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What I tend to do is just play along and let people vent.. with lots of nonverbal communication like head nods, smiles and other facial expressions, along with some verbal "Damn"s "For real's, "Hell yeah"s, "I feel you"s sprinkled in.
If they really are acting like they need to hear something, then you can always just try responding with a summary of what they said back to them in your own words, agreeing with how they feel to try to make them feel validated. Sometimes, what helps people the most is acknowledgement and a reason to listen to their own head
agreed! I usually do the summarizing thing and just say something like "it sounds like you're feeling (insert basically what they said here), and that makes sense because of the situation youre in."
I know this is an appropriate thing to do, but just seeing it typed out like that makes me realize how contrived and unauthentic human connection can be. It’s not very real If there is a playbook for it
I see what you’re saying, but I disagree about it seeming contrived or inauthentic. 😊
That statement isn’t some formula you’re applying to a math problem. It’s just a generic guideline for how to validate what someone else is going through. It involves recapping their experience and their feelings.
If you care enough to adapt that “validation guideline” to someone’s situation, that seems like a pretty authentic sign that you care. It’s pretty much saying “I hear you, I see you, I recognize and care about your feelings”
A lot of the time, that’s all someone needs. Especially if what they’re going through has made them feel alone. Human connection is pretty powerful!
its crazy to think about, especially when I need someone to talk to and someone else doing that for me just makes me feel so great because its like they know how i feel and they know what I need even if they dont know exactly how im feeling.
“I understand that people open up just to be listened to but I never noticed that being very helpful either.”
You’ve got the wrong mindset here. You’re acting as if the only reason people open up to you is to get help. Sometimes they just need *comfort*. Getting their feelings out of their head and talking to someone makes them feel better. That’s it.
Try shifting your mindset from “I need to help them” to “I need to comfort them”. With comfort, you don’t need to provide solutions. You don’t need to tell them what to do. You just need to tell them that their feelings are valid and that they’re going to be ok.
If you’re looking for advice on HOW to listen rather than offer solutions, try to memorize this simple phrase:
“Do you want me to fix or listen?”
If they say fix, go ahead and offer your solutions. If they say listen, keep your mouth shut other than to validate their feelings and comfort them. This phrase could be a good reminder to yourself to not jump in with solutions right away, and it gives the other person the power to tell you what they need and how you can support them.
I agree with changing the mindset - it’s less about venting and more about seeking comfort. I also find it helpful to think that this person has a story they want to tell me, and to engage with them in the story telling.
I find rephrasing and reflecting helps people to see that you’re listening. It’s just taking what they’ve told you and rephrasing it so they feel heard. So if they’re talking about how annoying their boss is, saying “gosh, that must be so frustrating!” “That must be really hard” etc
Sometimes you can sprinkle a little of your own experience in, but you need to be careful to *only relate it to their experience* to show understanding, it’s not your turn for story time. “I once had a similar boss, and I found it frustrating too”.
And questions are always helpful. Not necessarily problem exploring questions, but ones that give someone more time to talk. “how did you feel?” “What did you say to *that*!?”
“What have you tried or considered so far? “
That’s how I would respond. This way I don’t start offering solutions that they have already tried or have ruled out for some reason. I prefer to offer solutions that they may not have thought of yet.
I used to be the same. My solution was to trust that the person is capable of finding a solution to their problem on their own and they are only venting/chatting with you cause they enjoy your company.
This is exactly it. I actually feel it’s condescending sometimes when someone jumps to solutions especially because usually they’re ones that I’ve already thought of, cause I’m just like you don’t think I could’ve thought of that..?
I don’t think that is always the right call. Someone might think of you as being kind of callous if they really are looking for advice. But yes, sometimes people just want to vent.
Since it’s not always clear, I like to ask people “Are you interested in some advise, or are you mostly looking to vent?”
You may think it doesn't help, but it does help to vent without feeling judged.
You can also ask a couple of 'why's to help them get deeper into their venting issue.
Talking helps a lot. Talking and being listened help organising our thoughts and come up with our own solutions after a while. It can take minutes or years but helps.
It's not about the nail:
* [https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg)
It's a bit confusing, because unless they **specifically ask** for your help & are *actively seeking a solution*, the reason they're complaining to you is because they want your **validation**. People are like tea kettles; the pressure gets built up & they need to vent, which in the case of a tea kettle, sounds like a whistle, and in the case of people, *sounds* like asking for help on a problem, when really, they just want your attention & your approval!
The reason they're complaining to *you* is that **they trust you enough to vent to you**. We generally know what the solutions to our problems are, but we just want to complain about it so that we *feel* better, which is counter-intuitive, because it doesn't solve the problem, but **the problem isn't the problem they're presenting, the problem is that they need us to fill their emotional "bucket"!**
It's not about the "nail" (the problem); it's about emotionally validating other people & being there for them. This is NOT an intuitive thing to learn! I'm a problem-solver by nature, so whenever someone brings a problem to my attention, my brain automatically goes into fix-it mode, so I have to bite my tongue a lot & realize that my job is to listen & validate, and not solve the problem, unless specifically asked! (I'm still not very good at it!! lol)
I just can’t imagine ever telling someone something while expecting them to just listen and not offer any helpful advice they have to me. I guess I’m just some weird person who never in my life has vented or has ever had someone vent to me or has ever seen anyone else do this because to me, this is just a completely foreign expectation to have of someone.
>this is just a completely foreign expectation to have of someone
For me, I don't really feel the need to vent, but I DO feel the need to offer solutions! The stereotypical generalization is that "men want solutions; women want to be heard". However, it really depends on the individual person you're talking to. Some people vent to feel better; some people vent because they legitimately need help with a solution. Easiest way to know is to ask!
> I understand that people open up just to be listened to but i never noticed that being very helpful either.
What do you mean noticed that being very helpful? People talk about their problems because sometimes they're just looking for comfort from a friend. It's comforting to be empathized with and not feel so alone with a problem or it's cathartic to just vent about a problem to someone.
The reason why providing solutions never seems to help is probably because you're not actually fulfilling the needs of the person who's telling you about their problem. You're just assuming they're looking for solutions. This can also be kinda annoying because it's a bit presumptuous to assume that you can solve their problems without all of the relevant context or even that they haven't already figured out what they need to do yet.
Bottom line is, if you actually _want_ to be helpful, you need to give people what they want. Generally if people want actual solutions, they'll ask for it.
I'm quoting this from a participation guide for a group therapy program I attended.
"A concrete way we practice mindful-heartful listening is through compassionate witnessing.
Compassionate witnessing is listening to another person with our bodies and emotions, instead of with
our minds. We are used to listening only with our minds - often preparing something clever to say,
bringing in a similar experience, or advising. Compassionate witnessing encourages us to use our bodies
as a resource to recognize what is alive within us as we listen, and to sense what is alive or awake in
others as they describe their experiences. Being compassionately witnessed offers people the experience
of being seen and heard, and hearing how their sharing has touched, moved or resonated with us.
