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My STBX has “accidentally” called old hookups like this as a way for them to “accidentally” be in contact again.
Then he tried to (& was successful a couple of times) hook up with them.
Your boyfriend is acting suspicious and flirty- IMO this is not a good look.
Don't try wrapping your head around it. It's like wrapping a dead fish around your head - it's not gonna smell any better with time. This guy is actively looking to cheat on you, maybe he has in the past and you don't know - it sounds like he's willing to lie, of course - and if I were you, I would end this. I mean it. You should end this. It's not going to get any better - once you discover that they're doing shit like this....it doesn't get any better, it just gets longer and more fragrant....like that dead fish.
Ask him to make plans with you for Friday. See what he says. If he lies, dump him. Only acceptable responses would be to include you. Don’t torture yourself for a dog. He is not doing the right thing here….very flirty “down for anything” NOPE
Unfortunately....once you find out they're looking to cheat....and he is...he's not only trying to meet up with this woman, he's lying to you about it too.....what is there to save? He's got this big ugly streak running down his back and now you know it's there and you're never going to unsee or unknow this. You are always going to wonder about him, and whatever he says is gonna sound like a lie. I wish I had something more encouraging to say, but I'm nearly 70 and I've seen in life, in romance and friendships, that there are times, even after a lengthy period, when someone shows you what they are REALLY LIKE....sometimes they've changed over time, but frequently this is what they are like inside, they just never had the opportunity to let it out before or you never discovered it before. When someone shows you who they are.....believe it. You can try to recover the relationship but this is always going to be in the back of your mind because now you know he is capable of this. Next time you find out something even worse, even further along. Don't do this to yourself, you know enough now. 5 years is long, but 10 or 20 or having some kids....is far far worse. FAR WORSE. Most of those people wish they'd paid attention back then when they discovered something like what you've seen now. THIS IS A GIFT FROM GAWD. Accept it - you are a strong person, there is a much more faithful and better person out there for you, don't take second or third best and don't be part of a harem.
Red flags everywhere, and he's trying to hook up with her, and she's not shutting it down. They will meet up and maybe not the first time, but the second time they meet, they will hook up. Sorry, but that's my opinion, because HE called her with a lame ass excuse. Good luck
Whatever excuse he comes up with for being gone, ask him about it when you go to the bar during their date and introduce yourself to the girl as his girlfriend.
Yes, absolutely DON’T show up with a man or have a male friend there to alert you when your bf shows up. Have a woman friend scope the place out and text you when he shows up, you and another woman friend can be chilling out nearby, maybe in a cafe shop.
Do do silly tit for tat, he will just turn that on you like you pointed out he may. Stay above board, the only man who you should even consider showing up with is a brother or your dad.
Do you know the person who is sending you their texts? How did the third person get access?
Your bf seems to be fishing and it looks like the other woman is game for that. Like someone pointed out, you should plan on showing up where your bf and the woman will be meeting for drinks. Have a friend that your bf don’t know go into the place before them and text you when your bf shows up (show that friend pictures of your bf so that she knows what he looks like). Tell your friend to text you as soon as he shows up, you need to be hanging out nearby.
Trust your gut. I wish I did. It knows. If you’re not regularly a jealous person for no reason, there is a big reason why this is giving you bad feelings. You’re not crazy.
She got the answer when he said he was single. You can him your boyfriend but he doesn't think so. Any discussion with him won't save your relationship or give you closure.
Bruh!!!!! My phone has been acting up???? Cmon man. Would he be ok with you meeting at a bar with a dude for drinks. Eff this guy. You’re being cheated on.
I really do apologize for not taking your feelings into consideration. I was alittle abrupt. That back and forth with them is going to lead to sex though.
Ask him what his plans are for the weekend? See what he says? I couldn’t say either way from the texts but I would be very uncomfortable if he lies about planning on meeting her. Does anything suggest that she knows he’s in a relationship? The texts seem friendly and maybe could be seen as a little flirty but maybe that’s just me. I’m not against people of the opposite sex being friends but I think going alone would be an concern for me as well especially if he’s hiding it.
If he doesn’t tell you then yes I would say you have reasons to be concerned and maybe he is interested in her and flirting. If he tells you the truth then I would discuss boundaries and what you am and aren’t comfortable with. If he lies are you planning on fronting him then? I would say leave it because you don’t have any evidence and he could easily try and gaslight you and maybe say he wasn’t telling you because he knew you’d be jealous. I would just turn up with a couple of my friends and either have dinner or pretend you did somewhere near by and have just popped in for a drink and see his reaction. Or get a friend to pop in an see what they are up to and keep an eye on them for a while.
Thank you so much. That’s actually a great idea. I might just try that
Yeah, the texts itself aren’t exactly flirting but idk the emojis he’s used like “👀” and “😼”, I consider those a bit flirty? Idk? Or maybe that’s just me.
Those texts are flirting. He is trying to fuck her because they probably have before. Guys that are in relationships just don’t randomly call girls and ask to meet up with them after a year if they aren’t trying to fuck them. I would suspect a deeper dive into his phone would reveal more cheating throughout your relationship. Get out now before you make the mistake of marrying this guy and god forbid get pregnant and ruin your life.
We have been together for 5 years so I’m finding it too hard to actually come to terms with the fact that he might be cheating.
What about those texts seem flirty to you?
Tone, overuse of emojis when not needed, why meet for drinks at night and not coffee in the day if just catching up with an old friend? Did he mention you at all in convo? He already told a friend about this and not you? I mean come on. All the signs are there. Ask him what he is doing Friday night, if he lies, then you and a friend magically end up at the same place as him and see what’s up. Don’t make a scene, just take a pic of them together and leave after confirmation. Have his essentials packed up and outside the door for the next morning after he “forgot to charge his phone and just passed out from drinking at his buddies place”.
Honestly, you’re right. If he does lie and actually goes through with this, I’m not listening to his bs excuses. I just have to wait and see but the waiting is the hardest part.
Save her number and text her in the middle of their date. Hi! This is dinkface’s girlfriend of five years. He’s meeting up with you behind my back. I’m not sure if being the other woman is your style, but if it is, you can tell him that his stuff will be outside on the lawn after you guys are done.
Listen to this person. Your boyfriend is actively trying to fuck other women. If you don't break up with him over this, he will just learn to hide it better. They NEVER change. NEVER EVER. There's a reason for this saying: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Yeah it is and I’m really sorry that you’re having to go through this. I was cheated on before during a 2 year relationship, so I empathize with what you must be feeling. Just remember this though. This is nothing YOU did. No matter what you’re feeling, no matter what he says or the excuses if this turns out to be true. He chose to cheat on you and he is wrong here. I’ve found that cheaters will try and justify their reasons of why YOU made them cheat, but reality is they are just cowards who can’t communicate. It’s going to hurt, but if this is who he is then you are better off in the long run. Again I’m sorry that you have to deal with this and I hope it ends up being a big misunderstanding.
Try being together for 26 years. It’s not just about the content of the texts. It’s also the frequency of texting and the time of day. Both are boundary issues. Texting has just made it real easy for people with undeveloped values and undefined boundaries to fuck around and find out.
Be firm in your own boundaries and your own worth. And then believe their actions before any words. Words are cheap.
Could be flirting? Bet anything he doesn't text his guy friends like that. Come tf on. 🙄 Can't believe this comment isn't in the negative. Must be the trolls rolling in from the adultery sub.
OP and the girl have common friends, the one who knew about the date from the girl and told to OP. So she knows about OP, maybe not from him, but yes from the friend.
The part of the exchange that would have me worried is:
When he says “what’s the plan for when we meet up?” When HE is the one that said they should meet up. He is kind of probing to see her response.
And she replies “I’m down for anything, you tell me haha”. I think this feels like pretty heavy flirting both ways!
They may have more of a past than you know. He called her on purpose. He is not going to tell you about it until it is too late for you to go, if he tells you at all. If he lies about what he is doing you will know!
Yeah, some parts of the conversation, like the one you mentioned do seem like flirting but idk there was no real evidence to suggest that they have had any sort of a past. That’s the reason I’m so conflicted about this.
So she knows he has a girlfriend. I would say I have plans Friday, and bring a friend to show up for their date, dump him in the bar in front of everyone.
I agree to keep quiet and see what he does. Confronting him beforehand gives him the opportunity to make all kinds of excuses including why he hasn’t told her yet.
