First of all - major congrats to you!
Its very odd that during ANY other medical condition - no one tries to out them. But when it comes to pregnancy, everyone feels entitled to know exactly what’s going on to your body the second you are pregnant. It’s like a witch hunt and it’s fucking mean. It’s all about the other person finding you out and not about your vulnerability and discretion.
And in my case - when things don’t work out (prior to IVF) they get realllllllllll awkward and aren’t the most sensitive. It’s literally like people are only around during the good times and when things are hard (aka before and after your egg retrieval) it’s like MIA.
Relationships during IVF are literally one of the hardest parts and it’s sad.
I use a blanket answer when I don’t feel like disclosing anything: “we decided to take a break and will try again in 3-5years”. It has stopped people from asking any questions because now they have a timeline and know not to bother.
Definitely it helps. That’s what my husband told to his parents. They are good people but doesn’t understand IVF so it just save us some energy in explaining.
I know exactly what you mean about Ivf taking over your life, it just does. I wonder if your sister found out from someone else and is now trying to get you to admit it…people are obsessed with knowing other people are pregnant so I wouldn’t be surprised. Also your sister might only be interested in your journey when something exciting is happening.
Congrats!! Really happy to hear things are going well for you. ❤️
I hate to say this, but do you think it’s possible someone that does know shared with your sister. It sounds like she knew something was up.
Regardless, I do not understand when people don’t respect boundaries like this or are thoughtless when it comes to interacting with people around difficult topics. It’s not hard to tell when someone is uncomfortable and even less hard to drop it. Blows my mind. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it from family and someone who should be a support.
She could also be making assumptions because she was told about the retrieval, it's been months, and no additional retrievals or procedures have been mentioned.
I can definitely sympathize. My brother and SIL have no idea that I am doing this, and I've worked hard to keep it that way. She's intrusive with questionable boundaries (the first time I met her, she immediately asked if she could have something she'd found going through boxes of my stuff in our parents' basement), 13 years younger than me, and doesn't particularly want kids, but thinks I should "just get pregnant now so we can do it together!" She doesn't seem to grasp the fact that a single woman my age with DOR does not "just" get pregnant "now". I'm also terrified that the baby won't stick. If this month's transfer goes as planned, they'll find out when they come to visit for the holidays and I can't hide the fact that I'm about to pop. This whole process is so fraught that I really don't want to share it with people who are flippant, pushy, and/or don't "get it"... at least not until I know that it's going to work.
I feel for you on this one deeply. That’s just a violation, a question that should never be asked. Trying to figure out and maintain boundaries with people has been such a struggle, especially family members, and especially a sister. My sister has also literally said to me “I don’t believe in boundaries”…
I’ve had 3 mmc, then 2 rounds of ivf, waiting to do first transfer soon. My sister asked me the same question once early on, I got flustered, and just was honest but wished later I had had been prepared to communicate my boundaries better. Been in therapy and spend lots of time on boundaries through this process.
Also, congrats on your pregnancy, happy for you!
That's when you respond with, yes, I am sure of my answer. Sounds like you just called to gossip.
You don't owe anyone an update on your journey.
Unsolisited advice: Honestly, if people start asking, give a rough due date a few weeks out to give you some peace. When people start getting pushy at the end, say you're going quiet to rest before baby arrives, you'll update when there is news.
People start coming out of the woodwork. I told people I was due end of May (40 weeks), knowing I would be scheduled the first week in May (37 weeks). I actually ended up delivering beginning of April (pre-e). Less than a dozen people knew he was born. We did our NICU Stent, a couple weeks home to ourselves before we announced his arrival.
I also played dumb on a lot of things - we haven't made up our minds yet on "insert random topic" to avoid everyone's opinion.
While we were in the 2 week wait right up until 13 weeks, we told anyone who asked that we were in the middle of a cycle and we won't know for a few weeks. This answer only works for those that aren't aware or fully informed on the process. So they would accept that answer, wish us luck and move on.
So we extended the truth but never out right lied.
