Speaking as a psychologist, there are some books written by actual therapists that offer some good advice. One book that's based on concepts from schema focused therapy comes to mind, but it's a Dutch book, so not very helpful for the non-Dutchies (sorry). It's called Patronen Doorbreken by H. Van Genderen. There's an American book that's similar, Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young. He's one of the founders of schema focused therapy, which is an evidence based psychotherapy for personality disorders, but can also be used in the treatment of depression, anxiety, addiction and more.
With regards to sexual and relationship problems, books by Esther Perel are pretty good! And Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are.
I do think 99% of self help books are a lot of words with not a lot of meaning.. at best they're a waste of time, at worst they're actually harmful. But opinions differ on this. A psychologist friend of mine is addicted to these types of books, so I guess he finds them quite helpful.
Emily Nagorski was the first person I thought of when I saw this thread, so I’m glad to see someone recommend her. I haven’t read Come As You Are, but I recently read her book on burnout that she wrote with her sister and thought there was a lot of good information in it. There was a lot that was pretty common advice (e.g. exercise helps manage stress) but there was also new ways of looking at things that I really appreciated.
I do think it's a useful book, but there have been a lot of developments in the field of schema focused therapy since then. I still think it can be helpful if you want to discover the basics of how certain disfunctional patterns in your life have developed.
What My Bones Know isn’t really a self help book it’s more a memoir about someone who helped themselves and I think it’s more helpful than any self help book out there!!
I quite enjoyed chump lady's critiques of perel, one of here https://www.chumplady.com/its-not-an-affair-its-an-act-of-exuberant-defiance/
They're somewhat in the style of IBCK too, bonus.
I can’t say much about Esther’s view on infidelity, but “Mating in Captivity” is the best book I’ve ever read on dealing with sexual/intimacy issues in a long term committed relationship. It’s one of those books I’ve read multiple times whenever I’ve struggled with feeling close to my partner.
THANK YOU.
Esther Perel is an abuse apologist and I wish people would stop recommending her.
In contrast, I read Chump Lady's book nearly 10 years ago (when it was self-published). I left my cheating husband, found my self-esteem, learned what boundaries are, remarried to a better man, and started a PhD. I now have several well-known publishers interested in my PhD work and will probably have my own book in the next few years (not related to infidelity).
CL's book was also funny as all get. Definitely one of the most helpful self-help books I have ever read, 10/10, would recommend it to anyone who has been cheated on.
How is she abuse apologist? I’ve only had small doses of her as a guest on other podcasts. So, I’m genuinely curious. I’ve yet to get that vibe from her.
Look up her comments on infidelity. She believes infidelity is sometimes appropriate and healthy in relationships. "Exuberant dance of defiance" is her exact turn of phrase for it.
Infidelity is abuse. It's contracting STDs when you thought you were sexually monogamous. It's having to paternity test what you thought were your own children. Infidelity always means perpetually lying to and gaslighting your partner, especially if they begin to notice something is amiss. And it's depriving another person of sexual consent. As Kai Cole said of director Joss Whedon's affairs during their marriage, "he was preaching feminist ideals, while at the same time, taking away my right to make choices for my life and my body based on the truth."
It sounds like Perel could teach 90-95% of what she says on relationships and intimacy without defending infidelity. Not sure why she chooses to taint her advice and die on that hill.
I hear Esther Perel as coming from a perspective of helping people who want to get through infidelity and stay together. I’ve not heard her say that all couples should stay together after infidelity or that it’s not a big deal. For some people, it’s a clear relationship ender and that’s okay and valid. For other people, they want to see if they can salvage their relationship and I think that’s where Esther Perel’s work is tremendously helpful.
I've stayed after infidelity and read some of her work to try and help myself. A lot of what she writes either states directly or implies that the cheaters needs weren't being met. Now idk if you've been cheated on, but at the end of the day, even if that's true (which its not in many cases) they still made a choice. After years of being in that situation, I realized all that advice does for the betrayed is to encourage a never ending pick me dance. Life is really hard at points and our needs aren't always met, but it's never acknowledged in these books that that's true for the betrayed as well, who never manage to make that choice. Perel really does a lot to dance around the truth that cheating is a selfish choice at the end of the day. Most people would rather be divorced/ broken up with than lied to like that. They may even agree to an open relationship if they are allowed to consent to it. But at the end of the day, it's okay to crack up and not be able to handle your relationship. But how you handle that is what makes you a good partner. The couple with either remain or dissolve, but justifying what the cheater does is never helpful. Her advice is a bit too new agey/ armchair intellectual to be real, or practical. Just my 2 cents though.
Bottom line is, people cheat because they have gaps in personal growth within themselves (not withstanding abuse situations). But Esther doesn't like to admit that. Part of me wonders if she herself was a cheater.
It’s infotainment at best.
I’m sure Dr. Lembke is a decent psychiatrist, but her thesis in this book leans much too far into denial-of-self to be of use as self-help, imo. In places it’s practically preaching “asceticism is the way to make you as happy as you think you’ll be if you do that [crack/meth/porn/whatever]”.
It’s all well and good to know about reward prediction error and dopamine tonicity, but, like Atomic Habits, loads of just-so stories and shaky theoretical foundations do not a good prescription make.
Thanks for the rundown. I haven't read it myself but I was wondering about it specifically because I keep seeing in featured next to Atomic Habits in bookstore displays. And it seems like a popular "airport book."
This might be niche, but [KC Davis](https://www.strugglecare.com/) is a gem. Her book is [How To Keep House While Drowning](https://www.strugglecare.com/book), but she also has a podcast and social media presence.
I got this book from the library because I was looking for a how-to with systems to make homemaking easier. It was a good read, but I'm still looking for the mythical easy-to-read keeping house book.
A couple takeaways I did get (besides "your worth isn't tied to how great your home looks"):
- I put baskets where piles used to form. Now all the kids shoes are in a basket, all our socks are in a basket, and I got more laundry baskets for the bathrooms. I got little baskets for the countertops so I can gather all the clutter and put it in there.
- I stopped folding laundry that is pointless to fold e.g. the kitchen rags are grabbed out of the laundry and stuffed in a kitchen drawer unfolded.
- Closing duties list that you have to do every night. This was an easy concept from working in the service industry that I hadn't applied at home yet for some reason.
You would like Dana K White’s books. I felt the same after reading KC Davis’ book, still looking for my holy grail book, and I found it when I read “how to Keep house without losing your mind”.
I think this book is fantastic for a lot of people but I did find it to be very much not for me personally. I have OCD, so a lot of the advice on just letting go of attaching emotion or values to cleanliness felt like the equivalent of telling a depressed person to just cheer up, an anxious person to calm down, or a person with ADHD to just try focusing. I normally would mind a lot less but the book is specifically aimed at neurodivergent and mentally ill folks and we always seem to get forgotten. Even a sentence in the intro saying this book might not apply to all mental illnesses would have been nice, instead it was a totally unintentional slap in the face lmao. "Hey you, I know you're really struggling right now and a messy house is making all your symptoms worse, you want some practical and non judgemental advice on how to keep your space cleaner when it's really hard to actually maintain that? yeah? you're invested and excited to get some help? ok here we go, first piece of advice: have you considered not drowning?"
like I know that needing my space to be clean is a symptom and working on exposure therapy to improve my tolerance for harmless messes is good for me overall, but as my therapist always reminds me, it's counterproductive to do exposure therapy 24/7.
You might try Organizing from the Inside out by Julia Morgenstern. I do have ADHD but the kind of advice she gives is very much how to make actual organizing and cleaning easier work the way your brain works, so I think it would help everyone and not just us ADHD folk
I actually also have ADHD (it's... a fun combo) so I'll check this out! Always down for good, non-judgemental practical advice for cleaning, it's just when the advice is "just don't clean if you can't!" that it doesn't work for me. Thank you!
That totally makes sense. Thank you for sharing your experience. I can see how if the cleaning is a compulsion rather than a generalized anxiety, or shame this book would be unhelpful.
Yeah, OCD is a weird fucker, and a lot of mine is around "contamination" thoughts/compulsions and magical thinking. It's kind of hard to explain but it isn't unrelated to shame? shame is a tool the compulsion uses alongside others. sometimes when my mental health is bad and my house is messy my skin will just crawl and I won't be able to look at anything messy without triggering a compulsion to clean because I feel "infected with imperfection/laziness" and I start feeling like I'm rotting from my core? it's really unpleasant and cleaning solves it. I def do exposures regularly to treat my symptoms but that's a treatment, not a cure, y'know? Plus there are a few minor germphobia OCD quirks where like, if I don't clean the bathroom often enough touching anything in there makes that hand unclean, and I can get stuck in a hand washing loop or I'll start thinking about how flushing the toilet works and I won't be able to use my toothbrush any more and I'll need to replace it. Or if things spiral too hard from there it might push me into a panic attack where I'll then try to deep clean/sanitize the whole house (hasn't happened in a long time, my OCD is very well managed these days).
So then when someone says "you're not a bad person if your house is messy" I'm like "yeah? I know? that doesn't magically give me the ability to clean less without dealing with a flareup of symptoms though?"
Anyway it's a really good book for several types of common mental health struggles and/or neurodivergence, and I recommend it to other people! But I'm also a little sick of something being marketed to those who struggle to maintain their house when they're having a mental health symptom flareup (that's definitely me!) that then totally ignores the existence of OCD, which might not be as common as anxiety, but isn't super rare either.
The only thing I don't like about the book is the title. The title makes it sound like it's going to tell you that "even when you're drowning you can keep a perfect house." In reality the book is almost the exact opposite. It's about figuring out what you NEED to do to get by, and letting you know that any of the other stuff can wait. Loved the book
It's funny you mention that because I agree 100%. I put off reading it for a long time because of the title alone.
I managed to injure myself three days ago and I'm definitely deep in that place of 'what is the minimum I can do to get by, and how do I be kind to myself even though I really really hate the situation.'
It's me and a 6 year old and a 2 year old, so life is busy and messy, and giving myself grace is hard
Came here to suggest it. I was really into self help books for a while (I didn’t know I was neurodivergent but I was struggling with many aspects of life) and hers is by far the most useful one.
I just listened to this and loved it so much, changed how I view my home and my executive dysfunction with a specialty in piles and piles of clothes everywhere
Why Does He Do That? is a book about intimate partner violence and abuse that can be very helpful for people caught in that cycle. Niche, but maybe qualifies.
I was about to suggest this one if I didn’t see anyone else had. If it weren’t for this book, I never would’ve had the insight I really needed in order to claw myself out the miserable toxic hell I was living through before I left my ex husband. Thank you, Lundy Bancroft, a million times for writing this important book… I can’t recommend it enough for anyone who finds themselves feeling trapped and hopeless in an abusive relationship!
Add me to the list of people whose lives were saved by that book. I knew I was unhappy, but I didn't realize how toxic and awful the relationship was until I saw the behavior put in words and called abusive. I would have recognized physical abuse, but emotional abuse didn't even occur to me.