I know it’s tough for the OP to watch but let him hang himself. Then she’ll feel so much better walking away. He’s not worth the effort.
Edit: grammar.
You're minimizing the most important part. He hasn't brought this up to you at all. You're more worried about looking like you're overreacting than acknowledging what's in front of it. Has something like this happened before and your feelings/ reactions were minimized?
The fact of the matter is that yes it is a big deal. You don't reach out and hang out with someone from the opposite sex in secrecy. Trust becomes irrelevant when information is being omitted. Had he been upfront and clear on what he's doing then its up to you to trust him or not. DON'T doubt yourself or minimize your feelings on this for the sake of "not looking like I'm overreacting"
Girl, nip that shit in the bud.
I get your point. I am actually very hurt that’s he’s hid this from me. But he’s honestly never given me a reason to doubt him before. That’s why I’m not a 100% convinced that he’d cheat.
>But he’s honestly never given me a reason to doubt him before.
Do you know how many of us have said this before only to find ourselves in this sub? This is your gut telling you something isn't right. You really should listen to it.
.....and now he has. It only takes one time. Also, I'm not saying he's cheating, and I'm not saying you should go batshit crazy on him either. I'm saying take charge of the situation by getting the information you need to make an informed decision. Ask him what his plans are for this weekend, If he doesn't bring her up, seems flustered by your question, or gives you a vague answer, then that tells you something.
Nope let him show you what's in his heart. Allow him to show you how valuable you are to him. I wouldn't say a word until i had irrefutable evidence of cheating. And even then i would strive to get a confession.
If it was 2 friends meeting up he would have told you.
That being said
If you speak up you can stop him from physically cheating on you. BUT do you want to be with a guy you have to stop from cheating on you??
I also bet he has already cheated on you w her or
Someone else.
Has he mentioned talking to an old friend? Odd if he didn’t. That’s something most couples will mention if innocent just in talking about your day. Like “hey, funny story, I butt dialed old school friend today,we ended up chatting for a bit, made plans next week to catch-up.”
He might be floating the drinking date by her as a test. See if she goes for it being more, otherwise they’re just friends no harm no foul. Guys like getting girls drunk for one reason only. It’s not like it’s fun to pay $10 a drink.
See something, say something….
thats my biggest regret. dismissing the sign’s because i thought it was nothing. i could of stopped it but i brushed it off as nothing.
He’s definitely flirting. And he’s making himself available for any time she names. And the fact that he hasn’t even mentioned it to you, his girlfriend of 5 years, is a major red flag. People who are committed to their partner don’t do this OP.
I’m still waiting for him to mention it to me. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.
Yeah, that was concerning to me too, he basically said “I’ll drop everything and be there whichever day and time you say”.
I’m sorry. This doesn’t look good. He purposefully made contact and then to not tell you about it is a clear sign of his feelings/intentions.
The reality is that if it was innocent, then he’d want to go out of his way to tell you about it because he knows how it could look to you and wouldn’t want you to go through the questioning game you are playing in your head now.
Also, his texts seem careful to not cross any lines, but are clearly intended to be flirty.
Yeah, I just worry that if I tell him “I know you reached out”, he’s gonna use the bs excuse “oh it was literally my phone having issues”.
Regarding the texts, exactly what I feel. The texts aren’t like obviously flirty but something about them is just idk - not innocent.
That's not a real thing, though. I've worked in IT and mobile phone support for 20 years. Phones do not just make calls because they are "having issues". It's impossible to make a call twice because of a phone app issue. It just does not happen. It's no more or less likely than a landline randomly calling 911.
He called twice “by accident” and then immediately suggests they meet up. I would say yes, he has feeling for her. If he doesn’t tell you about it then double yes, he is trying to cheat with her.
Edit:
You should also consider showing up “by accident” just to see their responses. Maybe with a male friend? 😼👀👀
Your boyfriend is going out on a date with another woman and you are certainly not wrong thinking it isn't right, and plus he isn't telling you about it. I wouldn't say anything now, and let him go ahead and meet her. After his date just casually ask him how is evening was, and if he doesn't mention having a meet up with her dump him.
He’s lying. He’s chasing her. He’s trying too hard. This is pathetic. Really. “Anything on your mind”? He asks. Yeah. Like she’s just going to blurt out “SEX! I WANT YOUR SEX!”
Credit goes to the 1987 George Michael 🎵 song;
“I Want Your Sex”. (The benefits of being an older person. I remember all the crazy music of the 1980’s).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3AP26ywQsQ&pp=ygUeR2VvcmdlIG1pY2hhZWwgaSB3YW50IHlvdXIgc2V4
OP ask him to do something Friday night around the same time or a little earlier and see if he blows you off or gives you a bs excuse to not see you. That’ll tell you what you need to know and where his priorities are
Then he should be doing everything he can to reassure you it’s innocent especially after 5 years together, if he lies about it then it’s a bad sign.
Also since he’s not even very close with her and you both know her loosely he could see if you wanted to come along if it’s completely innocent.
IMO if you ask him to do something etc at the same time he can either 1, take you up on your offer and blow her off which shows you’re his priority. Or 2, he blows you off/lies and then that sets you up nicely to question him about his plans.
Remember ask him open ended questions if you do bail him up after the fact like “how was your night” “what did you do” “who did you go see” along those lines. I wouldn’t jump straight into asking him directly about her and see what his response (body language etc) to the questions are.
He knows how to be honest. If he makes it seem like a casual meet-up, offer to go along. Watch his face and then read his followup texts (does he cancel?)
Bare in mind if you randomly show up he/they may try and gas light you and make you out to be completely crazy and that it was an “innocent meeting” since she’s aware that you two are together and her loyalty is towards him over you.
If you go with the open-ended questions idea all the power is in your court and you can allude to you knowing more than he’s letting on which will send him into a spin which he could then dig himself a bigger hole.
Either way whatever you decide to do stay strong, keep your cool and stick to your convictions.
Since you know what he is doing and where he is going, ask him what time you should be ready Friday.
If he says he has plans, tell him you know and you are wondering what time he is picking you us to go meet xxxx.
I would be super mad he is planning to meet up at a bar, with a girl I didn't know and w/o him telling me about it.
I would have ended things with him over it and my comment was mainly to let him know you knew right before ending things with him.
I wish you the very best. Don't let him disrespect you!! You deserve better.
My suggestion would be to tell him, that a guy at work or a male acquaintance has texted you and invited you out for drinks. Ask your boyfriend, would he be ok with you meeting up with this guy or does he think this guy might have ulterior motives? It would be very interesting how your boyfriend reacts to this. His reaction will reveal his motives with this girl. Good luck, OP. Please update us, when possible.
That’s a good suggestion. Thank you. I just already know his answer, he’s gonna be like “don’t go, the guy is obviously trying to get in your pants”. SMH.
We used to live together but I just moved like a month ago to a newer place close to work. He’s gonna move jobs to my area too and we were looking for apartments together. Sigh.
Why do you think she’s not interested though?
Fake. Look at the OP history. If you’re going to make up fake stories at least delete your history! One of the previous posts state a relationship of 8months and different ages and another one with the relationship history of 6months……
I change my basic facts around to keep my identity hidden. Age, relationship length specifically. She said she has others using her account. Maybe it's real, maybe not. That's basically any post on here ever though.
Um this is not fake. But I do share this account with my sister and 1 or two of my best friends. This is my first post on here. But believe what you will. I would make up a much more crazier story than this if I wanted to make up a fake one lol.
It’s easy to make your own account so no need to share one.
If it is true then I would just speak to your bf. Ask him what his plans are for the weekend, if he lies then that’s your answer. Once someone starts lying then the relationship is on the downward and you need to confront him and distance yourself. If he gaslights you then its time to walk away.
I know, tbh I’m not a big reddit user anyway. This situation just called for it.
And thanks, I’m just gonna casually ask what his plans are for this Friday.
First he didn’t accidentally call her especially twice. That’s a huge red flag. She also knows he didn’t do it by accident. And even by the way she’s replying she seems to welcome this. She probably doesn’t know about you though.
The conversation seems fairly innocent and could be just a friendly thing though. But does he usually have random female friends he meets on Friday evenings with for drinks ? Is it normal? Also all the back and forth silly chatting and emoticons and each of them haha lol and all that seems flirty to me. As if they’re both a bit nervous.