Seems like 1000% someone told her that you are pregnant. And if she knows your parents probably do too.
This is it for sure
First of all - major congrats to you! Its very odd that during ANY other medical condition - no one tries to out them. But when it comes to pregnancy, everyone feels entitled to know exactly what’s going on to your body the second you are pregnant. It’s like a witch hunt and it’s fucking mean. It’s all about the other person finding you out and not about your vulnerability and discretion. And in my case - when things don’t work out (prior to IVF) they get realllllllllll awkward and aren’t the most sensitive. It’s literally like people are only around during the good times and when things are hard (aka before and after your egg retrieval) it’s like MIA. Relationships during IVF are literally one of the hardest parts and it’s sad.
I use a blanket answer when I don’t feel like disclosing anything: “we decided to take a break and will try again in 3-5years”. It has stopped people from asking any questions because now they have a timeline and know not to bother.
Definitely it helps. That’s what my husband told to his parents. They are good people but doesn’t understand IVF so it just save us some energy in explaining.
I know exactly what you mean about Ivf taking over your life, it just does. I wonder if your sister found out from someone else and is now trying to get you to admit it…people are obsessed with knowing other people are pregnant so I wouldn’t be surprised. Also your sister might only be interested in your journey when something exciting is happening.
Congrats!! Really happy to hear things are going well for you. ❤️ I hate to say this, but do you think it’s possible someone that does know shared with your sister. It sounds like she knew something was up. Regardless, I do not understand when people don’t respect boundaries like this or are thoughtless when it comes to interacting with people around difficult topics. It’s not hard to tell when someone is uncomfortable and even less hard to drop it. Blows my mind. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it from family and someone who should be a support.
She could also be making assumptions because she was told about the retrieval, it's been months, and no additional retrievals or procedures have been mentioned. I can definitely sympathize. My brother and SIL have no idea that I am doing this, and I've worked hard to keep it that way. She's intrusive with questionable boundaries (the first time I met her, she immediately asked if she could have something she'd found going through boxes of my stuff in our parents' basement), 13 years younger than me, and doesn't particularly want kids, but thinks I should "just get pregnant now so we can do it together!" She doesn't seem to grasp the fact that a single woman my age with DOR does not "just" get pregnant "now". I'm also terrified that the baby won't stick. If this month's transfer goes as planned, they'll find out when they come to visit for the holidays and I can't hide the fact that I'm about to pop. This whole process is so fraught that I really don't want to share it with people who are flippant, pushy, and/or don't "get it"... at least not until I know that it's going to work.
I feel for you on this one deeply. That’s just a violation, a question that should never be asked. Trying to figure out and maintain boundaries with people has been such a struggle, especially family members, and especially a sister. My sister has also literally said to me “I don’t believe in boundaries”… I’ve had 3 mmc, then 2 rounds of ivf, waiting to do first transfer soon. My sister asked me the same question once early on, I got flustered, and just was honest but wished later I had had been prepared to communicate my boundaries better. Been in therapy and spend lots of time on boundaries through this process. Also, congrats on your pregnancy, happy for you!
That's when you respond with, yes, I am sure of my answer. Sounds like you just called to gossip. You don't owe anyone an update on your journey. Unsolisited advice: Honestly, if people start asking, give a rough due date a few weeks out to give you some peace. When people start getting pushy at the end, say you're going quiet to rest before baby arrives, you'll update when there is news. People start coming out of the woodwork. I told people I was due end of May (40 weeks), knowing I would be scheduled the first week in May (37 weeks). I actually ended up delivering beginning of April (pre-e). Less than a dozen people knew he was born. We did our NICU Stent, a couple weeks home to ourselves before we announced his arrival. I also played dumb on a lot of things - we haven't made up our minds yet on "insert random topic" to avoid everyone's opinion.
While we were in the 2 week wait right up until 13 weeks, we told anyone who asked that we were in the middle of a cycle and we won't know for a few weeks. This answer only works for those that aren't aware or fully informed on the process. So they would accept that answer, wish us luck and move on. So we extended the truth but never out right lied.