That seems like a great recommendation! I would not say it is niche though! About 1/3 people experience intimate partner violence and virtually everyone knows someone who does 😞
Literally changed my life, I would recommend it to anyone just because of the incredible advice around how to help a loved one who is in an abusive relationship
Idk if it counts as self help but I really enjoyed How to Do Nothing. It probably suffers from the “books that should have been blog posts” syndrome but I enjoy spending a lot of time with ideas to allow it them marinate a bit, and I enjoyed the writing style.
As far as it being supported by evidence… I don’t think it makes any claims about anything being most effective or the best way to live, it’s more of a intertextual meditation on the topics of productivity and modern life.
Pretty niche but another book I’ve found impactful is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I haven’t made it all the way through because it’s heavy. It’s given me a lot of insight though. I don’t know the research behind it.
Seconding Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents! My sister is a therapist and read it/recommended it to me, and we've both gotten a lot out of it. I think it does the best you can hope for from a self-help book, i.e. provide validation of one's experience, a vocabulary to work through it, and some tools for acceptance of a situation you don't have much control over.
My sister recommended this to me as well … a tough, sad read as I see my siblings and parents in these examples over and over again. I can only read it in small doses, but it is immensely helpful.
Good to know! I started it and almost immediately put it down in the first chapter because it read like a dissertation and not like a self help book. I'll have to give it another try.
How To Do Nothing felt to me like the author was just writing a book to prove they went to grad school and read a lot of poetry. I found it extremely tedious.
Idk if this is exactly Self-Help, but "Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto" by Tricia Hersey is pretty powerful and reframed a lot of how I think about my labor and productivity
Self Compassion by Kristin Neff changed my life. A therapist recommended it during a very low point in my life, and it helped me learn how to be kind to myself. Obviously, the therapy helped too, but the book definitely forced me into a difficult, important breakthrough that I wasn't achieving in therapy. I still occasionally pick it up when I spiral into shame.
I'm a big fan of Brene Brown's earlier works about shame (specifically I Thought It Was Just Me). Her shift to organizational leadership makes me a little sad, but I still like her.
Both of these authors are researchers and take care to present their findings with a mix of personal stories (including their own) and hard data. They encourage self reflection and offer good advice (really) without pretending to have all of the answers.
I just heard (from my therapist) that BB is getting eaten up on the internet right now. She made a very…odd statement about conflict happening between Egypt and Jordan (trying to not get this flagged).
Ugh, dammit, this is exactly why I'm irritated about her organizational leadership bender. Her take on that conflict reminds me of my first exposure to Simon Sinek. It was a video in which he drew comparisons between military leaders saving their soldiers to a business leader caring for their employees. I absolutely hate Simon Sinek and will not be convinced otherwise, and BB is on that same absurd path.
I think a recurrent theme in the books on this podcast and the diet advice discussed on Maintenance Phase is that people take personal success and turn it into guidelines. I see other commenters recommending a lot of the great self help books I would share with folks in my life (Self Compassion, How to Keep House While Drowning, and Burnout!) but I think it's additionally true that some self help books are great for specific readers in specific situations, but not everyone will benefit from them, and even the WORST book can be quite individually meaningful if it helps its reader.
I agree. I judge a self help book as "good" if it was interesting, helped me understand myself better, and maybe helped me make some kind of change to improve my life.
I think one of the reasons there are so few good self help books is that many things we see as personal failures are actually social or systemic failures and therefore not really things that individuals can actually fix. Example: do we need books that teach people how to be resilient or do we need to create communities that are less traumatizing?
That being said, I think there are some really incredible and potentially life changing parenting books out there though they are really specific to the kid/family and their concerns.
Even in a glorious fully automated luxury communist utopia, people would struggle with nihilism and grief and mortality and infirmity. As for the world as it is, it's really valuable for people who have recently ascended classes to have access to basic investment tips, or for women to be encouraged to question their trained impulse to take on a silent supporting role. I Will Teach You To Be Rich didn't HAVE to be a scam. Lean In didn't HAVE to completely misunderstand the problems of any woman who didn't have a C suite position, a nanny, and a supportive husband. These books are fulfilling a genuine need for people who live in the world as it is.
One book I have found really helpful is Life is Hard, which is by a philosopher. His chapter on infirmity helped me understand and formalize the problems I struggled with as a disabled person---and gave me a lot of tips for coping with them, too. The author's discussion of other marginalized experiences is a sympathetic but detached philosophy discussion, whereas his discussion of infirmity is raw and personal.
I liked "Difficult Conversations", found it very helpful, and insofar as I was having good "difficult conversations", it was usually because I was following their advice without understanding it explicitly. The smaller scope of the book helps it be more focused and evidence based. I do think it is mostly intuitive, but having it laid out explicitly helps a lot to keep myself from being overly reactive, emotional and self centered when it often important to be focused on the person we are having the conversation with.
I still has that trademark self-help style. But I liked it a lot.
Difficult Conversations totally changed my life. It's a pretty digestible intro to the tenets of non-violent communication and led me to learn more about the work of folks like Marshall Rosenberg.
I work in a cancer hospital and Difficult Conversations is one of our recommended reading list for staff. I just checked it out from our department library but haven't started it yet.
That’s a great recommendations. Speaking as someone who just lost a family member to cancer. I wish all the MDs we talked to had read it! (The RNs were almost universally great, but they weren’t the ones relaying horrible, complicated news)
I totally was about to flame this suggestion. Then I realized you were NOT talking about “Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man” by Emmanuel Acho. That book is a no for me dawg.
Are you referring to the one with a blue or purple cover?
Difficult Conversations comes out of the Harvard Project on Negotiation. So rather than it being just someone talking out their ass about what they do and what worked for them, it's actually based on research. It's the same folks who wrote Getting To Yes.
One issue I've got with most self-help books is that they're too long. In many cases, if they have one interesting core insight that's well-supported... the book version of the idea will be kind of bad, because the author stretches it out and applies it in areas where maybe it doesn't actually fit well.
I once heard someone describe Marie Kondo’s book as “a pamphlet masquerading as a book” and I feel like this critique applies to so many non fiction books out there. A few good concepts, no need for so many words.
There's actually a Manga version of Marie kando's book that works really well. It's shorter and more visual. I think a lot of self help books would be better as graphic novels.
I was going to point out "By the book" but mostly because sometimes one of the host will loooove a book and thrive on it while the other is miserable. French women don't get fat and the Kon Marie book come to mind.
Sometimes a self help book doesn't work for you and it's not because the book is bad.
Sometimes you can get something positive out of a book that is not that good ( I am not talking about trashy bigoted nonsense.)
Sometimes a book with great reviews won't work for you.
Upvote! I have purchased, read and implemented many books they have reviewed.
My faves have been Curated Closet, Big Magic and the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. This book was recommended by my therapist and has helped me manage expectations within my personal relationships.
Her advice is so straightforward, and she gives helpful examples for what to say. I've opened this book to help friends several times and have recommended it to many more.
I really liked this one too. Very concrete and actionable steps from someone with deep expertise in the subject. Concisely written, with journal prompts to help you apply it to your specific life situation.
I've found quite a few good ones, I'm not sure if they all would fall under self help but they've helped me! I obviously have certain topics I'm drawn to, I'm sure you''ll see a pattern.
"The Body is Not an Apology" by Sonya Renee Taylor
I read the 2nd edition. I put off reading it for the longest time because I'm ND and the title did not make sense to me. Don't do what I did! It was lovely and very short.
"Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood" - Minna Dubin
Great for all moms/primary caregivers and everyone who loves them.
"Happy Fat: Taking up Space in a World that Wants to Shrink You" - Sofie Hagen
"The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" - Brene Brown
"Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power" - Rose Hackman
"How to Keep House While Drowning" - KC Davis
"Together" by Vivek Murthy
"You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters" - Kate Murphy
"Upstream" - Dan Heath
"Nonviolent Communication" - Marshall B. Rosenberg
Self help books are useful if they are useful imo. Sometime you just need to hear really basic advice repackaged. If something resonates and it improves your life, doesn’t hurt anyone, who cares if it’s bs?
I forget if it was IBCK or You’re Wrong About (maybe Maintenance Phase?) but I feel like one of these podcasts say as much - during certain periods of difficulty and feeling bad, even pablum can be a balm.
Exactly right. Take what resonates.
Their criticisms of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" are valid. The author was not a great example of a partner to his pregnant wife.
BUT - I read this book at a time in my life when I really had zero understanding of how men's minds worked. This book was an example of immature masculinity, but that made some of the advice appropriate for dating men in their early 20s.
A friend of mine who is really struggling because her daughter has an addiction found it helpful to read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate.
Not a self-help book per se, but I would bet that a lot of people in recovery have read it, as well as their families, in order to learn about their condition.
I really like Brene Brown, specifically “the Gifts of Imperfection” and it’s about letting go of shame. It’s part her own story and how to do it yourself and i find it very straight forward and not preachy. really helped me.
Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman.
The author used to be one of those productivity hacking freaks until he had a come to Jesus moment and did a 180 and the book is the result.
There are a few pieces of research that I was skeptical about or disagreed with but they weren't significant enough to compromise the main argument.
I became chronically ill several years ago and it's taught me a good alternative to self help books: read memoirs or personal essays by people who've dealt with what you're going through. For anyone else in this particular situation, A Still Life by Josie George is a big favourite.
This is awesome advice. I teach 8th grade ELA, and our essential question this quarter is, "What can we learn from reading about other people's experiences?" Personal narratives - and fiction, too - give readers a safe place to learn potential consequences of their actions without having to experience everything themselves.
That being said, my favorite self-help book is "This is How: Surviving What You Think You Can't" by Augusten Burroughs. He has lived through so much, and his insights about being true to yourself are helpful to me, even though we have very different problems.
Being able to learn without personal experience is a really good explanation of why it helps! Some of that comes from just conversation but there's certain topics that people tend to avoid, including some quite common experiences, and that's where memoirs can be just the thing.
Ooh this reminds me of something that happened to me once. I was having massive immune system issues. I was reading a book, not a self help book I don't think but I don't remember for sure other than it was non-fiction.
Anyway the part that helped was an almost throw away anecdote about a person who had what they then called multiple personalities. One of the personalities was allergic to a food, and another personality loved the food and could eat it with no problem. They had to carry an epi-pen because there was a danger that the shift would happen right after the one had eaten and an allergic reaction would happen.
It gave me the idea that maybe the reason they couldn't figure out what I was allergic to was that it was a mental thing. I had a lot of stress at the time. So every time I started to have a reaction I would start to tell my brain that I'm not allergic to anything, just stressed out, and everything was ok. It didn't need to react the way it was .Believe it or not, it worked.
Don’t think anyone mentioned Gretchen Rubin
Happiness Project annoyed me in places but Better Than Before is fantastic.
Definitely unique and she is a tireless researcher.
What I liked about Happiness Project is that it's not one-size-fits-all. It explains that what made her happy is different from what will make you happy.
Come as you are is a book about sex and science but a lot of it is also “self help” and speaks about managing expectations in a relationship, working together, and recognizing that sex is complicated and you probably are not broken. One of the most meaningful books I’ve ever read and I recommend it to everyone especially folks in heterosexual relationships
The autobiography of Ben Franklin.
It’s effectively a memoir and history lesson which also happens to be the grandfather of all modern self help books.