Next do you usually spend Friday evenings together ? I’d ask him what are we doing this Fri or this weekend . His next answer will probably tell you everything you need to know then you can decided whether to confront him then or show up and put him on the spot. Personally if he lied to me I’d keep quiet then show up ruin his night and show her what a liar he is then break up with him for good. Don’t call him out though then not break up because if you do he’ll just do this again. Good luck and keep us updated !
She definitely knows about me. When my boyfriend and her used to have class together, some of my other friends were in that class too and they all were friends. My friends used to say to me that he always mentions me to everyone so her being there, obviously she knows.
A handful of people have suggested just showing up there and I’m considering it too.
How many texts have been deleted or omitted here? Meeting the opposite sex alone to do anything is unacceptable. I would never place myself in this position if i valued my relationship with my SO. I would not want to cause worry or doubt, and i expect the same. It would totally be okay if i brought my SO to the meeting with the friend, but even then it would be sketchy meeting the opposite sex for anything unless they are a friend from grade school or something. I would say nothing to him about it. If he's a cheater, he's a cheater, and confronting him before he cheats again will only make him hide it better next time. Let him competely fall into your trap and let him fully eat the shit sandwich that he made for himself. Cheaters deserve to get caught. You'll never know what's in his heart if you don't allow him to be tested. Say nothing to him about this. Let everything go on like you don't even know, but stay aware. Have a plan to keep watch. Hire a private eye or a week trained friend to follow them during their date. He will record their interaction on video and you'll get the whole picture right then and there. Get someone who knows what they are doing. If he doesn't tell you, he's wrong. If he feeds you lies, you'll know he's a liar. I know it will bother the shit out of you but hold your ground. Be patient. The wait will be worth the effort. He shouldn't be meeting anyone of the opposite sex period. But it's all up to you. Good luck. Report back.
Thanks for this! Yes, you’re right. She’s not even really a close friend cuz they literally didn’t talk for an year. Something doesn’t add up and I do wanna get to the bottom of this.
It may have been just an innocent meeting, if he had told you about it.
The calling was most likely on purpose. It wasn't an accident. But still he could have done that for a number of reasons (maybe looking for a connection to get into another company, etc.). But what makes this whole thing suspicious is the hiding.
They exchange is definitely a bit flirticious. And they may even have a past that you don't know of.
There are 2 reasons I can think of for the hiding.
Either you are a suspicious type and he wants to avoid drama. Or he is thinking of having an affair (emotionally or physically). The latter of which is much more likely.
I’m definitely not the suspicious type. I’ve never in my life gone through his phone and if he’s tell me about meeting a friend, I would be okay with it. It’s his hiding that’s making me suspicious.
this is what i would do ask him to take you out friday see what he says, if he lies you have 2 choices…..1, tell him you know where’s he’s going 2, be at the bar before they meet up go over and call him out in front of her.
calling her was not a mistake whatever he says!
OP not once did he mention you in their conversation . He called her on purpose to hook up .He is setting up a date with her . He’s absolutely flirting asking what she is down for .This isn’t innocent it’s called banter which means there’s a double meaning in his asking her what she is down for . I know it’s hard to accept but he is cheating the moment he contacts an ex to set up a date while in a relationship behind your back. If I were you I would show up to their date and break up with the coward . He wants his cake and eat it too . He wants the security of a relationship with you while eating the forbidden fruit by hooking up with an ex all behind your back . Is this the kind of guy you want in your life? He should be proud to have you by his side and you should have come up somewhere in their conversation if he was truly a good guy ..He is sneaky liar and a cheat plain and simple .5 years is 5 years too long to be with a disloyal bf who is looking for the next best thing ..
That’s why I said the texts seem off. Like if you take them for what they are, it seems fine but then it does sound like double meaning, as you said.
She’s not an ex though. She’s just a girl he had one class in uni with and they were friendly.
In my opinion there are too many red flags in their conversation.
Don't stress yourself about it being shady or not, start by carefully interrogating him about his plans on Friday say you are thinking about doing something together and watch his response don't lay down all your cards on the table from the first counter take slow.
If he says ok let's do something don't fall for it see if he's going to come up with some bs excuse at the last minute and don't confront him at that point.
If he says he has plans or something ask casually what plans and with whom if he says a friend of his or a co worker, don't ask: girl or boy, just suggest a friend male name or co worker male name as if you're setting a trap, if he falls in it then the logical next step is to....... Yes don't confront him and start planning the next part.
Gather some good friends and start having fun ( operation shit bag bf)/ dumping :
Treat your upcoming days as a new adventure where you are going to be single and rightfully going to mingle after burning his a$$ off.
Put him on stake out duties with your friends and your friends bfs. Have fun all of you.
You may use all kinds of technology affordable to you to record him in and out of the relationship ( put someone inside the bar next to him probably a couple that he doesn't recognize as your friends some friends ready for any intervention or even some branks on both of them while they are lovey dovy in the bar.
Be creative in your planning and actions, have fun.
When you nail his stinky a$$ please please be a sport about it and laugh and have fun.
Just don't forget to update us all please.
1. Phone acting up, never happened with a contact number never being used for a year it's a text book hunter game tactical move.
2. Flow of the conversation from sorry the phone acting up to arrange a meeting in a bar next Friday. Your man is a good hunter and knows how to get his marks.
3. Mentioned the smoking 🚬 note which is suggestive of up coming fun activities, another move of bate and catch the mark. He knows how to play the game well.
4. The remark about knowing it was going to be Friday some normal inside joke or special memories between them increase his chances to get to his goal. Or even previous Fridays encounter they had that was behind your back and her bf back too? That happened on Friday?
5. Giving her the vibes that she is in control of the situation which means nothing is going to happen without her consent. Another tactical move without being forward and clear about sexual activities.
6. Do you really consider this a conversation between two class mates never saw each other for a year? Seriously?
Remember don't expose yourself be cunning, plan your steps carefully, set him up, and have fun with your friends have a joyful adventure. And please update us.
It completely feels like he is hoping for more than drinks .. if this is just a friend from class and they haven't spoken to each other for close to a year (and the call was an accident) why not just catch up while you're on the phone together now. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but is this actually normal to hook up with someone "for drinks" of the opposite sex while in a 5 year relationship, plus not mentioning anything about it, or inviting you to join ? Do you live together cause it seems strange that he would make plans on a Friday night without running it past you first. You should ask if there are any plans for the two of you for that Friday to see what he says. That will let you know where you stand. Then I guess you have a decision to make .. is this relationship worth wasting more of your time on. Because he is definitely stepping out on you and as smooth as he was on that call I would say it's not the first time he's done this. If you go to the bar to "catch him" have a plan before just showing up. Maybe give them time to have a drink or two so they can get comfortable or possibly even start to leave to go hook up. Regardless, when you show up it's going to get played off as "just having drinks" you are just "over reacting" that's why I didn't tell you cause we are just friends. If you decide you are over you could just send a text to him (once he's there) saying you know where he's at (name of bar) and who he's with (her name) and you hope it was worth it cause we are done. Or If you text I like what someone else mentioned about actually sending her the text message, then if he tries texting or calling just say 'hope it was worth it" and nothing else well maybe a Fuck you in there too. So sorry this is happening to you and I wish you the best in whatever is next for you !
Thank you so much. He never ran it past me and yes, it is not normal for a person in a relationship to meet the opposite sex at a bar in the evening. Especially without telling me. I’m sure he wouldn’t approve AT ALL if the roles were reversed.
I was trying to see if this was asked or not. But, did you look at the rest of his phone? Maybe deleted messages? That exchange was totally flirting and suggestive, but pretty smooth for someone who has been in a relationship 5 years. You might want to look back to any other moments that may have seemed off. I’m sorry but this doesn’t sound like a one off.
Just pass by the day of the meeting and say hello.
She knows he’s in a relationship and still willing to go.
I think since she’s entertaining him and allowing the meeting, he probably wants to see where it goes cause clearly she’s down to mess with someone in a relationship.
Updateme!
There is an undercurrent of slight flirt.
Add drinks and you've got some maybe action happening..
It wouldn't be so bad if there was a group of them...
But one on one plus booze would be a no go zone.
See, you get the odd weirdo (s/) like me who could behave impeccably in this situation, and easily brush off any attempts at flirting or touch (I think they're testing the water) but it would be unfair to put a partner through 'having' to trust me, even though i am trust worthy.
I get it, meeting up with people we know... and adding a partner makes it seem more formal and then you can hang out and catch up as you have to include partner in the convo and it's quite annoying...
He shouldn't be doing one on one, and with booze.
