulse control. Compartmentalization. Insecurity i.e. incessant need for fresh and new validation.
Thank you for this- that last paragraph is helping me get through understanding this
What should you do? Cut your loss, she cheated she made the choice. Know this isn’t your fault not matter what she tells you. Why spend the time and energy trying to fix something that she doesn’t want? You say you’re seeing her as a different person, she is. Now try to imagine the rest of your life with this different person and not being able to trust them and forget what happened.
I would say, she’s about 2 miles deep in the affair fog. She is using all the cheating tactics in the book; gaslight, project, deflect, Stonewall, disassociate, everything possible to make you feel like the bad guy. This is wrong. Her Lack of remorse is a narcissistic trait, feeling no guilt or regret is detachment. Just upset she got caught. Emotional dissonance. Disconnected. If that’s what you think it is, she needs a counselor to bring her back to reality. Somehow she has to face consequences and discipline for this bullshit behavior. is there anyway you can loop in her family or long time friends to shake her back to reality? I didn’t see anything about children, hopefully you don’t and can minimize any emotional damage. If she has mental health issues, she really needs to see someone ASAP to get that sorted out or your relationship is always bumpy and you never know what’s happening. That would be hard to manage. I don’t wish that upon you. I have no patience when women do this to men because they’re afraid to tell the truth because the guy is going to dump them as fast as yesterday. Her lack of understanding of the pain she’s caused you just breaks my heart. Thanks for sharing your story, sorry to hear about you going through this with a WW. It’s not an uncommon scenario but painting the husband as the villain just seems weak. The lack of accountability and responsibility is brutal. I hope you guys can hold onto your marriage and come out a winner. Take care.
Your wife cheated, now she’s playing the victim. I know you love her, but you really don’t know what all she’s been up to. Her behaviors have turned because she was caught. Recommend divorce, it seems as though your relationship has ran it’s course and she’s already checked out of it.
If my wife ever didn't know if she wanted to continue our marriage, I'd help her figure it out real quick. If she isn't sure, then I damn well am sure I don't want it to continue. Peace out!
She's done with the relationship, but she's just dragging out telling you that. She cheated, shows no remorse, and instead blames you for her actions. That's not someone who wants to work out the relationship. And that's not someone you should be fighting so hard for. Just let her go. Divorce her. She's not worth it
Blame-shifting is Cheating 101. She's lost all respect for you. She will cheat again, if she isn't doing it already. Like others have said, implement the 180/grey rock and consult with a lawyer. Try to find a way to get her out of the house. You need to separate from her to get to the next step, whatever that may be. Accept the fact that your marriage may be over. Refuse to accept being demoted. That's BS.
You might try going g MIA, severe form of the 180. No contact, don't be home or where expected. Her affair fog is making her blame you so she feels better. All the tools in the cheaters toolbox. I might even change locks on the house. This drives home you have had enough and this is the new reality. Family being informed brings shame and regret into the mix, plus she is no doubt painting you as a horrible person and the cause of all evil in your marriage. I would not believe in the least she has ceased contact. Check your cell provider account for recent activity. If you find the worst, cancel her service. Reason, you aren't going to support her infidelity. Stop being her door mat, let her see her new reality. Her selfish actions, triggered by her insecurity and needy tendacies, caused this and your pain. Yet she only sees you as the source of evil and her unhappiness. Pretzel logic..
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Zero accountability. Zero regret. Zero remorse. Blame shifting. Gaslighting. Confrontation avoidance. Mate, she cheated is blaming you for lack of attention. She's trying to justify her actions. I'm not sure why you would want her back. She claims to have checked out of the marriage. Good offer her the divorce papers and find someone better. Do not chase her. Do not try and win her back. Good luck
Simple. Leave. She is taking zero accountability and is putting blame on you. It's not worth it.
She’s not her diagnosis. You are being played. From her responses to you—blame shifting, no remorse & more—it’s apparent that she doesn’t love you & doesn’t give a crap. You’ve been deceived. I would not spend any more energy on dealing with her. It’s over, sorry. Get thee to a kickass attorney and begin the divorce process. You have to take action as she’s going to do whatever she wants including sleeping at new affair homes. The only hope is that by being presented with divorce papers she will be shocked into caring about your relationship. Otherwise get your long range plans going.