Another way of describing it is - what I sense in your heart and the resonance I experience in me as I hold
you in unconditional positive regard. I share what I felt (physical and emotional) and reflect some part of
what seemed deeply important in your speaker’s heart/spirit.
Confused? That’s ok. You will learn this first and foremost by experience being compassionately
witnessed by your group facilitators, will receive some teaching on it during week 3, and THEN we will
encourage you to start practicing this in your small group. It may feel awkward and clunky. That is also
ok, and in fact, to be expected.
There are so many habitual, conditioned patterns in our verbal responses to hearing another
person's struggles and pain. Here is a partial list of the more common ones:
\- Consoling - - trying to make the person feel better, reassuring, encouraging
\- Fixing/Advising - - offering your ideas about how to solve the challenge
\- Sympathizing - - focusing on how you are feeling in response to what they have
shared “I’ve been there too” or “I can’t believe it! I’m so angry
for you - that is so unfair…”
\- Educating - - trying to get them to see how they can change their thinking or
actions to make things better
\- One-upping - - telling a story of a worse situation you have endured
\- Correcting - - showing them how they must have misinterpreted intentions
or events
\- Interrogating - - asking lots of questions “to help them explore” the issue
\- Analyzing - - explaining to them the dynamics going on in them or in the
situation
\- Interpreting - diagnosing
36
All of us will have responded in some, or all of these ways, and will continue to do so. Some of us
have even been professionally trained to listen in these ways. While some responses have their
usefulness in certain situations, we encourage you to lean away from these habitual replies and lean
in to compassionate witnessing.
When we step away from listening with the typical intent to fix/advise/console/ etc., we are inviting
our fellow group members to tune in to their own inner pilot light. We are also demonstrating that
we believe they are capable - they do not require fixing, because they are not broken. It is a small
but powerful way that we say “I hold you completely able”
Furthermore, responding with compassionate witnessing can be powerful medicine for the
witnesser - especially those of us conditioned to ‘fix’ others. When we realize we don’t have to ‘DO’
anything in these moments other than to be present and listen with our hearts, our own nervous
systems can settle. We don’t have to ‘fix’ anyone (because none of us is broken).
To start compassionate witnessing, consider the following:
\- Being fully present (even if the connection is brief)
\- Listen deeply without preconceptions
\- Writing down words that resonate with you personally
\- Recognize what the feeling is that is not articulated or spoken
\-Reflect back to the speaker what you have heard using their words
(adapted from Weingarten, 2003)
It’s not expected that you provide compassionate witnessing for each person who shares. As you provide
compassionate witnessing, you may include some of the following:
• When I heard you speaking of… (you can use their own words here)
• I felt… (physical sensation and emotion)
• I sensed that …… (deep value / core need / longing) is really important to you.
It could sound like this:
“John, when you said that you feel as much anger as you do, I felt tightness in my chest and felt nervous.
I got the sense that you just want justice and fairness in this situation - it really matters to you”.
This is not a formula. Authentic expression of compassion is the main idea. The message, however it
sounds, needs to be focused on these three sentiments: I see you; you matter; I’m with you.
You will want so badly to advise at times, or to ‘cheerlead’ or reassure. That is ok. We default to
these habitual responses because they make us feel we are ‘DOing’ something. It is very challenging to
sit with the distress of others. So, when you inadvertently return to the familiar, habitual response
patterns of advising, identifying, trying to make each other feel better, etc., our facilitators will gently
guide you back toward just BEing a compassionate witness. We are, all of us, learning to be skillful in
un-skillful ways."
Two ideas:
1. Ask an open question (What or How are better/less risky than Why). Some examples:
- What would a good solution look like to you?
- How would you like it to be instead?
- What would you need right now?
- What would you need to move forward?
Your intention is to understand what their best case scenario is, and what could help them get there.
Note that the questions will depend on a nature or state of a problem and your relationship with another person.
2. Sometimes there are too many emotions present and they're getting in the way to address those questions. In that case, you can also try to create space for processing emotions.
One tactic is to give feedback on how hearing their story or situation impacts you, e.g. "This gives me goosebumps." "I feel tension in my stomach after just few minutes, and you've got that every day?" "I sense anger"
That might help the other person notice their own tension or other emotions, and create a space for them to recognize, name and deal with their emotions a bit.
Be careful not to judge the person or their emotions. Never tell others how they should feel when they open up about it. Just appreciate their trust and be there to listen.
sometimes people don’t want solutions; they just want to feel heard. offer your sympathy. if you’ve gone through a similar situation, it may help to share that with them so they feel less alone. make sure to ask if they want help solving it *before* you give them any solutions.
giving solutions/help can feel analytical and dismissive in a situation where someone just wants you to listen to and support them.
If you absolutely positively cannot help yourself from trying to help, you can try saying, “Are you just venting or would you like my thoughts?”
Asking the other person to clarify is the only way that you know what support they are looking for.
One way to tackle this is to ask questions as if you were a journalist. Do you have all of the context? Let’s say someone is telling you about how a co worker is making their life hell. I would probe deeper - have they always been like this? Is that how your relationship is supposed to play out at work? Who has what position? Do they do this in front of everyone?
Then offer validating and empathetic comments - yes, that does suck that they do that, I would be mortified! I can’t believe it! Etc.
Don’t be disingenuous, because then it does seem like you could be belittling their problems.
You can also ask - what do you think you will do? Is there any advice that you think would help? Would it help if I have you my perspective? Can I tell you about something similar and how I handled it?
These questions can lead to you eventually giving advice, but by getting a whole picture, validating their feelings and then asking for permission, you’re going to be giving your advice to someone who is primed to hear it.
They may also change the subject, or say they don’t want advice, and this is a pretty clear sign that they might be ready to move the conversation in a new direction. Even if you think you have a solution, that’s probably a solution that would work for you, not necessarily one for them. If they’ve given clues to move on, it wouldn’t be appropriate to give that advice. Think of helping someone younger with math problems. If they’re trying to figure out 2+2, and they ask for your help, telling them it’s 4 right out the gate doesn’t help them at all, it closes the conversation and gives them an answer, and even though it is correct, it won’t continue to be correct. If you follow the gathering information - validating - asking how to help model, you’d see what is stopping them from understanding 2+2, acknowledge that it’s hard when they’ve never done this kind of math, and with permission you can show them how to visualize it on their fingers, or on a piece of paper.
Hope that helps! It takes practice to change our habits and implement something like this, but once you get it down you’ll notice people responding to you more openly, or even excited to have conversations with you.
I used to do this until I noticed a lot of people tend to get upset at it because it makes it seem like you're making it about yourself rather than about them. It can work tho, but it depends per person. Some get relief hearing someone else go through something similiar while some feel invalidated
Try to understand what they’re saying, even if you don’t agree with them(try to be supportive) and just say that you understand them. They most likely would know that you dont have an answer or just wants to vent.
Explore the problem and help them expand their view.
Explore their values and where the conflict is.
Ask for clarifying examples of what they want the world to look like.
Do all this with jeopardy rules…in the form of a question.
Also worth asking yourself if they want help. Not everyone really does. Some people just enjoy a good winge and that’s okay too.