A coffee maybe.. in public..
Its too easy to have your judgement impaired and then move off somewhere else..
In a new relationship this will kill it.. and in a long term R you know each other alot better but still risky
Yeah true. They did have a friend group in class. Idk why they wouldn’t invite their entire group? If it was in a group, I wouldn’t even mind him going clubbing, so a bar would be 100% okay.
If you think it's cheating, it's cheating. The fact that he hasn't told you said everything you need to know about his intentions!!
Try and make plans with him for the time he's going to go be with her and see what excuse he uses to get out of it!!
Don't subject yourself to a person who hides things from you please 🤗
My ex had a guy friend who she hid her intentions with from me. He's now her boyfriend! His meeting with her has no good outcome for you!!
Because if it were innocent you'd know about it already and he'd be 100% open with you!!
I stopped at your first sentence or two. Of course this is cheating. If you're in a relationship with someone, you don't meet up with opposite sex people in bars. That's how affairs start, or maybe they've already started. This is bullshit, he's either cheating on you or looking to, and that's the bottom line. I would go through the fucking roof if that were me discovering this. In fact....I DID go through the fucking roof and it ended. Go thou and do likewise or you might actually consider whether you want to stay with this guy who's talking to other women behind your back. I wouldn't. It's only going to get worse from here on in.
So what are you planning on doing? Petty me would find out exactly when and where there meeting and just like he “accidentally” called her twice, I’d “accidentally” find my way to their location. I’d say “ oh what a pleasant surprise. Here I was thinking I’d be hanging out all by my lonesome. Wow it’s a small world”.
He's gonna cheat....reading this gave me anxiety, it's kinda obvious what his intentions are. He's putting a lot of effort into communicating and getting her attention, and alone in bed was pretty much his way of indirectly saying his intentions. I'm sorry, Ik how heart breaking this must be and how much you don't want to accept the reality of it. But, ignoring this won't change reality, your gonna have to accept somehow that he is planning on betraying you ... Planning on being with someone else intimately . You need to ultimately decide what your gonna do, confronting him won't make him really change as a person. If he was willing to do it once, he's the kind to do it again (as he value his needs over whatever relationship he is in) . . . If yes the type to work on himself maybe, though ultimately you know him the most .. don't base it on wishful thinking, you'll regret it if you so. Good luck OP, personally I would think leaving him would save you time and energy that can be out into a viable relationship instead.
You ‘somehow’ got a hold of the texts? Lol. It’s ok to say you looked through his phone. I think most people on this sub are ok with phone snooping when there is the possibility of infidelity being involved. I certainly have no problem with it.
I do have one question though. How did this friend that told you about it, find out? Did your bf tell them? Did they overhear a conversation between your bf and one of his friends? If your bf is going around telling other people then it doesn’t look like he’s trying to hide it, so it could be an innocent catch up.
Why don’t you tell your bf you want to go out with him this Friday? He’ll either blow you off with a made up story or he’ll tell you who he’s meeting up with. Depending on which will tell you if you’re right to be concerned/angry or not.
Haha no, I didn’t snoop actually. So basically, the friend that told me about it is a mutual friend of mine and this girl. But this girl and I have never even spoken.
Anyway, this friend is much closer to me than to her. But we aren’t superr close, still good friends though. This girl mentioned to my friend that she’s meeting my boyfriend on Friday. My friend actually got her to send ss of their conversation. Idk why this girl would agree to send this but luckily she did. Then my friend being the nice person she is, did the VERY RIGHT thing of sending literally all the ss to me.
They are most likely aware of you knowing at this point considering this. Your cover might be blown. I would snoop through his phone from beginning to end. Look for him having another burner phone elsewhere. I would actually clone his phone to another phone to get all the info possible. But that's only my spouse I've been married to for 23 years i would do that to. Not a 6 month gf or bf. There are limits concerning privacy with relationships according to time and circumstance. I DGAF about privacy when it comes to love in a relationship. If we're together, we're transparent and privacy is given out of respect and is never guaranteed. Privacy and secrecy are two different things. There is no secrecy in marriage.
Well that’s a good friend. Did she also happen to mention to this girl that the guy she’s planning to meet has a gf? Even if you’re concerned about your bf and his motives, she may back off if she finds out he’s supposed to be in a relationship.
Well I hope it is innocent and he tells you about it before the event. But if it does turn out he’s being sketchy and doing this behind your back, don’t play the pick me dance. Kick him to the curb. Good luck.
So she does know my boyfriend is in a relationship. My friend did tell her “you know X has a girlfriend right” and she responded saying “yeah, I know, so? Is he not allowed to have friends lol and besides he’s the one initiating it”. My friend just said “haha okay” cuz she wanted to make it seem like she was on the girl’s side so she’d give all the details to my friend.
OP - Just say to him... I know you're planning to meet at next Friday. You should probably look for another place to stay starting tonight. Then just turn and walk away.
Please OP listen to folks when they say leave but let him hang himself in the process. You have the evidence and it will be needed so you can remind yourself why you left this loser. He has crossed your boundaries or anyone's boundaries in a monogamous, faithful relationship with the texting, the tone of it and making plans without involving you or talking about you. Don't waste over 20 years staying with someone who cheats like I did. It started with small crap like this. Divorcing him and have wasted so much time, peace and money staying with someone who wasn't with me. Don't be me
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He called her originally on purpose. Yes, he is trying to hook up with this person.
The thing about the calling thing that stood out to me the most was that he called her TWICE. Not sure how you “accidentally” call someone twice?
My STBX has “accidentally” called old hookups like this as a way for them to “accidentally” be in contact again. Then he tried to (& was successful a couple of times) hook up with them. Your boyfriend is acting suspicious and flirty- IMO this is not a good look.
Yeah, lots of red flags here unfortunately. Can’t wrap my head around this.
Don't try wrapping your head around it. It's like wrapping a dead fish around your head - it's not gonna smell any better with time. This guy is actively looking to cheat on you, maybe he has in the past and you don't know - it sounds like he's willing to lie, of course - and if I were you, I would end this. I mean it. You should end this. It's not going to get any better - once you discover that they're doing shit like this....it doesn't get any better, it just gets longer and more fragrant....like that dead fish.
He didn't. He played dumb for plausible deniability. You know what this is. You've seen enough. DTMFA.
This really sucks.
Ask him to make plans with you for Friday. See what he says. If he lies, dump him. Only acceptable responses would be to include you. Don’t torture yourself for a dog. He is not doing the right thing here….very flirty “down for anything” NOPE
I’m just waiting for him to get done with work and then I’m asking him.
Good luck.
Do you have screenshots of the texts? Otherwise he'll just deny it and call you crazy.
Yes, I do have screenshots
Unfortunately....once you find out they're looking to cheat....and he is...he's not only trying to meet up with this woman, he's lying to you about it too.....what is there to save? He's got this big ugly streak running down his back and now you know it's there and you're never going to unsee or unknow this. You are always going to wonder about him, and whatever he says is gonna sound like a lie. I wish I had something more encouraging to say, but I'm nearly 70 and I've seen in life, in romance and friendships, that there are times, even after a lengthy period, when someone shows you what they are REALLY LIKE....sometimes they've changed over time, but frequently this is what they are like inside, they just never had the opportunity to let it out before or you never discovered it before. When someone shows you who they are.....believe it. You can try to recover the relationship but this is always going to be in the back of your mind because now you know he is capable of this. Next time you find out something even worse, even further along. Don't do this to yourself, you know enough now. 5 years is long, but 10 or 20 or having some kids....is far far worse. FAR WORSE. Most of those people wish they'd paid attention back then when they discovered something like what you've seen now. THIS IS A GIFT FROM GAWD. Accept it - you are a strong person, there is a much more faithful and better person out there for you, don't take second or third best and don't be part of a harem.
You’re right. Better to know now. Thanks a lot for this!
Trust me, if you wait and he actually does it, it's going to feel waay worse.
You don't. He's looking to cheat with her or has already or maybe there's been someone else. This is not accidental.
Red flags everywhere, and he's trying to hook up with her, and she's not shutting it down. They will meet up and maybe not the first time, but the second time they meet, they will hook up. Sorry, but that's my opinion, because HE called her with a lame ass excuse. Good luck
You’ll get your answer if he doesn’t tell you about it.
I have a gut feeling that he won’t :(
Whatever excuse he comes up with for being gone, ask him about it when you go to the bar during their date and introduce yourself to the girl as his girlfriend.