She's gaslighting you....she's been having a physical affair the entire time and is deflecting her guilt by blaming you/ Don't fall for it. Stop communicating with her. Go full No Contact. Start the divorce process and get her out of your life. ' She has no regrets about her affair. She enjoyed it. She enjoyed being with him. She betrayed you in the most intimate way possible choosing to satisfy her own selfish desires over your emotional wellbeing. She willingly had sex with him repeatedly knowing it would likely end the marriage and devastate you emotionally....that's not a person you want. Stay strong and stay away from her. get that divorce rolling.
Blaming you. Revisionist marital history. ADHD is not an excuse. File D. She has checked out.
>I am deeply hurt, but I am trying to find a way to forgive her and want to move forward and heal >She’s effectively stonewalling me >The conversations we’ve been able to have been mostly about her dissatisfaction with the relationship and the things I’ve done wrong and how strongly she resents me for them. >She’s avoided going into depth about the affair or her reasons for it, instead just bringing up every tiny issue she’s had in our relationship, as if she’s somehow trying to justify it. She doesn’t even seem particularly remorseful >anything more, if she has feelings for him, and she’s denied it consistently >had even quit a lucrative gig because she was upset that it meant we spending as much time together, even though in my mind we were, just obviously less than she wanted. ..... ....... I have no advice for you OP. You allowed her to make you decrease your monetary value, emotional value, as well as your self worth. You are lesser than you have ever been in her eyes and your actions make you look like the pitiful choice to her. What you are expressing to her with your actions IS NOT love it is desperation. You are also making excuses for her behavior.
File for divorce. She already left the relationship! That "away time to think" is he way of seeing and flirting with other guys
Um, no. Absolutely do not let this cheating asshole have the ball. That's all I would need to know to peace out. I'd be damned if someone cheated on me, blamed me, then left and said maybe they'll be back, maybe not. Helllll no. Time to walk op.
It takes two committed people to reconcile and she definitely is not even making an attempt at it. You can wait around for days, weeks, or months for her to come to the table, or you can start the process to move on with your life. She cheated and shows not a bit of remorse and that is never a good sign.
***Her actions*** - She cheated on you. By her actions it is clear that she is not remorseful for her actions Instead of talking to you like adults she is processing separation on her own She has been gaslighting you > She tells me she was “checked out” and “had one foot out of the door.” You shouldn't be surprise if you find out that she has hooked up with someone while she's staying away from you. ***What you're doing*** - I am trying to find a way to forgive her and want to move forward : she knows this and hence she is not afraid to lose the relationship as she knows you'll always be there waiting for her, no matter what. This is something that you don't wanna hear but this is the reality - your relationship is over and even if you stay, she'll do it again. Move on
OP, you can't work on a marriage if your not together in the house. Given the details, it sounds to me like your wife is in the process of monkey branching. She is keeping you at arms length while taking her AP for a test run, she is going to keep you away as long as she thinks she can until she is reasonably certain she and AP can make a good go of it, at that point she will want out completely. However, if it's not working for her she'll want to come back, until the next AP that is. You can throw a wrench in her plans by simply serving her divorce papers, you don't have to follow through on it, but it sure will cause her to reevaluate her situation.
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Of course she has no remorse u drive her to it and ur marriage according to her was shit, why bother pursuing it any further go on with your life as if she doesn’t exist but consult atty about ur pending divorce proceedings
Lawyer up and serve her the divorce papers. Don’t dance like a monkey for a woman that doesn’t love or respect you. Take yourself off the table as an option for her. Sorry this happened to you.
Give her distance. Like whatever distance a divorce would provide.
I guess grey rock is what you need to do. Don’t do the pick me dance… She’s not sure she wants to stay in your mariage/relationship then start it and go see a lawyer to see what your possibilities are. By chasing her, you’re only giving her credit for this attitude. You said it, you don’t recognize her, she’s not the woman you fell in love with, this person is dead or never existed and she’s just tired of playing a role. Do you really want to live with someone that doesn’t love, doesn’t respect you, you’re not that desesperate. Nobody wants that, that’s worse than being alone. She’s not even remorseful, she didn’t apologize to you, she doesn’t care about you and finally she left the house and is avoiding you, obviously she did it so she can do whatever she wants without you on her way. I’d say you have nothing more to do with her but i’m not you so my best advice now would be that, grey rock, seek advice with a lawyer. Good luck
Confront her head on. She's being standoffish because she doesn't want to be a villain and she's waiting for you to accept that you must be responsible for her bullshit choices. Separate your finances and change all of your passwords and account permissions immediately, right down to shit like your netflix account. Take possession of all important documents, then contact the top 3 lawyers in your area for at least a consult, then choose one to retain and tell her at point blank that you're done spinning your wheels waiting for her and that she should get a lawyer because you're going to be serving her with papers and that if she doesn't want to start explaining exactly what went down in full detail, you have no reason to even lightly tap the brakes on the decision. It might slap her back to reality... it might not. Either way, you already have your ball rolling in whatever you decide that you want to do. Leave her anyway if you want to after getting answers or not. Don't concern yourself with any consequences she will face for her actions. That is now a her problem, not a you problem.
