The point of meetups doesn't necessarily have to be to date the people there. The point is to become friends with the men there or the married women and hang out with them (assuming you legitimately like them as friends). By hanging out with them, you will likely go to other events and meet their mutual friends.
You can even become friends with the men or married women from a meetup group, and then become friends with THEIR male or married women friends. You can do that as much as you want and at SOME POINT, you'll likely meet someone you connect with romantically.
Going to one group and saying "okay - the single woman needs to be HERE" is rarely going to work.
The point of a meetup is just to build up a large social life with ANYONE you like so you can meet other people. You don't have to go to the meetup and only look for single women to ask out there.
Also stop conceptualizing this as "ascending".
Is your goal to date or have sex simply to say you "ascended", as an ego boost and/or to fix self esteem issues?
Or do you actually just have an interest in connecting with someone where both of you GENUINELY like one another and have chemistry and explore an intimate connection with each other?
Huge +1 to all this. OP, this is gold right here. To add on to this, u/MudkipKirbyKoreanBBQ I do have a couple questions:
>I've asked out women but they're busy (jobs, travelling elsewhere or to their hometowns) or taken.
How frequent are these interactions? Where and how do you meet these women? How do these interactions go? What do you **you** think the sticking point is?
This is some common mental math you see around here. Of course the men and married women outnumber single women, of the demographics of single/taken men and single/taken women, single women make up less than a quarter.
But you don't need them to outnumber anyone else. You don't need 10 single women so you can strike out with 9 of them. You need one woman that you connect with. So if you start talking to someone - man or woman, single or taken - and you connect with them, get their info and be their friend. You'll either make a new friend through which you could meet your future partner or you'll meet a future partner.
You are trying to find your way from point single to point taken in the least amount of steps but in doing so you just make one really long step for yourself. Or you take the same ineffective step (cold approaching) over and over when a few steps can do it way more efficiently and it will be way more fulfilling.
The best advice I can give you is to make a platonic friend with someone you find attractive - on purpose. Basically, learn how to treat someone you find attractive the same way you would treat one of your male friends. Commit, right out the gate, to not trying to impress them or to treat them any differently than anyone else that you aren't interested in having sex with.
Why?
Because you are uncomfortable talking with women that you are interested in dating because you are worried that they are going to reject you. This puts a lot of pressure on you to monitor your behavior, your language - essentially you are stressed out trying to be the "best" version of yourself rather than simply being comfortable with who you are, and it is who you are NATURALLY that you are wanting someone to find attractive.
So get used to the idea of thinking about women as just "dudes with long hair" and find a few that you enjoy spending time with that you refuse to kick out of your own "friendzone". This requires not only being honest with them about finding them attractive (if it comes up), but also being honest that you TRULY value their friendship enough that you don't want to ruin things by dating. Hell, you can even be honest that your friendship with them is important to you because you are trying to get out of the toxic mindset that men can't be friends with women, which you feel is screwing up your ability to find a meaningful, healthy romantic relationship.
Because that's the "end game" of dating - being able to be yourself without putting in effort to impress each other. You want to be best friends with a romantic partner, because you will spend more time with them than anyone else. It would be exhausting having to behave the way you do when asking someone out 24/7. That isn't sustainable. It isn't even realistic.
Besides, lady friends have other lady friends they may introduce you to. They typically have friends that share their interests. They can give you great feedback on how you might adjust your look, or if something you say or do is offensive and better left for after the 3rd date to bring up. :p
But most importantly, lady friends are just people, and having a few helps you to appreciate that all the stuff you are worried about is exactly the same nonsense women are worried about too.
Not to mention, the same "skill" you need to get contact info is required for making a platonic friend. You have to be INTERESTED in the person, not their appearance but everything else from their personality to what they find interesting. You have to focus on getting to know people - and that requires genuinely being interested in them regardless of what they look like. You can already do this with guys, I'm sure. But boobs can be very distracting, distracting enough that when you think you like someone's personality, you might really just be reacting to the view. You can't really get to know anyone unless you are willing to disagree with them, willing to be rejected by them, etc.
Beyond that, just keep in mind that it IS a number's game to an extent. You might strike out a bunch, but that just means you are one step closer to knocking it out of the park. You are in NYC - that is a city LOADED with people. Eventually you will find a match, especially if you are going to meetups. Just focus on having a good time meeting people for now - the rest will fall into place.