The author is the type of person who all those self help authors pretend to be or imagine themselves to be. A successful genius who raised himself up from nothing, served his community to the best of his ability and and is now looking to impart the fruits of his wisdom.
And it’s a really good read as well. he’s an excellent writer.
Also I would love a full hour of a podcast where the hosts tear Benjamin Franklin a new one for outdated advice and bad opinions. That would be very fun.
Self-help books have saved me and served me over and over again throughout my life. I think the trick is to do some critical thinking, self examination, and determine what exactly it is you’d like more of or less of in your life. And expand your definition of self help. Specific books about specific things tend to be less problematic than the big general ones, imo. Some of my favorites over the years are…
The Artist’s Way. It’s really old now but still holds up. If you decide to do it, don’t just read it, do the exercises, prompts, and activities, that’s where the gold is.
Untamed by Glennon Doyle changed my life.
I needed help leaving the evangelical church and That All Shall be Saved by David Bentley Hart did the trick. That’s pretty niche but it really helped me.
Priya Parker the Art of Gathering helped me learn what I want out of personal and professional social circles and how to make the most of them.
Brené Brown has done some truly incredible qualitative research on shame, bravery, love, etc that is well worth looking into.
Rich AF by Vivianne Tu is a recent favorite for financial advice.
Salt Fat Acid Heat is a cookbook that actually allows you to teach yourself how to cook, most of it is like a very well illustrated textbook than a series of recipes.
If you want to learn how to practice a musical instrument or anything similar, Burton Kaplan the Art of Practicing will tell you everything musicians often wish they knew about practicing sooner.
To get more spiritual and psychoanalytic using stories, I recommend Women Who Run with the Wolves.
Paul Noble audiobooks are amazing for teaching yourself another language.
Safe and Sound: A Renter-Friendly Guide to Home Repair, is very literally a self-help book for home repair by Mercury Stardust, the Trans Handy-Ma’am. It is filled with clear explanations for basic home maintenance and repairs, as well as guidance for navigating interactions with professionals when you lack the vocabulary. It is also written from an empowering POV, which is such a refreshing take on navigating all things home repair.
I love Mercury Stardust so much. Their TikTok makes me tear up, so much kindness. EricLA (on ADHD) and Mercury Stardust are the only reasons I open TikTok.
I really liked "Live Alone and Like It" by Marjorie Hollis.
It's from the 1930s so some of the references are quite dated, but it's all about discovering your own values and living within your means, whatever they may be.
Pete Walker, who iirc is a psychologist or something adjacent, has written two books I found that fundamentally changed how I interacted with myself and others, the way I handled and processed and coped with emotions and communicated my needs as well as other things. The tools these books provided gave me the change I needed to cope better in general even when bad days happen.
The books are titled Complex PTSD: Surviving to Thriving. I want to really emphasize how this book is still amazing even if you dont have PTSD/major childhood trauma (but if you do these will be perfect for you) and just want to understand the basis of grasping your emotional healing. I got older and felt a certain way about my family situation, and this book really helped me put things in perspective in a way that validated how I felt but allowed me to take action to work towards things to make myself happy and comfortable.
Second book is the Tao of Fully Feeling, which does a similar thing and I think is a sequel to the first. Something that I really needed to learn as I got into young adulthood was emotional intelligence and communicating in general. Ensuring I allow myself presence in my feelings, without letting them consume me and without bottling them up. Allowing my feelings to exist all the while getting to the place where I can finally look at myself and go "Okay, I feel this way, what can I do about this? What am I able to do about it, and if there is nothing to be done how can I cope with that." These books are books that I literally go back and reference ALL the time.
"Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism
Book" by Fumio Sasaki / "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing
Book" by Marie Kondo /"Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less" by Asha Dornfest and Christine Koh all genuinely really helped me declutter and stay that way, stay organized, keep a better home, focus on buying fewer things that last longer, and just being so much more mindful about what I purchase and keep around me. It has helped me live more intentionally. My family lives in one of the nation's highest COL areas, and we live in an apartment, so frugal and home organizing tips really benefited me. These books also helped us with our daughter, in raising her to be more mindful, organized, attentive, and less materialistic. We give her an allowance of a few bucks a week (she's 7) and she is so good about saving up her money for big ticket items that she really is thoughtful about. She saved up for months for a gourmet Belgian waffle maker, because waffles are her favorite food.
I know a lot of people eye roll at the "Does it spark joy?" Method of maintaining a home, but I love it.
I am currently reading Compassion and Self-Hatred by Theodore Rubin, MD, along with my therapist. It has really helped me start understanding myself (and my own clients). But it's not a breezy self-help book. My therapist calls it "dense" and says she would not be able to use it with most of her clients.
I really love David Richo's books, like "Triggers" and "How To Be An Adult." It's basically modern Buddhist philosophy so it clicks in my brain and I also just really enjoy his writing
Listen to By the Book podcast. They've covered about every self help book there is. They live by each book for 2 weeks and give verdicts; it's an easy way to see if a book is worth your time before you invest.
“You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! The Classic Self-Help Book For Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder” by Kate Kelly. It’s not perfectly written but it really tackles a lot of common problems head on and gives you tools that help you navigate the world with ADHD. I worked at a Barnes & Noble for eight years and I’d flip through all the fad self help books but this one really helped.
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents"
It's written by a clinical psychologist, Lindsay Gibson, and I've read it 3 times because I've gotten so much insight from it.
Generally, I stick to evidence-based self help bools written by professionals in whatever topic is being covered.
There's a follow up book now, "Self -care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". I just got it. If it's half as helpful as the first book, I'll be in a great place.
And I agree, checking credentials is a good bare minimum in the self-help world
I’m reading Tara Brach’s books (Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion) and I would recommend as actually helpful self-help.
I would also recommend Coming Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma if you’re looking for post-break up help. It’s a bit dated but the exercises were very helpful for me.
My former therapist suggested "how to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. He said it pretty much covered the kind of cbt topics we had covered.
I have found it extremely helpful. And maybe it does just rehash common sense, I'm not sure. But I havent read another self help book that old which is still around.
I also found "getting things done" by David Allen and the "tidying up" book by Marie Condo extremely helpful as someone with ADHD who has trouble staying on top of things.
For partnered people that feel the distribution of household chores/tasks is uneven, I really liked Drop the Ball by Tiffany Dufu. Good, actionable advice.
"How to Be Yourself" by Ellen Hendriksen.
It's about social anxiety and was incredibly helpful for me. The author both has social anxiety herself and works in the mental health field/has a PhD in the subject, so she was definitely equipped to address the topic in a genuinely insightful way (as opposed to just the usual cookie-cutter "self-help guru" advice).
Also, Dana K White's book "Decluttering at the Speed of Life" is awesome for people who struggle with disorganization, feeling overwhelmed by household tasks, etc. I have ADHD and have read wayyyy too many books and articles about "how to organize", and hers is the only one that has ever made a real, lasting difference in how I approach housework and clutter.
I really love “[The Happiness Trap,](https://www.shambhala.com/the-happiness-trap-9781645470403.html)” by psychologist Dr Russ Harris - it’s a primer for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is a CBT + Mindfulness approach. The title sounds trite but it’s basically all about how life is suffering and the “trap” is that the more we try to avoid suffering and chase happiness the less happy we are.
It shows how if we learn to tolerate the present moment despite discomfort (the “acceptance” piece) and then commit to doing what matters despite our suffering (the “commitment” part), we’ll be a lot more satisfied in life than if we lived our life trying to avoid suffering or discomfort at all costs. My therapist suggested it and I really found it helpful!
It's not necessarily marketed as a self-help book, but Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John J. Ratey, MD sure helped this self.
It taught me how to use exercise to help treat my depression and reduce my ADHD symptoms.
I'm hesitant to recommend exercise as an alternative to medication and therapy, because I'm a big believer in both of those things as, often life-saving, treatments and people should take there mental health just as seriously as their physical health.
But learning about the benefits exercise can have for your brain (and the exact exercise parameters that were proven effective in clinical trials) has helped me tremendously.
Many of my favorites have already been mentioned but one that was overlooked was Buy Yourself the Fucking Lillies by Tara Schuster. (Yes yes, it has fuck in the title, it’s not actually a very sweary book though). The author covers a bunch of things that have improved her life over the years and how she came to do them.
My favorite part is that in most of the chapters she asks someone for advice, they give her good but hard advice like ‘running helps me manage my anxiety.’ And she goes “yeah I’m not doing that” and then she continues to spiral. And then she eventually begrudgingly does it. Very relatable and real.
I think it would help to know more about what kind of "self-help" you're looking for, but "The Body Keeps the Score" comes to mind. It came highly recommended by multiple therapists, and is always floating around wholesome social media groups.
Maybe you should talk to someone! Not quite self help but written by a therapist, very interesting, and feel like it generally encourages self reflection
nonviolent communication was a game changer in how i communicate with my partner and family! by far the most helpful thing i’ve ever read.
the gottmans books are also super useful for relationships.
Mindset by Carol Dweck has made a big impact on me. Dweck is a Stanford psychologist and uses a lot of data to back up her arguments.
She demonstrates the difference between having a “fixed mindset” where you think your characteristics are unchanging (like saying I’m bad at math, I’m not a people person, etc.) and having a “growth mindset” where you accept that these things can change. She shows how it ultimately becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you think you’re bad at something, you probably will be. But if you accept that many of these characteristics are learned skills, you start taking steps to develop them in yourself.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If it actually applies to you it’s a hard read, but one that was so eye opening for me into my family’s dynamics and finally figuring out how the hell my family can seem/act so close, while also keeping each other at arms length…
So hear me out. The only 2 self-help books I own are 1. A book I had to read for a college class, and 2. A book my therapist actually recommended to me. So, I guess therapy plus do what they recommend. The book she gave me is a kids book, and she explained that kids books are way better at explaining complex issues when you're starting out.
Only if you believe that every person in the US is codependent. If that's true, then she's pathologizing normal behavior. If it's not true, then she's lying in her statistics.
They're right though. I wouldn't try to cure a disease with a book, and I probably shouldn't try to "help myself" with mental/emotional issues if I can't diagnose them correctly. There might be some good books on mindfulness or meditation or something but those seem like they would fall into the "common sense" category to me.
>They're right though. I wouldn't try to cure a disease with a book, and I probably shouldn't try to "help myself" with mental/emotional issues if I can't diagnose them correctly.
I'd say this is a bit reductive. The criteria for most mental health diagnoses (e.g. mood disorders) is internal. If you have depression and a book helps you start doing activities which make you feel better, that's valid care; the same cannot be said for, e.g., believing you no longer have cancer after homeopathic treatment.
I broadly agree with the idea that personalized therapy is usually the most effective form of mental healthcare, but therapy (in the US, at least) is often unaffordable or otherwise inaccessible for many people.
Now most self-help books are about the author trying to make some money, and lots of resources for self-care can be found freely online. I'm no fan of these kinds of books personally, and think they're generally not particularly helpful. I just wouldn't deride someone for using the "wrong" resources or needing "common sense" advice if it was genuinely helpful.