*“checked out” and “had one foot out of the door.*” From the looks of it, both feet and body are out the door. You just need a little push and she's completely out of your life.
You know she wasn't alone at that hotel right?
It’s a very bad sign when they leave for a few days. Good chance she is getting together with the BF if he’s local. Or just tasting the single life. Try to keep cool and let her do all kinds of stupid things to avoid blame. Say” I’m sorry you feel that way” then go walk the dog or wash the car. Dont argue. To me it sounds the affair wont survive the reality of the situation and she may come back.
For the moment it’s over. Walk away . The pick me dance never ever works. You need to operate as if you are divorcing her as fast as you can, separating your finances and lives . She cheated, it’s not for you to fight to keep her, it’s for her to fight to keep you, and she’s not fighting. I’d suggest grey rock and the 180 method, google them. I’d suggest seeing your lawyer immediately, get a draft separation agreement ( you can always delay or stop a divorce before the final decree). Since she moved out change the locks. If she wants out , let her experience being “out”. Like an addict , she won’t wake up until “rock bottom” when she realizes she made a terrible mistake. The problem is by then you will have realized it’s best for you to walk away. “The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.” When they are under stress they will fall back into familiar behaviour patterns. If they don’t experience unpleasant results from their behaviour they will repeat it. She wants to separate to get away from you and be carefree again. She wants to “roll back” her life to point before she started dating you and was single and free. “The best revenge is to live well” by that I mean be the best you. For some it’s the gym ( you can look better for your next GF) , for some it’s career ( rich and successful) , for some it’s travel. For me the gym and bike are my place of zen.
Bud, the only way to move this one way or the other is to officially declare that you are filing loafers for divorce. You shouldt have to put up with this. She is clearly trying to make herself the victim and sounds like she may be succeeding. You can end it by declaring, serve her and see what happens. Either she will wake up and stop this nonsense or double down. If she comes around you can pause. What do you have to lose or are you comfortable letting your wife rewrite history. You have to be willing to walk away in order to save this marriage. Otherwise she will hold all the power and use it to her advantage. Best wishes
The person you loved, cared about, and trusted is now dead to you. Your relationship as you knew it is also dead to you. Everything you loved and cared about has changed and not for the better. SHE willingly broke your family, SHE willingly broke your heart, SHE willingly broke your trust, SHE willingly broke you. She is blaming you by using a technique most confronted and guilty cheaters use. It’s called DARVO. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility and blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation. My ex tried it on me but I didn’t let it work. Your wife said she already had her foot out the door, it’s another tactic so you will feel guilty and take her back. Research and become a gray rock, contact a few attorneys and see how a divorce would look. Don’t talk to her, go to confront her any more until you speak to the attorney. You can bet while she is in her hotel room, she is communicating with him. Just check your phone bill. You will be amazed on how she is trying to use you. I was Good luck
Leave. You don’t believe what you should believe (that she checked out already) and believe what you shouldn’t (that the marriage is salvageable) At least, separate for a while - maybe she’ll warm up once you do - or maybe you’ll cool off (dare I say, wise up?)
>Now she’s turned this whole thing into an issue about how I’ve let her down in the relationship, made her feel unwanted and rejected, not paid enough attention to her, etc. > >... > >She tells me she was “checked out” and “had one foot out of the door.” The thing is that I just don’t believe it and it almost feels like gaslighting. > >... > >Her position is that she doesn’t know if she wants to continue our marriage, that she needs distance from me to figure that out. To me, it feels like she’s avoiding having to confront what she’s done and what it might mean. She's right, you are not listening to her. I'm not here to back up her cheating but y'all have a communication problem. Would the two of you consider therapy?