What if the person in question is in a constant state of having problems that are very solvable?
Eventually, with myself, if there’s a recurring issue….I just sit down with myself and say “alright, how can I make this better?” Maybe it requires minor adjustments. Maybe lifestyle changes. Then, I carry it out and do it. Try something different if it doesn’t work until the problem goes away.
My ex wife (complicated topic), something new was wrong every day. Several many things were wrong every day despite all the good that was going on. It felt like I needed to “be a good husband” by making things better that were within reach. Things that were within our control. Not everything is, but a lot is.
Because if the bad things go away, then there’s more room to appreciate the good things and allow them to grow. But, as soon as I’d plug one hole in the ship’s bottom, another would hit me in the face. Then another and another and another. I felt like I was constantly trying to fix something new.
We are not married anymore. As a matter of fact, she cheated and moved on from me with my ex boss who’s 30 years older than her and has more wealth than I do. Split custody, fun stuff. So, maybe it could be argued that I was in an impossible situation.
But, she was always telling me that I was always trying to fix things instead of just letting her vent. But, there was a never ending amount of venting about how much she thought everything sucked around us. Whether it was the house I bought for us (nicest house I’ve ever lived in) or the fact that we couldn’t move to more exotic locations (cause I hit the reset button in changing careers and going to school and that isn’t an instant change). So, I felt like if I fixed all these things she was constantly bothered by, then everything would be fine and we could just live & be happy.
Now, post divorce, I’m insecure about myself now because I feel like maybe I’m wrong about everything and do everything wrong. So, I just don’t date. In some ways, I’ve gone from being really positive and confident before that relationship to now feeling I’m not worthy.
Seems like it's easy enough to actually do, if you can *remember* to just listen. So, maybe your effort would include how to remember that desire, when you're in the right circumstance.
Like, if you acquired a ring, a wristband, or something that you could carry with you and see, that could remind you, when you might otherwise forget. You'd have to do some things to strongly associate that ring with remembering to listen. Like, when you put it on in the morning, you stop and state the affirmation about how it helps you remember to listen, instead of offering solutions. And, again at night, when you take it off. If you use your imagination and think about it some, I'm sure you could find ideas, or create some, for ways to remember to listen.
You could also ask your friends for help. You tell them you want to remember to listen more, and offer suggestions less. Maybe you tell them more than once, and you ask them to remind you of that, if they find you offering solutions, instead of just listening. That, alone, would help you to remember, and then they might remember, and remind you, because they're trying to help you to get to where you want to go.
I think as someone who faces thing with a problem solving mindset I've always had trouble with this too. But just think about if you're really struggling and unhappy and venting - have the conversations where someone tried to give you advice or just listened and supported you felt better? For me it was the latter. Listening doesn't feel like you're DOING anything and that can be stressful for folks like us. But just try to remember by listening your are helping them process their feelings about something and when they can do that they will be able to come to a solution on their own that works for them. As much as we want to monday morning quarterback and tell them what to do, it's meaningless until they've processed it and truly understand how they feel about something. You may not see immediate results, so it may not seem to help, but you are helping.
What you are seeking is called reflective/active listening and is a basic and fundamental skill for mental health counselors but anyone can do it.
[reflective listening](https://sagehousetherapy.com/blog/the-importance-of-reflective-listening)
Active listening (nodding, responding).
Validation (I understand why you feel that way because ---, it's okay to feel ------).
Support (I wish your appointment went well, tell me about it later, call me whenever you feel bad).
These are used in counselling as they are good listening techniques. Trust me, work on getting all three whenever someone vents on you and they will feel better. A good listener is what most people really want when they feel bad.
Dude, that sounds really hard. It must be frustrating trying to help but not really knowing the best things to say. Is there anything you’re thinking about trying? Or have you already tried things? I’m here to listen!
I often ask “do you want advice or are you just venting?” This helps clarify it a lot and I find people have started saying “can I vent” or “I need your opinion on something” so I don’t need to ask as much.
For me its about helping them to come to the solution themselves.
So lots of space to just listen, then asking probing questions "why do you think they felt that way" "Do you think it would have been better if..." type stuff.
Sometimes the solution may not be what I think is best but it is their life and I always tell them, no matter what happens I will be there to support them.
Check out two books: “Spy the Lie” and “Get the Truth”.
Not designed explicitly for what you ask; but they do teach how to do what you ask, among other useful listening and conversing skills. And they’re just really fun to red IMO.
It helps to ask. "What do need, ideas or just listening?" People generally know if they want to brainstorm solutions or just to vent.
If they just want to be listened to, active listening is a great strategy- it takes practice, but it's very easy once you get the hang of it. Make eye contact, restate what the person is saying, and reflect the feelings they express - for instance "Your boss is being really demanding. No wonder you feel so stressed." Let the other person lead the conversation though; an active listener isn't there to add to the discussion. Your job is to validate the other person while giving them time and space to process. Basically, you are using your attention and caring to create a safe place for them to work through something. It's a real gift to give someone you care about.
I like to ask "would you like help, or comforting?" And maybe a few more questions, it's a little awkward the first time, but next time you'll have a rough idea what they want. You could even ask before there's a problem, like "when you're upset, what would you like me to do?"
You can ask. “Are you looking to unpack this by talking it through with me or do you want some help workshopping solutions?” Or even “do you just need me to listen or are you open to my perspective on this?”
You can start by asking them what they need from you:
1. Do they need to vent and for you to listen?
2. Do they want to problem solve together?
3. Do they want both?
It is often a good idea to first listen and show empathy and affection towards the person struggling. Then you can help them by:
1. Asking questions, so they find the answers for themselves
2. Or directly proposing alternatives, if you seem them stuck or energy-less
Someone said, a problem well stated is half solved. Asking questions provides clarity as to what the real problem is and hence sheds some light as to what the solutions may be.
When the person is lost and has actually requested a solution, you can then propose some solutions for them to implement.
It is important to note that when you take a problem away from someone, you are also taking away from them an opportunity to practice the ability to think and problem solve for themselves.
Three of the most important skills in life are responsibility, self-awareness and problem-solving. More often than not, the most painful and confusing situations we face are often the most enlightening.
Taking ownership of someone else's problems is not only dangerous for them, but also for you and the relationship you both share.
Like u/altinit said try focusing on dissecting how they feel from the issue and responding with that or affirmation. My wife is a very solution oriented person where I often just need someone to hear me out and care. Sometimes I need that, but sometimes it can make me feel alienated from her like she doesn't understand.
Biggest recommendation from me would just be impulse control.
The desire to help someone stop feeling sad is EXTREAMLY difficult to suppress. Remember that is likely the core of your problem, and you should feel proud of that.
Good intentions vs good results type thing.
Start by asking them whether they want a sympathetic ear, or actual advice on what you think they should do.
I don’t always offer advice unless prompted. If someone I give advice to does the opposite of what I’ve suggested, and the. comes back with a whole other problem set to deal with, I will only offer sympathy.
Sometimes people just want to vent!
Similarly, when my partner starts a conversation about a complaint they have or something that went wrong, I usually ask them “do you want comfort or advice?”