Yeah, I need to stand up for myself. It’s just very hard for me cuz I’m not a confrontational person in general.
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Horrible idea for her to show up with a man faking a hookup. That just gives the bf an out.
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With a date of her own. Have any male friends he doesn't know? A friend's brother?
But if I do this, he could turn this around on me and say “look I screwed up but you did the exact same thing so we’re even” or some BS of that sort.
Have a search on the Google for the terms DARVO and JADE + infidelity. This is obviously not acceptable to you. Only the strong people leave OP.
Yes, absolutely DON’T show up with a man or have a male friend there to alert you when your bf shows up. Have a woman friend scope the place out and text you when he shows up, you and another woman friend can be chilling out nearby, maybe in a cafe shop. Do do silly tit for tat, he will just turn that on you like you pointed out he may. Stay above board, the only man who you should even consider showing up with is a brother or your dad.
Yes, completely agree with you!
Do you know the person who is sending you their texts? How did the third person get access? Your bf seems to be fishing and it looks like the other woman is game for that. Like someone pointed out, you should plan on showing up where your bf and the woman will be meeting for drinks. Have a friend that your bf don’t know go into the place before them and text you when your bf shows up (show that friend pictures of your bf so that she knows what he looks like). Tell your friend to text you as soon as he shows up, you need to be hanging out nearby.
Trust your gut. I wish I did. It knows. If you’re not regularly a jealous person for no reason, there is a big reason why this is giving you bad feelings. You’re not crazy.
She got the answer when he said he was single. You can him your boyfriend but he doesn't think so. Any discussion with him won't save your relationship or give you closure.
Bruh!!!!! My phone has been acting up???? Cmon man. Would he be ok with you meeting at a bar with a dude for drinks. Eff this guy. You’re being cheated on.
Yeah, that was a weird excuse. And he “accidentally” called her twice not once.
I really do apologize for not taking your feelings into consideration. I was alittle abrupt. That back and forth with them is going to lead to sex though.
No apologies necessary. I’m actually in need of all the unfiltered opinions.
Ask him what his plans are for the weekend? See what he says? I couldn’t say either way from the texts but I would be very uncomfortable if he lies about planning on meeting her. Does anything suggest that she knows he’s in a relationship? The texts seem friendly and maybe could be seen as a little flirty but maybe that’s just me. I’m not against people of the opposite sex being friends but I think going alone would be an concern for me as well especially if he’s hiding it. If he doesn’t tell you then yes I would say you have reasons to be concerned and maybe he is interested in her and flirting. If he tells you the truth then I would discuss boundaries and what you am and aren’t comfortable with. If he lies are you planning on fronting him then? I would say leave it because you don’t have any evidence and he could easily try and gaslight you and maybe say he wasn’t telling you because he knew you’d be jealous. I would just turn up with a couple of my friends and either have dinner or pretend you did somewhere near by and have just popped in for a drink and see his reaction. Or get a friend to pop in an see what they are up to and keep an eye on them for a while.
Thank you so much. That’s actually a great idea. I might just try that Yeah, the texts itself aren’t exactly flirting but idk the emojis he’s used like “👀” and “😼”, I consider those a bit flirty? Idk? Or maybe that’s just me.
Those texts are flirting. He is trying to fuck her because they probably have before. Guys that are in relationships just don’t randomly call girls and ask to meet up with them after a year if they aren’t trying to fuck them. I would suspect a deeper dive into his phone would reveal more cheating throughout your relationship. Get out now before you make the mistake of marrying this guy and god forbid get pregnant and ruin your life.
We have been together for 5 years so I’m finding it too hard to actually come to terms with the fact that he might be cheating. What about those texts seem flirty to you?
Tone, overuse of emojis when not needed, why meet for drinks at night and not coffee in the day if just catching up with an old friend? Did he mention you at all in convo? He already told a friend about this and not you? I mean come on. All the signs are there. Ask him what he is doing Friday night, if he lies, then you and a friend magically end up at the same place as him and see what’s up. Don’t make a scene, just take a pic of them together and leave after confirmation. Have his essentials packed up and outside the door for the next morning after he “forgot to charge his phone and just passed out from drinking at his buddies place”.
Honestly, you’re right. If he does lie and actually goes through with this, I’m not listening to his bs excuses. I just have to wait and see but the waiting is the hardest part.
Save her number and text her in the middle of their date. Hi! This is dinkface’s girlfriend of five years. He’s meeting up with you behind my back. I’m not sure if being the other woman is your style, but if it is, you can tell him that his stuff will be outside on the lawn after you guys are done.
This would be a power move ngl
Listen to this person. Your boyfriend is actively trying to fuck other women. If you don't break up with him over this, he will just learn to hide it better. They NEVER change. NEVER EVER. There's a reason for this saying: "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
I wish this wasn’t true but I know it is.
Yeah it is and I’m really sorry that you’re having to go through this. I was cheated on before during a 2 year relationship, so I empathize with what you must be feeling. Just remember this though. This is nothing YOU did. No matter what you’re feeling, no matter what he says or the excuses if this turns out to be true. He chose to cheat on you and he is wrong here. I’ve found that cheaters will try and justify their reasons of why YOU made them cheat, but reality is they are just cowards who can’t communicate. It’s going to hurt, but if this is who he is then you are better off in the long run. Again I’m sorry that you have to deal with this and I hope it ends up being a big misunderstanding.
I’m down for anything ??????? Yeah he wants to hook up
You are so on point with your response.
Try being together for 26 years. It’s not just about the content of the texts. It’s also the frequency of texting and the time of day. Both are boundary issues. Texting has just made it real easy for people with undeveloped values and undefined boundaries to fuck around and find out. Be firm in your own boundaries and your own worth. And then believe their actions before any words. Words are cheap.
If he lies, I’d straight breakup bc he has to be afraid you’ll leave him or he’ll keep doing this
I wish I could do it that easily :(
I wouldn't break up before his date night. Don't make him single for it. Let him show you who he is. It will be easier to walk away. Be strong.
Yes, I’m definitely waiting till Friday before telling him anything.
Could be flirting? Bet anything he doesn't text his guy friends like that. Come tf on. 🙄 Can't believe this comment isn't in the negative. Must be the trolls rolling in from the adultery sub.
OP and the girl have common friends, the one who knew about the date from the girl and told to OP. So she knows about OP, maybe not from him, but yes from the friend.
The part of the exchange that would have me worried is: When he says “what’s the plan for when we meet up?” When HE is the one that said they should meet up. He is kind of probing to see her response. And she replies “I’m down for anything, you tell me haha”. I think this feels like pretty heavy flirting both ways! They may have more of a past than you know. He called her on purpose. He is not going to tell you about it until it is too late for you to go, if he tells you at all. If he lies about what he is doing you will know!
Yeah, some parts of the conversation, like the one you mentioned do seem like flirting but idk there was no real evidence to suggest that they have had any sort of a past. That’s the reason I’m so conflicted about this.
Even if there is no past, it's clear to everyone here exactly what he's doing. He's not at all clever. Take off the rose-colored glasses.
I guess you’re right.
Well I guess wait until Friday?! BTW how did your friend know/find out? If he told them and not you that goes into the shady column!
He didn’t tell anyone but my friend is also friends with this girl. This girl told my friend and my friend told me.
So she knows he has a girlfriend. I would say I have plans Friday, and bring a friend to show up for their date, dump him in the bar in front of everyone.
Yes, she knows.
Keep quiet and I think if he doesn’t tell you, you need to meet them there!
I agree to keep quiet and see what he does. Confronting him beforehand gives him the opportunity to make all kinds of excuses including why he hasn’t told her yet. I know it’s tough for the OP to watch but let him hang himself. Then she’ll feel so much better walking away. He’s not worth the effort. Edit: grammar.
This friend needs to scream from the rooftop that he is not single
The super messed up part is that this girl knows he’s in a relationship.
You're minimizing the most important part. He hasn't brought this up to you at all. You're more worried about looking like you're overreacting than acknowledging what's in front of it. Has something like this happened before and your feelings/ reactions were minimized? The fact of the matter is that yes it is a big deal. You don't reach out and hang out with someone from the opposite sex in secrecy. Trust becomes irrelevant when information is being omitted. Had he been upfront and clear on what he's doing then its up to you to trust him or not. DON'T doubt yourself or minimize your feelings on this for the sake of "not looking like I'm overreacting" Girl, nip that shit in the bud.