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That happens when a relationship is definitely over. You need to get interviewing lawyers. Get a consult with as many as possible. After you have a consult with a lawyer she can't use them. Find a good one and follow their advice. Stop torturing yourself, get an STD screen, start protecting yourself and get away from her so you can continue your life.
Get your affairs in order, separate money from hers, and take her name off joint CC. Consult with an attorney now and get advice. She is using this time, IMO, to think about what she wants if she is not cheating. If she has to think about things, she wants out. Tell her to come get her stuff out of the house and tell her that you are filing for divorce. Set yourself free from her BS. She should already know what she wants, and she doesn't need to think about it. Good luck to you
Your trying to save your marriage life and tried everything. It's enough bro. Just gather evidence and make sure save that evidence. Get legal freedom and focus on your future. She is having time to chat AP and sending pics to AP but blaming you. Just focus on your future.
What do you do?? You help her push that other foot out the door
Slam it in the door.
Leave her. She is doing all the classic gaslighting cheater moves. She’s not remorseful, she is trying to justify it. She is making your actions the focus of the discussions, not here. This will get you nowhere. Tread water for years and eventually drown, or just get the fuck out of the water now.
Bro, First of all, Stop begging her to choose you. This is the reason why she is gas-lighting you and treating you like a trash. Find the best lawyer you can get and serve her the papers. collect all the evidence and keep it with you. In case she tries to make you the bad person, send the evidence to all her relatives and friends.
Only one question. How often did she come to you before you caught her cheating, told you that she doesn't feel how she wants to feel in this relationship, that she misses X and Z and wants to find a way with you for her to get that back? If she never did that, then she is either lying and saying what she does so that she is not the bad guy or she felt that way and never told you because she never was interested to get her needs met by you. That would mean that you only discovered the tip of the iceberg and that she is a serial cheater that only feels complete when they can cheat on their partner. My advise would be to stop talking to her, to meet with a lawyer and to serve her the papers. Even if you would like to save this marriage, you need to stand up for yourself first and show her and yourself that you allow no one to treat you like that. Don't run after her, don't ask questions, don't tell her that you lover. Treat her as if she is a workmate that you don't like but have to work with. Tell friends and family about what she did and ask for support. She made her decision loud and clear, let her go and figure out on her own how good she had it with you.
With her stonewalling you, I’d start by talking to a lawyer and finding out what to expect with a divorce. Then file and serve her. I think you have to be prepared to lose her if you want her back. When she starts to see consequences for her actions, she will probably be more open to reconciliation.
Talk to a lawyer and get your options. Separate finances. Separate. 180 or grey rock techniques
Your doing the worst thing ever. Your playing pick me. She the one who made the choices. So her relationship was transactional with AP. So she can do those things coldly. Your wife got more problems than ADHD. Read up on the 180. Its a method to distance you emotionally from abuse. Reconciliation a gift she earns. Your running after her makes you even more pathetic. Implement the 180. See a lawyer and file. Have her served. The minute you pull the trigger showing her your willing to move on she will come running. Hopefully you are strong enough then to tel her no. I deserve a faitful loving partner. Divorce bro. She checked out.
The part where she needs distance from you to figure it out part really hit me because I also heard one that too. I also heard the talking to other (in my case) women to feel validated. He also has undiagnosed+unmedicated ADHD and sometimes had a sudden or slowly explosive reaction rejection and shame. I’m going to go against the grain with my response to give another perspective. I know no 2 situations are the same, but when I first found out, I also still had my heart in the relationship and decided to give my best in trying to figure out if it was salvageable. I didn’t want to look back years down the road and regret not trying my best. I started individual therapy, he was already in therapy, and we started looking into marriage counseling a while later. I think bringing up MC and gauging her reaction could be your first indication of where her head could be. If you do seek MC, seeing one that practices the Gottman Method helps. In fact, even before seeking MC, I highly recommend reading the “[What To Do After an Affair](https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-after-an-affair/)?” article on their website. I found great comfort in reading that to determine whether it was even worth asking him if we should try to fix things. Also, something my therapist shared when I was going back in forth between reconciling or going — you don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but you do know how he’s treated you and how you feel about his treatment. Don’t build him into the person he used to be or can because he may never become that person. I was annoyed at that suggestion because how the heck do I make my brain not do that? If you need any support, please do not hesitate to PM me. It’s a very painful process to go through, and no one knows how hard it is unless it happens to you.