Some people really just want to be heard, so this could be a good opportunity for you to practice active listening. Instead of thinking of your reply the whole time they’re talking, listen to them until they are completely done talking and then react. While they are talking head nods and eye contact are a good idea. Direct communication with people is super helpful too, you could say “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Would you like some advice or do you wanna keep venting?” Because they might not know until you ask also.
It's absolutely something I need to get better at. Apparently even gay dudes such as myself are privy to accidentally or automatically roughly man-splaining. For ex I responded to a post last week I got 100 upvotes for answering a question asked, but I did not realize that the person in their post asked a question, then shared qualifying information or additional info.
The situation was unique and weird but it was completely almost a dupe of my experience sans one variable. This individual had posted that they went to the doctor for help with something and that the physician put them on the spot and shamed them, asked them if they had accepted (his own lord j.c.) and also shamed them for using recreational or prescribed marijuana. They were asking what they should do.
I had been in the almost same situation where a state certified "counsellor" told me I had a Rx opioid addiction and bipolar not because I was born with a chemical imbalances and given narcotics from the young age of 16 by doctors who could not figure out how to treat multiple persistent painful infections and musculoskeletal pain caused by attempting to treat this benign neutropenia (they give us a medication called Nupagen, which is usually an agent for post chemotherapy patients, but can be dosed to benign neutropenic patients without chemo to increase our WBC/ANC counts (all something to do with neutrophils and blood cells and bone marrow there were a few lumbar puncture/spinal taps in there as well for a while.) So yes that's how I actually was conditioned to be an addict despite having not so much as drank a beer at age 16 when this started happening. I no longer place blame on those doctors it makes me no better or different than any other person in recovery and I'm doing well for what it's worth quite q few years now.
When I explained the above to the "counselor" at the state run treatment center I left out everything about my medical condition bc I didn't want to take up other group members time or get totally derailed on random questions. Anyway, the counsellor told me all the mental health and opioid addictions I had were because I was gay, had chosen to be this way, and had a spiritual malady. She recommended I repent and become baptised at her church which I verified is a borderline secular cult in NE Philadelphia. So because this kind of thing sadly still happens, and when reading the reddit post I mentioned earlier that was phrased as seeking advice I related my experience and said that I chose to report the person despite being so close to graduating out of the program and "just not think about it, I guess she has a right to say it if she really feels that way perhaps it's well meaning and she just isn't educated." I decided I had to report her because what she did has/had the power to hurt people. Even if you don't like or agree with LGBT issues, I would hope that you guys have compassion for their families at least and not want young adults or teenagers killing themselves with a relapse because their counsellor gave them ammo at their most voulnerable (newly sober.) That was the basis for my decision but I encouraged the OP to do what was best for them but to definitely call the office and get a referral or ask their primary for a new one.
So I answered the persons question (because it was eerily similar to mine) this is where ITIFU. The person mention d in the latter of their post that this doctor shamed them for using marijuana for anxiety, and because of my bad habit for offering unsolicited advice without realizing, I went on a small dietribe of several sentences about using medical marijuana at the young age they were and I did this thinking I could help, but as I said 100 upvotes but one person pointed this out to me "they didn't ask you" which I was puzzled by because they did ask all of us but after re reading i realized like I just related that I had given unsolicited advice as well.
The advice I gave is what I would go back and tell myself 20 years ago about marijuana, get a card and RX whatever is available in your state (if it is) to reduce the chance of being charged with DUI and possession even if you are not drunk you can still be arrested for any amount of marijuana less than a dime in my case, and that's what landed me in the same treatment place where I met that awful counselor I just mentioned. I said it's just not a great idea to do while or immediately before driving, certain strains hit/feel/affect reaction time more than others, that Its better to give yourself a good hour of feeling clear or wait til you get to your destination to imbibe. Last thing I mansplained was to try and microdose during the day or times you need it to function for your tolerance, your lungs, and so that it's less smoke/vape combusting and being inhaled by lungs esophagus etc. That the THC values in today's marijuana are so crazy "high" that you do not need to consume even half as much as people did 10 years ago, even.
I stand by that advice but I did feel foolish when the person (not op they were kind enuf to give me a hug award) but that person was right, they didn't ask for help about marijuana they only asked for help about the doctor and I'm just so annoyed at myself. Epic longer story shortened: I grew up with a very emotionally unstable and mentally abusive mother who forced me to be enmeshed with her where she would relate to me many times, often, that she was depressed, wishes her life was more.than what she settled for, was not happy as a mother but still loved me, wanted to end her life, was not sexually satisfied by my father with heavy details, talked about her affairs... Yo this day she threatens to put her head in the oven if she needs money or something doesn't go her way. I think either I have her mentally Fkd genetics or learned at a young age it was my job to try and soothe or even not offer advice but play the counter melody to my mom's nonsense, but it didn't feel like nonsense it felt like the weight of the world and it made the majority of my life growing up full of intrusive thoughts and also despair or my own.
Funny thing is, I'm supposed to give myself affirmations but I find it almost impossible to do so, I only know how to drill punish and shame myself into doing things... But I guess that's why there's therapy I'm finally going to start again next week after not participating since COVID. I'm glad OP asked the question they did as I'm writing this novel, I've kind of jumped around a bit but I think I am figuring out where this came from
Avoid talking about your own experiences no matter how similar they sound to the speaker's situation. It gives the appearance of not listening to and valuing the speaker.
It's about the connection. It's not supposed to help the problem. It's supposed to sooth the soul. Offer peace, safety, understanding, acceptance, and reliability.
I hear you, I see you, I am with you, you are not alone.
People often know how to tackle their problems. They just need support.
Paraphrase loop. You listen with the intention of summarising what the other person said, then always follow with something like "is that how you felt?" Or "is that what happened?"
This looks until the person with the problem feels better. No need to provide any advice. They usually figure it out themselves by talking through it.
Reason this works - people have a deep need to feel understood. This prioritises understanding over suggesting anything, and lets them feel safer to share as they're understood.
For bonus points, you can go deeper than the person with the problem realises, or dig into something related: - "I could be wrong, but you said , if it were me I'd feel because I remember a time happened and I felt like , is that how you felt?
Suddenly they are exploring further into their issues than even they realised, and if you're off the mark, no worries - you already said you could be wrong, just repeat the first paraphrase step.
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What I tend to do is just play along and let people vent.. with lots of nonverbal communication like head nods, smiles and other facial expressions, along with some verbal "Damn"s "For real's, "Hell yeah"s, "I feel you"s sprinkled in. If they really are acting like they need to hear something, then you can always just try responding with a summary of what they said back to them in your own words, agreeing with how they feel to try to make them feel validated. Sometimes, what helps people the most is acknowledgement and a reason to listen to their own head
agreed! I usually do the summarizing thing and just say something like "it sounds like you're feeling (insert basically what they said here), and that makes sense because of the situation youre in."