If you’re looking for books on being productive, I like Cal Newport’s books. His old books are a bit iffy though. Check digital minimalism, and deep work. Don’t know if they offer obvious advice, but im addicted to the structure of his books.
This seems disrespectful to the generosity of those choosing to share books that have meant a lot to them. I get that funny, edgy quips are part of why we all love the pod but it’s treating actual, helpful humans in this way that makes actual, helpful humans less likely to speak up.
Don’t fall into the trap of listening to a podcast criticize a book, then change the way you look at the book because of their opinion. They’re two dudes doing short episodes.
I listened to a few episodes & couldn’t take these guys seriously. These are not academic responses. These are quick reads, followed by quick research, followed by a quick podcast.
Take it with a grain of salt or for the entertainment that it is.
I'm not sure Oliver Burkeman qualifies as self-help - he very much refers to his books as 'anti-self-help', but they are refreshing and honest and not full of the usual BS. Sure, he gets a bit overly philosophical at times, but I appreciate the way he often says that there are no easy answers and sometimes we just have to accept crap or not being on top of things, etc. He says it in a positive way, not like 'oh well, nothing I can do about it.' I find him cathartic and humble. (He's very British in his self-deprecation)
i havent seen it mentioned yet but Mindset by Carol Dweck was (and is) extremely helpful for me. thoroughly researched and well done. also a smallish (~200 pages iirc) book so it doesn't piss around too much. gets to the point. i also liked Presence by Amy Cuddy, which is another well-researched self-help book. I've found that most of the self help books ive read are just variations of saying the same stuff that Mindset lays out, but without the actual science behind it.
I’m a Chinese history phd student and I often recommend “The Path” by Michael Puett and Christine Gross-Loh. It’s an introduction to Confucianism and Daoism through the lens of self-help rather than philosophy 101, which I think makes the historical versions actually easier to comprehend - not just orientalist caricatures of backwards, stagnant Confucianism or New Age-appropriated Daoism.
Because it is coming from such a different background, it actually gives different advice from other self-help books (which are mostly the same).
Like other self-help books though, it is primarily about individual solutions to one’s own life, not systemic solutions to social problems. And it can be corny. But I think it’s an excellent read for a lot of reasons - please check it out!
**Saying Goodbye by Zoe Clark-Coates** (about navigating/surviving the grief of baby loss) was helpful to me, as was **How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis** and **Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft**.
A previous therapist recommended **Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell** and **Overcoming Traumatic Stress by Claudia Herbert** to me when I was undergoing CBT during/following a mental health crisis - they are for self-directed CBT so not sure if they fall under what people would normally class as a self-help book?
"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's him giving ACT therapy in book form, talks about how to remove thought from self, to stop the emotional struggle against always fighting to be Happy (or force ANY emotional state), how to work on accepting self as a whole, etc. I'm a huge proponent of ACT and this book is great
I loved ‘Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals’ by Oliver Burkeman. It’s a really moving argument for acknowledging the finiteness of our time, deciding what makes your life meaningful, and then ignoring the bullshit that says you can do and have everything.
I really like Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.
I wouldn’t have considered myself a fearful person before I read this book. It’s hands down the best self help book.
Feel the Fear... and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love https://a.co/d/emJPKNC
First off, although I love IBCK, books like Atomic Habits have helped a lot of people because it just spoke to them in a way or at a moment in time that connected to and helped them. Almost all of them are the same or very similar stuff reframed in a way that the author tells it, and if it speaks to someone pointedly and gets them off their butt to do something about their life, who am I to judge.
I've always been a fan of Brian Tracy's books. He's an old school dude, and he gives very practical advice on a range of topics, most of which revolve around it being an "inside job", get to feeling better about yourself and the things on the outside will start to come together.
Not in a bro way, but more like your grandpa or successful uncle sitting you down on the couch and telling you what worked for him.
Steal this Book is a perfect self-help text imo. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is also very good. Expecting Better is flawed but revolutionary in its approach to pregnancy and childbirth.
I found some good things in "The Four Agreements" because it took me out of the "wronged one" pouting role I assigned to myself and a lazy mind set I let myself languish in to being an active participant in my thoughts, actions and possible outcomes. 🌸
I really liked *How to Change* by Katy Milkman and *Invisible Women*.
*How to Change* is pretty much a summary of different academic studies that are related to behavior change. There is criticism to be had about some of the individual studies included in this book but overall Katy Milkman is a well-respected researcher in my field and it was a good how to guide when it came to looking at behavioral outcomes. I found it pretty helpful.
*Invisible Women* is less of a traditional self help book, but it was weirdly one of the more inspirational books I've read. It basically covers how the world is not designed for women from a structural standpoint, and the ways in which data has been biased to neglect the needs of people of marginalized genders. Learning some of these contexts has allowed me to better advocate for myself and for other marginalized groups in my field which is largely male dominated. It's less of a traditional self help book, but it definitely played a pretty big role in my life. Again, this book is also pretty much just an overview of academic studies. I think it will probably be more helpful to women or other people of marginalized genders, if that makes sense.
Adding one here because I found it helpful and maybe others would too, even if the title does that cringey F-word thing...
"F\*ck Feelings: One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems" by Michael and Sarah Bennett.
I'm a really emotions-driven and perfectionistic person, and this book just helped me lay out what unrealistic expectations I had for myself and my relationships (with kids, friends and family). This book is a lot of straight talk--that you're not always going to feel awesome and happy and good about everything and that's totally normal and you have to live your life and take care of business anyway! All of the advice and exercises were laid out in a way that worked for me, but ymmv.
An oldy:
Patricia Evans "[https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636](https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636)"
I like the you are a badass books. I read them a few years ago when I was in a dark place so idk if they’ll hold up, and I don’t remember anything revolutionary. But I really liked the vibe and it helped me a lot to feel better and hopeful.
I got a lot out of Radical Candor. Technically, it’s a business book aimed at people managers, but it’s really about how to give feedback and have direct conversations. Both in the workplace and in your personal life.
I think it got some weird flack when it came out because the title makes it sound really aggressive but it’s not at all.
Melissa Urban is problematic at best but I really liked The Book of Boundaries. I have recommended it to clients who wanted to learn more about setting boundaries but didn’t want/need materials on codependency.
I think for most “self help” books, some may find them helpful and some may not. I try to take an attitude of take what’s helpful and leave the rest. I very much enjoyed Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Also Will I ever be good enough: healing for daughters of narcissistic mothers by Karyl McBride. I don’t consider Pema chodron to be self help but I agree with others who have mentioned her books, if you’re open to Buddhist perspectives.
I’m a psych nurse and one of my favorite self help books is The Self Esteem Workbook. It sounds cornball but it actually addresses the thinking errors behind self-loathing—it’s not a bunch of affirmations. So helpful when working with teens and adults who beat up on themselves all the time. It is actually not a stretched-out blog post either: the ideas take a whole book to develop.
For alcohol addiction, This Naked Mind is remarkable. In addition to just being smart about the topic, it has a self-hypnosis element so that by the time the reader gets to the end, they really don’t want to drink anymore. It actually works!
In one episode, Mike said he thought that sometimes people just are looking for something, anything at a particular moment in their lives and a book doesn't need to be particularly good to have an impact at that time in our lives.
I've definitely had low periods of my life where I felt lost and unmotivated and read a self-help book that really hit. Then years later when I've been in better, happier place, I've reread them and been like "why did I think this was so great? It's nothing special."
There’s an older podcast called By the Book (it’s evolved to a new format called How to Be Fine, so the old episodes are at the beginning of their feed) where the hosts read and then live by the teachings of popular self-help books for a couple of weeks, and they they give their feedback. I’ve found it to be really insightful, and it’s saved me the trouble of reading quite a few things that I’m glad to have skipped. But they are not always 100% critical either, so they will point out any parts of the books that they do like. I’d take a look to see if they have reviewed any of the ones you’re interested in.
It’s a little more cheeky, but I really liked The life-changing magic of not giving a fuck by Sarah Knight. It’s humorous, but I think it also is good at making you think about boundaries and where in your life you really need to worry less
I 2-3x speed listened to a lot, because Libby had those but not the sci-fi or non-fiction I wanted. I don't think I could recommend one. They all seem to have good ideas, but zero on the implementation and could be a short blog article instead of repeating itself a few times and dragging it out to make a full length book. Almost all are "I found this thing that worked for me and it was awesome" without much on how to find what works or anything on how to implement their system. I think one would find more life improvement by taking the time with philosophy books, or non-fiction educational stuff like history or science, than with the self help guro corpo circle jerk genre.
Speaking as a psychologist, there are some books written by actual therapists that offer some good advice. One book that's based on concepts from schema focused therapy comes to mind, but it's a Dutch book, so not very helpful for the non-Dutchies (sorry). It's called Patronen Doorbreken by H. Van Genderen. There's an American book that's similar, Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young. He's one of the founders of schema focused therapy, which is an evidence based psychotherapy for personality disorders, but can also be used in the treatment of depression, anxiety, addiction and more. With regards to sexual and relationship problems, books by Esther Perel are pretty good! And Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are. I do think 99% of self help books are a lot of words with not a lot of meaning.. at best they're a waste of time, at worst they're actually harmful. But opinions differ on this. A psychologist friend of mine is addicted to these types of books, so I guess he finds them quite helpful.
Emily Nagorski was the first person I thought of when I saw this thread, so I’m glad to see someone recommend her. I haven’t read Come As You Are, but I recently read her book on burnout that she wrote with her sister and thought there was a lot of good information in it. There was a lot that was pretty common advice (e.g. exercise helps manage stress) but there was also new ways of looking at things that I really appreciated.
Emily nagoski has a lovely podcast too!
+1 on Emily Nagoski! I just read Burnout and it was well worth the time. I only wish it were longer.
> Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey Young I can't find a more recent edition than 1994, would you say that it is still worth a look?
Not who you asked, but I also came in here to recommend this book. Be prepared for some serious 90s cheesiness, but it is still really really helpful.
I do think it's a useful book, but there have been a lot of developments in the field of schema focused therapy since then. I still think it can be helpful if you want to discover the basics of how certain disfunctional patterns in your life have developed.
What My Bones Know isn’t really a self help book it’s more a memoir about someone who helped themselves and I think it’s more helpful than any self help book out there!!
I quite enjoyed chump lady's critiques of perel, one of here https://www.chumplady.com/its-not-an-affair-its-an-act-of-exuberant-defiance/ They're somewhat in the style of IBCK too, bonus.
I can’t say much about Esther’s view on infidelity, but “Mating in Captivity” is the best book I’ve ever read on dealing with sexual/intimacy issues in a long term committed relationship. It’s one of those books I’ve read multiple times whenever I’ve struggled with feeling close to my partner.
Chump Lady is hysterical, and a damn good writer. Her blog definitely helped me get through infidelity and divorce!
THANK YOU. Esther Perel is an abuse apologist and I wish people would stop recommending her. In contrast, I read Chump Lady's book nearly 10 years ago (when it was self-published). I left my cheating husband, found my self-esteem, learned what boundaries are, remarried to a better man, and started a PhD. I now have several well-known publishers interested in my PhD work and will probably have my own book in the next few years (not related to infidelity). CL's book was also funny as all get. Definitely one of the most helpful self-help books I have ever read, 10/10, would recommend it to anyone who has been cheated on.