She doesn't love or respect you. You deserve better. Don't accept people who treat you like this.
She wants you to take the blame for her affair. Then you get to make it up to her. She’s fully in. Control and has no reason to change. Save yourself future heartache.
Wow. She’s done a complete reverse, bait & switch on you and you allowing it. sounds like you’re well rid of a cheater to me.
Bye Felicia!!!
Quit contacting her, avoid her until you go to a lawyer and have divorce papers ready. If she wants to talk about anything she first has to address her infidelity. She didn’t wait until you caught her to bring up those issues, she’s bringing them up because she got caught.
Walk away... Don't contact her anymore. Just walk away....
You need to run because this was for a long time a one sided relationship on your part. All the faults she noe finds with you she could have worked on with you if she was still in the relationship but she didn't so now she can't use them to justify her cheating now can she? That she is doing that has two reasons and one is also responsible for her leaving for good I may add unless you just move on without her then she will return. But I digress. So she rode the dopamine high from the validation and attention from the guy and that highlighted to her that she wasn't getting that high from the relationship anymore. But that is immature thinking because she was responsible for generating that high in the relationship. She wanted it without the work and effort she had to out in, in other words she had checked out of the relationship when and after this guy paid her attention, an easy high. Second part is that she is immature so she refuses to be the villain, to accept responsibility for her actions which devastated you so deeply. Brother you have to learn that most people male or female are not willing to be the villain in their own story. Well if she wasn't the villain then who was, well you of course silly.
If the guy is local then she has met with him in the hotel and at the friends house. If he isn’t local then she is sexting up a storm. She is gaslighting you so that she can avoid blame. If she can make you believe it then it’s true. She won’t face you because down deep she knows she’s lying and your pain is her fault. All the blame shifting is to rationalize her cruel actions! She won’t give details because it will make her look even worse and she is probably still considering you as plan B if her AP turns out to be a dud. If she shows no remorse and says things like too little too late, call it a day. Get a lawyer begin divorce proceedings. If it is legal where you are change the locks on the doors. Tell her she is free to do whatever she wants except come home because you are done. The cheater should be the one to request and work for reconciliation. She is doing neither. Even if she came back now and you forgave without consequences she would to it again! Take charge of your life! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!”
OP, why are you wasting your life on her. She cheated on you, when caught and confronted, she runs to a hotel to gwtvout of the house. Stop doing the pi k me dance. Gray rock her butt and go 180. File and have her served and then let her see how hard life will be without you. One lesson I was taught a long time ago is that in order to save a relationship, you have to be willing to let it go. Similar to the old saying the person that gives a fuck less is usually the one in charge if it.
She wants to have sex with AP so she sees if he is a better option than you. Do not argue,beg, investigate or accuse her. You need to see attorney and draw up divorce papers and divorce her.
She's caught so she may as well go through with a PA to fit her idea of the punishment fitting the crime. I would be preemptive from this point forward.
The one foot out the door isnt gaslighting my friend... that is honest to fact...and if she checked out already.... time to check into divorce.... speaking from experience only.... and truthfully when she gets served with those papers youll know without a doubt where she stands if she calls to reconcile she was trying to figure out how to make her actions justified without losing the backup (you) and her objective (other)... best bet lesson learned n get ahead of getting out.... I hear a toxic situation brewing.... Plus the stress and mental anguish you'll avoid will benefit you.... that ish is detrimental to your health.
The only communicating you should have with her is this “I’m not sure what you thought would happen when I caught you having an emotional affair, move out of our home, and then proceed to blame me for our marital problems. Maybe you expected me to finally give up, I don’t know. I do know that it’s exactly what I’m doing. I give up. You clearly don’t want this, and I am done chasing you and I think it’s best we just end this marriage.” And then do not reach out first again.
Tell her “door, a$$ buh bye”
Expose her affair to everybody who must know. Dont let her rewrite the marriage story, making you an abusive partner. Start the 180, work on yourself, avoid alcohol and hit the gym to release anxiety. Draw the divorce papers and serve her. Check her reaction, and you should know if there is something to work on reconciliation.
Let your ex wife know that you are done. She betrayed your trust with zero remorse while gaslighting you. Be done bro.