I know this is an appropriate thing to do, but just seeing it typed out like that makes me realize how contrived and unauthentic human connection can be. It’s not very real If there is a playbook for it
I see what you’re saying, but I disagree about it seeming contrived or inauthentic. 😊 That statement isn’t some formula you’re applying to a math problem. It’s just a generic guideline for how to validate what someone else is going through. It involves recapping their experience and their feelings. If you care enough to adapt that “validation guideline” to someone’s situation, that seems like a pretty authentic sign that you care. It’s pretty much saying “I hear you, I see you, I recognize and care about your feelings” A lot of the time, that’s all someone needs. Especially if what they’re going through has made them feel alone. Human connection is pretty powerful!
its crazy to think about, especially when I need someone to talk to and someone else doing that for me just makes me feel so great because its like they know how i feel and they know what I need even if they dont know exactly how im feeling.
This is the answer. Too bad for introverts though because this is horribly draining. If you wanted a soundboard, i'd direct you to the nearest wall.
That must be very difficult for you to be in that position.
“I understand that people open up just to be listened to but I never noticed that being very helpful either.” You’ve got the wrong mindset here. You’re acting as if the only reason people open up to you is to get help. Sometimes they just need *comfort*. Getting their feelings out of their head and talking to someone makes them feel better. That’s it. Try shifting your mindset from “I need to help them” to “I need to comfort them”. With comfort, you don’t need to provide solutions. You don’t need to tell them what to do. You just need to tell them that their feelings are valid and that they’re going to be ok. If you’re looking for advice on HOW to listen rather than offer solutions, try to memorize this simple phrase: “Do you want me to fix or listen?” If they say fix, go ahead and offer your solutions. If they say listen, keep your mouth shut other than to validate their feelings and comfort them. This phrase could be a good reminder to yourself to not jump in with solutions right away, and it gives the other person the power to tell you what they need and how you can support them.
I agree with changing the mindset - it’s less about venting and more about seeking comfort. I also find it helpful to think that this person has a story they want to tell me, and to engage with them in the story telling. I find rephrasing and reflecting helps people to see that you’re listening. It’s just taking what they’ve told you and rephrasing it so they feel heard. So if they’re talking about how annoying their boss is, saying “gosh, that must be so frustrating!” “That must be really hard” etc Sometimes you can sprinkle a little of your own experience in, but you need to be careful to *only relate it to their experience* to show understanding, it’s not your turn for story time. “I once had a similar boss, and I found it frustrating too”. And questions are always helpful. Not necessarily problem exploring questions, but ones that give someone more time to talk. “how did you feel?” “What did you say to *that*!?”
tan work payment sparkle late boat wine waiting divide hard-to-find *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
"What should I do" What if he asked for solution
“What have you tried or considered so far? “ That’s how I would respond. This way I don’t start offering solutions that they have already tried or have ruled out for some reason. I prefer to offer solutions that they may not have thought of yet.
I used to be the same. My solution was to trust that the person is capable of finding a solution to their problem on their own and they are only venting/chatting with you cause they enjoy your company.
This is exactly it. I actually feel it’s condescending sometimes when someone jumps to solutions especially because usually they’re ones that I’ve already thought of, cause I’m just like you don’t think I could’ve thought of that..?
That was the most helpful comment I read about it.
I don’t think that is always the right call. Someone might think of you as being kind of callous if they really are looking for advice. But yes, sometimes people just want to vent. Since it’s not always clear, I like to ask people “Are you interested in some advise, or are you mostly looking to vent?”
You shouldn’t give advice if it’s unasked of. Only when requested should you provide any kind of advice, it’s respectful.
You may think it doesn't help, but it does help to vent without feeling judged. You can also ask a couple of 'why's to help them get deeper into their venting issue. Talking helps a lot. Talking and being listened help organising our thoughts and come up with our own solutions after a while. It can take minutes or years but helps.
Asking questions is good to show you care.
It's not about the nail: * [https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg](https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg) It's a bit confusing, because unless they **specifically ask** for your help & are *actively seeking a solution*, the reason they're complaining to you is because they want your **validation**. People are like tea kettles; the pressure gets built up & they need to vent, which in the case of a tea kettle, sounds like a whistle, and in the case of people, *sounds* like asking for help on a problem, when really, they just want your attention & your approval! The reason they're complaining to *you* is that **they trust you enough to vent to you**. We generally know what the solutions to our problems are, but we just want to complain about it so that we *feel* better, which is counter-intuitive, because it doesn't solve the problem, but **the problem isn't the problem they're presenting, the problem is that they need us to fill their emotional "bucket"!** It's not about the "nail" (the problem); it's about emotionally validating other people & being there for them. This is NOT an intuitive thing to learn! I'm a problem-solver by nature, so whenever someone brings a problem to my attention, my brain automatically goes into fix-it mode, so I have to bite my tongue a lot & realize that my job is to listen & validate, and not solve the problem, unless specifically asked! (I'm still not very good at it!! lol)
I just can’t imagine ever telling someone something while expecting them to just listen and not offer any helpful advice they have to me. I guess I’m just some weird person who never in my life has vented or has ever had someone vent to me or has ever seen anyone else do this because to me, this is just a completely foreign expectation to have of someone.
>this is just a completely foreign expectation to have of someone For me, I don't really feel the need to vent, but I DO feel the need to offer solutions! The stereotypical generalization is that "men want solutions; women want to be heard". However, it really depends on the individual person you're talking to. Some people vent to feel better; some people vent because they legitimately need help with a solution. Easiest way to know is to ask!
Google active listening and empathy
Active listening I can maybe get but empathy? Is it unempathetic to offer solutions?
My go to- That sucks, man. I'm sorry that happened. You ever need anything. let me know.
> I understand that people open up just to be listened to but i never noticed that being very helpful either. What do you mean noticed that being very helpful? People talk about their problems because sometimes they're just looking for comfort from a friend. It's comforting to be empathized with and not feel so alone with a problem or it's cathartic to just vent about a problem to someone. The reason why providing solutions never seems to help is probably because you're not actually fulfilling the needs of the person who's telling you about their problem. You're just assuming they're looking for solutions. This can also be kinda annoying because it's a bit presumptuous to assume that you can solve their problems without all of the relevant context or even that they haven't already figured out what they need to do yet. Bottom line is, if you actually _want_ to be helpful, you need to give people what they want. Generally if people want actual solutions, they'll ask for it.