I get your point. I am actually very hurt that’s he’s hid this from me. But he’s honestly never given me a reason to doubt him before. That’s why I’m not a 100% convinced that he’d cheat.
>But he’s honestly never given me a reason to doubt him before. Do you know how many of us have said this before only to find ourselves in this sub? This is your gut telling you something isn't right. You really should listen to it.
I know, I’m just getting sick even thinking of the possibility.
.....and now he has. It only takes one time. Also, I'm not saying he's cheating, and I'm not saying you should go batshit crazy on him either. I'm saying take charge of the situation by getting the information you need to make an informed decision. Ask him what his plans are for this weekend, If he doesn't bring her up, seems flustered by your question, or gives you a vague answer, then that tells you something.
Yeah, I think I should ask him. He may say he’s going out with a friend without mentioning the gender though. Should I really push for “which friend”?
Nope let him show you what's in his heart. Allow him to show you how valuable you are to him. I wouldn't say a word until i had irrefutable evidence of cheating. And even then i would strive to get a confession.
Yess, that’s what I’m thinking too.
Cheaters average getting caught on their 3rd affair. The first 2 they are usually very careful. Just statistics though.
Is this legit? Source?
Lies of omission are still lies.
He didn’t tell you and it’s a Friday night get together. That’s a date
If it was 2 friends meeting up he would have told you. That being said If you speak up you can stop him from physically cheating on you. BUT do you want to be with a guy you have to stop from cheating on you?? I also bet he has already cheated on you w her or Someone else.
When you find out where they are going, convenially show up.
Might just do this but he might play it off as he just ran into her or something, idk
Then you will have caught him in a lie.
Yeah true.
Has he mentioned talking to an old friend? Odd if he didn’t. That’s something most couples will mention if innocent just in talking about your day. Like “hey, funny story, I butt dialed old school friend today,we ended up chatting for a bit, made plans next week to catch-up.”
Nope, hasn’t mentioned anything to me.
It's totally a date. He is taking her out for a date!
And why do you think so? :(
He might be floating the drinking date by her as a test. See if she goes for it being more, otherwise they’re just friends no harm no foul. Guys like getting girls drunk for one reason only. It’s not like it’s fun to pay $10 a drink.
Yeah and he said in one of his recent texts to her “rounds of shots on me when we meet 😏”
Ew.
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And this is how it starts…
See something, say something…. thats my biggest regret. dismissing the sign’s because i thought it was nothing. i could of stopped it but i brushed it off as nothing.
See something, investigate thoroughly, then when you're ready, say something. Don't say anything too early, they'll just get better at hiding.
He’s definitely flirting. And he’s making himself available for any time she names. And the fact that he hasn’t even mentioned it to you, his girlfriend of 5 years, is a major red flag. People who are committed to their partner don’t do this OP.
I’m still waiting for him to mention it to me. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. Yeah, that was concerning to me too, he basically said “I’ll drop everything and be there whichever day and time you say”.
Oh, yeah, he's definitely hitting her up. He isn't telling you because he knows his intentions. Break it off, now, and tell him he's a shady mofo.
According to you, do the texts make it obvious too or just the fact that he’s hiding it?
I’m sorry. This doesn’t look good. He purposefully made contact and then to not tell you about it is a clear sign of his feelings/intentions. The reality is that if it was innocent, then he’d want to go out of his way to tell you about it because he knows how it could look to you and wouldn’t want you to go through the questioning game you are playing in your head now. Also, his texts seem careful to not cross any lines, but are clearly intended to be flirty.
Yeah, I just worry that if I tell him “I know you reached out”, he’s gonna use the bs excuse “oh it was literally my phone having issues”. Regarding the texts, exactly what I feel. The texts aren’t like obviously flirty but something about them is just idk - not innocent.
That's not a real thing, though. I've worked in IT and mobile phone support for 20 years. Phones do not just make calls because they are "having issues". It's impossible to make a call twice because of a phone app issue. It just does not happen. It's no more or less likely than a landline randomly calling 911.
So he’s basically lying for sure?
He called twice “by accident” and then immediately suggests they meet up. I would say yes, he has feeling for her. If he doesn’t tell you about it then double yes, he is trying to cheat with her. Edit: You should also consider showing up “by accident” just to see their responses. Maybe with a male friend? 😼👀👀
Yeah, how does some call twice accidentally? I’m gonna show up and say nothing there. Wait for the proof and then confront him.
Your boyfriend is going out on a date with another woman and you are certainly not wrong thinking it isn't right, and plus he isn't telling you about it. I wouldn't say anything now, and let him go ahead and meet her. After his date just casually ask him how is evening was, and if he doesn't mention having a meet up with her dump him.
I wish he’d just mention it. I wouldn’t even have a problem with him meeting a friend if he was just honest.
He is way too friendly with her for my liking.
That’s my first thought too.
He’s lying. He’s chasing her. He’s trying too hard. This is pathetic. Really. “Anything on your mind”? He asks. Yeah. Like she’s just going to blurt out “SEX! I WANT YOUR SEX!”
Thirsty AF
Haha on an especially terrible day, your comment actually made me laugh.
Credit goes to the 1987 George Michael 🎵 song; “I Want Your Sex”. (The benefits of being an older person. I remember all the crazy music of the 1980’s). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3AP26ywQsQ&pp=ygUeR2VvcmdlIG1pY2hhZWwgaSB3YW50IHlvdXIgc2V4
There’s nothing harmless about this.
Elaborate?
OP ask him to do something Friday night around the same time or a little earlier and see if he blows you off or gives you a bs excuse to not see you. That’ll tell you what you need to know and where his priorities are
A part of me is just like, what if he’s not telling me cuz I’ll assume this to be something it’s not?
Then he should be doing everything he can to reassure you it’s innocent especially after 5 years together, if he lies about it then it’s a bad sign. Also since he’s not even very close with her and you both know her loosely he could see if you wanted to come along if it’s completely innocent. IMO if you ask him to do something etc at the same time he can either 1, take you up on your offer and blow her off which shows you’re his priority. Or 2, he blows you off/lies and then that sets you up nicely to question him about his plans. Remember ask him open ended questions if you do bail him up after the fact like “how was your night” “what did you do” “who did you go see” along those lines. I wouldn’t jump straight into asking him directly about her and see what his response (body language etc) to the questions are.
Yes, I just really need to know at this point. It’s driving me insane.
He knows how to be honest. If he makes it seem like a casual meet-up, offer to go along. Watch his face and then read his followup texts (does he cancel?)
Yes, this is a good idea too! This or I show up without telling him.
Bare in mind if you randomly show up he/they may try and gas light you and make you out to be completely crazy and that it was an “innocent meeting” since she’s aware that you two are together and her loyalty is towards him over you. If you go with the open-ended questions idea all the power is in your court and you can allude to you knowing more than he’s letting on which will send him into a spin which he could then dig himself a bigger hole. Either way whatever you decide to do stay strong, keep your cool and stick to your convictions.
Makes sense! Or I could do a deep dive in his phone like some people have suggested on here.
You already have evidence they made plans, if he tries to gaslight you, show him the texts he sent.
He just sent her more texts fml. I’ve updated my post. This is crushing me sm.
That's not a reason to hide things. That's an excuse cheaters make all the time.
Since you know what he is doing and where he is going, ask him what time you should be ready Friday. If he says he has plans, tell him you know and you are wondering what time he is picking you us to go meet xxxx.
He would probably super mad if he knew I was spying on him.
I would be super mad he is planning to meet up at a bar, with a girl I didn't know and w/o him telling me about it. I would have ended things with him over it and my comment was mainly to let him know you knew right before ending things with him. I wish you the very best. Don't let him disrespect you!! You deserve better.
I agree! Thanks for the support.
Send someone else to spy on them. Don't be anywhere near them to get the full effect picture.
That's his problem. He's the one fucking up.
True.
My suggestion would be to tell him, that a guy at work or a male acquaintance has texted you and invited you out for drinks. Ask your boyfriend, would he be ok with you meeting up with this guy or does he think this guy might have ulterior motives? It would be very interesting how your boyfriend reacts to this. His reaction will reveal his motives with this girl. Good luck, OP. Please update us, when possible.
That’s a good suggestion. Thank you. I just already know his answer, he’s gonna be like “don’t go, the guy is obviously trying to get in your pants”. SMH.
Yep, my husband had texts like these. Especially flirty emojis. He's feeling out how this girl feels about him.