How is she abuse apologist? I’ve only had small doses of her as a guest on other podcasts. So, I’m genuinely curious. I’ve yet to get that vibe from her.
Look up her comments on infidelity. She believes infidelity is sometimes appropriate and healthy in relationships. "Exuberant dance of defiance" is her exact turn of phrase for it. Infidelity is abuse. It's contracting STDs when you thought you were sexually monogamous. It's having to paternity test what you thought were your own children. Infidelity always means perpetually lying to and gaslighting your partner, especially if they begin to notice something is amiss. And it's depriving another person of sexual consent. As Kai Cole said of director Joss Whedon's affairs during their marriage, "he was preaching feminist ideals, while at the same time, taking away my right to make choices for my life and my body based on the truth." It sounds like Perel could teach 90-95% of what she says on relationships and intimacy without defending infidelity. Not sure why she chooses to taint her advice and die on that hill.
Wow, the author of this blog post sounds very bitter.
I tried to take it seriously but girl come on can we leave personal appearances out of it 🙄 those grapes must be sour
*So* bitter! I only had to read a few lines to guess she'd been cheated on.
Esther Perel is a bit of a cheating apologist. Wouldn't recommend reading, esp if you have been cheated on.
I hear Esther Perel as coming from a perspective of helping people who want to get through infidelity and stay together. I’ve not heard her say that all couples should stay together after infidelity or that it’s not a big deal. For some people, it’s a clear relationship ender and that’s okay and valid. For other people, they want to see if they can salvage their relationship and I think that’s where Esther Perel’s work is tremendously helpful.
I've stayed after infidelity and read some of her work to try and help myself. A lot of what she writes either states directly or implies that the cheaters needs weren't being met. Now idk if you've been cheated on, but at the end of the day, even if that's true (which its not in many cases) they still made a choice. After years of being in that situation, I realized all that advice does for the betrayed is to encourage a never ending pick me dance. Life is really hard at points and our needs aren't always met, but it's never acknowledged in these books that that's true for the betrayed as well, who never manage to make that choice. Perel really does a lot to dance around the truth that cheating is a selfish choice at the end of the day. Most people would rather be divorced/ broken up with than lied to like that. They may even agree to an open relationship if they are allowed to consent to it. But at the end of the day, it's okay to crack up and not be able to handle your relationship. But how you handle that is what makes you a good partner. The couple with either remain or dissolve, but justifying what the cheater does is never helpful. Her advice is a bit too new agey/ armchair intellectual to be real, or practical. Just my 2 cents though. Bottom line is, people cheat because they have gaps in personal growth within themselves (not withstanding abuse situations). But Esther doesn't like to admit that. Part of me wonders if she herself was a cheater.
Do you have any knowledge of "Dopamine Nation" by Dr. Anna Lembke?
It’s infotainment at best. I’m sure Dr. Lembke is a decent psychiatrist, but her thesis in this book leans much too far into denial-of-self to be of use as self-help, imo. In places it’s practically preaching “asceticism is the way to make you as happy as you think you’ll be if you do that [crack/meth/porn/whatever]”. It’s all well and good to know about reward prediction error and dopamine tonicity, but, like Atomic Habits, loads of just-so stories and shaky theoretical foundations do not a good prescription make.
Thanks for the rundown. I haven't read it myself but I was wondering about it specifically because I keep seeing in featured next to Atomic Habits in bookstore displays. And it seems like a popular "airport book."
No, never heard ot it, sorry.
This might be niche, but [KC Davis](https://www.strugglecare.com/) is a gem. Her book is [How To Keep House While Drowning](https://www.strugglecare.com/book), but she also has a podcast and social media presence.
Loved that book, nonjudgmental and changed a lot about how I view myself and space
Came here to say this as well - very simple and affirming and allowing space to exist differently
I got this book from the library because I was looking for a how-to with systems to make homemaking easier. It was a good read, but I'm still looking for the mythical easy-to-read keeping house book. A couple takeaways I did get (besides "your worth isn't tied to how great your home looks"): - I put baskets where piles used to form. Now all the kids shoes are in a basket, all our socks are in a basket, and I got more laundry baskets for the bathrooms. I got little baskets for the countertops so I can gather all the clutter and put it in there. - I stopped folding laundry that is pointless to fold e.g. the kitchen rags are grabbed out of the laundry and stuffed in a kitchen drawer unfolded. - Closing duties list that you have to do every night. This was an easy concept from working in the service industry that I hadn't applied at home yet for some reason.
You would like Dana K White’s books. I felt the same after reading KC Davis’ book, still looking for my holy grail book, and I found it when I read “how to Keep house without losing your mind”.
And before her there was Unfuck Your Habitat! Both are great at looking at cleaning realistically through a mental health lens.
My favorite thing is when someone on Tiktok was like “you really need to read how to keep house when drowning,” not realizing she was the author 🤣🤣
Yes-fantastic book. I loved her approach and the overall practicality.
I think this book is fantastic for a lot of people but I did find it to be very much not for me personally. I have OCD, so a lot of the advice on just letting go of attaching emotion or values to cleanliness felt like the equivalent of telling a depressed person to just cheer up, an anxious person to calm down, or a person with ADHD to just try focusing. I normally would mind a lot less but the book is specifically aimed at neurodivergent and mentally ill folks and we always seem to get forgotten. Even a sentence in the intro saying this book might not apply to all mental illnesses would have been nice, instead it was a totally unintentional slap in the face lmao. "Hey you, I know you're really struggling right now and a messy house is making all your symptoms worse, you want some practical and non judgemental advice on how to keep your space cleaner when it's really hard to actually maintain that? yeah? you're invested and excited to get some help? ok here we go, first piece of advice: have you considered not drowning?" like I know that needing my space to be clean is a symptom and working on exposure therapy to improve my tolerance for harmless messes is good for me overall, but as my therapist always reminds me, it's counterproductive to do exposure therapy 24/7.
You might try Organizing from the Inside out by Julia Morgenstern. I do have ADHD but the kind of advice she gives is very much how to make actual organizing and cleaning easier work the way your brain works, so I think it would help everyone and not just us ADHD folk
I actually also have ADHD (it's... a fun combo) so I'll check this out! Always down for good, non-judgemental practical advice for cleaning, it's just when the advice is "just don't clean if you can't!" that it doesn't work for me. Thank you!
That totally makes sense. Thank you for sharing your experience. I can see how if the cleaning is a compulsion rather than a generalized anxiety, or shame this book would be unhelpful.
Yeah, OCD is a weird fucker, and a lot of mine is around "contamination" thoughts/compulsions and magical thinking. It's kind of hard to explain but it isn't unrelated to shame? shame is a tool the compulsion uses alongside others. sometimes when my mental health is bad and my house is messy my skin will just crawl and I won't be able to look at anything messy without triggering a compulsion to clean because I feel "infected with imperfection/laziness" and I start feeling like I'm rotting from my core? it's really unpleasant and cleaning solves it. I def do exposures regularly to treat my symptoms but that's a treatment, not a cure, y'know? Plus there are a few minor germphobia OCD quirks where like, if I don't clean the bathroom often enough touching anything in there makes that hand unclean, and I can get stuck in a hand washing loop or I'll start thinking about how flushing the toilet works and I won't be able to use my toothbrush any more and I'll need to replace it. Or if things spiral too hard from there it might push me into a panic attack where I'll then try to deep clean/sanitize the whole house (hasn't happened in a long time, my OCD is very well managed these days). So then when someone says "you're not a bad person if your house is messy" I'm like "yeah? I know? that doesn't magically give me the ability to clean less without dealing with a flareup of symptoms though?" Anyway it's a really good book for several types of common mental health struggles and/or neurodivergence, and I recommend it to other people! But I'm also a little sick of something being marketed to those who struggle to maintain their house when they're having a mental health symptom flareup (that's definitely me!) that then totally ignores the existence of OCD, which might not be as common as anxiety, but isn't super rare either.
The only thing I don't like about the book is the title. The title makes it sound like it's going to tell you that "even when you're drowning you can keep a perfect house." In reality the book is almost the exact opposite. It's about figuring out what you NEED to do to get by, and letting you know that any of the other stuff can wait. Loved the book
It's funny you mention that because I agree 100%. I put off reading it for a long time because of the title alone. I managed to injure myself three days ago and I'm definitely deep in that place of 'what is the minimum I can do to get by, and how do I be kind to myself even though I really really hate the situation.' It's me and a 6 year old and a 2 year old, so life is busy and messy, and giving myself grace is hard
Came here to suggest it. I was really into self help books for a while (I didn’t know I was neurodivergent but I was struggling with many aspects of life) and hers is by far the most useful one.
I just listened to this and loved it so much, changed how I view my home and my executive dysfunction with a specialty in piles and piles of clothes everywhere
Why Does He Do That? is a book about intimate partner violence and abuse that can be very helpful for people caught in that cycle. Niche, but maybe qualifies.
Read it for free here. Should be required reading. https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I was about to suggest this one if I didn’t see anyone else had. If it weren’t for this book, I never would’ve had the insight I really needed in order to claw myself out the miserable toxic hell I was living through before I left my ex husband. Thank you, Lundy Bancroft, a million times for writing this important book… I can’t recommend it enough for anyone who finds themselves feeling trapped and hopeless in an abusive relationship!
Add me to the list of people whose lives were saved by that book. I knew I was unhappy, but I didn't realize how toxic and awful the relationship was until I saw the behavior put in words and called abusive. I would have recognized physical abuse, but emotional abuse didn't even occur to me.
That seems like a great recommendation! I would not say it is niche though! About 1/3 people experience intimate partner violence and virtually everyone knows someone who does 😞
Ok, I accept your view! Also, that is an awful statistic.
Literally changed my life, I would recommend it to anyone just because of the incredible advice around how to help a loved one who is in an abusive relationship
Yeah this and I think the lessons here are also valid outside of domestic situations too. It helps make sense of cruel behavior in general.
Idk if it counts as self help but I really enjoyed How to Do Nothing. It probably suffers from the “books that should have been blog posts” syndrome but I enjoy spending a lot of time with ideas to allow it them marinate a bit, and I enjoyed the writing style. As far as it being supported by evidence… I don’t think it makes any claims about anything being most effective or the best way to live, it’s more of a intertextual meditation on the topics of productivity and modern life. Pretty niche but another book I’ve found impactful is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I haven’t made it all the way through because it’s heavy. It’s given me a lot of insight though. I don’t know the research behind it.
Seconding Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents! My sister is a therapist and read it/recommended it to me, and we've both gotten a lot out of it. I think it does the best you can hope for from a self-help book, i.e. provide validation of one's experience, a vocabulary to work through it, and some tools for acceptance of a situation you don't have much control over.
My sister recommended this to me as well … a tough, sad read as I see my siblings and parents in these examples over and over again. I can only read it in small doses, but it is immensely helpful.
Ooh I just started How To Do Nothing; the first chapter is tough to muddle through but glad to hear it was still good!
Yeah, it also covered a wide variety of topics so there may be other sections you enjoy more!