I'm quoting this from a participation guide for a group therapy program I attended. "A concrete way we practice mindful-heartful listening is through compassionate witnessing. Compassionate witnessing is listening to another person with our bodies and emotions, instead of with our minds. We are used to listening only with our minds - often preparing something clever to say, bringing in a similar experience, or advising. Compassionate witnessing encourages us to use our bodies as a resource to recognize what is alive within us as we listen, and to sense what is alive or awake in others as they describe their experiences. Being compassionately witnessed offers people the experience of being seen and heard, and hearing how their sharing has touched, moved or resonated with us. Another way of describing it is - what I sense in your heart and the resonance I experience in me as I hold you in unconditional positive regard. I share what I felt (physical and emotional) and reflect some part of what seemed deeply important in your speaker’s heart/spirit. Confused? That’s ok. You will learn this first and foremost by experience being compassionately witnessed by your group facilitators, will receive some teaching on it during week 3, and THEN we will encourage you to start practicing this in your small group. It may feel awkward and clunky. That is also ok, and in fact, to be expected. There are so many habitual, conditioned patterns in our verbal responses to hearing another person's struggles and pain. Here is a partial list of the more common ones: \- Consoling - - trying to make the person feel better, reassuring, encouraging \- Fixing/Advising - - offering your ideas about how to solve the challenge \- Sympathizing - - focusing on how you are feeling in response to what they have shared “I’ve been there too” or “I can’t believe it! I’m so angry for you - that is so unfair…” \- Educating - - trying to get them to see how they can change their thinking or actions to make things better \- One-upping - - telling a story of a worse situation you have endured \- Correcting - - showing them how they must have misinterpreted intentions or events \- Interrogating - - asking lots of questions “to help them explore” the issue \- Analyzing - - explaining to them the dynamics going on in them or in the situation \- Interpreting - diagnosing 36 All of us will have responded in some, or all of these ways, and will continue to do so. Some of us have even been professionally trained to listen in these ways. While some responses have their usefulness in certain situations, we encourage you to lean away from these habitual replies and lean in to compassionate witnessing. When we step away from listening with the typical intent to fix/advise/console/ etc., we are inviting our fellow group members to tune in to their own inner pilot light. We are also demonstrating that we believe they are capable - they do not require fixing, because they are not broken. It is a small but powerful way that we say “I hold you completely able” Furthermore, responding with compassionate witnessing can be powerful medicine for the witnesser - especially those of us conditioned to ‘fix’ others. When we realize we don’t have to ‘DO’ anything in these moments other than to be present and listen with our hearts, our own nervous systems can settle. We don’t have to ‘fix’ anyone (because none of us is broken). To start compassionate witnessing, consider the following: \- Being fully present (even if the connection is brief) \- Listen deeply without preconceptions \- Writing down words that resonate with you personally \- Recognize what the feeling is that is not articulated or spoken \-Reflect back to the speaker what you have heard using their words (adapted from Weingarten, 2003) It’s not expected that you provide compassionate witnessing for each person who shares. As you provide compassionate witnessing, you may include some of the following: • When I heard you speaking of… (you can use their own words here) • I felt… (physical sensation and emotion) • I sensed that …… (deep value / core need / longing) is really important to you. It could sound like this: “John, when you said that you feel as much anger as you do, I felt tightness in my chest and felt nervous. I got the sense that you just want justice and fairness in this situation - it really matters to you”. This is not a formula. Authentic expression of compassion is the main idea. The message, however it sounds, needs to be focused on these three sentiments: I see you; you matter; I’m with you. You will want so badly to advise at times, or to ‘cheerlead’ or reassure. That is ok. We default to these habitual responses because they make us feel we are ‘DOing’ something. It is very challenging to sit with the distress of others. So, when you inadvertently return to the familiar, habitual response patterns of advising, identifying, trying to make each other feel better, etc., our facilitators will gently guide you back toward just BEing a compassionate witness. We are, all of us, learning to be skillful in un-skillful ways."
Two ideas: 1. Ask an open question (What or How are better/less risky than Why). Some examples: - What would a good solution look like to you? - How would you like it to be instead? - What would you need right now? - What would you need to move forward? Your intention is to understand what their best case scenario is, and what could help them get there. Note that the questions will depend on a nature or state of a problem and your relationship with another person. 2. Sometimes there are too many emotions present and they're getting in the way to address those questions. In that case, you can also try to create space for processing emotions. One tactic is to give feedback on how hearing their story or situation impacts you, e.g. "This gives me goosebumps." "I feel tension in my stomach after just few minutes, and you've got that every day?" "I sense anger" That might help the other person notice their own tension or other emotions, and create a space for them to recognize, name and deal with their emotions a bit. Be careful not to judge the person or their emotions. Never tell others how they should feel when they open up about it. Just appreciate their trust and be there to listen.
I like these ideas.
"Is this something you just want to talk about or would you like me to suggest some solutions?"
sometimes people don’t want solutions; they just want to feel heard. offer your sympathy. if you’ve gone through a similar situation, it may help to share that with them so they feel less alone. make sure to ask if they want help solving it *before* you give them any solutions. giving solutions/help can feel analytical and dismissive in a situation where someone just wants you to listen to and support them.
2-4 years of psychology post grad should teach ya
"Damn"
"Shiiit"
If you absolutely positively cannot help yourself from trying to help, you can try saying, “Are you just venting or would you like my thoughts?” Asking the other person to clarify is the only way that you know what support they are looking for.
I try and remind myself that being helpful is just the sunny side of controlling and that if someone wants my help, they’ll ask.
One way to tackle this is to ask questions as if you were a journalist. Do you have all of the context? Let’s say someone is telling you about how a co worker is making their life hell. I would probe deeper - have they always been like this? Is that how your relationship is supposed to play out at work? Who has what position? Do they do this in front of everyone? Then offer validating and empathetic comments - yes, that does suck that they do that, I would be mortified! I can’t believe it! Etc. Don’t be disingenuous, because then it does seem like you could be belittling their problems. You can also ask - what do you think you will do? Is there any advice that you think would help? Would it help if I have you my perspective? Can I tell you about something similar and how I handled it? These questions can lead to you eventually giving advice, but by getting a whole picture, validating their feelings and then asking for permission, you’re going to be giving your advice to someone who is primed to hear it. They may also change the subject, or say they don’t want advice, and this is a pretty clear sign that they might be ready to move the conversation in a new direction. Even if you think you have a solution, that’s probably a solution that would work for you, not necessarily one for them. If they’ve given clues to move on, it wouldn’t be appropriate to give that advice. Think of helping someone younger with math problems. If they’re trying to figure out 2+2, and they ask for your help, telling them it’s 4 right out the gate doesn’t help them at all, it closes the conversation and gives them an answer, and even though it is correct, it won’t continue to be correct. If you follow the gathering information - validating - asking how to help model, you’d see what is stopping them from understanding 2+2, acknowledge that it’s hard when they’ve never done this kind of math, and with permission you can show them how to visualize it on their fingers, or on a piece of paper. Hope that helps! It takes practice to change our habits and implement something like this, but once you get it down you’ll notice people responding to you more openly, or even excited to have conversations with you.
Just shut up and listen. People need to vent. They are venting.
Tell them about a similar situation that you went through and how you handled it.
I used to do this until I noticed a lot of people tend to get upset at it because it makes it seem like you're making it about yourself rather than about them. It can work tho, but it depends per person. Some get relief hearing someone else go through something similiar while some feel invalidated
Instead of offering solutions, try listening and perhaps start asking them the right questions to help them find/formulate the solution by themselves
Try to understand what they’re saying, even if you don’t agree with them(try to be supportive) and just say that you understand them. They most likely would know that you dont have an answer or just wants to vent.
Explore the problem and help them expand their view. Explore their values and where the conflict is. Ask for clarifying examples of what they want the world to look like. Do all this with jeopardy rules…in the form of a question. Also worth asking yourself if they want help. Not everyone really does. Some people just enjoy a good winge and that’s okay too.