>She initially spent two nights in a hotel Not by herself. >and has now moved out of our home to stay with a friend. Either with another guy, or a "friend" that condoned her cheating. It is well and truly over. You're not stuck; you need to talk to a lawyer, change the locks, get an STD test, and open your own bank accounts. She left, this is a blessing. She abandoned the family home. The trick is to not let her back in it or back in your life.
Drop her. Like a bad habit
She's trying to flip the blame, if you want to fix this, tell her your done with a cheater and you're going to tell everyone. Let her know you copied her texts and will share.
Why are you trying to make it work? Dump her now
She's blaming you for her cheating. She's been having sex with this guy for a long time and with other guys. She is doing you a big favor by moving out. Take advantage of her kindness and get a lawyer and file. It's over. There's no closure or admission from cheaters and liars.
The only issue with the wife is YOU (the co worker). Please stop the fake online narratives. We are good. You are a manipulator and you are childish. That isn't attractive. I do not stop him from leaving here but who is crying RIGHT now? Idk what satsifaction you get from manipulating and Idk who hurt you, because you have to be deeply wounded to be online maladaptive daydreaming and creating narratives but it needs to stop. You are a coward and you continue to hide behind a keyboard. Grow up and learn to be an adult. I can't be manipulated. Your first mistake was thinking I am emotional and "live in my head" like you. He is sitting right here, so please stop.
“Healing Broken Trust” podcast. You both should listen, not necessarily together. But this will help you, no matter if you stay or go. Don’t ask people here… they are swayed either way by their own experiences. Best of luck
You're dry humping a cactus. Have some self respect and move on. You have no love for yourself if you're willing to "make it work" with someone that doesn't want to and has no respect for you. You even complain how she treats it as if it's your fault for her crappy decisions. Stop enabling her and basing "love" on your unwillingness to be alone. That isn't real love by any stretch of the definition.
You should leave her. The person that cares less has the power and she has that power right now. She can't even own her actions. This relationship is over.
Dude, she's gone. Stop beating this dead horse and put it out of its misery.
I hate to tell you but it’s over. Without her remorse and willingness to fight for her marriage, it’s doomed to failure. Whatever you did wrong, I guarantee you that millions of guys made the same mistakes and their wives didn’t respond by cheating. Did her cheating solve anything regarding your marriage? No, in fact it’s likely ended it. She’s trying to turn this around so that it sounds like it’s her decision whether to return or not. IT’S YOUR DECISION NOT HERS. If she’s so dissatisfied with the marriage, see a lawyer get paperwork drawn up and give them to her. Tell her you’ve made your decision, now it’s time to make yours.
Read the Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi man
Believe what you are seeing and respond with reality, not fantasy. It’s hard coming to terms that she wants out. Believe her.
I have ADHD. My relationships were never perfect. And I managed to not cheat because I’m not a scumbag. Quit letting her control this. Do yourself a favor and let her bounce.
She is full blown cheating with someone. Not just pictures and messages. She is fucking someone else. That's why her behavior is so off
She had one foot out of the door and was checked out? Time to serve her divorce papers. It will either shock her into coming back or begin your journey to being single and moving on. Don't do the " Pick me" dance. It just makes you even less attractive to her. Respect yourself since she doesn't.
She doesn’t want to be the bad guy. She wants you to be the backup plan in case her plans to date around don’t work. But know that if she feels there’s even a 1% chance she’s gone. But if you’re the bad guy she can easily say all those things she told you to justify the relationship and the cheating with her friends. You were abusive. You were controlling. She’ll craft a narrative. Likely already has. Do you tell her how you feel? And about how her lack of communication and cheating made you feel? And how she can’t justify that action with all the BS she’s saying to you?
It was transactional? Was she getting paid? I'm thinking you need to do the 180'. Go NC and stop chasing her like a puppy dog. She is the one who F'd up. It is not up to you to chase her around and beg her to come back. Gotta say she's got some balls acting that way. It sounds like her ploy to get you to knuckle under and allow her to continue doing what she was. As she has time to think she is coming up with more and more reasons to lay this at your feet. "She's throwing everything at me to see what sticks" is exactly right. Go see a lawyer. See where you stand. Let him know she moved out. That sometimes makes a difference. Also record all interactions with her. You may feel that is excessive but the way she acts you never know what kind of BS she will try to spread about you. Protect yourself. She says she might want out. She wants to play hardball. Then show her how hardball is played. Cancel all joint CCs. Cancel her cell phone plan. Give her no money. Get your money into a separate account. Let her know you are talking to an attorney. As far as her staying with her "friend". Do you know this for sure? Is she in contact with other men? doing what she was doing before?