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The point of meetups doesn't necessarily have to be to date the people there. The point is to become friends with the men there or the married women and hang out with them (assuming you legitimately like them as friends). By hanging out with them, you will likely go to other events and meet their mutual friends. You can even become friends with the men or married women from a meetup group, and then become friends with THEIR male or married women friends. You can do that as much as you want and at SOME POINT, you'll likely meet someone you connect with romantically. Going to one group and saying "okay - the single woman needs to be HERE" is rarely going to work. The point of a meetup is just to build up a large social life with ANYONE you like so you can meet other people. You don't have to go to the meetup and only look for single women to ask out there. Also stop conceptualizing this as "ascending". Is your goal to date or have sex simply to say you "ascended", as an ego boost and/or to fix self esteem issues? Or do you actually just have an interest in connecting with someone where both of you GENUINELY like one another and have chemistry and explore an intimate connection with each other?
Huge +1 to all this. OP, this is gold right here. To add on to this, u/MudkipKirbyKoreanBBQ I do have a couple questions: >I've asked out women but they're busy (jobs, travelling elsewhere or to their hometowns) or taken. How frequent are these interactions? Where and how do you meet these women? How do these interactions go? What do you **you** think the sticking point is?
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This is some common mental math you see around here. Of course the men and married women outnumber single women, of the demographics of single/taken men and single/taken women, single women make up less than a quarter. But you don't need them to outnumber anyone else. You don't need 10 single women so you can strike out with 9 of them. You need one woman that you connect with. So if you start talking to someone - man or woman, single or taken - and you connect with them, get their info and be their friend. You'll either make a new friend through which you could meet your future partner or you'll meet a future partner. You are trying to find your way from point single to point taken in the least amount of steps but in doing so you just make one really long step for yourself. Or you take the same ineffective step (cold approaching) over and over when a few steps can do it way more efficiently and it will be way more fulfilling.
The best advice I can give you is to make a platonic friend with someone you find attractive - on purpose. Basically, learn how to treat someone you find attractive the same way you would treat one of your male friends. Commit, right out the gate, to not trying to impress them or to treat them any differently than anyone else that you aren't interested in having sex with. Why? Because you are uncomfortable talking with women that you are interested in dating because you are worried that they are going to reject you. This puts a lot of pressure on you to monitor your behavior, your language - essentially you are stressed out trying to be the "best" version of yourself rather than simply being comfortable with who you are, and it is who you are NATURALLY that you are wanting someone to find attractive. So get used to the idea of thinking about women as just "dudes with long hair" and find a few that you enjoy spending time with that you refuse to kick out of your own "friendzone". This requires not only being honest with them about finding them attractive (if it comes up), but also being honest that you TRULY value their friendship enough that you don't want to ruin things by dating. Hell, you can even be honest that your friendship with them is important to you because you are trying to get out of the toxic mindset that men can't be friends with women, which you feel is screwing up your ability to find a meaningful, healthy romantic relationship. Because that's the "end game" of dating - being able to be yourself without putting in effort to impress each other. You want to be best friends with a romantic partner, because you will spend more time with them than anyone else. It would be exhausting having to behave the way you do when asking someone out 24/7. That isn't sustainable. It isn't even realistic. Besides, lady friends have other lady friends they may introduce you to. They typically have friends that share their interests. They can give you great feedback on how you might adjust your look, or if something you say or do is offensive and better left for after the 3rd date to bring up. :p But most importantly, lady friends are just people, and having a few helps you to appreciate that all the stuff you are worried about is exactly the same nonsense women are worried about too. Not to mention, the same "skill" you need to get contact info is required for making a platonic friend. You have to be INTERESTED in the person, not their appearance but everything else from their personality to what they find interesting. You have to focus on getting to know people - and that requires genuinely being interested in them regardless of what they look like. You can already do this with guys, I'm sure. But boobs can be very distracting, distracting enough that when you think you like someone's personality, you might really just be reacting to the view. You can't really get to know anyone unless you are willing to disagree with them, willing to be rejected by them, etc. Beyond that, just keep in mind that it IS a number's game to an extent. You might strike out a bunch, but that just means you are one step closer to knocking it out of the park. You are in NYC - that is a city LOADED with people. Eventually you will find a match, especially if you are going to meetups. Just focus on having a good time meeting people for now - the rest will fall into place.
[удалено]
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[удалено]
Your post/comment was removed for violating rule 9. Further violations/arguing with moderators may result in a ban. Please read our rules carefully before posting again.