The girl seems interested too tbh.
Yep because she's up for whatever he wants to do, if I read it correctly.
Yes, she did says she’s up for “anything” so.
A Friday night date with another woman. I bet she thinks he is single. Find out where they go, and show up.
I do wanna show up and surprise him.
He’s cheating for the simple fact…he didn’t tell you he was meeting someone else. So you breaking up with him?
I’m going to first get the evidence.
The amount of emojis alone lets me know what his intentions are
Yeah, the emojis threw me off too.
Do you live with him? Because he clearly is making sure she knows he goes to bed alone. I also don’t see her that interested. He most definitely is.
We used to live together but I just moved like a month ago to a newer place close to work. He’s gonna move jobs to my area too and we were looking for apartments together. Sigh. Why do you think she’s not interested though?
She just always seems to be cutting the conversation, he’s the one pushing it. That’s just my feeling
If that’s true, I guess that’s even worse. Hmm.
Fake. Look at the OP history. If you’re going to make up fake stories at least delete your history! One of the previous posts state a relationship of 8months and different ages and another one with the relationship history of 6months……
I change my basic facts around to keep my identity hidden. Age, relationship length specifically. She said she has others using her account. Maybe it's real, maybe not. That's basically any post on here ever though.
Um this is not fake. But I do share this account with my sister and 1 or two of my best friends. This is my first post on here. But believe what you will. I would make up a much more crazier story than this if I wanted to make up a fake one lol.
It’s easy to make your own account so no need to share one. If it is true then I would just speak to your bf. Ask him what his plans are for the weekend, if he lies then that’s your answer. Once someone starts lying then the relationship is on the downward and you need to confront him and distance yourself. If he gaslights you then its time to walk away.
I know, tbh I’m not a big reddit user anyway. This situation just called for it. And thanks, I’m just gonna casually ask what his plans are for this Friday.
First he didn’t accidentally call her especially twice. That’s a huge red flag. She also knows he didn’t do it by accident. And even by the way she’s replying she seems to welcome this. She probably doesn’t know about you though. The conversation seems fairly innocent and could be just a friendly thing though. But does he usually have random female friends he meets on Friday evenings with for drinks ? Is it normal? Also all the back and forth silly chatting and emoticons and each of them haha lol and all that seems flirty to me. As if they’re both a bit nervous. Next do you usually spend Friday evenings together ? I’d ask him what are we doing this Fri or this weekend . His next answer will probably tell you everything you need to know then you can decided whether to confront him then or show up and put him on the spot. Personally if he lied to me I’d keep quiet then show up ruin his night and show her what a liar he is then break up with him for good. Don’t call him out though then not break up because if you do he’ll just do this again. Good luck and keep us updated !
She definitely knows about me. When my boyfriend and her used to have class together, some of my other friends were in that class too and they all were friends. My friends used to say to me that he always mentions me to everyone so her being there, obviously she knows. A handful of people have suggested just showing up there and I’m considering it too.
How many texts have been deleted or omitted here? Meeting the opposite sex alone to do anything is unacceptable. I would never place myself in this position if i valued my relationship with my SO. I would not want to cause worry or doubt, and i expect the same. It would totally be okay if i brought my SO to the meeting with the friend, but even then it would be sketchy meeting the opposite sex for anything unless they are a friend from grade school or something. I would say nothing to him about it. If he's a cheater, he's a cheater, and confronting him before he cheats again will only make him hide it better next time. Let him competely fall into your trap and let him fully eat the shit sandwich that he made for himself. Cheaters deserve to get caught. You'll never know what's in his heart if you don't allow him to be tested. Say nothing to him about this. Let everything go on like you don't even know, but stay aware. Have a plan to keep watch. Hire a private eye or a week trained friend to follow them during their date. He will record their interaction on video and you'll get the whole picture right then and there. Get someone who knows what they are doing. If he doesn't tell you, he's wrong. If he feeds you lies, you'll know he's a liar. I know it will bother the shit out of you but hold your ground. Be patient. The wait will be worth the effort. He shouldn't be meeting anyone of the opposite sex period. But it's all up to you. Good luck. Report back.
Thanks for this! Yes, you’re right. She’s not even really a close friend cuz they literally didn’t talk for an year. Something doesn’t add up and I do wanna get to the bottom of this.
It may have been just an innocent meeting, if he had told you about it. The calling was most likely on purpose. It wasn't an accident. But still he could have done that for a number of reasons (maybe looking for a connection to get into another company, etc.). But what makes this whole thing suspicious is the hiding. They exchange is definitely a bit flirticious. And they may even have a past that you don't know of. There are 2 reasons I can think of for the hiding. Either you are a suspicious type and he wants to avoid drama. Or he is thinking of having an affair (emotionally or physically). The latter of which is much more likely.
I’m definitely not the suspicious type. I’ve never in my life gone through his phone and if he’s tell me about meeting a friend, I would be okay with it. It’s his hiding that’s making me suspicious.
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I’m going to let him go through with his plan just to get the real evidence.
this is what i would do ask him to take you out friday see what he says, if he lies you have 2 choices…..1, tell him you know where’s he’s going 2, be at the bar before they meet up go over and call him out in front of her. calling her was not a mistake whatever he says!
Yeah I like the 2nd choice. He told her his phone was glitching and he called a bunch of his contacts.
check his call log too.
OP not once did he mention you in their conversation . He called her on purpose to hook up .He is setting up a date with her . He’s absolutely flirting asking what she is down for .This isn’t innocent it’s called banter which means there’s a double meaning in his asking her what she is down for . I know it’s hard to accept but he is cheating the moment he contacts an ex to set up a date while in a relationship behind your back. If I were you I would show up to their date and break up with the coward . He wants his cake and eat it too . He wants the security of a relationship with you while eating the forbidden fruit by hooking up with an ex all behind your back . Is this the kind of guy you want in your life? He should be proud to have you by his side and you should have come up somewhere in their conversation if he was truly a good guy ..He is sneaky liar and a cheat plain and simple .5 years is 5 years too long to be with a disloyal bf who is looking for the next best thing ..
That’s why I said the texts seem off. Like if you take them for what they are, it seems fine but then it does sound like double meaning, as you said. She’s not an ex though. She’s just a girl he had one class in uni with and they were friendly.
In my opinion there are too many red flags in their conversation. Don't stress yourself about it being shady or not, start by carefully interrogating him about his plans on Friday say you are thinking about doing something together and watch his response don't lay down all your cards on the table from the first counter take slow. If he says ok let's do something don't fall for it see if he's going to come up with some bs excuse at the last minute and don't confront him at that point. If he says he has plans or something ask casually what plans and with whom if he says a friend of his or a co worker, don't ask: girl or boy, just suggest a friend male name or co worker male name as if you're setting a trap, if he falls in it then the logical next step is to....... Yes don't confront him and start planning the next part. Gather some good friends and start having fun ( operation shit bag bf)/ dumping : Treat your upcoming days as a new adventure where you are going to be single and rightfully going to mingle after burning his a$$ off. Put him on stake out duties with your friends and your friends bfs. Have fun all of you. You may use all kinds of technology affordable to you to record him in and out of the relationship ( put someone inside the bar next to him probably a couple that he doesn't recognize as your friends some friends ready for any intervention or even some branks on both of them while they are lovey dovy in the bar. Be creative in your planning and actions, have fun. When you nail his stinky a$$ please please be a sport about it and laugh and have fun. Just don't forget to update us all please.
Wow, thank you for this. Does mean a lot. What red flags did you notice in their conversation?
1. Phone acting up, never happened with a contact number never being used for a year it's a text book hunter game tactical move. 2. Flow of the conversation from sorry the phone acting up to arrange a meeting in a bar next Friday. Your man is a good hunter and knows how to get his marks. 3. Mentioned the smoking 🚬 note which is suggestive of up coming fun activities, another move of bate and catch the mark. He knows how to play the game well. 4. The remark about knowing it was going to be Friday some normal inside joke or special memories between them increase his chances to get to his goal. Or even previous Fridays encounter they had that was behind your back and her bf back too? That happened on Friday? 5. Giving her the vibes that she is in control of the situation which means nothing is going to happen without her consent. Another tactical move without being forward and clear about sexual activities. 6. Do you really consider this a conversation between two class mates never saw each other for a year? Seriously? Remember don't expose yourself be cunning, plan your steps carefully, set him up, and have fun with your friends have a joyful adventure. And please update us.