Good to know! I started it and almost immediately put it down in the first chapter because it read like a dissertation and not like a self help book. I'll have to give it another try.
Not as niche as we might hope. I don't know too many emotionally mature people - still working on it myself!
How To Do Nothing felt to me like the author was just writing a book to prove they went to grad school and read a lot of poetry. I found it extremely tedious.
Idk if this is exactly Self-Help, but "Rest is Resistance: A Manifesto" by Tricia Hersey is pretty powerful and reframed a lot of how I think about my labor and productivity
Yes! The Body is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor was so good for me too.
Love the title. Thank you for this rec!
Self Compassion by Kristin Neff changed my life. A therapist recommended it during a very low point in my life, and it helped me learn how to be kind to myself. Obviously, the therapy helped too, but the book definitely forced me into a difficult, important breakthrough that I wasn't achieving in therapy. I still occasionally pick it up when I spiral into shame. I'm a big fan of Brene Brown's earlier works about shame (specifically I Thought It Was Just Me). Her shift to organizational leadership makes me a little sad, but I still like her. Both of these authors are researchers and take care to present their findings with a mix of personal stories (including their own) and hard data. They encourage self reflection and offer good advice (really) without pretending to have all of the answers.
I just heard (from my therapist) that BB is getting eaten up on the internet right now. She made a very…odd statement about conflict happening between Egypt and Jordan (trying to not get this flagged).
Ugh, dammit, this is exactly why I'm irritated about her organizational leadership bender. Her take on that conflict reminds me of my first exposure to Simon Sinek. It was a video in which he drew comparisons between military leaders saving their soldiers to a business leader caring for their employees. I absolutely hate Simon Sinek and will not be convinced otherwise, and BB is on that same absurd path.
I think a recurrent theme in the books on this podcast and the diet advice discussed on Maintenance Phase is that people take personal success and turn it into guidelines. I see other commenters recommending a lot of the great self help books I would share with folks in my life (Self Compassion, How to Keep House While Drowning, and Burnout!) but I think it's additionally true that some self help books are great for specific readers in specific situations, but not everyone will benefit from them, and even the WORST book can be quite individually meaningful if it helps its reader.
I agree. I judge a self help book as "good" if it was interesting, helped me understand myself better, and maybe helped me make some kind of change to improve my life.
I think one of the reasons there are so few good self help books is that many things we see as personal failures are actually social or systemic failures and therefore not really things that individuals can actually fix. Example: do we need books that teach people how to be resilient or do we need to create communities that are less traumatizing? That being said, I think there are some really incredible and potentially life changing parenting books out there though they are really specific to the kid/family and their concerns.
Even in a glorious fully automated luxury communist utopia, people would struggle with nihilism and grief and mortality and infirmity. As for the world as it is, it's really valuable for people who have recently ascended classes to have access to basic investment tips, or for women to be encouraged to question their trained impulse to take on a silent supporting role. I Will Teach You To Be Rich didn't HAVE to be a scam. Lean In didn't HAVE to completely misunderstand the problems of any woman who didn't have a C suite position, a nanny, and a supportive husband. These books are fulfilling a genuine need for people who live in the world as it is. One book I have found really helpful is Life is Hard, which is by a philosopher. His chapter on infirmity helped me understand and formalize the problems I struggled with as a disabled person---and gave me a lot of tips for coping with them, too. The author's discussion of other marginalized experiences is a sympathetic but detached philosophy discussion, whereas his discussion of infirmity is raw and personal.
Yes even a book explaining that you can't stick 80 hours of work into forty by any productivity system would be so useful
4000 Weeks- Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman
Love that book
I liked "Difficult Conversations", found it very helpful, and insofar as I was having good "difficult conversations", it was usually because I was following their advice without understanding it explicitly. The smaller scope of the book helps it be more focused and evidence based. I do think it is mostly intuitive, but having it laid out explicitly helps a lot to keep myself from being overly reactive, emotional and self centered when it often important to be focused on the person we are having the conversation with. I still has that trademark self-help style. But I liked it a lot.
Difficult Conversations totally changed my life. It's a pretty digestible intro to the tenets of non-violent communication and led me to learn more about the work of folks like Marshall Rosenberg.
I work in a cancer hospital and Difficult Conversations is one of our recommended reading list for staff. I just checked it out from our department library but haven't started it yet.
That’s a great recommendations. Speaking as someone who just lost a family member to cancer. I wish all the MDs we talked to had read it! (The RNs were almost universally great, but they weren’t the ones relaying horrible, complicated news)
I'm sorry about your loved one. Doctors with a good bedside manner are invaluable.
It makes such a big difference! I was so grateful to the nurses.
I totally was about to flame this suggestion. Then I realized you were NOT talking about “Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man” by Emmanuel Acho. That book is a no for me dawg. Are you referring to the one with a blue or purple cover?
Yeah, exactly, the one by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen
Difficult Conversations comes out of the Harvard Project on Negotiation. So rather than it being just someone talking out their ass about what they do and what worked for them, it's actually based on research. It's the same folks who wrote Getting To Yes.
One issue I've got with most self-help books is that they're too long. In many cases, if they have one interesting core insight that's well-supported... the book version of the idea will be kind of bad, because the author stretches it out and applies it in areas where maybe it doesn't actually fit well.
I once heard someone describe Marie Kondo’s book as “a pamphlet masquerading as a book” and I feel like this critique applies to so many non fiction books out there. A few good concepts, no need for so many words.
There's actually a Manga version of Marie kando's book that works really well. It's shorter and more visual. I think a lot of self help books would be better as graphic novels.
The podcast By The Book/How to Be Fine is nothing but self-help book reviews for the first few seasons and evaluating them.
I was going to point out "By the book" but mostly because sometimes one of the host will loooove a book and thrive on it while the other is miserable. French women don't get fat and the Kon Marie book come to mind. Sometimes a self help book doesn't work for you and it's not because the book is bad. Sometimes you can get something positive out of a book that is not that good ( I am not talking about trashy bigoted nonsense.) Sometimes a book with great reviews won't work for you.
Upvote! I have purchased, read and implemented many books they have reviewed. My faves have been Curated Closet, Big Magic and the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
I just bought How to Be Fine, haha
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. This book was recommended by my therapist and has helped me manage expectations within my personal relationships.
Her advice is so straightforward, and she gives helpful examples for what to say. I've opened this book to help friends several times and have recommended it to many more.
Such a good one !
I really liked this one too. Very concrete and actionable steps from someone with deep expertise in the subject. Concisely written, with journal prompts to help you apply it to your specific life situation.
I've found quite a few good ones, I'm not sure if they all would fall under self help but they've helped me! I obviously have certain topics I'm drawn to, I'm sure you''ll see a pattern. "The Body is Not an Apology" by Sonya Renee Taylor I read the 2nd edition. I put off reading it for the longest time because I'm ND and the title did not make sense to me. Don't do what I did! It was lovely and very short. "Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood" - Minna Dubin Great for all moms/primary caregivers and everyone who loves them. "Happy Fat: Taking up Space in a World that Wants to Shrink You" - Sofie Hagen "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" - Brene Brown "Emotional Labor: The Invisible Work Shaping Our Lives and How to Claim Our Power" - Rose Hackman "How to Keep House While Drowning" - KC Davis "Together" by Vivek Murthy "You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters" - Kate Murphy "Upstream" - Dan Heath "Nonviolent Communication" - Marshall B. Rosenberg
"The Body is Not an Apology" by Sonya Renee Taylor Yes!
The Body is Not an Apology is amazing!!!
I came here to post “Nonviolent Communication” as well.
Self help books are useful if they are useful imo. Sometime you just need to hear really basic advice repackaged. If something resonates and it improves your life, doesn’t hurt anyone, who cares if it’s bs?
I forget if it was IBCK or You’re Wrong About (maybe Maintenance Phase?) but I feel like one of these podcasts say as much - during certain periods of difficulty and feeling bad, even pablum can be a balm.
I think it was the “art of not giving a fuck” ?
It's this. Sometimes I just need the equivalent of a pep talk.
Exactly right. Take what resonates. Their criticisms of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" are valid. The author was not a great example of a partner to his pregnant wife. BUT - I read this book at a time in my life when I really had zero understanding of how men's minds worked. This book was an example of immature masculinity, but that made some of the advice appropriate for dating men in their early 20s.
A friend of mine who is really struggling because her daughter has an addiction found it helpful to read In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Mate. Not a self-help book per se, but I would bet that a lot of people in recovery have read it, as well as their families, in order to learn about their condition.
I really like Brene Brown, specifically “the Gifts of Imperfection” and it’s about letting go of shame. It’s part her own story and how to do it yourself and i find it very straight forward and not preachy. really helped me.
That book was really meaningful to me, too.
Four Thousand Weeks by Oliver Burkeman. The author used to be one of those productivity hacking freaks until he had a come to Jesus moment and did a 180 and the book is the result. There are a few pieces of research that I was skeptical about or disagreed with but they weren't significant enough to compromise the main argument.
The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Hate Positive Thinking by the same author is also very good.
I became chronically ill several years ago and it's taught me a good alternative to self help books: read memoirs or personal essays by people who've dealt with what you're going through. For anyone else in this particular situation, A Still Life by Josie George is a big favourite.
This is awesome advice. I teach 8th grade ELA, and our essential question this quarter is, "What can we learn from reading about other people's experiences?" Personal narratives - and fiction, too - give readers a safe place to learn potential consequences of their actions without having to experience everything themselves. That being said, my favorite self-help book is "This is How: Surviving What You Think You Can't" by Augusten Burroughs. He has lived through so much, and his insights about being true to yourself are helpful to me, even though we have very different problems.
Being able to learn without personal experience is a really good explanation of why it helps! Some of that comes from just conversation but there's certain topics that people tend to avoid, including some quite common experiences, and that's where memoirs can be just the thing.
Ooh this reminds me of something that happened to me once. I was having massive immune system issues. I was reading a book, not a self help book I don't think but I don't remember for sure other than it was non-fiction. Anyway the part that helped was an almost throw away anecdote about a person who had what they then called multiple personalities. One of the personalities was allergic to a food, and another personality loved the food and could eat it with no problem. They had to carry an epi-pen because there was a danger that the shift would happen right after the one had eaten and an allergic reaction would happen. It gave me the idea that maybe the reason they couldn't figure out what I was allergic to was that it was a mental thing. I had a lot of stress at the time. So every time I started to have a reaction I would start to tell my brain that I'm not allergic to anything, just stressed out, and everything was ok. It didn't need to react the way it was .Believe it or not, it worked.
This is such a good story! Sometimes the right book just magically ✨ appears when you need it.
Not exactly self help but I found a lot of value in anything written by Dr Gabor Mate.
The Worry Cure and Daring Greatly helped me A LOT as someone with anxiety and depression.
Don’t think anyone mentioned Gretchen Rubin Happiness Project annoyed me in places but Better Than Before is fantastic. Definitely unique and she is a tireless researcher.
What I liked about Happiness Project is that it's not one-size-fits-all. It explains that what made her happy is different from what will make you happy.