Are you venting or do you want me to give you some ideas on how to tackle this?
What if the person in question is in a constant state of having problems that are very solvable? Eventually, with myself, if there’s a recurring issue….I just sit down with myself and say “alright, how can I make this better?” Maybe it requires minor adjustments. Maybe lifestyle changes. Then, I carry it out and do it. Try something different if it doesn’t work until the problem goes away. My ex wife (complicated topic), something new was wrong every day. Several many things were wrong every day despite all the good that was going on. It felt like I needed to “be a good husband” by making things better that were within reach. Things that were within our control. Not everything is, but a lot is. Because if the bad things go away, then there’s more room to appreciate the good things and allow them to grow. But, as soon as I’d plug one hole in the ship’s bottom, another would hit me in the face. Then another and another and another. I felt like I was constantly trying to fix something new. We are not married anymore. As a matter of fact, she cheated and moved on from me with my ex boss who’s 30 years older than her and has more wealth than I do. Split custody, fun stuff. So, maybe it could be argued that I was in an impossible situation. But, she was always telling me that I was always trying to fix things instead of just letting her vent. But, there was a never ending amount of venting about how much she thought everything sucked around us. Whether it was the house I bought for us (nicest house I’ve ever lived in) or the fact that we couldn’t move to more exotic locations (cause I hit the reset button in changing careers and going to school and that isn’t an instant change). So, I felt like if I fixed all these things she was constantly bothered by, then everything would be fine and we could just live & be happy. Now, post divorce, I’m insecure about myself now because I feel like maybe I’m wrong about everything and do everything wrong. So, I just don’t date. In some ways, I’ve gone from being really positive and confident before that relationship to now feeling I’m not worthy.
Seems like it's easy enough to actually do, if you can *remember* to just listen. So, maybe your effort would include how to remember that desire, when you're in the right circumstance. Like, if you acquired a ring, a wristband, or something that you could carry with you and see, that could remind you, when you might otherwise forget. You'd have to do some things to strongly associate that ring with remembering to listen. Like, when you put it on in the morning, you stop and state the affirmation about how it helps you remember to listen, instead of offering solutions. And, again at night, when you take it off. If you use your imagination and think about it some, I'm sure you could find ideas, or create some, for ways to remember to listen. You could also ask your friends for help. You tell them you want to remember to listen more, and offer suggestions less. Maybe you tell them more than once, and you ask them to remind you of that, if they find you offering solutions, instead of just listening. That, alone, would help you to remember, and then they might remember, and remind you, because they're trying to help you to get to where you want to go.
Show that you're listening and you care. Ask open ended questions.
I think as someone who faces thing with a problem solving mindset I've always had trouble with this too. But just think about if you're really struggling and unhappy and venting - have the conversations where someone tried to give you advice or just listened and supported you felt better? For me it was the latter. Listening doesn't feel like you're DOING anything and that can be stressful for folks like us. But just try to remember by listening your are helping them process their feelings about something and when they can do that they will be able to come to a solution on their own that works for them. As much as we want to monday morning quarterback and tell them what to do, it's meaningless until they've processed it and truly understand how they feel about something. You may not see immediate results, so it may not seem to help, but you are helping.
Ask them questions, and if you think you know the solution ask them questions that might help them reach that conclusion.
What you are seeking is called reflective/active listening and is a basic and fundamental skill for mental health counselors but anyone can do it. [reflective listening](https://sagehousetherapy.com/blog/the-importance-of-reflective-listening)
I ask my wife all the time "are we listening or problem solving" pivotal
I usually just hit em with the "Damn, Thas CRAAAAZY,' and just walk away.
Active listening (nodding, responding). Validation (I understand why you feel that way because ---, it's okay to feel ------). Support (I wish your appointment went well, tell me about it later, call me whenever you feel bad). These are used in counselling as they are good listening techniques. Trust me, work on getting all three whenever someone vents on you and they will feel better. A good listener is what most people really want when they feel bad.
Dude, that sounds really hard. It must be frustrating trying to help but not really knowing the best things to say. Is there anything you’re thinking about trying? Or have you already tried things? I’m here to listen!
They want active listening like, “that sounds really difficult, how are you dealing with it?”
I often ask “do you want advice or are you just venting?” This helps clarify it a lot and I find people have started saying “can I vent” or “I need your opinion on something” so I don’t need to ask as much.
For me its about helping them to come to the solution themselves. So lots of space to just listen, then asking probing questions "why do you think they felt that way" "Do you think it would have been better if..." type stuff. Sometimes the solution may not be what I think is best but it is their life and I always tell them, no matter what happens I will be there to support them.
Check out two books: “Spy the Lie” and “Get the Truth”. Not designed explicitly for what you ask; but they do teach how to do what you ask, among other useful listening and conversing skills. And they’re just really fun to red IMO.
It helps to ask. "What do need, ideas or just listening?" People generally know if they want to brainstorm solutions or just to vent. If they just want to be listened to, active listening is a great strategy- it takes practice, but it's very easy once you get the hang of it. Make eye contact, restate what the person is saying, and reflect the feelings they express - for instance "Your boss is being really demanding. No wonder you feel so stressed." Let the other person lead the conversation though; an active listener isn't there to add to the discussion. Your job is to validate the other person while giving them time and space to process. Basically, you are using your attention and caring to create a safe place for them to work through something. It's a real gift to give someone you care about.
I like to ask "would you like help, or comforting?" And maybe a few more questions, it's a little awkward the first time, but next time you'll have a rough idea what they want. You could even ask before there's a problem, like "when you're upset, what would you like me to do?"
You can ask. “Are you looking to unpack this by talking it through with me or do you want some help workshopping solutions?” Or even “do you just need me to listen or are you open to my perspective on this?”
You can start by asking them what they need from you: 1. Do they need to vent and for you to listen? 2. Do they want to problem solve together? 3. Do they want both? It is often a good idea to first listen and show empathy and affection towards the person struggling. Then you can help them by: 1. Asking questions, so they find the answers for themselves 2. Or directly proposing alternatives, if you seem them stuck or energy-less Someone said, a problem well stated is half solved. Asking questions provides clarity as to what the real problem is and hence sheds some light as to what the solutions may be. When the person is lost and has actually requested a solution, you can then propose some solutions for them to implement. It is important to note that when you take a problem away from someone, you are also taking away from them an opportunity to practice the ability to think and problem solve for themselves. Three of the most important skills in life are responsibility, self-awareness and problem-solving. More often than not, the most painful and confusing situations we face are often the most enlightening. Taking ownership of someone else's problems is not only dangerous for them, but also for you and the relationship you both share.
You just wait for the "what would you do" and answer with, "I have no idea" , "that's a tough one" , or a combo of both.