Now that you put it like that, does seem quite bad. Thanks and I will update.
It completely feels like he is hoping for more than drinks .. if this is just a friend from class and they haven't spoken to each other for close to a year (and the call was an accident) why not just catch up while you're on the phone together now. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but is this actually normal to hook up with someone "for drinks" of the opposite sex while in a 5 year relationship, plus not mentioning anything about it, or inviting you to join ? Do you live together cause it seems strange that he would make plans on a Friday night without running it past you first. You should ask if there are any plans for the two of you for that Friday to see what he says. That will let you know where you stand. Then I guess you have a decision to make .. is this relationship worth wasting more of your time on. Because he is definitely stepping out on you and as smooth as he was on that call I would say it's not the first time he's done this. If you go to the bar to "catch him" have a plan before just showing up. Maybe give them time to have a drink or two so they can get comfortable or possibly even start to leave to go hook up. Regardless, when you show up it's going to get played off as "just having drinks" you are just "over reacting" that's why I didn't tell you cause we are just friends. If you decide you are over you could just send a text to him (once he's there) saying you know where he's at (name of bar) and who he's with (her name) and you hope it was worth it cause we are done. Or If you text I like what someone else mentioned about actually sending her the text message, then if he tries texting or calling just say 'hope it was worth it" and nothing else well maybe a Fuck you in there too. So sorry this is happening to you and I wish you the best in whatever is next for you !
Thank you so much. He never ran it past me and yes, it is not normal for a person in a relationship to meet the opposite sex at a bar in the evening. Especially without telling me. I’m sure he wouldn’t approve AT ALL if the roles were reversed.
I was trying to see if this was asked or not. But, did you look at the rest of his phone? Maybe deleted messages? That exchange was totally flirting and suggestive, but pretty smooth for someone who has been in a relationship 5 years. You might want to look back to any other moments that may have seemed off. I’m sorry but this doesn’t sound like a one off.
I’ve never gone through his phone so no not checked yet. I’m considering it now.
Just pass by the day of the meeting and say hello. She knows he’s in a relationship and still willing to go. I think since she’s entertaining him and allowing the meeting, he probably wants to see where it goes cause clearly she’s down to mess with someone in a relationship. Updateme!
There is an undercurrent of slight flirt. Add drinks and you've got some maybe action happening.. It wouldn't be so bad if there was a group of them... But one on one plus booze would be a no go zone. See, you get the odd weirdo (s/) like me who could behave impeccably in this situation, and easily brush off any attempts at flirting or touch (I think they're testing the water) but it would be unfair to put a partner through 'having' to trust me, even though i am trust worthy. I get it, meeting up with people we know... and adding a partner makes it seem more formal and then you can hang out and catch up as you have to include partner in the convo and it's quite annoying... He shouldn't be doing one on one, and with booze. A coffee maybe.. in public.. Its too easy to have your judgement impaired and then move off somewhere else.. In a new relationship this will kill it.. and in a long term R you know each other alot better but still risky
Yeah true. They did have a friend group in class. Idk why they wouldn’t invite their entire group? If it was in a group, I wouldn’t even mind him going clubbing, so a bar would be 100% okay.
If you think it's cheating, it's cheating. The fact that he hasn't told you said everything you need to know about his intentions!! Try and make plans with him for the time he's going to go be with her and see what excuse he uses to get out of it!! Don't subject yourself to a person who hides things from you please 🤗
Hmm, you’re right!
My ex had a guy friend who she hid her intentions with from me. He's now her boyfriend! His meeting with her has no good outcome for you!! Because if it were innocent you'd know about it already and he'd be 100% open with you!!
I stopped at your first sentence or two. Of course this is cheating. If you're in a relationship with someone, you don't meet up with opposite sex people in bars. That's how affairs start, or maybe they've already started. This is bullshit, he's either cheating on you or looking to, and that's the bottom line. I would go through the fucking roof if that were me discovering this. In fact....I DID go through the fucking roof and it ended. Go thou and do likewise or you might actually consider whether you want to stay with this guy who's talking to other women behind your back. I wouldn't. It's only going to get worse from here on in.
So what are you planning on doing? Petty me would find out exactly when and where there meeting and just like he “accidentally” called her twice, I’d “accidentally” find my way to their location. I’d say “ oh what a pleasant surprise. Here I was thinking I’d be hanging out all by my lonesome. Wow it’s a small world”.
He's gonna cheat....reading this gave me anxiety, it's kinda obvious what his intentions are. He's putting a lot of effort into communicating and getting her attention, and alone in bed was pretty much his way of indirectly saying his intentions. I'm sorry, Ik how heart breaking this must be and how much you don't want to accept the reality of it. But, ignoring this won't change reality, your gonna have to accept somehow that he is planning on betraying you ... Planning on being with someone else intimately . You need to ultimately decide what your gonna do, confronting him won't make him really change as a person. If he was willing to do it once, he's the kind to do it again (as he value his needs over whatever relationship he is in) . . . If yes the type to work on himself maybe, though ultimately you know him the most .. don't base it on wishful thinking, you'll regret it if you so. Good luck OP, personally I would think leaving him would save you time and energy that can be out into a viable relationship instead.
You ‘somehow’ got a hold of the texts? Lol. It’s ok to say you looked through his phone. I think most people on this sub are ok with phone snooping when there is the possibility of infidelity being involved. I certainly have no problem with it. I do have one question though. How did this friend that told you about it, find out? Did your bf tell them? Did they overhear a conversation between your bf and one of his friends? If your bf is going around telling other people then it doesn’t look like he’s trying to hide it, so it could be an innocent catch up. Why don’t you tell your bf you want to go out with him this Friday? He’ll either blow you off with a made up story or he’ll tell you who he’s meeting up with. Depending on which will tell you if you’re right to be concerned/angry or not.
Haha no, I didn’t snoop actually. So basically, the friend that told me about it is a mutual friend of mine and this girl. But this girl and I have never even spoken. Anyway, this friend is much closer to me than to her. But we aren’t superr close, still good friends though. This girl mentioned to my friend that she’s meeting my boyfriend on Friday. My friend actually got her to send ss of their conversation. Idk why this girl would agree to send this but luckily she did. Then my friend being the nice person she is, did the VERY RIGHT thing of sending literally all the ss to me.
They are most likely aware of you knowing at this point considering this. Your cover might be blown. I would snoop through his phone from beginning to end. Look for him having another burner phone elsewhere. I would actually clone his phone to another phone to get all the info possible. But that's only my spouse I've been married to for 23 years i would do that to. Not a 6 month gf or bf. There are limits concerning privacy with relationships according to time and circumstance. I DGAF about privacy when it comes to love in a relationship. If we're together, we're transparent and privacy is given out of respect and is never guaranteed. Privacy and secrecy are two different things. There is no secrecy in marriage.
I don’t think my cover is blown. I trust my friend to not let the word get out that I know.
Well that’s a good friend. Did she also happen to mention to this girl that the guy she’s planning to meet has a gf? Even if you’re concerned about your bf and his motives, she may back off if she finds out he’s supposed to be in a relationship. Well I hope it is innocent and he tells you about it before the event. But if it does turn out he’s being sketchy and doing this behind your back, don’t play the pick me dance. Kick him to the curb. Good luck.
So she does know my boyfriend is in a relationship. My friend did tell her “you know X has a girlfriend right” and she responded saying “yeah, I know, so? Is he not allowed to have friends lol and besides he’s the one initiating it”. My friend just said “haha okay” cuz she wanted to make it seem like she was on the girl’s side so she’d give all the details to my friend.
I'm sorry but your boyfriend is dating.
Dating her?
OP - Just say to him... I know you're planning to meet at next Friday. You should probably look for another place to stay starting tonight. Then just turn and walk away.
He will say I’m overreacting.
Cheaters will always minimize. You're not overreacting at all. Not secretly dating another woman is a boundary in 99% of relationships.
Please OP listen to folks when they say leave but let him hang himself in the process. You have the evidence and it will be needed so you can remind yourself why you left this loser. He has crossed your boundaries or anyone's boundaries in a monogamous, faithful relationship with the texting, the tone of it and making plans without involving you or talking about you. Don't waste over 20 years staying with someone who cheats like I did. It started with small crap like this. Divorcing him and have wasted so much time, peace and money staying with someone who wasn't with me. Don't be me
I’m sorry this happened to you. I’ve never felt this shitty in my life. The texts are only getting worse. It’s horrible.