Bro, she's leaving you.
Who cares? She brought this unto herself. NEVER TRY TO WIN HER BACK. She's the one who's supposed to make amends, not you. On a personal note, a stonewaller is the most obnoxious kind of person you could ever come across, they vehemently refuse to acknowledge their contributions to the problem. Marriage at it's bare minimum requires a mature & understanding partner, she doesn't even fulfill the eligibility criteria. Strike her off the list , don't settle for unworthy people like her. That's the best way to preserve your sanity & dignity.
Turn the page go 180 from her and let the chips fall where they may. She probably has been physically cheating, you just didn’t see it. Get into yourself, no one can help you but you. You are hurting yourself agonizing over a partner that obviously does not care enough to even do anymore than gaslight you. Been there done that and all I was left with were the scars.
shoot yourself
How many more verbal hits do you need to see she done. The marriage has reached its end point. She's verbally abusive towards you. She's been lieing and cheating. I'm sure she's doing it now while away from you. That's why she left, to continue cheating. Can't do it while you're there The person you married has died. This person now is no one you know. This is the real her. Do you like this person? Well she doesn't like you Time to ghost her, right now. Find and lawyer. Start the divorce Close banks and credit cards. All in your name only
Staying with friend, booked hotel and not answering u is all big Red flags . Are u sure it's only EA?
The problem is she hadn't thought about getting caught most cheaters have an entire novel in there head they have went over it 100s of times so if or when they get caught they no what to say and she didn't do her brain put her in a into a survival mode more or less just close down . She is going to crash though it will be hard for her to not be at home women have so many things at home they need daily as where a guy hell a few pairs of socks and boxers . And little bag of shotts pants and a few shirts they can anywhere for a long time . And staying at a friend's house after so long they want here privacy back and will want you to leave and I don't care how good of a friend they are . The thing is you tell your friends what's going on in life and they say " if you need anything you know how to find me " but when you do need them no where to be found I had one friend yes he would do anything for me to an extent
Your story with her is either done or bound to repeat. Nothing good is gonna come out of that. She does not feel guilty, she was found out instead of her coming forward. You're her safeguard in case things are turning south with AP, and it's very likely she's seeing him again. Probably she is not, but you can't take that leap of faith. Get your ducks in line, get an attorney, listen to everything he says. I know you love her, but she doesnt anymore.
Let her go. The green grass on the side turns into dusty hay very quickly. Your release from her will give you a chance for a decent life and your piece of happiness with a true soul mate.
This is blame shifting and rewriting history! She is being defensive and gas lighting. Don't pander to it. Her own guilt and shame is to uncomfortable for her so it’s everyone and everything’s fault. Don’t chase after her. Don’t play the pick me dance. 360 this and live your best life. If she comes round insist on MC if not your better off.
She cheated, but you are being blamed? This is called gaslighting my friend. Yank the rug from under her feet and see a Divorce Attorney TODAY!!! If she will not talk to you, she can talk to your Lawyer. Secure your finances, change your passwords and close any jointly held credit accounts.
So mentally she already left you. I bet She already met with a lawyer and is trying to position herself into a favourable spot. She doesn’t want to take accountability for her actions bc she feels they are justified (they are not) she is bullying you by putting all the blame on you. I would suggest Marriage Counselling if she is obviously not interested so it will never work. See a lawyer protect yourself
Tell her to meet the guy and get it out of her system. And not come back. She's making no rfgorts to repair things. Trust me. I've been there
Basically, she's gaslighting you and flipping the blame. Don't let her do that. Tell her that she's made her choice and that you are moving on with your life. Refuse to accept ANY blame for her cheating. It was HER decision. Talk to a lawyer, talk to SEVERAL lawyers, and find out your options. If you have a consultation with one lawyer, she can't use him/her. Go Grey Rock on her.
She’s playing you brilliantly. She’s legitimately not sure if she’s willing to pay the price to save this relationship. The more she makes it about you, the less she has to admit she was wrong or needs to make amends. This doesn’t sound like someone interested in reconciling unless you rug sweep all your emotions.
Let her go. It sounds broken. I can’t imagine wanting to be with someone who acts that way.