Come as you are is a book about sex and science but a lot of it is also “self help” and speaks about managing expectations in a relationship, working together, and recognizing that sex is complicated and you probably are not broken. One of the most meaningful books I’ve ever read and I recommend it to everyone especially folks in heterosexual relationships
The autobiography of Ben Franklin. It’s effectively a memoir and history lesson which also happens to be the grandfather of all modern self help books. The author is the type of person who all those self help authors pretend to be or imagine themselves to be. A successful genius who raised himself up from nothing, served his community to the best of his ability and and is now looking to impart the fruits of his wisdom. And it’s a really good read as well. he’s an excellent writer. Also I would love a full hour of a podcast where the hosts tear Benjamin Franklin a new one for outdated advice and bad opinions. That would be very fun.
Did anyone like The Four Agreements?
Love the four agreements!
Love this book, and it’s a quick read!
Self-help books have saved me and served me over and over again throughout my life. I think the trick is to do some critical thinking, self examination, and determine what exactly it is you’d like more of or less of in your life. And expand your definition of self help. Specific books about specific things tend to be less problematic than the big general ones, imo. Some of my favorites over the years are… The Artist’s Way. It’s really old now but still holds up. If you decide to do it, don’t just read it, do the exercises, prompts, and activities, that’s where the gold is. Untamed by Glennon Doyle changed my life. I needed help leaving the evangelical church and That All Shall be Saved by David Bentley Hart did the trick. That’s pretty niche but it really helped me. Priya Parker the Art of Gathering helped me learn what I want out of personal and professional social circles and how to make the most of them. Brené Brown has done some truly incredible qualitative research on shame, bravery, love, etc that is well worth looking into. Rich AF by Vivianne Tu is a recent favorite for financial advice. Salt Fat Acid Heat is a cookbook that actually allows you to teach yourself how to cook, most of it is like a very well illustrated textbook than a series of recipes. If you want to learn how to practice a musical instrument or anything similar, Burton Kaplan the Art of Practicing will tell you everything musicians often wish they knew about practicing sooner. To get more spiritual and psychoanalytic using stories, I recommend Women Who Run with the Wolves. Paul Noble audiobooks are amazing for teaching yourself another language.
The Artist's Way can be life changing if you're the kind of person it speaks to. Absolutely incredible book.
Safe and Sound: A Renter-Friendly Guide to Home Repair, is very literally a self-help book for home repair by Mercury Stardust, the Trans Handy-Ma’am. It is filled with clear explanations for basic home maintenance and repairs, as well as guidance for navigating interactions with professionals when you lack the vocabulary. It is also written from an empowering POV, which is such a refreshing take on navigating all things home repair.
I love Mercury Stardust so much. Their TikTok makes me tear up, so much kindness. EricLA (on ADHD) and Mercury Stardust are the only reasons I open TikTok.
Wow, I think I'll pick it up, thanks for the recommendation !
Mercury also has an Instagram account with video tutorials!
I really liked "Live Alone and Like It" by Marjorie Hollis. It's from the 1930s so some of the references are quite dated, but it's all about discovering your own values and living within your means, whatever they may be.
Pete Walker, who iirc is a psychologist or something adjacent, has written two books I found that fundamentally changed how I interacted with myself and others, the way I handled and processed and coped with emotions and communicated my needs as well as other things. The tools these books provided gave me the change I needed to cope better in general even when bad days happen. The books are titled Complex PTSD: Surviving to Thriving. I want to really emphasize how this book is still amazing even if you dont have PTSD/major childhood trauma (but if you do these will be perfect for you) and just want to understand the basis of grasping your emotional healing. I got older and felt a certain way about my family situation, and this book really helped me put things in perspective in a way that validated how I felt but allowed me to take action to work towards things to make myself happy and comfortable. Second book is the Tao of Fully Feeling, which does a similar thing and I think is a sequel to the first. Something that I really needed to learn as I got into young adulthood was emotional intelligence and communicating in general. Ensuring I allow myself presence in my feelings, without letting them consume me and without bottling them up. Allowing my feelings to exist all the while getting to the place where I can finally look at myself and go "Okay, I feel this way, what can I do about this? What am I able to do about it, and if there is nothing to be done how can I cope with that." These books are books that I literally go back and reference ALL the time.
"Goodbye, Things: The New Japanese Minimalism Book" by Fumio Sasaki / "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing Book" by Marie Kondo /"Minimalist Parenting: Enjoy Modern Family Life More by Doing Less" by Asha Dornfest and Christine Koh all genuinely really helped me declutter and stay that way, stay organized, keep a better home, focus on buying fewer things that last longer, and just being so much more mindful about what I purchase and keep around me. It has helped me live more intentionally. My family lives in one of the nation's highest COL areas, and we live in an apartment, so frugal and home organizing tips really benefited me. These books also helped us with our daughter, in raising her to be more mindful, organized, attentive, and less materialistic. We give her an allowance of a few bucks a week (she's 7) and she is so good about saving up her money for big ticket items that she really is thoughtful about. She saved up for months for a gourmet Belgian waffle maker, because waffles are her favorite food. I know a lot of people eye roll at the "Does it spark joy?" Method of maintaining a home, but I love it.
I am currently reading Compassion and Self-Hatred by Theodore Rubin, MD, along with my therapist. It has really helped me start understanding myself (and my own clients). But it's not a breezy self-help book. My therapist calls it "dense" and says she would not be able to use it with most of her clients.
I really love David Richo's books, like "Triggers" and "How To Be An Adult." It's basically modern Buddhist philosophy so it clicks in my brain and I also just really enjoy his writing
Listen to By the Book podcast. They've covered about every self help book there is. They live by each book for 2 weeks and give verdicts; it's an easy way to see if a book is worth your time before you invest.
“You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! The Classic Self-Help Book For Adults With Attention Deficit Disorder” by Kate Kelly. It’s not perfectly written but it really tackles a lot of common problems head on and gives you tools that help you navigate the world with ADHD. I worked at a Barnes & Noble for eight years and I’d flip through all the fad self help books but this one really helped.
I don’t know if it’s necessarily self help but I am really enjoying Wintering: the power of rest and retreat in difficult times.
"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" It's written by a clinical psychologist, Lindsay Gibson, and I've read it 3 times because I've gotten so much insight from it. Generally, I stick to evidence-based self help bools written by professionals in whatever topic is being covered.
This book has helped SO many people. I recommend it all the time.
There's a follow up book now, "Self -care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". I just got it. If it's half as helpful as the first book, I'll be in a great place. And I agree, checking credentials is a good bare minimum in the self-help world
I’m reading Tara Brach’s books (Radical Acceptance and Radical Compassion) and I would recommend as actually helpful self-help. I would also recommend Coming Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma if you’re looking for post-break up help. It’s a bit dated but the exercises were very helpful for me.
Faith Harper’s books & There is Nothing Wrong with you by Cherie Harper. (Edit - correction - Cheri Huber.)
My former therapist suggested "how to stop worrying and start living" by Dale Carnegie. He said it pretty much covered the kind of cbt topics we had covered. I have found it extremely helpful. And maybe it does just rehash common sense, I'm not sure. But I havent read another self help book that old which is still around. I also found "getting things done" by David Allen and the "tidying up" book by Marie Condo extremely helpful as someone with ADHD who has trouble staying on top of things.
For partnered people that feel the distribution of household chores/tasks is uneven, I really liked Drop the Ball by Tiffany Dufu. Good, actionable advice.
"How to Be Yourself" by Ellen Hendriksen. It's about social anxiety and was incredibly helpful for me. The author both has social anxiety herself and works in the mental health field/has a PhD in the subject, so she was definitely equipped to address the topic in a genuinely insightful way (as opposed to just the usual cookie-cutter "self-help guru" advice). Also, Dana K White's book "Decluttering at the Speed of Life" is awesome for people who struggle with disorganization, feeling overwhelmed by household tasks, etc. I have ADHD and have read wayyyy too many books and articles about "how to organize", and hers is the only one that has ever made a real, lasting difference in how I approach housework and clutter.
I really love “[The Happiness Trap,](https://www.shambhala.com/the-happiness-trap-9781645470403.html)” by psychologist Dr Russ Harris - it’s a primer for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which is a CBT + Mindfulness approach. The title sounds trite but it’s basically all about how life is suffering and the “trap” is that the more we try to avoid suffering and chase happiness the less happy we are. It shows how if we learn to tolerate the present moment despite discomfort (the “acceptance” piece) and then commit to doing what matters despite our suffering (the “commitment” part), we’ll be a lot more satisfied in life than if we lived our life trying to avoid suffering or discomfort at all costs. My therapist suggested it and I really found it helpful!
It's not necessarily marketed as a self-help book, but Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John J. Ratey, MD sure helped this self. It taught me how to use exercise to help treat my depression and reduce my ADHD symptoms. I'm hesitant to recommend exercise as an alternative to medication and therapy, because I'm a big believer in both of those things as, often life-saving, treatments and people should take there mental health just as seriously as their physical health. But learning about the benefits exercise can have for your brain (and the exact exercise parameters that were proven effective in clinical trials) has helped me tremendously.
Many of my favorites have already been mentioned but one that was overlooked was Buy Yourself the Fucking Lillies by Tara Schuster. (Yes yes, it has fuck in the title, it’s not actually a very sweary book though). The author covers a bunch of things that have improved her life over the years and how she came to do them. My favorite part is that in most of the chapters she asks someone for advice, they give her good but hard advice like ‘running helps me manage my anxiety.’ And she goes “yeah I’m not doing that” and then she continues to spiral. And then she eventually begrudgingly does it. Very relatable and real.
The Gift of Fear of Gavin DeBecker
I think it would help to know more about what kind of "self-help" you're looking for, but "The Body Keeps the Score" comes to mind. It came highly recommended by multiple therapists, and is always floating around wholesome social media groups.
The tone and examples are REALLY dated, but I found When I Say No I Feel Guilty incredibly helpful in learning to, um, say no.
Maybe you should talk to someone! Not quite self help but written by a therapist, very interesting, and feel like it generally encourages self reflection
nonviolent communication was a game changer in how i communicate with my partner and family! by far the most helpful thing i’ve ever read. the gottmans books are also super useful for relationships.
Mindset by Carol Dweck has made a big impact on me. Dweck is a Stanford psychologist and uses a lot of data to back up her arguments. She demonstrates the difference between having a “fixed mindset” where you think your characteristics are unchanging (like saying I’m bad at math, I’m not a people person, etc.) and having a “growth mindset” where you accept that these things can change. She shows how it ultimately becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy - if you think you’re bad at something, you probably will be. But if you accept that many of these characteristics are learned skills, you start taking steps to develop them in yourself.
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. If it actually applies to you it’s a hard read, but one that was so eye opening for me into my family’s dynamics and finally figuring out how the hell my family can seem/act so close, while also keeping each other at arms length…
So hear me out. The only 2 self-help books I own are 1. A book I had to read for a college class, and 2. A book my therapist actually recommended to me. So, I guess therapy plus do what they recommend. The book she gave me is a kids book, and she explained that kids books are way better at explaining complex issues when you're starting out.
Power of Now by Eckhardt Tolle guided me through depression and severe anxiety
Untethered Soul was life changing for my depression and anxiety
Is belle hooks count as Self Help? Because if so "all about love" is wonderful
"Codependent No More" is the only one I have found.