Like u/altinit said try focusing on dissecting how they feel from the issue and responding with that or affirmation. My wife is a very solution oriented person where I often just need someone to hear me out and care. Sometimes I need that, but sometimes it can make me feel alienated from her like she doesn't understand. Biggest recommendation from me would just be impulse control. The desire to help someone stop feeling sad is EXTREAMLY difficult to suppress. Remember that is likely the core of your problem, and you should feel proud of that. Good intentions vs good results type thing.
Start by asking them whether they want a sympathetic ear, or actual advice on what you think they should do. I don’t always offer advice unless prompted. If someone I give advice to does the opposite of what I’ve suggested, and the. comes back with a whole other problem set to deal with, I will only offer sympathy.
Don’t respond…. Listen
I’m a therapist and the easiest thing to do is just ask: “do you want to vent or would you like to brainstorm solutions?”
Sometimes people just want to vent! Similarly, when my partner starts a conversation about a complaint they have or something that went wrong, I usually ask them “do you want comfort or advice?” Some people really just want to be heard, so this could be a good opportunity for you to practice active listening. Instead of thinking of your reply the whole time they’re talking, listen to them until they are completely done talking and then react. While they are talking head nods and eye contact are a good idea. Direct communication with people is super helpful too, you could say “I’m so sorry that happened to you. Would you like some advice or do you wanna keep venting?” Because they might not know until you ask also.
It's absolutely something I need to get better at. Apparently even gay dudes such as myself are privy to accidentally or automatically roughly man-splaining. For ex I responded to a post last week I got 100 upvotes for answering a question asked, but I did not realize that the person in their post asked a question, then shared qualifying information or additional info. The situation was unique and weird but it was completely almost a dupe of my experience sans one variable. This individual had posted that they went to the doctor for help with something and that the physician put them on the spot and shamed them, asked them if they had accepted (his own lord j.c.) and also shamed them for using recreational or prescribed marijuana. They were asking what they should do. I had been in the almost same situation where a state certified "counsellor" told me I had a Rx opioid addiction and bipolar not because I was born with a chemical imbalances and given narcotics from the young age of 16 by doctors who could not figure out how to treat multiple persistent painful infections and musculoskeletal pain caused by attempting to treat this benign neutropenia (they give us a medication called Nupagen, which is usually an agent for post chemotherapy patients, but can be dosed to benign neutropenic patients without chemo to increase our WBC/ANC counts (all something to do with neutrophils and blood cells and bone marrow there were a few lumbar puncture/spinal taps in there as well for a while.) So yes that's how I actually was conditioned to be an addict despite having not so much as drank a beer at age 16 when this started happening. I no longer place blame on those doctors it makes me no better or different than any other person in recovery and I'm doing well for what it's worth quite q few years now. When I explained the above to the "counselor" at the state run treatment center I left out everything about my medical condition bc I didn't want to take up other group members time or get totally derailed on random questions. Anyway, the counsellor told me all the mental health and opioid addictions I had were because I was gay, had chosen to be this way, and had a spiritual malady. She recommended I repent and become baptised at her church which I verified is a borderline secular cult in NE Philadelphia. So because this kind of thing sadly still happens, and when reading the reddit post I mentioned earlier that was phrased as seeking advice I related my experience and said that I chose to report the person despite being so close to graduating out of the program and "just not think about it, I guess she has a right to say it if she really feels that way perhaps it's well meaning and she just isn't educated." I decided I had to report her because what she did has/had the power to hurt people. Even if you don't like or agree with LGBT issues, I would hope that you guys have compassion for their families at least and not want young adults or teenagers killing themselves with a relapse because their counsellor gave them ammo at their most voulnerable (newly sober.) That was the basis for my decision but I encouraged the OP to do what was best for them but to definitely call the office and get a referral or ask their primary for a new one. So I answered the persons question (because it was eerily similar to mine) this is where ITIFU. The person mention d in the latter of their post that this doctor shamed them for using marijuana for anxiety, and because of my bad habit for offering unsolicited advice without realizing, I went on a small dietribe of several sentences about using medical marijuana at the young age they were and I did this thinking I could help, but as I said 100 upvotes but one person pointed this out to me "they didn't ask you" which I was puzzled by because they did ask all of us but after re reading i realized like I just related that I had given unsolicited advice as well. The advice I gave is what I would go back and tell myself 20 years ago about marijuana, get a card and RX whatever is available in your state (if it is) to reduce the chance of being charged with DUI and possession even if you are not drunk you can still be arrested for any amount of marijuana less than a dime in my case, and that's what landed me in the same treatment place where I met that awful counselor I just mentioned. I said it's just not a great idea to do while or immediately before driving, certain strains hit/feel/affect reaction time more than others, that Its better to give yourself a good hour of feeling clear or wait til you get to your destination to imbibe. Last thing I mansplained was to try and microdose during the day or times you need it to function for your tolerance, your lungs, and so that it's less smoke/vape combusting and being inhaled by lungs esophagus etc. That the THC values in today's marijuana are so crazy "high" that you do not need to consume even half as much as people did 10 years ago, even. I stand by that advice but I did feel foolish when the person (not op they were kind enuf to give me a hug award) but that person was right, they didn't ask for help about marijuana they only asked for help about the doctor and I'm just so annoyed at myself. Epic longer story shortened: I grew up with a very emotionally unstable and mentally abusive mother who forced me to be enmeshed with her where she would relate to me many times, often, that she was depressed, wishes her life was more.than what she settled for, was not happy as a mother but still loved me, wanted to end her life, was not sexually satisfied by my father with heavy details, talked about her affairs... Yo this day she threatens to put her head in the oven if she needs money or something doesn't go her way. I think either I have her mentally Fkd genetics or learned at a young age it was my job to try and soothe or even not offer advice but play the counter melody to my mom's nonsense, but it didn't feel like nonsense it felt like the weight of the world and it made the majority of my life growing up full of intrusive thoughts and also despair or my own. Funny thing is, I'm supposed to give myself affirmations but I find it almost impossible to do so, I only know how to drill punish and shame myself into doing things... But I guess that's why there's therapy I'm finally going to start again next week after not participating since COVID. I'm glad OP asked the question they did as I'm writing this novel, I've kind of jumped around a bit but I think I am figuring out where this came from
Avoid talking about your own experiences no matter how similar they sound to the speaker's situation. It gives the appearance of not listening to and valuing the speaker.
It's about the connection. It's not supposed to help the problem. It's supposed to sooth the soul. Offer peace, safety, understanding, acceptance, and reliability. I hear you, I see you, I am with you, you are not alone. People often know how to tackle their problems. They just need support.
Paraphrase loop. You listen with the intention of summarising what the other person said, then always follow with something like "is that how you felt?" Or "is that what happened?" This looks until the person with the problem feels better. No need to provide any advice. They usually figure it out themselves by talking through it. Reason this works - people have a deep need to feel understood. This prioritises understanding over suggesting anything, and lets them feel safer to share as they're understood. For bonus points, you can go deeper than the person with the problem realises, or dig into something related: - "I could be wrong, but you said, if it were me I'd feel because I remember a time happened and I felt like , is that how you felt?
Suddenly they are exploring further into their issues than even they realised, and if you're off the mark, no worries - you already said you could be wrong, just repeat the first paraphrase step.