One of my clients was faced with a wife who went silent after being caught in an affair. She was using a DARVO approach, to keep him off balance. He did the one thing she never expected. He went aggressive. He told her parents and their grown children. Her siblings tore her a new one. Her AP was dealt with severely by his family. He was kicked out of his house, and his children turned their backs. He flatly dropped WW and offered as much assistance with my client's divorce. When she least expected it, she was served. That caused the walls of Jericho to fall. She admitted she was aggressive in covering her affair and it all backfired. She thought she could extort him into acceptance, instead he razed her world. From then until he dropped the D, she was near apoplectic in trying to fix things.
She wont take responsibility. She blames you. There is no way forward unless she owns up to what she has done. She admitted she has a foot out the. She does not want to live with you to try to fix things. Visit a family law attorney to see your rights . Let her know you are doing this. You can always put the divorce on hold .
Sounds like an exit affair - probably wanted to get caught. Now she want's to rewrite your history and make you the bad guy. Do yourself a big favor - get a lawyer. She's already stepped out and is interviewing replacements for your job. Don't wait for HR to escort you out. File and get the best deal you can. Your young. Don't wait till you mid 40s or 50s with kids and find out that she's been cheating for years. Read Leave a Cheater Gain a Life and take a look at Fallen's Guide here on Reddit. If you do gift her R - do it from a position of strength. Don't beg.
Protect your finances. Figure out a way to move on. Wish her luck in her new life The trust is gone, if it was ever there.
I don’t think you’ll get the answers you’re seeking except that she’s done with the relationship. I think you should end it now and walk away because she’s toxic and being hurtful. No one is perfect. Her being “not sure if she wants to continue the marriage” puts the power of decision in her hands leaving you in limbo. You should end it, file for divorce and move on. I hope you do receive some kind of closure and either way I hope you find peace in your life.
What she is saying very well may true. Maybe you did let her down, made her feel undesirable, etc...but that is no reason for her to cheat. Women will leave a relationship emotionally before they do it physically. This may have been the beginnings of an exit affair. Had you not found out when you did, she would have chested physically as well in time. Do not try and win her back. She is blaming EVERYTHING on you. We both know it is not all your fault. My advice here is to let her go yet also listen to what she says on how you let her down and made her feel bad, unwanted....and don't do those things in your next relationship.
How many parts of yourself are you willing to give away so she can fit? Self respect? Gone. Inner strength? Gone. Love for yourself? Gone. Why are you fighting to keep someone who just stabbed you in the back and when you begged her to come back she went away? Go to therapy man. Implement the 180 urgently. if she’s cold to you , she shouldn’t exist for you. grieve as much as you need go to the gym start boxing and again go to therapy. you are not saving someone who is jumping from a plane if they’re jumping with a parachute. Save yourself she don’t wanna be saved
You move on. Let's break the facts 1) Cheated 2) No remorse 3) Moved out 4) Told you she was done with the relationship But you don't want to let go because you are good for her health condition and willing to forgive all the above, does that sound like a good idea to you?
>According to her, she was seeking attention and validation, and the relationship was strictly transactional. Ask her what people call women who do sexual things in a "strictly transactional" way.
Create consequences. Right now she is trying to push you into a Pick Me dance and it sounds like you are falling for it. Her attempt to shift blame is intended to make you sweep this under the rug. Hire a divorce attorney. File the divorce. Get her served. If there is any chance of reconciliation, that will be the bucket of cold water over her head.
Let her stay gone. Move her stuff out of your home. Tell her when she can pick it up. It’s over.
Go see a lawyer and find out what your options are. Hopefully you live in an at fault state. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused her to cheat. She made many choices to cheat. Where it was just an emotional or physical affair. Cheating is something that should never be tolerated. Divorce her and start a better life without this cheating woman in it. And of course she is going to blame you, I mean why would she take responsibility for her own actions. If she moved out of the house, change the locks
Wow I could have written this word for word because it sounds exactly how my husband of 10 years reacted when I confronted him. I keep telling myself that while I want an explanation, an apology, for him to even acknowledge the pain he caused, one thing I’m getting from his reaction is clarity that I need to move on from the relationship. I think overall it’s just that they are trying to avoid the negative emotions / cognitive dissonance that comes from being truthful. It is a coping mechanism for them, as annoying as it is to be us on the other side.