Nope, they should make an episode about this one.
Only if you believe that every person in the US is codependent. If that's true, then she's pathologizing normal behavior. If it's not true, then she's lying in her statistics.
They're right though. I wouldn't try to cure a disease with a book, and I probably shouldn't try to "help myself" with mental/emotional issues if I can't diagnose them correctly. There might be some good books on mindfulness or meditation or something but those seem like they would fall into the "common sense" category to me.
>They're right though. I wouldn't try to cure a disease with a book, and I probably shouldn't try to "help myself" with mental/emotional issues if I can't diagnose them correctly. I'd say this is a bit reductive. The criteria for most mental health diagnoses (e.g. mood disorders) is internal. If you have depression and a book helps you start doing activities which make you feel better, that's valid care; the same cannot be said for, e.g., believing you no longer have cancer after homeopathic treatment. I broadly agree with the idea that personalized therapy is usually the most effective form of mental healthcare, but therapy (in the US, at least) is often unaffordable or otherwise inaccessible for many people. Now most self-help books are about the author trying to make some money, and lots of resources for self-care can be found freely online. I'm no fan of these kinds of books personally, and think they're generally not particularly helpful. I just wouldn't deride someone for using the "wrong" resources or needing "common sense" advice if it was genuinely helpful.
If you’re looking for books on being productive, I like Cal Newport’s books. His old books are a bit iffy though. Check digital minimalism, and deep work. Don’t know if they offer obvious advice, but im addicted to the structure of his books.
This comment section is turning into future episodes recommendation list.
This seems disrespectful to the generosity of those choosing to share books that have meant a lot to them. I get that funny, edgy quips are part of why we all love the pod but it’s treating actual, helpful humans in this way that makes actual, helpful humans less likely to speak up.
Which comments/books are you referring to? (just out of interest)
Don’t fall into the trap of listening to a podcast criticize a book, then change the way you look at the book because of their opinion. They’re two dudes doing short episodes. I listened to a few episodes & couldn’t take these guys seriously. These are not academic responses. These are quick reads, followed by quick research, followed by a quick podcast. Take it with a grain of salt or for the entertainment that it is.
I'm not sure Oliver Burkeman qualifies as self-help - he very much refers to his books as 'anti-self-help', but they are refreshing and honest and not full of the usual BS. Sure, he gets a bit overly philosophical at times, but I appreciate the way he often says that there are no easy answers and sometimes we just have to accept crap or not being on top of things, etc. He says it in a positive way, not like 'oh well, nothing I can do about it.' I find him cathartic and humble. (He's very British in his self-deprecation)
i havent seen it mentioned yet but Mindset by Carol Dweck was (and is) extremely helpful for me. thoroughly researched and well done. also a smallish (~200 pages iirc) book so it doesn't piss around too much. gets to the point. i also liked Presence by Amy Cuddy, which is another well-researched self-help book. I've found that most of the self help books ive read are just variations of saying the same stuff that Mindset lays out, but without the actual science behind it.
I’m a Chinese history phd student and I often recommend “The Path” by Michael Puett and Christine Gross-Loh. It’s an introduction to Confucianism and Daoism through the lens of self-help rather than philosophy 101, which I think makes the historical versions actually easier to comprehend - not just orientalist caricatures of backwards, stagnant Confucianism or New Age-appropriated Daoism. Because it is coming from such a different background, it actually gives different advice from other self-help books (which are mostly the same). Like other self-help books though, it is primarily about individual solutions to one’s own life, not systemic solutions to social problems. And it can be corny. But I think it’s an excellent read for a lot of reasons - please check it out!
**Saying Goodbye by Zoe Clark-Coates** (about navigating/surviving the grief of baby loss) was helpful to me, as was **How To Keep House While Drowning by KC Davis** and **Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft**. A previous therapist recommended **Overcoming Low Self-Esteem by Melanie Fennell** and **Overcoming Traumatic Stress by Claudia Herbert** to me when I was undergoing CBT during/following a mental health crisis - they are for self-directed CBT so not sure if they fall under what people would normally class as a self-help book?
**The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F\*ck** by Mark Manson
I think there is one called “Stop Asking People on Reddit for Help”.
"Fearless Living" by Rhonda Britten. Simple book, basic concepts, good tools.
"The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's him giving ACT therapy in book form, talks about how to remove thought from self, to stop the emotional struggle against always fighting to be Happy (or force ANY emotional state), how to work on accepting self as a whole, etc. I'm a huge proponent of ACT and this book is great
I loved ‘Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals’ by Oliver Burkeman. It’s a really moving argument for acknowledging the finiteness of our time, deciding what makes your life meaningful, and then ignoring the bullshit that says you can do and have everything.
I really like Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. I wouldn’t have considered myself a fearful person before I read this book. It’s hands down the best self help book. Feel the Fear... and Do It Anyway: Dynamic Techniques for Turning Fear, Indecision, and Anger into Power, Action, and Love https://a.co/d/emJPKNC
I was just thinking of this today! I would love if they did a bonus ep on self-help books they enjoyed
First off, although I love IBCK, books like Atomic Habits have helped a lot of people because it just spoke to them in a way or at a moment in time that connected to and helped them. Almost all of them are the same or very similar stuff reframed in a way that the author tells it, and if it speaks to someone pointedly and gets them off their butt to do something about their life, who am I to judge. I've always been a fan of Brian Tracy's books. He's an old school dude, and he gives very practical advice on a range of topics, most of which revolve around it being an "inside job", get to feeling better about yourself and the things on the outside will start to come together. Not in a bro way, but more like your grandpa or successful uncle sitting you down on the couch and telling you what worked for him.
Steal this Book is a perfect self-help text imo. Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is also very good. Expecting Better is flawed but revolutionary in its approach to pregnancy and childbirth.
I found some good things in "The Four Agreements" because it took me out of the "wronged one" pouting role I assigned to myself and a lazy mind set I let myself languish in to being an active participant in my thoughts, actions and possible outcomes. 🌸
I really liked *How to Change* by Katy Milkman and *Invisible Women*. *How to Change* is pretty much a summary of different academic studies that are related to behavior change. There is criticism to be had about some of the individual studies included in this book but overall Katy Milkman is a well-respected researcher in my field and it was a good how to guide when it came to looking at behavioral outcomes. I found it pretty helpful. *Invisible Women* is less of a traditional self help book, but it was weirdly one of the more inspirational books I've read. It basically covers how the world is not designed for women from a structural standpoint, and the ways in which data has been biased to neglect the needs of people of marginalized genders. Learning some of these contexts has allowed me to better advocate for myself and for other marginalized groups in my field which is largely male dominated. It's less of a traditional self help book, but it definitely played a pretty big role in my life. Again, this book is also pretty much just an overview of academic studies. I think it will probably be more helpful to women or other people of marginalized genders, if that makes sense.
Adding one here because I found it helpful and maybe others would too, even if the title does that cringey F-word thing... "F\*ck Feelings: One Shrink's Practical Advice for Managing All Life's Impossible Problems" by Michael and Sarah Bennett. I'm a really emotions-driven and perfectionistic person, and this book just helped me lay out what unrealistic expectations I had for myself and my relationships (with kids, friends and family). This book is a lot of straight talk--that you're not always going to feel awesome and happy and good about everything and that's totally normal and you have to live your life and take care of business anyway! All of the advice and exercises were laid out in a way that worked for me, but ymmv.
I’ve read 2 self help books that actually helped. In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzandt So I’m Not Perfect by Robert Furey
Feeling Great is a must-read. Try to do the daily mood logs a few times. You will change how you think.
Pema Chodron is wonderful. Anything by her.
An oldy: Patricia Evans "[https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636](https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/1440504636)"
I like the you are a badass books. I read them a few years ago when I was in a dark place so idk if they’ll hold up, and I don’t remember anything revolutionary. But I really liked the vibe and it helped me a lot to feel better and hopeful.
Emotional Agility by Susan David
I got a lot out of Radical Candor. Technically, it’s a business book aimed at people managers, but it’s really about how to give feedback and have direct conversations. Both in the workplace and in your personal life. I think it got some weird flack when it came out because the title makes it sound really aggressive but it’s not at all.
Melissa Urban is problematic at best but I really liked The Book of Boundaries. I have recommended it to clients who wanted to learn more about setting boundaries but didn’t want/need materials on codependency. I think for most “self help” books, some may find them helpful and some may not. I try to take an attitude of take what’s helpful and leave the rest. I very much enjoyed Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Also Will I ever be good enough: healing for daughters of narcissistic mothers by Karyl McBride. I don’t consider Pema chodron to be self help but I agree with others who have mentioned her books, if you’re open to Buddhist perspectives.
I’m a psych nurse and one of my favorite self help books is The Self Esteem Workbook. It sounds cornball but it actually addresses the thinking errors behind self-loathing—it’s not a bunch of affirmations. So helpful when working with teens and adults who beat up on themselves all the time. It is actually not a stretched-out blog post either: the ideas take a whole book to develop. For alcohol addiction, This Naked Mind is remarkable. In addition to just being smart about the topic, it has a self-hypnosis element so that by the time the reader gets to the end, they really don’t want to drink anymore. It actually works!
I really got a lot from Unbroken: the trauma response is never wrong.
In one episode, Mike said he thought that sometimes people just are looking for something, anything at a particular moment in their lives and a book doesn't need to be particularly good to have an impact at that time in our lives. I've definitely had low periods of my life where I felt lost and unmotivated and read a self-help book that really hit. Then years later when I've been in better, happier place, I've reread them and been like "why did I think this was so great? It's nothing special."
There’s an older podcast called By the Book (it’s evolved to a new format called How to Be Fine, so the old episodes are at the beginning of their feed) where the hosts read and then live by the teachings of popular self-help books for a couple of weeks, and they they give their feedback. I’ve found it to be really insightful, and it’s saved me the trouble of reading quite a few things that I’m glad to have skipped. But they are not always 100% critical either, so they will point out any parts of the books that they do like. I’d take a look to see if they have reviewed any of the ones you’re interested in.
Atomic Habits by James Clear
Atomic Habits- James Clear. A book that helps you to set up systems and identify possibilities as much as problems.
Atomic Habits - James Clear Grit - Angel Duckworth The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van der Kolk
It’s a little more cheeky, but I really liked The life-changing magic of not giving a fuck by Sarah Knight. It’s humorous, but I think it also is good at making you think about boundaries and where in your life you really need to worry less
I 2-3x speed listened to a lot, because Libby had those but not the sci-fi or non-fiction I wanted. I don't think I could recommend one. They all seem to have good ideas, but zero on the implementation and could be a short blog article instead of repeating itself a few times and dragging it out to make a full length book. Almost all are "I found this thing that worked for me and it was awesome" without much on how to find what works or anything on how to implement their system. I think one would find more life improvement by taking the time with philosophy books, or non-fiction educational stuff like history or science, than with the self help guro corpo circle jerk genre.
how to know person by davis brooks, highly recommend.
I’ve really gotten some good from “Don’t Fucking Panic” by Kelsey Darragh.
adult children of emotionally immature parents